All language subtitles for Here We Go s02e02 Grannys Street Fayre.eng

Can you not leave your
jacket just on...?

Well, has it
changed shape or...?

- You shouldn't be eating so many bananas.
- Why?

MEGAPHONE: OK. And now
right a bit, Edgar.

My right, that is.

Oh, now it's come
down on the left.

Yes, thank you. I can see that.

My left, that is.

Yes, it's also my left, Sue.

We're facing the same way.

And no need for the megaphone.

I'm about four feet away.

- Quick as you can, Edgar.
- OK, let's do this.

What? What does that mean?

Keep an eye out
for Blue Hat, Sam.

- Blue hat. - OK.
- With a dog.

Yeah. All right, Dad. I'm on it.

Oh, good. You're selling
the doorstop, finally.

You're selling your Potters?

Don't sell your Potters!

She's selling everything.

If it's not Norway-themed,
she's dumping it.

- Surprised she hasn't dumped me.
- Ha-ha.

These are early editions.
They might be rare.

Rare? It's the best-selling
book series of all time, Dad.

Yeah, well, I'd keep hold
of them if I were you.

Yeah, well, you're not me.

- Thank God.
- Bit harsh.

And you can't dress
like that, by the way.

What? Why not?

You're impersonating a police
officer, which is a crime.

Well, I'm in training to be one.

And you're impersonating a
Norwegian, so leave him alone.

Thank you.

I'm literally just
wearing a jumper.

- Dad, behind you!
- Hmm? - Blue hat! - Huh?

No, that's not blue, Sam.

That's, if anything, teal.

But keep your eyes out.

Yep.

We'll find the sicko.

- Whoa. - Hmm?
- Where'd you get that?

- Toys "R" Us.
- Have a great street fayre, everyone. Stay safe.

See it, say it, s...

Solve it, if you can.

If you can't, come to me.

MIC FEEDBACK

There we go, look.

I now declare this street fayre
officially open for business.

Good luck, everyone.

APPLAUSE

- Stay safe, everyone. Stay safe.
- Yeah!

Anything for me?

No.

Oh, God, what's happening here?

Nothing. I'm just
writing my essay.

No, you're not. You're
looking at computer stands.

Yeah, to help me write. That's
all part of the writing.

- What's in the mail?
- Nothing for you.

- It's all for Granny.
- What, all of it? - Mm-hm.

"Essentially," is that
all you've written?

Well, yeah, no, I've
got lots of notes.

It's all written, in a way.

- It's just not written down.
- Right.

"Which therapeutic techniques."

BOTH: "might best help a
client experiencing stress?"

Yes, that's... it's the title.
Can you go away, please?

RACHEL SIGHS

- Where are the bowls?
- I have no idea.

Your grandmother's tidied,
as in hidden all our things.

Oh, thanks, Edgar.

- Absolutely.
- Shh.

And you, Edgar.

Yeah. Bye, then.

Bye, Edgar.

- Who are you talking to?
- Edgar. - Oh, Edgar?

- Who's Edgar?
- Edgar!

You know Edgar.

Number 53, next to the Rugers.

Who are the Rugers?

Well, you know the
way Edgar and Maeve

used to organise the
street fayre every year.

- Well, I'm doing it this year.
- How have you done this?

You only moved in
about three weeks ago.

Granny, where are the bowls?

Well, I just let everybody
know that I'm now living here.

Yeah, hence why we're getting
sent endless adverts for baths

with doors in them.

- AMY SIGHS, DOORBELL RINGS.
- Well, this is... - BOTH: - Doorbell!

Where are the bowls, Granny?

Ah, now, the bowls
now live up here.

- Uh-huh.
- And the plates are down here, you see? - Right.

- Get down on the floor!
- Ahh! God.

- God, Robin.
- Yeah, you all right?

God, that's enormous.

Oh, that's what Cherry said!

- No, I didn't.
- No, she didn't, actually, no.

