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1
00:00:01,349 --> 00:00:04,221
[theme music playing]
2
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[operating room chatter]
3
00:01:02,453 --> 00:01:04,673
Doctor, do you want me
to hold that for you?
4
00:01:05,674 --> 00:01:08,111
-Uh, Nurse.
-Doctor?
5
00:01:08,111 --> 00:01:10,679
Scratch, please.Left interscapular.
6
00:01:10,679 --> 00:01:13,943
Ah... bullseye.
7
00:01:13,943 --> 00:01:15,162
Lucky shot.
8
00:01:15,162 --> 00:01:17,599
Lucky shot, nothing.
I know my anatomy.
9
00:01:17,599 --> 00:01:19,862
I wish I knew your anatomylike you know your anatomy.
10
00:01:19,862 --> 00:01:22,995
-[B.J.] Anybody? Time.
-About 0100.
11
00:01:22,995 --> 00:01:25,998
0100? I worked
around the clock.
12
00:01:25,998 --> 00:01:28,000
Sure beats workin' around here.
13
00:01:28,000 --> 00:01:30,177
I'm so bushed, I can'tremember my last patient.
14
00:01:30,177 --> 00:01:32,831
-He had quintuplets.
-Oh, yeah.
15
00:01:32,831 --> 00:01:34,616
Silencio!
16
00:01:34,616 --> 00:01:37,097
How can I operate with allthis flapdoodle going on?
17
00:01:37,097 --> 00:01:39,011
Where there's a war,
there's a way, Frank.
18
00:01:39,011 --> 00:01:41,101
Wipe.
19
00:01:41,101 --> 00:01:44,408
-How many more out there?-I counted 19 when I came in.
20
00:01:44,408 --> 00:01:47,716
Nineteen?There were 19 two hours ago.
21
00:01:47,716 --> 00:01:50,893
-They restock the shelveswhen they run out.
-I'm closing, Colonel.
22
00:01:50,893 --> 00:01:52,590
A couple more minutes,and I can take over for you.
23
00:01:52,590 --> 00:01:54,026
-Why?
-Why?
24
00:01:54,026 --> 00:01:55,593
Well, you must be dog-tired.
25
00:01:55,593 --> 00:01:58,030
Yes, but why me
more than anyone else?
26
00:01:58,030 --> 00:01:59,815
Oh, because you're old.
27
00:01:59,815 --> 00:02:01,730
Uh, older than
the rest of us, sir.
28
00:02:01,730 --> 00:02:04,124
And you look dead...
uh, beat.
29
00:02:04,124 --> 00:02:06,126
Major, I can match you
incision for incision,
30
00:02:06,126 --> 00:02:07,431
suture for suture,
31
00:02:07,431 --> 00:02:09,520
clamp for clamp,
patient for patient!
32
00:02:09,520 --> 00:02:11,305
But not goof for goof.
33
00:02:11,305 --> 00:02:13,350
Oh, mind your own kipper,Pierce.
34
00:02:13,350 --> 00:02:14,656
Sir, I was only trying--
35
00:02:14,656 --> 00:02:16,484
I know what
you were trying to do.
36
00:02:16,484 --> 00:02:19,400
I was the first man in.I'll be the last man out.
37
00:02:19,400 --> 00:02:21,967
[softly]If they have to carry me out.
38
00:02:29,932 --> 00:02:31,412
[sighs]
39
00:02:36,460 --> 00:02:38,810
-Hi, Klinger.
-What you got, Igor?
40
00:02:38,810 --> 00:02:41,204
-For Radar.
-I'll give it tothe fink when he gets back.
41
00:02:41,204 --> 00:02:44,294
-Why "fink"?-'Cause every time the finkgets a four-day pass
42
00:02:44,294 --> 00:02:45,774
I get stuck with the job.
43
00:02:45,774 --> 00:02:47,384
I may look like
the perfect secretary,
44
00:02:47,384 --> 00:02:48,864
but I'd rather dig latrines.
45
00:02:48,864 --> 00:02:52,128
-Look at those nails.
-Here, for you.
46
00:02:52,128 --> 00:02:53,695
Do you know what this is?
47
00:02:53,695 --> 00:02:57,046
This is the end to mybrilliant military career.
48
00:02:57,046 --> 00:02:59,483
-You're crazy.
-Not anymore.
49
00:02:59,483 --> 00:03:01,833
I got somethingbetter than crazy.
50
00:03:01,833 --> 00:03:03,400
If Frank Burns makes
51
00:03:03,400 --> 00:03:05,750
any more patronizing cracksabout my age,
52
00:03:05,750 --> 00:03:07,274
I'll take him
behind the motor pool
53
00:03:07,274 --> 00:03:08,797
and let the air
out of his tires.
54
00:03:08,797 --> 00:03:10,494
He didn't mean anythingby it, Colonel.
55
00:03:10,494 --> 00:03:12,409
He was only trying
to insult you.
56
00:03:12,409 --> 00:03:13,976
Colonel, I've gotto talk to you right away!
57
00:03:13,976 --> 00:03:15,586
Klinger,
go put on a dress.
58
00:03:15,586 --> 00:03:17,458
Pardon me, sir,did you call me "Klinger"?
59
00:03:17,458 --> 00:03:19,634
If you aren't Klinger,
who the Sam Hill are you?
60
00:03:19,634 --> 00:03:21,026
Sam Hill maybe.
61
00:03:21,026 --> 00:03:23,377
I am Zoltan,
King of the Gypsies.
62
00:03:23,377 --> 00:03:25,074
You just made my day.
63
00:03:25,074 --> 00:03:27,032
Zoltan, King of the Gypsies,
64
00:03:27,032 --> 00:03:29,600
you're talking yourself intoa court-martial, soldier.
65
00:03:29,600 --> 00:03:31,646
You can't court-martial me.I'm not in the army.
66
00:03:31,646 --> 00:03:33,387
-Not in the army?
-No, sir.
67
00:03:33,387 --> 00:03:35,302
I'm not an American citizen.
