All language subtitles for Legally.Exposed.1997-[Erotic].DVDRip

In case you don't know
me, my name is Dr. Fez,

and I'm what you might call a
clinical researcher in human sexuality.

I wasn't searching for a mere bit of bone
or a piece of crumbling ancient pottery,

or even gold encrusted with rubies.

No, what I was looking for
was much more valuable.

It was something that was stolen from me.

And after a year of searching,

I was on the verge of recovering
something very dear to my heart,

as well as several other
pieces of my anatomy.

There!

Someone had hidden it where
no one was supposed to find it.

Oh, oh, oh, shit.

Oh, shit.

That it?

You go ahead.

Oh, not me.

Hold.

No, no, no, no.

No, I don't want it.

Me?

Yeah.

Okay, let's go.

Come on.

Heh, heh, heh, heh, heh.

I'm not certain of its origin, but it's
more powerful than a nuclear arsenal,

and more valuable than the
combined wealth of the planet.

Atini, President Arthur.

Ati presence.

And it belonged to me.

No!

Wait for me! Wait for me!

Finally, I had gotten the click.

But the situation was very dangerous.

On the block market, the
clicker was worth untold millions.

We hear you are departing us, Doctor.

Yes, I'm catching a ferry tonight.

Is there any truth to this rumor
of this magical sex device?

You know, gentlemen, truth is relative.

People are saying that whoever has
this device can make anyone do anything.

Anything.

Answer the question.

Give us the device.

I'm leaving.

You call that a good deal?

Uh, no.

No. No. I...

Wait.

I've got something for you.

What this is?

I'll show you.

Shall we?

Come to me.

No wait!

Let me wake them up.

No!

Sorry!

I'm sorry I can't breathe!

I'm sorry!

Please!

I'm so pleased!

No!

What's the matter?

Can't we talk about this?

I am so mad!

Wait!

Oh no!

My clicker!

I tried to forget about
the clicker, but I couldn't.

My greatest fear had become a reality.

Through the black market,
the click had ended up

on the Greek island of Ios.

There, a French baroness
was looking for a little more

than her sniveling English
husband could give her.

♪

Festive, no?

♪

Excusez-moi.

How do you prefer your columns?

What?

Dory, Ioni, Christian?

I... I like... I like my columns.

I prefer big columns.

Do you know what I'm talking about?

Go in, darling. We've got to go.

Wait for me in the limo.

Oh, you're right, my love.

I'll take him.

For here to go?

For here. Definitely for here.

And how do you like your columns?

Do you like it?

Do you like it?

Definitely do you like it.

As you can see, the click
had something for everyone.

By the time I arrived in
Greece, it had been stolen again.

Apparently by a Russian
woman by the name of Ina.

Ina had a fabulous place on the Black Sea,

where she used the
click to make new friends.

I went all over the world following Click.

It seemed that whatever city I was in,

I was always one city too late.

I didn't know it at the time, but again
through the international black market,

Click ended up in the
hands of one of the most

ruthless and powerful
lawyers in Los Angeles.

And this is where the real chase began.

You be careful with that, Grandpa.

As per paragraph 7.1.B,
subparagraph 14, seeing

that you have not
responded to my requests...

Mr. Elwood Brimstone, attorney at law, had
a very twisted sense of corporate power.

Is everything all right?

Oh, yes, yes, yes.

Mr. Brunsell, everything's fine.

I will have no choice but to
consider you in material contempt.

I would, of course, prefer to
resolve this whole matter amicably.

Strike that.

Miserably.

Um, where was I?

I would prefer to resolve this matter...

Oh yes, in a matter
mutually beneficial to me,

as I'm preparing to kick
your ass all over town.

Um, yours, sincerely,
go fuck yourself and

send it with copies
and duplicate, of course.

Talk less! Bill more!

Did you bill for your shower this morning?

Yes, Mr. Brinstone.

Good.

Got any new clients?

Well, I was going to, you see...

What are you waiting for?
Go chase a fucking ambulance!

Yes, sir.

Victoria?

Yes, sir?

Victoria, meet me in the
conference room in, um...

five minutes?

Yes, sir.

Oh my God, what the hell
does he want to see me for?

Maybe he knows you're trying to out him.

Oh, shit!

Or perhaps he found out you sold
that story to National Gossip Magazine.

Oh my God!

Oh, just shut up!

Or... or maybe he just wants to
talk to you about an upcoming case.

What? Are you kidding?
That old geezer hates me.

Probably hasn't gotten
as stiffy in ten years.

Besides the fact he knows I'm
going to force him into retirement.

