Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:01,958 --> 00:00:04,787
♪♪ [theme]
2
00:00:54,445 --> 00:00:56,752
♪♪ [singing Italian opera]
3
00:01:05,108 --> 00:01:09,634
♪ La donna e mobile
Oh, what I ate today ♪
4
00:01:09,678 --> 00:01:14,291
♪ Pasta fazool
and army gruel ♪
5
00:01:14,335 --> 00:01:16,511
♪♪ [continues]
6
00:01:22,082 --> 00:01:24,127
Do you realize
that you are singing
7
00:01:24,171 --> 00:01:26,608
two entirely different operas,
and they are both out of tune?
8
00:01:26,651 --> 00:01:29,306
-Don't blame me.
I didn't write this stuff.
-As you were.
9
00:01:29,350 --> 00:01:31,482
I'm always as I were,
but thanks anyway.
10
00:01:31,526 --> 00:01:33,397
I need a volunteer
for a business trip.
11
00:01:33,441 --> 00:01:36,183
I haven't volunteered
since my draft board
12
00:01:36,226 --> 00:01:38,576
tied me up in a gunny sack
and sent me over here.
13
00:01:38,620 --> 00:01:40,839
The 8063rd is all agog
14
00:01:40,883 --> 00:01:43,233
over our arterial
transplant technique.
15
00:01:43,277 --> 00:01:45,714
And "gog" they should.
We're fantastic.
16
00:01:45,757 --> 00:01:48,020
You know, what you need
is a humility transplant.
17
00:01:48,064 --> 00:01:51,894
-Unfortunately,
you'll never be a donor.
-How unkind.
18
00:01:51,937 --> 00:01:54,679
They heard we know
how to save a leg when
the artery's destroyed,
19
00:01:54,723 --> 00:01:57,856
and the C.O. up there
begged me to send him
my best surgeon
20
00:01:57,900 --> 00:02:00,381
-to demonstrate the technique.
-Oh, now really, Colonel.
21
00:02:00,424 --> 00:02:03,035
I'm far too busy
to go traipsing over
to every MASH unit
22
00:02:03,079 --> 00:02:05,037
that's too lazy to read
a paper on the subject.
23
00:02:05,081 --> 00:02:07,649
You just
powder your buns, Major.
I'm sending Pierce.
24
00:02:07,692 --> 00:02:10,478
I thought you said
"volunteers."
25
00:02:10,521 --> 00:02:13,350
-I was breaking it
to you gently.
-Why me?
26
00:02:13,394 --> 00:02:15,483
-Indeed, why him?
-Yeah, why him?
27
00:02:15,526 --> 00:02:17,006
Because he's done
dozens of them.
28
00:02:17,049 --> 00:02:19,269
My goodness, but you boys
are competitive.
29
00:02:19,313 --> 00:02:20,357
MARGARET:
Hurry up in there!
30
00:02:20,401 --> 00:02:22,142
Your time was up ten
minutes ago!
31
00:02:22,185 --> 00:02:25,188
You leave in the morning
at 0800, so pack up
your old kit bag
32
00:02:25,232 --> 00:02:27,451
and, uh, give us
a little smile.
33
00:02:27,495 --> 00:02:30,324
-I'm not so sure I love this.
-And pick a nurse to go
with you.
34
00:02:30,367 --> 00:02:32,717
I'm not so sure
I hate it, either.
35
00:02:32,761 --> 00:02:35,416
-Will you hurry up in here?
-Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!
36
00:02:35,459 --> 00:02:39,376
-[all clamoring]
-Ladies, ladies.
37
00:02:39,420 --> 00:02:42,510
Before you go in there
and scrape off your
current layer of Korea,
38
00:02:42,553 --> 00:02:45,339
we have a request
for one doctor and one nurse
39
00:02:45,382 --> 00:02:48,994
to demonstrate arterial
transplants at the 8063rd.
40
00:02:49,038 --> 00:02:50,605
Captain Pierce will be
the doctor.
41
00:02:50,648 --> 00:02:52,520
And one of you lucky folks
will be the nurse.
42
00:02:52,563 --> 00:02:56,350
I need someone who can explain
this procedure fast and simple.
43
00:02:56,393 --> 00:03:00,049
Someone with good hands
who's about 5'5" with
freshly laundered hair,
44
00:03:00,092 --> 00:03:03,052
who does not have a tendency
to giggle in the dark.
45
00:03:03,095 --> 00:03:05,054
If you remember, Captain,
46
00:03:05,097 --> 00:03:08,100
I assisted when Dr. Borelli
taught you that operation.
47
00:03:08,144 --> 00:03:10,929
Yes, and you were wonderful,
Major. Just wonderful.
48
00:03:10,973 --> 00:03:12,279
Could I take
a look at your hands?
49
00:03:12,322 --> 00:03:13,323
You're not gonna look
at her hands
50
00:03:13,367 --> 00:03:14,542
or any other part of her.
51
00:03:14,585 --> 00:03:15,934
I'm going with you.
52
00:03:15,978 --> 00:03:18,198
Well, I think a doctor
should choose his nurse.
53
00:03:18,241 --> 00:03:20,678
I'm going with him.
Period. End of sentence.
54
00:03:20,722 --> 00:03:23,681
-Comma. She is in charge
of the nurses.
-You said it!
