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1
00:00:40,000 --> 00:00:43,197
Did you know that the Surinam toad
has got a pointed head?
2
00:00:44,000 --> 00:00:45,877
What brought that up?
3
00:00:45,920 --> 00:00:49,390
Don't know...
Makes you think of things like that, cobbling.
4
00:00:53,840 --> 00:00:55,831
Oh.
5
00:00:58,000 --> 00:01:01,356
Has it really... got a pointed head?
6
00:01:02,840 --> 00:01:05,514
- What?
- This toad.
7
00:01:05,560 --> 00:01:08,120
Yeah. I read that
in my Boys' Book Of Knowledge.
8
00:01:09,440 --> 00:01:11,670
- When?
- When I was a boy.
9
00:01:14,360 --> 00:01:16,351
Ask a silly question...
10
00:01:19,200 --> 00:01:23,797
Look at that - another couple of quid saved! By
the way, where did you get the rubber for these?
11
00:01:23,840 --> 00:01:26,992
Oh, er... some old thing I cut up.
12
00:01:31,600 --> 00:01:33,591
That's my wet suit!
13
00:01:35,080 --> 00:01:37,594
- Ah, no, I wanted that!
- What for?
14
00:01:37,640 --> 00:01:40,996
- For water-skiing. What do you think?
- You only went once, six years ago.
15
00:01:41,040 --> 00:01:43,953
- Was it?
- Yes. It frightened you so much, you gave it up.
16
00:01:44,000 --> 00:01:47,516
I was not frightened.
The conditions were against me, that's all.
17
00:01:47,560 --> 00:01:51,474
- Those waves were pretty high, you know!
- Waves? On a reservoir?
18
00:01:52,640 --> 00:01:56,156
- I could still use it on my holidays.
- You said we can't afford a holiday
19
00:01:56,200 --> 00:01:57,270
for the next ten years.
20
00:02:00,560 --> 00:02:03,678
It was the maniac driving the boat
that was the trouble.
21
00:02:04,000 --> 00:02:06,150
Called himself an instructor?
22
00:02:06,200 --> 00:02:08,316
Stop, start, jerking me off my feet...
23
00:02:08,960 --> 00:02:12,919
Didn't give me the right size skis, too.
I know that for a fact.
24
00:02:13,040 --> 00:02:15,031
- Hello.
TOM & BARBARA: Hi, Jerry!
25
00:02:16,880 --> 00:02:18,871
Moth?
26
00:02:19,840 --> 00:02:24,038
No, no. Just an old wet suit I didn't want
any more, so I thought I'd put it to good use.
27
00:02:24,080 --> 00:02:26,720
- You are becoming a jack of all trades!
- Have to be, mate.
28
00:02:26,760 --> 00:02:29,957
Mind you, these craftsmen,
they make a mystique about their trades.
29
00:02:30,000 --> 00:02:32,037
When you come down to it,
anyone can do it.
30
00:02:32,080 --> 00:02:36,119
All you need is a little application
and a bit of common sense. Here we go.
31
00:02:36,160 --> 00:02:38,151
Oh, God! Nails.
32
00:02:38,880 --> 00:02:43,033
- (Chuckles)
- Oh! Sadist! What do you want, anyway?
33
00:02:43,080 --> 00:02:45,959
Just because you're in pain,
no need to forget your manners.
34
00:02:46,000 --> 00:02:47,593
What do you want, Leadbetter?
35
00:02:47,640 --> 00:02:51,076
Actually, I came to invite you two charmers
around to dinner tomorrow.
36
00:02:51,120 --> 00:02:53,999
- It's kind of you, but we can't keep doing that.
- Doing what?
37
00:02:54,040 --> 00:02:57,317
- We're not in a position to reciprocate, are we?
- Reciprocate?
38
00:02:57,360 --> 00:03:01,593
Look, it's just a couple of mates
asking a couple of mates round to dinner!
39
00:03:01,640 --> 00:03:04,917
- No, really. Thanks, all the same.
- But... you've got to come.
40
00:03:06,120 --> 00:03:09,829
Leadbetter, you speak with forked tongue.
You've got an ulterior motive.
41
00:03:09,880 --> 00:03:12,918
Don't make such a case out of it.
It's just a casual invitation.
42
00:03:12,960 --> 00:03:15,395
That's all - except for the ulterior motive.
43
00:03:16,280 --> 00:03:19,079
- What?
- Well, actually, it's Sir.
44
00:03:19,120 --> 00:03:20,838
He's ordered me to ask you round.
45
00:03:20,880 --> 00:03:24,191
I think it's about time he realised
Tom's left that company.
46
00:03:24,240 --> 00:03:27,756
Marvellous, isn't it? I was there
for eight years. He never even knew my name.
47
00:03:27,800 --> 00:03:31,270
I'was "Mr Um..." of the fourth floor.
I had to leave to become indispensable.
48
00:03:31,320 --> 00:03:35,359
- What does he want to see me for, anyway?
- Just one of those social things, you know.
49
00:03:35,400 --> 00:03:38,233
Old Sir doesn't catch a cold
without an ulterior motive!
50
00:03:38,280 --> 00:03:41,398
I think he's got a nerve,
telling you who to have round for dinner.
51
00:03:41,440 --> 00:03:44,273
He'll be popping little place cards
through the post, next!
52
00:03:44,320 --> 00:03:47,597
He'll turn up in the morning
telling you what colour pants to wear.
53
00:03:47,640 --> 00:03:50,280
- Yes, it is a bit of a liberty, isn't it?
- Mm, I say it is.
54
00:03:50,320 --> 00:03:52,755
After all, my private life is my private life! Right?
