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A Pop original.
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- What?
- What?
3
00:00:27,391 --> 00:00:29,326
You gonna introduce us
to your little friend?
4
00:00:29,358 --> 00:00:31,694
I had a small squamous cell
carcinoma removed.
5
00:00:31,727 --> 00:00:34,764
Definitely gotta tag this "NSFW."
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00:00:34,797 --> 00:00:36,699
Not safe for work,
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00:00:36,733 --> 00:00:38,535
because it's disgusting.
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Is your squamous Andrew
Cuomos... Is that cancer?
9
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It was cancer. It has been removed.
10
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You know what? I hate
cancer. I'll say it.
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And it's ironic, 'cause I am a Cancer,
12
00:00:49,245 --> 00:00:50,647
horoscope-wise,
13
00:00:50,681 --> 00:00:52,815
so I'm the Cancer who hates cancer.
14
00:00:52,840 --> 00:00:55,376
Okay, can we please
stop saying "cancer"?
15
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Typical bossy Virgo.
16
00:00:57,653 --> 00:00:58,955
Davis, I'm fine.
17
00:00:58,989 --> 00:01:01,806
Yes, I had to pay out of pocket
because insurance wouldn't cover it,
18
00:01:01,831 --> 00:01:04,101
but I am waiting for the
doctor to call me back
19
00:01:04,545 --> 00:01:06,714
and tell me how much this
cancer is gonna cost me.
20
00:01:06,739 --> 00:01:08,702
- Please!
- You guys didn't know?
21
00:01:08,727 --> 00:01:10,767
Davis is a raging hypochondriac
22
00:01:10,800 --> 00:01:12,835
and a germaphobe. Super fun.
23
00:01:12,868 --> 00:01:14,425
Maybe for Davis' sake,
24
00:01:14,450 --> 00:01:17,807
we could all just call it
the C word from now on.
25
00:01:17,832 --> 00:01:20,802
Isn't the C word "cunt"?
26
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It's definitely "cunt."
27
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You know, my mother
used to call the whole
28
00:01:24,657 --> 00:01:27,092
cheerleading squad a
bunch of raging C words.
29
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I don't think she meant cancer.
30
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I read a story about a kid
31
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who was bald from sickness, and everyone
32
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- shaved their heads in solidarity.
- Nice.
33
00:01:37,152 --> 00:01:38,518
Penny, I don't want youto
shave your head for me.
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I'm not.
35
00:01:39,573 --> 00:01:41,295
I'm gonna put a bandage on my lips
36
00:01:41,320 --> 00:01:43,343
so everyone knows
that I'm on Team Staci.
37
00:01:43,368 --> 00:01:44,764
Um, Penny, you don't need to do that.
38
00:01:44,789 --> 00:01:47,704
I insist. Do you have an extra bandage?
39
00:01:47,737 --> 00:01:49,540
- No.
- Do you mind if I run out
40
00:01:49,573 --> 00:01:51,574
real quick to CVS?
41
00:01:51,608 --> 00:01:53,677
Ooh, can you pick up some
panty liners for my wife?
42
00:01:53,710 --> 00:01:55,708
I just hate buying that girly stuff.
43
00:01:55,733 --> 00:01:56,748
It makes me feel weird.
44
00:01:56,773 --> 00:01:59,374
And can you get me one of
those Pedialyte ice sticks?
45
00:01:59,448 --> 00:02:00,923
I feel like a Popsicle.
46
00:02:00,948 --> 00:02:03,487
Actually, can you pick up a
sugar-free Red Bull as well?
47
00:02:03,519 --> 00:02:04,921
I'll take a bag of sand.
48
00:02:04,954 --> 00:02:06,589
I'll have some hand sanitizer.
49
00:02:06,623 --> 00:02:08,559
We're not going to CVS!
50
00:02:08,591 --> 00:02:10,761
Guys, we have a great show tonight.
51
00:02:10,793 --> 00:02:12,529
We have Alec and Hilaria Baldwin.
52
00:02:12,561 --> 00:02:14,430
Alec's gonna be promoting his new movie,
53
00:02:14,464 --> 00:02:16,468
and Hilaria will be
doing a yoga segment.
54
00:02:16,493 --> 00:02:18,668
Let's just... let's just
have a fun night, okay?
55
00:02:18,702 --> 00:02:21,261
And please don't say the word
"cancer" in front of Davis.
56
00:02:21,286 --> 00:02:23,573
- Staci...
- Yes, cunt?
57
00:02:25,042 --> 00:02:26,744
From Studio 9B
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00:02:26,776 --> 00:02:28,911
in the heart of New York City,
59
00:02:28,945 --> 00:02:31,284
it's "Nightcap with Jimmy."
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Tonight, the multitalented
and very intimidating
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00:02:34,304 --> 00:02:35,940
Alec Baldwin,
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00:02:35,965 --> 00:02:38,145
America's favorite downward dogger,
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Hilaria Baldwin.
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Turn off the studio smoke detectors.
65
00:02:42,858 --> 00:02:45,796
Jimmy sets stuff on fire.
66
00:02:45,828 --> 00:02:48,217
And now, number five in the ratings
67
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but number one in our hearts,
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here's Jimmy!