55
00:03:23,725 --> 00:03:26,249
-Exclamation point.
-[all clamoring]
56
00:03:26,293 --> 00:03:28,730
Let's put it
on a volunteer basis.
57
00:03:28,773 --> 00:03:30,253
Why don't I go with
this volunteer here?
58
00:03:30,297 --> 00:03:33,343
Because this is
a nursing staff,
not a harem.
59
00:03:33,387 --> 00:03:34,910
Margaret,
may I tell you something
60
00:03:34,953 --> 00:03:36,520
in short,
easy-to-understand words?
61
00:03:36,564 --> 00:03:39,436
Tell her tomorrow at 0800.
Now, hit the sack.
62
00:03:39,480 --> 00:03:41,525
Now I'm sorry I didn't
use all the hot water.
63
00:03:43,397 --> 00:03:46,269
-Hurry up. We'll be late.
-Put them in there, Sabu.
64
00:03:46,313 --> 00:03:48,880
-If it please you, Effendi.
-Why should I be offended?
65
00:03:48,924 --> 00:03:51,405
-Is that how
you're gonna be dressed?
-I try to look my best.
66
00:03:51,448 --> 00:03:53,189
You know how jealous
those other doctors can be.
67
00:03:53,233 --> 00:03:54,495
Here's a box of sulfa
68
00:03:54,538 --> 00:03:57,106
and six cans
of fancy cling peaches.
69
00:03:57,149 --> 00:04:00,240
These aren't your puny slices.
These are giant half peaches,
big as your fist.
70
00:04:00,283 --> 00:04:02,633
I thought we'd stop
at a Howard Johnson's.
I hate to eat in the car.
71
00:04:02,677 --> 00:04:05,332
This ain't for you, Skeezix.
I want you to do a little
trading.
72
00:04:05,375 --> 00:04:07,290
See if they've got
some penicillin.
73
00:04:07,334 --> 00:04:09,814
Don't take less than
50 vials of penicillin
for those peaches.
74
00:04:09,858 --> 00:04:11,381
Here, Major, before you go,
75
00:04:11,425 --> 00:04:12,817
you got a letter
from Colonel Penobscott.
76
00:04:12,861 --> 00:04:16,212
Thank you.
Would you mind standing back?
77
00:04:16,256 --> 00:04:17,779
Why? Is something
gonna jump out of it?
78
00:04:17,822 --> 00:04:19,998
I don't want you reading
over my shoulder.
79
00:04:20,042 --> 00:04:23,263
-What is all this stuff?
-Lipstick, nylons, perfume.
80
00:04:23,306 --> 00:04:25,308
And a jar of Charles's caviar.
81
00:04:25,352 --> 00:04:27,267
You can only get so far
with peaches.
82
00:04:27,310 --> 00:04:28,485
Did Charles mind?
83
00:04:28,529 --> 00:04:31,706
Didn't say a word.
Didn't even wake up.
84
00:04:31,749 --> 00:04:33,577
Now, you be sure
and call us when you get there
85
00:04:33,621 --> 00:04:34,796
so we'll know
you're all right.
86
00:04:34,839 --> 00:04:37,842
-Yes, Dad.
-[gasping]
87
00:04:37,886 --> 00:04:41,150
-Boy, he sure packs a lot
in a few sentences.
-Mind your own business.
88
00:04:41,193 --> 00:04:43,326
-Don't do anything
I wouldn't do.
-What don't you do?
89
00:04:43,370 --> 00:04:45,633
-I'll think of something.
-Can we go?
90
00:04:45,676 --> 00:04:48,853
-CHARLES: He stole my caviar!
-Bye, folks. We'll write.
91
00:04:50,202 --> 00:04:52,248
He stole my caviar!
92
00:04:52,292 --> 00:04:54,294
♪♪ [Hawkeye singing opera]
93
00:05:05,217 --> 00:05:06,523
Do you have to sing?
94
00:05:06,567 --> 00:05:08,656
I didn't bring
my tap shoes.
95
00:05:08,699 --> 00:05:11,528
-You have a grating voice.
-Oh, it's just a modest voice.
96
00:05:11,572 --> 00:05:13,225
I never thought
of it as great.
97
00:05:13,269 --> 00:05:15,663
Grating. Ting, ting.
98
00:05:15,706 --> 00:05:18,013
-Hello.
-What?
99
00:05:18,056 --> 00:05:20,363
It's a game, right?
Like knock, knock?
100
00:05:20,407 --> 00:05:23,366
You say, "Ting, ting."
I say, "Hello." Okay, go ahead.
101
00:05:23,410 --> 00:05:26,021
Hello?
102
00:05:26,064 --> 00:05:28,066
What's the joke?
103
00:05:28,110 --> 00:05:30,852
The joke is that
of all the people
I could've driven 40 miles
104
00:05:30,895 --> 00:05:34,464
into the wilderness with,
I had to get an orangutan.
105
00:05:34,508 --> 00:05:37,162
Look, Margaret, why don't we
make the best of this?
106
00:05:37,206 --> 00:05:39,469
There's no reason we can't
pass the time pleasantly.
107
00:05:39,513 --> 00:05:41,515
Why don't you read me
your letter?
108
00:05:41,558 --> 00:05:43,430
Why don't you eat
your steering wheel?
109
00:05:43,473 --> 00:05:46,781
-Just trying to be friendly.
