All language subtitles for Brooklyn Nine-Nine - S03E09 - The Swedes.eng.SDH

My fellow detectives,
ours is not an easy job.

The hours are long,
the danger is constant.

The pay is LOL.

But today, a glimmer of hope.

For today, a new vending machine.

[APPLAUSE]

Behold him in all of his glory.

So full of strength and promise,

and most importantly,
sodium, gluten, and fat. Whoo!

The time has finally come
to christen the machine.

Boyle, the champagne?

Well, technically, it's a Hungarian
Pezsgo from the Tárnok Valley.

For once in your life, don't ruin it.
Give him the bottle.

Thank you.

I hereby christen thee Snacky Chan!

[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]

Whoa!

Okay, well, at least it
was just the keypad.

None of the snacks got messed up.

Whoa! Go! Right!

-JEFFORDS: Okay, okay.
-[FIRE ALARM BEEPING]

No! It should've been me.
It should've been me!

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

[FOGHORN BLARING]

Our perp's name is Karl Ove.

My CI said he's selling
counterfeit caviar out of a blue stall.

This place smells like a squid
farted inside a whale's butt.

[SNIFFS] Yes, that is
the exact combo of smells.

Nicely done.

Hey, next week is my
six-month anniversary with Amy.

Should I do something special?

You know what I like
about our relationship, Jake?

We don't talk about our
love lives or our families,

or anything that's on our minds.

It's why you're my
closest friend in the world.

Yeah, I know, but I need help on this.

I asked Boyle and he was useless.

Put a baby in her, Jake.
What are you waiting for?

So, do that then. Problem solved.

Look, it's our guy.

Excuse me, sir, we're with the NYPD.

I just need to ask you a couple of…

Oh! Shrimp! I hate that!

[GRUNTS]

You're under arrest, punk.
Nobody gets away from Jake Per…

Something yucky touched me!
Ugh, gross, gross, gross!

Hang on. What's that?

What have we here?

[SPEAKING SWEDISH]

What?

[SPEAKING SWEDISH]

I have no idea what you're saying.

[SPEAKING SWEDISH]

Just as I suspected immediately.

It's a flawless 39-carat diamond
that was stolen six weeks ago

from the Royal Stockholm Museum.

I've just received word from Interpol

that two detectives are on their way

from Sweden to pick up the suspect.

Please make them feel welcome.

Welcome? We're gonna
roll out the fricking red carpet.

Working a jewel heist with Interpol?

This is the best thing
that's ever happened to me!

Second best. Aw.

[WHISPERING] First best.
I was lying to Amy.

[GROANING LOUDLY]

Do you guys know anyone
who wants some used textbooks?

I'd love them.

It's never too late to teach
yourself something new…

So, no one. Great.

Why are you throwing those out?

Because I'm never gonna
pass this astronomy final.

So, I won't graduate.
So, my life is ruined.

Or we could help you study.

I did graduate magna
cum laude from Syracuse.

I know that sounds like a brag.
And it was!

Terry killed it in college.

Plus, I know a thing
or two about astronomy.

I had 11 straight birthdays
at the planetarium.

That was also a brag.

My God, you guys are such pathetic nerds.

But maybe that's what I
need right now, pathetic nerds.

Okay. You pathetic nerds can help me.

Thank you?

You are so welcome.

HOLT: Peralta, Diaz.

This is Inspector Knausgaard
and Deputy Inspector Carlsson.

Their flight here was eight hours.

It's been a pleasure talking with you

about the duration of your flight.

Good day.

Well, there goes my opening question

about how long your flight was.

It was eight hours. Yeah, no, I got that.

I was joking, sorry.
It must have got lost in translation.

No, we understand you perfectly.

Everyone in Sweden speaks English.

We also speak Norwegian, Dutch,
German, French, Russian, and Finnish.

But not Danish.

That is a garbage
language for garbage people.

Yeah. Word up.

Well, I have almost memorized
"Gangnam Style" phonetically,

so samesies.

I don't know this word. "Samesies"?

From context, I believe it means

"proudly uneducated." Ah.

So… No.

…where's our prisoner? Being processed.

But in the meantime,

may I offer you some
of the finest cuisine

in Brooklyn from my favorite restaurant?

