All language subtitles for The Cemetery Club_en

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- Thank you for my heart.
- I love you.

I don't wanna be late.
I don't wanna miss the grand entrance.

The groom is 80 years old.
How late could we be?

Where did Selma find this one?

I got a theory that Selma
studies the obituaries.

She reads where some
well-to-do guy, his wife dies...

so Selma calls him up and pretends to
be a childhood friend of the deceased.

Then she offers him
a variety of condolences.

They met on a cruise, Jake.

- Jake, you have your keys? I forgot mine.
- He's got 'em.

- I can feel 'em digging into my leg.
- We should've taken two cars.

- What, this seats six beautifully.
- This seats six painfully.

- Oh, Lucille!
- What?

- She put a run in my stocking.
- Oh! I'm sorry.

You should do like me. I'm gonna
put my stockings on when I get there.

Also the bra?

According to the laws
of Moses and Israel.

Do you, Selma,
of your own free will...

- take Irving to be your husband?
- I do!

She'll take him... for everything he's got.
- Shut up.

What's with all this feckuckteh Polynesian stuff?
- The cruise was to Tahiti.

Do you promise to love,
honor and cherish her throughout life?

I, I do.

- How much are you giving?
- Same as for her last one.

- Seventy-five.
- Too much, too much.

That's right, I'm giving 50.
I go down 25 each marriage.

See, I told you 100
was ridiculous.

- I'm takin' 50 out.
- Jake, I'll slap your hand.

I now pronounce you husband and wife.
You may break the glass.

I'll do it.

Aren't you going to kiss me?
A big juicy one.

What a racket.

Thank you, thank you. Hi!

I don't think he's
gonna last a year.

She's so beautiful.

Oh, are you a friend
of the bride or the groom?

Huh? Oh!
I'm sorry.

Uh-uh, I know
what you're thinking.

Hey, hey, you make a grab for that mike
and we're outta here.

Not a bad dip for a woman
who's had four children.

What are you talking,
two of them started with dips.

Jake!

Okay, everyone, picture time.
Husbands behind the wives.

Okay, everyone, let's pretend you're in
love and you can't live without each other.

- We are in love.
- Give me a pretend kiss.

Husbands behind the wives.

Okay!

- Very sorry.
- Thank you.

Mein hartsvaitik zu Dir.

I tell you...

I think it's worse to lose somebody the way
she did, you know, suddenly like that.

It's something
you never get over.

- I'm gonna get some wine. You want some?
- Thanks, Selma, that's nice.

Personally that's
how I wanna go, quick.

Sounds good to me.

- We'll take you to the movies, Esther.
- We'll play gin.

And we'll...
Ah, Doris.

Who's the looker?

The rabbi.
- I didn't recognize him without his tallis and everything.

He's a good-looking guy!

Lucille, you're out
of control. Hmph.

So, let me tell you
what happened.

- Thank you.
- Anyway, I can hardly sit in this dress.

It's so tight.
So, they're having dinner...

in this lovely restaurant when all
of a sudden Murray grabs his chest...

and he falls face down,
right smack, right in the food.

I tell you, it makes you
really stop and think, huh?

- Crystal, make sure everything's okay.
- Yes, ma'am.

Esther, for God's sake, let us do this for you.
- I can do it.

- Esther, we will do everything.
- I just want to wash a few.

I hate it out there with
the mirrors covered and everything.

I just hate it.

It's shiva.
You're supposed to hate it.

Hi, sweetheart.
I've already washed those.

- Lucille. You okay?
- Yeah, I'm fine.

I'm gonna kill Mel Goldstein. Schmuck grabbed me
a minute ago. Made an offer to buy Dad's car.

- What a horrible human being.
- Hope you told him to go screw himself.

- Lucille, watch your language.
- Where's my mom?

She wanted to be by
herself for a moment.

- Are you all right, sweetheart?
- Yeah, I'm fine.

I don't know what
she's gonna do.

She depended on Daddy
for everything.

She can depend on us now.

We will look after her.

- Mom?
- Go ahead.

Grandma?

Doris and I,
we've been through it.

Sometimes life is hell,
sometimes it's a bummer.

I didn't want you to be cold.

Mm-hmm.

A "bummer"? You call losing a husband
a "bummer"?

She knew what I meant.

- How do you come to use a word like that?
- It's just a word.

A bummer is getting a run in your
stocking, not losing your husband!

A bummer, Doris,
is what you are right now.

Hmph.

You sure you don't want me to stay with you?
- No, thanks.

- I wish you'd come home with us, Mom.
- No, I want to stay here.

You go on.
Jessica's exhausted.

So am I. I'll be
all right, honest.

- Okay, good night.
- Good night, Paul.

- Good night.
- Good night.

Mom.

- I'll call you first thing.
- Okay.

And so, as we gather here...

to unveil and dedicate
this metzaveh...

this headstone and resting place
to our beloved Murray Moskowitz...

we acknowledge that a
mourning cycle of one year...

comes to an end.

May his soul be bound up
in the bond of life.

Amen.

Morning, morning, how are you?

Beautiful unveiling. Now,
did you get the bill yet...

- for perpetual care?
- No.

- Lucille, did you?
- I haven't paid the last bill yet.

- Hi, Al.
- Hi, ladies.

Listen, when Blue Cross
pays me for Jake being sick...

I'll pay the cemetery
for Jake being dead.

You didn't get a double headstone.
How come?

I have a nine-year-old
granddaughter.

It's bad enough she has to see her
grandfather's name on a tombstone.

What would I put under mine?
"Coming soon."

- Atta girl.
- Ladies!

Gerty, 80 years old, is telling a friend
about a date she had.

She says, "He took me to the movies.
If I tell you, the guy was an animal.

"I had one eye on the picture,
the other eye on his hands."

"His hands were everywhere.
Here, here, here, here.

But he couldn't
find my money."

So where was the money?

Forget it.
It doesn't matter.

- It's a joke, Doris.
- That was a joke?

That wasn't a joke.
A joke has a punchline.

- It had a punchline.
- A punch line is funny. That wasn't funny.

You have no sense of humor.
- I have a sense of humor. What I don't have is a menu.

If Henny Youngman had you for an audience,
he would never have got past "go."

If Roseanne had you for
a waiter, she'd be a size two.

Oh, uh, the gentleman over
there sent over this V-8.

