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RED DWARF - S11E04 - OFFICER RIMMER
In memory of J.H.S. SAS MBE - Now there was a lad.
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00:00:39,973 --> 00:00:42,712
Oh, Inga.
3
00:00:43,612 --> 00:00:45,824
Inga!
4
00:00:45,927 --> 00:00:47,963
Inga!!
5
00:00:48,310 --> 00:00:50,044
Bud, wake up!
6
00:00:50,592 --> 00:00:51,651
Huhm?
7
00:00:51,652 --> 00:00:53,247
Who's Inga?
8
00:00:53,739 --> 00:00:54,799
Just someone I met
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00:00:54,800 --> 00:00:58,033
at a party thrown by
a giraffe called Gerald.
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00:00:58,825 --> 00:01:00,273
She wanted me to fly
with her to Paris,
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00:01:00,274 --> 00:01:03,003
but she had a wooden head
and was afraid of forks.
12
00:01:03,716 --> 00:01:04,983
There's no future in it.
13
00:01:05,934 --> 00:01:08,712
According to Freud's
lexicon of dream symbols,
14
00:01:08,713 --> 00:01:11,239
flying is supposed to be
a metaphor for sex.
15
00:01:11,240 --> 00:01:13,167
Absolute poppycock.
16
00:01:13,367 --> 00:01:15,617
I dream of
flying all the time!
17
00:01:17,761 --> 00:01:19,961
It's certainly nothing
to do with sex.
18
00:01:20,688 --> 00:01:22,132
It's always the same dream.
19
00:01:22,133 --> 00:01:25,602
I'm in a Boeing 727
that can't take off.
20
00:01:28,362 --> 00:01:31,885
I'm sitting there with a tiny
bag of nuts I can't get open.
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00:01:33,179 --> 00:01:34,648
Then suddenly,
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00:01:34,819 --> 00:01:36,304
after one giant tug,
23
00:01:36,305 --> 00:01:38,031
and much to
my embarrassment,
24
00:01:38,301 --> 00:01:41,848
the whole bag explodes
over premium economy.
25
00:01:43,422 --> 00:01:44,690
Now tell me -
26
00:01:44,691 --> 00:01:45,843
because I don't see it -
27
00:01:45,844 --> 00:01:49,089
how on Earth is that
anything to do with sex?
28
00:01:51,459 --> 00:01:53,183
Sirs, I'm picking
up something
29
00:01:53,184 --> 00:01:56,088
from the other side
of that asteroid field.
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00:01:56,089 --> 00:01:57,924
It's a deep-space
explorer ship,
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00:01:57,925 --> 00:02:00,125
and it's in BIG trouble!
32
00:02:49,822 --> 00:02:51,032
Getting anythin'?
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00:02:51,033 --> 00:02:52,048
The signal's weak.
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00:02:52,049 --> 00:02:53,226
The magnetite
in the asteroids is
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00:02:53,227 --> 00:02:55,362
distorting everything
in the local vicinity.
36
00:02:55,363 --> 00:02:56,975
Try dropping frequencies.
37
00:02:56,976 --> 00:02:58,859
See if we can
circumnavigate the storm.
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00:02:58,860 --> 00:02:59,938
Try dropping frequencies?
39
00:02:59,939 --> 00:03:01,573
See if we can
circumnavigate the storm?
40
00:03:01,574 --> 00:03:03,240
What are you talking about?!
41
00:03:03,241 --> 00:03:05,006
Ah.
It worked, Sir!
42
00:03:06,483 --> 00:03:07,893
Good call.
43
00:03:07,894 --> 00:03:10,538
Ident details coming in.
44
00:03:10,573 --> 00:03:12,501
It's a Space Corps
deep-space scout ship
45
00:03:12,502 --> 00:03:14,178
gravity antimatter
propulsion engine
46
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state-of-the-art tech-
47
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it's even got one of those
big captainy chairs
48
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with flip-across picnic tray.
49
00:03:19,239 --> 00:03:20,656
I'd kill for one of those.
50
00:03:20,657 --> 00:03:22,898
You could captain your way
through a space battle
51
00:03:22,899 --> 00:03:24,918
and have a TV dinner
at the same time.
52
00:03:25,282 --> 00:03:26,420
Through?
53
00:03:26,493 --> 00:03:28,033
Coming through now, Sir.
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00:03:28,034 --> 00:03:29,655
According to their manifest,
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00:03:29,656 --> 00:03:31,048
the crew total is
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00:03:31,049 --> 00:03:32,710
half.
57
00:03:33,909 --> 00:03:35,209
Half what?
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00:03:35,220 --> 00:03:36,620
I don't know, Sir.
59
00:04:04,421 --> 00:04:05,621
Hey!
60
00:04:05,847 --> 00:04:08,647
Now it's saying the
total crew is one!
61
00:04:08,725 --> 00:04:10,130
What the hell
is going on?
62
00:04:10,131 --> 00:04:11,494
Ah.
Best guess:
63
00:04:11,495 --> 00:04:13,643
The Nautilus is
bio-printing its crew;
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00:04:13,644 --> 00:04:16,057
which was fashionable
in the 24th century,
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00:04:16,058 --> 00:04:18,270
where unmanned ships
were sent into space
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00:04:18,271 --> 00:04:19,989
and only after
they encountered
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00:04:19,990 --> 00:04:21,856
a point of interest,
need, or danger
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00:04:21,857 --> 00:04:23,256
were the crew best
suited for the mission
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00:04:23,257 --> 00:04:25,716
printed from the
bio library.
70
00:04:25,717 --> 00:04:27,595
These dudes are
going to be human, right?
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00:04:27,596 --> 00:04:29,020
Human-like.
72
00:04:29,021 --> 00:04:31,661
They're created from
synthetic stem cells.
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00:04:31,662 --> 00:04:33,319
But like many movie stars,
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00:04:33,320 --> 00:04:36,777
they'll be incapable of having
children in the normal way.
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00:04:37,458 --> 00:04:38,394
Also, their lifespan
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00:04:38,395 --> 00:04:40,505
will only last the length
of their mission.
77
00:04:40,506 --> 00:04:42,505
In this case,
save the Nautilus.
