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1
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♪♪ [theme]
2
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Oh.
3
00:01:08,677 --> 00:01:09,808
Lieutenant?
4
00:01:09,852 --> 00:01:11,941
Your journal came.
5
00:01:14,030 --> 00:01:16,641
Radar, you have
anything for me?
6
00:01:16,685 --> 00:01:20,689
Do I... do...
I... do... hi.
7
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-Radar.
-Do I have a...
8
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Did I get a letter?
9
00:01:24,519 --> 00:01:27,478
Oh, no,
I don't think so.
10
00:01:27,522 --> 00:01:29,350
But if I might say,
11
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that's a very nice towel
you're wearing, Lieutenant.
12
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Look at this, you dodo.
13
00:01:35,530 --> 00:01:36,748
You're standing here
talking to yourself.
14
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-Mail call.
-Sensational!
15
00:01:41,536 --> 00:01:43,277
Anything in
a pale blue envelope
16
00:01:43,320 --> 00:01:45,061
smells as though
it was written by a girl
17
00:01:45,105 --> 00:01:47,411
in a summer dress,
a spray of lilac at her elbow?
18
00:01:47,455 --> 00:01:49,065
You got a letter
from your congressman
19
00:01:49,109 --> 00:01:50,588
that the mail truck threw
20
00:01:50,632 --> 00:01:52,721
into Colonel Potter's
corral by mistake.
21
00:01:52,764 --> 00:01:55,158
-I think I'll pass.
-I'll take anything
from my family
22
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-no matter how it smells.
-It smells like crayons.
23
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Sure it's not from
my congressman?
24
00:01:59,684 --> 00:02:02,557
Hey, Radar. What's up?
You look down.
25
00:02:04,385 --> 00:02:07,039
Well, to tell you the truth,
can I talk to you guys?
26
00:02:07,083 --> 00:02:09,172
-To tell you the truth,
why not?
-Pull up a bunk.
27
00:02:09,216 --> 00:02:11,305
Hey, thanks.
28
00:02:11,348 --> 00:02:13,742
Um... Well, I'm very
concerned about something
29
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which concerns my life here.
30
00:02:15,222 --> 00:02:16,527
What's the trouble, Andy?
31
00:02:16,571 --> 00:02:18,268
Well... I don't think
32
00:02:18,312 --> 00:02:19,791
that this place
isn't turning out
33
00:02:19,835 --> 00:02:21,402
to be that great
an experience for me.
34
00:02:21,445 --> 00:02:23,447
I mean, I work under
terrible pressures
35
00:02:23,491 --> 00:02:25,406
and there's lots of death
and destruction and stuff.
36
00:02:25,449 --> 00:02:27,059
But other than that,
37
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I don't think I'm getting
much out of it.
38
00:02:28,670 --> 00:02:30,846
I knew there was something
wrong with this place.
39
00:02:30,889 --> 00:02:33,588
I mean,
the army's supposed to...
40
00:02:33,631 --> 00:02:35,764
well, it's supposed to make
a man out of you, isn't it?
41
00:02:35,807 --> 00:02:37,635
Well, it depends which
sex you are to start with.
42
00:02:37,679 --> 00:02:39,246
I mean, you have to
meet them halfway.
43
00:02:39,289 --> 00:02:41,030
Well, I'm just basically
the same person
44
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that I was
that I came in with.
45
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You think you could have run
an outfit this big
46
00:02:44,425 --> 00:02:45,687
before you came over here?
47
00:02:45,730 --> 00:02:47,297
Well, that's just
being a good clerk.
48
00:02:47,341 --> 00:02:48,559
What would you rather be?
49
00:02:53,347 --> 00:02:57,046
Okay, now, listen,
this is just talk.
50
00:02:57,089 --> 00:02:59,222
-Yeah, yeah.
-I mean, it's just sort
of thinking out loud.
51
00:02:59,266 --> 00:03:00,702
Yeah, yeah. Right.
52
00:03:00,745 --> 00:03:02,443
-What do you want to be?
-Oh.
53
00:03:04,053 --> 00:03:05,446
A hot lover.
54
00:03:07,056 --> 00:03:09,014
Or even a cold one,
I don't care.
55
00:03:09,058 --> 00:03:10,842
What makes you think the Army
can help you with that?
56
00:03:10,886 --> 00:03:13,280
When my uncle Ed came home
from World War I,
57
00:03:13,323 --> 00:03:14,890
his mother could tell
by the look in his eyes
58
00:03:14,933 --> 00:03:16,457
he hadn't been a good boy
in France.
59
00:03:16,500 --> 00:03:20,112
She cried for three days.
60
00:03:20,156 --> 00:03:22,506
I just know when I go home,
my mother's gonna take
one look at me
61
00:03:22,550 --> 00:03:24,769
and chuckle for a week.
62
00:03:24,813 --> 00:03:27,816
Radar, you're working yourself
into a froth over nothing.
63
00:03:27,859 --> 00:03:29,731
Oh, nothing, huh?
64
00:03:29,774 --> 00:03:31,385
Look, it's not such a big deal.
65
00:03:31,428 --> 00:03:33,474
Write yourself a weekend pass,
66
00:03:33,517 --> 00:03:36,041
borrow a jeep, and go down
to the Pink Pagoda in Seoul.
67
00:03:36,085 --> 00:03:37,869
Find some nice lady
who reminds you of your father
68
00:03:37,913 --> 00:03:39,480
and let nature
take its course.
69
00:03:39,523 --> 00:03:41,743
You mean, go to
the Pink Pagoda in Seoul,
70
00:03:41,786 --> 00:03:44,267
make friends with a lady,
and let nature take its course?
71
00:03:44,311 --> 00:03:46,617
Well, that's another way
of putting it, yes.
72
00:03:46,661 --> 00:03:49,620
Maybe you're not cut out
for a life of depravity.
Stick to sniffing letters.