It's, yeah, it's a
Methuselah. We're celebrating.

Oh, wow. What are
you celebrating?

- My divorce has come through.
- Oh.

- Yeah, ring the bells. It's official.
- She's back on the market.

- Ding-dong!
- Stop doing that.

- Yeah, sorry.
- Paul, Robin and Cherry are here.

Yeah, I'm just doing my
sample! Hi, Robin and Cherry!

Eh up, Paolo. What...

What, uh, what type
of sample is it, Rach?

Um, it's, you know...

- Don't ask. - A stool.
- What, stool?

- Yeah.
- Poo. He's pooing in a pot.

- Oh. - Gross!
- Yeah. Well, no, he was told to.

- It's not a hobby.
- Sure, that's not one of Paolo's on the drive, is it?

CHERRY LAUGHS

- Is there a stool out there?
- Yeah.

And the rest. It's more
like a bloody armchair.

- SAM: - Probably that dog again.
- Yeah. - Hi, Robin, Cheryl.

- Oh! What a big bottle.
- That's what Cherry said.

- That doesn't work, does it? Hiya, Sue. You all right?
- Hi.

It's a Methuselah of champagne,

because I am now
officially divorced.

- THEY CHEER. - So, yay!
- Ding-dong! - Stop it. - Sorry.

Where are the wine glasses, Sue?

- We're not opening it now, surely.
- It's ten in the morning.

- Yeah, no, but... SAM: - And
you're writing your essay.

- Yeah, but I've got weeks.
- And it's warm, Rach.

- It's not for now.
- Well, then, why did you bring it round?

It won't fit in our fridge, so we
wanted to see if it'd go in yours.

Oh, right. There I was thinking
you wanted to see us. Huh! But no.

- PAUL: - Mum?
- ROBIN: - Oh, well, that's...

Yeah. SAM: - Yeah, I
don't think it'll fit.

Why is your fridge so full?
It's never normally that full.

- I did a big shop.
- Yeah, and I do them too, sometimes.

- Mum, Mum. - Oh, there he is.
- Did you move the scissors?

- Why?
- Oh, they now live in that top drawer there.

- Well, what...
- And what do you need them for? - Huh?

Oh, the pot they gave me was way
too small, so I overfilled it,

and I need to cut
off the excess.

- What do you mean? They're kitchen scissors.
- Eurgh!

Well, I'll wash them afterwards.

Wash them? You'd
have to destroy them.

And did you do it
straight into the pot?

Huh? Is that not right?

- SAM: - No. - No! - Dad!
- You use the scoop. - The scoop?

- SUE: - Yeah.
- PAUL: - Like with ice cream?

On the lid, did you not
read the instructions?

What, on how to
poo? No, I didn't.

- Hmm. - I just figured that you had to fill it direct.
- Oh, my God.

But they wouldn't have given you
a little pot in that case, Dad.

Yeah, they'd have
given you a bucket!

THEY LAUGH

I wouldn't join in, Mum.

What, did you just curl one
out in it like a Mr Whippy?

Mr Whiffy, more like!

Oh, oh, I hope you
put a flake in it!

Can you stop joining in, Mum?!

Mr Whiffy.

I'm your son!

Hey, Paolo, I've got to do a little
sample of my own later today.

A sperm one, though. Not the...

- What, everything all right? Yeah?
- Uh, well, yeah, I hope so.

Dunno, just getting
the old beans checked.

See what's cooking down under.

- Cherry's idea.
- Yeah, I like to know what I'm dealing with.

Yeah. So I'm going down to
the hospital to produce.

Busman's holiday, really.

But... So, what, have you got
a little dodgy tum-tum, is it?

Oh, well, no, the police
medical flagged up

a sensitive stomach issue,

so I need to get it checked out
before my training starts proper.

- You also want to get that dog checked out and all.
- Yeah.

It's definitely got
gut-rot or something.

