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www.tvsubtitles.net
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Good evening, everybody.
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You know, sometimes police
officers are called upon
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To restrain activities of
which they personally approve.
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At such times,
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Stern duty must be our master.
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Because above all, the
police must obey orders.
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Even if some orders, as we shall see,
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Are like the instructions for the timer
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Of an eight-day video recorder...
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Extremely difficult to follow.
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( theme music playing )
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( door bangs )
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( sighs heavily )
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Well, I'm off then.
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I said, I'm off then!
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I said...
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I'm off then.
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Patricia, you are demeaning
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The good name of Gasforth police force.
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I don't give a donkey's doo-dah
for the Gasforth police force.
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You do give a donkey's doo-dah.
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I don't give a donkey's
doo-dah, and I'm going!
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Patricia, I forbid you to go.
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Please, Raymond, don't forbid me.
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I'm a bit late and I
just haven't got time
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To roll around on the floor
laughing till I'm physically sick.
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- But you are a policewoman.
- No, I'm not.
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I'm an anarchist. For
the next two weeks,
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I am a crazy, wild-eyed
child of the forest.
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I am dedicating
my life-
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Your holiday.
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My holiday to the
traveling road protesters
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Known as the dongas.
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And my name is not Patricia,
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It's Squirrel.
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- Squirrel Baggins.
- Heavens and horlicks, Patricia.
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Gasforth needs a bypass.
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And you won't stop it by
frolicking about in the woods
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Calling yourself troll or gonk
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Or nutkin the sweet
little tree-dwelling imp.
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We do not inherit the
earth from our parents,
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We borrow it from our children.
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We don't have any children.
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Yes, I'm aware of that.
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But the fact that you
are a one-bonk-a-year man
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Does not relieve me of my responsibility
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To preserve the environment
for future generations.
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Well done.
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Carry on, carry on.
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Now as I'm sure you're all aware,
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The whole town is agog with
talk of this new bypass.
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From road rage to road protest,
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Anything to do with cars seems
to provoke people's passions
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In a quite extraordinary manner.
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I'll find him, I swear I'll find him.
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I've seen some criminal
swine in my years as a copper,
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I have witnessed some
vile and horrendous deeds,
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00:03:03,303 --> 00:03:07,205
But this- this has
left me sad and sickened.
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Good heavens, Grim,
what on earth happened?
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Some maniac has dinged my car.
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Not the Nissan micra with the
go-faster kleenexes on the back shelf?
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Yes, yes!
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I think he scratched the paint.
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I can't tell till I get a magnifying
glass out and have a proper look.
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00:03:27,828 --> 00:03:30,629
But we were both
pulling up at the lights,
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And the vile, despicable criminal
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Scraped along my side.
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00:03:36,035 --> 00:03:38,136
Perhaps you were in his lane.
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Perhaps you scraped him.
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What did you say?
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Well, I was just-
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I am a superb driver.
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Did you get his number?
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00:03:53,887 --> 00:03:56,922
How could I? I was retuning
the radio when it happened.
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00:03:58,625 --> 00:04:00,125
I'll tell you though,
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If I hadn't had a cup of
coffee in the other hand,
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00:04:02,328 --> 00:04:04,597
I'd have given chase.
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00:04:04,598 --> 00:04:06,732
There's security cameras all over town,
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00:04:06,733 --> 00:04:10,068
- Perhaps your dinger's been caught on video.
- Well done, Boyle!
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Requisition all tapes countywide.
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So as I was saying,
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Roads and cars are areas
where passions run deep.
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And there can be no deeper passions
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Than amongst the environmentalists
of the donga tribe.
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00:04:24,283 --> 00:04:27,452
Sergeant Dawkins has joined
them for her holiday, hasn't she?
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I think it's great.
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Yes, me too.
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I wonder if she's had
her nipples pierced yet?
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00:04:35,595 --> 00:04:37,530
Be quiet, Goody!
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It's not compulsory, is it?
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00:04:42,368 --> 00:04:44,436
- Oh no, no.
- Okay.
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It's just when they're cavorting
naked in a haze of marijuana,
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It gives them somewhere
to hang their keys.
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Yes, well...
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Nipples aside-
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I mean, nip and- I
nip- ( stammering )
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00:05:00,754 --> 00:05:02,354
I don't know what I mean, actually.
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00:05:02,355 --> 00:05:03,889
Where were we?
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Preparing to police the
destruction of the planet, sir.
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Ah yes- really,
constable!
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00:05:08,929 --> 00:05:11,030
I do tire of this leftist hectoring.
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Have you read the police code
of common purpose recently?
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Of course, sir. Every
day, can't put it down.
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Then you'll be aware that it says
that our job is to enforce the law,
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Not to enforce the law if we
happen to think it's a nice one.
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These environmentalists may
have admirable intentions,
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00:05:28,648 --> 00:05:30,950
But being decent and fair and honest
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Doesn't necessarily make
a person right, Habib.
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If it did, Rolf Harris
would be prime minister.
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Now, in order to prepare ourselves
for the tactics of these dongas,
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I intend to employ a
role-playing technique.
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We will create a scenario
and act out the parts.
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( gasps ) acting, how exciting!
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Does that mean I can call you "darling"?
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Only if you wish to spend
the rest of your career
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Putting out traffic
cones on the M25, laddie.
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00:06:04,117 --> 00:06:06,952
Now then, since you seem
so eager to act, Goody,
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We are going to role-play
a protestor tied to a tree.
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Goody, you take that part.
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Thank you, sir. I am
brilliant at acting.
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- What are you doing, Goody?
- I'm doing what you told me, I'm being the tree.
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I meant be the protestor.