55
00:03:52,800 --> 00:03:54,029
- Right
- Right
56
00:03:54,080 --> 00:03:56,037
- He can go and hang himself.
- Good for you.
57
00:03:56,080 --> 00:04:00,392
Only do come, won't you? Because if you don't,
he'll investigate my expense account.
58
00:04:00,440 --> 00:04:02,954
- (Chuckles) Lapdog!
- Flunkey!
59
00:04:03,000 --> 00:04:06,789
You wouldn't like to see old Jerry
reduced to four-course lunches, would you?
60
00:04:06,840 --> 00:04:09,480
I don't see the point, anyway.
We all know what'll happen.
61
00:04:09,520 --> 00:04:13,195
Sir will say to Tom, "Come back to work for me,"
Tom will say no, end of evening.
62
00:04:13,240 --> 00:04:16,312
It's up to you. I've done my grovelling
by getting you round there.
63
00:04:16,360 --> 00:04:18,670
- Well, why not! It'll be a giggle.
- Thanks, mate.
64
00:04:18,720 --> 00:04:22,315
Only, as long as we're doing you a favour,
we'll have a decent burger this time,
65
00:04:22,360 --> 00:04:26,433
- not that Algerian rubbish you gave us last time.
- Tell Margo, never mind the petite fours,
66
00:04:26,480 --> 00:04:29,279
- we like the petite fives.
- One more thing you'd like to know:
67
00:04:29,320 --> 00:04:31,994
the Surinam toad has got a pointed head.
68
00:04:37,920 --> 00:04:40,036
Yes, Zermatt, at the beginning of the year.
69
00:04:40,080 --> 00:04:42,674
My son Martin and his young companion...
70
00:04:42,720 --> 00:04:45,280
"Mistress", I suppose you'd call her.
71
00:04:45,320 --> 00:04:48,836
...companion had skied this slope
any number of times before.
72
00:04:48,880 --> 00:04:52,635
They were perfectly familiar with it,
but the point was that some drunken idiot -
73
00:04:52,680 --> 00:04:55,832
a German, one presumes -
moved one of the markers.
74
00:04:55,880 --> 00:04:57,632
What a stupid thing to do.
75
00:04:57,680 --> 00:05:00,991
Quite! So there's poor Martin...
76
00:05:01,040 --> 00:05:03,680
There's poor Martin, you see,
coming down full schuss,
77
00:05:03,720 --> 00:05:07,236
heads for the marker, and crash!
He goes right over the top
78
00:05:07,280 --> 00:05:09,556
and lands flat on the roof of an hotel.
79
00:05:09,920 --> 00:05:11,911
(Laughs) How funny!
80
00:05:14,040 --> 00:05:16,873
I was explaining how my son broke his leg.
81
00:05:18,520 --> 00:05:21,638
Oh, I'm so sorry.
I... I thought you were telling a joke.
82
00:05:23,400 --> 00:05:26,074
Would you help me with the coffee,
please, Jerry?
83
00:05:27,160 --> 00:05:29,674
- Do you do much skiing, Tim?
- Er, Tom.
84
00:05:29,720 --> 00:05:33,395
No, I did quite a bit of water-skiing, actually.
Got fairly proficient at it.
85
00:05:33,440 --> 00:05:35,909
- He's given it up now, though.
- Injury?
86
00:05:35,960 --> 00:05:38,349
No, he mended his shoes with his wet suit.
87
00:05:40,560 --> 00:05:45,191
I hardly think that winter sports and "make do
and mend" are the same subject, Barbara.
88
00:05:45,240 --> 00:05:49,074
I find Tom and Barbara's life
absolutely fascinating.
89
00:05:49,120 --> 00:05:54,035
Oh, so do. I was just saying it's not
the same subject. More brandy, please, Jerry.
90
00:05:54,080 --> 00:05:56,071
SIR: Thank you.
91
00:05:57,080 --> 00:06:02,280
- You're very quiet this evening, Jerry.
- I'm preoccupied with the company's exhibition.
92
00:06:02,320 --> 00:06:04,311
- Worried?
- No, no. Excited.
93
00:06:04,360 --> 00:06:07,352
- That's the spirit.
- Now, don't you start talking shop.
94
00:06:07,400 --> 00:06:11,439
- Tell me about these pigs of yours, dear.
- Oh, Pinky and Perky? Oh, they're fine.
95
00:06:11,480 --> 00:06:14,233
- Growing lasses now, of course.
- Yeah, how time flies!
96
00:06:14,280 --> 00:06:17,875
Only seems like yesterday
they were running about in pigtails.
97
00:06:17,920 --> 00:06:21,276
Now, before you know it, they'll be grown up,
having piglets of their own.
98
00:06:21,320 --> 00:06:25,598
I have a horrible feeling that this conversation
is nose-diving into the carnal.
99
00:06:26,400 --> 00:06:30,553
And why not, Margo? Pigs are entitled to
their bit of fun, too, you know.
100
00:06:30,600 --> 00:06:34,150
- Right. Birds do it, bees do it...
- Even educated fleas do it!
101
00:06:34,200 --> 00:06:36,760
BOTH: & Let's do it, let's fall in love
102
00:06:36,800 --> 00:06:38,791
(Clears throat)
103
00:06:39,240 --> 00:06:41,914
When exactly is the exhibition, Andrew?
104
00:06:41,960 --> 00:06:44,952
No, no. Felicity is quite right.
No, we don't want to talk shop.
105
00:06:45,000 --> 00:06:48,789
Well, Tom, here's to you
and to your good lady erm...
106
00:06:49,800 --> 00:06:51,234
- Fatima.
- Yes.
