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1
00:00:01,460 --> 00:00:04,270
- I'm funnier than he is, but
they told me to introduce him.
2
00:00:04,270 --> 00:00:08,040
Here's Jeff Dunham!
3
00:00:08,040 --> 00:00:11,010
[upbeat rock music]
4
00:00:11,010 --> 00:00:17,680
♪ ♪
5
00:00:21,050 --> 00:00:24,050
- Well, welcome to my
Valentine's Day special and...
6
00:00:24,050 --> 00:00:26,820
[cheers and applause]
7
00:00:26,820 --> 00:00:28,520
There are at least two things
in this world
8
00:00:28,520 --> 00:00:30,290
that I know are
completely universal.
9
00:00:30,290 --> 00:00:34,560
We all need love and laughter.
10
00:00:34,560 --> 00:00:37,470
Audrey and I have now been
married for 11 and 1/2 years,
11
00:00:37,470 --> 00:00:40,100
and I, I am the luckiest man
on the planet.
12
00:00:40,100 --> 00:00:41,600
I say that every single day.
13
00:00:41,600 --> 00:00:43,470
Yeah, and--
14
00:00:45,310 --> 00:00:46,540
But now the world turns,
15
00:00:46,540 --> 00:00:48,240
and I have twin boys,
Jack and James.
16
00:00:48,240 --> 00:00:50,280
They are eight years of age.
17
00:00:50,280 --> 00:00:52,980
[cheers and applause]
Yeah, thanks.
18
00:00:52,980 --> 00:00:54,180
But you know, with the kids,
19
00:00:54,180 --> 00:00:55,620
you never know
what you're going to get.
20
00:00:55,620 --> 00:00:57,820
There's some DNA mixed in with
how you raise them.
21
00:00:57,820 --> 00:00:59,290
No matter what you do,
they could turn out
22
00:00:59,290 --> 00:01:03,260
to be little shits anyway, so.
23
00:01:03,260 --> 00:01:05,960
But at age eight,
all kids are sponges.
24
00:01:05,960 --> 00:01:07,830
You know, they hear stuff,
and they repeat it
25
00:01:07,830 --> 00:01:09,000
whether they should or not.
26
00:01:09,000 --> 00:01:10,500
And if I had known
earlier in life
27
00:01:10,500 --> 00:01:12,300
than later in life
I was gonna have more kids,
28
00:01:12,300 --> 00:01:14,000
I might not have said
some of the things I did
29
00:01:14,000 --> 00:01:17,840
in some of
my stand-up specials.
30
00:01:17,840 --> 00:01:19,010
There's a couple of specials
31
00:01:19,010 --> 00:01:23,550
where Peanut imitates
porno music.
32
00:01:23,550 --> 00:01:25,750
And I'm not kidding, I don't
know how many times I've caught
33
00:01:25,750 --> 00:01:27,780
James walking through
the house all by himself,
34
00:01:27,780 --> 00:01:32,520
and he's going
♪ boom, chicka, wow, wow ♪
35
00:01:32,520 --> 00:01:34,090
And you know I'm gonna get
that call from school.
36
00:01:34,090 --> 00:01:37,330
"Mr. Dunham, James has been
imitating pornographic music."
37
00:01:37,330 --> 00:01:39,160
I'm like, "oh, yeah,
he got that from his mom.
38
00:01:39,160 --> 00:01:43,360
I have no idea
where that came from, so."
39
00:01:43,360 --> 00:01:44,900
Speaking of love,
are you guys ready for
40
00:01:44,900 --> 00:01:46,330
the little people in the boxes?
41
00:01:46,330 --> 00:01:49,470
[cheers and applause]
All right.
42
00:01:51,110 --> 00:01:54,810
In classical mythology,
Cupid is the god of desire,
43
00:01:54,810 --> 00:01:57,810
erotic love, attraction,
and affection.
44
00:01:57,810 --> 00:02:01,420
So ladies and gentlemen,
please help me welcome Cupid.
45
00:02:01,420 --> 00:02:04,390
[upbeat rock music]
46
00:02:04,390 --> 00:02:07,690
♪ ♪
47
00:02:07,690 --> 00:02:11,890
[laughter]
48
00:02:11,890 --> 00:02:18,730
[cheers and applause]
49
00:02:18,730 --> 00:02:22,240
- Shut the hell up.
50
00:02:22,240 --> 00:02:25,340
[mocking laughter]
51
00:02:29,480 --> 00:02:33,780
You know how much
I hate you right now.
52
00:02:33,780 --> 00:02:37,690
- Hello, Cupid.
- I'm Walter, damn it.
53
00:02:37,690 --> 00:02:39,520
- Yeah, but tonight
you're supposed to be Cupid.
54
00:02:39,520 --> 00:02:41,520
- I'd rather be
working at Walmart.
55
00:02:41,520 --> 00:02:44,130
- [chuckles]
Just play along.
56
00:02:44,130 --> 00:02:46,530
- [mockingly] Just play along.
57
00:02:49,600 --> 00:02:52,570
- So Valentine's Day is a busy
time for you, isn't it, Cupid?
58
00:02:52,570 --> 00:02:58,140
- This qualifies as
elder abuse.
59
00:02:58,140 --> 00:02:59,540
- It looks like you're ready to
60
00:02:59,540 --> 00:03:01,610
get to work for Valentine's
Day. Are you feeling OK?
61
00:03:01,610 --> 00:03:05,550
- No, I'm half naked and
my nipples are chapped.
62
00:03:05,550 --> 00:03:11,620
And what kind of costume is
wings and Depends?
63
00:03:11,620 --> 00:03:13,960
These lights are too bright.
Put my sunglasses on.
64
00:03:13,960 --> 00:03:14,990
- You want sunglasses?
65
00:03:14,990 --> 00:03:16,190
- Put on the damn sunglasses.
66
00:03:16,190 --> 00:03:17,490
It's too bright out here.
67
00:03:17,490 --> 00:03:18,660
Whatever, just put 'em on me.
68
00:03:18,660 --> 00:03:19,790
Oh, you're gonna blind me.
69
00:03:19,790 --> 00:03:22,400
What the hell is wrong
with you?
70
00:03:22,400 --> 00:03:24,530
- There.
- Oh, ah, much better.
71
00:03:24,530 --> 00:03:29,000
[cheers and applause]
72
00:03:29,000 --> 00:03:31,110
Look, Ray-Bans and Depends.
73
00:03:31,110 --> 00:03:34,910
I'm Joe Biden!
74
00:03:38,950 --> 00:03:43,820
[cackling laugh]
75
00:03:43,820 --> 00:03:46,090
I'm president
and I can't get up.
76
00:03:46,090 --> 00:03:48,660
- Will you stop?
77
00:03:51,260 --> 00:03:52,560
Walter--
- Ah, come on.
78
00:03:52,560 --> 00:03:54,430
Folks say I look like him
all the time.
79
00:03:54,430 --> 00:03:56,060
- Yeah, they do.
- Yeah, they're like,
80
00:03:56,060 --> 00:03:57,630
"are you Joe Biden?"
81
00:03:57,630 --> 00:03:58,930
I wouldn't want
to disappoint them,
82
00:03:58,930 --> 00:04:02,770
so I say, "I don't know,"
and they believe me!
83
00:04:04,610 --> 00:04:07,340
- I'm taking these off.
- Well, that was easy.
84
00:04:07,340 --> 00:04:08,940
- So as Cupid, your job is
to go around
85
00:04:08,940 --> 00:04:10,810
shooting arrows into
people's hearts,
86
00:04:10,810 --> 00:04:12,880
which then makes them
fall in love, right?
87
00:04:12,880 --> 00:04:15,920
- Yeah, yeah. Love, lust,
whatever you want to call it.
88
00:04:15,920 --> 00:04:19,050
- Oh. So what's the difference
between love and lust?
89
00:04:19,050 --> 00:04:21,620
- 50 bucks.
90
00:04:25,830 --> 00:04:28,100
Less in certain
parts of Florida.
91
00:04:28,100 --> 00:04:31,230
- Oh.
92
00:04:31,230 --> 00:04:33,940
Yeah, and why do
you shoot arrows?
93
00:04:33,940 --> 00:04:36,700
- I don't know,
TSA took my Glock.
94
00:04:36,700 --> 00:04:39,640
How about that?
[grumbles]
95
00:04:39,640 --> 00:04:41,040
- Let's talk about
relationships.
96
00:04:41,040 --> 00:04:44,010
- Oh, I am an expert on that.
- OK.
97
00:04:44,010 --> 00:04:47,180
So how should a man approach
a woman he's attracted to?
98
00:04:47,180 --> 00:04:50,280
- From the rear.
- No.
99
00:04:52,750 --> 00:04:55,190
- And with the size of
some of the asses these days,
100
00:04:55,190 --> 00:04:59,530
that could be considered
a long distance relationship.
101
00:05:02,930 --> 00:05:04,800
- So, Cupid, aren't greeting
cards a good way
102
00:05:04,800 --> 00:05:06,330
of expressing your love
for someone?
103
00:05:06,330 --> 00:05:08,870
- Oh, sure, yeah, greeting
cards are good for anybody.
104
00:05:08,870 --> 00:05:10,740
In fact,
I've written a few myself.
105
00:05:10,740 --> 00:05:13,140
- Some greeting cards?
Can you recite a couple for us?
106
00:05:13,140 --> 00:05:14,510
- Sure.
