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1
00:00:23,717 --> 00:00:34,418
Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells
http://UKsubtitles.ru.
2
00:00:45,769 --> 00:00:47,408
Kryten, it's me.
Are you there?
3
00:00:47,409 --> 00:00:50,168
'Er, yes, sir, I'm
here, sir, reading you. Over.'
4
00:00:50,169 --> 00:00:55,008
There's something on Little
Monitor 2. Weird shape. Really massive. What is it?
5
00:00:55,009 --> 00:00:57,809
'It's your kebab, sir,
as requested. Over.'
6
00:00:59,289 --> 00:01:00,809
What, this is a kebab?!
7
00:01:04,129 --> 00:01:06,968
Wow! It's absolutely massive!
It's a monster!
8
00:01:06,969 --> 00:01:11,129
'A large chicken doner combo, salad,
chilli sauce, everything. Over.'
9
00:01:11,853 --> 00:01:14,172
All right, I'm going in!
10
00:01:14,173 --> 00:01:16,133
'Good luck, sir!'
11
00:01:50,773 --> 00:01:52,853
What?!
12
00:01:55,173 --> 00:01:56,933
No way!
13
00:01:57,973 --> 00:02:00,652
What's that smell?
Has there been a fire in here?
14
00:02:00,653 --> 00:02:03,412
Just a small one.
I put it out with my beer.
15
00:02:03,413 --> 00:02:05,612
For goodness' sake, Lister,
that's terrible!
16
00:02:05,613 --> 00:02:08,412
Don't panic! I've got another one.
17
00:02:08,413 --> 00:02:10,372
You can't eat in the drive room.
18
00:02:10,373 --> 00:02:12,812
No foods or liquids
around the work stations.
19
00:02:12,813 --> 00:02:14,892
Health and Safety Protocol 121.
20
00:02:14,893 --> 00:02:17,452
Who cares about health and safety,
Rimmer?
21
00:02:17,453 --> 00:02:21,652
We're getting life signs from
this moon, 200 clicks east. I'm going to check it out!
22
00:02:21,653 --> 00:02:25,452
Lister, we have health and
safety protocols for a reason - to safeguard the crew.
23
00:02:25,453 --> 00:02:26,492
What crew?
24
00:02:26,493 --> 00:02:30,052
The original crew? They all got
wiped out, remember?
25
00:02:30,053 --> 00:02:31,933
Exactly. By you!
26
00:02:33,213 --> 00:02:34,252
Exactly.
27
00:02:34,253 --> 00:02:36,372
When you didn't fix
that drive plate properly,
28
00:02:36,373 --> 00:02:38,493
and that radiation leak
fried them to a crisp.
29
00:02:39,653 --> 00:02:40,933
Exactly.
30
00:02:42,133 --> 00:02:45,972
Which is why the whole
health and safety protocol procedure has been updated.
31
00:02:45,973 --> 00:02:48,932
Because, ultimately, who was truly
to blame for that accident?
32
00:02:48,933 --> 00:02:50,612
The man... or the system?
33
00:02:50,613 --> 00:02:51,852
The man.
34
00:02:51,853 --> 00:02:53,612
Was it the man, though?
35
00:02:53,613 --> 00:02:55,052
It was, yes.
36
00:02:55,053 --> 00:02:56,452
Or was it the system?
37
00:02:56,453 --> 00:02:58,413
It was the man,
definitely the man.
38
00:02:58,414 --> 00:02:59,772
Or was it the system?
39
00:02:59,773 --> 00:03:01,292
The man.
40
00:03:01,293 --> 00:03:04,092
A system that allowed a technician
to repair a drive plate
41
00:03:04,093 --> 00:03:06,172
without adequate training
or know-how.
42
00:03:06,173 --> 00:03:09,012
A system that has since been
completely overhauled by yours truly,
43
00:03:09,013 --> 00:03:11,373
so that an accident of that
nature never happens again.
44
00:03:11,374 --> 00:03:12,892
So what you're saying is,
45
00:03:12,893 --> 00:03:17,052
you learned valuable safety lessons
from wiping out the crew and, as a result,
46
00:03:17,053 --> 00:03:18,893
you've updated the safety
regulations,
47
00:03:18,894 --> 00:03:22,172
making this ship
a much safer working environment
48
00:03:22,173 --> 00:03:24,173
for the crew you wiped out.
49
00:03:25,253 --> 00:03:28,412
Scoff away, Lister, but the point is
we have new regulations,
50
00:03:28,413 --> 00:03:30,532
which means that
you're going to have to fill in
51
00:03:30,533 --> 00:03:32,493
an accident report form for
that fire.
52
00:03:32,494 --> 00:03:37,052
A what?! And once it's completed,
you'll have to submit it to the Accident Report Assessment Unit,
53
00:03:37,053 --> 00:03:38,813
care of the Health and Safety
Executive.
54
00:03:38,814 --> 00:03:40,372
And who the smeg would that be?
55
00:03:40,373 --> 00:03:41,653
Me.
56
00:03:45,053 --> 00:03:46,452
There are the forms.
57
00:03:46,453 --> 00:03:49,932
I am not filling out any
smegging forms, Rimmer!
58
00:03:49,933 --> 00:03:51,452
I'm going to check this moon.
59
00:03:51,453 --> 00:03:54,252
Ignore that, and someone
could get seriously hurt.
60
00:03:54,253 --> 00:03:56,053
Yeah - you, if you keep talking!
61
00:03:57,093 --> 00:03:59,412
Hang on a minute! It's 20 pages!
62
00:03:59,413 --> 00:04:01,573
I'll send you on the other
sections later.
63
00:04:19,973 --> 00:04:21,412
You're up late, sir.
64
00:04:21,413 --> 00:04:22,732
Been hunting.
65
00:04:22,733 --> 00:04:26,012
Trying to swat this damn
space weevil.
66
00:04:26,013 --> 00:04:28,413
Little sucker keeps outsmarting me!
67
00:04:29,493 --> 00:04:32,093
Well, they do have an IQ of 2, sir.
