Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:01,914 --> 00:00:04,265
[theme music playing]
2
00:01:15,292 --> 00:01:17,164
Hey, kid, get down!
3
00:01:17,164 --> 00:01:18,469
Get down!
4
00:01:21,342 --> 00:01:23,909
Billy, I'm hit!
5
00:01:23,909 --> 00:01:26,216
[grunting, groaning]
6
00:01:28,784 --> 00:01:31,613
I'm coming for you.Just keep your head down.
7
00:01:31,613 --> 00:01:33,615
I'm coming.
8
00:01:33,615 --> 00:01:36,096
[bomb incoming]
9
00:01:39,055 --> 00:01:42,189
Billy? Billy?
10
00:01:42,189 --> 00:01:43,842
Billy?
11
00:01:43,842 --> 00:01:46,062
Billy!
12
00:01:46,062 --> 00:01:48,891
Medic! Medic!
13
00:01:48,891 --> 00:01:51,328
[grunting, groaning]
14
00:02:06,648 --> 00:02:08,215
Hey, how bad is it?
15
00:02:08,215 --> 00:02:09,868
You'll make it.
16
00:02:09,868 --> 00:02:12,001
Come on, I wanna knowhow bad it is.
17
00:02:12,001 --> 00:02:14,046
Okay, let's get him
on the litter!
18
00:02:14,046 --> 00:02:16,614
Take it easy.
You'll be all right.
19
00:02:18,181 --> 00:02:19,704
How about the kid?
20
00:02:19,704 --> 00:02:21,358
He'll be fine.
21
00:02:21,358 --> 00:02:23,273
W-Was he hurt bad?
22
00:02:23,273 --> 00:02:25,101
Iodine and Band-Aids.
23
00:02:25,101 --> 00:02:26,711
Thank God.
24
00:02:26,711 --> 00:02:29,366
You're welcome.
25
00:02:29,366 --> 00:02:33,109
[grunting, groaning]
26
00:02:38,810 --> 00:02:40,682
Hey, watch it.
27
00:02:40,682 --> 00:02:42,510
Go on, kill 'em!
Th-That's it!
28
00:02:42,510 --> 00:02:44,642
Boy.
29
00:02:44,642 --> 00:02:46,601
Fight 'em in there
Go get 'im.
30
00:02:48,168 --> 00:02:49,995
Hey, Klinger,get the big guy.
31
00:02:49,995 --> 00:02:51,693
He's from the 8063rd.
32
00:02:51,693 --> 00:02:53,303
And ruin my hat?
33
00:02:53,303 --> 00:02:55,131
This is fightin', Klinger.You're an American.
34
00:02:55,131 --> 00:02:57,002
But this is Korea. Ooh!
35
00:02:58,265 --> 00:02:59,657
You don't like it here,
36
00:02:59,657 --> 00:03:01,485
why don't you go backwhere you came from?
37
00:03:01,485 --> 00:03:03,357
Why do you think I'm
wearing this dress?
38
00:03:09,276 --> 00:03:11,234
[tires squealing]
39
00:03:15,978 --> 00:03:18,285
Listen, this isa battalion aid station,
40
00:03:18,285 --> 00:03:19,808
not Walter Reed.
41
00:03:19,808 --> 00:03:21,418
I got a sergeant here
who looks pretty bad.
42
00:03:21,418 --> 00:03:23,855
He can't take
an ambulance trip.
43
00:03:23,855 --> 00:03:26,467
Send the chopper now!
44
00:03:26,467 --> 00:03:28,556
He'll need another
shot of morphine
45
00:03:28,556 --> 00:03:30,166
before he wakes
for the ride.
46
00:03:31,907 --> 00:03:34,649
Let up on that tourniquet
every 20 seconds.
47
00:03:34,649 --> 00:03:38,827
Must have cut your leg
on something, huh, Tyler?
48
00:03:38,827 --> 00:03:41,960
Look, Doc, there's nothingmissing on me, is there?
49
00:03:41,960 --> 00:03:43,571
I'm still in one piece, right?
50
00:03:43,571 --> 00:03:45,268
You're fine.
51
00:03:45,268 --> 00:03:47,270
There ain't nothin' gone?
52
00:03:47,270 --> 00:03:49,968
Relax. You're still
in one piece.
53
00:04:00,065 --> 00:04:03,547
Welcome to MASH. The boywill take your luggage.
54
00:04:03,547 --> 00:04:06,028
If you tip him,you may even get it back.
55
00:04:06,028 --> 00:04:07,682
Look at that leg. Yuck!
56
00:04:07,682 --> 00:04:09,597
Don't mind him.
He's a leg man.
57
00:04:09,597 --> 00:04:11,294
Give him a unit ofwhole blood and prep him.
58
00:04:11,294 --> 00:04:13,601
Frank, you ever heard
of patient morale?
59
00:04:13,601 --> 00:04:15,559
I'm a doctor,
not an entertainer.
60
00:04:15,559 --> 00:04:17,822
You had me fooled. Didn'tyou think he was a comic?
61
00:04:17,822 --> 00:04:19,302
He's got everybodyin stitches,
62
00:04:19,302 --> 00:04:20,651
whether they need themor not.
63
00:04:20,651 --> 00:04:21,783
Aw, chowderheads.
64
00:04:21,783 --> 00:04:23,088
That man's a foreigner.
65
00:04:23,088 --> 00:04:25,003
I'm not operating on him.
66
00:04:25,003 --> 00:04:27,571
Believe it or not,this is your lucky day.
67
00:04:28,529 --> 00:04:30,531
[muttering]
68
00:04:33,534 --> 00:04:34,970
Hey, Hawkeye,
69
00:04:34,970 --> 00:04:37,102
you know who thatis over there?
70
00:04:37,102 --> 00:04:39,017
Eleanor Roosevelt?
71
00:04:39,017 --> 00:04:41,281
No, that's Billy Tyler.
72
00:04:41,281 --> 00:04:43,718
-You mean the Billy Tyler?-Yeah.
73
00:04:43,718 --> 00:04:45,154
Incredible.
74
00:04:45,154 --> 00:04:47,025
Who's Billy Tyler?
