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1
00:00:42,000 --> 00:00:44,389
You don't look much like robins to me.
2
00:01:03,560 --> 00:01:05,551
(Shivers)
3
00:01:06,880 --> 00:01:08,951
Oh. (Chuckles)
4
00:01:09,000 --> 00:01:10,877
- They're nice.
- Do you like them?
5
00:01:10,920 --> 00:01:12,911
Yeah.
6
00:01:13,280 --> 00:01:15,271
Little Christmas vultures.
7
00:01:16,280 --> 00:01:18,157
- Did you get cold out?
- Yes.
8
00:01:18,200 --> 00:01:20,191
Good.
9
00:01:21,080 --> 00:01:23,310
They're good, though.
Newspaper paper chains.
10
00:01:23,360 --> 00:01:25,954
I bet we're the only people
with readable decorations.
11
00:01:26,000 --> 00:01:28,833
Yes. Apart from the pigs and the goat
and the chickens.
12
00:01:28,880 --> 00:01:31,076
- Oh, you saw them.
- Well, I ask you.
13
00:01:31,120 --> 00:01:33,919
Honestly. Paper chains in a pig sty.
14
00:01:33,960 --> 00:01:37,032
Well, it's their Christmas as much as ours.
15
00:01:37,080 --> 00:01:40,152
- Except for the chicken we're having for dinner.
- Misery.
16
00:01:40,200 --> 00:01:42,510
Deck the halls with boughs of holly, I say.
17
00:01:42,560 --> 00:01:44,551
We can't afford holly.
18
00:01:45,400 --> 00:01:47,277
I know. (Chuckles)
19
00:01:52,720 --> 00:01:54,358
Ta-da!
20
00:01:54,400 --> 00:01:56,755
- Where did you get that?
- Up the golf course.
21
00:01:56,800 --> 00:01:59,314
- That's stealing.
- No, it's not, I'm a member.
22
00:01:59,360 --> 00:02:02,637
- You've lapsed.
- They wouldn't begrudge me this.
23
00:02:02,680 --> 00:02:04,318
Oh, you're sure, are you?
24
00:02:04,360 --> 00:02:08,718
Virtually. There are hundreds of blokes there
with shears in their golf bags.
25
00:02:09,240 --> 00:02:10,958
Thief.
26
00:02:11,000 --> 00:02:12,354
Got this too.
27
00:02:12,400 --> 00:02:14,277
Oh...
28
00:02:15,800 --> 00:02:18,155
Christmas wouldn't be the same
without mistletoe.
29
00:02:18,200 --> 00:02:20,316
Stolen mistletoe.
I got a Christmas tree too.
30
00:02:20,360 --> 00:02:24,115
That is too much, going round the gold course
sawing down trees.
31
00:02:24,160 --> 00:02:26,754
- I did no such thing.
- Well, where did you get it?
32
00:02:26,800 --> 00:02:28,359
- [ Found it.
- Where?
33
00:02:28,400 --> 00:02:30,789
On my way home, outside the greengrocer's.
34
00:02:32,000 --> 00:02:36,517
You just take that back. If they prosecute,
don't come to me for a character witness.
35
00:02:36,560 --> 00:02:38,437
At least have a look at it first.
36
00:02:38,480 --> 00:02:40,676
Just a minute. I'll just go and lug it in.
37
00:02:42,200 --> 00:02:44,191
(Groans with effort)
38
00:02:53,960 --> 00:02:56,076
The top snapped off. They didn't want it.
39
00:02:56,120 --> 00:02:57,918
You toad.
40
00:02:57,960 --> 00:02:59,792
Our gain is Trafalgar Square's loss.
41
00:02:59,840 --> 00:03:01,751
A bonsai Christmas tree.
42
00:03:01,800 --> 00:03:04,474
I thought we could have it on our table
as a centrepiece.
43
00:03:04,520 --> 00:03:07,194
- I've already made one.
- Great. Where, where?
44
00:03:08,520 --> 00:03:10,670
Oh. Smashing. What is it?
45
00:03:10,720 --> 00:03:14,031
- That's a yule log.
- Of course it is, yes. Very nice.
46
00:03:14,080 --> 00:03:16,071
That's only the base.
47
00:03:23,600 --> 00:03:25,318
Another Christmas vulture.
48
00:03:25,360 --> 00:03:26,998
- What is it?
- It's a robin.
49
00:03:27,040 --> 00:03:29,111
- Thank you.
- It's quite a big robin.
50
00:03:29,160 --> 00:03:33,040
Yes, the head went wrong twice
so I had to incorporate it into the body
51
00:03:33,080 --> 00:03:35,196
and then it grew and grew.
52
00:03:35,240 --> 00:03:37,390
I see. It's very nice indeed.
53
00:03:37,440 --> 00:03:39,829
- It's not bad, is it?
- No. I tell you something else.
54
00:03:39,880 --> 00:03:42,349
That'd make mincemeat
of any vulture I've ever seen.
55
00:03:42,400 --> 00:03:45,199
- Right, your ear is coming off this time.
- No, no.
56
00:03:45,920 --> 00:03:47,797
Get off, get off.
57
00:03:47,840 --> 00:03:49,239
Mind the clothes horse. Who put that there?
58
00:03:49,280 --> 00:03:50,429
(Knocking)
59
00:03:54,800 --> 00:03:58,111
Good morning, Barbara. Good morning, Tom.
It's me - Margo.
60
00:03:59,760 --> 00:04:03,116
Good morning, Margo.
You're perfectly correct. It is you.
61
00:04:03,160 --> 00:04:05,470
I'm sorry, Tom, I haven't time for jokes.
