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[theme music playing]
2
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Pierce. Pierce.
3
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Please,
five more minutes, honey.
4
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That's Colonel Honey.
5
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How long have you beensittin' here, son?
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I don't know.
Who's president?
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I know how beat you are...
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but you'll feel better
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as soon as you slip into somehot coffee and a cold shower.
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No, Colonel, you're
supposed to be telling
me to get some sleep.
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Sorry. There's a lecturethis morning.
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I'll give you two bucks
to take notes for me.
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You'll want to be therefor two reasons.
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First, this is gonna show usa new heart technique...
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and second,it'd be a nice gesture
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to your commanding officer,
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who could make your lifeso miserable if he wanted to.
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Colonel, I haven't rubbed
the sleep out of my eyes
for weeks.
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The sandman is threatening
to drop me from his route.
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You know I'm notthat big on attendance,
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but this guy'sa bundle of information.
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I'll wait till they bring himout in paperback.
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Next week,when that proctologistcomes with his slide show,
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you're excused.
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It's standing room only
for that one.
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-[grunts]
-Uh, Colonel...
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I'm not really
an expert on this,
but when you walk,
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shouldn't one leg go upwhile the other one goes down?
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Be in my office at 10,and mind your own business.
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-Oh, the phlebitis again?-No.
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If it's acting up,
why don't you lie down
and take it easy?
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Because it's superficial.
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And this whole place willfall apart without me.
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Ah, the indispensable man.
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Look, blood clots can beaggravating, particularlyif they're yours.
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Do you mind? I've alreadyseen the doctor... me.
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And I'm fine. Ow!
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This looks like an aerial
view of the Okefenokee.
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Don't eat itwith your fingers.
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There's liable to bean alligator in it.
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[clank]
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If anybody needs me,I'll be in my applesauce.
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This is ludicrous.
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Oh, that's what it is.
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No, I was referring
to the impending lecture.
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Some doddering quack
from Tokyo General
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whose brains are nestled
in his derriere
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is going to deliver yetanother verbal sedative
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interrupted only by
his failing memory.
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And good morning to you.
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What was the last thingyou approved of, Charles,besides your birth?
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Gee, oh, that is a toughie.
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Hi, guys!Boy, I got no luck whatsoever.
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Who are you this week,
Rosie the Riveter?
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I get here at 8:15.
Plenty of time
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00:03:13,976 --> 00:03:15,717
to catch the crosstown
bus, right?
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I bring my bowling ballto Adolph's Sporting Goods,
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and he starts drillingholes without even asking.
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Now I got six holes
in my bowling ball.
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You know what kindof a hook that gives it?
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I throw it, it comes right back.
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What am I gonna tell the team?
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All right, what team?
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You know,
Ernie's Pizza Inferno.
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CHARLES:
Rah! Rah! Rah! Rah!
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I get it. We're in Toledo.
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Impossible.
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I wouldn't be
caught dead in Toledo.
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00:03:39,697 --> 00:03:41,786
Now I place you.
Mr. Winchester,
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the doorman of the CommodorePerry Hotel.
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-I recognize you
from your uniform.-Blow the whistle on him.
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00:03:47,270 --> 00:03:52,232
Do not include me inyour demented masquerade,Corporal.
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00:03:52,232 --> 00:03:54,190
Corporal? Whoo!
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00:03:54,190 --> 00:03:56,453
They give him a uniform,and he thinks he's in the army.
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00:03:56,453 --> 00:03:59,326
You are one word away
from going on report.
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00:03:59,326 --> 00:04:01,545
Wouldn't you know it?Every time I talk to a stranger
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in one of these cheap diners,he turns out to be a nut.
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Hold that bus!See you at the brewery, guys.
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00:04:07,334 --> 00:04:09,292
There is a great difference
of opinion at present
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00:04:09,292 --> 00:04:10,902
concerning
the preferable method
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00:04:10,902 --> 00:04:12,600
of treating penetratingwounds of the heart.
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00:04:12,600 --> 00:04:15,124
-Gentlemen.
-Ohh!
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Please excuse my tardinessIt was purely intentional.
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00:04:18,345 --> 00:04:20,260
You must be Captain Simmons.You can't be Captain Simmons.
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Major Winchester,Captain Simmons.
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You are Captain Simmons.
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00:04:24,438 --> 00:04:27,005
Afraid so, and I'm sorry
for being so young.
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00:04:27,005 --> 00:04:29,573
-It's all right.
You'll grow out of it.
-Carry on, son.
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At Tokyo General,we feel pericardiocentesis
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is the only proper
required treatment.
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00:04:34,970 --> 00:04:39,017
In figure A,a large needle is insertedinto the pericardial sac.
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00:04:39,017 --> 00:04:40,802
Constant suction is maintained.
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Now, the first trick
is to know
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00:04:42,412 --> 00:04:44,022
when the advancementof the needle is stopped.
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00:04:44,022 --> 00:04:46,111
Trick?
[chuckles] Hardly.
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00:04:46,111 --> 00:04:48,200
Advancement is stoppedwhen resistance is felt
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00:04:48,200 --> 00:04:50,333
through the tissue, correct?
98
00:04:50,333 --> 00:04:52,857
Not quite, sir. It's whenthe motion of the myocardium
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00:04:52,857 --> 00:04:55,295
is transmitted to the fingersand dark blood appears.
100
00:04:55,295 --> 00:04:57,209
Let that be
a lesson to you.
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00:04:57,209 --> 00:04:58,646
If you think he's good now,Charles,
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00:04:58,646 --> 00:05:01,083
-wait till his voice changes.-[chuckles]
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00:05:01,083 --> 00:05:03,433
If tamponade reoccurs,then surgery is indicated.
