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1
00:00:02,002 --> 00:00:04,265
♪♪ [theme]
2
00:00:51,268 --> 00:00:53,662
♪♪ [slow jazz]
3
00:00:53,705 --> 00:00:55,185
[knocking]
4
00:00:55,229 --> 00:00:56,447
RADAR: Major?
5
00:00:56,491 --> 00:00:59,450
[record skipping]
6
00:01:03,976 --> 00:01:05,152
[knocking]
7
00:01:05,195 --> 00:01:06,675
Major, ma'am?
8
00:01:06,718 --> 00:01:08,416
♪♪ [continues]
9
00:01:30,786 --> 00:01:31,917
[record stops]
10
00:01:46,584 --> 00:01:47,846
-Major?
-Aah!
11
00:01:47,890 --> 00:01:49,196
Aah!
12
00:01:49,239 --> 00:01:51,589
How dare you paw me!
13
00:01:51,633 --> 00:01:53,504
I didn't paw you!
I pawed your book!
14
00:01:53,548 --> 00:01:55,637
-You're going on report!
-For what?
15
00:01:55,680 --> 00:01:57,421
For uncovering
an officer's leg!
16
00:01:57,465 --> 00:01:58,944
Ma'am, I never
touched your leg!
17
00:01:58,988 --> 00:02:00,642
Your leg was naked
when I came in!
18
00:02:00,685 --> 00:02:02,818
How dare you say
"naked" to me!
19
00:02:02,861 --> 00:02:04,298
Oh, I'm sorry, ma'am.
20
00:02:04,341 --> 00:02:05,864
Stop staring at my leg!
21
00:02:05,908 --> 00:02:07,649
I'm not! I am!
22
00:02:07,692 --> 00:02:09,955
Don't you wish you could
all the time...
23
00:02:09,999 --> 00:02:11,957
stare at it,
and touch it, and feel it!
24
00:02:12,001 --> 00:02:13,481
Oh, no, ma'am.
25
00:02:13,524 --> 00:02:15,091
You don't find it
attractive?
26
00:02:15,135 --> 00:02:17,137
Oh, yes, ma'am.
It's a beautiful leg.
27
00:02:17,180 --> 00:02:18,442
-You think so?
-Yes.
28
00:02:18,486 --> 00:02:20,052
It reminds me
of my pony back home,
29
00:02:20,096 --> 00:02:22,229
-only his hair's brown.
-Out! Get out!
30
00:02:22,272 --> 00:02:23,795
Wait a minute!
Come back here!
31
00:02:23,839 --> 00:02:25,928
-What do you want?
-Oh, yeah.
32
00:02:25,971 --> 00:02:27,886
There's an ambulance
coming in. They want
you to scrub.
33
00:02:27,930 --> 00:02:29,540
-Don't touch that!
-Oh, gee.
34
00:02:29,584 --> 00:02:31,673
Just leave this tent exactly
the way you found it.
35
00:02:31,716 --> 00:02:34,415
-You got it.
-Exactly!
36
00:02:34,458 --> 00:02:36,330
♪♪ [resumes]
37
00:02:43,815 --> 00:02:45,077
[tires screeching]
38
00:02:50,605 --> 00:02:52,694
-What do we got here, Radar?
-Road accident.
39
00:02:52,737 --> 00:02:54,696
This country's a course
in creative killing.
40
00:02:54,739 --> 00:02:57,307
-X-rays here, Radar.
-Take him to X-ray.
41
00:02:57,351 --> 00:02:59,570
Careful with him.
He may have busted ribs.
42
00:02:59,614 --> 00:03:01,093
What have we got here?
43
00:03:01,137 --> 00:03:02,573
Come on. More X-rays.
44
00:03:02,617 --> 00:03:03,966
Right. Follow him.
45
00:03:04,009 --> 00:03:05,228
Right femur here.
46
00:03:07,143 --> 00:03:09,493
Looks like Saturday night
at the speedway.
47
00:03:09,537 --> 00:03:10,973
-Everything under control?
-So far.
48
00:03:11,016 --> 00:03:12,235
B.J.: Be careful. Watch it.
49
00:03:12,279 --> 00:03:13,497
You sure know how
to make a doctor crazy.
50
00:03:13,541 --> 00:03:16,239
I may write you
an obscene prescription.
51
00:03:16,283 --> 00:03:18,415
Fracture.
Ankle fractured.
52
00:03:18,459 --> 00:03:20,504
Gonna check for possible
skull fracture.
53
00:03:20,548 --> 00:03:22,724
We got knocked off the road
by a tank, Doc.
54
00:03:22,767 --> 00:03:24,073
He just kept going.
55
00:03:24,116 --> 00:03:26,293
A clear case
of crush and run.
56
00:03:26,336 --> 00:03:27,903
It was one of ours.
57
00:03:27,946 --> 00:03:29,644
We were goin' up north
with Colonel Chaffey,
58
00:03:29,687 --> 00:03:31,428
and wham!
59
00:03:31,472 --> 00:03:33,430
The tank crowds us
right into an embankment.
60
00:03:33,474 --> 00:03:35,693
How can Americans
do that to each other?
61
00:03:35,737 --> 00:03:37,782
Ever see
Gone With the Wind?
62
00:03:37,826 --> 00:03:39,436
I'll take care of that
for him, Doc.
63
00:03:39,480 --> 00:03:40,698
He gets it when he goes.
64
00:03:40,742 --> 00:03:41,960
-Radar.
-Yo.
65
00:03:42,004 --> 00:03:43,266
Colonel Chaffey's
bats about that gun.
66
00:03:43,310 --> 00:03:44,659
He'll get
a receipt for it.
67
00:03:44,702 --> 00:03:45,964
It's S.O.P., soldier.
68
00:03:46,008 --> 00:03:47,488
Okay, guys,
let's move him out.
69
00:03:47,531 --> 00:03:48,663
Whatever you say,
Commodore.
