Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:03,480 --> 00:00:08,076
Tickets this way
for the Chatsworth Express!
2
00:00:08,160 --> 00:00:11,630
Come and watch pikeys
making a mess of the lives
3
00:00:11,720 --> 00:00:15,076
they were given by him upstairs
4
00:00:15,160 --> 00:00:19,153
and kids they're convinced
aren't actually theirs.
5
00:00:19,240 --> 00:00:22,198
What sounds on earth
could ever replace
6
00:00:22,280 --> 00:00:25,431
kids needing money
or wives in your face?
7
00:00:25,520 --> 00:00:27,909
Cos this, people reckon,
and me included,
8
00:00:28,000 --> 00:00:31,993
is why pubs and drugs
were kindly invented
9
00:00:32,080 --> 00:00:37,837
to calm us all down
and stop us going mental.
10
00:00:37,920 --> 00:00:41,469
These are Chatsworth Estate's
basic essentials.
11
00:00:41,560 --> 00:00:45,712
We are worth every penny
for grinding your axes.
12
00:00:45,800 --> 00:00:49,873
You shit on our heads,
but you pay the taxes.
13
00:00:53,440 --> 00:00:57,399
Imagine a Britain
without Chatsworth buccaneers
14
00:00:57,480 --> 00:00:59,835
who'd come on your face
for the price of a beer.
15
00:00:59,920 --> 00:01:03,754
Make poverty history,
cheaper drugs now!
16
00:01:04,480 --> 00:01:07,790
Make poverty history,
cheaper drugs now!
17
00:01:07,880 --> 00:01:09,074
HE LAUGHS
18
00:01:09,160 --> 00:01:11,469
Scatter.
19
00:01:11,560 --> 00:01:13,198
Party!
20
00:01:21,240 --> 00:01:23,196
(Monica) I wrote a poem.
21
00:01:23,280 --> 00:01:25,669
There was a young woman
from Chatsworth
22
00:01:25,760 --> 00:01:30,709
Who had dreams, ambitions,
and other stuff
23
00:01:30,800 --> 00:01:33,553
But she lost her good cheer,
24
00:01:33,640 --> 00:01:35,153
and ended up here...
25
00:01:41,320 --> 00:01:44,437
But I can't finish it.
Can't think of the last line.
26
00:01:44,520 --> 00:01:49,833
Frank, she's gone over.
We've got time.
27
00:01:49,920 --> 00:01:53,435
Don't need any foreplay,
I can get meself going.
28
00:01:53,520 --> 00:01:55,988
A quick in and out will do.
29
00:01:56,080 --> 00:01:57,752
Yeah, yeah... Go on.
30
00:01:59,360 --> 00:02:01,590
Knock yourself out.
31
00:02:02,680 --> 00:02:05,148
HE SNORES
32
00:02:05,240 --> 00:02:07,515
Oh, Christ.
33
00:02:08,600 --> 00:02:10,750
(Carl) Aah... Come on!
34
00:02:10,840 --> 00:02:13,115
At least somebody's getting some.
35
00:02:13,200 --> 00:02:14,679
BABY STARTS CRYING
36
00:02:14,760 --> 00:02:16,159
SHE SIGHS
37
00:02:23,400 --> 00:02:24,992
Agh!
38
00:02:28,080 --> 00:02:29,752
Come on!
39
00:02:32,920 --> 00:02:33,909
(Debbie) Carl!
40
00:02:34,000 --> 00:02:35,353
Fuck off!
41
00:02:35,440 --> 00:02:37,874
I'm touching cloth here!
42
00:02:37,960 --> 00:02:39,313
I'm having a piss.
43
00:02:39,400 --> 00:02:40,549
What, for 40 minutes?
44
00:02:40,640 --> 00:02:41,709
Really?
45
00:02:41,800 --> 00:02:43,597
It's been 40 minutes?
46
00:02:43,680 --> 00:02:45,511
Duh!
47
00:02:45,600 --> 00:02:47,272
Yeah, well...
I've got a big bladder.
48
00:02:48,360 --> 00:02:49,873
Carl!
49
00:02:52,480 --> 00:02:53,754
That's your lot.
50
00:02:53,840 --> 00:02:56,149
Yeah, well, you'll have to wait,
I can't find the gin.
51
00:02:56,240 --> 00:02:57,309
Down there, on the left.
52
00:03:01,800 --> 00:03:04,234
Feel free to roll
your tongue back in.
53
00:03:04,320 --> 00:03:07,357
Suppose there's no chance of a quickie?
Go on, for old times' sake?
54
00:03:07,440 --> 00:03:08,395
I'm a married woman.
55
00:03:08,480 --> 00:03:10,630
Not even a hand job?
56
00:03:10,720 --> 00:03:13,553
Not unless you want to take
your knob home in a jiffy bag.
57
00:03:13,640 --> 00:03:14,868
The sister-in-law?
58
00:03:14,960 --> 00:03:16,109
Shut up.
59
00:03:17,960 --> 00:03:19,359
He's harmless.
60
00:03:21,840 --> 00:03:23,796
Listen, I wanted to ask...
61
00:03:23,880 --> 00:03:28,556
You don't mind if I have someone
stay over Friday night?
62
00:03:28,640 --> 00:03:30,710
Course not, why would I?
63
00:03:30,800 --> 00:03:32,233
No.
64
00:03:34,080 --> 00:03:36,992
Right...! "Stay over."
65
00:03:38,960 --> 00:03:41,076
Course. You live here an' all.
66
00:03:41,160 --> 00:03:43,071
It's the first time...
67
00:03:43,160 --> 00:03:44,149
you know...
68
00:03:44,240 --> 00:03:47,038
Fuck off!
You haven't shagged him yet?
69
00:03:47,120 --> 00:03:49,236
What are you, a nun?
70
00:03:49,320 --> 00:03:52,710
Is it compulsory to use your knickers
as ankle-warmers on your first date?
71
00:03:52,800 --> 00:03:56,395
All right, no need to get
your chastity belt in a twist.
72
00:03:56,480 --> 00:03:58,277
Not another word from me.
73
00:03:58,360 --> 00:04:00,112
Any road, we'd better get our skates on.
74
00:04:02,600 --> 00:04:04,192
Carl!
75
00:04:04,280 --> 00:04:06,236
All right, sexy.
Joined Randall and Hopkirk, have we?
76
00:04:06,320 --> 00:04:07,958
Fuck off, I'm late.
77
00:04:09,040 --> 00:04:10,996
Thought we were going in town?
78
00:04:11,080 --> 00:04:12,149
I've got nothing to wear.
79
00:04:12,240 --> 00:04:14,595
You've got nothing to wear
to go clothes shopping?
80
00:04:14,680 --> 00:04:15,635
Got no money, either.
81
00:04:15,720 --> 00:04:17,233
D'you wanna eat this toast or wear it?
82
00:04:17,320 --> 00:04:20,357
Battle of the sexes, gorgeous.
By the time you're old enough
83
00:04:20,440 --> 00:04:23,079
to realise you're in a war
you'll have already lost it.
84
00:04:23,160 --> 00:04:26,789
What is it with girls and touching?
You don't always have to be touching!
85
00:04:26,880 --> 00:04:28,836
And you shouldn't
be shop-lifting either!
86
00:04:28,920 --> 00:04:30,797
- All right, son?
- No!
87
00:04:30,880 --> 00:04:31,835
Good.
88
00:04:31,920 --> 00:04:32,909
All right, Mr G?
89
00:04:33,000 --> 00:04:35,036
Pleased to see me?
90
00:04:36,800 --> 00:04:40,349
- Careful what you wish for, cheeky.
- Oh, yeah?
91
00:04:40,440 --> 00:04:42,908
So now you're feeling frisky?
92
00:04:43,000 --> 00:04:45,639
Well... it's just... a laugh.
93
00:04:45,720 --> 00:04:47,392
Five minutes.
94
00:05:01,400 --> 00:05:04,073
Oi! Show some respect.
95
00:05:04,160 --> 00:05:06,799
I hate this. Gives me t'creeps.
96
00:05:06,880 --> 00:05:10,634
Don't worry,
Scrappy Doo'll protect you.
97
00:05:10,720 --> 00:05:12,915
It's an annual pilgrimage.
98
00:05:13,000 --> 00:05:16,754
Mimi sits here all day,
we get excused after an hour.
99
00:05:16,840 --> 00:05:18,910
I'm all dressed up
so's I can stand out here
100
00:05:19,000 --> 00:05:20,672
freezing me knackers off
for an hour?
101
00:05:20,760 --> 00:05:22,591
Apparently blood's
thicker than water.
102
00:05:22,680 --> 00:05:24,671
It's not thicker than
fucking voddie, though, is it?
