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1
00:00:04,900 --> 00:00:08,063
("RED DWARF" THEME)
2
00:00:48,978 --> 00:00:53,074
One day in this lousy, stinking penal colony,
and I'm cracking up.
3
00:00:53,248 --> 00:00:57,582
Everyone's so deranged and brutal,
it's frightening. I was so depressed,
4
00:00:57,753 --> 00:01:00,586
- I saw the social worker.
- Was he any help?
5
00:01:00,756 --> 00:01:03,350
Not really. He beat me up.
6
00:01:03,525 --> 00:01:07,985
He said I was a whining nancy boy
with girly white legs,
7
00:01:08,163 --> 00:01:13,465
then pummelled me repeatedly with his book
"Showing Compassion to Inmates".
8
00:01:13,635 --> 00:01:17,765
- Social workers are supposed to be nice.
- I was so shellshocked,
9
00:01:17,940 --> 00:01:21,000
- I told the priest everything.
- What did he say?
10
00:01:21,176 --> 00:01:25,135
He said I was a whining baby
who was missing his mum.
11
00:01:25,314 --> 00:01:27,908
Then he beat me up, too.
12
00:01:28,083 --> 00:01:31,678
You can still see the crucifix marks
in the back of my head.
13
00:01:31,854 --> 00:01:35,085
It's 'cause we're in G tower.
The staff are mad here.
14
00:01:35,257 --> 00:01:40,661
One guy said as a reward for good behaviour,
they move you to the luxury block on D wing.
15
00:01:40,829 --> 00:01:46,358
It's nice there. They even shampoo the rats -
groom their tails and everything.
16
00:01:46,535 --> 00:01:50,369
I must look it up
in my "Michelin Guide to Penal Hellholes".
17
00:01:50,539 --> 00:01:53,599
I'm sure it gets the full five slop-out buckets.
18
00:01:53,776 --> 00:01:58,042
They've got TVs, music centres.
They've even got a trouser press.
19
00:01:59,114 --> 00:02:02,345
Since when were you interested
in a trouser press?
20
00:02:02,518 --> 00:02:07,478
You care less about your appearance
than a member of the Dutch Royal Family.
21
00:02:07,656 --> 00:02:10,989
No, if we got moved to a cell
with a trouser press,
22
00:02:11,160 --> 00:02:13,924
we could make cheese toasties.
23
00:02:17,900 --> 00:02:19,299
What's this?
24
00:02:20,069 --> 00:02:21,900
"Floor 13 information pack.
25
00:02:22,071 --> 00:02:27,168
"If privacy is required when using toilet,
please wear blindfold."
26
00:02:29,878 --> 00:02:31,869
What's the book?
27
00:02:32,047 --> 00:02:33,674
"Gideon's Bible."
28
00:02:33,849 --> 00:02:36,249
He follows me everywhere, that bloke.
29
00:02:36,418 --> 00:02:40,149
I was staying in a hotel once -
he left his bible there as well.
30
00:02:40,322 --> 00:02:44,554
Two years later, another hotel,
dozy git left it behind again.
31
00:02:44,726 --> 00:02:46,353
(SIGHS)
32
00:02:46,528 --> 00:02:51,056
Everything is ruined. My career's over.
I've no goal, no hope, no life.
33
00:02:51,233 --> 00:02:54,225
How come that's starting to get you down now?
34
00:02:54,937 --> 00:02:59,806
We're gonna spend two years in the brig.
Two years with the scum of the universe -
35
00:02:59,975 --> 00:03:04,435
hardened criminals, deranged droids -
people so unbalanced and debauched,
36
00:03:04,613 --> 00:03:09,641
they couldn't even get elected as president
of the United States. We have to escape.
37
00:03:09,818 --> 00:03:13,083
There's security cameras everywhere.
38
00:03:13,255 --> 00:03:17,692
That mad geezer with the one eye
and the funny tick said it was impossible.
39
00:03:17,860 --> 00:03:21,159
He's bound to say that, he was the warden.
40
00:03:21,964 --> 00:03:27,869
If only I'd hired a smarter lawyer instead of the
brain-dead, pompous, stupid-haired git I got.
41
00:03:28,070 --> 00:03:29,833
You defended yourself.
42
00:03:34,910 --> 00:03:38,607
Yes, and I don't need reminding of that,
thank you very much.