Dog?

- Yeah.
- Oh, I don't...

That's the third time this week!

Can you not find
out who's dog it is?

Well, not by looking
at its droppings, no.

It's not a Chihuahua. I'll
tell you that for free.

I really need to
catch them at it.

Oh! You need to get one
of them doorbell cameras.

Yeah. You can see everything
and you can speak through it.

You can tell them charity
people to piss off

without even opening the door.

- It's great.
- It really is.

- We could do that.
- No, they are, they are really good.

Speaking of Monsieur Le Whippy,

have I told you my
new business proposal?

- Oh, no!
- No!

Well, strap yourselves in,
boys and girls, because...

- What is it? SAM: - Are
you buying an ice-cream van?

- I am buying an ice-cream van. Well, don't ruin it. Yes.
- Ohh.

Well, Dean is. I'm
just angel investing,

you know, but we'll make a
packet, though, won't we?

The weather we're
having at the moment.

You can park it
outside a school.

- Yeah, or a Weightwatchers, you know?
- Yeah, sorry.

You can, you can bring
it o my street fayre.

Oh, 125% I can, Sue. I'm there.

What is it, like a
little sort of festival?

It's mainly a way for
locals to eat cupcakes

and complain about
ugly loft extensions.

It's not great, historically.

Well, mine is going to be slaps.

- Is it?
- Sunday the 8th at 11.

- We've got zorbs.
- Keep talking.

- A bring-and-buy sale.
- Right. - A main stage.

Oh, yeah, who's performing?

- Well, we've got a boy from number 26...
- Yeah.

Who's brilliant at Hula
Hooping, by all accounts.

- OK.
- And a chap who can walk on his hands.

- Oh, right.
- And anyone's welcome to come

- and sing something if they want.
- Wow.

Hey, you should get
Sam's girlfriend down.

- She's a singer.
- Shut up, she's not my girlfriend.

- His what?
- OK.

- OK.
- Oh, Samuel H Jessop, you naughty little devil.

- Mm.
- That's why you've started washing your hair.

SAM: - No, it isn't.

- Busted!
- Well, she's more than welcome to pitch in.

You all are, actually.

- I mean, Sammy's going to be filming it.
- Yeah.

Paul's policing the
thing, aren't you?

- God, is he?
- Yeah, doing security.

- Big time.
- Actually, I've got some stuff I want to bring and buy.

- As in sell.
- Sell? What do you want to sell?

Just, I want to do
a big clear-out.

Get rid of all my old crap
that's cluttering up my room.

- OK.
- I mean, I've changed a lot since Norway.

I'm sorry, where? Oh,
yeah, that's right.

I mean, if you're so in love with
Norway, why don't you marry it?

Ow!

Yeah, mature, Dad.

- What a mature thing to say.
- Well, I thought it was funny.

Yeah. Anyone else want to
do something? Oh, Rachel?

No, I'm doing my
essay, Sue, so...

- Sorry. - Well, you can do something small, though, surely.
- No can do.

- No.
- It's not for two weeks.

Yeah, and you've pretty
much finished your essay,

- you said to me.
- Yeah, no, I have.

It'll be due in on the Monday,
so it'll be done by then anyway.

So, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I'll do it,
if it's really easy.

- SUE: - Oh, thanks, Rach.
- PAUL: - Good, that's the spirit. - OK.

Fair play.

Dad, look, dog!

Is that...?

- What do you think?
- Maybe 4,000?

- 4,500.
- Thank you.

- And your names?
- Annie and Marley Ruger.

OK. Oh, you're the Rugers.

Oh, yeah, great. We'll
announce the winner later.

Who's the closest so far, Mum?

Um, it's a pound a guess.

What? Mum, it's me.

Oh, my God. Sorry, Sam.

Sorry, what did you say?

How many beans are there?

Oh, I've no idea.

But do you not need to know
that to announce the winner?

