All language subtitles for That 70s Show S06E10 1080p BluRay x264-YELLOWBiRD

Guys, there are actual
stewardesses out there,

and one of them talked to me.

I made this joke
about how they just flew in

and their arms must be tired.

Yeah, great.

Kelso, their neckerchiefs
are undone.

You can see their necks.

Look, I don't have time
for stewardess neck.

I gotta study.

They're really riding me
down at the Police Academy,

and I don't know why.

I know why. It's fun.

They even chose me last
to work on the CPR dummy,

so everybody's spit
was all over it.

Even Johnson's spit, and
he's got a monster cold sore.

I know why they're doing that.
I bet you're the stooge.

What?

Every year, the Police Academy
lets one guy in they know will fail out.

They use him
to scare the other cadets.

I know 'cause my brother
was a stooge.

All right, fine, it was me.

Oh, man, I'm the stooge.

Hey, come on.

Kelso, if that were true, you'd have had
to have been a screw-up your whole life.

I mean, sure, you've fallen
off the water tower every year

since junior high.

You broke your arm
wrestling a dog.

And heck, no one's eaten
more change than you.

All right, I gotta say
you guys are making

a pretty good case
that I'm the stooge!

Well, if you're not,

there's a guy who's about to step
on a rake that I really wanna meet.

♪ Hanging out

♪ Down the street

♪ The same old thing

♪ We did last week

♪ Not a thing to do

♪ But talk to you

♪ We're all all right

♪ We're all all right ♪

Hello, Wisconsin!

I can't believe I'm the stooge.

Michael, it's just the way
some people are. Okay?

Some people are lazy,
some people are clumsy,

some people are stooges.

You're lucky enough
to be all three.

Kelso, keep in mind you're
being called a stooge by a stooge

while a third stooge
sits idly by.

Compliment accepted.

Now, listen, you nincompoops,

these pies are for some
very important clients.

Nothing should happen
to these pies, got that?

Sure thing, boss.

Well, nice going, you knucklehead.
Now we gotta wash them.

Wanna give me a hand?

Bravo, bravo.

So, we got a wise guy, huh?

Oh, yeah? Take this.

How's it going with those...

Pies?

Ugh. The Three Stooges
have such bad hair.

You know, I wish I can
go back in time

for just 10 minutes

and hand out combs and brushes.

Guys, can we focus here?

I gotta figure out
if I'm the stooge or not.

Well, why don't you just, like,

ask your captain or something?

He won't tell me.
That's the whole point!

I gotta get a look at my file,

which means I gotta break
into the Police Academy.

Okay. You see how you took
something that made sense

and then made it weird?

That's part of the problem.

That's what I like
about you, Kelso.

You can make a mess
out of anything.

I'm in.

Yeah, well, not me.

Breaking into a place
where they train people

to shoot you if you break
into a place, it's...

Come on, Eric. We're a team.

Yeah, Michael's the looks,

Steven's the brain and you,

your house has food.

Hey, remember when we shoplifted

those baseball cards?

We were 12 years old,

and I didn't shoplift anything.

That's right. You went home
and told your mommy.

You mama's boy.

Well, did you want that
on your permanent record?

Yeah, I didn't think so, mister.

Oh, God,
I am a mama's boy. I'm in.

Now, the secret to really good
fudge is a tiny bit of Kahlua.

You must make a lot of fudge,
'cause the bottle's almost empty.

No. Well, it's a tiny bit
of Kahlua for the fudge,

a tiny bit for the chef.

That's how you make cooking fun.

Apparently, it also works
for sewing

and laundry and sitting
around watching TV.

Okay, the INS called.

I have to go in
for a final review

before I can pick up
my green card.

I bet they give you a test
on US history.

See, America is strict
about who we let in here,

'cause we have stuff
that people wanna steal.

Unlike your lesser countries
like Canada and France.

See, this is when a bobby pin
comes in handy.

Why do you have a bobby pin?

I'm training my hair, okay?
I want more wave, less fluff.

Guys, this is serious. Let's just
find my file and get out of here.

Hey, what's in here?

Oh, it's the canine
training room.

It's where they keep
all the samples

to teach the police dogs
what to sniff for.

Oh, man, these samples are
way better than our samples.

Did you see how quickly
I sniffed them out?

I could so be a police dog.

Cool, training collar.

You know, I still don't get how
they could think I'm the stooge.

I'm, like,
so on top of everything.

