Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:01,369 --> 00:00:01,535
.
2
00:00:01,569 --> 00:00:01,869
- Oh.
3
00:00:02,836 --> 00:00:05,406
[groaning]
4
00:00:07,541 --> 00:00:08,809
[groans loudly]
5
00:00:08,842 --> 00:00:10,578
- Mateo, we get it.
6
00:00:10,611 --> 00:00:12,613
- Okay, I can't help it.
I have an ear infection.
7
00:00:12,646 --> 00:00:14,348
- You know,
whenever I get one of those,
8
00:00:14,382 --> 00:00:16,384
I put a little garlic oil
in my ear.
9
00:00:16,417 --> 00:00:19,520
It takes away the sting, and
you get to smell like the Pope.
10
00:00:19,553 --> 00:00:22,390
- I'm telling you, a little
VapoRub on a Q-tip and--
11
00:00:22,423 --> 00:00:23,424
- Again with the VapoRub.
12
00:00:23,457 --> 00:00:25,326
- It's a miracle drug!
13
00:00:25,359 --> 00:00:27,561
- Oh, why don't you go
to a doctor?
14
00:00:27,595 --> 00:00:30,131
- Our deductible is $4,000,
so no.
15
00:00:30,164 --> 00:00:31,599
- We don't have
the best health insurance.
16
00:00:31,632 --> 00:00:33,167
- I get ear infections
all the time, okay?
17
00:00:33,201 --> 00:00:34,402
It will go away.
18
00:00:34,435 --> 00:00:36,304
- I've had cavity
for over a year.
19
00:00:36,337 --> 00:00:38,272
I just put a little candle wax
in it to hold me over
20
00:00:38,306 --> 00:00:39,473
until I win the lottery.
21
00:00:39,507 --> 00:00:41,242
- That's horrifying.
22
00:00:41,275 --> 00:00:42,610
- It's not so bad once
the nerve is dead.
23
00:00:42,643 --> 00:00:44,245
- You got to rub
breast milk on it.
24
00:00:44,278 --> 00:00:46,580
Breast milk helps anything.
25
00:00:46,614 --> 00:00:48,449
The problem is just finding
breast milk.
26
00:00:48,482 --> 00:00:49,850
- Why would you go looking
for breast milk
27
00:00:49,883 --> 00:00:51,385
when we have VapoRub
28
00:00:51,419 --> 00:00:52,453
right here in the store?
29
00:00:52,486 --> 00:00:53,621
- Yeah, or root beer.
30
00:00:53,654 --> 00:00:55,189
A root beer fixes everything.
31
00:00:55,223 --> 00:00:56,590
Gallstones, pinkeye.
32
00:00:56,624 --> 00:00:58,192
It'll clean your toilet.
33
00:00:58,226 --> 00:00:59,327
It's kind of the perfect food.
34
00:00:59,360 --> 00:01:00,494
- You need antibiotics,
35
00:01:00,528 --> 00:01:02,530
not useless home remedies.
36
00:01:02,563 --> 00:01:04,598
- Says the guy who drinks apple
cider vinegar every morning.
37
00:01:04,632 --> 00:01:06,534
- No, no. That's good.
38
00:01:06,567 --> 00:01:08,236
That has, um...
39
00:01:08,269 --> 00:01:09,570
It's--I'm gonna look
up the article.
40
00:01:09,603 --> 00:01:11,205
- Okay, you can use some
of mine.
41
00:01:11,239 --> 00:01:12,573
- Oh--
- It's a bug repellant,
42
00:01:12,606 --> 00:01:14,442
It heals cuts.
My grandma's using it
43
00:01:14,475 --> 00:01:16,577
to shrink her moles.
- Well your grandma's a moron.
44
00:01:16,610 --> 00:01:17,678
- Well the moles are shrinking,
Dina,
45
00:01:17,711 --> 00:01:19,447
so who's the moron?
46
00:01:19,480 --> 00:01:20,581
- You don't mess with moles.
You see a doctor.
47
00:01:20,614 --> 00:01:22,416
I recently had one removed.
48
00:01:22,450 --> 00:01:24,385
- Sounds like someone's
had some work done.
49
00:01:24,418 --> 00:01:26,554
That's very Beverly Hills
of you.
50
00:01:26,587 --> 00:01:28,622
- Uh, no, Glenn,
it was a melanoma,
51
00:01:28,656 --> 00:01:31,125
and we caught it early so guess
who has two thumbs
52
00:01:31,159 --> 00:01:33,527
and is cancer free.
Everybody but Dale.
53
00:01:33,561 --> 00:01:35,629
- Enzymes...
54
00:01:35,663 --> 00:01:38,399
Apple cider vinegar
has good enzymes.
55
00:01:38,432 --> 00:01:40,601
[upbeat music]
56
00:01:40,634 --> 00:01:43,337
*
57
00:01:43,371 --> 00:01:45,206
- We appreciate your patience.
58
00:01:45,239 --> 00:01:47,308
Please state your reason
for requesting a
59
00:01:47,341 --> 00:01:48,609
dermatologist.
60
00:01:48,642 --> 00:01:52,680
- Uh, I have a mole
on my, um...
61
00:01:52,713 --> 00:01:53,914
You know.
62
00:01:53,947 --> 00:01:55,616
- I didn't get that.
63
00:01:55,649 --> 00:01:57,485
- Yeah, I'm not comfortable
talking to a lady.
64
00:01:57,518 --> 00:02:00,154
Is there a male robot
I could talk to?
65
00:02:00,188 --> 00:02:01,455
- I didn't get that.
66
00:02:01,489 --> 00:02:03,891
- It's on my bathing suit area.
67
00:02:03,924 --> 00:02:05,526
- I didn't get that.
68
00:02:05,559 --> 00:02:07,528
- Could I just make an
appointment? Please.
69
00:02:07,561 --> 00:02:11,232
- The next appointment
with a dermatologist is...
70
00:02:11,265 --> 00:02:14,402
June 17, 2018.
71
00:02:14,435 --> 00:02:16,470
- That's six months away.
72
00:02:16,504 --> 00:02:18,306
- If you are finished
with your call
73
00:02:18,339 --> 00:02:21,242
please press five or hang up.
74
00:02:21,275 --> 00:02:24,245
Please hold
for a quick survey.
