All language subtitles for Brooklyn Nine-Nine - S03E17 - Adrian Pimento.eng.SDH

BOYLE: Hey, Jake,

can I show you something over here?

I'm trying to send Genevieve a sexy pic.

Does this make my bubble butt pop?

Nope. I'm out.

[WHISPERS] Who's that?

Um, excuse me, pal.
Think you're at my desk.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Drop it! Drop the weapon!

Squad, meet Detective Adrian Pimento.

He's been deep undercover
for the last 12 years,

but he's just resurfaced, and
he's rejoining the Nine-Nine.

That is awesome!

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

Some of you just met Detective Pimento,

and, of course, some of you knew him

before he went undercover.

Hitchcock and Scully. [SCOFFS]

You guys still work here?

The only way they're getting
rid of us is in a body bag.

It actually happened once,

but it was a false alarm.

Detective Pimento will
be returning to his old desk.

Peralta will temporarily be
moved to the break room.

Questions?

I worked for Jimmy "The Butcher" Figgis.

That is an A-list mobster.

Tell me literally everything.

Everyone, shut up!

Pretty much just a bagman for him.

I mean, I did some other stuff.

[GRUNTING]

[SOBBING]

Um, we usually try to
tell funnier little stories.

Well, there's nothing funny
about what I did for The Butcher.

I've had to learn not to blink,

because every time I close
my eyes, I see a fresh horror.

Ooh, dark.

Actually, I have a very funny
story about keeping my eyes moist.

[GRUNTING]

[LAUGHS]

Come on.

Nope. Still not getting that vibe, man.

Really?

I'll get there. That's my bad, everybody.

Dismissed.

Sir, can I partner with
Pimento on my B&E?

That guy is awesome.

He's like a real-life Donnie Brasco.

Isn't Donnie Brasco a really
sad movie that ends terribly?

Yeah, but he's got that cool jacket,

and he's always down at the docks.

I'm not sure I want you
working with Pimento.

He's a little unstable.

Machine!

Psychologically, this could be

a very difficult transition.

Yeah, I know, I went undercover.

Sixty-three days, no big deal.
You probably forgot.

No, it's your outgoing
voice mail message.

PERALTA [OVER PHONE]: Hey, it's Jake.
Can't get to the phone right now.

I might be undercover again,
like I was for 63 days. Bye!

Look, I know what he's going through.

Let me be the man

that brings him in from the cold.

All right, he can work the B&E with you.

Just make sure you take it easy.

Uh…
Sir, I was 20 minutes late for work today.

I don't think you need to
tell me about taking it easy.

Are you bragging about
being a bad employee?

No.

Dismissed? Me?

I figured out the best way to welcome

Pimento to the Nine-Nine.

Stay out of his way,
maybe buy him a drink,

not do anything weird?

I'm making him a goat stew.

Huh. All right.

Yeah, now, this Turkmenistani dish

is traditionally made from an
animal that's been so overfed

it can no longer stand.

[WHISTLES] That's the dream.

BOYLE: Everything is authentic.

I even ordered the pressure
cooker from Turkmenistan.

So, you're on a terrorist watch list now?

Oh, yeah, Homeland
Security's been to my house, yep.

Now, this just needs to cook for
another 11 hours, 32 minutes, and six…

What the hell, Boyle!
You almost killed me!

I'm not going out in a
stew-making accident!

Terry's gonna die saving the President,

or Terry's never gonna die!

SANTIAGO: There's no way
we can clean this up by ourselves.

We're gonna need help.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
What are you saying?

You know what she's saying, man.

Oh, no.

Mean Marge.

So, we're supposed to come
running to clean up your mess

every time you snap
your fat little fingers?

Oh, no, no, I actually can't snap
my fingers, they're always too wet.

And I just thought, since it's your job…

Oh, I see.

You cops think you're too good
to clean up after yourselves?

No, I can do it myself, I'll just…

How dare you try to steal our jobs?

So, where do we go from here?

Well, you know the old saying,

"The only way to unclog
a toilet is to let it sit."

You're a janitor.
You should know that's not true.

Boys, take out the trash.

Oh, great! So, you will do it?

Oh, I'm the trash, I get it. Okay,
that makes more sense with your tone.