73
00:03:49,664 --> 00:03:51,927
Yeah, but I'm the only one
that's going to leave this place
74
00:03:51,970 --> 00:03:53,798
younger than I was
when I came in.
75
00:03:53,842 --> 00:03:55,974
So go to Seoul.
Get it over with.
76
00:03:56,018 --> 00:03:59,456
You mean actually
go to Seoul, and...
77
00:03:59,500 --> 00:04:01,153
you know...
78
00:04:01,197 --> 00:04:03,460
A little "you know"
never hurt anybody.
79
00:04:03,504 --> 00:04:05,984
Some of our greatest
presidents did "you know."
80
00:04:06,028 --> 00:04:07,769
So let him wait'll
he's elected. Don't rush him.
81
00:04:07,812 --> 00:04:09,988
Who's rushing him?
He's over 12.
82
00:04:10,032 --> 00:04:12,469
Radar, relax. When the time
is right, you'll go.
83
00:04:12,513 --> 00:04:16,995
-Your glasses are fogging. Go.
-Okay.
84
00:04:17,039 --> 00:04:18,258
Okay, I will.
85
00:04:18,301 --> 00:04:19,650
Next week.
86
00:04:19,694 --> 00:04:20,695
Now!
87
00:04:22,044 --> 00:04:25,003
Okay, okay, now.
88
00:04:27,528 --> 00:04:30,008
You know something?
89
00:04:30,052 --> 00:04:31,140
I feel different already.
90
00:04:32,707 --> 00:04:34,143
I think I'm getting a fever.
91
00:04:38,495 --> 00:04:40,454
Hey!
92
00:04:40,497 --> 00:04:41,716
Any of you guys from Iowa?
93
00:04:41,759 --> 00:04:43,500
Yeah. You headed that way?
94
00:04:43,544 --> 00:04:46,547
Oh, no. I'm going
into Seoul to, uh...
95
00:04:46,590 --> 00:04:48,723
[clearing throat]
Just going into Seoul.
96
00:04:48,766 --> 00:04:51,116
I wish I was.
It's been so long
97
00:04:51,160 --> 00:04:53,118
since I've been
to Seoul to, uh...
98
00:04:53,162 --> 00:04:54,468
[clearing throat]
99
00:04:54,511 --> 00:04:55,947
...hardly know what
it's like anymore.
100
00:04:55,991 --> 00:04:57,732
-Right.
-[soldiers laughing]
101
00:05:04,434 --> 00:05:05,783
I want X-rays here--
102
00:05:05,827 --> 00:05:07,698
pelvis and lumbar area.
103
00:05:07,742 --> 00:05:09,570
All right, this guy can wait.
104
00:05:09,613 --> 00:05:11,528
Let me look at this
other man over here.
105
00:05:14,879 --> 00:05:15,967
Shoulder wounds.
106
00:05:16,011 --> 00:05:17,839
Uh... get some plasma.
107
00:05:17,882 --> 00:05:19,275
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
108
00:05:19,319 --> 00:05:21,408
Let me look at his chest.
109
00:05:23,279 --> 00:05:26,108
-B.J.!
-Coming, Mother.
110
00:05:26,151 --> 00:05:28,197
B.J., it's Radar!
111
00:05:30,025 --> 00:05:32,027
Oh, my God.
112
00:05:32,070 --> 00:05:33,855
What did I do to him?
113
00:05:33,898 --> 00:05:35,247
You didn't do anything to him.
114
00:05:35,291 --> 00:05:36,858
He was hit by mortar fire.
115
00:05:36,901 --> 00:05:38,468
Is his chest all right?
116
00:05:38,512 --> 00:05:39,687
I don't know. We'll have
to look around in there.
117
00:05:39,730 --> 00:05:40,992
Get him in there
and prep him.
118
00:05:41,036 --> 00:05:42,951
What a dumb, stupid thing.
119
00:05:42,994 --> 00:05:44,996
I sent him into the middle
of a war on a date.
120
00:05:45,040 --> 00:05:46,171
Come on, let's check
the rest of these guys.
121
00:05:46,215 --> 00:05:47,999
I could have killed him.
122
00:05:48,043 --> 00:05:51,002
What the hell was he doing
out there in a jeep anyway?
123
00:05:51,046 --> 00:05:53,004
What a waste.
124
00:05:53,048 --> 00:05:55,485
I'll go in and see
how bad it is as soon
as they get him to sleep.
125
00:05:55,529 --> 00:05:57,661
-I'm going to work on him.
-Why don't you let B.J. do it?
126
00:05:57,705 --> 00:05:58,836
You don't look
all that relaxed...
127
00:05:58,880 --> 00:05:59,968
I'm working on him.
128
00:06:01,578 --> 00:06:02,971
Okay, fine.
129
00:06:09,369 --> 00:06:12,154
Can I have it quiet?
I'm trying to operate?
130
00:06:12,197 --> 00:06:15,418
-Right, we're just
carving turkeys.
-Shut up, Charles.
131
00:06:15,462 --> 00:06:16,854
Are you gonna
keep us in suspense,
132
00:06:16,898 --> 00:06:18,595
or are you gonna
tell us how he's doing?
133
00:06:18,639 --> 00:06:20,423
It's not as bad as it looked.
134
00:06:20,467 --> 00:06:22,643
There's a lot of muscle damage,
but the vital organs are okay.
135
00:06:22,686 --> 00:06:24,819
So why, may I ask,
are we being treated
136
00:06:24,862 --> 00:06:26,821
to this inordinate demand
for silence?
137
00:06:26,864 --> 00:06:28,126
I'll explain it later,
Charles,
138
00:06:28,170 --> 00:06:29,389
while I'm sitting
on your chest
139
00:06:29,432 --> 00:06:30,520
so Hawkeye can beat you
with both fists.
140
00:06:30,564 --> 00:06:32,087
Criminy.
Will you guys cork it?