No matter what happens, I'll be with you.

Oh, stop it, will you?
I'm trying to scheme.

Well, let me scheme with you.

Forget it, Jason. You're
a fourth-rate schemer.

I'm a good schemer.

All right. Listen.

I'm going to go into that conference
room and meet with that old wart.

While I'm in there, with
discretion, ask around the firm.

Try and find out what's going on.

I'm scared.

Stop it!

Look, if you do a good job snooping,
I'll let you practice naked torts on me.

Oh, naked torts?

Sit down, Miss Fiberfelish.

What would you say, Victoria?

If I told you I've always
found you to be very attractive?

I'd say, thank you, sir.

And what if I thought that
feeling was consensual?

I would say that... that
would never happen.

Well, never say never, Miss Victoria.

But enough of that. Let's
get down to business.

I'm not satisfied with the Binder case.

The Binder case is very
similar to the Dabrowski case.

What I always wanted to know is...

How did you invoke the Dabrowski case in...

Lawrence v. Witt?

If you look at the case, the situation
is really the same as Dabrowski.

But how did you convince
the judge to permit

the Dabrowski
argument into the court?

Oh, convincing the judge, indeed.

Excuse me.

Anybody here know what's going on
between Victoria and Mr. Brimstone?

Not that I'm snooping or anything.

Come here.

Oh, yes.

Yes.

Carter.

Yeah, really penalized me.

Yes.

That's my Victoria.

And Mr. Brimstone.

Hey. Hey.

What's a big idea?

Oh, yeah.

Succeeding together.

Being a team player.

Getting it done.

Perhaps you heard these terms before.

Yes.

But how many of you have ever sat down

and really considered

what these terms mean?

Well, that's what we're going to do today.

Join us, won't you?

Now that's what I call a
very successful meeting.

Mr. Brimstone?

Mr. Brimstone?

Sadly, this was not the
first life lost as a result

of the almighty click
falling into the wrong hands.

I had to get it back, not just for
myself, but for the sake of humanity.

Clear!

Save your energy, I
think we've got a cold one.

If you babbling insects are finished, let's
get one thing perfectly clear right now.

I am taking over as CEO.

If any of you needle dicks think you
can take on the job, step to the plate.

We have a meeting.

Good choice.

She really is the most qualified.

Shut up!

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Lose, Grandpa.

It wasn't until later
that Victoria realized

there was a little something
extra in her meeting

with Mr. Brimstone.

I don't get it.

You don't have to get it.

Just shut up and help me find it.

Explain to me what this
thing looks like again.

It's a thing.

What kind of thing?

It's a just stand there and shut up.

Well, there's all kinds
of different things.

It could be animal or vegetable or mineral.

It could be a machine.

Shut up!

It begins with closing your mouth.

How about 20 questions?

You wanna play 20 questions?

Damn it!

Sweetheart, you are
not cooperating with me.

Jason!

Drive me to the coroner's office.

The coroner's office?

There's dead people there!

If we don't find this thing,

there's gonna be a lot more dead people.

What thing?

Meanwhile, Ashley
had the clique to help her

with her dating problems.

Married?

Married?

Oh, dead.

Yeah, he turned gay.

Out on bail.

Great.

Hey there, this is
Herbert. I'm out right

now. Just leave your
message after the beep.

Uh, hi Herbert. This is Ashley.
You probably don't remember

me, but I met you at your
arraignment last November.

I was the one filing the civil suit against
you. Anyway, you probably remember.

Listen, I was wondering
how you were doing and

thought maybe we could
get together sometime.

Like tonight?

Uh, so listen, I'll be up till,
um, about 11 if you want to call.

Actually, make that 12... 30.1230.

And if you get in at 1245, you
can call me. It's perfectly fine.

Okay, bye.

I can't believe we're doing this.

Just shut up and keep looking.

I think I'm going to be sick.

I got him.

Are you sure we're allowed to do this?

Just shut up and hold the seat.

Come on, do it.

There's nothing I can't stand
more than cultured helplessness.

It's not here.

Damn.

Victoria.

He's dead, Victoria.

You have to move on.

It must have been taken
by somebody in that room.

I want every single person
that was in that meeting

questioned and searched.

It's got to be done tonight.

As Victoria and Jason
were tearing through the city

in search of the elusive clicker,

Ashley was having a party of her own.

Who needs men anyway?

I want you out of my life.

I want you out of my life.

I want you out of my life.

I want you out of my life.

Uh, just a minute.

Yeah.

Um, hi, um...

I live below you,

and I heard, well, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, never mind.