68
00:03:35,302 --> 00:03:36,955
I think he's on tosomething good here.
69
00:03:36,955 --> 00:03:39,175
I wouldn't miss it for allthe chipped beef in Korea.
70
00:03:39,175 --> 00:03:41,395
Klinger, how can you
be king of the Gypsies
71
00:03:41,395 --> 00:03:43,005
when you're Lebanese?
72
00:03:43,005 --> 00:03:44,311
Good question.
73
00:03:44,311 --> 00:03:46,008
I was stolen
from the Gypsies
74
00:03:46,008 --> 00:03:48,053
by two ruthless Lebanesepeasants who brought me up
75
00:03:48,053 --> 00:03:49,838
as their own
flesh and blood.
76
00:03:49,838 --> 00:03:52,493
I like this.
77
00:03:52,493 --> 00:03:54,538
Look, a signed confessionfrom the culprits.
78
00:03:54,538 --> 00:03:56,453
It's a signed confession,
all right.
79
00:03:56,453 --> 00:03:58,716
And I've been electedking of my whole tribe.
80
00:03:58,716 --> 00:04:01,023
This is an urgent request toreturn and ascend the throne.
81
00:04:01,023 --> 00:04:02,677
Sorry, I don't read Gypsy.
82
00:04:02,677 --> 00:04:04,331
-Take my word for it.
-Of course.
83
00:04:04,331 --> 00:04:06,333
I'll be waiting in my tentwith my bags packed.
84
00:04:06,333 --> 00:04:10,337
-You'll have a long wait.-Sir, my people need me.
85
00:04:10,337 --> 00:04:12,252
Klinger,if I bought this story,
86
00:04:12,252 --> 00:04:14,123
they'd boot me
out of the army.
87
00:04:14,123 --> 00:04:15,516
It's true.
88
00:04:15,516 --> 00:04:17,126
Now I know why
the sounds of violins
89
00:04:17,126 --> 00:04:18,736
set my blood on fire.
90
00:04:18,736 --> 00:04:20,869
Why I'm so attracted
to storefront windows.
91
00:04:20,869 --> 00:04:23,524
Why, when I smell paprika,I face toward Budapest.
92
00:04:23,524 --> 00:04:25,265
Why I have the urge to roam.
93
00:04:25,265 --> 00:04:27,354
Zoltan,roam the hell outta here.
94
00:04:27,354 --> 00:04:29,094
If you'd likeyour tea leaves read...
95
00:04:29,094 --> 00:04:30,922
-I prefer them green.
-POTTER: Dismissed.
96
00:04:30,922 --> 00:04:33,534
♪ Play gypsy, dance gypsy
97
00:04:33,534 --> 00:04:36,101
♪ Play while you may
98
00:04:36,101 --> 00:04:41,106
I think the king justgave himself a hernia.
99
00:04:41,106 --> 00:04:43,108
No more rhubarb,
Private?
100
00:04:43,108 --> 00:04:45,502
-All gone, sir.
-"All gone, sir"?
101
00:04:45,502 --> 00:04:48,462
I'd like to know how come
rhubarb always disappears
the minute I show up.
102
00:04:48,462 --> 00:04:50,246
It's not just rhubarb, Frank.People disappear.
103
00:04:50,246 --> 00:04:51,943
Stay out of this,
Snooping Sam.
104
00:04:51,943 --> 00:04:53,293
Frank, why do you alwaysgive me a bad time
105
00:04:53,293 --> 00:04:54,729
every time I give youa bad time?
106
00:04:54,729 --> 00:04:56,687
Aw, blow it out
your bagpipe.
107
00:04:56,687 --> 00:04:59,124
Hello, Major.May I join you for somepleasant conversation?
108
00:04:59,124 --> 00:05:03,303
Sure, Major.
Sit down and keep
your mouth shut.
109
00:05:03,303 --> 00:05:06,175
We just got a call fromKorean Army Hospital 426.
110
00:05:06,175 --> 00:05:08,220
They're screaming for
supplies and surgeons.
111
00:05:08,220 --> 00:05:09,744
They're up to their scalpelsin casualties.
112
00:05:09,744 --> 00:05:11,659
-They need our help.-Well, for criminy sakes!
113
00:05:11,659 --> 00:05:13,835
-We're surgeons, not supermen.-You can say that again.
114
00:05:13,835 --> 00:05:16,141
Oh, are you comparing us toyour Colonel Penobscott again?
115
00:05:16,141 --> 00:05:17,447
-Huh?
-If Donald were here,
116
00:05:17,447 --> 00:05:19,623
he'd be the first one
to volunteer.
117
00:05:19,623 --> 00:05:22,017
That's how he became engaged.She asked for volunteers.
118
00:05:22,017 --> 00:05:24,759
I heard that.
119
00:05:24,759 --> 00:05:28,023
-Here's your rhubarb, sir.-Oh, sure.
120
00:05:28,023 --> 00:05:30,808
I'll volunteer, sir.
Just say the word.
121
00:05:30,808 --> 00:05:32,897
Sorry, Major.They didn't ask for nurses,and I'm not offering.
122
00:05:32,897 --> 00:05:34,464
I'm dispatching
two surgeons
123
00:05:34,464 --> 00:05:36,466
and all the supplies
a jeep can carry.
124
00:05:36,466 --> 00:05:38,163
Oh, now how do we pick
the two surgeons?
125
00:05:38,163 --> 00:05:40,775
-Alphabetically
is fine with me.
-FRANK: Oh, sure!
126
00:05:40,775 --> 00:05:42,603
Captain Pierce begins
with a "P,"
127
00:05:42,603 --> 00:05:44,518
and that puts Major Burnswith a "B" right at the top.
128
00:05:44,518 --> 00:05:47,129
-Really?
-Don't blow
your top yet, Major.
129
00:05:47,129 --> 00:05:49,827
-It won't be alphabetical.-I suggest straws, sir.
130
00:05:49,827 --> 00:05:51,263
Two shortest out of three
131
00:05:51,263 --> 00:05:53,265
-pulls the duty.-Where do you get three?