What's this thing do?

Give me that, Kelso.

Gonna hurt yourself.

Hyde, that really hurts.

Okay, do it one more time.

Okay, so, this is George
Washington, the father of our country.

Well, George and I
have one thing in common.

We both look good
in a powder white wig.

Okay, so Fez, the Statue of
Liberty was a gift from the French.

The French?
I didn't know that.

You didn't know that?

I really don't think
it's common knowledge.

Okay, I painted my nails through
two semesters of American history

and even I knew that.

Well, don't I feel like the
hillbilly who wandered into town.

Well, it's no big deal,
Mrs. Forman.

Oh, I see. It's no big deal for you
smart people who know everything,

but for us hillbillies, well, we're
lucky if we know how to tie our shoes

and flush the toilet.

Okay, Mrs. Forman,
please don't get upset.

Okay, here,
drink some more fudge.

Okay, so...

- The constitution
was ratified...
- Oh, I know this. 1776.

Oh, you're thinking of the
Declaration of Independence.

- See, the constitution was...
- I know what
the constitution is.

- Can you make fudge?
- What?

Then can it.

Okay, what if they ask me about
current events? Tell me about Vietnam.

Okay, so Vietnam was an
illegal war, which we lost.

What the hell
are you teaching him?

You come with me.

I'll teach you the real
American history.

First of all, we didn't
lose the war. It was a tie.

Besides, they're grateful.
They have McDonald's now.

Here's my file. It doesn't
say stooge anywhere.

Good picture,
but that's no shocker.

But this is.

Ah!

I think the batteries
are starting to go.

That one didn't hurt as much.

You better let me
hold onto this file.

I won't leave any fingerprints
thanks to my cool new black gloves.

Man, if only these shot webs.

Aren't those
your mom's Isotoners?

All right, guys, I gotta figure
out if I'm in trouble or not.

What the hell
is going on in here?

I'm gonna go with
"you're in trouble".

Cadet Kelso, do you know
what the penalty is

for breaking
into the Academy office?

No, sir, Officer Kennedy, sir.

There are none, because
nobody's been stupid enough to do it!

All right, you're first
in your class.

Is that a dog training collar
around your neck?

You're probably gonna want this.

It's the red button.

Look, sir,
I think you should know

that at the last police
charity auction,

my family bought one of your
Christmas tree ornaments,

Santa driving a cop car.

Funniest thing
on the tree it was.

Anyway, please don't call
my mom and dad. Thanks.

- What's your name?
- They call me Fez.

Officer Kennedy, sir,

I broke in to find out if I
was the stooge or not, sir.

You're not the stooge.
Johnson's the stooge.

Yes.

But you're the stooge now.

Okay, I think that we've
been reviewing long enough.

Let's see what you've learnt.
I'll start you off with an easy one.

- Where do you live?
- Amedica.

It's pronounced America.

That's what I said, Amedica.

- America.
- Amedica.

Why do we celebrate
the Fourth of July?

Because we are damn glad
not to be

a bunch of British,
tea-drinking nancy pants.

Nobody's gonna argue
with that answer.

America!

Amedica!

- America!
- Amedica!

What was President
Dwight D. Eisenhower's

greatest achievement?

He led the Allies to victory
in World War II

and sent those jackbooted
Nazi bastards home

to cry in their sauerkraut.

I didn't understand
a word you said,

but I heard "Nazi bastards",
and that's good enough for me.

- America!
- Amedica!

Look, there is no damn "D"
in America.

- Say my son's name.
- Eric.

Great.

Now, America.

Amedica.

Just forget it.
Just say, United States.

United States of Amedica.

Guys, I'm really screwed down
at the Police Academy.

Officer Kennedy told me he's
looking for any reason to kick me out.

Okay, but did he say anything
about calling my parents?

I was so freaked out that I
completely blew this exam this morning.

I'm sure you did fine.

Roy, the first question was,
"Stop, in the name of the blank."

And I wrote "Love".

I don't care
what they say, Kelso.

Love is always the right answer.

So you screwed up a test, man.

You know what you have to do.

Yeah, yeah.
Study more next time.

What are you? Forman?

You gotta break in there
and change the answers.

I can't break in there again.

That's the stupidest thing
I've ever heard.

That's why they'll never
expect it, man.

Look, they don't know
you've got a friend like me

to talk you into doing something
so fundamentally moronic.

That's true.

You know what? I'm in, too.
I know it's dangerous,

but I just really like
wearing that outfit.