75
00:02:24,278 --> 00:02:26,247
- Oh, okay.
76
00:02:26,680 --> 00:02:29,583
- Oh, hey, what sounds more
like a real charity,
77
00:02:29,617 --> 00:02:33,554
The Mateo Project,
or the Liwanag League?
78
00:02:33,587 --> 00:02:35,289
- This is crazy.
79
00:02:35,323 --> 00:02:36,457
We shouldn't have
to invent a charity
80
00:02:36,490 --> 00:02:37,591
every single time an employee
81
00:02:37,625 --> 00:02:39,527
needs money to see a doctor.
82
00:02:39,560 --> 00:02:41,229
The Mateo Project.
83
00:02:41,262 --> 00:02:42,663
- Really?
I think the Liwanag League.
84
00:02:42,696 --> 00:02:44,665
- I mean, scrambling
to pull money together
85
00:02:44,698 --> 00:02:46,500
whenever somebody gets sick?
That's...
86
00:02:46,534 --> 00:02:48,236
That's inhuman.
87
00:02:48,269 --> 00:02:49,603
- Would love to get people
to pony up
88
00:02:49,637 --> 00:02:51,305
before we get sick,
but planning ahead
89
00:02:51,339 --> 00:02:52,640
just really isn't our style.
90
00:02:52,673 --> 00:02:55,209
No, you were right,
Mateo Project.
91
00:02:55,243 --> 00:02:58,279
- Wait, no, that's
actually a really good idea.
92
00:02:58,312 --> 00:03:00,348
If we all contribute a little
bit of money every month,
93
00:03:00,381 --> 00:03:02,550
we could create
our own health fund.
94
00:03:02,583 --> 00:03:03,684
- [gasps]
95
00:03:03,717 --> 00:03:05,586
Oh, my God.
96
00:03:05,619 --> 00:03:06,987
Jonah.
97
00:03:07,020 --> 00:03:08,456
That's amazing.
98
00:03:08,489 --> 00:03:09,557
- Right?
99
00:03:09,590 --> 00:03:11,392
- You just did it.
You...
100
00:03:11,425 --> 00:03:13,327
You solved healthcare.
101
00:03:13,361 --> 00:03:14,695
I mean...
- Okay.
102
00:03:14,728 --> 00:03:16,497
- So many brilliant minds have
tried before you
103
00:03:16,530 --> 00:03:18,299
and they couldn't, and then
here you are--
104
00:03:18,332 --> 00:03:19,733
- Okay.
- Jonah the working class
105
00:03:19,767 --> 00:03:21,535
savant with a few business
school credits.
106
00:03:21,569 --> 00:03:23,237
Jonah, where are you going?
107
00:03:23,271 --> 00:03:24,572
Together we could solve
immigration.
108
00:03:24,605 --> 00:03:26,440
- Are you out of your mind?
109
00:03:26,474 --> 00:03:28,276
I can't give you meds
without a prescription.
110
00:03:28,309 --> 00:03:29,810
I could lose my license,
go to jail.
111
00:03:29,843 --> 00:03:31,712
- Okay, sorry.
112
00:03:31,745 --> 00:03:33,314
Calm down.
113
00:03:33,347 --> 00:03:35,015
- [clears throat]
114
00:03:35,048 --> 00:03:36,617
- [sighs]
115
00:03:40,721 --> 00:03:42,456
[inaudible]
116
00:03:42,490 --> 00:03:44,224
- [clears throat]
117
00:03:48,061 --> 00:03:50,431
Uh, yeah, buddy.
I can hook you up.
118
00:03:50,464 --> 00:03:53,401
So, you looking to get wasted
or just a nice clean high?
119
00:03:53,434 --> 00:03:55,769
- Um, just...antibiotics.
120
00:03:55,803 --> 00:03:58,472
- A.B.'s, old school,
I feel you.
121
00:03:58,506 --> 00:04:01,475
The thing about pills is
they're so tiny,
122
00:04:01,509 --> 00:04:02,743
they're hard to keep track of.
123
00:04:02,776 --> 00:04:04,578
Sometimes I miscount.
124
00:04:04,612 --> 00:04:06,614
[both chuckle]
- So bad.
125
00:04:06,647 --> 00:04:09,350
- Okeydoke, let's see what I
can throw your way.
126
00:04:09,383 --> 00:04:11,485
Lipitor, Lipitor, Lipitor.
127
00:04:11,519 --> 00:04:13,321
You know, what the hell?
128
00:04:13,354 --> 00:04:15,356
Does that look like Oxy
or a SweeTart to you?
129
00:04:15,389 --> 00:04:16,824
- I don't know.
130
00:04:16,857 --> 00:04:18,559
- [chews]
131
00:04:18,592 --> 00:04:20,394
I don't know.
That's a headscratcher.
132
00:04:20,428 --> 00:04:21,629
Mm. Oh, here we go.
133
00:04:21,662 --> 00:04:23,697
Expired amoxicillin.
- Okay.
134
00:04:23,731 --> 00:04:25,032
- Perfect.
135
00:04:25,065 --> 00:04:27,034
Gotcha.
- Thank you.
136
00:04:27,067 --> 00:04:28,769
How much do I owe you?
- What?
137
00:04:28,802 --> 00:04:30,638
Are you crazy? You don't just
hand me the money.
138
00:04:30,671 --> 00:04:33,374
Behind the Just for Men.
Medium Dark Brown.
139
00:04:33,407 --> 00:04:35,476
- Okay.
140
00:04:36,644 --> 00:04:38,679
- Oh.
141
00:04:38,712 --> 00:04:41,415
[laughs] That was Oxy.
142
00:04:41,449 --> 00:04:43,784
- Hey, howdy-do.
143
00:04:43,817 --> 00:04:46,620
Any room at the inn for a fella
144
00:04:46,654 --> 00:04:49,690
with a PB and J minus the PB?
145
00:04:49,723 --> 00:04:51,692
- Sure.
146
00:04:51,725 --> 00:04:53,527
We were just talking about
how my boyfriend Jerry's doing.
147
00:04:53,561 --> 00:04:55,429
- Oh.
- He has a vegetal growth
148
00:04:55,463 --> 00:04:57,365
on his teeth due to the coma,
and uh--
149
00:04:57,398 --> 00:05:00,501
- Hey, remember how before we
were talking about melanomas.