43
00:03:39,681 --> 00:03:43,845
- Two years in the Tank.
- Two years.
44
00:03:50,792 --> 00:03:53,124
How did I get into this mess?
45
00:03:53,295 --> 00:03:56,196
I think the blindfold's supposed to be for me.
46
00:04:03,472 --> 00:04:07,704
This is the diary of Captain F. Hollister
of the mining ship Red Dwarf.
47
00:04:07,876 --> 00:04:12,472
Several crew members are being tried
for crimes against the Space Corps.
48
00:04:12,648 --> 00:04:17,244
- Are you familiar with the mind scan?
- We are familiar with the mind scan, sir.
49
00:04:17,419 --> 00:04:19,580
It will involve the administration
50
00:04:19,755 --> 00:04:25,057
of psychotropic drugs which affect
your mental state, making this process possible.
51
00:04:25,227 --> 00:04:27,593
If you accept, say "Aye".
52
00:04:27,763 --> 00:04:30,561
- (ALL) Aye.
- Sign the consent forms,
53
00:04:30,766 --> 00:04:33,530
and seal them into the envelopes provided.
54
00:04:34,736 --> 00:04:36,795
We reconvene at 10 a.m. Tomorrow.
55
00:04:39,474 --> 00:04:44,537
To test the veracity of their defence,
I've had them placed in artificial reality
56
00:04:44,713 --> 00:04:47,238
where their actions can be observed.
57
00:04:47,416 --> 00:04:50,408
(FUNKY MUSIC)
58
00:04:52,921 --> 00:04:55,481
(MUSIC CONTINUES)
59
00:05:04,099 --> 00:05:09,901
Right now, they believe they're escaping,
but we just want to observe what they do.
60
00:05:10,072 --> 00:05:14,668
So that means that if anyone happens
to mention any special agreements
61
00:05:14,843 --> 00:05:19,837
that they've entered into... Can you excuse me?
I think I've left the iron on.
62
00:05:22,084 --> 00:05:24,746
Rimmer, one of the least able of my crew...
63
00:05:31,460 --> 00:05:36,397
...is acting very suspiciously,
being incredibly insightful and efficient.
64
00:05:38,867 --> 00:05:42,769
I suspect he may have access
to the crew's confidential files.
65
00:05:42,938 --> 00:05:45,270
We also believe he may possess a virus
66
00:05:45,440 --> 00:05:49,274
which makes him incredibly attractive
to the opposite sex.
67
00:05:49,444 --> 00:05:54,677
This is a remarkable serum, and, as
a responsible senior officer of the Space Corps,
68
00:05:54,850 --> 00:05:58,411
it's imperative I gain possession of it
and use some myself.
69
00:05:58,587 --> 00:06:01,021
Oh, my God, you are sexy!
70
00:06:01,189 --> 00:06:04,249
So very, very sexy!
71
00:06:08,297 --> 00:06:12,495
Yesterday, he was observed
injecting his groin with anaesthetic -
72
00:06:12,668 --> 00:06:15,228
an attempt to regain some self control.
73
00:06:27,949 --> 00:06:29,940
- Hi.
- (ALL) Hi.
74
00:06:31,520 --> 00:06:37,516
I also suspect someone, possibly Lister, gave
Rimmer access to the crew's confidential files.
75
00:06:37,693 --> 00:06:42,187
He's using this information
to blackmail his way up the chain of command.
76
00:06:42,364 --> 00:06:45,822
It's unforgivable, but it's a technique
that can work.
77
00:06:46,001 --> 00:06:49,994
I should know. I used the same method myself
to become captain.
78
00:06:50,172 --> 00:06:55,633
If the crew discover I'm really
just Dennis the doughnut boy, I'm finished.
79
00:06:56,411 --> 00:06:59,471
I will continue to observe Lister's actions in AR,
80
00:06:59,648 --> 00:07:02,617
and expect my suspicions to be confirmed.
Report ends.
81
00:07:07,856 --> 00:07:11,189
(MUSIC)
82
00:07:18,133 --> 00:07:23,093
This is ground control to Midget 3.
You don't appear to have flight clearance.
83
00:07:23,271 --> 00:07:27,708
- Please state your name and clearance code.
- Ground control, this is...
