All language subtitles for Brooklyn Nine-Nine - S06E02 - Hitchcock & Scully.eng.SDH

So, two keys, huh?

That's a lot of snow.

If you can't handle it, we're
happy to find someone who can.

Don't worry about me, friend.
I can handle it.

Marissa, baby,

go get our guests something
to drink, would you?

We don't want a drink.
What is this, a social call?

It's not a tea party.
We look like 5-year-old girls to you?

Gentlemen, please.

Have some patience.

Two keys.

Pure as a Catholic schoolgirl.

Did you bring the cash?

Oh, we brought something
much better than cash.

What's that? Our guns!

NYPD! You're under arrest!

-[MARISSA SCREAMS]
-[GUNSHOT]

[BOTH STRAINING]

Boss man's gone.

Where'd he go?

Thank you kindly, little lady.

Gio Costa, you're under arrest.

Want that drink now, Hitchcock?

Don't mind if I do, Scully.

Don't mind if I do.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

What the hell, Diaz?

You trying to make your heart explode?

I'm loading up on coffee

because it's a pain in the
ass getting to the kitchen now

and I don't want to come back here.

Is this about the desks?

Yes, Terry. It's about the desks.

How long is Commissioner
Kelly going to punish us because

Captain Holt complained
about him to the mayor?

I don't know, but I hope it ends soon.

Terry's shoulders weren't
built for tight spaces.

It's bonk city in here!

I've said "excuse me"
more times this morning

than I have in my entire life.

Twice!

Jake. Rosa.

[EXHALES]

Good morning.

Oh, my. We are very close together.

I love it.

Hey, you know how I've always
wanted to have another child?

Well, it's happening!

Genevieve is pregnant?

But I thought your "meh-err"
no longer made "whoo-oo."

Correct. My testes no longer make sperm.

I was good with "meh-err" and "whoo-oo."

No, we're thinking of adopting again.

We just got an email from
Nikolaj's 15-year-old brother

in Latvia that he's never met.

Yeah, his name is Dragomir.

Oh, my God.

That is a 42-year-old fur trapper.

What? You don't see the resemblance?

Yeah, to Matisyahu.
There's no way he's 15.

Well, then, how come he wrote

that his greatest fear is
"going through puberty"?

Probably because he wants you

to think he's 15 so you'll adopt him.

Look, Charles, I hate to say this,
but I think this guy is scamming you.

Come on.
You're just suspicious of everyone.

Jake! Charles!

Captain wants to see you!

I cannot get through this room anymore,

so I'm yelling everything now.

Nancy, Captain said you can go
to your psychologist this morning.

You're clear. Get your head right.

HOLT: Gentlemen, we have a situation.

Scully and Hitchcock just
got a call from Internal Affairs.

They're interested in a
case of theirs from 1986.

If you ask me, this old
case is only coming up now

because the commissioner is trying
to drum up a scandal in the Nine-Nine.

And take out your two best
detectives in the process.

You're not my two best detectives.

Oh, that's such a relief.

I feel so much safer now.

Good lord.

Don't interfere with IA's investigation.

Just find out what actually happened

in case Kelly is trying to manipulate
the facts. Can you do that?

So, you're asking if we can open a portal

to the wet and wild 1980s

to investigation the bizarre lives

of these magnificent dodos?

I believe it was a young Barack
Obama who said, "Yes, we can."

SANTIAGO: Sorry. Sorry.

Sorry. You want to see me, Sarge?

Yeah. I know we're all sort
of crammed together in here,

but we were kind of thinking
that your uniformed officers

are causing some problems.

Oh. Like what?
How do I put this tactfully?

Your squad turned the
kitchen into a cesspool,

nastied up the bathroom, and
made the elevator smell like 100 butts.

Okay, thank you for your tact, Diaz.
Well, that's unfair.

Your squad is responsible
for at least 50 of those butts.