Oh, my God, do you
know who that is?

I never saw him before
in my life.

Sol Hyman, big in mail order. He heard you
had the unveiling, so he's making his move.

- His move?
- He does it with all the widows.

He tried it with me after Jake's unveiling.
- You're kidding?

Esther, you know Rose Solomon?

He went after Rose Solomon
in the cemetery.

I don't believe
what I'm hearing.

Believe. You're
a single woman now...

- I am not!
- Lucille! Please.

I'm not saying she should
go out with this guy.

All I'm saying is,
now, you're in the market, kid.

- The market?
- The market.

And guys are going to
start hitting on you.

And there is nothing wrong with you
getting a little.

- I don't wanna hear anymore.
- What is the matter with you?

What? I'm not saying
anything the rabbi didn't say.

I don't remember the rabbi standing
over Murray's grave saying...

she should get a little.

He said that now is the time for you
to go on with your life. Same thing.

Only in your diseased mind.

Could we just drop the whole thing, please?
- Don't pay any attention to her.

- You okay?
- I'm fine.

- Aw.
- Aw.

Jake's municipal bond
comes due today...

and that is how
I am going to pay for this coat.

You're already wearing the coat.

Yeah, well, I already wrote a check. That's
why we're here, so I don't get arrested.

You about ready, Esther?

Yeah.

Gail thinks I oughta
cash in Murray's bonds, but...

I don't think I will.

I think I'm gonna leave everything
just as he planned it.

So...
let's go to the cemetery.

Why the rush? I have to pay
this guy this bond.

I don't want to be late
for the cemetery.

What? if you're
a little late, he leaves?

She doesn't remember
what day this is.

She remembers.

She just... forgot.

- It's Abe's 4th anniversary today.
- Oh, my God, I forgot.

Would you believe
four years ago today?

You remembered.

Of course, I remembered.

- She remembered.
- Of course she remembered.

How could I forget? Abe died almost
exactly one year before Jake.

- What?
- It was two years before Jake.

- Two years?
- And three years before Murray.

So then, Murray died
one year after Jake.

And three years after Abe.
- So Jake died two years after Abe and one before Murray.

That's what I'm
trying to tell you.

- So who died the year before Jake?
- No one.

- Are you sure?
- Of course I'm sure. Positive.

Abe died four years ago today!

That's what I said!

Hmm.

Why don't the two of you meet me at
Abe's grave when you're finished?

We can have a little gathering
for the anniversary.

- We'd love to.
- Sure.

And uh, Janey's boy...

little Bobby...

looks more and more
like you every day.

This... is from his
third birthday party.

Look at that face.
Your smile.

Also, your big ears.

It's hard, Abe.

The kids try, but...

they live so far away.

They're all so...

scattered.

So, Jake...

read any good books lately?

I guess I'll have to do
all the talking again.

Nice, like when we were married.

Except now at least I know
where you are every night.

Hey, wait a minute.
It's called perpetual care...

because that's what you're supposed
to do, take care perpetually.

Look, I got about 1,000 graves
to deal with.

I don't give a shit about 1,000 graves!
I'm talkin' about one!

This one! Myrna S. Katz!
You got it?

If you don't take better
care of it, you're

gonna find yourself a lot
closer to your work!

- Don't threaten me, asshole!
- Who are you pushing, huh?

Oh, my God.

Who you push-Who the...

Aaah! Get off my leg.
Get off my leg!

Ow! That's my ear!
Let go of my ear!

I'm callin' a cop!
I'm callin' a cop!

I am a cop!
- You should be ashamed of yourself, you asshole.

- Come back here. Come back, come here.
- Ashamed of yourself!?

- I'll punch the shit outta you! Come here!
- I'll back!

- I'll be back.
- You'll be back. You... creep!

You see that?

That son-of-a-bitch bit me.

- I'm sorry about the language.
- You had every right.

I just, I just
get crazy when they...

when they don't take
proper care!

So, you visiting someone
in the neighborhood?

Yeah, over there.

You come to the cemetery, your wife stays home?
- Lucille.

My wife is who I came to visit.

She was a very nice, neat woman.

And the grave, for being such a mess,
it's just not right.

I'm sorry again
about the uproar, okay?

That's all right.
It, it was very exciting.

Thanks, you're a good sport.
Have a nice day.

You too.

- Did you see it?
- What?

The way he was undressing me with his eyes.
- Undressing you?

- You better believe it.
- I missed that.

Come on.

Hey, you missed the excitement.

I don't care about men fighting.
I care about having a few moments...

to think and remember Abe.

Of course you do.

He's a good-looking guy.

Shh.

Why don't we invite him
to join us at Nader's?

- Lucille.
- We know he's single.

- I don't believe this.
- What?

How much longer
do we have to stand here?

I would just like to have a few
moments of silence for my husband...

who died exactly
four years ago today!

It's okay. Okay.

Have you ever seen him before?

Look, you wanna pick up men,
do it at Jake's grave!

Doris.
- No, she's desecrating Abe's memory with her behavior.

- This is bullshit.
- Lucille.

- Tramping on my husband's grave.
- What am I standing here for?

Just because Abe kicked off
three years ago today...

Four years! Four years!

- Terrific!
- That's it!

- This whole day is ruined!
- Doris.

- Shot to hell!
- Doris! Doris!

I'm sorry, Abe.
Rest in peace.

You stand at Abe's graveside
as if he had died yesterday.

That is the way I will
stand for as long as I live.

For as long as
you live? Good.

So from now on,
you can do it without me.

As of today, I officially
resign from this...

This...
cemetery club!

Hmph.

Come on, you two,
don't be like this.

I've had it up to here
with this goddamn cemetery.

I refuse to be in a club
where half the members are dead.

That... that...
is a terrible thing to say.

I guarantee you, if we took
a roll call right now...

three of the members
would be marked absent.

And that is why...
we visit them.

Doris!
Where are you going?

To the bus!

You wanna keep trimmin' ivy?
You can do it with Doris.

When you're ready to start
living, you can do it with me.

Bye, Mur.

Hey! Why are you so humpy
so early in the morning?

Let me guess.
Maureen?

- Mildred.
- Mildred?

- What happened to Corene?
- What do I know?

I've been going with Mildred
for six months. Aaron's diner, Mildred.

Oh, that Mildred.

You know, you take up with these short-order
types, then you get pissed off...