132
00:05:53,265 --> 00:05:55,442
Well, Burns, one, Pierce, two,
Hunnicutt, three.
133
00:05:55,442 --> 00:05:58,401
-Potter, four.
-You, sir?
134
00:05:58,401 --> 00:06:00,055
Yes, me.
135
00:06:00,055 --> 00:06:02,405
But, sir,
you're a grandfather.
136
00:06:02,405 --> 00:06:05,016
Yes, a grandfather,but not Whistler's mother.
137
00:06:05,016 --> 00:06:06,583
Well, you're spry
for your age, Colonel.
138
00:06:06,583 --> 00:06:08,019
I mean, anyone
can see that.
139
00:06:08,019 --> 00:06:09,194
But as commanding officerand senior member
140
00:06:09,194 --> 00:06:11,109
of the surgical staff,
141
00:06:11,109 --> 00:06:13,111
shouldn't you put your juniorofficers on this detail?
142
00:06:13,111 --> 00:06:15,810
-How do we shut Junior up?-Suture his lips.
143
00:06:15,810 --> 00:06:17,289
Burns, I may
not be a colt,
144
00:06:17,289 --> 00:06:19,466
but I'm not an old,
gray mare either.
145
00:06:19,466 --> 00:06:22,686
-She's right.
-I'm just as fit forthis detail as you are.
146
00:06:22,686 --> 00:06:24,601
Maybe fitter!
147
00:06:24,601 --> 00:06:26,516
We'll settle
this right now.
148
00:06:26,516 --> 00:06:30,564
Frank, how would youlike to be our firstkamikaze surgeon?
149
00:06:30,564 --> 00:06:32,348
It's simple, Frank.You just do a lobotomyon yourself.
150
00:06:32,348 --> 00:06:34,045
Ah, stick it
in the freezer.
151
00:06:34,045 --> 00:06:37,179
May I commandeer this deck
for one minute?
152
00:06:37,179 --> 00:06:39,355
Oh, but, sir, look.
153
00:06:39,355 --> 00:06:43,925
Holy cow!
154
00:06:43,925 --> 00:06:45,927
Sorry, son.
155
00:06:48,843 --> 00:06:52,020
Two low cards
go for a ride.
156
00:06:53,978 --> 00:06:56,764
-Mm-hmm.
-Hunnicutt.
157
00:06:56,764 --> 00:06:59,157
[humming]
158
00:07:00,637 --> 00:07:02,813
Ten. I guess I getto wave bye-bye.
159
00:07:02,813 --> 00:07:03,988
Burns.
160
00:07:05,337 --> 00:07:08,123
Five. I do better
with straws.
161
00:07:08,123 --> 00:07:11,082
Three.Looks like a marriage, Frank.
162
00:07:11,082 --> 00:07:13,650
I know I can do better,
but at my age, can I wait?
163
00:07:13,650 --> 00:07:16,566
-Deuce.
-Well, that's a jip.
164
00:07:16,566 --> 00:07:19,569
That means you go and I stay.Oh, that's good.
165
00:07:19,569 --> 00:07:22,180
Well, Frank, looks likeyou've been jilted again.
166
00:07:22,180 --> 00:07:23,486
It's you and me, Pierce.
167
00:07:23,486 --> 00:07:25,445
Burns, load the jeep
with supplies
168
00:07:25,445 --> 00:07:27,272
and don't forget my Geritol.
169
00:07:28,709 --> 00:07:31,494
Gowns, masks,
sterile cotton, tape...
170
00:07:31,494 --> 00:07:34,715
Tape. What did you do
with the tape?
171
00:07:34,715 --> 00:07:38,458
Here. Just 'cause I'm a Gypsydoesn't mean I stole it.
172
00:07:38,458 --> 00:07:41,025
[scoffs] Today you're a Gypsy.Yesterday you were a ballerina.
173
00:07:41,025 --> 00:07:43,898
Don't scoff, sir.Your fate is an open book to me.
174
00:07:43,898 --> 00:07:46,030
-You're daffy.
-We read the future.
175
00:07:46,030 --> 00:07:48,511
So can I. In about
five seconds, I'm
gonna bust your nose.
176
00:07:48,511 --> 00:07:50,774
Don't bite off morethan you can chew, sir.
177
00:07:50,774 --> 00:07:53,647
Believe me, the futureis written in the palmof your hand.
178
00:07:53,647 --> 00:07:57,215
Oh, yeah?
What does it say?
179
00:07:57,215 --> 00:08:00,610
-It says... [gasps]-What is it? What do you see?
180
00:08:00,610 --> 00:08:03,613
-Let me be the firstto congratulate you, sir.-Somebody die, leave me money?
181
00:08:03,613 --> 00:08:06,050
-No, sir. You're gonnacover yourself with glory.-I am?
182
00:08:06,050 --> 00:08:09,750
-Oh, Yes. You've got
a strong glory line.
-Go on.
183
00:08:09,750 --> 00:08:12,317
You're about to go on a trip,sir, a mission of mercy,
184
00:08:12,317 --> 00:08:14,624
to a hospital many miles away.
185
00:08:14,624 --> 00:08:17,584
I see-- I see-- a medal.It's gold.
186
00:08:17,584 --> 00:08:19,629
-A gold medal?
-[blows]
187
00:08:19,629 --> 00:08:21,196
-It's turning green.
-Green?
188
00:08:21,196 --> 00:08:23,590
It says, "For your totaldisregard of danger,
189
00:08:23,590 --> 00:08:26,418
"for operating aboveand beyond the call of duty,
190
00:08:26,418 --> 00:08:29,813
for insisting
to go on this missioninstead of Colonel Potter."
191
00:08:29,813 --> 00:08:31,206
Oh, buzz off, goofball!
192
00:08:31,206 --> 00:08:33,034
I know what
your little game is,
and it won't work.
193
00:08:33,034 --> 00:08:35,123
Sir, you're 20 years youngerthan the colonel.
194
00:08:35,123 --> 00:08:37,604
So? The old and the weak
get knocked off.
