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1
00:00:01,610 --> 00:00:06,267
[theme music playing
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Did I ever tell you, you lookcute with your shirt off?
3
00:00:56,491 --> 00:00:58,797
-No.
-I think I know why.
4
00:00:58,797 --> 00:01:00,756
Now you made me lose count.I gotta start all over again.
5
00:01:00,756 --> 00:01:02,105
-Hup!
-Sleep! I wanna sleep!
6
00:01:02,105 --> 00:01:03,715
Hoo-ha.
7
00:01:03,715 --> 00:01:05,891
Will you hold it down?
This is very distracting.
8
00:01:05,891 --> 00:01:07,632
-Mail call, sirs.
-Hup-ha! Hoo-ha!
9
00:01:07,632 --> 00:01:09,808
Keep away from him.He'll start all over again.
10
00:01:09,808 --> 00:01:11,201
Captain B.J. Hunnicutt.
11
00:01:11,201 --> 00:01:12,724
Something in a plain,
brown envelope.
12
00:01:12,724 --> 00:01:14,161
[chuckles]
13
00:01:14,161 --> 00:01:15,771
They oughta disguise
those things more.
14
00:01:15,771 --> 00:01:17,207
It's the"Surgical Journal," Radar.
15
00:01:17,207 --> 00:01:18,556
Oh, yeah?
16
00:01:18,556 --> 00:01:20,167
I seen one
of those once.
17
00:01:20,167 --> 00:01:22,821
I'd rather look at
the outsides of people.
18
00:01:22,821 --> 00:01:24,823
Hey, Hawkeye, you got
your newspaper from home.
19
00:01:24,823 --> 00:01:26,477
Get away from me
with that thing.
20
00:01:26,477 --> 00:01:27,957
That's the
"Crabapple Cove Courier."
21
00:01:27,957 --> 00:01:29,872
-You love that.
-I used to love it.
22
00:01:29,872 --> 00:01:32,048
Same stupid news,
week after week.
23
00:01:32,048 --> 00:01:33,745
Where's this
month's journal
24
00:01:33,745 --> 00:01:35,747
from the Institute
for Applied Nudism?
25
00:01:35,747 --> 00:01:37,793
Wanna read Major Burns'sissue of "Popular Mechanics?"
26
00:01:37,793 --> 00:01:39,708
Sometimes the ads
go pretty far.
27
00:01:39,708 --> 00:01:41,666
Radar, a picture ofa three-way toilet valve
28
00:01:41,666 --> 00:01:43,407
does not go pretty far.
29
00:01:43,407 --> 00:01:45,931
I just deliver 'em.
I don't make 'em up.
30
00:01:45,931 --> 00:01:48,064
Look at this:"How to provide agastric reservoir
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00:01:48,064 --> 00:01:49,805
"in a total resectionof the stomach."
32
00:01:49,805 --> 00:01:51,372
Look, if you can't read
without moving your lips,
33
00:01:51,372 --> 00:01:53,025
at least turn
the sound off.
34
00:01:53,025 --> 00:01:54,810
-What's eating you?
-My back is eating me.
35
00:01:54,810 --> 00:01:56,812
-Still?
-I have a hungry back.
36
00:01:56,812 --> 00:01:58,640
You want a massage?
37
00:01:58,640 --> 00:02:00,424
Not unless you put
your shirt on.
38
00:02:00,424 --> 00:02:01,904
How about if I x-rayyour back later?
39
00:02:01,904 --> 00:02:03,427
I did already.
There's nothing there.
40
00:02:03,427 --> 00:02:05,647
Nothing?No spine, nothing?
41
00:02:05,647 --> 00:02:07,910
The pain goes clear
through to my lung.
42
00:02:07,910 --> 00:02:09,999
I thought maybe
I had a spot.
43
00:02:09,999 --> 00:02:11,566
Or a Fido or a Rover.
44
00:02:11,566 --> 00:02:13,437
-Oh, you're really cute.-[chuckles]
45
00:02:13,437 --> 00:02:15,700
If I die from this,
will you read the joke
at my grave?
46
00:02:15,700 --> 00:02:17,615
You know,I'd really dig that.
47
00:02:17,615 --> 00:02:19,095
[chuckles]
48
00:02:19,095 --> 00:02:21,924
Criminy! I'd rather read
the stupid newspaper.
49
00:02:21,924 --> 00:02:24,622
I can tell you right nowwhat's gonna be in there.
50
00:02:24,622 --> 00:02:28,104
Another article about
incredibly average
Vernon Parsons.
51
00:02:28,104 --> 00:02:29,410
B.J.:Who's that?
52
00:02:29,410 --> 00:02:31,977
Some dunce I wentthrough med school with.
53
00:02:31,977 --> 00:02:34,371
Every week,
he's in the newspaper.
54
00:02:34,371 --> 00:02:36,068
He's being put in
charge of this.
55
00:02:36,068 --> 00:02:37,940
-He's being promoted to that.-So what?
56
00:02:37,940 --> 00:02:39,768
He's incredibly average.
57
00:02:39,768 --> 00:02:41,596
The only reason he
gets all this stuff
58
00:02:41,596 --> 00:02:43,598
is he's back there
with no competition.
59
00:02:43,598 --> 00:02:44,947
He's sitting back there,resting on his fallen arches,
60
00:02:44,947 --> 00:02:46,688
and I'm over here
dancing with rats.
61
00:02:46,688 --> 00:02:48,646
You'll live probably.
62
00:02:48,646 --> 00:02:50,257
Listen to this.
63
00:02:50,257 --> 00:02:53,042
"Transposition of theileum in ascending colon."
64
00:02:53,042 --> 00:02:54,435
What an idiot
that guy was.
65
00:02:54,435 --> 00:02:55,784
This is by the same
guy who advocated
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00:02:55,784 --> 00:02:57,264
total gastrectomy
in '49.
67
00:02:57,264 --> 00:02:59,266
I read that.
Fascinating.
68
00:02:59,266 --> 00:03:01,137
Vernon must have
his own press agent.
69
00:03:01,137 --> 00:03:02,443
I can't pick up
my hometown newspaper
70
00:03:02,443 --> 00:03:04,227
without reading
his name.
71
00:03:04,227 --> 00:03:07,622
Damn it!
There he is again!
72
00:03:07,622 --> 00:03:09,450
"Dr. Vernon Parsons
has been awarded
73
00:03:09,450 --> 00:03:12,148
"a $100,000 grant
at Boston Hospital
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00:03:12,148 --> 00:03:15,891
for a two-year study ofinfectious disease in mice."
75
00:03:17,632 --> 00:03:19,199
They oughta give
him the disease
76
00:03:19,199 --> 00:03:21,723
and split the dough
with the mice.
77
00:03:21,723 --> 00:03:24,987
Don't they realize how
incredibly average
this man is?
78
00:03:24,987 --> 00:03:26,771
I'm going to breakfast.
79
00:03:26,771 --> 00:03:29,731
-[groans loudly]
-Worse, huh?
80
00:03:29,731 --> 00:03:31,646
Do you see a knife handlesticking out of my back?
