All language subtitles for Bobs.Burgers.S11E11.720p.HULU.WEBRip.x264-GalaxyTV

♪ ♪

*BOB'S BURGERS*
Season 11 Episode 11

Episode Title: "Romancing the Beef"
Aired on: February 21, 2021

Subtitles
Sync corrections by srjanapala

"To my special valentine,
you are my everything.

I sleep only
so I can dream of you."

- Aw, Bob.
- Mm-hmm.

Didn't Gene make me
a nice valentine?

It's very romantic for a child?

- Mm-hmm.
- I mean, Dad, did you even make Mom

an embarrassingly mushy
valentine?

- Like your son did?
- Hey, there's a plan in place.

Yeah. We're writing out
the ten things

we love most about each other.

And then we're gonna share 'em
over a bottle of wine.

It's like love homework.

Oh, that's kind of nice.

And hard? I mean,
ten turns out to be a lot.

That's what God said
about the commandments.

Well, we tried to finish them
last night,

but we were making dinner and
then we were cleaning up dinner

and then we were
feeling too gassy,

then we fell asleep
in front of the TV

and I didn't wake up
until a moth flew in my mouth.

And I didn't wake up
until you screamed.

After all these years,
you two still sizzle.

So we just need to find a quiet
minute and crap 'em out.

Lovingly. How about you, Tina?

You excited about
Tammy's Valentine's Day thingy?

It's an Anti-Valentine's Day
thingy, actually.

- Okay.
- It's a party for kids who are tired

of living up to society's
expectation of romance

just because it's February 14th.

So things with Jimmy Jr. are...?

I don't know. He's at
an overnight wrestling meet

this weekend, and before he left
I said, "So, any ideas

about how to handle V-Day
while you're gone?"

And he was like, "What's V-Day?"

And I was like, "That's
my super cool abbreviation

for Valentine's Day?"

But by then he had his
headphones on and was singing

a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
really loud.

- Guy's a catch.
- So when I heard about

Tammy's party,
I was very interested.

Hearts are farts, people,
and Cupid is stupid.

Cupid's just a baby
who likes to watch people kiss.

And I'm not saying any of this

because I don't have
a boyfriend.

You so don't have
a boyfriend, Tammy.

Shut it. So I'm inviting a group

of single girls and guys
who want to get away

from all the
rom-dram for one night.

Sign me up, 'cause that's me.

Ooh, space is actually limited.

Plus, Tina, come on,
you're a total Valentine head.

Nope, nope,
not this year I'm not.

Hmm, I'd valentine that.

Oh, uh, sorry. Hearts are farts.

So Tammy invited me.

Or actually she invited
a bunch of your burgers

and said I could come with.

Oh. A bunch sounds like a lot.

Free advertising?

- Thanks?
- You're welcome.

Bob, Bob, what about
how well Linda sings

that jingle on the radio
about the accident lawyers?

She nails it every time.

I really can do
this myself, Teddy.

Well, you need ten
and I got a list you can use.

- You have a list?
- Forget it.

Linda, what about
Bob's knuckle hair?

Like, sometimes it catches
the light just so?

And it makes you feel safe?

I already got that one.

Ugh, Jimmy's really
going overboard

with his Valentine's shtick
again this year.

"Tie-the-Knot
Garlic Knots Appetizers,

$20." What a friggin' rip-off.

- I'm not not knots interested.
- Way to keep an open mind, Gene.

Oh, crap. Here comes Jimmy.

Hey, Bob, I saw
you guys gawking at my place.

If you were hoping to get
a table for tonight,

you can forget it.

- I'm booked solid.
- We don't care, Jimmy.

I still got dopes calling
and begging for reservations.

I just hold the phone down to
my butt and fart on 'em, so...

Hey, Jimmy,
people are still calling.

Should I just keep farting?

Yeah, if you got 'em
locked and loaded.

The last two were silent.
I had to tell 'em what I did.

I'd send the overflow
to you, Bob,

but I know how scared you are
of actually having customers.

- Zoom.
- Ha. You're standing in your own way.

- Trev, don't...
- What? He is.

Eh, let's go back.
I feel a fart coming on.

I don't want
to waste it in here.

It wouldn't be a waste, Jimmy!

Good one, Dad.