78
00:04:42,506 --> 00:04:43,528
Okay, okay.
79
00:04:43,529 --> 00:04:46,562
We've got pictures
coming through.
80
00:04:47,659 --> 00:04:50,072
This is Captain Edwin Herring
of the SS Nautilus.
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00:04:50,073 --> 00:04:51,414
Can you read me, over?
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00:04:51,415 --> 00:04:52,496
Copy, Nautilus.
83
00:04:52,497 --> 00:04:54,627
But there's something wrong
with our video feed.
84
00:04:54,628 --> 00:04:56,084
From our end,
you look like a hideous
85
00:04:56,085 --> 00:04:58,199
19th century circus freak.
86
00:04:58,854 --> 00:04:59,672
Bud!
87
00:04:59,673 --> 00:05:02,816
You look like you're wearing
a toupee made of face!
88
00:05:03,799 --> 00:05:05,718
Yeah - one look at you
and even the Elephant Man
89
00:05:05,719 --> 00:05:08,059
would want to jump
in his mum and dad's bed!
90
00:05:08,171 --> 00:05:10,577
Our bio-printer jammed.
It's faulty.
91
00:05:10,578 --> 00:05:12,836
My face has been printed
on the top of my head.
92
00:05:12,837 --> 00:05:13,697
Any advice?
93
00:05:13,698 --> 00:05:14,540
Yeah.
94
00:05:14,541 --> 00:05:15,874
Don't wear a hat!
95
00:05:16,530 --> 00:05:17,648
What's my situation?
96
00:05:17,649 --> 00:05:19,440
Obviously, it's difficult to see.
97
00:05:19,441 --> 00:05:21,854
It appears Sir,
your engines are burnt out.
98
00:05:21,855 --> 00:05:23,787
And you're drifting
into the heart
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00:05:23,788 --> 00:05:25,808
of a Class C
asteroid storm.
100
00:05:25,809 --> 00:05:27,477
I'm carrying veranium.
101
00:05:27,478 --> 00:05:29,903
If the storm penetrates
my hull I'm done for,
102
00:05:29,904 --> 00:05:31,867
and so is everything
in the local vicinity.
103
00:05:31,868 --> 00:05:33,012
Can you help?
104
00:05:33,013 --> 00:05:35,990
Our two ships are separated
by the asteroid storm.
105
00:05:35,991 --> 00:05:37,627
We'll never get
'round it in time.
106
00:05:37,628 --> 00:05:38,635
Are you sure?
107
00:05:38,636 --> 00:05:39,667
Of course we're sure.
108
00:05:39,668 --> 00:05:42,090
It's as plain as
the nose on your head.
109
00:05:43,105 --> 00:05:44,517
What about your
escape pods?
110
00:05:44,518 --> 00:05:45,658
Maybe use
one of those?
111
00:05:45,659 --> 00:05:47,520
Too late.
They've escaped.
112
00:05:47,521 --> 00:05:48,569
That's what happens
when we put machines
113
00:05:48,570 --> 00:05:49,603
on artificial intelligence-
114
00:05:49,604 --> 00:05:50,940
They just look after
number one.
115
00:05:50,941 --> 00:05:52,964
Perhaps you should print
some more of your crew, Sir.
116
00:05:52,965 --> 00:05:53,970
Get assistance.
117
00:05:53,971 --> 00:05:57,120
I've just told you my bio-printer's
faulty, you cretin!
118
00:05:57,121 --> 00:05:59,439
My visuals are down-
What's your name crewman!?
119
00:05:59,983 --> 00:06:01,316
Dave Lister, Sir.
120
00:06:02,237 --> 00:06:04,138
Don't speak again Lister.
Understand?
121
00:06:04,139 --> 00:06:04,911
Yes, Sir.
122
00:06:04,912 --> 00:06:06,812
I'm done for,
aren't I?
123
00:06:07,053 --> 00:06:09,130
Sirs, intel coming in.
124
00:06:09,131 --> 00:06:10,448
It's much as I figured.
125
00:06:10,449 --> 00:06:12,073
The nearer the
Nautilus gets to us,
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00:06:12,074 --> 00:06:14,274
the more we, ourselves,
are in danger.
127
00:06:14,285 --> 00:06:15,646
How'd you make
that one out?
128
00:06:15,647 --> 00:06:18,315
If the Nautilus is destroyed
in its present position,
129
00:06:18,316 --> 00:06:19,343
we're safe.
130
00:06:19,344 --> 00:06:21,637
But when the Nautilus
enters the asteroid storm,
131
00:06:21,638 --> 00:06:22,910
The veranium goes up
132
00:06:22,911 --> 00:06:25,578
and the blast radius
nukes us, too.
133
00:06:26,102 --> 00:06:28,102
We've only got
one option.
134
00:06:33,666 --> 00:06:36,127
He just launched a
mining torpedo at him!
135
00:06:36,128 --> 00:06:37,650
It's too late
to intercept!
136
00:06:37,651 --> 00:06:39,135
Rimmer, what have you done?!
137
00:06:39,136 --> 00:06:40,268
I've just saved
all our necks.
138
00:06:40,269 --> 00:06:41,115
That's what I've done.
139
00:06:41,116 --> 00:06:42,197
It was the only option.
140
00:06:42,198 --> 00:06:44,024
Impact one minute
and counting.
141
00:06:44,025 --> 00:06:44,927
You've got to tell him.
142
00:06:44,928 --> 00:06:46,749
You've got to tell Herring
what you've done!
143
00:06:46,750 --> 00:06:48,552
What? Tell him I've
just nuked his ship?
144
00:06:48,553 --> 00:06:49,319
I'm not telling him that.
145
00:06:49,320 --> 00:06:50,387
Why not?!
146
00:06:50,388 --> 00:06:51,621
He won't like me.
147
00:07:01,942 --> 00:07:03,311
I've been hit!!
148
00:07:03,399 --> 00:07:05,499
I'm spinning out!!
149
00:07:09,192 --> 00:07:10,326
That was the most
150
00:07:10,327 --> 00:07:12,406
insanely, brilliant, ballsiest
151
00:07:12,407 --> 00:07:14,985
tactical maneuver
I've ever witnessed!!