141
00:06:32,130 --> 00:06:34,176
We're up to our
ankles in wit.
142
00:06:34,219 --> 00:06:36,613
[loud yawn]
143
00:06:39,050 --> 00:06:42,097
Innkeeper, buy everybody
a drink. It's on me.
144
00:06:42,140 --> 00:06:44,186
There's no everybody
left, Hawk.
145
00:06:44,229 --> 00:06:46,754
My-- My swallower's
gone back to camp.
146
00:06:46,797 --> 00:06:48,756
Nothing but a fickle
camp swallower.
147
00:06:49,844 --> 00:06:51,411
-You did great.
-Yeah.
148
00:06:51,454 --> 00:06:52,890
No, really. You did great.
149
00:06:52,934 --> 00:06:55,980
He'll run like a new model
in a few weeks.
150
00:06:56,024 --> 00:06:57,504
I thought I killed him,
you know?
151
00:06:57,547 --> 00:06:58,896
I know.
152
00:06:58,940 --> 00:07:00,637
He's such a cute
little guy, you know?
153
00:07:00,681 --> 00:07:01,899
Yeah.
154
00:07:01,943 --> 00:07:05,337
You know that my hands
were shaking?
155
00:07:05,381 --> 00:07:07,122
I had butterflies.
156
00:07:07,165 --> 00:07:09,124
I've held people's
hearts in my hand,
157
00:07:09,167 --> 00:07:11,343
and with him I was nervous.
158
00:07:11,387 --> 00:07:12,780
Am I boring you?
159
00:07:12,823 --> 00:07:14,477
I've heard this
four times already.
160
00:07:14,521 --> 00:07:16,000
I know how it ends.
161
00:07:16,044 --> 00:07:18,307
How does it end? I wasn't
here for the early show.
162
00:07:18,350 --> 00:07:20,004
You start crying and sing
"Somewhere Over the Rainbow."
163
00:07:20,048 --> 00:07:21,658
Can we go home?
164
00:07:21,702 --> 00:07:24,313
♪ If funny little
bluebirds fly ♪
165
00:07:24,356 --> 00:07:26,968
♪ Away above
the sky so high ♪
166
00:07:27,011 --> 00:07:29,536
♪ Then why, oh, why
Oh, why, oh, why-- ♪
167
00:07:29,579 --> 00:07:31,407
-Will you shut him up?
-Sh-Shh.
168
00:07:31,451 --> 00:07:32,887
That's the third time
tonight
169
00:07:32,930 --> 00:07:34,279
he's awakened me with
that idiotic song!
170
00:07:34,323 --> 00:07:35,890
Oh, really? Oh, really?
171
00:07:35,933 --> 00:07:39,023
That happens to be
the national anthem of Iowa,
172
00:07:39,067 --> 00:07:41,156
from where comes
Judy Garland, the Tin Man,
173
00:07:41,199 --> 00:07:43,637
and Radar O'Reilly!
174
00:07:43,680 --> 00:07:44,855
I think you will find
that the characters
175
00:07:44,899 --> 00:07:46,770
lurching through
your febrile mind
176
00:07:46,814 --> 00:07:48,729
come from Kansas.
177
00:07:48,772 --> 00:07:49,991
Wake me up early.
178
00:07:50,034 --> 00:07:51,514
I want to check Radar
in post-op.
179
00:07:51,558 --> 00:07:53,211
I'll check Radar.
180
00:07:53,255 --> 00:07:55,387
You sleep it off.
Unclench your toe!
181
00:07:55,431 --> 00:07:57,520
And clench your mouth.
182
00:07:57,564 --> 00:08:00,871
Clench yours, you hairless
parsnip! Ha ha ha ha!
183
00:08:00,915 --> 00:08:02,960
MAN [on P.A.]:
Rise and shine, folks!
184
00:08:03,004 --> 00:08:04,919
Incoming on the helipad!
185
00:08:04,962 --> 00:08:07,443
All personnel,
grab your socks!
186
00:08:07,487 --> 00:08:09,576
I think we better
let him sleep.
187
00:08:09,619 --> 00:08:11,491
The man said
all personnel.
188
00:08:11,534 --> 00:08:13,493
Charles, he's only
been asleep for two hours.
189
00:08:13,536 --> 00:08:15,538
You know his body hasn't
had time to detoxify.
190
00:08:15,582 --> 00:08:17,758
His body should have
thought of that last night.
191
00:08:17,801 --> 00:08:19,673
Rise and shine,
blue brains.
192
00:08:19,716 --> 00:08:21,196
What? What?
193
00:08:21,239 --> 00:08:23,285
Surgery, Hawk.
194
00:08:23,328 --> 00:08:25,026
Good. Have my brain removed.
195
00:08:25,069 --> 00:08:27,507
Sleep. If things get rough,
I'll send for you.
196
00:08:27,550 --> 00:08:30,553
Oh, no. Colonel Potter's not
going to rush me in my work
197
00:08:30,597 --> 00:08:32,468
just so he can sleep off
a gallon of hooch.
198
00:08:32,512 --> 00:08:35,384
Don't yell!
[groans]
199
00:08:35,427 --> 00:08:36,733
Stay here and sleep, Hawk.
200
00:08:36,777 --> 00:08:38,256
I'll do my share.
201
00:08:38,300 --> 00:08:40,084
Is this my shoe?
202
00:08:40,128 --> 00:08:41,738
It's your pants.
203
00:08:41,782 --> 00:08:43,174
Good, where do they go?
204
00:08:43,218 --> 00:08:46,395
In your case,
over your head.
205
00:08:46,438 --> 00:08:48,397
Really, Charles, if that
weren't so amusing,
206
00:08:48,440 --> 00:08:50,442
one might laugh.
207
00:08:50,486 --> 00:08:52,401
-[groans]
-Not over here.
208
00:08:55,622 --> 00:08:58,276
Well, who's next?
