All language subtitles for Brooklyn Nine-Nine - S06E03 - The Tattler.eng.SDH

Attention, squad.

Put your hands together

for the long-anticipated reunion of…

The DDC!

DD… C!

-♪ Put a J with a G… ♪
-♪ You get DD… ♪

C! C!

The gas face.

What the hell is the DDC?

I don't know, but I love it!

The DDC is the Dope… Denim… Crew.

Our 20-year high
school reunion is tonight,

and the party is '90s-themed.

So, we're dressing the
way we did back then,

aka hella fresh.

Can't wait to see
everyone we graduated with

and lie to them about
what I've been up to

for my own amusement.

It's gonna be Fib City,
population, Gina Clooney.

BOYLE: But, Jake, how can you be excited

to return to your high school,

the scene of Tattlegate?

SANTIAGO: What's Tattlegate?

Why haven't I heard anything about it?

It was junior year and
Jake was riding high…

Charles, no one wants to hear this story.

From you.

It was junior year, and
Jake was riding high.

Sophomore year was rough,

but now I was back with a hot new look,

an earring and long hair.

Which was my look and he just copied it.

And it worked!

I was finally cool,

and becoming friends with
the most popular kid in school,

Brandon Bliss.

Dope name, sounds hot.

He was hot, Rosa.

For the record, he could barely read.

He didn't have to read, Gina.

He lost his virginity
when he was 12 years old.

Which is horrifying.

But it wasn't back then!
Back then, it was

everything.

He asked me to ditch class one day

with him and his buddies,
steal a school van,

and go get drunk at his parents' cabin,

but the day before we
were supposed to go,

someone ratted Brandon
out, and he got suspended.

He thought I was the one who told,

and from that day forward,

everyone called me "The Tattler."

Tattler. It's a sexy nickname.

It was not a sexy nickname!

It was a scarlet letter and
it ruined my senior year.

But luckily, I'm over all that now.

Not me.
I'm gonna go to this reunion tonight

and kick Brandon Bliss in the butthole.

Horrifying, but that won't
be necessary, Charles,

for my awesome life will do
the butthole-kicking this eve.

I've got a sweet job and a
super-smart, incredible wife.

Tonight's gonna be awesome.

Right, Gina? Damn straight.

DD… C!

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

PERALTA: Wow.

This place hasn't
changed one bit in 20 years.

It's a real indictment of
the public school system.

Jake! Gina!

No way, Mikey J!

Amy, this is Mike Joseph,
aka the lead funk bassist

from my legendary ska
band, Skalvester Skallone.

We had one song. Oh…

ALL: ♪ Stop or my mom will ska ♪

PERALTA: Whoa. Hey, man.

We were so bad.

I can't believe we thought
we were gonna make it.

So, what have you been up to, man?

Well, I'm still trying to
get the music thing started.

Oh. Cool, cool, cool. Never give up.

Anyway, how are you, Gina?
What have you been up to?

Nothing crazy.

Yeah, just writing those Thor movies.

Seriously? Oh, my God.
Tell me everything.

Legally, I can't get into it too much,

but just know that the next one will have

a lot more full-frontal.

Well, if you need some
ska for your soundtrack…

Whoa. This is them. This is Marvel.

They probably want to talk
about Thor 4: More Thor.

I gotta take this. Okay, All right.

MIKEY: So, how you doing, Jake?

I know the end of high
school was a little rough.

Oh. Uh…

Jake's killing it now. He's a detective.

Irie, mon! Irie, irie!

Very nice.

God, you must have some crazy stories.

PERALTA: Oh, I don't know.

I mean, is successfully negotiating

a high-tension hostage
situation in a bank crazy?

Yes!

Oh, well, then, I guess I do
have some crazy stories, man!

Gosh, it's so cool how
we all still dress the same.

RADIO HOST: is it so much to ask?
You know what I'm saying?

Why is everyone
gathered around the radio?

Oh, are they testing

the emergency broadcasting system?

What? No. We're listening to a contest.

This is 93.7, The Jamhouse, with…

JC and the Horndog! JC and the Horndog!

FM radio…

Yeah, the hosts are beyond disgusting,

but they do a fun game where
they play a mystery sound

and callers guess what
it is for a cash prize.

Shh, they're about to play the new sound!

[RUSTLING]

It's a crinkle. I solved it.

Yes, but you have to know
what object is making the crinkle.

But that's impossible.
It could be anything.

Yes, sir. That's the game.

It's a bag of potato chips.
Don't be an idiot!

It's a bag of corn chips.

Well, this is a total waste of time.

Sure, but you can still have fun,

even if you're wasting time.