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Besides which, you don't
look a bit like a tree.
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I thought you said you could act.
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You look like a plank.
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Where's your willowy bendiness?
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I want to be able to picture
your gnarled old trunk.
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00:06:39,319 --> 00:06:42,121
I beg your pardon, sir!
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00:06:42,122 --> 00:06:44,556
I can do an impression
of a plum tree, sir,
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But it means taking my trousers off.
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No, Gladstone.
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No, Gladstone, thank you.
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I will be the tree. I will be the tree.
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00:06:53,833 --> 00:06:57,903
Now, I've just got to get my focus,
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And...
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Are you doing it now, sir?
138
00:07:05,878 --> 00:07:09,081
- Yes, of course I'm doing it now, Habib.
- You look like a moose.
139
00:07:09,082 --> 00:07:12,084
Well, I feel like a tree.
140
00:07:12,085 --> 00:07:14,987
- Well, it's very interesting, sir.
- Thank you, Habib.
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00:07:14,988 --> 00:07:17,756
A talking tree, you
don't get many of them.
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Cleverness is unattractive
in a police officer, Habib.
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I've got an idea, sir.
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Why don't you hold my apple?
145
00:07:26,266 --> 00:07:28,267
My mom gives me one every day
146
00:07:28,268 --> 00:07:30,535
But I never eat it
because I prefer sweets.
147
00:07:30,536 --> 00:07:32,972
Thank you. If you think it'll work.
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00:07:32,973 --> 00:07:36,041
How about stuffing my pot plant
149
00:07:36,042 --> 00:07:38,277
In your jacket, sir?
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00:07:38,278 --> 00:07:41,113
Ah, good. Give you a bit of foliage.
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00:07:41,114 --> 00:07:43,482
Yes, perhaps. Thank you, Gladstone.
152
00:07:43,483 --> 00:07:46,618
I was accrington brownies'
origami champion, sir.
153
00:07:46,619 --> 00:07:49,021
Look, a swallow!
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00:07:49,022 --> 00:07:51,290
Ah, good. Excellent, excellent.
155
00:07:51,291 --> 00:07:55,294
There you go, tweet, tweet.
156
00:07:55,295 --> 00:07:58,763
Role-playing is the key to modern
training and props are important.
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00:07:58,764 --> 00:08:01,367
So, I am now a totally convincing tree.
158
00:08:01,368 --> 00:08:04,603
Totally, sir. If I was
a dog, I'd lift my leg.
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00:08:04,604 --> 00:08:07,106
Yes, thank you, Habib. Thank you.
160
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Now, Goody, you be an angry protestor.
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I won't! I don't want to.
I hate you, I hate you!
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00:08:14,680 --> 00:08:18,017
Goody, I didn't mean
protest about just anything.
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00:08:18,018 --> 00:08:20,252
- Oh, okay.
- Now, get hold of that rope
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00:08:20,253 --> 00:08:22,488
And pretend to tie yourself to me.
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00:08:22,489 --> 00:08:25,257
And remember you are an
environmental protestor.
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- Yes, yes.
- Come on.
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00:08:29,262 --> 00:08:31,930
My womb is the earth...
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00:08:33,166 --> 00:08:35,800
My breast milk its rivers.
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00:08:35,801 --> 00:08:39,338
I am the she-goddess lesbos!
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00:08:39,339 --> 00:08:42,607
Goody, what in satan's sausage
sandwich are you saying?
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I am being a protestor, sir.
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00:08:45,678 --> 00:08:48,847
When I was a cadet, we
policed a no-nuke demo
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00:08:48,848 --> 00:08:51,716
And a gang of women sang
that at us for 15 hours.
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00:08:51,717 --> 00:08:53,952
We're not gonna sing it
here. Get back to your desk.
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00:08:53,953 --> 00:08:57,156
Shall I pretend to untie the
pretend knot I just pretended to tie?
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- Just go.
- I was just trying to make it more real.
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00:09:01,994 --> 00:09:05,264
- My arms are aching. - Idea, sir-
pretend it's autumn, drop the apple.
178
00:09:07,800 --> 00:09:11,736
For heaven's sake, we are about to
police a serious public disorder.
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00:09:11,737 --> 00:09:16,175
I have created a brilliant evocation
of a mighty and towering oak tree-
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- Apple tree. - A mighty
and towering apple tree-
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00:09:18,978 --> 00:09:22,481
- With one apple.
- I've had a heavy windfall.
182
00:09:23,483 --> 00:09:25,016
I'm sorry, sir.
183
00:09:25,017 --> 00:09:26,952
It's just more common for the protestors
184
00:09:26,953 --> 00:09:28,954
To remain up the tree
in their dwellings.
185
00:09:28,955 --> 00:09:31,390
Really, Kevin should be
nestling in your foliage.
186
00:09:32,925 --> 00:09:35,227
Perhaps if he was to
sit on your shoulders,
187
00:09:35,228 --> 00:09:37,362
Then Frank and I can
try and get him down.
188
00:09:37,363 --> 00:09:39,764
Hmmm, yes, you may
be right there, Habib.
189
00:09:39,765 --> 00:09:42,734
Certainly worth a try. Constable
Goody, get up on my desk please.
190
00:09:42,735 --> 00:09:45,604
- Yes, yes.
- Feet apart, come on.
191
00:09:45,605 --> 00:09:48,240
Yes, can't constable Habib do this?
192
00:09:48,241 --> 00:09:50,709
I'm not sticking my
head in there, Kevin.
193
00:09:50,710 --> 00:09:54,113
- No, you get your leg over inspector Fowler.
- Goody!
194
00:09:54,114 --> 00:09:57,483
Constable Habib is a
woman of the opposite sex.