Hey.

Yes?

You wanna come in?

Okay.

Wow. I can't believe this is
the same apartment as I have.

What do you do?

Oh, I'm a paralegal. I work
in a law firm in Beverly Hills.

What do you do?

I'm an actor.

Oh, that's nice. That's really nice.

Have I ever seen you in anything?

You ever heard of Konstantin Stanislavski?

Is that a TV show?

You know, I thought not.

You're completely ignorant.

Oh, thanks a lot.

I bet you don't know anything
about Polislavski, do you?

Mayakovsky.

Strasburg. Sanford Meisner.

Look! No!

You don't know the difference
between organic and inorganic.

Between acting and being.

Between having a true
moment and indicating.

I gotta go feed my pet turtle.

No, no, no. Wait, please.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be so rude.

I'm rehearsing a monologue.

A monologue?

Yeah, a monologue.

What for?

For auditions.

See, an actor must always be
prepared with two monologues.

One classical, one contemporary.

That was, of course, my
contemporary monologue.

Which I did not finish.

Would you like to see some more?

Yeah, I guess.

Great. Here, sit.

Ready?

Yeah, just a second.

Lip-a-dee-dip-a-dee,
lip-a-dee-dip-a-dee, lip-a-dee-dip-a-dee.

You ever heard of Konstantin Stanislavski?

I thought not. You are completely ignorant.

You don't know anything
about Boleslavski, do you?

Or Mayakovski?

Strasburg.

Sanford Meisner.

The work, the study.

You don't know anything in the work.

What, do you think I'm in it for the money?

I'm an actor.

It's what I do.

It's the only thing I know how to do.

What are you, some fake two-bit showgirl?

Piece of ass?

You know, I want you to go.

Look, just go.

Oh, God.

What?

Was that lousy, huh?

Well, tell me. Tell me, damn it!

I love you.

What?

I said I love you.

Love me? You don't know anything about me.

So?

Fooey!

It seems Ashley had
found other uses for

the passion-producing
powers of the clicker.

She turned an over-the-top actor
into a sensitive and powerful performer.

Of course, with the click,
performance didn't end there.

So you like my monologue, huh?

Let me tell you, you got the part.

Probably my agent.

It's mine.

Phone's over there. Don't take too
much time. I got a lot of calls coming.

Okay.

Hello?

Somebody page me?

Ashley, it's me, Tasha.

Hi, Natasha. I thought
you were still in Milan.

I'm back in L.A. I'm doing a shoot
for Downtown Bride at Shatter Studios.

I'd just love to see you.

Hey, my half-sister's
back from Milan, and,

uh, you wanna drop in
on a photo shoot with me?

Well, you know, I'm kinda
busy. I'm... I wasn't... Okay.

Okay. We'll be there.

Great. I'll see you in a bit. Bye.

Oh, my God!

Victoria, we've woken up half the office
looking for this thing, and I'm tired.

I wanna go home.

Jason, would you please
just go back to shutting up?

Someone has that thing,
and I'm gonna find it.

Oh, Victoria, you're so strong.

Okay, give it to me.

Very good.

Good.

Okay, hold it right there.

This shoot's kind of ironic.

How's that?

Because no one will
hear your sorry pimply ass.

I have a lovely ass. Last I checked,
there was a single pimple on it.

I think you should work a little harder.

Parisio, can't you pretend
to at least want to fuck her?

Let's go!

Oh, Christ! A little love something?

Who the fuck told you you could
model, you fucking ugly lady?

Oh, my God, that's Lou.

Who?

Lou Birnbaum. One of the most
powerful agents in Hollywood.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

No, I haven't seen your work,
but I really respect the buzz on you.

Yeah, why don't I have
my assistant call you

and set up an
appointment for about, uh...

next month? Like, uh... end of next month?

Come on, give me some love.

Christ, a little love something?

I've been trying to get her to
represent me for three and a half years.

And a friend of my manager guaranteed me

the cheers thing if I return my phone call.

And, you know, this
time I think I believe it.

Alright, keep it going,
keep it right there.

Shh! Be quiet!

Don't let the camera...

Chin up.

Well, now yes.

Watch the camera.

Two minutes, two minutes. This
is a piss break, not a lunch break.

I need a wardrobe change,
and Denise, time them.

Hi.

Oh, so good to see you.

Well, how'd you like it?

Oh, you were incredible. I
only wish I could do what you do.

Sylvia's cool. She's a ball dyke, but
she could sure snap a good picture.

Where's your friend?

Oh, he's right over...