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-- Synced and corrected by DaddyBear --
-- www.addic7ed.com --
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00:03:01,188 --> 00:03:03,410
- Hey, Hilaria, hi.
- Hi.
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00:03:03,435 --> 00:03:05,896
Hi, oh, I just wanted to make
sure you had everything,
72
00:03:05,921 --> 00:03:09,864
you know, sheep's milk
or bran or... oats.
73
00:03:09,889 --> 00:03:11,322
No, I'm... I'm good.
I'm good. I'm great.
74
00:03:11,355 --> 00:03:12,889
- Great, great.
- I'm great.
75
00:03:12,923 --> 00:03:16,169
- How... how are you?
- Oh-oh, I know. Gross.
76
00:03:16,212 --> 00:03:18,447
It's a squamous cell carcinoma.
77
00:03:18,862 --> 00:03:20,364
- A squamous cell carcinoma.
- Yes.
78
00:03:20,397 --> 00:03:22,031
Oh, my God, are you okay?
79
00:03:22,065 --> 00:03:24,335
Oh, you know, I just...
I hate looking in the mirror,
80
00:03:24,368 --> 00:03:26,765
but I always hated
looking in the mirror, so...
81
00:03:26,790 --> 00:03:28,926
Oh, my goodness, you poor thing.
82
00:03:28,951 --> 00:03:30,454
Yeah, well, I guess guys aren't gonna be
83
00:03:30,479 --> 00:03:32,215
knocking down the door to date me.
84
00:03:32,240 --> 00:03:33,478
Oh, I'm sure you're gonna
have no problem.
85
00:03:33,503 --> 00:03:34,938
Oh, you're so... ooh.
86
00:03:35,230 --> 00:03:36,309
- I'm so sorry.
- No, go for it.
87
00:03:36,334 --> 00:03:37,930
- It's my doctor.
- Go for it.
88
00:03:37,955 --> 00:03:39,857
I'm not looking forward to this call.
89
00:03:39,882 --> 00:03:41,349
Hello.
90
00:03:41,623 --> 00:03:44,293
What? That is much worse than I thought.
91
00:03:44,318 --> 00:03:47,432
$3,000 to scrape off a mole?
92
00:03:47,457 --> 00:03:48,825
Are you insane?
93
00:03:48,850 --> 00:03:51,320
What's wrong with Staci?
Did she get some bad news?
94
00:03:51,528 --> 00:03:53,070
- She has cancer.
- Oh, no.
95
00:03:53,095 --> 00:03:54,797
- I know.
- No wonder she looked
96
00:03:54,822 --> 00:03:56,927
ten years older since I
was here last summer.
97
00:03:56,952 --> 00:03:59,388
Alec, she's feeling very self-conscious.
98
00:03:59,722 --> 00:04:01,491
Talk to her. Make her feel pretty.
99
00:04:01,516 --> 00:04:05,427
Baby, you are like an
angel sent from heaven.
100
00:04:05,452 --> 00:04:08,782
You are so kind and so loving,
101
00:04:08,807 --> 00:04:11,156
and even though you get pregnant
every time we have sex,
102
00:04:11,181 --> 00:04:12,649
make love to me on the floor right now.
103
00:04:12,681 --> 00:04:13,951
Alec, promise me. Talk to her.
104
00:04:13,984 --> 00:04:16,919
Honey, I'm an actor. Of course
I'm gonna make her feel special.
105
00:04:16,953 --> 00:04:20,490
I'm gonna make her feel loved. I'm
gonna turn on the old Baldwin charm.
106
00:04:20,523 --> 00:04:22,024
You mean the Alec Baldwin charm?
107
00:04:22,049 --> 00:04:24,218
Oh, yes, not the Danny, Billy,
or Stephen Baldwin charm.
108
00:04:24,243 --> 00:04:28,248
No, no, no, no. Um, we
have a few minutes.
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00:04:28,273 --> 00:04:30,075
Pretzel me.
110
00:04:37,508 --> 00:04:39,577
Phil, what the hell are you doing?
111
00:04:40,076 --> 00:04:42,746
This is how I handle my anxiety.
112
00:04:42,778 --> 00:04:45,690
Aren't there better ways to handle
anxiety than rocking like that?
113
00:04:45,715 --> 00:04:48,373
Rocking is the only thing
that works for me.
114
00:04:48,398 --> 00:04:50,151
- Also, heroin.
- Hmm.
115
00:04:50,176 --> 00:04:52,046
But rocking's a lot easier to quit.
116
00:04:52,596 --> 00:04:55,300
Actually makes a lot of sense.
So, um, what's the problem?
117
00:04:55,325 --> 00:04:57,293
My supervisor is coming.
118
00:04:57,327 --> 00:04:59,802
Apparently, I'm gonna get
reprimanded for who knows what.
119
00:04:59,827 --> 00:05:02,166
Yeah, I never met your supervisor.
120
00:05:02,198 --> 00:05:03,433
Is he tough?
121
00:05:03,467 --> 00:05:05,568
He's not a he. He's a she.
122
00:05:05,601 --> 00:05:07,203
And she's very tough.
123
00:05:07,236 --> 00:05:09,831
"Tough's" not even the
word for it. She's mean.