70
00:03:48,706 --> 00:03:49,751
-Sirs.
-Look out.
71
00:03:53,015 --> 00:03:55,887
MAN [on P.A.]: Nurse Plummer,
report to the O.R.
72
00:03:55,931 --> 00:03:57,367
Nurse Plummer, please.
73
00:03:57,411 --> 00:03:59,326
Nurse Gage to X-ray.
74
00:03:59,369 --> 00:04:02,851
Second post-op shift,
please report at 0500 hours.
75
00:04:02,894 --> 00:04:04,940
POTTER: More people
hurt by vehicles
76
00:04:04,983 --> 00:04:07,072
than anything else
in battle. That's a fact.
77
00:04:07,116 --> 00:04:08,683
Let me know if this hurts.
78
00:04:08,726 --> 00:04:11,729
I almost bought it
that way in World War I.
79
00:04:11,773 --> 00:04:13,862
I was taking a nap
on the side of a hill
80
00:04:13,905 --> 00:04:17,344
when I heard a low rumbling
I took to be distant artillery.
81
00:04:17,387 --> 00:04:20,085
I looked up just in time
to roll out of the path
82
00:04:20,129 --> 00:04:22,784
of a breakaway
portable latrine.
83
00:04:22,827 --> 00:04:25,265
-They didn't really have those.
-HAWKEYE: Absolutely.
84
00:04:25,308 --> 00:04:27,484
America had the first armored
men's room. Right, Colonel?
85
00:04:27,528 --> 00:04:29,834
You're a bigger liar
than I am.
86
00:04:29,878 --> 00:04:31,836
How's our colonel doing?
87
00:04:31,880 --> 00:04:33,447
Broken ankle.
88
00:04:33,490 --> 00:04:35,623
Reckon he'll have to rest up
in the fort for a spell.
89
00:04:35,666 --> 00:04:37,625
He came in totin'
a six-shooter.
90
00:04:37,668 --> 00:04:39,496
Chrome, with a bone grip.
91
00:04:39,540 --> 00:04:41,542
The kind we used to sign
Indian treaties with.
92
00:04:41,585 --> 00:04:44,196
My uncle Claude
collected fancy guns.
93
00:04:44,240 --> 00:04:45,720
He was cleaning them one day
94
00:04:45,763 --> 00:04:47,722
when his prized piece
went off.
95
00:04:47,765 --> 00:04:49,332
The bullet severed his foot,
96
00:04:49,376 --> 00:04:52,335
kept going across the room,
and killed the cat.
97
00:04:52,379 --> 00:04:54,381
They buried Tabby
in one shoe box
98
00:04:54,424 --> 00:04:56,296
and Uncle Claude's toe
in another.
99
00:04:57,862 --> 00:04:59,821
Really.
100
00:04:59,864 --> 00:05:03,564
Isn't a G.I.-issue handgun
enough for these army types?
101
00:05:03,607 --> 00:05:05,305
If you like packing hardware,
102
00:05:05,348 --> 00:05:07,611
you're always looking
for a unique weapon.
103
00:05:07,655 --> 00:05:09,657
So you can play soldier
while you're playing soldier.
104
00:05:09,700 --> 00:05:11,311
My father wouldn't
let me have any toy
105
00:05:11,354 --> 00:05:13,138
that even looked like a gun.
106
00:05:13,182 --> 00:05:15,358
I was miserable
till I discovered dolls.
107
00:05:15,402 --> 00:05:18,622
I shot a bear once...
in the penny arcade.
108
00:05:18,666 --> 00:05:21,321
I wanted to break through
that glass and fix up his
shoulder.
109
00:05:21,364 --> 00:05:23,845
-Hawk, you were
a sensitive child.
-Oh, yes.
110
00:05:23,888 --> 00:05:26,761
I studied the violin
till I beat up the teacher.
111
00:05:26,804 --> 00:05:28,893
That hurt you yet?
112
00:05:28,937 --> 00:05:30,939
I must be ready
to get my license.
113
00:05:30,982 --> 00:05:34,464
Attention, Major Burns.
Attention, Major Houlihan.
114
00:05:34,508 --> 00:05:36,466
Together again.
115
00:05:36,510 --> 00:05:38,642
Majors Burns and Houlihan
to the compound, please.
116
00:05:38,686 --> 00:05:40,035
If you liked them
in the laundry room,
117
00:05:40,078 --> 00:05:41,341
you'll love them
in the compound.
118
00:05:46,302 --> 00:05:48,130
-Oops. Sorry, dear.
-It's okay, honey.
119
00:05:48,173 --> 00:05:49,610
Gimme that, you nut!
120
00:05:49,653 --> 00:05:53,396
Frank, you've got
to set an example.
121
00:05:53,440 --> 00:05:55,093
Listen.
I was sound asleep,
122
00:05:55,137 --> 00:05:56,747
and suddenly there's
all these wounded.
123
00:05:56,791 --> 00:05:58,836
I mean...
It's nearly midnight.
124
00:05:58,880 --> 00:06:00,534
Why can't they fight
from 9:00 to 6:00?
125
00:06:00,577 --> 00:06:03,014
Maybe the next war, Frank.
Maybe the next.
126
00:06:06,191 --> 00:06:07,802
Can you pray somewhere
else, Father?
127
00:06:07,845 --> 00:06:09,543
You're genuflecting
right in the way.
128
00:06:09,586 --> 00:06:11,283
Well, I was only offering
a bit of comfort.
129
00:06:11,327 --> 00:06:13,460
I'll call you
when it's time for kindness.
130
00:06:13,503 --> 00:06:17,420
Okay, start an I.V.
Two units of plasma.
131
00:06:17,464 --> 00:06:18,726
Klinger!
132
00:06:18,769 --> 00:06:20,380
Come on, pal.
Give me the gun.
133
00:06:20,423 --> 00:06:22,120
You'll get it back, honest.
134
00:06:22,164 --> 00:06:23,557
Hey, what's
the ruckus here?