103
00:05:24,760 --> 00:05:26,079
THEY LAUGH
104
00:05:28,160 --> 00:05:31,470
What for? All right,
speak to you later. Ta-ra.
105
00:05:31,560 --> 00:05:33,278
State of him.
106
00:05:35,960 --> 00:05:40,112
Hey, saw that new girl of yours.
Only went into a shop for a pint of milk
107
00:05:40,200 --> 00:05:41,599
and there she is.
108
00:05:41,680 --> 00:05:44,194
I mean, for a hooker...
All that fucking hair...
109
00:05:44,280 --> 00:05:45,838
Biggest turn-off going.
110
00:05:45,920 --> 00:05:48,434
About as sexy as a pig in a skirt.
111
00:05:48,520 --> 00:05:50,272
What the fuck?
112
00:05:51,360 --> 00:05:54,113
It's all right, Mum, we'll fix it.
113
00:05:55,200 --> 00:05:58,272
Look at how upset it's making him!
114
00:05:58,360 --> 00:06:00,794
He's not grieving, he's hung over.
115
00:06:00,880 --> 00:06:02,757
Clear it up, now.
116
00:06:04,320 --> 00:06:05,719
Now!
117
00:06:06,840 --> 00:06:07,795
Nowl
118
00:06:19,160 --> 00:06:20,559
Fuck!
119
00:06:21,560 --> 00:06:22,515
Sorry!
120
00:06:26,200 --> 00:06:31,593
I was bringing you a cuppa,
see if I could work in some small-talk.
121
00:06:31,680 --> 00:06:34,353
Think we've gone beyond that.
122
00:06:39,040 --> 00:06:40,996
Fuck... Shit... Stop!
123
00:06:41,080 --> 00:06:42,832
What?!
124
00:06:43,920 --> 00:06:45,558
I didn't know... I'm sorry.
125
00:06:45,640 --> 00:06:47,790
What, him?
He's not my bloke, he's my brother.
126
00:06:47,880 --> 00:06:51,714
We share the house.
Hurry up, before I lose me erection.
127
00:06:51,800 --> 00:06:55,156
Well... But isn't it weird...
him being there?
128
00:06:55,240 --> 00:06:57,515
Since when was watching
against the law?
129
00:07:07,280 --> 00:07:09,430
It's a fucking joke.
Not family enough to visit t'grave
130
00:07:09,520 --> 00:07:11,954
but it's all hands to t'pump
to scrub the bastard!
131
00:07:12,040 --> 00:07:14,235
It's cos you're girls,
you do a better job.
132
00:07:14,320 --> 00:07:16,595
Don't, Karen, I'll throw up again.
133
00:07:16,680 --> 00:07:18,079
- We're leaving.
- Lightweight.
134
00:07:18,160 --> 00:07:20,230
Fuck off, Micky.
135
00:07:23,760 --> 00:07:25,398
You sure you'll be all right?
136
00:07:28,160 --> 00:07:30,390
This can never happen again.
137
00:07:30,480 --> 00:07:33,677
It won't, angel...
138
00:07:33,760 --> 00:07:35,239
I promise.
139
00:07:42,280 --> 00:07:43,474
Here you go.
140
00:07:46,640 --> 00:07:47,914
It's only 20.
141
00:07:48,000 --> 00:07:49,513
I know. Weather we're having,
142
00:07:49,600 --> 00:07:52,160
expect I'll need done again
before the week's out.
143
00:07:52,240 --> 00:07:53,593
No problem.
144
00:07:57,680 --> 00:08:00,478
I said to your dad,
"No way that's a turkey,"
145
00:08:00,560 --> 00:08:03,518
but Bernie the butcher swore by it.
146
00:08:03,600 --> 00:08:07,275
Suppose they do look similar,
though, plucked.
147
00:08:07,360 --> 00:08:09,032
A turkey and a swan.
148
00:08:10,640 --> 00:08:12,676
So not the best Christmas.
149
00:08:24,240 --> 00:08:25,195
Poor cow.
150
00:08:26,920 --> 00:08:29,639
Why's it always the mothers
that bear the burden?
151
00:08:34,400 --> 00:08:36,755
C'mon, having a bite here.
152
00:08:36,840 --> 00:08:38,193
You can have a bite of me.
153
00:08:41,040 --> 00:08:42,439
I've got sauce on me now.
154
00:08:45,480 --> 00:08:46,515
What?
155
00:08:47,760 --> 00:08:49,751
What?
156
00:08:49,840 --> 00:08:52,070
I want...
157
00:08:52,160 --> 00:08:54,594
I need a bit of intimacy.
158
00:08:54,680 --> 00:08:57,433
I'm not just a fucking baby machine.
159
00:08:57,520 --> 00:08:59,397
Yeah, but, you know,
the timing's wrong.
160
00:08:59,480 --> 00:09:01,789
The timing's always wrong.
161
00:09:01,880 --> 00:09:03,359
No...
162
00:09:03,440 --> 00:09:06,477
No, I mean, you're still, you know,
163
00:09:06,560 --> 00:09:08,437
carrying a bit of baby fat,
aren't you,
164
00:09:08,520 --> 00:09:10,556
so I... would have thought you...
165
00:09:10,640 --> 00:09:14,633
you wouldn't... want to... flaunt it.
166
00:09:14,720 --> 00:09:19,589
I'm still a woman, I still need love.
Seven kids I've given you!
167
00:09:19,680 --> 00:09:22,035
When have I ever cast it up?
168
00:09:22,120 --> 00:09:24,315
Ever!
169
00:09:24,400 --> 00:09:26,356
You bastard!
170
00:09:26,440 --> 00:09:29,512
SMASHING, CLANGING
171
00:09:29,600 --> 00:09:32,592
Hey, nobody's saying
you've got to be Liz Hurley.
172
00:09:32,680 --> 00:09:34,636
Fuck you, you fucker!
173
00:09:34,720 --> 00:09:37,075
But you're not eating for two
any more, are you?
174
00:09:37,160 --> 00:09:40,197
I'll fucking show you
fucking love handles!
175
00:09:40,280 --> 00:09:42,077
Would you rather I lied to you?
176
00:09:42,160 --> 00:09:44,674
Piss off! You twat!
177
00:09:44,760 --> 00:09:46,876
Oh, here we go, another pair.
178
00:09:46,960 --> 00:09:48,678
Female of the species.
179
00:09:48,760 --> 00:09:51,877
Victims of biology and the
unbearable lightness of shopping.
180
00:09:51,960 --> 00:09:53,791
Oh, and whose fault is it?
181
00:09:53,880 --> 00:09:56,189
Societal pressure created by men!
182
00:10:06,160 --> 00:10:08,276
Oh, come on, then.
183
00:10:09,360 --> 00:10:11,749
What's the view from
the leaf-blowing brigade?
184
00:10:11,840 --> 00:10:13,671
You really are a useless prick,
aren't you?
185
00:10:13,760 --> 00:10:14,875
I'm not.
186
00:10:14,960 --> 00:10:16,996
Just think what that
woman's given up for you.
187
00:10:17,080 --> 00:10:21,198
What, you? Giant fucking
Yoda in a shell suit?
188
00:10:21,280 --> 00:10:23,953
That's right,
revert to your default position.
189
00:10:24,040 --> 00:10:25,553
Abusive.
190
00:10:26,640 --> 00:10:28,995
Don't examine
your own behaviour, whatever you do,
191
00:10:29,080 --> 00:10:32,470
because you're a great catch,
aren't you, Frank?
192
00:10:32,560 --> 00:10:34,437
Husband, helper, lover.
193
00:10:36,080 --> 00:10:37,433
You're going to lose her.
194
00:10:38,440 --> 00:10:39,634
No, I'm not.
195
00:10:39,720 --> 00:10:41,915
SHE LAUGHS
196
00:10:44,680 --> 00:10:47,592
'Ey, don't fucking laugh at me...
197
00:10:47,680 --> 00:10:50,478
Cos it's the lowest form of wit.
198
00:10:53,360 --> 00:10:55,999
D'you mind?
The ladies' loos are flooded.
199
00:10:56,080 --> 00:10:57,513
No.
200
00:11:06,960 --> 00:11:10,714
Sorry. I don't really need to go,
it's just...
201
00:11:10,800 --> 00:11:11,755
What?
202
00:11:11,840 --> 00:11:14,798
When was the last time
you did a bit of...
203
00:11:14,880 --> 00:11:16,313
gardening?
204
00:11:21,400 --> 00:11:24,710
I know it's none of my business, but,
it's your big date on Friday,
205
00:11:24,800 --> 00:11:27,872
and I know it's been a long time,
and Joe said...