That's absurd.
Productivity is what makes things fun.

That's why humans go to work.

It is?

Hey.
So, you know how Alicia and I broke up

because she moved to London,

then we tried to make it work,
but the distance was too much

and we broke up again? No.

The last thing you told me about yourself

was that you were bi.

A lot has happened since then.

Anyway, I'm dating two other people.

So much juice at one time. I'm drowning.

Gross. Charles, this is
why I don't tell you anything.

I take it back. Okay.

Well, it's early stages,
but they both tagged me

in a bunch of photos online

and they found out about each other.

Yikes. Yeah, I know.

I shouldn't 'gram so much,
but my brunch friends say

it's the only way to promote
my handmade jewelry line.

Brunch? What? Homemade… Who…

Charles, focus.
Anyway, they're both annoyed,

and now I have to choose one of them,

and I cannot make up my mind.

It's insane.
I never have trouble making decisions.

Choose the daughter.

I always know exactly what to do,

but for the first time in
my life, I am stumped.

Rosa, you've come to the right man.

Boyles are genetically indecisive beings.

So, I chose the worst
possible person to help me?

No. We've developed a foolproof system

to help us make choices.

It used to take me so
long to decide what to wear

that I'd never change my clothes.

Now look what I have on.

Is this different than what
you were wearing yesterday?

Barely.

MIKEY: Wow, your life sounds amazing.

I'm really happy it worked out for you,

you know, especially
with the whole Tattler thing.

[LAUGHING ABRUPTLY] What?
The Tattler? Wow.

I haven't heard that in a long time.

Who even was the Tattler?

You. That's why I'm bringing it up.

Oh, right, I remember now

that I was misidentified as the Tattler.

That's so funny.
But I wasn't the Tattler,

so I'm pretty sure you got this wrong.

No, no, I think I got… Hey, Eric.

Didn't people call Jake the Tattler?

Oh, yeah!

[LAUGHING ABRUPTLY]

Good, more people are getting involved.

After my initial design,
they said it couldn't be done.

They said it was too tall, too flashy…

Building codes, bureaucracy.

Cut to the Freedom
Tower as you see it today.

Wow.

Thank you. Yeah, I agree.

Look, nobody cares about that stuff.
We're all adults now.

You're a cop, I work at a coffin factory,

I'm not sitting around

thinking about how you tattled.

Yes, we all have jobs
and work on coffins.

I didn't tattle, but whatevs,

we don't have to keep talking about it.

Great. Great.

But you were the Tattler, right?

Brandon Bliss was my friend!

Why would I tattle on my friend?

The nickname was
inaccurate is all I'm saying.

Anyways, as you can
tell, I am totally over it.

Oh, man, it's the Tattler.

-[YELLING] I didn't tattle!
-[CHATTER STOPS]

[QUIETLY] So, I think
I might not be over it.

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

This is so unfair.
Everyone remembers me as the Tattler,

but somehow, no one remembers

that Darren "Doo Doo" Donaldson

crapped himself during PE.
Look at him out there,

dancing on the dance floor

like he's lived a doo doo-free life.

Jake, this isn't so bad.

History is full of great tattlers.

Martin Luther King tattled on racists.

That's a pretty undercutty way

of describing his accomplishments.

I was trying to help. It felt bad.

It's not the nickname that bothers me.

It's that I'm being wrongfully accused.

I didn't tattle.
I mean, if it was the truth,

go ahead and call me
the Tattler all day long.

Hey, Tattler. Not cool, Jason!

Let's just go home. No!

We're not going anywhere,
you were wrongfully accused.

We're cops.
Let's just find the real Tattler

and prove your innocence. Yes! I love it!

Why learn to grow when
you can fix the past?

This is exactly why I don't need therapy.

Not sure that's the lesson I want you

to take away from this.

Too late!
We're gonna prove I wasn't the Tattler,

therapy is a scam, let's do this.

No. The sound was more of a…
[IMITATES CRINKLING]

How goes the crinkle hunt?

I see you're not just wasting
time, you're also wasting tin.

It was only one piece.

Okay, it was a ton of tin.

Pretty sure it's a guy eating a sandwich.

I'll prove it to you.

I'm not buying you any
more sandwiches, Scully.

I'm doing this for us!
Guys, we can't fight.

That's what the Horndog wants.

We're getting close.

We just need to keep testing more things.

Oh, that's a good idea.

Have you tried a piece of paper?

Is that your crinkle? Oh, maybe…

Maybe it's these bags of coffee beans.

All right, sir, I think
you've made your point.

My point? I'm just trying
to have fun by wasting time.

Oh, maybe it's this
crinkly-crunkly yogurt.