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00:05:09,856 --> 00:05:12,504
She's belittling and cruel and inhumane.
125
00:05:12,529 --> 00:05:13,979
She's a bully.
126
00:05:14,210 --> 00:05:16,513
You're acting this way
because of a woman?
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Sexist.
128
00:05:18,181 --> 00:05:19,582
What happened to your balls, bro?
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00:05:19,616 --> 00:05:21,418
They never properly descended,
130
00:05:21,452 --> 00:05:22,753
but sometimes
when I'm on a bounce house,
131
00:05:22,786 --> 00:05:24,655
one of 'em kinda pops out.
132
00:05:24,688 --> 00:05:27,291
Okay, let me give you
some advice here, all right?
133
00:05:27,323 --> 00:05:30,226
Oh, I know. I know.
Don't go to a bounce house.
134
00:05:30,260 --> 00:05:31,885
It makes you look like a pedophile.
135
00:05:31,910 --> 00:05:34,098
No, ew. It's about bullying, man.
136
00:05:34,130 --> 00:05:36,332
See, you gotta stand up to your bullies.
137
00:05:36,366 --> 00:05:38,202
You gotta show 'em
that you're not scared.
138
00:05:38,234 --> 00:05:40,236
But I am scared.
139
00:05:40,269 --> 00:05:42,472
All right, dude, you gotta man up.
140
00:05:42,505 --> 00:05:44,340
You know what I mean? Just, like...
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00:05:45,754 --> 00:05:46,951
Yeah.
142
00:05:46,976 --> 00:05:48,813
Wait, you never man up to Jimmy.
143
00:05:48,846 --> 00:05:50,447
That's different. I mean...
144
00:05:50,481 --> 00:05:52,349
Nah, it's actually
exactly the same thing.
145
00:05:52,382 --> 00:05:56,153
No, Jimmy doesn't yell and...
and scold me to be mean.
146
00:05:56,185 --> 00:05:58,522
He just does it
so other people can laugh.
147
00:05:58,555 --> 00:06:00,224
Hey, I got a good idea.
148
00:06:00,257 --> 00:06:01,792
I'm gonna talk to that
supervisor for ya.
149
00:06:01,825 --> 00:06:03,394
Oh, no, you don't have to do that.
150
00:06:03,426 --> 00:06:04,861
Uh, I insist. I'm gonna show you
151
00:06:04,894 --> 00:06:06,397
how easy it is to stand up to a bully.
152
00:06:06,430 --> 00:06:07,978
What are you gonna say?
153
00:06:08,003 --> 00:06:09,732
What am I gonna say?
154
00:06:09,765 --> 00:06:11,835
I'm gonna be like, "Yo, you suck."
155
00:06:11,868 --> 00:06:14,537
"You suck."
156
00:06:14,570 --> 00:06:16,440
"You suck."
157
00:06:16,472 --> 00:06:19,209
"And if you keep picking on Phil,
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00:06:19,243 --> 00:06:20,510
you're gonna have to answer to me."
159
00:06:20,543 --> 00:06:22,546
Ooh, yes, girl!
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00:06:22,579 --> 00:06:24,180
Yeah, I'm a guy, but yeah.
161
00:06:25,649 --> 00:06:27,651
Carlo?
162
00:06:27,683 --> 00:06:29,753
Alec, hi, I just wanted
to drop off a sketch
163
00:06:29,786 --> 00:06:31,655
that Jimmy wants to do tonight.
164
00:06:31,688 --> 00:06:34,325
It's, uh, kind of a parody
of "Glengarry Glen Ross,"
165
00:06:34,358 --> 00:06:35,759
except he wants to play your part,
166
00:06:35,791 --> 00:06:37,628
so you're gonna have to play Alan Arkin.
167
00:06:37,661 --> 00:06:39,830
That Jimmy is a handful.
168
00:06:39,863 --> 00:06:42,424
Did you say handful or asshole?
169
00:06:44,233 --> 00:06:47,238
You really are delightful, Miss Cole.
170
00:06:47,270 --> 00:06:49,272
- Oh.
- Do... do you mind...
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00:06:49,305 --> 00:06:50,741
if I call you Staci?
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00:06:50,774 --> 00:06:53,543
Oh, my God, it would be a pleasure.
173
00:06:53,577 --> 00:06:56,514
I want you to know that I
really do cherish, Staci,
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00:06:56,546 --> 00:06:58,515
the time that we spend together
175
00:06:58,548 --> 00:07:00,618
whenever I do "Nightcap."
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00:07:00,651 --> 00:07:02,353
- You do?
- Yeah.
177
00:07:02,385 --> 00:07:05,421
You're very, very interesting.
178
00:07:05,455 --> 00:07:08,425
Tell me something about you
that I don't know.
179
00:07:08,457 --> 00:07:09,726
- About me?
- Yeah.
180
00:07:09,760 --> 00:07:12,495
- Um, I hate cilantro.
- Me too.
181
00:07:12,529 --> 00:07:14,531
It smells like balls.
182
00:07:14,565 --> 00:07:16,834
Oh, I've never smelled balls.
To me, it smells like soap.
183
00:07:16,866 --> 00:07:19,469
Soap that you rub on your balls, right?