107
00:06:52,520 --> 00:06:54,750
Yes, as I said when you left the company,
108
00:06:54,800 --> 00:06:58,759
I said, "A lot of people think
that this self-sufficiency is just a dream,
109
00:06:58,800 --> 00:07:02,475
but here's a man with the guts
and the determination to make it work!"
110
00:07:03,120 --> 00:07:04,918
Actually, you didn't use those words.
111
00:07:04,960 --> 00:07:08,430
You said I was "a mindless idiot
who'd come crawling back in three weeks".
112
00:07:08,480 --> 00:07:10,949
I beg your pardon, it was Jerry who said that.
113
00:07:11,000 --> 00:07:13,799
What? Oh, yes, yes. Be fair. I said that, Tom.
114
00:07:13,840 --> 00:07:17,549
Still, credit where credit's due.
We thought this was all a big setup.
115
00:07:17,960 --> 00:07:20,076
- Setup?
- Yeah. Get us round here, chat us up
116
00:07:20,120 --> 00:07:22,509
and then get the old bit
about me coming back to work.
117
00:07:22,560 --> 00:07:26,155
Oh, now, Tom, come along.
You're doing me an injustice, you know.
118
00:07:26,200 --> 00:07:29,909
- No, I just thought it would be nice to erm...
- Have a chat?
119
00:07:29,960 --> 00:07:32,236
Chew the cud with an old colleague.
120
00:07:32,280 --> 00:07:34,999
No, I wasn't trying to get you back
to the company at all.
121
00:07:35,040 --> 00:07:38,158
But you said you were going to offer him
some freelance work.
122
00:07:38,200 --> 00:07:41,670
- Oh, Felicity!
- But it's... it's true.
123
00:07:41,720 --> 00:07:45,509
No, I didn't say "offer". I just said the thought
had crossed my mind. That was all.
124
00:07:45,560 --> 00:07:49,394
That's that out of the way. Anybody like some
facts from my Boys' Book Of Knowledge?
125
00:07:49,440 --> 00:07:52,080
Since the subject's been brought up,
what about it?
126
00:07:52,120 --> 00:07:55,750
- No, thank you.
- You see, there's this exhibition.
127
00:07:56,280 --> 00:07:58,794
Now, you see, when people come
to this exhibition,
128
00:07:58,840 --> 00:08:02,959
I want them to realise
that we are, essentially, a family company.
129
00:08:03,560 --> 00:08:07,713
I want them to get a picture of me
smiling benignly at them
130
00:08:07,760 --> 00:08:10,229
through a... laurel wreath, or something like that.
131
00:08:10,280 --> 00:08:13,557
I want them to feel, "Here's a man we can trust!�
132
00:08:14,480 --> 00:08:17,677
That's all I want, just a sort of ..
133
00:08:17,720 --> 00:08:19,631
- Con?
- Crest.
134
00:08:19,680 --> 00:08:23,230
Motif. Now, just a few hours
of your spare time at home.
135
00:08:23,280 --> 00:08:25,840
- Now, you wouldn't find me ungenerous.
- No, thanks.
136
00:08:25,880 --> 00:08:29,077
Considering your financial indisposition, Tom,
137
00:08:29,120 --> 00:08:33,079
you might have consulted poor Barbara
before making such an arbitrary decision.
138
00:08:33,120 --> 00:08:37,273
No need. He knows that "poor Barbara" would
have punched him in the nose if he'd said yes.
139
00:08:37,320 --> 00:08:41,393
- Aren't we really talking about money?
- No, you're talking about money.
140
00:08:41,440 --> 00:08:43,909
Fatima and I are talking
about what we believe in.
141
00:08:43,960 --> 00:08:47,794
We're doing this for ourselves! I can't work
for anybody else, not even part time!
142
00:08:47,840 --> 00:08:49,911
- Bravo!
- Very well. So be it.
143
00:08:49,960 --> 00:08:52,315
Well, I'll leave the offer open till the weekend.
144
00:08:52,360 --> 00:08:55,512
Andy, you suffer from professional deafness.
The answer is no!
145
00:08:55,560 --> 00:08:57,710
- And that's your final word?
- Absolutely!
146
00:08:57,760 --> 00:09:00,320
Very well. You've got my home phone number.
147
00:09:00,360 --> 00:09:03,432
Yes, I have got your home phone number,
but I won't be ringing you!
148
00:09:03,480 --> 00:09:06,199
All right, all right! Subject closed.
Say no more.
149
00:09:06,800 --> 00:09:09,076
Thursday is the best night to catch me in.
150
00:09:18,600 --> 00:09:20,955
I was totally bald when I was born.
151
00:09:26,120 --> 00:09:28,760
Sibelius was totally bald when he died.
152
00:09:30,120 --> 00:09:32,111
Oh, that's all right, then.
153
00:09:34,400 --> 00:09:36,391
Shall I throw the cat on the fire?
154
00:09:38,800 --> 00:09:41,235
No, not just now. I've just got comfortable.
155
00:09:41,280 --> 00:09:43,112
(Chuckles)
156
00:09:43,160 --> 00:09:47,438
Ah, it's good, this, isn't it, sitting here,
pushing the mind to its limits?
157
00:09:51,200 --> 00:09:53,271
I knew I felt guilty about something.
158
00:09:53,320 --> 00:09:56,676
Do you realise, we're just sitting here
not actually doing anything?
159
00:09:56,720 --> 00:09:58,631
Nothing to do. Finished the chores.
160
00:09:58,680 --> 00:10:00,512
What happened to our 86-hour week?
161
00:10:00,560 --> 00:10:02,949
Well, we reached a sort of plateau, really.
162
00:10:03,680 --> 00:10:07,150
The animals are established,
the old veg are quietly growing away,
163
00:10:07,200 --> 00:10:10,830
the generator throbbing in the cellar...