75
00:04:47,025 --> 00:04:48,984
You know, the All-Americanrunning back from Iowa.
76
00:04:48,984 --> 00:04:50,986
Tied the Big Ten rushingrecord for a single season.
77
00:04:50,986 --> 00:04:53,162
Surefire star for the pros.
78
00:04:53,162 --> 00:04:55,469
Did you swallow
a radio announcer?
79
00:04:55,469 --> 00:04:57,819
Everyone in Iowaknows Billy Tyler.
80
00:04:57,819 --> 00:05:00,125
-Geez, is he hurt bad?
-He ain't hurt good.
81
00:05:00,125 --> 00:05:01,910
Hey, Captain Pierce,
82
00:05:01,910 --> 00:05:03,694
I got anothercasualty here.
83
00:05:03,694 --> 00:05:05,043
That's Kornhaus.
84
00:05:05,043 --> 00:05:06,436
What team does he play for?
85
00:05:06,436 --> 00:05:07,829
He's the cook's assistant.
86
00:05:10,310 --> 00:05:11,528
What happened?
87
00:05:11,528 --> 00:05:13,182
There was a fightin Rosie's Bar.
88
00:05:13,182 --> 00:05:14,705
This war'sgetting dangerous.
89
00:05:14,705 --> 00:05:15,967
What's going on here?
90
00:05:15,967 --> 00:05:17,578
Uh, Frank, this isP.F.C. Kornhaus,
91
00:05:17,578 --> 00:05:18,796
the cook's assistant.
92
00:05:18,796 --> 00:05:20,232
He slippedand cracked his head open
93
00:05:20,232 --> 00:05:21,756
-on some Jell-O.
-Jell-O?
94
00:05:21,756 --> 00:05:23,453
Dr. Pierce, it's timeto wash your hands.
95
00:05:23,453 --> 00:05:25,194
-Oh, is supper ready?
-Must be.
96
00:05:25,194 --> 00:05:26,717
There's a tablewaiting for you in O.R.
97
00:05:26,717 --> 00:05:28,023
Jokes, jokes, jokes.
98
00:05:28,023 --> 00:05:29,764
And you call
yourselves doctors?
99
00:05:29,764 --> 00:05:32,854
-Only when we're sick.-Take care of him, Frank.
100
00:05:32,854 --> 00:05:35,770
Next time you get near
Jell-O, wear your helmet.
101
00:05:38,294 --> 00:05:39,817
[whispering]
Doc...
102
00:05:39,817 --> 00:05:43,168
Before you put me under,
103
00:05:43,168 --> 00:05:45,780
tell me...
104
00:05:45,780 --> 00:05:46,998
what are you gonna do?
105
00:05:46,998 --> 00:05:48,609
Our very best.
106
00:05:48,609 --> 00:05:51,481
Is that gonna be good enough?
107
00:05:51,481 --> 00:05:53,614
We come highlyrecommended.
108
00:05:53,614 --> 00:05:55,006
And besides, we'rethe only game in town.
109
00:05:55,006 --> 00:05:56,356
I want it straight.
110
00:05:56,356 --> 00:05:58,532
How bad am I?
111
00:05:58,532 --> 00:06:00,795
You'll make it, Sergeant.
112
00:06:00,795 --> 00:06:02,710
Will the leg?
113
00:06:02,710 --> 00:06:04,668
We'll do everything we can.
114
00:06:04,668 --> 00:06:09,020
Doc, please.
115
00:06:09,020 --> 00:06:11,980
If you can't save the leg...
116
00:06:11,980 --> 00:06:13,721
don't save me.
117
00:06:18,987 --> 00:06:21,206
Hey, Klinger. You know whereour cook is? He's in pre-op.
118
00:06:21,206 --> 00:06:23,034
Better there
than in the kitchen.
119
00:06:23,034 --> 00:06:25,297
-It's because of you.-I wasn't even in the fight.
120
00:06:25,297 --> 00:06:26,951
I noticed. Afraid to getyour dress wrinkled?
121
00:06:26,951 --> 00:06:28,300
You can't wrinkle this.
It's nylon.
122
00:06:28,300 --> 00:06:29,780
I oughta punch youin the nose.
123
00:06:29,780 --> 00:06:31,521
Your fist isn't big enough.
124
00:06:31,521 --> 00:06:33,436
I can't stand any guy thatwon't fight for his outfit.
125
00:06:33,436 --> 00:06:35,569
I was fighting for my outfit.I didn't want to tear it.
126
00:06:35,569 --> 00:06:37,309
You're a weak-kneed,chickenhearted jellyfish!
127
00:06:37,309 --> 00:06:39,137
You're a fat-necked,
lily-livered blowhard!
128
00:06:39,137 --> 00:06:40,269
-Oh, yeah?
-Come on, guys.
129
00:06:40,269 --> 00:06:41,879
-Yeah!
-Will you listen?
130
00:06:41,879 --> 00:06:43,185
-What?
-What is it?
131
00:06:43,185 --> 00:06:44,665
I'm getting squished.
132
00:06:44,665 --> 00:06:46,667
[gas hissing]
133
00:06:52,673 --> 00:06:54,718
Can you work any faster?
134
00:06:54,718 --> 00:06:56,851
I'm already playing
the "Minute Waltz"
in 30 seconds.
135
00:06:56,851 --> 00:06:58,983
Lousy peripheral pulse.
136
00:06:58,983 --> 00:07:01,203
Can you find
another graft, Hawk?
137
00:07:01,203 --> 00:07:02,683
That vein you're hooking
up to seems awfully narrow.
138
00:07:02,683 --> 00:07:04,728
This is the best onehe's got left.
139
00:07:04,728 --> 00:07:06,643
Do you have enoughfive-oh silk?
140
00:07:06,643 --> 00:07:09,124
I got plenty ofeverything but patient.
141
00:07:09,124 --> 00:07:11,431
I wish I had yoursense of humor, Doctor.
142
00:07:11,431 --> 00:07:13,607
I wish I did too.
143
00:07:16,044 --> 00:07:18,002
Gentlemen and lady,
144
00:07:18,002 --> 00:07:19,177
we have a true hero
with us today.
145
00:07:19,177 --> 00:07:20,396
Sit down, Kornhaus.