The food cart outside the precinct.
It's really good.

Hmm, none for Soren.

He's allergic to lactose,
gluten, and tomato ketchup.

Oh. Also, none for Agneta.

She and her husband are
trying to have another baby,

so she can't eat anything
that will alter her cervical pH.

Oh. You guys are real close, huh?

In Sweden, we believe for
a proper team to function,

partners must be completely
open with each other.

Yeah. We have no secrets.

Not even our bodies.
We sauna together all the time.

Yeah, well, we are also very close.

One time, Rosa saw me in my bathing suit.

No, I didn't, you told me to turn around.
Yeah.

Well, since we cannot eat
your disgusting street food,

could you please check if our
prisoner has been processed?

Yeah, we don't mean to offend, it's just

this place is filthy and you
both seem unprofessional.

Unprofessional?

Well, we were going to take you

to our favorite laser tag place,

but now, you're officially uninvited.

Rosa.

Ah, Boyle.
Just the man we were looking for.

Kevin has accepted a fellowship to teach

at the Sorbonne for the next six months.

Oh, I love Paris.

At least how it's represented
in the movie Ratatouille.

Uh… The rodent chef.

Ah, yes. Farfetched.

Anyway, Kevin and I belong
to the Park Slope Racquet Club,

where we've established
a squash doubles dynasty.

KEVIN: We've taken home
the trophy two years in a row.

Unfortunately, I'll be flying to Paris
this year during the tournament.

It's a seven-hour flight. [WHISTLES]

I remember you told
me you played in college.

Three-time intramural
champion at Sarah Lawrence.

Would have been four, but
senior year I played Greaseball

in our school's production
of Starlight Express.

Interesting casting.

In any case, I would be honored
if you would take my place,

so that Raymond could make it a treble.

Absolutely! I would love to do that!

Great. Formidable.

Yup! That is great. This is great.

This is terrible. Why?

You always said you wanted
more face time with Holt.

No, not like this.
Squash brings out my competitive side.

Breaking racquets,
cursing, excessive mooning.

One time, just to psych a guy out,

I locked eyes with him
and ate a squash ball.

That's not possible.

It's still in me, Terry.

Look, the point is to have fun.

So, just relax and have fun.

Right, right, right, yeah.
It's just a game. It's fun.

There's no need for Holt to
see me unleash the beast.

[LAUGHS] Okay. [CLEARS THROAT]

That's a strange little man.

Probably telling Captain
Holt how much they like to

[FAKE ACCENT] sauna together.

Please.

They think they're so great

just 'cause they know
each other's allergies.

You know what I'm allergic to?

Yup. Them. Totally.

And also bees. You should know that.

If I got stung by a bee, I could die.

HOLT: Detectives, I've been
talking with the inspectors.

There's been a development
in the Köttbullediamant case.

Excellent pronunciation, Captain. Tack.

They believe our perp may have smuggled

more stolen Swedish
diamonds into Brooklyn.

Oh, well, thank you for the tip.

Have a wonderful flight home.

We will send you the jewels
as soon as we find them.

They're staying and
working the case with you.

Ah, fantastic.

Rosa, could you please fill
my car with a million bees?

Okay, since the Swedes are rudely late,

let's talk anniversary gift.

Should I get Amy something
cazh like shot glasses,

or something less cazh,
like golden shot glasses?

Still don't care. How about I get a jump

on our new partners and
search the perp's apartment?

Right. We'll get some clues, solve
the case, make them look like fools.

They can eat our American dust.

No, no. Soren is probably
[FAKE ACCENT] allergic to dust.

[CHUCKLES]

Oh, hello!

Yes, I am allergic to dust.

Everyone is. That's what sneezes are.

You're what sneezes are.
Okay. [CLEARS THROAT]

What are you guys doing here?

Oh, in Sweden, we call it police work.

Perhaps you don't have a word for it?

[WHISPERING] Oh, I hate you.
This is our case.

You can't work it without us.

Get your weird,
hairless fingers off of it.

Soren shaves his fingers for cycling.
It cuts down on drag.

Agneta is my biggest fanatic.

Just as I am a fanatic
of her slam poetry.

Would you like to hear some?
Would I like to?

-I would hate to!
-SOREN: Your loss.