81
00:03:31,646 --> 00:03:33,561
-Look, I hate to give advice.-Good.
82
00:03:33,561 --> 00:03:35,345
You never exercise.
83
00:03:35,345 --> 00:03:37,086
I wrestle periodically
with the nurses.
84
00:03:37,086 --> 00:03:38,957
If you'd just do somethingphysical once in a while,
85
00:03:38,957 --> 00:03:41,177
you'd feel better.
86
00:03:41,177 --> 00:03:43,701
You're right.
I feel a lot better.
87
00:03:43,701 --> 00:03:46,051
Father, you feeling a bitunder the weather today?
88
00:03:46,051 --> 00:03:47,749
I have been
dragging a bit.
89
00:03:47,749 --> 00:03:49,098
Not eating, I see.
90
00:03:49,098 --> 00:03:50,578
Food seems to have
lost its allure.
91
00:03:50,578 --> 00:03:52,014
Can I eat yoursausage, Father?
92
00:03:52,014 --> 00:03:53,842
By all means, Radar.
93
00:03:53,842 --> 00:03:55,800
They're really good today.Extra grease.
94
00:03:55,800 --> 00:03:57,672
If you'll pardon
the indelicacy, Father,
95
00:03:57,672 --> 00:03:59,369
and with all due
respect to your collar,
96
00:03:59,369 --> 00:04:01,197
why don't you stop
by the dispensary
97
00:04:01,197 --> 00:04:02,416
and get a good
flushing out?
98
00:04:02,416 --> 00:04:03,939
[sighs]
99
00:04:03,939 --> 00:04:05,767
We got here too late
for the hard-boiled eggs.
100
00:04:05,767 --> 00:04:07,508
All they have is
scrambled socks.
101
00:04:07,508 --> 00:04:09,292
You should've
been in the army
102
00:04:09,292 --> 00:04:11,120
before they taught chickensto lay powdered eggs.
103
00:04:11,120 --> 00:04:14,079
World War I,I ate turnips for breakfast
104
00:04:14,079 --> 00:04:15,733
every day for a month.
105
00:04:15,733 --> 00:04:18,258
My tongue smelled likeArthur Murray's footbath.
106
00:04:18,258 --> 00:04:20,129
-You feeling all right, Father?-Why do you ask?
107
00:04:20,129 --> 00:04:22,131
B.J.:
You keep pulling
at your fingers.
108
00:04:22,131 --> 00:04:24,046
Are they too close
to your hands?
109
00:04:24,046 --> 00:04:26,875
Oh, I seem to be a littlearthritic this morning.
110
00:04:26,875 --> 00:04:28,442
Off his feed too.
111
00:04:28,442 --> 00:04:30,008
You gonna finishyour coffee, Father?
112
00:04:30,008 --> 00:04:32,620
No, no.
Go right ahead, Radar.
113
00:04:32,620 --> 00:04:34,535
Let me see your eyes, Father.
114
00:04:37,102 --> 00:04:39,104
What do you think, Colonel?How's his sclera?
115
00:04:39,104 --> 00:04:40,628
Slightly icteric.
116
00:04:40,628 --> 00:04:43,413
Let's see underneath
your tongue, Father.
117
00:04:43,413 --> 00:04:45,807
That tongue's as yellow asthe streak down my back.
118
00:04:45,807 --> 00:04:48,418
-Don't touch that
coffee, Radar.
-Why?
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00:04:48,418 --> 00:04:49,680
Because the
"Swiss Family Hepatitis"
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00:04:49,680 --> 00:04:51,073
is swimming around
in there.
121
00:04:51,073 --> 00:04:53,162
Oh, gee!
122
00:04:53,162 --> 00:04:55,295
Ooh, ick!I ate his sausage.
123
00:04:55,295 --> 00:04:56,818
Well, I didn't
touch them, Radar.
124
00:04:56,818 --> 00:04:58,820
I know, Father.
But it was yours.
125
00:04:58,820 --> 00:05:00,648
I mean, no offense,
but, wow.
126
00:05:00,648 --> 00:05:02,040
Ooh, ick!
127
00:05:02,040 --> 00:05:03,607
Let's nip this
in the bud.
128
00:05:03,607 --> 00:05:05,000
I don't want to livethrough another outbreak
129
00:05:05,000 --> 00:05:06,610
of camp jaundice.
130
00:05:06,610 --> 00:05:08,220
B.J., give Father Mulcahya blood test.
131
00:05:08,220 --> 00:05:09,657
Hawkeye, examine
the staff.
132
00:05:09,657 --> 00:05:11,311
Give 'em a shot
of gamma globulin.
133
00:05:11,311 --> 00:05:12,964
Radar, check
the latrine area.
134
00:05:12,964 --> 00:05:14,270
See if the water
supply's polluted.
135
00:05:14,270 --> 00:05:16,098
I'll talk to the cook.
136
00:05:16,098 --> 00:05:17,621
Let's get busy.
137
00:05:17,621 --> 00:05:19,580
Come on, Father.
138
00:05:31,505 --> 00:05:33,028
It was just laying
out there in the open.
139
00:05:33,028 --> 00:05:34,464
I wasn't going through
your private papers.
140
00:05:34,464 --> 00:05:36,031
Relax, Frank, I justwanna see your body.
141
00:05:36,031 --> 00:05:37,772
Oh, don't be such
a rude Rodney.
142
00:05:37,772 --> 00:05:39,426
Frank, there's hepatitisgoing around.
143
00:05:39,426 --> 00:05:40,905
-Hepatitis?
-Yeah.
144
00:05:40,905 --> 00:05:42,516
-Let me see your eyes.
-Are they yellow?
145
00:05:42,516 --> 00:05:44,256
How's my liver?
Is it tender?
146
00:05:44,256 --> 00:05:45,345
How should I know?It's your liver.
147
00:05:45,345 --> 00:05:47,042
Well, feel it!
148
00:05:47,042 --> 00:05:50,306
-How does that feel?
-[laughs] Tickles.
149
00:05:50,306 --> 00:05:52,264
Frank, try tocontrol yourself.
150
00:05:52,264 --> 00:05:54,615
Well, something's
wrong with me.
151
00:05:54,615 --> 00:05:56,704
Yeah? Ever sinceMargaret got engaged?
152
00:05:56,704 --> 00:05:58,619
No! Since I've been getting
shortness of breath
153
00:05:58,619 --> 00:06:00,272
and heart palpitations.
154
00:06:00,272 --> 00:06:01,926
Feel my chest.
155
00:06:01,926 --> 00:06:03,232
Not tonight, darling.I have a headache.
156
00:06:03,232 --> 00:06:04,755
I have a lump here
under the sternum,
157
00:06:04,755 --> 00:06:06,148
and that's not
supposed to be there.
158
00:06:06,148 --> 00:06:08,324
-Is it?
-Frank, go like this.
159
00:06:08,324 --> 00:06:10,239
Feels like a marble.
160
00:06:10,239 --> 00:06:12,981
Not like an aggie,
more like an immie.
161
00:06:12,981 --> 00:06:15,375
Look, I haven't gottime to feel in yourchest for marbles.