84
00:07:27,876 --> 00:07:30,242
- Major Tom!
- Yeah, Major Tom!
85
00:07:30,412 --> 00:07:34,075
Major Tom, what is your clearance code
and pilot number?
86
00:07:34,249 --> 00:07:38,083
I'm sorry. I left all my details
in my other pants.
87
00:07:38,253 --> 00:07:40,118
I'm sorry, I didn't catch that.
88
00:07:40,288 --> 00:07:44,816
- Wow!
- Without take-off clearance,
89
00:07:44,993 --> 00:07:49,157
- I can't permit you to fly.
- I can handle this thing OK. I'm good.
90
00:07:49,331 --> 00:07:52,232
I'm better than good - I'm smooth.
91
00:07:52,401 --> 00:07:55,029
I feel smooth.
92
00:07:56,138 --> 00:07:59,539
That's as maybe, but I need proof
that you can fly that thing.
93
00:07:59,708 --> 00:08:03,041
Fly? I can make this thing dance!
94
00:08:28,470 --> 00:08:30,563
(CLATTER)
95
00:09:33,602 --> 00:09:36,400
(UPBEAT JAZZ-FUNK)
96
00:10:28,123 --> 00:10:29,522
Wow!
97
00:10:34,763 --> 00:10:36,162
You free Saturday?
98
00:10:36,331 --> 00:10:38,561
I am now.
99
00:10:38,733 --> 00:10:42,169
Holy schmoly! I've got a date
in three days' time.
100
00:10:43,338 --> 00:10:46,398
- I'm gonna get ready.
- You're going nowhere, man.
101
00:10:46,575 --> 00:10:48,475
We are outta here!
102
00:11:06,361 --> 00:11:10,127
- Thornton.
- No one's allowed in there. Beat it.
103
00:11:10,298 --> 00:11:13,995
Angus Thornton - aged 36, middle name Lionel.
104
00:11:14,970 --> 00:11:18,963
Inside leg measurement 29,
neck size 16, circumcised.
105
00:11:19,574 --> 00:11:21,872
- How do you know all this?
- Jazz fan.
106
00:11:23,511 --> 00:11:24,910
Good credit rating.
107
00:11:25,080 --> 00:11:29,483
Once admitted to hospital totally naked
and attached to... (WHISPERS)
108
00:11:29,651 --> 00:11:35,556
That's a slanderous, filthy, stinking,
slanderous lie that you just made up.
109
00:11:36,591 --> 00:11:39,185
- Who told you?
- Want all the crew to know?
110
00:11:39,361 --> 00:11:42,922
- Take a cigarette break. Five minutes.
- OK, I'm going.
111
00:11:43,098 --> 00:11:45,396
I'm lighting up already. I'm going.
112
00:11:56,077 --> 00:12:01,208
Once we get a bearing on those damn nanos,we're cruising down Freedom Boulevard.
113
00:12:04,152 --> 00:12:07,144
(KRYTEN) Getting something now.
(LISTER) Good.
114
00:12:07,322 --> 00:12:13,318
We didn't need that confidential file I gave toRimmer. All that stuff I gave him on the captain.
115
00:12:13,495 --> 00:12:14,894
Two-faced rat!
116
00:12:16,598 --> 00:12:21,558
Find all references to the agreement
between Lister and Rimmer...
117
00:12:22,370 --> 00:12:24,463
...and remove.
118
00:12:25,774 --> 00:12:27,469
(COMPUTER) All references removed.
119
00:12:27,642 --> 00:12:29,075
(SIGHS)
120
00:12:30,211 --> 00:12:34,443
- What's that? Something weird just happened.
- I felt it, too.
121
00:12:34,916 --> 00:12:37,714
- There it was again.
- And again.
122
00:12:37,886 --> 00:12:39,285
Oh, my!
123
00:12:39,454 --> 00:12:41,581
- What is it?
- I don't believe I'm here.
124
00:12:41,756 --> 00:12:44,748
I have that feeling all the time.
125
00:12:44,926 --> 00:12:49,386
We're in a computer-manipulated
psychotropically-induced mind state.
126
00:12:49,564 --> 00:12:51,998
You took the words right out of my mouth.
127
00:12:52,167 --> 00:12:56,069
You mean this is our trial?
Our escape is our trial?