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00:05:03,433 --> 00:05:05,305
Then, with
the pericardium open,
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00:05:05,305 --> 00:05:06,610
the blood clots are removed.
106
00:05:06,610 --> 00:05:09,178
Excuse me, young man.
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00:05:09,178 --> 00:05:11,876
Removing blood clotsin the manner you advocate
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would, uh, probably
initiate a hemorrhage.
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Therefore I, uh--
I wouldn't do it.
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You wouldn't, but I would.
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It's a risk I prefer to take.
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I beg your pardon?
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Repeat it for him, will you?
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His ears went with his hair.
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If brisk hemorrhage occurs,
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you simply locate the wound,
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hold pressure on it,
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replace the bloodas quickly as possible,
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-and then suture.
-Captain,
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even a veterinarian knowsthat that procedure
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increases the likelihoodof ventricular fibrillation.
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Right. That's
why you administer
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intravenous procaine
or Pronestyl.
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00:05:40,775 --> 00:05:42,298
Give it a whirl
some time, doctor.
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00:05:42,298 --> 00:05:43,908
You give it a whirl, sonny.
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Getting all this, Pierce?
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Sure. "Give it a whirlsome time, Doctor."
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-"You give it a whirl, sonny."-Just checking.
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-Sorry, sirs.
-Choppers, right?
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I know, I know, but there'schoppers coming in.
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-School's out.-B.J.: Saved by the hell.
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-Sir, you know
you're limping again?
-I'm not limping.
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-I'm favoring my other leg.-Oh.
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00:06:01,056 --> 00:06:04,233
This guy can wait. X-rays.
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00:06:04,233 --> 00:06:06,496
Boy, they should geta stop sign for this corner.
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00:06:06,496 --> 00:06:08,324
It's the most dangerousintersection in Ohio.
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Abdominal wounds.
Prep him, stat.
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00:06:11,196 --> 00:06:13,198
Multiple wounds and chest.
Get him in fast!
139
00:06:13,198 --> 00:06:15,244
-How is he?-Superficial. He can wait.
140
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Good. Set him down over there,give him something for pain.
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Tighten these dressings.
This man's a one.
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Good Lord.
Where do you start?
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Anywhere, and thenyou keep going.
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-Is it like this all the time?-Nah.
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00:06:25,210 --> 00:06:27,299
Compared to last week,this is a lawn party.
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Shrapnel and fractured femur.Has he had morphine?
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Quarter grain, Doctor.
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Give him another quarter,
and he can wait.
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How loud do they have to screambefore they can get in?
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It's the ones who can't
scream that go first.
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Hang in there, son.
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The real thing is neveras neat as a diagram, is it?
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Officer, I saw the whole thing.
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I was bringing my laundry into Larry's French Cleaners--
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Move it, Mr. 9-to-5,
or I'll arrest you
for loitering.
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A little courtesy,Officer.
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Your salary comesout of my pocket.
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-Move it!-I got your badge number!
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All right,let's shift it out of neutral.We got a lot of work to do.
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That's a neat little stepyou got there, Colonel.You wanna teach it to me?
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-Boy, you're really
in pain, aren't you?-I am just watching you.
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You know, the way you
boys worry over me
is really touching.
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-Drop it.
-I'm sure the Colonel
will be happy to know
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that I'm as indifferentto his condition as he is.
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All right, I never thought
I'd say this, but I want
to look at your leg.
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-Forget it.
-Come on, Colonel.
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We don't moveuntil you don't.
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Come on, sit down.
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Give me your leg.
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00:07:22,703 --> 00:07:25,619
Uh-huh.Congratulations, Colonel.
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Your calf is growinginto a hefty Jersey cow.
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-Bull!
-All right, bull.But you're not going into O.R.
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I'll go whereverI darn well please.
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It doesn't hurt.
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Colonel, this is one occasion
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you're not going to be
able to rise to.
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00:07:37,239 --> 00:07:39,676
It happens to all of us
eventually.
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I'm not leaving you
shorthanded in there.
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Not to worry.Simmons hasn't left yet.
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Simmons?
Are you out of your--
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That is a brilliant idea.
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Not so brilliant.
The kid's never beenin the trenches before.
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Don't worry, Colonel.I'm sure that Captain Simmonswill be able to provide
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more than adequate coveragefor you in surgery.
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I will personally do my bestto help him right along.
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00:08:00,828 --> 00:08:02,438
I can lean against a table.
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Alley Oop.
You can read about it
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in the morning papers,
Colonel.
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I'll go find Simmons.
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I just hopethat precocious neophyte
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does not irreparably damageour good name.
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00:08:10,664 --> 00:08:12,317
Not with a belligerent
buzzard like you
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00:08:12,317 --> 00:08:14,058
circling around,
he won't.
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SIMMONS:
This bowel is nothing
but perforations.
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3-0 chromic G.I.
Keep it coming.
196
00:08:18,323 --> 00:08:19,629
Cancel that.
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00:08:19,629 --> 00:08:21,892
Captain, around here
we don't have time
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00:08:21,892 --> 00:08:23,764
to sew up
all the little holes.
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00:08:23,764 --> 00:08:25,548
Just remove
the damaged bowel
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00:08:25,548 --> 00:08:27,376
and suture
the two ends together.
201
00:08:27,376 --> 00:08:29,334
Even if it meanslosing two or three feet?
202
00:08:29,334 --> 00:08:31,249
That's right.
Others are waiting.
203
00:08:31,249 --> 00:08:33,948
Men have families,
intestines don't.
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00:08:33,948 --> 00:08:36,211
Major, your voicewould carry much better
205
00:08:36,211 --> 00:08:39,170
if you talked across to people
and not down to them.
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00:08:39,170 --> 00:08:41,825
Don't worry, Captain.
You're doing fine.