So why aren't we open late

for Valentine's dinner?

Well, we're not really a datey,

romantic restaurant.

We're just a "shove a burger
in your face" place.

And a "sip on a soda
and yak" shack.

Yeah, but tonight
the streets are crawling

with romantic suckers
who haven't gotten

their crap together enough
to book a reservation some place.

Yeah, so?

So they'd probably go
anywhere tonight,

even here.

This is insulting
but kind of inspiring?

I do hate to think
of all those poor lovers

with nowhere to go,
sitting at home,

crying into
their microwave dinners.

I mean, to do it right
we'd have to dress things up.

Tablecloths, candles.

You could borrow
the Valentine's decorations

I got up in my apartment.

You decorate your apartment
for Valentine's Day?

Some of the rooms.
It's not weird that I do that.

No, it's not weird.
It's just sad.

I wonder how many people
we could pack into this dump.

Teddy, do you think you could
pull the booths away

from the wall so we could
squeeze two couples in each?

Sure. I bet whoever put 'em in
didn't even attach 'em

'cause they didn't know
you guys that well back then.

Plus he might have been
going through a divorce

and so he cut some corners
on some jobs sometimes. Uh...

Maybe we go a little fancier
with the menu,

like a prix fixe?

I-I haven't ground the meat yet.

Instead of burgers
I could do chuck steaks.

We had a substitute teacher
named Chuck Steaks once.

- Ooh, and wine.
- Right, wine. Uh, do we have enough?

Yeah, we got
a few bottles upstairs.

Plus the backup bottles.

Plus the emergency
backup bottles.

- Plus the secret emergency...
- Sounds like we're good.

The real gold is
in tableside services,

which could be provided
by Gene and myself.

Roses, candy,
serenades for tips, et cetera.

Hmm. Don't know about that,
plus who would bus tables?

You know I love getting
my bus on, Dad,

- but I'm going to Tammy's party.
- We'd cover it,

and you'd be making
so much money,

you wouldn't even notice
how bad we are at bussing.

- That's the spirit.
- Are we doing this, people?

Are we making some dumb
desperate love money tonight?

- Yeah, let's do it.
- Yay.

Now, I don't think the name
Bob's Burgers

works with the new concept.

Maybe for the night we're Bob.

- Or Bugers.
- Or Urge.

Urge. It's kind of edgy.

Yay, Urge. Everybody's got 'em.

My therapist says some are good
and some are perfectly normal,

- but I should stop bringing them up.
- Okay, everybody, get to work.

And Gene and I will get
the word about Urge out.

The wordge.

- ♪ Urge ♪
- ♪ Urge ♪

- ♪ Is the wordge ♪
- ♪ Wordge ♪

- ♪ Urge ♪
- ♪ Urge ♪

- ♪ Is the wordge ♪
- ♪ Oh ♪

♪ They're makin' it swanky ♪

♪ It's money in the bank-y ♪

♪ Urge is the wordge. ♪

Wow. It looks amazing.

I'd fall in love with
a wig on a basketball in here.

Gene, I kind of wish
you weren't dressed like that.

- It's a mood maker.
- Yeah, he's Cupid. Aw.

And your T-shirt makes
a great diaper, Dad.

Hmm. Uh, Teddy,
thanks for all your help.

And, uh, see you tomorrow?

- Whoa. Why?
- Well, tonight we're...

- kind of just for couples.
- I mean... seven, eight, nine.

There's an odd number of stools,
so I can be the one single.

Plus I can spend some time
with someone

I'd like to get
to know better. Me.

You've been under your own nose
the whole time.

Oh, crap. Lin, our valentines.

It's okay, we'll do 'em
later tonight, right?

- When we're rich and gorgeous.
- Okay, pep talk.

Mom, Dad, bring it in.
I love you, but...

- Don't mess this up.
- Okay. That was fair.

All right,
now people just have to come.

Mm.

Hmm.

- Okay, let's close.
- We gave it a shot.

Oh, cute.

Hello, hi, come on in.

Oh, my God, we're a fancy,
successful restaurant.

Hey there, chuck steak.
"Hiya, Bob."

Whoa, cool deep voice,
chuck steak.

"So, you gonna
grind me up or what?"

No, because you're gonna be
a steak on a prix fixe menu.