135
00:06:23,600 --> 00:06:25,123
He won't let go
of it, sir.
136
00:06:25,167 --> 00:06:26,734
Oh, good for you, son.
137
00:06:26,777 --> 00:06:28,475
A soldier's best friend
is his gun.
138
00:06:28,518 --> 00:06:30,564
You take care of it,
and it'll take care of you.
139
00:06:30,607 --> 00:06:32,740
-He's unconscious, sir.
-That's all right.
He understands.
140
00:06:32,783 --> 00:06:34,524
Maybe if I was, I would.
141
00:06:34,568 --> 00:06:35,917
Did you call, ma'am?
142
00:06:35,960 --> 00:06:37,266
First litter.
Ward three.
143
00:06:37,309 --> 00:06:40,269
Okay, chest,
head injuries.
144
00:06:40,312 --> 00:06:43,141
-Those are your best things.
-Oh.
145
00:06:43,185 --> 00:06:44,534
-Coming through.
-Here.
146
00:06:44,578 --> 00:06:46,667
Let me help.
The gun bin's on my way.
147
00:06:46,710 --> 00:06:47,842
Thank you, sir.
148
00:06:49,409 --> 00:06:51,019
-Move your can!
-What?
149
00:06:51,062 --> 00:06:52,324
Move your can, sir.
150
00:06:52,368 --> 00:06:54,326
I'll remember that,
doggie breath.
151
00:06:59,114 --> 00:07:00,855
-This will just take
a minute, sir.
-Oh, it's all right.
152
00:07:00,898 --> 00:07:02,291
I can't start till
Pierce and Hunnicutt
153
00:07:02,334 --> 00:07:03,510
finish showing off
in surgery.
154
00:07:05,990 --> 00:07:08,166
You think you got enough
keys there, Corporal?
155
00:07:08,210 --> 00:07:10,125
Oh, I need 'em all, sir.
156
00:07:10,168 --> 00:07:12,214
This one's to
Colonel Potter's office.
157
00:07:12,257 --> 00:07:14,085
This is oats
for his horse.
158
00:07:14,129 --> 00:07:16,566
Oh, this one's
to my bike in Iowa.
159
00:07:16,610 --> 00:07:18,046
Every time my sister
borrows it,
160
00:07:18,089 --> 00:07:19,700
uh, the chain slips.
161
00:07:19,743 --> 00:07:21,092
Here we go.
162
00:07:22,572 --> 00:07:23,965
What's that?
163
00:07:24,008 --> 00:07:26,620
Yeah, how about that?
Ain't that something?
164
00:07:26,663 --> 00:07:28,099
It's a gun, sir.
165
00:07:28,143 --> 00:07:29,449
A colonel's gun.
166
00:07:29,492 --> 00:07:30,885
It just came in tonight.
167
00:07:33,627 --> 00:07:35,803
Oh, that's an old beauty.
168
00:07:35,846 --> 00:07:37,369
Yes, sir.
169
00:07:37,413 --> 00:07:39,894
Man, that feels good.
170
00:07:39,937 --> 00:07:43,027
Perfectly balanced.
171
00:07:43,071 --> 00:07:44,507
[as John Wayne]
Ya better
believe it, Mister,
172
00:07:44,551 --> 00:07:47,467
or you're dead
where you stand.
173
00:07:47,510 --> 00:07:48,946
Who's that supposed
to be?
174
00:07:48,990 --> 00:07:51,514
-John Wayne.
-John Wayne?
175
00:07:51,558 --> 00:07:53,385
He doesn't sound
anything like you.
176
00:07:53,429 --> 00:07:54,996
No, sir.
177
00:07:55,039 --> 00:07:57,346
Oh, that's a dandy piece.
178
00:07:57,389 --> 00:08:00,828
Yes, sirree Bob,
that's one shootin' iron.
179
00:08:03,221 --> 00:08:05,528
Eh, you've, uh, better
put her to bed, Corporal.
180
00:08:05,572 --> 00:08:06,486
Yes, sir.
181
00:08:09,750 --> 00:08:10,925
[whistling]
182
00:08:17,497 --> 00:08:19,934
Shouldn't you be getting
back to surgery, sir?
183
00:08:19,977 --> 00:08:22,327
I'm sure in the dull
part of the war.
184
00:08:28,725 --> 00:08:30,553
How do you feel this
morning, Colonel Chaffey?
185
00:08:30,597 --> 00:08:32,207
Oh, about like you'd expect
186
00:08:32,250 --> 00:08:33,861
after losing an argument
with a tank.
187
00:08:33,904 --> 00:08:35,210
We checked on your jeep.
188
00:08:35,253 --> 00:08:36,777
-Flattened?
-B.J.: Mm-hmm.
189
00:08:36,820 --> 00:08:38,256
They're shipping it
to your house
190
00:08:38,300 --> 00:08:39,649
and slipping it
under the door.
191
00:08:39,693 --> 00:08:41,042
You're in our "lucky
to be alive" department.
192
00:08:41,085 --> 00:08:42,565
How about my men?
193
00:08:42,609 --> 00:08:44,698
Okay, give or take
a few fractures.
194
00:08:44,741 --> 00:08:46,874
Are you the one
that fixed me up?
195
00:08:46,917 --> 00:08:49,746
I just held the ball.
He did the punting.
196
00:08:49,790 --> 00:08:52,488
I'd like to show you
my appreciation.
197
00:08:52,532 --> 00:08:54,229
Maybe you could end the war
a day or two sooner.
198
00:08:54,272 --> 00:08:56,405
We're not allowed
to take cash.
199
00:08:56,448 --> 00:08:58,363
I'll do my best.
200
00:08:58,407 --> 00:09:00,583
Oh, hey, Doc, um,
when I came in,
201
00:09:00,627 --> 00:09:03,586
I was wearing a gun,
a Colt .45.
202
00:09:03,630 --> 00:09:05,283
Not to worry.