107
00:05:14,510 --> 00:05:16,680
- Do you have one for
longtime married couples?
108
00:05:16,680 --> 00:05:19,180
- Oh, absolutely. Here we go.
[clears throat]
109
00:05:19,180 --> 00:05:22,920
"Our love all these years has
been a blissful occurrence.
110
00:05:22,920 --> 00:05:26,450
I wish you would die so I could
collect the insurance."
111
00:05:32,290 --> 00:05:33,760
- No.
- OK.
112
00:05:33,760 --> 00:05:35,530
How about one
for younger couples?
113
00:05:35,530 --> 00:05:37,270
- Younger couples, great.
- OK.
114
00:05:37,270 --> 00:05:39,730
"Meeting you was amazing luck,
115
00:05:39,730 --> 00:05:42,170
and I think of that most
each time that we--"
116
00:05:42,170 --> 00:05:45,970
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
117
00:05:45,970 --> 00:05:49,580
- "Have dinner." What did
you think I was gonna say?
118
00:05:49,580 --> 00:05:52,550
You're a bad man.
119
00:05:52,550 --> 00:05:53,920
- So how is your love life?
120
00:05:53,920 --> 00:05:55,420
- Oh, you mean
me as Walter and--
121
00:05:55,420 --> 00:05:56,680
and with the wife?
- Yeah.
122
00:05:56,680 --> 00:05:58,820
- Well, things are different
at our age.
123
00:05:58,820 --> 00:06:00,120
- I'm sure.
- Yeah.
124
00:06:00,120 --> 00:06:01,560
We're actually kinkier now.
125
00:06:01,560 --> 00:06:02,720
- OK, I don't want
to hear about it.
126
00:06:02,720 --> 00:06:04,690
- Yeah, now she offers me
the choice:
127
00:06:04,690 --> 00:06:07,130
teeth in or teeth out.
128
00:06:13,300 --> 00:06:15,870
Trust me, you'll see.
- OK.
129
00:06:17,810 --> 00:06:19,140
Well, I'm glad you're happy.
130
00:06:19,140 --> 00:06:20,510
- I didn't say that.
131
00:06:20,510 --> 00:06:22,140
- Do you ever tell your wife
that you love her?
132
00:06:22,140 --> 00:06:23,340
- Of course I do.
133
00:06:23,340 --> 00:06:24,410
- How often do you tell her?
- Once.
134
00:06:24,410 --> 00:06:27,150
- A day?
- A year.
135
00:06:27,150 --> 00:06:30,950
- Well, that's not very much.
- It adds up.
136
00:06:30,950 --> 00:06:32,890
- I guess you tell her
on Valentine's Day?
137
00:06:32,890 --> 00:06:34,120
- No.
- Mother's Day?
138
00:06:34,120 --> 00:06:35,090
- No.
- Christmas?
139
00:06:35,090 --> 00:06:37,990
- April Fools.
140
00:06:39,730 --> 00:06:41,060
I'm kidding.
- Good.
141
00:06:41,060 --> 00:06:45,030
- Yeah, I tell her
every February 29th.
142
00:06:46,930 --> 00:06:48,800
- Let's talk about romance.
- Oh, great.
143
00:06:48,800 --> 00:06:50,640
- All right.
Just some simple things.
144
00:06:50,640 --> 00:06:52,510
Do you and your wife
ever watch movies together?
145
00:06:52,510 --> 00:06:54,780
- Yeah, she wants to
watch our wedding movies.
146
00:06:54,780 --> 00:06:56,510
- That's nice.
- I can't do it.
147
00:06:56,510 --> 00:07:00,250
- Why not?
- I know what happens next.
148
00:07:00,250 --> 00:07:02,320
- So when you proposed,
did you get down on one knee?
149
00:07:02,320 --> 00:07:03,450
- Yeah, I had to.
150
00:07:03,450 --> 00:07:07,290
I didn't want to
look her in the eye.
151
00:07:07,290 --> 00:07:09,120
Say, I got a joke-joke for you.
152
00:07:09,120 --> 00:07:12,390
What does Disney World
have in common with Viagra?
153
00:07:12,390 --> 00:07:13,690
- I don't know, what?
154
00:07:13,690 --> 00:07:16,660
- An hour-long wait
for a two-minute ride.
155
00:07:24,970 --> 00:07:27,240
- You're not gonna start
telling joke-jokes now,
156
00:07:27,240 --> 00:07:28,610
are you?
- Oh, sure.
157
00:07:28,610 --> 00:07:30,080
I'll do some wife jokes
and get you canceled.
158
00:07:30,080 --> 00:07:31,480
- Walter--
- Hang on, hang on.
159
00:07:31,480 --> 00:07:34,450
My wife is so ugly.
160
00:07:34,450 --> 00:07:37,050
crowd: How ugly is she?
161
00:07:37,050 --> 00:07:42,160
- She sat on her iPhone
and it unlocked.
162
00:07:42,160 --> 00:07:43,360
That's butt ugly.
163
00:07:43,360 --> 00:07:45,660
- We got it.
- OK.
164
00:07:45,660 --> 00:07:47,560
Calm down, though,
it's not one sided.
165
00:07:47,560 --> 00:07:49,330
- How's that?
- Every Valentine's Day,
166
00:07:49,330 --> 00:07:52,300
she gets me sweetheart candies
with sayings on them.
167
00:07:52,300 --> 00:07:53,670
- Oh, like "be mine"?
168
00:07:53,670 --> 00:07:57,840
- No, no.
"Do not resuscitate."
169
00:07:57,840 --> 00:07:59,170
I will say, though,
170
00:07:59,170 --> 00:08:01,310
we did go to a marriage
counselor one time.
171
00:08:01,310 --> 00:08:02,440
- You did?
- Oh, yeah.
172
00:08:02,440 --> 00:08:04,010
He said I should
take my wife out
173
00:08:04,010 --> 00:08:06,150
and treat her like I did
on our first date.
174
00:08:06,150 --> 00:08:07,950
- Sounds like a good idea.
- Yeah.
175
00:08:07,950 --> 00:08:09,850
So I took her to dinner,
felt her up,
176
00:08:09,850 --> 00:08:13,750
then dropped her off
at her parents' house.
177
00:08:15,260 --> 00:08:17,560
- But despite that kind of
stuff, the love life is OK?
178
00:08:17,560 --> 00:08:19,060
- Yeah, we do our best.
179
00:08:19,060 --> 00:08:21,830
We tried role playing with
a little French maid outfit.
180
00:08:21,830 --> 00:08:23,530
- Ooh, how'd that go?
181
00:08:23,530 --> 00:08:25,330
- Uh, she said
it was too tight.
182
00:08:25,330 --> 00:08:27,840
- Ah.
- And my accent was bad.
183
00:08:32,640 --> 00:08:35,210
See, I put the maid outfit on.
184
00:08:35,210 --> 00:08:37,140
- They got it.
185
00:08:37,140 --> 00:08:38,980
- And then I had her put it on.
- OK.
186
00:08:38,980 --> 00:08:40,480
- Not because it was sexy.
187
00:08:40,480 --> 00:08:41,550
I thought she might...
- Walter.
188
00:08:41,550 --> 00:08:42,550
- Finally...
- Walter.
189
00:08:42,550 --> 00:08:43,580
- Do some...
- Walter.
190
00:08:43,580 --> 00:08:48,160
- Fucking housework.
- Walter!
191
00:08:50,990 --> 00:08:52,930
You really are trying
to get me canceled.
192
00:08:52,930 --> 00:08:54,960
- No, I'm trying to get
my fucking house cleaned.
193
00:08:54,960 --> 00:08:57,970
- Please!
194
00:08:57,970 --> 00:08:59,500
Say good night, Walter.
195
00:08:59,500 --> 00:09:01,540
- Thanks, Tampa Bay!
196
00:09:01,540 --> 00:09:02,940
- Thanks, Walter.
197
00:09:02,940 --> 00:09:04,540
[cheers and applause]
198
00:09:06,580 --> 00:09:08,420
- This next guy is from
somewhere down south in the US.
199
00:09:08,420 --> 00:09:10,750
Please help me welcome Bubba J.
200
00:09:10,750 --> 00:09:13,760
[upbeat rock music]
201
00:09:13,760 --> 00:09:16,090
[cheers and applause]
202
00:09:16,090 --> 00:09:17,730
- [chortles]
203
00:09:17,730 --> 00:09:21,800
- How you doing Bubba J?
- I'm doing purdy good!
204
00:09:24,130 --> 00:09:25,930
- So what's been going on
with you lately?
205
00:09:25,930 --> 00:09:28,900
- Well, last week I went to
my best friend's wedding.
206
00:09:28,900 --> 00:09:30,310
- That's nice.
- Yeah.
207
00:09:30,310 --> 00:09:35,240
It was a combination wedding
and gender reveal party.
208
00:09:35,240 --> 00:09:36,810
- Oh.
- Yeah.
209
00:09:36,810 --> 00:09:41,520
He was very happy to find out
that she really was a woman.
210
00:09:49,160 --> 00:09:55,130
Yeah, always a nail-biter,
right, guys?
211
00:09:55,130 --> 00:09:57,470
- And how's your family?
- They're all good.
212
00:09:57,470 --> 00:10:01,140
- Yeah, and, uh,
what's your wife's name?
213
00:10:01,140 --> 00:10:04,240
- Uh...