Uh... REMIXED ICE-CREAM
VAN MUSIC PLAYS.

- Whoa!
- Here, move the cones, will you, boss?

- Come on.
- I'm sorry, the road's closed.

Yeah, need to break in
the ice-cream van, mate.

Yeah, but this is a hearse.
You can't bring in a hearse.

- Paolo, tell him.
- Tell him what, Robin?

This is a hearse.

It's an ice-cream hearse, sure.

Just let us in. The creams
are melting back here.

Well, have you not got
a fridge or something?

- No. - No, just a sort of table.
- For a coffin.

Yeah, I know what it's for,
anus, just move the cones.

- Anus?
- And it took us ages to get here as well.

That is sort of the
problem with a hearse

is you have to
drive really slowly.

- Right, yeah.
- Look, you can't bring it in here.

People will think
someone's died.

Well, someone will die
if I lose my creams, boy.

- Deano, chill out it, brother.
- All right. Just move the cones, Robin. - Yeah, I've got it.

I've got it. Where
do you want 'em?

The traffic cones.

Yes, yes. Good thinking.

All right, I'm on it. I'm on
it like Wallace and Gromit.

- Come on, then.
- No, no, no. Do not manhandle the cones.

- You're kidding me. - No.
- Are you kidding me? - Gents.

This hearse remains
beyond the boundary.

ROBIN HEAVES

- Gents, can we...?
- N-O. No, no.

- All right, fine. - No. - Oh.
- Oh, come on. That's rid...

He's being a child.

Come on, Paolo. Give us a hand.

Yeah, all right,
I'll go and get Mum.

- SAM: - Not often you hear a police officer say that.
- Mum!

Why haven't you got a van?

It's normally a
van for ice cream.

Oh, is it? I didn't know
that. Well done, genius.

- I mean...
- Let them through, Edgar.

Yes, you see? Thank you, Susan.

- Yes, Sue!
- But it's a hearse, Sue.

And that one called me an anus.

You are an anus.

- See, he's done it again.
- Calm down, Edgar.

That's just Dean being
Dean. Come on, Robin.

Bring it in. I'll
make you space.

Don't worry.

- Sue! Sue!
- Off you pop, anus.

Sue, how many beans are there?

- What's that, love?
- In here, how many beans are there?

I can't say who's got the
closest guess if I don't know.

Oh, yes. Well, um...

Lots, I'd imagine. I mean,
look at the size of it!

Don't you know? Did
you not count them?

I've been run off my feet.

- Oh, God. - And it's not my stall!
- Oh, Sue, don't do this to me, please!

- Oh, God. How many are there?
- Sammy, where's your girlfriend?

She's on next. Meant to be.

She's not my girlfriend, but I
think she's at the archery stall.

Argh!

So she's allowed to do
archery, but I'm not? Argh!

SUE: - Yes. I mean, it's
hardly fair if you do it,

cos you'll clean them out.

All day long.

OK, Deano, bring her through.

Yeah, I've got this.
Deano, come on.

- Bring her through.
- Ready? - Yeah.

I mean, that's all I
was going to do anyway.

Are we doing it together?

- All right.
- Yeah.

- Seems fair.
- Yeah. Just, I dunno what you're adding.

SAM: - OK. And three, four.

? Losing control

? Ooh, ahh

KNOCK ON DOOR

MUSIC STOPS

Hey.

Oh, hey, guys.

Hi. Are you all right?

Yeah, why?

I heard noises. Hi, Cass.

- Hi, Mr Jessop.
- Yeah.

- Were you listening from the landing?
- No.

Yes, is the truth.

I... But also
doing other things.

I've been tidying anyway, so...

I was singing. We're
making a TikTok.

Oh, cool. Very cool.

Yeah. No, Sam said you'd
be singing something

for the street
fayre this weekend.

I think that will be super sick.

Yeah, I'm looking forward to it.

Sick.