"Prix fixe?"
I thought you'd be excited.

Uh, can I call you Chuck?

"Maybe."

So, welcome to Urge.

Don't mind the couple
on the other side

of the privacy partition.

You're way hotter than them.

And, no, I did not
say that to them, too.

- You're hotter.
- Happy to be anywhere.

Someone forgot
to make a reservation.

Oh, like it's my job?

Am I a professional
restaurant reservationist?

No, I'm a professional doctor.

Don't "I'm a doctor" me.
I'm a doctor, too.

Okay, so we're both doctors.
God.

So, What about a drink?
A couple of large wines?

- Sure.
- And for you?

Folded paper rose
for the lady, sir?

Uh, yeah, I-I'll take one.

Oh, you're only
one rose in love?

- No, we're probably at a two?
- Two?

- I-I mean four.
- I could tell.

♪ I'm serenading you
with my voice ♪

♪ I just spat a little,
I'm sorry. ♪

Oh, my God, I love that song.
It's so tip-worthy.

- In the diaper, please.
- Gene, no.

This is Urge?

- Oh, Hugo. Uh, Bob, Hugo's here.
- Ugh, why?

I thought the address
looked familiar, in a bad way.

Lot of changes, Bob.

- Um, not that many.
- Hello.

Hello. Bob, I see
the look of fear and respect

in your eyes, but relax.

I'm here
as a sexy Valentine's diner,

not a sexy health inspector.

So you have a date? Somehow?

Cheryl is meeting me here.

Bob, Linda, I'm in love.

With my mother's description
of her.

Aw, that's nice. Uh,
why don't you sit over there?

- Mm-hmm.
- Okay, this isn't great.

We've got extra tables
and I'm pretty sure

we're violating
a bunch of codes.

No, he says he just wants
to have dinner.

He's in love
with some poor lady.

All right, just bring him wine
with a lot of wine in it.

So, a first date?

Sounds like a paper rose
situation to me.

I'm gonna keep handing
you roses, you just say when.

- Uh...
- First date on Valentine's, huh?

It's kind of what I'm doing.

And it's going pretty well,
if I do say so.

Okay, 15 roses, that'll be $15.

What? No, one rose is plenty.

And 15 songs? Here we go.

Guys,

welcome to my
Anti-Valentine's Day party.

Check it out: Black balloons,
black tortilla chips,

and black eye shadow on moi.

- And your roots are black.
- Jocelyn.

Let's do this.
And everybody that went

to an overnight wrestling meet
without nailing down

Valentine's Day plans
can eat it.

- Right?
- What?

- Exactly.
- Now we do our oath.

- Ooh, an oath. Hell yeah.
- Everyone, hands in.

Whoa, lot of palms and fingers.

No one try to hold my hand
in there, you hear?

Hearts are farts
and Cupid is stupid.

Tonight we take our chance
on no romance. I so vow.

I so vow.

Did we just marry Satan?

Now we're gonna do whatever
an evenly numbered group

of attractive teens
feels like doing.

Just good clean
Anti-Valentine's fun.

With Tammy's parents
in the next room

- to help keep a lid on things.
- Bye, Tammy-love.

Your mother and I are off
to see different movies

- at the same theater.
- Bye. Leave already.

Okay, there go the chaperones.

Not that we're gonna need 'em.
Cool, cool, cool.

♪ It's okay ♪

♪ We're just children
watching you. ♪

If you like it,
may I suggest a gratuity,

and if you don't like it,
I can make him stop.

For a gratuity.

Oh, my God, we're so full.

Hi, I'm Bob, I'm the chef.
H-How is everything?

'Cause if it's not right,
I'll make it right.

- We're good.
- Yeah, you are.

Are you flirting with us?

No, just feeling happy
and-and really confident.

And maybe better-looking
than I was earlier today?

- Oh, you're on cocaine.
- Is that what cocaine does?

Are there any downsides?

So, how's our Valentine's?

- Good. Good.
- Most romantic night of the year.

- But no pressure.
- I'm having a good time.

- We both are.
- Okay. Enjoy.

I don't know what's going on
with these people.

They're so uptight.

It's like they got Cupid arrows
up their butts.

Well, my diaper is full...
of Washingtons.

And we have five couples
on the wait list.

- We have a wait list?
- I don't know.