-[Margaret screams]
110
00:05:46,824 --> 00:05:49,392
-What are you doing?
-Getting out of here.
What do you think I'm doing?
111
00:05:49,436 --> 00:05:50,741
Keep moving!
112
00:05:50,785 --> 00:05:53,440
You watch how fast
I move once I turn around.
113
00:05:53,483 --> 00:05:55,442
Straight ahead!
They're not gonna hit anything!
114
00:05:55,485 --> 00:05:57,444
They're hitting the road!
You don't call that anything?
115
00:05:57,487 --> 00:05:59,707
What are you gonna do?
Go backwards all the way home?
116
00:05:59,750 --> 00:06:01,752
I'm trying to find a place
to turn around!
117
00:06:01,796 --> 00:06:05,147
-[Margaret screams]
-Maybe you're right.
118
00:06:08,019 --> 00:06:09,412
On the other hand
119
00:06:09,456 --> 00:06:12,067
Are you trying
to get us killed?
120
00:06:12,110 --> 00:06:15,853
Get this car in gear
and start driving that way!
121
00:06:15,897 --> 00:06:18,290
Maybe you haven't noticed.
They're lobbing shells
over there.
122
00:06:18,334 --> 00:06:20,945
Ignore them!
[screams]
123
00:06:20,989 --> 00:06:24,558
Okay!
[shouting]
124
00:06:24,601 --> 00:06:27,430
I can't hear you anymore.
Do you read me?
125
00:06:27,474 --> 00:06:29,606
Tell me if you read me,
damn it!
126
00:06:29,650 --> 00:06:33,523
MAN: Every other word.
Say again. Not too clear.
127
00:06:33,567 --> 00:06:34,785
What's happening?
What's the problem?
128
00:06:34,829 --> 00:06:36,265
KLINGER:
The 8063rd had to bug out.
129
00:06:36,308 --> 00:06:37,701
The North Koreans were
so close,
130
00:06:37,745 --> 00:06:40,051
they were practically
in their chow line.
131
00:06:40,095 --> 00:06:42,010
-B.J.: What about Hawk and
Margaret? Are they with them?
-I don't know.
132
00:06:42,053 --> 00:06:45,405
-All I get now is static.
-Can you try another frequency?
133
00:06:45,448 --> 00:06:49,670
KLINGER: 8063rd,
this is MASH 4077.
What's happening?
134
00:06:49,713 --> 00:06:52,673
This is 8063rd.
Do you copy? Over.
135
00:06:52,716 --> 00:06:56,154
This is 4077.
Pierce and Houlihan--
Are they with you?
136
00:06:56,198 --> 00:06:58,156
They never showed up.
137
00:06:58,200 --> 00:07:00,463
Damn it. Why didn't you
tell us you were gonna move?
138
00:07:00,507 --> 00:07:02,422
Happened too fast.
If they take
the same road back
139
00:07:02,465 --> 00:07:04,162
there's a chance
we'll see them.
140
00:07:04,206 --> 00:07:07,601
-How big a chance?
-[static]
141
00:07:07,644 --> 00:07:10,212
-You keep trying.
I'll get Potter.
-They bugged out.
142
00:07:10,255 --> 00:07:12,954
MARGARET: That means
we're behind enemy lines.
143
00:07:12,997 --> 00:07:14,608
-Let's get out of here.
-Come on, hurry, will you?
144
00:07:14,651 --> 00:07:16,174
-I'm hurrying.
-Let's go!
145
00:07:16,218 --> 00:07:17,611
We're going!
We're going!
146
00:07:17,654 --> 00:07:18,699
[engine starts]
147
00:07:30,450 --> 00:07:31,712
MARGARET:
Why are you taking this road?
148
00:07:31,755 --> 00:07:33,453
HAWKEYE:
Because they're
not shelling it.
149
00:07:33,496 --> 00:07:37,457
I try to avoid roads that are
in the process of disappearing.
150
00:07:37,500 --> 00:07:39,763
-[explosion]
-What's that?
151
00:07:39,807 --> 00:07:42,940
Artillery.
Don't be such a coward.
152
00:07:42,984 --> 00:07:45,247
-[engine banging]
-That!
153
00:07:45,290 --> 00:07:48,163
Oh, that.
Don't pay any attention.
154
00:07:48,206 --> 00:07:50,034
[engine sputters, dies]
155
00:07:50,078 --> 00:07:52,254
[hissing]
156
00:07:52,297 --> 00:07:53,908
If you don't mind,
I'm gonna go into a mild panic.
157
00:07:53,951 --> 00:07:55,387
There's just something wrong
with the motor.
158
00:07:55,431 --> 00:07:56,476
Get out and fix it.
159
00:07:56,519 --> 00:07:59,783
Oh, okay. Sure.
No problem.
160
00:07:59,827 --> 00:08:01,219
I'll have this thing
going in no time.
161
00:08:06,311 --> 00:08:09,314
-What are you doing?
-You have to know how
to treat these brutes.
162
00:08:09,358 --> 00:08:11,665
I had a stubborn
Studebaker once.
163
00:08:11,708 --> 00:08:13,971
The only thing they understand
is a good, swift kick
in the radiator.
164
00:08:14,015 --> 00:08:16,452
Open the hood.
165
00:08:16,496 --> 00:08:18,889
That's this, right?