I'm nearly finished.
209
00:08:58,320 --> 00:09:00,061
We're real proud
of you, speedy.
210
00:09:00,104 --> 00:09:01,497
Wipe.
211
00:09:01,541 --> 00:09:03,368
-B.J.: How's it going, Hawk?
-Huh?
212
00:09:03,412 --> 00:09:05,327
-How's it going?
-I can't talk, I'm operating.
213
00:09:05,370 --> 00:09:07,895
Oh, where is the badinage
of yesteryear?
214
00:09:07,938 --> 00:09:09,418
Shut your hole, Charles.
215
00:09:09,461 --> 00:09:10,941
What's eating him now?
216
00:09:10,985 --> 00:09:12,943
This breakfast session
caught us a little off guard.
217
00:09:12,987 --> 00:09:15,076
Aren't you over here
on the American plan?
218
00:09:15,119 --> 00:09:17,295
[chuckles]
Well said, Colonel.
219
00:09:17,339 --> 00:09:20,734
-Pertinent
and pithy persiflage.
-Oh, poo-poo-pa-doo.
220
00:09:22,518 --> 00:09:25,477
-Who's got free hands?
-What the matter?
221
00:09:25,521 --> 00:09:27,218
I need somebody
to suture this mesentery
222
00:09:27,262 --> 00:09:28,742
while I step outside
for a minute.
223
00:09:28,785 --> 00:09:31,614
Hold it in.
Stand on one foot,
like the rest of us.
224
00:09:31,658 --> 00:09:33,790
Look, I'm not kidding.
Charles, are you free?
225
00:09:33,834 --> 00:09:35,618
Yes, but I don't see why
this should come off my time.
226
00:09:35,662 --> 00:09:37,925
You know why
just as well as I do.
Have a little heart.
227
00:09:37,968 --> 00:09:39,970
Winchester, get your
persiflage over there.
228
00:09:40,014 --> 00:09:41,319
Pierce, go out
and come in again.
229
00:09:41,363 --> 00:09:42,886
Let's get on with this.
230
00:09:42,930 --> 00:09:45,541
If you'll excuse me,
ladies and gentlemen,
231
00:09:45,585 --> 00:09:49,763
with your very kind permission,
uh, I'm gonna, uh--
232
00:09:49,806 --> 00:09:52,113
What is it with him?
233
00:09:52,156 --> 00:09:54,637
We got home kind of late
last night.
234
00:09:54,681 --> 00:09:56,813
Well, kind of late
this morning.
235
00:09:56,857 --> 00:09:58,598
And you think he may
have poisoned himself
236
00:09:58,641 --> 00:10:00,425
on the hors d'oeuvres
at Rosie's bar.
237
00:10:00,469 --> 00:10:02,123
Well, that's just dandy.
238
00:10:02,166 --> 00:10:03,994
Colonel, you know nothing like
this has ever happened before.
239
00:10:04,038 --> 00:10:05,996
It better not
be happening now.
240
00:10:06,040 --> 00:10:07,650
Baker, tell Pierce to get
back here tout suite.
241
00:10:07,694 --> 00:10:09,652
He's a little indisposed
right now, Colonel.
242
00:10:09,696 --> 00:10:11,219
Indisposed?
243
00:10:11,262 --> 00:10:14,788
He's laying over
an oil drum throwing up.
244
00:10:14,831 --> 00:10:16,224
CHARLES:
Well, well, well.
245
00:10:16,267 --> 00:10:18,618
How the mighty have fallen.
246
00:10:18,661 --> 00:10:20,750
[Charles humming]
247
00:10:26,103 --> 00:10:27,714
Look, you can walk around
with your brains at half-mast
248
00:10:27,757 --> 00:10:29,716
24 hours a day
for all I care.
249
00:10:29,759 --> 00:10:31,587
But when that chopper
hits the pad,
250
00:10:31,631 --> 00:10:34,590
I expect you to be able to tie
a slipknot in a matchbox.
251
00:10:34,634 --> 00:10:36,287
[sighs]
252
00:10:36,331 --> 00:10:37,767
It's incomprehensible to me
253
00:10:37,811 --> 00:10:39,247
that a surgeon of your caliber
254
00:10:39,290 --> 00:10:41,423
would walk into an operating
room with a bag on.
255
00:10:44,382 --> 00:10:46,123
Okay,
let's hear some talk.
256
00:10:46,167 --> 00:10:48,691
-What's your explanation?
-I screwed up.
257
00:10:48,735 --> 00:10:51,999
-I presume
it won't happen again.
-That's right.
258
00:10:54,871 --> 00:10:58,092
Well, this little talk
has been terribly reassuring.
259
00:10:59,659 --> 00:11:01,530
God, I hate this place.
260
00:11:04,533 --> 00:11:07,710
You seemed to be enjoying it
well enough last night.
261
00:11:07,754 --> 00:11:10,800
I thought I was celebrating,
but it was really
drinking in anger.
262
00:11:10,844 --> 00:11:12,715
Every time I thought
of Radar lying on that table
263
00:11:12,759 --> 00:11:14,412
with his chest laid open
in front of me,
264
00:11:14,456 --> 00:11:19,156
I socked another shot
into my body
265
00:11:19,200 --> 00:11:21,942
because I didn't have
anyone else's body to sock.
266
00:11:21,985 --> 00:11:24,161
Have you seen him today?
He's doing great.
267
00:11:26,207 --> 00:11:29,210
I'll go in there when I can
screw a smile on my face.
268
00:11:29,253 --> 00:11:32,082
I'll lend you one of mine.
Got a drawer full them.
269
00:11:32,126 --> 00:11:34,650
So that's your secret.
270
00:11:38,132 --> 00:11:40,090
I can't tell you
what a jerk I feel like.
271
00:11:40,134 --> 00:11:41,918
Listen, anybody'd
feel like a jerk
272
00:11:41,962 --> 00:11:45,226
if they'd done what you did.
