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1
00:00:01,580 --> 00:00:03,210
♪♪
2
00:00:03,210 --> 00:00:05,000
[ Beverly Rose crying ]
3
00:00:11,620 --> 00:00:13,210
So, uh...
4
00:00:13,210 --> 00:00:16,670
are you just gonna let Lil Bev
keep crying like that?
5
00:00:16,670 --> 00:00:17,670
Yes, I am.
6
00:00:17,670 --> 00:00:19,620
[ Tab pops ]
7
00:00:19,620 --> 00:00:22,540
She's learning
to cry it out.
8
00:00:22,540 --> 00:00:24,710
So, if I'm stuck under a log,
screaming for help,
9
00:00:24,710 --> 00:00:26,460
you're just gonna let me
cry it out?
10
00:00:26,460 --> 00:00:29,210
No, first,
I'm gonna laugh.
11
00:00:29,210 --> 00:00:30,790
Then I'm gonna let you
cry it out
12
00:00:30,790 --> 00:00:33,040
so you learn how to sleep
through the night under a log.
13
00:00:34,960 --> 00:00:37,710
Look, Becky told us
to let her self-soothe.
14
00:00:37,710 --> 00:00:38,580
[ Crying continues ]
15
00:00:38,580 --> 00:00:40,000
Oh. Wait.
16
00:00:41,710 --> 00:00:43,960
See? It's working.
17
00:00:43,960 --> 00:00:45,290
And...
[ Click ]
18
00:00:45,290 --> 00:00:46,170
...she's asleep.
19
00:00:49,290 --> 00:00:51,330
[ Babbling ]
20
00:00:51,330 --> 00:00:52,710
Hey.
21
00:00:52,710 --> 00:00:55,040
[ Coos ]
22
00:00:55,040 --> 00:00:56,620
It's been an hour.
23
00:00:56,620 --> 00:00:58,290
She's got to go
back to sleep.
24
00:00:58,290 --> 00:00:59,380
She's not a toy.
25
00:00:59,380 --> 00:01:01,210
No, no, she's not.
26
00:01:01,210 --> 00:01:03,170
She's a powerful,
tiny woman
27
00:01:03,170 --> 00:01:05,000
whose whole foot
fits in my mouth.
28
00:01:05,000 --> 00:01:06,540
Rowr. [ Chuckles ]
29
00:01:06,540 --> 00:01:07,710
You know, when Becky gets home,
you're gonna have
30
00:01:07,710 --> 00:01:10,500
one foot in your mouth
and one foot upside your ass.
31
00:01:10,500 --> 00:01:12,750
[ Sighs ]
Put the baby
back in her crib.
32
00:01:12,750 --> 00:01:14,000
Oh, come.
33
00:01:14,000 --> 00:01:15,880
Otherwise, I'm gonna go
sleep on the couch.
34
00:01:15,880 --> 00:01:17,380
Mmm. [ Sniffs ]
35
00:01:17,380 --> 00:01:20,620
Oh, but her head smells
so much better than your head.
36
00:01:20,620 --> 00:01:22,880
And your beard smells like
French onion soup.
37
00:01:22,880 --> 00:01:24,540
You really want
to get into this?
38
00:01:24,540 --> 00:01:26,790
[ Chuckles ]
39
00:01:26,790 --> 00:01:27,830
Oh.
[ Door closes ]
40
00:01:27,830 --> 00:01:30,710
Oh, you are the best baby
in the world.
41
00:01:30,710 --> 00:01:32,330
Yes, you are!
42
00:01:32,330 --> 00:01:33,830
Aww.
43
00:01:33,830 --> 00:01:35,620
I want one just like you.
44
00:01:35,620 --> 00:01:42,750
♪♪
45
00:01:42,750 --> 00:01:50,120
♪♪
46
00:01:50,120 --> 00:01:57,540
♪♪
47
00:01:57,540 --> 00:02:04,750
♪♪
48
00:02:04,750 --> 00:02:12,120
♪♪
49
00:02:14,170 --> 00:02:17,460
"The Conners" is filmed
in front of a live
studio audience.
50
00:02:17,460 --> 00:02:19,620
Thanks for everything,
Dad.
51
00:02:19,620 --> 00:02:21,750
Without you, we never would have
been able to open tomorrow.
52
00:02:23,460 --> 00:02:26,380
Well, thanks for paying me
with a hug.
53
00:02:26,380 --> 00:02:29,620
And, I assume,
a lifetime of free stew.
54
00:02:29,620 --> 00:02:32,170
How about
a lifetime of free hugs
55
00:02:32,170 --> 00:02:33,540
and stew for a week?
56
00:02:33,540 --> 00:02:34,380
Sold.
57
00:02:35,830 --> 00:02:37,210
And thank you, too,
Dwight.
58
00:02:37,210 --> 00:02:38,830
You've been a huge help.
59
00:02:38,830 --> 00:02:40,500
No need to fuss over me.
60
00:02:40,500 --> 00:02:43,170
I'm uncomfortable
being in the spotlight.
61
00:02:43,170 --> 00:02:46,500
I like to be the handmaiden,
not the queen.
62
00:02:46,500 --> 00:02:48,500
Jackie: You're not sculpting
the "David."
[ Slow chopping ]
63
00:02:48,500 --> 00:02:51,460
You're chopping carrots, Barry.
Chop faster!
64
00:02:51,460 --> 00:02:53,620
[ Chopping quickens ]
Chop faster! Chop --
65
00:02:53,620 --> 00:02:54,830
[ Chopping stops ]
Uh-oh. Oh!
66
00:02:54,830 --> 00:02:56,420
Oh, good Lord!
67
00:02:56,420 --> 00:02:57,670
Oh!
