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1
00:00:15,981 --> 00:00:21,050
-- Sync By: AlexKay --
2
00:00:53,181 --> 00:00:55,850
Bobby-boy,
stay while mommy picks up free cheese.
3
00:00:57,851 --> 00:01:00,145
This will keep the sun out of your eyes
4
00:01:00,312 --> 00:01:02,021
Be good.
5
00:01:08,360 --> 00:01:10,487
Don't you fucking move,
you little shit machine.
6
00:01:10,654 --> 00:01:12,237
Mama's gonna try to score.
7
00:01:17,283 --> 00:01:20,243
Excuse me, who's watching these babies?
8
00:01:20,452 --> 00:01:22,706
The fat one's watching the little one?
9
00:01:22,748 --> 00:01:25,000
Nice parenting.
10
00:01:25,208 --> 00:01:27,502
Leave them out here like that
and see what happens.
11
00:01:27,543 --> 00:01:29,796
Fuck you, you fucking square!
12
00:01:29,963 --> 00:01:31,713
Yeah, keep on trucking.
13
00:01:31,922 --> 00:01:34,341
Did you hear the fucking guy tell me
how to fucking raise you?
14
00:01:34,508 --> 00:01:35,801
What a fucker man.
15
00:01:35,968 --> 00:01:37,260
Who does he think he fucking is?
16
00:01:37,385 --> 00:01:38,302
What's the worst
that could fucking happen to you
17
00:01:38,427 --> 00:01:40,513
standing in front of a store?
18
00:01:40,680 --> 00:01:41,763
Fuck!
19
00:01:44,556 --> 00:01:46,225
Fuck.
20
00:01:47,017 --> 00:01:49,643
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
21
00:01:49,768 --> 00:01:52,896
Fuck, fuck, mother-motherfuck-
mother-motherfuck-fuck.
22
00:01:53,021 --> 00:01:54,981
Motherfuck, motherfuck- no inch,
no inch, no inch.
23
00:01:55,147 --> 00:01:56,941
One, two, one-two-three-four.
24
00:01:57,108 --> 00:01:58,693
No inch, no inch, no inch, no inch,
25
00:01:58,901 --> 00:02:02,279
Smoking weed, smoking weed,
doing coke, drinking beers.
26
00:02:02,404 --> 00:02:06,115
Drinking beers, beers, beers.
Rolling fatties, smoking blunts.
27
00:02:06,323 --> 00:02:08,075
Who smokes the blunts?
We smoke the blunts.
28
00:02:10,953 --> 00:02:12,579
Let me have a nickel bag.
29
00:02:12,704 --> 00:02:16,499
Fifteen bucks, little man.
Put that shit in my hand.
30
00:02:16,583 --> 00:02:20,378
If that money doesn't show,
then you owe me, owe me, owe.
31
00:02:20,420 --> 00:02:24,172
My Jungle Love.
Oh-wee-oh-wee-oh!
32
00:02:24,339 --> 00:02:26,842
I think I want to know you, know you.
33
00:02:26,883 --> 00:02:29,385
What the hell are you singing?
34
00:02:29,552 --> 00:02:31,178
You don't know "Jungle Love"?
35
00:02:31,429 --> 00:02:32,680
That shit is the mad notes.
36
00:02:32,722 --> 00:02:33,973
Written by God herself...
37
00:02:34,181 --> 00:02:37,183
and handed down to
the greatest band in the world.
38
00:02:37,350 --> 00:02:39,227
The motherfucking Time.
39
00:02:39,394 --> 00:02:40,978
You mean the guys in that Prince movie?
40
00:02:41,145 --> 00:02:42,021
Yeah, "Purple Rain."
41
00:02:42,187 --> 00:02:45,107
That shit was so gay.
Fucking 80's style.
42
00:02:48,192 --> 00:02:50,653
Don't never say an unkind word
about "The Time".
43
00:02:50,737 --> 00:02:53,196
Me and Silent Bob modeled our
whole fucking lives...
44
00:02:53,363 --> 00:02:54,531
around Morris Day and Jerome.
45
00:02:54,698 --> 00:02:57,659
I'm a smooth pimp
who loves the pussy...
46
00:02:57,701 --> 00:03:00,660
and tubby here is my black man-servant.
47
00:03:00,785 --> 00:03:01,536
What?
48
00:03:01,703 --> 00:03:03,872
What did tell you two about
dealing in front of the store?
49
00:03:04,080 --> 00:03:07,541
Drop the kid and pedal your
wares someplace else, burn-boy.
50
00:03:08,918 --> 00:03:11,836
And for the record,
"The Time" sucked ass.
51
00:03:13,796 --> 00:03:17,883
Want to hear something fucked up
about him and that Quick-Stop boy?
52
00:03:20,303 --> 00:03:21,845
Are you supposed to be here today?
53
00:03:21,887 --> 00:03:23,430
Don't get me started.
54
00:03:23,597 --> 00:03:25,599
Can't we do something
about those two stoners...
55
00:03:25,724 --> 00:03:27,434
hanging around outside
the store all the time?
56
00:03:27,642 --> 00:03:28,809
Why? What did they do now?
57
00:03:28,976 --> 00:03:30,770
I'm trying to watch
"Clash Of The Titans"
58
00:03:30,895 --> 00:03:31,520
and all I can hear is...
59
00:03:31,687 --> 00:03:34,147
those two screaming about
Morris Day at the top of their lungs.
60
00:03:34,314 --> 00:03:36,650
I thought the fat one
didn't talk that much.
61
00:03:36,691 --> 00:03:38,984
What, am I producing
an A & E biography about them?
62
00:03:39,234 --> 00:03:42,862
Two packs of wraps.
How is the service?
63
00:03:43,029 --> 00:03:44,697
What service?
64
00:03:44,781 --> 00:03:46,448
The one at the Unitarian Church
last week...
65
00:03:46,573 --> 00:03:48,533
where you two got married to each other
66
00:03:48,659 --> 00:03:50,118
What the hell are you talking about?
67
00:03:50,285 --> 00:03:52,078
Jay said you guys had a
"Star Wars" theme wedding...
68
00:03:52,245 --> 00:03:54,497
and you tied the knot
dressed like Storm Troopers.
69
00:03:54,580 --> 00:03:56,831
And he says you're the bitch
and you're butch.
70
00:03:56,957 --> 00:03:58,250
I'm the bitch?
71
00:03:58,375 --> 00:03:59,960
If we were gay,
that's the way I'd see it.
72
00:04:00,085 --> 00:04:01,002
Will you shut up?
73
00:04:01,127 --> 00:04:03,504
Holy shit, dude-the honeymoon's over.
74
00:04:03,671 --> 00:04:05,172
That does it.
75
00:04:05,297 --> 00:04:07,633
I am gonna do something about
these two stoner fucks...
76
00:04:07,800 --> 00:04:09,592
I should've done a long time ago.
77
00:04:11,803 --> 00:04:13,554
What the fuck, Serpico? What'd we do?
78
00:04:13,720 --> 00:04:17,183
We got a report of two guys hanging
around a store selling pot.
79
00:04:17,392 --> 00:04:18,977
We don't smoke pot.
80
00:04:19,143 --> 00:04:21,895
No pot? What do you use this for?
81
00:04:22,020 --> 00:04:25,065
I have a wiping problem,
I stick those little pieces of paper...
82
00:04:25,107 --> 00:04:28,067
over my brown eye and bam!
- No shit stains on my undies.
83
00:04:28,234 --> 00:04:29,860
You don't believe me? I'll show you.
84
00:04:30,319 --> 00:04:31,070
Check this out.
85
00:04:31,279 --> 00:04:33,446
Just spread my cheeks and
you can see the stink nuggets.
86
00:04:33,530 --> 00:04:35,699
Pull up your fucking pants, sir.
87
00:04:35,865 --> 00:04:37,825
Now!
88
00:04:38,576 --> 00:04:41,328
Let's go.
We're going down to the station.
89
00:04:41,370 --> 00:04:44,122
What, is it a crime to fart?
Motherfucker
90
00:04:45,164 --> 00:04:46,666
No fucking way!
91
00:04:46,874 --> 00:04:49,626
Dante and Randal slapped you
with a restraining order?
92
00:04:49,792 --> 00:04:51,502
Ain't that about a bitch?
93
00:04:51,544 --> 00:04:53,254
Are you gonna abide by
the court's ruling...
94
00:04:53,379 --> 00:04:55,504
or are you gonna go bandit,
Reynold's style?
95
00:04:55,671 --> 00:04:57,965
Judge said if we go within
a hundred feet of the store...
96
00:04:58,132 --> 00:04:59,675
we get thrown into County.
97
00:04:59,842 --> 00:05:01,509
You know what they make you do
in County?
98
00:05:01,634 --> 00:05:03,720
Toss the salad.
99
00:05:03,761 --> 00:05:05,805
If you guys really wanted to hang out
in front of a convenience store...
100
00:05:05,972 --> 00:05:08,724
you could buy your own with all that
money you guys made.
101
00:05:08,891 --> 00:05:10,976
Hell, yeah, bitch.
102
00:05:11,101 --> 00:05:12,393
Wait a second-what money?
103
00:05:12,560 --> 00:05:15,315
The money from the Bluntman
And Chronic movie.
104
00:05:18,984 --> 00:05:21,320
Oh my God,
don't tell me you have no idea...
105
00:05:21,445 --> 00:05:23,447
that there's a movie being made of
the comic...
106
00:05:23,572 --> 00:05:25,656
you two were the basis for?
107
00:05:25,823 --> 00:05:28,074
What? Since when?
108
00:05:28,241 --> 00:05:32,036
Here's the pulse.
And this is your finger...
109
00:05:32,203 --> 00:05:35,289
far from the pulse,
jammed straight up your ass.
110
00:05:36,497 --> 00:05:39,250
Would you like
a chocolate covered pretzel?
111
00:05:40,460 --> 00:05:45,088
If you read Wizard, you'd know
that it's the top story this month.
112
00:05:45,297 --> 00:05:46,715
Check it out.
113
00:05:49,091 --> 00:05:50,509
When the fuck did this happen?
114
00:05:50,676 --> 00:05:52,553
After-X-Men hit at the box office...
115
00:05:52,678 --> 00:05:54,930
all the studios started buying
every comic property...
116
00:05:55,013 --> 00:05:57,224
they could get their dirty
little hands on.
117
00:05:57,432 --> 00:05:59,892
Miramax optioned Bluntman And Chronic.
118
00:06:00,017 --> 00:06:00,517
Miramax?
119
00:06:00,684 --> 00:06:02,977
I thought
they only made classy pictures...
120
00:06:03,019 --> 00:06:05,187
like The Piano, or The Crying Game.
121
00:06:05,354 --> 00:06:08,315
Once they made She's All That,
everything went to hell.
122
00:06:08,440 --> 00:06:11,527
You're saying you haven't gotten
a monetary cut of the movie?
123
00:06:11,693 --> 00:06:13,530
Didn't Holden McNeil
and Banky Edwards...
124
00:06:13,571 --> 00:06:15,323
used to pay you likeness rights
for the comic book?
125
00:06:15,532 --> 00:06:17,950
We haven't seen a fucking dime
for no movie.
126
00:06:18,116 --> 00:06:21,119
I'm no lawyer,
but I think Holden and Banky...
127
00:06:21,286 --> 00:06:24,080
owe you some of that proverbial
"fat cash".
128
00:06:24,163 --> 00:06:26,290
If I was you guys,
I'd find Holden McNeil...
129
00:06:26,499 --> 00:06:28,124
and ask for my movie check.
130
00:06:28,333 --> 00:06:30,709
Shit, yeah, we gots to get paid!
131
00:06:30,918 --> 00:06:33,379
And on that note, we cue the music.
132
00:06:50,225 --> 00:06:54,270
Look at these morose motherfuckers
right here.
133
00:06:54,436 --> 00:06:59,357
Smells like somebody shit
in their cereal. Bunngg!
134
00:07:00,191 --> 00:07:01,860
Come on in.
135
00:07:02,818 --> 00:07:05,362
What brings you two dirt merchants
to my neck of the woods?
136
00:07:05,571 --> 00:07:07,906
I'll tell you what our necks are
doing in your woods.
137
00:07:07,990 --> 00:07:09,867
Where's our motherfucking movie check?
138
00:07:09,908 --> 00:07:11,786
You heard about that, huh?
139
00:07:11,911 --> 00:07:12,620
I got nothing to do with it.
140
00:07:12,829 --> 00:07:13,371
That's Banky's deal.
141
00:07:13,538 --> 00:07:14,163
He owns the property now.
142
00:07:14,330 --> 00:07:17,081
I sold my half of the Bluntman and
Chronic rights to him years ago.
143
00:07:17,206 --> 00:07:19,208
Why the fuck would you do
a thing like that?
144
00:07:19,375 --> 00:07:22,919
Why in Gods' name would I want to
keep writing about characters...
145
00:07:23,003 --> 00:07:26,505
whose central preoccupation is weed
and dick and fart jokes.
146
00:07:26,672 --> 00:07:28,883
You gotta grow, man.
147
00:07:29,091 --> 00:07:31,468
Don't you want anything more
for yourself?
148
00:07:31,552 --> 00:07:33,845
I know this poor hapless son of
a bitch does.
149
00:07:35,346 --> 00:07:38,682
I look into his sorry, doe eyes and
I see a man crying out.
150
00:07:38,932 --> 00:07:40,350
He's crying out "When, Lord?"
151
00:07:40,517 --> 00:07:42,853
When the fuck can your servant...
152
00:07:43,061 --> 00:07:45,605
ditch this foul mouthed
little chucklehead...
153
00:07:45,771 --> 00:07:48,274
to whom I am a constant victim of
his folly.
154
00:07:48,399 --> 00:07:50,734
So much so that it prevents me
from ever getting a girl.
155
00:07:50,901 --> 00:07:52,401
Fuck! When, Lord, when?
156
00:07:52,568 --> 00:07:54,486
When's gonna be my time?
157
00:07:57,947 --> 00:07:58,948
He knows.
158
00:07:59,115 --> 00:08:00,533
I'm the chucklehead?
159
00:08:00,742 --> 00:08:01,950
You're the fucking dumb ass...
160
00:08:02,075 --> 00:08:03,076
who gave your comic away.
161
00:08:03,243 --> 00:08:05,537
Now you don't get no
fucking movie check neither.
162
00:08:05,704 --> 00:08:07,121
When you're right, you're right.
163
00:08:07,246 --> 00:08:09,248
I wish I'd held on to a little piece
of that thing because...
164
00:08:09,415 --> 00:08:12,628
if the buzz is any sign, that movie's
gonna make some huge bank.
165
00:08:12,793 --> 00:08:14,212
What buzz?
166
00:08:14,420 --> 00:08:15,504
The internet buzz.
167
00:08:15,630 --> 00:08:17,798
What the fuck is the internet?
168
00:08:17,965 --> 00:08:20,342
The internet is a communications
tool used the world over...
169
00:08:20,550 --> 00:08:22,344
where people can come together
to bitch about movies...
170
00:08:22,511 --> 00:08:23,428
and share pornography.
171
00:08:23,595 --> 00:08:26,805
Like this-Movie Poop Shoot-dot-com.
172
00:08:26,972 --> 00:08:28,598
Poop shoot, yeah.
173
00:08:29,182 --> 00:08:31,558
This is a site populated
by militant movie buffs.
174
00:08:31,725 --> 00:08:35,187
Sad, pathetic little bastards living
in their parents' basement...
175
00:08:35,312 --> 00:08:38,648
downloading scripts and what
they think is inside information...
176
00:08:38,856 --> 00:08:41,442
about movies and actors that
they claim to despise yet...
177
00:08:41,609 --> 00:08:42,692
can't stop discussing.
178
00:08:42,943 --> 00:08:44,736
Okay, this is about Bluntman & Chronic.
179
00:08:44,861 --> 00:08:48,322
"Inside sources tell me Miramax is
starting production this Friday..."
180
00:08:48,489 --> 00:08:51,700
"on their adaptation of underground
comic fav Bluntman & Chronic."
181
00:08:51,909 --> 00:08:52,660
Friday? Shit.
182
00:08:52,868 --> 00:08:54,536
Does it say who's playing us
in the movie?
183
00:08:54,702 --> 00:08:55,620
No, but it's Miramax,
184
00:08:55,787 --> 00:08:58,081
so I'm sure
it'll be Ben Affleck and Matt Damon.
185
00:08:58,248 --> 00:08:59,581
They put them in a bunch of movies.
186
00:08:59,748 --> 00:09:00,290
Who?
187
00:09:00,415 --> 00:09:02,417
Those kids from "Good Will Hunting".
188
00:09:02,543 --> 00:09:04,670
You mean that fucking movie
with Mork from Ork in it?
189
00:09:04,711 --> 00:09:06,754
I wasn't a big fan either.
190
00:09:06,921 --> 00:09:09,341
But Affleck was the bomb in "Phantoms".
191
00:09:09,591 --> 00:09:12,218
Word, bitch.
"Phantoms" was a motherfucker!
192
00:09:15,179 --> 00:09:16,389
Here we go.
193
00:09:16,472 --> 00:09:17,639
This is the shoot back section.
194
00:09:17,806 --> 00:09:21,101
This is where the people get to
chime in with their two cents.
195
00:09:21,226 --> 00:09:24,812
Here's a guy with
the chick-magnet name "Wampa One"...
196
00:09:24,979 --> 00:09:27,648
opining on what he thinks about
Bluntman & Chronic.
197
00:09:27,815 --> 00:09:28,481
He says...
198
00:09:28,606 --> 00:09:30,733
"Bluntman & Chronic and their stupid
alter egos Jay & Silent Bob...