214
00:10:04,240 --> 00:10:05,310
- Bubba J?
215
00:10:05,310 --> 00:10:08,740
- Oh, no, that's my name.
216
00:10:08,740 --> 00:10:10,710
- But she's doing well?
- Yeah, she's great.
217
00:10:10,710 --> 00:10:11,950
- You two have a lot
in common, don't you?
218
00:10:11,950 --> 00:10:13,820
- Yeah, we're made
for each other.
219
00:10:13,820 --> 00:10:15,220
- I bet.
- Yeah, you know,
220
00:10:15,220 --> 00:10:19,820
we both got the exact same
results in our DNA tests.
221
00:10:24,360 --> 00:10:26,860
- Bubba J, how can you be
so smart on one hand,
222
00:10:26,860 --> 00:10:28,700
and so stupid on the other?
223
00:10:28,700 --> 00:10:31,770
- Well, you're half of it.
224
00:10:35,870 --> 00:10:37,340
- Well, you know, Bubba J,
during the show tonight
225
00:10:37,340 --> 00:10:40,210
we've been talking about
that romantic day in February.
226
00:10:40,210 --> 00:10:43,780
- Yeah, Groundhog Day.
227
00:10:43,780 --> 00:10:46,120
- No, it's a romantic day.
- Romantic?
228
00:10:46,120 --> 00:10:48,780
- Yeah, February 14th is
the day for lovers.
229
00:10:48,780 --> 00:10:51,750
- Oh. [chortles]
Lovers.
230
00:10:51,750 --> 00:10:57,690
You mean the day you watch
the no-no channels?
231
00:10:57,690 --> 00:10:59,260
- The no-no channels?
- Yes.
232
00:10:59,260 --> 00:11:04,030
Like, "no-no, you're not
doing that to me."
233
00:11:06,030 --> 00:11:07,470
- No.
- No, not "no."
234
00:11:07,470 --> 00:11:10,740
It's no-no.
[giggling]
235
00:11:10,740 --> 00:11:14,810
- I'm talking about romance.
- So am I.
236
00:11:14,810 --> 00:11:16,110
- Do you and your wife
ever watch
237
00:11:16,110 --> 00:11:19,010
actual sweet romantic movies?
- Like what?
238
00:11:19,010 --> 00:11:21,220
- You know, things like
where the guy gets the girl.
239
00:11:21,220 --> 00:11:23,190
- Oh, yeah,
like Freddy Krueger?
240
00:11:23,190 --> 00:11:24,820
Oh, yeah, yeah.
241
00:11:24,820 --> 00:11:26,260
- No.
- I don't know.
242
00:11:26,260 --> 00:11:28,420
- Come on, what first
attracted you to your wife?
243
00:11:28,420 --> 00:11:30,590
- Well, she's really hot.
244
00:11:30,590 --> 00:11:31,660
- OK.
- Yeah.
245
00:11:31,660 --> 00:11:33,230
And she's really big.
- Oh.
246
00:11:33,230 --> 00:11:37,570
- Yeah, so it was gravity.
- Yeah--oh.
247
00:11:37,570 --> 00:11:43,240
- Yeah, if she spins around too
fast, she'll suck you right in.
248
00:11:43,240 --> 00:11:44,910
- And how's the romance
between you two?
249
00:11:44,910 --> 00:11:45,910
- Oh, it's purdy good.
250
00:11:45,910 --> 00:11:47,340
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
251
00:11:47,340 --> 00:11:52,250
In fact, one of your little
boys taught me something.
252
00:11:52,250 --> 00:11:53,280
- What's that?
253
00:11:53,280 --> 00:11:56,720
- ♪ Boom, chicka, wow, wow ♪
254
00:12:01,460 --> 00:12:02,790
- So when you proposed,
255
00:12:02,790 --> 00:12:05,060
did you ask her father
for her hand in marriage?
256
00:12:05,060 --> 00:12:07,600
- I sure did.
I called him up and I go,
257
00:12:07,600 --> 00:12:12,000
"hey, Uncle Phil,
it's me, Bubba J."
258
00:12:17,070 --> 00:12:19,340
And you know our wedding
was half the cost
259
00:12:19,340 --> 00:12:21,710
of the average wedding.
- How's that?
260
00:12:21,710 --> 00:12:24,110
- Huh! Just one family.
261
00:12:31,390 --> 00:12:34,890
Yeah, the whole left side
of the church was empty.
262
00:12:34,890 --> 00:12:37,260
- Oh. [chuckles]
263
00:12:37,260 --> 00:12:39,230
You ever go out with your wife
for a romantic evening
264
00:12:39,230 --> 00:12:41,360
and whisper sweet nothings
in her ear?
265
00:12:41,360 --> 00:12:42,930
- What's a sweet nothing?
266
00:12:42,930 --> 00:12:44,100
Oh, I know.
267
00:12:44,100 --> 00:12:47,940
[whispering]
Diet Coke.
268
00:12:47,940 --> 00:12:49,970
- No, sweet nothings are
just flattering things
269
00:12:49,970 --> 00:12:51,970
that you say softly
to someone you love.
270
00:12:51,970 --> 00:12:53,480
- Oh, yeah, like,
271
00:12:53,480 --> 00:12:58,580
[whispering]
"you're as hot as your mother."
272
00:12:58,580 --> 00:13:00,120
Hey, hey!
273
00:13:00,120 --> 00:13:04,650
He thinks this crap up, not me.
274
00:13:04,650 --> 00:13:08,660
My wife is beautiful, though.
- That's very sweet.
275
00:13:08,660 --> 00:13:10,460
And what makes her beautiful?
276
00:13:10,460 --> 00:13:13,830
- Six beers.
- No.
277
00:13:13,830 --> 00:13:15,830
- OK, less if the light is dim.
278
00:13:15,830 --> 00:13:17,530
- All right. [laughs]
279
00:13:17,530 --> 00:13:19,940
And how dim should it be
for you to look good to her?
280
00:13:19,940 --> 00:13:23,840
- [chortles]
Total frickin' darkness.
281
00:13:23,840 --> 00:13:25,240
- How's the rest of
your family doing?
282
00:13:25,240 --> 00:13:26,740
- They're good.
- How's your sister?
283
00:13:26,740 --> 00:13:28,040
- She just got married.
284
00:13:28,040 --> 00:13:30,080
- Oh, really? So she got hit
by Cupid's arrow.
285
00:13:30,080 --> 00:13:31,210
- [chuckles]
No.
286
00:13:31,210 --> 00:13:35,080
Our yard guy needed
citizenship.
287
00:13:39,760 --> 00:13:41,120
- That's not right.
288
00:13:41,120 --> 00:13:42,820
- You think they'll leave
that joke in your show?
289
00:13:42,820 --> 00:13:44,830
- I--
290
00:13:44,830 --> 00:13:46,060
I doubt it.
291
00:13:46,060 --> 00:13:51,270
- Olé!
- All right.
292
00:13:51,270 --> 00:13:52,830
So I know your birthday
is coming up.
293
00:13:52,830 --> 00:13:54,100
You're gonna get a little TLC?
294
00:13:54,100 --> 00:13:59,310
- [chortles]
Jeff, it's spelled KFC.
295
00:13:59,310 --> 00:14:00,780
You should come over
next weekend.
296
00:14:00,780 --> 00:14:02,240
I'm barbecuing a turkey.
297
00:14:02,240 --> 00:14:03,880
- Oh, you love doing that,
don't you?
298
00:14:03,880 --> 00:14:05,350
- Yeah, and we may or may not
299
00:14:05,350 --> 00:14:07,520
have some skinny dipping
going on.
300
00:14:07,520 --> 00:14:08,820
- Really?
- Oh, yeah.
301
00:14:08,820 --> 00:14:12,960
[gurgling]
♪ Boom, chicka, wow, wow ♪
302
00:14:12,960 --> 00:14:15,060
- [chuckles]
What?
303
00:14:17,060 --> 00:14:19,060
Bubba J, where did you learn
to talk like that?
304
00:14:19,060 --> 00:14:21,830
- Oh, you drink as much
as I do, you fucking learn.
305
00:14:21,830 --> 00:14:25,630
- All right.
306
00:14:25,630 --> 00:14:27,940
So, Bubba J, how about your
favorite part of the show?
307
00:14:27,940 --> 00:14:29,270
- OK, great.
308
00:14:29,270 --> 00:14:31,170
This is the part
where you get to hear
309
00:14:31,170 --> 00:14:34,810
what I think about stuff
after I've had one too many.
310
00:14:34,810 --> 00:14:37,680
Or maybe five, or eight,
or the whole keg.
311
00:14:37,680 --> 00:14:39,010
- All right.
- Yeah.
312
00:14:39,010 --> 00:14:42,180
- All right.
313
00:14:42,180 --> 00:14:45,250
- So welcome to
the Valentine's edition of
314
00:14:45,250 --> 00:14:48,990
Bubba J's
Drinkin' and Thinkin'.
315
00:14:48,990 --> 00:14:51,960
[pensive piano music]
316
00:14:51,960 --> 00:14:54,860
♪ ♪
317
00:14:54,860 --> 00:14:56,300
Oh, I like the music.
318
00:14:56,300 --> 00:14:58,500
- Yeah.
- Yeah, puts me in the mood.
319
00:14:58,500 --> 00:15:00,000
- Oh, mood for what?