207
00:08:41,825 --> 00:08:43,871
When Major Winchester
first got here,
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00:08:43,871 --> 00:08:46,090
he had trouble withemergency procedures too.
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00:08:46,090 --> 00:08:48,789
-He couldn'teven go potty by himself.-MULCAHY: Captain, please.
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00:08:48,789 --> 00:08:50,399
Oh, sorry, Father.
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00:08:50,399 --> 00:08:51,792
I know how hard Charleshas been working on it too.
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00:08:51,792 --> 00:08:54,055
Pierce can't help it,
Simmons.
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00:08:54,055 --> 00:08:57,232
It's his schooling.
He majored in Scatology.
214
00:08:57,232 --> 00:09:00,322
Kellye, finish closing for me,will you, please? Right.
215
00:09:02,846 --> 00:09:06,067
Hmm. Well, that doesn'tlook too difficult.
216
00:09:06,067 --> 00:09:09,070
However, if you go astray,I will be nearby.
217
00:09:09,070 --> 00:09:11,463
All right. I'm going to doend-to-end anastomosis.
218
00:09:11,463 --> 00:09:14,466
-Give that man a cigar.-Just don't flick the ashesin your patient.
219
00:09:16,033 --> 00:09:19,515
Major? Excuse me, Major,you're in my light.
220
00:09:19,515 --> 00:09:21,996
-Hmm?-Down in front, Charles.
221
00:09:21,996 --> 00:09:24,781
Your gratitudeoverwhelms me.
222
00:09:24,781 --> 00:09:26,348
Where's Toledo's
leading citizen
223
00:09:26,348 --> 00:09:27,958
with my X-rays? Mr. Klinger!
224
00:09:27,958 --> 00:09:29,612
Here are your snapshots,
Mr. Pierce.
225
00:09:29,612 --> 00:09:31,483
That's some camera you got.
226
00:09:31,483 --> 00:09:33,355
Ah, the bats are busyin there tonight.
227
00:09:33,355 --> 00:09:35,792
Could you pay me right away?I'd like to get home earlyand change.
228
00:09:35,792 --> 00:09:38,055
Tonight's my lodge meeting
and we're swearing in
a new Moose.
229
00:09:38,055 --> 00:09:40,231
Go out to my roadster.There's a quarterin the glove compartment.
230
00:09:40,231 --> 00:09:42,364
-And don't play
with the flashlight.
-Yes, sir.
231
00:09:42,364 --> 00:09:44,496
-And thank you, Mr. Pierce.-Bright kid.
232
00:09:44,496 --> 00:09:47,325
These perforationsgo on forever.
233
00:09:47,325 --> 00:09:49,240
What a mess.I'm gonna need more clamps.
234
00:09:49,240 --> 00:09:51,852
[laughs]
I knew it.
235
00:09:51,852 --> 00:09:53,810
Wonder Boy or not,
it isn't Tokyo.
236
00:09:53,810 --> 00:09:55,812
You want to finish
the bandaging, Kellye?
237
00:09:55,812 --> 00:09:58,032
All right, sonny.
You just, uh,
238
00:09:58,032 --> 00:09:59,947
finish the resection
you're working on,
239
00:09:59,947 --> 00:10:02,210
and I'll suture
the other areas primarily.
240
00:10:02,210 --> 00:10:04,429
That is, if it's, uh,
all right with you?
241
00:10:04,429 --> 00:10:07,389
No thanks, Major.
I'm going to resect
the other area.
242
00:10:07,389 --> 00:10:09,478
Captain, now you're
removing too much bowel.
243
00:10:09,478 --> 00:10:12,612
Don't worry about it, sir.The resections are far
enough apart.
244
00:10:12,612 --> 00:10:14,962
-Simmons, you're not listening.-Neither are you, Charles.
245
00:10:14,962 --> 00:10:16,746
Sounds to me like he knowswhat he's doing.
246
00:10:16,746 --> 00:10:18,661
Don't ask my opinion, Charles.You wouldn't like it.
247
00:10:18,661 --> 00:10:22,534
All right, suit yourselves.Play doctor with Skippy.
248
00:10:22,534 --> 00:10:23,840
What's he got against me?
249
00:10:23,840 --> 00:10:27,496
Well, you're young,
you're intelligent,
250
00:10:27,496 --> 00:10:29,759
and worst of all,
you're right.
251
00:10:29,759 --> 00:10:30,978
[whistling] Colonel,
what are you doing
252
00:10:30,978 --> 00:10:34,634
at your desk
in your own office?
253
00:10:34,634 --> 00:10:36,810
You and your leg are
supposed to be lying down.
254
00:10:36,810 --> 00:10:38,420
The leg feels fine.
255
00:10:38,420 --> 00:10:40,204
Besides, I got this littlehospital to run.
256
00:10:40,204 --> 00:10:43,251
Oh, darn it! Captain Pierce
and Hunnicutt says
257
00:10:43,251 --> 00:10:44,992
you gotta stay off
your "blaphitist."
258
00:10:44,992 --> 00:10:46,950
I am off it. Shoo.
259
00:10:46,950 --> 00:10:49,039
No, sir, sir.
I won't shoo, sir.
260
00:10:49,039 --> 00:10:52,042
Look, I don't care that you
don't care that I care,
261
00:10:52,042 --> 00:10:53,914
but I do care whether
you care or not,
262
00:10:53,914 --> 00:10:55,524
and that goes for
everybody in this camp.
263
00:10:55,524 --> 00:10:57,961
Radar, pack upall your cares and go.
264
00:10:57,961 --> 00:10:59,267
Not until you go first.
265
00:10:59,267 --> 00:11:01,095
Captain Pierce
says your leg is sick,
266
00:11:01,095 --> 00:11:02,836
and if you don't go to bed,
it's gonna get sicker.