199
00:09:30,817 --> 00:09:32,902
"only work in small doses, if at all."
200
00:09:33,069 --> 00:09:34,987
"They don't deserve their own movie."
201
00:09:35,153 --> 00:09:35,779
He's got a point.
202
00:09:35,946 --> 00:09:37,406
Fuck him. What's the next one say?
203
00:09:37,573 --> 00:09:39,491
This is entitled
"Fuck Them Up Their Stupid Asses".
204
00:09:39,658 --> 00:09:42,367
"Bluntman & Chronic is the
worst comic I ever read."
205
00:09:42,575 --> 00:09:44,660
"Jay & Silent Bob
are stupid characters."
206
00:09:44,869 --> 00:09:47,287
"A couple of stoners who spout
dumb ass catch phrases..."
207
00:09:47,328 --> 00:09:49,706
"like a third rate Cheech & Chong,
or Bill & Ted."
208
00:09:49,873 --> 00:09:55,002
"Fuck Jay & Silent Bob!
Fuck them up their stupid asses!"
209
00:09:55,169 --> 00:09:56,962
Who the fuck said that shit?
210
00:09:57,129 --> 00:10:00,089
He calls himself Magnolia Fan.
Check this one out.
211
00:10:00,131 --> 00:10:03,051
"Jay & Silent Bob are one-note jokes
that only stoners laugh at."
212
00:10:03,177 --> 00:10:06,180
"They are fucking clown shoes."
213
00:10:06,346 --> 00:10:10,099
"If they were real I'd beat the shit
out of them for being so stupid."
214
00:10:10,224 --> 00:10:12,768
"I will be boycotting this movie.
Who is with me?"
215
00:10:12,935 --> 00:10:15,228
Then there's fifty more posts
of people...
216
00:10:15,395 --> 00:10:17,104
who are joining this guy's boycott.
217
00:10:17,354 --> 00:10:19,899
I'm gonna kill all these fucks.
218
00:10:19,982 --> 00:10:22,567
Let it go.
They're not talking about you guys.
219
00:10:22,692 --> 00:10:24,444
They're talking about
Bluntman & Chronic.
220
00:10:26,737 --> 00:10:27,946
But they said Jay & Silent Bob.
221
00:10:28,113 --> 00:10:29,114
They used our real names.
222
00:10:29,281 --> 00:10:31,283
It doesn't matter
if there's a comic version...
223
00:10:31,450 --> 00:10:34,327
because no one knows we're real
in real life.
224
00:10:34,494 --> 00:10:38,330
And all the people reading that
shit think the real Jay & Silent Bob...
225
00:10:38,497 --> 00:10:40,749
are a couple of jerk-offs
because of what these dick-heads...
226
00:10:40,916 --> 00:10:43,084
are writing about
the comic Jay & Silent Bob.
227
00:10:43,251 --> 00:10:46,795
Maybe one night me and lunch-box
are making some chick and she says...
228
00:10:46,962 --> 00:10:50,173
"Oooh, I want to suck your dicks off.
229
00:10:50,381 --> 00:10:51,841
What're your names?"
230
00:10:52,008 --> 00:10:54,968
And I say
"Jay & Silent Bob. Recognize."
231
00:10:55,093 --> 00:10:57,136
And she says
"I read on the internet that..."
232
00:10:57,303 --> 00:11:00,557
"you guys were a couple of
little fucking jerk-offs."
233
00:11:00,724 --> 00:11:03,351
And then she goes and sucks
two other guys dicks off instead.
234
00:11:03,476 --> 00:11:05,270
Fuck that!
235
00:11:05,437 --> 00:11:07,147
We got to put a stop to
these fucking hateful...
236
00:11:07,355 --> 00:11:10,107
sons of bitches before they ruin
our good names.
237
00:11:10,274 --> 00:11:12,068
First of all, I don't know
how good your names are...
238
00:11:12,235 --> 00:11:14,778
and second, there's not much you can do
about stopping this bile.
239
00:11:14,903 --> 00:11:16,404
The internet has given everyone
in America a voice...
240
00:11:16,571 --> 00:11:18,988
and everyone in America
has chosen to use that voice...
241
00:11:19,113 --> 00:11:19,989
to bitch about movies.
242
00:11:20,114 --> 00:11:21,407
As long as
there's Bluntman & Chronic movie...
243
00:11:21,574 --> 00:11:24,785
the net nerds are gonna have
something negative to say.
244
00:11:24,993 --> 00:11:25,994
Wait a second.
245
00:11:26,245 --> 00:11:28,705
If there wasn't
a Bluntman & Chronic movie...
246
00:11:28,747 --> 00:11:31,206
then those fuckers wouldn't be saying
shit about Jay & Silent Bob.
247
00:11:31,456 --> 00:11:33,959
They're not saying anything
about you now.
248
00:11:34,000 --> 00:11:36,544
They're talking
about fictional characters.
249
00:11:36,710 --> 00:11:39,213
Fictional characters.
250
00:11:39,380 --> 00:11:42,423
Am I getting through to you at all?
251
00:11:42,465 --> 00:11:45,468
So all we gotta do is stop
the fucking movie from getting made.
252
00:11:45,677 --> 00:11:48,887
And forego the hundreds
of thousands of dollars...
253
00:11:49,054 --> 00:11:51,140
that you two would be entitled to
in the process.
254
00:11:51,306 --> 00:11:52,599
Are you fucking retarded?
255
00:11:52,766 --> 00:11:55,476
I don't think I'm alone in the world...
256
00:11:55,685 --> 00:11:58,480
Greedo shooting first.
257
00:11:58,647 --> 00:12:02,066
A Jay & Silent Bob movie?
258
00:12:02,233 --> 00:12:05,028
Who'd pay to see that?
259
00:12:09,197 --> 00:12:11,365
But, since it appears inevitable,
I recommend that you...
260
00:12:11,532 --> 00:12:14,994
go hunt Banky down and get
your mother fucking movie check...
261
00:12:15,202 --> 00:12:17,829
as you succinctly put it,
because that's what's important, right?
262
00:12:17,996 --> 00:12:20,665
No, Holden McNeil.
263
00:12:20,832 --> 00:12:23,292
The important thing here
is a bunch of mother fuckers...
264
00:12:23,500 --> 00:12:26,211
we don't even know calling us
assholes on the internet...
265
00:12:26,295 --> 00:12:29,005
to teenagers and guys
who can't even get laid.
266
00:12:29,172 --> 00:12:31,966
Putting a stop to that is the most
important thing we could ever do.
267
00:12:32,008 --> 00:12:34,634
When is this movie getting made?
268
00:12:34,801 --> 00:12:36,094
They start this Friday.
269
00:12:36,261 --> 00:12:40,390
So, if today is Tuesday,
that gives us...
270
00:12:42,224 --> 00:12:43,808
eight days.
271
00:12:43,975 --> 00:12:45,810
Three by my count, but close.
272
00:12:45,977 --> 00:12:47,644
My bad.
273
00:12:47,811 --> 00:12:51,064
Three days to stop that fucking
stupid movie from getting made.
274
00:12:51,231 --> 00:12:54,066
C'mon, Silent Bob-
we're going to Hollywood.
275
00:13:16,127 --> 00:13:16,795
Tickets?
276
00:13:16,961 --> 00:13:19,171
Since when did they start charging
for the bus?
277
00:13:19,338 --> 00:13:22,548
Didn't we used to ride that shit to
school every morning for free?
278
00:13:26,594 --> 00:13:27,552
This sucks balls, man.
279
00:13:27,719 --> 00:13:29,679
How come we ain't getting no rides?
280
00:13:30,430 --> 00:13:32,890
Because you're doing it all wrong.
281
00:13:34,141 --> 00:13:37,853
You gotta give
the driver a little incentive.
282
00:13:38,062 --> 00:13:39,312
Like how?
283
00:13:39,479 --> 00:13:40,647
Like this.
284
00:13:43,066 --> 00:13:44,483
But what happens when they pick
you up and you don't...
285
00:13:44,525 --> 00:13:45,901
make with the head?
286
00:13:46,068 --> 00:13:47,528
Don't they kick your ass to the curb?
287
00:13:47,694 --> 00:13:50,363
Sure, if you don't make with the head.
288
00:13:54,326 --> 00:13:57,911
Yeah. If it'll get me a couple
hundred miles across the country...
289
00:13:58,078 --> 00:14:00,414
I'll take a shot in the mouth.
290
00:14:00,581 --> 00:14:02,082
But we ain't gay.
291
00:14:02,249 --> 00:14:04,626
Don't be so suburban.
292
00:14:04,751 --> 00:14:06,086
It's the new millennium.
293
00:14:06,253 --> 00:14:09,380
Gay, straight- it's all the same now.
294
00:14:09,547 --> 00:14:11,674
There are no more lines.
295
00:14:12,299 --> 00:14:15,176
There's a line,
and on the side of it we ain't gay.
296
00:14:15,301 --> 00:14:18,012
All the hitchers do this.
297
00:14:18,263 --> 00:14:20,222
Why do you think people pick us up?
298
00:14:20,389 --> 00:14:22,432
If you get a ride, it's expected.
299
00:14:22,558 --> 00:14:24,852
I don't care who the driver is.
300
00:14:25,018 --> 00:14:28,062
It's the first rule in the book.
301
00:14:28,229 --> 00:14:29,730
What book?
302
00:14:29,856 --> 00:14:32,730
The unwritten book of the road.
303
00:14:48,743 --> 00:14:51,038
Follow the rules of the book...
304
00:14:51,080 --> 00:14:53,332
and you'll get
where you're going in no time.
305
00:14:53,499 --> 00:14:55,208
Excuse me.
306
00:15:23,440 --> 00:15:24,900
You both don't have to sit back there.
307
00:15:25,025 --> 00:15:27,652
Why doesn't one of you come sit
next to me?
308
00:15:34,700 --> 00:15:35,992
Where are you boys from?
309
00:15:36,159 --> 00:15:37,494
New Jersey.
310
00:15:37,535 --> 00:15:38,828
But we're on our way to Hollywood.
311
00:15:38,995 --> 00:15:41,872
Hollywood, huh? That's far away.
312
00:15:42,039 --> 00:15:44,166
Thank God you picked us up.
313
00:15:44,333 --> 00:15:47,834
Do unto others-
that's what the book says.
314
00:15:48,084 --> 00:15:50,379
Wait a second- you follow the book too?
315
00:15:50,588 --> 00:15:52,589
I live my life by it.
316
00:15:52,631 --> 00:15:54,591
- You?
- Of course.
317
00:15:54,758 --> 00:15:57,845
So you live by the book, too?
318
00:15:58,054 --> 00:16:01,515
You picked us up, didn't you?
I have to.
319
00:16:02,099 --> 00:16:03,308
That's good to hear...
320
00:16:03,517 --> 00:16:06,811
but it's a lot easier to say
you live by the book...
321
00:16:06,977 --> 00:16:09,312
than to actually do it.
322
00:16:09,479 --> 00:16:13,482
Can you do it?
All right.
323
00:16:32,789 --> 00:16:34,039
I can't believe this shit.
324
00:16:34,206 --> 00:16:35,457
Five hours and not a single ride.
325
00:16:35,624 --> 00:16:39,044
Every day people hitch to Hollywood...
326
00:16:39,168 --> 00:16:42,171
but when you and me try it's like
we're trapped in a fucking cartoon.
327
00:16:59,228 --> 00:17:00,938
Zoinks.
328
00:17:01,105 --> 00:17:03,022
Now we can finally solve the mystery
of the hitchhiking ghouls.
329
00:17:03,231 --> 00:17:05,483
Pull off their masks and let's see
who they really are.
330
00:17:06,109 --> 00:17:07,110
I don't think they are masks.
331
00:17:07,235 --> 00:17:09,987
And I don't think
they're hitchhiking girls, either.
332
00:17:10,195 --> 00:17:12,406
Ghouls, you fucking moron, not girls.
333
00:17:12,573 --> 00:17:15,074
I wish they were hitchhiking girl.
334
00:17:15,158 --> 00:17:17,618
Sexy, hitchhiking girls.
335
00:17:17,785 --> 00:17:18,578
Let's kick them out.
336
00:17:18,703 --> 00:17:20,078
We have a mystery to solve.
337
00:17:20,245 --> 00:17:22,497
The only mystery here is
why we take our cues...
338
00:17:22,706 --> 00:17:24,916
from a dick in a neckerchief.
339
00:17:25,083 --> 00:17:25,833
Keep it up, beatnik.
340
00:17:25,958 --> 00:17:27,209
I'll feed you to the fucking dog.
341
00:17:27,376 --> 00:17:30,087
I can't take all this fighting.
342
00:17:33,131 --> 00:17:35,424
You guys need to turn those
frowns upside down.
343
00:17:35,632 --> 00:17:37,675
And I got just the thing for that.
344
00:17:38,426 --> 00:17:40,178
We call it...
345
00:17:40,386 --> 00:17:42,305
doobie snacks.
346
00:18:04,699 --> 00:18:06,909
Hi, Jay and Silent Bob.
347
00:18:12,038 --> 00:18:13,413
I think they passed out.
348
00:18:13,622 --> 00:18:16,041
Great. What do we do with them now?
349
00:18:16,208 --> 00:18:18,542
Let's cut out their kidneys
and sell them on the black market...
350
00:18:18,709 --> 00:18:21,670
and leave them in
a seedy motel bathtub full of ice.
351
00:18:30,636 --> 00:18:31,386
You see something?
352
00:18:31,595 --> 00:18:33,013
Anything?
353
00:18:33,180 --> 00:18:35,432
I had a horrible dream.
354
00:18:37,225 --> 00:18:38,101
Man, I'm hungry.
355
00:18:38,309 --> 00:18:40,144
Where can we get some breakfast?
356
00:18:52,114 --> 00:18:53,280
Yeah.
357
00:19:00,203 --> 00:19:01,830
Check that shit out.
358
00:19:01,955 --> 00:19:02,914
The internet.
359
00:19:03,039 --> 00:19:04,541
Let's see if those fucks wrote
something new about us...
360
00:19:04,706 --> 00:19:06,041
or that stupid-ass flick.
361
00:19:09,461 --> 00:19:12,922
"Any movie based on Jay and Silent Bob
are gonna lick balls..."
362
00:19:13,089 --> 00:19:15,425
"because they both, in fact,
lick balls."
363
00:19:15,633 --> 00:19:16,925
Mother fucker.
364
00:19:17,092 --> 00:19:18,760
It's time we wrote something back.
365
00:19:18,927 --> 00:19:19,886
Type this shit down.
366
00:19:21,262 --> 00:19:23,470
All you mother fuckers are gonna pay.
367
00:19:23,679 --> 00:19:26,932
You are the ones
who are the ball lickers.
368
00:19:27,099 --> 00:19:29,642
We're gonna fuck your mothers
while you watch and cry...
369
00:19:29,851 --> 00:19:31,227
like little whiny bitches.
370
00:19:31,310 --> 00:19:32,687
One we get to Hollywood...
371
00:19:32,854 --> 00:19:35,105
and find those Miramax fucks
who are making the movie...
372
00:19:35,230 --> 00:19:38,692
we're gonna make them eat our shit-
then shit out our shit...
373
00:19:38,859 --> 00:19:41,987
and eat their shit that's made up
of our shit that we make them eat.
374
00:19:42,028 --> 00:19:45,115
And then all you mother fucks are next.
375
00:19:45,698 --> 00:19:48,117
Love, Jay & Silent Bob.
376
00:19:48,702 --> 00:19:50,078
That'll show those fucks.
377
00:19:50,120 --> 00:19:51,454
Now we can eat our Egga-Mooby Muffin
378
00:19:51,620 --> 00:19:54,331
then get back on the road,
go to Hollywood and stop those fucks...
379
00:19:54,498 --> 00:19:55,791
from making that movie.
380
00:19:56,000 --> 00:19:57,625
No more hairy bush nuns, no more dogs.
381
00:19:57,792 --> 00:19:59,460
We keep our eye on the prize.
382
00:19:59,543 --> 00:20:01,211
And let nothing...
383
00:20:01,336 --> 00:20:03,546
and I mean nothing distract us.
384
00:20:13,722 --> 00:20:16,098
Holy shit!
385
00:21:16,815 --> 00:21:17,774
Oh, my God.
386
00:21:17,941 --> 00:21:19,775
Do you get free refills with that?
387
00:21:19,942 --> 00:21:22,027
This? No, I use this for protection.
388
00:21:22,194 --> 00:21:25,613
So that no guys try to grab my shit
or anything.
389
00:21:26,489 --> 00:21:27,990
Hi, I'm Justice.
390
00:21:28,700 --> 00:21:30,367
And I am so fucking yours.
391
00:21:32,119 --> 00:21:33,120
I mean- hi, I'm Jay.
392
00:21:33,704 --> 00:21:35,997
And this is my hetero life-mate,
Silent Bob.
393
00:21:36,164 --> 00:21:37,207
It's nice to meet you.
394
00:21:37,374 --> 00:21:39,584
Justice, huh? That's a nice name.
395
00:21:39,751 --> 00:21:42,920
Jay and Justice sitting in a tree...
396
00:21:43,087 --> 00:21:45,841
f-u-c-k-i-n-g.
397
00:21:46,007 --> 00:21:48,050
So you come around here often?
398
00:21:48,217 --> 00:21:50,260
I'm not from around here.
399
00:21:50,301 --> 00:21:52,303
My friends and I are on a road trip.
400
00:21:52,470 --> 00:21:53,470
Friends, huh?
401
00:21:53,637 --> 00:21:54,513
Where are they at?
402
00:21:54,680 --> 00:21:58,392
Out there by that van.
403
00:22:20,994 --> 00:22:21,786
Hi.