195
00:08:37,604 --> 00:08:39,736
The young and
the strong survive.
196
00:08:39,736 --> 00:08:41,912
It's the law of the jungle.
197
00:08:41,912 --> 00:08:45,699
-[door slams]-A lion should eat your face!
198
00:08:47,875 --> 00:08:49,529
Where does this go, sir?
199
00:08:49,529 --> 00:08:50,747
There's room up front,Your Highness.
200
00:08:50,747 --> 00:08:52,140
Ah, good idea.
201
00:08:52,140 --> 00:08:53,402
The Colonel can use
it as a footrest.
202
00:08:53,402 --> 00:08:55,491
I'll rest my footon your butt.
203
00:08:55,491 --> 00:08:58,059
Climb in, Pierce.Where's your gun?
204
00:08:58,059 --> 00:08:59,277
Sulking under my cot.
205
00:08:59,277 --> 00:09:00,844
We're not on
speaking terms.
206
00:09:00,844 --> 00:09:03,151
Go kiss and make up.You're taking it with you.
207
00:09:03,151 --> 00:09:05,719
Colonel, if I touch that gun,I'll just trigger anotherargument.
208
00:09:05,719 --> 00:09:07,764
Pierce, you're takingalong your sidearm.
209
00:09:07,764 --> 00:09:09,679
Correct, I'm taking alongmy right-side arm
210
00:09:09,679 --> 00:09:11,551
and my left-side arm.
211
00:09:11,551 --> 00:09:13,248
You need an enemy before
you can surrender, Hawkeye.
212
00:09:13,248 --> 00:09:14,945
Didn't they teach you
that in basic training?
213
00:09:14,945 --> 00:09:16,425
Pierce, I'm notriding shotgun.
214
00:09:16,425 --> 00:09:17,818
Get that weapon.
215
00:09:17,818 --> 00:09:19,559
-Gun boy.
-Ah, yes, sahib.
216
00:09:19,559 --> 00:09:21,386
My feet are like
wings, sahib.
217
00:09:21,386 --> 00:09:24,476
[indistinct,
off key singing]
218
00:09:24,476 --> 00:09:26,304
You're not hitting thosehigh notes anymore.
219
00:09:26,304 --> 00:09:28,219
-Hurt myself, sir.
-I thought so.
220
00:09:28,219 --> 00:09:29,656
Coffee, good and strong.
221
00:09:29,656 --> 00:09:31,483
Oh, thanks, Zoltan.
This will come in handy.
222
00:09:31,483 --> 00:09:32,920
Your parka, Colonel.
223
00:09:32,920 --> 00:09:34,356
Wouldn't know
where to put it.
224
00:09:34,356 --> 00:09:35,836
You'll need this.The roads are bumpy.
225
00:09:35,836 --> 00:09:38,316
I know where to put that.
226
00:09:38,316 --> 00:09:39,361
Your artillery, pard.
227
00:09:39,361 --> 00:09:40,536
POTTER:Is it loaded?
228
00:09:40,536 --> 00:09:41,972
Filled it with water
myself, Colonel.
229
00:09:41,972 --> 00:09:44,235
Watch out, everybody.
I shoot to drown.
230
00:09:46,020 --> 00:09:47,499
Do you thinkyou can find it?
231
00:09:47,499 --> 00:09:49,414
If we run into trouble,I'll call AAA.
232
00:09:49,414 --> 00:09:50,807
Have a safe trip,
gentlemen.
233
00:09:50,807 --> 00:09:52,548
How about a little kissfor the road?
234
00:09:52,548 --> 00:09:55,116
-Oh, don't be ridiculous.-Then how about one for me?
235
00:09:55,116 --> 00:09:58,032
Pierce, on this mission,you represent the 4077th,
236
00:09:58,032 --> 00:10:00,774
-and don't forget that.-Forget what?
237
00:10:00,774 --> 00:10:03,559
MASH would never send anofficer who would disgrace us.
238
00:10:03,559 --> 00:10:04,604
You're right, Margaret.I'm staying.
239
00:10:04,604 --> 00:10:06,257
Sit down, Pierce.
240
00:10:06,257 --> 00:10:08,477
Beware, sirs,I see snipers,
241
00:10:08,477 --> 00:10:10,522
and land mines,and artillery.
242
00:10:10,522 --> 00:10:11,611
You see any good restaurants?
243
00:10:11,611 --> 00:10:13,482
Cut the chatter.
Let's move it.
244
00:10:13,482 --> 00:10:15,571
Kick the chocks out
from under the wheels.
245
00:10:15,571 --> 00:10:17,355
Flaps up.
No offense, Margaret.
246
00:10:17,355 --> 00:10:19,183
Contact! We're off!
247
00:10:19,183 --> 00:10:20,968
-[imitating engine revving]-Start the engine!
248
00:10:20,968 --> 00:10:22,709
Oh, yeah.
249
00:10:22,709 --> 00:10:25,973
[engine starting]
250
00:10:38,289 --> 00:10:41,510
[distant explosions]
251
00:10:41,510 --> 00:10:43,860
Don't look now,
but I think we're being
followed by the war.
252
00:10:43,860 --> 00:10:46,602
I've been followed bybigger wars than this.
253
00:10:46,602 --> 00:10:47,951
Don't fight it, Colonel.
254
00:10:47,951 --> 00:10:49,910
This one's bigger
than both of us.
255
00:10:57,308 --> 00:10:59,354
Col. Sherman Potter,
MASH 4077.
256
00:10:59,354 --> 00:11:00,660
Where you headed, sir?
257
00:11:00,660 --> 00:11:02,531
Korean Hospital 426near Kumhwa.
258
00:11:02,531 --> 00:11:04,881
-Are we close?-Two miles, dead ahead.
259
00:11:04,881 --> 00:11:06,883
Can you make that
"straight ahead"?
260
00:11:06,883 --> 00:11:08,929
You'd better turn back, sir.This area isn't secured.
261
00:11:08,929 --> 00:11:10,887
Neither are we.