128
00:12:56,237 --> 00:12:59,297
The envelopes - when we signed
the consent forms.
129
00:12:59,474 --> 00:13:02,307
There was a drug on the gluey bit we licked.
130
00:13:02,477 --> 00:13:08,177
So nothing's been real since then? Blue Midget,
the ground controller - none of that was real?
131
00:13:08,349 --> 00:13:11,580
You mean after all this,
I still haven't got a date?
132
00:13:12,721 --> 00:13:16,885
Another year when I have
to send a Valentine card to my hand!
133
00:13:17,058 --> 00:13:19,993
This is good. It proves we're innocent.
134
00:13:20,161 --> 00:13:25,895
Everything we've done - escaping, trying to
track down the nanos, it corroborates our story.
135
00:13:26,067 --> 00:13:29,002
But you ARE guilty, guys. Who are you fooling?
136
00:13:30,238 --> 00:13:32,069
I don't know why I said that.
137
00:13:33,408 --> 00:13:34,807
(BLEEPING)
138
00:13:34,976 --> 00:13:36,534
We're being framed.
139
00:13:36,711 --> 00:13:40,272
I just said, "We're being framed," and suddenly...
140
00:13:41,850 --> 00:13:45,149
It happened again. Everything we say is being...
141
00:13:45,320 --> 00:13:47,550
Bananas.
142
00:13:47,722 --> 00:13:52,182
If I say who I think is responsible for this,
it'll get cut, too - but it's him.
143
00:13:52,360 --> 00:13:56,820
You can bet on it, and if I ever catch up
with him, I'll cut off both his...
144
00:13:56,998 --> 00:13:59,228
...blunt knife.
145
00:13:59,400 --> 00:14:02,858
- How do we stop it?
- If we're plugged into AR software,
146
00:14:03,037 --> 00:14:06,336
a trapdoor's built into the program
to allow escape.
147
00:14:06,508 --> 00:14:08,635
(SQUEAKING)
148
00:14:08,810 --> 00:14:14,271
- To help you get out if the program freezes?
- Precisely. There'll be a cryptic clue,
149
00:14:14,449 --> 00:14:16,883
something like a trapdoor or exit.
150
00:14:23,491 --> 00:14:25,459
I got it!
151
00:14:25,627 --> 00:14:28,892
- There's a button here with E-11-T on it.
- And?
152
00:14:29,964 --> 00:14:31,795
11 is XI in Roman numerals.
153
00:14:31,966 --> 00:14:34,935
E-X-l-T. Exit!
154
00:14:36,004 --> 00:14:39,235
- HE got that?
- It proves without a shadow of a doubt
155
00:14:39,407 --> 00:14:41,272
this is not reality.
156
00:14:41,442 --> 00:14:44,240
(SQUEAKING LAUGHTER)
157
00:14:45,046 --> 00:14:46,843
Press it.
158
00:14:49,350 --> 00:14:51,341
Now where are we?
159
00:14:54,722 --> 00:14:57,054
We've landed in the screen saver.
160
00:14:59,828 --> 00:15:03,855
We need to locate a power source
so we can switch the AR machine off.
161
00:15:04,032 --> 00:15:08,093
Power source? Well, there has to be a clue
round here somewhere.
162
00:15:08,269 --> 00:15:10,260
Maybe it's in this ice hole.
163
00:15:11,339 --> 00:15:13,307
(ROARS)
164
00:15:17,912 --> 00:15:19,243
Bleugh!
165
00:15:22,083 --> 00:15:23,812
There's some food in here.
166
00:15:26,921 --> 00:15:30,049
- So?
- Including a bottle of ketchup.
167
00:15:32,126 --> 00:15:35,186
- So?
- Power ketchup, get it?
168
00:15:35,363 --> 00:15:38,355
- What's to get?
- Power SOURCE!
169
00:15:38,533 --> 00:15:42,469
- He's even smart when he's made of Plasticine.
- Press it.
170
00:15:46,374 --> 00:15:47,864
Ooh.
171
00:15:48,042 --> 00:15:49,475
(TAPPING KEY)
172
00:15:51,246 --> 00:15:55,080
You backstabbing, weaselly smegger!
173
00:15:55,250 --> 00:15:57,184
You were trying to frame us!
