All language subtitles for Mad About You s03e03 Till Death Do Us Part.eng

Ah, looks like rain.

(THUNDER CLAPPING)

(WHINING)

Also looks
very much like thunder.

Hey, hey, don't be scared.

Thunder can't hurt you.

Thunder's just--just clouds
bumping into each other.

Thunder is when
a large volume of moist air

expands when it cools
and rises.

Who told you that?

My Natural Science
professor at Yale.

No, thunder is clouds
bumping into each other.

Where'd you get that?

My parents.

(THUNDER CRASHING)

Why would they
lie to me about thunder?

* Tell me why
I love you like I do

* Tell me who
can stop my heart as much as you

* Let's take
each other's hand

* As we jump into
the final frontier

* I'm mad about you, baby

* Yeah!

Oh, Mrs. Buchman,
you're trying to seduce me.

I want to find the guy
who invented pantyhose

and beat an apology
out of him.

You know what? My guess is,
he's not a very tough guy.

Do I look okay?

You look really sexy.

We're going to a funeral.
I don't want to look sexy.

No, I'm saying sexy
but, like, in a sad way.

Oh, what did I do here?

Let's see. Cold water.

Yikes.

Murray, you see
how lucky you are?

You never have to
wear pantyhose your whole life.

Ow!
What'd you do?

I hate speaking
in public.

You'll be fine. Listen,
the whole trick is

you just... You got to know
what you're going to say.

I just want to say
how much I love him and how much he loves me.

All right. So that's all
you gotta say.

Okay, don't worry
I'm gonna get it together.

I'm not gonna pull
an Aunt Rachel. I promise.

Who are you
talking to? Uncle Van.

(PANTYHOSE RIPPING)

No.
What?

Oh, no.
What'd you do?

Oh, fine! Fine!
You want to play like that?

That's just fine!

That's how we'll play.
'Cause you know something?

You try my patience,
you really, really do,

you flimsy discount
piece of crap!

I got to tell you,
I'm surprisingly aroused by that.

You know, Uncle Van was
crazy about you

from the minute
he met you.

Hey, of course Uncle Van
was crazy about me.

He needed
a partner in crime.

You know, without me,
he never could have gotten those golf balls

in your mother's turkey.

That was like a classic
Van moment.

JAMIE: I wish you would
tell that story.

All right. It was
Thanksgiving, we're sitting around the table...

Not here. At the service.

Oh, forget it. I hate
speaking in public.

I thought the key is
to know what you're gonna say.

Oh, no, no, no.
That's just for you.

Come on,
he would love it.

Who?
Van.

Hey, Van is gone,

and I ain't
taking the rap for that turkey myself.

(DOORBELL BUZZING
REPEATEDLY)

Oh, finally.

Oh, good. Your sister now
buzzes in Morse code.

(SCOFFS)
That's what you guys are wearing?

Are you kidding me?

He loved plaid.

You're right. I'm sorry.
It's absolutely perfect. Let's go.

All right, Murray,
we're gonna be back later.

We're gonna go visit
Uncle Van.

Remember Uncle Van,
he used to throw you the tennis ball

till you couldn't stand up?

Yeah, well, no more
playing catch with Uncle Van.

Why would you
tell him that?

Because it's the truth.

So what's to be gained?
Either he doesn't understand you,

or he does,
and now he's sad.

You really give him
too much credit.

I guess, what I'm
trying to say is I really love Uncle Van

and I know Uncle Van
really loves me.

He really does.

And I really do, too.

I guess the reason
I love him so much

is because I know
how much he loves me.

How much we love him.

All of us.

But especially me.

I really love Uncle Van.

A lot.

And I know
he really loves me. Okay, okay.

I think you
covered that.

Would you please tell
the turkey story?

Um...

I think we all know
that Jamie had a fondness for Uncle Van.

And as she suggested
in her little story,

he had a fondness
for her as well.

Okay.

Um...

Van--Van was--was great.