162
00:06:15,375 --> 00:06:16,593
Just let me getsome blood.
163
00:06:16,593 --> 00:06:17,638
I'll give you a shotin the behind,
164
00:06:17,638 --> 00:06:19,030
and I'llget out of here.
165
00:06:19,030 --> 00:06:21,772
[whimpers]
166
00:06:21,772 --> 00:06:24,079
-Look, while you're here?-Mm-hmm, mm-hmm?
167
00:06:24,079 --> 00:06:25,820
Will you check my arms?
168
00:06:25,820 --> 00:06:28,475
I think my arms
are getting longer.
169
00:06:28,475 --> 00:06:30,259
Take two bananas andcall me in the morning.
170
00:06:30,259 --> 00:06:32,740
-Feel under my armpit.
-Not for five bucks.
171
00:06:32,740 --> 00:06:34,263
I've got swollen nodes,
172
00:06:34,263 --> 00:06:35,743
and they're getting
bigger and bigger.
173
00:06:35,743 --> 00:06:37,005
You know, I saw thatin a movie once?
174
00:06:37,005 --> 00:06:38,441
-Oh, yeah?
-Yeah.
175
00:06:38,441 --> 00:06:39,964
This guy's nodesgot so big, eventually,
176
00:06:39,964 --> 00:06:41,749
they took overMinneapolis.
177
00:06:41,749 --> 00:06:44,316
And you call
yourself a doctor.
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00:06:44,316 --> 00:06:46,362
Frank, will you,for cripes' sake,
179
00:06:46,362 --> 00:06:49,321
drop your driveling,your hypochondria,
180
00:06:49,321 --> 00:06:52,324
and your pants,in that order.
181
00:06:52,324 --> 00:06:54,457
Oh, you're not
such hot stuff.
182
00:06:54,457 --> 00:06:56,851
I just read about someone
from your hometown.
183
00:06:56,851 --> 00:06:59,506
He got a $100,000 grant
from Boston Hospital
184
00:06:59,506 --> 00:07:01,769
for playing with mice.
185
00:07:01,769 --> 00:07:04,293
Don't taunt me, Frank.I'm holding a sharp object.
186
00:07:04,293 --> 00:07:05,729
A hundred thousand
smackers.
187
00:07:05,729 --> 00:07:08,950
That's probably
1,000 bucks a mouse.
188
00:07:08,950 --> 00:07:10,821
Ow!
Ouch, that hurts!
189
00:07:10,821 --> 00:07:12,780
Take it out! It hurts!
Take it out!
190
00:07:12,780 --> 00:07:14,172
I already tookit out, Frank.
191
00:07:14,172 --> 00:07:15,870
Feels like you left
a rock in there.
192
00:07:15,870 --> 00:07:18,046
Maybe one slipped
down from your head.
193
00:07:18,046 --> 00:07:19,787
FRANK:
You broke off a needle
in me, didn't ya?
194
00:07:19,787 --> 00:07:21,615
Frank, these few,lovely moments with you
195
00:07:21,615 --> 00:07:23,138
have contributed more
to the pain in my back
196
00:07:23,138 --> 00:07:25,140
than my army cot,and that's going some.
197
00:07:25,140 --> 00:07:26,794
If you care anything
about human life,
198
00:07:26,794 --> 00:07:28,535
you'll feel my lumps
before you go.
199
00:07:28,535 --> 00:07:30,188
Leave 'em
under my pillow.
200
00:07:30,188 --> 00:07:32,321
I'll give 'em a squeezebefore I go to sleep.
201
00:07:32,321 --> 00:07:34,366
[knocking]
202
00:07:34,366 --> 00:07:36,586
Come in.
203
00:07:36,586 --> 00:07:37,979
I have to have a lookat your body, Margaret.
204
00:07:37,979 --> 00:07:39,415
Ha-ha, don't you wish.
205
00:07:39,415 --> 00:07:41,199
Lie down in the bed andlet me feel your liver.
206
00:07:41,199 --> 00:07:42,853
That'll be the day.
Get out of here.
207
00:07:42,853 --> 00:07:45,029
Margaret, we may be facinga hepatitis epidemic.
208
00:07:45,029 --> 00:07:46,640
I have to examine you.
209
00:07:46,640 --> 00:07:47,684
You're gonnaget a shot, too.
210
00:07:47,684 --> 00:07:49,251
Eh, so are you, kiddo.
211
00:07:49,251 --> 00:07:51,383
Let's start small.Show me your eyes.
212
00:07:51,383 --> 00:07:53,037
Outside.This bulb is too yellow.
213
00:07:53,037 --> 00:07:54,561
You're serious,
aren't you?
214
00:07:54,561 --> 00:07:56,258
Believe me, I wouldn'tbe walking around
215
00:07:56,258 --> 00:07:58,739
poking people's livers
if I didn't have to.
216
00:07:58,739 --> 00:08:01,219
-All right, show me
under your tongue.
-No. That's out.
217
00:08:01,219 --> 00:08:03,831
-What?
-I will not show
you my tongue.
218
00:08:03,831 --> 00:08:06,137
Especially not underneath.
219
00:08:06,137 --> 00:08:07,748
How 'bout if I show
you mine first?
220
00:08:07,748 --> 00:08:10,925
I can look at
my own tongue.
221
00:08:10,925 --> 00:08:13,405
-It's okay.
-Okay? It's gorgeous.
222
00:08:13,405 --> 00:08:14,842
I knew it.
223
00:08:14,842 --> 00:08:16,452
I have to have some blood.Let me have a vein.
224
00:08:16,452 --> 00:08:18,149
[sighs loudly]
Here. Hurry up.
225
00:08:18,149 --> 00:08:20,064
Well, you're certainlybraver about this
226
00:08:20,064 --> 00:08:21,631
than my last patient.
227
00:08:21,631 --> 00:08:22,893
-Who was that?
-Frank.
228
00:08:22,893 --> 00:08:24,504
[scoffs]
229
00:08:24,504 --> 00:08:25,853
He's afraid his body'sbeing attacked.
230
00:08:25,853 --> 00:08:28,986
He has very little
to worry about.
231
00:08:28,986 --> 00:08:31,162
How's your fiance, LieutenantColonel Donald Penobscott,
232
00:08:31,162 --> 00:08:33,556
-of West Point?
-Fine.
233
00:08:33,556 --> 00:08:36,864
He's doing very... well.
234
00:08:36,864 --> 00:08:39,083
Well, that certainlysounds extremely...
235
00:08:39,083 --> 00:08:41,259
satisfactory.
236
00:08:41,259 --> 00:08:43,348
-Can I confide in you?
-Sure.
237
00:08:43,348 --> 00:08:45,655
I've been getting
some very strange letters
238
00:08:45,655 --> 00:08:47,439
-from Donald's mother.
-Like what?
239
00:08:47,439 --> 00:08:50,530
Like she's welcoming me
into the family.
240
00:08:50,530 --> 00:08:52,706
Well, listen.You're not all that bad.
241
00:08:52,706 --> 00:08:55,404
She's welcoming me,but in a very left-handed way.