404
00:22:21,995 --> 00:22:24,663
Dude, I think I just filled the cup.
405
00:22:27,248 --> 00:22:32,044
Ladies, ladies, ladies -
Jay and Silent Bob are in the house.
406
00:22:32,711 --> 00:22:34,754
Who the fuck are these guys?
407
00:22:34,962 --> 00:22:37,673
This is Jay and Silent Bob.
408
00:22:37,715 --> 00:22:40,341
Guys, this is Sissy, Missy and Chrissy.
409
00:22:40,508 --> 00:22:42,719
Where the fuck did they come from?
410
00:22:42,886 --> 00:22:43,554
I met them inside.
411
00:22:43,763 --> 00:22:44,555
They're gonna hitch a ride.
412
00:22:44,972 --> 00:22:47,223
I don't know if that's such a good idea
413
00:22:47,390 --> 00:22:49,142
Sure it is, Jugs.
414
00:22:49,184 --> 00:22:50,894
Oh, my God!
415
00:22:51,102 --> 00:22:52,603
He just called Sissy "Jugs".
416
00:22:52,770 --> 00:22:54,480
- I'm on it.
- Chrissy, no!
417
00:22:54,646 --> 00:22:55,773
We're in the middle of suburbia.
418
00:22:55,981 --> 00:22:57,149
Let's try and act like it.
419
00:22:57,316 --> 00:22:58,066
What's with the knife?
420
00:22:58,191 --> 00:22:59,233
We having cake or something?
421
00:22:59,442 --> 00:23:00,735
Shit.
422
00:23:00,902 --> 00:23:02,069
He's retarded to boot.
423
00:23:02,235 --> 00:23:04,278
She called you retarded.
424
00:23:04,487 --> 00:23:05,821
What is wrong with you, Justice?
425
00:23:06,030 --> 00:23:07,573
You do remember where
we're going, don't you?
426
00:23:07,823 --> 00:23:09,199
And we have a job to do.
427
00:23:09,240 --> 00:23:10,617
They're just gonna tag along for
a few miles.
428
00:23:10,784 --> 00:23:12,118
They won't get in the way, I swear.
429
00:23:12,327 --> 00:23:14,829
I swear I don't know what's going on
in your fucking brain lately.
430
00:23:15,079 --> 00:23:16,455
Please?
431
00:23:16,622 --> 00:23:18,248
Fine, they can ride with us.
432
00:23:18,374 --> 00:23:20,709
But they are so out of here
before we get to Boulder.
433
00:23:20,875 --> 00:23:21,751
Honest injun.
434
00:23:21,918 --> 00:23:23,961
- Honest injun.
- Shut up.
435
00:23:24,003 --> 00:23:25,963
I can't believe what a pushover you are
436
00:23:26,130 --> 00:23:28,757
And I can't believe fine-ass
bitches like yourself eat that shit.
437
00:23:28,924 --> 00:23:31,010
Don't you know fast food
makes girls fart?
438
00:23:31,177 --> 00:23:33,637
What's all this talk about farting?
439
00:23:33,845 --> 00:23:36,973
Hi, Brent.
440
00:23:37,140 --> 00:23:40,141
This is Brent. He's with us, too.
441
00:23:40,183 --> 00:23:43,020
Brent, tell these sillies that
girls don't fart.
442
00:23:43,229 --> 00:23:45,522
Of course they don't.
443
00:23:45,730 --> 00:23:48,024
Only skeevy stoners fart.
444
00:23:48,316 --> 00:23:49,567
What up, homies?
445
00:23:49,693 --> 00:23:52,986
Wow, three guys, four girls.
446
00:23:53,153 --> 00:23:55,072
What's the count, boys?
447
00:23:55,239 --> 00:23:56,406
Let's rock.
448
00:23:57,281 --> 00:23:59,784
Dear Mr. Science guy...
449
00:23:59,992 --> 00:24:02,911
don't spray that aerosol in my eye.
450
00:24:05,580 --> 00:24:09,749
I don't really want to die.
451
00:24:09,916 --> 00:24:12,085
I'm a noble rabbit.
452
00:24:13,293 --> 00:24:15,253
What are you guys,
a cover band or something?
453
00:24:15,503 --> 00:24:17,922
We're the Kansas state chapter of SAAC-
454
00:24:18,089 --> 00:24:20,007
Students Against Animal Cruelty.
455
00:24:20,173 --> 00:24:23,635
We're on our way to Colorado to give
Provasik a piece of our minds.
456
00:24:25,761 --> 00:24:28,807
What the fuck
are you bitches babbling about?
457
00:24:28,974 --> 00:24:31,475
Hey! Watch the language, little boy.
458
00:24:31,559 --> 00:24:34,020
There are females present.
459
00:24:34,186 --> 00:24:38,106
Provasik Pharmaceuticals is
a medical lab where they perform...
460
00:24:38,273 --> 00:24:39,942
gross experiments on animals.
461
00:24:40,109 --> 00:24:43,945
What kind of animals
are we talking about? Bears, Rhinos?
462
00:24:44,154 --> 00:24:45,530
No!
463
00:24:45,780 --> 00:24:49,575
More like dogs, cats, rabbits,
muskrats, beavers.
464
00:24:49,742 --> 00:24:51,451
Heck, even monkeys.
465
00:24:51,617 --> 00:24:53,910
If we don't speak up for them, who will?
466
00:24:53,952 --> 00:24:56,246
Right, Jussy?
467
00:24:56,371 --> 00:24:57,956
Right, Brent.
468
00:25:03,127 --> 00:25:05,837
Brent, can I talk to you over here
for a second?
469
00:25:13,886 --> 00:25:17,555
Be honest, you're down with this
for the fine-ass pussy, right?
470
00:25:17,764 --> 00:25:21,351
I'm down with this
because I love animals, stupid.
471
00:25:22,310 --> 00:25:23,393
Even sheep?
472
00:25:23,560 --> 00:25:24,478
Of course.
473
00:25:24,603 --> 00:25:26,813
Sheep are beautiful creatures.
474
00:25:26,980 --> 00:25:28,690
They are beautiful, aren't they?
475
00:25:28,732 --> 00:25:30,399
Oh God, yes.
476
00:25:31,108 --> 00:25:32,818
So that means you'd fuck a sheep, right?
477
00:25:32,943 --> 00:25:34,903
What is your damage, little boy?
478
00:25:35,070 --> 00:25:37,280
You have a sick
and twisted world perspective.
479
00:25:37,447 --> 00:25:40,825
You're misunderstanding me,
Prince Valiant.
480
00:25:41,034 --> 00:25:43,161
I mean if you were another sheep.
481
00:25:43,286 --> 00:25:46,080
Would you fuck a sheep
if you were another sheep?
482
00:25:48,331 --> 00:25:50,917
Since you put it that way...
483
00:25:51,125 --> 00:25:52,043
you bet your ass I would.
484
00:25:52,834 --> 00:25:54,961
I thought so.
485
00:25:55,879 --> 00:25:57,130
This mother fucker ain't one of us.
486
00:25:57,297 --> 00:25:59,215
He said he'd fuck a sheep.
487
00:26:02,176 --> 00:26:05,135
Now who's stupid,
you dirty sheep fucker?
488
00:26:16,520 --> 00:26:19,272
- What the fuck are we gonna do?
- Shut up, I'm thinking.
489
00:26:20,107 --> 00:26:21,816
Is Hollywood near where we're going?
490
00:26:21,983 --> 00:26:23,735
Is that where you guys are from?
491
00:26:23,902 --> 00:26:24,611
Yeah, right.
492
00:26:24,861 --> 00:26:26,738
Jersey represent.
493
00:26:26,863 --> 00:26:28,698
Oh, a Jersey boy.
494
00:26:28,948 --> 00:26:30,950
What brings you all the way out here?
495
00:26:31,158 --> 00:26:32,535
We couldn't hang around
the Quick-Stop no more...
496
00:26:32,576 --> 00:26:33,952
because of the restraining order.
497
00:26:34,160 --> 00:26:35,245
Which sucks ass...
498
00:26:35,370 --> 00:26:37,957
because it's been mine and Silent Bob's
home since we were kinds.
499
00:26:38,124 --> 00:26:40,541
Silent Bob even busted his cherry there
500
00:26:40,582 --> 00:26:42,876
You did?
501
00:26:43,085 --> 00:26:46,504
I bet she was a lucky girl.
502
00:26:48,297 --> 00:26:50,258
Fuck that fat fuck!
503
00:26:50,424 --> 00:26:52,634
I'm trying to tell a story.
504
00:26:52,801 --> 00:26:54,136
Sorry.
505
00:26:54,303 --> 00:26:56,220
We were talking to Brodie...
506
00:26:56,387 --> 00:26:58,222
and he told us about
the Bluntman & Chronic movie...
507
00:26:58,389 --> 00:27:00,516
so we went to see Holden McNeil
and he showed us the internet...
508
00:27:00,725 --> 00:27:02,892
and that's where we found all
those little fucking jerk-offs...
509
00:27:03,101 --> 00:27:03,935
talking shit about us.
510
00:27:04,102 --> 00:27:05,186
So we decided to go to Hollywood...
511
00:27:05,353 --> 00:27:06,980
and stop the movie from getting made.
512
00:27:07,147 --> 00:27:08,647
And now we're here.
513
00:27:08,772 --> 00:27:10,441
I have no idea what you just said.
514
00:27:10,524 --> 00:27:12,151
I get that a lot.
515
00:27:12,318 --> 00:27:13,693
So, you like animals, huh?
516
00:27:13,901 --> 00:27:14,944
Sure.
517
00:27:15,069 --> 00:27:16,570
That's cool. Even snakes?
518
00:27:16,737 --> 00:27:19,281
You can't exclude an animal just
because they're not cuddly.
519
00:27:19,447 --> 00:27:20,823
Of course I like snakes.
520
00:27:20,990 --> 00:27:22,950
How about trouser snakes?
521
00:27:23,367 --> 00:27:24,994
What's a trouser snake?
522
00:27:29,748 --> 00:27:31,623
What the fuck are you waiting for.
523
00:27:31,790 --> 00:27:33,709
She went for the set-up...
524
00:27:33,751 --> 00:27:35,545
reach in your pants
and pull your cock out, bitch.
525
00:27:35,795 --> 00:27:38,005
Girls like that kind of shit.
526
00:27:40,591 --> 00:27:42,676
Right here is where the angel
is supposed to show up...
527
00:27:42,842 --> 00:27:44,177
and tell you not to pull your dick out,
528
00:27:44,302 --> 00:27:47,013
but we bitch-slapped that mother fucker
and sent him packing...
529
00:27:47,221 --> 00:27:48,930
so it's smooth sailing.
530
00:27:49,097 --> 00:27:50,932
Let him rip, boy.
531
00:27:56,102 --> 00:28:00,397
"Jesus loves the little children".
532
00:28:00,564 --> 00:28:01,899
Sorry I'm late.
533
00:28:02,024 --> 00:28:04,234
What's the deal?
534
00:28:05,027 --> 00:28:07,362
Oh, shit-don't tell me you're thinking
of whipping your dick out...
535
00:28:07,570 --> 00:28:09,989
at this fine piece of woman, are you?
536
00:28:10,948 --> 00:28:14,826
Look over at Silent Bob and
see if he thinks it's a good idea...
537
00:28:14,993 --> 00:28:17,079
to whip your dick out.
538
00:28:18,997 --> 00:28:21,917
That's it. Put the dick down.
539
00:28:22,084 --> 00:28:23,335
You got to go from heart.
540
00:28:23,501 --> 00:28:27,463
No little perv bullshit is gonna work
for this one.
541
00:28:27,630 --> 00:28:30,798
Be smooth. Be Don Juan De La Nooch.
542
00:28:31,423 --> 00:28:34,386
I gotta go beat the shit out of
two sucker punching little bitches.
543
00:28:34,552 --> 00:28:37,721
Remember- don't pull your dick out
until she asks.
544
00:28:38,263 --> 00:28:40,307
Or until she's sleeping.
545
00:28:45,561 --> 00:28:46,479
Don't ask.
546
00:28:46,688 --> 00:28:48,105
So what can a smooth pimp-daddy
like me...
547
00:28:48,188 --> 00:28:49,606
do to help the animals?
548
00:28:49,815 --> 00:28:53,567
You really don't want to help us.
549
00:28:53,734 --> 00:28:54,485
What are you talking about?
550
00:28:54,652 --> 00:28:57,946
Sure I do. I'd do anything for you.
551
00:28:58,904 --> 00:29:01,323
I mean youse guys-
I 'd do anything for youse guys.
552
00:29:01,490 --> 00:29:03,033
Because of the lift and shit.
553
00:29:03,242 --> 00:29:07,953
Okay. Let me talk to the other girls
and get back to you.
554
00:29:08,120 --> 00:29:09,329
You do that.
555
00:29:09,538 --> 00:29:11,080
I'll be right here waiting.
556
00:29:26,928 --> 00:29:28,971
Fuck you, fatty.
557
00:29:49,155 --> 00:29:50,698
You guys want anything from inside?
558
00:29:50,864 --> 00:29:51,948
No, we're cool.
559
00:30:18,054 --> 00:30:19,680
It just isn't the same, is it?
560
00:30:20,555 --> 00:30:23,516
This place licks balls compared to
the Quick-Stop.
561
00:30:23,683 --> 00:30:26,226
Speaking of licking balls-
how about that Justice chick?
562
00:30:26,393 --> 00:30:27,770
She is too fine.
563
00:30:27,895 --> 00:30:30,315
And she smells so fucking pretty.
564
00:30:30,982 --> 00:30:34,108
She has a nice voice, too.
And that body!
565
00:30:34,233 --> 00:30:35,735
Fucking smoking.
566
00:30:35,902 --> 00:30:38,737
She didn't tell me to fuck off once
when I was talking to her...
567
00:30:38,904 --> 00:30:40,822
or pull out the pepper spray.
568
00:30:40,989 --> 00:30:44,825
You know,
lunch box-she could be the one.
569
00:30:46,577 --> 00:30:47,912
- Smooth move, Justice.
570
00:30:48,079 --> 00:30:49,579
- Nice going, four eyes.
571
00:30:50,497 --> 00:30:52,916
Why did you let that stoner throw Brent
out of the van?
572
00:30:53,124 --> 00:30:55,375
If I had to listen to one more of
those stupid songs...
573
00:30:55,583 --> 00:30:57,210
I was gonna throw him out myself.
574
00:30:57,293 --> 00:30:58,878
We needed Brent.
575
00:30:59,087 --> 00:31:00,463
He was our patsy, remember?
576
00:31:00,671 --> 00:31:02,005
We'll just find someone else.
577
00:31:02,214 --> 00:31:04,383
Besides, I didn't see you try to
stop Jay from throwing him out.
578
00:31:04,549 --> 00:31:06,425
I didn't want to blow our cover.
579
00:31:06,467 --> 00:31:08,261
Cover? You all hated his songs, too.
580
00:31:08,469 --> 00:31:09,553
Not as much as I hate you.
581
00:31:09,720 --> 00:31:11,639
We have a very simple gang.
582
00:31:11,764 --> 00:31:13,891
I'm the brains, Chrissy's the brawn
and Missy's the tech girl.
583
00:31:14,058 --> 00:31:17,019
But lately I'm can't figure out
what you're doing here.
584
00:31:17,186 --> 00:31:18,937
Your name doesn't even fit
the rhyme scheme.
585
00:31:19,062 --> 00:31:20,272
Since you let our patsy slip away...
586
00:31:20,438 --> 00:31:23,066
you have to convince the little kid
and the fat guy to take his place.
587
00:31:23,233 --> 00:31:25,192
They've gotta break into Provasik now.
588
00:31:27,237 --> 00:31:29,072
You'll do it or you're out of the gang.
589
00:31:29,281 --> 00:31:31,281
Just use the little one's crush on you
to convince him...
590
00:31:31,447 --> 00:31:33,908
since he's so fucking in love with you.
591
00:31:34,075 --> 00:31:35,617
Jay? No, he's not.
592
00:31:35,784 --> 00:31:36,827
Am I blind?
593
00:31:36,994 --> 00:31:38,453
He wasn't kissing your hand
in the van...
594
00:31:38,662 --> 00:31:40,497
like he was Lord Byron?
595
00:31:40,706 --> 00:31:42,999
Maybe he has manners?
596
00:31:44,709 --> 00:31:47,877
You ever had your asshole licked
by a fat man in an overcoat?
597
00:31:50,714 --> 00:31:52,215
We've got about two hours
before we get to Boulder.
598
00:31:52,340 --> 00:31:54,091
That'll give you plenty of time
to work on him.
599
00:31:54,133 --> 00:31:55,801
- I'm not gonna do it.
- Why the fuck not?
600
00:31:55,968 --> 00:31:57,970
Because he's just so innocent.
601
00:31:58,137 --> 00:31:59,095
Look at him.
602
00:32:01,806 --> 00:32:02,140
Who's it gonna be?
603
00:32:02,348 --> 00:32:03,766
Him or us?
604
00:32:06,976 --> 00:32:09,645
Steal a monkey? No problem.
605
00:32:09,854 --> 00:32:11,688
It's not stealing a monkey.
606
00:32:11,855 --> 00:32:14,274
It's liberating it. It's-
607
00:32:14,441 --> 00:32:15,775
Wait a second.
608
00:32:15,942 --> 00:32:17,234
Did you say "no problem"?
609
00:32:17,359 --> 00:32:19,403
Yeah, we steal monkeys all the time.
610
00:32:19,570 --> 00:32:21,530
Right, lunch-box?
611
00:32:22,822 --> 00:32:24,699
It's not like it's a bad thing.
