All language subtitles for Family Guy - S09E03 - Welcome Back Carter-ing

♪ It seems today
that all you see

♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values

♪ On which we used to rely?

♪ Lucky there's a family guy

♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do

♪ All the things that make us

♪ Laugh and cry

♪ He's a family guy ♪

Oh, Lois, I'm so glad
you were able to make it
to dinner tonight.

Me, too, Mom.
We haven't seen you
in ages.

There you are.

Did you find
the new bathroom okay?

Uh-huh.

I'm so sorry about
your father keeping us.

He's probably down at the dock

tinkering with that
darn yacht of his.

That's okay, Mom.

We'll just have to
entertain ourselves for...

Hey, Babs,
settle something for us.

I wanted to bring
an owl on this trip,

but Lois wouldn't let me.

Could you have
accommodated an owl?

Well, I suppose
there's some room
in the owlery,

but I can't be certain.

I'll take that as a yes.

You owe Dr. Hoo
an apology.

Hey, can we change the channel?

I'm tired of watching Old Ships.

Peter, that's not a TV,
it's a painting.

Actually, Lois, it is a TV.

It's the PBS show Old Ships.

God, I hate PBS.

This PBS program
is brought to you
by generous grants

from the Arthur Vining Davis
Foundations

and the John D.
and Catherine T. MacArthur
Foundation

in association
with the Corporation
for Public Broadcasting,

with additional funding
by Archer Midland Whiteman

Colgate Palmolive Exxon Mobil,

and a 20 I found in a blazer
I wore to a wedding last year.

Tonight, on Ken Burns'
nine-part series
on street signs,

"Part Four: Yield."

Before they had the sign,

people just run into each other.

I don't know, maybe
you had to see
the first three to get this,

but I am completely lost.

Lois, you said there would be
other men my own age here.

But there aren't, and I'm bored.

Look, Peter,

why don't you just grab
a book off the shelf
and be quiet?

No! Books are jerks.

Stop acting like a brat.

What about a picture book?

Only if it has
a mirror at the end of it,

and it says,
"How about you?"

Wow, look at these
old photos
of you and Dad.

This must be around
the time you guys were
first dating, huh?

Oh, dear, yes.

Your father was
so handsome back then.

I remember the day we met.

It was one of
those lovely, warm
summer days by the shore.

Perfect giant
beach ball weather.

Would you like
another John Barrymore
and soda?

Ah, yes.
Thank you, Clarence.

How are things in Terriblehood?

Terrible, sir.
Good, good.

You dumb bitch!

My friend and I held our breath,

wondering which one of us
he was talking to.

But the lucky one was me.

And from there,
our romance blossomed.

Boy, you can take a punch,

but at the same time,
you cowered a little bit.

Now, that's a woman.

I love you, pussycup.

I love you, too.

Now, let's kiss
while the camera
pans over to the drapes.

Good stuff happening over here.

All implied.

It was
the happiest time
of our lives.

Unfortunately, that was the year

the great war with Alaska
broke out,

and even Carter's
lofty connections

couldn't save him
from the draft.

In one of the bloodiest
battles of the war,

Carter nearly lost his life
in the battle

with the infamous,
walrus-backed Nanookwaffe.

But through all of it,
Carter never forgot
to write to me daily

to send his love
along with a mix tape.

Babs, you want to spend
a mind-blowing afternoon?

Get stoned and
listen to this song.

♪ Jeepers, creepers

♪ Where'd you get
those peepers? ♪

But after some months,
the letters stopped coming,

and I was certain
he had perished.

So I took up
with a young dandy
named Rodginald.

He would bring me
small chocolates

and sit in my front parlor
and pitch woo at me,

taking my hand gently
and singing from bended knee

the popular songs of his youth.

♪ Marry me

♪ And I will
buy you chewing gum

♪ And a hat that
has a giant plume

♪ And if someday
you're feeling rather saucy

♪ You can put
the chewing gum in the hat ♪

With no other suitors
to speak of,

I agreed that I would
marry him forthwith,

even though my heart
still belonged to Carter.

I believe Rodginald knew this,
and he even tried to strike me

in the manner to which
I had become accustomed.

But it wasn't the same.

And then a miracle happened.

Babs!

Carter!

Oh, Carter, you're alive!

I've missed you so.

Babs, be my wife!

Yes, Carter, yes!

Hey, that's my gal!

Dear sir,
I respectfully
urge you

to prepare yourself
for one devil
of a skirmish!

I always love
hearing that
story, Mom.

I got a story about a fat guy
who's starving and bored.

Look, Peter,
if you're
that hungry,

go down to the dock
and find Daddy,
and we'll get dinner started.