Well, we've already
searched the entire apartment.

Yeah, well, now we're gonna search it,

and find things you
all missed, like this!

Your own keys?

Damn straight. Bag 'em, Diaz.

[KEYS THUD]

Astronomy is full of interesting facts.

For instance, here's one that
Hollywood doesn't want you to know.

A parsec is actually a
measure of distance.

One of the many inaccuracies
in the Star Wars universe.

Uh-huh. And what's Star Wars?

Oh, boy.

Maybe I'm getting ahead of myself.

Okay, let's talk planets.
Jupiter is a gas giant.

So is Hitchcock. How does this help me?

It also has 67 moons.

I came up with a fun mnemonic
device to remember them all.

It goes, "Every Individual Gets Crayons

"After Telling His Aggressive Little
Mongoose Painter Called 'Ernest'

"Some Lies About Tiny Panda Heads.

"Maybe One Kid Could Take Her Elephant

"Into California, Except…"

Where's Gina?

She told me you called me a "gas giant."

Well, now, you and I will never hook up.

Uh-oh. What's this?
A little piece of evidence

that evaded your bald little hands.

A shipping manifest that was
shoved into the back of a drawer.

Our perp transferred a container

to a shipyard in Bay
Ridge on October 11th.

That arrived over a month ago,
I doubt you'll find anything in it.

Please, you're just pissed

we cracked the case wide
open and you've got nada.

That's right, I speak Spanish.

Actually, we've got much more than nada.

Damn it, he speaks Spanish, too.

Agneta found an invitation to
a party tonight at the home of

Alvar Gustavsson.

The hot blond guy from True Blood? Oh!

No, the Swedish millionaire
with ties to organized crime.

Alvar Gustavsson. Yeah.

Oh, that Alvar Gooz-hev-vren.

Well, you're welcome to
pursue that dead-end lead

while we go to the shipping
container and find the jewels.

And maybe to celebrate, Rosa will
wear them to your dumbass party.

No, they're priceless,
please do not do that.

Yeah, obviously, we wouldn't.

We were just being jerks.
See you later, jerks.

Okay. Bye, Jake. Bye, Rosie.

Whoo!

You ready, Boyle?

Psyched up? No, why?

Do I seem psyched?

'Cause I'm definitely not.
I just want to have fun.

And to win.

Hey, if we all have fun
and don't throw any racquets

and don't eat squash
balls, then we're all winners.

What? Nothing. I'll serve.

Out. What?

Are you out of your mind? That was

fun.

That was a fun call.

You're a real fun guy, fun guy.

This is fun! This is fun!

Gina! I know astronomy can seem

a little daunting and scientific,

but I have a friend who I think

can make it pretty interesting.

Who dis?

Hi, Gina, I'm Neil deGrasse Tyson.

And I care, why?

Director of the Hayden Planetarium.

One of the world's
leading astrophysicists.

And he's doing me a huge favor.

And how do you know Terrance, Space Tie?

We're gym buddies.

[GRUNTING]

Damn, Neil deGrasse Tyson!
How are you doing that?

It's physics, Terry. It's physics.

Gina, look. Give me two hours.

You'll not only pass your exam,

you'll gain a deeper
appreciation of the universe

through which we journey
on this spaceship Earth.

Spaceship Earth? Way to go.

You just made Earth
lame, and that is my house.

Gina, why did you want to take astronomy?

Because I thought it would be cool,

just me sitting around
naming moons left and right,

like Zorp, Bong, Dingo.

Etcetera.
That would be one of the names, Etcetera.

She's gonna fail, isn't she?

Big time. Yeah.

DIAZ: According to the shipping company,

the container that came
in on October 11th is 34G1.

Cool.

Hey, what did you and Marcus do

for your six-month anniversary?

Keeping in mind that
he's dreamy and romantic,

and I only own $50.

Marcus and I broke up. What? When?

A month ago. A month ago?

How do I not know about this?

Because we don't talk about that crap.

We're not lame like the Swedes.

Right. Yeah, totally.

If Agneta broke up with her
husband, she'd probably be all,

"Oh, Soren, I am so heartbroken,"

and he'd be like, "What can I do to help?
I'm sorry,"

and give her a big old hug and
she'd be all feeling better like an idiot.