What the fuck does Stallone
know about a script anyway?

Natasha, my dear.

Lou, did you ever meet
my half-sister, Ashley?

Lou Burnbam, how do you do?

Natasha speaks so highly of you.

Actually, I've never mentioned her to you.

So, Tasha, how you feel?

You look beautiful.

Good.

I'm so tired.

Oh, the hell of heaven.

Just three more photo shoots, and then

she has one entire day off before she

flies to Tokyo to do that cyberpunk movie.

Wow.

Listen, sweetie, I tripled your value

in the past three months alone.

So keep it smiling, OK?

Good.

Well, I'm going to go now.

So I will stop by briefly tomorrow.

If you have any problems, just let me know.

And Ashley, it was so nice to meet you.

The family, that's what's important,

not this silly business.

Family.

Fucking hell, wardrobe!

Would you change her, please?

Fucking wanker.

What'd she say?

Who?

Lou.

She say anything about me?

No.

What were you doing over there?

Shh.

Who are these fucking people?

I do not like her.

Meow.

All right, hurry, hurry!

Let's go!

Come on!

Pretend you're on a
honeymoon, for Christ's sakes,

Caribbean or something.

Oh, she's beautiful.

Shh!

Be quiet!

Girl.

Some sincere fucking love, can you do it?

Fabrizio, you wanker.

Yeah.

Okay, that's her.

Your sister's some bottle.

She's my half-sister.

You can have all the tab with that pay.

You fucking smeared the
mic up, you dumb bitch!

My clicker was in the hands of
someone who would put it to good ends.

As Victoria and Jason
closed in like hungry wolves,

this was just the calm before the storm.

Well?

Here's your jacket.

Thanks.

Good night.

Good luck on your audition.

Yeah. Thanks.

Oh, you wonderful, wonderful thing.

We're gonna do everything together.

Ashley, out late, aren't you?

Stick them up.

Thank you.

No!

With the clicker now in the possession of
the evil Victoria and the bumbling Jason,

I finally made my way to the
rambling world of Hollywood.

My first thought was to visit an
old colleague, Professor Shock,

wise in the ways of
psychomania and perversion.

Hey!

Professor Shock!

Whoa!

Good to see you.

Good to see you, sir.

Ah, thank you.

Ah, I read your paper on the

electromechanistic
aphrodisiacal erratomania...

Click. I just call it the click.

So, what can I do for you?

Well, I have reason to believe
that the click device is here in L.A.

You mean it actually exists?

Yes, it actually exists.

I have the device.

Ah, hoo-hoo!

Lucky you, hey!

Heh heh heh heh heh heh.

I'm sorry to say, it was stolen.

I see.

Well, how can I help?

I know the device is here someplace.

I just don't know who has it.

It's in L.A.

You don't know who has it?

No.

So, you need my help.

Yes!

Go ahead.

What?

Drink your tea!

Ah, ha! Here, here.

What's this?

A business card. What's
the matter? You stupid?

An agent?

Yes. This is Hollywood.

If anyone knows who's got what
or who's doing what to whom,

it's Lou Birnbaum.

How do you know her?

She's my agent.

Yes, she sold my last three scripts.

Scripts?

You don't got a script?

Oh, this is Hollywood.
Everybody's got a script.

You've got to get a script.

As I mused the idea of Click as a movie,

my Hollywood adventure
took me to the strange beast

known as ACC, Talent Agents.

So, are you a writer or are you a director?

Because, I mean, I'm
working on this project

that I think you would love,
and this thing with Lou is totally...

I hate this fucking job!
People always yell at me!

Give me this bubbly water!

So, anyhow, we'll talk later, all right?

Right.

Oh, this is Lou you're talking to, okay?

No! No, no, no.

No. Mm-mm.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Yeah!

I sit on the couch.

That's all.

Pick up the phone.

The other phone.

Yes, uh, hello?

Yes, what can I do for you?

Uh, well, I'd like to speak to Lou.

I'm right here.

Well, where?

Turn around.

Don't fucking look at me.

Now get to the point. I'm very busy.

I've got an animated slasher musical
being pitched to me in five minutes.

It's hot, violent, but with heart.

Yes, I think I see.

Well, I was speaking
with Professor Shug and...

Shug? Well, why didn't you say so?

You can look at me.

Oh, God, Shug, excellent
writer, major, major talent.

I discovered him, of course.

Yes, I see. Well, uh, he was...

On the phone.

Uh, well, as I was
saying, he said that, uh,

you may be able to assist
me in finding something...

Let me get this straight.

This clicker thing can
stimulate a person's lust.