203
00:09:05,327 --> 00:09:07,590
The receipt for that gun
is right in here.
204
00:09:07,634 --> 00:09:08,983
Oh, thanks, Doc.
205
00:09:09,026 --> 00:09:10,506
I wouldn't want
to lose that baby.
206
00:09:10,550 --> 00:09:11,986
We think of everything.
207
00:09:12,029 --> 00:09:13,509
When you're ready,
we even stamp your hand,
208
00:09:13,553 --> 00:09:15,076
and you get right back
into battle.
209
00:09:17,426 --> 00:09:19,210
-[knocking]
-Ah, who is it?
210
00:09:19,254 --> 00:09:22,039
-FRANK: That "Major" person.
-Come in.
211
00:09:22,083 --> 00:09:24,041
Exercising?
212
00:09:24,085 --> 00:09:25,303
Yoga.
213
00:09:25,347 --> 00:09:27,131
It's changing
my whole life, Frank.
214
00:09:27,175 --> 00:09:29,656
I feel so vital and alive!
215
00:09:29,699 --> 00:09:31,701
You ought to try it.
Get your blood moving.
216
00:09:31,745 --> 00:09:33,616
I don't need it,
you little Hindu.
217
00:09:33,660 --> 00:09:36,227
-I've got you. Ahhh.
-Roughneck.
218
00:09:36,271 --> 00:09:37,794
Ow! What is that?
219
00:09:37,838 --> 00:09:40,623
Oh, sorry, sweets. I forgot I
was packing this.
220
00:09:40,667 --> 00:09:42,059
How about these apples, huh?
221
00:09:42,103 --> 00:09:46,150
Frank, it's gorgeous!
A Colt.45.
222
00:09:46,194 --> 00:09:48,239
1884! Dad had one
just like this!
223
00:09:48,283 --> 00:09:49,589
Where did you get it?
224
00:09:49,632 --> 00:09:50,894
Well,
I've had it for years.
225
00:09:50,938 --> 00:09:52,026
I finally sent for it.
226
00:09:52,069 --> 00:09:54,071
I just, uh, missed
my old pal.
227
00:09:54,115 --> 00:09:56,204
Why don't you wear it
as a regular side arm?
228
00:09:56,247 --> 00:09:57,901
Oh, it looks smashing.
229
00:09:57,945 --> 00:09:59,337
Oh, it's not
for every day.
230
00:09:59,381 --> 00:10:00,948
Instead of
your service .45.
231
00:10:00,991 --> 00:10:02,906
Oh, wear it, Frank.
It's adorable!
232
00:10:02,950 --> 00:10:05,126
No, I think I'll keep it
under wraps for a while.
233
00:10:05,169 --> 00:10:06,649
And-and-and don't
say anything.
234
00:10:06,693 --> 00:10:08,346
E-everyone's jealous
enough as it is.
235
00:10:08,390 --> 00:10:11,828
Oh, I know.
Oh, what a surprise.
236
00:10:11,872 --> 00:10:14,657
Who'd have thought you had
a revolver like old Dad?
237
00:10:14,701 --> 00:10:16,354
[both chuckling]
238
00:10:19,009 --> 00:10:20,750
Okay, let's see...
239
00:10:20,794 --> 00:10:23,579
6-9-2-3-4-8-3-3.
240
00:10:23,623 --> 00:10:25,842
Just a sec.
241
00:10:25,886 --> 00:10:28,453
[jet roaring]
242
00:10:28,497 --> 00:10:29,759
Boy, sometimes it feels
like they're flying
243
00:10:29,803 --> 00:10:31,152
in your ear
and out the other.
244
00:10:33,720 --> 00:10:35,939
Four-eight-three-three...
245
00:10:35,983 --> 00:10:38,333
Here you go, guy.
Just like you left it.
246
00:10:39,987 --> 00:10:41,162
Thanks, Corporal.
247
00:10:41,205 --> 00:10:42,642
You're welcome.
Take care.
248
00:10:46,733 --> 00:10:48,125
Holy moley!
249
00:10:58,309 --> 00:11:00,442
B.J.:
What's Stars and Stripeshave
to say this morning, Colonel?
250
00:11:00,485 --> 00:11:03,227
Eighty cadets were just
expelled from West Point
251
00:11:03,271 --> 00:11:04,751
for cheating on their exams.
252
00:11:04,794 --> 00:11:06,753
They should all
be sentenced to
this breakfast.
253
00:11:06,796 --> 00:11:08,537
I'm sure sick of
this powdered stuff.
254
00:11:08,580 --> 00:11:10,582
Colonel, couldn't we
once have fresh eggs?
255
00:11:10,626 --> 00:11:12,802
Only if you can lay 'em.
256
00:11:12,846 --> 00:11:15,326
Ask a foolish question...
257
00:11:15,370 --> 00:11:19,026
Well, at least one of you
still remembers his manners.
258
00:11:19,069 --> 00:11:22,812
Not at all. My shorts
were just riding up on me.
259
00:11:22,856 --> 00:11:25,815
Says here Eisenhower's spending
a lot of time playing golf.
260
00:11:25,859 --> 00:11:27,643
More fun than
playing President.
261
00:11:27,687 --> 00:11:30,951
-What's his handicap?
-A lot of people say Nixon.
262
00:11:30,994 --> 00:11:33,214
-Colonel.
-That's me, Radar.
263
00:11:33,257 --> 00:11:35,085
Sir, I have
something to report
264
00:11:35,129 --> 00:11:37,348
that I wish I could
do almost anything
else instead of
265
00:11:37,392 --> 00:11:39,002
but which I guess
I got no choice.
266
00:11:41,309 --> 00:11:43,528
Radar, if you
bring that sentence
in for a fitting,
267
00:11:43,572 --> 00:11:45,356
I can have it
shortened by Wednesday.
268
00:11:45,400 --> 00:11:47,402
One of the casualties, son?