166
00:08:28,725 --> 00:08:32,337
There. It ought to be
all downhill from here on.
167
00:08:32,381 --> 00:08:36,690
Probably something very simple,
like maybe a broken buckle on
the fan belt.
168
00:08:36,733 --> 00:08:39,649
-Let me see.
-I thought you'd never ask.
169
00:08:39,693 --> 00:08:42,130
Maybe the muffler unraveled.
170
00:08:42,173 --> 00:08:45,133
Or maybe the...
171
00:08:45,176 --> 00:08:48,266
Maybe the radiator cap
has snapped its brim.
172
00:08:51,095 --> 00:08:52,444
I tried that already.
173
00:08:53,968 --> 00:08:56,231
Margaret, face it.
The patient is dead.
174
00:08:56,274 --> 00:08:59,495
Why don't we pull a sheet
over its headlights and move on?
175
00:08:59,539 --> 00:09:01,889
-[man speaking Korean]
-Hey.
176
00:09:05,501 --> 00:09:07,068
Come on.
177
00:09:07,111 --> 00:09:08,373
[Korean continues]
178
00:09:34,269 --> 00:09:36,445
[starter cranking]
179
00:09:39,317 --> 00:09:41,363
[engine starts]
180
00:09:49,501 --> 00:09:51,460
[laughing, cheering]
181
00:10:02,340 --> 00:10:04,386
I hope you're not
blaming me for that.
182
00:10:04,429 --> 00:10:07,824
How can a grown man be
so mechanically incompetent?
183
00:10:07,868 --> 00:10:12,307
-I take a lot of cabs.
-Oh! Come on!
184
00:10:12,350 --> 00:10:15,789
Boy, I wouldn't want to be
those guys when the Colonel
finds out his jeep is missing.
185
00:10:15,832 --> 00:10:17,486
Oh! Jeez!
186
00:10:21,185 --> 00:10:24,275
Captain, my chief surgeon
and my head nurse are lost
behind enemy lines.
187
00:10:24,319 --> 00:10:26,451
Don't you think "I" Corps
ought to find them?
188
00:10:26,495 --> 00:10:27,975
Don't waste time.
Tell him you want to talk
to the General.
189
00:10:28,018 --> 00:10:29,933
Will you pipe down?
190
00:10:29,977 --> 00:10:32,066
Captain, I got the feeling
I'm talking to a broken record.
191
00:10:32,109 --> 00:10:34,590
Get me General Roberts.
192
00:10:34,634 --> 00:10:36,723
You're afraid
that's impossible?
193
00:10:36,766 --> 00:10:40,596
Try not to be afraid, Captain.
You're supposed to be a soldier.
194
00:10:40,640 --> 00:10:42,729
When he comes in,
I would really appreciate
195
00:10:42,772 --> 00:10:44,948
a little jingle
on the talking machine.
196
00:10:44,992 --> 00:10:47,124
How can they let them wander
around behind enemy lines
197
00:10:47,168 --> 00:10:48,952
without lifting a finger
to help them?
198
00:10:48,996 --> 00:10:50,824
They're expecting
some action in this area
199
00:10:50,867 --> 00:10:52,390
and they don't want
to send up a spotter plane
200
00:10:52,434 --> 00:10:54,044
for fear it'll tip off
the enemy.
201
00:10:54,088 --> 00:10:55,567
That's ridiculous!
I don't accept that!
202
00:10:55,611 --> 00:10:56,960
What are you getting mad
at me for?
203
00:10:57,004 --> 00:10:58,962
I'm just delivering
the message.
204
00:10:59,006 --> 00:11:01,617
What did you do the day
you were drafted?
Shoot the Western Union boy?
205
00:11:01,661 --> 00:11:03,663
First I tipped him.
Look, I want somebody
to find them.
206
00:11:03,706 --> 00:11:06,274
-So do I!
-I want somebody
to start looking right now!
207
00:11:06,317 --> 00:11:09,930
Stop dogging me, will ya?
Heel! Heel!
208
00:11:09,973 --> 00:11:12,280
♪ Peas, peas, peas, peas
209
00:11:12,323 --> 00:11:14,412
♪ Eating Goober's peas
210
00:11:14,456 --> 00:11:17,067
♪ Goodness,
how delicious eating ♪
211
00:11:17,111 --> 00:11:19,243
Will you stop that?
212
00:11:19,287 --> 00:11:20,723
That's a Civil War
marching song.
213
00:11:20,767 --> 00:11:23,421
Not another idiotic note!
214
00:11:23,465 --> 00:11:25,597
I was just trying
to be military.
215
00:11:25,641 --> 00:11:27,208
[grunting]
216
00:11:29,819 --> 00:11:31,386
You know, you shouldn't read
while you walk.
217
00:11:31,429 --> 00:11:32,604
It makes you grunt.
218
00:11:32,648 --> 00:11:35,085
Butt out, you-- you--
219
00:11:35,129 --> 00:11:37,566
You can't even fix a simple
case of engine trouble.
220
00:11:37,609 --> 00:11:40,221
-What kind of a man are you?
-Certainly not a serviceman.
221
00:11:40,264 --> 00:11:42,614
-In more ways than one.
-Come here. Come here.
Come here.
222
00:11:42,658 --> 00:11:43,615
Where are you going?
223
00:11:43,659 --> 00:11:45,617
There's a YMCA over here.