62
00:04:05,520 --> 00:04:07,431
I have an absolute crisis next door.
63
00:04:07,480 --> 00:04:10,120
- What's the matter?
- Will you come? I want some witnesses.
64
00:04:10,160 --> 00:04:12,800
- Is it serious?
- Of course it's serious.
65
00:04:12,840 --> 00:04:14,831
It's tradesmen again.
66
00:04:16,400 --> 00:04:18,391
- Truce?
- Truce.
67
00:04:23,960 --> 00:04:27,396
4 I'm dreaming of a white...
68
00:04:29,720 --> 00:04:31,711
(Hums)
69
00:04:37,560 --> 00:04:41,633
Tom and Barbara, would you be so kind as to
measure this Christmas tree for me, please?
70
00:04:41,680 --> 00:04:43,671
Yes, all right. Here we go.
71
00:04:46,800 --> 00:04:48,552
- Merry Christmas.
- Oh, merry Christmas.
72
00:04:48,600 --> 00:04:50,591
Don't talk to him, Tom.
73
00:04:50,640 --> 00:04:52,551
Just tell me what that measures.
74
00:04:52,600 --> 00:04:55,991
I haven't gone metric sol make it
eight foot five and three-quarter inches.
75
00:04:56,040 --> 00:04:57,553
What have you got to say to that?
76
00:04:57,600 --> 00:05:00,433
That's eight foot five and three-quarters all right.
77
00:05:00,480 --> 00:05:03,199
Exactly. There you are you see,
Tom and Barbara.
78
00:05:04,440 --> 00:05:06,829
- Yes.
- Absolutely.
79
00:05:08,240 --> 00:05:11,232
Are we supposed to deduce something
from this, Margo?
80
00:05:11,280 --> 00:05:14,272
Oh, I'm sorry.
It's his fault. I should have told you.
81
00:05:14,320 --> 00:05:17,039
I ordered a nine-foot Christmas tree.
82
00:05:17,080 --> 00:05:20,198
And they've delivered an eight foot five
and three-quarter one?
83
00:05:20,240 --> 00:05:22,356
- Exactly.
- You picked the wrong house, mate.
84
00:05:22,400 --> 00:05:24,391
Indeed he has.
85
00:05:25,360 --> 00:05:27,590
Now, what have you got to say for yourself?
86
00:05:29,000 --> 00:05:30,991
I like this wallpaper.
87
00:05:31,040 --> 00:05:32,269
What?
88
00:05:32,320 --> 00:05:35,438
My sister's got something like it in her dinette.
89
00:05:36,160 --> 00:05:38,754
L'am not interested in your sister's dinette.
90
00:05:39,280 --> 00:05:43,672
My only concern is that my Christmas tree
is six and a quarter inches too short.
91
00:05:43,960 --> 00:05:46,873
It doesn't matter, does it?
Ours is eight feet too short.
92
00:05:48,200 --> 00:05:49,474
Of course it matters.
93
00:05:49,520 --> 00:05:54,390
That six and a quarter inches is a measure of
the depths to which standards have fallen.
94
00:05:55,200 --> 00:05:58,556
A Oft tree is what I ordered
and a 9ft tree is what I expect.
95
00:05:58,600 --> 00:06:01,035
Well, that's not a 9ft tree all right.
96
00:06:01,080 --> 00:06:03,071
No, it's not. Not by a long chalk.
97
00:06:03,120 --> 00:06:08,752
Excuse me. Don't mind my asking
but do you cut the hair in your ears?
98
00:06:10,560 --> 00:06:14,110
- No, I was born like it.
- Only, I noticed how short they are.
99
00:06:14,160 --> 00:06:18,916
I notice a lot of things, you know.
It's a hobby of mine - observing things.
100
00:06:18,960 --> 00:06:21,713
- In the Observer Corps, were you?
- No, RAF.
101
00:06:21,760 --> 00:06:24,195
I was in the RAF.
Do you know RAF Lyneham at all?
102
00:06:24,240 --> 00:06:27,153
- Know it? I was stationed there.
- No!
103
00:06:27,200 --> 00:06:31,956
I hate to break up this reunion but I think Mrs
Leadbetter wants to concentrate on her tree.
104
00:06:32,000 --> 00:06:33,991
Thank you very much, Barbara.
105
00:06:34,200 --> 00:06:36,077
What's to be done about it?
106
00:06:36,120 --> 00:06:41,149
Having observed the high dudgeon
you've got into, I'd better take it back, hadn't 17?
107
00:06:41,200 --> 00:06:43,191
- Yes, you had.
- Very well.
108
00:06:43,920 --> 00:06:47,356
I've observed your shoes, by the way. Very nice.
109
00:06:48,440 --> 00:06:51,273
Shall I bring the rest of the stuff in
before I take the tree away?
110
00:06:51,320 --> 00:06:55,109
No, you will not.
I placed an entire order with your company.
111
00:06:55,160 --> 00:07:00,189
Until my entire order is delivered according to
my specifications, I will accept none of it.
112
00:07:00,240 --> 00:07:03,278
- Knows her own mind, doesn't she?
- Oh, she does.
113
00:07:03,320 --> 00:07:05,038
How many trees did you order?
114
00:07:05,080 --> 00:07:08,789
Only one. The rest of the order
is my complete provisions for Christmas -
115
00:07:08,840 --> 00:07:10,672
food, drinks, decorations et cetera.
116
00:07:10,720 --> 00:07:13,075
Your Christmas comes in a van.
117
00:07:13,120 --> 00:07:15,111
It's supposed to, Tom.
118
00:07:16,280 --> 00:07:18,271
- Come along.
- Very well.