152
00:07:14,986 --> 00:07:16,953
Who fired that missile?!
153
00:07:17,232 --> 00:07:19,623
Me, Sir.
Arnold J. Rimmer.
154
00:07:20,743 --> 00:07:22,537
You mean you
took off my wing
155
00:07:22,538 --> 00:07:25,339
knowing it would knock me
out of the asteroid storm?
156
00:07:25,340 --> 00:07:27,105
That's genius, Rimmer!
157
00:07:27,106 --> 00:07:29,991
They don't call me
"Old Iron Balls" for nothing, Sir.
158
00:07:31,626 --> 00:07:33,726
I owe you my life, man!
159
00:07:34,128 --> 00:07:35,361
What's your rank?
160
00:07:35,415 --> 00:07:36,703
Second Tech, Sir.
161
00:07:36,704 --> 00:07:38,234
Not any longer.
162
00:07:38,361 --> 00:07:40,213
I'm promoting you
163
00:07:40,214 --> 00:07:42,349
to officer, Rimmer!
164
00:07:43,154 --> 00:07:45,542
I'll send the authorization
through now.
165
00:07:45,599 --> 00:07:47,699
I look forward
to meeting you.
166
00:07:47,815 --> 00:07:50,851
We'll head back to Red Dwarf Sir,
and then pick you up.
167
00:07:50,852 --> 00:07:52,537
Officer Rimmer.
168
00:07:53,764 --> 00:07:55,239
After all these years!
169
00:07:55,240 --> 00:07:56,879
Oh, yes!
170
00:07:57,636 --> 00:08:00,078
You are genuine, pedigree,
171
00:08:00,079 --> 00:08:02,570
thoroughbred scum,
aren't you Rimmer.
172
00:08:02,571 --> 00:08:05,723
That's Officer Rimmer to you,
Private Nothing!
173
00:08:17,168 --> 00:08:20,203
To do:
Ramscoop MOT
174
00:08:22,065 --> 00:08:24,812
We're just eight hours from
Captain Herring's ship, Sir.
175
00:08:24,813 --> 00:08:27,702
I also have the paperwork
confirming your promotion.
176
00:08:27,703 --> 00:08:32,059
According to Protocol 712,
there'll need to be an accolade
177
00:08:32,060 --> 00:08:35,228
so that you can be officially
accredited as an officer.
178
00:08:35,719 --> 00:08:37,549
Mmmm, a simple affair, Kryten.
179
00:08:37,550 --> 00:08:39,781
I don't want anything
too special.
180
00:08:39,782 --> 00:08:41,858
We'll have it in the
Hall of Heroes.
181
00:08:43,259 --> 00:08:44,661
Champagne,
canapes.
182
00:08:44,662 --> 00:08:46,379
Maybe a very quick
six-guns salute.
183
00:08:46,380 --> 00:08:48,280
Let's not get carried away.
184
00:08:48,409 --> 00:08:50,960
And then perhaps
a short tribute - to me.
185
00:08:50,961 --> 00:08:51,986
No more than an hour.
186
00:08:51,987 --> 00:08:54,101
And then I'll outline
my plans
187
00:08:54,102 --> 00:08:56,022
to open a new officers' club
on D deck.
188
00:08:56,023 --> 00:08:57,826
A new officers' club, Sir?
189
00:09:00,130 --> 00:09:02,908
Somewhere with an atmosphere
of understated luxury
190
00:09:02,909 --> 00:09:05,370
where officers can unwind
in their precious hours
191
00:09:05,371 --> 00:09:07,649
away from the
grind of command.
192
00:09:07,650 --> 00:09:08,492
Oh.
193
00:09:08,509 --> 00:09:09,563
So basically, Sir,
194
00:09:09,564 --> 00:09:11,818
you're instigating
a class system.
195
00:09:12,429 --> 00:09:13,529
The "haves" me,
196
00:09:13,734 --> 00:09:15,544
The "have-nots" you lot.
197
00:09:16,382 --> 00:09:17,637
One question, Sir.
198
00:09:17,638 --> 00:09:19,760
The fact that you've been
awarded officer-hood
199
00:09:19,761 --> 00:09:21,643
by an act of
gross deception -
200
00:09:21,644 --> 00:09:24,057
does that in any way
take the sheen off it?
201
00:09:24,058 --> 00:09:25,454
Not really.
No.
202
00:09:26,290 --> 00:09:27,766
It's about getting there, Kryten.
203
00:09:27,767 --> 00:09:29,483
Not how you get there.
204
00:09:29,915 --> 00:09:31,349
I made love to a
beautiful woman
205
00:09:31,350 --> 00:09:32,976
in her apartment
last night.
206
00:09:32,977 --> 00:09:33,928
That's important.
207
00:09:33,929 --> 00:09:35,582
How did you get there,
bike or bus -
208
00:09:35,583 --> 00:09:36,683
Not important.
209
00:09:44,802 --> 00:09:46,768
Zero G Sports.
Where is it?
210
00:09:47,131 --> 00:09:49,814
We were up to match day 4.
Where is it gone?!
211
00:09:50,090 --> 00:09:53,500
Zero G Sports is an
officer-only channel?!
212
00:09:54,549 --> 00:09:57,367
Has Rimmer been smegging around
with our TV package?!
213
00:09:57,414 --> 00:09:59,279
We've only got the
lame stations!
214
00:10:00,014 --> 00:10:02,893
Look at it:
24 Hour Knitting channel?!
215
00:10:04,020 --> 00:10:05,253
The Hat channel?!
216
00:10:05,473 --> 00:10:07,320
Amish MTV!
217
00:10:08,002 --> 00:10:09,814
We haven't got the totally,
unnecessarily
218
00:10:09,815 --> 00:10:12,118
massive, repeat sports
package anymore!
219
00:10:12,119 --> 00:10:13,015
Look at this!
220
00:10:13,016 --> 00:10:15,507
Seven ID Seven,
Premier League Croquet
221
00:10:15,508 --> 00:10:17,911
Eastbourne Ladies vs
Gloucester Girls.
222
00:10:17,912 --> 00:10:19,629
It's a grudge match!