You're not gonna
get dinner started.

She's gonna tell
that sloppy old
Spanish maid to do it.

And she will,
but only because
she needs money

to pay for medicine
for her prematurely
overweight son Diabeto.

Mama, may I have cookie?

No, Diabeto,
roll back to kitchen.

Mr. Pewterschmidt!

Mr. Pewterschmidt,
dinner's ready!

Damn it, he can't hear me.

Ah! That was excellent.

When I clenched it,
you took
your fingers away.

You were right to do that.

Oh, my God!

Mr. Pewterschmidt,
you're having an affair?
Ew!

No, no, this is my sister.

Ew!

No, no, no, I'm impotent.

Ew!

I mean, she looked at me
while I did it to myself.

Ew!

I mean, she's a man.
Ew!

We need more
"E's" and "W's"
down here now!

We're trying!
We're running
out of letters!

Just turn
the "M's" upside down
and send them down here!

You can't just do that!
There's a lot of
paperwork before you can...

I don't care!
I'll take the heat!

Just turn them over
and send them down!

Mr. Pewterschmidt,
you're having an affair?

Why don't you say
it a little louder,
you idiot?

But I thought sailors
only slept
with little buoys.

Knock it off!
Now look, Peter,
I... Shut up!

Now, Peter, you can't...
Damn it all, shut up!

Look what you did, you jackass!

What? I didn't
mean to...

Stop it!
It liked my joke.

It won't shut up.

Yes, get me the owlery, please.

Release the owls.

Now, look, Griffin,
you better not
breathe a word

about what you saw here.

But how can you be
having an affair?

What about Babs?

That's not your concern.

You didn't see anything.

Remember that, or I'll ruin you.

Okay, okay, I promise.
I'll be as quiet
as a church mouse.

Hey, Billy,
I was gonna have a party
at the rectory this evening.

Do you like sacramental wine
and mouse
Russell Crowe movies?

Oh, boy, do I!

Hey, can my sister come?

No! She'd ruin it!

Now, remember,
you keep your mouth shut
about what you saw.

Yes, sir,
Mr. Pewterschmidt.

Ah, there you are, boys.

Sorry, sweetheart,
I lost track of time.

Right, Peter?

I'm Peter.

Well, let's eat.

You must be starving, Peter.

What am I, on trial here?

Maybe you should
just eat something, Peter.

Go on, put some food
in your mouth.

Yes, sir, I sure will,
Mr. Cooterschmidt...
Pewterschmidt! Oh, God!

Peter, are you
feeling all right?

Oh, he's fine.

You know how hungry
a man gets
after a day at sea.

He eats with porpoise.

Oh.

Peter, for God's sake,

you're always
an embarrassment
at the table.

You should've seen him

when we had dinner
with Paul McCartney's
ex-wife.

He kept playing
footsie with her
under the table.

Oh, my God, I'm so sorry!

Hey, guys?
I got a problem.

You know how Lois has that dad?

Yeah.

Well, we were there
the other night for dinner,

and I caught him cheating
with some bimbo.

Oh, my God!
You're kidding!

Anyway, he told me
not to tell anybody,

but I'm having
a real hard time
not telling Lois.

How could you not?

Peter, once entered into,
marriage is a sacred bond.

An alliance blessed by God
and hallowed
by the community.

That's why
I'll never opt for
the matrimonial condition.

It wouldn't be fair to
the historical framework
of the institution.

But for those who do,

and then turn their back
on its long-standing
convictions? Shame!

This is unwelcome news,
Peter. Very unwelcome.

Yeah, I know,
but I don't know
what to do.

It's really hard
keeping my mouth shut.

Actually, you know
something, Peter,

this could be
an opportunity for you.

What do you mean?

Well, Lois's dad is loaded.

You could probably
get him to pay
through the nose

to keep your mouth shut.

Yeah, you could really
milk this thing, Peter.

Huh! I never
thought of it like that.

Wait a minute.
You're not serious.
That's totally unethical.

Yeah, Brian,
no one cares
what you think.

Peter, you could
make him your slave!

Oh, man.
He'd hate that even more

than he hates
sitcom two-parters.

Tootie, it's 8:29!

Now either try that beer
or dump it down the sink!
Wait!

Now I have to wait a whole week

to find out if she gave in
to peer pressure
at that drinking party!

Carter! Carter,
wake up!

It's okay, Lois.
Daddy's just
taking your temperature.

What? What is it?

I heard a noise downstairs.

I'll go have a look.

It's probably just the wined.

The wind, dear.

Is that how you say that?
I've only seen
that word written.