68
00:04:35,053 --> 00:04:38,692
One minute it's there, next minute
it's gone. It's driving me crazy!
69
00:04:38,693 --> 00:04:41,452
What's happening with you?
Well, I've been running some tests
70
00:04:41,453 --> 00:04:44,972
on the crystals I extracted
from the quantum rod, sir.
71
00:04:44,973 --> 00:04:48,052
A by-product of the rod's ability
to transport its host vessel
72
00:04:48,053 --> 00:04:50,972
seems to be a curious power
of synchronicity.
73
00:04:50,973 --> 00:04:53,372
That's strange.
Before, I was napping,
74
00:04:53,373 --> 00:04:56,172
and I had a dream you were doing
something crazy with crystals.
75
00:04:56,173 --> 00:04:58,372
What a weird coincidence.
76
00:04:58,373 --> 00:05:01,372
Hey! We both said
that at the same time!
77
00:05:01,373 --> 00:05:02,452
And that!
78
00:05:02,453 --> 00:05:04,092
What's going on?!
79
00:05:04,093 --> 00:05:06,333
Why are we saying
everything together?!
80
00:05:07,653 --> 00:05:09,693
Probably just coincidence.
81
00:05:20,293 --> 00:05:21,892
I think that's fixed it, sir.
82
00:05:21,893 --> 00:05:24,371
You think that tube thing made us
speak at the same time?
83
00:05:24,372 --> 00:05:25,453
I doubt it, sir.
84
00:05:25,454 --> 00:05:28,452
Probably just coincidence.
85
00:05:28,453 --> 00:05:30,452
What the hell's going on?!
86
00:05:30,453 --> 00:05:33,132
Well, it seems the crystals,
temporarily at least,
87
00:05:33,133 --> 00:05:36,972
have invigorated our psi, making us
more prone to coincidence.
88
00:05:36,973 --> 00:05:39,492
There was a fascinating book
on the subject
89
00:05:39,493 --> 00:05:45,333
by a scientist
called Arthur Koestler which was called The Roots Of Coincidence.
90
00:05:49,053 --> 00:05:50,692
There it is!
91
00:05:50,693 --> 00:05:52,332
How weird is that?!
92
00:05:52,333 --> 00:05:55,812
According to Koestler, coincidence is
more likely to happen
93
00:05:55,813 --> 00:05:58,292
to people in states of
heightened emotion,
94
00:05:58,293 --> 00:06:02,932
as emotions lower consciousness
while increasing the powers of the unconscious.
95
00:06:02,933 --> 00:06:05,052
So, every time we're together
and emotional,
96
00:06:05,053 --> 00:06:07,572
we're likely to experience
this coincidence stuff?
97
00:06:07,573 --> 00:06:09,212
Only temporarily, sir.
98
00:06:09,213 --> 00:06:11,053
Space weevil!
99
00:06:14,453 --> 00:06:18,092
Mr Lister, some rather intriguing
developments on the, er...
100
00:06:18,093 --> 00:06:19,132
Oh.
101
00:06:19,133 --> 00:06:20,732
Mr Lister?
102
00:06:20,733 --> 00:06:22,413
Well...
103
00:06:26,133 --> 00:06:27,133
Kryten!
104
00:06:28,533 --> 00:06:29,892
Open the door!
105
00:06:29,893 --> 00:06:31,853
I've left my key!
106
00:06:33,453 --> 00:06:35,053
Open the door!
107
00:06:36,173 --> 00:06:37,613
Let me in!
108
00:06:47,533 --> 00:06:50,212
Sir, what on earth
were you doing outside?!
109
00:06:50,213 --> 00:06:52,532
Trying to get in!
Wasn't it obvious?
110
00:06:52,533 --> 00:06:56,012
We've had a life sign confirmation
from one of the scouters.
111
00:06:56,013 --> 00:06:58,212
I took Starbug to check it out.
112
00:06:58,213 --> 00:07:01,892
That's the second moon
with life signs we've passed in the last decade!
113
00:07:01,893 --> 00:07:05,053
I had no idea this region of space
was so lively.
114
00:07:06,333 --> 00:07:10,092
Yeah, it's mental
round here, Kryten, you never get a moment's peace!
115
00:07:10,093 --> 00:07:14,252
Anyway, they're called BEGGs,
Biologically Engineered Garbage Gobblers,
116
00:07:14,253 --> 00:07:17,732
created on Earth to eat refuse.
They've got this digestive system
117
00:07:17,733 --> 00:07:20,572
that can cope with scoffing
sediment, sludge and slop,
118
00:07:20,573 --> 00:07:24,332
permanently inebriated, with breath
that could sandblast buildings.
119
00:07:24,333 --> 00:07:26,252
I'm so pleased for you, sir.
120
00:07:26,253 --> 00:07:28,932
At last you've got the opportunity
to make new friends.
121
00:07:28,933 --> 00:07:31,972
I wanted to see if they'd help
in finding Kochanski.
122
00:07:31,973 --> 00:07:33,652
Did they, sir?
123
00:07:33,653 --> 00:07:35,372
Nah, they've not seen her.
124
00:07:35,373 --> 00:07:38,412
Just spent the whole evening
drinking whisky and playing poker. Anyway...
125
00:07:38,413 --> 00:07:41,812
Incidentally, sir, why WERE you
outside with a jet-pack?
126
00:07:41,813 --> 00:07:42,852
Let me finish.
127
00:07:42,853 --> 00:07:45,532
As I was saying...
Sir, where is Starbug?
128
00:07:45,533 --> 00:07:48,732
Let me finish! As I was saying,
we were sat round the...
129
00:07:48,733 --> 00:07:51,572
Sir! You lost Starbug
in a card game?!
130
00:07:51,573 --> 00:07:53,532
You've spoilt the end now!
131
00:07:53,533 --> 00:07:56,892
Don't look at me like that.
There is an upside.
132
00:07:56,893 --> 00:07:59,173
Upside, how can there be
an upside? What's the upside?
133
00:07:59,174 --> 00:08:01,053
I lost Rimmer too.