150
00:05:00,534 --> 00:05:02,536
How do you know if a mole
is one of those?
151
00:05:02,570 --> 00:05:03,737
- Well, there's lots
of warning signs.
152
00:05:03,771 --> 00:05:04,805
Is it getting bigger?
153
00:05:04,838 --> 00:05:06,907
- Sometimes it gets bigger.
154
00:05:06,940 --> 00:05:09,410
Sometimes it gets smaller...
155
00:05:09,443 --> 00:05:11,812
depending on factors.
156
00:05:11,845 --> 00:05:13,814
- Sounds suspicious.
You want me to take a look?
157
00:05:13,847 --> 00:05:15,683
- Definitely not.
158
00:05:15,716 --> 00:05:18,552
Besides, I got a doctor's
appointment in six months so--
159
00:05:18,586 --> 00:05:19,853
- Oh, I wouldn't wait.
160
00:05:19,887 --> 00:05:21,622
If it's cancer
and they catch it early,
161
00:05:21,655 --> 00:05:23,557
it's just a simple surgery.
162
00:05:23,591 --> 00:05:25,426
But the longer you wait,
163
00:05:25,459 --> 00:05:26,827
they got to cut deeper
164
00:05:26,860 --> 00:05:30,864
and deeper and deeper
165
00:05:30,898 --> 00:05:32,933
till essentially
there's nothing left.
166
00:05:32,966 --> 00:05:34,668
[thud]
167
00:05:34,702 --> 00:05:36,404
- Don't eat it!
168
00:05:39,440 --> 00:05:41,341
Ow.
169
00:05:48,949 --> 00:05:51,652
- So instead of relying
on the jar method,
170
00:05:51,685 --> 00:05:54,121
we would each contribute
20 bucks a month,
171
00:05:54,154 --> 00:05:56,156
and then the fund grows,
172
00:05:56,189 --> 00:05:57,958
and then we pay it out--
173
00:05:57,991 --> 00:05:59,627
- Slow your roll.
174
00:05:59,660 --> 00:06:01,595
This sounds like
a pyramid scheme.
175
00:06:01,629 --> 00:06:03,897
- Guys, this is not [chuckles]
a pyramid scheme, okay?
176
00:06:03,931 --> 00:06:06,467
A pyramid scheme needs
to recruit.
177
00:06:06,500 --> 00:06:09,403
This--what's--this is--
178
00:06:10,604 --> 00:06:13,841
Technically,
this is recruiting, but--
179
00:06:13,874 --> 00:06:15,743
- Oh, I think this is going
really well.
180
00:06:15,776 --> 00:06:17,611
- Well I smell socialism,
181
00:06:17,645 --> 00:06:19,413
and we all know
where that leads.
182
00:06:19,447 --> 00:06:20,981
- High literacy rates,
low infant mortality,
183
00:06:21,014 --> 00:06:22,983
increased quality of life,
fjords.
184
00:06:23,016 --> 00:06:26,587
- Uh, no, the government
watching us on the toilet.
185
00:06:26,620 --> 00:06:28,956
- Hey, guys, look.
I know that this idea
186
00:06:28,989 --> 00:06:31,892
seems really not well
thought out
187
00:06:31,925 --> 00:06:34,795
and that it's totally naive.
188
00:06:37,865 --> 00:06:41,001
That's all I wanted to say.
189
00:06:41,034 --> 00:06:42,503
- Thank you, Amy.
190
00:06:42,536 --> 00:06:43,771
- I actually think it sounds
191
00:06:43,804 --> 00:06:44,905
like a really good idea.
192
00:06:44,938 --> 00:06:46,507
- All right.
- [giggles]
193
00:06:46,540 --> 00:06:47,641
- Thank you.
194
00:06:47,675 --> 00:06:49,443
- You know what, I'm in too.
195
00:06:49,477 --> 00:06:50,978
If it is a pyramid scheme,
196
00:06:51,011 --> 00:06:53,781
at least I will be on the top
197
00:06:53,814 --> 00:06:55,182
ahead of all these suckers.
198
00:06:55,215 --> 00:06:56,984
- That is sound logic, Marcus.
199
00:06:57,017 --> 00:06:58,619
You know what,
keep them coming.
200
00:06:58,652 --> 00:06:59,920
Spread the word.
201
00:06:59,953 --> 00:07:01,822
The more the merrier.
202
00:07:01,855 --> 00:07:03,624
- [sniffs]
[groans]
203
00:07:03,657 --> 00:07:04,992
Sorry it's so damp.
204
00:07:05,025 --> 00:07:06,527
- Thank you.
205
00:07:06,560 --> 00:07:07,661
- Wait, so nobody thinks
206
00:07:07,695 --> 00:07:08,996
that this is problematic?
207
00:07:09,029 --> 00:07:11,231
[quirky music]
208
00:07:13,901 --> 00:07:14,067
.
209
00:07:14,101 --> 00:07:14,468
[clicking keys]
210
00:07:19,640 --> 00:07:20,708
- Oh, my God.
211
00:07:20,741 --> 00:07:22,576
[door opens]
212
00:07:22,610 --> 00:07:24,712
What are you doing here?
213
00:07:24,745 --> 00:07:27,214
- Uh, you told me to stop
by for my review.
214
00:07:27,247 --> 00:07:29,917
- Yeah, well, now's not a good
time, so come back later.
215
00:07:29,950 --> 00:07:31,885
- Okay.
216
00:07:35,623 --> 00:07:37,825
- [groans and sighs]
217
00:07:40,594 --> 00:07:41,995
- So excited about this.
218
00:07:42,029 --> 00:07:43,631
I can finally get my inhaler.
219
00:07:43,664 --> 00:07:44,765
- Oh.
220
00:07:44,798 --> 00:07:46,834
I'm glad it all worked out.
221
00:07:46,867 --> 00:07:48,969
- I just couldn't put the money
together before.
222
00:07:49,002 --> 00:07:50,971
I reduced my shifts
because of Jerry,
223
00:07:51,004 --> 00:07:52,840
and I had to pay to put one
of my cats down.
224
00:07:52,873 --> 00:07:54,875
She ate one of my other cats.
225
00:07:54,908 --> 00:07:57,010
- Well, I don't know what
to say to that,
226
00:07:57,044 --> 00:08:01,014
but I'm glad that it all worked
out with the inhaler.