320
00:15:00,000 --> 00:15:03,570
- [gurgling]
♪ Boom, chicka, wow, wow ♪
321
00:15:03,570 --> 00:15:04,710
- Just go.
- OK.
322
00:15:04,710 --> 00:15:07,280
Drinkin' and Thinkin'.
323
00:15:07,280 --> 00:15:09,810
For Valentine's Day,
my wife said
324
00:15:09,810 --> 00:15:11,750
she wanted her favorite flower.
325
00:15:11,750 --> 00:15:14,680
So I gave her Bisquick.
326
00:15:14,680 --> 00:15:21,590
♪ ♪
327
00:15:22,990 --> 00:15:26,460
The first time someone
wished me "happy VD,"
328
00:15:26,460 --> 00:15:30,900
I thought,
"how the hell did they know?"
329
00:15:33,570 --> 00:15:36,670
When a woman says that
I must love her from afar,
330
00:15:36,670 --> 00:15:42,810
what that really means is that
she filed a restraining order.
331
00:15:42,810 --> 00:15:45,350
One-night stands
make me feel empty.
332
00:15:45,350 --> 00:15:48,380
- Yeah.
- Which means it went great.
333
00:15:52,790 --> 00:15:54,920
- I'm sorry.
334
00:15:58,390 --> 00:16:02,830
- Guys, never get involved
with a farm animal.
335
00:16:02,830 --> 00:16:04,800
- What?
- I know, I know.
336
00:16:04,800 --> 00:16:07,440
Moo means moo.
337
00:16:10,940 --> 00:16:12,940
When a woman asks you
if you know
338
00:16:12,940 --> 00:16:14,880
the quickest way to her heart,
339
00:16:14,880 --> 00:16:20,680
don't do what I did and stick
your head between her tatas.
340
00:16:20,680 --> 00:16:24,620
That was the worst ever
birthday for Grandma.
341
00:16:24,620 --> 00:16:26,590
[crowd groans]
342
00:16:26,590 --> 00:16:27,890
Oh, too far?
343
00:16:27,890 --> 00:16:29,730
Yeah, too far?
344
00:16:29,730 --> 00:16:30,890
- Too far.
- Yeah.
345
00:16:30,890 --> 00:16:35,700
[gurgling]
346
00:16:35,700 --> 00:16:37,730
Oh, wait, it's Grandma.
347
00:16:37,730 --> 00:16:39,470
[gurgling]
348
00:16:41,970 --> 00:16:43,110
- Say goodnight, Bubba J.
349
00:16:43,110 --> 00:16:45,410
- Happy Valentines, Tampa!
350
00:16:45,410 --> 00:16:46,410
[cheering]
351
00:16:49,690 --> 00:16:52,260
- He's purple, he's wacky.
352
00:16:52,260 --> 00:16:55,530
[cheers and applause]
353
00:16:55,530 --> 00:16:57,930
Please help me welcome
my buddy, Peanut!
354
00:16:57,930 --> 00:17:00,900
[upbeat rock music]
355
00:17:00,900 --> 00:17:07,570
♪ ♪
356
00:17:07,570 --> 00:17:09,540
[cheers and applause]
357
00:17:09,540 --> 00:17:11,740
- [laughing]
358
00:17:11,740 --> 00:17:13,110
- How are you doing, Peanut?
- Doing pretty good.
359
00:17:13,110 --> 00:17:14,380
How about you?
- I'm fine.
360
00:17:14,380 --> 00:17:16,680
- That's good, that's good,
that's good!
361
00:17:16,680 --> 00:17:17,950
[cackles]
362
00:17:17,950 --> 00:17:20,050
Ha-ha!
- Cut it out.
363
00:17:20,050 --> 00:17:21,950
- ♪ I'm a little asshole,
short and stout ♪
364
00:17:21,950 --> 00:17:24,190
♪ This is my handle,
I can't show you my spout ♪
365
00:17:24,190 --> 00:17:27,060
[cackles] Ha-ha!
- Stop it!
366
00:17:27,060 --> 00:17:29,760
Peanut!
- Jeff-fa-fa!
367
00:17:29,760 --> 00:17:31,460
- Do you know why we're here?
- I do.
368
00:17:31,460 --> 00:17:32,960
- We've been talking about
Valentine's Day.
369
00:17:32,960 --> 00:17:34,270
- I have been listening,
370
00:17:34,270 --> 00:17:35,900
and you have finally come to
the right guy
371
00:17:35,900 --> 00:17:37,870
to talk about romance, my man.
372
00:17:37,870 --> 00:17:39,740
- You?
- Yes, me. For example:
373
00:17:39,740 --> 00:17:42,040
that is not just a suitcase
you got me out of.
374
00:17:42,040 --> 00:17:43,310
- No?
- No!
375
00:17:43,310 --> 00:17:48,350
That, my friend, is where
I take the ladies.
376
00:17:48,350 --> 00:17:52,980
- What?
- That is the Luggage of Love.
377
00:17:52,980 --> 00:17:55,490
- The luggage?
- Of Love.
378
00:17:55,490 --> 00:17:57,020
And you know it by the music.
379
00:17:57,020 --> 00:17:58,160
- The music?
- Yeah.
380
00:17:58,160 --> 00:18:01,630
♪ Boom, chicka, wow, wow ♪
381
00:18:01,630 --> 00:18:04,230
- Peanut, no one but you
can fit inside that suitcase.
382
00:18:04,230 --> 00:18:07,260
- Oh, you'd be surprised.
383
00:18:07,260 --> 00:18:10,130
- Maybe just and José Jalapeño.
384
00:18:10,130 --> 00:18:16,210
[crowd whooping]
385
00:18:16,210 --> 00:18:18,940
On a stick.
[chuckles]
386
00:18:18,940 --> 00:18:21,450
- OK, don't be gross.
387
00:18:21,450 --> 00:18:24,750
I refuse to allow
a stick in my box.
388
00:18:30,760 --> 00:18:32,460
I-I just said that out loud,
didn't I?
389
00:18:32,460 --> 00:18:34,330
- Yeah, you did.
- Yeah.
390
00:18:34,330 --> 00:18:37,030
Well, I meant it. Both ways.
- All right. [chuckles]
391
00:18:38,960 --> 00:18:40,970
Have you been on
any dates lately?
392
00:18:40,970 --> 00:18:43,000
- Well, I think about it a lot.
393
00:18:43,000 --> 00:18:44,140
- You think about
going on dates?
394
00:18:44,140 --> 00:18:45,470
- Yeah, I do.
395
00:18:45,470 --> 00:18:47,170
I try and figure out
how to make it happen
396
00:18:47,170 --> 00:18:50,710
without you being there too!
397
00:18:50,710 --> 00:18:52,040
- Right.
- It's not easy.
398
00:18:52,040 --> 00:18:55,280
I just seem to lay there.
- [chuckles]
399
00:18:55,280 --> 00:18:56,550
- It's not funny!
400
00:18:56,550 --> 00:18:59,150
It's like
my own "Toy Story" hell.
401
00:19:03,090 --> 00:19:04,760
And no Woody.
402
00:19:04,760 --> 00:19:06,790
- [laughs]
403
00:19:06,790 --> 00:19:08,690
Wha--
404
00:19:11,560 --> 00:19:14,830
- Maybe a little Buzz.
- All right. [laughs]
405
00:19:14,830 --> 00:19:17,640
- But I'm looking good,
right, ladies?
406
00:19:17,640 --> 00:19:20,400
[crowd hollering]
407
00:19:20,400 --> 00:19:24,640
That is Fifty Shades of Purple
right there.
408
00:19:24,640 --> 00:19:28,550
♪ Boom, chicka, wow, wow ♪
409
00:19:28,550 --> 00:19:31,250
- Look, Valentine's Day.
It's the holiday of love.
410
00:19:31,250 --> 00:19:33,180
- It is about love, isn't it?
- Of course.
411
00:19:33,180 --> 00:19:38,560
And who is that extra special
person in your life right now?
412
00:19:38,560 --> 00:19:39,760
- Well.
413
00:19:39,760 --> 00:19:41,530
- Is there someone?
414
00:19:41,530 --> 00:19:43,260
- [sniffles]
No.
415
00:19:43,260 --> 00:19:44,830
[crowd groans sympathetically]
416
00:19:44,830 --> 00:19:47,100
[whimpers]
417
00:19:48,430 --> 00:19:50,500
[sympathetic groans, laughter]
418
00:19:50,500 --> 00:19:53,000
[high-pitched]
Thank you.
419
00:19:53,000 --> 00:19:54,570
- I'm really sorry.
- I know.
420
00:19:54,570 --> 00:19:56,410
But look at you.
- Yeah.
421
00:19:56,410 --> 00:19:58,810
- And Walter. And Bubba J.
422
00:19:58,810 --> 00:20:00,850
You all have someone.
423
00:20:00,850 --> 00:20:02,450
- You know, maybe José
could help you.
424
00:20:02,450 --> 00:20:03,710
- Help me what?
- Find a date.
425
00:20:03,710 --> 00:20:06,380
- [laughs]
Wait, you're serious?
426
00:20:06,380 --> 00:20:08,450
- Well, I've heard--
- You've heard what?
427
00:20:08,450 --> 00:20:09,720
- He's Latin.
- So?
428
00:20:09,720 --> 00:20:13,060
- You know, a Latin lover.
- On a stick?
429
00:20:13,060 --> 00:20:14,760
- Why don't we ask him?
- Oh, no.