Look, all I'm saying is maybe you can
ask the downstairs people to be more…

Excuse me? "Downstairs people"?

That's a little offensive.

Don't get it twisted.

It's just where you came from.

Some of my best friends
are downstairs people.

Okay, I think you know exactly what
that sounds like, you upstairs people.

Aw! Thank you for that nice compliment.

It wasn't a compliment, and you know it.
I said it with 'tude.

Classic downstairs person.

Wow, you are prejudiced
against the first floor.

I'm taking this up the chain.

Gina Linetti spaghetti confetti.

Faster. Gina Linetti spaghetti confetti.

Captain Holt. Yeah, can't you see

we're in the middle of something?

Sorry. It sounded like you were
just saying gibberish back and forth.

Gina is helping me to prepare
for a televised interview.

Since the mayor has yet to weigh in

on Commissioner Kelly's
"Vigilant Policing" initiative,

I've decided to take my
objections straight to the people.

And this gibberish is
actually Gina jargon,

a world-renowned linguistic system
that worked pretty well for Ellen Musk.

Elon Musk. Ellen Musk.

Season 1 winner of VH1's Queen Bitch.

Sir, isn't going to the press going
to make Kelly even angrier at us?

JEFFORDS: Yeah. He's already
made life here pretty miserable.

The crowding, the desks, the
downstairs people treating the bullpen

like a dumpster.

[POSH ACCENT] Ooh!
I'm so sorry for the untidiness, milord.

That's enough. I don't have
time for your internecine battles,

and I don't give a hoot about
your minor inconveniences.

I am trying to fight injustice

and do what is right for the entire NYPD.

Understood?

Yes, milord.

Okay, let's set the scene.

The year is 1986.

Top Gun is crushing the box office,

and the Beastie Boys have just
been issued their License to Ill.

And that's the year I got felt up
for the first time under the shirt.

Always a big moment in a young boy's life.
All right tell us about the case.

We were working organized crime,

and we took down a mafia boss, Gio Costa,

for running cocaine.

We were the studs of the Nine-Nine.

Well, I'm sure "studs" is a bit of a…

Oh, my God.
I can't believe I'ma say this, but…

Meow.

No, that is not what I was gonna say,

but honestly, yeah, meow.

No offense, guys, but what
the hell happened to you?

Are you body shaming us?

No, I'm personality shaming you.

You were so alert and cool and job-doing.

So, how did you get to Costa?

We had a CI on the inside
who helped set up a sting.

We took down Costa,
recovered a ton of coke

and three duffel bags full of cash.

Seems pretty clear-cut,

but then why would IA reopen the case?

Unless, they think it's some
sort of Freaky Friday situation

and you guys traded places
with horny singles in your area.

It's possible.
So, what happened to the CI?

SCULLY: Who knows? It was so long ago.

I mean, I barely remember
how I got to work this morning.

I think there was an ambulance involved.

There was.

Wait a minute. Here's a question.

You said you recovered
three duffel bags full of cash,

and that's what the
evidence logs say as well.

Yeah. So?

So, count the bags.

One, two, three, like you said,

but then take a look in
this mirror behind you,

the one that shows off
your shockingly taut bottoms.

A fourth bag.

HITCHCOCK: Probably missed it.

Yeah, you know us. We're dumb-dumbs.

But even you wouldn't
miss a giant bag full of cash.

It was the '80s.
Police weren't perfect then

like they are today.
All right, calm down.

We're not accusing you
of anything, right, Jake?

-Kinda was.
-HITCHCOCK: This is crazy!

We're innocent! IA is railroading us

like Holt said, and you're
joining in the witch hunt.

You're fake news. Sad!

Yeah, that's definitely the
language of the innocent.

Okay, so there are two
questions on the table.

First, who was more bang-able,
young Hitchcock or young Scully?

Young Hitchcock. Total smoke show.

Agreed, but it's close, and second,

did they steal a big old
bag full of mob cash?