224
00:11:45,661 --> 00:11:48,055
Let's see if we can
check in for the night.
225
00:11:49,317 --> 00:11:51,014
Act like you
got a mustache.
226
00:11:54,104 --> 00:11:55,976
Cute.
227
00:11:59,806 --> 00:12:01,938
This place is
a handyman's delight.
228
00:12:01,982 --> 00:12:04,593
-A real fixer-upper.
-[shell explodes]
229
00:12:04,636 --> 00:12:07,291
I'm not staying in here.
It's a perfect target.
230
00:12:07,335 --> 00:12:09,467
Margaret,
some forward observer's
231
00:12:09,511 --> 00:12:11,905
probably using this hut
as a registration point.
232
00:12:11,948 --> 00:12:14,298
-He's not gonna destroy
his own benchmark.
-That's right.
233
00:12:14,342 --> 00:12:16,605
I didn't know you knew
anything military.
234
00:12:16,648 --> 00:12:18,259
I learned it at the movies.
"Abbott and Costello Meet
Hitler."
235
00:12:21,305 --> 00:12:25,309
I just don't want to walk
around out there while
it's raining artillery shells.
236
00:12:25,353 --> 00:12:28,443
[shells exploding]
237
00:12:28,486 --> 00:12:30,750
Margaret, stay where you are.
I'll be back in a minute.
238
00:12:33,143 --> 00:12:35,232
-You're not going out there.
-Hard to believe, isn't it?
239
00:12:35,276 --> 00:12:37,495
You just said it was
raining artillery shells.
240
00:12:37,539 --> 00:12:40,107
-I'll run between the drops.
-I'm coming with you.
241
00:12:40,150 --> 00:12:42,239
Oh, no. Every time we try
to do something together,
242
00:12:42,283 --> 00:12:43,980
we have a 20-minute
debate about it.
243
00:12:44,024 --> 00:12:45,460
I won't argue with you.
Let's go.
244
00:12:45,503 --> 00:12:46,809
Just make sure you keep low.
245
00:12:46,853 --> 00:12:49,116
Lower!
246
00:12:49,159 --> 00:12:52,684
-I'll dig a tunnel.
-You know absolutely
nothing about soldiering.
247
00:12:52,728 --> 00:12:55,252
I do not want to discuss
my every breath with you.
248
00:12:55,296 --> 00:12:57,646
-I'm not saying a word.
-Good.
249
00:12:57,689 --> 00:13:00,475
I'm not a buttinsky.
Do it your way. Go by yourself.
250
00:13:00,518 --> 00:13:02,651
-Thank you.
-But keep low.
251
00:13:02,694 --> 00:13:05,001
[growling]
252
00:13:05,045 --> 00:13:08,483
Keep low. Stay down.
Hurry up!
253
00:13:17,622 --> 00:13:19,799
-[shell explodes]
-Stay there!
254
00:13:19,842 --> 00:13:22,279
What are you doing?
Get out of there!
255
00:13:22,323 --> 00:13:27,067
-[coughing]
-Stay down! Keep low!
256
00:13:27,110 --> 00:13:30,287
Stay down! Keep low!
Keep low!
257
00:13:30,331 --> 00:13:33,551
What's the matter with you?
You run out there and risk
your life,
258
00:13:33,595 --> 00:13:35,902
and then you come back
without him?
259
00:13:35,945 --> 00:13:38,382
He's dead.
260
00:13:38,426 --> 00:13:40,820
[shell explodes]
261
00:13:49,306 --> 00:13:52,222
All right.
You can get off me now.
262
00:13:52,266 --> 00:13:55,747
-Yeah, well, uh...
-You better get off me, buster!
263
00:13:55,791 --> 00:13:57,227
I think I got something
stuck in my leg.
264
00:13:57,271 --> 00:13:58,881
Oh, my God.
265
00:13:58,925 --> 00:14:00,709
Wait a minute.
266
00:14:13,330 --> 00:14:16,594
-[fabric tearing]
-Margaret, there's no time
for that now. Look at my wound.
267
00:14:16,638 --> 00:14:19,902
Oh, will you be quiet?
You're hurt.
Do you want some morphine?
268
00:14:19,946 --> 00:14:22,078
How bad is it?
I can hardly feel it.
269
00:14:22,122 --> 00:14:24,907
You got a hunk of wood in there.
You want me to take it out?
270
00:14:24,951 --> 00:14:27,692
Of course I do!
If I want a souvenir,
I'll go to a gift shop.
271
00:14:27,736 --> 00:14:29,781
I'm gonna pour some alcohol
on it. It might sting.
272
00:14:29,825 --> 00:14:32,567
-[screaming]
-Stop twitching!
273
00:14:32,610 --> 00:14:34,047
You're making this
very difficult!
274
00:14:34,090 --> 00:14:37,311
-Forget it. Leave it in.
-Just hold still.
275
00:14:39,052 --> 00:14:42,229
-[screams]
-Will you be quiet
and hold still?
276
00:14:42,272 --> 00:14:43,926
I can't get ahold of it.
277
00:14:43,970 --> 00:14:45,754
I don't want
to make things worse.
278
00:14:45,797 --> 00:14:48,583
No, me neither. No.
279
00:14:48,626 --> 00:14:52,021
-There. Ah.