- when they can't replace Myrna.
- That's wrong.

I'm not lookin' for
somebody to replace Myrna.

- Myra was it.
- Okay, then.

Then how come you keep
punishing yourself?

You quit the cops,
which I know you love, Ben.

But professional hacking?
Drivin' a cab?

Never invest in more than,
"Where to,"

"Have a good day," in anybody.

You're slippin', man.

You're startin' to slide.
Hear what I'm sayin'?

And while I'm at it, your
cab looks like shit too.

- I can't believe I'm doing this.
- Come on, tell the truth.

Isn't this exciting?

You didn't tell me
it was a singles weekend.

If it was a weekend for couples,
we wouldn't be here.

I know, but I thought it was... I mean, I
figured that it was just like a weekend.

It's just like a weekend,
only for singles.

Come on, we've only got
two hours to get made up.

Well, now, this is more like it.
Let the games begin.

Hey, hey, hey:

Here you are, ladies.

Thank you.

Oh, thank you so much.

- It's beautiful.
- Enjoy your dinner.

Thank you. I feel ridiculous.
I think you put too much makeup on me.

There's no such thing
as too much makeup.

Who are the other
two places for?

- Call it fate.
- Call it destiny.

But here we are.
I'm Bill, this is Morty.

Hi.
- if the dishes on the menu are like the two at this table...

we're gonna eat good tonight!

Oooh!
Ahhh!

And the amazing thing is
I jog, I play handball...

I even swim and with it all,
the hair stays on.

I don't believe it.
That gorgeous head of hair!

Were you putting us on?
That's no toupee.

- Very, very expensive, of course.
- Mine too.

- No!
- Really?

Really, feel! Run your fingers
through it, sweetheart.

Oh, no, that's all right.
It's too perfect.

I wouldn't want to mess
with it -I mean, mess it.

- Oh.
- Oh, you can. That's the whole point.

This is what I'm trying
to tell you.

It feels exactly like real hair!

- Go ahead.
- Oh, no, thank you.

- I don't want to.
- Come on!

Esther, go ahead.

- Go ahead.
- Touch it, touch it.

There you go.

You've got some kind
of jelly on it, don't you?

Exactly like real hair.

- Exactly.
- Exactly.

You were wonderful
last night with the band.

It's like everybody always says,
you could have been a professional.

Should have been.

I know I spoiled your fun.
I'm sorry.

- We paid for two nights.
- You should have let me take the bus home!

There was nothing wrong with those guys.
What's wrong is that you are a snob.

I am not a snob.
I'm not!

You're not the one that had to
touch that... slimy toupee.

Those guys were wearing
custom-made grade "A" rugs.

500 bucks minimum.

They were absolutely okay,
respectable guys.

You're probably right.

It's...
It's just that, you know...

I met Murray
when I was only 18 years old...

and I got married when
I should have been single...

and now I'm single
when I should be married.

My timing's way off.

Well, you better get it right:
Otherwise, you are going to spend...

a lot of long, lonely nights.

- Hello?
- Oh, you're home.

I thought you and Lucille would be
out cavorting through the mountains.

So if you didn't think
I was home, why'd you call?

I took a chance.
Maybe you came to your senses.

I certainly did.

Well, um, you know, we have to
take a bus to the cemetery today.

Lucille, of course,
won't be going.

I'm not going either, Doris.

What are you going to do, go out
with Lucille checking out saloons?

No, I'm going to spend the day
with my granddaughter.

Are you sure?
Maybe you'll change your mind.

- No, I won't change my mind.
- Well, maybe tomorrow.

No, Doris.

I'll talk to you later, okay?

Bye.

- Nita.
- Hi.

Hi there, sugarplum.

- And Esther.
- Hello, Nita.

- My goodness, you haven't been in since...
- I know.

I can't remember. I've been
wanting to talk to you.

I hope you're satisfied
with how we're doing.

This lousy recession.
- Well, I'm just so grateful that you're here.

Until we find a buyer...

You girls know
where everything is.

We're just looking for anything
with "Broadway" in the title.

- Anything else?
- No, thanks.

They should be right over here.

Hey-

Ben! The guy
at the cemetery last week.

Oh. How's the bite?

Well, it's, uh, it's fine.

Moskowitz has
a good selection of jazz.

Moskowitz was my husband.

- You're kidding?
- He liked jazz.

- I come in here all the time.
- Do you?

- I found one.
- What have you got?

"Broadway Hits."
'50s, that's big stuff.

This is my granddaughter,
Jessica. This is Ben.

Hi, Jessica. Ben Katz, which entitles me
to nine lives, right?

This will work, honey.

Are you ladies in your own car
or on the hoof?

- On the hoof.
- Well, why don't I drive you home?

It's the least I can do after the way
I behaved at the cemetery.

I'll just pay for this.
- Oh, no, thank you very much. We'll be here a while.

- That'll be $8.97, please.
- I'll wait.

Thanks for the offer,
but we'll get a cab.

- It's no big deal.
- We'll get a cab. Thank you very much.

- Would you like a bag, sir?
- No bag, thanks. Suit yourself.

- Bye.
- Bye, Jessica.

Oh, there's one.

- Taxi!
- When are you going to play for me?

I don't know, soon.

- We'll see what we can do.
- Okay.

Where to, ladies?
- Two stops. The first one is 1240 Henderson Avenue...

You got it.

I thought you were a policeman.

Well, I am.
Well, I was.

- But I'm retired Okay?
- Okay. I think.

Excuse me.

Two chopped livers.

Hmm.

- Be with ya in a minute, Lucille.
- Thanks, Al.

Oh, Sadie calls up the
"New York Times" and says...

"I'd like to place an ad
in the obituary column."

The guy says, "Fine, what
would you like it to say?"

She says, "Just put
'Max is dead.' That's it."

The guy says, "The ad'll cost you
$50 and you're allowed six words."

She says, "Okay, put 'Max is dead.
Toyota for sale."'

That to you is funny?

Hmm.

Never occurred to me
you'd be here.

I'm here every Sunday
for four years.

Slipped my mind.
- Why don't you just admit you came to apologize?

- I came to have lunch.
- I accept your apology. Come, sit here.

So... what do you think
of the hat?

- Nice, matches the coat.
- Guess how much.

Something like that on sale,
a little haggling...

you should have paid
maybe what, $250.