He was-- He was a warm soul,

a--a big heart.

He was just so sweet.

I used to tell Jamie

it was like he was
from another family.

Sorry.

No, I mean, you're...
This is a wonderful family. But I...

Van was truly, and I said it,
the only person

I could have
a conversation with.

I really love
Uncle Van.

You alienated
my entire family.

Well, it had to be done.

You know, why--why did you
take your Uncle Van?

Why did you take
the pate?

I like pate.
I like Uncle Van.

And I understand
he likes you, but still.

I wanna make sure
his ashes wind up in the right place.

I guarantee you
it ain't there.

It's only for a day
or two till I decide where he belongs.

South Dakota.

South Dakota?
Yeah.

Why would we
spread his ashes in South Dakota?

Because he had
that Desoto. Huh?

Okay, Lise,

come here, I just wanna
explain something to you.

All right,
South Dakota,

Desoto,

no connection.

There's a similar sound
and yet there's nothing there.

Fine. You think
of something.

How do they get
a whole guy in here?

(STUTTERING)
What are you doing?

They put a 230-pound man
in a thermos.

You're not even curious?
No!

Have some respect.

You--You could be curious
with respect.

(EXCLAIMS)
Oh, it's Sunday.

I bet he's somewhere
playing golf.

Well, I don't really think
that's true.

You think when
someone dies, that's it, their life just stops?

I certainly think
it hinders their golf swing.

'Cause you know,
a lot of it's in the legs, you know,

and if you're dead...
Standing? A little tough.

You're very naive.

I'm naive? I'm naive

and yet you have
a dead uncle with a tee-off time. All right.

(MURRAY BARKS)

All right, but
don't tell anybody.

There you go.

Get your elbows
off the table.

PAUL: Baby.
In here.

Hi.
Hey, how'd it go?

It went good.

There's that dog of mine.
I know what you want.

Don't feed him
up there. All right.

What happened?
I thought we were having hamburgers.

This is hamburgers.

I know,
but they're so wide.

I had my heart set on,
like, a regulation.

It's Salisbury steak.
Grab some silverware.

What made you go fancy?

It's the same
as hamburgers.

Actually, only in Salisbury
is that the same.

Reminds me of Uncle Van,
he used to love it.

Uncle van loved
the Salisbury steak.

You know, it's-- it's
really... It's so typical. What?

Your relatives, they come
for, like, one night and they stay a week.

Only until I can
find someplace where he'll be happy.

May I make a suggestion?
How about not here?

It's a lovely area,
and it's easy to find.

Do you remember when he
took us on the Circle Line up the Hudson?

Hey, that was fun.

Hey, how about that?

We take a boat
up the Hudson,

we scatter his ashes
into the river?

No, it's so filthy.
It's polluted.

Sweetie, with
all due respect,

he's ashes,
you know what I mean?

Ashes don't really
mind filth.

In fact, technically
they are filth.

You know, the whole
ashes to ashes, dust to dust thing.

Yeah, well, he's still
not going in the Hudson. All right.

Well, he loved-- he loved
the city, right?

What if we
scatter his ashes just into the wind

and then he'll settle
in whatever neighborhood he enjoys.

I wanna find
the perfect place.

I don't really think
he's gonna be that picky.

You really believe
when someone dies, it's all over?

I really do. You know what,
do we have a bun?

How can you think that?

I think that because...

Listen, I question
the little things, but the big things,

you know,
like thunder and death,

I do what I'm told.

So when we die, that's it?
It's-- It's over?

We're just no longer
a couple?

We're certainly not
a fun couple.

Know what I think?
Still not right.

Why can't you just eat
like a grownup?

See, this is why
they came up with death.

To give nice people like
you and me a little break from each other.

I don't want
a break from you.

You know what I think?
What?

I think,
you can't get hamburger from Salisbury steak.

It's just too late
in the game.

'Cause everywhere you look,
uncooked edge.

Do you not want
to be together forever?