273
00:11:45,269 --> 00:11:46,749
Thanks.
That really perks me up.
274
00:11:46,793 --> 00:11:47,837
That's all right.
275
00:11:51,319 --> 00:11:52,407
Hiya, kid.
276
00:11:52,450 --> 00:11:54,148
Hey, Klinger.
277
00:11:54,191 --> 00:11:56,150
Gee, you look nice.
278
00:11:56,193 --> 00:11:58,152
Yeah, I don't get
to wear this suit much,
279
00:11:58,195 --> 00:12:01,329
and it took me hours
gettin' the darts out.
280
00:12:01,372 --> 00:12:03,200
Here, I brought you
some flowers.
281
00:12:03,244 --> 00:12:04,636
Oh...
282
00:12:04,680 --> 00:12:06,813
I didn't know cornflowers
was blooming yet.
283
00:12:06,856 --> 00:12:09,511
They're not. I got them off one
of my hats.
284
00:12:09,554 --> 00:12:11,731
Don't put them in water.
The color will run.
285
00:12:11,774 --> 00:12:14,168
Oh. Thanks a lot.
286
00:12:14,211 --> 00:12:15,125
Sure.
287
00:12:16,344 --> 00:12:18,085
So, listen,
what did they say?
288
00:12:18,128 --> 00:12:20,043
Is everything going to work
right and everything?
289
00:12:20,087 --> 00:12:24,178
Well, B.J. was by before,
and Major Winchester
290
00:12:24,221 --> 00:12:26,833
and they said I was
going to be all right.
291
00:12:26,876 --> 00:12:29,531
Has Hawkeye been around
to check you over yet?
292
00:12:29,574 --> 00:12:31,881
No, not yet.
293
00:12:31,925 --> 00:12:35,015
He's feeling a little
out of sorts.
294
00:12:35,058 --> 00:12:38,540
Yeah, so I hear.
295
00:12:38,583 --> 00:12:40,760
Well, well, well,
what have we here?
296
00:12:40,803 --> 00:12:42,370
Listen, I'll see you, okay?
297
00:12:42,413 --> 00:12:44,024
Right. Thanks a lot,
Klinger.
298
00:12:44,067 --> 00:12:45,765
Radar,
I told you a hundred times
299
00:12:45,808 --> 00:12:49,812
never go driving in Korea
without a steel parasol.
300
00:12:49,856 --> 00:12:51,683
You're going to be fine.
301
00:12:51,727 --> 00:12:53,598
I even put extra muscle
in your arms
302
00:12:53,642 --> 00:12:55,905
so you'll look good
at the beach.
303
00:12:55,949 --> 00:12:58,038
How long am I going
to be laid up, sir?
304
00:12:58,081 --> 00:13:01,302
"Sir"? Aren't we being
kind of formal?
305
00:13:01,345 --> 00:13:04,740
I mean, after all,
I did walk barefoot
through your pectorals.
306
00:13:04,784 --> 00:13:06,394
Can you do that?
307
00:13:06,437 --> 00:13:08,396
-Yeah.
-Oh, good.
308
00:13:08,439 --> 00:13:11,965
Hear you had to leave
the O.R. this morning.
309
00:13:12,008 --> 00:13:13,880
That's right, I did.
310
00:13:13,923 --> 00:13:16,230
Somebody said you had
to go outside to throw up.
311
00:13:16,273 --> 00:13:17,405
That's right.
312
00:13:17,448 --> 00:13:18,928
How come?
313
00:13:18,972 --> 00:13:21,844
Well, I've always wanted
to barf on Uijeongbu,
314
00:13:21,888 --> 00:13:23,150
and I just thought
the time was ripe.
315
00:13:23,193 --> 00:13:25,805
Wouldn't be anything else,
would it?
316
00:13:25,848 --> 00:13:27,415
No, unless it was the fact
317
00:13:27,458 --> 00:13:28,851
that most of my blood came
out of a Scotch bottle.
318
00:13:30,505 --> 00:13:32,855
I wouldn't know about that.
I'm not a doctor.
319
00:13:32,899 --> 00:13:35,510
But I am, so I'm not
allowed to be human,
is that it?
320
00:13:35,553 --> 00:13:37,599
You walked out on a patient,
321
00:13:37,642 --> 00:13:39,819
and Major Winchester
had to finish for you.
322
00:13:39,862 --> 00:13:42,647
So? I'd have done the same
for him if he was sick.
323
00:13:42,691 --> 00:13:44,519
Well, a lot of people
don't look at it
324
00:13:44,562 --> 00:13:46,651
like you were sick, Hawkeye.
325
00:13:46,695 --> 00:13:49,132
A lot of people look up
to you here.
326
00:13:49,176 --> 00:13:51,265
They admire you,
and they kind of feel
327
00:13:51,308 --> 00:13:53,528
like they want to be like you.
328
00:13:53,571 --> 00:13:57,445
And, gee, when you walk out
on an operation,
329
00:13:57,488 --> 00:13:59,229
they kind of feel like
you let them down.
330
00:13:59,273 --> 00:14:02,842
If they can't depend on you,
well, they figure, well...
331
00:14:02,885 --> 00:14:05,714
maybe there's no point
in depending on anything.
332
00:14:07,324 --> 00:14:09,370
Look, you can't lay all that
on my shoulders.
333
00:14:12,329 --> 00:14:15,202
Don't you know how much
this place stinks?
334
00:14:15,245 --> 00:14:16,594
Don't you know
what it's like
335
00:14:16,638 --> 00:14:19,293
to stand day after day
in blood?
336
00:14:19,336 --> 00:14:21,121
In the blood of children?
337
00:14:25,429 --> 00:14:27,257
I hate this place.
338
00:14:27,301 --> 00:14:29,303
If I can't stand up to it
to your satisfaction,
339
00:14:29,346 --> 00:14:32,132
then-- then the hell
with it.