I love music.

Love the Foo Fighters. Do
you like the Foo Fighters?

The Foos, Cass?

Can you go away, please?

Yeah, I want to.

I just, just want to check.

You guys are being
careful, right?

- What?
- You know, you...

You know the drill.

What drill?

The being...

Protecting yourselves
and each other.

OK, Dad, please go away.

- This is weird.
- Yeah. Um, yeah.

Just want to say, ba ba ba ba,

if you need to, just, you know,

use these if you need to.

- Please use these.
- Oh, my God, Dad.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry, everyone.

- What did you tell them?
- Sorry!

We're not going out,
you do know that.

Oh, I'm sorry.

You're just helping
me make videos.

I honestly don't
know why he did that.

- Yeah, I should go.
- Sorry.

Please d...

Watch out for the dog poo.

Watch out for the dog poo.
Is that the best you've got?

She was going to tread in it.

Well, it's not exactly "parting
is such sweet sorrow", is it?

Oh, has she gone, Sam?

- Yep.
- Why has she gone?

Dad, do you want
to answer that one?

I said I was sorry, Sam.

Honestly. Well, there she goes,
look. It's amazing, this thing.

- What, you're selling your piano stuff?
- Mm-hm.

Well, don't sell
the bumblebee hat.

I've got pictures of you
in the bumblebee hat.

Yeah, well, I got a new one
from Norway that's newer, so...

- And I never play my keyboard any more, do I?
- Coming through.

- Oh, wow.
- What are you watching?

- Paul?
- Huh? Oh, the doorbell.

What, The Doorbell? Was that
on Netflix or something?

No, it's our actual doorbell.
We've just got a camera one.

He watches it like it's
a really boring film.

Yeah, well, it's better
than Avatar: Way Of Water,

- I can tell you that for free.
- OK.

I'm just keeping an
eye on the driveway.

- Why did you say wow just now?
- Hmm?

Oh, a big lorry went by.

Um, is this chutney?

Chutney? No!

Chutney doesn't
live in the fridge.

No, that's Paul's sample.

- Oh, eurgh!
- God, Dad, that's disgusting!

- It's next to all the food!
- I didn't put it there!

- I didn't put it there!
- Oh... - Oh, Mum!

- SUE: - What?
- PAUL: - I've been looking for that.

I need to take it
to the hospital.

Well, I put it in the
fridge to keep it fresh.

- I'm not sure it was ever fresh.
- Yeah, it's gone off now.

I'm going to have to refill
it later, when I need to.

- Ohh.
- Do keep us posted.

The sample has been compromised.

Oh, dear. You've not written much
of your dealing with stress essay,

- have you, Rachel?
- I know. - I know.

It's almost as if putting
the laptop on a stand

made absolutely no
difference at all.

Oh, yeah, no thanks. Thanks
for pointing that out, Sue.

No, it's fine. Once
I crack the intro,

- it'll all just flow out of me.
- Mm.

I can't find some of my notes,
which has slowed me down a bit.

Oh, I tidied them.

Ooh, Robin and Cherry are here.

I can see them on the camera.

Now, papers and folders and
things now live up here.

- Look, Rachel.
- It's not...

Live just means you've
put them there, Sue.

- Yeah, exactly.
- Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Hello.
- How do you do that?

- We haven't even rung the doorbell yet.
- Aha!

We got one of those
doorbell cameras.

- Oh!
- Yes.

- Love it. - Yes!
- Oh, look, look, Sam.

- Yes, the dog's been. Yes!
- Yeah, he has. - Is that good news?

- He has.
- Yes, it is. Welcome to my web,

said the spider to the
fly. I have you now!

- I have you now. - OK.
- Right.

Not you. Not you, madam.

- All right, Spielberg?
- SAM: - All right. - Not you.

Hello, all! Sorry to barge in.

- Just need to reclaim the Methuselah, if I may.
- Oh, OK.