What's it called
when a bunch of idiots

give their names
and stand outside in the cold?

We have a wait list.

We could do a second seating.

I'll need to be changed
at some point,

but otherwise I'm in.

Okay, I've got plenty of steaks.
What about wine?

We're kind of burning through
it, but I guess we're okay?

- Then we're going later, right?
- Yeah, I mean...

we were gonna do
our valentines later.

- With wine, if there's any left.
- Crap.

I keep forgetting about that.
In a romantic way?

And think of the lovers
out there, Mom.

Their poor money getting
all cold.

It's fine. We'll get
to our valentines eventually.

- This is worth it, right?
- Right.

- And our valentines are gonna be so good.
- So good.

Guys, Hugo's still
sitting by himself,

but unlike me, he's not
carrying it off super well.

Hmm.
So, Hugo,

we're still
waiting for your date?

I don't understand it.
My mother told her

that punctuality is
my biggest turn-on.

Then she's definitely
on her way.

I'll keep texting.

Bob, not to be ticky-tacky,
but I've noticed that

you're slightly over capacity,

light levels are below
OSHA standards,

and you have candles without
an open-flame permit.

Uh, yeah, but those are kind of
small things that are fine.

- There's a boy in a diaper.
- True.

At least I'm wearing the diaper.

On some Cupids
the diaper wears them.

I'd hate to have to call
my good friends

at the fire department,
but if I have nothing else

to do on Valentine's Day...

Easy, Hugo, you're date's
gonna be here any second.

Yeah, traffic.

Please, please come,
Hugo's date.

- I mean, you'll regret it, but please come.
- What was that, Bob?

- Nothing.
- I hate you.

So I finally got
my head unstuck,

and that was
my worst Valentine's Day.

Anyway, someone else?

Or not. You know,
how about some music?

I'm just gonna pick
a playlist at random.

Not that one, not that one.
Ooh, "Ultimate Snog Jams."

Don't even know what that is.

Huh, well, sure feels good
not to be looking

for some lips to land on

just 'cause of what day it is.

- Is it really bright in here?
- Not really.

Yeah, I'm gonna lower
the lights.

Okay, hey, Tammy, a word?

I hope I'm wrong,
but I think some romance is

creeping into this party.

I don't know what
you're talking about, Tina.

Just remember our oath and watch
each other's backs.

Anti-Val pals. Wow, that's a lot
of lip balm you're putting on.

Oh, is it?

Still no reply.
And that was my last text

under my limited texting plan.

She's really not gonna show up,
is she?

I mean, he did send
a selfie of him

pointing at his watch.

Ah, she's not coming.

I'm alone on Valentine's Day
surrounded by happy couples.

Most of 'em aren't that happy.

And they're not all couples.

Some of us are single
and sensational.

I think the only possible way
I'm gonna feel better

is to have the fire department
shut you down.

- Come on, Hugo.
- Wait, let me rethink this.

- Yeah?
- Nope, still makes me feel better.

- What do we do?
- Gene, how quick can you get in a dress?

You know my record is
3.5 seconds.

We got to stall him somehow.

Does anyone know the number

for the head
of fire code enforcement?

Oh, that's right, I do.

Uh, Hugo, your date's here.
She's been here.

She's in the employee bathroom.

Yeah. She saw you
on your way in.

She thinks you're handsome,
but she's so nervous

that she's had
a bathroom emergency.

And she's gorgeous.
She has, like, a hundred teeth.

And we didn't tell you this
before because...

Because she didn't want us to.
She's embarrassed.

But why are you being
so loyal to her?

We're your best friends.

- Yep, best friends.
- So, in a way,

your date's going really well.

Great, I'll call Mother
and update her.

The old "your date's
in the stall" stall. Love it.

So, my date's
in the employee bathroom.

I knew there was a simple,
really good explanation.

I don't know about really good.

Bup-bup-bup.
Yeah, just an upset stomach.

Happens all the time
on Valentine's.

They call it Cupid's revenge.

- That's offensive.
- Poor thing.

I can't
believe Hugo's buying this.

I can, he's like
everyone else in here.

He's desperate
for a perfect Valentine's.

It's flattering in a way.

I gave a girl diarrhea.

You charmer.

Got to stay cool.

I'm steering clear of romance
this Valentine's.