206
00:11:27,960 --> 00:11:29,075
Joe said what?
207
00:11:29,160 --> 00:11:30,752
About as sexy as a pig in a skirt.
208
00:11:30,840 --> 00:11:33,274
That he doesn't like hairy women.
209
00:11:33,360 --> 00:11:36,352
They're totally disgusting
and it makes him wanna puke.
210
00:11:37,440 --> 00:11:38,919
A fucking Barbie doll?
211
00:11:39,000 --> 00:11:41,275
Smooth bump at the front?
212
00:11:41,360 --> 00:11:45,638
It's natural. What kind of person
thinks body hair is disgusting,
213
00:11:45,720 --> 00:11:47,233
a massive turn-off?
214
00:11:47,320 --> 00:11:50,312
The hoops we fucking jump through!
215
00:11:50,400 --> 00:11:52,277
I just thought you'd wanna know!
216
00:11:58,920 --> 00:12:00,114
You all right, mate?
217
00:12:00,200 --> 00:12:01,553
Yeah, grand.
218
00:12:04,520 --> 00:12:05,475
What?
219
00:12:05,560 --> 00:12:09,599
Well, this is really fucking weird,
because she's me sister, but...
220
00:12:09,680 --> 00:12:12,638
Well, I know
it's your big night Friday.
221
00:12:12,720 --> 00:12:14,950
She doesn't like hairy men.
222
00:12:15,040 --> 00:12:16,234
What?
223
00:12:16,320 --> 00:12:17,992
She doesn't like men with hair.
224
00:12:18,080 --> 00:12:19,274
What, you mean...
225
00:12:19,360 --> 00:12:21,555
Jesus, no! Lt'd look like
a one-eyed turkey,
226
00:12:21,640 --> 00:12:23,915
plucked and ready for the oven!
Your chest...
227
00:12:25,520 --> 00:12:29,911
Well, I've seen you after games,
you're not exactly lacking, are ya?
228
00:12:30,000 --> 00:12:30,955
She really hates it?
229
00:12:31,040 --> 00:12:32,553
Disgusts her.
230
00:12:32,640 --> 00:12:35,393
Doesn't think she could be
with a hairy guy.
231
00:12:37,200 --> 00:12:38,519
Sorry, mate.
232
00:12:42,640 --> 00:12:43,993
How was that?
233
00:12:44,080 --> 00:12:47,914
Stanley Waterman,
if muff-diving were an Olympic sport,
234
00:12:48,000 --> 00:12:50,514
you'd be a national fucking hero.
235
00:12:50,600 --> 00:12:52,113
Do you hang weights off your tongue?
236
00:12:52,200 --> 00:12:53,269
Your turn.
237
00:12:53,360 --> 00:12:55,430
I'm knackered, Stan.
238
00:12:55,520 --> 00:12:57,954
There's no way I could
work up the energy.
239
00:12:59,680 --> 00:13:01,432
If you don't mind me saying...
240
00:13:01,520 --> 00:13:03,556
But you're always too knackered
when it's my turn these days.
241
00:13:03,640 --> 00:13:05,153
Am I?
242
00:13:05,240 --> 00:13:08,755
It's your own fault.
You're too bloomin' good.
243
00:13:08,840 --> 00:13:10,034
Yvonne.
244
00:13:12,520 --> 00:13:16,274
- Yvonne?
- It's the wart, Stan.
245
00:13:16,360 --> 00:13:17,509
The wart.
246
00:13:17,600 --> 00:13:19,318
I thought you hadn't noticed.
247
00:13:19,400 --> 00:13:20,674
Noticed?
248
00:13:20,760 --> 00:13:24,070
It's almost had me eye out
five times.
249
00:13:24,160 --> 00:13:27,118
It's like your bell-end's
grown another head.
250
00:13:27,200 --> 00:13:29,794
It's only a wart, love.
251
00:13:29,880 --> 00:13:31,472
They can easily be removed.
252
00:13:31,560 --> 00:13:33,516
Like a verruca. Tssst!
253
00:13:40,560 --> 00:13:42,073
It's rubbish, innit?
254
00:13:42,160 --> 00:13:44,196
No, it's just...
255
00:13:44,280 --> 00:13:47,750
This bit about "Running his tongue
round her burning Volvo..."
256
00:13:47,840 --> 00:13:49,751
It's a typing error, right?
257
00:13:49,840 --> 00:13:52,798
Well, I used spell-check.
I'm no good with the Latin words.
258
00:13:52,880 --> 00:13:54,916
And same when she gives him
"a blow-dry".
259
00:13:55,000 --> 00:13:57,833
No, I meant that.
She's an 'airdresser.
260
00:13:57,920 --> 00:13:58,875
Oh.
261
00:13:58,960 --> 00:14:00,075
Oh, yous hate it.
262
00:14:00,160 --> 00:14:02,151
- No, we don't...
- It's a bit gay, Micky.
263
00:14:02,240 --> 00:14:04,959
How is this gay?
264
00:14:05,040 --> 00:14:06,712
"He bent her over the cement mixer,
265
00:14:06,800 --> 00:14:11,476
"spread her arse cheeks wide, and
slid the length of his girder inside.
266
00:14:11,560 --> 00:14:14,597
"The only sound interrupting her
moans was the rattle of her hard hat
267
00:14:14,680 --> 00:14:17,194
"inside the empty mixer, as
it went round and round and round..."
268
00:14:17,280 --> 00:14:18,395
It's a building site.
269
00:14:18,480 --> 00:14:21,517
So? You get women builders.
270
00:14:21,600 --> 00:14:24,637
Straight or not, I'm as wet
as a fisherman's sou'wester,
271
00:14:24,720 --> 00:14:27,234
just listening to it.
Upstairs, the pair of ya.
272
00:14:28,680 --> 00:14:30,432
Ahh!
273
00:14:31,320 --> 00:14:33,470
Sorry about that.
274
00:14:33,560 --> 00:14:35,710
S'all right, happens.
275
00:14:35,800 --> 00:14:38,075
It's just bad timing,
276
00:14:38,160 --> 00:14:40,594
you two coming first. Again!
277
00:14:42,680 --> 00:14:44,113
She's not stupid, you know.
278
00:14:44,200 --> 00:14:46,509
She must be if she thinks
you're still in the closet.
279
00:14:46,600 --> 00:14:48,556
Shut up!
WATER RUNS
280
00:14:48,640 --> 00:14:51,234
That's how you're
into swinging, innit?
281
00:14:51,320 --> 00:14:53,038
You're a poof trapped
in a straight marriage.
282
00:14:53,120 --> 00:14:55,680
Hey, I'm not a poof.
283
00:14:55,760 --> 00:14:59,958
Yeah? So how come you've got a stiffie,
as soon as she left the room?
284
00:15:03,000 --> 00:15:04,672
I love her.
285
00:15:07,320 --> 00:15:09,834
When was the last time
you had straight sex with her?
286
00:15:10,880 --> 00:15:11,949
Micky...
287
00:15:13,440 --> 00:15:14,634
I think I love you, too.
288
00:15:21,840 --> 00:15:24,308
Well, tomorrow...
289
00:15:24,400 --> 00:15:26,391
we have this out.
290
00:15:26,480 --> 00:15:28,118
The three of us.
291
00:15:34,000 --> 00:15:35,956
What are you doing?
292
00:15:36,560 --> 00:15:39,472
I. Am. Helping.
293
00:15:42,360 --> 00:15:44,191
Oh, fuck's sake.
294
00:15:44,280 --> 00:15:46,714
Looking foxy, Mrs G.
295
00:15:46,800 --> 00:15:48,472
Thank you, Maxine.
296
00:15:53,000 --> 00:15:54,831
BABY CRIES
297
00:15:56,560 --> 00:15:58,437
What's up wi' your mum?
298
00:15:58,520 --> 00:15:59,873
General or specific?
299
00:15:59,960 --> 00:16:02,394
General - she wasn't born
into the Royal Family.
300
00:16:02,480 --> 00:16:04,789
Specific - she's 43 going on 14.
301
00:16:06,720 --> 00:16:09,359
- I'm pissing.
- What, all day, every day?
302
00:16:10,880 --> 00:16:11,915
Debs, wait.
303
00:16:16,160 --> 00:16:18,230
I'll just unload, shall I?
304
00:16:19,600 --> 00:16:20,794
I can't piss.
305
00:16:20,880 --> 00:16:22,677
You're getting plenty of practice.
306
00:16:22,760 --> 00:16:26,548
No, I mean... I can't piss.
307
00:16:26,640 --> 00:16:29,552
A little bit comes out,
but it hurts like fuck.