- Where is it?
- Have you found somewhere to chill it, then?

- Aha!
- Maybe. Right, Kaye's brother works at Currys. - Oh!

So he is going to try and pop it
in one of the big fridges there

- on the sly.
- Ding-dong! Ding...

Stop. I've asked you
to stop doing that.

I know, I just miss doing it.

Your ice-cream van will have a
big fridge in it, won't it, Robin?

It, it... Well,
hmm, it would, yes,

but we're actually struggling to get
hold of a proper van at the moment,

- so we might have to make do with a, you know, car.
- Yeah.

An ice-cream car?

Yeah. I mean, that's
all right, innit?

Is it all right for two men to
cruise around in a car looking

for children to
give ice cream to?

- You think it'd look creepy?
- I do, yeah.

- Definitely.
- That is true.

- Oh, I can see that now.
- It does have to be some sort of van, don't it?

- I can see that now.
- Oh, not, like, not a normal car. - Yeah.

- Yeah, not a Vauxhall Astra, put it that way.
- No.

Sam, Sam, how do I watch the footage
from last night on the doorbell?

- You found it, yet, Sam?
- Yeah, hang on.

I'm just going
through the footage.

RACHEL WHISPERS: I feel
like I'm going mad.

Why are you whispering and
why are we talking out here?

Because Sam will film us when
we set foot inside the house.

OK, fair enough.

- What's the problem?
- Your mother is the problem.

I can't take it.

Being friends with the
neighbours, constant cleaning,

the putting things away.

Do you mean the house being clean
and tidy for the first time ever?

Yeah. Which is fine and good.
I'm not being ungrateful.

It's just she's doing everything.
It's like I've been replaced.

I wouldn't be surprised if she
started sleeping next to you

- and trying to breast-feed Sam.
- Don't be ridiculous. - Well...

- I have to say something.
- Please don't.

It will really upset
her, Rach. Please.

Well, can you at least
have that talk with Sam?

Cass is in his room right now.

- Yes. Yes, I will. I know.
- Yeah.

Relax. I've got this, babe.

You know, I'm really good
in these situations...

Hurry up, Sam, I need my laptop.

Yeah, sorry. I'm just, I'm
going through the footage.

I'll be two seconds.

Oh, hang on.

What? Sam, what is it?

I think I've got something.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Someone at 5:30am.

Ha-ha! That'll be it!

OK. Come on. Let's see the perp.

Perpetrator.

No, it can't be them, look.
They've not got a dog.

Well, hang on, hang on, hang on.

Oh, my God.

They're emptying the bag.

The dog didn't even do it there!

No!

What the hell is going on?!

- I mean, that's like terrorism, in a way.
- Oh, my God.

- Who is it?
- You can't really tell.

- Wow, look at them go.
- Enhance.

- Can you enhance?
- I'll try and zoom in.

- Hang on.
- Yeah.

Someone in a blue hat.

Wow.

That's the last blue
hat they'll ever wear.

Dad, blue hat!

Wow.

It's all melting!

Melt in the mouth, sure.

That's already melted,
before the mouth.

Why do you care
about it so much?

Because we got it together.

- Well, yeah, but that's OK, isn't it?
- I mean, I was the one who bought it.

Well, no, no, it's not OK.

Just cause it didn't happen
in Norway doesn't mean

- it's not worth remembering.
- I'm not saying that. I'm...

Sorry, OK. You're
right. I'll keep it.

Sorry. This isn't for sale.

Thank you. Sorry about that.

And I really do love that bag.

Yeah.

No.

Me too, actually.

Sorry, can I just grab that?

I've decided to keep it.

Do you want a hand, Rach, or
is it not that kind of thing?

I'm just counting beans,
Robin, so I can't really talk.

Well, speaking of which,

I just got my bean
count back from the lab.

- OK. - Uh-oh. If you're interested.
- Oh, what is it?

It's my... my sample.