227
00:08:01,048 --> 00:08:02,750
- [laughs] Thanks.
228
00:08:06,820 --> 00:08:08,589
- Oh.
- Oh.
229
00:08:08,622 --> 00:08:10,858
- All right.
- [laughs]
230
00:08:12,893 --> 00:08:15,863
- God, it feels good to help,
you know.
231
00:08:15,896 --> 00:08:17,731
Word must be getting around.
232
00:08:17,765 --> 00:08:19,767
- Yeah, you're a real saint.
233
00:08:19,800 --> 00:08:21,902
Hey, I'm gonna need you
to clean the men's room.
234
00:08:21,935 --> 00:08:23,604
Someone dumped chili
in the urinal.
235
00:08:23,637 --> 00:08:24,938
- You know what I mean though?
236
00:08:24,972 --> 00:08:27,107
To like actually
accomplish something,
237
00:08:27,140 --> 00:08:28,876
even when the haters are
calling you naive.
238
00:08:28,909 --> 00:08:30,644
- Mm-hmm.
- I wonder if this is
239
00:08:30,678 --> 00:08:33,681
how Obama felt
when he passed Obamacare.
240
00:08:33,714 --> 00:08:35,616
- A lot of people
still hate Obama.
241
00:08:37,317 --> 00:08:39,620
- Thanks for taking a look.
- Yeah, sure.
242
00:08:39,653 --> 00:08:40,988
- Yes. [sighs]
243
00:08:43,356 --> 00:08:45,292
I'm sorry, this is so awkward.
244
00:08:45,325 --> 00:08:47,294
- Here, this will help,
I'm sure.
245
00:08:47,327 --> 00:08:48,896
- What--what are you doing?
246
00:08:48,929 --> 00:08:50,330
- I'm making you less
self-conscious.
247
00:08:50,363 --> 00:08:51,765
- No, you don't have
to do that.
248
00:08:51,799 --> 00:08:54,935
- Hey, it's my pleasure.
- No, I--
249
00:08:54,968 --> 00:08:56,904
really rather you didn't.
250
00:08:56,937 --> 00:08:58,806
- Oh, is that a fact.
251
00:08:58,839 --> 00:09:00,908
Well and I'm so hideous
you couldn't possibly
252
00:09:00,941 --> 00:09:02,843
look at my rig, is that it?
- No, I just--
253
00:09:02,876 --> 00:09:04,044
- You think your penis is
better than mine?
254
00:09:04,077 --> 00:09:06,013
- No, I--
- Go on, look at it.
255
00:09:06,046 --> 00:09:07,981
Look at it.
- I don't want to.
256
00:09:08,015 --> 00:09:10,050
- Do me a kindness, Glenn,
257
00:09:10,083 --> 00:09:11,919
and look at my penis.
258
00:09:11,952 --> 00:09:13,887
Do it.
259
00:09:17,357 --> 00:09:19,927
- Sorry.
- Yeah.
260
00:09:19,960 --> 00:09:21,762
Me too.
261
00:09:21,795 --> 00:09:23,631
- I'm excited to get
my cholesterol checked.
262
00:09:23,664 --> 00:09:27,668
Last time was ten years ago,
and it was over 300.
263
00:09:27,701 --> 00:09:29,770
And I have not improved
my diet.
264
00:09:29,803 --> 00:09:32,372
- I wish we had this in place
when I fell.
265
00:09:32,405 --> 00:09:34,808
I had to have all of this--
done at a vet.
266
00:09:34,842 --> 00:09:37,678
- Yeah, Jonah's
pretty smart, huh?
267
00:09:37,711 --> 00:09:39,079
- Well, I mean, it wasn't
really that big of a deal.
268
00:09:39,112 --> 00:09:41,949
We were just discussing
our healthcare situation,
269
00:09:41,982 --> 00:09:43,717
and we came up with it.
270
00:09:43,751 --> 00:09:45,686
- Oh, so you helped
him think of it?
271
00:09:45,719 --> 00:09:48,088
- No. No, no, no, Jonah is
definitely the one
272
00:09:48,121 --> 00:09:49,757
who took the
ball and ran with it.
273
00:09:49,790 --> 00:09:51,391
I'm just the one who
like--I don't know--
274
00:09:51,424 --> 00:09:52,960
like invented the
ball or whatever.
275
00:09:52,993 --> 00:09:55,028
- I know what this is.
276
00:09:55,062 --> 00:09:56,730
You're going through a divorce.
277
00:09:56,764 --> 00:09:58,131
Now Jonah's being
the mother bear
278
00:09:58,165 --> 00:09:59,767
that you usually are.
279
00:09:59,800 --> 00:10:01,168
Plus, the divorce.
280
00:10:01,201 --> 00:10:03,737
- No, that's not what I--
- Guys.
281
00:10:03,771 --> 00:10:05,105
Play along.
She needs this.
282
00:10:05,138 --> 00:10:07,074
- You did it.
- Oh, my God, thank you.
283
00:10:07,107 --> 00:10:08,642
- No.
- See?
284
00:10:08,676 --> 00:10:10,644
You're important too.
285
00:10:12,012 --> 00:10:13,380
- Oh.
286
00:10:13,413 --> 00:10:14,948
Ah, ah.
- Oh.
287
00:10:14,982 --> 00:10:16,817
- I can feel it fizzing.
- Oh, yeah.
288
00:10:16,850 --> 00:10:18,218
That means it's working.
289
00:10:18,251 --> 00:10:20,120
[slurps]
290
00:10:20,153 --> 00:10:22,122
Oh, that's good root beer.
291
00:10:22,155 --> 00:10:24,191
- [sighs]
292
00:10:27,795 --> 00:10:29,797
- What is that?
- That's a mole.
293
00:10:29,830 --> 00:10:31,198
That's what it looks like.
294
00:10:31,231 --> 00:10:33,133
- You've just drawn a circle
on a piece of paper.
295
00:10:33,166 --> 00:10:34,868
This doesn't tell me anything.
296
00:10:34,902 --> 00:10:36,103
Just let me take a look
at the mole.
297
00:10:36,136 --> 00:10:37,971
- Can we please just
do it this way?
298
00:10:38,005 --> 00:10:41,108
- Listen, I have seen literally
hundreds of penises.