They said they didn't do anything wrong.
I believe them.

When I brought up the
fourth bag, they stormed out.

Or, once again, I think you just can't
help being suspicious of everyone.

Oh, my God. Is that what this is about?
You're mad because I said

the old sea captain you want
to adopt is scamming you?

Dragomir is not a captain.

He clubs the fish in the bottom of
the boat. That's his after-school job.

Okay, Charles, you
are letting your emotions

cloud your judgment with
Dragomir and with these guys.

I mean, for all we know,
Hitchcock and Scully

have been playing us for
years like criminal masterminds.

[STARTLED GASPS]

Okay, so maybe not masterminds,

but I'm still going in
there and getting the truth.

All right, guys, let's not make this
any more difficult than it has to be.

We know there was a fourth bag of money.

Where'd it go? We told you dorks.

We never saw it. Now leave us alone.

I don't think you get
what's happening here.

This is an interrogation, and
it's only gonna end one way,

with you telling us everything.

[CHUCKLING]

-Something funny?
-SCULLY: It's just,

I don't think you get
what's happening here.

You're locked in a small, windowless room
with the two of us one hour after lunch.

Oh, no. You want to know what we ate?

Four-cheese pizza, double-cheese,
with a side of cheesy fries, extra cheese,

and a big old slice of cheesecake.

But, Scully,

you're lactose intolerant. Yeah.

This whole room is a [BLEEP] Dutch oven.

What the hell is this?

The downstairs people keep
making a mess of the microwave.

One of them thought it was cool to
heat up soup in an uncovered dish.

That's just crazy!

How do you know that's our splatter?
There are some sloppy Susans upstairs.

I saw it go down.
It was one of you, so ya banned.

No way. This microwave
belongs to the entire precinct,

so I'm nah-banned.

Actually, turns out, this
microwave is not precinct property.

Detective O'Shea brought
it from home back in '98, so

ya banned.
I went to visit O'Shea's widow.

-He's dead?
-JEFFORDS: Big-time.

She is not over it.

Anyway, I got her to
sign a contract that states

the upstairs has
exclusive microwave rights.

You bothered a widow with this?

Honestly, it wasn't that awkward for me.

Rosa did it.

It was rough, but she
signed it, so ya banned.

PERALTA: Okay, now
that we can all breathe,

let's try this again,

unless you want to try and stink
up the entire city of New York.

Challenge accepted.

Okay, everyone, be cool. Be cool!

Just tell me everything
that happened after the bust.

HITCHCOCK: I'll tell you what happened.

We were frigging heroes.

Anybody have a trash can?

Cause Flat Top and the Freak
are bringing in some garbage.

[APPLAUSE, CHEERING]

You guys had badass entrance
lines and people cheered?

What happened? Where'd it all go wrong?

Some things aren't for us to know.

Look, guys, we never had that money.

Here. We'll prove it to you.

Those are our financial records.

I don't have any retirement.
I don't have any security, or a car.

I rent most of my clothes.

We get it. You're poor.
I'm not just poor, son.

I'm destitute.

Definitely not a wink-able line.

[GROANS] Look at all these
credit card charges for Wing Slutz.

It can't be healthy to
eat there this much.

SCULLY: If you want a diet option,

the Marine Park location
has a blue cheese parfait.

You guys go all the way
down to Marine Park for wings?

There's a waitress there
who always gives us

-an extra drumstick in our slut bucket.
-PERALTA: Wait a minute.

Why do you pay for a
monthly parking spot?

Because it's New York. It's hard to park.

PERALTA: Yeah, but he
just said he doesn't have a car.

So, what's parked in this spot
you don't want us to know about?

Could it be a super-expensive
sports car, paid for in cash?

Nope.

It's just a sketchy old sex van.

There is nothing sketchy
about the Beaver Trap.

Yes, there is.

In short, Commissioner Kelly's

new initiative is a regressive,
wrongheaded return

to the NYPD's darkest days.