What do you do,
follow me into stores?

- This house?
- Right over there.

- That's it.
- All right.

Big house.

- What do I owe you?
- Can you believe that?

I forgot to turn on the meter.

Oh, well, you have to let me
give you something.

No, no, I'll tell you what.
You make me a coffee...

and we'll call it even,
how's that?

All right.

All right.

- Oh, I'll get it.
- Oh, thank you.

Oops.

- Can I help you?
- Oh, thank you.

- Sorry.
- It's all right. I'll just put it here.

- You have a beautiful home here.
- Thank you.

You're welcome.

- Whew, my.
- Sit. Sit.

- I'll make the coffee.
- Instant's, uh, great with me.

- Uh, could I...
- What?

I was gonna ask you if I could
help you with, with the water?

Oh, no, water I can manage.
Thanks.

"Help with the water."
What a putz.

Hmm.

Oops! Ow!

Oh.

- Here we are.
- Uh, family photos?

- Yes.
- Terrific, terrific photos.

Thank you.

- Mr. Katz?
- Uh, Ben.

- Ben. Esther.
- Esther.

May I, uh, ask you
a really personal question?

- Shoot. Uh, no milk.
- No milk.

- Sugar?
- No sugar. Thank you.

How often do you
go to the cemetery?

I don't know. I guess
whenever I feel the need.

This week would have been
my tenth anniversary.

Uh, I felt I should go.

- Only the tenth?
- Uh-huh.

Murray and I were married
for 39 years...

practically my whole adult life.

I married late. Came as a surprise
marrying Myrna.

And we had seven
wonderful years together.

How come you
never married earlier?

Well, I always figured
I wasn't the marrying kind.

- And then all of a sudden you were?
- Yeah.

You think you're used
to living alone.

Then, out of nowhere,
you're not used to it.

What about you?

Oh, when I was 18
I had a summer job...

playing piano for
a tap-dancing class.

And, uh, one day I walked into Moskowitz
music to buy some sheet music...

and, well...

three months later
I was married to Murray.

He got you before
you learned to drive.

Or much of anything else.

Excuse me.

'Hi!
'Hi!

- Hi.
- We ran into each other at Nader's.

Are you going to invite us in or shall
we stand on the lawn with lanterns?

Ben, Ben Katz.

Uh, this is Doris and
Lucille you met last week.

He did?
- At the cemetery. We bumped into each other.

He was visiting his wife...
I mean, her grave.

The cop.
Well, I missed the action.

Yeah, I took Jessica in
to buy some sheet music...

and there was Ben in the store.

We just bumped into each other.

- Again, you bumped into each other.
- That's two bumps in one week.

We were just having some coffee.

I'd love a cup.

Um, uh...

Even I wouldn't let
a stranger into my house.

- You're a married woman.
- I'm a widowed woman.

And he wasn't a stranger.

That's right. He drove you home.
You should give him a set of keys.

I still can't imagine what
you thought you were doing.

You'll end up on the news. They'll be
interviewing Doris and me, friends of the victim.

Going out with a man...
of that sort.

- And what sort is that?
- The sort that for a living makes tips.

He is an honorably retired
police officer, a sergeant.

Please!
A Kojak he's not.

I don't want to hear another word
on this subject and I mean that.

Suzanne darling, block out June 18th.
I need the works!

The full megillah.
Renaldo!

Wash, cut, color. Michelle,
I'm gonna need my nails with tips...

- and a wax... bikini. Girls!
- Hi, Selma.

- Have I got news!
- You're getting married again.

Number four.
- The ink isn't even dry on your divorce papers.

But Irving,
he was all wrong for me.

This guy, this guy is great!

Oh, I'm nuts about him.
I'm head over heels.

- He's got money.
- Like it's growing on trees.

Which in this case,
it really does.

You know the, uh, Bonfigliano fruit emporium chain?
- Sure.

Well, he is Ed Bonfigliano.

Bonfigliano?
That's not a Jewish name.

Well, he's not a Jewish man.

Selma Bonfigliano?

Is that not like music, huh?
Selma Bonfigliano

- Married to the mob.
- No!

This guy is straight
as an arrow.

We've set a date.
Were getting married on June 19th.

- I want you girls to be there.
- We've never missed one of your weddings.

They're like reunions.

Great, because this time I want
you three to be the bridesmaids.

- What?
- What?

What happened to the ones
you used the last time?

I never use the same bridesmaids
twice. It's bad luck.

- Ah, well, but...
- Come on, girls, what do ya say?

Oh, we'd be honored, all of us.

That's just great!
I'm gonna call you next week!

Well set up a date to go
shopping for dresses, okay?

Oh, my God, I gotta run.
I got to run. Kiss, kiss, kiss.

A bacia me, a bacia you!

- Bye, Selma!
- Bye, girls! Bye, Renaldo.

Esther.

Well, she was so excited.
What did you want me to say?

Besides, come on, it'll be fun.

Like being an accomplice
to a crime.

Uh-huh.

- Hello?
- Hello, Esther?

- Yes? Who's this?
- Ben, Ben Katz.

Oh, hello.

- Am I interrupting something?
- Oh, no.

I mean,
my daughter's here, but...

- Who is it?
- Shh.

Um, did, um, Jessica leave
something in your taxi?

Oh, no, nothing like that.
I was just calling to ask if...

if maybe you would want to have
dinner together one night.

You mean, like in a restaurant?

- I mean, us?
- Yeah us.

Go to dinner... out.

- Is someone asking you out on a date?
- Will you be quiet!

- What?
- Oh, I'm sorry, not you.

So what do you say?

You're gonna love this place.
The food is sensational.

- You like Italian?
- I think they're very nice people.

Everything okay?

I haven't been on a date
in 40 years.

Would it make you
feel better if I...

promise not to order
the same thing you do?

Or, uh...

we could sit at separate tables.

Or better yet...

I could drop you at this restaurant,
then I'll eat somewhere else altogether.

Come back, pick you up.

Sure.

You got beautiful teeth.

Thank you.

They're all mine.

Esther?

Esther?

Remember I told you
Murray died of a heart attack?

Yeah?

It was while we were
in a restaurant.

Oh.

That table over there.

- Oh, my God.
- Mmm.

Waiter!

The thing is, a cop can carry a gun loaded
with the same ammo for sometimes 20 years.