195
00:09:57,484 --> 00:10:01,052
If I'm going to get between anybody's
legs, it's going to be a man's.
196
00:10:02,489 --> 00:10:05,124
Come on, boy. Spread your haunches.
197
00:10:05,125 --> 00:10:08,393
Okay. Don't bend my Curly Wurly, please.
198
00:10:10,230 --> 00:10:11,930
- Oh, oh, oh!
- Good.
199
00:10:11,931 --> 00:10:14,666
- Mind out for my love blobs.
- Oh, be quiet, Goody!
200
00:10:14,667 --> 00:10:17,569
Be quiet. Now, Goody is the protestor,
201
00:10:17,570 --> 00:10:19,571
I am the tree,
202
00:10:19,572 --> 00:10:23,275
Habib and Gladstone, how are you,
the police, going to get him down?
203
00:10:23,276 --> 00:10:25,544
I'll come down, I'll come down!
204
00:10:25,545 --> 00:10:28,280
When our next door neighbor
cat gets stranded in a tree,
205
00:10:28,281 --> 00:10:31,450
The old man always put a
saucer of milk at the bottom
206
00:10:31,451 --> 00:10:33,352
To tempt it down.
207
00:10:33,353 --> 00:10:35,854
I see. And you think the
same technique might work
208
00:10:35,855 --> 00:10:38,089
With committed environmental activists?
209
00:10:38,090 --> 00:10:40,559
Well, maybe if we add some biscuits?
210
00:10:40,560 --> 00:10:43,128
- I could make some fudge.
- You're going quite bald-
211
00:10:43,129 --> 00:10:45,330
Really, this is quite
absurd! None of you are able
212
00:10:45,331 --> 00:10:48,300
To respond at all to the simplest
of role-playing techniques.
213
00:10:48,301 --> 00:10:50,402
I'm going to put you
back on your desk, Goody.
214
00:10:50,403 --> 00:10:51,970
Okay, mind my gonks.
215
00:10:51,971 --> 00:10:53,772
I can't keep you up all day.
216
00:10:53,773 --> 00:10:56,908
Actually, you know the feeling of
someone's ears on your inner thighs
217
00:10:56,909 --> 00:10:58,410
Isn't entirely unpleasant.
218
00:11:01,347 --> 00:11:03,081
So that's the trick then, is it, sir?
219
00:11:03,082 --> 00:11:05,116
Just wait around till
the tree gets tired?
220
00:11:05,117 --> 00:11:07,886
Smarty pants gets no thanks, Habib.
221
00:11:07,887 --> 00:11:11,089
Clever clogs get scragged in the bogs.
222
00:11:12,492 --> 00:11:13,692
We learnt in training
223
00:11:13,693 --> 00:11:16,295
That the only way to get
these tree-dwellers down
224
00:11:16,296 --> 00:11:17,829
Is to attach a locked line to them
225
00:11:17,830 --> 00:11:19,431
And gently tease them down.
226
00:11:19,432 --> 00:11:22,467
Right. In that case, I will
be the tree-dweller this time.
227
00:11:22,468 --> 00:11:24,669
Gladstone, will you kindly be a tree?
228
00:11:24,670 --> 00:11:27,472
- Oh yes, sir.
- Not your plum tree!
229
00:11:27,473 --> 00:11:31,043
Not your plum tree! Just
come here and hoist me up.
230
00:11:31,044 --> 00:11:33,078
- Oh, okay, sir.
- Come along, come along.
231
00:11:33,079 --> 00:11:35,847
Now, somebody get hold
of one end of the rope.
232
00:11:35,848 --> 00:11:39,217
Hand it up to me. Thank you. Goody,
you get hold of the other end.
233
00:11:39,218 --> 00:11:42,020
- Yes, yes.
- Now, pull it,
234
00:11:42,021 --> 00:11:44,622
And gently tease me.
235
00:11:47,993 --> 00:11:50,828
- Excuse me?
- I can't stay up here all day, laddie!
236
00:11:50,829 --> 00:11:54,232
I've got a large constable between
my legs. Tease me, tease me!
237
00:11:54,233 --> 00:11:56,234
All right, okay. Umm...
238
00:11:56,235 --> 00:11:59,438
Okay, what's the difference
between inspector Fowler
239
00:11:59,439 --> 00:12:01,506
- And the canteen cabbage?
- What?
240
00:12:01,507 --> 00:12:03,508
The cabbage once had
a bit of life in it.
241
00:12:03,509 --> 00:12:06,378
( laughing )
242
00:12:06,379 --> 00:12:08,813
I'm afraid I can't take
credit for that one, sir.
243
00:12:08,814 --> 00:12:11,149
- It was constable Habib's.
- Thanks a lot, Kevin!
244
00:12:11,150 --> 00:12:13,151
- Goody!
- Here's one Gary Boyle made up.
245
00:12:13,152 --> 00:12:15,253
- No, I didn't.
- What's the difference
246
00:12:15,254 --> 00:12:17,522
Between the manager of
Barclays having a fight
247
00:12:17,523 --> 00:12:19,724
And inspector Fowler
having a conversation?
248
00:12:19,725 --> 00:12:22,060
One's a warring banker,
249
00:12:22,061 --> 00:12:24,362
- The other one's a boring-
- right, let me down!
250
00:12:24,363 --> 00:12:26,298
- Let me down!
- ( cackling )
251
00:12:26,299 --> 00:12:28,066
It worked, he's coming down!
252
00:12:29,735 --> 00:12:32,670
Goody, I meant tease
as in "pull the rope"!
253
00:12:32,671 --> 00:12:36,074
Not tease as in "run a very
serious risk of being charged."