68
00:02:57,670 --> 00:02:59,290
Put that finger in milk!
69
00:02:59,290 --> 00:03:00,380
Ugh!
70
00:03:00,380 --> 00:03:01,790
We have an emergency, Dan.
71
00:03:01,790 --> 00:03:03,750
Can you drive our cook
to the hospital?
72
00:03:03,750 --> 00:03:05,290
How bad is he bleeding?
73
00:03:05,290 --> 00:03:07,040
Is he sitting in the cab
or the flatbed?
74
00:03:07,040 --> 00:03:08,290
Oh, this is flatbed.
75
00:03:08,290 --> 00:03:10,710
Oh, my God.
76
00:03:10,710 --> 00:03:12,750
Oh, my God,
we open in 10 hours.
77
00:03:12,750 --> 00:03:15,040
Ohh!
Oh, my God!
Oh!
78
00:03:15,040 --> 00:03:17,710
Becky, Becky,
you got to be the chef.
79
00:03:17,710 --> 00:03:20,250
I don't know to cook
for a whole restaurant!
80
00:03:20,250 --> 00:03:21,880
Unless you want me
to breast-feed
81
00:03:21,880 --> 00:03:23,830
the entire lunch crowd.
82
00:03:23,830 --> 00:03:25,080
[ Chuckles ]
83
00:03:25,080 --> 00:03:27,000
That actually set my mind
to wander.
84
00:03:28,330 --> 00:03:31,330
But maybe I can help out.
I used to do a little cooking.
85
00:03:31,330 --> 00:03:33,170
This is not a time
to fool around.
86
00:03:33,170 --> 00:03:35,750
Do you have
real restaurant experience?
87
00:03:35,750 --> 00:03:37,920
'Cause this isn't like
grabbing a squirrel by
the side of the road
88
00:03:37,920 --> 00:03:40,960
and cooking it
on your carburetor!
89
00:03:40,960 --> 00:03:42,830
The carburetor
doesn't get hot enough.
90
00:03:42,830 --> 00:03:45,210
It's the manifold.
91
00:03:45,210 --> 00:03:47,830
And I'll have you know, I used
to be a chef at Applebee's.
92
00:03:47,830 --> 00:03:49,880
No way! Really?
93
00:03:49,880 --> 00:03:51,710
How come we didn't know that
about you?
94
00:03:51,710 --> 00:03:53,580
Oh, I think, with
the hair and the beard,
people just assume --
95
00:03:53,580 --> 00:03:55,040
Nobody cares, Custer.
96
00:03:55,040 --> 00:03:56,790
Get in the kitchen,
97
00:03:56,790 --> 00:03:59,210
start prepping the stew
so it's ready in the morning.
98
00:03:59,210 --> 00:04:00,500
Is this gonna be
the kind of restaurant
99
00:04:00,500 --> 00:04:01,960
where people say
"please"?
100
00:04:01,960 --> 00:04:03,290
Oh, for God's sakes.
101
00:04:03,290 --> 00:04:04,620
Please!
102
00:04:04,620 --> 00:04:06,290
Is this gonna be
the kind of restaurant
103
00:04:06,290 --> 00:04:09,250
where people take
the Lord's name in vain?
104
00:04:09,250 --> 00:04:10,460
You might want to be
the handmaiden,
105
00:04:10,460 --> 00:04:12,170
but I'm getting
all kinds of queen.
106
00:04:13,670 --> 00:04:17,420
♪♪
107
00:04:17,420 --> 00:04:21,750
Behold the most dangerous baby
in the world.
108
00:04:21,750 --> 00:04:26,670
So dangerous that she must be
kept away from the populace,
109
00:04:26,670 --> 00:04:28,420
in a nylon cage.
110
00:04:31,330 --> 00:04:32,790
Oh, so, you're one of those
obituary guys, huh?
111
00:04:32,790 --> 00:04:34,210
Yeah.
112
00:04:34,210 --> 00:04:35,880
I always read them
hoping that somebody died
113
00:04:35,880 --> 00:04:36,790
that I owe money to.
114
00:04:36,790 --> 00:04:38,540
[ Laughs ]
115
00:04:38,540 --> 00:04:40,540
Just once, I'd like to see
a credit-card company in here.
116
00:04:40,540 --> 00:04:43,460
[ Chuckles ]
117
00:04:43,460 --> 00:04:45,040
Hmm.
118
00:04:45,040 --> 00:04:47,670
Somebody in here
I actually know.
119
00:04:47,670 --> 00:04:49,380
How?
How much did you owe them?
120
00:04:49,380 --> 00:04:51,210
Are we having
pizza crust and eggs,
121
00:04:51,210 --> 00:04:52,710
or are we going out
for breakfast?
122
00:04:54,170 --> 00:04:55,540
My father.
123
00:04:55,540 --> 00:04:56,330
What?
124
00:04:57,960 --> 00:05:00,250
I'm sorry, Dan.
125
00:05:00,250 --> 00:05:01,620
Are you okay?
126
00:05:01,620 --> 00:05:04,500
Oh, I'm fine.
I haven't seen him in 20 years.
127
00:05:04,500 --> 00:05:08,040
And based on this,
I see that trend continuing.
128
00:05:10,790 --> 00:05:12,580
I'm sorry about your grandpa.
How are you doing?
129
00:05:12,580 --> 00:05:14,250
Oh, I'm okay.
130
00:05:14,250 --> 00:05:16,920
I mean, he was kind of a
deadbeat when my dad was young,
131
00:05:16,920 --> 00:05:19,000
and then as soon as he had
a second family,
132
00:05:19,000 --> 00:05:20,420
we never really
saw him at all.
133
00:05:20,420 --> 00:05:22,330
I mean, I honestly didn't
even remember
134
00:05:22,330 --> 00:05:23,750
that he was still alive.