We deserve an 80-hour week.
164
00:10:10,880 --> 00:10:14,589
Mind you, once we get to pick the stuff
and have to prepare it for storing,
165
00:10:14,640 --> 00:10:17,951
- we'll have to step on the gas a bit.
- Mm. Back to the 86-hour week.
166
00:10:18,000 --> 00:10:19,991
- 120, at least.
- (Chuckles)
167
00:10:20,440 --> 00:10:23,751
Doesn't seem possible, really.
It just happened in such a short time.
168
00:10:23,800 --> 00:10:26,474
- Nope, riches to rags in six months.
- (Chuckles)
169
00:10:29,480 --> 00:10:31,710
- And freedom.
- True, true.
170
00:10:31,760 --> 00:10:35,719
Anything you miss about the old days,
before we stopped the world and jumped off?
171
00:10:35,760 --> 00:10:40,994
The parties, perhaps... The Ferraris and
the Jensens cheek by jowl on the drive...
172
00:10:41,920 --> 00:10:45,754
Liz flying in from Acapulco...
Frank doing it His Way on the piano...
173
00:10:47,240 --> 00:10:49,277
Paul Getty playing the spoons...
174
00:10:50,720 --> 00:10:53,075
Simple times, but they were good fun.
175
00:10:53,120 --> 00:10:55,111
(Chuckles)
176
00:10:56,160 --> 00:10:58,151
What about you? Do you miss anything?
177
00:10:58,200 --> 00:11:01,431
Yes - powdered egg.
178
00:11:04,080 --> 00:11:07,391
- That was the War, you fool.
- Very popular with the boys in our squadron.
179
00:11:07,440 --> 00:11:10,876
- You must have been about six.
- Well, I lied about my age.
180
00:11:10,920 --> 00:11:13,560
- No, really, do you miss anything?
- No.
181
00:11:15,640 --> 00:11:18,029
Well, I do have one fantasy.
182
00:11:18,080 --> 00:11:20,435
- (Chuckles mischievously)
- Not that.
183
00:11:21,120 --> 00:11:23,794
No, a bit of ..a bit of luxury.
184
00:11:24,560 --> 00:11:28,155
You know, being pampered on
and ushered about and waited on.
185
00:11:29,360 --> 00:11:32,671
Do you remember, every now and again
we used to go mad, have a big blow-out
186
00:11:32,720 --> 00:11:36,714
- and stay at a hotel overnight?
- Ah, yes. The old pagan rites!
187
00:11:36,760 --> 00:11:38,956
- Mm... Hey-ho...
- (Chuckles)
188
00:11:39,000 --> 00:11:42,038
- No, Cinders, you shall go to the ball.
- Oh, yes? What on?
189
00:11:42,080 --> 00:11:45,311
How much do they cost, those do's - 50 quid?
I'll take it out of the bank.
190
00:11:45,360 --> 00:11:47,556
- You can't withdraw overdrafts.
- (Chuckles)
191
00:11:48,600 --> 00:11:52,070
Don't exaggerate. We may not be in the black,
but at least we're in the grey.
192
00:11:52,120 --> 00:11:54,953
What about all those things
that you have to pay for
193
00:11:55,000 --> 00:11:58,072
and we can't do without, like water rates?
It's not on, Tom.
194
00:11:58,120 --> 00:12:00,509
No, if anybody deserved a bit of pampering,
it's you.
195
00:12:00,560 --> 00:12:03,279
You've been marvellous.
I could never have done this on my own.
196
00:12:03,320 --> 00:12:06,278
You've never complained once.
You're something else, you are.
197
00:12:06,320 --> 00:12:08,675
- Oh, Buttons!
- No, seriously.
198
00:12:09,920 --> 00:12:14,471
- Oh, come on, Tom. It's not important.
- Sensible cow!
199
00:12:16,520 --> 00:12:19,592
After all,
we can't afford to chuck money away, can we?
200
00:12:20,080 --> 00:12:22,071
No. (Sighs)
201
00:12:26,760 --> 00:12:28,751
Bed's free.
202
00:12:29,680 --> 00:12:31,671
Mm?
203
00:12:32,960 --> 00:12:34,951
Bed's free.
204
00:12:39,440 --> 00:12:41,909
- Barbara...
- Yes?
205
00:12:42,880 --> 00:12:44,951
You will be gentle with me, won't you?
206
00:12:50,680 --> 00:12:52,398
JERRY: Margo! Hello?
207
00:12:57,880 --> 00:12:59,871
Margo?
208
00:13:04,040 --> 00:13:08,113
- Jerry, where is my music?
- Yes, thank you. I had a nice day at the office.
209
00:13:08,480 --> 00:13:11,472
Oh, I'm sorry. Good evening, Jerry.
Where is my music?
210
00:13:11,520 --> 00:13:13,352
In there, I think.
211
00:13:13,400 --> 00:13:15,232
- Who put it in there?
- You did.
212
00:13:15,280 --> 00:13:20,229
I have rather more taste than to put Handel's
Messiah next to Playmate Of The Month.
213
00:13:20,960 --> 00:13:24,954
That'd be a novel experience
for both of them, I should've thought.
214
00:13:25,000 --> 00:13:30,473
I might be a bit late in, because Miss Mountshaft
wants the altos to stay behind tonight.
215
00:13:30,520 --> 00:13:32,955
Been chewing gum in class again? (Chuckles)
216
00:13:33,000 --> 00:13:36,880
That's the sort of remark I'd expect from
someone whose knowledge of choral singing
217
00:13:36,920 --> 00:13:39,833
begins and ends
with The Black And White Minstrels.