612
00:32:24,866 --> 00:32:26,911
It's for a good cause.
613
00:32:27,077 --> 00:32:29,287
It's for the best cause, mon cheri.
614
00:32:29,370 --> 00:32:31,539
The cause of love.
615
00:32:32,707 --> 00:32:34,124
Snoogens.
616
00:32:34,333 --> 00:32:35,542
What the heck is that?
617
00:32:35,751 --> 00:32:38,378
- What?
- Snoogens, I believe.
618
00:32:38,545 --> 00:32:39,879
What the fuck do you think it means?
619
00:32:40,087 --> 00:32:42,006
It means I'm kidding.
620
00:32:42,214 --> 00:32:44,382
That's too bad.
621
00:32:51,429 --> 00:32:56,184
I can't believe I'm gonna get some
pussy for stealing a monkey.
622
00:32:59,102 --> 00:33:00,312
If I'd known that earlier...
623
00:33:00,479 --> 00:33:03,356
I'd have been stealing monkeys
since I was seven.
624
00:33:03,397 --> 00:33:06,234
Don't, mother fucker-
don't you ruin this for me.
625
00:33:06,400 --> 00:33:08,487
Me and Justice
are gonna get married some day...
626
00:33:08,528 --> 00:33:10,571
so don't be giving me no look like
we ain't gonna steal the monkey.
627
00:33:10,780 --> 00:33:12,448
I'm Morris Day, you're Jerome, bitch!
628
00:33:12,490 --> 00:33:14,033
Don't forget that.
629
00:33:14,200 --> 00:33:17,410
That girl- that girl is in love with me
630
00:33:17,619 --> 00:33:19,162
They're gonna do it.
631
00:33:19,329 --> 00:33:20,370
Good.
632
00:33:20,536 --> 00:33:22,538
They do their part and we'll do ours.
633
00:33:38,803 --> 00:33:41,097
Remember- we meet back here
when you're done.
634
00:33:41,681 --> 00:33:42,640
Are you sure you're okay with this?
635
00:33:42,807 --> 00:33:45,600
Sure as I am that you're the hottest
bitch I've ever seen.
636
00:33:45,809 --> 00:33:47,101
Easy...
637
00:33:47,268 --> 00:33:49,019
What's twisting this bitch's tit?
638
00:33:49,144 --> 00:33:52,480
Maybe it's because women don't
like to be called bitches, Jay.
639
00:33:52,647 --> 00:33:54,440
They don't?
640
00:33:54,607 --> 00:33:56,232
How about "fine piece of ass"?
641
00:33:56,357 --> 00:33:57,525
How about not.
642
00:33:57,692 --> 00:33:59,151
What the fuck am I supposed
to call you?
643
00:33:59,360 --> 00:34:01,111
Something sweet, you big goof.
644
00:34:01,278 --> 00:34:03,989
Something nice.
645
00:34:04,155 --> 00:34:06,200
Boo-boo kitty fuck?
646
00:34:06,367 --> 00:34:10,161
Okay, that's a start.
647
00:34:10,328 --> 00:34:11,246
Jay, before you go...
648
00:34:11,454 --> 00:34:13,956
could you say something into the camera
about the clitoris?
649
00:34:14,081 --> 00:34:16,417
- You are such a bitch!
- Shut up, Justice.
650
00:34:16,625 --> 00:34:19,252
She's a little embarrassed.
651
00:34:19,294 --> 00:34:21,797
We're making a documentary for
a human sexuality class...
652
00:34:21,964 --> 00:34:24,882
and we need a male perspective
on the clitoris.
653
00:34:25,049 --> 00:34:26,593
The female clitoris?
654
00:34:26,759 --> 00:34:28,011
Yeah.
655
00:34:28,177 --> 00:34:29,596
Jay, you don't have to do this.
656
00:34:29,637 --> 00:34:30,929
It's cool.
657
00:34:31,471 --> 00:34:33,222
There's a few things
I could say about the clit...
658
00:34:33,389 --> 00:34:35,892
that I'd like you to hear.
659
00:34:37,225 --> 00:34:39,603
I am the master of the clit.
660
00:34:39,769 --> 00:34:41,646
Remember this fucking face.
661
00:34:41,688 --> 00:34:43,522
Wherever you see clit,
you'll see this fucking face.
662
00:34:43,689 --> 00:34:45,232
I make that shit work.
663
00:34:45,399 --> 00:34:46,984
No one rules the clit like me.
664
00:34:47,192 --> 00:34:48,151
Not this little fuck.
665
00:34:48,359 --> 00:34:50,486
None of you little fucks out there.
666
00:34:50,653 --> 00:34:52,864
I am the clit commander.
667
00:34:53,031 --> 00:34:55,198
When it comes down
to business this is what I do.
668
00:34:55,365 --> 00:34:58,660
I pinch it like this-
Oh, you little fuck.
669
00:34:59,410 --> 00:35:01,871
And then I rub my nose-
670
00:35:02,038 --> 00:35:04,708
Awesome. Knock 'em dead, tiger.
671
00:35:04,875 --> 00:35:05,750
I will.
672
00:35:05,917 --> 00:35:06,876
Girls.
673
00:35:09,002 --> 00:35:12,087
Do you think I could get a little kiss
for good luck?
674
00:35:17,300 --> 00:35:20,971
Do you think I could get
a little blow job for good luck?
675
00:35:21,764 --> 00:35:23,931
No. Go.
676
00:35:29,435 --> 00:35:31,145
Get off my Kool-Aid, mother fucker.
677
00:35:45,240 --> 00:35:46,990
Jussy, come on.
678
00:36:22,980 --> 00:36:25,315
- Are they in?
- You could say that.
679
00:36:26,149 --> 00:36:27,525
Time to shine. Let's go.
680
00:37:24,864 --> 00:37:26,115
You are so gay.
681
00:37:33,371 --> 00:37:35,748
Once we get upstairs
I want complete silence.
682
00:37:36,248 --> 00:37:38,166
Missy whipped this up-
it counts our decibel level.
683
00:37:38,374 --> 00:37:40,126
If it goes into the red- alarm,
we're dead.
684
00:37:40,752 --> 00:37:42,502
So that means not even
the slightest noise, you got that?
685
00:37:42,628 --> 00:37:43,795
Got it.
686
00:37:53,804 --> 00:37:54,846
Justice, move your ass.
687
00:38:19,409 --> 00:38:20,827
Check this shit out, lunch-box.
688
00:38:21,036 --> 00:38:22,079
Animal tranquilizers.
689
00:38:22,204 --> 00:38:25,039
This shit fucks you up- like percosets.
690
00:38:28,875 --> 00:38:32,254
Keep this, so later me and Justice
can shoot each other with it...
691
00:38:32,462 --> 00:38:34,797
and fuck like stoned test-bunnies.
692
00:38:57,774 --> 00:38:59,275
Suzanne.
693
00:39:00,860 --> 00:39:02,987
Boo-yah.
694
00:41:03,962 --> 00:41:06,505
Holy fuck! The little stoner was right!
695
00:41:19,057 --> 00:41:20,642
Boom-box.
696
00:41:21,476 --> 00:41:22,310
I can't believe it.
697
00:41:22,519 --> 00:41:23,019
Months of planning...
698
00:41:23,186 --> 00:41:24,645
and it's all blown by a fart.
699
00:41:24,812 --> 00:41:25,771
We can't just leave them here.
700
00:41:25,938 --> 00:41:27,690
That alarm will bring the cops
any minute.
701
00:41:27,857 --> 00:41:29,440
That's always been the plan.
702
00:41:29,482 --> 00:41:31,025
They take the heat off us long enough
'til we can get out of town.
703
00:41:37,030 --> 00:41:39,825
Ka-boom! You little stoner fucks.
704
00:41:39,950 --> 00:41:41,784
Let's go!
705
00:41:55,753 --> 00:41:57,046
What are you looking at?
706
00:41:57,088 --> 00:41:58,339
There ain't no snacks here.
707
00:41:58,881 --> 00:41:59,548
We got what we came for.
708
00:41:59,756 --> 00:42:01,300
Let's get outta here.
709
00:42:05,052 --> 00:42:05,887
I know it's sad.
710
00:42:06,053 --> 00:42:08,140
But what are we supposed
to do about it?
711
00:42:18,857 --> 00:42:20,484
Justice, open the door!
712
00:42:22,651 --> 00:42:23,819
Oh, shit!
713
00:42:32,326 --> 00:42:33,993
Drop the bag-now!!!
714
00:43:05,771 --> 00:43:07,856
Justice!
715
00:43:36,003 --> 00:43:37,921
You mind if I lean that there?
716
00:43:41,507 --> 00:43:42,884
My, oh my, oh my.
717
00:43:44,718 --> 00:43:46,929
Who let the cats out?
718
00:43:47,012 --> 00:43:49,180
Wait-is that-??
719
00:43:49,389 --> 00:43:51,141
Excuse me, who the hell are you?
720
00:43:52,016 --> 00:43:53,184
Federal Wildlife Marshall.
721
00:43:53,351 --> 00:43:55,477
This investigation is now
under my jurisdiction.
722
00:43:55,686 --> 00:43:56,353
Really? Why is that?
723
00:43:56,520 --> 00:43:59,398
Because someone let a whole mess of
animals out of their cages, sir.
724
00:43:59,565 --> 00:44:01,232
We believe that was just
a diversionary tactic used...
725
00:44:01,399 --> 00:44:04,278
to call attention away from
the real heist at the Diamond Exchange.
726
00:44:04,403 --> 00:44:06,821
Yeah, right.
That's a believable scenario.
727
00:44:06,863 --> 00:44:09,282
Sounds more like something out of
a bad movie.
728
00:44:12,367 --> 00:44:15,703
The Provasik people say
they've rounded up all their animals...
729
00:44:15,870 --> 00:44:18,872
except for one-an orangutan.
730
00:44:19,789 --> 00:44:21,875
The most dangerous animal known to man.
731
00:44:22,917 --> 00:44:24,460
Sir,
this was just delivered to the station.
732
00:44:24,543 --> 00:44:26,044
What is it?
733
00:44:26,920 --> 00:44:29,131
It's a tape from the terrorists who
claim responsibility for the break-in.
734
00:44:29,256 --> 00:44:31,174
Do you have a VCR?
735
00:44:31,215 --> 00:44:32,967
I am the clit commander.
736
00:44:33,176 --> 00:44:34,635
Oh, my God!
737
00:44:36,303 --> 00:44:37,804
Blafsky, it's Willenholly.
738
00:44:37,971 --> 00:44:40,892
I need you to get me on
the national news, pronto.
739
00:44:41,058 --> 00:44:42,767
Why?
740
00:44:42,934 --> 00:44:44,644
Because we may be dealing with...
741
00:44:44,811 --> 00:44:46,938
the two most dangerous men on
the planet.
742
00:44:55,652 --> 00:44:57,196
This is Jussy's monkey.
743
00:45:00,614 --> 00:45:02,742
Justice died for you,
you little monkey fuck!
744
00:45:05,619 --> 00:45:06,953
Do something, tons of fun.
745
00:45:10,706 --> 00:45:13,000
Is that thing waving at us?
746
00:45:15,795 --> 00:45:17,295
It understood us.
747
00:45:18,171 --> 00:45:19,339
Maybe it's some kind of supermonkey?
748
00:45:26,136 --> 00:45:27,553
You're my bitch!
749
00:45:27,678 --> 00:45:28,678
You get my back.
750
00:45:28,845 --> 00:45:31,139
Don't go taking
this fucking chimp's side.
751
00:45:45,693 --> 00:45:48,113
What if there are more
super monkeys up at that lab?
752
00:45:48,321 --> 00:45:50,532
Maybe they're making an army of
them up there?
753
00:45:50,949 --> 00:45:52,491
Holy shit!
754
00:45:52,658 --> 00:45:54,952
Maybe it's a conspiracy,
like in the "X-Files"...
755
00:45:55,619 --> 00:45:56,912
Roswell style?
756
00:45:59,872 --> 00:46:02,626
This little monkey can be
the fucking damn dirty apes
757
00:46:02,835 --> 00:46:06,044
responsible for fall of
the human race
758
00:46:07,420 --> 00:46:10,464
and this world got mad
we won't spank the monkey
759
00:46:10,631 --> 00:46:12,925
The monkey will spank us.
760
00:46:13,884 --> 00:46:17,762
I'm not even supposed to be here today.
761
00:46:17,929 --> 00:46:20,265
Eaten alive.
762
00:46:20,347 --> 00:46:22,683
Then these monkey fucks
will start wearing our clothes...
763
00:46:22,808 --> 00:46:25,561
and rebuilding the world in their image
764
00:46:27,019 --> 00:46:28,312
And only those...
765
00:46:28,521 --> 00:46:33,859
as super smart will be left a live...
766
00:46:34,192 --> 00:46:35,318
You maniacs!
767
00:46:35,485 --> 00:46:36,820
Damn youse!
768
00:46:36,987 --> 00:46:41,406
God damn youse all to hell!
769
00:46:43,283 --> 00:46:45,367
Not on my watch, mother fucker.
770
00:46:45,576 --> 00:46:47,870
Die, you super-monkey fuck!
771
00:46:56,752 --> 00:46:59,380
Alright, you can live. For now.
772
00:47:01,840 --> 00:47:03,967
You see that shit. Bitches love me.
773
00:47:04,676 --> 00:47:05,552
Let's get something to eat.
774
00:47:08,345 --> 00:47:09,764
We ain't hiding in the woods no more.
775
00:47:09,805 --> 00:47:11,182
We gotta get to Hollywood.
776
00:47:11,807 --> 00:47:13,600
Besides, we're in the clear.
777
00:47:13,641 --> 00:47:15,393
It's not like anyone knows
we stole the monkey.
778
00:47:18,686 --> 00:47:21,189
I'm Reg Hartner with an exclusive
News Now bulletin.
779
00:47:21,355 --> 00:47:25,734
A Provasik animal testing facility
in Boulder was the focus of an attack
780
00:47:25,901 --> 00:47:28,653
by a terroristic primate rescue
syndicate calling themselves...
781
00:47:28,820 --> 00:47:32,573
The Coalition for Liberation of
Itinerant Tree Dwellers...
782
00:47:32,782 --> 00:47:35,077
or simply C.L.I.T.
783
00:47:35,285 --> 00:47:37,453
In a videotape sent to
authorities this morning...
784
00:47:37,703 --> 00:47:39,872
credit for the liberation of
an orangutan from the lab last night...
785
00:47:39,997 --> 00:47:44,125
is taken by these men, identified
in literature that accompanied the tape
786
00:47:44,292 --> 00:47:47,545
as Jay and Silent Bob.
787
00:47:47,711 --> 00:47:49,755
In this chilling clip, they make it
very clear that they...
788
00:47:49,922 --> 00:47:52,924
are in control... of the C.L.I.T.
789
00:47:53,507 --> 00:47:54,966
We are the C.L.I.T.
None of you are safe.
790
00:47:55,133 --> 00:47:57,428
Now tremble before
my remorseless leader.
791
00:47:57,637 --> 00:47:59,971
I am the clit commander.
792
00:48:00,138 --> 00:48:01,139
Terrifying.
793
00:48:01,932 --> 00:48:02,808
Here to help us explain this footage...
794
00:48:02,933 --> 00:48:05,392
is Federal Wildlife
Marshall Willenholly.
795
00:48:05,601 --> 00:48:07,061
Marshall, thanks for joining us.
796
00:48:07,228 --> 00:48:10,189
At this point, what can you tell us
about the C.L.I.T?
797
00:48:10,231 --> 00:48:13,190
From the intelligence we've been
gathering, we've discovered...
798
00:48:13,315 --> 00:48:17,110
that the C.L.I.T. Is actually
a tiny offshoot of the L.A.B.I.A.
799
00:48:17,318 --> 00:48:18,945
The Liberate Apes Before
Imprisoning Apes movement.
800
00:48:18,986 --> 00:48:20,613
Exactly.
801
00:48:20,738 --> 00:48:22,365
The two men that you saw in the video
802
00:48:22,572 --> 00:48:26,410
go by the obvious code names
of Jay and Silent Bob.
803
00:48:26,451 --> 00:48:30,245
If anyone out there should come
across them or any other Clitties...
804
00:48:30,412 --> 00:48:32,790
please exercise extreme caution.
805
00:48:32,998 --> 00:48:35,208
I told you that restraining order
was a good idea.
806
00:48:35,250 --> 00:48:37,419
What response do you hope to elicit...
807
00:48:37,585 --> 00:48:40,045
by putting this kind
of pressure on the C.L.I. T?
808
00:48:40,295 --> 00:48:41,463
It's a difficult situation.
809
00:48:41,672 --> 00:48:42,923
You don't want to rub the C.L.I.T.
The wrong way.
810
00:48:43,090 --> 00:48:46,843
Nights like this,
I miss dating a lesbian.
811
00:48:47,760 --> 00:48:48,928
Is that your cell phone, sir?
812
00:48:49,095 --> 00:48:52,764
Blavsky, give me a frigging break.
813
00:48:52,931 --> 00:48:53,682
I'm on my way.
814
00:48:53,890 --> 00:48:55,101
We've got them. They're in Utah.
815
00:48:55,268 --> 00:48:59,896
Citizens of Utah, stimulation of
the C.L.I.T. Is not recommended.
816
00:49:00,647 --> 00:49:01,732
Your plan worked.
817
00:49:01,898 --> 00:49:05,109
The news is all about Jay
and Bob's Provasik break-in.
818
00:49:05,317 --> 00:49:06,901
With almost no mention of
the diamond heist.
819
00:49:06,943 --> 00:49:08,528
I told you those two
were the perfect patsies.
820
00:49:08,653 --> 00:49:09,737
Don't you have any regret?