223
00:10:20,592 --> 00:10:21,692
Gosh!
224
00:10:22,712 --> 00:10:24,916
It's not too bad.
Hot dog?
225
00:10:26,887 --> 00:10:28,595
Attention,
attention.
226
00:10:28,596 --> 00:10:30,142
Officer Rimmer here.
227
00:10:30,143 --> 00:10:32,155
We'll shortly be
approaching SS Nautilus
228
00:10:32,156 --> 00:10:33,998
to welcome
Captain Herring.
229
00:10:34,024 --> 00:10:35,445
Would all lower orders
230
00:10:35,446 --> 00:10:37,746
please make their way
to B deck.
231
00:10:40,702 --> 00:10:42,269
What the smeg's this?!
232
00:10:43,257 --> 00:10:44,654
Why has the
old service lift
233
00:10:44,655 --> 00:10:46,364
been turned to
the grunts' lift?
234
00:10:46,551 --> 00:10:47,813
So the rank and file
235
00:10:47,814 --> 00:10:50,156
can travel between floors
with their own kind.
236
00:10:50,157 --> 00:10:52,076
Meantime, you use
the officers' lift
237
00:10:52,077 --> 00:10:53,879
which we can't use
on account of the fact
238
00:10:53,880 --> 00:10:55,463
that we're not "officery."
239
00:10:55,575 --> 00:10:58,260
It's one of the privileges
of rank, Third Technician.
240
00:11:03,231 --> 00:11:04,019
Gentlemen,
241
00:11:04,020 --> 00:11:06,120
I bid you a
temporary farewell.
242
00:11:13,812 --> 00:11:15,138
A towel, Sir.
243
00:11:15,281 --> 00:11:16,662
Ah, thank you.
244
00:11:17,226 --> 00:11:18,993
Facial mist for you, Sir.
245
00:11:19,716 --> 00:11:20,816
Lovely.
246
00:11:23,185 --> 00:11:26,418
Complimentary executive
beverage for you, Sir.
247
00:11:26,639 --> 00:11:27,739
Most kind.
248
00:11:34,098 --> 00:11:35,181
That'll be all.
249
00:11:35,206 --> 00:11:36,096
Go along.
250
00:11:46,563 --> 00:11:47,663
Floor?
251
00:11:48,391 --> 00:11:49,491
Floor?
252
00:11:49,516 --> 00:11:50,950
I said "floor."
253
00:11:50,951 --> 00:11:51,997
Landing Bay, please.
254
00:11:51,998 --> 00:11:52,898
What?
255
00:11:53,412 --> 00:11:54,294
Landing Bay!
256
00:11:54,295 --> 00:11:56,822
Okay, keep your 'air on,
I'm not deaf, am I?
257
00:11:57,691 --> 00:12:00,814
Has he interfered with the lift
somehow and made it ruder?
258
00:12:02,704 --> 00:12:04,459
Have a wonderful
onward journey.
259
00:12:04,460 --> 00:12:07,186
And we look forward to
going down with you again soon.
260
00:12:07,187 --> 00:12:08,488
How enchanting.
261
00:12:13,614 --> 00:12:14,980
How hot was that lift?
262
00:12:14,981 --> 00:12:16,214
My diodes are
almost cooked!
263
00:12:16,385 --> 00:12:17,751
Hey, look at my hair!
264
00:12:17,752 --> 00:12:20,119
I've lost volume,
height, bounce!
265
00:12:20,330 --> 00:12:22,132
No way am I putting up
with this.
266
00:12:22,133 --> 00:12:24,052
A problem, Private Zero?
267
00:12:24,429 --> 00:12:27,162
Rimmer, if you think
for one minute...
268
00:12:28,208 --> 00:12:30,504
Officers' Corridor?
What's this?!
269
00:12:30,505 --> 00:12:33,313
Well Sir, the scutters
refurbed the old tube tunnel.
270
00:12:33,706 --> 00:12:35,557
See you at the end
of the corridor.
271
00:12:35,558 --> 00:12:36,994
Bon voyage!
272
00:12:42,032 --> 00:12:44,940
His corridor has got
the best of everything!
273
00:12:44,941 --> 00:12:47,140
Air con,
music?
274
00:12:47,970 --> 00:12:49,070
Look!
275
00:12:49,329 --> 00:12:51,363
He doesn't even have to walk!
276
00:13:09,453 --> 00:13:11,661
Welcome aboard,
Captain Herring.
277
00:13:11,662 --> 00:13:13,885
That's a hell of a
ceiling you've got, Rimmer.
278
00:13:13,886 --> 00:13:15,853
The lattice work's stunning!
279
00:13:16,222 --> 00:13:17,789
You're most kind, Sir.
280
00:13:17,886 --> 00:13:21,233
Not massively important,
but this is our crew:
281
00:13:21,814 --> 00:13:22,914
Cat.
282
00:13:23,251 --> 00:13:24,108
Ah.
283
00:13:24,252 --> 00:13:24,969
Kryten.
284
00:13:24,970 --> 00:13:26,070
Uh-huh.
285
00:13:26,257 --> 00:13:28,319
And Third Technician, Lister.
286
00:13:28,320 --> 00:13:30,980
Ahhh.
Is this Lister?
287
00:13:30,981 --> 00:13:32,003
Ha-ha.
288
00:13:32,004 --> 00:13:35,104
I can tell he's no good
just by feeling him.
289
00:13:35,598 --> 00:13:37,025
I'm on to you, Lister.
290
00:13:37,026 --> 00:13:38,459
Don't think I'm not.
291
00:13:40,057 --> 00:13:41,824
Which reminds me, Rimmer,
292
00:13:41,901 --> 00:13:44,860
I might have been a bit hasty
promoting you to officer.
293
00:13:45,149 --> 00:13:47,169
I should have promoted you
to first lieutenant.
294
00:13:47,170 --> 00:13:48,370
And I have!
295
00:13:48,371 --> 00:13:49,783
Congratulations!
296
00:13:50,861 --> 00:13:52,551
Thank you so much, Sir.
297
00:13:52,777 --> 00:13:55,125
What's the situation with the Nautilus,
Flight Lieutenant?
298
00:13:55,626 --> 00:13:56,727
Oh, that's me.