254
00:12:36,075 --> 00:12:39,744
Honestly, I've done my best for you lot.
255
00:12:39,745 --> 00:12:43,014
You began this briefing
totally and utterly unprepared,
256
00:12:43,015 --> 00:12:44,649
And you complete it
257
00:12:44,650 --> 00:12:46,818
Slightly less prepared than that.
258
00:12:47,820 --> 00:12:49,554
Dismissed.
259
00:12:49,555 --> 00:12:52,457
Tools of the road lobby,
that's what we are.
260
00:12:52,458 --> 00:12:55,093
Don't be so soft. We need this bypass.
261
00:12:55,094 --> 00:12:58,029
Blimey, if I weren't a copper and
allowed to park on the pavement
262
00:12:58,030 --> 00:13:01,233
And drive up one-way streets, I
don't think I'd bother owning a car.
263
00:13:01,234 --> 00:13:03,235
The way to reduce traffic
264
00:13:03,236 --> 00:13:05,103
Is to get people to share their cars.
265
00:13:05,104 --> 00:13:07,539
I'm not sharing my car with anyone,
266
00:13:07,540 --> 00:13:10,074
Especially veggie environmentalists.
267
00:13:10,075 --> 00:13:12,210
I don't want some bean-eating greenie
268
00:13:12,211 --> 00:13:14,078
Blowing off into my leatherette.
269
00:13:20,653 --> 00:13:23,021
What are you lurking about for, Kevin?
270
00:13:23,022 --> 00:13:25,490
- Oh, nothing.
- Well, get on the bus then.
271
00:13:25,491 --> 00:13:27,425
Well, actually,
272
00:13:27,426 --> 00:13:30,895
I've got something under my jacket
that I'd quite like to show you.
273
00:13:30,896 --> 00:13:33,632
But I think I'll wait until
the swelling goes down.
274
00:13:33,633 --> 00:13:37,469
- I should speak to your mother!
- God no! Don't, she'd kill me!
275
00:13:37,470 --> 00:13:39,937
You see, the thing is...
276
00:13:39,938 --> 00:13:42,106
I've got a new belly button.
277
00:13:42,107 --> 00:13:45,310
- A new belly button?
- As good as.
278
00:13:46,312 --> 00:13:48,413
I've had it pierced.
279
00:13:49,915 --> 00:13:51,883
- No!
- Yes!
280
00:13:51,884 --> 00:13:54,852
I was very influenced
by these road protestors.
281
00:13:54,853 --> 00:13:57,722
See, no more mr. nice guy, no, no.
282
00:13:57,723 --> 00:14:00,858
I'm young, I'm virile,
283
00:14:00,859 --> 00:14:04,296
And I've got a bright red
swollen belly button to prove it.
284
00:14:04,297 --> 00:14:06,464
- Didn't it hurt?
- Well, yes,
285
00:14:06,465 --> 00:14:09,734
I did feel a bit of a prick.
286
00:14:09,735 --> 00:14:13,505
But it will be worth it if
you're so impressed with it
287
00:14:13,506 --> 00:14:15,607
That you drag me back to your place
288
00:14:15,608 --> 00:14:18,810
And you give me a right
flipping seeing to.
289
00:14:18,811 --> 00:14:22,214
Kevin, you could staple your
belly button to a double-decker bus
290
00:14:22,215 --> 00:14:24,416
And I still wouldn't
give you a seeing to.
291
00:14:24,417 --> 00:14:26,384
So you'll think about it then?
292
00:14:26,385 --> 00:14:28,152
Look, Kevin,
293
00:14:28,153 --> 00:14:30,455
You really should forget about me.
294
00:14:30,456 --> 00:14:32,824
There's lots of nice
girls out there, you know?
295
00:14:32,825 --> 00:14:35,193
Good-looking bloke like you,
296
00:14:35,194 --> 00:14:37,662
Swollen belly button,
297
00:14:37,663 --> 00:14:40,098
You could take your pick.
298
00:14:43,469 --> 00:14:46,738
Get out there, lean on people,
299
00:14:46,739 --> 00:14:50,041
Call in favors, bend
the rules if necessary.
300
00:14:50,042 --> 00:14:52,276
And watch yourselves.
301
00:14:52,277 --> 00:14:54,879
What we had hoped was a simple ding
302
00:14:54,880 --> 00:14:57,281
Has now been confirmed as a scratch.
303
00:14:58,718 --> 00:15:01,252
We are dealing with a scratcher.
304
00:15:01,253 --> 00:15:05,890
A vicious, immoral, imbalanced maniac.
305
00:15:05,891 --> 00:15:07,826
Inspector Grim, can
I have a word, please?
306
00:15:07,827 --> 00:15:10,261
- Be quick, don't fanny about.
- Of course.
307
00:15:10,262 --> 00:15:13,297
I have no time for
fannying, about or otherwise.
308
00:15:13,298 --> 00:15:16,968
Fanny about on someone else's time,
not mine, 'cause I haven't got any.
309
00:15:16,969 --> 00:15:21,572
Find someone who's got time to fanny
about, and fanny about with them.
310
00:15:21,573 --> 00:15:25,010
I haven't, mate, so fannying
about with me is out.
311
00:15:25,011 --> 00:15:29,180
Look, Derek, you're clearly late for
your lobotomy. I'll come back later.
312
00:15:29,181 --> 00:15:32,984
Very funny, Raymond, tres drolly.
313
00:15:32,985 --> 00:15:35,654
Listen, I've had a letter
from the chief constable
314
00:15:35,655 --> 00:15:39,124
Warning us of an MI5 undercover
operation in this area.