218
00:13:39,880 --> 00:13:42,315
- Now, erm, your dinner.
- That's all right.
219
00:13:42,360 --> 00:13:44,078
I've got some Indian takeaway.
220
00:13:44,120 --> 00:13:47,715
Then will you kindly eat it in the kitchen
with the extractor fan full on.
221
00:13:48,840 --> 00:13:52,196
Last time, this upholstery reeked of vindaloo
for a week.
222
00:13:53,120 --> 00:13:54,793
- Good night, Jerry.
- Good night.
223
00:13:55,560 --> 00:13:57,551
Have a nice singsong.
224
00:14:04,640 --> 00:14:06,631
(Front door closes)
225
00:14:32,080 --> 00:14:34,071
(Hums)
226
00:14:55,520 --> 00:14:57,511
(As Margo) Jerry!
227
00:15:01,320 --> 00:15:04,278
- Margo out, is she?
- How did you know?
228
00:15:04,320 --> 00:15:07,438
Well, you wouldn't be eating curry in here
if she was in.
229
00:15:08,680 --> 00:15:11,194
Why all the cloak-and-dagger stuff, anyway?
230
00:15:11,720 --> 00:15:14,394
(Whispers) I want to see you privately
about something.
231
00:15:14,440 --> 00:15:16,431
Huh? Here.
232
00:15:20,080 --> 00:15:22,594
- Mind if I go on eating?
- No, go ahead, go ahead.
233
00:15:23,960 --> 00:15:25,951
I'll do the rice, shall 1?
234
00:15:28,000 --> 00:15:29,991
There you are.
235
00:15:38,360 --> 00:15:40,397
- Well?
- What?
236
00:15:41,040 --> 00:15:45,955
Oh, yeah! Now, remember last week
when Andy kept on about that freelance job?
237
00:15:46,000 --> 00:15:47,991
- Yeah.
- Well...
238
00:15:48,520 --> 00:15:52,434
- (Whispers) I've decided to do it.
- You steaming great hypocrite!
239
00:15:52,480 --> 00:15:55,871
Now, wait a minute!
I'm not becoming Mammon's plaything again.
240
00:15:55,920 --> 00:15:58,753
It's just that I want the money
for a very special reason.
241
00:15:58,800 --> 00:16:01,599
- (Whispers) Barbara.
- Oh, I see!
242
00:16:02,760 --> 00:16:04,398
She's noterm...?
243
00:16:04,440 --> 00:16:08,877
No, no, no, no, no! She just deserves a treat
and she'll have one, whether she likes it or not.
244
00:16:08,920 --> 00:16:12,515
You sound like a belligerent Father Christmas!
245
00:16:12,560 --> 00:16:14,870
I wanna do it... What's the word?
246
00:16:14,920 --> 00:16:16,069
.Slyly.
247
00:16:16,560 --> 00:16:19,598
It must come as a complete surprise.
She mustn't know what's hit her
248
00:16:19,640 --> 00:16:23,110
till we're upstairs in the bridal suite
with the second bottle of champagne.
249
00:16:23,160 --> 00:16:26,835
- Can I get you a plate?
- No, no, no, I'm fine.
250
00:16:29,200 --> 00:16:31,669
- Well?
- There's no problem. You can use my study.
251
00:16:31,720 --> 00:16:35,475
Do a bit now and again. Concoct some story
for Barbara. You're a good liar.
252
00:16:35,520 --> 00:16:38,034
Yes, I am. Thanks, Jerry.
253
00:16:38,080 --> 00:16:40,754
Hey, hey... hold on. What about Margo?
254
00:16:40,800 --> 00:16:42,791
I shall eat curry where I choose!
255
00:16:43,560 --> 00:16:46,393
- What?
- I'll squirt the aerosol around afterwards.
256
00:16:46,440 --> 00:16:49,034
No, no, no! Nosing about
and blabbing to Barbara.
257
00:16:49,080 --> 00:16:51,594
That's all right.
Keep your drawings locked in my desk.
258
00:16:51,640 --> 00:16:55,031
- What keeps Margo out of the desk?
- I've had the lock changed.
259
00:16:55,760 --> 00:16:57,831
That's what marriage should be: no secrets.
260
00:16:57,880 --> 00:17:00,713
- Hark at who's talking!
- Ah, yes, but I am me.
261
00:17:00,760 --> 00:17:02,671
- See you later, Jerry.
- Yeah.
262
00:17:02,720 --> 00:17:04,518
Was my supper to your satisfaction?
263
00:17:04,560 --> 00:17:08,235
Not bad, not bad. Next time,
get Madras instead of vindaloo. Hah!
264
00:17:19,320 --> 00:17:21,596
Hello, Barbara. It's only Margo.
265
00:17:21,640 --> 00:17:24,758
Oh, good God! What's that you've got on?
266
00:17:25,320 --> 00:17:27,231
You look like the Angel of Death.
267
00:17:28,720 --> 00:17:30,677
Yes, it's awful, isn't it?
268
00:17:30,720 --> 00:17:33,758
The whole choir's wearing them
when we perform the Messiah.
269
00:17:33,800 --> 00:17:36,553
Miss Mountshaft wants us all exactly the same,
270
00:17:36,600 --> 00:17:39,399
so she only gave the dressmaker
one set of measurements.
271
00:17:39,440 --> 00:17:41,590
- Hers, presumably!
- Yes.
272
00:17:41,640 --> 00:17:44,473
Jerry calls it my "oratorio tent".
273
00:17:47,000 --> 00:17:48,798
Well, I suppose you want me to take it in.
274
00:17:48,840 --> 00:17:51,195
- At least, I hope you want me to take it in!
- Please.