299
00:13:56,728 --> 00:13:59,194
Uhm, the scutters are
unloading your cargo, Sir.
300
00:13:59,195 --> 00:14:01,342
The ship's done for,
I'm afraid.
301
00:14:01,343 --> 00:14:02,826
Well, the cargo's
safe at least.
302
00:14:02,827 --> 00:14:04,643
That means my mission's up.
303
00:14:09,770 --> 00:14:12,103
How are we going
to get him demoted now?
304
00:14:12,277 --> 00:14:13,377
How, indeed.
305
00:14:31,020 --> 00:14:32,862
Huhm.
306
00:14:33,114 --> 00:14:34,689
Yes, elegant.
Stylish.
307
00:14:34,690 --> 00:14:37,781
This'll suit me and my fellow officers
down to the ground, Kryten.
308
00:14:37,782 --> 00:14:39,320
How are you coming along
with the bio-printer?
309
00:14:39,321 --> 00:14:40,685
Ah.
I've repaired it, Sir.
310
00:14:40,686 --> 00:14:41,755
So soon?
How?
311
00:14:41,756 --> 00:14:43,301
I gave it a good kicking!
312
00:14:44,780 --> 00:14:46,974
I thought you didn't believe
in hitting machines.
313
00:14:46,975 --> 00:14:50,057
Oh, photocopies and printers
are an exception, Sir.
314
00:14:50,738 --> 00:14:52,729
We're just waiting
for it to calibrate.
315
00:14:52,837 --> 00:14:55,641
Good. And then we can start to
bio-print the Nautilus' crew?
316
00:14:55,642 --> 00:14:56,352
Indeed.
317
00:14:56,353 --> 00:14:57,349
Excellent.
318
00:14:57,515 --> 00:14:59,707
I want to print out all those
who ranked below me,
319
00:14:59,708 --> 00:15:01,941
regardless of job
or profession.
320
00:15:01,943 --> 00:15:03,980
Shouldn't we speak
to Mr. Lister, Sir?
321
00:15:04,083 --> 00:15:06,883
Kryten, bio-printing is an
officer-only privilege.
322
00:15:06,886 --> 00:15:08,231
Decisions of
this magnitude
323
00:15:08,232 --> 00:15:10,184
can't be left
to a lowly technician.
324
00:15:10,446 --> 00:15:11,141
Uh, Sir.
325
00:15:11,142 --> 00:15:12,639
Are you familiar
with the
326
00:15:12,640 --> 00:15:15,140
Abraham Lincoln
quotation on power?
327
00:15:15,257 --> 00:15:16,617
Lincoln the president?
328
00:15:16,618 --> 00:15:18,241
He got assassinated
at the theater.
329
00:15:18,242 --> 00:15:19,249
Indeed.
330
00:15:19,250 --> 00:15:21,373
I've never been a fan
of the theater, Kryten.
331
00:15:21,578 --> 00:15:22,786
My mother
used to take me
332
00:15:22,787 --> 00:15:24,706
and some of the most
excruciating hours
333
00:15:24,707 --> 00:15:26,627
of my life have been
spent there.
334
00:15:26,652 --> 00:15:28,102
Sometimes the
greater tragedy is
335
00:15:28,103 --> 00:15:30,484
going to the theater
and NOT getting shot.
336
00:15:31,197 --> 00:15:32,172
You were saying.
337
00:15:32,173 --> 00:15:33,593
Lincoln once said,
338
00:15:33,658 --> 00:15:35,952
If you want to test
a man's character,
339
00:15:35,953 --> 00:15:37,397
give him power.
340
00:15:37,398 --> 00:15:38,631
And Officer Rimmer
once said
341
00:15:38,632 --> 00:15:40,045
if you want to
feel my boot
342
00:15:40,046 --> 00:15:41,043
up your recharge socket,
343
00:15:41,044 --> 00:15:42,144
keep talking.
344
00:15:49,036 --> 00:15:51,227
So we can print out
any of these people?
345
00:15:51,243 --> 00:15:52,063
Yeah.
346
00:15:52,393 --> 00:15:53,727
What about her?
347
00:15:54,685 --> 00:15:55,955
A fitness ball lady
348
00:15:55,956 --> 00:15:57,523
in tight Lycra shorts.
349
00:15:58,046 --> 00:15:59,509
She can't demote anybody.
350
00:15:59,570 --> 00:16:00,546
So what if she can't?
351
00:16:00,547 --> 00:16:02,180
I can see past that!
352
00:16:03,131 --> 00:16:03,856
Sirs!
353
00:16:03,857 --> 00:16:06,337
No! Wait-wait-wait-wait-wait!
Go back! Go back! Go back!
354
00:16:06,581 --> 00:16:07,681
That's you!!
355
00:16:08,222 --> 00:16:09,322
That's me!
356
00:16:09,652 --> 00:16:10,819
How is that me?!
357
00:16:11,064 --> 00:16:13,641
Your genome is in
the Nautilus' database?
358
00:16:13,642 --> 00:16:14,577
D-what?
359
00:16:14,578 --> 00:16:15,678
How?!
360
00:16:15,853 --> 00:16:16,962
Ah.
361
00:16:17,773 --> 00:16:18,873
Ha.
362
00:16:19,843 --> 00:16:20,878
Ah.
363
00:16:21,114 --> 00:16:22,160
Ha.
364
00:16:22,161 --> 00:16:24,602
I think I might have
flogged it.
365
00:16:24,924 --> 00:16:26,842
You flogged your genome?!
366
00:16:27,393 --> 00:16:28,903
Yeah, I was a kid
and my mate,
367
00:16:28,904 --> 00:16:30,749
Dodgy offered me
100 dollar pounds
368
00:16:30,798 --> 00:16:32,765
and half a packet
of fags for it.
369
00:16:32,852 --> 00:16:34,943
All you have to do is put
some saliva on a stick.
370
00:16:34,944 --> 00:16:37,059
You sold the rights to
your unique haploid
371
00:16:37,060 --> 00:16:38,660
set of chromosomes, Sir?