How was that? Like watching a corpse

wash up on shore, lifeless.

Come on, you gotta pace it up, okay?
You need to smile more.

Energize the eyes. Gesticulate!

You're describing the
behavior of a crazy person.

Am I? Because right now,
you can't take your eyes off me.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

That must be the camera
crew, here to set up the remote.

But you're not ready.
This is gonna be like The King's Speech,

before he lost all that weight or
whatever. I haven't seen that movie.

It's fine, Gina.

I don't need any tricks.
I've got the truth,

and the truth is all I need to bring down

Commissioner Kelly.

Hello.

So, Hitchcock, what's the
deal with the secret van?

Nothing.
It's where I sleep during my divorces.

If this van's a-rocking,
my ex-wife's a-locking,

me, out of her house.

Catchy.

What are we doing here, Jake?

What are we even looking for?
Whatever it is

that Hitchcock's trying to hide from us.

Well, I'd imagine he'd be
hiding everything in here from us.

It's a van of horrors. Yeah, I know.

I saw the bucket of
male body butter, and her.

But my gut tells me there's
a smoking gun in here.

It's like you want them to be guilty.
I don't.

I just want to know what
happened, unlike you,

who doesn't want them to be
guilty, no matter what the truth is.

I'm not an idiot just
because I have a heart.

Well, your heart just might be an idiot,

because voilà!

[GAGS] So many smells.
Shouldn't have gone for the flourish.

Wait, is that…
The fourth bag from the picture?

Same logo, same stain under the handle,

And it's empty. They're guilty!

Nuh-uh. Not necessarily.
I mean, there could be a very good…

[DOORS SLAM SHUT]

Damn it. We're trapped.
We're trapped in the Beaver Trap.

We're the beavers. We're the beavers!

[JAKE KICKING DOOR]

It won't budge.

I can't believe we let Hitchcock
and Scully get the drop on us.

It's like being outsmarted
by a couple of tomatoes.

I'm the tomato.

I was wrong about them, and I'm
probably wrong about Dragomir.

I'm too nice.

I let every random jerk suckle
at the teat of my human kindness.

Gross.
Now please hand me that mannequin's leg.

There were so many
warning signs about Dragomir.

Nikolaj had never heard of him.

He's 45. He asked for money.

He's 45.
He didn't have a birth certificate.

He's 45. He looked older than 15.

He's 45. Fine. He was 45.

I'm just a sucker, trapped
in a creepy sex van.

That's not entirely true.

You're no longer trapped in a van.

[UNLOCKS]

[JAKE GRUNTS]

Crap. They took our car.
All right, I'll just call them

and beg them to turn themselves in.

No. I left my phone in the car.

I know it's under one of their butts.

If they have your phone, then
we can track where they're going.

I have "Find My Phone"
set up to track you.

What? I do that for all
my friends, not just you.

Show me.

There's no time. Look,

they're headed south on the Belt Parkway.

Check what exit they're taking.
Marine Park.

BOTH: They're going to Wing Slutz.

But how do we get there?
We don't have a car.

But we do have a van.

[VAN RUNNING SLOWLY]

Yeah, we should have taken a Lyft.
I feel like a predator.

PERALTA: This isn't our car.
It's a loaner.

We respect women! I'm still with her!

So, you are doing a TV interview?
That's cool.

Why are you smiling?

'Cause he's one of
those friendly villains,

like the Verizon guy
who defected to Sprint.

If you're angry, come out and say it.
I'm not angry.

I'm just curious about
what all this means.

It's not often that one of our captains
makes an unapproved media appearance.

It's fun. I plan on using

this interview to criticize
you and your policies.

Okay. That's your prerogative.

No, don't chuckle.

A frown is a more appropriate response.

I like you, Raymond. No, you don't.

I do.
And I just came down here to tell you

that if you go through
with this interview,

I have some real fun ideas about new
ways to spice up life at the Nine-Nine.