Oh, probably should have
taken off my glasses

before splashing myself.

Mmm...

Tammy, no!
Take a breath. Take a step back.

Whew, that was a close one.
Anti-Val pals.

Hearts are farts?

Hearts aren't farts, Tina.
Hearts were never farts.

- What are you saying?
- I'm saying trying not to be romantic

is really romantic.
This is the party now.

You mean anti-Anti-Valentine's?

Now, we're gonna go in the
closet for six minutes and kiss.

Jocelyn, are you hearing this?

- Jocelyn!
- What?

♪ She's in the can,
but she loves her man. ♪

- Wonderful. Wonderful.
- It really is.

So, by yourself tonight, sailor?

- Not by myself. With myself.
- Good for you.

So glad I'm not that sad, lonely person.

So this is Urge, huh?
More like Purge.

Ha. Rhymes.

Get lost, Jimmy, we're busy.

Yeah, I really don't have time
to be insulted right now

because of all the customers
we have.

Yeah, you got 'em
packed in like sardines.

They look a little drunk
and bloated.

You know what, not bad.

Guess I rubbed off
on you a little bit.

- I'm proud of you, Bob.
- What?

- Happy Valentine's Day, pal.
- Really proud.

He's proud of you.
What's that feel like?

- I don't want you to be proud of me, Jimmy.
- Too late.

- I don't accept it.
- You love it.

♪ ♪

Where is everybody?

I don't know.
Are they all in the closet?

Ugh! Damn Valentine's Day!

Look at me,
whatever your name is.

Austin. I know Tammy from camp.

I'm Tina.
Austin, we have a problem.

But listen, just because we're
the only ones not kissing

doesn't mean we're gonna kiss,

even though it's really
in the air.

- So what do we do?
- Drown out this music somehow.

Uh, I know, we'll sing

the-the most unromantic song
we can think of.

- Do you know any songs about barf?
- I mean, no.

- I'll just make one up.
- ♪ Barf, barf, barf ♪

♪ Funky, chunky barf ♪

- ♪ Funky, chunky barf ♪
- ♪ It's in my hair ♪

- ♪ And everywhere, and I don't care. ♪
- ♪ And everywhere, and I don't care. ♪

Aah! Run, Austin, run!

We got to get out of here.
Aah!

- How many closets does this place have?
- I know. So much storage.

Okay, we seated
four new tables.

- Whew, I'm kind of beat.
- Me, too.

Teddy, you, uh, you saw
your check there, right?

Oh, right, let me, uh... Aah!

Yeah, it's a little
higher tonight.

It's fine. What else am I gonna
blow my money on?

Rent? Heart medicine?

So, as long as we can
keep stalling Hugo,

I guess we keep going.

And it's fine that we're lying
and he's gonna

- find out at some point, right?
- Sure.

And it's fine that Jimmy Pesto
is proud of me.

And, hey, if there's no wine
left for our valentines,

or if we don't get to 'em
at all,

there's always next year, right?

The important thing is,
we were gonna do 'em.

- Right.
- Right.

Because this was
worth it.

So worth it.

Hell yeah, it was worth it.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, buddy, what's
with all the standing up stuff?

It's been a while.
I just want to make sure

Cheryl's doing okay.

No, no, no, no, girls hate it

when you make sure
they're doing okay.

- He's on the move.
- Hugo, wait, wait.

- No, no, no, no. Hugo.
- Trip him. Stab him.

Cheryl, it's Hugo.
Are you all right?

She's shy.
Give her some room.

You're right, you're right.
Clingy me. I'll go back.

Someone's in the other bathroom
and I can't make it upstairs

so I need to get in there now.

But my date is in there.

And you are wearing a diaper,
Gene, so why don't you...

- Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.
- Wha...

Oh, my God, she flushed herself
down the toilet!

I say we wait till Gene leaves,
then check all the nooks

and crannies in there.
Who's with me?

She was never here, was she?

- She was... in our hearts?
- Yeah, she was.

- Bob, Linda...
- You're actually okay

and you're just gonna go home
and take a nice bath?

Shut it down.

- No!
- That's another way to go.

I'm so sorry. The astronauts
were in the capsule,

and there was no way
to stop the countdown.

- I think we should stop now.
- Phew.