134
00:08:02,653 --> 00:08:04,252
Pick him up Friday.
135
00:08:04,253 --> 00:08:07,732
That's tomorrow! Oh, sir, what on
earth are we going to do?
136
00:08:07,733 --> 00:08:11,573
I know. 24 hours - it's going to be
worse than being a kid on Christmas Eve.
137
00:08:12,733 --> 00:08:16,692
Oh, all right, all right. I'll go
back tomorrow, get him back somehow.
138
00:08:16,693 --> 00:08:17,772
Starbug too.
139
00:08:17,773 --> 00:08:18,973
Speaking of Mr Rimmer,
140
00:08:18,974 --> 00:08:22,612
he asked me to give you these
accident report forms for you to fill in.
141
00:08:22,613 --> 00:08:23,893
Oh, cheers, Krytes.
142
00:08:24,973 --> 00:08:26,853
Good night.
143
00:08:49,533 --> 00:08:53,092
Just drying the cutlery, sir,
using my heat outlet.
144
00:08:53,093 --> 00:08:55,452
Kryten, where's Lister?
Have you seen him?
145
00:08:55,453 --> 00:08:57,772
I think he may be
in the drive room, sir.
146
00:08:57,773 --> 00:09:00,492
Has he had an opportunity
to talk to you yet, sir?
147
00:09:00,493 --> 00:09:02,812
Why? No reason, sir,
I was just wondering.
148
00:09:02,813 --> 00:09:06,812
Do you know
if he's completed that sheaf of health and safety forms yet?
149
00:09:06,813 --> 00:09:08,812
I think he may need another set, sir.
150
00:09:08,813 --> 00:09:11,812
You see, there was a slight
accident with the airlock,
151
00:09:11,813 --> 00:09:15,292
and the papers were accidentally
sucked out into space, sir.
152
00:09:15,293 --> 00:09:17,293
Another accident?
153
00:09:18,933 --> 00:09:22,692
That means he's going to have
to fill out two sets of accident report forms.
154
00:09:22,693 --> 00:09:23,973
I'll get the papers.
155
00:09:23,974 --> 00:09:28,252
Well, it wasn't an accident per se,
sir. You mean, he just flushed them out into space?
156
00:09:28,253 --> 00:09:31,612
Well, I wouldn't put it exactly
like that, sir...
157
00:09:31,613 --> 00:09:33,053
Were safety procedures followed?
158
00:09:33,054 --> 00:09:36,692
Was an airlock accident risk
assessment form completed before he opened the airlock?
159
00:09:36,693 --> 00:09:39,372
That may have been overlooked, sir.
160
00:09:39,373 --> 00:09:42,252
Well, that's another set of forms
he's going to have to fill in.
161
00:09:42,253 --> 00:09:43,813
I don't know whether
I've got enough.
162
00:09:58,933 --> 00:10:01,653
Flushing safety reports into
space...
163
00:10:03,533 --> 00:10:05,373
He's not going to get away
with this.
164
00:10:05,374 --> 00:10:08,213
There's got to be a solution
to this.
165
00:10:09,493 --> 00:10:12,692
I've just been speaking to Kryten,
and he told me what you did.
166
00:10:12,693 --> 00:10:15,572
Did he? I have to say,
I'm disappointed,
167
00:10:15,573 --> 00:10:17,093
but not the least bit surprised.
168
00:10:18,413 --> 00:10:19,452
Right.
169
00:10:19,453 --> 00:10:22,092
Well, you're taking it better
than I expected.
170
00:10:22,093 --> 00:10:25,412
Expect people to let you down -
you'll never be disappointed.
171
00:10:25,413 --> 00:10:28,972
Let me say right off
that I'm truly sorry, I really am.
172
00:10:28,973 --> 00:10:30,972
You're not sorry.
Of course I'm sorry!
173
00:10:30,973 --> 00:10:33,453
I've been up all night thinking
about it. I can't sleep!
174
00:10:33,454 --> 00:10:34,892
Are you serious?
175
00:10:34,893 --> 00:10:38,212
Of course I'm serious! What I did
was out of order, out of line,
176
00:10:38,213 --> 00:10:40,292
beyond the pale.
177
00:10:40,293 --> 00:10:42,172
Wow.
178
00:10:42,173 --> 00:10:46,652
And just let me say, I'll put
everything to rights first thing in the morning.
179
00:10:46,653 --> 00:10:48,173
I promise.
180
00:10:49,893 --> 00:10:53,732
Finally, after all these years of
battering my head against a wall,
181
00:10:53,733 --> 00:10:56,372
trying to make you into
a person of calibre and stature,
182
00:10:56,373 --> 00:10:58,932
who takes pride
in the mundane and petty,
183
00:10:58,933 --> 00:11:00,413
at last the penny's dropped.
184
00:11:00,414 --> 00:11:01,972
Listey,
185
00:11:01,973 --> 00:11:08,053
I think you're finally
become the vending machine third technician of my dreams!
186
00:11:11,613 --> 00:11:12,732
What's this?
187
00:11:12,733 --> 00:11:14,253
The accident report forms.
188
00:11:15,533 --> 00:11:19,252
I haven't got time to waste
twatting about with that!
189
00:11:19,253 --> 00:11:20,492
What?!
190
00:11:20,493 --> 00:11:23,932
I've got to dig myself out of
this hole I've got myself into.
191
00:11:23,933 --> 00:11:25,252
Hole, what hole?
192
00:11:25,253 --> 00:11:27,932
The gambling with BEGGs hole.
193
00:11:27,933 --> 00:11:30,052
Gambling with BEGGs?
194
00:11:30,053 --> 00:11:32,252
You've been gambling with BEGGs?!
195
00:11:32,253 --> 00:11:33,772
Those garbage-munchers!
196
00:11:33,773 --> 00:11:36,052
Lister, I've told you
a million times...
197
00:11:36,053 --> 00:11:39,052
you gamble with lowlifes,
there's only one loser.
198
00:11:39,053 --> 00:11:40,893
In this case, there's two!