184
00:07:19,503 --> 00:07:20,637
Yeah, something else. Tell me.
185
00:07:20,671 --> 00:07:22,606
Um, okay, well, I...
186
00:07:22,639 --> 00:07:24,408
I'm really trying to have
a life outside of "Nightcap,"
187
00:07:24,440 --> 00:07:28,378
and I'm thinking about
writing a series of novellas
188
00:07:28,411 --> 00:07:30,447
about European river cruises.
189
00:07:30,479 --> 00:07:32,415
- Write what you know.
- Well, I've never been on one.
190
00:07:32,448 --> 00:07:36,519
Or use your imagination.
That is brilliant, Staci.
191
00:07:36,553 --> 00:07:38,522
You are like a ray of sunshine
192
00:07:38,555 --> 00:07:41,959
in an otherwise cloudy day.
193
00:07:41,991 --> 00:07:44,761
- Me, sunshine?
- Yes.
194
00:07:44,794 --> 00:07:46,563
- You.
- Oh.
195
00:07:46,596 --> 00:07:50,200
- Your smile, your laugh...
- Oh,
196
00:07:50,233 --> 00:07:52,936
- Your essence. Your essence.
- Oh.
197
00:07:52,969 --> 00:07:57,774
You exude a sexuality that is...
198
00:07:57,808 --> 00:07:59,243
very appealing.
199
00:08:01,118 --> 00:08:02,332
- I do?
- Mm-hmm.
200
00:08:02,357 --> 00:08:03,981
I've gotta go back to my dressing room
201
00:08:04,014 --> 00:08:05,466
- and talk to Hilaria.
- Mm-hmm.
202
00:08:05,491 --> 00:08:07,818
But I hope we'll be able to
finish our conversation,
203
00:08:07,851 --> 00:08:10,721
because there is so much more
I'd like to, uh,
204
00:08:10,753 --> 00:08:12,522
get into with you.
205
00:08:12,555 --> 00:08:14,457
Okay.
206
00:08:22,399 --> 00:08:25,336
See, I like to organize our
guests by astrological sign.
207
00:08:25,368 --> 00:08:26,937
Kathy Griffin is a Scorpio,
208
00:08:26,970 --> 00:08:28,914
which is why we never
book her on the show.
209
00:08:28,939 --> 00:08:32,081
Um, Penny, I need
to speak to you privately.
210
00:08:32,409 --> 00:08:33,843
Staci, I don't think I need to tell you
211
00:08:33,876 --> 00:08:35,447
how unprofessional you're being.
212
00:08:35,472 --> 00:08:36,989
Being exclusionary in the workplace
213
00:08:37,014 --> 00:08:38,669
only breeds resentment.
214
00:08:38,694 --> 00:08:41,031
You're right, Davis. I'm sorry.
215
00:08:41,056 --> 00:08:43,191
So what's so important?
216
00:08:43,216 --> 00:08:46,221
I have a fever.
217
00:08:46,246 --> 00:08:48,448
Hepatitis.
218
00:08:48,473 --> 00:08:51,203
Okay, I'm gonna give you the room.
219
00:08:51,228 --> 00:08:54,565
Staci, I'm so sorry about
your fever and hepatitis.
220
00:08:54,598 --> 00:08:56,560
It's fine. I just wanted
to get Davis out of here.
221
00:08:56,585 --> 00:08:59,202
Oh, no, you are a little warm.
222
00:08:59,235 --> 00:09:02,405
Penny, listen to me.
I think Alec Baldwin wants me.
223
00:09:02,439 --> 00:09:04,474
Wants you? Wh-what do you mean?
224
00:09:04,508 --> 00:09:08,179
Alec Baldwin wants to do me.
225
00:09:08,211 --> 00:09:11,114
Really? Um, what makes you think that?
226
00:09:11,147 --> 00:09:13,584
Um, 'cause he was all flirting with me.
227
00:09:13,617 --> 00:09:16,745
He was like, "I like your sensuality,"
228
00:09:16,770 --> 00:09:18,554
and I was like, "Oh, come on."
229
00:09:18,579 --> 00:09:22,660
And then he was like,
"I wanna go deep into you."
230
00:09:22,692 --> 00:09:26,626
Well... you do exude a sensuality.
231
00:09:26,651 --> 00:09:28,301
- I do?
- I mean, don't you?
232
00:09:28,326 --> 00:09:30,804
I do. I don't know what to do.
233
00:09:30,829 --> 00:09:32,609
Well, the heart wants what it wants.
234
00:09:32,634 --> 00:09:35,271
I know, but it's not just
the heart that wants it.
235
00:09:35,305 --> 00:09:39,109
It's also...
236
00:09:39,143 --> 00:09:41,545
I think I know what
you're talking about,
237
00:09:41,577 --> 00:09:44,247
- but you could elaborate.
- Okay, here's the thing, okay?
238
00:09:44,281 --> 00:09:46,217
He's married,
239
00:09:46,249 --> 00:09:47,684
but I think we're meant to be, you know?
240
00:09:47,718 --> 00:09:49,687
He's with a much younger wife.
241
00:09:49,719 --> 00:09:51,504
I mean, come on, what
do they do all day?