269
00:11:47,445 --> 00:11:49,360
No, sir.
270
00:11:49,404 --> 00:11:52,668
You know that
Colonel Chaffey's gun,
the fancy job...
271
00:11:52,712 --> 00:11:55,671
-bone grips, shiny barrel?
-Yes.
272
00:11:55,715 --> 00:11:57,412
-It's gone.
-Stolen?
273
00:11:57,455 --> 00:11:59,153
It's out of the gun bin.
274
00:11:59,196 --> 00:12:00,937
Anybody but you
handle the keys?
275
00:12:00,981 --> 00:12:03,418
They never leave me.
I sleep with them.
276
00:12:03,461 --> 00:12:04,767
I shower with them.
277
00:12:04,811 --> 00:12:06,682
Rusty they'll never get.
278
00:12:06,726 --> 00:12:08,597
When did you see
the gun last?
279
00:12:08,640 --> 00:12:10,468
Last night, Major Burns
and I stored some rifles.
280
00:12:15,822 --> 00:12:17,040
What are they
starin' at?
281
00:12:17,084 --> 00:12:19,042
Don't worry.
From that angle,
282
00:12:19,086 --> 00:12:20,957
they can't see
under the table.
283
00:12:24,831 --> 00:12:25,832
He couldn't have
taken it, sir.
284
00:12:25,875 --> 00:12:27,311
We both left together.
285
00:12:27,355 --> 00:12:29,661
Someone must have
lifted your keys.
286
00:12:29,705 --> 00:12:31,663
I never should
have gone to sleep.
287
00:12:31,707 --> 00:12:33,100
You can't stay awake
for the duration, Radar.
288
00:12:33,143 --> 00:12:34,666
Even MacArthur
went to sleep.
289
00:12:34,710 --> 00:12:36,712
Only when he was
being given orders.
290
00:12:36,756 --> 00:12:38,714
Radar, we'll turn
the camp inside out.
291
00:12:38,758 --> 00:12:40,063
If it's here,
we'll find it.
292
00:12:40,107 --> 00:12:41,499
We're not gonna
let you spend
293
00:12:41,543 --> 00:12:44,024
15 years in
the stockade.
294
00:12:44,067 --> 00:12:45,590
15 years, sir?
295
00:12:45,634 --> 00:12:47,462
Well, that's what
you can get for this.
296
00:12:50,160 --> 00:12:51,771
I'll be in my 30s.
297
00:12:53,033 --> 00:12:54,512
That's almost dead.
298
00:12:57,864 --> 00:12:59,735
-Father.
-Colonel.
299
00:12:59,779 --> 00:13:02,172
Is it possible to
pray for a revolver?
300
00:13:02,216 --> 00:13:04,348
A gun?
301
00:13:04,392 --> 00:13:06,176
You want to pray
for a gun?
302
00:13:06,220 --> 00:13:09,353
-That's right.
-Is it at least American?
303
00:13:10,441 --> 00:13:11,791
Thanks.
304
00:13:12,879 --> 00:13:14,706
Colonel Chaffey?
305
00:13:14,750 --> 00:13:17,057
I'm Colonel Potter,
C.O. Of the hospital.
306
00:13:17,100 --> 00:13:19,146
Oh, and a fine one
it is, Colonel.
307
00:13:19,189 --> 00:13:20,669
You've taken good care
of a lot of my people.
308
00:13:20,712 --> 00:13:22,497
We've got a pretty good
life-and-limb shop here,
309
00:13:22,540 --> 00:13:25,108
but I, for one, wouldn't
mind goin' out of business.
310
00:13:25,152 --> 00:13:26,544
Lots of headaches?
311
00:13:26,588 --> 00:13:28,024
I've got one right now
312
00:13:28,068 --> 00:13:29,852
that you may have to
take an aspirin for.
313
00:13:29,896 --> 00:13:31,811
Your gun is missing.
314
00:13:31,854 --> 00:13:33,725
Damn it! I had a
feeling that that--
315
00:13:33,769 --> 00:13:35,771
Stolen from the gun bin.
316
00:13:35,815 --> 00:13:38,034
-Well, have you
searched the base?
-Thoroughly.
317
00:13:38,078 --> 00:13:40,776
We've confiscated a ton
of moonshine equipment,
318
00:13:40,820 --> 00:13:42,473
a three-day-pass
printing press,
319
00:13:42,517 --> 00:13:44,084
and a cockfight
training camp.
320
00:13:44,127 --> 00:13:46,042
-But no gun.
-Not yet.
321
00:13:46,086 --> 00:13:48,915
Well, who was in
charge of the gun bin?
322
00:13:48,958 --> 00:13:51,134
-A corporal.
-Corporal who?
323
00:13:51,178 --> 00:13:55,225
What was the
non-com-poop's name?
324
00:13:55,269 --> 00:13:56,357
O'Reilly.
325
00:13:56,400 --> 00:13:57,662
I want him, Colonel.
326
00:13:57,706 --> 00:13:59,186
I'll get him.
327
00:13:59,229 --> 00:14:00,535
Not the whole corporal.
328
00:14:00,578 --> 00:14:02,929
Just his head...
on a platter!
329
00:14:06,019 --> 00:14:08,848
MAN [on P.A.]: Attention, all
personnel. Attention.
330
00:14:08,891 --> 00:14:11,676
Tonight's movie is
Kansas City Confidential.
331
00:14:11,720 --> 00:14:14,418
This will
be of special interest
to anyone who missed it
332
00:14:14,462 --> 00:14:16,986
when it was shown
every night this month.
333
00:14:17,030 --> 00:14:18,901
-Hi, Frank.
-That's what you think.
334
00:14:18,945 --> 00:14:20,816
-Got a minute, Frank?
-For what?
335
00:14:20,860 --> 00:14:22,426
-Nothing really.
-Oh, you can have
all that you want.
336
00:14:22,470 --> 00:14:23,906
Ha ha ha ha ha!