146
00:07:20,396 --> 00:07:22,485
A man with true
esprit de corps.
147
00:07:22,485 --> 00:07:24,835
A man who knows what troop
morale really means.
148
00:07:24,835 --> 00:07:26,271
Burns, do me a favor.
149
00:07:26,271 --> 00:07:27,795
Anything, sir.
150
00:07:27,795 --> 00:07:30,275
Stick a handful of
retractors in your mouth.
151
00:07:30,275 --> 00:07:32,843
But, Colonel,
Kornhaus went to bat
152
00:07:32,843 --> 00:07:34,323
for the honor
of the 4077th.
153
00:07:34,323 --> 00:07:35,846
He may be
a little bloody,
154
00:07:35,846 --> 00:07:37,282
but you ought to see
the other guy.
155
00:07:37,282 --> 00:07:38,588
Right, Kornhaus?
156
00:07:38,588 --> 00:07:39,937
Naw, he looks pretty good.
157
00:07:39,937 --> 00:07:41,765
Yeah, I'll bet.
158
00:07:41,765 --> 00:07:43,245
You're okay, Kornhaus.
159
00:07:43,245 --> 00:07:44,551
Well, you're
in good hands.
160
00:07:44,551 --> 00:07:45,987
Just a little
Mercurochrome.
161
00:07:45,987 --> 00:07:48,119
This isn't gonna sting,is it, Doc?
162
00:07:48,119 --> 00:07:49,730
Soldier, it's gonna
hurt me more than you.
163
00:07:49,730 --> 00:07:51,819
Frank's so clumsy,he's probably right.
164
00:07:51,819 --> 00:07:54,343
Colonel, will you tell Piercenot to call me clumsy
165
00:07:54,343 --> 00:07:55,649
in front of Major Houlihan?
166
00:07:55,649 --> 00:07:58,129
It's too late, Burns.She already knows.
167
00:07:58,129 --> 00:08:00,044
Boy, this is tough.
168
00:08:00,044 --> 00:08:01,524
One of the toughest.
169
00:08:03,570 --> 00:08:05,920
This place is a mess.
170
00:08:05,920 --> 00:08:07,008
[chuckles]
171
00:08:07,008 --> 00:08:08,444
Get it? A mess?
172
00:08:08,444 --> 00:08:09,880
I made a joke.[chuckles]
173
00:08:09,880 --> 00:08:11,360
So did your father.
174
00:08:11,360 --> 00:08:13,536
No, I meanit's really a mess.
175
00:08:13,536 --> 00:08:15,016
Why don't youand some of the nurses
176
00:08:15,016 --> 00:08:16,713
-decorate it up a little?-In war, Frank,
177
00:08:16,713 --> 00:08:18,628
decorations belong
on a soldier's chest.
178
00:08:18,628 --> 00:08:19,803
That's true.
179
00:08:19,803 --> 00:08:21,805
Like my fiancé,
Colonel Penobscott--
180
00:08:21,805 --> 00:08:24,373
a soldier's soldier,
a fighter.
181
00:08:24,373 --> 00:08:26,288
Oh, yeah? You wantto see a fighter?
182
00:08:26,288 --> 00:08:28,290
I'll show you a fighter.
183
00:08:28,290 --> 00:08:30,031
-Zale.
-Yes, sir?
184
00:08:30,031 --> 00:08:32,294
-Tell the major
about Rosie's Bar.
-Huh?
185
00:08:32,294 --> 00:08:34,426
You know, how you defendedthe honor of the 4077th
186
00:08:34,426 --> 00:08:36,690
-with your fists.-Ah, I didn't need no fists.
187
00:08:36,690 --> 00:08:39,867
I use these.I'm great at eye gouging.
188
00:08:39,867 --> 00:08:42,652
[chuckles]An eye gouger. An animal.
189
00:08:42,652 --> 00:08:45,133
-And he takes orders from me.
-Uhh.
190
00:08:47,875 --> 00:08:50,312
What are you doin' here, Zale?This is where people eat.
191
00:08:50,312 --> 00:08:52,532
Beat it. I'll give
you 10 seconds.
192
00:08:52,532 --> 00:08:54,142
You can't countthat high.
193
00:08:54,142 --> 00:08:56,927
You sold out your own
buddies, Benedict Arnold.
194
00:08:56,927 --> 00:08:59,364
Excuse me,
Mrs. Benedict Arnold.
195
00:08:59,364 --> 00:09:01,062
I accept your apology.
196
00:09:01,062 --> 00:09:03,325
-Come on, move it.
-Watch it.
197
00:09:03,325 --> 00:09:05,675
I wouldn't wanna get
you mad or nothin'.
198
00:09:05,675 --> 00:09:07,982
Good, 'cause when Iget pushed, I get sore.
199
00:09:07,982 --> 00:09:10,158
-You like mashed potatoes?-Yeah.
200
00:09:10,158 --> 00:09:12,508
Good. Have mine!
201
00:09:13,640 --> 00:09:15,337
Thanks. Here.
202
00:09:15,337 --> 00:09:17,426
Here's some lemon pie!
203
00:09:18,862 --> 00:09:20,211
[shouting]
204
00:09:21,822 --> 00:09:24,389
Make them stop, Frank!
205
00:09:24,389 --> 00:09:26,000
Or are you afraid?
206
00:09:26,000 --> 00:09:28,176
Oh, come on, guys.
Stop it!
207
00:09:28,176 --> 00:09:29,612
Please?
208
00:09:29,612 --> 00:09:32,528
-Ow!
-They won't stop.
209
00:09:32,528 --> 00:09:34,399
MARGARET:
All right, knock it off!
210
00:09:34,399 --> 00:09:37,185
Knock it off!
211
00:09:37,185 --> 00:09:39,404
There's no excuse for thissort of animal behavior,
212
00:09:39,404 --> 00:09:40,667
not even from enlisted.
213
00:09:40,667 --> 00:09:42,799
Major, I'll handle this.
214
00:09:42,799 --> 00:09:44,105
All right, who started it?
215
00:09:44,105 --> 00:09:45,889
-He did!
-He did!
216
00:09:45,889 --> 00:09:47,717
Well, we'll never getto the bottom of this.