308
00:16:29,640 --> 00:16:30,993
And it itches all the time.
309
00:16:31,080 --> 00:16:34,277
- Use a condom, don't ya?
- Course I do.
310
00:16:34,360 --> 00:16:35,554
Usually.
311
00:16:35,640 --> 00:16:37,551
You've got an STD.
312
00:16:37,640 --> 00:16:40,552
- Have I fuck!
- Fine, you haven't.
313
00:16:40,640 --> 00:16:41,595
What should I do?
314
00:16:41,680 --> 00:16:42,635
Clinic.
315
00:16:44,360 --> 00:16:45,759
No way!
316
00:16:51,640 --> 00:16:53,073
(Liam) Stay back!
317
00:16:53,160 --> 00:16:57,153
SHOUTING, BANGING
318
00:16:58,840 --> 00:17:01,479
(Liam) I'm OK, everything's fine!
319
00:17:01,560 --> 00:17:03,915
BABY CRIES
320
00:17:04,000 --> 00:17:05,718
Oh, fuck!
321
00:17:08,920 --> 00:17:11,309
BABY CONTINUES CRYING
322
00:17:11,400 --> 00:17:13,072
Shut up, Stella!
323
00:17:14,160 --> 00:17:15,354
All right, love?
324
00:17:15,440 --> 00:17:17,635
Yeah, thanks, Lillian.
325
00:17:17,720 --> 00:17:21,998
If you don't mind me saying,
you're looking a bit... mental.
326
00:17:22,080 --> 00:17:23,035
Am I?
327
00:17:23,120 --> 00:17:26,192
Sure you haven't got some of that
post-natal depression?
328
00:17:26,280 --> 00:17:30,034
She could be right, you know, Monica.
You don't seem quite yourself.
329
00:17:30,120 --> 00:17:32,236
And what is "meself", then, Yvonne?
330
00:17:32,320 --> 00:17:34,880
Dressing like a sofa
and munching down HRT,
331
00:17:34,960 --> 00:17:36,598
cos I'm past me sell-by date?
332
00:17:36,680 --> 00:17:37,954
Don't be soft!
333
00:17:38,040 --> 00:17:42,113
With bosoms like these you've got
20 years of good handling in you yet.
334
00:17:42,200 --> 00:17:45,749
I'm not mental just because
I want to be treated like a woman.
335
00:17:47,360 --> 00:17:50,193
You can probably take
your hands off now, Lillian.
336
00:17:58,360 --> 00:18:02,069
They were persecuted
in ancient times, hypnotists.
337
00:18:02,160 --> 00:18:04,390
Folk used to think
it were black magic.
338
00:18:06,400 --> 00:18:10,234
(Monica) It's probably just a tacky sex
show. Pub hypnotists are all the same.
339
00:18:10,320 --> 00:18:12,436
So you're not going?
340
00:18:12,520 --> 00:18:15,796
Oh, yeah. I'm gonna get there early,
get a seat down t'front.
341
00:18:15,880 --> 00:18:18,075
(Norma) It's a science of the future,
mind-control.
342
00:18:18,160 --> 00:18:20,799
Some people even see it as an art.
Who's to say?
343
00:18:20,880 --> 00:18:23,235
The paying fucking public.
344
00:18:23,320 --> 00:18:26,551
Seven quid a ticket,
he'd better be an artist.
345
00:18:26,640 --> 00:18:29,837
They used to think Houdini hypnotised
hisself, so he could hold his breath.
346
00:18:29,920 --> 00:18:31,194
Till he drowned, of course.
347
00:18:31,280 --> 00:18:33,191
Then the theory lost
some of its credibility.
348
00:18:33,280 --> 00:18:35,077
Our mam was hypnotised once.
349
00:18:35,160 --> 00:18:37,515
Wonder if that's why
she thinks she's a Scouser.
350
00:18:37,600 --> 00:18:38,749
TEXT MESSAGE TONE
351
00:18:38,840 --> 00:18:40,478
She is a fucking Scouser!
352
00:18:40,560 --> 00:18:42,755
(Norma) Course, all art is subjective.
353
00:18:42,840 --> 00:18:49,075
You know that tennis poster,
of the... of the lass lifting her skirt
354
00:18:49,160 --> 00:18:53,472
to scratch a single,
perfect, round buttock.
355
00:18:53,560 --> 00:18:55,152
- We have to go.
- I've still got half me...
356
00:18:55,240 --> 00:18:56,195
Now!
357
00:18:56,280 --> 00:18:58,236
Classic image, that is.
358
00:19:00,320 --> 00:19:03,915
I used me dad's razor the first time
I did it. Used his aftershave an' all.
359
00:19:04,000 --> 00:19:05,752
That was a once-only experiment.
360
00:19:07,480 --> 00:19:08,549
You sure you've done this before?
361
00:19:08,640 --> 00:19:13,555
Yeah. One summer, I did me mate's
like the faces of the Take That boys.
362
00:19:13,640 --> 00:19:15,756
Except Gary Barlow, of course.
363
00:19:15,840 --> 00:19:19,674
- She must've been a hairy girl.
- Not really. Mark Owen's only little.
364
00:19:19,760 --> 00:19:21,113
Maybe I should go to a salon.
365
00:19:21,200 --> 00:19:24,715
And drop 40 quid to let some
spotty teenager stare up your muff?!
366
00:19:24,800 --> 00:19:26,836
Come on, get 'em off!
367
00:19:29,400 --> 00:19:31,709
Are you sure this is
the best way to do it?
368
00:19:31,800 --> 00:19:35,349
How should I know? Not my missus
who's got a fetish for baldy.
369
00:19:35,440 --> 00:19:36,475
Not natural though, is it?
370
00:19:36,560 --> 00:19:38,994
Blame Brad Pitt and
Leonardo DiCaprio.
371
00:19:39,080 --> 00:19:41,514
We live in
the era of the girly man.
372
00:19:41,600 --> 00:19:43,750
Yeah, well, I'd fucking hate
to look like that.
373
00:19:46,680 --> 00:19:47,635
Can you do it?
374
00:19:47,720 --> 00:19:48,709
Fuck right off!
375
00:19:48,800 --> 00:19:51,872
I can't get the angles right,
looking in the mirror.
376
00:19:51,960 --> 00:19:53,313
MOUTHS
377
00:19:59,200 --> 00:20:01,760
Nobody gets to hear about this.
378
00:20:04,160 --> 00:20:06,799
That's half my wardrobe, Liam.
These aren't stolen.
379
00:20:08,440 --> 00:20:12,115
I don't want them in the house,
it's bad karma.
380
00:20:17,640 --> 00:20:18,595
Who the fuck?
381
00:20:21,760 --> 00:20:23,512
What you doing?
382
00:20:23,600 --> 00:20:24,828
Assisting.
383
00:20:24,920 --> 00:20:27,150
Being less than useless.
384
00:20:27,240 --> 00:20:30,471
More importantly, what the fuck
is this garment doing in my house?
385
00:20:30,560 --> 00:20:32,471
Didn't we bring them up right?
386
00:20:32,560 --> 00:20:33,993
I don't care.
387
00:20:41,000 --> 00:20:42,831
(Mandy) Oh... Holy God in Heaven!
388
00:20:44,360 --> 00:20:45,679
Everything all right?
389
00:20:45,760 --> 00:20:47,716
Yeah. You?
390
00:20:47,800 --> 00:20:49,153
Fine.
391
00:20:50,200 --> 00:20:51,315
What you up to?
392
00:20:51,400 --> 00:20:52,469
Nothing.
393
00:20:53,560 --> 00:20:54,515
You?
394
00:20:54,600 --> 00:20:55,828
Not much.
395
00:20:55,920 --> 00:20:58,878
Argh! You said you'd
done this before.
396
00:20:58,960 --> 00:21:00,757
I have. It's been a while, that's all.
397
00:21:00,840 --> 00:21:04,594
I thought you were an expert. Did
your mate's with the Take That boys.
398
00:21:04,680 --> 00:21:06,511
I never said it was a good likeness.
399
00:21:07,560 --> 00:21:09,755
Feels like you used
sticky sandpaper!
400
00:21:09,840 --> 00:21:11,717
I think I'm bleeding.
401
00:21:11,800 --> 00:21:15,679
Don't be so soft. Women have suffered
for beauty since the dawn of time...
402
00:21:15,760 --> 00:21:17,830
and we've only just started. Get back.
403
00:21:19,920 --> 00:21:23,037
- (Joe) Christ almighty!
- Jamie, summat wrong?
404
00:21:23,120 --> 00:21:24,678
No.
405
00:21:24,760 --> 00:21:25,954
Sound as a pound.
406
00:21:26,040 --> 00:21:27,553
OK.