340
00:14:32,175 --> 00:14:34,482
How dare you!
341
00:14:34,525 --> 00:14:36,658
The hell with
your Iowan naiveté,
342
00:14:36,701 --> 00:14:38,573
your hero worship,
and your teddy bear.
343
00:14:38,616 --> 00:14:40,357
And while you're at it,
the hell with you!
344
00:14:40,401 --> 00:14:43,273
Why don't you grow up,
for crying out loud?
345
00:14:43,317 --> 00:14:44,927
I'm not here
for you to admire.
346
00:14:44,971 --> 00:14:47,669
I'm here to pull bodies
out of a sausage grinder,
347
00:14:47,712 --> 00:14:50,367
if possible, without
going crazy. Period.
348
00:14:51,716 --> 00:14:53,631
Come on, cut it out.
349
00:14:54,981 --> 00:14:57,984
Stop it, will you?
350
00:14:58,027 --> 00:14:59,028
You ninny!
351
00:15:00,508 --> 00:15:01,988
I don't know
how it happened.
352
00:15:02,031 --> 00:15:03,511
One minute we're talking,
353
00:15:03,554 --> 00:15:04,947
and the next minute,
I'm standing there
354
00:15:04,991 --> 00:15:06,557
watching this crazy man
scream at Radar.
355
00:15:06,601 --> 00:15:08,385
What don't you go back
and talk to him again?
356
00:15:08,429 --> 00:15:10,387
I don't think
I can face him again.
357
00:15:10,431 --> 00:15:12,302
I can't believe I did it!
358
00:15:12,346 --> 00:15:13,913
-[knocking]
-Hello?
359
00:15:13,956 --> 00:15:15,131
Come in, Father.
360
00:15:18,004 --> 00:15:21,529
I wonder if I might,
uh, uh...
361
00:15:21,572 --> 00:15:23,009
Have a seat, Father.
362
00:15:23,052 --> 00:15:25,968
I just left Radar.
363
00:15:26,012 --> 00:15:29,015
Now, Hawkeye,
please accept this
364
00:15:29,058 --> 00:15:30,886
in the spirit intended.
365
00:15:30,930 --> 00:15:32,844
You're under
enormous pressure here,
366
00:15:32,888 --> 00:15:36,022
and I just want to know
one little thing.
367
00:15:36,065 --> 00:15:38,067
Have you lost your mind?
368
00:15:38,111 --> 00:15:39,895
Father, you don't know
how sorry I am.
369
00:15:39,939 --> 00:15:43,072
I mean, that boy is lying
there in a hospital bed
370
00:15:43,116 --> 00:15:44,813
with tubes sticking
out of his body
371
00:15:44,856 --> 00:15:47,163
and you--
you call him a ninny?
372
00:15:47,207 --> 00:15:49,426
-Father...
-I'm incensed!
373
00:15:49,470 --> 00:15:51,037
I am outraged!
374
00:15:51,080 --> 00:15:54,214
Where's your decency, man,
your humanity?
375
00:15:54,257 --> 00:15:57,260
-I am acrimonious!
-Father...
376
00:15:57,304 --> 00:16:00,829
I'm not a man given to physical
demonstrations of emotion,
377
00:16:00,872 --> 00:16:04,224
but let me tell you,
I am persuaded to violence!
378
00:16:04,267 --> 00:16:06,313
-Go ahead, Father.
-Why, I think I will!
379
00:16:10,447 --> 00:16:12,014
I'm glad you let it out,
Father.
380
00:16:12,058 --> 00:16:14,408
Well, as a matter of fact,
381
00:16:14,451 --> 00:16:17,063
I found it particularly
unsatisfying.
382
00:16:17,106 --> 00:16:18,760
And if you want
to know the truth,
383
00:16:18,803 --> 00:16:21,981
it's entirely possible
I've broken my toe!
384
00:16:24,113 --> 00:16:26,246
Gee, you have a marvelous
effect on people.
385
00:16:26,289 --> 00:16:28,770
What the hell's the matter
with you? Are you nuts?
386
00:16:28,813 --> 00:16:30,467
-I think I must be, yes.
-I think you are.
387
00:16:30,511 --> 00:16:32,600
I no sooner give you
a lecture on one patient
388
00:16:32,643 --> 00:16:35,081
then you go in and try
to destroy another!
389
00:16:35,124 --> 00:16:37,387
Maybe we should aim you
at the Chinese!
390
00:16:37,431 --> 00:16:39,781
-I'd like to talk to you!
-This oughta be good.
391
00:16:39,824 --> 00:16:42,218
-What is the matter with you?
-Just a minute, Major.
392
00:16:42,262 --> 00:16:43,741
I have something to say
on that subject--
393
00:16:43,785 --> 00:16:45,265
Just hang on!
You'll get your turn!
394
00:16:45,308 --> 00:16:47,832
I'll get my turn?
I'm the commanding officer!
395
00:16:47,876 --> 00:16:49,443
I beg your pardon, Colonel.
Please, go right ahead.
396
00:16:49,486 --> 00:16:53,055
Thank you. Your behavior
is incomprehensible again!
397
00:16:53,099 --> 00:16:55,449
You have a boy there
fresh out of the cornfield
398
00:16:55,492 --> 00:16:57,494
who is highly vulnerable
and impressionable,
399
00:16:57,538 --> 00:16:59,801
not to mention the fact
that he worships you.
400
00:16:59,844 --> 00:17:01,977
Although why, I can't see!
401
00:17:02,021 --> 00:17:03,674
And you make this kid
the target
402
00:17:03,718 --> 00:17:05,937
of the most bellicose
barrelful of Bull Durham
403
00:17:05,981 --> 00:17:07,635
anybody's
ever heard you utter!
404
00:17:07,678 --> 00:17:09,637
And I, for one,
have heard you utter plenty!