242
00:08:55,404 --> 00:08:57,188
Listen to this.
243
00:08:57,188 --> 00:08:59,190
"Dear Margaret, what
a pleasure it will be
244
00:08:59,190 --> 00:09:01,323
"to include a Houlihan
in our clan.
245
00:09:01,323 --> 00:09:03,238
"I've only known
two Houlihans before,
246
00:09:03,238 --> 00:09:05,109
"and they were
both charming.
247
00:09:05,109 --> 00:09:08,635
"One was a chauffeur,who we liked very much.
248
00:09:08,635 --> 00:09:12,726
"Although we had to lethim go because he drank.
249
00:09:12,726 --> 00:09:15,903
"And the other wasa young girl who workedfor us as a maid.
250
00:09:15,903 --> 00:09:18,209
"We still send her Christmascards every year...
251
00:09:18,209 --> 00:09:19,776
at the state hospital."
252
00:09:19,776 --> 00:09:21,952
If this woman wants tostart a fan club for you,
253
00:09:21,952 --> 00:09:23,345
tell her to forget it.
254
00:09:23,345 --> 00:09:24,825
She has me sick.
255
00:09:24,825 --> 00:09:26,914
I don't know what
she's telling Donald.
256
00:09:26,914 --> 00:09:28,785
What difference does it make?He loves you.
257
00:09:28,785 --> 00:09:30,918
He's not in lovewith the chauffeur.
258
00:09:30,918 --> 00:09:33,007
Ready?
259
00:09:36,445 --> 00:09:38,665
Oh, come on, Margaret.
260
00:09:38,665 --> 00:09:41,232
-You're taking all
the fun out of it.-Yes, that's right. I am.
261
00:09:41,232 --> 00:09:43,408
Margaret, this is notmerely a dream come true.
262
00:09:43,408 --> 00:09:45,541
Gamma globulin goes betterin a person's caboose.
263
00:09:45,541 --> 00:09:47,195
Not this person's.
264
00:09:47,195 --> 00:09:48,500
Margaret,you're a nurse.
265
00:09:48,500 --> 00:09:50,372
Oh, all right!
266
00:09:50,372 --> 00:09:52,896
-Let's get it over with.-My sentiments exactly.
267
00:09:52,896 --> 00:09:54,594
Let us not dawdle overa moment like this.
268
00:09:54,594 --> 00:09:55,986
Let us treat it as aprofessional encounter
269
00:09:55,986 --> 00:09:57,640
of the most...Oh, Margaret.
270
00:09:57,640 --> 00:09:59,294
May I pause on this occasionto express a few thoughts?
271
00:09:59,294 --> 00:10:01,470
If you say one word...
272
00:10:01,470 --> 00:10:03,037
Oh, I wouldn't, I wouldn't.Not a word.
273
00:10:03,037 --> 00:10:04,647
But-but if I did, that wordwould be "magnificent."
274
00:10:04,647 --> 00:10:06,170
Would that be bad?
275
00:10:06,170 --> 00:10:07,868
Will you please
give me the shot?
276
00:10:07,868 --> 00:10:10,087
Okay, okay.
277
00:10:12,263 --> 00:10:14,831
There.
278
00:10:14,831 --> 00:10:17,791
How dare you come
in here on the pretext
279
00:10:17,791 --> 00:10:19,401
of giving me a shot,
280
00:10:19,401 --> 00:10:21,098
and then stand
there ogling me
281
00:10:21,098 --> 00:10:23,013
as though I were
a sideshow attraction!
282
00:10:23,013 --> 00:10:24,798
Boy, I show youa little appreciation,
283
00:10:24,798 --> 00:10:26,843
and you hit the roof.What do you want from me?
284
00:10:26,843 --> 00:10:28,497
Respect.
285
00:10:28,497 --> 00:10:30,673
Simple respect.
286
00:10:30,673 --> 00:10:34,068
I expect nothing more,and I'll accept nothing less.
287
00:10:35,852 --> 00:10:37,941
Hey, that's pretty good.
288
00:10:37,941 --> 00:10:39,508
You got me with that.
289
00:10:39,508 --> 00:10:40,901
Good.
290
00:10:40,901 --> 00:10:43,991
I mean, you really did.
291
00:10:43,991 --> 00:10:45,645
I bet that would workwith Donald's mother.
292
00:10:45,645 --> 00:10:46,950
What?
293
00:10:46,950 --> 00:10:49,170
Maybe not those words,but that attitude.
294
00:10:49,170 --> 00:10:51,172
Simple respect.
295
00:10:51,172 --> 00:10:52,913
Maybe.
296
00:10:52,913 --> 00:10:55,785
You know, in some ways,you really are magnificent.
297
00:10:55,785 --> 00:10:58,875
And not juston the outside.
298
00:10:58,875 --> 00:11:00,834
Thank you.
299
00:11:00,834 --> 00:11:02,618
-You wanna give me a shot?-Oh, buzz off!
300
00:11:02,618 --> 00:11:04,315
Oh, just asking.
301
00:11:04,315 --> 00:11:06,056
MAN [on P.A.]: Attention, all personnel.
302
00:11:06,056 --> 00:11:07,492
Incoming. Incoming.
303
00:11:07,492 --> 00:11:10,191
Welcoming committee
to the helipad.
304
00:11:10,191 --> 00:11:14,369
There will be a slight lull in our lull.
305
00:11:14,369 --> 00:11:16,937
I don't know what
we're gonna do with
this boy over here.
306
00:11:18,199 --> 00:11:20,114
Oh, God.
307
00:11:20,114 --> 00:11:22,377
I sent for Hawkeye.
I think we need
another opinion.
308
00:11:22,377 --> 00:11:24,161
-How'd this happen?
-He's a tank driver.
309
00:11:24,161 --> 00:11:26,120
When a shell gets inside
one of those tubs,
310
00:11:26,120 --> 00:11:27,425
it just ricochets around,
311
00:11:27,425 --> 00:11:29,340
chews up everything
in its path.
312
00:11:29,340 --> 00:11:31,081
Where do you start?
313
00:11:31,081 --> 00:11:32,343
I'm here.
314
00:11:32,343 --> 00:11:34,084
What's the matter
with you?
315
00:11:34,084 --> 00:11:35,607
-You're all bent over.
-Who told you?
316
00:11:35,607 --> 00:11:37,174
You're turning into
a question mark.
317
00:11:37,174 --> 00:11:40,047
And the question is,
how I got this way.
318
00:11:40,047 --> 00:11:41,701
Pretty bad, huh?
319
00:11:41,701 --> 00:11:43,877
Among other things,
he has no stomach
to speak of.
320
00:11:43,877 --> 00:11:46,401
I know they could dealwith this down in Seoul.
321
00:11:46,401 --> 00:11:48,272
But the trip
might kill him.
322
00:11:48,272 --> 00:11:50,405
And if one of us
tried it up here,
we might kill him.
323
00:11:50,405 --> 00:11:51,623
What do you think
we oughta do?
324
00:11:51,623 --> 00:11:54,844
You're the chief surgeon.You tell me.