174
00:15:57,352 --> 00:16:01,550
Listy, just the man.
I know at first glance it may look bad...
175
00:16:01,723 --> 00:16:03,122
God, he's gorgeous!
176
00:16:03,291 --> 00:16:06,624
- Hold her back, please. No more.
- Oh, those nostrils.
177
00:16:06,794 --> 00:16:11,026
- They're driving me crazy.
- Hold her back, Kryten. Help me!
178
00:16:22,210 --> 00:16:23,677
Put the lift on hold.
179
00:16:25,613 --> 00:16:27,604
I want his babies!
180
00:16:29,117 --> 00:16:31,585
The luck virus. Take some.
181
00:16:31,753 --> 00:16:35,348
It'll cure the virus
and restore you both to normal.
182
00:16:42,363 --> 00:16:44,228
God, that's so embarrassing!
183
00:16:46,234 --> 00:16:48,896
- What now, Hol?
- No time to lose.
184
00:16:49,070 --> 00:16:51,903
You should head for the nearest one of these.
185
00:16:54,242 --> 00:16:57,075
- You mean a moon?
- Exactly.
186
00:16:57,245 --> 00:17:00,646
We can regroup there
and continue our search for the nanos.
187
00:17:00,815 --> 00:17:04,251
- What about me?
- Suggest we persuade you to come with us
188
00:17:04,419 --> 00:17:06,478
or we bludgeon you unconscious.
189
00:17:07,555 --> 00:17:10,149
Him come with us? Are you out of your mind?!
190
00:17:10,325 --> 00:17:12,452
That so dumb, I should have said it!
191
00:17:12,627 --> 00:17:16,961
Mr. Rimmer saw the confidential files.
He knows all the security codes.
192
00:17:17,131 --> 00:17:20,157
Without him, our chances
of escape are as remote
193
00:17:20,335 --> 00:17:23,793
as meeting an interesting hairdresser
called Kylie.
194
00:17:23,972 --> 00:17:26,873
If I come with you,
what have you got to offer?
195
00:17:27,041 --> 00:17:30,067
I'm very good at laundry, sir.
196
00:17:30,244 --> 00:17:33,145
I do a damn fine moon impression.
197
00:17:33,648 --> 00:17:34,945
I'm so gorgeous,
198
00:17:35,116 --> 00:17:40,110
there's a six-month waiting list for birds
to suddenly appear every time I'm near.
199
00:17:42,323 --> 00:17:46,555
You know what they say -
if you've three good friends, you're a rich man.
200
00:17:46,728 --> 00:17:52,223
- Only poor people say that.
- Forget it. He's not gonna change his mind.
201
00:17:52,400 --> 00:17:57,337
The crew will know we're out of AR now
and will send someone to investigate.
202
00:17:58,239 --> 00:18:01,037
So, what's it to be?
203
00:18:01,209 --> 00:18:06,909
If I leave, I'm always going to be a failure. The
shame of it - every time I have a boiled egg,
204
00:18:07,081 --> 00:18:10,346
knowing I don't even outrank
the toastie soldiers.
205
00:18:10,518 --> 00:18:14,955
- I want to be an officer. A man of honour.
- Officers are head cases.
206
00:18:15,123 --> 00:18:18,422
Those induction pranks
they play when you qualify!
207
00:18:18,593 --> 00:18:22,586
(SIGHS) I've dreamt of that proud day
for years now -
208
00:18:22,764 --> 00:18:25,358
as I wake up after the celebration party
209
00:18:25,533 --> 00:18:29,128
and find my pubes are orange
and I'm handcuffed to a goat.
210
00:18:30,271 --> 00:18:36,005
And most hilarious of all, discovering I'm
superglued to the rear of one of those rabbits
211
00:18:36,177 --> 00:18:38,577
that whizzes round greyhound tracks.
212
00:18:38,746 --> 00:18:43,149
Ah! Those mad japes they play on you.
I can't miss all that.
213
00:18:43,317 --> 00:18:47,583
That's not gonna happen,
just like it didn't happen for the other Rimmer.
214
00:18:47,755 --> 00:18:50,349
We're giving you a second chance at life,
215
00:18:50,525 --> 00:18:55,428
and an opportunity for you to screw it upin a new and original way.