430
00:20:14,760 --> 00:20:16,160
- Ladies and gentlemen,
please help me welcome
431
00:20:16,160 --> 00:20:18,960
José Jalapeño on a Stick.
432
00:20:18,960 --> 00:20:23,170
[cheers and applause]
433
00:20:23,970 --> 00:20:25,070
Good evening, José.
434
00:20:25,070 --> 00:20:27,810
- Buenas noches, Señor Jeff.
435
00:20:27,810 --> 00:20:30,540
And others.
436
00:20:30,540 --> 00:20:32,540
- He's not, uh, happy with me
right now.
437
00:20:32,540 --> 00:20:34,580
- We are not speaking.
438
00:20:34,580 --> 00:20:36,250
- Why not?
- Don't worry about it.
439
00:20:36,250 --> 00:20:38,780
- He ate my cousin Julio.
440
00:20:42,550 --> 00:20:44,390
- You ate his cousin Julio?
441
00:20:44,390 --> 00:20:45,760
- Well, how was I supposed
to know?
442
00:20:45,760 --> 00:20:49,590
He was just laying there
next to the dip.
443
00:20:49,590 --> 00:20:51,830
Not saying anything.
I thought he was a popper.
444
00:20:51,830 --> 00:20:54,670
- [laughs]
445
00:20:54,670 --> 00:20:56,970
- I don't want to talk to you.
446
00:20:56,970 --> 00:21:02,170
- Oh, OK, I'm--I'm actually...
really sorry, José.
447
00:21:02,170 --> 00:21:04,540
- He died doing
what he loved most.
448
00:21:04,540 --> 00:21:08,450
- What was that?
- Burning your mouth.
449
00:21:08,450 --> 00:21:10,510
- He did do that.
- Right.
450
00:21:10,510 --> 00:21:14,550
- And later your ass.
451
00:21:14,550 --> 00:21:17,450
- I'll let you know.
- OK.
452
00:21:17,450 --> 00:21:19,560
So, José, you think you can
help Peanut get a date?
453
00:21:19,560 --> 00:21:21,590
- Sí, I know women.
- You?
454
00:21:21,590 --> 00:21:23,890
I have never seen you
with a woman!
455
00:21:23,890 --> 00:21:26,430
[scoffs] You're in that box
all day long.
456
00:21:26,430 --> 00:21:28,670
- Sí, but many of the times,
I am not alone.
457
00:21:28,670 --> 00:21:31,500
- Oh, come on.
Who gets in there with you?
458
00:21:31,500 --> 00:21:32,800
- Ask your mother.
459
00:21:32,800 --> 00:21:34,540
- Hey!
460
00:21:34,540 --> 00:21:37,410
What the hell?
- [laughs] All right.
461
00:21:37,410 --> 00:21:38,540
- Did you hear that?
- Yeah.
462
00:21:38,540 --> 00:21:41,150
- I'll deep fry his ass.
- No.
463
00:21:41,150 --> 00:21:42,510
- And his stick.
- Steeck.
464
00:21:42,510 --> 00:21:43,650
- Whatever.
- Calm down.
465
00:21:43,650 --> 00:21:45,050
- He said he was with
my mother!
466
00:21:45,050 --> 00:21:46,280
- I know.
467
00:21:46,280 --> 00:21:47,720
- My mother can't fit
in José's box.
468
00:21:47,720 --> 00:21:49,690
- No, but José can fit in
your mother's--
469
00:21:49,690 --> 00:21:51,860
- All right!
470
00:21:51,860 --> 00:21:53,260
- What the hell?
471
00:21:53,260 --> 00:21:54,590
- I'm--
[laughs]
472
00:21:57,290 --> 00:21:58,930
- I'm gonna slice him up
and serve him
473
00:21:58,930 --> 00:22:01,800
on our next plate
of frickin' nachos.
474
00:22:01,800 --> 00:22:03,600
- And that's when
I burn your ass.
475
00:22:03,600 --> 00:22:05,240
- You can't!
- Yes, I can.
476
00:22:05,240 --> 00:22:09,070
- I don't have an ass!
477
00:22:09,070 --> 00:22:11,880
It's an elbow.
478
00:22:16,910 --> 00:22:19,080
- That sounds much worse
than a stick.
479
00:22:19,080 --> 00:22:21,520
- All ri--
[laughs]
480
00:22:21,520 --> 00:22:24,620
- I thought this was gonna be
a lot more fun.
481
00:22:24,620 --> 00:22:26,190
- That's what I said
to your mother.
482
00:22:26,190 --> 00:22:27,360
- Hey!
- All right!
483
00:22:27,360 --> 00:22:29,760
Wait--wait a minute.
484
00:22:29,760 --> 00:22:32,030
- I bet your mother
had a steeck.
485
00:22:32,030 --> 00:22:33,400
- Not as big as your sister's.
486
00:22:33,400 --> 00:22:37,300
- Oh, will you stop it,
both of you?
487
00:22:37,300 --> 00:22:38,600
Say good night, José.
488
00:22:38,600 --> 00:22:41,270
- I am José Jalapeño.
- On a Stick.
489
00:22:41,270 --> 00:22:42,340
- There he is.
- Hey!
490
00:22:42,340 --> 00:22:44,240
- All right.
491
00:22:44,240 --> 00:22:46,540
[cheers and applause]
492
00:22:48,400 --> 00:22:49,370
- All right, look, Peanut,
have you ever tried
493
00:22:49,370 --> 00:22:50,710
online dating?
- Well?
494
00:22:50,710 --> 00:22:52,010
- I thought that maybe
we could help you out
495
00:22:52,010 --> 00:22:53,480
by filling out a profile
on one of those sites
496
00:22:53,480 --> 00:22:55,540
and see how it goes.
- Oh, OK.
497
00:22:55,540 --> 00:22:56,710
- I pulled up the site.
- Yeah.
498
00:22:56,710 --> 00:22:58,210
- And let's enter your profile.
499
00:22:58,210 --> 00:22:59,320
Let's see what happens.
- OK.
500
00:22:59,320 --> 00:23:01,450
- So for example,
OK, uh, name.
501
00:23:01,450 --> 00:23:05,450
- OK, first name, Pea,
last name Nut.
502
00:23:07,520 --> 00:23:09,090
- That's not right.
- There's two blanks.
503
00:23:09,090 --> 00:23:10,330
What are you gonna do?
504
00:23:10,330 --> 00:23:13,260
Initial P then last name
[gargles]?
505
00:23:13,260 --> 00:23:14,460
Sound like
you're talking backwards.
506
00:23:14,460 --> 00:23:18,000
[mimics talking in reverse]
507
00:23:19,740 --> 00:23:22,040
- Height?
- Six four.
508
00:23:24,270 --> 00:23:25,680
- You're like two four.
509
00:23:25,680 --> 00:23:29,810
- Objects in mirror are
larger than they appear.
510
00:23:29,810 --> 00:23:32,280
- OK, now it's asking
your relationship intent.
511
00:23:32,280 --> 00:23:33,680
Is it long term, short term,
512
00:23:33,680 --> 00:23:36,320
short but open to long term,
not sure.
513
00:23:36,320 --> 00:23:40,660
- Is there a checkbox for
"wham, bam, thank you ma'am"?
514
00:23:42,530 --> 00:23:45,090
- OK, sexual orientation.
515
00:23:45,090 --> 00:23:47,730
- Upside down.
- No.
516
00:23:47,730 --> 00:23:48,800
- Sideways?
- No.
517
00:23:48,800 --> 00:23:50,830
- About face.
- Stop it.
518
00:23:50,830 --> 00:23:53,000
- That's what she said.
- [laughs]
519
00:23:53,000 --> 00:23:54,500
I have no idea
what you're doing!
520
00:23:54,500 --> 00:23:56,770
- She also said that.
- Wh--
521
00:23:56,770 --> 00:23:58,510
what do I enter?
- He said that.
522
00:23:58,510 --> 00:24:00,780
- Stop it!
523
00:24:02,750 --> 00:24:04,180
Income?
- What?
524
00:24:04,180 --> 00:24:05,380
- Income.
- Outcome?
525
00:24:05,380 --> 00:24:08,320
- What?
- Income, outcome. How come?
526
00:24:08,320 --> 00:24:10,120
- Read this, right there.
527
00:24:10,120 --> 00:24:13,260
- Uh, "the amount of money
you make anally."
528
00:24:13,260 --> 00:24:16,230
- Annually!
529
00:24:16,230 --> 00:24:19,200
- Oh, that's way different.
530
00:24:19,200 --> 00:24:25,400
It's amazing how one little
missing U can rock your world.
531
00:24:25,400 --> 00:24:29,840
And make it difficult to walk.
- [laughs]
532
00:24:32,240 --> 00:24:34,110
OK, we've now gotten to
the part of the show
533
00:24:34,110 --> 00:24:36,010
that I'm not really sure about,
Peanut.
534
00:24:36,010 --> 00:24:38,150
- What's that?
- Well, as the audience knows,
535
00:24:38,150 --> 00:24:41,820
before the show started, many
of them were given these cards
536
00:24:41,820 --> 00:24:43,620
and asked to write you
questions about
537
00:24:43,620 --> 00:24:44,850
love and relationships,
538
00:24:44,850 --> 00:24:46,990
anything to do with Valentines.
- Yep.
539
00:24:46,990 --> 00:24:49,460
- So, uh, where is--
540
00:24:49,460 --> 00:24:51,130
all right,
I can't read the first name.