217
00:09:47,717 --> 00:09:49,066
Shake hands and forget it.
218
00:09:49,066 --> 00:09:50,938
Wait a second!
Clean that up.
219
00:09:50,938 --> 00:09:52,722
Are you gonna let
them off that easy?
220
00:09:52,722 --> 00:09:54,898
Well, what elsecan I do?
221
00:09:54,898 --> 00:09:57,335
Well, Donald certainly
wouldn't have handled
it that way.
222
00:09:57,335 --> 00:09:59,511
Well, I'm not interestedin how Donald would havehandled it.
223
00:09:59,511 --> 00:10:00,991
How would hehave handled it?
224
00:10:00,991 --> 00:10:02,427
He'd make them
fight it out.
225
00:10:02,427 --> 00:10:04,386
That's exactlywhat I was going to do.
226
00:10:04,386 --> 00:10:05,996
-Really?
-Of course.
227
00:10:05,996 --> 00:10:08,303
All right, now listen,you two bozos.
228
00:10:08,303 --> 00:10:10,871
Tomorrow, 1600 hours,
near the latrine.
229
00:10:10,871 --> 00:10:12,307
You're gonna put on the mitts,
230
00:10:12,307 --> 00:10:13,961
and we're gonna see whothe best man really is.
231
00:10:13,961 --> 00:10:15,789
¿Comprende?Good.
232
00:10:15,789 --> 00:10:18,400
Now, the first man
knocked unconscious
233
00:10:18,400 --> 00:10:20,271
will be the loser.
Dismissed.
234
00:10:22,709 --> 00:10:24,536
Frank, that took
real guts.
235
00:10:24,536 --> 00:10:25,973
It did?Well, of course it did.
236
00:10:25,973 --> 00:10:27,844
Sometimes an officer has
to break regulations.
237
00:10:27,844 --> 00:10:29,237
-What?
-Just make sure
238
00:10:29,237 --> 00:10:30,847
Colonel Potter
doesn't hear about it.
239
00:10:30,847 --> 00:10:32,675
Well, who's afraidof Colonel Potter?
240
00:10:32,675 --> 00:10:35,025
1600 hours, he'll beexercising his horse.
241
00:10:35,025 --> 00:10:36,244
[chuckling]
242
00:10:36,244 --> 00:10:37,767
Besides, a man'sgot to be a man,
243
00:10:37,767 --> 00:10:39,160
or he's not a man.
244
00:10:39,160 --> 00:10:40,988
Now, the rule book mayfrown on it, Margaret,
245
00:10:40,988 --> 00:10:42,903
but war is war.
246
00:10:42,903 --> 00:10:44,905
Did you takemy raisin bun?
247
00:10:52,434 --> 00:10:55,393
How you feeling, Billy?
248
00:10:55,393 --> 00:10:57,352
That's a stupid question.You feel lousy.
249
00:10:57,352 --> 00:11:01,573
No, I feel okay.
250
00:11:01,573 --> 00:11:05,795
I mean, the leg hurts,
but it's there.
251
00:11:05,795 --> 00:11:08,668
So I feel pretty good.
252
00:11:09,669 --> 00:11:11,671
Listen, Billy...
253
00:11:11,671 --> 00:11:15,370
You know, I played a whole
quarter against Michigan
254
00:11:15,370 --> 00:11:17,154
with a sprained ankle.
255
00:11:17,154 --> 00:11:18,503
Hurt worse than this.
256
00:11:19,461 --> 00:11:20,854
Listen, Billy, we tried,
257
00:11:20,854 --> 00:11:23,421
but the arterywas just too busted up.
258
00:11:23,421 --> 00:11:25,206
The operation didn't work.
259
00:11:25,206 --> 00:11:27,295
We couldn't save it.
260
00:11:27,295 --> 00:11:29,689
What do you mean?
261
00:11:29,689 --> 00:11:32,474
I feel that leg, Doc.
262
00:11:32,474 --> 00:11:34,084
It's there.
263
00:11:34,084 --> 00:11:37,218
No, that pain you think isin your leg is in your head.
264
00:11:37,218 --> 00:11:39,873
It's called a phantom pain.It's just a leftover.
265
00:11:39,873 --> 00:11:41,875
But it's there.
266
00:11:45,008 --> 00:11:48,838
I'm not gonna listento some phantom pain bull.
267
00:12:07,814 --> 00:12:11,556
Oh, my God.
268
00:12:11,556 --> 00:12:13,428
What did you guys do to me?
269
00:12:14,559 --> 00:12:17,301
We had to, Billy.
270
00:12:17,301 --> 00:12:20,000
You had no right.
271
00:12:20,000 --> 00:12:22,698
You had no right to do it.
272
00:12:22,698 --> 00:12:24,482
Easy, Sergeant.Take it easy.
273
00:12:24,482 --> 00:12:27,268
What's another leg
or arm to you?
274
00:12:27,268 --> 00:12:29,052
Billy, there wasjust too much damage.
275
00:12:29,052 --> 00:12:30,793
We did everything wecould to save your leg.
276
00:12:30,793 --> 00:12:32,708
You didn't do enough.
277
00:12:32,708 --> 00:12:34,623
Listen, I know what
you're going through.
278
00:12:34,623 --> 00:12:36,538
No, you don't.
279
00:12:36,538 --> 00:12:39,367
There's no way you
could possibly know.
280
00:12:39,367 --> 00:12:41,804
You're angry. I'd feelthe same way if I were you.
281
00:12:41,804 --> 00:12:44,198
You're not me.
282
00:12:44,198 --> 00:12:47,549
Don't tell me
how I should feel.
283
00:12:47,549 --> 00:12:49,290
Sergeant,you need your rest.
284
00:12:49,290 --> 00:12:51,118
Why don't you try
to get some sleep?
285
00:12:51,118 --> 00:12:54,295
Why don't you go to hell?
286
00:13:03,217 --> 00:13:05,262
Is it animal, vegetable,or mineral?
287
00:13:05,262 --> 00:13:06,742
B.J.: Yes.
288
00:13:06,742 --> 00:13:08,439
Come on, which one?