- It's over, Austin from camp.
- We made it out.

Without making out.
Should we hug? Probably not.

Right? Right. But, hey,
let's remember the time

we kicked Valentine's Day
in its heart-shaped butt.

Okay. See you.

Oh, a
text on the emergency phone.

"Hi, Tina.
Happy Valentine's Day."

Heart emoji.

Aw.

Uh, hope you have
the emergency phone

instead of your dad,
like that one time.

Damn, I love Valentine's Day.

Did you just say
you love Valentine's Day?

Nope. See you.
Texting back.

Heart emoji, kiss emoji,
wink emoji.

Whoops, not vomit emoji.

Uh, announcement.

Urge is closing a little early
tonight, like now.

What?

Sorry, people who just got here.

Excuse me, I need
to blow out that candle.

- Excuse me.
- Excuse me.

What's going on?

We came so close to success,
I smelled it.

It smelled weird.
Good weird.

To be honest, we were
kind of winging it tonight.

We're really a burger place.

It-It's not fancy,
but it's fine.

- My son is usually dressed.
- Am I, though?

You know, it's a pretty
good deal, too.

This version's kind of
a rip-off.

Not a rip-off. I mean, we did
charge a lot more,

but we-we threw in
candles and stuff.

Yeah, but listen, people,
maybe all that junk

just adds to the pressure
that everything's

got to be perfect
on this one night.

Valentine's can just be
with the one you love,

and it doesn't matter where.

This is probably more than
we need to hear right now.

It's true. Our Valentine's
was just gonna be

us writing down the ten things
we love about each other.

Like I love that Linda
sacrificed her night for this.

Not as much for the money,

but so you guys would have
somewhere to go.

I mean, money's good, and I love
that Bob's a dreamer

who just wanted a fancy
restaurant for one night.

- And I love...
- Oh, my God, are you really doing ten of these?

No, ten's crazy.

I don't know what
we were thinking.

- Maybe a couple more?
- I love that Linda says "vroom vroom"

when she turns on
the coffee maker.

Oh, I had that one on my list.

I love that Bob's mustache
flutters when he sneezes.

I guess Mom and Dad are
doing their valentines.

Out loud and in front
of strangers.

Those romantic sons of bitches.
Play something nice.

- Baby-making music?
- You know it.

Hugo?

You look exactly like
your mother described you.

Cheryl? You're here.
What happened?

Sorry I'm so late. I
went to the wrong Urge.

Really?

Yeah. There's one in
Bog Harbor.

It's more of a sex toy shop
with a theater in the back.

Oh. Did you see all my texts?

Well, you turn off your phone
when you're in the theater.

I'm kidding.
My battery died.

You're delightful.

Bob, re-Urge the place, pronto.

Yeah, we're back in business,
baby.

Honestly, I kind of just want
to be our old restaurant again.

Tell you what,
h-how about a burger?

I'd love a burger.

They're delicious.
And afterwards,

you still got
a little money left.

You can buy heart medicine
and not die.

I'd have a burger.
Do you want a burger?

I could go for a burger, yeah.

Valentine's burgers, all right.
Anyone else?

- Bob, can you leave a candle on one table?
- Sure.

We're doing this again
next year, right?

- Eh...
- Eh... we'll see.

Or you know what's coming up?

Presidents' Day.
Some paper flags.

This guy as a little Lincoln.

Same outfit,
just add hat and beard.

- I'd eat there.
- Oh, I got to grind some meat.

"What's happening?"

We're doing burgers, Chuck.

"Wait, what?"
Oh, sorry, I...

"Just kidding, I'm into it.

Grind me, Bob. Do it!"

♪ It's okay, we're just
children watching you ♪

♪ It's okay, we're just children
watching you ♪

♪ Just pretend
that we're not here ♪

♪ As you grope
each other's rears ♪

♪ Just pretend
you're not with us ♪

♪ Do your hanky-panky
business ♪

- ♪ It's okay ♪
- ♪ It's okay ♪

♪ We're just children
watching you ♪ - ♪ La, la, la ♪

- ♪ It's okay ♪
- ♪ It's okay ♪

♪ We're just children
watching you. ♪

Captioning sponsored by
BENTO BOX ENTERTAINMENT

and TOYOTA.
Sync corrections by srjanapala