275
00:17:51,240 --> 00:17:54,949
Right, well, waft your way over there.
I'll be with you in a minute.
276
00:17:56,200 --> 00:17:59,033
- Bills?
- These are big enough to be Williams!
277
00:18:01,000 --> 00:18:04,914
Ah, well... l suppose
I could always go back on the game.
278
00:18:09,040 --> 00:18:10,678
Let's have a look.
279
00:18:10,720 --> 00:18:13,394
Are you very worried
about your financial position?
280
00:18:13,440 --> 00:18:16,512
Let's put it this way: I can see the red
at the end of the tunnel!
281
00:18:16,560 --> 00:18:18,870
Now, then, it wants to come in under the bust.
282
00:18:18,920 --> 00:18:23,517
Yes. Not too much. Miss Mountshaft wants us all
to look as virginal as possible.
283
00:18:24,920 --> 00:18:27,196
Shame. You've got nice boobs.
284
00:18:27,240 --> 00:18:29,231
Barbara! Really?
285
00:18:32,120 --> 00:18:35,351
Just how close to financial collapse are you?
286
00:18:35,400 --> 00:18:39,359
Well, we'll be all right
if the crops come in before the money runs out.
287
00:18:39,400 --> 00:18:42,597
- Always the brave face.
- I've starched my upper lip.
288
00:18:44,000 --> 00:18:48,710
- But you are worried?
- Yes, I am a bit worried.
289
00:18:48,760 --> 00:18:52,390
Now, then, how many feet
do you want this taken up?
290
00:18:54,080 --> 00:18:58,677
It's no good, Barbara. I must tell you.
I know that money is coming to you.
291
00:18:58,720 --> 00:19:01,189
Oh, yes? You've been reading the tea leaves?
292
00:19:01,760 --> 00:19:06,596
No... No, I was dusting Jerry's study
when I happened to break into his desk.
293
00:19:10,440 --> 00:19:13,159
How can you "happen to break into a desk"?
294
00:19:13,200 --> 00:19:16,431
Well, I was dusting.. fairly vigorously
295
00:19:16,480 --> 00:19:19,836
and the lock just flew open and there it was!
296
00:19:19,880 --> 00:19:22,793
- The cup with the tea leaves in it?
- Indisputable proof
297
00:19:22,840 --> 00:19:25,912
that Tom is doing the freelance work
that Andrew offered him.
298
00:19:29,560 --> 00:19:32,552
- Are you sure?
- Tom's signature was on the drawings.
299
00:19:33,440 --> 00:19:35,431
You don't look very pleased.
300
00:19:37,280 --> 00:19:39,396
It's probably because I'm disgusted!
301
00:19:39,640 --> 00:19:41,631
But why?
302
00:19:43,640 --> 00:19:46,712
He told me he was round your house
putting shelves up.
303
00:19:46,760 --> 00:19:49,513
- Oh, allittle white lie.
- A great, dirty, black one!
304
00:19:49,560 --> 00:19:52,712
Barbara, there are times
when I don't understand you at all.
305
00:19:52,760 --> 00:19:54,239
Don't you see what this means?
306
00:19:54,280 --> 00:19:59,673
At last, Tom has realised how unfair it is to make
you struggle along like some medieval serf.
307
00:20:01,360 --> 00:20:04,159
- What are you doing?
- I'm just clearing the area.
308
00:20:04,200 --> 00:20:06,840
I don't want innocent bystanders injured.
309
00:20:06,880 --> 00:20:09,076
- I don't understand.
- Let's put it this way.
310
00:20:09,120 --> 00:20:13,717
I don't want you singing the Messiah
with Tom's blood splattered all over your dress.
311
00:20:19,120 --> 00:20:21,111
(Tom whistling)
312
00:20:25,840 --> 00:20:27,831
Hello, hello, hello! (Chuckles)
313
00:20:28,040 --> 00:20:31,032
Ah, just oiled the generator.
She's running like a Rolls Royce.
314
00:20:31,080 --> 00:20:33,640
Any... creaking limbs you want lubricating,
madam?
315
00:20:33,680 --> 00:20:35,671
- Tom!
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
316
00:20:37,720 --> 00:20:41,111
How are those shelves coming along
that you're putting up for Jerry?
317
00:20:41,160 --> 00:20:42,275
- Shelves?
- Mm.
318
00:20:42,320 --> 00:20:44,596
Oh, the shelves! Oh, great! Great!
319
00:20:44,640 --> 00:20:48,918
Ah, no. Actually, no, no, no. See,
I'm having a bit of trouble with the angle irons,
320
00:20:48,960 --> 00:20:51,076
because the wall's not dead plumb, you see.
321
00:20:51,120 --> 00:20:54,431
But I pepped up the battens, so that's OK.
When I do the actual beading...
322
00:20:54,760 --> 00:20:56,671
- Ow! That hurt.
- Good!
323
00:20:56,720 --> 00:20:58,711
- What's the game?
- The one you're playing,
324
00:20:58,760 --> 00:21:00,956
taking that job behind my back, you lying toad!
325
00:21:02,200 --> 00:21:03,952
- Oh.
- Yes, "Oh".
326
00:21:04,000 --> 00:21:07,038
- Look, there's a perfectly good reason...
- There is not!
327
00:21:07,080 --> 00:21:10,391
It's a betrayal! What is the point
of trying to do it on our own
328
00:21:10,440 --> 00:21:14,229
if you're going to go off and start wage-earning
every time things get a bit tight?
329
00:21:14,280 --> 00:21:16,476
- This is the thin end of the wedge!
- But...
330
00:21:16,520 --> 00:21:19,433
Shut up! First it'll be one job,
just to pay off these bills.