We're a mass of insecurity.
262
00:11:10,887 --> 00:11:12,802
A lot of people bleedingto death up there, Sergeant.
263
00:11:12,802 --> 00:11:15,152
Captain Pierce
and I are surgeons.
We're goin' in.
264
00:11:15,152 --> 00:11:18,242
Goin' in isn't the problem,Colonel, getting out is.
265
00:11:18,242 --> 00:11:20,288
-Sounds like marriage.
-Let's go.
266
00:11:20,288 --> 00:11:23,247
-Good luck.
-Okay.
267
00:11:25,815 --> 00:11:28,644
[artillery shell approaching]
268
00:11:40,221 --> 00:11:42,963
[engine approaching]
269
00:11:50,100 --> 00:11:52,146
-Sirs!
-Is our room ready?
270
00:11:52,146 --> 00:11:53,451
We booked the
Syngman Rhee suite
271
00:11:53,451 --> 00:11:54,844
overlooking the motor pool.
272
00:11:54,844 --> 00:11:56,759
Your commanding officer'sexpecting us.
273
00:11:56,759 --> 00:11:58,369
Yes, sir. Inside.
274
00:12:01,285 --> 00:12:03,723
Watch that.It's more valuable than allthe pickled cabbage in Korea.
275
00:12:03,723 --> 00:12:06,290
-Verstehen?
-I watch, sir!
276
00:12:13,210 --> 00:12:14,995
They call this
a hospital?
277
00:12:14,995 --> 00:12:16,474
I wouldn't operate
on your horse
278
00:12:16,474 --> 00:12:17,737
under these conditions.
279
00:12:17,737 --> 00:12:19,826
My horse wouldn't be
caught dead in here.
280
00:12:19,826 --> 00:12:22,002
Gentlemen.I'm Major Choi.
281
00:12:22,002 --> 00:12:24,047
Colonel Potter.
Uh, this is Captain Pierce.
282
00:12:24,047 --> 00:12:25,179
Hiya.
283
00:12:25,179 --> 00:12:26,702
How can I thank youfor coming?
284
00:12:26,702 --> 00:12:28,138
How about 5,000 apiece
in small bills?
285
00:12:28,138 --> 00:12:29,749
Two enemy divisions
attacked our forces
286
00:12:29,749 --> 00:12:31,054
early this morning.
287
00:12:31,054 --> 00:12:32,708
Successfully, I see.
288
00:12:32,708 --> 00:12:34,449
I'm short of help
and drugs.
289
00:12:34,449 --> 00:12:35,711
Supplies are parked
outside, Major.
290
00:12:35,711 --> 00:12:37,626
I'll send for them
right now.
291
00:12:37,626 --> 00:12:39,846
[speaking Korean]
292
00:12:39,846 --> 00:12:42,326
Wash up over there.We go to work.
293
00:12:42,326 --> 00:12:45,025
I think we
got the job.
294
00:12:45,025 --> 00:12:46,417
Thank you.
295
00:12:48,811 --> 00:12:50,857
Metzenbaum scissors.
296
00:12:50,857 --> 00:12:53,381
Scissors. Scissors.
297
00:12:53,381 --> 00:12:55,209
I don't-I don't know whatto do with "Metzenbaum."
298
00:12:55,209 --> 00:12:57,385
Uh, that-that instrument there,pretending to be sterile.
299
00:12:57,385 --> 00:12:59,691
That's it.Good.
300
00:12:59,691 --> 00:13:02,172
What'd you sterilizethis in, egg drop soup?
301
00:13:02,172 --> 00:13:04,696
We do the best we can, Captain,with the little we have.
302
00:13:04,696 --> 00:13:07,569
I'm sorry, it's just thatI'm opposed to germ warfare.
303
00:13:07,569 --> 00:13:09,789
[explosion in distance]
304
00:13:09,789 --> 00:13:11,442
I'm not too crazyabout that warfare either.
305
00:13:13,618 --> 00:13:16,230
Oh, great.Right in the middleof resecting a bowel.
306
00:13:16,230 --> 00:13:17,884
[shouting in Korean]
307
00:13:17,884 --> 00:13:20,103
[metal clattering]
308
00:13:20,103 --> 00:13:21,409
Whoops.
309
00:13:21,409 --> 00:13:23,237
-Getting tired, Colonel?-Doin' fine.
310
00:13:23,237 --> 00:13:25,630
Haven't let a patient slipthrough my fingers yet.
311
00:13:25,630 --> 00:13:27,589
You know, Colonel,in this light,
312
00:13:27,589 --> 00:13:29,547
you look justlike Greer Garson.
313
00:13:29,547 --> 00:13:31,419
In what picture?
314
00:13:31,419 --> 00:13:33,421
"Mrs. Miniver."
315
00:13:34,639 --> 00:13:36,337
[sighing]
316
00:13:38,687 --> 00:13:43,648
-How long we been at this?-I started surgery in 1932.
317
00:13:43,648 --> 00:13:48,001
-I mean, this session.
-So do I.
318
00:13:48,001 --> 00:13:49,785
Maybe we shouldcharge them piecework.
319
00:13:49,785 --> 00:13:52,309
We can't.
This is war.
320
00:13:52,309 --> 00:13:55,269
By the way,
which war is this?
321
00:13:55,269 --> 00:13:58,663
The latest warto end all wars.
322
00:13:58,663 --> 00:14:00,840
More of Klinger's coffee?
323
00:14:00,840 --> 00:14:02,276
No, thanks.
324
00:14:02,276 --> 00:14:03,625
It's beginning todissolve my fillings.
325
00:14:03,625 --> 00:14:05,627
I told him strong,
not lethal.
326
00:14:05,627 --> 00:14:08,456
[yawning]
327
00:14:08,456 --> 00:14:11,633
I can hardly keepmy eyes open.
328
00:14:11,633 --> 00:14:12,721
They're closed.
329
00:14:12,721 --> 00:14:16,290
There, you see what I mean?
330
00:14:16,290 --> 00:14:18,988
Your eyelids are beginningto send you messages too.