299
00:10:41,141 --> 00:10:43,944
Okay? There's nothing you
could possibly have
300
00:10:43,977 --> 00:10:47,047
going on with your junk
that would faze me.
301
00:10:47,080 --> 00:10:49,216
- Okay, um...
302
00:10:49,249 --> 00:10:50,984
Okay, but can we please do it
303
00:10:51,018 --> 00:10:53,020
without me having
to see your vagina?
304
00:10:53,053 --> 00:10:55,155
- I think we can
do it that way.
305
00:10:55,188 --> 00:10:56,423
- Okay.
- Yeah.
306
00:10:56,456 --> 00:10:58,158
- Hey.
307
00:10:58,191 --> 00:10:59,927
Have you signed Jonah's card
yet?
308
00:10:59,960 --> 00:11:01,795
What card?
- A "Thank you" card
309
00:11:01,829 --> 00:11:03,731
for coming up with the idea
for the health fund.
310
00:11:03,764 --> 00:11:05,966
God, he's
an adorable little hero.
311
00:11:05,999 --> 00:11:07,935
I signed mine from The Rock.
312
00:11:07,968 --> 00:11:09,970
I like to keep it light.
313
00:11:11,471 --> 00:11:14,274
- So, um...just checking.
314
00:11:14,307 --> 00:11:16,944
The whole health fund idea,
315
00:11:16,977 --> 00:11:18,912
that was all you, right?
316
00:11:18,946 --> 00:11:20,147
- What?
317
00:11:20,180 --> 00:11:21,982
- 'Cause I'm
just remembering that...
318
00:11:22,015 --> 00:11:25,919
I was there, and I think I'm
the one who suggested it.
319
00:11:25,953 --> 00:11:28,288
- You didn't want to do it.
320
00:11:28,321 --> 00:11:30,758
- No, I didn't,
but it was my idea.
321
00:11:30,791 --> 00:11:34,061
And just because the seed
doesn't become the plant,
322
00:11:34,094 --> 00:11:36,830
doesn't mean you don't
give the seed credit
323
00:11:36,864 --> 00:11:38,799
when everyone starts
freaking out about the plant.
324
00:11:38,832 --> 00:11:40,167
- I don't know what plant
325
00:11:40,200 --> 00:11:42,069
everybody would
be freaking out about.
326
00:11:42,102 --> 00:11:44,137
Oh, of course,
the ghost orchid.
327
00:11:44,171 --> 00:11:47,007
But I think I do know what
you're getting at here.
328
00:11:47,040 --> 00:11:48,942
You want credit.
- What? No.
329
00:11:48,976 --> 00:11:50,778
No, I don't want credit.
330
00:11:50,811 --> 00:11:52,112
I just want people to know
that I had the idea.
331
00:11:52,145 --> 00:11:54,748
- Sure.
Hold on a sec.
332
00:11:54,782 --> 00:11:56,516
Attention Cloud 9 employees
333
00:11:56,549 --> 00:11:58,919
just to be clear,
the health fund
334
00:11:58,952 --> 00:12:00,788
was actually Amy's idea.
335
00:12:00,821 --> 00:12:02,823
So, if you're thanking me,
336
00:12:02,856 --> 00:12:05,826
please remember
to also thank Amy as well.
337
00:12:05,859 --> 00:12:08,495
She's just as responsible
for all of this as I am.
338
00:12:08,528 --> 00:12:11,765
- No, I--No "thank you"s,
just the truth.
339
00:12:11,799 --> 00:12:15,969
Thank you. I know that that's
sort of awkward to have to ask
340
00:12:16,003 --> 00:12:17,337
for credit, and I just--
341
00:12:17,370 --> 00:12:19,139
you kind of put me
in that position.
342
00:12:19,172 --> 00:12:21,541
- Yeah, the health fund is
a total disaster.
343
00:12:27,080 --> 00:12:27,247
.
344
00:12:27,280 --> 00:12:27,647
- This is absurd.
345
00:12:29,116 --> 00:12:30,217
- I don't want you to associate
346
00:12:30,250 --> 00:12:31,418
my penis with my face.
347
00:12:31,451 --> 00:12:33,286
- But I can still see
your face.
348
00:12:33,320 --> 00:12:35,188
- Well, pretend there's
another guy in here.
349
00:12:35,222 --> 00:12:37,157
- Oh, God.
- He's a little fella,
350
00:12:37,190 --> 00:12:39,326
and his penis is the same
height as mine.
351
00:12:39,359 --> 00:12:42,462
And I'm just leaning over his
back so you still see my face,
352
00:12:42,495 --> 00:12:44,431
and he doesn't say a word
because I threatened
353
00:12:44,464 --> 00:12:46,066
to fire him if he made a peep.
354
00:12:46,099 --> 00:12:48,201
Okay?
- I can pretend that.
355
00:12:48,235 --> 00:12:49,502
- Okay.
356
00:12:49,536 --> 00:12:51,438
- Okay, so in the first
357
00:12:51,471 --> 00:12:55,208
four hours, you've managed
to commit us to $37,000.
358
00:12:55,242 --> 00:12:57,077
- The claims just kept coming,
359
00:12:57,110 --> 00:12:58,445
and, you know, it's like
that opening in "Star Wars"
360
00:12:58,478 --> 00:12:59,880
where the words zoom past you.
361
00:12:59,913 --> 00:13:01,414
And at first it's cool,
362
00:13:01,448 --> 00:13:02,449
but eventually you
just can't keep up.
363
00:13:02,482 --> 00:13:03,884
- Wait, Sandra alone has
364
00:13:03,917 --> 00:13:06,319
asthma, rheumatoid arthritis,
365
00:13:06,353 --> 00:13:09,256
sciatica, fibromyalgia,
leaky gut syndrome,
366
00:13:09,289 --> 00:13:10,557
this just keeps going.
367
00:13:10,590 --> 00:13:12,425
- We just got to keep signing
people up.
368
00:13:12,459 --> 00:13:14,194
That's all, okay?
369
00:13:14,227 --> 00:13:16,596
If we get everybody
in the backroom to sign up
370
00:13:16,629 --> 00:13:18,531
then that will pay
for these people.
371
00:13:18,565 --> 00:13:20,400
And then we can go
to other branches
372
00:13:20,433 --> 00:13:22,202
and then that will pay
for the backroom--
373
00:13:22,235 --> 00:13:24,404
- [gasps] This is
a pyramid scheme.