242
00:09:51,529 --> 00:09:54,322
Exercise and eat sushi
and have tons of sex?
243
00:09:54,347 --> 00:09:55,433
Ooh!
244
00:09:55,458 --> 00:09:57,193
That sounds a little fun.
245
00:09:57,226 --> 00:10:01,264
Uh, yeah, for, like, 5, 20, 50 years.
246
00:10:01,297 --> 00:10:03,500
But wait, don't they have kids?
247
00:10:03,533 --> 00:10:07,638
- He has so many.
- Well, then, Staci, it's wrong.
248
00:10:07,671 --> 00:10:09,073
It's wrong.
249
00:10:09,105 --> 00:10:11,674
- So very wrong.
- So very wrong.
250
00:10:11,708 --> 00:10:14,211
Thank you, Penny.
You've been so helpful.
251
00:10:19,649 --> 00:10:22,085
Perhaps if we just had sex once.
252
00:10:22,118 --> 00:10:24,388
- No.
- Excellent point.
253
00:10:24,421 --> 00:10:26,223
Thank you.
254
00:10:29,826 --> 00:10:31,796
But he smells like a
throbbing wet saddle.
255
00:10:31,829 --> 00:10:34,065
- No.
- Damn it.
256
00:10:40,037 --> 00:10:41,038
You know what?
257
00:10:41,071 --> 00:10:42,773
I'm feeling good about this, Todd.
258
00:10:42,807 --> 00:10:44,642
I'm glad you're gonna talk to Marlene.
259
00:10:44,674 --> 00:10:46,009
- Yeah.
- I'd be even okay
260
00:10:46,043 --> 00:10:47,879
if you got a little physical.
261
00:10:47,912 --> 00:10:50,682
Oh, dude, I know
what you're saying, okay?
262
00:10:50,715 --> 00:10:52,050
I'm not gonna give her any noogies
263
00:10:52,082 --> 00:10:54,151
or, uh, wet willies or swirlies
264
00:10:54,185 --> 00:10:56,020
or birlies or any of that stuff.
265
00:10:56,052 --> 00:10:57,889
What's a birly?
266
00:10:57,922 --> 00:10:59,923
It's when you take her arm
and throw her into a bear.
267
00:10:59,956 --> 00:11:01,759
But I'm not gonna do that, man.
268
00:11:01,792 --> 00:11:04,262
I'm just gonna, like, use
words, Phil, you know?
269
00:11:04,294 --> 00:11:06,930
Hey, funny thing about words
is, sometimes they hurt more
270
00:11:06,964 --> 00:11:08,700
than the worst noogie in the world.
271
00:11:18,042 --> 00:11:20,110
Hello, Phil.
272
00:11:20,143 --> 00:11:21,578
Hello, Marlene.
273
00:11:21,611 --> 00:11:24,648
Uh... uh, this is Todd,
274
00:11:24,682 --> 00:11:27,685
and he's gonna have some words with you.
275
00:11:27,717 --> 00:11:29,887
About what?
276
00:11:30,988 --> 00:11:33,725
- Hello.
- Hi...
277
00:11:33,758 --> 00:11:35,227
Hello!
278
00:11:36,994 --> 00:11:39,230
Is this dick for brains
even able to talk?
279
00:11:39,263 --> 00:11:41,065
I'm Todd.
280
00:11:41,097 --> 00:11:42,900
Wow, fascinating.
281
00:11:42,933 --> 00:11:45,269
What a personality.
282
00:11:45,302 --> 00:11:47,079
You listen to me, you
fucking human turd...
283
00:11:47,104 --> 00:11:48,897
- Oh.
- Do you think I wanna come down here
284
00:11:48,922 --> 00:11:50,658
and have to look at your stupid face?
285
00:11:50,683 --> 00:11:52,385
I won't be able to eat
for a week thinking about it,
286
00:11:52,410 --> 00:11:56,560
with your giant douchey
gums and your sweaty lips.
287
00:11:57,248 --> 00:11:59,651
This is when you really lay into her.
288
00:11:59,683 --> 00:12:03,086
Well, I think he's wearing Chap Stick.
289
00:12:03,119 --> 00:12:05,255
Was I talking to you?
290
00:12:05,288 --> 00:12:08,225
How about I punch you so
hard, your vagina bleeds?
291
00:12:08,259 --> 00:12:09,465
- Oh!
- What? Yeah.
292
00:12:09,490 --> 00:12:11,269
- I don't have a...
- You want that?
293
00:12:11,294 --> 00:12:13,030
You want a piece of me? What? Bring it!
294
00:12:13,063 --> 00:12:14,259
I didn't think so.
295
00:12:15,857 --> 00:12:17,625
I'm gonna start writing a report on you.
296
00:12:17,650 --> 00:12:19,520
Meet me here at 5:00,
and bring some tissues,
297
00:12:19,545 --> 00:12:20,967
'cause I have a feeling when we're done,
298
00:12:20,992 --> 00:12:24,047
you're gonna be crying like the
big lanky pussy that you are.
299
00:12:28,812 --> 00:12:30,581
Yeah, the rocking's nice,
300
00:12:30,606 --> 00:12:33,573
but we should probably score
some heroin pretty soon.