135
00:05:23,750 --> 00:05:25,380
Who was alive?
136
00:05:25,380 --> 00:05:26,750
Grandpa Ed.
137
00:05:26,750 --> 00:05:27,830
He's alive?
138
00:05:27,830 --> 00:05:28,710
No.
139
00:05:30,290 --> 00:05:31,250
Not anymore.
140
00:05:32,830 --> 00:05:35,330
So, what the hell happened
last night?
141
00:05:35,330 --> 00:05:37,920
I get home from work,
and you're on the couch,
142
00:05:37,920 --> 00:05:39,380
and I found Beverly Rose
143
00:05:39,380 --> 00:05:41,920
sleeping on Ben's chest
upstairs.
144
00:05:41,920 --> 00:05:44,500
Well, uh, all the crying
made Ben's milk come in,
145
00:05:44,500 --> 00:05:46,000
so we didn't want
to waste it.
146
00:05:48,880 --> 00:05:50,580
Ohh.
147
00:05:50,580 --> 00:05:51,670
Ohh.
148
00:05:51,670 --> 00:05:53,500
I'm sorry.
149
00:05:53,500 --> 00:05:55,040
I just wanted the baby
to hear a heart
150
00:05:55,040 --> 00:05:56,080
that's not made of stone.
151
00:05:58,330 --> 00:05:59,920
[ Beverly Rose coos ]
Eh, we're working
on our words today.
152
00:05:59,920 --> 00:06:01,380
Is it okay
if we go downstairs
153
00:06:01,380 --> 00:06:03,120
and learn the name
of everything in your room?
154
00:06:03,120 --> 00:06:05,710
Knock yourself out.
155
00:06:05,710 --> 00:06:09,250
But stay away from
the top drawer in my nightstand.
156
00:06:09,250 --> 00:06:10,460
It's only for Mommy.
157
00:06:14,670 --> 00:06:17,580
[ Singsong voice ]
Your boyfriend wants a baby.
158
00:06:17,580 --> 00:06:20,880
Oh, you are out of
your pickled alcoholic mind.
159
00:06:22,380 --> 00:06:24,080
You know,
he's never around babies,
160
00:06:24,080 --> 00:06:26,420
so he just thinks of it
as a toy.
161
00:06:26,420 --> 00:06:30,420
As soon as he breaks a couple
parts off, he'll lose interest.
162
00:06:30,420 --> 00:06:31,750
[ Normal voice ]
I don't know.
163
00:06:31,750 --> 00:06:35,170
Let's check in on them,
shall we?
164
00:06:35,170 --> 00:06:37,580
Uncle Ben worries
that you're lonely
165
00:06:37,580 --> 00:06:40,790
and that maybe you could use
a little cousin to play with.
166
00:06:42,750 --> 00:06:45,210
It's a special burden
being right all the time.
167
00:06:46,830 --> 00:06:48,460
T-This is crazy.
168
00:06:48,460 --> 00:06:51,170
He's never said anything
about wanting a baby before.
169
00:06:51,170 --> 00:06:52,710
You need to talk to him.
170
00:06:52,710 --> 00:06:54,460
Yeah, I will,
but this is stupid.
171
00:06:54,460 --> 00:06:57,750
I mean, even if I wanted one,
he knows I'm like 100.
172
00:06:59,580 --> 00:07:02,040
Hey, you might still have
a couple pterodactyl eggs
173
00:07:02,040 --> 00:07:05,000
rolling around in that
prehistoric womb of yours.
174
00:07:05,000 --> 00:07:06,500
Alright,
I guess I deserve that
175
00:07:06,500 --> 00:07:08,670
for all the jokes I made
about your wrinkled uterus.
176
00:07:11,000 --> 00:07:13,500
You said my cervix was where
they filmed "Golden Girls."
177
00:07:15,420 --> 00:07:16,750
[ Laughing ] Oh, yeah.
178
00:07:16,750 --> 00:07:17,710
Ssss!
179
00:07:17,710 --> 00:07:19,290
♪♪
180
00:07:23,380 --> 00:07:25,830
Well?
How's my stew?
181
00:07:25,830 --> 00:07:28,170
Jiminy Cricket on a cracker,
this is good!
182
00:07:30,170 --> 00:07:31,880
Well, you feel like
you got this?
183
00:07:31,880 --> 00:07:33,500
You bet.
'Cause it's opening day.
184
00:07:33,500 --> 00:07:35,210
And just remember,
you're the only thing
185
00:07:35,210 --> 00:07:37,250
standing between me
and sleeping on the street.
186
00:07:37,250 --> 00:07:39,290
And it's not just me --
it's Becky and her baby,
187
00:07:39,290 --> 00:07:40,540
and I'm pretty sure
we're on the hook
188
00:07:40,540 --> 00:07:43,710
for a prosthetic finger
for Barry.
189
00:07:43,710 --> 00:07:46,620
Uh, yeah, I put every dime
I've got into this place.
190
00:07:46,620 --> 00:07:47,710
It's all on you, buddy.
191
00:07:47,710 --> 00:07:49,000
Go get 'em!
192
00:07:52,620 --> 00:07:55,420
[ Chuckles nervously ]
193
00:07:55,420 --> 00:07:56,420
Okay.
194
00:07:58,120 --> 00:07:59,120
Oop.
195
00:08:02,960 --> 00:08:04,750
Hey, Dad, where you going?
196
00:08:04,750 --> 00:08:06,750
Somebody called me
to bid on a job.
197
00:08:06,750 --> 00:08:09,040
Can't it wait?
I mean, your dad just died.
198
00:08:09,040 --> 00:08:11,420
It takes time to process
something like that.