Really?
- They don't fire their gun. They don't change their ammo.

- Ammo goes dead on 'em.
- In 20 years?

That's what happened to me the time I got shot.
- You got shot?

- Here you go.
- Uh-huh. Bring us some fries.

- Hey, Katz, long time no see.
- John! How's the job?

- Great, man!
- Good, good.

This lunatic
had taken a hostage.

We had him cornered. I was
workin' with this canine cop.

Now, he and his dog were ahead
of me but hugging the dirt.

Suddenly, the perpetrator pops up
in the window and takes a shot...

misses the canine couple,
gets me in the shoulder.

Clean shot.
Bullet in, bullet out.

I'm standing there breathing
through my mouth...

when this nut pops up again
and shoots the dog.

No kidding?
- No. A dog still on a leash? That wakes me up.

So I run in the room and I shoot the perp.
I get him right in the mouth.

- Oh, God.
- What happens is...

the diseased bullet I shoot
only cracks his two front teeth...

cuts his palette, after which
he swallows the bullet.

Now, this upsets him. He starts dancing
around screaming and we jump him.

I don't believe you.

- Can I ask you a question?
- Sure, go ahead.

- Have you ever told this story before?
- Oh, yeah, a few times.

Does it always work for you?
I mean, with women?

Never fails, until now.

So by the time
the ambulance got there...

he was gone.

It just seems so unreal.

You know, there we were,
enjoying a wonderful dinner and...

When I got home that night...

his cigar was still
in the ashtray.

His toothbrush was still damp.

You know?
I mean, I just...

I couldn't make sense of it.

It's like, one day...

you're looking
into his face as he proposes...

and the next day
you're standing at his grave...

remembering how nervous
he had been.

And between those two days...

39 years had gone by.

Well, how about you?

How come a police officer...

leaves the force
and decides to drive a taxi?

It's hard to explain.

I, uh, I quit when Myrna died.

- Why?
- Kind of a gesture, I guess.

She never wanted to be married to
a cop in the first place, but she did.

She was always scared.

I felt bad for her,
but I didn't quit.

I put the house in her name,
took out a life insurance policy.

She didn't like to talk
about things like that, so...

I never told her.

I know she prayed for me
every day of our married life.

Seven years.
I never prayed for her.

Then she was gone.
That's when I quit.

Too late to do her any good,
but like I said...

a gesture.

- You see this shrubbery under the bridge?
- Yeah.

That stuff is so thick that Robin Hood
and his gang could hang out safe.

This is your last chance:
if one piece of candy gets past you...

and into the packing room
unwrapped, you're fired!

- Yes, ma'am.
- Let 'er roll!

Oh, no.

- Ah, Grandma?
- Oh.

I'm sorry.
I couldn't sleep.

Excuse me.

What are you doing up?

Are you having bad dreams?

After the ceremony
in the renowned Lombardi chapel...

we have everyone
come down this breathtaking...

scardino staircase.

Then, of course, we all end up
here in the Penelli room...

for dinner and dancing, uh...

under the magnificent
Gambino chandelier.

That'll be a big surprise for your
guests, because the chandeliers...

weren't here
for your last wedding.

So, you ladies
take a look around.

I'm gonna go get the menus so
we can put together the dinner.

And you wanted to go
kosher Italian, right?

Yeah. And my husband is gonna
take care of all the fruit.

Of course,
we'll be honored, thrilled.

Excuse me.

- Oh, isn't this staircase romantic?
- It really is.

Selma, could I ask you something
that's very personal?

What's the point
of asking anything else?

Don't you find it hard to,
you know, be with somebody...

after being with somebody
else for a long time?

- Not really.
- But to fall in love all over again?

I don't wanna be in love
like I was the first time.

If Hal was five minutes late
coming home, I'd be hysterical.

I'd be standing by a window,
ripping my hair out, worrying...

is he dead somewhere
in a car accident?

- That kind of love takes too much energy.
- Oh.

I don't know what
would be harder.

Being with someone
that I didn't love or...

falling in love all over again.

Esther, at our age
you don't fall.

You get hurt too easy.

When you're young, it's not
so bad because you heal fast.

But at our age,
the heart is like the bones...

just a little more fragile.

So, I'm careful
not to fall when I walk...

and I'm careful
not to fall when I marry.

You know what I want at this stage in my life?
- Uh-uh.

Comfort, security.

I want a friend.

A good dancer.

Ah, Don Juan I don't need.
Ed Bonfigliano is just fine.

Huh?

Okay, try it again.

Wait a minute.

I don't know what
you're bothering for.

Esther, you can't let a car sit this long
without running it every once in a while.

Okay, try it again.

Go ahead.
Esther!

Oh, uh, sorry.

She's back to life.

Wh-What are you doing?

Scoot over.

Why?

Lady, you're gonna learn
how to drive!

What? Are you
outta your mind?

It's ridiculous
for you not to drive.

- But I can't learn how to drive at my age.
- And what age is that?

Never mind what age it is. It's not driving age.
- Well, think of it...

- as a big wheelchair with a motor.
- Oh.

Put your hands on the wheel.

- Put your foot on the brake. Okay.
- Yeah.

- Now, I'm gonna put it in drive.
- Okay.

Oh! Oh, we're moving.
We're moving.

- Whoa!
- Sorry. You all right?

You just press your foot
down on the brake gently.

- Okay, I got it now.
- Okay.

Like that? That was too much,
wasn't it?

Okay, one more time.
There I go.

- Now I'm gonna get it. There!
- Agh!

Like that?
Is that good?

"Yeah, that was great.
Great!"

He said, as the truck
entered the rear window.

Aw, I thought it was good, but I can do better.

I'm driving!

This place is great.
Thank you for bringing me here.

- It's my pleasure.
- I love to dance!

- Oop! Oh, God!
- Here, let me get that for you.

I'm a slob.

How 'bout you?
Do you like to dance?

Well, yeah.
Well, I guess so.

Well, could we?

Sure!

Uh, this could go either way.

I'm willing to take my chances.

Hey, you're really terrific!

I'm really kind of rusty.

Myrna must've been
a wonderful dancer, huh?

She was.

Do you want me to stay with you tonight?

I register, get the key...

come back out
and give it to you.

- Okay.
- You go up to the room... and wait for me.

- And where will you be?
- Oh.