We don't need to do that because
what we do together is solve crimes.

You know it.

For example, 34G1. Boom.

We are about to uncover
a butt-load of diamonds.

Exactly.

It's fish! It's fish, Rosa!

Ugh.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Swedes.

Oh, hello, Jake.
You missed quite a party.

The blond man from True Blood was there.

Very cool guy. So cool.

Yeah, that's cool. Hey, this is
weird because I hate you guys,

but can I ask you a question?

If you broke up with your husband,

would you tell Soren about it?

Are you making a funny
laugh joke right now?

I would insist he be there for it

so that my husband would
have a shoulder to cry on.

Yeah, several years ago, Agneta and Lars

were having trouble conceiving.

She didn't even have to
ask me to donate my sperm.

I had it already in a
Tooperware, ready to go.

Wow, that's so gross, yeah.

Can we ask you a question? Mmm-hmm.

Why do you smell like fish?
Is it hygiene?

No, we spent the night cutting
open hundreds of dogfish

to see if they had diamonds inside.

Did they? Wouldn't you like to know?

Yeah. It would be pertinent to the case.

They didn't.
Although, one did have a battery in it.

What kind of a sicko
feeds a battery to a fish?

Well, while you were wasting your time,

we set up a meeting on 14 November

with the man we think is the buyer.

Um… No, don't worry, Soren.

I rescheduled your cycling
practice for 16 November,

and your dentist for 19 November.

You know me so well. [GIGGLES]

Ugh. Those guys suck.

They're so into each other, they're
probably gonna start holding hands.

Oh, they're actually holding hands.

Yeah, they are awful, for sure.

All tall and beautiful,

and you don't want to know what
they've got in their "Tooperware."

But honestly, I don't know that
it's that bad that they're close.

Wrong, it's the worst. Okay.

Oh, my God, I just figured
out where the diamonds are.

We thought the shipping container
came in on October 11th, 10/11,

but dumb Europeans
write their dates backwards.

We should've been going
through the one from 10 November.

Of course! Stupid rest of the
world, writing their date all dumb.

Yeah. Let's go. Okay.

HOLT: Boyle.

Is everything okay, you
know, with your brain?

Yeah. I'm great. I'm having a lot of fun.

Yes, I've heard you say that 162 times.

You do realize that if
we lose this next match,

we're out of the tournament?

Yes, but the important
thing is we had a good time.

No! The important thing
is that we win the trophy.

Because I promised Kevin before
he left for Paris that we would do that.

Do you know why I
chose you as my partner?

Because I'm the most
athletic person you know?

No, because of an article I read
in the Sarah Lawrence Phoenix

about a young man they called
"squash's unhinged lunatic."

I don't know what you're talking about.

According to that article,
that lunatic was 27-0.

I need him on my team.

I need you to unleash the beast.

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

Whoo!

You butternuts ready to get squashed?

"Huh? What? Duh?"

That's you guys while I smoke your butts,

because Ray-Ray and the
Beast don't even give a what.

We don't give a what. Uh-uh.

Whoo! Let's do this.

[GRUNTING]

Booyahkah, suckers!

Yeah! Oh!

[GRUNTS]

Yeah!

What?

You kidding me? Are you kidding me?

[GRUNTS] Yes!

Whoo! [SLAPS] Ow!

Way to go! That's it, baby!

Gina, great news.

Oh, no. Is Neil deGrasse Tyson here?

He will not stop trying to friend me.

No, but we think we figured out

how you're gonna pass your test.

Yeah, we realized that
we were trying to get you

to learn using our methods.

We should've been speaking your language.

-[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]
-The language of…

BOTH: Dance!

13.8 billion years
ago, there was nothing.

And then the big bang!

Yes!
Now, Amy, back up till you feel the wall.

And, Terry, ditch the shirt.

I'm ready to learn.

[BOTH PANTING]

And that's how you
calculate parallax distance.

[EXHALES] So, you ready for the test?

Oh, I took it this morning. I passed.

What?
It was nice how much you guys cared,

so I actually opened up
my textbook for the first time.

Y'all, astronomy is kind of interesting.

And I am hella smart.

Then why'd you make
us do that whole dance?

Two reasons, uno and dos.

I get that.

One-two, one-two, one-two, one-two.