315
00:15:39,125 --> 00:15:42,326
Apparently they're infiltrating
these road protestors.
316
00:15:42,327 --> 00:15:46,497
Hardly James Bond is it? From
dinner jackets and kalashnikovs,
317
00:15:46,498 --> 00:15:50,434
To anoraks and jam
jars full of cold urine.
318
00:15:50,435 --> 00:15:53,304
I haven't got time, Raymond.
319
00:15:53,305 --> 00:15:56,607
I am involved in serious police work.
320
00:15:56,608 --> 00:15:59,610
If you get in the way, I'm responsible.
321
00:15:59,611 --> 00:16:03,314
Your cock up, my ass.
322
00:16:05,084 --> 00:16:08,219
Oh, I'm sorry, Grim, I
thought you might be interested
323
00:16:08,220 --> 00:16:11,656
In the fact that parliament is
allowing the authority of the police
324
00:16:11,657 --> 00:16:15,426
To be usurped by secret and
unaccountable organizations.
325
00:16:15,427 --> 00:16:18,763
You're not listening to me, Fowler.
326
00:16:18,764 --> 00:16:23,401
Let me spell it out.
Someone has dinged my motor!
327
00:16:23,402 --> 00:16:26,671
Inspector Grim, kindly keep your
personal emotions under control.
328
00:16:26,672 --> 00:16:30,341
"my personal emotions"? Oh my.
329
00:16:30,342 --> 00:16:33,044
I'm not the one whose bird
would rather spend the night
330
00:16:33,045 --> 00:16:35,580
With a bunch of
flea-bitten criminal hippies
331
00:16:35,581 --> 00:16:37,348
Than sleep with her bloke.
332
00:16:37,349 --> 00:16:40,384
If you're referring to sergeant Dawkins,
333
00:16:40,385 --> 00:16:42,486
She is not sleeping with me
334
00:16:42,487 --> 00:16:45,423
In order to preserve the planet!
335
00:16:45,424 --> 00:16:47,025
Blimey!
336
00:16:47,026 --> 00:16:48,993
She must be desperate
337
00:16:48,994 --> 00:16:52,330
To come up with an excuse like that.
338
00:16:52,331 --> 00:16:54,766
My Tina just says she's got a headache.
339
00:16:57,169 --> 00:16:59,871
Man: Come here! Come here, you!
340
00:16:59,872 --> 00:17:03,108
- All going well, inspector?
- I don't know, I haven't found her yet.
341
00:17:03,109 --> 00:17:06,044
Woman: ♪ you can't kill the spirit ♪
342
00:17:06,045 --> 00:17:08,679
♪ she goes on and on and on ♪
343
00:17:08,680 --> 00:17:11,082
♪ you can't kill
the spirit- ♪
344
00:17:11,083 --> 00:17:13,284
All right, miss, move
along now, move along.
345
00:17:13,285 --> 00:17:15,987
How can I move along, pig?
346
00:17:15,988 --> 00:17:18,156
Yes, of course,
347
00:17:18,157 --> 00:17:20,759
Hello, mr. Thickie.
348
00:17:21,994 --> 00:17:25,830
Unhand this tree, you eco-nazis!
349
00:17:25,831 --> 00:17:29,367
Excuse me. Stop, stop! I'll handle this.
350
00:17:29,368 --> 00:17:31,903
My name's Elf.
351
00:17:31,904 --> 00:17:35,273
Elf, it's a beautiful name.
352
00:17:35,274 --> 00:17:37,441
My name's Kevin.
353
00:17:37,442 --> 00:17:40,478
Patricia, come down this instant.
354
00:17:40,479 --> 00:17:43,047
I will not. The earth needs me.
355
00:17:44,283 --> 00:17:46,384
Why are you doing this, Kevin?
356
00:17:46,385 --> 00:17:49,420
Did you join the police
to fight for justice
357
00:17:49,421 --> 00:17:51,890
Or to strut about in a nice uniform?
358
00:17:51,891 --> 00:17:53,758
It was a bit of both really.
359
00:17:53,759 --> 00:17:56,828
Then join us, Kevin,
chain yourself to me.
360
00:17:56,829 --> 00:17:59,931
Help me protect our children.
361
00:17:59,932 --> 00:18:02,801
You're making an absolute
fool of yourself, Patricia.
362
00:18:02,802 --> 00:18:05,003
My name is Squirrel Baggins.
363
00:18:05,004 --> 00:18:09,107
Giving an alias to the police
is an extremely serious matter.
364
00:18:09,108 --> 00:18:12,177
It is not a criminal offense
to take an assumed name.
365
00:18:12,178 --> 00:18:14,913
It is if it's Squirrel Baggins.
366
00:18:16,081 --> 00:18:19,284
♪ you can't kill the spirit ♪
367
00:18:19,285 --> 00:18:21,752
♪ she's like a mountain... ♪
368
00:18:23,655 --> 00:18:25,123
Now...
369
00:18:25,124 --> 00:18:27,225
I'm going to attach
this rope to you-
370
00:18:27,226 --> 00:18:29,828
Get back, get back, you fascist!
371
00:18:29,829 --> 00:18:32,030
- Ow!
- Patricia, are you all right?
372
00:18:32,031 --> 00:18:35,266
Police brutality! Police brutality!
373
00:18:35,267 --> 00:18:37,001
Man: Hey!
374
00:18:38,704 --> 00:18:40,471
Stand back, pig!
375
00:18:40,472 --> 00:18:43,141
Aren't there any burglars
and muggers out there?
376
00:18:43,142 --> 00:18:45,509
Or does the public pay
you to defend it from
377
00:18:45,510 --> 00:18:48,746
Beautiful, wounded woodland nymphs?