407
00:21:28,680 --> 00:21:30,671
Me nipple! I think you've cut it off!
408
00:21:30,760 --> 00:21:32,159
You shouldn't twitch so much.
409
00:21:32,240 --> 00:21:35,516
No wonder, with the Barber of
fucking Seville shaving me chest.
410
00:21:35,600 --> 00:21:39,878
Oh, don't be such a baby! It's only
a nipple, you've got another one.
411
00:21:40,960 --> 00:21:43,520
Your brother fancies me.
He wants to fucking do me.
412
00:21:43,600 --> 00:21:47,275
And not straight on and off either -
he wants to spank me.
413
00:21:47,360 --> 00:21:49,874
You can't hurt him, Shane.
He's your brother.
414
00:21:49,960 --> 00:21:51,916
I'm not gonna hurt him.
415
00:21:52,000 --> 00:21:53,194
I feel sorry for him.
416
00:21:54,400 --> 00:21:55,833
I'm not sure how to take that.
417
00:21:55,920 --> 00:21:59,071
No, I mean, I don't blame him.
418
00:21:59,160 --> 00:22:03,711
How could he not fancy you?
Karen's a nice girl and all, but...
419
00:22:03,800 --> 00:22:05,950
- She'll never be a you.
- You taking the piss?
420
00:22:06,040 --> 00:22:08,474
No. You could be a model.
421
00:22:08,560 --> 00:22:12,439
In fact, you make half t'models
in magazines look like dogs.
422
00:22:12,520 --> 00:22:14,192
I do own a mirror, Shane.
423
00:22:14,280 --> 00:22:18,239
And, while it tells me that,
yes, I am a fucking knock-out,
424
00:22:18,320 --> 00:22:21,676
I don't think Kate Moss should be
quivering in her Jimmy Choos.
425
00:22:21,760 --> 00:22:23,273
You're gonna have to put him off.
426
00:22:23,360 --> 00:22:25,316
How?
427
00:22:28,200 --> 00:22:31,033
I'm completely bald!
You said Brazilian!
428
00:22:31,120 --> 00:22:34,999
There must be bald Brazilians.
Who's the one that bends the free kicks?
429
00:22:35,080 --> 00:22:39,551
Bald is all the rage.
Brazilian's... so '90s.
430
00:22:39,640 --> 00:22:41,995
I am not interested
in fanny fashion!
431
00:22:42,080 --> 00:22:44,878
And it's not supposed to hurt
this much either.
432
00:22:44,960 --> 00:22:50,239
I s'pose I should've used alcohol-free
wipes. Tea tree's the best, I think.
433
00:22:50,320 --> 00:22:54,472
On the plus side,
you could stuff a cushion with these.
434
00:22:59,000 --> 00:23:01,673
Has she given you
the old heave-ho, then? Permanent?
435
00:23:01,760 --> 00:23:02,954
Or is it just a lovers' tiff?
436
00:23:03,040 --> 00:23:04,189
What?
437
00:23:05,280 --> 00:23:06,952
Your girlfriend.
438
00:23:08,040 --> 00:23:10,838
Well, you've been spending
so much time there of late,
439
00:23:10,920 --> 00:23:13,354
I expected this to be
a solo mission.
440
00:23:13,440 --> 00:23:14,395
Yeah.
441
00:23:14,480 --> 00:23:17,552
Take her to see the hypnotist
at The Jockey tomorrow night.
442
00:23:17,640 --> 00:23:18,914
Laughter's a rare remedy.
443
00:23:19,000 --> 00:23:20,274
Yeah, maybe.
444
00:23:20,360 --> 00:23:23,113
Don't be a doormat.
I'll talk her round.
445
00:23:23,200 --> 00:23:24,474
HE CHUCKLES
446
00:23:24,560 --> 00:23:27,472
Never underestimate the wisdom
of the old fella, son,
447
00:23:27,560 --> 00:23:29,471
when it comes to the ladies.
448
00:23:29,560 --> 00:23:33,235
I cast my net far and wide
before I met your mother.
449
00:23:33,320 --> 00:23:34,514
Excellent.
450
00:23:34,600 --> 00:23:36,033
Ssshhh.
451
00:23:42,280 --> 00:23:44,236
What's she doing?
452
00:23:45,360 --> 00:23:47,316
I couldn't say, Michael.
453
00:23:52,840 --> 00:23:54,193
I'll grab her.
454
00:23:54,280 --> 00:23:56,430
Just... wait.
455
00:24:15,920 --> 00:24:17,672
I'm fucking gorgeous!
456
00:24:17,760 --> 00:24:20,115
I'm in me prime, you bastard!
457
00:24:20,200 --> 00:24:21,428
Ah-hem...
458
00:24:23,320 --> 00:24:24,639
Corrie's on.
459
00:24:24,720 --> 00:24:26,756
Thought you might want to know.
460
00:24:26,840 --> 00:24:28,990
Be down in a minute.
461
00:24:37,320 --> 00:24:38,230
Hiya.
462
00:24:38,320 --> 00:24:40,276
It really burns when I piss,
463
00:24:40,360 --> 00:24:44,239
and most of the time I can't piss,
so I've got this really throbbing pain.
464
00:24:44,320 --> 00:24:46,993
And I'm itching so much
that I'm scratching myself raw.
465
00:24:47,080 --> 00:24:50,152
I do this two days a week until they
can get me full-time at McDonald's,
466
00:24:50,240 --> 00:24:53,038
so you probably wanna wait
for a doctor to examine you.
467
00:24:53,120 --> 00:24:54,792
Just your name, for now.
468
00:24:55,560 --> 00:24:56,959
Carl Gallagher.
469
00:25:10,640 --> 00:25:12,551
You all right, Stan?
470
00:25:12,640 --> 00:25:15,313
- All right, Carl.
- What you in for?
471
00:25:15,400 --> 00:25:16,753
Nothing... You know.
472
00:25:16,840 --> 00:25:19,912
You've got genital herpes
or something.
473
00:25:20,000 --> 00:25:22,195
Hey, it gives you an itchy arse.
Read about it.
474
00:25:22,280 --> 00:25:25,352
No, I mean, nothing like that,
475
00:25:25,440 --> 00:25:27,158
it's just a small personal...
476
00:25:27,240 --> 00:25:30,869
I haven't got an infection,
I've just got a small nubbin
477
00:25:30,960 --> 00:25:32,552
on the end of me...
478
00:25:32,640 --> 00:25:36,872
A bit of diplomacy, eh,
about us seeing each other here?
479
00:25:36,960 --> 00:25:38,393
I've only got chlamydia.
480
00:25:38,480 --> 00:25:40,311
It's like the Stockport County of VDs.
481
00:25:40,400 --> 00:25:42,709
Chlamydia's very infectious, Carl.
482
00:25:42,800 --> 00:25:45,030
It can lead to infertility,
483
00:25:45,120 --> 00:25:47,156
premature birth,
whole load of nasty things.
484
00:25:47,240 --> 00:25:50,073
You've got to tell them, Carl,
any girls you've been with.
485
00:25:50,160 --> 00:25:52,151
It's important.
486
00:25:52,240 --> 00:25:53,434
You all right, Tina?
487
00:25:53,520 --> 00:25:54,669
HE GROANS
488
00:26:01,760 --> 00:26:03,113
Not today, Micky.
489
00:26:03,200 --> 00:26:04,758
We're supposed to have a chat.
490
00:26:04,840 --> 00:26:07,877
Me and Ady had the chat.
We didn't need you present.
491
00:26:07,960 --> 00:26:10,633
It's OK, I'll handle it.
492
00:26:10,720 --> 00:26:11,914
Honest.
493
00:26:13,360 --> 00:26:14,554
Faggot.
494
00:26:14,640 --> 00:26:16,870
Which one of us are you talking to?
495
00:26:18,920 --> 00:26:21,718
She gave me an ultimatum,
made me choose.
496
00:26:21,800 --> 00:26:23,870
What, and you chose her?
497
00:26:24,800 --> 00:26:26,916
You're even gayer than I am!
498
00:26:27,000 --> 00:26:28,752
Look, we can still see each other.
499
00:26:28,840 --> 00:26:30,478
Just not when she knows.
500
00:26:35,000 --> 00:26:37,833
No, mate. I don't think so.
501
00:26:37,920 --> 00:26:39,273
Why?
502
00:26:39,360 --> 00:26:41,715
Cos I prefer a bit more spine.
503
00:26:43,320 --> 00:26:44,673
You're too pussy-whipped.
504
00:26:44,760 --> 00:26:46,352
- Micky...
- No, mate.
505
00:26:46,440 --> 00:26:48,795
I deserve better.