289
00:13:08,439 --> 00:13:10,180
Animal.
290
00:13:10,180 --> 00:13:11,660
A cold-blooded animal?
291
00:13:11,660 --> 00:13:13,140
Yes.
292
00:13:13,140 --> 00:13:15,533
Then it's either
a snake or Frank Burns.
293
00:13:15,533 --> 00:13:16,621
Same thing.
294
00:13:18,841 --> 00:13:20,625
You know, I never
get used to it.
295
00:13:22,497 --> 00:13:24,368
I always feel there's somethingmore I should've done.
296
00:13:24,368 --> 00:13:27,850
You did everythingthat was humanly possible.
297
00:13:27,850 --> 00:13:30,113
I know how it'ssupposed to go for them.
298
00:13:30,113 --> 00:13:33,116
Shock, anger, readjustment.
299
00:13:33,116 --> 00:13:35,249
But all we ever see isthe shock and the anger.
300
00:13:35,249 --> 00:13:36,728
Hawk,look what you're doing.
301
00:13:36,728 --> 00:13:38,252
You're punishing yourselfwith guilt.
302
00:13:38,252 --> 00:13:41,995
I think I'm having
an identity crisis.
303
00:13:41,995 --> 00:13:44,301
I know I'm Dr. Pierce,
but I want to be God.
304
00:13:44,301 --> 00:13:47,130
If you ever get the job,don't forget your old friends.
305
00:13:47,130 --> 00:13:48,610
[knock knock]
306
00:13:48,610 --> 00:13:50,481
Excuse me, sirs.
Am I disturbing you, sirs?
307
00:13:50,481 --> 00:13:52,266
No. Come on in, Radar.
308
00:13:52,266 --> 00:13:54,616
You guys mind
if I have a drink?
309
00:13:54,616 --> 00:13:56,313
No, go ahead.
310
00:13:56,313 --> 00:13:58,141
I thought your liverwas still a virgin.
311
00:13:58,141 --> 00:14:00,404
Don't be silly. I'm a man.
312
00:14:02,015 --> 00:14:03,146
[gasping]
313
00:14:04,408 --> 00:14:06,367
And you thought we
enjoyed this stuff.
314
00:14:06,367 --> 00:14:09,022
I thought this stuff
was supposed to make
you feel better.
315
00:14:09,022 --> 00:14:11,763
No. It's supposed tomake you feel nothing.
316
00:14:11,763 --> 00:14:14,288
Maybe I ought to take
some over for Billy.
317
00:14:14,288 --> 00:14:16,246
That's not
what he needs.
318
00:14:16,246 --> 00:14:18,727
I know. But, boy, he was sucha great football player.
319
00:14:18,727 --> 00:14:20,381
What's he supposed to do now?
320
00:14:20,381 --> 00:14:22,818
Hey, Radar, there's more tolife than playing football.
321
00:14:22,818 --> 00:14:24,864
Oh, I know, but gee.
322
00:14:26,735 --> 00:14:28,519
I'd like to go over and
talk to him in the morning,
323
00:14:28,519 --> 00:14:29,781
you know, keep him company.
324
00:14:30,826 --> 00:14:32,045
Why don't you?
325
00:14:32,045 --> 00:14:34,482
I-I just don't know
what to say.
326
00:14:35,744 --> 00:14:37,093
Well, if you find
the right words,
327
00:14:37,093 --> 00:14:38,878
let me know.
I sure could use them.
328
00:14:38,878 --> 00:14:41,793
Yes, sir.
329
00:14:44,274 --> 00:14:45,710
What are you doing here,
pipsqueak?
330
00:14:45,710 --> 00:14:47,060
I'm leaving, sir.
331
00:14:47,060 --> 00:14:48,670
Don't make excuses.
Just get out.
332
00:14:48,670 --> 00:14:50,237
HAWKEYE:Frank, why don't youswallow your face?
333
00:14:50,237 --> 00:14:52,021
He did. That's whyhe looks that way.
334
00:14:52,021 --> 00:14:53,588
What was he doing in here?
335
00:14:53,588 --> 00:14:55,285
Something you wouldn't
understand, Frank.
336
00:14:55,285 --> 00:14:57,113
He was talkingintelligently.
337
00:14:57,113 --> 00:14:58,636
He was talking
about me, wasn't he?
338
00:14:58,636 --> 00:15:00,073
Oh, gee, let me think.
339
00:15:00,073 --> 00:15:02,292
Did Radar use
the word "jerk"?
340
00:15:02,292 --> 00:15:05,295
That rotten fink.
He snitched.
341
00:15:05,295 --> 00:15:07,167
He spilled the beans,
didn't he?
342
00:15:07,167 --> 00:15:09,865
Yeah, he told usall about you.
343
00:15:09,865 --> 00:15:13,086
And I set up that fight
to be top secret.
344
00:15:13,086 --> 00:15:15,436
Well, you did a good jobtill a couple of seconds ago.
345
00:15:15,436 --> 00:15:17,003
If you rat on me,
346
00:15:17,003 --> 00:15:19,353
Klinger and Zale are
gonna get in trouble too.
347
00:15:19,353 --> 00:15:20,963
Why would we rat on you?A fight sounds like fun.
348
00:15:20,963 --> 00:15:22,225
Yeah, I like to
see a couple guys
349
00:15:22,225 --> 00:15:23,618
beat the hell out
of each other.
350
00:15:23,618 --> 00:15:25,141
It makes you
forget the war.
351
00:15:25,141 --> 00:15:27,665
Well, you see? There aresome things we can agree on.
352
00:15:27,665 --> 00:15:29,667
[chuckling]
353
00:15:29,667 --> 00:15:31,974
1600 hours, tomorrow,
near the latrine.
354
00:15:31,974 --> 00:15:33,889
The latrine.A perfect spot.
355
00:15:33,889 --> 00:15:36,065
-I picked the site myself.-HAWKEYE: Figures, Frank.
356
00:15:36,065 --> 00:15:38,502
The body goes
where the mind is.
357
00:15:44,769 --> 00:15:46,554
Klinger, are you keeping fitor having one?
358
00:15:46,554 --> 00:15:48,599
Oh, uh, I missed calisthenicsthis morning, sir.