199
00:11:42,133 --> 00:11:43,213
Who's the other one?
200
00:11:43,214 --> 00:11:46,253
A guy about your height,
your colouring, who goes by the name of you.
201
00:11:47,293 --> 00:11:50,292
Er, Mr Lister gambled you
in a poker game, sir,
202
00:11:50,293 --> 00:11:52,453
and I'm afraid to report,
he lost you.
203
00:11:53,493 --> 00:11:55,292
We're all deeply sorry, bud...
204
00:11:55,293 --> 00:11:57,453
apart from me and him and him.
205
00:12:00,293 --> 00:12:02,013
Do you really think this is helping?
206
00:12:02,014 --> 00:12:03,692
I'm not here to help!
207
00:12:03,693 --> 00:12:05,612
Read my CV.
208
00:12:05,613 --> 00:12:10,893
"Does not help. Does not clean.
Will have sex with anything."
209
00:12:13,373 --> 00:12:14,972
You lost me in a poker game?!
210
00:12:14,973 --> 00:12:17,212
Like I'm some kind of thing
211
00:12:17,213 --> 00:12:19,453
to be lost in a poker game?!
212
00:12:20,533 --> 00:12:22,252
I was trying to win Starbug back.
213
00:12:22,253 --> 00:12:24,133
I didn't have anything else
they wanted.
214
00:12:24,134 --> 00:12:26,772
Right. Turn the engines up
full power. We'll outrun them.
215
00:12:26,773 --> 00:12:30,132
Once they realise they can't
catch us, they'll give up.
216
00:12:30,133 --> 00:12:32,173
Ah, we can't outrun them. Why not?
217
00:12:41,413 --> 00:12:44,813
Wow! Cool pants, bud!
218
00:12:46,533 --> 00:12:49,132
Oh, that's a groin exploder, sir.
219
00:12:49,133 --> 00:12:50,732
It sure is!
220
00:12:50,733 --> 00:12:53,252
That's going to drive
the chicks nuts!
221
00:12:53,253 --> 00:12:55,732
If I don't make good on my debt...
222
00:12:55,733 --> 00:12:57,613
deliver Rimmer by midnight
tomorrow...
223
00:12:57,614 --> 00:13:00,972
then this thing is going to propel
my love spuds
224
00:13:00,973 --> 00:13:03,972
to the far reaches of deep space.
225
00:13:03,973 --> 00:13:06,972
So what? You never use them anyway!
226
00:13:06,973 --> 00:13:09,332
Have you tried removing it, sir?
227
00:13:09,333 --> 00:13:11,332
It's rigged to blow
if I tamper with it.
228
00:13:11,333 --> 00:13:14,332
There's a sign on the side -
"E-R-R-A".
229
00:13:14,333 --> 00:13:17,532
ERRA? Must be something to do
with the manufacturer, but I can't trace them.
230
00:13:17,533 --> 00:13:20,932
I have to say I'm taking
no pleasure from this.
231
00:13:20,933 --> 00:13:23,052
No pleasure whatsoever.
232
00:13:23,053 --> 00:13:25,772
No, wait. In fact,
that's completely wrong.
233
00:13:25,773 --> 00:13:28,852
I'm taking immense pleasure
from this.
234
00:13:28,853 --> 00:13:33,732
It may not have occurred, sir,
but if the exploder detonates, killing Mr Lister,
235
00:13:33,733 --> 00:13:38,012
then the ship will automatically shut
down your hologram projection unit.
236
00:13:38,013 --> 00:13:40,812
If Mr Lister goes, you go with him.
237
00:13:40,813 --> 00:13:43,172
You're both sort of... connected.
238
00:13:43,173 --> 00:13:44,492
Like we are!
239
00:13:44,493 --> 00:13:47,212
What a coincidence!
240
00:13:47,213 --> 00:13:49,052
A thought occurs, sir.
241
00:13:49,053 --> 00:13:52,652
This technology is way beyond
anything the BEGGs could manufacture.
242
00:13:52,653 --> 00:13:57,812
They have a low cunning, but are
a primitive race of little sophistication.
243
00:13:57,813 --> 00:14:00,173
Maybe that's our answer.
244
00:14:14,139 --> 00:14:16,978
Weh-for-a-borg-ka-sming! Ha-ha-ha!
245
00:14:18,237 --> 00:14:22,396
He says, "Ah, so, you return
with my winnings! Ha-ha-ha!"
246
00:14:22,484 --> 00:14:24,563
And in keeping with our agreement,
247
00:14:24,564 --> 00:14:27,204
you deactivate the knacker attacker,
yeah?
248
00:14:28,484 --> 00:14:29,763
Bew-ka-fing?
249
00:14:29,764 --> 00:14:31,284
Is that the hologram?
250
00:14:32,364 --> 00:14:36,283
Yes, it is, but as you can see, he's
old and raddled and fit for nothing.
251
00:14:36,284 --> 00:14:37,283
Scrom-jella!
252
00:14:37,284 --> 00:14:38,643
Fhoom, olla-goon.
253
00:14:38,644 --> 00:14:41,563
Chall-ah-gah! Raddled.
Mon-blaga. Dro-go.
254
00:14:41,564 --> 00:14:44,043
Instead, I bring you this.
255
00:14:44,044 --> 00:14:46,283
O-galla kra-goom-oo, hoon!
256
00:14:46,284 --> 00:14:48,003
The fabled...
257
00:14:48,004 --> 00:14:50,204
spoon of destiny.
258
00:14:51,404 --> 00:14:55,203
He that hath the spoon
controls all things.
259
00:14:55,204 --> 00:14:57,923
No object hath such power.
260
00:14:57,924 --> 00:15:00,763
Oom-balla-scoom-droo!
261
00:15:00,764 --> 00:15:04,923
Hmm-yalla controls
tra-la-loomo drob-oh!
262
00:15:04,924 --> 00:15:08,363
He-swar-gyent-oo-moo?
263
00:15:08,364 --> 00:15:11,825
He says, if the spoon controls all
things, why are you trading it?