No, I do, absolutely.
So?

So...

Ketchup. Ketchup would
be the thing,

'cause ketchup,
if I may say, would suggest to this,

in its heart,
that it's a burger. It could be a burger.

Hey, Uncle Van,
no kidding, I've asked you once already.

You know, forever
doesn't mean till you die.

Forever means forever.

Do you remember that play
we saw on Jane Street?

(EXCLAIMS)
The two women in the garage? That was the whole point.

Can't get out of it
that easy.

Would tomato help?
Yeah, tomato would be good.

What are you doing?
Huh? Nothing.

Did you open that?
No.

Just moving it over here,
though. Just leave it here. Why?

Because, to be honest
with you, I'm uneasy

dining with a dead guy
on the table.

Where's the cheese?

What cheese?

Did you not offer
to bring me cheese?

Cheese for the man
who calls my uncle "The dead guy". My pleasure.

Thank you.

Hey, didn't Uncle Van
used to take you and Lisa to the track?

Yeah, all the time.

I remember, one time
he took you down to the winner's circle, right?

That's right.
I can't believe you remember that.

Yeah, I remember, 'cause you
told me Lisa had this crazy blue dress on or something.

I told you that?
Yeah. I pay attention.

That little sweater
with Dalmatians you were wearing?

That's amazing.

A little barrette
you had...

What the hell's
behind your back? Okay.

I knew it. I pushed it
with the barrette,

that was my big mistake,
right there. Look at him.

He loved
the racetrack.

He'd always be yelling,
"Tell me it's true, baby!

"Tell me it's true!"

Again, a little aroused.

Look at that.
That's the happiest I've ever seen him, right there.

Looks very happy.

Hey! That's a thought.

We take his ashes,
we scatter them in the winner's circle.

That's perfect.
Oh, the winner's circle, that's perfect.

Yeah.
Who thought of it? Me.

Okay, call Ira.
Why am I calling Ira?

Because they don't just
let people into the winner's circle,

you have to know someone
who owns the horse that wins.

Yeah, so?
So Ira's at the track all the time.

Maybe he knows owners.

(MURRAY BARKING)
Aha! Aha, aha.

What?
Look at Murray.

I'm looking.
I don't see "aha".

So if there's no such thing
as forever,

why did Murray
bring the ball to Uncle Van?

'Cause he's a dog.

Last week he brought
my socks to the toaster. He don't care.

He just brings things...

Sweetie, do you know why
he's doing that?

He's doing that
'cause he smells...

No, you're right. Aha!

You definitely
know this guy? Yeah.

And he owns the horse?
Yeah.

So how do you know him?

Paulie, from the track.
I can't talk about this right now.

So just give me
the guy's name. Why can't this wait?

'Cause I got a guy
in my living room.

What guy?
Jamie's uncle.

In the urn?
In the urn.

(CHUCKLING)

When are you going
to the track next?

I'm not.

So fine. Give me
the guy's number, I'll call him.

And say what? Next time
one of your horses wins,

I'd like to bury
my wife's uncle's ashes

in the winner's circle?
What's wrong with that?

It's never gonna happen,
my friend.

Where are they
running now, Aqueduct?

Everyone, let's get started.

Belmont.

All right.

Ira.

Hi. Uh, I'm Ira,
and I'm a compulsive gambler.

Hi, Ira.

I thought that's
what you do here.

I've got Racing Form,
Racing Digest.

I've got Green Sheet,
Yellow Sheet, Red Sheet.

Everybody's got an opinion.

"Duke says,
Ed picks 'em,

"and Bill knows."

I can't believe your sister
paid admission for your uncle.

Meanwhile, where did she go?

Maybe your uncle
wanted a beer.

I kid you.

So what, this Paulie guy,
he's a big horse guy?

Oh, yeah,
he's the biggest.

'Cause I don't let
just anyone in my box.

Hey, Maurice,
would I bring a guy to your box

who can't sit with you?
He can sit with me?