267
00:11:02,836 --> 00:11:05,490
Aw, poop on Pierce.He worries like a mother hen.
268
00:11:05,490 --> 00:11:07,188
I know this place,
269
00:11:07,188 --> 00:11:09,320
and if I'm not here,things don't get done.
270
00:11:09,320 --> 00:11:10,713
They've already
been done, sir.
271
00:11:10,713 --> 00:11:12,149
I signed tomorrow's
forms yesterday.
272
00:11:12,149 --> 00:11:14,064
We got till next week
till we're even.
273
00:11:14,064 --> 00:11:15,631
Can you do surgery too?
274
00:11:15,631 --> 00:11:17,589
No, but Captain Simmons can,and he's great.
275
00:11:17,589 --> 00:11:19,766
He even showed up
Major Winchester.
276
00:11:19,766 --> 00:11:21,855
Radar, Captain Simmonsisn't here anymore.
277
00:11:21,855 --> 00:11:24,031
I know, but he's just over
at the 8063rd.
278
00:11:24,031 --> 00:11:25,859
That's just a couple
of minutes away by chopper.
279
00:11:25,859 --> 00:11:27,774
I'm telling you, sir.
We just don't need you.
280
00:11:28,905 --> 00:11:31,255
-You don't?
-Not at all.
281
00:11:31,255 --> 00:11:33,736
Everybody says Captain Simmonsis as good as anybody here.
282
00:11:33,736 --> 00:11:35,738
-They do, huh?
-Uh-huh.
283
00:11:35,738 --> 00:11:37,740
I never saw the O.R.
go smoother.
284
00:11:37,740 --> 00:11:40,438
Now come on, sir.
Let's get to bed, huh?
285
00:11:40,438 --> 00:11:42,484
All right, Radar.But you'll have to help me.
286
00:11:42,484 --> 00:11:45,792
-Right.
-The old leg is
hurtin' real bad.
287
00:11:45,792 --> 00:11:47,968
Oh, boy. Here you are.
288
00:11:47,968 --> 00:11:51,014
-Ooh! Oooh! Wow!
-Oh, boy.
289
00:11:51,014 --> 00:11:53,408
I was hopin' a towelaround it would help.
290
00:12:00,415 --> 00:12:03,679
-Good reading?-Yeah, kinda interesting.
291
00:12:03,679 --> 00:12:06,638
It should be.It's six in the morning.
292
00:12:06,638 --> 00:12:09,511
What is it? "Lady Chatterly
Visits Boys' Town"?
293
00:12:09,511 --> 00:12:12,688
Almost. It's the latest issueof Medical Dialogue.
294
00:12:12,688 --> 00:12:15,822
I'll save you the trouble.I know how it ends.
295
00:12:15,822 --> 00:12:18,912
Peter Pancreas marries
the Princess Pelvis.
296
00:12:18,912 --> 00:12:20,391
They have a couple of kidneys,
297
00:12:20,391 --> 00:12:22,742
and they all liver
happily ever after.
298
00:12:22,742 --> 00:12:25,657
You may be right.I'll look it up in the appendix.
299
00:12:25,657 --> 00:12:29,139
Why the crash course?You've already got the job.
300
00:12:29,139 --> 00:12:30,488
It doesn't hurt to keep up.
301
00:12:30,488 --> 00:12:31,881
It's easy to fall behindout here.
302
00:12:31,881 --> 00:12:33,187
Ah-ha-ha-ha.
303
00:12:33,187 --> 00:12:35,624
The boy surgeon
got to you, didn't he?
304
00:12:35,624 --> 00:12:37,757
Just scared the hellout of me, that's all.
305
00:12:37,757 --> 00:12:39,323
So he's younger than us,
306
00:12:39,323 --> 00:12:41,586
so he's up on allthe latest developments,
307
00:12:41,586 --> 00:12:43,284
so I get the book after you.
308
00:12:47,114 --> 00:12:48,811
Ah! Rose nose.
309
00:12:52,249 --> 00:12:53,685
Welcome to Skid Row.
310
00:12:53,685 --> 00:12:57,428
Twenty cents a night,
D.T.s included.
311
00:12:57,428 --> 00:12:59,735
Give him the binge rate.That's the third nighthe's come in this way.
312
00:12:59,735 --> 00:13:02,433
Price. Honeycomb.
313
00:13:02,433 --> 00:13:03,478
The rummy speaks.
314
00:13:03,478 --> 00:13:07,656
Ruined by a little twerpsurgeon.
315
00:13:07,656 --> 00:13:09,179
Here we go again.
316
00:13:09,179 --> 00:13:11,965
My life is going
up in smoke.
317
00:13:11,965 --> 00:13:14,271
It will if you don't stopbreathing on that stove.
318
00:13:14,271 --> 00:13:18,493
Brilliant career
shot to smitheroons.
319
00:13:18,493 --> 00:13:20,582
That Potter's fault.
320
00:13:20,582 --> 00:13:24,455
First he keeps me hereuntil my talents "aptrophy,"
321
00:13:24,455 --> 00:13:27,154
and then he sends littleBobby Shafto to come here
322
00:13:27,154 --> 00:13:30,635
and humil-in-mate me.
323
00:13:30,635 --> 00:13:32,550
But I'll get even with him.
324
00:13:32,550 --> 00:13:35,945
Some day, he'll be
older than I am,
325
00:13:35,945 --> 00:13:37,338
and then I'll show him up.
326
00:13:37,338 --> 00:13:39,340
He couldn't even walka crooked line.
327
00:13:39,340 --> 00:13:43,431
It's all over. It is all over.
328
00:13:43,431 --> 00:13:46,564
As long as it's notall over my bed.
329
00:13:46,564 --> 00:13:50,003
Aw, what? Aw, aw!