374
00:13:24,437 --> 00:13:26,573
- Shh. How could it be?
I'm not benefiting.
375
00:13:26,606 --> 00:13:28,141
- [groans]
376
00:13:28,175 --> 00:13:30,143
What is this?
377
00:13:30,177 --> 00:13:32,512
- Sandra drew a picture
to save time.
378
00:13:36,516 --> 00:13:38,585
- Here she comes.
379
00:13:45,625 --> 00:13:47,227
- I don't see a mole.
380
00:13:47,260 --> 00:13:49,129
- Oh, it's
on the undercarriage.
381
00:13:49,162 --> 00:13:50,563
- Oh.
- No, don't touch it.
382
00:13:50,597 --> 00:13:52,299
- Well, how am supposed
to look underneath
383
00:13:52,332 --> 00:13:53,901
if I don't pick it up?
384
00:13:59,206 --> 00:14:00,941
This isn't--okay,
this isn't working.
385
00:14:00,974 --> 00:14:02,375
Why don't I just lift
it up with a pen?
386
00:14:02,409 --> 00:14:03,510
- Okay.
387
00:14:03,543 --> 00:14:04,912
Wait, no, not the blue one.
388
00:14:04,945 --> 00:14:06,146
I sign paychecks with that.
389
00:14:06,179 --> 00:14:07,514
- Fine.
390
00:14:07,547 --> 00:14:09,282
What about this
broken Snoopy pencil?
391
00:14:09,316 --> 00:14:11,284
- [sighs] Okay.
392
00:14:11,318 --> 00:14:13,220
[shrieks] Don't use
the pointy end.
393
00:14:13,253 --> 00:14:14,521
It's not a shish kabob.
394
00:14:14,554 --> 00:14:17,157
- So you're cancelling
the health fund?
395
00:14:17,190 --> 00:14:18,491
- Um, no.
396
00:14:18,525 --> 00:14:20,493
The fund will continue.
397
00:14:20,527 --> 00:14:22,930
It will just be more of a...
398
00:14:22,963 --> 00:14:26,466
Selective, sort of case-by-case
situation.
399
00:14:26,499 --> 00:14:28,401
- You're kicking us out.
- No.
400
00:14:28,435 --> 00:14:30,403
- No.
- No. No.
401
00:14:30,437 --> 00:14:34,207
It's just, you know, our vision
was a lot more idealistic
402
00:14:34,241 --> 00:14:36,643
than the realities
of the world.
403
00:14:36,676 --> 00:14:39,312
- Guys, we are really sorry,
404
00:14:39,346 --> 00:14:41,949
but we are giving you
back your premiums.
405
00:14:41,982 --> 00:14:43,516
Isaac.
- How about that?
406
00:14:43,550 --> 00:14:46,586
There you go.
- Sandra.
407
00:14:46,619 --> 00:14:48,155
- No.
408
00:14:48,188 --> 00:14:49,656
- You're trying to [bleep] us.
409
00:14:49,689 --> 00:14:51,258
- Whoa.
410
00:14:51,291 --> 00:14:52,625
- You're trying to [bleep] us.
411
00:14:52,659 --> 00:14:54,394
Well you picked the wrong day
412
00:14:54,427 --> 00:14:56,363
to [bleep]
with Sandra Kaluiokalani!
413
00:14:56,396 --> 00:14:58,966
- Oh, okay, Sandra,
just calm down.
414
00:14:58,999 --> 00:15:01,201
- No! I won't calm down.
415
00:15:01,234 --> 00:15:03,403
We have a contract,
and I can sue.
416
00:15:03,436 --> 00:15:05,572
So, figure it out!
417
00:15:08,308 --> 00:15:10,343
Can I help you
to your car ma'am?
418
00:15:10,377 --> 00:15:13,280
- Your ability to remain
un-erect is really impressive.
419
00:15:13,313 --> 00:15:16,316
- Thank you.
420
00:15:16,349 --> 00:15:18,418
Well?
- Honestly, I don't know.
421
00:15:18,451 --> 00:15:20,420
I think I should text a pic
of it to my derm.
422
00:15:20,453 --> 00:15:22,355
- Okay.
- All right.
423
00:15:22,389 --> 00:15:24,324
- Hey, Glenn, I'm here
for my review.
424
00:15:24,357 --> 00:15:25,658
[camera clicks]
425
00:15:25,692 --> 00:15:28,428
That's...Glenn's penis.
426
00:15:30,363 --> 00:15:32,432
Glenn's penis.
427
00:15:32,465 --> 00:15:34,301
["All Out of Love" playing]
* I know you were right
428
00:15:34,334 --> 00:15:36,736
* Believing for so long
429
00:15:36,769 --> 00:15:39,006
* I'm all out of love
430
00:15:39,039 --> 00:15:40,740
[loud indistinct chatter]
431
00:15:40,773 --> 00:15:42,709
- Guys, just--just--
432
00:15:42,742 --> 00:15:44,744
- Okay! Listen up.
433
00:15:44,777 --> 00:15:47,547
I know there are a lot
of rumors flying around
434
00:15:47,580 --> 00:15:51,018
about the health fund, but we
are not kicking people out.
435
00:15:51,051 --> 00:15:54,621
So we have Group A,
436
00:15:54,654 --> 00:15:56,356
and also for those
437
00:15:56,389 --> 00:15:57,690
with slightly more
health requirements
438
00:15:57,724 --> 00:15:59,359
we have Group B.
439
00:15:59,392 --> 00:16:01,561
- Each group is
exactly the same,
440
00:16:01,594 --> 00:16:03,496
and also different.
441
00:16:03,530 --> 00:16:06,699
- Those in Group A will
continue to pay $20 a month,
442
00:16:06,733 --> 00:16:11,271
and those in Group B,
based on projected expenses,
443
00:16:11,304 --> 00:16:14,041
will pay...$200 a month.
444
00:16:14,074 --> 00:16:17,510
[indistinct shouting]
445
00:16:19,579 --> 00:16:22,349
- I knew it. You two are trying
to rip us off.
446
00:16:22,382 --> 00:16:24,517
You're sitting up there
in your ivory towers
447
00:16:24,551 --> 00:16:25,752
eating your exotic fruits
448
00:16:25,785 --> 00:16:27,354
with two scoops of ice cream.