-[grunting]
280
00:14:52,065 --> 00:14:54,023
-You want to look at it?
-Don't be morbid.
281
00:14:54,067 --> 00:14:56,199
Just clean it off
and put a dressing on it.
282
00:14:56,243 --> 00:14:57,548
Let me give you
a shot of morphine.
283
00:14:57,592 --> 00:14:59,724
Will you stop pushing
the morphine?
284
00:14:59,768 --> 00:15:01,248
Okay, but this is
gonna hurt a little.
285
00:15:01,291 --> 00:15:02,771
That's all right.
I'm tough.
286
00:15:02,814 --> 00:15:06,166
-Uh-huh.
-[explosions continue]
287
00:15:06,209 --> 00:15:08,124
[screams]
288
00:15:08,168 --> 00:15:09,909
-I haven't even started yet.
-I'm just practicing.
289
00:15:11,911 --> 00:15:15,262
-Where's Colonel Potter?
-Checking his list
of classmates
290
00:15:15,305 --> 00:15:17,917
to see who can help
find Captain Pierce
and Major Houlihan.
291
00:15:17,960 --> 00:15:21,964
Well, I have an appointment
with him. It's absolutely
crucial that I see him.
292
00:15:22,008 --> 00:15:24,358
Still trying to get
transferred, huh, Major?
293
00:15:24,401 --> 00:15:26,360
Are you addressing me?
294
00:15:26,403 --> 00:15:30,059
Major, we're both looking for
that great exit sign in the sky.
295
00:15:30,103 --> 00:15:33,845
-We're soul mates.
-What we are is cell mates.
296
00:15:33,889 --> 00:15:35,412
Beyond that minimal similarity,
there's a vast difference
297
00:15:35,456 --> 00:15:37,545
which I can easily demonstrate
298
00:15:37,588 --> 00:15:41,331
by having you assigned
to eternal K.P.,
if you get my drift.
299
00:15:41,375 --> 00:15:44,682
Relax, Major.
I'm on your side.
300
00:15:44,726 --> 00:15:47,468
Maybe we could, uh,
trade a few secrets,
301
00:15:47,511 --> 00:15:50,079
butter each other's bread,
if you get my drift.
302
00:15:50,123 --> 00:15:53,561
Why don't you knit yourself
a giant cesspool and go for
a swim?
303
00:15:53,604 --> 00:15:57,652
-I'm treading water right now,
Major, just like you.
-[phone ringing]
304
00:15:57,695 --> 00:16:00,655
I hope that's good news.
305
00:16:00,698 --> 00:16:03,658
MASH 4077th.
306
00:16:03,701 --> 00:16:06,443
Yes, sir.
Right away, sir.
307
00:16:06,487 --> 00:16:09,055
General Roberts! He could
get me out of here in a minute
308
00:16:09,098 --> 00:16:11,144
if only he could
see my outfit.
309
00:16:11,187 --> 00:16:13,450
What a waste.
I'll get Colonel Potter.
310
00:16:21,545 --> 00:16:23,678
[chuckling]
311
00:16:28,509 --> 00:16:30,511
General Roberts?
312
00:16:30,554 --> 00:16:33,079
This is Major Charles
Emerson Winchester.
313
00:16:33,122 --> 00:16:34,341
I just thought
you'd like to know, sir,
314
00:16:34,384 --> 00:16:36,038
there's been quite an error
315
00:16:36,082 --> 00:16:38,040
in assignments here.
316
00:16:38,084 --> 00:16:42,088
There's someone here
who should be in Tokyo.
317
00:16:42,131 --> 00:16:44,351
Yes, General, I am he.
318
00:16:44,394 --> 00:16:46,918
Sad to say, I'm terribly
overqualified for this
319
00:16:46,962 --> 00:16:49,051
very pleasant little outfit,
320
00:16:49,095 --> 00:16:51,053
and I--
321
00:16:51,097 --> 00:16:53,838
I beg your pardon? No.
322
00:16:53,882 --> 00:16:55,840
General, I'm not
wearing a dress. No.
323
00:16:55,884 --> 00:16:58,756
You have me confused
with a lunatic.
324
00:16:58,800 --> 00:17:00,715
You don't?
325
00:17:00,758 --> 00:17:03,370
May I ask
what you mean by that?
326
00:17:03,413 --> 00:17:06,938
No, I will not get a good grip
on my nylons! How dare you!
327
00:17:10,116 --> 00:17:15,251
Hello, General.
Hello.
328
00:17:15,295 --> 00:17:17,993
-The line's dead.
-Indeed it is.
329
00:17:18,037 --> 00:17:20,082
Our conversation
was short and un-sweet.
330
00:17:20,126 --> 00:17:22,954
-What did he say, Charles?
-That idiot thought I was
Klinger!
331
00:17:22,998 --> 00:17:26,262
Roberts never was too bright.
What's his estimate of the
situation?
332
00:17:26,306 --> 00:17:28,177
He told me to take
my application for transfer
333
00:17:28,221 --> 00:17:31,050
and tuck it in my bra
until the war was over.
334
00:17:31,093 --> 00:17:35,097
-What did he say about Hawkeye
and Margaret?
-What... What?
335
00:17:35,141 --> 00:17:38,622
-You idiot.
-You know how long we've been
trying to get through to him?