541
00:24:51,130 --> 00:24:54,400
Is it "Fru--"
542
00:24:54,400 --> 00:24:55,560
Fr--
person: Frank!
543
00:24:55,560 --> 00:24:57,100
- Oh, Frank?
544
00:24:57,100 --> 00:25:00,400
- It looks like "Fruck."
545
00:25:00,400 --> 00:25:01,870
- All right, Frank.
546
00:25:01,870 --> 00:25:03,940
"Dear Peanut,
I got my wife these tickets
547
00:25:03,940 --> 00:25:07,210
for our 10th anniversary.
Is this enough?"
548
00:25:07,210 --> 00:25:11,050
- Let's see, 25th anniversary
is silver, 50th is gold,
549
00:25:11,050 --> 00:25:14,520
and 10th is warm beer
and a puppet show.
550
00:25:14,520 --> 00:25:17,550
Yes, you're a good, Frank.
551
00:25:20,660 --> 00:25:22,190
- John Simmons.
552
00:25:22,190 --> 00:25:24,530
"Dear Peanut, are children
with peanut allergies
553
00:25:24,530 --> 00:25:28,400
allowed to play with you?"
554
00:25:28,400 --> 00:25:31,600
- Oh, ha, ha, ha.
555
00:25:31,600 --> 00:25:34,240
Yes, they are.
Deal with the itch, bitch.
556
00:25:34,240 --> 00:25:36,570
- Oh, that's--
557
00:25:39,480 --> 00:25:41,540
Kate and Sherry.
558
00:25:41,540 --> 00:25:43,210
"Dear Peanut,
what advice would you give
559
00:25:43,210 --> 00:25:45,080
"a married lesbian couple
560
00:25:45,080 --> 00:25:49,350
that's been with each other
for 14 years?"
561
00:25:49,350 --> 00:25:50,390
- Do you know?
- No.
562
00:25:50,390 --> 00:25:51,650
- I don't know either.
563
00:25:51,650 --> 00:25:54,520
Clearly, we don't have
anything you need.
564
00:26:04,300 --> 00:26:06,340
- Where are Dennis and Cathy?
565
00:26:06,340 --> 00:26:07,870
Aw! "Dear Peanut,
566
00:26:07,870 --> 00:26:11,870
"we reconnected at our 56th
class reunion two years ago.
567
00:26:11,870 --> 00:26:14,240
Should we get married?"
568
00:26:14,240 --> 00:26:16,410
[crowd shouting approval]
569
00:26:16,410 --> 00:26:18,310
- I guess so.
570
00:26:18,310 --> 00:26:20,820
Are you the last two left?
571
00:26:27,160 --> 00:26:30,560
Happy Valentine's Day.
572
00:26:30,560 --> 00:26:32,360
- Uh, John McLendon.
573
00:26:32,360 --> 00:26:34,600
"Dear Peanut, after 20 plus
years of marriage,
574
00:26:34,600 --> 00:26:36,870
"how can I get my wife to,
you know, want to,
575
00:26:36,870 --> 00:26:39,640
"you know, have, um,
well, you know, sex?
576
00:26:39,640 --> 00:26:41,600
Any thoughts?"
577
00:26:41,600 --> 00:26:43,610
- Well, John,
clearly from this question,
578
00:26:43,610 --> 00:26:48,180
it shows you like to
beat around the bush.
579
00:26:50,550 --> 00:26:54,280
And there's your problem.
580
00:26:54,280 --> 00:26:57,220
- Say goodnight, Peanut.
581
00:26:57,220 --> 00:27:02,020
[cheers and applause]
582
00:27:02,020 --> 00:27:05,290
- There's a character that has
been in my act for many years,
583
00:27:05,290 --> 00:27:06,400
but for various reasons,
584
00:27:06,400 --> 00:27:07,960
he has now been all but banned
585
00:27:07,960 --> 00:27:10,830
from any new television
programming.
586
00:27:10,830 --> 00:27:14,770
[cheers and applause]
587
00:27:14,770 --> 00:27:18,340
And because of all that,
he is not with us here tonight.
588
00:27:18,340 --> 00:27:20,980
[crowd groaning, booing]
589
00:27:20,980 --> 00:27:22,980
However!
590
00:27:22,980 --> 00:27:27,820
It seems that
he has a distant cousin...
591
00:27:27,820 --> 00:27:30,620
a long-lost relative
who apparently is immortal
592
00:27:30,620 --> 00:27:32,090
and Greek and a god.
593
00:27:32,090 --> 00:27:33,690
Ladies and gentlemen,
please help me welcome
594
00:27:33,690 --> 00:27:36,390
the Greek god, Achimedes.
595
00:27:36,390 --> 00:27:39,360
[upbeat rock music]
596
00:27:39,360 --> 00:27:41,730
♪ ♪
597
00:27:41,730 --> 00:27:46,640
- [cackling]
598
00:27:46,640 --> 00:27:51,740
[cheers and applause]
599
00:27:51,740 --> 00:27:57,480
Greetings,
mortal human infidels!
600
00:27:57,480 --> 00:27:59,210
[cackles]
601
00:27:59,210 --> 00:28:01,180
It is I!
602
00:28:01,180 --> 00:28:03,850
What's my name?
603
00:28:03,850 --> 00:28:06,920
- Achimedes.
- Achimedes!
604
00:28:06,920 --> 00:28:12,360
I am the ancient Greek god
of keeler love.
605
00:28:12,360 --> 00:28:13,630
- What--what's killer love?
606
00:28:13,630 --> 00:28:15,500
- Not killer, keeler!
607
00:28:15,500 --> 00:28:16,630
- Keeler.
- Yes.
608
00:28:16,630 --> 00:28:18,430
- And where are you from,
Achimedes?
609
00:28:18,430 --> 00:28:20,440
- Uh...
610
00:28:20,440 --> 00:28:24,210
- Mount Olympus.
- Mm--what?
611
00:28:24,210 --> 00:28:25,310
- Yes.
- OK.
612
00:28:25,310 --> 00:28:28,780
Mount the platypus!
613
00:28:28,780 --> 00:28:29,750
- No.
- What?
614
00:28:29,750 --> 00:28:30,910
- Mount Olympus.
615
00:28:30,910 --> 00:28:35,080
- Yes, don't forget the puss.
616
00:28:35,080 --> 00:28:37,590
I am from the mountain
of platypuses!
617
00:28:37,590 --> 00:28:39,520
- No.
618
00:28:39,520 --> 00:28:40,590
- Platy-pussies?
619
00:28:40,590 --> 00:28:43,030
- No, no! No!
620
00:28:45,230 --> 00:28:47,430
- I'm not sure I can say that.
- Just forget it.
621
00:28:47,430 --> 00:28:50,400
- Silence!
622
00:28:50,400 --> 00:28:51,630
I love you.
623
00:28:51,630 --> 00:28:56,210
[laughter and applause]
624
00:29:00,540 --> 00:29:01,540
- Really?
- Yes.
625
00:29:01,540 --> 00:29:03,850
It's "silence! I love you."
626
00:29:05,950 --> 00:29:07,380
- That's different.
- Yes, I know.
627
00:29:07,380 --> 00:29:09,490
I call it keeler love.
628
00:29:09,490 --> 00:29:10,820
- OK.
- Yeah.
629
00:29:10,820 --> 00:29:13,090
- I got it.
- I keel you! With love.
630
00:29:19,100 --> 00:29:20,300
- And what is your job,
Achimedes?
631
00:29:20,300 --> 00:29:21,900
- I am a god.
632
00:29:21,900 --> 00:29:24,270
- I didn't know that
being a god was a job.
633
00:29:24,270 --> 00:29:26,370
- And I didn't know that
talking to dolls was a job,
634
00:29:26,370 --> 00:29:30,110
but here we fricking are.
635
00:29:32,280 --> 00:29:33,580
- So you're not dead?
636
00:29:33,580 --> 00:29:36,380
- No. I am immoral.
637
00:29:36,380 --> 00:29:38,010
- [chuckles]
638
00:29:38,010 --> 00:29:39,880
- What?
- Immortal.
639
00:29:39,880 --> 00:29:43,550
- I-- what? I don't know
that word in English.
640
00:29:43,550 --> 00:29:45,520
- It means you live forever.
641
00:29:45,520 --> 00:29:47,520
- Really?
- Mm-hmm.
642
00:29:47,520 --> 00:29:49,590
- That's a thing?
- Yeah.
643
00:29:49,590 --> 00:29:53,430
- I love this country so much!
644
00:29:53,430 --> 00:29:54,630
- But you're not dead.
645
00:29:54,630 --> 00:29:56,570
- No, I am not dead.
Do I look dead?
646
00:29:56,570 --> 00:29:59,040
- Well, yes.
- Silence!
647
00:29:59,040 --> 00:30:02,670
I love you.
- [snorts]
648
00:30:02,670 --> 00:30:04,070
- I have to be honest.
649
00:30:04,070 --> 00:30:07,110
That "I love you" thing
just feels wrong to me.
650
00:30:07,110 --> 00:30:08,480
- You're doing great.
- OK.
651
00:30:08,480 --> 00:30:11,810
- If you're a Greek god,
why are you here on Earth?
652
00:30:11,810 --> 00:30:14,080
- I don't know.
653
00:30:14,080 --> 00:30:17,990
We didn't talk about that.
Stick to the script.