337
00:14:23,950 --> 00:14:26,169
-No funny stuff.
-Us? Frank!
338
00:14:26,213 --> 00:14:27,562
Last time we
were alone,
339
00:14:27,605 --> 00:14:28,911
you whitewashed
my behind.
340
00:14:28,955 --> 00:14:30,347
We've given up
still lifes, Frank.
341
00:14:30,391 --> 00:14:32,828
Take five, fellas.
342
00:14:36,223 --> 00:14:37,833
Well, what do you want?
343
00:14:37,877 --> 00:14:39,226
I mean, if it's money,
I'm strapped myself.
344
00:14:39,269 --> 00:14:40,749
We know, Frank.
345
00:14:40,792 --> 00:14:42,098
You're sending 11 nephews
through ballet school.
346
00:14:42,142 --> 00:14:43,752
-It isn't money.
-Oh, good.
347
00:14:43,795 --> 00:14:44,927
-It's about a gun.
-I haven't touched it.
348
00:14:44,971 --> 00:14:46,798
-Touched what?
-The gun.
349
00:14:46,842 --> 00:14:48,409
-Which gun?
-Whichever one
you're talking about.
350
00:14:48,452 --> 00:14:50,237
-Let us describe it.
-Oh, that's fair enough.
351
00:14:50,280 --> 00:14:51,716
That way you'll know
what you're talking about.
352
00:14:51,760 --> 00:14:53,066
That's not really
necessary for me.
353
00:14:53,109 --> 00:14:54,937
-Eh, it helps us.
-Eh, suit yourself.
354
00:14:54,981 --> 00:14:56,330
[air hissing]
355
00:14:57,809 --> 00:14:59,507
-The gun.
-A collector's item.
356
00:14:59,550 --> 00:15:01,944
-An old western six-shooter.
-The steel is chromed.
357
00:15:01,988 --> 00:15:03,511
-With bone handles.
-Right.
358
00:15:03,554 --> 00:15:05,295
-And I haven't seen it!
-Radar says you did.
359
00:15:05,339 --> 00:15:07,080
That miserable,
little fink.
360
00:15:07,123 --> 00:15:08,777
He's a dirty,
rotten fibber!
361
00:15:08,820 --> 00:15:10,344
It's congenital.
362
00:15:10,387 --> 00:15:12,085
He's incapable of
telling the truth.
363
00:15:12,128 --> 00:15:13,477
Radar is a fibber?
364
00:15:13,521 --> 00:15:15,131
That's right,
a born liar.
365
00:15:15,175 --> 00:15:16,480
-Radar?
-Yes!
366
00:15:16,524 --> 00:15:17,960
He says you
didn't take it.
367
00:15:18,004 --> 00:15:20,093
Well, why would he lie?
368
00:15:20,136 --> 00:15:21,790
-Frank.
-Well, what more do you want?
369
00:15:21,833 --> 00:15:23,444
You've got his word
against mine, and--
370
00:15:23,487 --> 00:15:26,926
Frank, if that gun
doesn't turn up,
371
00:15:26,969 --> 00:15:29,929
Colonel Chaffey is
gonna chuck Radar
in the stockade.
372
00:15:29,972 --> 00:15:31,800
I'm very fond
of Radar, Frank.
373
00:15:31,843 --> 00:15:34,107
He's both the child
and pet I never had.
374
00:15:34,150 --> 00:15:35,630
Well, what's that to me?
375
00:15:35,673 --> 00:15:37,762
Frank, we know how you
appreciate guns.
376
00:15:37,806 --> 00:15:39,895
Isn't it possible, if you
saw a unique old weapon,
377
00:15:39,939 --> 00:15:41,592
you might just want to
borrow it for a while,
378
00:15:41,636 --> 00:15:43,812
-just to study it?
-That's not what happened!
379
00:15:43,855 --> 00:15:45,118
And then you
just couldn't get
it back in time
380
00:15:45,161 --> 00:15:46,641
to get the
heat off Radar?
381
00:15:46,684 --> 00:15:50,297
Frank, don't make us
get the whitewash.
382
00:15:52,125 --> 00:15:53,953
Radar is innocent
until proven guilty.
383
00:15:53,996 --> 00:15:55,650
-Correct?
-Correct.
384
00:15:55,693 --> 00:15:56,999
But he and only he
seems to be entitled
385
00:15:57,043 --> 00:15:59,045
to that sort of
consideration.
386
00:15:59,088 --> 00:16:00,394
Correct?
387
00:16:02,222 --> 00:16:03,571
Hah!
388
00:16:05,660 --> 00:16:07,227
Don't you hate it
when he's right?
389
00:16:07,270 --> 00:16:08,445
Hmm.
390
00:16:08,489 --> 00:16:11,057
♪♪ [ragtime]
391
00:16:17,846 --> 00:16:20,501
Boy, you really
gotta watch out for
yourself in the army.
392
00:16:20,544 --> 00:16:22,720
I found that out, boy.
393
00:16:22,764 --> 00:16:24,940
It's every man
for himself.
394
00:16:24,984 --> 00:16:27,247
-How many beers you had?
-One.
395
00:16:30,424 --> 00:16:32,513
-Take it easy, huh?
-It's okay.
396
00:16:32,556 --> 00:16:34,471
I know just
when to throw up.
397
00:16:36,691 --> 00:16:39,346
Yeah, in the service, you got
to cover up your you-know-what,
398
00:16:39,389 --> 00:16:42,523
or you'll get it kicked.
399
00:16:42,566 --> 00:16:45,656
You'll get your rear end
kicked right in the butt.
400
00:16:45,700 --> 00:16:47,223
You're telling me?
401
00:16:47,267 --> 00:16:50,618
You're probably the only
guy who understands.
402
00:16:50,661 --> 00:16:54,143
I don't know how I smile
through the makeup.
403
00:16:54,187 --> 00:16:56,493
I just hope whoever
swiped that gun
404
00:16:56,537 --> 00:16:58,756
has a lot of fun with it.
