All language subtitles for That 70s Show S06E14 1080p BluRay x264-YELLOWBiRD

It's been, like, an hour

and my dad is still upstairs
talking to your folks.

Our pregnancy scare must have
really freaked them out.

Yeah, well,
that's because "pregnancy"

is one of the scariest words
in the English language.

Right after
"monster" and "broccoli."

Well, I'm not pregnant.

Everything's fine, so I'm sure
our parents will calm down soon.

Hey, fornicators, upstairs!

Oh, God, we're dead.
You know what?

None of this would have happened if
you hadn't insisted on sleeping with me.

I insisted?

You wouldn't give
me my wallet back.

Look, we're in this together.

You were there, too.

Or was I?

The Jedi mind trick
doesn't work in real life, dink.

Or does it?

Oh, hey, what's shaking, gang?

Certainly not Donna's belly
from being pregnant, right?

You're not funny,
you're a sinner.

Now, sit.

We have decided that you two
need premarital counseling at church.

Premarital?
Counseling? Church?

Why am I talking
like a Speak & Spell?

Dad, you think
this is a good idea?

No. I suggested
we get him fixed like a dog.

Counseling can be
extremely beneficial.

I knew two boys who were
about to marry their sweethearts.

One boy went to counseling
and one didn't.

And the one who didn't go
to counseling died.

I'll tell you, if Midge
and I had counseling,

it might have
saved our marriage.

Of course, not sleeping with
degenerates from the pool hall

would have helped, too.

So, you want us to
go to counseling?

Mom, where do you even come up
with this stuff?

It wasn't my idea.

Steven was thoughtful enough
to suggest it.

You're welcome.

♪ Hanging out

♪ Down the street

♪ The same old thing

♪ We did last week

♪ Not a thing to do

♪ But talk to you

♪ We're all all right

♪ We're all all right ♪

Hello, Wisconsin!

Okay, you guys, this church
counseling idea is really crappy.

Would you listen to the
language on this kid?

What he needs is church,
and lots of it.

You know, Eric, you may not
think that you need counseling,

but maybe Donna does.

No, she doesn't.

Well, actually, I think
counseling might help us

work through some of our
issues before we get married.

We don't have issues.

- Yes, we do. Do.
- No, we don't. Don't.

Okay, see?

You don't do the "do, don't" if you
don't have issues, which you do.

Okay, Dad, how can you
think this is a good idea?

You always say to take care
of family business at home.

I am taking care
of business at home.

Because if you
two don't do this,

do you know what it's going to
be like living with your mother?

Just more of
a delight every day, is what.

Well, come on, Eric. We'll
learn stuff about each other.

For instance, what if one day I
get a high-paying job in California?

- Will you move?
- Whoa.

Why can't I get
the high-paying job?

Okay, what if you get a
high-paying job? Will I move?

No, who am I kidding? I'm
not getting a high-paying job.

All right, civilians.

Hide your stashes. Officer-in-training
Kelso's back from the Academy.

I've got to be honest, man.

Every day you come home
with all your fingers,

I die a little inside.

Michael,
you got another D on a test?

Is this your fourth D in a row?

Yeah.

It's just on
the penal code stuff.

"Criminals have
a right to an attorney."

"Criminals are innocent
until proven guilty."

Just crazy liberal gibberish.

What are you laughing at?

He said "penal code."

Fez, it doesn't mean that.

It's from the word "penalty."
Penal.

You're like a four-year-old.

It's a legal term. "Penal."

It's kind of funny.

Hey, guys. Hey, Michael.

How'd your penal code test go?

I did great. I got another B.

Oh, that's your
fourth B in a row.

Yeah.

I'm so proud of you.
Can I see it?

Uh...

You could, but I didn't
write anything down

because the test was oral.

Oral test on the penal code!

So, are you free this afternoon?

I thought maybe we
could do something.

How about go-carting?

How about putting
together a crib?

Does the crib have wheels?

- Yeah.
- Then I'm in.

Great. I'll meet you outside.

- Bye, guys.
- Bye.

Hey, Michael, how come
you told Library Barbie

you got Bs instead of Ds?

Look, some people bring flowers.

Some people buy chocolates.

I lie about my intelligence.

But it's not working.

She's locked up the old
funhouse, if you know what I mean.

Michael, no way.
She's totally into you.

She changed from clear
lip gloss to pink shimmer.

What more does she need to do,
shout "I love you" from the rooftops?

Well, she could give me something
besides a kiss on the cheek.

It's like kissing your cousin.

Oh, the cousin kiss.

The sexiest of
all relative kisses.

Right above big-breasted aunt

and sleepy grandma.

Did you just say,
"sleepy grandma"?

You telling me you
kiss your grandma?

Not my grandma, a grandma.