449
00:16:27,387 --> 00:16:28,655
You're bathing in gold.
450
00:16:28,688 --> 00:16:30,390
- Nobody is doing any
of those things.
451
00:16:30,423 --> 00:16:31,591
- Yeah, hold up.
How come I'm in Group B?
452
00:16:31,624 --> 00:16:33,260
Y'all Group-B'ed me?
- Yes.
453
00:16:33,293 --> 00:16:34,594
But not because
of the wheelchair.
454
00:16:34,627 --> 00:16:36,296
Because you eat
too many Cheez-Its
455
00:16:36,329 --> 00:16:37,464
for one human stomach.
- Oh, come on.
456
00:16:37,497 --> 00:16:38,798
- This sucks.
457
00:16:38,831 --> 00:16:40,100
You have me in
Group B with Sandra,
458
00:16:40,133 --> 00:16:41,434
and she has gout.
459
00:16:41,468 --> 00:16:43,103
- Jesus Christ, Sandra,
460
00:16:43,136 --> 00:16:44,737
how many things do you have
wrong with you?
461
00:16:44,771 --> 00:16:46,073
- Well, what about Marcus?
462
00:16:46,106 --> 00:16:47,274
He shouldn't be in Group A.
463
00:16:47,307 --> 00:16:48,608
His leg is messed up.
464
00:16:48,641 --> 00:16:50,610
- I've got a handle on it.
465
00:16:50,643 --> 00:16:52,412
Okay.
[shrieking]
466
00:16:52,445 --> 00:16:53,746
- Oh, my God.
467
00:16:53,780 --> 00:16:55,482
- That looks infected.
468
00:16:55,515 --> 00:16:57,117
- Not a chance.
Every night I soak it
469
00:16:57,150 --> 00:16:58,685
in my apartment complex's
hot tub,
470
00:16:58,718 --> 00:17:00,553
and chlorine
will kill anything.
471
00:17:00,587 --> 00:17:02,122
- What?
- Ridiculous.
472
00:17:02,155 --> 00:17:04,091
- Okay, guys, I know
it's not perfect--
473
00:17:04,124 --> 00:17:07,060
[indistinct shouting]
474
00:17:07,094 --> 00:17:08,495
- I'm feeling a sense--
475
00:17:12,565 --> 00:17:12,699
.
476
00:17:12,732 --> 00:17:13,566
[indistinct chatter]
- Wait, wait, wait.
477
00:17:14,834 --> 00:17:16,403
Hold up, hold up.
478
00:17:16,436 --> 00:17:18,438
So if I'm Platinum Select,
479
00:17:18,471 --> 00:17:20,540
does that mean that I get the
stuff in the Gryffindor tier?
480
00:17:20,573 --> 00:17:23,743
- No, no, if you want things
in the Gryffindor tier,
481
00:17:23,776 --> 00:17:26,613
you need to upgrade either
to the Platinum Ultra
482
00:17:26,646 --> 00:17:27,847
or the Platinum Blue.
483
00:17:27,880 --> 00:17:29,482
- Okay.
- I have a question.
484
00:17:29,516 --> 00:17:31,251
Who gave you the right
to play God?
485
00:17:31,284 --> 00:17:33,453
- All I said was the fund can't
pay for a live-in nurse.
486
00:17:33,486 --> 00:17:35,722
That doesn't mean I want
to let Jerry die.
487
00:17:35,755 --> 00:17:37,457
- Right, you're just not
willing to lift a finger
488
00:17:37,490 --> 00:17:39,092
to help him.
Understood loud and clear.
489
00:17:39,126 --> 00:17:41,094
Thanks Jonah.
- Okay, look, I get it
490
00:17:41,128 --> 00:17:43,596
up to Diamond Plus, but when
you get down to Wall of Fire,
491
00:17:43,630 --> 00:17:45,165
it's like, "What?"
492
00:17:45,198 --> 00:17:46,599
- Guys, we're making
it too difficult.
493
00:17:46,633 --> 00:17:48,101
We just got to simplify.
494
00:17:48,135 --> 00:17:50,170
Cover everything,
exclude no one,
495
00:17:50,203 --> 00:17:51,738
and make it affordable.
496
00:17:51,771 --> 00:17:53,573
- Come on.
- Why didn't we think of that.
497
00:17:53,606 --> 00:17:54,807
- Okay, okay.
498
00:17:54,841 --> 00:17:56,809
It seems to be the problem is
499
00:17:56,843 --> 00:17:58,545
that some of us are going to
use the fund more than others,
500
00:17:58,578 --> 00:17:59,812
but no one wants to put
in more money
501
00:17:59,846 --> 00:18:01,214
than they're going
to take out.
502
00:18:01,248 --> 00:18:02,515
- Yes, exactly.
Thank you.
503
00:18:02,549 --> 00:18:04,484
- So my suggestion would be,
504
00:18:04,517 --> 00:18:06,719
what if we restrict the fund
to those of us who are able
505
00:18:06,753 --> 00:18:08,455
to complete a series
of "Ninja Warrior" type
506
00:18:08,488 --> 00:18:09,789
physical challenges?
507
00:18:09,822 --> 00:18:11,824
- Mm, see, I was with you
for so long.
508
00:18:11,858 --> 00:18:13,626
- Okay, how about if you can
jump on a table then you're in.
509
00:18:13,660 --> 00:18:15,562
- No, we're not doing that.
- Works for me.
510
00:18:15,595 --> 00:18:17,564
- There's no way you can jump
on a table.
511
00:18:17,597 --> 00:18:18,865
- I can absolutely jump
on a table.
512
00:18:18,898 --> 00:18:20,633
- No one needs to jump
on a table.
513
00:18:20,667 --> 00:18:22,135
- I think this guy needs
to jump on a table.
514
00:18:22,169 --> 00:18:23,536
- Yeah, I think
if you can do it,
515
00:18:23,570 --> 00:18:24,871
I will totally sleep
with Marcus.
516
00:18:24,904 --> 00:18:26,773
- Wait, what?
- Isaac!
517
00:18:26,806 --> 00:18:28,741
[all chanting]
Isaac! Isaac!
518
00:18:28,775 --> 00:18:31,511
- No, it doesn't mean anything,
Isaac.
519
00:18:31,544 --> 00:18:34,514
Isaac! Isaac! Isaac!