[METAL CHAIR SKIDDING]

Love you, Marge.

You wanted to see me, sir?

Yes, I have a special project for you.

Okay, but I'll have you know
right now I only fly first class.

I'm not flying you anywhere.

I made an application to the M.C.
Guff in Foundation

for a grant to upgrade
our office equipment.

Unfortunately, they
require a video submission.

I understand you have
some filmmaking experience.

Well, you know, I've been
re-Vined by Rob Kardashian,

so, yeah, I'm a director.

Here's what I'm picturing, I
enter, in, like, a Fellini-style getup.

Rosa's dressed like a porcupine…

Oh, no, no. We're just gonna do a simple,

straightforward tour of the precinct

featuring Detective Diaz and me.

Are you sure?

You're not our most
dynamic screen presences.

I can be dynamic. Exclamation point.

Well, Diaz and I have
that kind of easy chemistry

where we finish each other's…

Please, don't interrupt me.

That kind of nonsense
won't happen on camera.

PERALTA: Hey, hey, Pimento.

Hey! This is my desk, okay?

Okay, well, now that
that's out of the way,

I was just coming to let you know
we're gonna work a B&E together.

We're gonna be partners.

Nope. I work alone.

Plus, The Butcher says
he has spies in the NYPD,

so I trust none of these dildos.

Listen, you can trust me.
I'm, like, obsessed with you.

[SCOFFS] Fine. Tell me something
you've never told another living soul.

Um… Ooh, here's one.

I'm actually not strong
enough to lift a water cooler jug,

so I always find a way
to make Terry do it.

Here's mine. Jimmy "The Butcher"
made me drive a croquet wicket

through a guy's eyes into his brain.

Brain leaked out his eyes like
he was crying his own mind.

My goodness.

Now that I've heard yours,

I feel like my water cooler thing

could have been a little more juicy, but…

No. That was embarrassing for you.

A bond has been made.

[PERALTA GRUNTS]

Feels good to trust again, brother.

Wow, either you are a cyborg

or you're carrying so
many weapons in this jacket.

Hey. Kitchen, now.

Okay.

What's up?

Why, just because he
keeps threatening to kill me

in the middle of a police precinct?
Uh, grow up.

Because I'm physically attracted to him.

And that's bad?

I'm only attracted to creeps.

The Vulture, the ShamWow Guy,

and when I was a kid, I had a
major crush on the evil Gremlin.

Stripe? Are you crazy?

Yeah, well I'm not gonna bone Gizmo.

I would.

[CHUCKLES] It's gonna be fine.

Hey, partner.

I've been waiting for you.

[CHUCKLES]

PIMENTO: Sorry if I surprised you.

It's just when I was undercover,
the middle of the night

was the only time I could
do actual police work.

Uh, how'd you get in the apartment?

Oh, it was easy.

I just seduced the old lady upstairs,

came down the fire escape,
jimmied the window open.

Bing-bang-boom, I'm
inside your living quarters.

Totally.

Course, next time you could
just give me a call, you know.

Two ways to pop in on a friend.

I didn't kill the old lady upstairs,

if that's what you're worried about.

Well, I am now.

Oh, wait a minute.
You think I'm being weird.

Oh, I shouldn't have come here.
This is your apartment.

I'm so sorry, Jake!

Stupid, Paul! Stupid! You idiot, Paul!

Hey! Pimento!

Who's Paul?

Paul Sneed was my undercover name. 'Kay?

Damn it, Jake.
I don't know who I am anymore.

You could have chose
any name to go undercover,

and you picked Paul Sneed?
Seems kind of crazy.

I shouldn't have come here.
This was a mistake. I'm not ready.

I knew I wasn't ready to
go back to being police.

It's the only job I've ever had
except for bagging groceries

at the supermarket at the
corner of Atlantic and Clinton.

I guess I could go back to that again.

"Paper or plastic?"

Yeah, still got it.

Listen to me, I was undercover.

Sixty-three days with the Mafia.

I saw some messed-up stuff.

I know what your struggle is.

And I can bring you home,
but you've got to trust me.

Okay. Yeah.

Great. Now, I've got to get some sleep.

You're welcome to stay here
and work the case if you want.