264
00:15:12,057 --> 00:15:13,738
Um...
265
00:15:13,796 --> 00:15:18,035
Well, we just don't... really... use
it much any more.
266
00:15:18,036 --> 00:15:19,415
And, um...
267
00:15:19,499 --> 00:15:20,898
It's a good question.
268
00:15:20,899 --> 00:15:26,898
We prefer the ship of green
and a sexy light man
269
00:15:26,899 --> 00:15:30,619
with the lady legs so long
and luscious.
270
00:15:33,259 --> 00:15:34,419
He speaks English!
271
00:15:34,420 --> 00:15:36,618
La-bogo-a-row-go-bay-len...
272
00:15:36,619 --> 00:15:40,978
English boarding school.
Bilan-garoo.
273
00:15:40,979 --> 00:15:42,939
What, he went to an English boarding
school?
274
00:15:42,940 --> 00:15:45,498
Ah, no, sir, he ate someone
from an English boarding school.
275
00:15:45,499 --> 00:15:49,818
He forced them to teach him English
and then he munched them whole.
276
00:15:49,819 --> 00:15:53,818
If it pleases, maybe we will play
cards again.
277
00:15:53,819 --> 00:15:59,098
Then perhaps you will win back your
hologram and your ship of green.
278
00:15:59,099 --> 00:16:04,178
Or maybe you will lose, and,
if you do, we will take your droid!
279
00:16:04,179 --> 00:16:08,538
And your scented, shiny friend too.
280
00:16:10,739 --> 00:16:14,459
Look, we've got nothing to lose.
Let's play.
281
00:16:16,419 --> 00:16:18,378
I have a bad feeling about this.
282
00:16:18,379 --> 00:16:20,778
I've got this one, Krytes.
283
00:16:20,779 --> 00:16:23,178
Sir, you're being set up again.
Don't you see?
284
00:16:23,179 --> 00:16:26,218
They're not simple people, they're
every bit as smart as you or I!
285
00:16:26,219 --> 00:16:28,659
Yeah, I was close the last time,
I just got a bit cocky!
286
00:16:28,660 --> 00:16:30,698
You choked! You always choke!
287
00:16:30,699 --> 00:16:34,338
You can't handle the pressure, bud.
If anyone's going to choke, they'll choke.
288
00:16:34,339 --> 00:16:36,818
They'll choke?!
Yeah, they're the chokers.
289
00:16:36,819 --> 00:16:40,618
They're not going to choke.
290
00:16:40,619 --> 00:16:45,019
They're choking! Don't choke!
How do you get out of this?
291
00:16:46,299 --> 00:16:48,418
Don't die! How do you
get out of the exploder?
292
00:16:48,419 --> 00:16:51,138
What's he saying, Kryten?
293
00:16:51,139 --> 00:16:55,978
He's speaking Choking To Death, sir.
It's very hard to translate if you're not being strangled.
294
00:16:55,979 --> 00:16:57,618
Don't die, don't die!
295
00:16:57,619 --> 00:17:00,458
Argh!
296
00:17:00,459 --> 00:17:04,418
Argh! The only guys that can help me
get out of this thing
297
00:17:04,419 --> 00:17:08,699
and now they're dead!
What am I going to do now?!
298
00:17:12,259 --> 00:17:13,578
Let me get this right.
299
00:17:13,579 --> 00:17:16,818
You guys have become...
quantum entangled somehow?
300
00:17:16,819 --> 00:17:18,018
Exactly.
301
00:17:18,019 --> 00:17:19,378
So you killed them?
302
00:17:19,379 --> 00:17:21,858
Oh, that event was always
going to occur.
303
00:17:21,859 --> 00:17:25,618
It's just, with our heightened
emotions, we were more aware of the synchronicity.
304
00:17:25,619 --> 00:17:27,698
Who cares?! What am I going
to do now?
305
00:17:27,699 --> 00:17:30,578
Perhaps we can harness
our new-found powers to help, sir.
306
00:17:30,579 --> 00:17:32,058
How?
307
00:17:32,059 --> 00:17:35,298
Well, Koestler said intense emotional
states tend to drive coincidence.
308
00:17:35,299 --> 00:17:38,778
So you're saying we need to make you
two emotional?
309
00:17:38,779 --> 00:17:41,098
Precisely. Getting me emotional?
310
00:17:41,099 --> 00:17:42,859
That's going to be harder
than you think.
311
00:17:42,860 --> 00:17:46,458
Ever heard of the expression
"as cool as a Cat"?
312
00:17:46,459 --> 00:17:48,939
We're pretty hard to fluster,
buddy.
313
00:17:50,179 --> 00:17:51,778
Stage one achieved.
314
00:17:51,779 --> 00:17:53,178
What do we do now?
315
00:17:53,179 --> 00:17:54,939
Who turned that on?
316
00:17:56,059 --> 00:17:57,898
'He's in danger, isn't he?
317
00:17:57,899 --> 00:18:00,458
'Oh, darling. Can't we help him?
318
00:18:00,459 --> 00:18:03,058
'He's got to get to the station.
It's his only chance.
319
00:18:03,059 --> 00:18:04,419
'But there's so little time!'
320
00:18:04,420 --> 00:18:07,178
Station? Maybe some space station.
321
00:18:07,179 --> 00:18:09,378
'It's up to him now.
322
00:18:09,379 --> 00:18:11,218
'His fate is...
323
00:18:11,219 --> 00:18:14,458
'written in the stars.'
324
00:18:14,459 --> 00:18:16,417
Maybe the stars
are something to do with this?
325
00:18:16,418 --> 00:18:17,619
It's that book again.
326
00:18:17,620 --> 00:18:19,778
I'm not even going to say it.
327
00:18:19,779 --> 00:18:21,338
Look! Stars.
328
00:18:21,339 --> 00:18:22,498
And numbers.
329
00:18:22,499 --> 00:18:24,898
2-5-2-3-1-1.
330
00:18:24,899 --> 00:18:27,138
Those sound like
space coordinates.
331
00:18:27,139 --> 00:18:28,778
That's getting really annoying.