372
00:16:38,694 --> 00:16:41,628
You traded away the
map categorizing
373
00:16:41,629 --> 00:16:43,784
every detail of
your genetic make up
374
00:16:43,934 --> 00:16:48,234
for 100 dollar pounds
and half a packet of fags?!
375
00:16:52,398 --> 00:16:54,475
You think he should have
held out for a whole pack?
376
00:16:56,935 --> 00:16:59,604
Sir, this means someone else
holds the copyright to you.
377
00:16:59,605 --> 00:17:01,485
You don't own yourself!
378
00:17:01,597 --> 00:17:03,032
What, like every time
I take a leak,
379
00:17:03,033 --> 00:17:04,524
I'm handling
stolen goods?
380
00:17:05,673 --> 00:17:07,756
Look, we're 3 million years
into the big black.
381
00:17:07,757 --> 00:17:09,685
No one's coming out here.
Who cares?!
382
00:17:09,686 --> 00:17:11,928
Exactly.
We're coooool!
383
00:17:11,929 --> 00:17:15,011
Sir, I don't think you appreciate
what you've done!
384
00:17:17,028 --> 00:17:18,590
Thousands of
different companies
385
00:17:18,591 --> 00:17:21,806
have taken out a license
to produce yous.
386
00:17:22,089 --> 00:17:24,580
You're like writing software
that people can buy,
387
00:17:24,581 --> 00:17:25,913
and then use as they like.
388
00:17:26,051 --> 00:17:27,725
What, and do what
they want with?
389
00:17:28,009 --> 00:17:29,109
Here's one.
390
00:17:29,493 --> 00:17:31,116
License 10 years.
391
00:17:31,165 --> 00:17:32,732
3,000 Listers -
392
00:17:32,733 --> 00:17:36,893
Sandex Communication Listers,
to be used in call centers.
393
00:17:39,496 --> 00:17:40,550
Do you mean all those
394
00:17:40,551 --> 00:17:43,219
smart-ass scousers in the
call centers are me?!
395
00:17:45,463 --> 00:17:46,882
I've had those Johnnies-
396
00:17:46,883 --> 00:17:48,140
They're a pain in the backside!
397
00:17:48,141 --> 00:17:49,335
They know nothing
398
00:17:49,336 --> 00:17:50,983
and they sound like they
don't want to be there.
399
00:17:50,984 --> 00:17:52,949
They don't, Sir.
They're you!
400
00:17:54,022 --> 00:17:55,788
What have you done, Bud?!
401
00:17:56,006 --> 00:17:58,354
So Rimmer is going to
use this machine
402
00:17:58,355 --> 00:18:00,431
to produce people
who will obey him.
403
00:18:00,816 --> 00:18:01,791
Never being born
404
00:18:01,814 --> 00:18:04,114
has got to be better
than a life like that.
405
00:18:04,314 --> 00:18:06,265
We've got to wipe
the database, Kryten.
406
00:18:06,283 --> 00:18:07,662
Delete it all.
Right now.
407
00:18:07,671 --> 00:18:09,005
I can't, Sir.
408
00:18:09,148 --> 00:18:11,912
I have to print out a
new crew as instructed.
409
00:18:12,000 --> 00:18:13,973
Now Mr. Rimmer's our
flight lieutenant,
410
00:18:13,974 --> 00:18:15,520
I can't refuse his orders!
411
00:18:15,521 --> 00:18:17,661
Well I'll do it.
Just tell me what to do!
412
00:18:17,662 --> 00:18:18,457
Sir!
413
00:18:18,458 --> 00:18:20,299
If you think I'm going to
414
00:18:20,300 --> 00:18:22,517
select all these files
415
00:18:25,284 --> 00:18:27,384
and then take my leave,
416
00:18:27,665 --> 00:18:29,506
taking my leave,
417
00:18:29,524 --> 00:18:32,121
so you can press
that button there,
418
00:18:33,022 --> 00:18:35,322
you've got another
think coming!
419
00:18:41,870 --> 00:18:44,241
The entire database has
deleted itself?!
420
00:18:44,868 --> 00:18:46,125
Check bio-printer.
421
00:18:46,126 --> 00:18:48,497
This is going down on my
daily to-do list.
422
00:18:48,835 --> 00:18:49,568
How?
423
00:18:49,569 --> 00:18:50,605
It's a mystery, Sir.
424
00:18:50,606 --> 00:18:52,574
I bet Lister's behind this.
425
00:18:52,575 --> 00:18:54,136
Isn't it possible
to print anyone?
426
00:18:54,137 --> 00:18:55,464
I need a crew to command!
427
00:18:55,465 --> 00:18:56,806
Well, in theory it is possible
428
00:18:56,807 --> 00:19:00,166
to insert a piece of DNA
into the bio-printer
429
00:19:00,167 --> 00:19:01,734
and have it produce a genome,
430
00:19:01,735 --> 00:19:03,178
but who would we print?!
431
00:19:03,545 --> 00:19:05,783
My mind's on file
in the holosuite,
432
00:19:05,784 --> 00:19:08,063
And my DNA's on all
my old belongings.
433
00:19:08,231 --> 00:19:09,425
With the remaining bio-ink,
434
00:19:09,426 --> 00:19:11,403
we could produce
50 versions of me.
435
00:19:11,428 --> 00:19:12,750
Make them all officers,
436
00:19:12,751 --> 00:19:14,846
so as flight lieutenant
I'm over them,
437
00:19:14,847 --> 00:19:15,635
and then,
438
00:19:15,636 --> 00:19:18,931
we can have an officers' club
crammed full of Rimmers!
439
00:19:19,054 --> 00:19:22,621
Sir, history tells us that
you and you is a very bad mix.
440
00:19:22,725 --> 00:19:25,197
You and 50 yous
is beyond horrific!
441
00:19:25,496 --> 00:19:27,527
Not if I'm their
commanding officer.
442
00:19:27,528 --> 00:19:29,258
Then they'll do
what I want.
443
00:19:29,643 --> 00:19:31,486
Move the bio-printer to
one of the junk rooms
444
00:19:31,487 --> 00:19:32,797
and double security!
445
00:19:32,961 --> 00:19:35,889
Things are about to get
a whole lot more Rimmery!
446
00:19:43,476 --> 00:19:44,381
You what?