330
00:13:50,003 --> 00:13:55,095
I could have been one of thetop 10 surgeons in the world.
331
00:13:55,095 --> 00:13:57,097
-Come on.
-Now I'm dirt.
332
00:13:57,097 --> 00:13:58,838
Oh, now I'm dead.
333
00:13:58,838 --> 00:14:01,101
Charles,you're a talented, gifted,
334
00:14:01,101 --> 00:14:02,972
drunken surgeon. Go to bed.
335
00:14:02,972 --> 00:14:05,105
-Come on, come on.
-I am in bed.
336
00:14:05,105 --> 00:14:09,022
Come with Daddy.
Here. Come to Daddy.
337
00:14:09,022 --> 00:14:13,548
Huh? Oh, ohh, uh-oh.
338
00:14:13,548 --> 00:14:16,377
-Whirlies.
-Out! Get him out!
339
00:14:16,377 --> 00:14:18,553
-Where are we going?
-The shower.
340
00:14:18,553 --> 00:14:20,555
We better run.
341
00:14:20,555 --> 00:14:24,515
-[knocking]
-Come in, Radar.
342
00:14:24,515 --> 00:14:26,648
Morning, sir.How'd you know it was me?
343
00:14:26,648 --> 00:14:28,998
You're the only onewho knocks.
344
00:14:28,998 --> 00:14:31,174
-Time to get up.
-For what?
345
00:14:31,174 --> 00:14:33,002
This is your first walk.
Don't you remember?
346
00:14:33,002 --> 00:14:34,525
The doctors said
after a couple of days
347
00:14:34,525 --> 00:14:36,049
you could take yourselfto breakfast and back.
348
00:14:36,049 --> 00:14:37,267
I ain't hungry.
349
00:14:37,267 --> 00:14:38,486
Ah, yeah, but, sir,
350
00:14:38,486 --> 00:14:39,922
they got Wheatena today,
351
00:14:39,922 --> 00:14:42,098
and it's warm
and everything.
352
00:14:42,098 --> 00:14:43,534
But ya gotta hurry.
353
00:14:43,534 --> 00:14:46,581
Then just have 'em
send a bowl over.
354
00:14:46,581 --> 00:14:48,061
Colonel, listen, uh,
355
00:14:48,061 --> 00:14:50,411
you gotta use your leg,
you know,
356
00:14:50,411 --> 00:14:52,108
otherwise it won't get
useful again.
357
00:14:52,108 --> 00:14:54,110
Besides, you know, uh,
the swelling's gone down,
358
00:14:54,110 --> 00:14:55,329
and the more you walk on it,
359
00:14:55,329 --> 00:14:56,721
the littler swelling
there'll be.
360
00:14:56,721 --> 00:14:58,071
Don't you want to get well?
361
00:14:58,071 --> 00:15:00,116
Thank you, son.If I need you, I'll ring.
362
00:15:00,116 --> 00:15:03,293
Yes, sir.
Are you sure, sir?
363
00:15:03,293 --> 00:15:05,948
Look, Radar,the gam's still tender.
364
00:15:05,948 --> 00:15:08,820
Things around hereare going smooth without me.
365
00:15:08,820 --> 00:15:10,431
And like you keep saying,
366
00:15:10,431 --> 00:15:12,955
There's always Captain Simmons,isn't there?
367
00:15:12,955 --> 00:15:14,957
Well, sure, but...
368
00:15:14,957 --> 00:15:16,698
Then let me get backto Zane Grey
369
00:15:16,698 --> 00:15:18,134
before the outlaws do.
370
00:15:18,134 --> 00:15:19,353
Well, listen, Colonel,
371
00:15:19,353 --> 00:15:20,702
I don't mean to pull
rank on you,
372
00:15:20,702 --> 00:15:22,008
especially since I can't,
373
00:15:22,008 --> 00:15:24,619
-but, uh, as a friend---Appreciate it, son.
374
00:15:27,056 --> 00:15:28,144
Yes, sir.
375
00:15:31,452 --> 00:15:33,671
[door closes]
376
00:15:33,671 --> 00:15:36,022
Come on, Charles, one more sip.This time in your mouth.
377
00:15:36,022 --> 00:15:39,634
Here we go, here we go.
There. Very good.
378
00:15:39,634 --> 00:15:41,592
It's too late for coffee.
379
00:15:41,592 --> 00:15:45,422
Just a cigarette anda firing squad, please.
380
00:15:45,422 --> 00:15:46,771
We're never gonna get it
down him this way.
381
00:15:46,771 --> 00:15:48,164
We'll have to dump him
in the urn.
382
00:15:48,164 --> 00:15:50,297
What a good idea.I can drown in there.
383
00:15:50,297 --> 00:15:53,778
-Is that Charles?
-It was.
384
00:15:53,778 --> 00:15:56,042
Nothing personal, Margaret.He's really glad to see you.
385
00:15:56,042 --> 00:15:57,695
Yeah, all six of me.
386
00:15:57,695 --> 00:15:59,567
Charles, it's okay
387
00:15:59,567 --> 00:16:02,222
that you're not the smartestkid in class anymore.
388
00:16:02,222 --> 00:16:04,659
Simmons, Simmons, Simmons.
389
00:16:04,659 --> 00:16:07,009
What a rotten name
for a doctor.
390
00:16:07,009 --> 00:16:09,011
Uh, can I talk to all yousirs for a minute?
391
00:16:09,011 --> 00:16:12,232
Another kid.Get away, boy, you bother me.
392
00:16:12,232 --> 00:16:13,842
Listen, I'm really worried
about Colonel Potter.
393
00:16:13,842 --> 00:16:15,844
-He won't get up.
-Why not?