506
00:26:49,880 --> 00:26:51,836
I deserve fucking better.
507
00:27:03,000 --> 00:27:04,274
What you doing?
508
00:27:04,360 --> 00:27:06,669
Going to see the hypnotist
at The Jockey.
509
00:27:06,760 --> 00:27:08,398
Not in that top. That's mine.
510
00:27:08,480 --> 00:27:09,549
Stolen.
511
00:27:09,640 --> 00:27:10,914
It's mine!
512
00:27:11,000 --> 00:27:13,275
- It's only a top, Debs.
- What about Stella?
513
00:27:13,360 --> 00:27:15,032
Well, Liam can look after...
514
00:27:15,120 --> 00:27:16,599
Don't even think about it!
515
00:27:16,680 --> 00:27:19,148
You can't leave a baby
with a nine-year-old boy.
516
00:27:19,240 --> 00:27:24,075
Fine! I'll stay in again, like
the Prisoner of fuckin' Zenda!
517
00:27:25,160 --> 00:27:27,276
What you doing? Don't.
518
00:27:27,360 --> 00:27:28,429
BABY CRIES
519
00:27:32,120 --> 00:27:33,553
Debbie!
520
00:27:47,960 --> 00:27:49,439
Thanks a fuckin' bunch, Stan!
521
00:27:57,160 --> 00:27:58,673
KNOCK ON DOOR
522
00:28:05,200 --> 00:28:08,397
Good evening, madam.
Do you believe in the living Christ?
523
00:28:08,480 --> 00:28:11,517
After this week, absolutely not.
524
00:28:13,160 --> 00:28:14,593
Wait...
525
00:28:14,680 --> 00:28:19,595
My soul might be lost, but me son's
is definitely up for grabs.
526
00:28:28,160 --> 00:28:29,673
Ten.
527
00:28:29,760 --> 00:28:31,751
Do I look like immigrant labour?
528
00:28:34,520 --> 00:28:37,432
20, then, but that's
for the whole night.
529
00:28:37,520 --> 00:28:39,192
I'm not changing any more nappies.
530
00:28:39,280 --> 00:28:40,998
Just keep them talking, all right?
531
00:28:42,800 --> 00:28:45,155
I'll give you some privacy.
I've just got a quick
532
00:28:45,240 --> 00:28:47,834
point to make to me husband.
533
00:28:50,760 --> 00:28:51,909
Have fun!
534
00:28:53,880 --> 00:28:55,313
CLAPPING AND CHATTER
535
00:28:57,280 --> 00:29:01,796
(Russian accent) Carl is your husband,
Lillian is your lesbian lover...
536
00:29:01,880 --> 00:29:02,835
LAUGHING
537
00:29:02,920 --> 00:29:05,115
...and Norma is Brad Pitt...
538
00:29:05,200 --> 00:29:06,599
CHEERING AND HECKLING
539
00:29:06,680 --> 00:29:10,434
...in the nude. And...
540
00:29:10,520 --> 00:29:11,873
wake!
541
00:29:11,960 --> 00:29:13,757
Lillian, what you doing here?
542
00:29:13,840 --> 00:29:15,751
Carl'll find out.
543
00:29:15,840 --> 00:29:19,879
Oh, my God, Brad Pitt,
544
00:29:19,960 --> 00:29:23,839
you're everything I imagined... and more!
545
00:29:25,440 --> 00:29:28,113
It is not amusing to
put me in this position.
546
00:29:28,200 --> 00:29:30,873
A penis is an aggressive appendage!
547
00:29:30,960 --> 00:29:32,598
CHEERING AND HECKLING
548
00:29:34,120 --> 00:29:36,714
Marital strife
and an imaginary knob.
549
00:29:36,800 --> 00:29:39,792
Passes for entertainment, does it?
550
00:29:39,880 --> 00:29:41,199
All right, Shane?
551
00:29:41,280 --> 00:29:42,235
Yes, mate.
552
00:29:42,320 --> 00:29:43,878
- All right, Kelly?
- Yeah, magic.
553
00:29:43,960 --> 00:29:45,951
SHE SNORTS
554
00:29:47,040 --> 00:29:49,918
Can I have a lager
and a vodka-tonic, please?
555
00:29:50,000 --> 00:29:51,274
You...
556
00:29:51,360 --> 00:29:53,828
You've got something on your...
557
00:29:53,920 --> 00:29:55,717
Oh, yeah, me falser.
558
00:29:55,800 --> 00:30:00,590
It seems to rub when it's me
time of t'month. And, Jesus, am I on!
559
00:30:00,680 --> 00:30:03,353
- It's like someone turned a tap on...
- All right, Kelly!
560
00:30:03,440 --> 00:30:06,989
- Pint and a vodka tonic, was it?
- What you doing?
561
00:30:07,080 --> 00:30:09,992
Don't worry, I've got a sitter,
so remove the gun from me head.
562
00:30:10,080 --> 00:30:11,149
Who?
563
00:30:11,240 --> 00:30:14,437
You fucking peck away at me
like a hen, you know that, Debbie?
564
00:30:14,520 --> 00:30:17,557
Seven of you I've brought up,
and not one of you has ever had
565
00:30:17,640 --> 00:30:20,518
the good grace to pay me
the tiniest little compliment.
566
00:30:20,600 --> 00:30:22,670
When your responsibilities in life
567
00:30:22,760 --> 00:30:25,718
extend beyond
"Which sleeveless top shall I rob?"
568
00:30:25,800 --> 00:30:28,678
Then you can question
my parenting skills! All right?
569
00:30:36,920 --> 00:30:38,876
Two bottles of lager, Karen.
570
00:30:38,960 --> 00:30:41,349
HE GROANS
571
00:30:41,440 --> 00:30:42,839
Sorry.
572
00:30:42,920 --> 00:30:45,354
Just a little bit sensitive.
573
00:30:45,440 --> 00:30:48,159
Must be all the excitement.
Just gonna nip the loo.
574
00:31:01,240 --> 00:31:03,800
You might at least wait
till the lad comes back.
575
00:31:05,400 --> 00:31:07,789
Only real fundamentalists still
adhere to the notion
576
00:31:07,880 --> 00:31:11,111
that God physically created the world
in seven days. It's metaphorical.
577
00:31:11,200 --> 00:31:13,873
Do you know what a metaphor is?
578
00:31:13,960 --> 00:31:17,669
Don't you think it's hypocritical of
the Church to insist on creationism
579
00:31:17,760 --> 00:31:21,673
for centuries, only to jump on
the intelligent design bandwagon now?
580
00:31:24,800 --> 00:31:27,553
SHE CLUCKS LIKE A CHICKEN
581
00:31:27,640 --> 00:31:30,393
And now you're a monkey.
582
00:31:30,480 --> 00:31:32,038
SHE MAKES MONKEY NOISES
583
00:31:32,120 --> 00:31:35,908
You're hypnotising her all the time!
Hypnotise some locals.
584
00:31:36,000 --> 00:31:39,515
- You're as greasy as your hair!
- Come on!
585
00:31:39,600 --> 00:31:43,639
Some people are more susceptible
to hypnotism than other people, so...
586
00:31:44,720 --> 00:31:46,676
You're fucking at it, you are.
587
00:31:49,640 --> 00:31:52,791
What about this gallant young lad?
588
00:31:52,880 --> 00:31:55,110
Yeah, that's more like it!
589
00:31:55,200 --> 00:31:56,235
CHEERING
590
00:31:56,320 --> 00:31:58,515
And this lovely lady.
591
00:31:59,600 --> 00:32:00,749
Me?
592
00:32:00,840 --> 00:32:03,798
Yes. Come on, folks, come on.
Give them a hand.
593
00:32:03,880 --> 00:32:05,154
CHEERING AND CLAPPING
594
00:32:07,320 --> 00:32:09,595
(Quietly) Move it. Come on.
595
00:32:12,960 --> 00:32:14,598
You, little lady, are exquisite.
596
00:32:14,680 --> 00:32:17,513
Anybody can say the right words.
597
00:32:17,600 --> 00:32:19,431
It's not rocket science, is it?
598
00:32:19,520 --> 00:32:21,715
Feel heavy, feel heavy.
599
00:32:24,040 --> 00:32:24,995
Ssh!
600
00:32:25,080 --> 00:32:26,638
(English accent) Right, mate, listen.
601
00:32:26,720 --> 00:32:29,439
I'll give you 50 quid if you do what
I say and make out you're hypnotised.
602
00:32:29,520 --> 00:32:31,795
- What?
- It's a fucking scam, all right?
603
00:32:31,880 --> 00:32:35,031
I could no more hypnotise you than
pull a bunch of flowers out me arse.