331
00:21:19,480 --> 00:21:25,078
Then it'll be two! This isn't the self-sufficiency
we talked about. It's a spineless compromise.
332
00:21:25,160 --> 00:21:27,549
You just chucked the whole thing
out of the window!
333
00:21:27,600 --> 00:21:29,352
- Will you let me say something?
- Yes, goon.
334
00:21:29,400 --> 00:21:31,914
Your perfectly good reason.
I'd like to know what it is.
335
00:21:31,960 --> 00:21:35,794
There is no good reason in the world
for you taking that job!
336
00:21:35,840 --> 00:21:40,835
How about me wanting to take you
on that pagan rite we talked about?
337
00:21:43,960 --> 00:21:47,476
- What?
- Look, this is... the first and the last time.
338
00:21:48,000 --> 00:21:51,152
It's one job for one reason: you.
339
00:21:56,040 --> 00:21:59,396
Ow! What's that for?
340
00:22:00,960 --> 00:22:03,270
That's for being bloody perfect!
341
00:22:04,480 --> 00:22:06,756
(Chuckles)
342
00:22:06,800 --> 00:22:10,191
No, Miss Mountshaft, it is important
where I stand for the performance.
343
00:22:10,240 --> 00:22:12,231
I am going to stand in the front row.
344
00:22:14,920 --> 00:22:17,355
I beg your pardon, Miss Mountshaft?
345
00:22:17,400 --> 00:22:20,199
I would remind you that I am the only first alto
346
00:22:20,240 --> 00:22:22,231
who can hit an A below middle C,
347
00:22:23,600 --> 00:22:26,752
in addition to which I am probably
the only person in the whole choir
348
00:22:26,800 --> 00:22:30,111
to have made anything
of those ghastly tents we're wearing.
349
00:22:30,840 --> 00:22:32,831
No, I have not finished, Miss Mountshaft.
350
00:22:32,880 --> 00:22:34,791
Furthermore, let us remember
351
00:22:34,840 --> 00:22:38,390
that it is I who supplied the gingerbread men
for rehearsal teas.
352
00:22:40,760 --> 00:22:45,675
(Chuckles) "Blackmail" is an ugly word,
Miss Mountshaft.
353
00:22:48,080 --> 00:22:50,879
Thank you very much.
I thought you'd see it my way.
354
00:22:51,880 --> 00:22:55,350
See you Tuesday, then. Oh, and perhaps
we can take that opportunity
355
00:22:55,400 --> 00:22:58,677
to discuss who's going to play the lead
in The Sound Of Music.
356
00:22:58,720 --> 00:23:00,711
Goodbye, Miss Mountshaft.
357
00:23:00,760 --> 00:23:03,878
I've fed all Tom's animals and
given the goat her evening milking.
358
00:23:03,920 --> 00:23:06,833
Incidentally, the rubber gloves
were not appreciated.
359
00:23:06,880 --> 00:23:08,791
Nevertheless, I'm glad you wore them.
360
00:23:08,840 --> 00:23:10,990
We don't want udder rash in this house.
361
00:23:12,840 --> 00:23:16,720
Ordinary people would ask
their neighbours round to baby-sit. Huh!
362
00:23:17,400 --> 00:23:19,391
I do hope they have a lovely time.
363
00:23:19,440 --> 00:23:23,434
Judging from the smirk on Tom's face
when they left, "lovely time" is hardly the word.
364
00:23:23,480 --> 00:23:27,633
Could be the seduction of the year.
Second honeymoon, even.
365
00:23:28,200 --> 00:23:31,158
Oh, yes, of course.
They're staying overnight at the hotel.
366
00:23:31,200 --> 00:23:34,909
- Yes.
- Jerry, do you remember ours?
367
00:23:35,840 --> 00:23:37,831
Our what?
368
00:23:38,560 --> 00:23:40,915
- Our honeymoon!
- Oh, yes, of course.
369
00:23:41,720 --> 00:23:44,473
- You know what I remember most?
- What's that, Jerry?
370
00:23:44,520 --> 00:23:46,511
The hotel games room.
371
00:23:49,680 --> 00:23:51,671
Every ping-pong ball was cracked.
372
00:23:53,840 --> 00:23:56,354
But the room, our room... Do you remember?
373
00:23:56,400 --> 00:23:58,676
Our lovely balcony with the view over the lake...
374
00:23:58,720 --> 00:24:01,678
- Yes, it was rather picturesque.
- It was beautiful!
375
00:24:01,720 --> 00:24:06,112
I mean, it's not the sort of thing one packs, is it,
aping-pong ball...
376
00:24:07,520 --> 00:24:11,798
- No.
- What are we going to do with our evening?
377
00:24:13,440 --> 00:24:15,272
What would you like to do, Jerry?
378
00:24:15,320 --> 00:24:17,516
Erm... Let's see.
379
00:24:18,560 --> 00:24:20,551
We could have Ian and Jilly over.
380
00:24:21,240 --> 00:24:24,596
Oh, I'd rather not. I've never been
very comfortable with lan and Jilly
381
00:24:24,640 --> 00:24:29,396
- since they started dabbling in tarot cards.
- Mmm... Howard and Sue?
382
00:24:30,000 --> 00:24:32,116
- Socialists.
- Oh, yeah.
383
00:24:33,800 --> 00:24:37,236
- Haven't seen Phil and Linda for ages.
- They're on their boat.
384
00:24:37,280 --> 00:24:40,671
- Mark and Babette?
- They're on theirs.
385
00:24:42,000 --> 00:24:45,038
No, Jerry, I wasn't really thinking about people.
386
00:24:46,000 --> 00:24:47,911
Oh, you mean.. just us two?
387
00:24:47,960 --> 00:24:51,840
- Yes.