394
00:16:15,844 --> 00:16:18,542
Well, he says his leg stillhurts, but that's not it.
395
00:16:18,542 --> 00:16:20,936
-Then what is it, Doc?
-Well, I don't know.
396
00:16:20,936 --> 00:16:23,330
He's just not himself, you know.He's acting like a gloomy Gus,
397
00:16:23,330 --> 00:16:25,158
and he won't move aroundor talk or nothin',
398
00:16:25,158 --> 00:16:27,334
and when I say to get up,he says,
399
00:16:27,334 --> 00:16:29,640
"What's the diff?
Captain Simmons can do
all my stuff anyway."
400
00:16:29,640 --> 00:16:32,165
Ahh, that name!
401
00:16:32,165 --> 00:16:34,689
Boy, this Simmons-itis
is some disease.
402
00:16:34,689 --> 00:16:37,126
It makes an invalid out
of one guy and a drunk
out of the other.
403
00:16:37,126 --> 00:16:39,737
-One of us should
go cheer him up.
-How about Charles?
404
00:16:39,737 --> 00:16:43,306
-I'll go.-Good. You sure smell better.
405
00:16:43,306 --> 00:16:44,960
Is there anythingI can do for you, Major?
406
00:16:44,960 --> 00:16:47,136
Yes, there is.
407
00:16:47,136 --> 00:16:50,270
Scram, peewee!
408
00:16:50,270 --> 00:16:53,012
-[knocking]
-Yes, Radar.
409
00:16:53,012 --> 00:16:55,927
-Pardon me, sir, are youthe gentleman of the house?-I'm reading.
410
00:16:55,927 --> 00:16:57,407
I'm Klinger.
Pleased to meet you.
411
00:16:57,407 --> 00:16:59,279
Don't get up.
Stay right where you are.
412
00:16:59,279 --> 00:17:00,628
What I've got to show you
413
00:17:00,628 --> 00:17:02,847
you can see from the privacyof your own bed.
414
00:17:02,847 --> 00:17:04,153
Aluminum siding.
415
00:17:04,153 --> 00:17:06,634
Klinger, I'm not buying it.
416
00:17:06,634 --> 00:17:08,592
You don't have to, sir.
417
00:17:08,592 --> 00:17:11,856
If you'll just allow us to useyour spacious home as a model,
418
00:17:11,856 --> 00:17:13,380
the Toledo Siding Company
419
00:17:13,380 --> 00:17:15,469
will side your entire home
absolutely free
420
00:17:15,469 --> 00:17:18,037
with no obligation to you
and the little missus.
421
00:17:18,037 --> 00:17:21,431
All you do is allow me
to bring in a few
prospective customers
422
00:17:21,431 --> 00:17:24,086
to view your new
lightweight castle.
423
00:17:24,086 --> 00:17:26,741
Klinger, this oneisn't even good enough
424
00:17:26,741 --> 00:17:28,917
for a 4-H Club skit.
425
00:17:28,917 --> 00:17:31,876
I understand perfectly,
my good man. No siding.
426
00:17:31,876 --> 00:17:35,271
Okay, let's talk
simulated wood shingle.
427
00:17:35,271 --> 00:17:36,533
You're nuts if you think
428
00:17:36,533 --> 00:17:38,535
this is gonna make methink you're nuts.
429
00:17:38,535 --> 00:17:40,494
No nuts, not even a bolt.
430
00:17:40,494 --> 00:17:43,453
-We laminate it right on.-[knocking]
431
00:17:43,453 --> 00:17:46,108
I hope that's the police.Come in.
432
00:17:46,108 --> 00:17:49,894
Ah, the missus.
You lucky dog.
433
00:17:49,894 --> 00:17:51,983
Klinger, are you pesteringthe colonel now?
434
00:17:51,983 --> 00:17:54,856
At 5:00 this morning,
he tried to sell me
deep-pile carpeting.
435
00:17:54,856 --> 00:17:57,032
It's wise to reconsider.I still got a few feet left.
436
00:17:57,032 --> 00:17:59,208
-So have I. Get out of here.-Sir?
437
00:17:59,208 --> 00:18:01,384
You heard the missus.Blow.
438
00:18:01,384 --> 00:18:03,821
Boy, just when you're
about to close a deal,
439
00:18:03,821 --> 00:18:05,910
the other half walks in.
440
00:18:05,910 --> 00:18:07,608
Colonel, what are you
doing in bed?
441
00:18:07,608 --> 00:18:09,044
Now don't you start.
442
00:18:09,044 --> 00:18:10,959
Can I have my samples,
folks?
443
00:18:10,959 --> 00:18:13,004
I got a couple of hot prospectsnext door. Newlyweds.
444
00:18:13,004 --> 00:18:16,269
-Will you get out of here?-[clattering on floor]
445
00:18:16,269 --> 00:18:18,532
See that? You can't hurt
these little wonders.
446
00:18:20,229 --> 00:18:22,840
Now, as for you,
why the mopes?
447
00:18:22,840 --> 00:18:24,668
Margaret,I'll tell you this once.
448
00:18:24,668 --> 00:18:30,065
My leg hurts,it needs some bed rest,and I'm entitled.
449
00:18:30,065 --> 00:18:31,458
No one's arguing with that.
450
00:18:31,458 --> 00:18:32,981
But you've been in herefor two days,
451
00:18:32,981 --> 00:18:34,374
and you know as well as I do
452
00:18:34,374 --> 00:18:35,984
that you've gotta get upand move around.
453
00:18:35,984 --> 00:18:37,725
Suppose I don't feel like it?
454
00:18:37,725 --> 00:18:39,509
Colonel, you're no
special case here.
455
00:18:39,509 --> 00:18:41,511
There's work to do,
and it's time you
started doing it.
456
00:18:41,511 --> 00:18:43,426
Why? It's getting donewithout me.