119
00:07:19,240 --> 00:07:21,277
Have you observed anything about me?
120
00:07:21,320 --> 00:07:22,549
Yes, I have.
121
00:07:22,600 --> 00:07:25,956
Your eyes - they're the kind of eyes
a man could kill for.
122
00:07:26,000 --> 00:07:29,630
The sort of eyes that hint at
a deeply sexual nature.
123
00:07:30,120 --> 00:07:32,111
Merry Christmas.
124
00:07:34,280 --> 00:07:36,271
Oh, look, an alabaster figurine.
125
00:07:36,320 --> 00:07:38,630
MARGO: I've got the front door open!
126
00:07:38,680 --> 00:07:41,638
What a very nice, observant, intelligent man.
127
00:07:43,000 --> 00:07:44,479
Kill for you?
128
00:07:44,520 --> 00:07:48,912
JERRY: I'm not snapping, Margo.
I simply asked what you were doing in that van.
129
00:07:49,600 --> 00:07:51,318
What is Margo doing in that van?
130
00:07:51,360 --> 00:07:53,715
Sending Christmas back.
It's not up to specification.
131
00:07:53,760 --> 00:07:55,637
Don't talk to me about Christmas.
132
00:07:55,680 --> 00:07:58,957
Come along, Jerry. You're tired.
Now, you sit down there.
133
00:07:59,000 --> 00:08:00,718
There you are.
134
00:08:00,760 --> 00:08:02,637
Gin and tonic for Jerry, Tom.
135
00:08:02,680 --> 00:08:04,671
Come along, now. Shoes off.
136
00:08:05,360 --> 00:08:07,351
There you are.
137
00:08:07,920 --> 00:08:09,718
Thank you very much, Barbara.
138
00:08:09,760 --> 00:08:11,956
- You understand.
- Of course I do.
139
00:08:13,120 --> 00:08:14,679
Merry Christmas.
140
00:08:14,720 --> 00:08:16,552
I know. I sound like Scrooge.
141
00:08:16,600 --> 00:08:21,390
You've all assembled in the hall at work and
the headmaster said: Have a nice holiday, boys.
142
00:08:21,440 --> 00:08:23,590
You all shouted back: Same to you, sir.
143
00:08:23,640 --> 00:08:27,270
It's Christmas Eve, you've got five days
of abusing your digestive system ahead.
144
00:08:27,320 --> 00:08:30,392
- What more could you want?
- Half a pound of peace and quiet.
145
00:08:30,440 --> 00:08:33,398
- You could order that from Harrods.
- If only you could.
146
00:08:33,440 --> 00:08:36,000
It'll be one paralysing round of socialising.
147
00:08:36,040 --> 00:08:40,591
I've got to put up with a mass of Music Society
and Pony Club people on Christmas Day.
148
00:08:40,640 --> 00:08:42,711
You could have a mounted sing-song.
149
00:08:42,760 --> 00:08:45,274
Then on Boxing Day it's the Rotary Club do.
150
00:08:45,320 --> 00:08:47,311
All spinning around.
151
00:08:47,360 --> 00:08:50,671
The day after that it's,
"Everybody down to the Blairs at Cheltenham."
152
00:08:50,720 --> 00:08:52,711
Same crowd every Christmas.
153
00:08:52,760 --> 00:08:56,549
We just stand about in different rooms,
boring each other to death.
154
00:08:57,880 --> 00:09:00,076
It's just as well I did check that order.
155
00:09:00,120 --> 00:09:02,191
Do I look as though I drink milk stout?
156
00:09:02,800 --> 00:09:05,076
Evening, Jerry.
157
00:09:05,120 --> 00:09:06,918
Margo.
158
00:09:06,960 --> 00:09:10,316
Now, did you remember to send the flowers
to Aunt Clare
159
00:09:10,360 --> 00:09:12,829
whose present we forgot at the last moment?
160
00:09:12,880 --> 00:09:14,678
Yes.
161
00:09:14,720 --> 00:09:17,439
Did you check on the roadworks on the M4
for Cheltenham?
162
00:09:17,480 --> 00:09:18,675
Yes.
163
00:09:18,720 --> 00:09:22,111
Did you tell Steven and Maria that we shall
have a spare goose on Boxing Day
164
00:09:22,160 --> 00:09:24,276
- should they want one?
- (Snaps) Yes.
165
00:09:24,840 --> 00:09:29,550
I wouldn't have thought it possible to inject
so much bile into such a simple word.
166
00:09:29,600 --> 00:09:32,274
Well, I'm fed up with
all these blasted arrangements.
167
00:09:32,320 --> 00:09:35,119
It's more like a NATO conference
than Christmas.
168
00:09:35,800 --> 00:09:38,918
- I'm going to have a bath.
- Well, thank you very much, Jerry.
169
00:09:38,960 --> 00:09:43,636
Whilst you are indulging in a bath, you might
remember who makes the arrangements.
170
00:09:45,160 --> 00:09:47,276
Come on, boss eyes. I think we're superfluous.
171
00:09:47,320 --> 00:09:49,311
All right, bald ears.
172
00:10:03,200 --> 00:10:05,191
Barbara, are you in the kitchen?
173
00:10:06,120 --> 00:10:08,680
No, I'm just going upstairs.
174
00:10:22,160 --> 00:10:24,151
- Gotchal
- Don't do that!
175
00:10:24,720 --> 00:10:27,394
That's my present, isn't it? Give me my present.
176
00:10:27,440 --> 00:10:30,478
- It's not your present.
- Doesn't matter if I look at it then.
177
00:10:30,520 --> 00:10:33,114
- It was going to be a surprise.
- Oh, itis my present!