Thanks, partner.
I promise I won't disturb you at all.

[PIMENTO MOANING LOUDLY]

Hey, Pimento.

I thought you were just gonna
be looking through the files

or something, man.

Sorry, brother.
Tai chi helps keep the demons at bay.

Right.

And…

Do you have to do it in your underwear?

I can't take them off,

'cause then you'd be looking
right at my penis and testicles.

Can't argue with that logic. Okay.

Why is there so much garbage in here?

[EXHALES] Mean Marge
won't clean up the stew.

And also, she suspended
our trash service.

What happened?
You didn't grovel enough, did you?

Seriously, Amy,

you're gonna ask Charles Boyle

if he groveled enough? Come on!

This is the grossest
thing I've ever seen,

and I have three kids
under the age of four.

I live in a house of fluids.

Look, I have a plan, okay?

We're just gonna go over Mean
Marge's head and we're gonna tell Holt.

Tell me what?

Well, I don't know if you noticed,

but there was an accident
in the break room yesterday.

Oh, yes, shattered
windows, bones everywhere.

It's very "New York in the '70s."
Clean it up.

The problem is Marge in
facilities is refusing to help.

We were actually hoping
maybe you could ask her.

Excuse me?
I'm the captain of this precinct.

I don't have time to mediate
your petty squabbles.

I've taken a sacred oath
to protect this community,

and that is a job I take seriously.

So, you're afraid of her, too, huh?

Terrified.

Yeah, perp knew where the camera was.

Must have cased the joint ahead of time.

We're gonna need all your
footage from the past week.

[LAUGHS] This is an amateur job.

Everybody knows you break
in when the owner's there.

That way you have
guaranteed access to the safe,

and you can kick his
teeth in to send a message.

Okay, why don't you just…

Oh, sure, you could slit his throat,

but then what are you
going to do with all the blood?

Uh, we'd leave it in his body,

where blood lives, because we're cops.

Oh, right, we're cops.
And don't worry, sir.

We're gonna catch these bastards,
or my name isn't Paul Sneed.

Adrian Pimento.

So, what'd they take?

About $15,000 worth of stuff.

TVs, cameras, bunch
of prepaid cell phones.

Ooh, you sell burner phones?

What kind of deals you got on those?

Why do you want to know about the deals?

Just gathering evidence for the
case, 'cause I'm a cop, remember?

Detective Paul Sneed.

Adrian Pimento.

Adrian… I know who I am.

You know what, forget this!

Ah, okay.

[GRUNTING]

Hey, hey, hey, come on, man.

Look, I get it, you're still tense.

When I came back from being
undercover, they made me see a shrink.

But then he told me I had
dad issues, and I was like,

"You know what, you
can't tell me what to do,

"you're not my dad," so he was a moron.

No, you know what, that's good advice.
Thanks, man, thanks.

I'll be right back, I just
left something inside.

Hey, give me one of those.

Why are you buying a burner phone?

Cue smoke machine.

And action Holt.

Welcome to the Nine-Nine.
I'm Captain Raymond Holt.

And I'm Detective Rosa Diaz.

I don't understand
why I'm on a wheelchair.

Cut!

For the last time, Rosa, through
the magic of special effects,

the wheelchair will turn into a horse,

but I need you to work with me.

Give me a little "Hee-yah! Hee-yah!"

This is idiotic.

Maybe because you
didn't karate chop your way

through the smoke, as scripted.

I'm out. Scully.

Rosa!

Hee-yah. Hee-yah.

I wanted a simple, straightforward
video tour of the precinct,

and you've added the one
ingredient I didn't want, pizzazz.

Pizzazz is who I am.

Would you tell the sky
to stop being so blue?

Yes. I wish it were tan.

It's my favorite color. It's no-nonsense.

Hey, I've been tailing Pimento,
and I think you were right.

There's something weird
going on with that guy.

I knew it. Ugh!

I can't believe I'm gonna sleep with him.

Well, you don't have to.

No, I'm gonna.

[EXHALES] He secretly bought a
burner phone, he broke into my apartment,

and he keeps forgetting he's a cop

and calling himself by
his alias, Paul Sneed.

"Paul Sneed"?

He said Figgis has spies in the NYPD.