216
00:18:57,365 --> 00:19:02,826
You'll get a seat in the cockpit
and you'll be in control of at least five buttons.
217
00:19:03,004 --> 00:19:07,668
He's hardly going to be impressed
at being in charge of a few buttons!
218
00:19:07,842 --> 00:19:10,504
Five, you say?
219
00:19:10,678 --> 00:19:15,775
No more vending machine maintenance.
No more getting heckled by drinks dispensers.
220
00:19:15,950 --> 00:19:18,043
That's five whole buttons?
221
00:19:18,219 --> 00:19:20,380
A new start, a new life.
222
00:19:20,555 --> 00:19:23,149
Each morning, you'll wanna leap out of bed.
223
00:19:23,324 --> 00:19:28,819
In your case, Mr. Lister, that's because your
sheets are covered in pointy poppadom shards.
224
00:19:28,996 --> 00:19:32,090
Tell me about these buttons.
Are some illuminated?
225
00:19:32,266 --> 00:19:36,430
What do you say, man? The old Rimmer
was a vital member of the team.
226
00:19:36,604 --> 00:19:40,096
He performed essential functions
we've never replaced.
227
00:19:40,274 --> 00:19:41,639
What did he do?
228
00:19:41,809 --> 00:19:43,800
Dunno, really.
229
00:19:43,978 --> 00:19:46,344
He, um... He was, um...
230
00:19:48,883 --> 00:19:50,851
Head of Safety.
231
00:19:51,018 --> 00:19:55,648
Head of Safety? That's a hell of a title.
What did he actually do?
232
00:19:56,724 --> 00:20:02,321
You sort out danger. You sort out peril. Then
you advise on the best way to run away from it.
233
00:20:03,931 --> 00:20:06,923
Head of Safety, five buttons.
234
00:20:07,368 --> 00:20:08,665
I'm in!
235
00:20:09,637 --> 00:20:11,798
He's in? Let's celebrate!
236
00:20:11,973 --> 00:20:14,271
I'll crack open a bottle of cyanide.
237
00:20:28,956 --> 00:20:34,986
This is ground control.
You don't appear to have flight clearance.
238
00:20:35,796 --> 00:20:41,098
- You're the ground controller?
- Please state your name and clearance code.
239
00:20:41,269 --> 00:20:42,964
Reality sucks!
240
00:20:43,938 --> 00:20:46,930
Your name's Reality Sucks? (LAUGHS)
241
00:20:47,108 --> 00:20:49,235
One second, Mr. Sucks.
242
00:20:50,645 --> 00:20:52,909
Just checking my clearance list.
243
00:20:54,348 --> 00:20:57,943
- Just do another smegging dance and we'll go.
- Dance?!
244
00:20:58,119 --> 00:21:00,417
With her, I'd have trouble walking!
245
00:21:00,588 --> 00:21:02,715
I'm powering up.
246
00:21:06,561 --> 00:21:09,962
Come back, Mr. Sucks! Come back!
247
00:21:18,773 --> 00:21:23,801
There's nothing on the scanners for
a 1,000-mile radius. We're in the clear, guys!
248
00:21:23,978 --> 00:21:25,502
(ALL) Yes!
249
00:21:26,414 --> 00:21:28,507
- I don't believe we are.
- What's up?
250
00:21:28,683 --> 00:21:33,177
According to the supplies inventory,
we're frighteningly low on...
251
00:21:33,354 --> 00:21:37,290
- I can barely say it.
- What are we frighteningly low on? Oxygen?
252
00:21:37,458 --> 00:21:39,824
Worse. Fabric softener!
253
00:21:40,628 --> 00:21:44,894
Suggest we chart a course
to the nearest derelict - the SS Einstein -
254
00:21:45,066 --> 00:21:48,001
before your woollens get all bibbly-bobbly.
255
00:21:49,337 --> 00:21:53,296
Einstein? Wasn't he the dude
who discovered America?
256
00:21:53,474 --> 00:21:57,137
- Einstein discovered the theory of relativity.
- Where?
257
00:21:57,311 --> 00:21:59,836
Was it fossilized and stuff?
258
00:22:01,015 --> 00:22:03,347
The theory of relativity is...
259
00:22:06,153 --> 00:22:09,452
- What is the theory of relativity?
- What is it, Hol?