199
00:08:11,420 --> 00:08:12,250
You're right.
200
00:08:14,710 --> 00:08:15,960
There, processed.
201
00:08:17,710 --> 00:08:19,380
[ Sighs ]
202
00:08:19,380 --> 00:08:20,830
Men are
all over the map.
203
00:08:20,830 --> 00:08:22,540
My dad buries
all his emotions,
204
00:08:22,540 --> 00:08:24,960
and you giggle like
a pothead watching SpongeBob
205
00:08:24,960 --> 00:08:26,210
when you're with the baby.
206
00:08:26,210 --> 00:08:27,790
[ Chuckles ]
Oh.
207
00:08:27,790 --> 00:08:29,880
Becky actually thought --
208
00:08:29,880 --> 00:08:31,750
you're gonna love this --
209
00:08:31,750 --> 00:08:33,620
that you want to have a baby
with me.
210
00:08:33,620 --> 00:08:34,790
[ Chuckles ]
211
00:08:37,120 --> 00:08:39,040
Come on,
laugh along with me.
212
00:08:41,170 --> 00:08:42,830
Wouldn't you love
to have a baby?
213
00:08:44,830 --> 00:08:47,580
God, no.
They're soul-sucking monsters.
214
00:08:49,460 --> 00:08:52,330
Okay, I can see
you're on the fence.
215
00:08:52,330 --> 00:08:53,920
Ben, I-I-I'm broke.
216
00:08:53,920 --> 00:08:55,290
I've already got two kids,
217
00:08:55,290 --> 00:08:57,080
and we're trying
to start a business.
218
00:08:57,080 --> 00:08:59,790
This is literally
the worst possible time.
219
00:08:59,790 --> 00:09:02,500
Oh, well, uh, you know,
10 years from now,
220
00:09:02,500 --> 00:09:05,830
when we regret not doing it,
will be a worse time.
221
00:09:05,830 --> 00:09:07,790
I'm willing to live
with your regrets.
222
00:09:09,620 --> 00:09:11,080
Come on!
223
00:09:11,080 --> 00:09:13,170
We could have
a great baby.
224
00:09:13,170 --> 00:09:16,250
A baby that's half me
and half you
225
00:09:16,250 --> 00:09:19,120
would be smart and funny
and...
226
00:09:19,120 --> 00:09:20,960
whatever you bring
to the table.
227
00:09:24,290 --> 00:09:27,080
Why are you dropping
this bomb on me now?
228
00:09:27,080 --> 00:09:30,330
I...guess I always knew
I wanted a baby.
229
00:09:30,330 --> 00:09:31,540
It's just that
now we're back together,
230
00:09:31,540 --> 00:09:34,080
and things are going so great
between us,
231
00:09:34,080 --> 00:09:35,830
having a baby would make it
that much better.
232
00:09:35,830 --> 00:09:37,120
[ Scoffs ]
233
00:09:37,120 --> 00:09:38,880
That just proves
you know nothing
234
00:09:38,880 --> 00:09:41,290
about how hard it is
to raise a kid.
235
00:09:41,290 --> 00:09:43,420
I mean,
you've never been dog-tired
236
00:09:43,420 --> 00:09:46,210
because the baby won't sleep
or worried out of your mind
237
00:09:46,210 --> 00:09:48,460
because you've never seen
a fever that high.
238
00:09:48,460 --> 00:09:50,330
And then there's
all the emotional stuff,
239
00:09:50,330 --> 00:09:51,790
when they're crying
their eyes out
240
00:09:51,790 --> 00:09:53,380
because they were bullied
241
00:09:53,380 --> 00:09:56,210
or they weren't invited
to the cool party.
242
00:09:56,210 --> 00:09:58,330
Well,
since it's half my kid,
243
00:09:58,330 --> 00:10:00,000
it's getting invited
to the cool parties.
244
00:10:02,790 --> 00:10:05,500
Ben...I love you.
245
00:10:05,500 --> 00:10:07,000
I-I just can't
do it again.
246
00:10:08,330 --> 00:10:11,120
Okay, w-well, can't we just
talk about it more?
247
00:10:13,170 --> 00:10:14,210
I'm sorry.
248
00:10:14,210 --> 00:10:16,460
I can't go back
to the beginning.
249
00:10:20,290 --> 00:10:21,880
[ Knock on door ]
250
00:10:21,880 --> 00:10:23,670
Come on in!
251
00:10:23,670 --> 00:10:26,210
[ Door opens ]
But if you're selling something,
we, uh --
252
00:10:26,210 --> 00:10:28,210
well, we probably
already have it.
253
00:10:28,210 --> 00:10:30,040
Wow.
Hey. Dan Conner.
254
00:10:30,040 --> 00:10:31,920
You called me
about a drywall job?
255
00:10:33,580 --> 00:10:35,290
Yeah.
256
00:10:35,290 --> 00:10:36,290
I'm Ed.
257
00:10:37,620 --> 00:10:39,210
Did your cleaning lady
take the week off,
258
00:10:39,210 --> 00:10:42,420
or is she somewhere
underneath all this?
259
00:10:42,420 --> 00:10:44,420
Funny guy.
260
00:10:44,420 --> 00:10:47,040
It was my dad's house,
and he, uh, just died.
261
00:10:48,750 --> 00:10:51,670
Yeah, he was all...
screwed up towards the end.
262
00:10:51,670 --> 00:10:53,580
He was living in this.
263
00:10:53,580 --> 00:10:55,120
[ Sighs ]
I'm sorry.
264
00:10:57,290 --> 00:11:00,330
When you get old,
you get a little eccentric.
265
00:11:00,330 --> 00:11:02,790
I got chickens
in my backyard.
266
00:11:02,790 --> 00:11:06,120
I never thought
I'd be that guy.