405
00:17:09,680 --> 00:17:12,292
If you don't mind,
I rehearsed this as a single.
406
00:17:12,335 --> 00:17:14,424
And you're doing fine.
Really.
407
00:17:14,468 --> 00:17:16,035
Gee, Major,
I appreciate that.
408
00:17:16,078 --> 00:17:17,775
Now will you clam up?
409
00:17:17,819 --> 00:17:19,386
This boy's been told
410
00:17:19,429 --> 00:17:21,127
he's nothing more than
a pimple on a flea
411
00:17:21,170 --> 00:17:23,085
by the man whose
opinion he values
412
00:17:23,129 --> 00:17:24,739
more than anyone
in the world!
413
00:17:24,782 --> 00:17:26,262
And I think you damn well
414
00:17:26,306 --> 00:17:27,916
better do something
about it!
415
00:17:27,959 --> 00:17:30,310
-Now what do you think?
-I think you're right.
416
00:17:30,353 --> 00:17:31,702
Who...
417
00:17:33,530 --> 00:17:36,142
I never got to say anything!
418
00:17:39,710 --> 00:17:42,322
-How's Radar doing?
-He's doing fine.
419
00:17:42,365 --> 00:17:45,412
You're not going to talk
to him again, are you?
420
00:17:45,455 --> 00:17:47,153
I just want to sit
with him for a minute.
421
00:17:47,196 --> 00:17:48,371
I feel awful.
422
00:17:48,415 --> 00:17:49,590
He's so fragile, you know?
423
00:17:51,592 --> 00:17:53,724
Radar, I'd like to apologize.
424
00:17:54,812 --> 00:17:55,857
Oh, yeah?
425
00:17:55,900 --> 00:17:57,337
Well, you can just forget it.
426
00:17:57,380 --> 00:18:00,079
Just forget it!
Hell with me, huh?
427
00:18:00,122 --> 00:18:02,385
The hell with you!
How about that?
428
00:18:02,429 --> 00:18:04,822
And another thing.
I wanna tell you something.
429
00:18:04,866 --> 00:18:07,216
Anybody says
anything about Iowa
430
00:18:07,260 --> 00:18:10,001
better be prepared
to back it up, pal.
431
00:18:10,045 --> 00:18:11,829
I'll give you a fistful
of Iowan naiveté
432
00:18:11,873 --> 00:18:13,004
that's right in the puss!
433
00:18:13,048 --> 00:18:15,137
-How about that?
-No, let him go.
434
00:18:15,181 --> 00:18:17,487
You know, I don't need you
to tell me what's what.
435
00:18:17,531 --> 00:18:19,489
I know what's what
just as well as you do.
436
00:18:19,533 --> 00:18:21,752
So why don't you just crawl
back in your bottle of booze
437
00:18:21,796 --> 00:18:24,233
and pickle yourself?
[chuckles]
438
00:18:30,500 --> 00:18:32,023
[whistling]
439
00:18:32,067 --> 00:18:35,157
Well, sitting with
all your friends, I see.
440
00:18:35,201 --> 00:18:36,637
Gee, Charles,
you were the one person
441
00:18:36,680 --> 00:18:38,552
I was counting on
for a little compassion.
442
00:18:38,595 --> 00:18:40,075
This may come
as a surprise to you,
443
00:18:40,119 --> 00:18:41,468
but I really do
feel for you.
444
00:18:41,511 --> 00:18:43,644
-Yeah?
-My, yes, I certainly do.
445
00:18:43,687 --> 00:18:46,081
A very painful episode
446
00:18:46,125 --> 00:18:48,997
for a surgeon of your
expertise to endure.
447
00:18:49,040 --> 00:18:50,346
Actually, you know,
448
00:18:50,390 --> 00:18:52,305
I had a similar experience
once myself.
449
00:18:52,348 --> 00:18:56,744
A little, uh,
peccadillo backfired.
450
00:18:56,787 --> 00:18:58,485
Nearly got me
thrown out of school.
451
00:19:00,530 --> 00:19:01,923
Of course,
I was 14 at the time.
452
00:19:01,966 --> 00:19:03,577
I wasn't a grown man
like you are.
453
00:19:06,406 --> 00:19:10,236
Doctor, do try to learn
a little self-discipline.
454
00:19:10,279 --> 00:19:12,629
I'm working on it
right now.
455
00:19:12,673 --> 00:19:13,587
Oh.
456
00:19:16,720 --> 00:19:18,374
How's everything going here?
457
00:19:18,418 --> 00:19:20,811
Oh, sir, I was just
thinking about you.
458
00:19:20,855 --> 00:19:22,813
Uh, I was going over
the duty roster in my head,
459
00:19:22,857 --> 00:19:25,251
and I think if I had some paper,
I could get it out for you.
460
00:19:25,294 --> 00:19:28,428
Oh, that's okay, Radar.
Rest your roster.
461
00:19:28,471 --> 00:19:31,213
Klinger will work on it.
462
00:19:31,257 --> 00:19:33,781
I understand you and Hawkeye
had a little to-do.
463
00:19:33,824 --> 00:19:35,652
Yes, sir.
464
00:19:35,696 --> 00:19:38,351
He's very fond of you,
Radar.
465
00:19:38,394 --> 00:19:40,309
Oh, really, sir?
466
00:19:40,353 --> 00:19:43,704
You know, they say
time heals all wounds.
467
00:19:43,747 --> 00:19:45,532
It's true.
468
00:19:45,575 --> 00:19:47,316
Look, next week when you're
up and walking around,
469
00:19:47,360 --> 00:19:49,318
you many run into Hawkeye.
470
00:19:49,362 --> 00:19:51,625
And you'll probably
start talking about
the weather
471
00:19:51,668 --> 00:19:54,584
or the food or something,
and before you know it,
472
00:19:54,628 --> 00:19:56,325
you might realize
he's the same guy
473
00:19:56,369 --> 00:19:58,066
you always liked
when you looked up to him.