821
00:49:09,945 --> 00:49:11,447
Jay and Bob don't deserve this.
822
00:49:11,655 --> 00:49:13,699
They were really sweet.
823
00:49:13,741 --> 00:49:15,700
The only thing I regret is not gutting
that trout-mouthed prick...
824
00:49:15,867 --> 00:49:18,619
like a fish and playing twister
with his vitals.
825
00:49:19,746 --> 00:49:20,747
I don't get you, Justice.
826
00:49:20,996 --> 00:49:23,165
You used to be all about
this girl stuff.
827
00:49:23,206 --> 00:49:25,250
Stealing, boning, blowing shit up.
828
00:49:25,417 --> 00:49:27,293
Now you're this little priss
with a conscience.
829
00:49:27,418 --> 00:49:28,836
It's really a drag.
830
00:49:28,878 --> 00:49:30,297
We all have to grow up sometime.
831
00:49:30,464 --> 00:49:33,174
If moping around over some boy
you've got a crush on is growing up...
832
00:49:33,340 --> 00:49:36,010
then pass me my Wonder-Woman Underoos.
833
00:49:36,761 --> 00:49:38,261
Marvelous Pizza coming through.
834
00:49:38,428 --> 00:49:40,388
You the guys who ordered the pizza?
835
00:49:40,555 --> 00:49:42,056
This dopey bitch ordered a large plain,
836
00:49:42,222 --> 00:49:45,975
but I could go for some ht,
thick Sicilian.
837
00:49:47,143 --> 00:49:48,519
No charge, lady.
838
00:49:48,685 --> 00:49:49,728
Hurry.
839
00:49:56,484 --> 00:49:57,777
I'm sorry, Jay.
840
00:50:01,738 --> 00:50:03,823
Justice died trying to save this monkey
841
00:50:03,990 --> 00:50:05,450
so maybe we should keep it around.
842
00:50:05,617 --> 00:50:06,576
They way...
843
00:50:06,785 --> 00:50:08,911
we could honor her memory.
844
00:50:11,580 --> 00:50:13,623
Now ain't you glad we came here to eat?
845
00:50:13,790 --> 00:50:16,834
And you were all scared we'd get busted
by the cops or something.
846
00:50:17,376 --> 00:50:18,585
You know what I say?
847
00:50:18,794 --> 00:50:19,752
Fuck the Police.
848
00:50:19,960 --> 00:50:22,588
Fuck-Fuck-Fuck the Police!
849
00:50:22,797 --> 00:50:24,839
Yo, fuck-fuck the Police!
850
00:50:24,881 --> 00:50:26,383
Yo, fuck-fuck the Police!
851
00:50:26,466 --> 00:50:27,927
Yo, fuck me!
852
00:50:28,094 --> 00:50:30,471
This is the Utah State Police.
853
00:50:31,137 --> 00:50:33,264
Boys, we know you're in there.
854
00:50:33,431 --> 00:50:35,809
Come on out with your hands in the air
855
00:50:36,017 --> 00:50:38,894
and surrender the orangutan.
856
00:50:39,103 --> 00:50:41,063
Think they're talking about us?
857
00:50:47,527 --> 00:50:49,694
Sorry. Don't shoot. Hold your fire.
858
00:50:50,404 --> 00:50:51,447
Who the hell are you?
859
00:50:51,697 --> 00:50:53,282
Federal Wildlife Marshall.
860
00:50:53,491 --> 00:50:54,533
Is the monkey in there?
861
00:50:54,782 --> 00:50:55,241
The ape.
862
00:50:55,449 --> 00:50:55,950
What?
863
00:50:56,117 --> 00:50:57,701
Orangutan is a member of
the great ape family.
864
00:50:57,910 --> 00:50:58,619
It's not a monkey.
865
00:50:58,786 --> 00:51:00,704
Who's the Federal Wildlife
Marshall here?
866
00:51:00,870 --> 00:51:02,038
Me or you?
867
00:51:02,205 --> 00:51:03,248
That's what thought.
868
00:51:03,289 --> 00:51:04,290
Can I use your-
869
00:51:07,418 --> 00:51:11,504
Jay and Silent Bob-
Your C.L.I.T. Doesn't stand a chance.
870
00:51:11,546 --> 00:51:15,591
Anyone not harboring a fugitive monkey
in there should hit the deck.
871
00:51:15,758 --> 00:51:16,926
We are going to open fire.
872
00:51:19,511 --> 00:51:20,554
What are you waiting for?
873
00:51:20,721 --> 00:51:22,305
Get out there and give them the monkey.
874
00:51:24,765 --> 00:51:26,517
Maybe it ain't so bad at that lab?
875
00:51:26,559 --> 00:51:28,269
Maybe they experiment on them...
876
00:51:28,436 --> 00:51:30,395
by making them fuck a bunch of
different good-looking monkeys?
877
00:51:30,603 --> 00:51:31,770
We don't know.
878
00:51:32,521 --> 00:51:33,731
You stay out of this,
you weepy little chimp.
879
00:51:33,897 --> 00:51:37,358
Fuck, you're the guy
who makes the blueprints.
880
00:51:37,567 --> 00:51:39,944
I don't have the fucking smarts of
a little...
881
00:51:43,739 --> 00:51:45,323
kid.
882
00:51:45,490 --> 00:51:46,741
Do not shoot!
883
00:51:49,870 --> 00:51:53,164
We're just trying to take our son
out of this hostile environment.
884
00:51:53,289 --> 00:51:54,665
Their son?
885
00:51:54,832 --> 00:51:56,333
Maybe they're one of those gay couples?
886
00:51:56,459 --> 00:51:58,376
Yeah, we're gay.
887
00:51:58,543 --> 00:52:00,211
And this is our adopted love child.
888
00:52:00,462 --> 00:52:01,838
We're not from around here.
889
00:52:02,422 --> 00:52:04,423
Don't makes us go back to
our liberal city home...
890
00:52:04,673 --> 00:52:08,176
with tales of prejudice
and bigotry from the heart of Utah.
891
00:52:08,342 --> 00:52:10,886
This is the last thing I need.
892
00:52:10,927 --> 00:52:13,346
Uppity homosexuals shooting
their mouths off to the...
893
00:52:13,513 --> 00:52:17,349
liberal media that the Federal Wildlife
Office persecutes gays.
894
00:52:17,516 --> 00:52:19,602
Are you fucking crazy?
They may be gay...
895
00:52:19,685 --> 00:52:21,728
but that's not their son-
that's the ape!
896
00:52:21,895 --> 00:52:24,315
I think I would recognize an ape
if I saw one.
897
00:52:24,523 --> 00:52:26,650
And the only thing
I do recognize right now...
898
00:52:26,817 --> 00:52:30,070
is a political fiasco that
I'm about to avoid...
899
00:52:30,236 --> 00:52:32,655
by letting
this butt-fucking Brady bunch go.
900
00:52:37,618 --> 00:52:39,786
You are free to leave, sirs.
901
00:52:41,245 --> 00:52:42,663
Yes, you, sirs.
902
00:52:42,705 --> 00:52:44,081
So we can just go?
903
00:52:44,289 --> 00:52:44,914
Yes, sir.
904
00:52:45,081 --> 00:52:47,626
Please accept my apology for
detaining you and your...
905
00:52:47,793 --> 00:52:51,337
unorthodox but constitutionally
protected family unit.
906
00:52:52,129 --> 00:52:53,839
Un-fucking-believable.
907
00:52:54,006 --> 00:52:57,884
I might add, that is one fine
looking young boy you're raising.
908
00:52:58,009 --> 00:52:59,677
That's because he's from my sperm.
909
00:53:00,387 --> 00:53:02,220
K knocked up this hot,
woman friend of ours...
910
00:53:02,387 --> 00:53:04,847
who fuck on the side so as not to be
all-the-way gay.
911
00:53:05,098 --> 00:53:08,225
But my tubby husband-
He's one hundred percent queer.
912
00:53:08,392 --> 00:53:09,768
He loves the cock.
913
00:53:10,769 --> 00:53:12,729
He certainly looks insatiable.
914
00:53:13,688 --> 00:53:15,022
Bye-bye.
915
00:53:21,528 --> 00:53:23,988
It's not my way, but I'll be damned
if that isn't one happy family.
916
00:53:26,407 --> 00:53:28,867
Alright, gang-let's just shoot
some tear gas into the diner...
917
00:53:29,076 --> 00:53:31,577
and when the guys come out
with the monkey-
918
00:53:31,744 --> 00:53:33,121
Fuck beans!
919
00:53:33,204 --> 00:53:34,497
That was them, wasn't it?
920
00:53:34,664 --> 00:53:36,624
I said you love the cock.
921
00:53:37,207 --> 00:53:39,835
I have to be the craftiest
mother fucker alive.
922
00:53:43,295 --> 00:53:44,547
Flee, fat-ass, flee!
923
00:53:53,681 --> 00:53:55,515
Head for the sewer!
924
00:54:11,028 --> 00:54:12,153
You fat fuck!
925
00:54:13,070 --> 00:54:15,406
Fire a warning shot
into his bulbous ass.
926
00:54:17,158 --> 00:54:19,493
Suck it in. Think thin!
927
00:54:20,369 --> 00:54:21,746
One rectal breach coming up.
928
00:54:22,413 --> 00:54:24,080
Suck it in!
929
00:54:24,122 --> 00:54:25,749
Incoming!
930
00:54:35,380 --> 00:54:36,673
Just like Winnie the Pooh.
931
00:54:41,134 --> 00:54:44,889
That was an incredibly daring escape.
932
00:54:45,848 --> 00:54:47,223
Here's the deal.
933
00:54:47,390 --> 00:54:48,725
You and your men stay up here.
934
00:54:48,933 --> 00:54:51,603
When I corner him, I'll call for backup.
935
00:54:52,811 --> 00:54:54,855
I'm counting on you, Sheriff.
936
00:54:56,607 --> 00:54:57,775
You've taught me so much.
937
00:55:09,492 --> 00:55:11,618
Fuck this asshole.
938
00:55:11,785 --> 00:55:14,496
Let's go back to the station and
cornhole us a drunk.
939
00:55:20,085 --> 00:55:22,920
Don't fuck your word...
I swear to God.
940
00:55:24,880 --> 00:55:27,007
Put the monkey down and your hands up!
941
00:55:29,759 --> 00:55:31,386
Let's go, misters.
942
00:55:31,427 --> 00:55:33,012
You want to get shot?
943
00:55:33,221 --> 00:55:34,888
I didn't think so.
944
00:55:35,055 --> 00:55:37,891
She doesn't want to go back to the lab.
945
00:55:38,058 --> 00:55:40,601
And for the record...
I ain't gay.
946
00:55:40,768 --> 00:55:43,105
And for the record,
while we're on the subject...
947
00:55:43,271 --> 00:55:45,772
I knew that wasn't a real little boy.
948
00:55:46,564 --> 00:55:49,359
For one more record- he loves the cock.
949
00:55:50,193 --> 00:55:52,152
On your knees, Texas Pete.
950
00:55:52,361 --> 00:55:53,112
Let's go.
951
00:55:53,612 --> 00:55:55,864
You see- he's lining us up like
fucking circus seals.
952
00:55:56,781 --> 00:55:57,615
I'm going first.
953
00:55:57,782 --> 00:55:59,909
I don't want a mouth full of
monkey spit...
954
00:56:00,076 --> 00:56:01,411
if I gotta blow this G-man.
955
00:56:01,536 --> 00:56:02,661
What are you talking about?
956
00:56:02,828 --> 00:56:05,038
No one's gonna get blown here-
957
00:56:07,332 --> 00:56:09,875
Shit!
958
00:56:11,711 --> 00:56:14,546
These guys are good. Very good.
959
00:56:22,011 --> 00:56:23,845
Hey, law-dog.
960
00:56:26,471 --> 00:56:28,724
See you in Hell, cock-smoker.
961
00:56:29,808 --> 00:56:32,601
Oh, Fuck me.
962
00:56:57,290 --> 00:56:59,833
Get the fuck off her-
that's my ex-girlfriend's monkey.
963
00:57:03,044 --> 00:57:06,047
Hey, that monkey don't belong to you.
964
00:57:13,595 --> 00:57:15,388
Who the fuck just steals a monkey?
965
00:57:18,058 --> 00:57:19,099
Oh, yeah.
966
00:57:19,266 --> 00:57:20,225
This blows.
967
00:57:20,392 --> 00:57:23,187
We have one more day to stop
these fucks from shooting this movie.
968
00:57:23,354 --> 00:57:26,814
They took the one thing I had left
from the one woman I loved enough...
969
00:57:26,939 --> 00:57:29,192
not to stick my hand down her pants.
970
00:57:31,568 --> 00:57:32,569
Go after the monkey?
971
00:57:32,736 --> 00:57:34,237
How do we know where that car is going?
972
00:57:37,656 --> 00:57:39,825
Don't just point.
973
00:57:42,202 --> 00:57:43,119
What, you gotta take a shit?
974
00:57:44,704 --> 00:57:45,830
No, you gotta take a salad.
975
00:57:47,414 --> 00:57:48,749
What the fuck are you trying to say?
976
00:57:49,124 --> 00:57:50,041
Say it!
977
00:57:50,083 --> 00:57:50,958
Don't make me ask twenty questions.
978
00:57:51,125 --> 00:57:54,127
You could always tell that
stupid Amy story all the time...
979
00:57:54,169 --> 00:57:57,130
but you can't spit out
"Jay, I disagree," or...
980
00:57:57,255 --> 00:57:59,382
"those are some good cheese fries".
981
00:58:01,509 --> 00:58:03,219
Just fucking say it!
982
00:58:04,928 --> 00:58:07,597
The sign on the back of the car...
983
00:58:07,806 --> 00:58:10,434
said "Critters of Hollywood"...
984
00:58:10,934 --> 00:58:12,518
you dumb fuck!
985
00:58:18,272 --> 00:58:19,565
Say it, don't spray it.
986
00:58:22,442 --> 00:58:26,196
And might I add, that is
one fine-looking boy you are raising.
987
00:58:33,035 --> 00:58:35,578
If it isn't the wildlife expert.
988
00:58:36,246 --> 00:58:38,040
Your office faxed this over.
989
00:58:38,708 --> 00:58:41,001
The guy said it was a post from
an internet chat board...
990
00:58:41,042 --> 00:58:43,336
signed by a Jay & Silent Bob.
991
00:58:46,338 --> 00:58:48,715
"All you mother fuckers are gonna pay."
992
00:58:48,923 --> 00:58:51,550
"You are the ones who are ball lickers"
993
00:58:51,717 --> 00:58:53,468
"We're gonna fuck your mothers
while you watch and cry..."
994
00:58:53,635 --> 00:58:58,055
"like little bitches.
Once we get to Hollywood, we're-"
995
00:58:58,681 --> 00:59:00,057
They're going to Hollywood.
996
00:59:24,119 --> 00:59:25,037
It's not like cheating.
997
00:59:25,203 --> 00:59:26,745
Justice blew up.
998
00:59:27,746 --> 00:59:28,830
Here's the plan.
999
00:59:28,955 --> 00:59:31,166
First we find out
where they're shooting this movie.
1000
00:59:31,333 --> 00:59:34,835
And after we bust that shit up,
we can start looking for the monkey.
1001
00:59:35,045 --> 00:59:36,212
But before we do any of that,
1002
00:59:36,379 --> 00:59:38,297
we gotta find a mother fucker
in the know.
1003
00:59:38,464 --> 00:59:39,757
Someone like the Mayor of Hollywood.
1004
00:59:39,923 --> 00:59:41,300
Crack. Want some crack.
1005
00:59:42,426 --> 00:59:43,510
Get you high.
1006
00:59:43,676 --> 00:59:45,428
No, but do you want some weed?
1007
00:59:46,346 --> 00:59:47,847
Are you on the job?
1008
00:59:48,014 --> 00:59:50,724
Yeah. Jersey local 404.
1009
00:59:52,517 --> 00:59:55,103
Pumpkin Escobar, Los Angeles local 305.
1010
00:59:55,145 --> 00:59:57,688
- What up?
1011
00:59:58,731 --> 01:00:00,274
- Man, it's a small world.
1012
01:00:00,440 --> 01:00:01,607
Let me ask you a question.
1013
01:00:01,774 --> 01:00:03,943
You dudes getting medical out
there in Jersey?
1014
01:00:04,151 --> 01:00:06,696
No.
We might have to strike in September.
1015
01:00:06,863 --> 01:00:09,782
Norma Rae like a mother fucker.
1016
01:00:09,949 --> 01:00:10,824
Maybe you can help us out?
1017
01:00:10,991 --> 01:00:12,825
You know where they're shooting
a movie around here?
1018
01:00:12,992 --> 01:00:14,869
You ask me a question like that
in Holly-weird?
1019
01:00:15,036 --> 01:00:17,872
You got to come a little
more specific than that.
1020
01:00:18,039 --> 01:00:18,914
It's a Miramax flick.
1021
01:00:19,081 --> 01:00:20,082
We gotta bust it up...
1022
01:00:20,290 --> 01:00:22,042
so people stop calling us names
on the internet...
1023
01:00:22,250 --> 01:00:23,627
even though they're not really
talking about us...
1024
01:00:23,835 --> 01:00:26,587
but characters based on us,
and at the same time...
1025
01:00:26,754 --> 01:00:30,007
find my ex-girlfriend's, who was killed
in a car explosion, monkey.
1026
01:00:31,091 --> 01:00:34,553
Man, I don't know what the fuck
you just said, little kid...
1027
01:00:34,720 --> 01:00:36,804
but you're special.
1028
01:00:36,971 --> 01:00:38,180
You reached out...