267
00:11:06,120 --> 00:11:08,460
No, I know
what kind of guy you are...
268
00:11:08,460 --> 00:11:09,790
bro.
269
00:11:11,120 --> 00:11:13,040
Is there a problem?
270
00:11:13,040 --> 00:11:15,000
You seem
a little pissed off.
271
00:11:15,000 --> 00:11:17,830
I have the right to be...
Dan.
272
00:11:17,830 --> 00:11:20,250
I'm Ed's son -- Ed Jr.
273
00:11:21,830 --> 00:11:24,380
Got it now...big bro?
274
00:11:24,380 --> 00:11:26,540
[ Gasps ]
275
00:11:26,540 --> 00:11:28,250
Little Ed.
276
00:11:28,250 --> 00:11:31,540
It's been like 20 years.
277
00:11:31,540 --> 00:11:33,620
Why didn't you just
tell me that on the phone?
278
00:11:33,620 --> 00:11:35,460
Because I knew
you wouldn't come.
279
00:11:35,460 --> 00:11:37,540
So you decided
to ambush me instead?
280
00:11:37,540 --> 00:11:39,830
You didn't even know
our dad was sick.
281
00:11:39,830 --> 00:11:41,830
While you were off
living your carefree life,
282
00:11:41,830 --> 00:11:44,500
my sister and I dropped
everything to take care of him
283
00:11:44,500 --> 00:11:46,670
until the day he died
with nothing.
284
00:11:46,670 --> 00:11:48,290
Looks like he died
with everything.
285
00:11:49,830 --> 00:11:51,000
[ Sighs ]
286
00:11:51,000 --> 00:11:53,580
What do you want from me?
287
00:11:53,580 --> 00:11:56,380
I don't have enough money to fix
this place up so I can sell it.
288
00:11:56,380 --> 00:11:57,880
You're gonna help me
fix it.
289
00:11:57,880 --> 00:11:59,120
You owe me.
290
00:11:59,120 --> 00:12:02,040
I don't owe you
a damn thing.
291
00:12:02,040 --> 00:12:03,120
I don't owe him
a damn thing.
292
00:12:03,120 --> 00:12:04,710
He was a lowlife
son of a bitch
293
00:12:04,710 --> 00:12:07,250
who treated me and my mother
like garbage his whole life.
294
00:12:07,250 --> 00:12:10,540
That's exactly
what my dad said you'd say.
295
00:12:10,540 --> 00:12:12,710
Told me you were a liar
who only cared about himself.
296
00:12:12,710 --> 00:12:14,880
Well, he must've been looking
in the mirror when he said that.
297
00:12:14,880 --> 00:12:16,580
Oh, really?
298
00:12:16,580 --> 00:12:18,710
If you're such a great guy, how
come you never even tried once
299
00:12:18,710 --> 00:12:20,460
to get in touch with him
or me?!
300
00:12:20,460 --> 00:12:22,710
I did! I did!
301
00:12:22,710 --> 00:12:24,330
Boy.
302
00:12:24,330 --> 00:12:27,420
I got to hand it
to the old man.
303
00:12:27,420 --> 00:12:31,000
Nobody could sell a load of crap
better than that guy!
304
00:12:31,000 --> 00:12:33,250
You know something?
305
00:12:33,250 --> 00:12:36,210
I didn't feel anything
when I found out he died.
306
00:12:36,210 --> 00:12:38,330
Now I feel pretty good
about it.
307
00:12:38,330 --> 00:12:39,830
You better shut your mouth,
or I'm gonna shut it for you.
308
00:12:39,830 --> 00:12:41,540
Are you threatening me?
309
00:12:41,540 --> 00:12:42,920
'Cause I can
knock you stupid
310
00:12:42,920 --> 00:12:44,620
with about eight things
within arm's reach.
311
00:12:44,620 --> 00:12:45,750
Let's throw, old times.
312
00:12:45,750 --> 00:12:46,710
Bring it.
313
00:12:49,290 --> 00:12:50,710
You hit the king,
you better kill him.
314
00:12:54,580 --> 00:12:55,880
Not worth it.
315
00:12:58,380 --> 00:12:59,710
I didn't think so.
316
00:13:04,080 --> 00:13:05,250
You know what?
317
00:13:06,670 --> 00:13:09,170
I'm taking this microwave
'cause you wasted my time.
318
00:13:10,250 --> 00:13:11,500
And all the TV Guides
inside.
319
00:13:11,500 --> 00:13:14,920
♪♪
320
00:13:17,330 --> 00:13:19,670
Dwight!
Open the damn door!
321
00:13:19,670 --> 00:13:22,210
Dwight: Go away, Jackie.
I can't talk to you.
322
00:13:22,210 --> 00:13:23,500
He's still in there?
323
00:13:23,500 --> 00:13:24,790
If we don't get him
cooking soon,
324
00:13:24,790 --> 00:13:26,000
people are gonna
start leaving
325
00:13:26,000 --> 00:13:27,330
and we're not gonna
get them back.
326
00:13:27,330 --> 00:13:30,000
Thanks for the tip,
master of the obvious!
327
00:13:30,000 --> 00:13:31,620
Let me try.
328
00:13:31,620 --> 00:13:34,330
Uh, Dwight,
Jackie's gone.
329
00:13:34,330 --> 00:13:36,830
What's going on?
330
00:13:36,830 --> 00:13:38,250
I got the jitters.
331
00:13:38,250 --> 00:13:40,330
What's that?
332
00:13:40,330 --> 00:13:42,250
I'm sweating,
my heart's pounding,
333
00:13:42,250 --> 00:13:43,790
and I feel like
I'm fixin' to die.