474
00:19:58,109 --> 00:20:00,634
In fact, you might
even like him better,
475
00:20:00,677 --> 00:20:03,506
now that you can see him
more... eye-to-eye,
476
00:20:03,550 --> 00:20:04,942
if you know what I mean.
477
00:20:04,986 --> 00:20:07,510
Oh, I know what
you're trying to say, sir.
478
00:20:07,554 --> 00:20:09,208
Well, good.
479
00:20:09,251 --> 00:20:11,427
We'll see.
480
00:20:27,313 --> 00:20:30,751
Hawkeye!
Long time no see, no?
481
00:20:30,794 --> 00:20:33,057
Yeah. I've been staying away
from the firewater, Rosie.
482
00:20:33,101 --> 00:20:35,103
-You got trouble
with your liver?
-No.
483
00:20:37,758 --> 00:20:38,846
Hi, Rosie.
484
00:20:40,108 --> 00:20:41,936
Hi, Radar!
485
00:20:41,979 --> 00:20:43,459
-Sit.
-Okay, thanks.
486
00:20:45,200 --> 00:20:48,595
-Grape Nehi?
-Uh, yeah, I guess so.
487
00:20:48,638 --> 00:20:51,772
-Uh, Hawkeye?
-Uh, beer, I guess, Rosie.
488
00:20:51,815 --> 00:20:52,903
Okay.
489
00:21:02,173 --> 00:21:03,914
Hi, sailor.
You come here often?
490
00:21:06,830 --> 00:21:08,615
-Oh, hi.
-Hmm.
491
00:21:12,401 --> 00:21:14,882
Sure is some stretch
of warm weather we're having.
492
00:21:16,884 --> 00:21:19,974
Yeah, it really has been warm.
493
00:21:20,017 --> 00:21:24,500
It's been, uh, very warm.
494
00:21:25,893 --> 00:21:26,937
Yeah.
495
00:21:31,855 --> 00:21:34,467
Did you try that breakfast
this morning?
496
00:21:34,510 --> 00:21:36,295
The sausages were ice-cold.
497
00:21:36,338 --> 00:21:37,992
Yeah, I heard about that.
498
00:21:38,035 --> 00:21:40,386
I usually give them a sniff,
you know, but, uh...
499
00:21:40,429 --> 00:21:43,780
I heard they were really cold.
500
00:21:43,824 --> 00:21:46,217
-Yeah, they were really--
-Cold.
501
00:21:46,261 --> 00:21:47,784
-Oh, yeah.
-Yeah.
502
00:21:51,658 --> 00:21:53,573
Sure is some stretch
of weather.
503
00:21:54,704 --> 00:21:55,923
Warm.
504
00:21:55,966 --> 00:21:57,098
Yeah.
505
00:21:58,708 --> 00:22:00,144
[sighs]
Oy!
506
00:22:04,018 --> 00:22:06,412
Look, I'd like to say
I'm sorry.
507
00:22:06,455 --> 00:22:08,892
This whole thing probably
never would have happened
508
00:22:08,936 --> 00:22:11,765
if I wasn't so guilty
about getting you wounded
in the first place.
509
00:22:11,808 --> 00:22:13,462
Well, gee,
that wasn't your fault.
510
00:22:14,855 --> 00:22:16,247
And if you really
have to worship
511
00:22:16,291 --> 00:22:17,466
the ground I walk on,
512
00:22:17,510 --> 00:22:18,815
I guess I can take it.
513
00:22:21,078 --> 00:22:22,210
Well, that's okay.
514
00:22:22,253 --> 00:22:25,169
Um, I'd just soon not.
515
00:22:26,867 --> 00:22:30,305
Oh, okay.
That's nice too.
516
00:22:30,349 --> 00:22:31,959
One grape Nehi.
517
00:22:33,656 --> 00:22:34,918
One beer.
518
00:22:52,458 --> 00:22:54,024
[whistling]
519
00:22:54,068 --> 00:22:55,939
Hey, Radar, it's not
your birthday, is it?
520
00:22:55,983 --> 00:22:57,071
No. Why?
521
00:22:57,114 --> 00:22:58,464
You just got
some costume jewelry
522
00:22:58,507 --> 00:22:59,856
from President Truman.
523
00:22:59,900 --> 00:23:01,641
-I think he's sweet on you.
-Huh?
524
00:23:01,684 --> 00:23:02,859
Okay if I nail that on?
525
00:23:02,903 --> 00:23:05,035
Hey!
That's a Purple Heart!
526
00:23:05,079 --> 00:23:07,473
Oh, good. I hate it
when presidents get fresh.
527
00:23:07,516 --> 00:23:11,433
Wow! A citation. Wonder
what my mom's gonna say.
528
00:23:11,477 --> 00:23:14,044
She'll probably say
her boy has changed
over here.
529
00:23:14,088 --> 00:23:15,872
And she'll be right.
530
00:23:15,916 --> 00:23:17,483
Yeah, I guess so.
531
00:23:17,526 --> 00:23:19,049
You still going
to talk to us,
532
00:23:19,093 --> 00:23:20,399
now that you're a hero
and everything?
533
00:23:20,442 --> 00:23:22,836
Oh, sure, I still talk
to ordinary people.
534
00:23:22,879 --> 00:23:24,185
Radar, I'm going
to do something now
535
00:23:24,228 --> 00:23:26,970
I've hardly ever
done before.
536
00:23:27,014 --> 00:23:28,842
You're not going to
kiss me, are you?
537
00:23:36,415 --> 00:23:37,677
Thank you, sir.
538
00:23:37,720 --> 00:23:39,461
Don't get hurt again,
will you?
539
00:23:39,505 --> 00:23:40,897
That's probably
what my mom will say.
540
00:23:53,823 --> 00:23:55,303
♪♪ [theme]
39822
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