654
00:30:17,990 --> 00:30:18,960
- Just--just go with it.
- What?
655
00:30:18,960 --> 00:30:20,760
- Just go with it, ad lib.
656
00:30:20,760 --> 00:30:22,490
- OK.
657
00:30:22,490 --> 00:30:24,730
- So, Achimedes,
why are you here?
658
00:30:24,730 --> 00:30:28,700
- Uh, to play Powerball.
659
00:30:30,730 --> 00:30:32,700
- What?
- Well, you said to ad lib.
660
00:30:32,700 --> 00:30:35,570
The jackpot is huge!
661
00:30:35,570 --> 00:30:39,880
And you know us Greek gods,
we love to gamble.
662
00:30:39,880 --> 00:30:41,610
Right?
- I don't know.
663
00:30:41,610 --> 00:30:44,710
- Damn it, just go with it!
664
00:30:44,710 --> 00:30:46,650
Quick,
what's a good gambling game?
665
00:30:46,650 --> 00:30:48,280
- Uh, craps.
666
00:30:48,280 --> 00:30:50,490
- What?
667
00:30:50,490 --> 00:30:51,620
- Craps.
- Are you kidding?
668
00:30:51,620 --> 00:30:52,720
- No.
- That's a game?
669
00:30:52,720 --> 00:30:54,560
- Yeah, it's huge in Vegas.
670
00:30:54,560 --> 00:30:57,830
- Gross, OK.
671
00:30:57,830 --> 00:31:02,530
Yes, my favorite thing to do
in Las Vegas is to take a crap.
672
00:31:02,530 --> 00:31:04,270
- No.
673
00:31:04,270 --> 00:31:05,770
- What?
674
00:31:07,400 --> 00:31:09,870
What?
675
00:31:09,870 --> 00:31:12,340
"Give a crap"?
- No, no.
676
00:31:12,340 --> 00:31:15,040
- I don't give a crap.
- No.
677
00:31:15,040 --> 00:31:18,980
"To play craps."
- That's worse.
678
00:31:18,980 --> 00:31:23,090
You're like monkeys in a zoo.
What the hell, dude?
679
00:31:23,090 --> 00:31:26,020
Hey, by the way,
did you see my new friend?
680
00:31:26,020 --> 00:31:27,460
- Your new friend?
- No.
681
00:31:27,460 --> 00:31:30,060
Uh, over there in the case.
Get her out.
682
00:31:30,060 --> 00:31:32,160
- Over here?
- Yeah.
683
00:31:32,160 --> 00:31:33,330
- OK.
684
00:31:33,330 --> 00:31:36,000
[crowd whooping]
685
00:31:39,740 --> 00:31:40,770
What--what is this?
686
00:31:40,770 --> 00:31:44,070
- Not what, who.
687
00:31:44,070 --> 00:31:47,610
- Sorry.
- You'll hurt her feelings.
688
00:31:47,610 --> 00:31:49,150
It's my little sheep.
689
00:31:49,150 --> 00:31:50,810
- Oh.
690
00:31:50,810 --> 00:31:52,210
A ewe?
691
00:31:52,210 --> 00:31:53,680
- A what?
692
00:31:53,680 --> 00:31:55,080
- A ewe?
693
00:31:55,080 --> 00:32:01,320
- Yes, it's a-me.
Are we a-speaking Italian now?
694
00:32:01,320 --> 00:32:02,430
- No, she's a ewe.
695
00:32:02,430 --> 00:32:03,760
- No, she's a-not a-me.
696
00:32:03,760 --> 00:32:07,160
I a-mean she's a her.
697
00:32:07,160 --> 00:32:10,200
- No, she is a ewe.
- She is not a-me.
698
00:32:10,200 --> 00:32:12,740
What is a-wrong with a-you?
699
00:32:12,740 --> 00:32:13,900
- I don't know.
700
00:32:13,900 --> 00:32:15,400
What's wrong with the ewe?
- What?
701
00:32:15,400 --> 00:32:16,740
- You just said there's
something wrong with the ewe.
702
00:32:16,740 --> 00:32:18,870
- No, I didn't.
I'm fine!
703
00:32:18,870 --> 00:32:20,110
- Not you, her.
704
00:32:20,110 --> 00:32:21,880
- You?
What, now me?
705
00:32:21,880 --> 00:32:24,480
What the fuck?
706
00:32:25,880 --> 00:32:27,780
- [breathes deeply]
707
00:32:27,780 --> 00:32:29,690
A female sheep is a ewe.
708
00:32:29,690 --> 00:32:31,450
- No, she's a-not a-me,
709
00:32:31,450 --> 00:32:35,860
and stop a-making a-fun of
the Italianos!
710
00:32:37,560 --> 00:32:38,760
- Can I pet your ewe?
711
00:32:38,760 --> 00:32:40,860
- [screams]
712
00:32:43,330 --> 00:32:45,940
Do not touch me!
713
00:32:45,940 --> 00:32:48,040
- Not you, that ewe.
714
00:32:48,040 --> 00:32:50,370
- What?
- Your ewe has very nice wool.
715
00:32:50,370 --> 00:32:52,810
- What?
716
00:32:52,810 --> 00:32:56,080
And you are a pervert!
717
00:32:57,610 --> 00:32:59,280
- So otherwise, uh, how's it--
718
00:32:59,280 --> 00:33:00,750
how's it going
being a Greek god?
719
00:33:00,750 --> 00:33:01,780
- Actually, it's not too bad.
720
00:33:01,780 --> 00:33:02,820
- Really?
- Yeah.
721
00:33:02,820 --> 00:33:04,150
It's so much fun being famous.
722
00:33:04,150 --> 00:33:05,250
- I bet.
- Yeah.
723
00:33:05,250 --> 00:33:06,820
Folks now stop me
on the street.
724
00:33:06,820 --> 00:33:09,930
They asked me for my autograph,
they want to take selfies.
725
00:33:09,930 --> 00:33:11,030
- I would think that
looking like you do,
726
00:33:11,030 --> 00:33:12,230
people would be afraid of you.
727
00:33:12,230 --> 00:33:15,200
- Of course they are.
[chuckles]
728
00:33:15,200 --> 00:33:17,430
- Oh, so you're saying
it's good being Achimedes.
729
00:33:17,430 --> 00:33:20,600
- Oh, no, no.
They think I'm Nancy Pelosi.
730
00:33:32,280 --> 00:33:38,350
I mean, look at us!
The resemblance is uncanny.
731
00:33:38,350 --> 00:33:40,790
- Achimedes.
- [screams]
732
00:33:40,790 --> 00:33:43,960
I forgot you were here.
733
00:33:43,960 --> 00:33:45,360
I would like to do
this act solo.
734
00:33:45,360 --> 00:33:47,160
- Really?
- Yes, I do not need you.
735
00:33:47,160 --> 00:33:48,930
- Oh, I think you do,
but you can do what--
736
00:33:48,930 --> 00:33:53,870
[laughter]
737
00:33:59,610 --> 00:34:03,750
- Holy crap.
738
00:34:03,750 --> 00:34:06,980
Did my arm just fall off?
739
00:34:06,980 --> 00:34:08,580
- Yeah.
- What are you doing?
740
00:34:08,580 --> 00:34:10,950
- Well, I got to kick it
over into place.
741
00:34:10,950 --> 00:34:13,060
- Ow!
You stepped on my pinkie.
742
00:34:13,060 --> 00:34:16,030
How the hell did I know that?
- I don't know.
743
00:34:16,030 --> 00:34:17,790
I'm gonna have to get down
on one knee.
744
00:34:17,790 --> 00:34:19,860
- [gasps]
This is so sudden.
745
00:34:19,860 --> 00:34:21,300
- No.
746
00:34:25,470 --> 00:34:26,640
- Put it back.
747
00:34:26,640 --> 00:34:28,000
- All right,
just hang on a second.
748
00:34:28,000 --> 00:34:30,240
- Come on.
749
00:34:30,240 --> 00:34:33,810
- I don't know
how this goes in here.
750
00:34:33,810 --> 00:34:35,980
- That's what she said.
751
00:34:38,810 --> 00:34:41,720
- All right. OK.
752
00:34:41,720 --> 00:34:44,290
So I think the next thing--
753
00:34:56,270 --> 00:34:58,030
- Son of a bitch,
don't drop me.
754
00:34:58,030 --> 00:34:59,440
- I'm trying not to.
755
00:34:59,440 --> 00:35:01,700
- Put 'em back!
- I'm--I'm working on it.
756
00:35:01,700 --> 00:35:03,440
Here, let's put these here.
757
00:35:03,440 --> 00:35:08,110
- [screams]
758
00:35:08,110 --> 00:35:11,750
That does not go there!
- Stop.
759
00:35:11,750 --> 00:35:15,150
- What the hell, dude?
760
00:35:15,150 --> 00:35:20,220
Look like I had
a five-fingered wiener.
761
00:35:20,220 --> 00:35:22,990
I don't have that.
- No.
762
00:35:22,990 --> 00:35:28,200
- But if I did, my underwear
would fit like a glove.
763
00:35:31,000 --> 00:35:32,470
- [chuckles]
764
00:35:32,470 --> 00:35:36,170
- Put it back!
- [laughs] I'm working on it.
765
00:35:36,170 --> 00:35:39,340
- And fix my feet, asshole.
- OK.
766
00:35:39,340 --> 00:35:40,940
All right, there.
All right, there's good.