- Oh, right! Restaurants...
388
00:24:54,680 --> 00:24:59,709
Passacaglia... No. That's where my sambuca
set light to the tablecloth.
389
00:24:59,760 --> 00:25:02,115
- (Chuckles)
- Juanita's?
390
00:25:03,240 --> 00:25:06,631
Well, I'm not really... very hungry, Jerry.
391
00:25:06,680 --> 00:25:08,637
- Silly, this, isn't it?
- What?
392
00:25:08,680 --> 00:25:11,240
It's easy for Tom and Barbara.
They hardly ever go out.
393
00:25:11,280 --> 00:25:15,717
We know a hundred places and 500 people
and can't think of a thing to do.
394
00:25:18,800 --> 00:25:23,510
Well, not everything we enjoy
is in the address book, Jerry.
395
00:25:24,680 --> 00:25:28,514
No! I see. (Chuckles)
396
00:25:29,720 --> 00:25:31,711
What a good idea.
397
00:25:44,680 --> 00:25:46,671
(Hum of conversation)
398
00:25:47,160 --> 00:25:50,596
You know, I think gluttony
is my second-favourite sin.
399
00:25:50,640 --> 00:25:51,755
Oh, definitely.
400
00:25:51,800 --> 00:25:55,634
Mind you, all we've had is not the
straight-out-of-the-ground stuff we're used to.
401
00:25:55,680 --> 00:25:58,194
No, that was jam-packed full of additives.
402
00:25:58,240 --> 00:26:00,993
- Oh... Fatty acids...
- Cholesterol...
403
00:26:01,040 --> 00:26:03,077
All terribly bad for you.
404
00:26:03,120 --> 00:26:06,033
- Great, wasn't it?
- Fantastic!
405
00:26:06,080 --> 00:26:08,071
- You look gorgeous.
- Dol?
406
00:26:09,080 --> 00:26:11,356
It's funny, dressing up as a woman again.
407
00:26:11,400 --> 00:26:14,358
- I haven't had my posh frock on for ages.
- What does it feel like?
408
00:26:16,560 --> 00:26:20,155
Sensuous, I would say.
Yes, definitely sensuous.
409
00:26:20,200 --> 00:26:23,875
Good. Keep feeling that way
till we get upstairs to the bridal suite.
410
00:26:25,000 --> 00:26:28,152
Bridal suite, sir? May I offer my congratulations.
411
00:26:28,200 --> 00:26:31,272
(Cockney accent)
Oh, cor, Mr Thomas, he's tumbled us!
412
00:26:31,320 --> 00:26:35,279
(Posh accent) I've told you before, don't call me
"Mr Thomas". The name is John. Sorry.
413
00:26:35,320 --> 00:26:37,311
I understand, sir.
414
00:26:39,480 --> 00:26:41,551
- Supreme trifle for madame.
- Oh, ta!
415
00:26:42,200 --> 00:26:44,669
(Whispers) Only, see, we're not really married.
416
00:26:44,720 --> 00:26:48,315
Don't talk so much, my dear.
Don't want to send the stole back to the furriers.
417
00:26:48,360 --> 00:26:50,351
Oh, no, sir! Er, John. Er, Thomas.
418
00:26:50,800 --> 00:26:52,871
- Green figs for you, sir.
- Er, thank you.
419
00:26:52,920 --> 00:26:56,072
Thomas, should I bob him a couple of bob
to keep quiet?
420
00:26:57,440 --> 00:26:59,511
Discretion is our watchword, madam.
421
00:26:59,560 --> 00:27:02,313
Do you want to spend the rest of your life
in that typing pool?
422
00:27:02,360 --> 00:27:06,399
Oh, no, sir! Look, tell you what. I'll do anything
you tell me to when we get upstairs.
423
00:27:10,880 --> 00:27:14,839
- You're rude, you are!
- Well, if a bloke's going to spend �50 on me...
424
00:27:16,120 --> 00:27:18,236
Worth it, though, wasn't it? Was it worth it!
425
00:27:18,280 --> 00:27:23,195
Talk about recharging your batteries. I'll whizz
around that garden like an electric eel tomorrow!
426
00:27:23,240 --> 00:27:27,120
- �50?
- Well, that includes the bridal suite, of course.
427
00:27:28,360 --> 00:27:33,275
- You used to get twice that on a design job.
- Oh, I'm dearer now. I got �200 for this one.
428
00:27:35,400 --> 00:27:37,391
What happened to the other �1507
429
00:27:37,440 --> 00:27:39,909
Ah, well, erm... l wanted that for something.
430
00:27:41,120 --> 00:27:43,509
Oh, yes. I know what, too.
431
00:27:43,560 --> 00:27:46,712
When we get home, there are going to be
those bills on the doormat
432
00:27:46,760 --> 00:27:49,274
with "Paid" miraculously stamped all over them.
433
00:27:49,320 --> 00:27:52,119
Tom, you lied to me! Doing it for me
was just a rotten excuse.
434
00:27:52,160 --> 00:27:54,151
Aaargh!
435
00:27:56,280 --> 00:27:58,271
(Chuckles awkwardly)
436
00:28:01,800 --> 00:28:03,791
I wanted the extra money for this,
437
00:28:04,440 --> 00:28:06,636
just to say you're the best wife a man ever had.
438
00:28:13,640 --> 00:28:15,631
Oh, blimey...
439
00:28:17,840 --> 00:28:20,229
Canters...
440
00:28:21,600 --> 00:28:23,591
Oh, Tom...
441
00:28:25,080 --> 00:28:28,789
- I don't deserve you.
- Yes, you do.
442
00:28:28,839 --> 00:28:33,389
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