Sure. He can sit with you.

She's already
disappeared.

I like
Valenzuela's horse.

I told Tommy.

What's that?
I told Tommy.

You told Tommy?
Go ask him.

We believe you.

How do I know this guy?
Why do you talk to these people?

He talked to me first.

All righty,
all righty, all righty. Who wants programs?

Programs. Is that different
than what I got here?

No, Paulie, you gotta
have a program.

Give me the program.
I remember these.

Yeah, so do I.

Where's your guy
who owns the horse?

It's Maurice.
Maurice.

Yeah. He's gonna be here
any minute.

He'll get us into
the winner's circle? If his horse wins.

Do you think it'll win?

If I knew that,
I'd be too happy to live.

You know, that three horse
will never take the trip.

Did you tell Tommy?

Right now.

Who is Tommy?

I don't know.

Man, I love this place.

Are you sure
you should be here? Oh, yeah, yeah, I'm fine.

You're not gonna be tempted?

Paulie, there's more
to do at the track than bet on the horses.

There's the fresh air,
there's the excitement, the people.

They got delicious food.

And they got ducks
in the infield.

Give me your wallet.
No, no, no.

Give me your wallet.
It's okay, I'm cured.

You're not cured.
I'm not gonna bet. I swear.

For how much?
Ten bucks.

Now, is it me,

or is the air pressure
in here unusually low?

Where did you go?

Oh, look.

Wow, a Secretariat
barometer.

Really needed it.

(TRUMPET BLOWING)

Hear that, Uncle Van?

ANNOUNCER: The horses
for today's first race are on the track.

Ira.
Maurice.

What do you think?
Hey, I want you to meet my cousin Paulie.

I hear you know
a few things. Oh, a few.

This is his wife
Jamie and Lisa.

My pleasure.
They're both good.

Yeah.
So, uh, who we rooting for today?

First race,
I own the six horse.

Six horse? Six horse.

The name would be

"About To Be Glue."

About To Be Glue.

Yeah, that's not a good sign.

Look, Uncle Van, horses.

(IN A HUSKY VOICE)
Tell me it's true, baby. Tell me it's true.

Look at this.
About To Be Glue is 50 to 1.

He's a long shot.

He's About To Be Glue.

Uncle Van
loved long shots.

Which is why he left you
a pair of mukluks and a cheese wheel.

We're going to get
hot dogs. I'll give you a hand.

Hey, hey, hey,
you're going nowhere. What?

Wait a second.
Wait a second. What?

All right, you can go.

Don't anyone touch
my barometer. All righty.

You know what, sweetie?
I'm not sure this horse

is gonna get your
Uncle Van into the winner's circle.

Look at this. It says,
"About To Be Glue

"doesn't figure."

You hear that?
"Doesn't figure." I like that.

What does
the other one say? The other one,

here Belmont, six horse.

"About To Be Glue
figures to be last."

Well, what
do they know?

ANNOUNCER:
The horses are approaching the starting gate.

About To Be Glue.
About To Be Glue.

Atta girl! I bet the ass
off that animal.

Sorry, lady. Come on,
About To Be Glue!

Honey, come on, we have to
make a bet for good luck.

Am I going
or you going? Do you wanna go?

I'm sitting.
I'm going. How much?

Do what you got to do.

Ira says
you can sit with me.

Yeah, whatever.
When he gets back here

I'll sit back with Jamie.
Whatever.

What do you think
of my horse?

Well, I'll tell you this,
he's naked.

You're telling me what?

I'm saying he's got
nothing on him

but a small guy
with a hat.

You don't like
my jockey?

I don't know.

It's okay, it's okay.
You don't want to say anything,

you don't want
to say anything.

I don't know anything.

Come on, tell me.
Where did you hear it?

Ask Tommy.
You talked to Tommy?

I don't even know
who Tommy is.

Oh, I hear that.
He hasn't been right in weeks.

Come on, tell me
what you know.