301
00:12:36,334 --> 00:12:38,170
So did you make her feel special?
302
00:12:38,195 --> 00:12:40,364
I think so, but I couldn't tell.
303
00:12:40,458 --> 00:12:42,694
She just stood there with
this stupid look on her face.
304
00:12:42,726 --> 00:12:44,962
- Alec, she has cancer.
- I know.
305
00:12:44,995 --> 00:12:48,265
She's probably suffering from
chronic pain, the poor thing.
306
00:12:48,298 --> 00:12:50,334
Maybe I can help her.
307
00:12:50,368 --> 00:12:53,086
You are an incredible person.
308
00:12:53,111 --> 00:12:54,839
I am such a lucky man.
309
00:12:54,872 --> 00:12:57,776
Looks, talent...
310
00:12:57,809 --> 00:12:59,311
and I have you.
311
00:13:01,912 --> 00:13:04,481
Oh, Hilaria, hi.
312
00:13:04,514 --> 00:13:06,069
Hi.
313
00:13:06,125 --> 00:13:08,095
- Staci, what's up?
- Well, I'll...
314
00:13:08,120 --> 00:13:10,379
I'll let you guys... I-I
had the wrong door.
315
00:13:10,404 --> 00:13:12,073
I'm sorry. I'm gonna go.
316
00:13:12,098 --> 00:13:14,434
No, no, come on in. Come, sit.
317
00:13:14,725 --> 00:13:16,628
Yeah.
318
00:13:16,661 --> 00:13:18,363
Join us.
319
00:13:23,434 --> 00:13:24,903
Hilaria and I were talking,
320
00:13:24,936 --> 00:13:27,272
and she had a wonderful idea.
321
00:13:27,305 --> 00:13:31,443
Why don't you let her
stretch you out a little bit?
322
00:13:31,475 --> 00:13:32,710
- Yeah.
- Stretch me out?
323
00:13:32,743 --> 00:13:33,979
- Yeah.
- Don't worry.
324
00:13:34,012 --> 00:13:35,780
She knows her way around the body.
325
00:13:35,812 --> 00:13:38,482
But let her...
326
00:13:38,516 --> 00:13:40,919
get in there and just open you up.
327
00:13:40,951 --> 00:13:45,389
I mean, really open you up.
328
00:13:45,422 --> 00:13:47,359
It's gonna be great.
329
00:13:47,392 --> 00:13:48,926
So, now, I gotta run.
330
00:13:48,960 --> 00:13:50,862
And you two gorgeous creatures
have some fun, okay?
331
00:13:50,894 --> 00:13:55,032
And, baby, don't be afraid
to go really, really deep.
332
00:13:55,066 --> 00:13:56,835
Si, mi amor.
333
00:14:01,806 --> 00:14:04,408
Oh, Jesus.
334
00:14:05,542 --> 00:14:06,724
- So come.
- Oh, oh.
335
00:14:06,749 --> 00:14:08,280
Come, lay down. Come on the mat.
336
00:14:08,305 --> 00:14:09,669
- Oh, we're gonna do this now?
- Yeah.
337
00:14:09,694 --> 00:14:11,049
Okay.
338
00:14:11,081 --> 00:14:12,049
- Oh, my goodness.
- Really great.
339
00:14:12,083 --> 00:14:13,652
Oh, so good.
340
00:14:13,685 --> 00:14:15,020
I haven't done this since camp.
341
00:14:15,052 --> 00:14:16,553
I'm sure you're gonna be great.
342
00:14:16,586 --> 00:14:17,921
- Okay.
- It all comes back.
343
00:14:17,955 --> 00:14:20,691
Inhale...
344
00:14:20,724 --> 00:14:22,027
And exhale out.
345
00:14:22,060 --> 00:14:23,895
- Oh, that tingles.
- So good.
346
00:14:23,927 --> 00:14:25,577
- All right, now come sit back.
- Okay.
347
00:14:25,602 --> 00:14:27,104
All the way back. Really good.
348
00:14:27,129 --> 00:14:28,498
Now we're just doing Savasana,
349
00:14:28,523 --> 00:14:30,818
so relax your shoulders, palms faceup.
350
00:14:30,843 --> 00:14:31,967
Nice work.
351
00:14:31,992 --> 00:14:33,231
Now I'm gonna press on to your hips.
352
00:14:33,256 --> 00:14:34,924
Okay. Oh, my goodness.
353
00:14:34,949 --> 00:14:36,096
- Really good.
- Okay.
354
00:14:36,121 --> 00:14:37,983
Breathe into it. Breathe... inhale.
355
00:14:38,008 --> 00:14:39,610
Oh! Oh!
356
00:14:39,643 --> 00:14:41,812
Good work. Exhale.
357
00:14:41,845 --> 00:14:43,459
Good. Inhale.
358
00:14:43,484 --> 00:14:44,585
Oh!
359
00:14:47,373 --> 00:14:49,204
Are those baby carrots?
360
00:14:49,229 --> 00:14:51,029
- They're for the guests.
- You may have grown-up carrots.
361
00:14:51,054 --> 00:14:52,723
Penny, Penny, Penny, Penny, Penny,
362
00:14:52,748 --> 00:14:54,045
I gotta talk to you.