178
00:10:33,160 --> 00:10:35,276
You're bending it. Leave it. Leave it.
179
00:10:35,320 --> 00:10:36,799
Leave it.
180
00:10:38,600 --> 00:10:41,240
They're some crackers I made for tomorrow.
181
00:10:41,960 --> 00:10:43,439
Oh.
182
00:10:43,480 --> 00:10:47,269
You shouldn't have told me.
You should have kept them as a surprise.
183
00:10:47,320 --> 00:10:49,834
- What do you think I was trying to do?
- Sorry.
184
00:10:51,000 --> 00:10:52,593
There we are.
185
00:10:52,640 --> 00:10:54,756
- They're not small.
- No, they're not small, no.
186
00:10:54,800 --> 00:10:56,950
They're in proportion to the tubes in the middle.
187
00:10:57,000 --> 00:10:59,594
The tubes are the tubes from a toilet roll.
188
00:11:00,000 --> 00:11:03,197
- Clever.
- The colour supplement makes it colourful.
189
00:11:03,240 --> 00:11:05,231
- What's inside?
- Don't shake it!
190
00:11:05,760 --> 00:11:07,797
That might be the one with the Faberg� egg in it.
191
00:11:07,840 --> 00:11:09,433
- Homemade, of course.
- Of course.
192
00:11:09,480 --> 00:11:11,835
If I can make crackers, I can make Faberg�.
193
00:11:11,880 --> 00:11:13,154
- Paper hats?
- Yes.
194
00:11:13,200 --> 00:11:14,793
- Mottos and riddles?
- Yes.
195
00:11:14,840 --> 00:11:16,831
- Clean?
- Fairly.
196
00:11:17,960 --> 00:11:19,871
- There's only one snag.
- What's that?
197
00:11:19,920 --> 00:11:22,594
- They don't go bang.
- Well, that doesn't matter.
198
00:11:22,640 --> 00:11:25,359
We'll just have to shout Bang!
when we pull them.
199
00:11:25,720 --> 00:11:27,711
A good idea, yes. Bang.
200
00:11:29,520 --> 00:11:31,716
- Would you like a drop of cowslip?
- Mm.
201
00:11:33,360 --> 00:11:37,433
If you're writing to Father Christmas,
tell him he can park in the pig sty.
202
00:11:37,480 --> 00:11:40,199
No, I'm just totting up
what Christmas has cost us.
203
00:11:40,240 --> 00:11:42,993
- It's got very commercial, hasn't it?
- Terribly.
204
00:11:43,040 --> 00:11:45,509
Let me sit down first. Now, then.
205
00:11:46,720 --> 00:11:48,677
Right. What's the total?
206
00:11:49,640 --> 00:11:51,631
15p.
207
00:11:52,120 --> 00:11:54,111
- What was that for?
- The balloons.
208
00:11:54,920 --> 00:11:56,911
Oh, yes, they are a necessity.
209
00:11:57,320 --> 00:11:59,630
I wonder how much Jerry and Margo's
Christmas cost.
210
00:11:59,680 --> 00:12:01,751
A lot, judging by the size of that van.
211
00:12:01,800 --> 00:12:05,680
Plus the cost of reinforcing their table
to take the weight of all their booze and grub.
212
00:12:05,720 --> 00:12:09,395
And a few new dresses for Margo so she can
say, "Oh, this old thing" when people ask.
213
00:12:09,440 --> 00:12:13,274
- The ISO to accompany the carol singing.
- Tranquillisers for Jerry.
214
00:12:13,320 --> 00:12:16,756
That's his own fault. Either a man
is master in his own house or he's not.
215
00:12:16,800 --> 00:12:18,677
You're not.
216
00:12:18,720 --> 00:12:20,711
I was talking about Jerry.
217
00:12:21,720 --> 00:12:24,872
I should think they'd bring the whole thing in
for under 50,000.
218
00:12:24,920 --> 00:12:27,753
Whereas we can have Christmas
for a bit of effort and 15p.
219
00:12:27,800 --> 00:12:30,314
- I bet it's just as good too.
- Of course it will be.
220
00:12:30,760 --> 00:12:34,719
Except we can't afford a turkey
or Christmas pudding or whisky or brandy,
221
00:12:34,760 --> 00:12:38,594
or afirkin of ale, or chocolates or cigars,
or really nice presents.
222
00:12:38,640 --> 00:12:40,472
Oh, shut up.
223
00:12:40,520 --> 00:12:44,036
I mean, a spare goose.
Margo actually said she had a spare goose.
224
00:12:44,080 --> 00:12:47,436
Do I detect a touch of envy,
green-eyed Tiny Tim?
225
00:12:48,080 --> 00:12:49,878
Not really, no.
226
00:12:49,920 --> 00:12:54,232
They might have a spare goose but they've got
the giant Mrs Dooms-Patterson arriving.
227
00:12:54,280 --> 00:12:56,351
She'll probably swallow it in one go.
228
00:12:56,400 --> 00:12:59,836
Come on. The sooner you get to bed,
the sooner Santa will arrive.
229
00:12:59,880 --> 00:13:01,871
Righto.
230
00:13:02,360 --> 00:13:06,115
Your cotton wool beard and red flannels
are in the bottom drawer.
231
00:13:06,160 --> 00:13:07,958
You mean you know it's me?
232
00:13:10,600 --> 00:13:13,558
Remembering last Christmas Eve, it'd better be.
233
00:13:22,960 --> 00:13:25,156
And seasonal greetings to you, Steven.
234
00:13:25,200 --> 00:13:27,191
May I have a word with Maria?
235
00:13:27,480 --> 00:13:29,118
Oh, thank you.