Good. I like that.

Visual, high concept. I can sell that.

Not just lust, but
uncontrollable sexual desire.

Desire is such a nature that
demands immediate gratification.

Pointed at a subject, it
releases a chemical called LD5

that in the brain causes...

It causes horniness. Good, good, good. Yes.

My point exactly.

It's only one of these
things in the entire world.

To my knowledge.

All right, Doc, you're on. We have a deal.

I'll find the thing,
I'll deliver it to you,

and of course I will represent you
in any and all further transactions

straight across the board.

That's film, television,
infomercials, commercials,

sporting events and book deals, okay?

You do that for me? Well, that's very kind.

Sign here.

And sign there.

And sign here.

Get out.

What?

This is so that I can call you.

Keep it with you at all times and under
no circumstances do you initiate a call.

I'll be in touch.

Okay.

Hello?

I found it.

Hello?

That was Swift.

Get in!

Professor Shuggs said Hollywood moves fast,

but this fast, I never would have guessed.

Meanwhile, Victoria was up
to some fast moves of her own.

Ashley, sweetheart, are
you enjoying yourself?

Make it stop.

Kiss me.

Help!

Help!

Horsey boy.

Mmm, yeah.

Of course I wanted the clicker back.

But I didn't know where Lou was taking me.

Are you sure we should be here?

I thought you said you
wanted that thing back.

Well, maybe we can wait
and come back during the day.

Are you scared?

Well, yes.

This is it.

How can you be so sure?

I get good information.

Well, we could be bum-rushed.

Ready?

No!

Oh, no.

What is this place?

Document archive for ILP.

ILP?

International Law Partners.

Old man Brimstone, the senior partner,

kicked the bucket yesterday,
doing quite a little twist.

Twist?

Hey, hey, that sounds like my clicker!

ILP's the most powerful and politically
reprehensible law firm in the world.

They represent all
kinds of foul, evil vermin.

That's terrible.

Yeah, worse yet,
they're not even my client.

Wait, wait, look over there.

Give me a drag of that, horsey boy.

On three, ready?

What?

Three!

Stop right now, you fiends!

Who are you?

Victoria.

Lou.

Ashley.

Lou!

Victoria?

Jason, who are you?

I'm Dr. Fez.

And I've come to save you.

Thank you.

Victoria.

Lou.

Jason!

Jason, give it to me.

No, Jason, give it to me.

Give it to me, Jason, if you
know what's good for you.

Jason, give it to me.

I can give you all that
you ever dreamed of.

You could be Errol Flynn.

Errol Flynn?

Living in a mansion.

Hot tubs, cocaine.

Really?

All that's good in America.

I won't have to grovel anymore.

Only if you want to.

Jason, wait.

You called me a fourth-rate schemer.

Jason, Jason, I...

I know I've never said it before, but...

I...

I love you.

Really?

Honey.

Jason, grab it.

Oh, Dr. Fez.

Bitch! You wish you
were half the bitch I am!

Oh! The key! The key, the key!

Where is it?

Over there. Right there. Over there.

There?

Oh, please hurry!

Come on. I want to get the key.

Right in there.

Oh, thank you so much.

Oh, ah, oh, no.

Whoo!

Hello, friend.

I have to ask you a favor.

Can you spell...

Retribution?

So at last I had my beloved clicker back.

Ashley, however, still had
designs for revenge and retribution.

And who am I to deny a kidnapped
victim their sacred right to justice?

Nice to meet you.

Tony, I told you once to not ever
lay your hand on my ass again.

I didn't lay my hand on your ass.

I bumped into you in the
hall. You should be thankful.

Once again, you're overreacting.

You are a pig.

You're lucky.

No, we don't have a problem.

We have a contract, which
means that you have a problem.

It's a little thing called a law.

Look, Lou, I know last
night was your first time,

but I've just got other commitments.

Of course I'll call.

Excuse me.

Victoria.

Ashley?

I want a raise and I want a promotion.

Oh, you got it.

I want a hundredth thou a year.

Are you crazy?

I've never been more serious.

A hundredth thou?

Yeah, and I want it in a good contract too.

You're an aughty cowboy.

I also want the title of
executive vice president.

Ashley, what if...

What if I refuse?

Alright, a hundredth
thou a year, executive VP.

And so, my friends, this
is where the story ends.

I return with my precious
click to my hometown,

that most beautiful of places,

that Baghdad by the bay, San Francisco.

Just remember, my
children, the next time

you look into someone
else's eyes, be aware.

The click is out there.

And if you're lucky,
the click may find you.