363
00:14:59,075 --> 00:15:03,046
Listen, Alec Baldwin does not
wanna have an affair with me.
364
00:15:03,247 --> 00:15:06,184
- He doesn't?
- No.
365
00:15:06,209 --> 00:15:08,512
They want a threesome.
366
00:15:08,537 --> 00:15:10,105
But...
367
00:15:15,751 --> 00:15:18,988
I'm telling you, the Baldwins
wanna have a m?nage ? trois.
368
00:15:19,013 --> 00:15:20,848
Um...
369
00:15:21,175 --> 00:15:23,011
- congratulations.
- Yes.
370
00:15:23,036 --> 00:15:24,171
Hey, guys, what's up?
371
00:15:24,196 --> 00:15:25,214
- Hey, Oz.
- Nothing.
372
00:15:25,239 --> 00:15:27,659
Nothing, except Alec and Hilaria Baldwin
373
00:15:27,983 --> 00:15:30,452
wanna have a threesome avec moi.
374
00:15:30,994 --> 00:15:33,348
- Makes complete sense.
- It does?
375
00:15:33,373 --> 00:15:35,175
Well, yeah, she's
completely nonthreatening.
376
00:15:35,599 --> 00:15:37,089
I mean, Alec has everything.
377
00:15:37,114 --> 00:15:39,503
Hilaria's like a choice
cut of filet mignon,
378
00:15:39,537 --> 00:15:42,006
and... you're like a hamburger.
379
00:15:43,187 --> 00:15:44,923
A Kobe beef hamburger?
380
00:15:44,948 --> 00:15:47,117
No, the... the kind they
have at... at Burger King,
381
00:15:47,528 --> 00:15:49,297
where maybe it's been
under the heat lamp too long.
382
00:15:49,322 --> 00:15:51,074
It's gotten a little dry and brittle,
383
00:15:51,099 --> 00:15:53,402
and you're worried about getting
food poisoning if you eat it.
384
00:15:53,427 --> 00:15:55,863
That... that kind.
385
00:15:55,888 --> 00:15:58,046
Okay, well, uh, the point is,
386
00:15:58,071 --> 00:16:01,509
somebody wants to order
off the dollar menu.
387
00:16:01,534 --> 00:16:03,970
I-I think your being with them
388
00:16:03,995 --> 00:16:06,305
will make 'em appreciate the
perfection of their bodies
389
00:16:06,330 --> 00:16:08,801
- that much more.
- Exactly!
390
00:16:08,826 --> 00:16:11,229
Mama's gonna go lube up.
391
00:16:15,515 --> 00:16:18,385
Well, um, at her age,
lubrication is essential.
392
00:16:31,790 --> 00:16:33,525
Why do you need to sanitize your hands
393
00:16:33,558 --> 00:16:35,360
if you're using a spoon?
394
00:16:35,392 --> 00:16:38,229
I don't like to get sick.
Kills productivity.
395
00:16:38,262 --> 00:16:41,365
There's a lot of people here,
a lot of germs flying around.
396
00:16:46,245 --> 00:16:48,347
Hey, Phil, what's up?
397
00:16:48,372 --> 00:16:51,076
Well, since you asked,
I do need a favor.
398
00:16:51,101 --> 00:16:53,303
- Okay.
- My Boss is here,
399
00:16:53,328 --> 00:16:55,715
and she's gonna write
a bad report about me.
400
00:16:55,740 --> 00:16:57,961
Will you talk to her and
smooth things over?
401
00:16:57,986 --> 00:16:59,952
Todd said she's a bitch on wheels...
402
00:17:01,685 --> 00:17:04,455
Literally.
403
00:17:04,489 --> 00:17:06,268
Smoothing things over is what I do.
404
00:17:06,293 --> 00:17:07,961
I'd be happy to, Phil.
405
00:17:07,986 --> 00:17:09,922
Oh, thank you so much, David.
406
00:17:09,947 --> 00:17:13,118
And if you ever need anything,
you got it.
407
00:17:13,143 --> 00:17:15,380
My name is Davis.
408
00:17:15,599 --> 00:17:18,469
Okay, great, Davis.
409
00:17:18,502 --> 00:17:21,932
You talk to my Boss, and I'll
call you by your real name.
410
00:17:34,180 --> 00:17:36,457
Oh, hey, hey, you guys.
411
00:17:36,482 --> 00:17:37,849
Staci, what's going on?
412
00:17:37,874 --> 00:17:40,177
I know what you want,
413
00:17:40,637 --> 00:17:42,239
and I'm in.
414
00:17:44,735 --> 00:17:46,236
What do we want?
415
00:17:46,354 --> 00:17:47,856
You know.
416
00:17:51,802 --> 00:17:53,405
Um...
417
00:17:55,772 --> 00:17:58,243
I don't know what that is.
418
00:17:58,275 --> 00:18:00,344
Are we playing charades maybe?
419
00:18:00,377 --> 00:18:02,646
Um, don't you guys want a three-way?
420
00:18:02,679 --> 00:18:04,939
- Oh, God, no!
- No, no.