332
00:18:28,779 --> 00:18:33,178
That's what E-R-R-A
is. It's a space station!
333
00:18:33,179 --> 00:18:37,058
Maybe the device was manufactured on
the space station
334
00:18:37,059 --> 00:18:38,858
and ended up on this moon somehow!
335
00:18:38,859 --> 00:18:43,299
Let's punch these numbers into the
navicom and see where it takes us.
336
00:18:44,523 --> 00:18:46,402
So what is that place?
337
00:18:46,501 --> 00:18:49,420
It's the Erroneous Reasoning
Research Academy, sir,
338
00:18:49,421 --> 00:18:51,140
or ERRA, for short.
339
00:18:51,141 --> 00:18:53,700
Erroneous reasoning? What's that?
340
00:18:53,701 --> 00:18:55,621
Most of the great scientific
breakthroughs
341
00:18:55,622 --> 00:18:58,180
come when two theories previously
dismissed as wrong
342
00:18:58,181 --> 00:18:59,900
are combined to make a right.
343
00:18:59,901 --> 00:19:04,220
The DNA double helix was discovered
in this exact way.
344
00:19:04,221 --> 00:19:05,341
What did they do here?
345
00:19:05,342 --> 00:19:07,620
Well, they specialised
in wrongness, sir.
346
00:19:07,621 --> 00:19:09,500
Wrongness?!
347
00:19:09,501 --> 00:19:12,540
The staff were hand-picked
for their ability to be mistaken,
348
00:19:12,541 --> 00:19:16,300
for their gifts in fallacious
analysis and defective reasoning.
349
00:19:16,301 --> 00:19:18,181
You could have excelled here!
350
00:19:19,461 --> 00:19:23,341
They were all outstandingly good
at being consistently incorrect.
351
00:19:24,741 --> 00:19:28,101
There were a lot of referees,
TV critics, weathermen...
352
00:19:29,421 --> 00:19:32,100
who were then re-educated
in the sciences
353
00:19:32,101 --> 00:19:35,380
to develop extraordinary new
erroneous theories
354
00:19:35,381 --> 00:19:38,980
that would be combined together
to produce works of great genius.
355
00:19:38,981 --> 00:19:40,020
Did it work?
356
00:19:40,021 --> 00:19:41,061
No.
357
00:19:42,141 --> 00:19:44,660
The whole idea turned out to be
wrong.
358
00:19:44,661 --> 00:19:48,340
The man behind the idea was
so depressed, he attempted suicide.
359
00:19:48,341 --> 00:19:52,981
Naturally, he failed and he went on
to live into his 90s.
360
00:19:55,861 --> 00:19:58,740
Look, we know the device
was manufactured here.
361
00:19:58,741 --> 00:20:01,340
The key to getting out of this has
got to be here somewhere.
362
00:20:01,341 --> 00:20:03,260
Logging on to the mainframe.
363
00:20:03,261 --> 00:20:04,780
Oh, interesting.
364
00:20:04,781 --> 00:20:08,340
There appears to be some
kind of life form in stasis.
365
00:20:08,341 --> 00:20:10,060
Maybe we can ask their advice!
366
00:20:10,061 --> 00:20:11,700
Top floor.
367
00:20:11,701 --> 00:20:15,140
I pressed top floor.
How come we're going down?
368
00:20:15,141 --> 00:20:16,581
I'll press down.
369
00:20:19,461 --> 00:20:21,140
Now we're going up!
370
00:20:21,141 --> 00:20:23,740
Everything is wrong here!
371
00:20:23,741 --> 00:20:25,821
I don't think you're right, Kryten.
372
00:20:26,901 --> 00:20:28,780
I assure you I am, sir.
373
00:20:28,781 --> 00:20:30,820
No. I like this place.
374
00:20:30,821 --> 00:20:32,620
I'm very comfortable here.
375
00:20:32,621 --> 00:20:37,541
The smell, the atmosphere.
It feels like... home.
376
00:20:42,901 --> 00:20:44,740
The stasis booths are in there.
377
00:20:44,741 --> 00:20:46,141
How the hell do we get in?
378
00:20:46,142 --> 00:20:48,380
Pity none of us can walk
through walls!
379
00:20:48,381 --> 00:20:50,180
Oh, well, one of us can!
380
00:20:50,181 --> 00:20:53,260
Mr Rimmer, if he switches
to soft light projection mode.
381
00:20:53,261 --> 00:20:55,701
Once I'm in, change back
to hard light projection mode.
382
00:20:55,702 --> 00:20:59,060
Highly likely there'll be
a switch to open the door from inside the vault.
383
00:20:59,061 --> 00:21:02,860
Whatever. Can you just make it
quick? Cos this is getting hotter.
384
00:21:02,861 --> 00:21:04,541
I'm getting baked potatoes!
385
00:21:05,941 --> 00:21:08,741
It sounds like it's getting
ready to blow. Come on.
386
00:21:18,901 --> 00:21:20,540
Can you read me, sir?
387
00:21:20,541 --> 00:21:21,941
Switching you over now.
388
00:21:23,701 --> 00:21:25,940
'Back to hard light, over.'
389
00:21:25,941 --> 00:21:27,380
See anything?
390
00:21:27,381 --> 00:21:30,620
'Eyes adjusting, walking along...
Wait.
391
00:21:30,621 --> 00:21:32,420
'Stasis booths, banks of them.'
392
00:21:32,421 --> 00:21:33,460
Anything?
393
00:21:33,461 --> 00:21:35,620
'There's a light on in one of
the booths.
394
00:21:35,621 --> 00:21:37,380
'Whatever it is, it's alive.
395
00:21:37,381 --> 00:21:41,300
'According to the read-outs,
female, aged 31.'
396
00:21:41,301 --> 00:21:42,780
Kochanski's female.
397
00:21:42,781 --> 00:21:44,260
Kochanski's 31!
398
00:21:44,261 --> 00:21:45,620
Is it Kochanski?
399
00:21:45,621 --> 00:21:48,060
'Whoever it is, they're
brunette, 5'5".'