Well, I'll tell you this.

You can't get hamburger
from Salisbury steak.

Say no more.

Hey, Lise, listen.

Why don't you
order me something? I got to hit the head.

No betting.

Betting? With what?
I'll meet you back at the seats.

Yeah, we're probably
gonna split something.

Give me a $5 wheel
on the six horse, front and back,

and give me a six,
three, one box.

Give me a $30 baseball,
one, three, six.

Also on the six, let me have
we have $10 across the board.

Slap me!

Okay. Give me
$20 to win, $20 to place and $20 to show.

Come on!

Here we go.

Wow.
Tell me!

I can't believe
LaGuardia's so close.

Forget about LaGuardia.
Tell me about my horse.

What?
Can he win?

How do I know?
I'm here for a funeral.

Oh, do you think
he'll die in the stretch?

What are you asking me...
I been to the track once in my whole life.

Just like me.
One long day, and it lasts forever.

Yeah, well, there's
no such thing as forever.

So in other words,
you think he can't go the distance.

Yeah. That's exactly
what I'm saying.

You make a quinella?

That wasn't me, babe.

I miss you, Uncle Van.

You were always
so nice to me.

I wish I could
share this with you.

In fact,
you know what?

I can't believe
you already ate.

Come on, baby.
Come on, baby.

That's it.

(BEEPING)

Here, I got $500 to win
and $500 to place on the six horse.

Cancel it.

ANNOUNCER: The horses
for today's first race

are approaching
the starting gate.

All right, here we go.

How you doing, Ira?
Good.

Mike.

(CHUCKLES)

Hey. Did you see
that they have, uh, ducks in the infield?

My wife likes
the number six horse, too.

Do I know you?

No.
So why you talking to me?

I thought
that was done here. I'm sorry.

Hi.
Hey, where you been? Come on.

Look what I did.

Wow!
How much did you bet? You said I should.

All right, so, you know what,
our kids will work with their hands.

ANNOUNCER: The horses
for the first race

have now reached
the starting gate.

I've really got a feeling.
I feel like Van is here

and this horse is gonna win
and he's gonna wind up where he belongs.

Hey, honey, I so want
to believe that.

Really?
Really.

'Cause we need forever.
'Cause getting our money back would be good.

Did you hear about
Salisbury steak?

I heard. Where'd
you hear it, Tommy?

Nah, Tommy's out.
There's a new guy.

ANNOUNCER:
They're all in line.

Here, I got the food.

Where's Uncle Van?

He's with Ira.

Hey, where is Ira?

With Uncle Van?

ANNOUNCER: About To Be Glue
stumbled at the start.

(PEOPLE CHEERING)

Has anybody seen
a bronze urn?

Guys, hey!

Quit watching television.

(ALL YELLING)

ANNOUNCER: Jim Schtickington
still in front by two.

Jen's Hope
on the far side second,

Kenny Lane can't go with him,

and in-between horses
is About To Be Glue.

...and three horses
across the track chasing...

Schtickington
on the inside,

Jen's Hope outside,
and About To Be Glue

this long shot coming on.

About To Be Glue,
About To Be Glue.

Uncle Van?

Come on, you had
your little fun. Uncle Van?

Olly olly oxen free.

ANNOUNCER: Coming on,
About To Be Glue is running a huge one out here.

About To Be Glue.
About To Be Glue.

VAN: Tell me it's true, baby!
Tell me it's true!

ANNOUNCER: About To Be Glue
has suddenly sprouted wings out here

and About To Be Glue
is going to go on and win it by three.

We just won.
We won.

Did you hear that?
What?

Nothing.
What did you hear?

What did you hear?
I didn't hear anything.

All right. Let's go to
the winner's circle. Yeah.

Okay, great.

How did you
not hear that? Aha!

All right!

Fifty to one and I
didn't bet on him. How stupid am I?

I had $1,000 on him,

and your cousin
talked me off the horse.

How stupid are you?

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