331
00:14:18,988 --> 00:14:20,947
Time for a little shut-eye.
332
00:14:20,947 --> 00:14:24,037
I don't take orders
from my eyelids.
333
00:14:24,037 --> 00:14:26,343
-Sleep, come on.
-[chuckling]
334
00:14:26,343 --> 00:14:28,171
I don't take orders
from you either.
335
00:14:28,171 --> 00:14:30,260
Come on, I know whatyou've been going through.
336
00:14:30,260 --> 00:14:31,305
You're exhausted.
337
00:14:31,305 --> 00:14:34,177
I am not.
I slept last year.
338
00:14:36,484 --> 00:14:39,443
If I said the word "sleep"three times to you,
339
00:14:39,443 --> 00:14:42,098
-I'd put you right under.-Not a chance.
340
00:14:42,098 --> 00:14:44,884
Oh, yeah?Watch this.
341
00:14:44,884 --> 00:14:46,407
Sleep.
342
00:14:48,626 --> 00:14:50,237
Sleep.
343
00:14:51,803 --> 00:14:54,241
Sleep.
344
00:15:10,474 --> 00:15:12,389
-Evening, Klinger.
-Evening who, sir?
345
00:15:12,389 --> 00:15:14,435
Sorry, Zoltan.
346
00:15:14,435 --> 00:15:17,481
-How's the tribe?
-My tribe, they're
yearning for me, sir.
347
00:15:17,481 --> 00:15:19,657
Of course they are.What are you doing?
348
00:15:19,657 --> 00:15:21,442
Working on a plan
to turn the motor pool
349
00:15:21,442 --> 00:15:23,835
-into a Gypsy caravan.
-You too?
350
00:15:23,835 --> 00:15:25,750
Any news about Hawkeyeand the Colonel?
351
00:15:25,750 --> 00:15:28,579
-They didn't call.
-I'm getting worried.
352
00:15:28,579 --> 00:15:30,799
I don't like to havethem stay out so lateon a school night.
353
00:15:30,799 --> 00:15:32,627
Put your mind
at ease, sir.
354
00:15:32,627 --> 00:15:34,846
We Gypsies have ways
of finding things out.
355
00:15:34,846 --> 00:15:36,631
Crystal ball?
356
00:15:36,631 --> 00:15:38,763
Cards.
357
00:15:38,763 --> 00:15:41,027
Concentrate
with me, sir.
358
00:15:42,419 --> 00:15:44,987
Ten of clubs.
359
00:15:44,987 --> 00:15:47,337
Ace of spades.
360
00:15:47,337 --> 00:15:49,861
King of diamonds.
361
00:15:49,861 --> 00:15:52,299
Jack of hearts.
362
00:15:52,299 --> 00:15:54,866
This... this is
the crucial card.
363
00:15:54,866 --> 00:15:58,348
Ah, Queen of diamonds.
364
00:15:58,348 --> 00:16:00,829
Holy mackerel!
I drew a straight!
365
00:16:06,661 --> 00:16:09,925
-Hawkeye.
-Huh?
366
00:16:09,925 --> 00:16:12,058
Did I--
367
00:16:12,058 --> 00:16:14,277
I did.
I fell asleep.
368
00:16:14,277 --> 00:16:15,757
You're one heckof a hypnotist.
369
00:16:15,757 --> 00:16:17,541
It works,
I just did it backwards.
370
00:16:17,541 --> 00:16:19,587
You can take over now.
371
00:16:19,587 --> 00:16:21,981
Game's tough,
and you're sending in
your ace reliever, huh?
372
00:16:21,981 --> 00:16:24,418
That's right. We're losing,and the bases are loaded.
373
00:16:24,418 --> 00:16:26,942
Listen, you wanna finish
a great dream for me?
374
00:16:26,942 --> 00:16:29,423
If I can't come upwith one of my own.
375
00:16:29,423 --> 00:16:31,991
I was in
a candlelit room.
376
00:16:31,991 --> 00:16:34,906
Soft music in
the background.
377
00:16:34,906 --> 00:16:36,343
Soft girl inthe foreground.
378
00:16:36,343 --> 00:16:38,780
Stop right there.
I'm a married man.
379
00:16:38,780 --> 00:16:41,043
Well, can you at least buyher a drink till I get back?
380
00:16:41,043 --> 00:16:42,697
Sure.
381
00:16:45,047 --> 00:16:46,788
[sighing]
382
00:16:52,707 --> 00:16:54,230
I watched your work.
383
00:16:54,230 --> 00:16:56,015
It was a magnificentperformance.
384
00:16:56,015 --> 00:16:58,191
Souvenir programs areavailable in the lobby.
385
00:16:58,191 --> 00:17:00,149
Major, I wish you'd
drop in on us one day
386
00:17:00,149 --> 00:17:02,934
at the 4077th and watch
the whole team in action.
387
00:17:02,934 --> 00:17:05,154
We do a matinee that has 'emrolling in the aisles.
388
00:17:05,154 --> 00:17:06,895
We have a good
bunch of doctors.
389
00:17:06,895 --> 00:17:09,332
-Even Frank Burns?-You mean old Ferret Face?
390
00:17:09,332 --> 00:17:10,899
You've heard of him.
391
00:17:10,899 --> 00:17:13,075
Yes, he worked on
a few of my men.
392
00:17:13,075 --> 00:17:15,947
-And they survived?
-Yes, they were lucky.
393
00:17:21,692 --> 00:17:23,781
Again, thank youfor all your help.
394
00:17:23,781 --> 00:17:25,479
Thank you for
all your wounded,
395
00:17:25,479 --> 00:17:27,002
without which our helpwould have meant nothing.
396
00:17:27,002 --> 00:17:29,874
-Well, goodbye, Major.
-Goodbye.
397
00:17:29,874 --> 00:17:32,138
-May luck go with you.
-Yes, he may.
398
00:17:32,138 --> 00:17:34,575
[explosion]
399
00:17:34,575 --> 00:17:37,099
Tell him to hurry.