1029
01:00:38,347 --> 01:00:40,808
and you touched a brother's gear.
1030
01:00:41,517 --> 01:00:42,725
I'm gonna give you some directions.
1031
01:00:42,892 --> 01:00:43,810
Give me the map, Scott.
1032
01:00:44,435 --> 01:00:45,561
Give me the map, Scott!
1033
01:00:46,145 --> 01:00:47,272
You know where Miramax is?
1034
01:00:47,980 --> 01:00:52,109
Miramax accounts for 78%
of my business out here.
1035
01:00:55,528 --> 01:00:57,655
Is Hollywood ready for
Jay and Silent Bob?
1036
01:00:57,780 --> 01:01:00,573
A source at a Federal Wildlife
Marshall's office tells us...
1037
01:01:00,699 --> 01:01:03,702
that a posting was pulled off
an internet movie chat board...
1038
01:01:03,827 --> 01:01:07,371
allegedly written by
the two domestic terrorists themselves.
1039
01:01:07,538 --> 01:01:09,957
It's sending a shock-wave
through Hollywood.
1040
01:01:09,999 --> 01:01:12,292
Jules Asner is on the scene at
Miramax Studios. Jules-
1041
01:01:12,458 --> 01:01:16,169
Steve, the tenor of Tinsletown is
one of terror today...
1042
01:01:16,295 --> 01:01:18,963
after the Federal Wildlife Marshall's
Office has learned that...
1043
01:01:19,130 --> 01:01:22,674
hot new terrorists Jay and Silent Bob
have targeted Miramax studios...
1044
01:01:22,841 --> 01:01:26,678
for their next campaign of blood,
violence and monkey theft.
1045
01:01:26,886 --> 01:01:29,888
In a posting pulled off of Movie
Poop-Shoot. Com...
1046
01:01:30,764 --> 01:01:32,601
the gruesome two-some threatened,
and I quote...
1047
01:01:32,809 --> 01:01:36,854
"Once we get to Hollywood and find
those Miramax expletive deleted..."
1048
01:01:37,062 --> 01:01:39,064
"who are making the Bluntman &
Chronic movie..."
1049
01:01:39,189 --> 01:01:41,816
"we're gonna make them eat
our expletive deleted..."
1050
01:01:44,611 --> 01:01:47,696
"then eat their expletive deleted
which is made up of..."
1051
01:01:47,863 --> 01:01:51,449
"our expletive deleted that
we made them eat." Unquote.
1052
01:01:51,657 --> 01:01:53,658
So far we've been unable to
get a statement...
1053
01:01:53,783 --> 01:01:55,327
from anyone here at the Studio.
1054
01:01:55,493 --> 01:01:58,287
But no sign of Jay and Silent Bob?
1055
01:01:58,495 --> 01:01:59,538
None whatsoever.
1056
01:01:59,747 --> 01:02:02,000
But to be fair, no one is a
hundred percent sure...
1057
01:02:02,042 --> 01:02:04,209
what Jay and Silent Bob
exactly look like...
1058
01:02:04,335 --> 01:02:06,629
so for all we know they could
already be on the lot.
1059
01:02:28,687 --> 01:02:31,566
OK, he's got a pass.
Let him in.
1060
01:02:33,108 --> 01:02:36,070
We gotta play this just right.
1061
01:02:46,786 --> 01:02:48,704
You don't have a pass!
1062
01:03:09,763 --> 01:03:11,598
I hate how fake Hollywood is.
1063
01:03:12,266 --> 01:03:14,558
Where do you think you're going?
1064
01:03:18,312 --> 01:03:21,564
Echo base, I've got a 1007-
Two unauthorized on the lot.
1065
01:03:21,731 --> 01:03:22,983
Requesting back-up.
1066
01:03:23,149 --> 01:03:24,651
I thought that was a 1082.
1067
01:03:24,818 --> 01:03:26,902
No, sir,
a 1082 is disappearing a dead hooker...
1068
01:03:27,069 --> 01:03:28,655
from Ben Affleck's trailer.
1069
01:03:28,780 --> 01:03:29,781
Oh, that Affleck.
1070
01:03:29,948 --> 01:03:31,156
Back-up on the way.
1071
01:03:31,240 --> 01:03:32,408
I'll make you a deal.
1072
01:03:32,575 --> 01:03:35,077
This guy will suck your
dick off if you let us go.
1073
01:03:35,244 --> 01:03:36,578
Contrary to what you believe...
1074
01:03:36,744 --> 01:03:39,621
not everyone in the industry
is a homosexual.
1075
01:03:39,830 --> 01:03:42,249
How about this deal?
1076
01:03:42,290 --> 01:03:44,667
He'll suck my dick while you
watch and jerk-off?
1077
01:03:46,752 --> 01:03:47,545
Alright.
1078
01:03:49,588 --> 01:03:51,756
Make it fast-and sexy.
1079
01:03:52,632 --> 01:03:53,675
It's either this or jail.
1080
01:03:54,341 --> 01:03:55,927
And you know
what they do to you in jail.
1081
01:03:56,720 --> 01:03:57,721
I was a guard.
1082
01:04:02,016 --> 01:04:05,685
And after it's all over you say,
"Ooh, what a lovely tea party."
1083
01:04:16,902 --> 01:04:18,444
What the fuck you waiting for, bitch?
1084
01:04:18,652 --> 01:04:20,029
Start sucking.
1085
01:04:31,581 --> 01:04:32,373
Worth a shot.
1086
01:04:33,583 --> 01:04:35,542
Like a shot in the fucking mouth,
you gay bitch.
1087
01:04:36,668 --> 01:04:39,004
Dude,
you were gonna really suck my dick.
1088
01:04:44,634 --> 01:04:46,010
Remember what I said.
1089
01:04:46,218 --> 01:04:51,097
Do not look at Ben or Matt directly
in the eyes or you will be fired.
1090
01:04:51,264 --> 01:04:53,139
Does everybody understand that?
1091
01:04:53,307 --> 01:04:54,600
Thank you.
1092
01:04:57,937 --> 01:04:59,854
You frosted your hair.
1093
01:05:01,439 --> 01:05:03,650
Yeah, I frosted my hair,
but it looks good.
1094
01:05:04,566 --> 01:05:07,152
This has got to be the Bluntman flick.
1095
01:05:07,194 --> 01:05:09,404
There are those two fucks
from the Mork movie.
1096
01:05:09,446 --> 01:05:11,572
Lips-Teeth time or Lion Face?
1097
01:05:11,781 --> 01:05:16,576
Lion face! Lemon face!
1098
01:05:16,743 --> 01:05:17,786
Break it down.
1099
01:05:17,994 --> 01:05:19,704
Where we taking it from, Gus?
1100
01:05:22,748 --> 01:05:23,707
I'm busy.
1101
01:05:23,916 --> 01:05:25,293
You're a true artist, Gus.
1102
01:05:25,418 --> 01:05:26,503
Let's just take it from
"it's a good course".
1103
01:05:26,544 --> 01:05:27,586
You're the director now?
1104
01:05:27,753 --> 01:05:28,628
Shove it, "Bounce"-boy.
1105
01:05:28,795 --> 01:05:29,587
Let's remember who talked who...
1106
01:05:29,754 --> 01:05:31,548
into doing this shit in the first place
1107
01:05:31,673 --> 01:05:33,215
Talking me into "Dogma" is one thing,
but-.
1108
01:05:33,382 --> 01:05:37,135
I'm sorry I dragged you away from
whatever gay serial killers...
1109
01:05:37,302 --> 01:05:39,303
who ride horses and like to play golf
1110
01:05:39,512 --> 01:05:41,180
touchy-feely picture
you're gonna do this week.
1111
01:05:41,305 --> 01:05:43,349
I take it you haven't seen
"Forces Of Nature".
1112
01:05:43,516 --> 01:05:44,183
You're like a child.
1113
01:05:44,350 --> 01:05:45,225
What do I keep telling you?
1114
01:05:45,392 --> 01:05:47,936
You gotta do the safe picture-
then you do the art picture.
1115
01:05:48,103 --> 01:05:49,729
And then sometimes you have to
do the payback picture...
1116
01:05:49,896 --> 01:05:51,897
because your friend says you owe him.
1117
01:05:54,024 --> 01:05:55,693
Then sometimes you have to
go back to the well.
1118
01:05:55,734 --> 01:05:57,360
And then sometimes you do
"Reindeer Games."
1119
01:05:57,610 --> 01:05:58,528
That's just mean.
1120
01:05:58,778 --> 01:06:02,656
All we gotta do is figure out
how to get closer to them.
1121
01:06:04,490 --> 01:06:06,576
Get over here.
1122
01:06:06,659 --> 01:06:08,702
You stand here,
your buddy's right here.
1123
01:06:08,868 --> 01:06:10,370
Just stand here and react.
1124
01:06:10,537 --> 01:06:12,998
Don't say anything. Especially you.
1125
01:06:14,540 --> 01:06:16,500
That's pretty funny.
1126
01:06:16,625 --> 01:06:18,836
Lock it up, people,
we're going for picture.
1127
01:06:19,627 --> 01:06:20,837
Make it happen, guys.
1128
01:06:21,004 --> 01:06:22,213
- Get you fucking hands off me.
1129
01:06:22,381 --> 01:06:23,549
- Fuck off!
1130
01:06:24,633 --> 01:06:26,593
On the count of three,
we rush these fucks and...
1131
01:06:26,634 --> 01:06:28,177
beat the shit out of them,
because if they're all fucked up...
1132
01:06:28,219 --> 01:06:29,721
they can't make that movie.
1133
01:06:31,096 --> 01:06:35,350
Ready? One... two... three!
1134
01:06:35,517 --> 01:06:39,020
"Good Will Hunting Il: Hunting Season."
Scene 16 Take 5.
1135
01:06:42,813 --> 01:06:44,732
Think about the paycheck.
OK.
1136
01:06:51,697 --> 01:06:52,907
Action, Gus?
1137
01:06:53,032 --> 01:06:54,532
Jesus, Ben, I said I'm busy.
1138
01:06:58,620 --> 01:07:01,079
I do remember the class.
1139
01:07:01,163 --> 01:07:03,540
But elementary.
1140
01:07:03,707 --> 01:07:05,334
I remember that class.
1141
01:07:05,500 --> 01:07:08,127
It was just between recess and lunch.
1142
01:07:08,294 --> 01:07:10,630
Are we gonna have a problem- again?
1143
01:07:10,755 --> 01:07:14,466
I was still just hoping you might
be able to give me a little insight...
1144
01:07:14,633 --> 01:07:16,801
into the Southern Colonies.
1145
01:07:17,635 --> 01:07:19,177
Wood says...
1146
01:07:19,344 --> 01:07:20,846
What did I say?
1147
01:07:21,055 --> 01:07:23,224
You'd be back in here
regurgitating Gordon Wood.
1148
01:07:23,390 --> 01:07:25,308
But you forget about Vickers.
1149
01:07:25,350 --> 01:07:27,143
No, I just read Vickers.
1150
01:07:27,351 --> 01:07:28,727
So I'm up on "Inherited Wealth".
1151
01:07:28,894 --> 01:07:33,064
But you're no longer the angry,
brilliant, young mind you once were...
1152
01:07:33,272 --> 01:07:37,108
just itching to vent your frustrations.
1153
01:07:37,275 --> 01:07:39,569
You stopped hitting the books
with a vengeance...
1154
01:07:39,778 --> 01:07:44,949
and now I've read shit you haven't
even heard about yet.
1155
01:07:45,115 --> 01:07:46,367
Face facts, my friend.
1156
01:07:46,535 --> 01:07:48,702
You're just no longer that good...
1157
01:07:48,869 --> 01:07:49,954
Will Hunting.
1158
01:07:54,706 --> 01:07:58,918
Now how do you like them apples?
1159
01:08:01,254 --> 01:08:03,548
I don't like the sound of them apples,
Will.
1160
01:08:03,756 --> 01:08:05,215
What're we gonna do?
1161
01:08:05,382 --> 01:08:06,007
- Chuckie-
1162
01:08:06,216 --> 01:08:07,384
- Yeah?
1163
01:08:07,592 --> 01:08:09,469
Chuckie- it's hunting season.
1164
01:08:14,515 --> 01:08:15,890
Apple sauce, bitch.
1165
01:08:18,811 --> 01:08:21,938
Sorry to interrupt, but we've
got a 1007 on our hands.
1166
01:08:22,105 --> 01:08:23,648
Oh, Jesus. Again, Ben?
1167
01:08:23,773 --> 01:08:24,983
Bullshit!
1168
01:08:25,149 --> 01:08:27,151
Cause I wasn't with a hooker today.
1169
01:08:28,318 --> 01:08:29,152
There they are!
1170
01:08:29,944 --> 01:08:32,113
Affleck,
you were the bomb in "Phantoms".
1171
01:09:14,605 --> 01:09:16,690
Alright, you bastard,
let's see who you really are.
1172
01:09:21,486 --> 01:09:23,572
Fucking Miramax! Cut!
1173
01:09:26,532 --> 01:09:27,825
Shannen, usually I say "Cut".
1174
01:09:27,992 --> 01:09:29,410
A monkey, Wes?
1175
01:09:29,577 --> 01:09:31,703
You guys aren't even trying anymore.
1176
01:09:33,538 --> 01:09:35,540
The market research
says people love monkeys.
1177
01:09:38,918 --> 01:09:40,336
We love this monkey.
1178
01:09:42,505 --> 01:09:43,880
See.
1179
01:09:44,005 --> 01:09:45,507
Here they are.
1180
01:10:04,189 --> 01:10:05,857
Punch it!
1181
01:10:09,568 --> 01:10:10,694
Fuck!
1182
01:10:17,826 --> 01:10:19,701
Those are some magical guys.
1183
01:10:34,422 --> 01:10:37,424
Dude, I fucking knew it.
1184
01:10:38,092 --> 01:10:40,427
You love that shit, don't you?
1185
01:10:43,638 --> 01:10:45,515
Holy shit, that I looked like it hurt.
1186
01:10:45,682 --> 01:10:47,599
Are you guys alright?
1187
01:10:48,517 --> 01:10:50,102
Let's get you guys on your feet.
1188
01:11:01,485 --> 01:11:04,363
Wait a second- aren't you the guy
that fucked the pie?
1189
01:11:05,238 --> 01:11:07,240
You see, man - you see!
1190
01:11:07,365 --> 01:11:10,493
It's never, "Hey, you were in
Loser, weren't you?"
1191
01:11:10,617 --> 01:11:13,454
Or "Dude, you rocked in Boys And Girls"
1192
01:11:13,496 --> 01:11:16,166
It always comes back to
that fucking pie. I'm haunted by it.
1193
01:11:16,331 --> 01:11:18,083
- You put your dick in a pie.
- Enough!
1194
01:11:19,209 --> 01:11:20,252
I'm Jason Biggs.
1195
01:11:20,419 --> 01:11:23,713
Did you really get to 3rd base with
that Russian chick like in the movie?
1196
01:11:23,921 --> 01:11:26,382
You mean Shannon?
1197
01:11:26,591 --> 01:11:27,383
No.
1198
01:11:27,592 --> 01:11:28,925
She is fucking fine.
1199
01:11:29,134 --> 01:11:31,219
If I was you, I would've been like-
1200
01:11:36,514 --> 01:11:38,642
You like that?
1201
01:11:38,809 --> 01:11:41,144
What, you never did one of these?
1202
01:11:46,732 --> 01:11:48,692
I've done plenty of that, my friend.
1203
01:11:48,901 --> 01:11:51,153
Holy shit, you're the Dawson.
1204
01:11:51,319 --> 01:11:52,987
James- James Van Der Beek.
1205
01:11:53,196 --> 01:11:55,323
What's up with Pacey stealing
Joey away from you?
1206
01:11:55,448 --> 01:11:57,574
If I was you, I would have
drowned his ass in the creek.
1207
01:11:57,741 --> 01:12:01,912
Yeah, for Joey. She is too fine.
1208
01:12:02,120 --> 01:12:04,121
Ever get to 3rd base with her?
1209
01:12:04,330 --> 01:12:07,458
There was this one time- Wait a minute,
who are you guys?
1210
01:12:08,541 --> 01:12:10,959
They're our stunt doubles, dumb ass.
1211
01:12:11,460 --> 01:12:12,504
- Right?
1212
01:12:12,670 --> 01:12:14,464
- Of course.
1213
01:12:15,297 --> 01:12:16,797
Stunt doubles for what?
1214
01:12:16,964 --> 01:12:19,050
For the move that we're shooting
in about fifteen minutes.
1215
01:12:19,258 --> 01:12:20,967
Bluntman & Chronic Strike Back.
1216
01:12:21,134 --> 01:12:23,470
You're doubling me, obviously,
1217
01:12:23,637 --> 01:12:26,514
I'm playing Bluntman, A.K.A. Silent Bill
1218
01:12:26,639 --> 01:12:28,057
- Bob.
- Right.
1219
01:12:28,224 --> 01:12:30,476
And he's playing Chronic.
1220
01:12:30,684 --> 01:12:32,227
A.K.A. Ray.
1221
01:12:32,393 --> 01:12:33,478
Jay. Fuck!
1222
01:12:33,728 --> 01:12:35,314
Biggs, did you even read the script?
1223
01:12:35,523 --> 01:12:36,190
There's a script?
1224
01:12:36,398 --> 01:12:37,733
Hey, pie-fucker,
1225
01:12:37,941 --> 01:12:40,860
you would only last a day on
"The Creek".
1226
01:12:41,069 --> 01:12:42,946
Wait second, we'll be right back.
1227
01:12:43,154 --> 01:12:44,487
Fuck you and your "Dawson's Crack".