325
00:11:54,844 --> 00:11:56,193
He'll need
a partial gastrectomy,
326
00:11:56,193 --> 00:11:57,368
maybe even a total.
327
00:11:57,368 --> 00:11:58,935
I think B.J.
oughta do it.
328
00:11:58,935 --> 00:12:00,458
He's the closest we come
to an expert on this.
329
00:12:00,458 --> 00:12:01,677
Expert? I've neverdone this before.
330
00:12:01,677 --> 00:12:03,157
I've only read about it.
331
00:12:03,157 --> 00:12:04,811
Well, that puts you
one up on the rest of us.
332
00:12:04,811 --> 00:12:06,551
-Work from the book.-Suppose I make a mistake?
333
00:12:06,551 --> 00:12:09,250
Suppose we send him
down to Seoul on the
buckboard express?
334
00:12:09,250 --> 00:12:10,642
He'll be off
your conscience,
335
00:12:10,642 --> 00:12:12,079
but he won't be
anymore alive.
336
00:12:12,079 --> 00:12:13,689
It's a tough choice.
337
00:12:13,689 --> 00:12:16,170
Fine. Take your time.
What are you gonna do?
338
00:12:18,389 --> 00:12:20,478
All right.I'll do it.
339
00:12:20,478 --> 00:12:21,741
Look at this,I'm sweating already.
340
00:12:21,741 --> 00:12:23,830
Go scrub.
Carmine, prep him.
341
00:12:23,830 --> 00:12:26,049
Pierce, see me in my office
later about your back.
342
00:12:26,049 --> 00:12:29,487
Why? Is something
wrong with my back?
343
00:12:29,487 --> 00:12:30,532
[Hawkeye groans]
344
00:12:30,532 --> 00:12:33,753
[mumbling]
345
00:12:33,753 --> 00:12:36,146
"In the colon, transected..."
346
00:12:36,146 --> 00:12:37,713
What the hell
are you doing?
347
00:12:37,713 --> 00:12:39,410
I wanna see if
you got hepatitis
348
00:12:39,410 --> 00:12:40,890
before you put your
hands in that guy.
349
00:12:40,890 --> 00:12:42,239
I already gave myself
a blood test.
350
00:12:42,239 --> 00:12:44,241
Leave me alone,
will ya?
351
00:12:44,241 --> 00:12:46,026
You mind if I give you a shotwhile you're scrubbing up?
352
00:12:46,026 --> 00:12:47,941
I'm trying to read.Will you get outta here?
353
00:12:47,941 --> 00:12:50,117
Look, I gotta jab 15 peoplebefore I go to sleep tonight.
354
00:12:50,117 --> 00:12:52,380
Otherwise, this entire staffwill be flat on its livers.
355
00:12:52,380 --> 00:12:54,643
See me after
the operation.
356
00:12:54,643 --> 00:12:55,949
I'll be waiting
at the stage door
357
00:12:55,949 --> 00:12:57,385
with a flower
in my buttonhole.
358
00:12:57,385 --> 00:12:59,866
The Swamp, 10:00.
359
00:12:59,866 --> 00:13:01,955
-Good luck, Beej.
-Uh-huh.
360
00:13:01,955 --> 00:13:04,871
Let's see, "The terminalileum is divided
361
00:13:04,871 --> 00:13:08,483
"five inches proximal
to the ileocecal valve."
362
00:13:10,224 --> 00:13:12,182
God.
363
00:13:12,182 --> 00:13:14,706
Let's jump to the end and seehow this operation turns out.
364
00:13:19,842 --> 00:13:21,191
How you feeling, Father?
365
00:13:21,191 --> 00:13:23,759
Oh, fine actually.
366
00:13:23,759 --> 00:13:26,414
Well, weak, really.
367
00:13:26,414 --> 00:13:28,024
I brought you
some juice.
368
00:13:28,024 --> 00:13:29,504
Oh, thank you.
369
00:13:29,504 --> 00:13:31,723
Your blood test
showed hepatitis.
370
00:13:31,723 --> 00:13:33,421
Probably infectious.
371
00:13:33,421 --> 00:13:35,031
We're gonna have to isolate
you for a week or so.
372
00:13:35,031 --> 00:13:37,120
You mean I can't
see people?
373
00:13:37,120 --> 00:13:38,643
How will I hear confessionstomorrow night?
374
00:13:38,643 --> 00:13:40,297
Well, maybe they can
write their sins down
375
00:13:40,297 --> 00:13:42,082
on pieces of paper andslip them under the door.
376
00:13:42,082 --> 00:13:43,561
Possibly.
377
00:13:43,561 --> 00:13:45,346
And then we can auctionoff the pieces of paper
378
00:13:45,346 --> 00:13:48,349
and make a fortune
for the orphanage.
379
00:13:48,349 --> 00:13:50,786
How am I going toadminister the sacraments?
380
00:13:50,786 --> 00:13:53,093
How can I give
Holy Communion?
381
00:13:53,093 --> 00:13:55,791
I can't place the Euchariston their tongues.
I'll infect them all.
382
00:13:55,791 --> 00:13:57,749
You're gonna have to
take a rain check
for a while, Father.
383
00:13:57,749 --> 00:14:00,491
What if somebody needslast rites in the O.R.?
384
00:14:00,491 --> 00:14:03,451
People are
depending on me.
385
00:14:03,451 --> 00:14:05,757
I really don't feelall that bad, you know.
386
00:14:05,757 --> 00:14:07,150
You wanna kill yourself?
387
00:14:07,150 --> 00:14:08,891
Well, at leastlet's rig up something
388
00:14:08,891 --> 00:14:11,024
so I can hear confessionsthrough a flap in the tent.
389
00:14:11,024 --> 00:14:13,113
-Father, you have
to rest a little.
-No, no, no, no, no.
390
00:14:13,113 --> 00:14:14,941
Look here.You don't understand!
391
00:14:14,941 --> 00:14:17,073
Their souls are
in my charge.
392
00:14:17,073 --> 00:14:19,336
-Father, you're sick.
-Well, so are you.
393
00:14:19,336 --> 00:14:20,947
Look at your back.
394
00:14:20,947 --> 00:14:23,427
That's not stopping youfrom doing your work.
395
00:14:23,427 --> 00:14:26,082
All right, I'll work out
a light confession
schedule for you.
396
00:14:26,082 --> 00:14:27,649
Maybe people can cut
down on their sinning
397
00:14:27,649 --> 00:14:29,129
and give you a break.
398
00:14:29,129 --> 00:14:30,782
I'm hearing confessions,and that's it.
399
00:14:30,782 --> 00:14:32,349
All right, just get
a little rest.
400
00:14:32,349 --> 00:14:34,090
Nobody's pushingme around.
401
00:14:36,223 --> 00:14:38,181
Good afternoon, Klinger.
I'm checking for hepatitis.
402
00:14:38,181 --> 00:14:40,053
-Drop your pants and
show me your eyes.
-Forget it, sir.
403
00:14:40,053 --> 00:14:42,751
The last time I
dropped my pants,
they put me in the army.