I don't like your
threats, and I don't like

the cheery manner in which
you've chosen to deliver them.

Well, I'm just a cheery guy.

You're a snake. Okay.

I'm a snake.

[HISSING]

No, they found us.

Damn straight, we did.
What were you thinking?

They obviously weren't
thinking about anyone,

especially the one friend, me, who
had their backs and believed in them

the whole time!
Why is the little one so mad?

He's going through something.
Now stand up, wet wipe your hands,

and put them behind your
backs so we can cuff you.

Thank God. I'm so tired of running.

-It's only been an hour.
-DONNA: Stop.

They didn't do anything wrong.

Excuse me, ma'am.
This is police business.

I know. I'm Donna, the manager
here, but my real name's Marissa Costa.

I'm Gio Costa's wife, and
I'm the reason they're here.

You were the informant. Yeah, I was.

Marissa's the only reason we got Costa.

HITCHCOCK: And our
captain screwed her over.

He wouldn't put her
in Witness Protection.

So, you did take the cash.

You just didn't keep it.
You gave it to her.

We come down here and
check on her periodically.

Yeah, we never spoke,
but if she put an extra wing

in our slut bucket, it
meant everything was okay.

Wait, so I was right.
Hitchcock and Scully are good people.

You bet your nips we are, skid mark.

Well, people are complicated.
These two contain

multitudes. Yeah.

Hey, guys. I just wanted to
say that I talked to my squad,

and we're sorry we've been
so disrespectful of your space.

Really? What's going on here? Nothing.

We just want to make things right.

You upstairs people are really great,

and there's a lot we
could learn from you.

Well, that is true. We are pretty great,

you downstairs people
are gonna figure it out.

You're all right. Thanks, Terry.

Truce? Truce.

Now!

What the hell?

You thought the microwave
was a mess before?

Well, we just threw
a whole fish in there.

What happened to the truce?

-The truce was crap.
-SANTIAGO: You bet it was.

Viva the downstairs people!

[EXPLOSION]

What the hell was in that fish?
I don't know.

It's from the Gowanus.
It probably ate a bunch of batteries.

Diaz, what is going on?
Commissioner Kelly is still in my office.

I'm so sorry. I didn't know.
We were just having a minor disagreement.

Well, can it.

I am struggling for the
very soul of the NYPD,

so please stop squabbling
over these unimportant things.

Of course, sir, but it's not unimportant.

The overcrowding, the desks,

it's affecting morale.

KELLY: Jeez, something smells funky.

What happened here?

Was it a fight, because it's so crowded?

I hope nothing else happens
to make everything worse.

Listen, Kelly, I'm going to do that
interview, and you can't stop me,

so go ahead. Cut our budget,
close more of the building,

open other fake IA
investigations into my detectives.

I didn't do that. No, the IA thing,

your detectives aren't
under investigation,

although it's not a bad idea.

Hey, thanks for the suggestion.

Excuse me.

I need to make a call.

Okay, thank you, sir.

Hey, guys, I have something
super important to tell you,

but first, Scully, you have
a Hitler sauce mustache.

Thank you. Go on.

Internal Affairs isn't actually
investigating your case.

-That call you got wasn't real.
-BOYLE: What?

The guy on the phone sounded legit.
He had a very deep voice.

If it's not IA, who is it?

My guess is someone who
wanted us to lead them to Marissa.

[TIRES SCREECH]

Which, apparently, we just did.

That's Gio Costa.
How'd he get out of jail?

Probably for good behavior.
He had really great manners.

Yeah, he and his gigantic
gun look like real sweethearts.

Noice. All right,

we gotta get out of here.
Is there a back exit?

Through the kitchen. Great.

All right, listen up, everybody.
We're NYPD. If you could all please

head to the back exit immediately.

Leave the wings, Hitchcock. No!

Look, Jake, it's the slut sauce.
It's perfect.