Sick bastard.

I've got to say, I'm excited
about marriage counseling.

I'm looking forward to hearing from a third
party that I'm right about everything.

Oh, and I want my marriage
to Eric to be magical.

I know how you could do that.

Marry someone besides Eric.

Hey, I'll see you guys later.

I got someplace I
really need to be.

Hey, guys, sorry I'm late.

Had someplace I
really needed to be.

Okay, so get this.

I don't want counseling,
Donna does.

So we're going.

I'll tell you, ever since we got
engaged, she's been treating me like

some kind of child.

Oh, where's my toy surprise?

Kelso,
watch it with that gun, man.

Oh, relax, Eric. It's not
a gun, it's a flare gun.

Yeah, tomorrow's Flare Day
at the Academy,

so we're learning
how to use these.

Besides, they're totally safe.
All they do is shoot balls of fire.

Kelso, I don't think you should
be playing with fire when we're all...

Never mind.

Man, I've got to stop
hitting two circles in one day.

I could swear I just saw a ball
of fire shoot through this room.

Zowie!

Okay, so what brings
you to counseling?

A firm tug on the old ball and
chain, if you know what I mean.

What Eric is trying to say is

we wanted to talk to someone
about the pitfalls of marriage.

And we have some little issues.

For example, Eric sometimes likes
to talk too much about Star Wars.

I understand.

You do?

See, this is great.

Yeah, Star Wars is the
greatest movie of all time.

It's hard not to
talk about Star Wars.

Wow! This is great!

Oh. Oh, no.

I can't believe
you've seen Star Wars!

Well, I like to stay
current with pop culture

so that I can connect
with the youth I counsel.

Say, how about that disco?

Disco kind of blows.

I agree.

Blow on, disco. Blow on.

Can we get back to
me and Eric, please?

Because sometimes I feel like
we're racing toward this wedding,

and we're not even enjoying it
as much as we could be.

Hmm, I see.

Like in Star Wars,

when Luke,
much like the two of you,

wasn't the pilot
of his own future.

But he was a great pilot.

- He used to
bull's-eye womp rats...
In his T-16 back home!

I should be marrying you.

I thought this was a counseling
session, not a dork-off.

I'm sorry, Donna.

Okay, look, instead of talking about
what worries you about marriage,

let's talk about what
excites you about marriage.

Oh. Okay, well...

Hmm. That's weird. I can't
really think of anything.

You can't think of anything?

Well, hang on.
Give me a second.

Nope. Nothing.

Well, one thing young newlyweds
usually get excited about,

and that's having sexual
relations for the first time.

I'm sure you're both
looking forward to that.

- Oh...
- Yeah, that's...

Unless, of course,
you've already had sex.

Premarital sex.

- What?
- Huh?

Pre-what-ital-who?

I mean, come on, look at me.

Do I look like some guy who's
had sex? I mean... Ugh! Right?

You're
seeing pictures of what's left

of the Point Place Police Academy
auditorium, where a fire broke out today.

I hope Kelso's okay.

Yeah, I know he was there
'cause today was Flare Day.

Today was Flare Day!

Hey, what's up?

Okay, fine. I was at the Academy
when the auditorium burnt down,

but it totally wasn't my fault.

See, I got there early
to practice with my flare gun

'cause I wanted to show Brooke
an actual B for a change.

Okay, so far, 0% your fault.

All right, so I accidentally shot off
a flare, and it went all...

Like, right
underneath the bleachers.

Well, we've just jumped up to
about 60% your fault.

Okay, so then I shot off
another flare at the first flare

'cause you know what they say.
You've got to fight fire with fire.

Yeah, this is now,
like, 99% your fault.

So then I shot off another flare
to warn people about the fire.

But that one just went
right up and on the roof,

and that's when I just got
the hell out of there.

$5? For Pete's sakes,
God doesn't drive a Cadillac.

You know, in these times of loose
morals, even my faith gets challenged,

much like Han Solo's faith in his
sometimes unreliable Millennium Falcon.

Which is why I'm so pleased to
recently meet a young engaged couple

who have turned their backs
on temptation,

despite the lure
of premarital sex.

Oh, no. Oh, God. Oh, no.

So here they are, Eric
Forman and Donna Pinciotti.

Please stand.

Oh, look, it's Eric and Donna.

Did everyone know
they're virgins?

I think I want to
be a virgin, too.

Hey, everyone, I'm a virgin!

Well, I said it,
so it must be true.

Okay, I know this seems really bad,
but I got a really simple way to fix this.

Just start going to
a different church.

Hey, how about that one where they sing
more and let you marry, like, six people?

Hey, Red, tell me the story
about how Eric and Donna had to

stand up in front of the whole
church and pretend to be virgins.