378
00:18:48,747 --> 00:18:49,948
Gosh.
379
00:18:52,952 --> 00:18:53,985
( grunts )
380
00:18:55,420 --> 00:18:57,421
- Ha!
- Whoa!
381
00:19:00,559 --> 00:19:03,061
Let me down! Let me down at once!
382
00:19:03,062 --> 00:19:05,830
If you don't, you will leave
me no choice but to arrest you.
383
00:19:07,432 --> 00:19:09,600
Right, that's it. You are under arrest.
384
00:19:09,601 --> 00:19:11,135
Come along with me.
385
00:19:14,406 --> 00:19:16,841
♪ she goes on and
on and on and- ♪
386
00:19:16,842 --> 00:19:18,709
Kevin!
387
00:19:18,710 --> 00:19:21,913
- What do you think you're doing?
- My name's not Kevin.
388
00:19:21,914 --> 00:19:23,781
It's Pixie.
389
00:19:23,782 --> 00:19:25,850
And I'm protecting the planet.
390
00:19:26,886 --> 00:19:28,753
And I think I might be on here.
391
00:19:29,922 --> 00:19:32,290
Dereliction of duty
is an offense, Pixie,
392
00:19:32,291 --> 00:19:34,893
Even in the magic forest.
393
00:19:34,894 --> 00:19:39,264
I thought you lot were supposed to be
against the exploitation of dumb creatures.
394
00:19:39,265 --> 00:19:40,865
Mmm, yes, you.
395
00:19:42,001 --> 00:19:44,302
I don't even know your name.
396
00:19:44,303 --> 00:19:47,305
That's right, Patricia, get
the swine's name. Well done.
397
00:19:47,306 --> 00:19:51,109
What are names? I'm known by my deeds.
398
00:19:51,110 --> 00:19:53,044
I'm the green avenger,
399
00:19:53,045 --> 00:19:55,714
The one the bypass builders fear most.
400
00:19:55,715 --> 00:19:58,483
They'll have to build a bypass
just to get round his head.
401
00:19:58,484 --> 00:20:01,352
Most people call me...
402
00:20:01,353 --> 00:20:03,688
Stallion.
403
00:20:03,689 --> 00:20:06,157
My name is Squirrel Baggins.
404
00:20:06,158 --> 00:20:08,593
- Squirrel?
- Yes, Stallion?
405
00:20:08,594 --> 00:20:11,663
I came here to protect
things of great beauty,
406
00:20:11,664 --> 00:20:15,333
But I never dreamed I would end
up protecting something as...
407
00:20:15,334 --> 00:20:19,070
- Beautiful as you.
- Oh, please!
408
00:20:19,071 --> 00:20:22,007
I have a woodland hideaway
perfect for a squirrel.
409
00:20:22,008 --> 00:20:24,542
You can rest and perhaps
nibble on my nuts.
410
00:20:24,543 --> 00:20:26,811
( gasps )
411
00:20:26,812 --> 00:20:27,912
( grunts )
412
00:20:30,116 --> 00:20:32,283
- ( Stallion grunts )
- ( Patricia squeals )
413
00:20:32,284 --> 00:20:35,120
Ours is not to reason why, Habib,
414
00:20:35,121 --> 00:20:38,890
Ours is but to do and, um...
415
00:20:38,891 --> 00:20:41,059
Get suspended from a tree by the dongas?
416
00:20:43,029 --> 00:20:46,230
Well, you've all done very well today
417
00:20:46,231 --> 00:20:49,067
And acted with great restraint.
418
00:20:49,068 --> 00:20:50,769
What we must remember
419
00:20:50,770 --> 00:20:53,404
Is that these people
are deeply frustrated.
420
00:20:53,405 --> 00:20:55,073
Yes, I know how they feel.
421
00:20:56,408 --> 00:20:58,643
Some crusty called me a fascist.
422
00:20:58,644 --> 00:21:00,779
Me! I said, "listen mate,
423
00:21:00,780 --> 00:21:03,682
I've had skinheads shove dog
doo through my letterbox."
424
00:21:03,683 --> 00:21:05,550
Well said, constable.
425
00:21:05,551 --> 00:21:07,952
And did he slink away suitably cowed?
426
00:21:07,953 --> 00:21:10,454
No. He said he hadn't
called me a racist,
427
00:21:10,455 --> 00:21:12,090
He'd called me a fascist,
428
00:21:12,091 --> 00:21:15,359
Which is an authoritarian opposed
to democracy and liberalism.
429
00:21:15,360 --> 00:21:16,895
Ah, and what did you say to that?
430
00:21:16,896 --> 00:21:19,263
Well, I was a bit
stumped, quite frankly.
431
00:21:19,264 --> 00:21:21,566
So I said, "shut your
mouth, you pompous git!"
432
00:21:21,567 --> 00:21:23,634
And I nicked him.
433
00:21:23,635 --> 00:21:26,204
Ah, those years at Accrington school
434
00:21:26,205 --> 00:21:29,074
Debating society not
entirely wasted then.
435
00:21:29,075 --> 00:21:33,078
I remember skinheads putting
dog doo through our letterbox.
436
00:21:33,079 --> 00:21:35,980
One day I heard it
happening, so I open my window
437
00:21:35,981 --> 00:21:38,683
And I empty a full baby's potty on him.
438
00:21:38,684 --> 00:21:41,086
- Did he ever come back again?
- He had to.
439
00:21:41,087 --> 00:21:42,286
It was the postman.
440
00:21:43,622 --> 00:21:45,824
( scoffs ) what a world, eh?