Terry heard a crinkle.
Holt heard a crinkle, too.

So, suddenly it's not a waste of time?
Not a waste of time if we win!

What are you waiting for, Jeffords?
Call the Horndog!

GINA: So, then I said to Steve,

"What if we drop the '-lications,'

"just call them 'apps'?"

That's incredible.

Do you miss him? Oh, every day, Laura.

Every day.
You should talk to Quentin Chase.

He's a big-time Silicon
Valley investor now,

and he was just telling me all about it.

Quentin, come here.

You have got to talk to Gina.
She basically invented apps.

They were going to be called "lications."
You really bungled that.

What you been working on?
Currently, I have been working

on an app called Toddler.

It's like Tinder, but for toddlers.
Tinder for toddlers.

I like it. How are you gonna spell that?
How many D's?

Five.

[EXHALES HEAVILY]

All right, we should start
by talking to Brandon Bliss

and find out who told
him you were the Tattler.

Unfortunately, Bliss is not here.

Probably in the VIP section
at a Fatboy Slim concert.

Would that be cool for a 37-year-old?

The funk soul brother is timeless, Ames.

All right, I don't know who told Brandon,

but I heard it was someone
on the football team.

Okay, well, we need
more information than that,

so take me back to the day.
Spare no details.

Okay. I saw Brandon after second period

and everything seemed tight.

Hey now, you're an all-star

Get your game on, go play…

But then, when I saw
him after third period,

something had clearly changed.

Get paid All that glitters…

PERALTA: After that, there
was little color left in the world

for young Jake.

My earring, less gold, my
JNCO jeans, less purple.

Are you sure you were becoming cool?

Yeah. Why? I know how to solve this.

We just have to find
out which football player

had third period with Brandon Bliss.

We need his class schedule.

But where would we find that?
In the coolest room in the school.

[SIGHS]

Good lord!

You coulda just picked the lock.
I know. I'm sorry.

I'm just so amped up about Admin.

Okay, this is the Boyle
decision-making manual.

One of these sections will help you

with choosing your partner.

Here we go. What do you prefer,

eyes or butt, brains or body?

Brains. Uh, sorry, nope,
that's for deciding lunch.

Horrifying. I found the romance section.

Now, first, I will need the names

of the two people
you're choosing between.

I will not be telling you
any information about them.

No problem. We can work with that.

I will just call them by their initials?
No.

I will call them "Couscous" and "Quinoa."
Whatever.

Okay. Now, for this to work right,

you need to answer these
questions without thinking.

Who makes you laugh more? Quinoa.

Who has softer lips? Couscous.

A new Cirque du Soleil's in town,

you have the two best seats in the house.

Who are you bringing?
Is this a reward or a punishment?

You decide. Quinoa.

Great.
Next question, you die and become a ghost.

The rules of the afterlife
are that of the movie Casper.

Whose house would you rather haunt?

How many more of
these questions are there?

Three hundred and nine. [SIGHS]

Okay, I've got something. Oh.

That's not Brandon's profile. It's mine.

I just want a quick peek
at your attendance record.

Zero absences.

Oh, mama… Printing this for later.

Keep it in your pants, Santiago.

Oh, that's exactly where it's going.

Okay, here's Brandon's info.

Third period, first semester…

Are any of these people
on the football team?

Scott Alford, Taylor Black…
Wow, Tom Brady?

Different Tom Brady. He was in theater.

Although he was the MVP

of that year's production of Fiddler.

Hmm. Wait a minute. "Danny Matthews."

That's the guy.

He was on the football team.

That's the bastard who set me up.
Yeah, and look at this.

You did so much community service.

Me likey.

Guys, you know how I thought

it would be so much fun
to lie to everyone tonight?

Yeah. Did it finally catch up with you?
No, the opposite.

Someone wants to buy a
company I made up on the spot.

The elevator pitch had him drooling.

As a mother, I'm always struggling

to find quality playdates.

Most 2-year-olds are boring, lame duds.

All of my daughter's friends suck.

Well, with Todddddler's
proprietary algorithm,

you will be matched with top
tots, and those boring duds,

they'll stay where they belong.

The hell away from you and your family.

I'm not really sure how to close this.

Maybe you guys could pretend to be heirs

to a canned-goods fortune
who want to buy my company!

Gina, we don't have time
for your thing right now.

Smart. Big-time him.
That's the perfect idea.

I won't forget you when I'm rich.

Thanks so much, Jake and Jake's wife.

She knows your name.
Look! It's Danny Matthews!

But he'll never talk with
all these people around.

Not a problem.

Just be in the science
lab in ten minutes.