Once upon a time,
two dumb asses went to church

and brought shame
upon their entire family.

And their father had to hear about
it the whole damn car ride home!

That is a great story.

It's scary, but it's funny, too.

What I don't understand is how
you can lie to a pastor in church.

Well, Mrs. Forman, what about
the time you lied to Pastor Dan?

You told him your dog ate
your bake sale cookies,

but you didn't bake them 'cause
you were too busy sipping Kahlua

and watching that
Paul Newman retrospective.

I did not lie to
Pastor Dan in church.

I lied to him at the market,

and at the market,
he is just a regular man.

Now, you two march back to
church and tell him the truth.

And for your information,
Donna, Kahlua is barely a drink.

It's like root beer.

So I can't believe the Police
Academy caught fire. What happened?

Huge mystery.

Like, what part of
the cow is the hot dog?

Maybe Kelso's just
too traumatized to remember.

I think he needs help
filling in the blanks, like...

"The fire was
started with a 'blank' gun

"by a 'blanking'
idiot named 'blank'-O."

Hey, Brooke, could you
wait outside for a minute?

Mrs. Forman has this rule
that there's only...

One, two, three, four...

Five people in
the kitchen at one time.

- Well,
there are five people here.
- That's why you need to leave.

- But you said no
more than five.
- Right.

- But I'm number five.
- Exactly.

- So I'll just
wait outside, then?
- Attagirl.

Hey, Jackie, I suspect
Kelso hasn't told Brooke

that he burned down
the Police Academy.

Interesting. I
suspect you're right, Steven.

Fez, what do you think?

I think I smell cookies.

All right,
fine, so I haven't told her.

But the only reason she likes me is
'cause I'm doing well at the Academy.

Michael, you can't start a
relationship based on a huge lie.

You have to start off fresh, and then
gently sprinkle in the lies as you go along.

A relationship is like a cookie

and the lies are
the tasty chocolate chips.

Where are the cookies, damn it?

Okay,
what did you want to tell me?

Well, you see, Pastor Dan,
when we were here before

and you had asked us about
premarital sex,

we might have...

We lied, okay?

We have had sex
zillions of times.

I used to try to keep track on a
pad, but it got unwieldy. Oh, God.

Eric!

Well, I'm sorry, Donna,

but we are knocking on
hell's door, and I ain't going in!

Eric, you're not going to hell.

Well, you might be.
I don't know you that well.

I just think you're depriving
yourselves of that wonderful moment

when marriage is cemented

by giving
the gift of yourselves.

Wow. I never
thought about it that way.

Maybe that's why you couldn't figure
out the whole excitement about marriage.

The one thing you should
have been looking forward to,

you had already experienced.

Maybe you knew that
without realizing it.

Um...

I don't mean to bring
up Star Wars again...

This is a lot like Luke before
he discovered the Force.

Exactly.

And what is
the Force in real life?

Wow.

Brooke, I've got to
tell you something.

I burnt down
the Police Academy auditorium.

See, this flare
just got away from me.

And then there was another flare
that was on purpose, but a bad idea,

and a final warning flare that I
now realize was unnecessary

'cause the fire itself
was a pretty big flare.

Well, Michael, I'm glad
you were honest with me,

because I kind of
have a secret, too.

You have a twin sister
that loves threesomes.

No, no.

I've stopped myself
from getting close to you

because I didn't know
if I could trust you.

I knew you were lying about the
Police Academy fire because...

Well, your friends kind of
gave it away in the kitchen.

Also, Fez took me aside today
and just told me,

and kind of tried to kiss me.

Yeah, he does that.

But you were honest with me,
which means I can trust you now.

So, is there anything else you'd
like to be honest with me about,

like maybe your test grades?

Yeah.

I didn't get four Bs.

I kind of figured.

I got four As.
I just didn't want to brag.

Well, we committed
seven mortal sins,

and all we got was
a half-an-hour lecture.

Yeah.

But still, I want our
wedding day to be special.

You know, something
we'll remember forever.

You know what?
Whatever it takes.

Which is why I think we shouldn't
have sex again until we're married.

What? No. What? No.

No, no, no, no, no.

You can't cut me off now.
I'm addicted now.

Look, Eric, I know it
seems like a crazy idea...

Oh, I see your plan, lady. The
first three years are free, huh?

Eric, it'll be great.

When you think about it,
it's really similar to Star Wars

and staying pure,
just like a Jedi.

There's no such thing as Jedi.
That's just a stupid movie! God!

Last Sunday,
we recognized two congregants

for abstaining from sex.

Well, it is my sad duty to
report that they were lying!

To me, to their families,
to God himself.

So let us correct
a great injustice.

Please stand, Eric
Forman and Donna Pinciotti.

Amen.