604
00:32:35,120 --> 00:32:36,917
Fifty quid, are you in or out?
605
00:32:37,000 --> 00:32:37,955
Yeah, sound.
606
00:32:39,040 --> 00:32:41,110
(Russian accent) And...
607
00:32:42,160 --> 00:32:43,115
...sleep!
608
00:32:45,840 --> 00:32:47,398
APPLAUSE
609
00:32:50,640 --> 00:32:52,517
How long are you going to keep this up?
610
00:32:52,600 --> 00:32:54,352
I'm busy.
611
00:32:56,240 --> 00:32:59,710
I'm sorry if the text was
over the top, but it was just a joke,
612
00:32:59,800 --> 00:33:01,711
try and snap you out of it.
613
00:33:01,800 --> 00:33:04,997
Look, we could go for dinner
or something, your choice.
614
00:33:05,080 --> 00:33:07,389
Don't know what you're
talking about. What text?
615
00:33:07,480 --> 00:33:08,595
The filthy one.
616
00:33:08,680 --> 00:33:12,036
You've been blanking me so much,
I thought it would break the ice.
617
00:33:12,120 --> 00:33:14,793
I haven't been blanking ya.
I've been rushed off me feet.
618
00:33:14,880 --> 00:33:16,359
And I didn't get any text.
619
00:33:18,080 --> 00:33:19,433
Recognise it?
620
00:33:20,680 --> 00:33:22,830
No.
621
00:33:22,920 --> 00:33:24,273
So, you're not angry with me?
622
00:33:24,360 --> 00:33:26,749
Jesus, Jamie! You went
on the tiles with a mate,
623
00:33:26,840 --> 00:33:28,193
you're not Osama bin Laden.
624
00:33:28,280 --> 00:33:29,872
So, who have I sent this to, then?
625
00:33:33,360 --> 00:33:34,793
Oh, shit.
626
00:34:13,200 --> 00:34:18,513
But I want your baby! I want to
feel your seed grow inside me!
627
00:34:18,600 --> 00:34:20,989
Whoa, easy tiger!
628
00:34:25,640 --> 00:34:28,279
(Man) Fucking god-awful!
629
00:34:28,360 --> 00:34:30,920
If evolution is right,
and I'm not conceding that,
630
00:34:31,000 --> 00:34:34,595
then surely there's a guiding hand
behind it, an intelligence.
631
00:34:34,680 --> 00:34:37,240
It can't be just... chance.
632
00:34:37,320 --> 00:34:38,878
I don't accept that.
633
00:34:38,960 --> 00:34:41,679
When the black symbiote attaches itself
to Spider-Man's suit,
634
00:34:41,760 --> 00:34:44,638
it's because a meteor's
crashing to Earth.
635
00:34:44,720 --> 00:34:48,713
And meteors hitting the Earth
is pure maths, not religion.
636
00:34:48,800 --> 00:34:49,596
Spider-Man isn't real!
637
00:34:49,680 --> 00:34:53,434
There's as much proof for him
as there is for God.
638
00:34:56,120 --> 00:34:59,510
And finally, ladies and gentlemen,
this young man will awake
639
00:34:59,600 --> 00:35:02,990
and believe he has never
been hypnotised at all.
640
00:35:03,080 --> 00:35:05,719
You have seen
the evidence yourselves,
641
00:35:05,800 --> 00:35:10,828
but he will believe that I offer him L50
to pretend he was hypnotised,
642
00:35:10,920 --> 00:35:16,074
and behave in the manner
you have all witnessed.
643
00:35:19,640 --> 00:35:20,914
And...
644
00:35:22,240 --> 00:35:23,912
...wake!
645
00:35:26,880 --> 00:35:30,475
Tell the good people, truthfully,
646
00:35:30,560 --> 00:35:33,950
have you been hypnotised
this evening?
647
00:35:34,040 --> 00:35:35,393
What, really?
648
00:35:35,480 --> 00:35:39,553
Yes, the truth,
and nothing but the truth.
649
00:35:40,640 --> 00:35:42,870
Well, no. You offered me
50 quid to pretend.
650
00:35:42,960 --> 00:35:44,678
CHEERING
651
00:35:44,760 --> 00:35:45,909
He did!
652
00:35:48,800 --> 00:35:50,631
He's a fuckin' phoney!
653
00:35:56,400 --> 00:35:58,994
Is that a wedding ring
on your finger?
654
00:36:00,680 --> 00:36:02,910
He's not the possessive type,
655
00:36:03,000 --> 00:36:05,389
if that's what you're wondering.
656
00:36:07,800 --> 00:36:10,633
It's a good job.
Were it painful?
657
00:36:10,720 --> 00:36:12,438
No. They froze it at first.
658
00:36:12,520 --> 00:36:15,671
I'm only just getting
the feeling back.
659
00:36:15,760 --> 00:36:18,274
So, do you see any
problems for future...
660
00:36:18,360 --> 00:36:19,429
you know?
661
00:36:19,520 --> 00:36:21,238
What's sauce for the goose, Stanley.
662
00:36:22,840 --> 00:36:24,558
Funny, though...
663
00:36:24,640 --> 00:36:26,119
he seems a little lonely.
664
00:36:26,200 --> 00:36:27,952
Like he's lost his friend.
665
00:36:28,040 --> 00:36:29,268
He doesn't have to be.
666
00:36:29,360 --> 00:36:33,069
They gave me it in a jar,
for safekeeping. As a keepsake.
667
00:36:33,160 --> 00:36:36,436
SHE GAGS
Yvonne? I thought it'd be funny!
668
00:36:40,320 --> 00:36:41,753
Can I have a word?
669
00:36:41,840 --> 00:36:43,831
Are you sure? Karen's just over there.
670
00:36:43,920 --> 00:36:44,989
Yeah, I know.
671
00:36:47,200 --> 00:36:50,795
You're a nice lad, Jamie,
but let's be honest.
672
00:36:50,880 --> 00:36:54,111
You did hit a few branches
of the ugly tree on the way down.
673
00:36:54,200 --> 00:36:57,909
Look, I appreciate your candour, but
the text message wasn't meant for you.
674
00:36:59,720 --> 00:37:01,278
Karen, Kelly.
675
00:37:01,360 --> 00:37:03,351
Next to each other
in me address book.
676
00:37:03,440 --> 00:37:07,035
I thought Karen was angry with me, I was
trying to give her a bit of a giggle.
677
00:37:07,120 --> 00:37:08,951
Right!
678
00:37:09,040 --> 00:37:13,033
And I'm guessing you look like this
because you're trying to put me off?
679
00:37:13,120 --> 00:37:15,793
Very admirable,
being so loyal to our kid.
680
00:37:15,880 --> 00:37:17,154
Right...
681
00:37:18,240 --> 00:37:20,595
So I can take this
boot polish off me tooth?
682
00:37:20,680 --> 00:37:23,035
Dunno. Kind of suits you.
683
00:37:24,440 --> 00:37:26,431
SHE LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY
684
00:37:26,520 --> 00:37:27,748
GRUNTING
685
00:37:35,680 --> 00:37:37,272
Fuckin' hell!
686
00:37:37,360 --> 00:37:39,590
Ooh! Ooh!
687
00:37:39,680 --> 00:37:42,240
Oh, you...
688
00:37:42,320 --> 00:37:44,880
From the first minute
I laid eyes on you,
689
00:37:44,960 --> 00:37:47,349
you're so, so...
690
00:37:47,440 --> 00:37:48,953
Yeah?
691
00:37:49,040 --> 00:37:51,315
Oh, so... motherly.
692
00:37:52,360 --> 00:37:53,509
What?
693
00:37:56,400 --> 00:37:58,630
So... maternal.
694
00:37:58,720 --> 00:38:01,792
The way your breasts have
fallen that little bit.
695
00:38:01,880 --> 00:38:03,711
The broadness of your hips.
696
00:38:03,800 --> 00:38:05,995
The stretch marks on your belly.
697
00:38:06,080 --> 00:38:10,119
Ooh, it's such a turn-on
to think that you grew a babby.
698
00:38:14,560 --> 00:38:15,993
Are you feeding?
699
00:38:18,200 --> 00:38:21,237
Cos I think I could go again,
if you could lactate.
700
00:38:21,320 --> 00:38:22,878
KNOCK ON DOOR
(Woman) Damien?
701
00:38:22,960 --> 00:38:23,995
(Quietly) Fuck!
702
00:38:24,080 --> 00:38:25,479
- Damien?
- Oh, fuck!
703
00:38:25,560 --> 00:38:27,232
KNOCK ON DOOR
704
00:38:27,320 --> 00:38:29,470
What you doing?