260
00:22:10,491 --> 00:22:12,459
Bit busy at the moment, Dave.
261
00:22:12,627 --> 00:22:15,721
Just tell us what it is in simple layman's terms.
262
00:22:15,896 --> 00:22:17,887
It's a theory.
263
00:22:18,833 --> 00:22:20,164
Yeah, but what is it?
264
00:22:20,334 --> 00:22:23,167
You want it more complicatedthan that, do you?
265
00:22:23,337 --> 00:22:26,864
- What does it mean?
- It's the theory of relativity.
266
00:22:27,041 --> 00:22:30,841
You know - it's a theoryyou only tell your relatives.
267
00:22:32,513 --> 00:22:36,540
It's so sad. Holly's supposed
to have an IQ of 6,000.
268
00:22:36,717 --> 00:22:38,981
Now, I doubt he could even spell IQ.
269
00:22:39,153 --> 00:22:43,590
If I'm so stupid, if I'm computer-senile,explain this then.
270
00:22:44,592 --> 00:22:45,923
Explain what?
271
00:22:46,093 --> 00:22:48,186
You can't, can you? I
272
00:22:52,133 --> 00:22:53,430
Explain what?
273
00:22:53,601 --> 00:22:57,162
It's no good stalling, trying to buy time.
274
00:22:57,838 --> 00:22:59,135
If I'm so stupid,
275
00:22:59,307 --> 00:23:04,267
how was I able to recreate a new setof nanobots and get them to resurrect the crew?
276
00:23:04,445 --> 00:23:05,844
(ALL) What?
277
00:23:06,013 --> 00:23:08,072
I thought you'd be pleased.
278
00:23:08,249 --> 00:23:09,648
But why?
279
00:23:09,817 --> 00:23:11,785
My job is to keep Dave sane.
280
00:23:11,952 --> 00:23:15,149
True, I'm not that good at it, but I do my best.
281
00:23:15,323 --> 00:23:19,157
That's why I create little diversionsto keep him occupied.
282
00:23:19,327 --> 00:23:22,922
Hol, we could have wound up
doing two years in the brig!
283
00:23:23,097 --> 00:23:26,066
You still could. I've just worked it out.
284
00:23:26,233 --> 00:23:27,700
We're still in AR.
285
00:23:27,868 --> 00:23:29,631
(ALL) What?
286
00:23:29,804 --> 00:23:31,101
In computer jargon,
287
00:23:31,272 --> 00:23:33,763
my plans have all gone tits up.
288
00:23:38,879 --> 00:23:42,144
- I was out-thought and out manoeuvred.
- Who by?
289
00:23:42,316 --> 00:23:44,648
By a superior intellect.
290
00:23:44,819 --> 00:23:49,051
You mean the hand dryer in the toilets
has outsmarted you again?
291
00:23:49,690 --> 00:23:55,151
No. By that other version of me -
the one on Red Dwarf. This is still our trial.
292
00:23:55,329 --> 00:23:57,422
Our trial? Why didn't you say?
293
00:23:57,598 --> 00:23:59,964
If I'd known, I'd have worn a tie!
294
00:24:02,837 --> 00:24:06,898
The nanobots story is corroborated.
They tried to track 'em down.
295
00:24:07,074 --> 00:24:11,374
Their actions in the psychotropically
induced scenario bear that out.
296
00:24:11,545 --> 00:24:13,137
I agree, Frank.
297
00:24:13,314 --> 00:24:18,911
I also believe we died and were indeedresurrected - again, borne out by their actions.
298
00:24:19,086 --> 00:24:22,419
So, original charges - all innocent.
299
00:24:22,590 --> 00:24:28,324
But it's apparent that they used classified
information from the crew's confidential files
300
00:24:28,496 --> 00:24:29,793
to their own ends.
301
00:24:29,964 --> 00:24:36,301
I suspected Rimmer had access when he began
acting incredibly smart and knowledgeable.
302
00:24:36,470 --> 00:24:38,563
What a giveaway!
303
00:24:39,373 --> 00:24:43,901
That's why I got him to lick a psychotropic
envelope when I asked him to dinner.
304
00:24:44,078 --> 00:24:48,981
So, abusing classified information.That's a fresh charge.
305
00:24:49,150 --> 00:24:51,050
On that, they're all guilty.