405
00:16:58,800 --> 00:17:01,107
I hope he has
a lot of fun with it
406
00:17:01,150 --> 00:17:03,805
while I'm spending
15 years in the stockade.
407
00:17:03,848 --> 00:17:06,242
Ah, you ain't
spending no 15 years.
408
00:17:06,286 --> 00:17:09,028
15 years.
409
00:17:09,071 --> 00:17:13,075
By the time I get out,
I'll be a hardened "crinimal."
410
00:17:13,119 --> 00:17:15,686
Take it easy.
You're getting yourself
all "morosed" up.
411
00:17:15,730 --> 00:17:17,601
First they'll bust me,
412
00:17:17,645 --> 00:17:20,343
and then they'll
take away my stripes.
413
00:17:20,387 --> 00:17:24,043
Do you know how proud
I was to get them?
414
00:17:24,086 --> 00:17:27,263
There's 400 kids
in my old high school--
415
00:17:27,307 --> 00:17:28,612
Ottumwa Central.
416
00:17:30,005 --> 00:17:32,703
Ottumwa. Give me an O.
417
00:17:32,747 --> 00:17:36,316
Give me a T-T-T.
418
00:17:36,359 --> 00:17:38,579
When I made corporal
after basic training,
419
00:17:38,622 --> 00:17:42,452
I sent every one of them
a picture of me in my stripes.
420
00:17:42,496 --> 00:17:46,021
I sat in one of those
four-for-a-quarter booths
421
00:17:46,065 --> 00:17:50,069
and took 400 pictures
of myself.
422
00:17:50,112 --> 00:17:51,896
It cost me 25 bucks,
423
00:17:51,940 --> 00:17:54,464
and I had to sit there
for 16 hours.
424
00:17:54,508 --> 00:17:57,206
But everyone got a picture.
425
00:17:57,250 --> 00:17:58,729
And now they can
just tear them up
426
00:17:58,773 --> 00:18:00,949
because my corporal days
are over.
427
00:18:03,604 --> 00:18:05,084
15 years.
428
00:18:07,608 --> 00:18:10,263
My earthworms will
be dead and buried.
429
00:18:11,786 --> 00:18:14,397
Things don't happen
till they do, you know?
430
00:18:14,441 --> 00:18:16,051
15 years!
431
00:18:19,315 --> 00:18:21,535
I'm going to jail
in my puberty,
432
00:18:21,578 --> 00:18:24,233
and I won't come out
till my adultery.
433
00:18:27,367 --> 00:18:30,370
[clears throat]
434
00:18:30,413 --> 00:18:32,807
Attention, please.
Colonel Potter speaking.
435
00:18:32,850 --> 00:18:35,853
The result of our search
for the missing Colt .45
436
00:18:35,897 --> 00:18:38,639
has been one big goose egg.
437
00:18:38,682 --> 00:18:42,338
The consequences
can be serious.
438
00:18:42,382 --> 00:18:45,254
If whoever stole
the missing gun
will give it back,
439
00:18:45,298 --> 00:18:48,170
there will be
no questions asked.
440
00:18:48,214 --> 00:18:52,392
Your cooperation will be more
than greatly appreciated.
441
00:18:52,435 --> 00:18:53,828
Thank you.
442
00:18:56,831 --> 00:18:58,311
Ahhh.
443
00:20:13,560 --> 00:20:15,431
-[crash]
-Rats!
444
00:20:23,396 --> 00:20:25,528
[keys jingle]
445
00:20:33,710 --> 00:20:35,930
These are probably
for his dumb bicycle.
446
00:20:48,377 --> 00:20:50,597
Excuse me, sir,
Colonel.
447
00:20:50,640 --> 00:20:52,120
What is it?
448
00:20:52,163 --> 00:20:54,644
My name is
Radar O'Reilly.
449
00:20:54,688 --> 00:20:58,431
I'm the guy who
had his picture taken
for 16 hours for nothin'
450
00:20:58,474 --> 00:21:00,476
on account
of your gun.
451
00:21:00,520 --> 00:21:03,436
So you're the man
responsible.
452
00:21:03,479 --> 00:21:05,220
Yes, I am.
453
00:21:05,264 --> 00:21:06,482
And I've got
something to say,
454
00:21:06,526 --> 00:21:09,311
no respect intended.
455
00:21:09,355 --> 00:21:12,706
What do you need a gun
like that for anyway?
456
00:21:12,749 --> 00:21:14,969
Corporal, you're drunk.
457
00:21:15,012 --> 00:21:17,276
[as John Wayne] You better
believe it, Mister,
458
00:21:17,319 --> 00:21:19,234
or I'm dead where you stand.
459
00:21:19,278 --> 00:21:20,888
[gunshot]
460
00:21:22,411 --> 00:21:23,891
My bear went off!
461
00:21:26,894 --> 00:21:29,113
Father! Was that
a shot I just heard?
462
00:21:29,157 --> 00:21:31,681
It may have been.
It sounded like it.
463
00:21:31,725 --> 00:21:34,641
But I don't want to start
any unsubstantiated rumors.
464
00:21:34,684 --> 00:21:35,946
But that's the scuttlebutt.
465
00:21:37,426 --> 00:21:38,558
Thank you, Father.
466
00:21:42,039 --> 00:21:43,302
-[knocking]
-Who is it?
467
00:21:43,345 --> 00:21:44,564
FRANK:
It's me, Margaret.
468
00:21:44,607 --> 00:21:47,262
-Open this stupid door!
-Frank, what?
469
00:21:47,306 --> 00:21:48,481
I've been wounded,
Margaret.
470
00:21:48,524 --> 00:21:50,439
-Help me.
-Frank, where?
471
00:21:50,483 --> 00:21:54,965
In the foot. I was...
cleaning my gun... the Colt...
472
00:21:55,009 --> 00:21:56,358
and it accidentally went off.