Trust me, it'll work. How do
you think I got through chemistry?

Hey, you told me
you blackmailed the teacher

because you caught him
smoking up behind the gym.

Oh, yeah. How do you think
I got through biology?

Fez, relax.
You're gonna pass the test.

No, this could be
my last day in the country.

We should probably make love.

What?

Don't worry. It'll be over
before you know it.

So, on the way back from the
bathroom, I got proposed to three times.

I must look
more gorgeous than usual.

Jackie, the only reason
they wanna marry you

is so they can stay
in the country.

Jealous.

Okay, here I go.

I'm here for my test.
Where do I sign in?

Or should I say, "Where
do I put my John Hancock?"

Actually, I would sign my name.

Just the common expression.

I know so much history, I just
drop it into everyday conversation.

There is no test.

I just need to see that you
are who you say you are

and that you're in the country to
be with your wife, Laurie Forman.

No test? So, that's it?

I'm truly really a citizen
of this great country?

Just as soon
as I stamp this paper.

Oh, this is great. You
and I should go celebrate.

Let's start off with a couple
of drinks and some lovemaking

and see where it goes
from there.

I don't date married men.

Well, let's just say that as
soon as I get my green card,

I will be single.

Then you can explore
the country of Fez.

Hold on, are you telling me
your marriage is a sham?

I'm telling you your eyes are
like amber waves of green.

You do realize
I haven't stamped this yet?

Actually, I had not.

- Oh, he looks happy.
- Yeah, I bet he's doing great.

Yeah.

- Shouldn't you stamp
my paper now?
- I don't think so.

- In a minute?
- Nope.

- After lunch?
- Uh-uh.

Would you like me to stamp it?

Red, do you think I'm smart?

Oh, is that what we're gonna
do today? We're gonna fight?

Great news, I got my green card.

I am now, officially,
a Yankee Doodle Dandy.

- So, you passed the test, huh?
- Oh, there was no test.

No test? Oh, we're just
as bad as Canada.

So, what happened?

Well, you know how sometimes I
come on a little strong to the ladies?

You can be a little handsy.

It was touch and go for a while,

but, eventually, I won the
INS lady over with my charm.

More like you cried until she
felt bad and stamped your papers.

Hey, tomato, potato,
it's all the same thing.

Bottom line is, I have chadisma.

- Charisma.
- Yes, chadisma.

Man, I love these gloves.

I wish there was some diamond

protected by lasers
I could steal.

Okay, I'm almost done.

I just gotta think
of one more misdemeanor.

Oh, breaking into
the Police Academy.

All right, come on. Let's go.

How do you keep finding us?

I'm wearing all black.

I sleep right next door.

What's the problem?
Trouble with the wife?

Shut up.

That's it, you're out of here!

Wait, I can explain.

Okay, this whole thing started
because I just...

I can't be the stooge, okay?

I'm gonna be a dad soon, and
no kid is gonna look up to his dad

if his dad is the stooge.

Well, unless the kid's a stooge,

in which case I wouldn't
love him anyway.

You're gonna be a father?

Who would breed with you?

One night stand,
both a little drunk.

Look, I know I messed up,

but can't you just maybe...

Give me one more chance.

All right. Since you're
gonna be a father,

I'm gonna let what
happened here slide.

But just so
you don't do this again,

I'm gonna let you in
on a little secret.

There is no stooge.

What?

That's just a rumor we started
to get the cadets to work harder.

Also, there's no alligator
in the lake.

Wait. Wait, wait.
If there's no stooge,

then how come our friend Roy

told us he got kicked out of
the Academy for being a stooge?

Roy Keen?

He didn't get kicked out
for being a stooge.

He got kicked out
for shooting the police horse.

Look, Cadet, all you have to
do is work hard and you'll be fine.

Now you clean up this mess
and get out of here.

Well, I think we all learned
an important lesson here.

If you're in trouble and your
back's up against the wall,

just tell them you got a kid.

People are suckers for a baby.

That is a valuable lesson.

I think we should all reflect on
that in the canine training room.

- I call shock collar.
- I call button.

Okay, Miss Smarty Pants,
how about...

Oh.

Where was the famous tea party?

- Boston.
- Nope.

- What?
- Got it wrong. Sorry.

It's the Boston Tea Party.

No, it says right here,
it's the Boston Tea Party.

Oh.

I'm gonna have
a Long Island tea party.