236
00:13:29,160 --> 00:13:30,912
Yes, I'll hold.
237
00:13:30,960 --> 00:13:33,918
- Morning, darling. Happy Christmas.
- Happy Christmas, Jerry.
238
00:13:33,960 --> 00:13:36,110
How many more people
are you going to telephone?
239
00:13:36,160 --> 00:13:38,913
The extension's been tinkling away
since eight o'clock.
240
00:13:38,960 --> 00:13:42,237
Last one.
Then our social boats are completely burnt.
241
00:13:42,800 --> 00:13:45,599
Sorry, it's a bit early.
You'll have to explain that one.
242
00:13:45,640 --> 00:13:47,631
Just a moment.
Hello, Maria.
243
00:13:47,960 --> 00:13:51,271
Yes. And yuletide felicitations to you.
244
00:13:52,480 --> 00:13:54,949
Listen, Maria, I'll be as brief as possible.
245
00:13:55,160 --> 00:13:57,356
Absolute chaos. Jerry has chickenpox.
246
00:14:00,280 --> 00:14:02,271
Yes, he's covered in them.
247
00:14:02,560 --> 00:14:05,200
I'm telling you what I've told the rest of the gang.
248
00:14:05,240 --> 00:14:09,393
The Leadbetters must be considered
as totally out of circulation this Christmas.
249
00:14:09,440 --> 00:14:11,351
Yes.
250
00:14:11,400 --> 00:14:13,232
Yes. Just a moment.
251
00:14:13,280 --> 00:14:15,271
All right, Jerry, I'm coming.
252
00:14:15,320 --> 00:14:17,596
That was Jerry calling from his sickbed.
253
00:14:18,680 --> 00:14:20,193
Yes, I will.
254
00:14:20,240 --> 00:14:21,958
Yes.
255
00:14:22,000 --> 00:14:23,149
Goodbye.
256
00:14:23,200 --> 00:14:25,919
I gather my chickenpox is political, but why?
257
00:14:25,960 --> 00:14:28,349
I want to be as succinct as possible, Jerry.
258
00:14:28,920 --> 00:14:31,514
- Christmas is cancelled.
- Cancelled? Why?
259
00:14:32,160 --> 00:14:34,959
- Because they won't deliver it.
- Won't deliver it?
260
00:14:35,400 --> 00:14:39,473
I telephoned to check they were redelivering
our order, properly made up,
261
00:14:39,520 --> 00:14:42,956
and I was informed they don't make deliveries
on Christmas Day.
262
00:14:44,120 --> 00:14:47,272
Naturally I asked to speak to
the highest authority in the building.
263
00:14:47,320 --> 00:14:49,311
- Who did you get?
- Fred.
264
00:14:49,720 --> 00:14:54,510
An incompetent loon who styled himself
assistant caretaker. There was no-one else.
265
00:14:54,920 --> 00:14:57,912
Surely when you sent the stuff back
you checked they'd redeliver?
266
00:14:57,960 --> 00:15:03,034
No. I was foolish enough to assume
that the principle of customer satisfaction
267
00:15:03,080 --> 00:15:07,392
had not been swept away in the lava stream
of trades union hysteria.
268
00:15:07,880 --> 00:15:10,394
Oh. I still don't see why I've got chickenpox.
269
00:15:10,440 --> 00:15:12,954
Why aren't we visiting other people any more?
270
00:15:13,000 --> 00:15:15,196
Because if we can't have other people here,
271
00:15:15,240 --> 00:15:18,551
I'm not going to other people
with a begging bowl in my hand.
272
00:15:18,920 --> 00:15:20,718
I'm beginning to like having chickenpox.
273
00:15:20,760 --> 00:15:22,910
- We can have a nice quiet Christmas.
- What with?
274
00:15:22,960 --> 00:15:25,474
- Each other.
- No, I meant with what?
275
00:15:26,920 --> 00:15:29,992
- Each other.
- I meant eating and drinking what?
276
00:15:30,400 --> 00:15:32,550
Oh, yes, I see what you mean.
277
00:15:32,600 --> 00:15:36,673
Having one's entire Christmas in a van
is like putting all one's eggs in one basket.
278
00:15:36,720 --> 00:15:38,757
We haven't even got any decorations.
279
00:15:38,800 --> 00:15:41,758
- That gin's never going to last.
- I feel totally wretched.
280
00:15:41,800 --> 00:15:43,518
I don't feel so hot myself now.
281
00:15:43,560 --> 00:15:46,154
I We two kings of orient are
282
00:15:46,480 --> 00:15:48,551
4 Bearing gifts we travel afar
283
00:15:48,600 --> 00:15:50,989
4 Something, something,
something, something
284
00:15:51,040 --> 00:15:52,951
? Fa la la-la la Ia. Oi!
285
00:15:53,000 --> 00:15:54,354
Merry Christmas!
286
00:15:54,400 --> 00:15:56,994
Give us a tenner or we'll give you another one.
287
00:15:57,040 --> 00:15:58,838
Morning, Tom. Morning, Barbara.
288
00:15:58,880 --> 00:16:00,757
Where are the mince pies, then?
289
00:16:00,800 --> 00:16:03,758
- We haven't got any mince pies.
- We'll settle for a turkey each.
290
00:16:03,800 --> 00:16:07,430
- We haven't got a turkey either.
- Why? What's happened?
291
00:16:07,480 --> 00:16:10,359
Christmas has not been delivered to this house.
292
00:16:11,560 --> 00:16:13,551
Oh, Margo.
293
00:16:13,880 --> 00:16:15,996
Don't be affectionate, Barbara. I shall cry.
294
00:16:16,040 --> 00:16:18,953
You know drivers, Margo. They're tradesmen.