336
00:17:38,666 --> 00:17:41,190
I'm gonna get you your
transfer to another hospital,
pal, as a patient!
337
00:17:41,234 --> 00:17:46,282
Gentlemen, I am as concerned
about them as you are.
338
00:17:46,326 --> 00:17:49,024
I was temporarily blinded
by the opportunity.
339
00:17:49,068 --> 00:17:51,679
I will get General Roberts
on the phone and straighten
the whole thing out.
340
00:17:51,722 --> 00:17:54,508
Stay away from that phone,
or you'll be bunking with
my horse.
341
00:17:54,551 --> 00:17:57,076
I'm putting through
the call myself.
342
00:17:57,119 --> 00:18:00,949
Then I'm gonna sit here
until somebody can find
Pierce and Houlihan!
343
00:18:03,212 --> 00:18:04,996
Listen, I want to apologize.
344
00:18:05,040 --> 00:18:07,086
I'm sorry I insisted
on going ahead
345
00:18:07,129 --> 00:18:09,131
-when we started
getting shelled.
-Oh, that's all right.
346
00:18:09,175 --> 00:18:12,047
You come from a long line
of courageous military people.
347
00:18:12,091 --> 00:18:14,919
Insanity is hereditary.
348
00:18:14,963 --> 00:18:16,269
I suppose I deserve that.
349
00:18:16,312 --> 00:18:18,314
No, you don't.
I was being kind.
350
00:18:18,358 --> 00:18:20,838
I was upset.
I wasn't thinking clearly.
351
00:18:20,882 --> 00:18:23,319
What's eating you, anyway?
What is it, the letter?
352
00:18:23,363 --> 00:18:25,278
-What's in it?
-Never mind!
353
00:18:27,367 --> 00:18:30,413
-[chuckling]
-What are you laughing at?
354
00:18:30,457 --> 00:18:32,850
I just remembered.
355
00:18:32,894 --> 00:18:35,114
You're gonna be sorry
you were mean to me
when you see what I brought.
356
00:18:35,157 --> 00:18:38,508
Probably a bottle of that
liquid rat poison of yours.
Forget it.
357
00:18:38,552 --> 00:18:41,207
Ha-ha on you.
358
00:18:41,250 --> 00:18:43,339
-Japanese scotch.
-Oh.
359
00:18:45,254 --> 00:18:48,083
-So how good could that be?
-How good does it have to be?
360
00:18:48,127 --> 00:18:50,346
Give me the bottle.
Is that cup clean?
361
00:18:50,390 --> 00:18:53,262
It can't be too dirty.
Whatever's in the bottom
is still alive.
362
00:18:53,306 --> 00:18:55,830
Just pass the cup.
363
00:18:57,614 --> 00:18:58,615
[cups clink]
364
00:19:03,446 --> 00:19:05,753
Do you think we'll
ever get out of here?
365
00:19:05,796 --> 00:19:08,886
I was just gonna ask you
the same question.
366
00:19:08,930 --> 00:19:12,499
I don't like the war, you know.
I hate it.
367
00:19:12,542 --> 00:19:14,936
I hate the destruction.
368
00:19:14,979 --> 00:19:17,939
The stupidity of the waste.
369
00:19:17,982 --> 00:19:20,681
The disruption
of personal lives.
370
00:19:23,901 --> 00:19:27,209
-Margaret,
what's in the letter?
-Oh, well!
371
00:19:27,253 --> 00:19:31,213
It probably would, uh,
hand you a laugh, actually.
372
00:19:31,257 --> 00:19:34,869
For instance-- This is only
the beginning.
373
00:19:34,912 --> 00:19:36,871
"My dear Darleen."
374
00:19:36,914 --> 00:19:40,222
-Is that your nickname?
-No.
375
00:19:40,266 --> 00:19:43,269
-Why is he calling you Darleen?
-He's not calling me Darleen.
376
00:19:43,312 --> 00:19:46,620
He put this letter
in the wrong envelope.
377
00:19:46,663 --> 00:19:49,753
"My dear Darleen.
378
00:19:49,797 --> 00:19:52,147
"How long it's been
since we walked together
379
00:19:52,191 --> 00:19:54,236
"on the beach at Oahu.
380
00:19:54,280 --> 00:19:58,066
"I can still see the moonlight
splashing on your shoulders
381
00:19:58,109 --> 00:20:01,330
and hear the gentle whoosh,
whoosh, whoosh of the waves."
382
00:20:03,158 --> 00:20:05,900
His last letter to me dealt
entirely with a self-loading
383
00:20:05,943 --> 00:20:08,555
semiautomatic submachine gun.
384
00:20:08,598 --> 00:20:10,165
My letter went
"clickety, click, click,"
385
00:20:10,209 --> 00:20:12,298
whereas hers goes
"whoosh, whoosh, whoosh."
386
00:20:12,341 --> 00:20:15,910
-And splashing moonlight.
-"I know you've heard
I'm married.
387
00:20:15,953 --> 00:20:17,303
"I'm sure you'd like her.
388
00:20:17,346 --> 00:20:20,567
"She's competent
and a hard worker.
389
00:20:20,610 --> 00:20:24,571
"She'll make an excellent
hostess when we return
to the States.
390
00:20:24,614 --> 00:20:28,270
All in all, a sturdy woman."
391
00:20:28,314 --> 00:20:31,317
-Sturdy!