457
00:18:43,426 --> 00:18:44,775
That's a lousy excuse, sir.
458
00:18:44,775 --> 00:18:46,125
I mean, what if everybody
around here
459
00:18:46,125 --> 00:18:47,604
felt and did
what you're doing?
460
00:18:47,604 --> 00:18:49,563
Nothing would ever get done.
461
00:18:49,563 --> 00:18:51,260
All right, Margaret,you made your point.
462
00:18:51,260 --> 00:18:52,392
I'll pull myself up.
463
00:18:52,392 --> 00:18:54,481
-Attaboy.
-This afternoon.
464
00:18:54,481 --> 00:18:56,831
Now!
465
00:18:56,831 --> 00:18:59,138
Come on, all right.
That's right, go ahead,
fight with me!
466
00:18:59,138 --> 00:19:01,966
-At least it'll getyour circulation going.-Now, Margaret, stop it!
467
00:19:01,966 --> 00:19:04,491
MAN [on P.A.]: Attention all personnel, incoming wounded.
468
00:19:04,491 --> 00:19:05,840
Roll out the welcome mat.
469
00:19:05,840 --> 00:19:07,058
Now you've got no choice.
470
00:19:07,058 --> 00:19:09,060
I was just leaving.
471
00:19:09,060 --> 00:19:10,540
B.J.:Will you look at this?
472
00:19:10,540 --> 00:19:12,542
CHARLES: Wonderful.
473
00:19:12,542 --> 00:19:14,457
It's true what they say.Even the great ones
474
00:19:14,457 --> 00:19:16,242
put their pants onone arm at a time.
475
00:19:16,242 --> 00:19:18,244
It's gonna make a nice hat.
476
00:19:18,244 --> 00:19:20,463
Gentlemen, I forgive
all your insults
477
00:19:20,463 --> 00:19:22,944
if you will only
remove my head.
478
00:19:22,944 --> 00:19:25,512
-Good morning, people.
-Ah, must be spring.
479
00:19:25,512 --> 00:19:27,427
The big bird hasreturned to Capistrano.
480
00:19:27,427 --> 00:19:29,211
-How's the leg, Colonel?-It's holding me up.
481
00:19:29,211 --> 00:19:31,431
What's holding you up?
Get goin'!
482
00:19:31,431 --> 00:19:33,563
Amazing how a smiling facelights up a room.
483
00:19:33,563 --> 00:19:37,393
Let me warn you, Pierce.I'm nobody's sweetheart today.
484
00:19:37,393 --> 00:19:39,352
Aha. I think I'll scrub up.
485
00:19:39,352 --> 00:19:40,918
Good idea before surgery.
486
00:19:40,918 --> 00:19:42,746
Colonel, I'm glad
you could make it
487
00:19:42,746 --> 00:19:45,401
because I'm going
to have to be relieved.
488
00:19:45,401 --> 00:19:47,621
I'm in no condition
to operate.
489
00:19:47,621 --> 00:19:49,362
Well, that makes two of us.
490
00:19:49,362 --> 00:19:52,321
Since misery loves company,we're both goin' in there.
491
00:19:52,321 --> 00:19:54,584
Colonel, that is not fair.
492
00:19:54,584 --> 00:19:57,718
With you here,
there are enough surgeons
to handle the load,
493
00:19:57,718 --> 00:20:01,461
and, frankly,
I'm quite indisposed.
494
00:20:01,461 --> 00:20:02,723
I don't want to hear it,Major.
495
00:20:02,723 --> 00:20:04,290
Oh.
496
00:20:04,290 --> 00:20:06,161
It's fine when you're
lounging around,
497
00:20:06,161 --> 00:20:08,207
but if anyone else is
a little under the weather,
498
00:20:08,207 --> 00:20:09,817
it's tough cookies, huh?
499
00:20:09,817 --> 00:20:11,558
Winchester, I'm sick of you.
500
00:20:11,558 --> 00:20:13,299
Ever since you set footin this place,
501
00:20:13,299 --> 00:20:15,126
you've done nothingbut whimper and whine.
502
00:20:15,126 --> 00:20:16,867
It's not my fault
503
00:20:16,867 --> 00:20:19,653
this war interruptedyour Park Avenue career.
504
00:20:19,653 --> 00:20:22,656
For all your griping,you're just not worth it.
505
00:20:22,656 --> 00:20:24,310
Nobody's that good.
506
00:20:24,310 --> 00:20:27,051
How dare you!
507
00:20:27,051 --> 00:20:29,837
I've worked my butt off
in this hellhole,
508
00:20:29,837 --> 00:20:33,014
and at no time have I evershirked my responsibilities
509
00:20:33,014 --> 00:20:36,322
or fallen short
of any reasonable request.
510
00:20:36,322 --> 00:20:38,106
I'm a damn good surgeon!
511
00:20:38,106 --> 00:20:39,629
And look who's talking,
if you please,
512
00:20:39,629 --> 00:20:40,717
Colonel Slugabed.
513
00:20:40,717 --> 00:20:42,850
You can't stand up
in surgery,
514
00:20:42,850 --> 00:20:44,504
much less fill my shoes!
515
00:20:44,504 --> 00:20:48,899
I'll put my bum leg againstyour fat head any day!
516
00:20:48,899 --> 00:20:51,293
You're no match for mein anything!
517
00:20:51,293 --> 00:20:54,035
I can drink youunder the table
518
00:20:54,035 --> 00:20:56,733
and out-operate youover the table!
519
00:20:56,733 --> 00:20:58,692
-Hah!
-Hah! Hah!
520
00:20:58,692 --> 00:21:00,868
I wouldn't let you
close for me!
521
00:21:00,868 --> 00:21:01,999
Just get in there!