359
00:15:48,599 --> 00:15:50,297
We don't havecalisthenics.
360
00:15:50,297 --> 00:15:52,168
No wonder I missed them.
361
00:15:52,168 --> 00:15:54,040
Knock it off, Klinger.I know all about the fight.
362
00:15:54,040 --> 00:15:55,737
Where's Zale?
363
00:15:55,737 --> 00:15:57,695
He's working out,
two tents over.
364
00:15:57,695 --> 00:15:59,306
Come with me, Princess.
365
00:16:02,091 --> 00:16:03,701
Does this mean
we're going steady?
366
00:16:03,701 --> 00:16:05,442
You're notexactly my type.
367
00:16:05,442 --> 00:16:07,836
Tell the truth.
It's my big nose, isn't it?
368
00:16:07,836 --> 00:16:10,621
Your nose isn't too big.Your face is too small.
369
00:16:10,621 --> 00:16:12,188
Looks aren't everything,
you know.
370
00:16:12,188 --> 00:16:13,842
Easy for you to say.
371
00:16:13,842 --> 00:16:15,626
[slapping]
372
00:16:15,626 --> 00:16:17,498
Ooh. Ooh.
373
00:16:18,760 --> 00:16:21,284
-Zale? Zale!
-Sir?
374
00:16:21,284 --> 00:16:22,720
What were you just doing?
375
00:16:22,720 --> 00:16:24,766
Oh, I was just
trying to tighten up
the face muscles.
376
00:16:24,766 --> 00:16:26,246
Tight face, loose brains.
377
00:16:26,246 --> 00:16:27,682
How would you like
some loose teeth?
378
00:16:27,682 --> 00:16:29,205
Hold it! Hold it!
379
00:16:29,205 --> 00:16:30,946
You know, you two area couple of real suckers.
380
00:16:30,946 --> 00:16:32,165
What are you talking about?
381
00:16:32,165 --> 00:16:33,818
Whose idea was this fight?
382
00:16:33,818 --> 00:16:35,081
-Wasn't mine.
-Wasn't mine.
383
00:16:35,081 --> 00:16:36,560
Then it had to besomebody with less brains
384
00:16:36,560 --> 00:16:38,258
than the two of
you put together.
385
00:16:38,258 --> 00:16:39,607
Yes, sir.It was Major Burns.
386
00:16:39,607 --> 00:16:41,348
Don't you see what he's doing?
387
00:16:41,348 --> 00:16:42,697
He's getting you twoto punch each other silly
388
00:16:42,697 --> 00:16:44,438
so he can feel
more like a man.
389
00:16:44,438 --> 00:16:47,745
-You really think so?
-Is Eisenhower bald?
390
00:16:47,745 --> 00:16:49,530
Shake hands
and bury the hatchet.
391
00:16:49,530 --> 00:16:51,967
Okay. Put your hand out
and I'll shake it.
392
00:16:51,967 --> 00:16:53,490
Put yours out first.
393
00:16:53,490 --> 00:16:55,014
-After you.
-Baloney!
394
00:16:55,014 --> 00:16:56,363
-You put your hand out.-I don't believe it.
395
00:16:56,363 --> 00:16:57,668
Two guys looking
for a handout.
396
00:16:57,668 --> 00:16:59,192
You afraid I'm
gonna break it?
397
00:16:59,192 --> 00:17:00,845
You couldn't breakan egg with a hammer.
398
00:17:00,845 --> 00:17:02,891
-I'll crack you.
-Well, if you need
any more help,
399
00:17:02,891 --> 00:17:04,632
please hesitate to call.Come on.
400
00:17:04,632 --> 00:17:06,547
See you later,
buzzard beak.
401
00:17:06,547 --> 00:17:09,419
If my dog had your face,I'd shave his butt
402
00:17:09,419 --> 00:17:11,073
and teach himto walk backwards.
403
00:17:11,073 --> 00:17:12,727
Come on.
404
00:17:12,727 --> 00:17:14,859
Go take a shower,
Klinger. Cool off.
405
00:17:14,859 --> 00:17:16,122
RADAR: Hawkeye!
406
00:17:16,122 --> 00:17:17,688
Hawk, you gottacome talk to Billy.
407
00:17:17,688 --> 00:17:19,777
-What's the matter? -He wantsout.
408
00:17:19,777 --> 00:17:21,431
What are you talking about?
He's getting out.
409
00:17:21,431 --> 00:17:24,391
No, he wants out-out.He wants to be dead.
410
00:17:24,391 --> 00:17:26,175
He asked for somepills or somethin'.
411
00:17:26,175 --> 00:17:28,656
-[sighing]
-Damn.
412
00:17:36,011 --> 00:17:38,405
-How you doing?
-Not so good.
413
00:17:38,405 --> 00:17:41,060
Word has it you wanna
retire permanently.
414
00:17:41,060 --> 00:17:42,844
You got it, Doc.
415
00:17:42,844 --> 00:17:44,802
They don't make footballuniforms with one leg.
416
00:17:44,802 --> 00:17:46,282
Yeah, you're right.
417
00:17:46,282 --> 00:17:48,023
Once you lose a leg,
nothing works anymore.
418
00:17:48,023 --> 00:17:50,939
Your eyes, your mouth,your hands, your brain.
419
00:17:50,939 --> 00:17:52,332
You might as well
chuck it all.
420
00:17:52,332 --> 00:17:54,899
Don't try to con me.
421
00:17:54,899 --> 00:17:56,597
Playing ball was all I had.
422
00:17:56,597 --> 00:17:58,033
It's the only thing I know.
423
00:17:58,033 --> 00:17:59,730
And without that,
you're nothing.
424
00:17:59,730 --> 00:18:01,732
Listen, I'm not stupid.
425
00:18:01,732 --> 00:18:03,517
I know what you're
trying to do.
426
00:18:03,517 --> 00:18:05,084
You're trying to get meto stand on my own two feet.
427
00:18:05,084 --> 00:18:07,390
Well, I can't do
that anymore.
428
00:18:07,390 --> 00:18:10,872
[sigh]
Maybe you are stupid.
429
00:18:10,872 --> 00:18:12,482
What?