473
00:21:56,402 --> 00:21:58,665
Frank, that's not
your gun.
474
00:21:58,708 --> 00:22:00,841
I was passing
the supply room,
475
00:22:00,884 --> 00:22:04,061
and I saw someone trying
to put the colonel's gun
back in the bin,
476
00:22:04,105 --> 00:22:05,367
and I jumped him.
477
00:22:05,411 --> 00:22:07,456
We struggled,
and he shot me!
478
00:22:07,500 --> 00:22:08,979
Or they did.
479
00:22:09,023 --> 00:22:10,372
He may have been
more than one person.
480
00:22:10,416 --> 00:22:12,461
-Careful.
-Okay, okay.
481
00:22:12,505 --> 00:22:15,986
-Oh.
-It just nicked the side.
482
00:22:16,030 --> 00:22:18,249
[whimpering]
Well, it hurts, Margaret.
483
00:22:18,293 --> 00:22:20,469
It may not look bad,
but it's killing me.
484
00:22:20,513 --> 00:22:22,384
I have a low
threshold of pain.
485
00:22:22,428 --> 00:22:25,039
A hemorrhoid can
put me into a coma.
486
00:22:25,082 --> 00:22:26,345
-Frank.
-Hmm?
487
00:22:26,388 --> 00:22:29,826
-You stole that Colt!
-I never!
488
00:22:29,870 --> 00:22:31,654
It's just that
I appreciate guns,
489
00:22:31,698 --> 00:22:33,395
and it's a unique,
old weapon.
490
00:22:33,439 --> 00:22:35,354
So I wanted to
borrow it... to study!
491
00:22:35,397 --> 00:22:38,792
And then people misunderstood,
so I put it back.
492
00:22:38,835 --> 00:22:40,837
Only the key wouldn't fit,
and it was dark.
493
00:22:40,881 --> 00:22:42,143
You lied to me, Frank!
494
00:22:42,186 --> 00:22:44,232
That's worse
than stealing.
495
00:22:44,275 --> 00:22:46,800
Well, I happen to think
stealing is worse than lying.
496
00:22:46,843 --> 00:22:48,628
And you did both!
497
00:22:48,671 --> 00:22:51,021
So I ought to know.
498
00:22:51,065 --> 00:22:53,284
Oh, my foot is throbbing,
Margaret.
499
00:22:53,328 --> 00:22:54,721
Oh, all right.
500
00:22:54,764 --> 00:22:56,287
-I'll get some dressing.
-No, please, later.
501
00:22:56,331 --> 00:22:58,289
Let it quiet down
out there first.
502
00:22:58,333 --> 00:23:00,640
Ohhh.
503
00:23:00,683 --> 00:23:04,034
I did a terrible
thing, Margaret.
504
00:23:04,078 --> 00:23:07,342
Oh, it's all right now.
505
00:23:07,386 --> 00:23:08,996
I should have known better.
506
00:23:09,039 --> 00:23:11,172
Well, at least you regret it.
507
00:23:11,215 --> 00:23:12,739
Oh, never again.
508
00:23:12,782 --> 00:23:14,393
When you
steal something,
509
00:23:14,436 --> 00:23:16,830
don't ever try
to return it.
510
00:23:23,184 --> 00:23:24,533
Sir.
511
00:23:24,577 --> 00:23:25,926
Corporal, I'm glad
we were together
512
00:23:25,969 --> 00:23:27,667
when my gun was found.
513
00:23:27,710 --> 00:23:29,408
Couldn't have proved better
that you were guiltless.
514
00:23:29,451 --> 00:23:32,193
And that I didn't
do it either, sir.
515
00:23:32,236 --> 00:23:34,108
Colonel, as one old
soldier to another,
516
00:23:34,151 --> 00:23:36,415
I'd lose that revolver.
It's a troublemaker.
517
00:23:36,458 --> 00:23:37,851
What do you suggest?
518
00:23:37,894 --> 00:23:39,592
Drop it in the sea.
Give it to a museum.
519
00:23:39,635 --> 00:23:41,768
Put it under
glass somewhere.
520
00:23:41,811 --> 00:23:45,554
It's my gun.
I'll keep it till I die.
521
00:23:45,598 --> 00:23:47,774
And it won't
surprise me a bit.
522
00:23:47,817 --> 00:23:49,384
-Adios.
-So long.
523
00:23:51,908 --> 00:23:53,257
Feel better, Radar?
524
00:23:53,301 --> 00:23:55,434
Except for
my hangover, sir.
525
00:23:55,477 --> 00:23:57,261
Everything's all
jumpy and blurry.
526
00:23:57,305 --> 00:23:58,480
I didn't have a drink,
527
00:23:58,524 --> 00:24:00,047
and I got
the same problem.
528
00:24:25,768 --> 00:24:28,467
What's the matter, Frank?
Kick a brick under a derby?
529
00:24:28,510 --> 00:24:30,686
Maybe the gout,
all that rich food.
530
00:24:30,730 --> 00:24:33,907
Oh, it's, uh, an
old football injury,
if you must know.
531
00:24:33,950 --> 00:24:35,822
It acts up
once in a while.
532
00:24:35,865 --> 00:24:37,519
I wouldn't use
a bandage, Frank.
533
00:24:37,563 --> 00:24:39,129
The powder burns will
heal faster that way.
534
00:24:39,173 --> 00:24:41,784
Well, of course they will.
I know that.
535
00:24:41,828 --> 00:24:45,309
Powder burns?
What are you implying?
536
00:24:45,353 --> 00:24:47,094
Nothing, Frank.
537
00:24:47,137 --> 00:24:49,836
It was just a shot
in the dark.
538
00:24:56,277 --> 00:24:57,844
Check.
539
00:24:57,887 --> 00:24:58,975
Ah.
540
00:24:59,019 --> 00:25:00,020
Ha ha ha ha!
541
00:25:04,851 --> 00:25:06,766
♪♪ [theme]
38741
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