334
00:13:43,790 --> 00:13:45,080
You know, the jitters.
335
00:13:45,080 --> 00:13:46,670
[ Whispering ]
It's a panic attack.
336
00:13:46,670 --> 00:13:48,750
Okay, you go back out front.
I got this.
337
00:13:48,750 --> 00:13:50,000
Don't make me
go out there!
338
00:13:50,000 --> 00:13:51,420
[ Sighs ]
It's getting ugly.
339
00:13:51,420 --> 00:13:54,170
We've armed them
with forks and knives!
340
00:13:54,170 --> 00:13:55,540
Dwight?
[ Doorknob rattles ]
341
00:13:55,540 --> 00:13:59,000
Dwight, you might not know this,
but I am formerly
342
00:13:59,000 --> 00:14:01,460
Lanford's number-one
professional life coach,
343
00:14:01,460 --> 00:14:05,000
and my clinical training
is in the jitters.
344
00:14:06,790 --> 00:14:08,250
[ Sighs ] Okay.
345
00:14:08,250 --> 00:14:10,920
Okay, first,
we're gonna calm you down.
346
00:14:10,920 --> 00:14:12,420
I want you to take
a short breath,
347
00:14:12,420 --> 00:14:15,120
followed by
a very long exhale.
348
00:14:15,120 --> 00:14:16,670
[ Inhales sharply ]
Good. Good!
349
00:14:16,670 --> 00:14:17,830
You keep doing that.
350
00:14:17,830 --> 00:14:20,330
Now, Dwight,
what is going on?
351
00:14:20,330 --> 00:14:22,540
I don't think
I can do this job.
352
00:14:22,540 --> 00:14:25,880
Why? Everything I've tasted
so far has been fantastic!
353
00:14:25,880 --> 00:14:28,000
It's not the cooking.
It's the baseball.
354
00:14:28,000 --> 00:14:30,460
Of course it is.
355
00:14:30,460 --> 00:14:32,250
Been anxious my whole life.
356
00:14:32,250 --> 00:14:33,920
Baseball was an escape --
357
00:14:33,920 --> 00:14:36,170
'til I got into
the minor leagues.
358
00:14:36,170 --> 00:14:37,830
I was a pitcher
for the Midland Rockhounds,
359
00:14:37,830 --> 00:14:39,170
and I was so good
360
00:14:39,170 --> 00:14:40,790
that they scheduled me to pitch
on opening day.
361
00:14:40,790 --> 00:14:42,330
Uh-huh. Okay.
362
00:14:42,330 --> 00:14:45,290
Restaurant folding up outside,
but go on. Continue.
363
00:14:45,290 --> 00:14:47,420
Before the game,
the manager says,
364
00:14:47,420 --> 00:14:49,580
"Everyone's
depending on you."
365
00:14:49,580 --> 00:14:51,290
My head started spinning.
366
00:14:51,290 --> 00:14:53,620
And then when you said,
"It's all on you"...
367
00:14:53,620 --> 00:14:55,290
Oh.
...started getting
the same feeling.
368
00:14:55,290 --> 00:14:57,170
Oh, Dwight.
I'm getting it now.
369
00:14:57,170 --> 00:14:58,960
No, no, no.
No, no! Exhale!
No, no.
I'm getting it now.
370
00:14:58,960 --> 00:15:00,380
Dwight. Dwight.
Exhale.
371
00:15:00,380 --> 00:15:02,420
Dwight! Dwight!
372
00:15:02,420 --> 00:15:05,290
You're picturing yourself
on a beach.
373
00:15:05,290 --> 00:15:08,460
It's quiet.
You're alone.
374
00:15:08,460 --> 00:15:11,170
And no one needs anything
from you.
375
00:15:11,170 --> 00:15:13,620
[ Pounding on door ]
Becky: People are leaving!
376
00:15:13,620 --> 00:15:17,170
We're dying out here,
Jackie!
377
00:15:17,170 --> 00:15:19,170
We're on a private beach,
Becky!
378
00:15:20,710 --> 00:15:22,080
[ Door opens ]
379
00:15:22,080 --> 00:15:23,080
[ Clears throat ]
380
00:15:24,290 --> 00:15:26,420
[ Sniffles ]
381
00:15:26,420 --> 00:15:27,920
What do you want?
382
00:15:27,920 --> 00:15:29,290
I got to thinking
383
00:15:29,290 --> 00:15:31,290
about the quality family time
we spent together today,
384
00:15:31,290 --> 00:15:33,420
and I remembered
I had something at the house
385
00:15:33,420 --> 00:15:35,880
I always wanted
to give to you.
386
00:15:35,880 --> 00:15:39,000
10 letters I wrote
to you and your sister,
387
00:15:39,000 --> 00:15:41,540
all sent to the last house
you lived in --
388
00:15:41,540 --> 00:15:43,000
all returned
389
00:15:43,000 --> 00:15:46,080
with "Not at this address"
written on them.
390
00:15:46,080 --> 00:15:48,500
Recognize the handwriting?
391
00:15:48,500 --> 00:15:50,330
Yeah.
392
00:15:50,330 --> 00:15:52,080
I guess it looks like my dad's.
So what?
393
00:15:52,080 --> 00:15:53,620
He wanted
to keep us apart.
394
00:15:55,330 --> 00:15:58,330
I abandoned him
for what he did to me.
395
00:15:58,330 --> 00:16:00,250
But I never wanted
to abandon you.
396
00:16:02,330 --> 00:16:04,920
I don't know what to do
with any of this.
397
00:16:04,920 --> 00:16:07,040
You want me to hate him
like you do, and I can't.
398
00:16:07,040 --> 00:16:09,880
He was a...
[ Sighs ]
399
00:16:09,880 --> 00:16:11,540
He was a good dad to me.