I'll shoot the breeze
with the house dick. He's an old friend.

- Ben!
- I'm kidding! I'm kidding!

I'll act like
I'm making a phone call...

uh, something.

I'll lurk.
No sweat, okay?

No sweat? What if I see someone
who knows me? What?

Say hello, then say good-bye.

They'll want to know
why I'm there...

in a hotel by myself
after midnight!

Well, what about them?
What the hell are they doing...

hanging around the hotel lobby
after midnight?

- Yeah.
- Hey it's The '90's.

Anybody gets curious with you,
tell them to fuck off!

- Uh...
- I mean that.

- Be right back with the key.
- Okay.

Oh, my God!

- Oh, I'm sorry.
- Don't worry, I got it.

I got it.

- Oh, thanks. Gotta go.
- All right, man.

- You too.
- Take care.

- Who is it?
- It's me.

Can't be too safe.

Who was that man
that I saw you talking to?

The house detective really was a guy I knew.
- Oh, no!

- He used to be security at the Marquis.
- What did you say to him?

I told him the plumbing in my house
had backed up and I had to get out:

That I was gonna check into
the Ramada Inn and then decided...

"What the hell!
Give myself a treat."

So, I got dressed up
and came here instead.

- You made up all those lies?
- Yeah.

Why didn't you just tell him
to go fuck himself?

- Wait. Hold it.
- Mmm.

- It's all right? Okay.
- Yes.

- Um...
- Come here.

W-Wait! Could we...
Could we have the lights off?

- Sure.
- Thank you.

Just so you know...

I've got a scar
from a hysterectomy.

Well, I got a bullet
entrance and exit.

- And... gall bladder surgery.
- Oh, I'll see that...

and raise you
a kidney stone removal.

- I think that about covers it.
- Yeah.

Mmm.

- Oh, wait. Wait.
- What? What?

Well, aren't we supposed to,
um, you know...

I mean, do you have
one of those things?

Oh.
I'll be right back.

Ooh!

Did you put it on?

- I tried, but it died.
- Mmm.

Could I, uh, you know, uh...

give you a hand?

That's very thoughtful.

Would you know how to do it?

I'm sure I could figure it out.

Mm-hmm. Uh-hmm, uh!

Oh, gee!

- Yeah. Yeah.
- Oh, sorry.

- Is that all right?
- Uh-huh.

- There.
- Mm-hmm.

- How's that?
- I think it's gettin' better.

Where you going?

Oh, good morning.
Uh...

I've got to be
at the garage by 9:00.

So you were just gonna leave?

Oh, no, no!
Well, yes, but, uh...

I just wanted you to sleep
as long as you could.

It was a shame to wake you.

And so you...

You were just...
You were gonna just leave?

Uh, we could have
a quick breakfast.

Would you like that?

No, thank you.
I have to be somewhere too.

Okay.

Uh, I'll try to call you later.

- And a platinum card!
- Tahkeh!

Got another wedding coming in now.
I can't wait much longer!

- Where could Esther be?
- She'll be here.

- She knew the rehearsal was 10:30.
- It's not like her to be late!

- Never!
- Buon giorno! Ah, my little kumquat.

He loves to call me by fruits.

Oh, girls, I don't think
you've officially met.

Doris, Lucille...

this is my Ed, Ed Bonfigliano.

- Hello.
- Pleased to meet you.

Did she tell you how we met?

- At a rumba lesson, was it?
- Very romantic.

- She told you how I dipped her?
- Ed!

- Knee right between the legs!
- Ed!

- Could I have a word with you, please?
- Certainly.

- Bubeleh, I'll be right back.
- Hurry.

Ah, Theresa, avanti.

Ladies, this is my sister, Theresa.
These are the flower girls.

- Bridesmaids!
- Yeah.

Dottie and Louise.

- Doris, Lucille.
- Whatever.

Jewish?

You don't believe in the pope.

- Uh...
- No.

Hmph!

- Nice woman... warm.
- Mmm.

- There she is, over there by Murray.
- I told you.

- Come on.
- I'm coming.

Hurry.

Esther, what are you doing
out here by yourself?

You know you missed
Selma's rehearsal?

Esther, what's with you?

Look at me.
What's going on?

I spent the night
in a hotel room with Ben.

Was it good?

- Oh, my God!
- What?

It's okay, it's okay.
We're here.

- Come on, we'll take you home.
- Yes, come on.

I don't want to.

Yes, hello, in Pittsburgh.

Could I please have an address
for a Benjamin Katz?

Wants to know if it starts with a
with a c.

Starts with a K ends with a z.

- Jewish operator she's not.
- Mmm.

Ben-ja-min,
just the way it sounds.

That's it.
Thank you.

And have a safe trip
back to earth.

Hello, Ben.

- Hello.
- Keep your voices down!

We need to come in.

Well, sure.

- Prune Danish.
- Thank you.

I've been redecoratin'.

- Would you like to sit?
- No, we're not staying long.

Oh, no, please,
I insist. Sit.

Are you girls thirsty?
Would you like a drink?

Oh, uh, uh...

- Go ahead, Doris.
- Thank you.

I'll just get
straight to the point.

We know you and Esther have been
seeing a lot of each other lately...

and that things are getting
pretty serious.

So?

Esther is totally shook up.
I have never seen her this upset.

The truth is, Esther is on the edge
of a nervous breakdown.

We have watched her try to keep control
ever since Murray's death.

She is terribly fragile,
deeply, deeply vulnerable.

Whatever is going on,
whatever you have pushed her into...

she could crack like an egg.

Wait a minute. I haven't pushed Esther
into anything.

Unfortunately, she has also
been under the influence...

of a person with
no moral character whatsoever.

- And who are you referring to?
- I think you know.

Why, because I don't think she should spend
her life polishing Murray's headstone?

Ladies, we're not
getting anywhere here.

Ben, I have to
be frank with you.

Esther is not used to your type.

What kind of type is that?

Esther's husband, Murray,
was a very gentle man...

no rough edges like a cop
naturally needs to have. You see?

Come here.

Listen, ladies, I know you're
trying to help your friend...

but this is between me and Esther,
know what I'm saying?

- Let's go.
- Let's go.

- This door!
- Get it!

No.
No, thanks.

I thought I oughta...

The other morning,
I had to get moving so early.

Oh, that was
perfectly all right.