- Oh.
- The old Count Spermula.

Sperm count.

It's... No, it's not
ideal, truth be told.

Not as many as you'd like

of the old little fellas.

- I blame the cycling.
- Oh, do you?

I mean, I'm beating
the jar, I reckon,

bean for bean, but...

Well, it's tight, actually.
How many are in there?

I'm trying to find out, Robin. Can
you stop talking about your sperm?

- Sorry. - It's really not helping.
- Yeah, it's just so acidic.

Oh... Nothing wrong
with the agglutination.

Agglutination is absolutely...

That's flying off the charts.

But I think, if anything, that's
what's making them sluggish.

- Sam, have you seen my harp?
- What? What do you mean?

Well, someone's bought her harp.

- Surely that's a good thing.
- No, I want it back.

I'm keeping it. All of it.

I've decided, for now.

- What about all the Norway stuff?
- It's going in the loft.

The Viking invasion
has been defeated.

Well, Cass is about to start and
I've got to film it, so go away.

Right, helpful.

APPLAUSE

Thank you, Uno.

- There he goes. On his feet this time.
- PAUL: - Ha-ha.

And now, a very talented
young singer and lady,

the wonderful Cass!

Go, Cass!

APPLAUSE

All right, Pin Oak Court
street fayre. Let me hear you!

Yeah!

? Ooh, ah, losing control

? Heart's racing fast

? Neon lights
Hoping they last...

- Huh?
- ? Lips shining...

- Dad! Dad!
- What?

Look, Dad!

- Huh?
- Look!

Blue hat!

? Here to stay, here
to stay now... ?

- Edgar?
- Yeah.

It was Edgar all along.

He's Keyser Soze.

- Who? Who's that?
- Edgar.

No, Dad, don't confront him now.

- OK.
- God.

- You put poo on my drive.
- No, I didn't.

Don't you dare deny
it. I know it was you.

I've got proof.

You emptied dog waste outside
our house wearing that hat.

Where are you going?

Come back here, please.

- What are you doing?
- Edgar, no. - Unhand me.

- No.
- Rachel, tell him to unhand me.

I'm counting, Edgar.
Please don't talk to me!

I don't know what
you're talking about.

Now, if you'll just let me go.

- OK, OK.
- Thank you.

You leave me no option.

What does that mean?

I'm arresting you for placing
dog faeces on my drive.

You can't arrest me.
You're not a policeman.

Yet. I'm about to
do the training.

- So you can't arrest me YET.
- OK, then.

It's a citiz-iz-en's
arrest, then. Citizen's.

You are hereby under
citizen's arrest.

You do not have to say anything,

but anything you do say will
be taken down in evidence.

- That's not right, is it?
- OK, now what?

What? What do you mean?

Well, now I'm under citizen's
arrest, what happens next?

Do you get your citizen's
police car to take me

to the citizen's police station?

Well, I dunno.

Perhaps I'll citizen's
arrest you back.

Well, that's not a thing, is it?

- I dunno.
- To counteract your citizen's arrest.

Well, that can't be right.

I'm going to Google
citizen's arrest, hang on.

Oh, God. I mean, it's
frankly a load of rot.

- Well...
- Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got zorbs to inflate.

- No, no, no, no, no! - Hey, hey!
- You're going nowhere, sunshine.

Ah! The table, the
table. No, no, no, no!

What's all this hoo-ha?

- Do not kettle me. OK?
- Just admit it.

No, the beans, Paul!

Just admit that you put
dog poo on my driveway.

It was not your driveway,

it was hers!

- What?
- Me?

You've got nothing
to do with it.

Yes, you!

Coming here, taking over
the residents' association,

the street fayre, everything.

It's like a bloody coup.

A Sue-coup!

I put it on HER drive.

Well, that is OUR drive!
She lives with us.

Well, I didn't know that!

I didn't even know you
lived in this street.

We've lived here for 15 years.