520
00:18:34,547 --> 00:18:35,748
- Oh!
521
00:18:35,782 --> 00:18:36,849
- No, no.
522
00:18:36,883 --> 00:18:38,518
[shrieking]
523
00:18:38,551 --> 00:18:40,587
[glass shattering]
524
00:18:40,620 --> 00:18:42,655
[all gasping]
525
00:18:43,956 --> 00:18:45,625
- Are you sure you should be
526
00:18:45,658 --> 00:18:47,594
putting superglue
on an open wound?
527
00:18:47,627 --> 00:18:49,229
- Mm, yeah, probably.
528
00:18:49,262 --> 00:18:51,164
Bodies are weird.
529
00:18:51,198 --> 00:18:53,233
- Ah, hey.
530
00:18:53,266 --> 00:18:54,801
How about that jump, huh?
531
00:18:54,834 --> 00:18:56,569
- It was good.
- Yeah.
532
00:18:56,603 --> 00:18:58,738
Real high, buddy.
- All right.
533
00:18:58,771 --> 00:19:00,507
- [shrieks]
- Oh, no, no.
534
00:19:00,540 --> 00:19:02,209
- Oh, God.
- Shoot, I'm stuck.
535
00:19:03,810 --> 00:19:06,346
- Hey, dude, looks
like your lucky day.
536
00:19:06,379 --> 00:19:08,781
Probably like
a hundred bucks in there.
537
00:19:08,815 --> 00:19:10,250
- That is amazing
538
00:19:10,283 --> 00:19:12,552
that people are so generous.
539
00:19:12,585 --> 00:19:15,255
- Yeah, customers, employees,
everyone just pitched in.
540
00:19:15,288 --> 00:19:17,790
- I'm gonna buy
that faux Gucci messenger bag.
541
00:19:17,824 --> 00:19:19,659
- What about your ear?
542
00:19:19,692 --> 00:19:22,295
- Excuse you, my body,
my choice.
543
00:19:24,297 --> 00:19:27,734
["Could You Be Loved" playing]
* Could you be loved
544
00:19:27,767 --> 00:19:28,835
*
545
00:19:28,868 --> 00:19:31,538
* And be loved
546
00:19:31,571 --> 00:19:32,972
*
547
00:19:33,005 --> 00:19:35,808
* Now could you be loved
548
00:19:35,842 --> 00:19:38,211
- And here's to the health
fund,
549
00:19:38,245 --> 00:19:39,979
a total failure.
550
00:19:40,012 --> 00:19:43,283
- That was a
really bad idea you had.
551
00:19:43,316 --> 00:19:44,817
- What was your thing again?
552
00:19:44,851 --> 00:19:46,319
You were a seed?
553
00:19:46,353 --> 00:19:47,854
- I don't know.
It made sense at the time.
554
00:19:47,887 --> 00:19:49,689
It was like a--
- Did it?
555
00:19:49,722 --> 00:19:51,558
- Yes, it made perfect sense.
- Walk me through
556
00:19:51,591 --> 00:19:52,692
that metaphor.
- The seed--
557
00:19:52,725 --> 00:19:53,993
- Uh-huh.
- Then the...
558
00:19:54,026 --> 00:19:55,895
- It blooms.
- It doesn't matter.
559
00:19:55,928 --> 00:19:57,230
- So you were the seed--
- Who cares, it's in the past.
560
00:19:57,264 --> 00:19:58,565
Drink your beer.
- Hey.
561
00:19:58,598 --> 00:19:59,766
- Hey, guys, what're you doing?
562
00:19:59,799 --> 00:20:01,701
- Oh, you know, we're just...
563
00:20:01,734 --> 00:20:04,304
hiding out until everyone stops
being pissed at us.
564
00:20:04,337 --> 00:20:06,273
- Can I join you?
- Uh...
565
00:20:06,306 --> 00:20:07,907
Yes, of course.
566
00:20:07,940 --> 00:20:10,710
- Cool.
- Yeah.
567
00:20:10,743 --> 00:20:13,980
- There you are.
- Ah, thank you.
568
00:20:14,013 --> 00:20:16,616
[sighs]
This is nice.
569
00:20:16,649 --> 00:20:19,286
- Mm.
570
00:20:19,319 --> 00:20:22,221
- Cheers.
- Yahtzee.
571
00:20:24,357 --> 00:20:25,892
Hm.
572
00:20:25,925 --> 00:20:28,328
- My derm's taking forever
getting back to me.
573
00:20:28,361 --> 00:20:30,363
Such a power move.
[chuckles]
574
00:20:30,397 --> 00:20:31,864
Classic derm.
575
00:20:31,898 --> 00:20:33,866
- What if it is cancer?
576
00:20:33,900 --> 00:20:36,969
The Sturgis genes will die
with me.
577
00:20:37,003 --> 00:20:38,871
I never had kids.
578
00:20:38,905 --> 00:20:41,441
Well, I mean, I fostered,
but you know,
579
00:20:41,474 --> 00:20:43,443
none straight out
of the doodle.
580
00:20:43,476 --> 00:20:45,278
- Well, there's still time.
581
00:20:45,312 --> 00:20:47,347
Jerusha's still got
a few years left,
582
00:20:47,380 --> 00:20:49,048
and there's always science.
583
00:20:49,081 --> 00:20:51,017
In a few years we'll probably
all have pig organs.
584
00:20:51,050 --> 00:20:52,985
- Yeah, you're right.
585
00:20:53,019 --> 00:20:54,887
[cell phone dings]
- Oh.
586
00:20:54,921 --> 00:20:57,023
You're in the clear.
It's not melanoma.
587
00:20:58,791 --> 00:20:59,959
- Yeah.
588
00:20:59,992 --> 00:21:02,395
- Well, I should get back
to work.
589
00:21:03,996 --> 00:21:05,865
- Dina.
590
00:21:05,898 --> 00:21:07,467
Thank you.
591
00:21:07,500 --> 00:21:09,369
- You're welcome.
592
00:21:09,402 --> 00:21:11,070
Also...
593
00:21:11,103 --> 00:21:13,673
Never forget that I have this.
594
00:21:14,941 --> 00:21:18,745
[quirky music]
595
00:21:18,778 --> 00:21:20,947
- I'm gonna have a baby.
41603
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.