447
00:19:44,382 --> 00:19:45,528
Officers' Club?
448
00:19:48,085 --> 00:19:49,487
Evening.
Evening.
449
00:19:49,934 --> 00:19:51,234
Evening.
Evening.
450
00:19:51,380 --> 00:19:52,480
Evening
451
00:19:52,653 --> 00:19:53,557
Evening.
452
00:19:53,567 --> 00:19:54,176
Evening.
453
00:19:54,177 --> 00:19:55,268
Where they come from?
454
00:19:55,269 --> 00:19:57,002
He's bio-printing Rimmers!
455
00:19:57,003 --> 00:19:59,103
We've got to kill that damn machine
before he prints any more!
456
00:20:15,912 --> 00:20:19,167
Ah, gentlemen - welcome.
Do you have a reservation?
457
00:20:20,863 --> 00:20:22,214
Where's the bio-printer, Rimmer?
458
00:20:22,215 --> 00:20:23,649
Is it here,
'cause we're going in.
459
00:20:23,650 --> 00:20:26,767
I'm afraid I can't let you in
unless you're on the list.
460
00:20:26,768 --> 00:20:27,868
Let me see.
461
00:20:30,123 --> 00:20:31,694
Stop screwin' around, Rimmer.
462
00:20:31,863 --> 00:20:33,729
Have you moved
the bio-printer
463
00:20:33,730 --> 00:20:35,526
to somewhere in the
Officers' Club?
464
00:20:35,527 --> 00:20:37,228
Sorry.
You don't appear to be here.
465
00:20:37,665 --> 00:20:39,976
Rimmer. Party of two.
Eight thirty PM.
466
00:20:39,977 --> 00:20:41,052
Come in.
467
00:20:41,053 --> 00:20:42,208
How lovely
to see you again!
468
00:20:42,209 --> 00:20:43,668
Nice to see you.
469
00:20:45,452 --> 00:20:47,085
How many did he print!?
470
00:20:47,395 --> 00:20:48,729
Rimmer party.
471
00:20:48,801 --> 00:20:50,493
Four?
Straight through.
472
00:20:50,494 --> 00:20:52,685
Cloakroom's on the left.
Enjoy!
473
00:20:53,189 --> 00:20:55,822
How many have you printed,
you smeghead?!
474
00:20:56,015 --> 00:20:58,113
You can't use
bio-ink to print
475
00:20:58,114 --> 00:20:59,214
more Rims, Rimmer.
476
00:20:59,372 --> 00:21:02,739
Yeah. We need that ink
to print proper people!
477
00:21:03,349 --> 00:21:04,658
Hey, what the hell is this?!
478
00:21:04,659 --> 00:21:06,759
We're the Barbershop Quartet!
479
00:21:06,962 --> 00:21:08,281
Any ID?
480
00:21:22,258 --> 00:21:24,678
Mr. Rimmer,
481
00:21:25,039 --> 00:21:27,332
We are what we seem,
482
00:21:27,341 --> 00:21:31,347
The cutest quartet
that you've ever seen.
483
00:21:31,810 --> 00:21:33,565
We've got four mouths,
484
00:21:33,566 --> 00:21:35,525
a duet times two,
485
00:21:36,472 --> 00:21:40,261
this barbershop quartet
is singing for you!
486
00:21:40,821 --> 00:21:42,805
That,
is entertainment.
487
00:21:42,806 --> 00:21:44,028
In ya go.
488
00:21:44,085 --> 00:21:45,584
I've had enough of
this tossing about.
489
00:21:45,585 --> 00:21:46,529
Come on, we're going in.
490
00:21:46,530 --> 00:21:47,685
I've got the cravat!
491
00:21:47,827 --> 00:21:48,521
Hey!
492
00:21:48,718 --> 00:21:49,818
Hey.
493
00:21:52,520 --> 00:21:54,041
Ah.
Hot towel, Sir?
494
00:21:54,042 --> 00:21:54,751
Move!
495
00:21:54,752 --> 00:21:56,117
Facial spray?
496
00:21:56,198 --> 00:21:57,064
Enough!
497
00:21:57,065 --> 00:21:58,421
They've barged their way
into the Officers' Club
498
00:21:58,422 --> 00:21:59,617
and I need some bouncers.
499
00:21:59,618 --> 00:22:01,570
Print four more mes
and make them huge,
500
00:22:01,571 --> 00:22:02,413
muscly and brave.
501
00:22:02,414 --> 00:22:03,562
Can the bio-printer do that?
502
00:22:03,563 --> 00:22:04,304
In theory, Sir.
503
00:22:04,305 --> 00:22:07,265
Complimentary
Executive Corridor beverage, Sir?
504
00:22:07,266 --> 00:22:08,631
Don't start!
505
00:22:11,239 --> 00:22:12,969
Adjustments made, Sir.
506
00:22:16,760 --> 00:22:17,868
Why isn't it printing?
507
00:22:18,026 --> 00:22:21,209
Well, the new settings need
extra time to calibrate, Sir.
508
00:22:21,360 --> 00:22:23,458
We'll just have to be
a little bit patient.
509
00:22:23,459 --> 00:22:25,106
I have been patient!
510
00:22:27,636 --> 00:22:29,156
What's wrong with it -
the damn thing!
511
00:22:29,157 --> 00:22:30,257
Come on!!
512
00:22:32,694 --> 00:22:34,450
Come on, come on,
come on!
513
00:22:34,995 --> 00:22:36,095
Last.
514
00:22:40,407 --> 00:22:42,794
The first one's got stuck.
We need a midwife!
515
00:22:42,795 --> 00:22:44,962
We'll have to
do it ourselves!
516
00:22:47,785 --> 00:22:49,216
Pull, Kryten!
517
00:22:49,218 --> 00:22:50,758
Pull me.
Pull!
518
00:23:02,035 --> 00:23:04,068
What the hell
is that thing?!
519
00:23:08,166 --> 00:23:09,266
Come on!!
520
00:23:45,248 --> 00:23:47,247
Officer's lift on floor 15, Sir!
521
00:23:47,248 --> 00:23:49,214
We've got to take the grunts'!