Hi, Mr. Pewterschmidt.

Griffin! What the hell
are you doing in my house?

Well, I was getting ready
to watch a movie
on your big TV,

but first I thought
I'd use your hot,
bubbly toilet.

That's not a toilet!

Hey, when's it go down,
by the way?

It's just doing
a lot of loop-de-loops.

Get the hell out of there,
you son of a bitch!

Oh, no, no. No,
you don't get to
talk to me like that anymore.

Not unless you want me
to blab about what
happened on the yacht.

What are you
getting at, Griffin?

That's right,
you're gonna start doing
a lot of stuff for me.

Like what?
Well, for starters,

you got more than one limo?
Yeah.

You and me are
gonna do a limo joust.

What the hell is that?

All right, you ready?

I don't want to do this.

Go!

That went exactly
as I wanted it to go.

All right,
here's your Mike and Ikes
with all the Ikes taken out.

I hope you were careful,
'cause I swear to God,

if I find one Ike in there,
I'm going straight to Babs.

It's fine, I double-checked.

Here's your Mikes.
What's next?

Next,
I want you to fly to France
and tell French people

that a good-looking,
depressed guy
smoking a cigarette

is not a movie.

People of France,

a good-looking, depressed guy

smoking a cigarette

is not a movie,

and your sirens sound like
gay guys having a threesome.

All right, you got
my catchphrases for me?

I just want you to know
this was a huge
pain in the ass.

"Peter's new catchphrases,
by Carter Pewterschmidt."

Title's all business.
I like that.

Also, I've been
under the weather lately,

so it may not be my best work.

"Shape up or
show me your balls."

That's good.

Really?

How about this one?
"In your face,
Nancy Grace."

I love it.

Oh, man, there are
a lot of good ones here.

"Fire alarm?
I am the fire alarm.

"Find your own
beach house, crabby.

"Put that in your office
and frame it."

The last one's kind of lame.

Did you get down
to the one
at the bottom there?

Which one?
"On your mark,
get set, terrible."

No, this one here.

"If you've got a problem,
take it up with my butt.

"He's the only one
that gives a crap."

Oh, my God! That's it.
Yeah.

That's the one.
I thought you'd like...

You are...

Peter, dinner.

Take it up with my butt,

'cause he's the only one
who gives a crap.

Wow, what a great sentence.

You know, Lois,
I've noticed
Peter and Carter

spending a lot of time
together lately.

It's nice to see
them finally getting on.

I know.
Who would have
thought?

Boy, I can't
wait to get this home.

You know, I keep not laughing
at The Big Bang Theory,

and I figure it's got to be
the television, you know?

TV this size, forget it.

It'll have me laughing
till I got snots
falling out of my nose.

Carter, where are you
taking our television?

I'm giving it to Peter.

What? Why?

Yeah, why, Carter?

Because Peter is the best

and he is awesome
and he makes better
laser sounds than I do.

God damn right.
You hear that, Lois?

And he's not just saying that
'cause I covered for him
about his affair.

What?

Carter, is this true?

Yes, it's true.

Oh, dear!

Well, on your mark,
get set, terrible.

No, no,
but I understand
that this is bad.

You stupid fat bastard!

How could you tell her
I had an affair?
We had a deal!

Look, I think
you're blowing this
out of proportion, Carter.

She's divorcing me!

Well, I don't blame her.

Daddy, how could
you do this to Mom?

You two were perfect together.

It was such a close marriage.

You know,
maybe the two of you
splitting up

is a blessing in disguise.

I mean, there are obviously
some problems in
your relationship.

Who knows,
maybe some time apart
could be just what you need.

Yeah, plus think
of all the fun stuff
you can do as a single guy.

Like going to loud,
awful bars and
not being able to hear

the mediocre-looking chick
next to you say
something stupid.

It's going to be awesome.

I don't know
how to do
anything like that.

It's easy.

I'll help you
meet some women,
Mr. Pewterschmidt.

Come on, it's been 50 years
since I've been on a date.

Well, how'd you
get that chick
on the boat, then?

You know how in that movie

Liam Neeson gets
his daughter back?

Yeah.

Well, that was
one of the girls their dad
didn't get back.

What kind of joint is this?
Where's the cigarette girl?

Yeah, they don't
have those anymore.

Peter, I don't know about this.

I haven't even had
normal sexual relations
in a long time.

With Babs,
I usually finish in my hand
and just throw it at her.

Look, relax, will you?

Here, I got these off a website

that tells you
good things to say
when hot women walk by.

Here comes a hot one.
Say the first
thing on the list.

I love getting
trendy cupcakes in
the middle of the day

for no reason.