430
00:18:12,482 --> 00:18:14,093
Well, if you think all you
can do is play football,
431
00:18:14,093 --> 00:18:16,878
you have a pretty
narrow view of life.
432
00:18:16,878 --> 00:18:18,575
What were you gonna do
when you turned 40?
433
00:18:18,575 --> 00:18:20,969
I was gonna look back
on a great career.
434
00:18:20,969 --> 00:18:23,406
Well, now you're gonna
have to look forward
to something else.
435
00:18:23,406 --> 00:18:25,016
Like what?
436
00:18:25,016 --> 00:18:28,107
The only thing I knew
how to do was run.
437
00:18:28,107 --> 00:18:31,458
You're still
running, Billy.
438
00:18:31,458 --> 00:18:33,416
Only now you're
running away.
439
00:18:46,908 --> 00:18:50,433
Sergeant, have you
got a minute?
440
00:18:50,433 --> 00:18:52,392
What is it, Corporal?
441
00:18:52,392 --> 00:18:54,872
Uh, I got something
I wanna show you.
442
00:18:54,872 --> 00:18:57,005
It's Lifemagazine.
443
00:18:57,005 --> 00:18:58,572
There's an article in here
444
00:18:58,572 --> 00:19:00,313
on last year's
Iowa-Minnesota game.
445
00:19:00,313 --> 00:19:02,053
Oh, I just got it.
446
00:19:02,053 --> 00:19:04,621
The mail's a little
slow, you know. Look.
447
00:19:04,621 --> 00:19:07,015
There's a picture right hereof you getting tackled.
448
00:19:07,015 --> 00:19:10,932
Yeah, that was in
the first quarter.
449
00:19:10,932 --> 00:19:12,890
Were they wiping us up.
450
00:19:12,890 --> 00:19:14,414
Yeah, I know.
451
00:19:14,414 --> 00:19:16,677
I listened to that gameon Armed Forces Radio.
452
00:19:16,677 --> 00:19:18,157
Boy, what a finish.
453
00:19:18,157 --> 00:19:20,811
I was sitting therescreaming, "Go, Iowa!
454
00:19:20,811 --> 00:19:22,944
"Go, Tyler!Get 'em! Get 'em!"
455
00:19:22,944 --> 00:19:26,034
That was one hell of a game.
456
00:19:26,034 --> 00:19:28,776
Minnesota had us
stopped dead.
457
00:19:28,776 --> 00:19:30,517
What defense.
458
00:19:30,517 --> 00:19:32,127
We couldn't
move up the middle,
459
00:19:32,127 --> 00:19:33,346
we couldn't go wide,
460
00:19:33,346 --> 00:19:34,956
and whenever we
went to the bomb,
461
00:19:34,956 --> 00:19:36,349
-they intercepted.
-Yeah, I know.
462
00:19:36,349 --> 00:19:38,002
Iowa could hardly
move the ball at all.
463
00:19:38,002 --> 00:19:39,482
They had us stopped cold,
464
00:19:39,482 --> 00:19:42,093
down to the lasttwo minutes of the game.
465
00:19:42,093 --> 00:19:44,792
So we went to the short pass,
466
00:19:44,792 --> 00:19:48,012
dumping quick ones
just over the line.
467
00:19:48,012 --> 00:19:50,450
And we slowly movedthe ball down the field.
468
00:19:50,450 --> 00:19:52,974
And then you dove overin the last 20 seconds.
469
00:19:52,974 --> 00:19:56,760
It was those short
passes that did it.
470
00:19:56,760 --> 00:19:59,067
There's always
a way to beat 'em.
471
00:19:59,067 --> 00:20:03,245
You just have to keeptrying till you find it.
472
00:20:19,957 --> 00:20:21,568
All right, where's
the ring announcer?
473
00:20:21,568 --> 00:20:22,917
Here, sir.
474
00:20:25,441 --> 00:20:26,964
Will you hurry up?
475
00:20:29,489 --> 00:20:31,273
You nincompoop!
476
00:20:31,273 --> 00:20:32,622
I'm sorry, sir.
477
00:20:32,622 --> 00:20:33,884
I was never very
good at ropes.
478
00:20:33,884 --> 00:20:35,234
-Make the announcement.-Yes, sir.
479
00:20:35,234 --> 00:20:36,626
[clears throat]
480
00:20:36,626 --> 00:20:37,714
Oh, bell.
481
00:20:37,714 --> 00:20:39,629
[clanging]
482
00:20:39,629 --> 00:20:40,978
In this corner,
483
00:20:40,978 --> 00:20:43,981
wearing olive drab trunks,from Brooklyn,
484
00:20:43,981 --> 00:20:47,637
"Smile when you say that"Sergeant "Killer" Zale.
485
00:20:47,637 --> 00:20:48,812
Hey! Yeah!
486
00:20:48,812 --> 00:20:51,511
[cheers and jeers]
487
00:20:51,511 --> 00:20:53,077
Isn't this exciting,Major?
488
00:20:53,077 --> 00:20:55,123
People fighting,punching each other out?
489
00:20:55,123 --> 00:20:56,951
Of course it isn't.
I think it's barbaric.
490
00:20:56,951 --> 00:20:58,126
And you wouldn't
miss it for the world.
491
00:20:58,126 --> 00:20:59,214
Right.
492
00:20:59,214 --> 00:21:00,476
[clanging]
493
00:21:00,476 --> 00:21:02,913
And in this corner,
494
00:21:02,913 --> 00:21:05,829
wearing pink pedal pushers,a polka-dot blouse,
495
00:21:05,829 --> 00:21:07,744
and a swell cherry hat,
496
00:21:07,744 --> 00:21:09,964
from Toledo, Ohio,
497
00:21:09,964 --> 00:21:14,664
Corporal Max "I'll do anythingto get out" Klinger!
498
00:21:14,664 --> 00:21:16,797
[cheering]
499
00:21:19,147 --> 00:21:20,714
Animals.
500
00:21:22,237 --> 00:21:23,630
Okay, you guys
know the rules.
501
00:21:23,630 --> 00:21:25,675
I want a nice, clean fight.
502
00:21:25,675 --> 00:21:27,677
And if you can't do that,anything goes.