404
00:14:42,751 --> 00:14:45,885
The next time I drop 'em,it's to stick 'em out theporthole and wave bye-bye.
405
00:14:45,885 --> 00:14:47,147
How are your eyes?
406
00:14:47,147 --> 00:14:49,149
Bloodshot from
pounding potatoes.
407
00:14:49,149 --> 00:14:50,411
Come on, Klinger.I want to get home
408
00:14:50,411 --> 00:14:52,065
and slip into somecomfortable traction.
409
00:14:52,065 --> 00:14:53,544
Here.
410
00:14:53,544 --> 00:14:54,894
They look like
potato eyes, right?
411
00:14:54,894 --> 00:14:56,547
You are what you mash.
412
00:14:56,547 --> 00:14:58,419
-Show me your tongue.
-Gladly.
413
00:14:58,419 --> 00:15:00,029
Let me see the underside.
414
00:15:00,029 --> 00:15:01,683
Wait, I'll stand
on my head.
415
00:15:01,683 --> 00:15:03,250
What are you socranky about?
416
00:15:03,250 --> 00:15:05,426
Because I drew K.P.
30 straight days
417
00:15:05,426 --> 00:15:06,818
for punching out Zale.
418
00:15:06,818 --> 00:15:08,559
I should get
a medal for that.
419
00:15:08,559 --> 00:15:09,996
We're supposed to fight
the enemy, aren't we?
420
00:15:09,996 --> 00:15:11,693
You're fightingZale again?
421
00:15:11,693 --> 00:15:13,738
-What about?
-Ah, it's stupid.
422
00:15:13,738 --> 00:15:15,697
He insulted the
Toledo Mud Hens.
423
00:15:15,697 --> 00:15:17,960
I take it that's abaseball team and notyesterday's lunch.
424
00:15:17,960 --> 00:15:20,136
The trouble is,
I got a short fuse.
425
00:15:20,136 --> 00:15:21,964
My wife, Laverne,
keeps writing me,
426
00:15:21,964 --> 00:15:23,923
"When you get angry,
count to ten,
427
00:15:23,923 --> 00:15:25,881
"and ask St. Anthony
for help."
428
00:15:25,881 --> 00:15:29,232
I go, one, two, three...
429
00:15:29,232 --> 00:15:30,886
Pow!
430
00:15:30,886 --> 00:15:32,322
Once I got to eight.
431
00:15:32,322 --> 00:15:34,063
I never needed any
help from St. Anthony.
432
00:15:34,063 --> 00:15:35,717
I'm too hot-blooded.
433
00:15:35,717 --> 00:15:37,066
Let me draw a little of thathot blood from your vein.
434
00:15:37,066 --> 00:15:39,199
I really gotta
work on it.
435
00:15:39,199 --> 00:15:41,810
-Yeah, right.
-I can't stand myself
when I lose my temper.
436
00:15:41,810 --> 00:15:43,507
Hey, hey, hold still,will ya?
437
00:15:43,507 --> 00:15:45,074
Sure, so he insults
the Mud Hens.
438
00:15:45,074 --> 00:15:46,597
What does he know?
439
00:15:46,597 --> 00:15:48,208
I should get excited
over an ignorant remark
440
00:15:48,208 --> 00:15:49,687
from a stupid
idiot like him?
441
00:15:49,687 --> 00:15:51,124
Hold it, will ya?Talk with the other hand.
442
00:15:51,124 --> 00:15:53,561
Sure, I'm not wasting
my time on him.
443
00:15:53,561 --> 00:15:55,258
That dumb jerk!
444
00:15:55,258 --> 00:15:57,347
[pots clattering]
445
00:15:57,347 --> 00:15:59,567
Excuse me.
446
00:15:59,567 --> 00:16:01,395
You want me to stab myself?Just hold still.
447
00:16:01,395 --> 00:16:03,092
-Right.
-All right?
448
00:16:03,092 --> 00:16:04,920
He's always making cracks
about my lingerie.
449
00:16:04,920 --> 00:16:07,227
He just doesn't
have the guts.
450
00:16:07,227 --> 00:16:09,055
[pots clattering]
451
00:16:09,055 --> 00:16:11,361
I'd like to see himin a panty girdle!
452
00:16:11,361 --> 00:16:14,930
[pot clattering]
453
00:16:14,930 --> 00:16:17,280
I'm sorry! I didn'tmean to raise my voice.
454
00:16:17,280 --> 00:16:19,195
Can I have a little
cooperation?
455
00:16:19,195 --> 00:16:21,154
The pain in my back is
beginning to grow roots.
456
00:16:21,154 --> 00:16:22,938
I gotta calm down.
457
00:16:22,938 --> 00:16:25,114
I don't care what
he says about me.
458
00:16:25,114 --> 00:16:26,811
But he mentions
the Mud Hens again,
459
00:16:26,811 --> 00:16:29,205
he's getting it
right in the puss!
460
00:16:29,205 --> 00:16:32,165
[pot clattering]
461
00:16:32,165 --> 00:16:33,688
Would you watch it?
462
00:16:33,688 --> 00:16:35,124
I'm sorry.Did I hurt ya?
463
00:16:35,124 --> 00:16:37,126
Fortunately, I'm in
a permanent duck.
464
00:16:37,126 --> 00:16:40,477
Look, during a
physical examination,
465
00:16:40,477 --> 00:16:43,045
I'm supposed to getphysical, not you.
466
00:16:43,045 --> 00:16:46,309
-Now get over there.
-Sir.
467
00:16:46,309 --> 00:16:48,746
-Give me that.
-Here, take it.
468
00:16:48,746 --> 00:16:50,792
-Sir?
-Uh-huh?
469
00:16:50,792 --> 00:16:52,750
-If you find out
I got hepatitis...
-Yeah.
470
00:16:52,750 --> 00:16:54,752
I'm gonna kiss Zale
right on the mouth.
471
00:16:54,752 --> 00:16:56,798
I'm very happy for you.
472
00:16:56,798 --> 00:16:59,409
"The ileocolic segment
is turned upward,
473
00:16:59,409 --> 00:17:01,237
"and the end of
the ileum anastomosed
474
00:17:01,237 --> 00:17:03,065
"to the end of
the esophagus..."
475
00:17:03,065 --> 00:17:05,720
-blues.-Everything under control?
476
00:17:05,720 --> 00:17:07,896
You know whatthis reminds me of?
477
00:17:07,896 --> 00:17:09,941
Assembling those toysI got as a kid.
478
00:17:09,941 --> 00:17:12,466
Fold Flap A
into Slot B.
479
00:17:12,466 --> 00:17:14,642
I could never tellmy flap from my slot.
480
00:17:14,642 --> 00:17:16,600
You can't find
that kid's Flap A,
481
00:17:16,600 --> 00:17:18,037
don't guess.
482
00:17:18,037 --> 00:17:20,909
I'm all right.
483
00:17:20,909 --> 00:17:23,868
It's amazing how muchyou can tell from a fewdrops of blood though, isn't it?
484
00:17:23,868 --> 00:17:25,914
Yep.