400
00:21:48,061 --> 00:21:50,780
Kochanski's brunette.
Kochanski's 5'5"!
401
00:21:50,781 --> 00:21:51,939
Is it Kochanski?
402
00:21:51,940 --> 00:21:53,861
'Starting pod deactivation sequence.
403
00:21:53,862 --> 00:21:55,660
'Getting ID info.
404
00:21:55,661 --> 00:21:57,421
'Give me two minutes.
Going offline.'
405
00:21:57,422 --> 00:22:00,180
Oh, it won't be her. It'll be
someone else. It won't be her.
406
00:22:00,181 --> 00:22:03,900
I know it's not her. Don't even
think for one second that I think that it's her,
407
00:22:03,901 --> 00:22:05,459
because I know it isn't,
I know it.
408
00:22:05,460 --> 00:22:07,339
Say it is...
Do you think it might be?
409
00:22:07,340 --> 00:22:09,741
Think it's something to
do with this coincidence thing?
410
00:22:09,742 --> 00:22:11,701
Could be!
411
00:22:12,741 --> 00:22:15,180
The door's opening! Here we go.
412
00:22:15,181 --> 00:22:17,460
It's not Kochanski.
It won't be Kochanski.
413
00:22:17,461 --> 00:22:18,741
It won't be Kochanski.
414
00:22:20,061 --> 00:22:22,620
Gentlemen. Meet Professor Edgington,
415
00:22:22,621 --> 00:22:26,261
head of the ERRA Institute and
inventor of the groinal exploder.
416
00:22:36,621 --> 00:22:38,860
Well, it's definitely not Kochanski.
417
00:22:38,861 --> 00:22:40,301
She went for my groin.
418
00:22:46,821 --> 00:22:51,500
Most fascinating. She was working on
a research programme into evolution,
419
00:22:51,598 --> 00:22:56,117
attempting to evolve into the next
species of the evolutionary ladder.
420
00:22:56,118 --> 00:22:58,437
Naturally, the professor,
as a gifted ERRA-pert,
421
00:22:58,529 --> 00:23:00,248
got the experiment totally wrong.
422
00:23:00,249 --> 00:23:04,608
So basically, she took
an evolutionary wrong turn and wound up a monkey?
423
00:23:04,609 --> 00:23:06,609
She should've stopped
and asked directions!
424
00:23:08,289 --> 00:23:13,048
Much as I'm enjoying this
chitchat, it ain't helping me get this ball-buster off.
425
00:23:13,049 --> 00:23:14,209
I believe it is, sir.
426
00:23:14,210 --> 00:23:18,568
This is the very machine
Professor Edgington carried out her operation with.
427
00:23:18,569 --> 00:23:21,928
Now, if we can evolve her
back to her human form,
428
00:23:21,929 --> 00:23:23,648
she may be able to help us.
429
00:23:23,649 --> 00:23:26,768
I've studied the manual,
it seems quite straightforward.
430
00:23:26,769 --> 00:23:29,248
I'm amazed she got it so wrong!
431
00:23:29,249 --> 00:23:31,809
Come on, let's go, switch it on.
Turning on now, sir.
432
00:23:32,889 --> 00:23:34,448
Pressing "undo" now.
433
00:23:34,449 --> 00:23:37,088
Evolution mode... engaged.
434
00:23:37,089 --> 00:23:38,729
Oo-oo-oo!
435
00:23:41,769 --> 00:23:44,088
Oh, smeg! She's human.
436
00:23:44,089 --> 00:23:46,328
Oh, smeg! She's naked.
437
00:23:46,329 --> 00:23:48,888
She's also naked.
438
00:23:48,889 --> 00:23:51,568
Did anyone mention that yet?
Is she naked?
439
00:23:51,569 --> 00:23:52,967
Oh, yes! I didn't notice.
440
00:23:52,968 --> 00:23:54,729
I'll go and get her a sheet
immediately.
441
00:23:54,730 --> 00:23:56,048
No rush, Kryten.
442
00:23:56,049 --> 00:23:58,368
Remember Protocol 175...
443
00:23:58,369 --> 00:24:00,328
no running in the corridors.
444
00:24:00,329 --> 00:24:01,688
Take your time.
445
00:24:01,689 --> 00:24:03,208
Walk carefully.
446
00:24:03,209 --> 00:24:07,688
Forget about the lift, Kryten,
take the stairs... one at a time.
447
00:24:07,689 --> 00:24:10,208
He's just going to be a few minutes.
448
00:24:10,209 --> 00:24:11,889
What are you doing, Lister?
449
00:24:13,929 --> 00:24:17,328
Allow me to introduce you
to the crew, Professor Edgington.
450
00:24:17,329 --> 00:24:20,528
Oh, please, call me Irene...
or Professor E.
451
00:24:20,529 --> 00:24:22,608
This is Mr Rimmer.
452
00:24:22,609 --> 00:24:24,168
Mr Rimmer!
453
00:24:24,169 --> 00:24:26,888
I sense a special bond between us.
454
00:24:26,889 --> 00:24:29,969
I've always been attracted
to the brave, silent types.
455
00:24:31,529 --> 00:24:33,248
That's me, all right!
456
00:24:33,249 --> 00:24:36,248
I probably won't speak again
for hours,
457
00:24:36,249 --> 00:24:39,889
as I'll be off silently doing
something very brave.
458
00:24:43,649 --> 00:24:45,608
What a gorgeous bunk room.
459
00:24:45,609 --> 00:24:46,968
It's utterly enchanting.
460
00:24:46,969 --> 00:24:48,488
Enchanting?!
461
00:24:48,489 --> 00:24:49,928
Oh!
462
00:24:49,929 --> 00:24:52,088
Who plays the trumpet? Trumpet?
463
00:24:52,089 --> 00:24:53,728
It's a guitar case.
464
00:24:53,729 --> 00:24:55,888
Do any of you play? Yeah, I play.
465
00:24:55,889 --> 00:24:59,209
I bet you're absolutely brilliant.