I'll get him alone.

What are you gonna do?
Let's just say I'm not above

using my feminine wiles.

Danny Matthews, I'm with the school,

you need to follow me right now.

Okay. Is everything..
. I said now, mister.

I'm one caller away.
I can't believe we figured it out.

And I can't believe
it took you this long.

Yogurt is literally your one thing.

Okay, okay. Well, I'm just saying.

If the sound were eating damp rice,

I would've gotten it immediately.

Guys, they're taking another guess.

RADIO HOST: All right,
Brenda from Yonkers.

It's time for you to name that sound.

BRENDA: Hi. Quick shout-out

to the nurses at United Pediatric.

This money'll do
those kids a lot of good.

Cry me a river, Brenda from Yonkers,

we've all had budget cuts,

just take your guess.

Is it Styrofoam?

RADIO HOST: Wrong!

I can't believe she guessed Styrofoam.

What a dumb nurse.

-Next caller, you're on with the Horndog.
-[WHISPERS] It's me!

The sound is a yogurt being opened.

That is…

-Wrong!
-What?

-No!
-You b-b-b-blew it!

Damn you, Horndog.

Okay, I have tabulated your responses,

and the results are definitive.

Amazing. It's a dead tie.

This is dumb.
I'm just gonna end it with both of them.

Rosa, stop. There is one more method.

Ancient Boyles believed

that suspending yourself by your feet

forces your blood to the
decision center of your brain.

We call this method the
"Upside-Down Coward."

You want me to hang
from the ceiling like a bat?

The bat is nature's most decisive animal.

The creature that
flails around frantically?

Those are all micro-decisions.

Now, let's get you strapped up.

How do you feel? Nauseous.

Good. It's working.

-GINA: Q?
-Yeah.

Get off the phone.

Now, I'm not sure how
serious you were about funding,

but I should tell you
there's 103 other bidders.

I am not a fan of
getting into bidding wars.

Then don't make an offer,

'cause I want babies on my app,

but not in my boardroom.

Oh, damn, Gina.

Did you just "oh, damn" yourself?

Someone had to. Okay.

Let's talk numbers.

Mr. Peralta, I believe you
know Danny Matthews.

Jake. Hey, what's going on, man?

The answer to that question

goes back to a brisk day in 1997,

a day you told a lie.

But the lying stops right now!

Oh, no!
You broke some poor kid's science project!

We have to fix it.
Kind of in the middle of something.

Oh! You know what? Krebs cycle.

I got this. Great.

So, Danny, true or false?

You were on the football team.

True? And true or false,

you had third period with Brandon Bliss.

Mmm, I honestly don't remember…

It was true! We checked the records,

and I have one more question.

Ooh, Jake, can you get me

that oxygen on the floor? Little red guy.

What? Sorry. You know what?
Yeah, I'll get it.

Why did you tell Brandon
Bliss that I was the Tattler?

Because you were.
I saw you talking to principal.

I remember it, clear as day.

Look, you couldn't have seen me,

because I wasn't there. I didn't tattle.

Man, it was you, okay?

You had your long hair
and your little earring,

and the denim jacket you
are literally wearing right now.

Oh, no.

It wasn't me,

but it was the DDC.

Gina.
Jake, guess who just sold her app idea.

Don't trust her.
Everything she's told you is a lie.

She made up the company
and everything else.

She's a liar.
Jake, whatever strategy this is,

is not necessary.
I already closed the deal.

I know you were the Tattler.

Amy, I'm ready to go. Yep, totally.

I'm almost done with this project,

but I don't need to finish it,

because what matters is that

you are going through something.

And as your wife, and love of your life…

Are you vamping so you can finish that?

I only have two molecules left.
Come on, man.

Jake, we need to talk.

Yeah, you guys do need to talk.

That sounds excellent.
Friendship, so much history…

I'm just gonna get this out of your way.

Oh, man.

What the hell, Gina?

You ruined my entire senior year.

How could you do that to me?

Jake, I was only trying to help.

You were hanging out with
those guys and getting close,

and they weren't good people.

Do you know why Brandon
wasn't at the reunion tonight?

I don't know. Probably 'cause he
was shooting a beer commercial

where the whole plot was that
everyone wanted to sleep with him.

No, 'cause he's on parole.

He's not allowed to leave
the state of Delaware.

Okay, so that's obviously a bummer,

but I wasn't gonna end up like him.

You were starting to.

You wanted to steal a van with him,

and I told you not to and
you weren't listening to me.

I mean, what would've
happened if you got caught?

I don't know.
You would never have become a cop.

Yeah, I'm the reason you're a cop,

I'm your origin story, dude.