400
00:17:38,840 --> 00:17:41,364
Anan-nyung.
401
00:17:41,364 --> 00:17:43,149
Anan-nyung.
402
00:17:43,149 --> 00:17:45,673
I could use a belt.
403
00:17:45,673 --> 00:17:47,196
Why, are your pants
falling down?
404
00:17:47,196 --> 00:17:48,719
Klinger thoughtof everything else.
405
00:17:48,719 --> 00:17:50,069
You don't suppose--
406
00:17:50,069 --> 00:17:52,027
Huh?
407
00:17:52,027 --> 00:17:54,595
[laughing]
408
00:17:54,595 --> 00:17:56,553
Bless that Gypsy.
409
00:17:56,553 --> 00:17:59,469
-Belly up to the bar, Hawkeye.-Delighted!
410
00:18:01,776 --> 00:18:03,995
To Klinger!
411
00:18:06,389 --> 00:18:08,435
To Klinger's nose!
412
00:18:08,435 --> 00:18:10,828
-That's a double.
-All right.
413
00:18:12,961 --> 00:18:14,745
To Zoltan!
414
00:18:17,096 --> 00:18:19,185
To Zoltan's nose!
415
00:18:19,185 --> 00:18:21,056
-That's a double.
-That's a double.
416
00:18:23,014 --> 00:18:25,669
-To Charles de Gaulle!
-And his nose!
417
00:18:25,669 --> 00:18:27,280
That's a triple!
418
00:18:27,280 --> 00:18:29,847
[laughter]
419
00:18:33,024 --> 00:18:36,767
-Here's to your nose.
-Oh, that's a-that's
a half a one.
420
00:18:36,767 --> 00:18:39,596
[laughter]
421
00:18:52,522 --> 00:18:54,829
[rapid gunfire, shouting]
422
00:19:02,010 --> 00:19:04,882
-Hawkeye, your gun!
-Forget that! Come on!
423
00:19:10,627 --> 00:19:12,063
What are they
bombing us for?
424
00:19:12,063 --> 00:19:13,717
We're already bombed.
425
00:19:17,068 --> 00:19:20,115
[fire roaring]
426
00:19:22,813 --> 00:19:24,511
They totaled our jeep.
427
00:19:26,600 --> 00:19:28,819
-The case will be
in court for years.
-[gunshot]
428
00:19:28,819 --> 00:19:30,560
Get down!You wanna be a dead duck?
429
00:19:30,560 --> 00:19:33,259
No, I'd rather be
a live chicken.
430
00:19:33,259 --> 00:19:36,523
You wanna cut it out!
431
00:19:36,523 --> 00:19:38,351
Oh, that was close.
432
00:19:38,351 --> 00:19:40,831
I believe my life is about
to pass before my eyes.
433
00:19:40,831 --> 00:19:43,138
Let me know when it does.I love a parade.
434
00:19:43,138 --> 00:19:44,792
Even short ones?
435
00:19:44,792 --> 00:19:46,185
Too young to die, Pierce?
436
00:19:46,185 --> 00:19:48,056
I was hoping I'd
make it to Thursday.
437
00:19:48,056 --> 00:19:50,711
Well, I'm gonna give 'emone hell of a fight
438
00:19:50,711 --> 00:19:53,540
before they drag me offto any Chinese prison camp.
439
00:19:53,540 --> 00:19:55,585
What's the matter,you don't like Egg Foo Young?
440
00:19:55,585 --> 00:19:57,587
Miserable place fora regular army man
441
00:19:57,587 --> 00:20:00,286
to spend the war.
442
00:20:00,286 --> 00:20:02,505
Well, I don't believeanybody's made the offer yet.
443
00:20:02,505 --> 00:20:04,246
[gunshots firing]
444
00:20:04,246 --> 00:20:09,599
I think we just gotan-an invi-invitation.
445
00:20:09,599 --> 00:20:12,602
[explosions]
446
00:20:12,602 --> 00:20:14,038
[gunfire]
447
00:20:20,654 --> 00:20:22,221
What are you
shooting for?
448
00:20:22,221 --> 00:20:23,744
Well, that's the waythis game is played.
449
00:20:23,744 --> 00:20:26,181
They shoot at us.We shoot at them.
450
00:20:26,181 --> 00:20:28,139
The last oneto shoot, wins.
451
00:20:28,139 --> 00:20:30,577
Here, it's your turn.
452
00:20:30,577 --> 00:20:32,405
Oh, no, no, no, no.
453
00:20:32,405 --> 00:20:34,320
The reason they're shootingis that they're angry.
454
00:20:34,320 --> 00:20:36,322
If I shoot back,they'll just get angrier.
455
00:20:36,322 --> 00:20:38,106
Pierce, you got agood sense of humor,
456
00:20:38,106 --> 00:20:39,934
but a lousysense of timing.
457
00:20:39,934 --> 00:20:41,849
Fire that weapon.
458
00:20:41,849 --> 00:20:43,851
Fire it? I don't even
like looking at it.
459
00:20:43,851 --> 00:20:45,896
I said,"Fire that weapon!"
460
00:20:45,896 --> 00:20:49,160
All right.
You're fired.
461
00:20:49,160 --> 00:20:51,946
I did it as gently
as I could.
462
00:20:51,946 --> 00:20:53,861
That was an order, Pierce.
463
00:20:53,861 --> 00:20:55,950
Oh, waiter, would you takethis man's order, please?
464
00:20:55,950 --> 00:20:58,692
Fire the gun, Hawkeye.
465
00:20:58,692 --> 00:21:01,999
Look, Colonel,I'll treat their wounds,
466
00:21:01,999 --> 00:21:04,828
heal their wounds,
bind their wounds,
467
00:21:04,828 --> 00:21:07,831
but I will not inflict
their wounds.
468
00:21:07,831 --> 00:21:09,268
You can't just sit there.
469
00:21:09,268 --> 00:21:10,878
I may be sitting
on the outside,
470
00:21:10,878 --> 00:21:12,575
but I'm running
on the inside.