466
00:25:00,449 --> 00:25:03,648
I thought she was supposed to be
wrong about everything, Kryten.
467
00:25:03,649 --> 00:25:06,808
Moving on to the matter in hand...
468
00:25:06,809 --> 00:25:09,849
Yeah, yeah, can you... help
me get out of this?
469
00:25:12,449 --> 00:25:13,608
There it is.
470
00:25:13,609 --> 00:25:15,368
It's a diagram.
471
00:25:15,369 --> 00:25:18,528
Five symbols. We have to turn them
off in the correct order.
472
00:25:18,529 --> 00:25:20,289
What happens if we choose
the wrong ones?
473
00:25:20,290 --> 00:25:22,289
Absolutely nothing.
It's all perfectly safe.
474
00:25:22,290 --> 00:25:24,048
Oh, God...
475
00:25:24,049 --> 00:25:26,808
Right, if you're going to explode,
it's not going to be in here.
476
00:25:26,809 --> 00:25:30,648
Oh, Protocol 121 - no exploding
in the drive room, right?
477
00:25:30,649 --> 00:25:33,088
Sir, perhaps best
if you stand in the corridor.
478
00:25:33,089 --> 00:25:35,448
Don't mess this up.
I'm relying on you, Kryten.
479
00:25:35,449 --> 00:25:37,729
Don't listen to a word she says.
480
00:25:39,889 --> 00:25:43,528
Alpha, beta, gamma, delta, theta.
481
00:25:43,529 --> 00:25:45,528
OK, ma'am, what's the first
one we turn off?
482
00:25:45,529 --> 00:25:47,528
Beta.
483
00:25:47,529 --> 00:25:48,808
Beta it is.
484
00:25:48,809 --> 00:25:50,368
No...
485
00:25:50,369 --> 00:25:52,168
alpha. No, beta.
486
00:25:52,169 --> 00:25:53,608
Beta or alpha.
487
00:25:53,609 --> 00:25:54,808
Or delta.
488
00:25:54,809 --> 00:25:56,448
No, it's definitely delta.
489
00:25:56,449 --> 00:25:57,889
Delta or gamma.
490
00:25:59,089 --> 00:26:02,728
The only one Professor E
hasn't mentioned is theta.
491
00:26:02,729 --> 00:26:04,729
First one - here it comes, sir -
theta.
492
00:26:08,609 --> 00:26:10,849
Next one - gamma.
493
00:26:12,169 --> 00:26:15,728
Definitely gamma, trust me.
Any other possibilities? No...
494
00:26:15,729 --> 00:26:17,888
No, gamma. It's definitely gamma.
495
00:26:17,889 --> 00:26:19,928
Just gamma. I'm certain it's gamma.
496
00:26:19,929 --> 00:26:21,209
Or maybe beta or alpha.
497
00:26:22,449 --> 00:26:25,649
Next one, sir, here we go - delta.
498
00:26:27,089 --> 00:26:29,368
Next - alpha, beta or gamma?
499
00:26:29,369 --> 00:26:30,928
Beta.
500
00:26:30,929 --> 00:26:32,168
Or gamma.
501
00:26:32,169 --> 00:26:33,368
Or beta.
502
00:26:33,369 --> 00:26:34,729
Alpha!
503
00:26:37,249 --> 00:26:39,448
Two more, sir, then we're there.
504
00:26:39,449 --> 00:26:44,008
Two more? My boots are full
of my own leg dribble.
505
00:26:44,009 --> 00:26:47,168
Professor? Call me Irene...
everyone does.
506
00:26:47,169 --> 00:26:50,608
Next wire - gamma or beta, ma'am?
507
00:26:50,609 --> 00:26:54,008
Beta, it's definitely beta. I'm not
going to change my mind this time.
508
00:26:54,009 --> 00:26:55,808
Beta. Beta.
509
00:26:55,809 --> 00:26:58,888
Beta. OK, gamma it is. Go for it.
510
00:26:58,889 --> 00:27:01,168
Wait a minute,
how about this for weird?
511
00:27:01,169 --> 00:27:04,368
Her name's Irene and her nickname is
Professor E.
512
00:27:04,369 --> 00:27:08,368
Put those names together
and you get Irene E.
513
00:27:08,369 --> 00:27:09,728
Irony.
514
00:27:09,729 --> 00:27:10,809
Wouldn't it be ironic
515
00:27:10,810 --> 00:27:15,088
if a professor known for being wrong
finally got something right?
516
00:27:15,089 --> 00:27:17,168
What do we do?
517
00:27:17,169 --> 00:27:20,929
Go for it. Go for beta.
Go for what she said.
518
00:27:45,209 --> 00:27:51,448
Oh, Arnold, you're everything I want
in a man - kind, clever, selfless.
519
00:27:51,449 --> 00:27:54,048
Don't forget amazing!
520
00:27:54,049 --> 00:27:56,408
Can I ask you a question?
521
00:27:56,409 --> 00:27:58,448
Do you think it would be wrong
for us
522
00:27:58,449 --> 00:28:01,369
to make love on our very first
evening together?
523
00:28:03,049 --> 00:28:04,889
Hmm, let me think.
524
00:28:06,209 --> 00:28:08,568
Well, Irene, on reflection,
525
00:28:08,569 --> 00:28:10,488
and I've given this much thought,
526
00:28:10,489 --> 00:28:12,248
I don't think it would.
527
00:28:12,249 --> 00:28:15,369
In fact, I think it would be
absolutely fine, tickety-boo and peachy.
528
00:28:17,209 --> 00:28:19,128
Hiya.
529
00:28:19,129 --> 00:28:20,169
Come on.
530
00:28:24,489 --> 00:28:26,929
Don't touch the buttons!
Don't touch the buttons!
531
00:28:26,930 --> 00:28:28,729
Don't...!
532
00:28:30,289 --> 00:28:32,169
Oh...
533
00:28:33,249 --> 00:28:34,729
Oh...
534
00:28:40,289 --> 00:28:41,849
Have you got a pen?
535
00:28:43,750 --> 00:29:30,667
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