Rosa, what if he's one of them?
What if he turned?

Oh, here he comes.

Oh, man, bolt cutters?

Bolt cutters have literally never
been used by an innocent person.

I use them all the time
when I make jewelry.

Oh, my God. Follow-up questions later.

All right, I got to keep following him.

All right, but be careful.

Oh, don't worry about me.
I'll be invisible.

Now, you see me, now you…

[LOUD MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO]

[PERALTA GROANS]

[MUSIC STOPS]

We're cool, we're cool.

Everything's still cool.
He didn't hear me, we're cool.

[PHONE BEEPS]

Rosa. Pimento just put on a ski mask

and broke into a creepy
abandoned warehouse.

Mmm, that's hot.

Oh, wait, he's coming back out.

DIAZ: Did he do something super shady?

Are his eyes all wild?

Sorry. Send a pic. Bye.

Okay, guess we're done talking.

Well, they still haven't
cleaned up in there,

but the good news is I got a new plan.

I let one of the perps

accidentally get out of holding,

then I take him down to the break room.
Oopsie.

Now it's a whole crime scene.

[GASPS] And then we can
get crime scene cleaners.

Boom.

That room gets clean
when I say it gets cleaned.

You can't stop us now.

You ever heard the old saying,

"Know the garbage, know the man"?

That's not a saying.

Yes, it is.

I know all your secrets.

[SNAPS FINGERS] Boyle.

You got a taste for fast food.

[GIGGLES] Those aren't mine.

I only eat locally-sourced meats.

They could be Terry's.
He was fat once, you know?

What the hell, Boyle?

MARGE: Speaking of Jeffords,

maybe your daughters would like to know

that their daddy throws
away all their drawings?

They just draw so many,
and they're all so bad.

MARGE: And you, Santiago,

maybe the world would like
to see that draft of a memo

you wrote where you used
T-H-E-I-R instead of T-H-E-R-E?

Oh, you sick son of a bitch.

Why do you hate us so much?

I know you call me Mean Marge.

Do you even know my last name, hmm?

Mop-Bucket?

Please.

Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys.

"Mop-Bucket," Scully?

It was an educated guess.

Thanks for coming.

Pimento put the duffel in his trunk,

parked around the corner, and went home.

He's been doing shirtless tai
chi in his window ever since.

Which window is that?

Mmm-hmm.

Okay. Look, I got to get into that trunk.

And you need me to
break into the car for you?

What? No, I can do it.
Why would you say that?

Because one time you lost your
keys and you called a tow truck.

My mom pays for roadside assistance.

Why wouldn't I call it? I'm doing this.

Okay, great take.
You guys are finally getting it.

All right, let's go again.

Action Holt!

[RHYTHMIC BLOWING]

Welcome to the Nine-Nine.
I'm Captain Raymond Holt.

And I'm Detective Rosa Diaz. Hee-yah.

HOLT: What the hell is this?

You had a pizzazz problem,

so you've been recast, sweetie.

Welcome to Hollywood.

You know, David here
really connected with the role.

The key is to invent a
backstory for your character.

Now, my Raymond Holt is
addicted to pills, but no one knows.

You see, he really understands the craft,

whereas you and Rosa
just sort of flop around

like a couple of boring normals.

I'm sorry, but we're detectives,
not professional actors.

We were trying our hardest.

"We were trying our hardest."

Gina, this is a disgrace.
I'm removing you as director.

There he goes.

[WHISPERS] Off to take more pills.

Oh, yeah. Suck it, roadside assistance.

PIMENTO: Well, well, well.

Hello, Jake.

Adrian, what a coincidence
bumping into you here.

Well, see you tomorrow.

You know what, let's hang out now.

I was thinking the exact same thing.
[LAUGHS]

What are you doing here, partner?

DIAZ [OVER RADIO]:
Pimento's still in the window.

Come on, Jake.

You honestly didn't assume
I would hire a look-alike

to wear a fake beard and
do tai chi in my window?

No, I definitely didn't assume that.

And plus, you seriously
thought that was me?

I mean, you've seen me in my underpants.
My butt is rock hard.

That guy's got a pancake butt.

I can't believe you're
still working for Figgis.

That's why you've been acting so weird.