522
00:21:01,999 --> 00:21:03,087
With pleasure!
523
00:21:03,087 --> 00:21:04,567
We'll see who can take it!
524
00:21:04,567 --> 00:21:06,656
[both groaning]
525
00:21:06,656 --> 00:21:10,704
Done. My 50th splenectomy.That makes me an ace.
526
00:21:10,704 --> 00:21:11,922
Free hands here.
527
00:21:11,922 --> 00:21:13,141
CHARLES: I'm fine,thank you.
528
00:21:13,141 --> 00:21:14,534
POTTER: Who isn't?
529
00:21:14,534 --> 00:21:17,014
B.J.: I'm not proud. Help!
530
00:21:17,014 --> 00:21:18,625
Need some gloving here.
531
00:21:18,625 --> 00:21:20,279
I need all the gloving
I can get.
532
00:21:20,279 --> 00:21:22,542
-CHARLES: Three-oh silk.-Three-oh silk.
533
00:21:22,542 --> 00:21:25,675
Margaret, how longhave we been in here?
534
00:21:25,675 --> 00:21:27,373
A little over six hours.
535
00:21:27,373 --> 00:21:30,071
I don't want to look.How's Potter really holding up?
536
00:21:30,071 --> 00:21:32,508
Rocky Gibraltar
is doing just fine.
537
00:21:32,508 --> 00:21:34,945
Oh, of course he is.
538
00:21:34,945 --> 00:21:37,121
I have to hand itto the old boy.
539
00:21:37,121 --> 00:21:39,602
If his leg hurtshalf as much as my head,
540
00:21:39,602 --> 00:21:41,387
I'm surprised he's still alive.
541
00:21:41,387 --> 00:21:45,216
Don't tell me, tell him.
542
00:21:45,216 --> 00:21:48,002
Close for me, will you,Margaret? Thank you.
543
00:21:50,047 --> 00:21:51,440
B.J.: Retract thata little, will you?
544
00:21:51,440 --> 00:21:53,921
Uh, Colonel...
545
00:21:53,921 --> 00:21:56,271
at the risk
of sounding maudlin,
546
00:21:56,271 --> 00:21:58,534
I apparently underestimated
your stamina.
547
00:21:58,534 --> 00:22:00,580
Frankly, you're...
548
00:22:00,580 --> 00:22:02,408
as good as I am.
549
00:22:02,408 --> 00:22:05,193
Thank you, Winchester.Nice of you to say so. Clamp.
550
00:22:07,021 --> 00:22:09,328
-Uh, Colonel?
-Yes?
551
00:22:09,328 --> 00:22:11,678
-I meant that sincerely.-I know you did.
552
00:22:13,157 --> 00:22:17,031
Isn't there anything
you have to say to me?
553
00:22:17,031 --> 00:22:19,860
Yeah. Get back to work.
554
00:22:28,738 --> 00:22:30,784
Uh, Colonel,
I'm sorry to interrupt
your feeling better,
555
00:22:30,784 --> 00:22:33,047
but there's a Mr. Klingerhere to see you?
556
00:22:33,047 --> 00:22:35,354
-Thank you, son. Send it in.-Right.
557
00:22:35,354 --> 00:22:36,964
Mr. Klinger?
558
00:22:36,964 --> 00:22:38,966
Mr. Potter,
you wanted to see me?
559
00:22:38,966 --> 00:22:41,925
Come in, Klinger. Sit down.
560
00:22:41,925 --> 00:22:44,754
Thanks!
Boy, did you see 'em
561
00:22:44,754 --> 00:22:46,930
tearing down the Rivoli
Theater this morning?
562
00:22:46,930 --> 00:22:49,542
I hear they're gonna replace itwith a three-story high-rise.
563
00:22:49,542 --> 00:22:51,195
All right,enough of this palaver.
564
00:22:51,195 --> 00:22:52,936
I got your Section 8paperwork right here.
565
00:22:52,936 --> 00:22:54,373
What am I doing
in Section 8?
566
00:22:54,373 --> 00:22:55,722
I thought I was working
on the roof.
567
00:22:55,722 --> 00:22:57,811
Klinger, you've convinced me.
568
00:22:57,811 --> 00:22:59,378
At first I thoughtall this not believing
569
00:22:59,378 --> 00:23:01,771
you're in the armywas just another scam.
570
00:23:01,771 --> 00:23:03,904
But you really thinkyou're in Toledo,
571
00:23:03,904 --> 00:23:05,340
-don't you?
-Don't you?
572
00:23:05,340 --> 00:23:07,603
Okay. Let's get to it.
573
00:23:07,603 --> 00:23:09,300
I just want to checkthe facts
574
00:23:09,300 --> 00:23:11,128
before I send yourpaperwork on to H.Q.
575
00:23:11,128 --> 00:23:12,739
I don't understand what
you're talking about,
576
00:23:12,739 --> 00:23:13,783
but you're the foreman.
577
00:23:13,783 --> 00:23:15,872
Okay, name, Max Klinger.
578
00:23:15,872 --> 00:23:17,178
Right. That's with one X.
579
00:23:17,178 --> 00:23:19,615
-Got it. Place of birth?-Toledo, Ohio.
580
00:23:19,615 --> 00:23:21,487
Fine. Mother's maiden name?
581
00:23:21,487 --> 00:23:23,053
Abodeely.
That's with two E's.
582
00:23:23,053 --> 00:23:24,403
Social Security number?
583
00:23:24,403 --> 00:23:26,535
556-78-2613.
584
00:23:26,535 --> 00:23:27,884
-Rank?
-Corporal.
585
00:23:27,884 --> 00:23:30,409
Aha! Gotcha, soldier!
586
00:23:43,857 --> 00:23:45,380
[theme music playing]
44692
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