I had to get home early too.

Well, listen, Esther,
that night...

it was really wonderful.

You are a fantastic lady.

Fantastic!

I don't know what the hell
you ever saw in a guy like me.

You're so far out of my league.

You don't have to put yourself down,
Ben. Please, it's...

It's really not necessary.

What does that mean?

Well, just that I...

I understand what
you're trying to say...

because I've been thinking
the same thing myself.

As a matter of fact,
I was gonna call you.

We just moved too fast,
that's all.

I mean, we're such
different people.

And it's obvious
that we just could never...

have anything lasting.

Yeah?

Well, that's just what
I figured you'd think.

Thanks for being so honest.

Well, I thought I owed you
at least that.

No, you don't owe me anything.
I'm just grateful I knew such a...

Such a...

Such a beautiful woman...

that was so smart.

Well, smart enough, anyway.

- No, don't get up, please.
- Let me drive you home.

No, thank you.
I'll call a cab.

Grandma?

That was wonderful, Jess.

- You weren't listening, were you?
- I'm sorry, honey.

- I've just got a lot of things on my mind.
- Like what?

You know, grown-up things.

Like Ben?

- I know, it ain't nobody's business.
- How'd you get so smart?

Let's try it again, and
how 'bout with the words this time?

- You know what I think this song's about?
- What?

It's about not being afraid.

Oh, I don't know.
It's just what I think.

And you taught it to me so that I
would do whatever I wanted to do...

and not to be afraid of,
well... stuff.

Right?

Right.

- Should we run through it?
- Yeah, let's run through it.

If I should take a notion
to jump into the ocean,

ain't nobody's business if I do.

I'm sorry, Myrna.
You know me.

I always seem to have
a problem without you.

Forgive me, huh?
I love you.

I love you, love you
and I miss you.

You know Constance Sherman?

I'll bet you two have been
goin' out dancin', huh?

I'll never forget you.

Pittsburgh Cab.

Hello, this is Esther Moskowitz.
It's account number 4101

- and I'd like a taxi to...
- What was that, madam?

- No, never mind. Cancel that. Thank you.
- All right:.

Hi.

Esther. Hi.

I drove here.

Could I come in, Ben?
I'd like to talk to you.

Are you all right?

I just always get
real emotional at weddings.

- This is Selma we're talking about.
- I know.

We are gathered here together in the sight
of God, in the presence of this company...

to join this man and this woman
in holy matrimony -

Into this holiest state...

these two persons present come now to be joined.
- Mmm.

If anyone can show just cause why they
may not be lawfully joined together...

speak now or else here after forever hold his peace.

For goodness sake.

Honestly!

Edward Bonfigliano...

will thou have this woman
to be thy wedded wife...

to live together after God's ordinance
in the holy state of matrimony?

Si, I do.

I'm gonna kill her.

Esther, where are you going?

Interfaith marriage is a difficult thing
for some people to accept.

- Wait! Stop!
- Oh, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

- What happened?
- Nothing, nothing, nothing.

It's not nothing, it's something.
It's Benjamin Katz, right?

Did it ever occur to you that you're not always right?
- Who, me?

I, I went to his apartment
and he was with another woman.

You lost a husband, for God's sake.
This is nothing!

- Then why does it hurt so much?
- Look!

Huh?
- I have children throwing fruit in the renowned Lombardi chapel...

a wedding couple about to have
their first fight...

a judge giving a lecture on
the problems of mixed marriages...

and 94 people beginning to argue
over who really killed Christ!

You think it might be possible
to just get through the ceremony?

Oh! Oh.

Oh, for God's sake!

But I feel so bad.
I ruined the whole wedding.

You didn't ruin anything, and I think
these affairs get better each time.

The affairs are getting better, but
the marriages, they're getting worse.

Home again, home again!

Okay, so who's having more wine?

Oh, I think I've had enough.

Tonight we are having
more than enough.

- Since when do you Keep wine in the house?
- Aha! I don't.

Look!
I took from the affair!

- Oh, I have some prune Danish.
- Oh, terrific!

- We'll have prune Danish and wine.
- And cookies.

I took also cookies and...

tiny chicken wings.

Oh, chicken wings!

But no dip. I should've brought
a container.

Well, we have wine, prune Danish,
chicken wings, cookies.

- What more could we want?
- Fruit: A banana...

two oranges, an apple, a kiwi...

and uh, I don't know
what this is.

A toast!
A toast!

- A toast to us.
- Oh, to us!

- L'chei-im!
- L'chei-im!

Friends.

Oh, I know what we need:
Music! Uh-huh!

We need music, and music I got!

- Here.
- Oh! Oh, God, no!

- That was Abe's favorite!
- Aw, come on. Let's dance.

- No, I couldn't.
- It'll make you feel better.

Come on, Doris.
Okay, the beat.

You lead.

I'm cutting in.
Cutting in.

Olé, olé.

- Doris, you okay?
- I've got such gas. All that fruit!

Come here.
Come here, honey.

- Here, sit.
- Ooh!

- Burp the baby.
- I know what she needs!

- She needs some more wine.
- No, no!

- Yes, yes.
- No.

Yes. Doris, it's
the best thing for you.

No, I've had enough.

Esther, how 'bout you?
You have a little more wine.

Lucille, I've had enough too.

Of course!
Everybody's had enough!

Yes, always enough!

Don't go too far. Don't have too much.
Just enough.

Well, tonight I've had enough...

and I'm having more.

When you die, you should have it
written on your headstones:

"Here lie Doris and Esther.
They had enough."

When I die, it's going to read:

""Here lies Lucille.
She wanted more."

- I think it's time to go home.
- Why? You had enough?

Yes!
Figures!

Let me tell you something, Lucille, there's
nothing wrong with having had enough.

It means that everything
you've had so far... is good!

You don't have to spend the rest of
your life making a fool of yourself...

always grabbing for more!

- Making a fool?
- Lucille, just let it rest, huh? Please.

I'm making a fool?
Ha!

You, Doris! You spend half your life
in a grave talking to the dead!

- Lucille, please don't do this.
- You keep Abe out of this!

Oh? Says who?
Every month, rain or shine...

there's Doris, yakking away
at Abe Silverman's grave!

Lucille, drop it, please.

I just hope for his sake that he was
buried with cotton in his ears!