471
00:21:12,575 --> 00:21:14,360
You love life that little?
472
00:21:14,360 --> 00:21:16,318
I hate guns that much.
473
00:21:16,318 --> 00:21:18,277
For God's sake, man,defend yourself.
474
00:21:18,277 --> 00:21:19,887
Don't think of itas a gun.
475
00:21:19,887 --> 00:21:22,019
Think of it as a greatlittle noisemaker,
476
00:21:22,019 --> 00:21:24,674
the loudest cap pistolin Korea.
477
00:21:24,674 --> 00:21:28,069
Just shoot it and scarethe living hell outta them.
478
00:21:28,069 --> 00:21:31,028
Well, that-that I can do.
479
00:21:31,028 --> 00:21:32,639
All right, everybody,
I start shooting
480
00:21:32,639 --> 00:21:35,206
at the count of three.
What's the matter?
481
00:21:35,206 --> 00:21:38,340
Oh, thank you.
482
00:21:38,340 --> 00:21:39,863
-[gunshots firing]-Out of the way! Look out!
483
00:21:39,863 --> 00:21:42,736
Out of the way!
Behind the trees!
484
00:21:42,736 --> 00:21:44,999
Take cover!
Look out!
485
00:21:44,999 --> 00:21:48,002
[return gunfire]
486
00:21:50,309 --> 00:21:51,832
There, I used up
all my bullets.
487
00:21:51,832 --> 00:21:53,442
Now can I go home?
488
00:21:53,442 --> 00:21:55,792
You're a crazier soldierthan a surgeon.
489
00:21:55,792 --> 00:21:57,098
Thank you.
490
00:21:57,098 --> 00:21:59,535
[laughing]
491
00:22:04,279 --> 00:22:07,804
-You hear that?-No, I don't hear a thing.
492
00:22:07,804 --> 00:22:10,241
That's what I mean.
493
00:22:19,555 --> 00:22:22,645
Nobody's there.
They amscrayed.
494
00:22:22,645 --> 00:22:23,864
Come here.
Come here, Pierce.
495
00:22:23,864 --> 00:22:25,779
Take a look.
496
00:22:36,398 --> 00:22:38,139
Don't shoot.
497
00:22:38,139 --> 00:22:39,662
Don't shoot.
We're one of you.
498
00:22:39,662 --> 00:22:41,577
You're one of us.Apple pie, Betty Grable.
499
00:22:41,577 --> 00:22:43,579
-Clara Bow.
-"Clara Bow?"
500
00:22:43,579 --> 00:22:46,539
-Frank's right, you are old.-You medics?
501
00:22:46,539 --> 00:22:49,106
-Surgeons with a MASH unit.-What are you doing up here?
502
00:22:49,106 --> 00:22:51,718
-Lookin' for broads.
-You're not gonna find
any there, Captain.
503
00:22:51,718 --> 00:22:55,069
No, no, he's-he's lookin'for c-casualties.
504
00:22:55,069 --> 00:22:57,506
Oh, they all pulled out.
We're moving out.
505
00:22:57,506 --> 00:22:59,726
Let's go.
506
00:23:01,510 --> 00:23:04,034
You didn't hit a singlething, sharpshooter.
507
00:23:04,034 --> 00:23:05,949
Well, you fired
as many shots as I did
508
00:23:05,949 --> 00:23:07,734
and you were the one whosaid you shot the apple
509
00:23:07,734 --> 00:23:09,910
off the kaiser's head.
510
00:23:09,910 --> 00:23:11,477
Confidentially, Hawkeye,
511
00:23:11,477 --> 00:23:14,393
I couldn't hit a bulletwith the side of a barn.
512
00:23:14,393 --> 00:23:16,960
[laughing]
513
00:23:20,573 --> 00:23:23,358
Look out for that bush.
514
00:23:26,143 --> 00:23:27,580
Whoo!
515
00:23:34,413 --> 00:23:37,285
-You all right, sir?-Great! Why shouldn't I be?
516
00:23:37,285 --> 00:23:38,982
Well, you've been through
some terrible ordeals.
517
00:23:38,982 --> 00:23:40,810
-What ordeals?
-Well, the Korean
hospital ordeal,
518
00:23:40,810 --> 00:23:42,246
the bunker ordeal.
519
00:23:42,246 --> 00:23:44,161
Piece of cake.
Enjoyed every minute.
520
00:23:44,161 --> 00:23:47,513
Well, I think I'll turn inafter I do my 50 pushups.
521
00:23:47,513 --> 00:23:48,862
Care to join me?
522
00:23:48,862 --> 00:23:50,646
Uh, no, thank you, sir.
523
00:23:50,646 --> 00:23:53,083
-Good night.-Thanks for looking in, Major.
524
00:23:56,565 --> 00:23:57,827
Come in.
525
00:23:57,827 --> 00:23:59,568
Finished with
your tea, sir?
526
00:23:59,568 --> 00:24:01,135
It was delicious,
Klinger.
527
00:24:01,135 --> 00:24:02,615
May I read
the tea leaves, sir?
528
00:24:02,615 --> 00:24:05,139
By all means.
529
00:24:05,139 --> 00:24:07,837
Says here, you're gonnatake pity on a poor Gypsy boy
530
00:24:07,837 --> 00:24:10,710
who desperately wants
to go home to his people.
531
00:24:10,710 --> 00:24:13,190
Let's have a look.
532
00:24:13,190 --> 00:24:15,671
The way I read it,
the poor Gypsy boy
533
00:24:15,671 --> 00:24:18,326
is in danger of annoyinghis commanding officer.
534
00:24:18,326 --> 00:24:21,329
And if he keeps it up,he'll get a boot inhis tambourine.
535
00:24:21,329 --> 00:24:23,723
Got ya, sir.
Good night.
536
00:24:23,723 --> 00:24:25,376
Good night, Klinger.
537
00:24:29,946 --> 00:24:31,426
[exhales]
538
00:24:36,562 --> 00:24:38,564
[theme music playing]
39147
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