503
00:21:27,677 --> 00:21:29,984
You got that? All right,now back to your corners,
504
00:21:29,984 --> 00:21:31,855
and come out at
the sound of the bell.
505
00:21:33,030 --> 00:21:34,771
Be careful in there.
506
00:21:34,771 --> 00:21:36,556
I'd hate to see a nice outfitlike that get ruined.
507
00:21:36,556 --> 00:21:38,079
Don't worry, Captain.We got it all worked out.
508
00:21:38,079 --> 00:21:39,820
-[clanging]-I think that's for me.
509
00:21:39,820 --> 00:21:41,474
It's not for me.
510
00:21:41,474 --> 00:21:43,867
[spectator chatter]
511
00:21:52,572 --> 00:21:54,225
Aw, why don't they
hit each other?
512
00:21:54,225 --> 00:21:55,966
They're just dancing around.
513
00:21:55,966 --> 00:21:58,491
I think they went
to the Arthur Murray
school of boxing.
514
00:21:58,491 --> 00:22:00,710
Come on, you guys, mix it up!
515
00:22:00,710 --> 00:22:02,364
Throw some punches.
That's an order.
516
00:22:02,364 --> 00:22:04,888
[spectators shout]
517
00:22:04,888 --> 00:22:06,890
Come on, mix it up!
518
00:22:06,890 --> 00:22:09,763
[shouting continues]
519
00:22:09,763 --> 00:22:12,200
Come on, fight,
you bums!
520
00:22:13,506 --> 00:22:15,116
[cheering]
521
00:22:16,422 --> 00:22:18,249
Frank sure knows how
to put on a fight.
522
00:22:18,249 --> 00:22:20,208
It was a knockout.
523
00:22:20,208 --> 00:22:21,818
It just provesthe old adage:
524
00:22:21,818 --> 00:22:24,125
He who lives by the mouthgets punched in it.
525
00:22:24,125 --> 00:22:25,344
How old is that adage?
526
00:22:25,344 --> 00:22:27,258
At least threeor four seconds.
527
00:22:35,528 --> 00:22:37,921
There we go.
528
00:22:37,921 --> 00:22:40,707
Well, so long, Billy.
529
00:22:40,707 --> 00:22:42,361
I'm gonna miss
talking to you.
530
00:22:42,361 --> 00:22:43,927
Yeah.
531
00:22:43,927 --> 00:22:45,451
I'm gonna miss
you too, Walter.
532
00:22:45,451 --> 00:22:48,454
Billy and me call each otherby our first names.
533
00:22:48,454 --> 00:22:49,629
Did you make
any decisions yet?
534
00:22:49,629 --> 00:22:53,241
I decided to goto the short pass.
535
00:22:53,241 --> 00:22:54,938
-Hey.
-How's that?
536
00:22:54,938 --> 00:22:56,592
Oh, I'll explain itto you later.
537
00:22:56,592 --> 00:22:59,465
Oh, by the way, Doc...
538
00:22:59,465 --> 00:23:01,641
I know you did all you could.
539
00:23:03,033 --> 00:23:04,818
Thank you.
540
00:23:07,560 --> 00:23:09,170
Good luck, Billy.
541
00:23:19,049 --> 00:23:21,443
You know something?
542
00:23:21,443 --> 00:23:23,576
I think he's
gonna be okay.
543
00:23:23,576 --> 00:23:25,404
I hope so.
544
00:23:25,404 --> 00:23:27,014
What was that he saidabout the short pass?
545
00:23:27,014 --> 00:23:29,016
It means he's gonna try.
546
00:23:29,016 --> 00:23:30,670
Hey, Captain, what do you saywe go over to Rosie's Bar
547
00:23:30,670 --> 00:23:32,889
and get a drink?
My treat.
548
00:23:32,889 --> 00:23:34,630
Thanks, Radar.
549
00:23:34,630 --> 00:23:36,980
Can you get drunk
on grape Nehi?
550
00:23:36,980 --> 00:23:38,982
-I don't know. Let's find out.-Okay.
551
00:23:46,076 --> 00:23:47,991
-What happened?
-Huh?
552
00:23:47,991 --> 00:23:49,253
What happened?
553
00:23:49,253 --> 00:23:52,039
Of course I'm not happy.
They hit me.
554
00:23:52,039 --> 00:23:53,649
What do you want meto do, Burns,
555
00:23:53,649 --> 00:23:54,955
kiss it and make it better?
556
00:23:54,955 --> 00:23:56,130
I want Corporal Klinger
557
00:23:56,130 --> 00:23:58,132
and Sergeant Zale
court-martialed.
558
00:23:58,132 --> 00:23:59,568
Will that get meout of here, sir?
559
00:23:59,568 --> 00:24:01,875
Out of here
and into the stockade.
560
00:24:01,875 --> 00:24:03,485
One step too far.
561
00:24:03,485 --> 00:24:05,966
If we go to the stockade,we're not going alone.
562
00:24:05,966 --> 00:24:07,446
You wouldn't dare, you freak!
563
00:24:07,446 --> 00:24:08,882
Sticks and stones.
564
00:24:08,882 --> 00:24:10,405
Sir, what happensto officers
565
00:24:10,405 --> 00:24:13,321
-who break regulations?-Several of them.
566
00:24:13,321 --> 00:24:16,106
They get bustedand thrown in the stockade.
567
00:24:16,106 --> 00:24:17,760
It's up to you.
568
00:24:17,760 --> 00:24:20,415
Should we air our dirtylingerie in public, sir?
569
00:24:20,415 --> 00:24:21,982
Uh, let's not.
570
00:24:21,982 --> 00:24:23,505
Colonel, permission
to drop all charges.
571
00:24:23,505 --> 00:24:25,376
Permission granted.Dismissed.
572
00:24:26,726 --> 00:24:28,249
I thought you handled
that very well, sir.
573
00:24:28,249 --> 00:24:29,380
What?
574
00:24:29,380 --> 00:24:30,860
He said you'rean idiot, Major.
575
00:24:30,860 --> 00:24:32,732
-He said what?
-I can't hear you.
576
00:24:36,257 --> 00:24:37,737
[theme music playing]
40108
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.