Breaking into my apartment, buying
a burner phone, grabbing this duffel.

I broke into your apartment
'cause I didn't feel safe at my home.

Okay.

Is the only kind of phone I can get

because I disappeared for 12 years,

and now have terrible credit.

You want to know what's in the duffel?

Open it up, tough guy.

[SIGHS]

Oh, look at that.

A bunch of old family photos,
and personal belongings.

Pimento's mementos.

I know you have a gun on me.
I just couldn't resist the rhyme, sorry.

I stashed it all when I
became Paul Sneed.

I couldn't have them finding anything

that could trace back to my family.

I get it, all right?

I went through the exact
same thing when I came back.

You have no clue what I've been through!

You know what?

I can't believe I trusted you.

Okay.

Just get out of here, Jake.

DIAZ: Oh, my God, this
guy's got a pancake butt.

It's not Pimento. Get out of there, Jake!

Thanks, Rosa.

So, Detective Pimento
didn't show up for work today.

Any idea why?

I straight-up drove him off.

Big screw-up on my part.

I'm trying this new thing
where I just own my mistakes.

I like it. Do you?

Until you bragged about it.

Pimento left his gun,
and badge on my desk,

along with a note reading, "I can't
do this. I'm better off as a bagman."

Oh, no.

You think he went
back to work with Figgis?

Worse.

Fine, single bag it.

It's your funeral, you
dumb son of a bitch.

Get out of here.

Idiot.

Hey, partner.

Actually, cashiers and bag
boys need to be totally in sync…

Shut up, Maggie.

Look, man, you sacrificed
12 years of your life

for the police department, you're a hero.

I'm sorry that I didn't trust you.

Yeah. Me, too.

Look, can I tell you something
I've never told anyone before?

My time undercover in the
Mafia was actually kind of lame.

I mean, I wanted it to be badass,

but I'm good at computers,
so I mostly just helped them

switch over from AOL.

I have no idea what you're going through.

And I want to tell you that it's
all gonna go back to normal,

but honestly, I have no clue.

Anyways, the footage came back
on that B&E, and we've got a suspect.

I'm going to bust him right
now if you want to come with me.

Why don't you give me those eggs?
I'll put them on top here.

Okay.

What was that about?
What happened to you?

Maggie, butt out! Okay? This is my life!

So, I just received word from
our friend at the Guff in Foundation.

Apparently they loved
our video submission.

What did you send them?

A cinematic masterpiece
is what I sent them.

Did it feature pizzazz?

No, none at all, sir.

First, I couldn't wrap my
head around that concept,

but then I realized,

do you know which dogs get
the most likes on the Internet?

Anatolian Shepherds.

No, ugly little runts

with wonky eyes, and tongues
that won't stay in their mouths.

But the Anatolian Shepherd is
unrivaled for protecting livestock.

I was trying to wow them,

and I should have just been
showcasing our wonk-eye.

[SOFT MUSIC PLAYING]

HOLT [ON COMPUTER]: We were trying
our hardest, but this is a disgrace.

[ECHOING] Disgrace, disgrace.

HOLT:

And that's real audio of
your very real diva meltdown.

You might just make
it as an actor after all.

Well done, Linetti.

Sergeant Linetti.
I had the fake Holt give me a promotion.

He signed the papers and everything.

What do you want?

To tell you that we will officially be
renaming the fourth-floor break room

"The Marge Bronigan Break Room."

Well, looks like somebody
did their homework.

It was me. I did it.

So, what's the catch?

The ceremony starts in two hours.

Now, I know our squad
is not in the janitor's union,

but it'd sure be nice if we were allowed

to clean the place up before then.

We cleaned up the stew,

which means the Marge Bronigan Break Room

is open for business.

Okay, we'll take out your
trash, do normal cleaning,

but no big messes.

Great! Time for the christening.

[CORK POPS]

[ALL MURMURING]

Oh, crap.

[ALL GASP]

Congratulations.

Perp is on the third floor.
Everyone know your assignment?

Mind if I tag along?

Pimento?

I thought about it.

If you say things will
get back to normal,

then I trust you.

All right.

Let's do this. You're with me, partner.

NYPD! You're under arrest!

You're gonna die!

No, Pimento! No!