421
00:18:04,964 --> 00:18:07,593
I mean, good Lord, I've
got filet mignon here.
422
00:18:07,618 --> 00:18:09,281
Why would I want White Castle?
423
00:18:09,306 --> 00:18:11,806
Well, I like to think of
myself as Burger King.
424
00:18:11,831 --> 00:18:13,966
No, no, you're White Castle.
425
00:18:14,458 --> 00:18:16,527
Well, why have you been
so nice to me all day?
426
00:18:16,560 --> 00:18:18,530
- Because we felt bad for you.
- Because you have cancer.
427
00:18:18,562 --> 00:18:20,464
- I don't have cancer.
- You lied about having cancer?
428
00:18:20,498 --> 00:18:24,503
- Shame on you.
- I just had a mole scraped off!
429
00:18:24,535 --> 00:18:27,839
But if... but if I did have cancer,
430
00:18:27,871 --> 00:18:30,541
do you... do you think we might get it on?
431
00:18:30,575 --> 00:18:32,777
Call an Uber, honey.
432
00:18:32,810 --> 00:18:36,481
You were great on the show!
Don't forget your gift bag!
433
00:18:36,513 --> 00:18:38,916
Uh, excuse me.
434
00:18:38,950 --> 00:18:40,919
- Hold on a second.
- What?
435
00:18:40,952 --> 00:18:43,255
I wanted to grab your ear
for a second, talk about Phil.
436
00:18:43,288 --> 00:18:44,890
What are you gonna tell me about him?
437
00:18:44,923 --> 00:18:47,291
That he's a piece of shit
or that he's a piece of crap?
438
00:18:47,325 --> 00:18:49,294
That's kinda the same thing.
439
00:18:49,327 --> 00:18:51,429
Okay, get on with it.
440
00:18:51,462 --> 00:18:52,731
Here's the thing.
441
00:18:52,763 --> 00:18:55,666
I know Phil is a bit quirky,
442
00:18:55,700 --> 00:18:58,170
and God knows I've had
my problems with him
443
00:18:58,203 --> 00:19:00,238
handling the security
here at "Nightcap."
444
00:19:00,271 --> 00:19:01,772
But let me tell you something.
445
00:19:01,806 --> 00:19:03,909
I've worked on
literally dozens of shows,
446
00:19:03,942 --> 00:19:06,310
and I've never, not once ever,
447
00:19:06,344 --> 00:19:10,615
met a man who cares more
about security than Phil.
448
00:19:10,647 --> 00:19:12,349
That is the biggest crock of shit
449
00:19:12,383 --> 00:19:13,618
that anybody's ever said.
450
00:19:13,650 --> 00:19:14,752
- No, but it's...
- But nothing.
451
00:19:14,785 --> 00:19:17,621
I...
452
00:19:19,490 --> 00:19:20,959
Mm...
453
00:19:20,992 --> 00:19:23,861
- Oh, my God.
- Um...
454
00:19:23,895 --> 00:19:26,498
Oh, God.
455
00:19:26,531 --> 00:19:28,332
What is wrong with you?
456
00:19:28,366 --> 00:19:30,368
That was disgusting.
457
00:19:30,400 --> 00:19:33,938
- You're disgusting!
- Oh, my God, Davis.
458
00:19:33,972 --> 00:19:36,473
What the hell is going on? Shame on you!
459
00:19:36,506 --> 00:19:37,942
Uh, no, she sneezed on me.
460
00:19:37,975 --> 00:19:41,812
Yes, yes, women sneeze, okay?
461
00:19:41,846 --> 00:19:43,682
And... and we also vote,
462
00:19:43,714 --> 00:19:46,350
and we also misunderstood sexual cues
463
00:19:46,384 --> 00:19:48,853
given to us from big,
powerful Hollywood couples.
464
00:19:48,886 --> 00:19:50,754
Okay, I'm pretty sure
this isn't about me anymore.
465
00:19:50,788 --> 00:19:52,591
But let me tell you something, Davis.
466
00:19:52,624 --> 00:19:55,260
When a woman puts
her lady parts in your face,
467
00:19:55,292 --> 00:19:57,795
you're going to assume
that she means business.
468
00:19:57,829 --> 00:19:59,798
And maybe... maybe they don't
wanna have a threesome, okay?
469
00:19:59,830 --> 00:20:01,366
Maybe it threatens their marriage.
470
00:20:01,398 --> 00:20:02,733
But that's them.
471
00:20:02,766 --> 00:20:04,535
They're the ones that had cold feet.
472
00:20:04,569 --> 00:20:06,471
It has nothing to do
with me not having cancer.
473
00:20:06,503 --> 00:20:09,006
I am vibrant. I am lubricated.
474
00:20:09,040 --> 00:20:11,509
I am a Big Mac...
475
00:20:11,541 --> 00:20:14,378
Or at the very least, a Whopper Jr.
476
00:20:15,546 --> 00:20:18,250
Okay, I was wrong about Phil.
477
00:20:18,282 --> 00:20:20,718
You two are the ones that are fucked up.
478
00:20:20,752 --> 00:20:22,387
Move.
479
00:20:26,823 --> 00:20:29,727
I forgot my bag.
480
00:20:30,198 --> 00:20:36,641
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