485
00:17:25,914 --> 00:17:28,438
You could tell everythingfrom a guy's blood, can't you?
486
00:17:28,438 --> 00:17:31,311
Everything that's fit to print.
487
00:17:31,311 --> 00:17:33,574
It's really sort of
fascinating, isn't it?
488
00:17:33,574 --> 00:17:36,794
I'm all a-tingle myself.
489
00:17:36,794 --> 00:17:40,537
-What are you worried
about, Radar?
-Oh, nothing, uh...
490
00:17:40,537 --> 00:17:43,236
Well, I mean, it was justthat I was wondering if...
491
00:17:43,236 --> 00:17:47,109
if you could tell ifa guy has any, you know,special problems.
492
00:17:47,109 --> 00:17:51,940
Like, uh, like he's anemicor, uh, he isn't red-bloodedenough or...
493
00:17:51,940 --> 00:17:53,637
What's the matter?
494
00:17:53,637 --> 00:17:56,597
Well, I'll tell ya.
495
00:17:56,597 --> 00:18:01,036
Um, sometimes I go outwith the guys. You know,like to Rosie's Bar?
496
00:18:01,036 --> 00:18:04,213
We really have a good time.We're always, uh, singing...
497
00:18:04,213 --> 00:18:07,695
and laughing and telling whatwe're gonna do after the war.
498
00:18:07,695 --> 00:18:12,308
Then a couple of guys willstart joking with some ofthe business girls.
499
00:18:14,093 --> 00:18:16,225
And before I know it,I start to feel different.
500
00:18:16,225 --> 00:18:18,836
-Different?
-I get sleepy.
501
00:18:18,836 --> 00:18:20,621
And you're afraid
there's something
wrong with you?
502
00:18:20,621 --> 00:18:23,406
No. Is there?
503
00:18:23,406 --> 00:18:25,930
Yeah. You're suffering froma severe case of decency.
504
00:18:25,930 --> 00:18:30,587
I mean, I really wishI could have a good timelike they do, you know?
505
00:18:30,587 --> 00:18:32,154
I mean, just
bust out and drink
506
00:18:32,154 --> 00:18:33,329
and tell lies
to strange girls
507
00:18:33,329 --> 00:18:34,722
and come back to campthe next morning
508
00:18:34,722 --> 00:18:37,072
without any sleepand throw up all day.
509
00:18:38,682 --> 00:18:40,902
I really wish I could...at least just once.
510
00:18:46,647 --> 00:18:49,476
Look, everybody'sdifferent, Radar.
511
00:18:49,476 --> 00:18:51,217
You're here with a bunchof guys you'll probablynever see again.
512
00:18:51,217 --> 00:18:54,872
You don't have totry to be like them.
513
00:18:54,872 --> 00:18:58,485
You know, most peopleact crazy when they'reout of town.
514
00:18:58,485 --> 00:19:01,531
-Hmm.
-But you're different.
515
00:19:01,531 --> 00:19:04,317
You always take a little bitof Iowa with you whereveryou go.
516
00:19:04,317 --> 00:19:08,190
That's nice.Don't try to change that.
517
00:19:08,190 --> 00:19:11,889
Someday you'll meet somebodythat you'd like to introduceto your mom.
518
00:19:13,326 --> 00:19:16,024
And instead of takingadvantage of her...
519
00:19:16,024 --> 00:19:19,593
you'll offer her a gift you'vebeen working on all your life.
520
00:19:19,593 --> 00:19:22,248
Yourself.
521
00:19:22,248 --> 00:19:24,641
And believe me,you won't get sleepy.
522
00:19:26,774 --> 00:19:29,864
-You know what I mean?
-Yeah. [sniffles]
523
00:19:30,995 --> 00:19:33,084
Thanks.
524
00:19:33,084 --> 00:19:36,523
I hate to say this at thispoint, but would you dropyour pants?
525
00:19:38,438 --> 00:19:40,570
Now, the first timethey did this operation,
526
00:19:40,570 --> 00:19:43,530
they came up withan ileocolic segmentthat was gangrenous.
527
00:19:43,530 --> 00:19:45,488
This guy doesn't even
have that end of his ileum,
528
00:19:45,488 --> 00:19:46,663
so I guess we can
forget about that.
529
00:19:46,663 --> 00:19:48,361
Did you do
a splenectomy,
530
00:19:48,361 --> 00:19:50,145
or did the shell fragmentdo it for you?
531
00:19:50,145 --> 00:19:52,626
I did some.
The North Koreans
did the rest.
532
00:19:52,626 --> 00:19:55,933
My God, don't they knowthis poor guy's still got
533
00:19:55,933 --> 00:19:57,761
a few payments
left on his house?
534
00:19:57,761 --> 00:19:59,720
I guess his neighbors
down at the draft board
535
00:19:59,720 --> 00:20:01,765
didn't mention that in hisletter of reference. Cut.
536
00:20:01,765 --> 00:20:04,681
POTTER:It looks to me like yououghta be just about done.
537
00:20:04,681 --> 00:20:06,988
One more stitch, and I'llbe ready to start closing.
538
00:20:06,988 --> 00:20:08,119
How's he doing?
539
00:20:08,119 --> 00:20:09,686
Stable, Doctor.
540
00:20:09,686 --> 00:20:11,862
I think he's
going to make it.
541
00:20:11,862 --> 00:20:13,037
[chuckles]
542
00:20:13,037 --> 00:20:14,300
Cut.
543
00:20:15,910 --> 00:20:17,825
There.
[exhales]
544
00:20:17,825 --> 00:20:20,175
I just knitted
a soldier.
545
00:20:20,175 --> 00:20:22,699
I was supposed
to give you a shot
546
00:20:22,699 --> 00:20:23,787
in the Swamp
at 10:00.
547
00:20:23,787 --> 00:20:25,485
What are you
doing here?
548
00:20:25,485 --> 00:20:27,182
Hawkeye, Hawkeye, Hawkeye,Hawkeye, Hawkeye, Hawkeye!
549
00:20:27,182 --> 00:20:29,576
I did it! I saved him.
He's alive!
550
00:20:29,576 --> 00:20:31,230
Louis Pasteur couldn'thave put it better.
551
00:20:31,230 --> 00:20:33,971
-I'm a life-giver.
-Congratulations.
552
00:20:33,971 --> 00:20:35,582
Really, I mean it.Show me your tongue.
553
00:20:35,582 --> 00:20:38,149
My tongue?
That's small potatoes.
554
00:20:38,149 --> 00:20:39,847
I'll show you my butt!
555
00:20:39,847 --> 00:20:41,544
Hey!
Hey, everybody.
556
00:20:41,544 --> 00:20:43,372
All right,
all right, all right.
557
00:20:43,372 --> 00:20:45,026
All right.
Give me your attention.
558
00:20:45,026 --> 00:20:47,028
A simple "Ah" wouldbe sufficient.
559
00:20:47,028 --> 00:20:49,335
In celebration of the world'smost difficult surgery
560
00:20:49,335 --> 00:20:51,119
and the world's most
wonderful surgeon,
561
00:20:51,119 --> 00:20:53,600
snatching life out
of the jaws of death,
562
00:20:53,600 --> 00:20:55,602
we unveil for you now
563
00:20:55,602 --> 00:20:58,692
the Hippocrates
of Ouijongbu.