[LAUGHS]

I guess we are the better team.

Why do people like these things?
They're just shiny rocks.

Yeah, totally.

You should be happier.
We found the jewels, we won.

Yeah, you're right. We should celebrate.

Why don't we go to a
bar and drink in silence?

Cool. Sounds good.
No, I was being a bitch.

How did you not pick up on that?

What is your problem, man?

Is this about your stupid
anniversary present?

Yeah, that, and you not
telling me about Marcus.

We're supposed to be friends.

You sound like Soren or
Agneta, whichever the boy one is.

Well, say what you want about them,

but at least they communicate, you know?

I've never even heard
your slam poetry, Rosa.

Why do you all of a sudden care about

every single little detail of my life?

Because all we talk
about is cop stuff, all right?

And that was fine when we were 20

because that's all I cared about.

But we're adults now
and there are other things,

like me and Amy and you and Marcus,

that friends are supposed to talk about.

Well, I guess we're not friends then.

[SCOFFS] Wow.

All right, I guess we're not.

[TRUCK RUMBLING]

Oh, uh-oh.

We're moving. Oh, really?

Thank you for sharing that
intimate detail about your life.

Jake. I know, we're screwed.

I was being a bitch again!

PERALTA: All right, I called for backup.

I also texted all of my friends.

You'll notice your phone didn't buzz.

I think we're in Red Hook.
We're not on the BQE anymore.

Nice try, Rosa.

Don't try to kiss up to me by mentioning

my third-favorite New York expressway.

Shut up! We pulled into a parking lot.

Things are about to go down.

Backup won't make it here in time.
It's just me and you.

I heard two voices in the truck.

There'll be more if there's a meet-up.

Go word is "Glurg." Copy that.

Flergen! Come on, is that you?

I haven't seen you since
Blorgenbergen, man!

Who the hell are you?

Give me a hand, you old dummy.

It's me, Glurg.

NYPD! Drop it!
Drop it, you're under arrest.

I hope they have
saunas in Swedish prison.

They do, actually.
They're quite nice. Oh.

Kevin, there's something
we'd like to show you.

Ta-da!

KEVIN: Ah, magnifique.

The treble is ours.

I look forward to getting
number four next year.

Actually, we've been banned
for life from all future tournaments.

Oh, no. What happened?

My fault, Kevin.

I snapped the second-place trophy

over my knee and threw it in a urinal.

Oh, my. Yeah.

But the important thing is, we had fun.

Yeah.

So, we'll be taking the jewels
back to Sweden tomorrow.

Yeah. Guess you were wrong about us, huh?
Bet you feel pretty stupid.

Actually, when you're wrong, that
means you've learned something.

And any opportunity for learning is good.

Ugh. You are the absolute worst.

I hope you die in a fjord.

No, no, we are trying to say we
are happy to have worked with you.

Yeah, I know.
That is an infuriating attitude.

Yeah, I second the fjord thing.
[CHUCKLES]

[SPEAKING SWEDISH]

Bye, Jake. Bye, Rosie.

It's just how they walk around, I guess.

Get your hands off each other, weirdos.
God.

Well, nice job today.

I guess we didn't have to know
each other to have each other's backs.

So, drink in silence?

This sucks.

We solved the case and
told the Swedes how to die.

I should be happy, but I
can tell you're bummed,

and that's not cool
'cause we are friends.

Really? Yes.

And I thought of what you should do

with Amy for your anniversary.

Oh, thank God. I got her a boogie board.

It has an iguana playing electric
guitar on it. She's gonna hate it.

The New York Public Library
lets VIPs stay there overnight.

Ooh, that's perfect.
But wait, how do I become a library VIP?

I forgot to return Superfudge
in the fourth grade,

and I've been scared
to go back ever since.

Don't worry about it. I can hook you up.

[INHALES]

My new boyfriend works there.

[GASPS] You shared! What's his name?

No, wait. I don't want to push too hard.

No, it's cool.

I want to tell you his name.

Oh, okay, just gonna
take a quick drink break.

Here comes the name.

Nope. Uno más.

All righty. Good Lord!

Putting 'em away.

I have to imagine these
belong to someone else.

It's fine. Yeah.

It's Tom. [GASPS] I love it!