Hey, guys, we gotta leave,
and we gotta leave right now.

Charles, let's go. Negative.

I count three, possibly
four gunmen out there.

PERALTA: All right, no one panic.

I'm sure they didn't
even see us come in here.

-[BANGING ON DOOR]
-We saw you go back there.

Okay, so I was wrong about that.

I'm gonna go around
back and cut them off.

Knock this door down, now.

All right, here's the way I see it.
We gotta break out the back entrance

and get these people to the van.
Okay, everyone, just follow my lead.

No, we got you into this mess.
We'll get you out of it. Follow our lead.

There are armed men out there.
We don't even have our bulletproof vests.

We can use the slut sauce.

That's insane. It's not even solid.
The bullets will go right through it.

If you don't think the
slut sauce is solid,

then you might want to
talk to my rock-hard arteries.

HITCHCOCK: We're
doing this, and that's final.

Scully, it's time to sauce up.

[SCREAMING]

Why'd you stop yelling? Look.

Thank God. My wife and my dad are here.

I mean, Captain Dad.
I mean, I know who my dad is.

It's you. Hi, Amy.

SWAT just cleared out the dining room.

They got everyone. Copy that.

All right, Charles, you
can bring everyone out.

The Nine-Nine is here.

See, everyone, I told you
we had it all under control.

There was no need to panic.

You're dead, Marissa.

[SLOW MOTION] No!

Are you guys okay? Did you get hit?

No. It hit the tub, but the
bullet didn't make it through.

The slut sauce.

It saved you.

-You bet your nips it did, skid mark.
-PERALTA: Hitchcock.

You suck, man.

HOLT: So, I spoke to Internal Affairs,

and since Hitchcock and
Scully did steal that money,

even though it was to help someone,
there have to be consequences.

-[BOTH CHANTING]
-Desk duty, desk duty…

One year of desk duty.

BOTH: Yeah.

I mean, oh, no.

Thanks for getting
there so fast today, sir.

Were you able to still do your interview?

He did not. However, I did so.

The real question is what are police?

I'm sorry. Who are you again?

They said they've never
had more viewer complaints.

Controversial and loving it.

[IMITATES A PUNCH LINE STING]

Squad, I want to apologize.
I have been acting as though

nothing mattered except
my pursuit of justice,

but seeing my people in danger today
made me realize I was being short-sighted.

I do give a hoot.

I give a hoot about all of you.

Are we gonna keep saying "hoots"?
Is this forever?

-I pray not.
-HOLT: I'm gonna keep pushing back

against John Kelly,
but not at your expense.

Thank you, sir, and we're going to
stop bickering with the upstairs people.

No, Amy. We're all upstairs people now.

Thanks, Terry.

Okay, I clearly missed
a whole thing there.

Hey, man. I just want to say
I'm sorry I didn't listen to you.

I was wrong about Hitchcock and Scully.

No, you were right.
I am too trusting sometimes.

I did a little digging on Dragomir.
Turns out, he's not 15. He's…

Hundred and three. Thirty-four.

But the orphanage confirmed
he is actually Nikolaj's half-brother.

Anyway, we're taking it slow.
In a few months, he'll come out to visit.

Hey, thanks for having our back today.

These are from the old studs of
the Nine-Nine to the new studs.

Nice. Nice.

Well, I think they drank out of these.
They're half-empty.

Definitely. Hitchcock's
contact lens is floating in mine,

which once again begs the question,
what happened to those guys?

I mean, when did it all fall apart?

Hey, Donna, just want to make sure
you're okay here working at Wing Slutz.

Yeah. It's a good job, and I'm
excited about my new life. Thanks.

Our pleas.

Well, we're gonna go hit the gym

for the second time today.

Wait. You need some protein
to fuel those hard bodies.

-It's on me.
-SCULLY: What the heck.

One wing can't hurt.

♪ Take my breath away ♪

♪ Take my breath away ♪