400
00:16:13,750 --> 00:16:15,790
Hey, you're lucky.
401
00:16:15,790 --> 00:16:18,250
You can miss your dad.
402
00:16:18,250 --> 00:16:19,460
Doesn't feel lucky.
403
00:16:22,380 --> 00:16:23,500
Thanks for these.
404
00:16:23,500 --> 00:16:24,420
Yeah.
405
00:16:29,790 --> 00:16:31,960
Hey.
406
00:16:31,960 --> 00:16:34,880
There's about four years' worth
of "Happy birthdays" in there.
407
00:16:34,880 --> 00:16:39,040
I got to admit, I took out all
the scratchers and tried 'em.
408
00:16:39,040 --> 00:16:40,670
I won millions.
409
00:16:42,290 --> 00:16:44,750
But I blew it all
on private jets,
410
00:16:44,750 --> 00:16:47,960
dinners with Madonna.
411
00:16:47,960 --> 00:16:49,290
Chick eats like a horse.
412
00:16:51,670 --> 00:16:53,420
Madonna joke.
413
00:16:53,420 --> 00:16:54,880
[ Clicks tongue ]
Fresh.
414
00:16:56,330 --> 00:16:58,040
Hey, want to go grab
a few beers,
415
00:16:58,040 --> 00:16:59,580
maybe get
something to eat?
416
00:16:59,580 --> 00:17:00,670
You paying?
417
00:17:00,670 --> 00:17:02,500
[ Chuckles ]
418
00:17:02,500 --> 00:17:04,000
I'm not trying
to act like a big shot,
419
00:17:04,000 --> 00:17:05,670
but you're looking at a guy
420
00:17:05,670 --> 00:17:07,710
who's getting free stew
for a week.
421
00:17:07,710 --> 00:17:09,040
[ Clicks tongue ]
422
00:17:11,120 --> 00:17:14,000
Dwight's back on the grill.
Sorry for the delay, everybody.
423
00:17:14,000 --> 00:17:15,250
Dessert's on us.
424
00:17:15,250 --> 00:17:16,330
How'd you get him out?
425
00:17:16,330 --> 00:17:18,960
Well, a panic attack
is a downward spiral
426
00:17:18,960 --> 00:17:20,250
of fear and panic.
427
00:17:20,250 --> 00:17:21,460
The more fear,
the more panic.
428
00:17:21,460 --> 00:17:24,290
So one way to break the cycle
is you get them
429
00:17:24,290 --> 00:17:27,460
to mindfully focus on something
that holds their attention.
430
00:17:27,460 --> 00:17:28,790
So what did you do?
[ Clears throat ]
431
00:17:28,790 --> 00:17:31,000
I told him he was
on a private beach
432
00:17:31,000 --> 00:17:32,880
that had
a topless life coach.
433
00:17:35,710 --> 00:17:37,170
You showed him
your boobs?
434
00:17:37,170 --> 00:17:38,880
Uh...I can't say.
435
00:17:38,880 --> 00:17:40,580
Life coach-client privilege.
436
00:17:40,580 --> 00:17:42,000
But, uh...
437
00:17:44,540 --> 00:17:45,380
[ Chuckles ]
438
00:17:47,620 --> 00:17:49,000
...he thought
they were amazing.
439
00:17:50,170 --> 00:17:51,960
♪♪
440
00:17:51,960 --> 00:17:54,460
I want a hamster,
and Doctor Woofy agrees.
441
00:17:54,460 --> 00:17:56,710
[ Deep voice ]
Mary should have a hamster.
442
00:17:56,710 --> 00:17:58,250
I need your car!
Quick!
443
00:17:58,250 --> 00:17:59,790
Why?
I got to get to work.
444
00:17:59,790 --> 00:18:01,830
Mark: Who cares?
I have a unit test.
445
00:18:01,830 --> 00:18:03,920
Everyone else in the world
has a hamster but me!
446
00:18:03,920 --> 00:18:05,290
Just give me the keys.
447
00:18:05,290 --> 00:18:06,540
Alright, when was
the Battle of Antietam?
448
00:18:06,540 --> 00:18:08,540
1862.
Ask me something hard.
449
00:18:08,540 --> 00:18:10,540
I'm gonna lose my job
if I don't go now!
450
00:18:10,540 --> 00:18:11,670
[ Beverly Rose crying ]
451
00:18:11,670 --> 00:18:14,040
Food's coming, Beverly Rose.
Food's coming.
452
00:18:14,040 --> 00:18:15,380
Boy, you look like
you're having fun.
453
00:18:15,380 --> 00:18:17,170
Yeah.
454
00:18:17,170 --> 00:18:18,920
Hey,
I like a challenge.
455
00:18:18,920 --> 00:18:20,830
Uh, you know,
you could've texted me.
456
00:18:20,830 --> 00:18:22,710
Could've.
I didn't need to.
457
00:18:22,710 --> 00:18:24,920
I don't have time for this.
I got to get to work.
458
00:18:24,920 --> 00:18:26,580
Keys.
459
00:18:26,580 --> 00:18:28,250
I know you're not going to work
with those shoes.
460
00:18:28,250 --> 00:18:29,620
You're going to a party.
461
00:18:29,620 --> 00:18:31,420
Uh-huh.
462
00:18:31,420 --> 00:18:32,580
Here.
463
00:18:32,580 --> 00:18:36,170
Feed Lil Bev,
and I'll pay for your Uber.
464
00:18:36,170 --> 00:18:37,460
Good catch for an amateur.
465
00:18:37,460 --> 00:18:39,290
Mm.
466
00:18:39,290 --> 00:18:41,080
Alright, you two
are gonna go upstairs.
467
00:18:41,080 --> 00:18:43,210
You're gonna study.