767
00:35:40,940 --> 00:35:43,810
All right, here we go.
768
00:35:43,810 --> 00:35:46,250
- Son of a bitch!
769
00:35:46,250 --> 00:35:48,480
What am I, a fucking clock?
770
00:35:51,120 --> 00:35:54,060
I don't know if I'm coming
or going.
771
00:35:54,060 --> 00:35:55,190
- OK, just sit still.
772
00:35:55,190 --> 00:35:57,290
- Take your hand off my wiener.
773
00:36:07,570 --> 00:36:09,510
What?
774
00:36:13,680 --> 00:36:14,980
- You--you don't have a--
775
00:36:14,980 --> 00:36:17,980
- I know, I know, I know.
776
00:36:17,980 --> 00:36:21,220
It's not there.
- OK.
777
00:36:21,220 --> 00:36:24,890
- I lost it in an explos...
[grunting]
778
00:36:24,890 --> 00:36:29,990
...sive game of poker.
779
00:36:29,990 --> 00:36:33,300
- [chuckles softly] You--
780
00:36:33,300 --> 00:36:38,500
you lost--
- My wiener in a poker game.
781
00:36:38,500 --> 00:36:42,340
You should have seen
the other guy.
782
00:36:46,180 --> 00:36:47,550
- So I was talking about
Valentine's Day earlier.
783
00:36:47,550 --> 00:36:48,820
Do you do anything special
on Valentine's Day?
784
00:36:48,820 --> 00:36:51,460
- I have a romantic dinner
with my wives.
785
00:36:51,460 --> 00:36:53,660
- Oh, Greek gods have wives.
786
00:36:53,660 --> 00:36:55,190
- Yes, wives and virgins.
787
00:36:55,190 --> 00:36:59,800
- Mm.
What's the difference?
788
00:36:59,800 --> 00:37:04,270
- I call it "graduation."
789
00:37:04,270 --> 00:37:07,240
- But don't you have one
particular favorite sweetheart?
790
00:37:07,240 --> 00:37:08,840
- Well, it's not easy to say.
791
00:37:08,840 --> 00:37:10,580
- The one you like spending
the most time with.
792
00:37:10,580 --> 00:37:12,580
- [gasps]
Oh, yes, of course.
793
00:37:12,580 --> 00:37:14,780
She's the greatest of all time.
794
00:37:14,780 --> 00:37:18,380
- Ah, the greatest of all time.
She's the G.O.A.T.
795
00:37:26,290 --> 00:37:32,200
- [bleating] Yes.
796
00:37:32,200 --> 00:37:33,400
- But, Achimedes, are there
797
00:37:33,400 --> 00:37:36,100
any actual people
that you like?
798
00:37:36,100 --> 00:37:38,040
- Well...
799
00:37:38,040 --> 00:37:41,010
I like you.
800
00:37:41,010 --> 00:37:43,140
- Me?
- Yeah.
801
00:37:43,140 --> 00:37:46,680
I think you are my best friend.
802
00:37:46,680 --> 00:37:48,050
- Well, thank you.
803
00:37:48,050 --> 00:37:50,250
- And isn't Valentine's Day
when you say that?
804
00:37:50,250 --> 00:37:51,780
- Well, you can say that
at any time but
805
00:37:51,780 --> 00:37:54,550
yeah, friends can be recognized
on Valentine's Day too.
806
00:37:54,550 --> 00:37:56,590
- OK. And I--
807
00:37:56,590 --> 00:37:59,890
I kinda need you.
- Well, thank you.
808
00:37:59,890 --> 00:38:04,260
- I mean, 'cause otherwise
I might fall off of this thing.
809
00:38:04,260 --> 00:38:06,160
- Right.
- But it's more than that.
810
00:38:06,160 --> 00:38:07,300
- Thank you.
811
00:38:07,300 --> 00:38:09,300
And I feel the same way.
812
00:38:09,300 --> 00:38:12,970
- [softly] Thanks.
813
00:38:12,970 --> 00:38:16,510
♪ I can't live ♪
814
00:38:16,510 --> 00:38:19,780
♪ If living is without you ♪
815
00:38:19,780 --> 00:38:22,380
♪ I can't live ♪
816
00:38:22,380 --> 00:38:27,290
♪ I can't give any more ♪
817
00:38:27,290 --> 00:38:30,890
- [chuckles]
818
00:38:30,890 --> 00:38:32,720
- What are you laughing at?
819
00:38:32,720 --> 00:38:35,630
- Well, sometimes I ad lib
myself into a corner,
820
00:38:35,630 --> 00:38:39,630
and don't quite know
how to get out of it.
821
00:38:39,630 --> 00:38:41,570
So.
822
00:38:45,240 --> 00:38:46,600
- Yeah, it's a little awkward.
823
00:38:46,600 --> 00:38:48,610
- Little bit.
- Yeah.
824
00:38:48,610 --> 00:38:50,740
- Uh, what was that song?
- What?
825
00:38:50,740 --> 00:38:52,280
- What was the name
of that song?
826
00:38:52,280 --> 00:38:54,350
- I don't--wait.
827
00:38:54,350 --> 00:38:56,180
How the hell do I know
the lyrics to the song
828
00:38:56,180 --> 00:38:59,780
and you don't know the name?
829
00:38:59,780 --> 00:39:02,920
- I don't know. I--I--
I know it's from the '70s.
830
00:39:02,920 --> 00:39:07,690
- Well, thank you, Casey Kasem.
831
00:39:07,690 --> 00:39:09,160
What are you doing?
- What's the name of that song?
832
00:39:09,160 --> 00:39:13,200
I got to--
833
00:39:13,200 --> 00:39:14,300
I was right,
it was Harry Nilsson.
834
00:39:14,300 --> 00:39:16,500
Uh, yeah, it was "Without You."
835
00:39:16,500 --> 00:39:20,570
- What are you doing?
- I just--I don't know.
836
00:39:20,570 --> 00:39:22,810
Play "Without You"
by Harry Nilsson.
837
00:39:22,810 --> 00:39:25,110
- You don't have the signal.
That is never going to--
838
00:39:25,110 --> 00:39:28,410
oh, you got--
[song playing]
839
00:39:28,410 --> 00:39:31,450
♪ ♪
840
00:39:31,450 --> 00:39:35,520
- ♪ No, I can't forget
this evening ♪
841
00:39:35,520 --> 00:39:39,320
♪ Or your face
as you were leaving ♪
842
00:39:39,320 --> 00:39:41,260
♪ But I guess that's just-- ♪
843
00:39:41,260 --> 00:39:43,290
- Oh, look,
the phones are coming out.
844
00:39:43,290 --> 00:39:46,500
It's going to be like
a rock concert!
845
00:39:46,500 --> 00:39:49,570
- ♪ You always smile,
but in your eyes ♪
846
00:39:49,570 --> 00:39:51,340
- Look at that!
- ♪ Your sorrow shows ♪
847
00:39:51,340 --> 00:39:54,110
- You can do that, that's--
[laughs]
848
00:39:54,110 --> 00:39:57,810
- ♪ No, I can't forget
tomorrow ♪
849
00:39:57,810 --> 00:40:01,910
♪ When I think of
all my sorrows ♪
850
00:40:01,910 --> 00:40:06,580
♪ When I had you there
but then I let you go ♪
851
00:40:06,580 --> 00:40:09,450
- I love this.
I think I'm going to cry!
852
00:40:09,450 --> 00:40:14,330
- ♪ And now it's only fair
that I should let you know ♪
853
00:40:14,330 --> 00:40:17,300
- OK, we're going to have to
sing the chorus.
854
00:40:17,300 --> 00:40:20,300
Are you ready?
Here it goes, everybody!
855
00:40:20,300 --> 00:40:24,400
- ♪ Oh ♪
856
00:40:24,400 --> 00:40:28,510
[all singing]
♪ I can't live ♪
857
00:40:28,510 --> 00:40:31,980
♪ If living is without you ♪
858
00:40:31,980 --> 00:40:35,550
♪ I can't live ♪
859
00:40:35,550 --> 00:40:39,250
♪ I can't give any more ♪
860
00:40:39,250 --> 00:40:43,290
♪ I can't live ♪
861
00:40:43,290 --> 00:40:46,520
♪ If living is without you ♪
862
00:40:46,520 --> 00:40:50,290
♪ I can't give ♪
863
00:40:50,290 --> 00:40:55,030
♪ I can't give any more ♪
864
00:40:55,030 --> 00:40:59,440
- Ah, that was fantastic!
[cheers and applause]
865
00:40:59,440 --> 00:41:00,840
Say goodnight, Achimedes.
866
00:41:00,840 --> 00:41:04,640
- Thanks, Tampa Bay.
I love you!
867
00:41:04,640 --> 00:41:07,810
[upbeat rock music]
868
00:41:07,810 --> 00:41:14,350
♪ ♪
869
00:41:14,350 --> 00:41:15,620
- You guys have been
an awesome audience.
870
00:41:15,620 --> 00:41:17,290
Thanks for coming out.
871
00:41:17,290 --> 00:41:19,260
Happy Valentines Day,
everybody.
872
00:41:20,680 --> 00:41:23,320
[upbeat rock music]
873
00:41:23,320 --> 00:41:30,430
♪ ♪
874
00:41:40,800 --> 00:41:43,410
[beeping]
875
00:41:47,010 --> 00:41:49,280
- ♪ MTV ♪
62137
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