You know why I go to the cemetery, Lucille?
Because my husband deserves it:

Because in all the years we were married,
he never cheated on me, not once!

He didn't have to.
Our marriage meant something!

I'm warning you!

And don't blame me because
your husband never loved you.

Ahh!

- Stop it, both of you. This is crazy.
- I'll tell you what's crazy.

That that bitch jumps on everything in
pants, and you follow right along...

throwing yourself at that man
and then crying how he treated you!

God knows what would have happened
if we hadn't told him to back off!

- What?
- We knew he was no good for you.

We could tell by his apartment.

- You went to his apartment?
- Yes, to talk to him.

- At least there was no woman there.
- Thank God'

I don't believe this!
- We wanted to Keep you from making a mistake.

- What about what I wanted?
- We were very very concerned about you.

You weren't concerned about me.
You were concerned about yourselves!

You couldn't stand it that
I wanted more out of life...

than clipping ivy with you
in the cemetery. And you...

you couldn't stand it that Ben
was interested in me, not you.

That's ridiculous!
We wanted to protect you!

From what, my own life? Who gave you
the right? Who put you in charge?

This is my life, not yours,
yours, Ben's or anyone else's.

From now on, any decisions
made about my life...

will be made exclusively by me!

Hello.

I don't have anything to say
to either one of you.

What's the matter?

I'll be right over.

Doris?

Doris?

Doris?

Doris, where are you?

Doris?

Oh. My God!

Yeah.

Hello. I need an ambulance
right away, please.

416 Mountclair...

two blocks south
of Windsor Boulevard.

Doris Silverman.

How do you feel?

- Good, and you?
- No. Doris?

A pain in my chest.

She has a pain in her chest.

- How old are you?
- None of their business.

She's early 60s.

- Fifty-nine!
- Fifty-nine.

Uh, Edgewood 54477.

All right, thank you.
They're coming right over.

They said you should just relax
and keep breathing.

- Good, sound medical advice.
- Here.

Let's put your feet up.

There, that's it. What were you doing up?
Why weren't you in bed?

Locking up.
You don't have to...

All right.
There.

- What is it, cold in here?
- Now...

just relax.

I'm sorry I yelled at you.

I'm sorry...

for what we did.

It's so hard for me
to understand...

what you want.

Me too.

Wrong to interfere.

I was afraid of losing you...

afraid of breaking us up.

No, come on.
We're never gonna break up.

We've been through
too much together.

Shh.

You know what?

What?

All of a sudden I'm hungry.

Thank God!

I'll get you something.
What do you want?

Potato k'nish.

A potato k'nish?

- L-It's in my bag.
- Where is it?

The dining room table.

It's a bagel, prune Danish,
potato k'nish.

I brought you all three.

Oh.

Oh.

Doris.

Mom, you okay?

- Yeah, I'm fine.
- Yeah?

- You?
- I'm fine.

I'm tired.
I'm gonna go home. I'm...

Thank God she went peacefully.

That's the way I wanna go:
In my sleep.

Sweetheart, the amount of time
we've been spending in bed...

I think your chances
are pretty good.

Hi, Esther.

I know you're in
a great deal of pain.

I wanna apologize...

for any pain that
I might have caused you.

Is there anything I can do?

All right.

I brought you some food.
You haven't eaten all day.

I haven't been with a man
since Jake died.

I just wanted everybody
to think...

that I was fine...

and that I didn't give a damn.

And, if he was up there
looking down...

I wanted him to watch me
with other men...

or to close his eyes...

the way I did for 35 years.

I really wanted
to be with other men...

but I couldn't...

not even once.

I really loved her.

I know.

And she knew.

There you are.
We'll deliver the drums on Thursday.

Thursday? Okay.
- Your son will be in heaven, maybe not so much you.

- Thanks.
- Thank you.

Nita, we're gonna have to reorder those
trombone cases. Get three of them.

- Three?
- Yeah, and two flute cases.

- Flutes.
- You know, if I tore down this wall...

I could expand
the CD department.

I'll get to that. And get some more
of these mini-component systems.

- They're selling. Get four. No, get six.
- I'll do it right away.

You look good.

- Thank you. I feel good.
- Esther...

I've b-been, I've been wanting
to talk to you.

Oh?

You have every right to hate me.

I don't hate you, Ben.

It just all happened too fast.

My ex-partner says
I drive a cab...

because I don't want
a commitment beyond 20 minutes.

- Ben, please.
- I was afraid.

Yes, so was I.

He also says
I was the kind of cop...

that's always ready to die...

and scared to live.

What do you want, Ben?

I suppose...

you probably, uh, want to...

get, uh...

I suppose that...

you wan... you want to,
uh, get m-married.

- Huh?
- No.

I don't want to get married
just to get married.

I have other options.

I'm not afraid to live alone.
I'm not afraid.

Well, what do you want?

You really want to know?

I think so.

I sure would love to go dancing.

How 'bout now?

- This could go either way.
- I'll take my chances.

- Ha!
- Oh!

Ten to one they'll be
married by the end of the year.

Me and Selma
will probably be bridesmaids.

That's a switch, Selma
at somebody else's wedding.

I probably won't be seeing much
of Esther.

Oh, God, Doris,
I'm gonna miss you.

But I'm telling you now...

I am not coming here every month
picking leaves out of the ivy.

I'm not going to remember
you and me in this place.

I'm going to remember you...

dancing with Esther...

not laughing at Al's jokes...

pulling chicken wings
out of your purse.

So, see you when I see you.

Oh, and listen...

if you run into Jake,
tell him...

Tell him I finally said...

good-bye.

I think there comes a time
when you have to let go, Doris.

Like Selma, getting married
again at her age? It's ridiculous!

- Selma's only the same age I am.
- I rest my case.

You want to start talking age? Doris,
after all, soon you're going to be...

Lucille!
- It's like watching my two older sisters fight!

Keep out of this. You're
only three days younger than Doris.

Look who's talking! I was there
when you celebrated your 50th birthday...

- for the fourth time!
- I did no such thing!

- Oh, yes, you did.
- It so happens, I am very proud of my age.

- I think I look pretty terrific.
- You do.

I hope I look as good as you do at your age.
- You did.

Lucille, I just hope
I reach your age.

Doris, you've been my age twice.

Lucille, you've been your age
since I've known you.

How 'bout we call it a tie
on this one, girls?

Fine!