295
00:16:19,000 --> 00:16:21,514
They stop off and drink beer. They'll be along.
296
00:16:21,560 --> 00:16:24,359
They won't. They're not working today.
297
00:16:25,920 --> 00:16:28,036
Well, that doesn't matter. Come to us.
298
00:16:28,720 --> 00:16:30,677
We can't. We haven't been invited.
299
00:16:30,720 --> 00:16:34,031
That's no problem.
Margo and Jerry, I hereby invite you.
300
00:16:34,080 --> 00:16:36,879
Come on. We can't cater for the Music Society
or the Pony Club.
301
00:16:36,920 --> 00:16:39,639
That's been taken care of.
I've got political chickenpox.
302
00:16:39,680 --> 00:16:41,557
- Eurgh.
- Well!
303
00:16:41,600 --> 00:16:43,716
That's settled, then.
Come on. What do you say?
304
00:16:43,760 --> 00:16:46,400
I say that's very generous.
Thank you very much.
305
00:16:46,440 --> 00:16:48,078
Eh, Margo? Eh?
306
00:16:48,120 --> 00:16:51,033
- We haven't anything to bring.
- Bring yourselves.
307
00:16:51,080 --> 00:16:54,277
Come along, Margo.
I need some help to peel the potatoes.
308
00:16:54,840 --> 00:16:58,515
- I'm not even dressed.
- Don't bother about that, Margo. Come on.
309
00:16:58,560 --> 00:17:00,870
- Whisky any good?
- Now, look, Jerry, look.
310
00:17:00,920 --> 00:17:03,230
This party is on us. What else have you got?
311
00:17:13,240 --> 00:17:15,231
Ahhh.
312
00:17:16,760 --> 00:17:18,319
May I add something to that?
313
00:17:18,360 --> 00:17:20,351
What?
314
00:17:20,640 --> 00:17:22,631
Arrh.
315
00:17:22,880 --> 00:17:24,871
Says it all, doesn't it?
316
00:17:24,920 --> 00:17:28,072
I must say, your food really does taste like food.
317
00:17:28,120 --> 00:17:30,111
Yes, it does rather.
318
00:17:31,160 --> 00:17:33,595
Did I ever tell you about last Christmas?
319
00:17:33,640 --> 00:17:35,870
Mrs Dooms-Patterson's corsets.
320
00:17:36,240 --> 00:17:37,275
No.
321
00:17:38,800 --> 00:17:40,791
Perhaps I'd better not.
322
00:17:41,200 --> 00:17:44,511
I don't want to think about Mrs Dooms-Patterson
or the rest of them.
323
00:17:44,560 --> 00:17:46,790
- It can't have been a pretty sight.
- It wasn't.
324
00:17:47,320 --> 00:17:52,349
- I can't tell you what a relief all this is.
- It's the spirit of Christmas. Good will to all men.
325
00:17:52,400 --> 00:17:54,391
Especially me.
326
00:17:55,000 --> 00:17:57,389
By the same token,
do you mind if I take my shoes off?
327
00:17:57,440 --> 00:17:59,670
Take your feet off if you want to.
328
00:17:59,720 --> 00:18:01,711
Well, we've done the washing up.
329
00:18:02,000 --> 00:18:03,991
Oh, we were just coming out to help.
330
00:18:04,800 --> 00:18:07,110
Don't feel guilty. You're doing it this evening.
331
00:18:07,160 --> 00:18:08,878
Oh.
332
00:18:08,920 --> 00:18:11,389
You know, Barbara... Shoes, please, Jerry.
333
00:18:11,960 --> 00:18:17,239
...you'd save yourself so much trouble and
dried skin if you bought yourself a dishwasher.
334
00:18:18,520 --> 00:18:21,433
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- Don't worry, Margo. Have a sprawl.
335
00:18:23,800 --> 00:18:26,314
That's the idea. And on with the festivities.
336
00:18:27,720 --> 00:18:29,950
Steven and Maria had a conjuror last year.
337
00:18:30,680 --> 00:18:32,671
Did he taste nice?
338
00:18:35,280 --> 00:18:37,715
- Crackers?
- Crackers. Crackers!
339
00:18:37,760 --> 00:18:39,194
Cr-rackers.
340
00:18:39,240 --> 00:18:41,231
Dun ta-da!
341
00:18:42,040 --> 00:18:44,600
- Good god.
- None of your shop-bought rubbish.
342
00:18:44,640 --> 00:18:46,199
There's a trick with these.
343
00:18:46,240 --> 00:18:49,119
They're perfectly sound,
except they do not go bang.
344
00:18:49,160 --> 00:18:51,151
So... And...
345
00:18:51,840 --> 00:18:53,035
Bang!
346
00:18:53,080 --> 00:18:54,718
- You're crackers.
- That's right.
347
00:18:54,760 --> 00:18:56,751
Come on, Jerry. One, two, three...
348
00:18:57,200 --> 00:18:58,599
Bang!
349
00:18:58,640 --> 00:19:00,517
Come on, Margo. And another one.
350
00:19:00,560 --> 00:19:02,949
One, two, three... Bang.
351
00:19:03,000 --> 00:19:05,355
Come on, Margo. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.
352
00:19:05,400 --> 00:19:06,879
One, two, three..
353
00:19:06,920 --> 00:19:08,911
Crack.
354
00:19:10,200 --> 00:19:11,634
Not bang?
355
00:19:11,680 --> 00:19:14,354
I see "crack" as a more pertinent word.
356
00:19:14,720 --> 00:19:18,679
- It is after all the stem of "cracker�, isn't it?
- You can't argue with that.