564
00:20:58,692 --> 00:21:00,476
[whistling, cheering]
565
00:21:05,960 --> 00:21:10,138
♪ I get no kick
from Champagne ♪
566
00:21:10,138 --> 00:21:15,361
♪ Mere alcohol doesn't thrill me at all ♪
567
00:21:15,361 --> 00:21:18,538
♪ So tell me
why should it-- ♪
568
00:21:18,538 --> 00:21:19,974
Dip, Baker, dip!
569
00:21:19,974 --> 00:21:22,368
[cheering, whooping]
570
00:21:22,368 --> 00:21:25,196
[B.J. singing
incoherently]
571
00:21:26,850 --> 00:21:28,635
[cheering]
572
00:21:33,030 --> 00:21:36,599
-Uh-huh.-There's no contaminationof the water supply.
573
00:21:36,599 --> 00:21:38,732
The patient we hadhere three weeks ago
574
00:21:38,732 --> 00:21:40,473
showed up in Seoulwith a severe case
575
00:21:40,473 --> 00:21:42,562
of infectious hepatitis.
576
00:21:42,562 --> 00:21:45,129
Let's hope Father Mulcahycaught it from him,
577
00:21:45,129 --> 00:21:46,566
and this will bethe end of it.
578
00:21:46,566 --> 00:21:48,089
[exhales]
I'm for that.
579
00:21:48,089 --> 00:21:50,396
Okay, now,what's with you?
580
00:21:50,396 --> 00:21:52,354
What's with me?
581
00:21:52,354 --> 00:21:55,183
You've been walking aroundlike Lon Chaney's stand-in.
582
00:21:55,183 --> 00:21:57,098
At first, I thought
it was pleurisy.
583
00:21:57,098 --> 00:21:59,100
Then I thought maybe a disc.I don't know what it is.
584
00:21:59,100 --> 00:22:01,363
I hear you've been readingyour hometown newspaper.
585
00:22:01,363 --> 00:22:03,104
You think they're
poisoning the ink?
586
00:22:03,104 --> 00:22:04,975
I think maybe you haven'tmade up your mind
587
00:22:04,975 --> 00:22:07,848
how you feel about beingover here feeding the fleas.
588
00:22:07,848 --> 00:22:09,676
As far as I'm concerned,the fleas can eat out
589
00:22:09,676 --> 00:22:11,808
at the Chinese restaurantdown the street.
590
00:22:11,808 --> 00:22:14,463
How do you feel aboutspending the war over here,
591
00:22:14,463 --> 00:22:17,336
even though you're not
incredibly average?
592
00:22:19,555 --> 00:22:20,991
I guess I'm angry.
593
00:22:20,991 --> 00:22:22,993
How do you feelabout being angry?
594
00:22:22,993 --> 00:22:26,475
[sighs]
You think I'm mad,and I won't admit it, huh?
595
00:22:26,475 --> 00:22:28,172
I think you're gonnacome out of this war
596
00:22:28,172 --> 00:22:31,001
with a merit badge fortying yourself up in knots.
597
00:22:31,001 --> 00:22:34,135
Here, take a belt of that.
598
00:22:34,135 --> 00:22:36,355
Can I tell you somethingas a friend?
599
00:22:36,355 --> 00:22:37,660
A tough friend?
600
00:22:37,660 --> 00:22:39,314
Tough friends
last longer.
601
00:22:39,314 --> 00:22:41,838
When I was an enlisted man,I was short.
602
00:22:41,838 --> 00:22:43,536
Not like I am now.
603
00:22:43,536 --> 00:22:46,843
For a while there,I thought I'd look taller
604
00:22:46,843 --> 00:22:48,410
if I could knocka few of the big guys
605
00:22:48,410 --> 00:22:49,759
flat on their backs.
606
00:22:49,759 --> 00:22:51,152
Then it dawned on me.
607
00:22:51,152 --> 00:22:53,023
I was just fighting myselfand using their ribs
608
00:22:53,023 --> 00:22:55,809
to hurt my hands on.
609
00:22:55,809 --> 00:22:57,550
Fig Newtons and Scotch.
610
00:22:57,550 --> 00:23:01,380
Listen, it's toobig a world to be
611
00:23:01,380 --> 00:23:03,556
in competitionwith everybody else.
612
00:23:03,556 --> 00:23:06,036
The only guy I haveto get better than
613
00:23:06,036 --> 00:23:07,951
is who I am right now.
614
00:23:07,951 --> 00:23:12,260
And in your case,that's tough enough.
615
00:23:12,260 --> 00:23:14,697
They're great
if you dunk 'em.
616
00:23:16,656 --> 00:23:19,876
So what do I do about
incredibly average
Vernon Parsons?
617
00:23:19,876 --> 00:23:22,096
Relax. Let him have hislittle research grant.
618
00:23:22,096 --> 00:23:23,750
Live and let live.
619
00:23:23,750 --> 00:23:25,404
And then just to giveyourself a little present,
620
00:23:25,404 --> 00:23:28,276
send him an
anonymous letter.
621
00:23:28,276 --> 00:23:30,800
That's not a bad idea.
622
00:23:30,800 --> 00:23:33,063
I could tell him I saw himcheating on an exam once.
623
00:23:33,063 --> 00:23:35,457
Tell him you're filing
a malpractice suit.
624
00:23:35,457 --> 00:23:37,285
[laughing]
I'm beginning to
feel better already.
625
00:23:37,285 --> 00:23:39,461
Tell him you're filing
a paternity suit.
626
00:23:39,461 --> 00:23:40,897
[laughing]
627
00:23:40,897 --> 00:23:43,117
Doctor, Doctor,
I can walk.
628
00:23:47,643 --> 00:23:50,646
-Hey, B.J.!
-Quiet. Quiet.
629
00:23:50,646 --> 00:23:53,301
-You know what your trouble is?-Yes, I'm dying.
630
00:23:53,301 --> 00:23:57,000
-That's not your trouble.-Right. My trouble isI'm not dying fast enough.
631
00:23:57,000 --> 00:23:59,263
-You don't get enough exercise.-Uh-huh.
632
00:23:59,263 --> 00:24:01,918
The cure for a hangoveris to get the blood
out of your keister
633
00:24:01,918 --> 00:24:03,050
and into your brain.
634
00:24:03,050 --> 00:24:05,792
-Watch this.
-What?
635
00:24:05,792 --> 00:24:07,707
Hey, Hawkeye, come on.Don't do that. That's dangerous.
636
00:24:07,707 --> 00:24:09,709
Are you kidding?I'm in perfect control.
637
00:24:09,709 --> 00:24:11,754
Come on.Don't fool around, Hawkeye.
638
00:24:11,754 --> 00:24:15,236
-Ow! My head.
-My back!
639
00:24:15,236 --> 00:24:17,107
-My head!
-My back!
640
00:24:21,982 --> 00:24:23,766
[theme music playing
47465
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