1228
01:12:44,654 --> 01:12:46,364
Go to hell, Pacey.
1229
01:12:48,950 --> 01:12:50,116
These are the fucks that are playing us
1230
01:12:50,283 --> 01:12:53,411
You take 'em out, bam!, no movie.
1231
01:12:54,663 --> 01:12:56,914
Useless little ape.
1232
01:12:57,081 --> 01:13:00,167
What's with the weird,
gay huddle going on over there?
1233
01:13:00,334 --> 01:13:01,543
Let me put my arm over yours.
1234
01:13:01,709 --> 01:13:02,752
What's gay about it?
1235
01:13:02,961 --> 01:13:04,045
It's two guys talking in a corner.
1236
01:13:04,170 --> 01:13:07,339
Why are you such a homophobe?
1237
01:13:07,548 --> 01:13:10,009
You're always like "That's gay,"
or "Look at that gay huddle..."
1238
01:13:10,260 --> 01:13:11,386
"look at that gay dog."
1239
01:13:11,553 --> 01:13:12,428
Dude, that is so gay-
1240
01:13:12,554 --> 01:13:13,846
Yeah, see.
1241
01:13:14,096 --> 01:13:16,723
- I love gay people.
1242
01:13:16,890 --> 01:13:17,558
- I'm sure you do.
1243
01:13:17,683 --> 01:13:19,767
Look at the monkey.
1244
01:13:19,934 --> 01:13:21,768
Now you're gonna tell me
the monkey's gay.
1245
01:13:21,893 --> 01:13:24,229
How do you know
he doesn't smoke monkey pole?
1246
01:13:24,271 --> 01:13:26,564
He's so cute.
1247
01:13:28,774 --> 01:13:31,609
You go in there and start swinging,
don't stop until these young...
1248
01:13:31,776 --> 01:13:33,195
Hollywood fucks are out of commission.
1249
01:13:33,237 --> 01:13:34,530
Ready? Break!
1250
01:13:41,869 --> 01:13:43,745
That's one funky monkey.
1251
01:13:46,373 --> 01:13:48,708
Mr. Biggs, Mr. Van Der Beek,
this is Security.
1252
01:13:48,791 --> 01:13:51,043
There are two intruders on the lot.
1253
01:13:51,210 --> 01:13:53,295
They crashed through a window
we believe might be yours.
1254
01:13:54,628 --> 01:13:56,589
Yeah, they're in here.
1255
01:13:57,213 --> 01:13:58,631
Do they have you held hostage?
1256
01:13:58,673 --> 01:14:00,090
Should we call your publicist?
1257
01:14:00,299 --> 01:14:00,883
No.
1258
01:14:01,049 --> 01:14:03,677
We kicked those guys assess bad.
1259
01:14:03,844 --> 01:14:05,887
Real bad.
1260
01:14:06,053 --> 01:14:07,680
Great job, sirs.
1261
01:14:07,805 --> 01:14:09,683
If you'll let us in,
we'll take over from here.
1262
01:14:09,808 --> 01:14:13,144
No,
me and Jason Biggs are naked in here.
1263
01:14:13,352 --> 01:14:15,021
Butt-naked. Together.
1264
01:14:15,521 --> 01:14:21,401
Okay. Well, we'll wait out here
until you clean up.
1265
01:14:31,911 --> 01:14:34,453
How are we gonna get out
without them seeing us?
1266
01:14:40,458 --> 01:14:41,334
You've got the wrong guys.
1267
01:14:41,501 --> 01:14:43,377
Doesn't anybody watch the WB?
1268
01:14:43,544 --> 01:14:45,171
I'm a teen idol, dammit!
1269
01:14:45,296 --> 01:14:46,421
Don't you recognize me?
1270
01:14:46,630 --> 01:14:48,089
Look at me.
1271
01:14:48,131 --> 01:14:49,549
I'm the pie-fucker!
1272
01:14:51,468 --> 01:14:54,470
In prison, he'll be the pie.
1273
01:14:57,139 --> 01:14:58,431
This was a good idea, lunch-box.
1274
01:14:58,640 --> 01:15:00,016
In these outfits...
1275
01:15:00,058 --> 01:15:01,392
we're totally incognito.
1276
01:15:01,559 --> 01:15:03,102
Mr. Biggs, Mr. Van Der Beek-
1277
01:15:04,436 --> 01:15:06,063
Great, you've changed costumes already.
1278
01:15:06,188 --> 01:15:07,190
Let's get you to the set.
1279
01:15:07,357 --> 01:15:08,733
The director doesn't like
to be kept waiting.
1280
01:15:12,276 --> 01:15:13,528
Look at all these crackers.
1281
01:15:13,694 --> 01:15:16,530
70 million dollars
and I can't even get a black grip.
1282
01:15:16,655 --> 01:15:18,573
It's a shame. It's a damn shame!
1283
01:15:18,782 --> 01:15:20,325
Here's your coffee, sir.
1284
01:15:20,908 --> 01:15:22,660
- You spit in this?
- I didn't spit in it.
1285
01:15:22,827 --> 01:15:24,120
Any boogers in it?
1286
01:15:24,328 --> 01:15:25,538
There's no boogers in it, sir.
1287
01:15:25,621 --> 01:15:26,830
You went to film school, didn't you?
1288
01:15:26,955 --> 01:15:30,208
Must piss you off to see a black man
run a big production like this.
1289
01:15:31,126 --> 01:15:32,918
Go to the school.
1290
01:15:33,127 --> 01:15:36,421
Does your daddy know that
you give a nigger his coffee?
1291
01:15:36,588 --> 01:15:38,132
It would kill him, wouldn't it?
1292
01:15:38,965 --> 01:15:40,633
- There's no boogers in it, sir.
- Ten taste it!
1293
01:15:41,467 --> 01:15:43,803
Taste the booger flavor.
1294
01:15:43,970 --> 01:15:45,220
I know it's in there.
1295
01:15:46,428 --> 01:15:47,138
It's all good, sir.
1296
01:15:47,304 --> 01:15:48,389
No it ain't all good.
1297
01:15:48,472 --> 01:15:49,515
Clean that shit up.
1298
01:15:49,723 --> 01:15:50,974
Get me a white boy.
1299
01:15:51,141 --> 01:15:54,769
Get me a blond haired,
white boy so I can enjoy that shit.
1300
01:15:55,019 --> 01:15:55,437
- You're the man, sir.
1301
01:15:55,645 --> 01:15:57,646
- No, you're the man
and that's the problem.
1302
01:15:58,564 --> 01:16:00,983
Chaka-I'm Banky Edwards,
the creator of Bluntman & Chronic.
1303
01:16:01,066 --> 01:16:03,443
We met a few weeks back.
1304
01:16:03,651 --> 01:16:04,987
I'm the executive Producer.
1305
01:16:05,154 --> 01:16:07,447
Oh, you're the Executive Producer.
1306
01:16:07,613 --> 01:16:10,491
Why don't you executive produce me
a latte- de-crackernated.
1307
01:16:10,700 --> 01:16:11,784
Okay, Fuck it?
1308
01:16:11,909 --> 01:16:12,452
- It's Banky.
1309
01:16:12,660 --> 01:16:14,077
No, its' Fuck it!
1310
01:16:14,244 --> 01:16:16,455
I just want you to know that
I respect your work as an artist.
1311
01:16:16,621 --> 01:16:18,123
I 'm something of an artist myself.
1312
01:16:18,290 --> 01:16:19,874
I was the inker on the comic book.
1313
01:16:20,082 --> 01:16:21,667
You're a tracer, okay?
1314
01:16:21,834 --> 01:16:23,334
Nobody got the heart to tell you.
1315
01:16:23,501 --> 01:16:23,835
You trace.
1316
01:16:24,002 --> 01:16:24,586
You go around the lines.
1317
01:16:24,752 --> 01:16:26,337
You are a tracer!
1318
01:16:26,379 --> 01:16:27,839
You think Fat Alber had a tracer?
1319
01:16:28,047 --> 01:16:28,506
No.
1320
01:16:28,715 --> 01:16:30,300
Bill Cosby did the whole thing
with a roller.
1321
01:16:30,508 --> 01:16:31,633
And it was excellent.
1322
01:16:34,052 --> 01:16:36,472
Crack, crack, cracker?
1323
01:16:36,679 --> 01:16:38,181
Biggs and Van Der Beek are on the set,
Chaka.
1324
01:16:38,222 --> 01:16:39,682
I don't see them!
1325
01:16:39,891 --> 01:16:41,976
Where are the stars of
this piece of shit?
1326
01:16:58,531 --> 01:17:01,282
Damn, this must've set them back
a couple hundred bucks.
1327
01:17:05,161 --> 01:17:05,578
Look at this.
1328
01:17:05,827 --> 01:17:08,663
A gay hood ornament
and the color purple.
1329
01:17:08,830 --> 01:17:09,706
Who the fuck are you?
1330
01:17:09,873 --> 01:17:10,499
Who the fuck am I?
1331
01:17:10,665 --> 01:17:12,249
I'm the director, Chaka Luther King.
1332
01:17:12,374 --> 01:17:13,375
That's who the fuck I am.
1333
01:17:13,417 --> 01:17:14,376
Wait a second.
1334
01:17:14,543 --> 01:17:16,087
I though Banky and Holden
created this shit.
1335
01:17:16,128 --> 01:17:17,629
And I 'm stealing it.
1336
01:17:17,796 --> 01:17:19,547
I'm taking it back for the black man...
1337
01:17:19,672 --> 01:17:23,050
to make up for all the shit you
mother fuckers have taken from us.
1338
01:17:23,217 --> 01:17:25,553
Do you know that I came up for
the idea for "Sesame Street"?
1339
01:17:25,762 --> 01:17:27,388
I came up with it before PBS.
1340
01:17:27,555 --> 01:17:28,681
The white man stole it.
1341
01:17:28,889 --> 01:17:31,975
I was gonna call it
NWP- Niggers With Puppets.
1342
01:17:32,017 --> 01:17:35,019
Catchy, ain't it?
1343
01:17:35,186 --> 01:17:36,436
Enough of this small talk.
1344
01:17:36,603 --> 01:17:37,479
Let's shoot.
1345
01:17:38,313 --> 01:17:39,397
Aren't you gonna direct us?
1346
01:17:39,564 --> 01:17:41,607
I will start directing you to the
unemployment line...
1347
01:17:41,649 --> 01:17:43,609
if you don't stop back-talking me,
cracker.
1348
01:17:44,318 --> 01:17:45,277
We don't know what we're doing.
1349
01:17:45,486 --> 01:17:46,278
We didn't read the script.
1350
01:17:46,486 --> 01:17:47,112
It ain't hard.
1351
01:17:47,278 --> 01:17:49,072
I film the mother fucker.
1352
01:17:49,239 --> 01:17:50,365
Then I yell "Cut!"
1353
01:17:50,532 --> 01:17:52,908
And run the fuck out of here
and go to my trailer...
1354
01:17:53,075 --> 01:17:56,954
cause I got more white girls there than
the first lifeboat on the Titanic.
1355
01:17:57,079 --> 01:17:58,704
And they all want a party in my movie,
1356
01:17:58,871 --> 01:18:00,623
and I got just the part for me.
1357
01:18:00,790 --> 01:18:01,750
So are you ready to do this?
1358
01:18:01,917 --> 01:18:03,544
Let's roll with the new.
1359
01:18:05,253 --> 01:18:07,422
Quiet on the set, everyone.
1360
01:18:08,464 --> 01:18:10,382
I got your new coffee sir, booger-free.
1361
01:18:13,134 --> 01:18:14,885
You guys look pretty bad-ass.
1362
01:18:15,760 --> 01:18:18,388
"Bluntman & Chronic Strike Back",
scene 37, take 1.
1363
01:18:24,519 --> 01:18:25,353
What're you waiting for?
1364
01:18:25,520 --> 01:18:26,771
Action!
1365
01:18:31,442 --> 01:18:34,986
Um... snoochy-boochies.
1366
01:18:38,739 --> 01:18:40,615
What the fuck?
1367
01:18:49,580 --> 01:18:52,999
You thought I'd never find
your precious Bluntcave...
1368
01:18:53,207 --> 01:18:55,334
did you, Hemp Knight?
1369
01:18:55,460 --> 01:18:59,839
But now, you and your sidekick...
1370
01:18:59,881 --> 01:19:04,217
are finally
in the grasp of Cock-Knocker!
1371
01:19:08,012 --> 01:19:10,431
Why do they call you Cock-Knocker?
1372
01:19:10,598 --> 01:19:12,433
Actually,
there's a funny story behind that.
1373
01:19:13,476 --> 01:19:13,933
You're gonna love it.
1374
01:19:14,184 --> 01:19:15,310
True story.
1375
01:19:18,063 --> 01:19:21,399
Avenge me... Hemp-Knight.
1376
01:19:27,528 --> 01:19:30,031
I think George Lucas
is gonna sue somebody.
1377
01:19:31,448 --> 01:19:36,119
Any last words before I bust
your balls, Bluntman?
1378
01:20:22,574 --> 01:20:23,741
Duck, pie-fucker.
1379
01:20:26,160 --> 01:20:27,537
Damn, these white boys can't fight.
1380
01:20:29,663 --> 01:20:31,581
Don't fuck with a Jedi master, son.
1381
01:20:37,169 --> 01:20:38,545
Yo! Bitch-fists!
1382
01:20:42,256 --> 01:20:45,634
Call me Darth-balls.
1383
01:20:46,677 --> 01:20:47,969
Good Lord.
1384
01:20:52,515 --> 01:20:53,765
That wasn't in the script.
1385
01:21:22,582 --> 01:21:23,583
So this is Hollywood?
1386
01:21:24,792 --> 01:21:28,754
Then lights, camera, action,
Jay and Silent Bob.
1387
01:21:32,090 --> 01:21:34,175
Freeze, you terrorist sons of bitches!
1388
01:21:35,509 --> 01:21:39,055
...My God...
1389
01:21:44,434 --> 01:21:45,726
Sorry, everyone.
1390
01:21:45,893 --> 01:21:47,227
That was supposed to be a warning shot.
1391
01:21:47,436 --> 01:21:49,480
I'm obviously on the wrong set.
1392
01:21:50,438 --> 01:21:52,022
Is he gonna be okay?
1393
01:21:53,899 --> 01:21:54,649
Not good.
1394
01:22:01,072 --> 01:22:03,573
You are not upstaging me, Van Der Beek.
1395
01:22:12,122 --> 01:22:14,333
This movie's gonna make "House Party"
look like "House Party 2".
1396
01:22:14,416 --> 01:22:16,585
- Or "House Party 3".
1397
01:22:16,710 --> 01:22:17,753
- Shut the fuck up.
- Yes, sir.
1398
01:22:19,213 --> 01:22:22,090
Chaka, call off Dawson, will you?
1399
01:22:26,842 --> 01:22:28,761
Can I get a "cut!" here?
1400
01:22:34,432 --> 01:22:35,558
Not again.
1401
01:22:37,559 --> 01:22:39,686
Now who's balls have been busted, bitch
1402
01:22:40,562 --> 01:22:41,605
That's it! I'm out of here.
1403
01:22:41,730 --> 01:22:43,148
Chaka, I'll be in my trailer.
1404
01:22:45,024 --> 01:22:45,942
What the fuck?
1405
01:22:46,109 --> 01:22:48,236
The C.L.I.T. Stops here,
Jay and Silent Bob.
1406
01:22:48,277 --> 01:22:50,362
Another white boy in this movie? Damn!
1407
01:22:51,530 --> 01:22:53,074
Federal Wildlife Marshall.
1408
01:22:53,116 --> 01:22:54,742
Everyone stay cool.
1409
01:22:54,826 --> 01:22:56,660
Go back to making your adult movie.
1410
01:22:56,702 --> 01:22:58,495
These men are the leaders of
a terrorist organization...
1411
01:22:58,662 --> 01:23:00,705
wanted for the abduction of
a little monkey.
1412
01:23:00,871 --> 01:23:02,498
They didn't really steal that monkey.
1413
01:23:02,623 --> 01:23:05,750
It was just a diversion so
that we could steal these.
1414
01:23:05,917 --> 01:23:07,209
And they're not the leaders of
the C.L.I.T.
1415
01:23:07,418 --> 01:23:08,794
The C.L.I.T. Is not real.
1416
01:23:08,961 --> 01:23:11,005
Oh no, the C.L.I.T. Is real.
1417
01:23:11,214 --> 01:23:12,257
It's real.
1418
01:23:12,464 --> 01:23:14,967
It's the female orgasm- that's the myth
1419
01:23:15,134 --> 01:23:16,468
You know what I 'm talking about?
1420
01:23:17,136 --> 01:23:18,177
Are you guys alright?
1421
01:23:18,302 --> 01:23:20,555
I thought you blew up,
Boo-Boo Kitty-fuck.
1422
01:23:20,722 --> 01:23:23,391
You remembered.
1423
01:23:23,516 --> 01:23:25,892
It was a frame-up, Jay.
1424
01:23:26,059 --> 01:23:30,353
Missy, Sissy, Chrissy and I
are international jewel thieves.
1425
01:23:30,562 --> 01:23:31,771
We were setting you up to be a patsy...
1426
01:23:31,938 --> 01:23:35,191
but I couldn't go through with it
because I...
1427
01:23:35,358 --> 01:23:36,358
because I love you.
1428
01:23:37,151 --> 01:23:39,028
Yeah?
That means you're gonna fuck me, right?
1429
01:23:39,153 --> 01:23:39,777
Of course.
1430
01:23:40,528 --> 01:23:42,571
If she does
it'll be considered necrophilia.
1431
01:23:42,654 --> 01:23:44,656
Because she's gonna be one dead bitch.