357
00:19:18,720 --> 00:19:20,597
What have you all got?
358
00:19:20,640 --> 00:19:23,553
I seem to have the inside of
a roll of lavatory paper.
359
00:19:25,560 --> 00:19:27,233
Inside that.
360
00:19:27,280 --> 00:19:28,350
Oh, yes.
361
00:19:28,400 --> 00:19:30,789
Which do you prefer? Wellington or Nelson?
362
00:19:32,640 --> 00:19:36,235
Jerry, all the nice girls love a sailor.
You'd better be Nelson.
363
00:19:36,880 --> 00:19:39,394
Mind you, there's something about a soldier.
364
00:19:40,320 --> 00:19:42,311
Read your motto.
365
00:19:50,760 --> 00:19:53,513
- I thought you said they were clean.
- Really clean.
366
00:19:53,560 --> 00:19:55,233
Come on, Margo, get your hat on.
367
00:19:55,280 --> 00:19:57,271
This is the Daily Mirror.
368
00:19:59,280 --> 00:20:01,271
I am terribly sorry, Margo.
369
00:20:01,320 --> 00:20:03,311
Please, have the Telegraph.
370
00:20:07,640 --> 00:20:09,631
Now, then. My motto.
371
00:20:10,920 --> 00:20:15,391
"The ooh-ah bird is so called
because it lays square eggs."
372
00:20:24,520 --> 00:20:26,511
I don't understand that.
373
00:20:28,120 --> 00:20:29,155
Good.
374
00:20:30,240 --> 00:20:32,311
- What about some games?
- Oh, rather.
375
00:20:32,360 --> 00:20:34,351
We have a four. What about bridge?
376
00:20:35,040 --> 00:20:37,429
- Or a chess tournament.
- Yes.
377
00:20:37,480 --> 00:20:40,996
I'm talking about games, having a laugh.
Rushing about getting hot.
378
00:20:41,040 --> 00:20:42,633
Canasta?
379
00:20:42,680 --> 00:20:44,671
What was that game we used to play?
380
00:20:44,720 --> 00:20:48,315
- I know. Murder.
- Oh, yes. That gets quite scary.
381
00:20:48,360 --> 00:20:50,351
It frightens Tom, anyway.
382
00:20:51,560 --> 00:20:54,279
Blindfold jelly feeding. We haven't got any jelly.
383
00:20:54,320 --> 00:20:56,470
But those are childish games, aren't they?
384
00:20:56,520 --> 00:20:57,430
Yes.
385
00:20:57,480 --> 00:21:00,074
But we're adults.
We should do something adults do.
386
00:21:00,120 --> 00:21:01,793
(Chuckles)
387
00:21:01,840 --> 00:21:03,513
Jerry!
388
00:21:03,560 --> 00:21:05,437
I know. Sardines.
389
00:21:05,480 --> 00:21:09,474
They're a big laugh.
Margo, all that squeezing together in cupboards.
390
00:21:09,520 --> 00:21:13,354
- I don't like squeezing together in cupboards.
- What about Strip Mah Jong?
391
00:21:13,800 --> 00:21:15,791
You're just being silly now.
392
00:21:15,840 --> 00:21:18,639
- True.
- That's the point. We're trying to be silly.
393
00:21:18,680 --> 00:21:20,717
- Why?
- Because it's Christmas.
394
00:21:21,280 --> 00:21:24,318
I don't see that being silly and Christmas
go together at all.
395
00:21:24,360 --> 00:21:28,115
- They do in this house!
- There's no need to snap, Barbara.
396
00:21:28,160 --> 00:21:29,878
- I'm sorry, Margo.
- Come on, Margo.
397
00:21:29,920 --> 00:21:32,116
I want to open another bottle
of peapod burgundy.
398
00:21:32,160 --> 00:21:34,800
I want somebody to stop the blast
with a mattress.
399
00:21:34,840 --> 00:21:36,831
Of course.
400
00:21:41,360 --> 00:21:42,475
Er..
401
00:21:45,200 --> 00:21:46,873
Thank you.
402
00:21:49,120 --> 00:21:51,111
Any bottle, is it, Tom?
403
00:21:54,280 --> 00:21:56,271
Tom'?
404
00:22:01,240 --> 00:22:01,991
Tom'?
405
00:22:02,040 --> 00:22:04,031
Now, listen, you.
406
00:22:04,360 --> 00:22:07,955
We both want you round here for Christmas
and we both want you to have a good time.
407
00:22:08,000 --> 00:22:11,755
We may be silly, we may be infantile,
it may not be what you're used to
408
00:22:11,800 --> 00:22:14,394
but that's the way we do it in this house. Now...
409
00:22:15,160 --> 00:22:18,516
Either you at least try to join in
or you go home straightaway.
410
00:22:20,920 --> 00:22:22,752
I don't want to go home.
411
00:22:23,440 --> 00:22:24,919
Well, then...
412
00:22:24,960 --> 00:22:29,318
It isn't that I don't want to join in, Tom,
it's that I don't know how to.
413
00:22:29,840 --> 00:22:33,435
It's quite simple.
Just pretend you're somebody stupid, like me.
414
00:22:34,120 --> 00:22:36,111
I could try.
415
00:22:36,960 --> 00:22:40,999
- Just try is all I'm asking.
- Yes, I will try, I promise, Tom.
416
00:22:42,280 --> 00:22:44,271
Please, will you let me go now?
417
00:22:47,280 --> 00:22:49,271
Thank you.
418
00:22:53,120 --> 00:22:55,111
Tiddlywinks anybody?
419
00:22:57,880 --> 00:23:00,520
- Come on, Margo.
- Careful!