I'll quiz you later.
468
00:18:43,210 --> 00:18:44,960
You're gonna write down
all 10 reasons
469
00:18:44,960 --> 00:18:46,710
why a puppet dog
would like a hamster,
470
00:18:46,710 --> 00:18:48,210
and then you're gonna send it
to your dad.
471
00:18:50,290 --> 00:18:51,750
[ Sighing ] Oh, man.
472
00:18:51,750 --> 00:18:54,620
[ Chuckling ] You're right.
This is, uh -- This is hard.
473
00:18:54,620 --> 00:18:56,380
[ Laughs ]
474
00:18:56,380 --> 00:18:59,380
But I, uh, think
I handled myself pretty well.
475
00:18:59,380 --> 00:19:01,120
You did --
for 10 minutes.
476
00:19:01,120 --> 00:19:02,920
[ Chuckles ]
477
00:19:02,920 --> 00:19:05,750
Try doing it by yourself
for nine years.
478
00:19:05,750 --> 00:19:08,170
But you wouldn't be doing it
by yourself this time.
479
00:19:08,170 --> 00:19:10,580
We'd be doing it together.
480
00:19:10,580 --> 00:19:13,080
Yeah,
that's what David said.
481
00:19:13,080 --> 00:19:15,170
In case
you haven't noticed,
482
00:19:15,170 --> 00:19:17,540
I'm made of tougher stuff
than David.
483
00:19:17,540 --> 00:19:18,750
Alright?
484
00:19:18,750 --> 00:19:20,670
I don't run
when things get hard.
485
00:19:20,670 --> 00:19:23,210
I walk slowly, like I'm leaving
the room to get something.
486
00:19:26,580 --> 00:19:29,120
And in case
you need more convincing,
487
00:19:29,120 --> 00:19:31,380
you asked David to
watch your kids for a second.
488
00:19:31,380 --> 00:19:34,620
He went to South America
for nine years.
489
00:19:34,620 --> 00:19:36,790
You cheated on me.
490
00:19:36,790 --> 00:19:38,170
You broke my heart.
491
00:19:41,040 --> 00:19:42,330
I'm still here.
492
00:19:46,420 --> 00:19:47,460
Mm.
493
00:19:49,210 --> 00:19:50,710
[ Pen clicks ]
494
00:19:50,710 --> 00:19:51,580
What's that?
495
00:19:51,580 --> 00:19:52,920
A contract.
496
00:19:54,750 --> 00:19:57,960
Says that I will think
about having a baby.
497
00:19:57,960 --> 00:19:59,250
Oh, my God!
498
00:19:59,250 --> 00:20:01,670
Well, this --
this is fantastic!
499
00:20:01,670 --> 00:20:03,080
[ Laughs ]
500
00:20:03,080 --> 00:20:05,580
Now, I'm just gonna think
about it.
501
00:20:05,580 --> 00:20:10,620
And only if you agree
that if we do have a baby --
502
00:20:10,620 --> 00:20:13,620
or babies, God forbid --
503
00:20:13,620 --> 00:20:17,420
and you bail,
then you get sole custody.
504
00:20:17,420 --> 00:20:18,790
[ Laughs ]
505
00:20:20,920 --> 00:20:22,420
Well, I will sign that.
506
00:20:22,420 --> 00:20:24,120
[ Chuckles ]
507
00:20:25,330 --> 00:20:26,500
Uh, wait a second.
508
00:20:26,500 --> 00:20:28,000
You're giving me
Harris and Mark, too?
509
00:20:32,210 --> 00:20:33,710
That's right --
punitive damages.
510
00:20:33,710 --> 00:20:34,620
[ Laughs ]
511
00:20:34,620 --> 00:20:36,080
♪♪
512
00:20:38,750 --> 00:20:42,080
Alright, our first day
is officially over.
513
00:20:42,080 --> 00:20:43,460
Becky, how'd we do?
514
00:20:43,460 --> 00:20:45,210
Not counting credit cards...
515
00:20:45,210 --> 00:20:46,380
[ Adding machine whirs ]
516
00:20:46,380 --> 00:20:48,250
...$1,100!
517
00:20:48,250 --> 00:20:51,000
[ Cheering ]
518
00:20:51,000 --> 00:20:52,710
Hey, everybody.
519
00:20:52,710 --> 00:20:53,880
This is Ed.
520
00:20:53,880 --> 00:20:55,040
Hey, everybody.
521
00:20:55,040 --> 00:20:56,040
-Hey.
-Hey.
-Hey.
522
00:20:56,040 --> 00:20:57,290
Hi, Ed.
523
00:20:57,290 --> 00:20:59,210
Uh, are you working
with my grandpa?
524
00:20:59,210 --> 00:21:01,710
Yeah, we're...
doing a little project.
525
00:21:01,710 --> 00:21:02,960
That's cool.
526
00:21:02,960 --> 00:21:04,580
So I'll probably
see you around.
527
00:21:06,210 --> 00:21:07,960
Hey, Harris.
528
00:21:07,960 --> 00:21:09,170
Yes?
529
00:21:09,170 --> 00:21:10,420
You just hit on
your great-uncle.
530
00:21:12,880 --> 00:21:14,750
Oh, my -- Oh, my G--
531
00:21:14,750 --> 00:21:18,120
I-I-I'm so sorry.
532
00:21:18,120 --> 00:21:20,080
[ As hillbilly ]
What's a matter, Harris?
533
00:21:20,080 --> 00:21:22,210
Yer kinfolk
ain't good enough fer ya?
534
00:21:23,710 --> 00:21:24,710
[ Laughs ]
535
00:21:24,710 --> 00:21:26,830
You touch her,
I'll kill you.
35203
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