441
00:21:47,292 --> 00:21:50,962
Sometimes I wish I could just
go and live somewhere on Radio 4.
442
00:21:52,464 --> 00:21:56,234
Oh well, I'll be wending
my sad, lonely, weary way.
443
00:21:57,737 --> 00:21:59,704
Dismissed.
444
00:21:59,705 --> 00:22:02,040
Good night, everyone.
445
00:22:05,644 --> 00:22:09,313
I think you should be very
proud of sergeant Dawkins, sir.
446
00:22:09,314 --> 00:22:12,050
She's standing up for what she believes,
447
00:22:12,051 --> 00:22:14,753
Suffering discomfort and cold.
448
00:22:14,754 --> 00:22:17,521
It'll be horrible out
there in the woods tonight.
449
00:22:17,522 --> 00:22:20,391
Yes, that's true, isn't it?
450
00:22:20,392 --> 00:22:22,360
Thank you, Habib,
451
00:22:22,361 --> 00:22:24,729
You've made me see things differently.
452
00:22:24,730 --> 00:22:28,933
A night or two shivering in a forest
and she'll soon come running back.
453
00:22:31,103 --> 00:22:34,773
Well, I'm going home for
a nice cup of horlicks.
454
00:22:36,108 --> 00:22:38,243
I rather doubt Patricia'll get
455
00:22:38,244 --> 00:22:40,812
Anything warm and satisfying
inside her tonight.
456
00:22:44,049 --> 00:22:47,285
Oh- ( panting )
what am I doing?
457
00:22:47,286 --> 00:22:49,687
This is terrible.
458
00:22:49,688 --> 00:22:51,689
Squirrel...
459
00:22:51,690 --> 00:22:54,159
We're wood folk,
460
00:22:54,160 --> 00:22:57,695
Free spirits. We aren't
chained by society.
461
00:22:57,696 --> 00:23:01,399
We reject their roads and
we reject their conventions.
462
00:23:01,400 --> 00:23:04,735
They can't make us small
and guilty like them.
463
00:23:04,736 --> 00:23:08,439
That's a sort of nice way of
asking for a bonk, isn't it?
464
00:23:10,342 --> 00:23:13,477
Squirrel, I am nature-
465
00:23:13,478 --> 00:23:17,282
A savage, an earth creature. Are you?
466
00:23:17,283 --> 00:23:20,218
Well, I am a member
of the national trust.
467
00:23:20,219 --> 00:23:23,121
Then act like a member
of the national trust.
468
00:23:23,122 --> 00:23:27,826
Provide me with unhindered
access to your areas
469
00:23:27,827 --> 00:23:30,161
Of outstanding natural beauty.
470
00:23:31,263 --> 00:23:33,198
( thunder crashes )
471
00:23:33,199 --> 00:23:35,200
Patricia!
472
00:23:35,201 --> 00:23:37,135
Come on, squirrel.
473
00:23:37,136 --> 00:23:40,404
You've been avoiding earth
moving equipment all day.
474
00:23:40,405 --> 00:23:42,506
I've got one set of
earth moving equipment
475
00:23:42,507 --> 00:23:44,342
You won't want to protest about.
476
00:23:49,081 --> 00:23:51,850
We must destroy the destroyer!
477
00:23:51,851 --> 00:23:53,184
( cheers )
478
00:23:53,185 --> 00:23:55,386
I'll show you how to make bombs.
479
00:23:55,387 --> 00:23:57,421
We can burn their death machines!
480
00:23:57,422 --> 00:23:58,990
( crowd cheering )
481
00:23:58,991 --> 00:24:02,360
This time, when they come with
their security men and their pigs,
482
00:24:02,361 --> 00:24:04,762
- We'll be ready!
- All: Yeah!
483
00:24:04,763 --> 00:24:07,765
You can't do that, you bloody idiot!
484
00:24:07,766 --> 00:24:09,767
They'll bring in tear-gas,
485
00:24:09,768 --> 00:24:12,603
Riot police! What will you do then?
486
00:24:14,273 --> 00:24:16,640
- I can get guns if you want them.
- ( cheering )
487
00:24:17,910 --> 00:24:21,145
Mr. Stallion, I am a police officer.
488
00:24:21,146 --> 00:24:22,546
( crowd boos, hisses )
489
00:24:22,547 --> 00:24:25,984
And you are under arrest for
incitement to riot and violence.
490
00:24:25,985 --> 00:24:28,353
Dream on, babes.
491
00:24:28,354 --> 00:24:31,222
- No pig'll ever take me.
- ( groans )
492
00:24:31,223 --> 00:24:34,058
- ( crowd cheers )
- Will you follow me?!
493
00:24:34,059 --> 00:24:35,726
All: Yes!
494
00:24:35,727 --> 00:24:38,763
If you do, you'll be following
him to jail, I'm afraid.
495
00:24:38,764 --> 00:24:41,532
- You, sir, are under arrest.
- Ha!
496
00:24:43,802 --> 00:24:46,037
Now be careful. I've been trained.
497
00:24:49,741 --> 00:24:51,809
Thanks. We'll drink it later.
498
00:24:53,112 --> 00:24:54,712
Ha!
499
00:24:55,781 --> 00:24:57,315
All right, then,
500
00:24:57,316 --> 00:24:59,717
Come on. Come on.
501
00:25:08,127 --> 00:25:10,661
( karate yells )
502
00:25:14,166 --> 00:25:17,435
So you finally bonked me,
babes. I knew you would.
503
00:25:22,241 --> 00:25:24,708
I brought your breakfast, Patricia.
504
00:25:26,711 --> 00:25:29,580
He was so wild, so strong.
505
00:25:29,581 --> 00:25:32,717
He cares about the future, and
he'll go to prison for his beliefs.