306
00:24:51,218 --> 00:24:53,743
- That's a statutory sentence.
- I know.
307
00:24:53,921 --> 00:24:56,481
Two years in the brig.
308
00:24:56,657 --> 00:25:01,594
So instead of the original charge and a possiblesentence of two years in the brig,
309
00:25:01,762 --> 00:25:03,957
they've been found guilty on another charge
310
00:25:04,131 --> 00:25:07,362
and got an entirely differenttwo years in the brig.
311
00:25:08,536 --> 00:25:11,027
That's gonna be a great comfort to them.
312
00:25:11,205 --> 00:25:13,696
I'll bring them round and break the news.
313
00:25:17,178 --> 00:25:20,739
- This is reality? But how can we be sure?
- Why do we care?
314
00:25:20,915 --> 00:25:23,907
Nothing makes any sense
no matter where we are.
315
00:25:24,084 --> 00:25:28,316
Look, everything was real
before we licked the envelopes, right?
316
00:25:28,489 --> 00:25:31,390
Then we conked out and got carted off to AR.
317
00:25:31,559 --> 00:25:33,550
Before we licked anything...
318
00:25:33,727 --> 00:25:36,958
Before we licked anything,
I lent you my Holly watch.
319
00:25:37,598 --> 00:25:40,761
So if this is reality, I should still be wearing it.
320
00:25:40,935 --> 00:25:45,770
Oh, yeah. This is reality, all right.I'd recognise it anywhere.
321
00:25:46,240 --> 00:25:51,200
Also, shouldn't you have the viruses? You found
them on Starbug before we licked the envelopes.
322
00:25:54,348 --> 00:25:55,838
The luck virus.
323
00:25:56,016 --> 00:25:58,075
Maybe we can get out of this mess.
324
00:25:58,252 --> 00:26:01,949
I'll have that. The lab boys
are gonna want to run tests on it.
325
00:26:02,122 --> 00:26:04,420
(CAPTAIN) Where's the other one?
326
00:26:04,592 --> 00:26:06,753
I'm afraid I lost it, sir.
327
00:26:06,927 --> 00:26:10,761
Goddammit, Rimmer! I wanted that...
328
00:26:10,931 --> 00:26:15,459
I mean, the lab boys wanted it
to test it too. Damn!
329
00:26:16,537 --> 00:26:18,630
- This is all your fault.
- My fault?
330
00:26:18,806 --> 00:26:21,707
You betrayed us over the confidential file scam.
331
00:26:21,876 --> 00:26:24,936
- Stole the sexual magnetism virus.
- Lied to us.
332
00:26:25,112 --> 00:26:29,674
And behaved like a self-serving,
scum-sucking, ruthless little rat bag!
333
00:26:29,850 --> 00:26:31,750
And that's bad?
334
00:26:31,919 --> 00:26:38,347
(CAPTAIN) You have been found guiltyof contravening Act 21 of the Space Federation.
335
00:26:38,526 --> 00:26:44,158
Before sentencing, you will have medicals soyou can be assigned appropriate prison status.
336
00:26:45,566 --> 00:26:47,932
I've buggered this up a bit, haven't I?
337
00:27:09,557 --> 00:27:11,923
Welcome to the Tank.
338
00:27:34,748 --> 00:27:38,343
(SONG) It's cold outside,there's no kind of atmosphere
339
00:27:38,519 --> 00:27:41,784
I'm all alone, more or less
340
00:27:41,956 --> 00:27:45,016
Let me fly far away from here
341
00:27:45,192 --> 00:27:48,025
Fun, fun, fun
342
00:27:48,195 --> 00:27:51,687
In the sun, sun, sun
343
00:27:51,865 --> 00:27:55,232
I want to lie, shipwrecked and comatose
344
00:27:55,402 --> 00:27:58,428
Drinking fresh mango juice
345
00:27:58,606 --> 00:28:01,837
Goldfish shoals, nibbling at my toes
346
00:28:02,009 --> 00:28:04,773
Fun, fun, fun
347
00:28:04,945 --> 00:28:08,346
In the sun, sun, sun
348
00:28:08,515 --> 00:28:11,382
Fun, fun, fun
349
00:28:11,552 --> 00:28:15,545
In the sun, sun, sun
350
00:28:15,595 --> 00:28:20,145
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