705
00:38:29,560 --> 00:38:31,915
In here.
706
00:38:35,760 --> 00:38:37,398
You fucking bastard!
707
00:38:37,480 --> 00:38:40,950
You promised - no more MILFs.
708
00:38:41,040 --> 00:38:45,955
To think I spend my nights clucking
like a fucking chicken for you!
709
00:38:47,040 --> 00:38:48,155
I'm sorry.
710
00:38:48,240 --> 00:38:49,593
What?
711
00:38:49,680 --> 00:38:51,636
She could never be with an 'airy guy?
712
00:38:51,720 --> 00:38:53,756
That's what she said.
713
00:38:53,840 --> 00:38:56,035
No, I didn't, that's what she said.
714
00:38:56,120 --> 00:38:58,714
I was just repeating what he told Kelly.
715
00:38:58,800 --> 00:39:00,279
Told Kelly what?
716
00:39:00,360 --> 00:39:04,512
That hairy women were a turn-off.
"Pig in a skirt," he said.
717
00:39:04,600 --> 00:39:06,318
He were talking about Janine.
718
00:39:06,400 --> 00:39:08,072
New girl at Lillian's.
719
00:39:08,160 --> 00:39:11,709
Head of hair on her like she's
caught her piercing in a socket.
720
00:39:11,800 --> 00:39:14,917
Looks like the love-child of
Amy Winehouse and Russell Brand.
721
00:39:15,000 --> 00:39:16,831
All that fucking hair?
722
00:39:16,920 --> 00:39:18,751
It's the biggest turn-off going.
723
00:39:18,840 --> 00:39:20,637
About as sexy as a pig in a skirt.
724
00:39:20,720 --> 00:39:22,551
Oh.
725
00:39:22,640 --> 00:39:25,359
Maybe you should concentrate on
your own relationship.
726
00:39:25,440 --> 00:39:28,796
Not exactly bench-mark
communication, is it? Text messages.
727
00:39:31,040 --> 00:39:34,510
I don't care if he makes a point.
You're not supposed to ask questions.
728
00:39:34,600 --> 00:39:36,033
Night. Thanks for that.
729
00:39:39,280 --> 00:39:42,590
It wouldn't be appropriate.
They might not know it,
730
00:39:42,680 --> 00:39:44,318
but I'm wrong, and they're right.
731
00:39:47,080 --> 00:39:48,308
Good lad.
732
00:39:50,920 --> 00:39:52,751
You spilled something on your dress.
733
00:40:17,400 --> 00:40:18,833
Good night?
734
00:40:21,240 --> 00:40:23,117
Not particularly.
735
00:40:26,920 --> 00:40:29,673
I do try, Monica.
736
00:40:31,520 --> 00:40:33,033
Best as I'm able.
737
00:40:33,120 --> 00:40:34,997
I know.
738
00:40:36,320 --> 00:40:40,518
I mean, sometimes... you know,
I lash out,
739
00:40:40,600 --> 00:40:43,876
get me defence in
before the attack comes.
740
00:40:45,480 --> 00:40:46,913
I might...
741
00:40:49,160 --> 00:40:52,357
...misjudge it... on occasion.
742
00:40:57,200 --> 00:40:58,918
I'm sorry.
743
00:41:03,320 --> 00:41:04,275
I know.
744
00:41:16,640 --> 00:41:19,074
Whatever it is,
745
00:41:19,160 --> 00:41:20,752
don't let it swamp you, Mon.
746
00:41:23,000 --> 00:41:24,433
I won't.
747
00:41:26,840 --> 00:41:30,276
Frank, can you just...
748
00:41:31,320 --> 00:41:32,275
...hold me.
749
00:41:36,840 --> 00:41:38,068
Please?
750
00:41:59,800 --> 00:42:02,792
Stop poking me in the back!
751
00:42:02,880 --> 00:42:04,552
I'm not poking you.
752
00:42:06,720 --> 00:42:08,995
I've got the horn, that's all.
753
00:42:18,960 --> 00:42:23,033
I am gonna ride you
754
00:42:23,120 --> 00:42:24,951
till you cry,
755
00:42:25,040 --> 00:42:26,553
Frank Gallagher.
756
00:42:26,640 --> 00:42:28,312
Fair enough.
757
00:42:36,320 --> 00:42:38,595
HE GROANS
Wait, wait. Get a condom.
758
00:42:38,680 --> 00:42:40,318
I'm not coming. My nipple stings.
759
00:42:47,920 --> 00:42:48,909
Ahh!
760
00:42:49,000 --> 00:42:50,718
Ohh!
761
00:42:52,920 --> 00:42:56,196
Do you think they're humping or
dressing each other's wounds?
762
00:42:56,280 --> 00:42:57,395
Dunno.
763
00:42:59,200 --> 00:43:00,679
I know, I know.
764
00:43:00,760 --> 00:43:02,955
No, I need to get off.
765
00:43:03,040 --> 00:43:05,873
Feels like you're scrubbing
my muff with steel wool.
766
00:43:05,960 --> 00:43:08,474
LAUGHTER
767
00:43:09,560 --> 00:43:11,118
I've learnt my lesson, though.
768
00:43:11,200 --> 00:43:12,474
What?
769
00:43:12,560 --> 00:43:15,154
Don't interfere in
other people's love lives?
770
00:43:15,240 --> 00:43:16,719
Fuck, no.
771
00:43:16,800 --> 00:43:19,314
That's one of the few true
pleasures left to a woman.
772
00:43:21,400 --> 00:43:22,799
So what's the lesson?
773
00:43:24,160 --> 00:43:28,039
Buy ear-plugs when
Mandy's got a bloke over.
774
00:43:28,120 --> 00:43:29,348
Ohh!
775
00:43:29,440 --> 00:43:31,510
GIGGLING AND GROANING
776
00:43:38,760 --> 00:43:41,797
Do you wanna shag,
drown out the noise?
777
00:43:41,880 --> 00:43:42,835
Yeah.
778
00:43:45,120 --> 00:43:48,954
Oh, no, no! You're too hairy.
No! Get off me!
779
00:43:54,960 --> 00:43:57,793
So what is it you've got
to tell me in such a rush?
780
00:43:57,880 --> 00:43:59,996
What the fuck are you doing?
781
00:44:00,080 --> 00:44:01,274
Sorry.
782
00:44:01,360 --> 00:44:03,954
I thought... I mean...
783
00:44:04,040 --> 00:44:06,076
You should enjoy the view while you can.
784
00:44:06,160 --> 00:44:07,354
How d'you mean?
785
00:44:07,440 --> 00:44:08,873
I'm expecting.
786
00:44:09,800 --> 00:44:11,995
Don't worry, it's not yours.
787
00:44:12,080 --> 00:44:13,798
You're good, but you're not that good.
788
00:44:14,920 --> 00:44:16,353
I'm 12 weeks gone.
789
00:44:16,440 --> 00:44:18,670
More's the pity. I liked you.
790
00:44:18,760 --> 00:44:21,115
So what have you got to tell me?
791
00:44:21,200 --> 00:44:22,679
'S not important.
792
00:44:25,640 --> 00:44:28,393
He's a lucky bloke, you know,
this baby's dad.
793
00:44:28,480 --> 00:44:31,392
Yeah. He is.
794
00:44:59,200 --> 00:45:00,189
How are you?
795
00:45:07,280 --> 00:45:11,239
There was a young woman
from Chatsworth
796
00:45:11,320 --> 00:45:14,471
Who had dreams,
ambitions and other stuff
797
00:45:14,560 --> 00:45:18,792
But she lost her good cheer
and ended up here...
798
00:45:18,880 --> 00:45:20,552
So she could probably just
799
00:45:20,640 --> 00:45:22,198
do what she wants now,
800
00:45:22,280 --> 00:45:25,955
and look after herself,
cos every other bastard does.
801
00:45:26,040 --> 00:45:27,792
I know it don't rhyme,
802
00:45:27,880 --> 00:45:31,395
but poems don't have to, do they?
Not these days.
803
00:46:11,480 --> 00:46:12,629
Enough?
804
00:46:12,720 --> 00:46:15,359
More. I'm doubling up from now on.
805
00:46:15,409 --> 00:46:19,959
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
57535
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bengali
Bosnian
Bulgarian
Catalan
Cebuano
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Finnish
French
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Gujarati
Haitian Creole
Hawaiian
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Khmer
Korean
Kurdish (Kurmanji)
Kyrgyz
Lao
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Nepali
Pashto
Polish
Portuguese
Romanian
Russian
Samoan
Serbian
Sesotho
Shona
Sinhala
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swahili
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Turkish
Ukrainian
Urdu
Uzbek
Vietnamese