No way.
So do I.

Hi. I'm Paula.

Carter.
How do you do?

Hey, why don't
you and your friend

come join us over at our table?

- Peter Griffin.
- How do you do?

We would love to.

Hey, girls, these are
my two new friends.

Hello, ladies.
My name is Carter,

and I require
a tremendous amount
of calcium.

Carter, come here.
Sit next to me.

This is fun.
We're having fun.

Hey, what do you say
we get some drinks?

Hey, boy. Boy,

fetch me
a John Barrymore
and soda,

and three Myrna Loys
for the women.

Excuse me?

What the hell is
your problem, you jerk?

What?
Does he belong to
somebody else?

Come on, girls,
let's ditch
this racist dick.

What happened?
Did we get laid?

You jackass.

Those women
were coming on to you
and you blew it.

Now we got to go
to another club
and start all over again.

Peter, I don't want
to go to another club.

I don't want women like that.

I want Babs.

Babs?

You got a room full
of chicks like that

and you're thinking about Babs?

She looks like
someone farted in a shoe.

I had a moment of weakness,
but I know now
that I was wrong.

I need her, Peter.
I love her.

You got to help me get her back.

Well, it's probably
the right move anyway.

Those girls seemed
kind of annoying.

Look at them over there
taking a group
picture together.

I love you!

I love you!

We're all such good friends!

You can tell by the way
we're pressing
our faces together.

And that's where
fat girls come from.

Okay, Carter, if
there's one thing girls like,
it's a guy with tattoos.

When Babs sees this one,
she's totally
gonna take you back.

Nice. What's the tattoo?

It's great.
It's a donkey's vagina.

How is that gonna...

Peter, stop him!

No, this is good.
This means I did a good job.

All right,
if I've learned anything
from romantic comedies,

it's that the ex-wife
always falls in love
with her husband again

after he befriends a little kid.

Okay.

And the kid
needs to be really cute,

so I ordered Jonathan Lipnicki.

There's the cute little guy now.

Hang on.

Oh, my God!
What happened to you!

We got to get you
to the hospital!

You're hideous!

Who did this to you?

Where are my keys?
Where's my keys?
Where are my keys?

Peter, what about Babs?

Forget about yourself
for a second, Carter.

Look what has happened
to Jonathan Lipnicki.

Oh! Yeah.
No, you're right.

You should probably
take care of that.
I'll be here.

All right, look, Carter,
I think this will
definitely work.

Now as soon as she sees you,

you've got to do
exactly what I...

Hey, whose Duesenberg
is that parked
in the driveway?

There's only one man I know
who drives a Duesenberg.

♪ And I will buy you laudanum
and rhubarb cakes

♪ To balance out
your fragile
body's humors ♪

Babs, I don't wish
to overwhelm you
with my passions,

but I must say this.

I'm ever so content.

Oh, I am too, Rodginald.

Do you think perhaps one day,

if we should marry,
that I could
sit beside you?

Yes, I think that would be fine.

Get away from my wife,
you rascal!

Such language in
the presence of a lady.

If it's a row you want,
I will cleave you in twixt!

Hang on, Carter,
I think I know how to
take this guy down.

Penis.

Carter, get out of here
this instant!

I don't ever want
to see you again.

Pussycup, please.

Mrs. Pewterschmidt,
Carter has something
important to say to you.

I'll set the mood.

♪ Bird, bird, bird

♪ Bird's the word

♪ Bird, bird, bird

♪ Bird's the word

♪ Well, don't you know
about the bird?

♪ Well, everybody knows
that the bird is the word ♪

Peter, I kind of want
to do this on my own.

Babs, I need you.

Cheating on you
was the worst mistake
of my life.

I kneel before you
a frightened soul
and a broken man.

A man who has nothing
without you.

Give me one more chance,

and I pledge to
place above you nothing,
not even myself,

for all my time here,
and for time forever.

Please, I beg you.

Carter, what you did
was unforgivable.

And as beautiful
as your words are,

I just don't know that
they can fix what's done.

I know I can't do it overnight,

but we can still have
a lot of years together.

Please, just let me try.

Carter, you had sex
with that woman.

So, no, I can't trust you.

But at my age,
I'm certainly not
going to remarry either.

So, if you'd like to
move back in

and take things slowly,
one step at a time,

I suppose I can
give you the chance
to earn my trust again.

That sounds
like a lot of work.
Go to hell!

Carter, what are we here for?
What are we here for?

All right,
all right,
fine, fine.

I'm gonna try.

Come here, you.

Hey, look,
I found a genie's lamp.

No? Okay, well,
maybe next week.

ENGLISH - US - LINE 21