420
00:23:02,240 --> 00:23:04,231
Keep close to me.
421
00:23:04,600 --> 00:23:06,591
- That's it.
- Careful.
422
00:23:13,520 --> 00:23:16,319
Take it easy, take it easy.
Don't rush it.
423
00:23:20,200 --> 00:23:22,350
I'm not quite sure where it is.
424
00:23:22,400 --> 00:23:24,391
The winners!
425
00:23:24,440 --> 00:23:26,078
Champions!
426
00:23:26,120 --> 00:23:28,839
- I'm sorry, partner.
- It was luck, just luck.
427
00:23:28,880 --> 00:23:30,871
It was not.
428
00:23:32,240 --> 00:23:34,550
- You rotten cheat.
- I demand a play-off.
429
00:23:35,600 --> 00:23:38,638
I vote we go back to the pavilion
for a bit of a breather.
430
00:23:38,680 --> 00:23:42,150
Only a couple of minutes
because I think I'm running into form.
431
00:23:42,200 --> 00:23:44,476
Give them a rest, Margo. We're well ahead.
432
00:23:44,520 --> 00:23:46,989
We won passing the orange under the chin.
433
00:23:47,040 --> 00:23:51,750
We won that. Your orange went down Margo's
dress and was declared out of bounds.
434
00:23:52,440 --> 00:23:55,717
Plus we were good at balancing on the bottle
and spinning the plate.
435
00:23:55,760 --> 00:23:58,639
- Oh, Jerry, we are a stylish team.
- Rather.
436
00:23:58,680 --> 00:24:01,035
Right, we'll see who's best.
437
00:24:01,520 --> 00:24:03,511
I'm taking off my earrings now.
438
00:24:03,560 --> 00:24:06,200
Come on, on your feet.
Balloons between the foreheads.
439
00:24:06,240 --> 00:24:09,278
- And off we go.
- I'm... I'm hungry again.
440
00:24:09,600 --> 00:24:12,831
Let's make some sandwiches first.
Let's stoke up the boiler.
441
00:24:12,880 --> 00:24:15,440
Good idea. Come on, darling. Off you go.
442
00:24:15,480 --> 00:24:17,471
Everyone must remember the score.
443
00:24:18,800 --> 00:24:20,757
What did you do to Margo in the kitchen?
444
00:24:20,800 --> 00:24:23,918
- I threatened to kiss her.
- No wonder she's joining in.
445
00:24:26,400 --> 00:24:29,358
I must say, I can't remember
enjoying a Christmas more.
446
00:24:29,400 --> 00:24:31,391
Oh, Jerry, I am glad.
447
00:24:31,440 --> 00:24:33,954
I can safely say
this is the best Christmas I've ever had.
448
00:24:34,000 --> 00:24:35,673
(Hiccups)
449
00:24:35,720 --> 00:24:37,836
Sure that's not the peapod burgundy talking?
450
00:24:37,880 --> 00:24:39,678
No, I'm serious.
451
00:24:39,720 --> 00:24:41,711
Christmas doesn't come in a van.
452
00:24:41,960 --> 00:24:45,476
You can't have it delivered.
You have to make it yourself.
453
00:24:45,520 --> 00:24:47,955
We have. Another form of self-sufficiency,
I suppose.
454
00:24:48,000 --> 00:24:50,389
No, it's being with friends.
455
00:24:50,760 --> 00:24:52,751
True friends.
456
00:24:53,280 --> 00:24:56,079
Joining in and... and...
457
00:24:56,520 --> 00:24:58,318
- And where are our presents?
- Tom!
458
00:24:58,360 --> 00:25:01,113
That's the only reason we asked them over,
to get a present.
459
00:25:01,160 --> 00:25:04,357
Oh! Look, here are yours, anyway.
460
00:25:04,800 --> 00:25:07,440
- Oh, you shouldn't have bothered.
- With our love.
461
00:25:07,480 --> 00:25:10,996
- You can't afford it.
- I should have a look at them first, mate.
462
00:25:19,480 --> 00:25:21,198
- The loom.
- Yes.
463
00:25:21,240 --> 00:25:24,790
Well... Tom, Barbara.
464
00:25:26,760 --> 00:25:30,799
I can safely say... that on the right occasion...
465
00:25:31,480 --> 00:25:33,756
these will be the perfect things to wear.
466
00:25:34,120 --> 00:25:36,111
What occasion will that be, Jerry?
467
00:25:36,440 --> 00:25:39,637
- I can't think of it at the moment.
- Yes, they're lovely.
468
00:25:40,160 --> 00:25:42,151
We'll get you your present now.
469
00:25:42,200 --> 00:25:43,838
It's in the garage.
470
00:25:44,760 --> 00:25:47,513
I hope they haven't spent too much.
I shall be embarrassed.
471
00:25:47,560 --> 00:25:50,632
- So shall I, but I shall overcome it.
- I thought you might.
472
00:25:50,680 --> 00:25:52,353
I wonder what they've got us.
473
00:25:52,400 --> 00:25:55,040
It'll probably be ever so nice
but utterly useless for us.
474
00:25:55,080 --> 00:25:58,357
Like a briefcase for you
to go to the allotments with.
475
00:25:58,840 --> 00:26:00,831
Or a Georgian silver trowel.
476
00:26:00,880 --> 00:26:02,553
- Aren't we rotten?
- Yeah.Ora...
477
00:26:02,600 --> 00:26:04,591
(Mooing)
478
00:26:07,040 --> 00:26:10,237
- They haven't?
- They have.
479
00:26:11,200 --> 00:26:13,191
Happy Christmas.
480
00:26:13,241 --> 00:26:17,791
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