-Sturdy is nice.
392
00:20:31,360 --> 00:20:33,754
Sturdy can be, uh,
quite, uh...
393
00:20:33,797 --> 00:20:37,453
I mean nothing to him!
394
00:20:37,497 --> 00:20:41,457
If I were a half-ton truck,
he'd be more lyrical about me.
395
00:20:41,501 --> 00:20:44,417
And the worst thing is
this stupid woman with
the ocean whooshing
396
00:20:44,460 --> 00:20:46,245
all over her toes
is this minute
397
00:20:46,288 --> 00:20:48,029
reading the letter
he meant for me.
398
00:20:48,072 --> 00:20:50,597
I'm sorry, Margaret.
You must really hurt.
399
00:20:50,640 --> 00:20:51,902
Hurt?
400
00:20:56,167 --> 00:20:58,474
You know what it feels like
to give your heart to somebody?
401
00:21:01,434 --> 00:21:06,308
To live just for a glimpse
of his handwriting in the mail?
402
00:21:06,352 --> 00:21:09,442
To lose sight of his picture
because you've covered it
with lipstick?
403
00:21:11,270 --> 00:21:13,054
And then to find out
you're sturdy?
404
00:21:15,622 --> 00:21:17,754
And then to have them lob
artillery shells at you, huh?
405
00:21:17,798 --> 00:21:19,321
It's certainly been
an interesting day.
406
00:21:22,803 --> 00:21:23,804
Margaret?
407
00:21:26,589 --> 00:21:28,983
I wish there was something
I could say to ease the pain.
408
00:21:29,026 --> 00:21:31,725
I'm all right.
I've always taken great pride
409
00:21:31,768 --> 00:21:33,683
in the fact that
I can adjust to anything.
410
00:21:33,727 --> 00:21:35,642
Margaret, why don't you
get it out of your system?
411
00:21:35,685 --> 00:21:38,384
I'm fine!
Thanks for the drink.
412
00:21:39,994 --> 00:21:42,910
-You want some more?
-Oh, a sip, maybe.
413
00:21:59,405 --> 00:22:00,928
I'll sleep over there.
414
00:22:08,588 --> 00:22:10,894
Oh, I think I should warn you.
415
00:22:10,938 --> 00:22:14,245
If you come over here
for any reason during
the night, announce yourself.
416
00:22:14,289 --> 00:22:16,900
-I intend to swing this
to kill.
-Good night.
417
00:22:31,480 --> 00:22:34,222
-[shell exploding]
-What? What? What?
418
00:22:34,265 --> 00:22:37,007
-Stop it! Will you stop it?
-Margaret, wait a minute.
419
00:22:37,051 --> 00:22:39,358
We're people! You can't shoot
at us like we're animals!
420
00:22:39,401 --> 00:22:42,491
You want to drive us crazy?
You want us to go insane?
Is that what you want?
421
00:22:42,535 --> 00:22:45,799
-Shut up!
-Why don't you let us have
one hour of sleep in peace?
422
00:22:45,842 --> 00:22:48,323
-[shell explodes]
-[screaming] Stop it! Stop it!
423
00:22:48,367 --> 00:22:51,805
You don't even know whether
we're Americans or Chinese
or Koreans!
424
00:22:51,848 --> 00:22:55,504
-Margaret, come here.
-I'm sorry. I'm afraid.
425
00:22:55,548 --> 00:22:58,942
-Me too. So am I.
-I don't like being afraid.
It scares me.
426
00:22:58,986 --> 00:23:01,684
Me too. I'd feel a lot braver
if I weren't so scared.
427
00:23:01,728 --> 00:23:03,947
-Please hold me.
-I'm holding you.
428
00:23:03,991 --> 00:23:07,081
-I can't feel it.
Hold me. Hold me.
-Margaret, I'm holding you.
429
00:23:07,124 --> 00:23:11,085
-[shell explodes]
-Will you cut it out?
You want to kill us?
430
00:23:11,128 --> 00:23:13,522
[shell explodes]
431
00:23:13,566 --> 00:23:16,220
-For cryin' out loud,
cut it out!
-Stop it! Will you stop it!
432
00:23:16,264 --> 00:23:18,832
-Just leave us alone!
-Will you cut it out!
433
00:23:18,875 --> 00:23:21,661
[shells exploding]
434
00:23:36,980 --> 00:23:38,939
Have you heard anything yet?
435
00:23:38,982 --> 00:23:41,332
I've been ready to pounce
on that telephone
for the past two hours.
436
00:23:41,376 --> 00:23:44,031
-Not a jingle.
-If only we could
get some news.
437
00:23:44,074 --> 00:23:46,033
Any news.
438
00:23:46,076 --> 00:23:47,600
You boys better get
some sleep.
439
00:23:47,643 --> 00:23:49,819
We're gonna miss 'em
in O.R. tomorrow.
440
00:23:49,863 --> 00:23:52,169
I can't sleep.
I keep expecting him
to walk through the door.
441
00:23:52,213 --> 00:23:55,390
I've said an entire novena
in one night.
442
00:23:55,434 --> 00:23:58,001
I guess we'll just
have to wait.
443
00:23:58,045 --> 00:24:00,700
-I'm sure they're all right.
-They must be going through
hell out there.
444
00:24:06,009 --> 00:24:08,708
♪♪ [theme]
35972
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.