522
00:23:51,888 --> 00:23:53,356
Get me out of here, pronto!
523
00:23:53,357 --> 00:23:54,957
I'm busy, okay?
524
00:23:54,998 --> 00:23:56,294
Just close the doors!
525
00:23:56,295 --> 00:23:57,981
There's a deranged
version of me out there!
526
00:23:57,982 --> 00:23:59,749
There's one in here, too.
527
00:24:00,216 --> 00:24:03,128
I'll take the stairs, Sir.
We've got to tell the others!
528
00:24:08,029 --> 00:24:09,778
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry!
529
00:24:09,779 --> 00:24:11,903
Just close the doors, please!
530
00:24:11,904 --> 00:24:13,228
Hold the lift!
531
00:24:13,488 --> 00:24:15,321
Don't close!
Wait for me!
532
00:24:18,144 --> 00:24:19,385
Officers quarters now!
533
00:24:19,386 --> 00:24:21,929
Okay, keep your 'air on
I'm not deaf, am I?
534
00:24:28,472 --> 00:24:29,206
Right!
535
00:24:29,207 --> 00:24:31,033
I've rigged up
a monitor wirelessly
536
00:24:31,034 --> 00:24:32,601
from the CCTV footage.
537
00:24:32,993 --> 00:24:35,508
From this, we can see where
the Rimmer monster is
538
00:24:35,509 --> 00:24:36,942
and what it's doing.
539
00:24:39,790 --> 00:24:42,157
It's coming to the officers' deck!
540
00:24:49,341 --> 00:24:50,247
Let me in!
541
00:24:50,248 --> 00:24:51,622
Are you on the list?
542
00:24:51,623 --> 00:24:53,215
If you're name's not down,
you can't come in.
543
00:24:53,216 --> 00:24:54,231
Riffraff only.
544
00:24:54,232 --> 00:24:55,450
I'm going to get absorbed!
545
00:24:55,451 --> 00:24:56,700
You're going to have to admit
you're a grunt.
546
00:24:56,701 --> 00:24:57,584
Total grunt.
547
00:24:57,585 --> 00:24:59,856
Your going to have to resign
your first lieutenant-ship.
548
00:24:59,857 --> 00:25:01,840
But I worked so hard for it!
549
00:25:01,841 --> 00:25:03,283
You did nothing!
550
00:25:03,284 --> 00:25:05,712
But I did it so well!!
551
00:25:07,894 --> 00:25:09,915
Okay, okay!
I resign!!
552
00:25:10,003 --> 00:25:11,915
Just let me in!
553
00:25:14,487 --> 00:25:17,571
Stand back,
Technician 2.0
554
00:25:20,783 --> 00:25:22,069
What is that thing?
555
00:25:22,070 --> 00:25:24,053
The human body is
built of cells
556
00:25:24,054 --> 00:25:26,100
with specific
fixed roles, Sir.
557
00:25:26,101 --> 00:25:27,444
Stem cells,
on the other hand
558
00:25:27,445 --> 00:25:29,513
can become any other
type of cell.
559
00:25:29,632 --> 00:25:31,741
What, reprogrammable?
560
00:25:31,742 --> 00:25:33,137
So when the
printer jammed
561
00:25:33,138 --> 00:25:35,590
and did a mash-up of all
the countless Rimmers,
562
00:25:35,591 --> 00:25:38,497
it didn't just combine the
sum of your parts physically,
563
00:25:38,498 --> 00:25:40,794
it amalgamated
all your faults.
564
00:25:40,795 --> 00:25:42,128
I've got faults?
565
00:25:42,529 --> 00:25:43,872
Your lust for power,
566
00:25:43,873 --> 00:25:45,965
your impatience,
your insecurity,
567
00:25:45,966 --> 00:25:48,330
your stupidity,
your greed,
568
00:25:48,331 --> 00:25:49,377
your arrogance,
569
00:25:49,378 --> 00:25:49,971
Yes - thank you, Kryten.
570
00:25:49,972 --> 00:25:51,573
and ordered
these stem cells
571
00:25:51,574 --> 00:25:54,524
to make a creature to
accommodate them all.
572
00:25:56,237 --> 00:25:57,737
So how do we kill it?
573
00:25:57,737 --> 00:25:59,752
I have an idea, Sir.
574
00:25:59,753 --> 00:26:02,453
But it does involve
using you as bait.
575
00:26:03,412 --> 00:26:05,093
I love it already!
576
00:26:28,938 --> 00:26:30,943
We'll have to go the
long way around!
577
00:26:45,515 --> 00:26:46,796
We can't shoot!
578
00:26:46,797 --> 00:26:48,827
We might take out
Mr. Rimmer!
579
00:26:48,828 --> 00:26:50,678
And the downside
of that is...?
580
00:26:51,813 --> 00:26:52,913
I've got it.
Hey!
581
00:26:53,157 --> 00:26:54,146
What are you doing?
582
00:26:54,147 --> 00:26:56,834
We are going to absorb
the final Rimmer.
583
00:26:56,835 --> 00:26:57,724
Oh aye.
584
00:26:57,725 --> 00:26:58,974
Then what you
going to do?
585
00:26:58,975 --> 00:27:00,608
We haven't decided yet.
586
00:27:00,996 --> 00:27:03,011
What?
Do you not make a to-do list?
587
00:27:03,012 --> 00:27:05,386
We need to make
a to-do list?
588
00:27:05,387 --> 00:27:08,211
You should always
make a to-do list!
589
00:27:08,236 --> 00:27:10,048
Have you got a pen?
590
00:27:10,049 --> 00:27:12,148
We always have a pen.
591
00:27:16,143 --> 00:27:17,852
Well then,
write that list.
592
00:27:19,221 --> 00:27:21,866
Oh, and don't forget
to put the last thing
593
00:27:21,867 --> 00:27:24,186
you're going to be doing
on that list.
594
00:27:26,102 --> 00:27:27,420
What's that?
595
00:27:27,554 --> 00:27:29,623
Dying!!
596
00:28:13,041 --> 00:28:17,946
Thank you, Leo,
for clarifying the lift's dialog!
597
00:28:17,996 --> 00:28:22,546
Repair and Synchronization by
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