You can't be mad at me.

I feel like I'm still pretty mad.

Peter Parker wasn't mad at his spider.

Yeah, but they weren't
best friends before the bite.

And it still doesn't explain
how you let everyone think

I was the Tattler for 20 years.

Well, I didn't want
to lose our friendship.

I was being weak. I'm sorry.

[SIGHS]

Okay.
And if it makes you feel any better,

that app thing completely
blew up in my face.

I mean, my night sucked.

Okay, I can see from your expression

that your night was worse

and I should've left it at "sorry."

HOLT: So, did you hear?

Someone guessed the sound.
It was a bag of chips.

Wow. So, the lesson here is

to listen to Hitchcock and Scully more?

No, that can't be possible.
Yeah, I don't think we earned that today.

Agreed. Sorry for dragging you

into that dumb game. You were right.
It was a waste of time.

No, it wasn't.

Even though it was
pointless, I did enjoy myself.

I can't wait to go home and tell Kevin

you can have fun
without being productive.

Hey, guys, they're about to
play the new mystery sound.

I can tell Kevin tomorrow.
I'll bet Sharon's already asleep.

And I've got no one in my life.

Scully, play that damn noise.

Quentin, can I talk to you for a minute?

Are you here to give me a long speech

about how you still deserve my money?

No. I am.

Very cool entrance. Thank you.

Listen.
Gina Linetti is not a perfect person.

Oh. I'm hoping this gets more
supportive as it goes along.

But what she lacks in perfection

she makes up for with an utter

and total belief that she is perfect.

You said "but," and then
you said something worse.

She is fiercely loyal.

She will do the right thing for you

even when you can't see it for yourself.

And she's saved my ass countless times.
And it's been 12, I counted.

She came up with an idea on the spot

that you were interested in.

Imagine what she could
do with time and resources.

Do the world a favor.

Invest in Gina Linetti.

Hard pass.

What? What? But my great speech…

Yeah, the speech was great,

but I've also been lying all night.

I'm not a tech mogul,

I came here to mess with people.

How dare you! Speaking of which,

did either one of you drive?
'Cause I could use a ride.

No, Quentin. Oh, Quentin.

Okay.

Now open your eyes,

and the person you are meant to be with

should appear before you.

[BOTH YELLING]

Sorry. I was just watching.

Get out of here, Hitchcock!

[GROANING]

This isn't working.
I'm no closer to making a decision.

I'm jumping down.
Well, you can't just jump down…

My goodness! It's over.

I'm gonna put 'em both in a
group text and say "peace out."

No! There's still more options.

We haven't even done role-play yet.

-[PHONE CHIMES]
-What?

[GROANS] I took too
long getting back to Quinoa

and they got mad and ended it.

And that's how it's done.
What are you talking about?

The process worked.
Boyles don't make decisions,

we delay our decisions

until the universe makes them for us.

That way, we never make a wrong choice.
That is very sad,

but also, I guess it worked. Mmm.

I do feel pretty good.
Couscous is dope. She's funny.

Couscous is a she! I knew it!

Did you? No, and I still don't know.

There's equal chance you
called them "she" to throw me off.

You get me, Boyle.

So, I think I figured out an
awesome and dramatic way

to reveal that I was the Tattler.

It'll be a dance.
There'll be costumes. Gina, it's fine.

I don't care anymore.
It's all in the past.

Oh, thank God. That is such a relief,

'cause I didn't want people
thinking I was a tattler.

[SIGHS]

Where's Amy? She is in the library,

writing a book report on Jane Eyre.

And she told me "not to wait up."

[EXCLAIMS] Yeah.

Thanks for trying to help with Quentin.

It's funny. Even though it wasn't real,

it was so fun imagining
running my own company.

So, why don't your pursue it?
I can't raise my kid and create an app

and work at the Nine-Nine. It's too much.

Well, then, prepare for me to murder
your parents right in front of your face.

Rude. No.

It's Batman's origin story,

like the radioactive spider
thing you did with me.

I don't read comic books.

You helped me become who I am,

so now I'm gonna return the favor.

Gina,

I think your talents might
be wasted at the Nine-Nine.

I love you, but it might
be time for you to move on.

Um, are you firing me? What? No.

I don't think I could even do that.
Good, because I quit.

You know, tonight I realized

that my talents are being
wasted at the Nine-Nine.

Okay, that's kind of
exactly what I just said.

Jake, let me finish. This is serious.

It's time for me to move on.
For real, though, it is.

Really?

Okay.

Proud of you. Thank you.

I'm proud of me, too.

Guys! Vice-principal caught
me in the library. Let's roll!