506
00:25:32,718 --> 00:25:35,153
I fear not, Patricia.
507
00:25:35,154 --> 00:25:38,089
Mr. Stallion is free.
508
00:25:39,224 --> 00:25:41,358
- Thank you, Habib.
- Yes, sir.
509
00:25:42,527 --> 00:25:44,428
On the grounds that he, like us,
510
00:25:44,429 --> 00:25:46,164
Is in the employ of her majesty.
511
00:25:46,165 --> 00:25:47,198
What?!
512
00:25:50,936 --> 00:25:53,337
Carlton, MI5...
513
00:25:53,338 --> 00:25:55,573
Babes.
514
00:25:55,574 --> 00:25:58,242
A secret agent?!
515
00:25:58,243 --> 00:26:00,311
One of britain's elite.
516
00:26:00,312 --> 00:26:02,880
Britain's elite? Ha!
517
00:26:02,881 --> 00:26:05,917
Throughout the cold war,
you were run by the KGB...
518
00:26:05,918 --> 00:26:09,587
As a sort of gay,
sexualist dating agency
519
00:26:09,588 --> 00:26:10,755
For grumpy alcoholics.
520
00:26:12,390 --> 00:26:14,391
Burgess, Maclean, Philby,
521
00:26:14,392 --> 00:26:16,928
Blunt, the fifth man, the sixth man,
522
00:26:16,929 --> 00:26:18,996
The eighth man from the left.
523
00:26:18,997 --> 00:26:21,432
If you told them the time
of the last coach to Croyden
524
00:26:21,433 --> 00:26:23,935
They'd have flogged it to
Moscow for a bottle of scotch
525
00:26:23,936 --> 00:26:26,037
And a copy of "zipper."
526
00:26:26,038 --> 00:26:27,438
Go on, clear off.
527
00:26:27,439 --> 00:26:29,841
No, I want to know what he was doing.
528
00:26:29,842 --> 00:26:32,309
Agent provocateur, babes,
529
00:26:32,310 --> 00:26:34,578
Infiltrate the protestors.
530
00:26:35,580 --> 00:26:37,915
Penetrate them, if possible.
531
00:26:39,684 --> 00:26:41,352
Identify the hotheads
532
00:26:41,353 --> 00:26:43,554
And provoke them into violent action.
533
00:26:43,555 --> 00:26:46,724
- What about people's beliefs?
- Is this chick for real?
534
00:26:46,725 --> 00:26:49,193
You're nothing but an oily little sneak,
535
00:26:49,194 --> 00:26:50,661
And a coward.
536
00:26:50,662 --> 00:26:52,764
My boyfriend Raymond
537
00:26:52,765 --> 00:26:54,932
Is twice the man you'll ever be.
538
00:26:56,701 --> 00:26:58,903
And what's more,
539
00:26:58,904 --> 00:27:00,704
Not having sex with him
540
00:27:00,705 --> 00:27:03,808
Is 10 times nicer than
not having sex with you!
541
00:27:08,380 --> 00:27:10,014
Yes, well...
542
00:27:10,015 --> 00:27:12,316
Least said, soonest mended, perhaps.
543
00:27:13,919 --> 00:27:15,286
Go on, clear off.
544
00:27:15,287 --> 00:27:17,321
Go and listen to somebody's phone calls.
545
00:27:20,492 --> 00:27:22,526
Ha!
546
00:27:28,700 --> 00:27:30,835
- Has he gone?
- Yes.
547
00:27:30,836 --> 00:27:32,870
Shame, I'd like to have met him.
548
00:27:32,871 --> 00:27:36,174
I must say, it's quite a treat,
549
00:27:36,175 --> 00:27:39,443
Having a real live spy in the station.
550
00:27:39,444 --> 00:27:42,079
Very special breed of men,
551
00:27:42,080 --> 00:27:44,115
Tough, ruthless,
552
00:27:44,116 --> 00:27:46,984
No fannying about.
553
00:27:46,985 --> 00:27:49,053
I'm sorry I missed him,
554
00:27:49,054 --> 00:27:50,788
I think we might have bonded.
555
00:27:50,789 --> 00:27:52,990
Whose is the Nissan
Micra in the car park?
556
00:27:52,991 --> 00:27:56,194
- Who are you?
- Carlton, MI5.
557
00:27:56,195 --> 00:27:58,863
Oh, it's mine as it happens.
558
00:27:58,864 --> 00:28:02,099
Grim, C.I.D. it's a lovely
motor, don't you think?
559
00:28:02,100 --> 00:28:04,468
- You fancy a spin?
- You dinged my Aston!
560
00:28:04,469 --> 00:28:07,404
Do you drive an Aston Martin?
561
00:28:07,405 --> 00:28:09,907
A dinged Aston Martin. Dinged by you.
562
00:28:09,908 --> 00:28:12,076
- You dinged me!
- I did not!
563
00:28:12,077 --> 00:28:14,111
- You dinged me!
- No way, mate!
564
00:28:14,112 --> 00:28:16,580
- You dinged me!
- Learn to drive, why don't you?
565
00:28:16,581 --> 00:28:19,116
- You learn to drive!
- Get some glasses!
566
00:28:19,117 --> 00:28:21,618
Get- a hearing aid!
567
00:28:23,455 --> 00:28:25,256
Right.
568
00:28:25,257 --> 00:28:26,790
Ha!
569
00:28:28,060 --> 00:28:29,626
Look...
570
00:28:31,330 --> 00:28:34,398
Maybe we should just
exchange names and addresses.
571
00:28:35,400 --> 00:28:37,902
( theme music playing )
43649
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