1432
01:23:46,533 --> 01:23:48,576
Jussy, did we get you at a bad time?
1433
01:23:48,784 --> 01:23:51,204
You should've just let these guys
go down.
1434
01:23:51,413 --> 01:23:52,914
I wanted to go down,
but this angel popped on my shoulder...
1435
01:23:52,956 --> 01:23:54,498
and said "Listen" and I was like
"What's up?"
1436
01:23:54,665 --> 01:23:56,751
Shut the fuck up before I shoot you
where you stand...
1437
01:23:56,917 --> 01:23:58,461
in you pansy red booties.
1438
01:23:59,294 --> 01:24:01,004
Holy shit,
I am wearing pansy red booties.
1439
01:24:01,171 --> 01:24:03,006
Why the fuck didn't you tell me?
1440
01:24:03,506 --> 01:24:04,798
Let's have those diamonds, Justice.
1441
01:24:05,007 --> 01:24:06,342
I can't do that, Sissy.
1442
01:24:06,508 --> 01:24:08,928
Then lover-boy gets one
in the fucking brain.
1443
01:24:09,929 --> 01:24:12,222
Yo! Lovely ladies!
1444
01:24:12,306 --> 01:24:14,141
Would any of you like
a private audition to be in my movie.
1445
01:24:14,183 --> 01:24:16,017
Bring that ass over. C'mon!
1446
01:24:36,367 --> 01:24:37,409
Cray crackers with guns.
1447
01:24:37,576 --> 01:24:39,078
Time to get my black ass outta here.
1448
01:24:44,999 --> 01:24:46,333
You really let me down, Justice.
1449
01:24:46,541 --> 01:24:49,128
Throwing it all away for a little
stoner with bad pronunciation.
1450
01:24:49,337 --> 01:24:50,505
What's it gonna be, Sissy?
1451
01:24:50,672 --> 01:24:53,047
Which fighting style do you want me
to kick your ass in?
1452
01:24:53,172 --> 01:24:54,548
Are you kidding me?
1453
01:24:54,757 --> 01:24:56,092
I taught you all your moves myself.
1454
01:24:56,217 --> 01:24:58,468
There's no style you can bust
that I can't defend against.
1455
01:24:58,635 --> 01:25:00,428
You're no match for my Shaolin Monk.
1456
01:25:00,595 --> 01:25:02,347
But I'll bury you
with my Crouching Tiger.
1457
01:25:02,472 --> 01:25:03,764
A little Venus Fly-trap?
1458
01:25:03,931 --> 01:25:06,600
I'll counter with Dragon Queen.
1459
01:25:06,642 --> 01:25:09,268
How about a little "Bitch, my man
ain't your baby's daddy"?
1460
01:25:09,435 --> 01:25:10,436
Bring it on.
1461
01:25:16,191 --> 01:25:17,901
I hope one of them rips off
the other one's shirt...
1462
01:25:18,068 --> 01:25:21,195
and we see some titties flopping
around in the air.
1463
01:25:22,780 --> 01:25:26,158
Mr. Biggs, Mr. Van Der Beek-
I just wanted to say hi. I'm-
1464
01:25:26,366 --> 01:25:27,659
Banky-fucking Edwards!
1465
01:25:27,826 --> 01:25:29,910
Just the mother fucker we came to see.
1466
01:25:30,077 --> 01:25:32,662
What the fuck are you guys doing here?
1467
01:25:38,458 --> 01:25:39,960
Why the hell are you shooting at me?
1468
01:25:40,127 --> 01:25:41,003
Two reasons.
1469
01:25:41,128 --> 01:25:44,422
One- we're walking-taking
bad girl clich�s.
1470
01:25:44,588 --> 01:25:46,424
And two- because you're a man!
1471
01:25:48,051 --> 01:25:49,760
Only on the outside.
1472
01:25:50,469 --> 01:25:52,346
Stop the movie? Are you crazy?
1473
01:25:52,513 --> 01:25:54,306
All these assholes on the internet
are calling us names...
1474
01:25:54,557 --> 01:25:56,391
because of this fucking stupid movie.
1475
01:25:56,599 --> 01:25:59,060
That's what the internet is for-
slandering others anonymously.
1476
01:25:59,227 --> 01:26:02,479
Stopping the flick
isn't gonna stop that.
1477
01:26:07,150 --> 01:26:08,192
This isn't fair.
1478
01:26:08,359 --> 01:26:10,236
We came to Hollywood, I fell in love.
1479
01:26:10,403 --> 01:26:12,946
We stole a monkey, we got shot at...
1480
01:26:13,155 --> 01:26:15,532
and I got punched
in the motherfucking nuts...
1481
01:26:15,699 --> 01:26:17,826
by a guy named Cock-knocker.
1482
01:26:17,993 --> 01:26:20,161
I feel for you boys, I really do.
1483
01:26:20,328 --> 01:26:22,371
But Miramax - you know, Miramax films...
1484
01:26:22,580 --> 01:26:25,123
paid me a shitload of money for
Bluntman & Chronic.
1485
01:26:25,290 --> 01:26:28,418
So it occurs to me that people
bad-mouthing you on a website...
1486
01:26:28,501 --> 01:26:31,587
is none of my fucking concern!
1487
01:26:31,795 --> 01:26:33,756
Oh, but I think it is.
1488
01:26:36,924 --> 01:26:40,178
We had a deal with you on the comics-
for likeness rights?
1489
01:26:40,386 --> 01:26:42,344
And as we're not only
the artistic basis
1490
01:26:42,510 --> 01:26:44,054
but also the character basis...
1491
01:26:44,220 --> 01:26:46,599
for your intellectual property,
Bluntman & Chronic...
1492
01:26:46,724 --> 01:26:49,642
when said property was optioned
by Miramax films...
1493
01:26:49,726 --> 01:26:52,520
you were legally obliged to
secure our permission...
1494
01:26:52,687 --> 01:26:55,064
to transfer the concept
to another medium.
1495
01:26:55,230 --> 01:26:57,524
As you failed to do that, Banky...
1496
01:26:57,566 --> 01:26:59,776
you are in breach of
the original contract.
1497
01:26:59,984 --> 01:27:01,319
Ergo, you find yourself...
1498
01:27:01,528 --> 01:27:05,323
in a very actionable position.
1499
01:27:09,494 --> 01:27:10,787
You guys are gonna ruin my movie career
1500
01:27:10,994 --> 01:27:13,163
We want something
for our mental anguish.
1501
01:27:13,205 --> 01:27:15,290
Tell you what-
we'll settle this monetarily.
1502
01:27:15,457 --> 01:27:17,041
I'll give you half of what I make.
1503
01:27:17,208 --> 01:27:18,083
Half?
1504
01:27:18,249 --> 01:27:18,875
Half's not good enough?
1505
01:27:19,000 --> 01:27:20,835
Fine. I'll give you two thirds.
1506
01:27:21,044 --> 01:27:22,379
Fuck you, you already said half.
1507
01:27:22,545 --> 01:27:24,463
You can't take it back.
1508
01:27:24,630 --> 01:27:25,673
Done.
1509
01:27:31,678 --> 01:27:33,888
Your shit is so tired, Justice.
1510
01:27:34,304 --> 01:27:38,350
Call me Boo-Boo-Kitty-fuck... Bitch!
1511
01:27:48,067 --> 01:27:50,653
Hello? Truce?
1512
01:27:54,488 --> 01:27:56,281
I think I killed both of them.
1513
01:27:56,991 --> 01:27:58,282
I am an excellent marksman.
1514
01:27:58,366 --> 01:27:59,326
I've always-
1515
01:28:03,746 --> 01:28:04,872
C'mon, you guys, it's over.
1516
01:28:09,710 --> 01:28:11,128
Are you alright, Boo-Boo-Kitty-fuck?
1517
01:28:11,253 --> 01:28:13,463
I was just about to jump in
and get your back.
1518
01:28:15,715 --> 01:28:16,340
The cops!
1519
01:28:16,465 --> 01:28:18,134
We gotta get out of here.
1520
01:28:18,175 --> 01:28:19,801
I'm tired of running.
1521
01:28:21,176 --> 01:28:23,846
Marshall... are you awake?
1522
01:28:24,638 --> 01:28:26,307
Wake up.
1523
01:28:26,473 --> 01:28:30,475
My God! I'm paralyzed.
1524
01:28:30,642 --> 01:28:33,311
That monkey shot me in the ass
and paralyzed me.
1525
01:28:34,228 --> 01:28:36,689
Oh, sweet irony!
1526
01:28:36,856 --> 01:28:37,481
You're not paralyzed.
1527
01:28:37,648 --> 01:28:40,734
It was just a tranquilizer.
1528
01:28:40,942 --> 01:28:42,611
Jesus.
1529
01:28:43,446 --> 01:28:45,572
Tranqued by a little monkey.
1530
01:28:45,739 --> 01:28:48,533
My friends in the Bureau will
never let me hear the end of this.
1531
01:28:49,367 --> 01:28:51,160
You have friends in the FBI?
1532
01:28:51,327 --> 01:28:53,495
They all made it in
but I failed the exam.
1533
01:28:53,704 --> 01:28:56,414
Why else do you think I became a
Federal Wildlife Marshall?
1534
01:28:57,541 --> 01:28:59,001
I'll tell you why, because I'm a joke!
1535
01:29:00,044 --> 01:29:01,545
Maybe not.
1536
01:29:02,462 --> 01:29:04,213
I can make you a deal
that'll get you into the FBI...
1537
01:29:04,339 --> 01:29:05,840
regardless of test scores.
1538
01:29:06,507 --> 01:29:08,299
What kind of deal?
1539
01:29:08,466 --> 01:29:10,509
You get the charges dropped
against Jay and Silent Bob...
1540
01:29:10,635 --> 01:29:12,053
and say you never found the ape.
1541
01:29:12,219 --> 01:29:14,346
In exchange I will give you
the diamonds we stole...
1542
01:29:14,596 --> 01:29:16,556
and turn in Missy, Chrissy,
Sissy and myself.
1543
01:29:16,806 --> 01:29:18,308
But I want a reduced sentence.
1544
01:29:18,475 --> 01:29:20,309
You'd be willing to do that?
1545
01:29:24,313 --> 01:29:27,273
For him, I'd be willing to do anything.
1546
01:29:33,612 --> 01:29:36,989
I'm a international jewel thief
who's facing a jail sentence.
1547
01:29:37,323 --> 01:29:39,325
That's alright.
I'm a junkie with a monkey.
1548
01:29:39,493 --> 01:29:41,495
If I go to prison will you wait for me?
1549
01:29:41,703 --> 01:29:42,954
I don't know.
1550
01:29:43,119 --> 01:29:45,205
Will you fuck me when you get out?
1551
01:29:52,211 --> 01:29:52,836
Don't change the subject.
1552
01:29:53,003 --> 01:29:54,629
Will we fuck when you get out?
1553
01:29:54,796 --> 01:29:56,381
Snoogens.
1554
01:30:03,470 --> 01:30:07,181
There's a lot of love in the room.
1555
01:30:07,640 --> 01:30:11,268
Regardless of what you may here heard,
I do not kiss guys.
1556
01:30:11,893 --> 01:30:12,978
Okay.
1557
01:30:13,979 --> 01:30:16,272
Play it cool, hotshot.
1558
01:30:20,400 --> 01:30:22,986
Sorry, Justice. We have to go.
1559
01:30:24,486 --> 01:30:25,737
And stop stealing monkeys.
1560
01:30:25,946 --> 01:30:26,697
- Fuck you!
1561
01:30:26,863 --> 01:30:28,448
- Fair enough.
1562
01:30:33,661 --> 01:30:35,120
Wait for me.
1563
01:30:35,287 --> 01:30:36,705
What? Here?
1564
01:30:50,509 --> 01:30:52,845
Well, boys- you're rich, in love-
1565
01:30:53,971 --> 01:30:55,014
You're in love-
1566
01:30:55,222 --> 01:30:56,931
And to top it off
you've got your own monkey.
1567
01:30:57,140 --> 01:30:59,099
What more could two guys from
Jersey possibly want?
1568
01:30:59,891 --> 01:31:02,102
To have these fucks stop talking
shit about us on the internet.
1569
01:31:02,144 --> 01:31:04,228
What've I been telling you?
1570
01:31:04,395 --> 01:31:06,022
There's not much you can do
to stop that.
1571
01:31:06,230 --> 01:31:09,317
Short of showing up at their house
and beating the shit out of them.
1572
01:31:17,323 --> 01:31:21,284
All the money we're making could
buy a lot of plane tickets.
1573
01:31:27,456 --> 01:31:28,040
Yeah?
1574
01:31:28,206 --> 01:31:31,292
Do you post as Magnolia Fan
on Movie Poop Shoot. Com?
1575
01:31:31,334 --> 01:31:34,293
Yeah!
1576
01:31:34,418 --> 01:31:38,256
Did you write
"Fuck Jay and Silent Bob."
1577
01:31:38,465 --> 01:31:40,966
"Fuck them in their stupid asses"?
1578
01:31:41,133 --> 01:31:42,885
Yeah, a while ago. So?
1579
01:31:52,518 --> 01:31:56,897
On Movie Poop Shoot.com did
you say Jay and Silent Bob are...
1580
01:31:57,064 --> 01:31:59,691
quote, "fucking clown shoes
and if they were real...
1581
01:31:59,900 --> 01:32:01,985
"I'd kick the shit out of them for
being so stupid"?
1582
01:32:02,193 --> 01:32:03,527
- Yeah.
- Really?
1583
01:32:25,336 --> 01:32:27,922
That's right. That's it.
1584
01:32:31,841 --> 01:32:38,223
Right. That's right.
1585
01:33:01,492 --> 01:33:03,160
That's beautiful, man.
1586
01:33:03,327 --> 01:33:05,580
That was worse than Clash Of The Titans
1587
01:33:05,746 --> 01:33:07,830
I can't believe Judy Dench played me.
1588
01:33:08,080 --> 01:33:11,125
Remind me to renew
that Restraining Order.
1589
01:33:11,375 --> 01:33:11,834
Why?
1590
01:33:12,041 --> 01:33:14,127
I am gonna blast that
flick on the internet tonight.
1591
01:33:14,377 --> 01:33:17,046
Why can't Hollywood ever makes
a decent comic book movie?
1592
01:33:17,213 --> 01:33:18,630
Tell me, Steve-Dave.
1593
01:33:18,672 --> 01:33:20,048
Would you stop saying that?
1594
01:33:20,215 --> 01:33:23,092
That was just another paean
to male adolescence...
1595
01:33:23,259 --> 01:33:24,926
and its refusal to grow up.
1596
01:33:25,093 --> 01:33:27,596
Yeah, sis,
but it was better than Mall Rats.
1597
01:33:27,762 --> 01:33:30,681
At least Holden had the good
sense to keep his name off of it.
1598
01:33:30,848 --> 01:33:34,227
Why wouldn't Miramax option his
other comic instead?
1599
01:33:34,352 --> 01:33:37,980
The one with you and him
and your relationship.
1600
01:33:38,147 --> 01:33:40,190
Chasing Amy?
1601
01:33:40,482 --> 01:33:42,191
That would never work as a movie.
1602
01:33:42,358 --> 01:33:44,652
I'm so fucking embarrassed.
1603
01:33:44,777 --> 01:33:46,030
Honey, you should be.
1604
01:33:46,238 --> 01:33:47,196
They took your characters...
1605
01:33:47,363 --> 01:33:49,949
and turned them into one
90-minute long gay joke.
1606
01:33:50,116 --> 01:33:51,743
It was like watching Batman
and Robin again.
1607
01:33:51,951 --> 01:33:55,162
Thank, that means a lot coming from
the guy who pretends be "Shaft"...
1608
01:33:55,245 --> 01:33:57,788
as opposed to the guy who takes shaft.
1609
01:33:57,830 --> 01:34:00,081
I don't hear you complaining nightly.
1610
01:34:00,123 --> 01:34:02,375
I don't get out to the movies much,
but I have to say...
1611
01:34:02,500 --> 01:34:05,127
Bluntman & Chronic was blut-tastic.
1612
01:34:05,169 --> 01:34:07,713
Are these leg cuffs really necessary?
1613
01:34:07,880 --> 01:34:10,340
Don't make me shoot you, Justice.
1614
01:34:12,091 --> 01:34:14,802
The party's across the street featuring
the greatest band in the world...
1615
01:34:14,844 --> 01:34:17,429
Morris Day and the Time.
1616
01:34:36,904 --> 01:34:38,656
I...
1617
01:34:38,864 --> 01:34:40,782
I... I been watching you.
1618
01:34:40,990 --> 01:34:43,409
I think I want to know you.
1619
01:34:44,494 --> 01:34:47,287
I said... I�m a little dangerous.
1620
01:34:48,497 --> 01:34:51,916
Girl I'd love to show you...
1621
01:34:52,083 --> 01:34:55,169
my jungle love.
1622
01:36:04,935 --> 01:36:08,313
I'd be like, "What, you don't know
fucking Jay and Silent Bob...
1623
01:36:08,521 --> 01:36:11,190
the fucking mack-daddies of
fucking Jersey"?
1624
01:36:11,357 --> 01:36:13,483
And she'd be like "Oh, I read on
the internet that you guys..."
1625
01:36:13,692 --> 01:36:15,944
"are a couple of little fuck-holes!"
1626
01:36:56,436 --> 01:36:58,396
I got a bear skinned rug.
Y'all sing it.
1627
01:37:00,146 --> 01:37:02,315
I got a fireplace. I can't hear you.
1628
01:37:03,942 --> 01:37:06,026
We're all the way live in L.A.
1629
01:37:07,653 --> 01:37:10,239
Oh, the things I could do to you.
121904
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