- Do you even own a dog?
- My brother has a chow-chow

called Dominic. He supplied
the poo in the bags.

Ah, the perfect crime.

Now, if you'd just kindly... Ah!

- Ah! - I didn't touch him.
- Oh, God, it was the beans. - I didn't touch him.

- He slipped on the beans!
- Hell's bells, my back!

OK, I've got you. I've got you.

- No, don't lift me. I've got a herniated disk.
- Oh.

Get the stretcher.

I didn't hire a stretcher!

ROBIN: - OK, it's all right,
Sue, I can get him home.

- Just bear with me a sec.
- Uh... - Deano!

Sam, what the hell
are you doing?

You're meant to be filming
me, not whatever that is.

- I'm really sorry.
- That's, like, the only reason I'm doing this,

you selfish knob.

- You're dumped.
- What?

But I thought we
weren't even going out.

We weren't.

OK, I'm really
confused. Sorry for...

I can film it now if you
want to do it again? Cass!

- ROBIN: - Well, you
deserve that, you anus.

- Ow, careful of my feet!
- All right, all right.

Load him in. Load him in.

Slide, slide.

That's it.

- Oh, God, this is hateful.
- OK.

There we go. Job's a good 'un.

What is it, hospital,
is it, or home?

Just take me straight to
the morgue, why don't you?

Hi, excuse me, sorry,
I just want that back.

Here's your refund.
Thank you. Sorry!

- ICE-CREAM VAN MUSIC PLAYS.
- Ah! Turn it down!

My head's by the speaker.

Oh, chill out, anus.

3,821, 3,822, 3,833.

I am sorry about all this.

What? What do you mean?

The beans, the
tidying, everything.

I know I can be a bit, like
Edgar said, interfering.

No, Sue, don't pay any attention
to Edgar. Of course you're not.

You would tell me, wouldn't
you, if I was overdoing it?

Yes.

Um...

Sue, we all feel very
lucky to have you here.

Your interference is
only a good thing.

I promise.

Although having said that,

I have now forgotten
what number I was on.

Oh, I'll do this.
I like counting.

- Oh, are you sure?
- You do need to do your essay at some point.

Yes, no, I know that,
Sam! I know that.

I just don't want to.

And please, can you
stop filming me?

- Because it's really not helping.
- OK, chill.

I can have a look, if you like.

Oh, oh, God, Maya, really?
You sure you don't mind?

Yeah, I've got time to kill while
Amy's boxing up her Norway crap.

Thank you!

OK, so I need 4,000 words.

Right, what have you got so far?

Hey, dude.

Sorry about your

not girlfriend, but Cass.

Right. Yeah.

You can probably have
the condoms back.

Don't need them now.

Anyway, she wasn't
very nice to me, so...

Oh, I know.

I know.

You can do way better
than her, mate, you know?

Come here.

- Oh!
- Oh, don't hug me while you've got your pot!

Why have you got that?

Oh, yeah, sorry. Um...

There's one last
thing we need to do.

Stay low, Sam.

Stay low, stay low.

I mean, this is horrible.

It's justice, Sam.

See how he likes it.

At least his was from a dog.

What number is Edgar again?

- 53.
- Right.

Well, this is 51.

It... What?

You have to pick it up, Dad.

You can't leave poo on some
random person's driveway!

How is that justice?

I know, I'm thinking!

- Wait, oh, my God!
- What?

Oh, they've got a
doorbell camera.

Run, Sam, run!

Ah! Come on, Sam!

? Mm-mm, ah

? Losing control -
Close to the edge

? Close to the edge
- Losing control

? Losing control -
Your touch is the fire

- ? Your touch is the fire.
- Igniting my soul

? Igniting my soul
- Close to the edge

? Close to the edge
- Losing control

? Losing control -
Your touch is the fire

- ? Your touch is the fire.
- Igniting my soul

? Igniting my soul. ?

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