All language subtitles for Sex Appeal (2022)

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[crowd murmuring]

EMCEE:
Welcome to STEMCON...

[applause]

...the biggest science, technology,
engineering and mathematics competition

of the year.

Now, welcome to the stage
our reigning champion,

sure to dazzle us yet again,

Ms. Avery Hansen-White.

[cheering]

STUDENT: Go, Avery!

AVERY: I might not have been standing
naked in front of this audience,

but, trust me, this was
my absolute worst nightmare.

Let me back up a bit.

♪ upbeat music playing ♪

I thought I had it all figured out.

♪ I'm amazing! ♪

I had a record-breaking GPA,
an impeccable résumé,

and an early acceptance to MIT,

with a side of full ride.

♪ Who you lookin' at? ♪

I don't want to say I ruled the school,

but I ruled the school.

STUDENT: Whoa!

AVERY: And not because I cared about
fitting in with the popular crowd

or finding a hot date to prom.

Eff all that.

STEMCON was my prom.

Hello, girlfriends.

The national STEM competition
was the event of the year

and wining the senior year competition
is the holy grail.

You win a fellowship
that basically sets you up for life.

Everyone was rooting for me except...

Carlson.

- Hey, Avery.

AVERY: But she teaches sex ed,
which doesn't count.

STUDENT: Avery's here.

[indistinct conversation]

- Today is the day.
- Ooh!

- Ah, there she is.
- God, what a power couple.

Got a perfect score on his SAT.

- He is a perfect score.

And trust me, his brain is huge.

AVERY: Here it comes, here it is!

[computer beeps]

[rhythmic fanfare plays]

- Hey, hey, STEMMERS,
are you excited? I am.

Former STEMCON champ Nada Raj here,

coming at you
with this year's STEM challenge.

Now I know at this moment
you're all at the edge of your seats,

anxiously awaiting this year's prom,

so, without further ado, here it is.

Create an app...

- Oh, my God, it's your thing!

- ...that solves a problem
in your personal life.

- Oh, my God, you are so
gonna win STEMCON again.

MIT, Nobel Peace.

Look out, world,
here comes Avery Hansen-White!

So, you must have concepts
flooding your mind.

- Oh, yeah. No, they sure are.

- Like what? Like what?

NADA:
Here's a chance to prove your mettle

at the nation's greatest
science competition.

We'll see you and your
life-improving app in a month.

Get ready, get set...

make like an apple and STEM!

STUDENT: Avery?

[school bell ringing]

Hello?

So... what's the story?

- Oh, uh, STEMCON.
- Oh, they announced the challenge?

- Yeah. I basically have to create an app
to solve a problem in my personal life.

- Ooh, maybe you should start
by having one.

AVERY: Hmm.

This is Larson.

[blows raspberry]

We've been friends
basically our whole lives.

- I have a bootiful and powerful vagina.

This is my vulvar,
up dare is my cervakicks.

- [chuckles]
This is my pee-pee! Waaah!

AVERY: While he didn't share my passion
for scientific precision...

- I'm in the ocean!

AVERY: ... he was always game to be
the subject of my experiments.

While I was setting
the academic bar for our peers,

he was giving the assist.

I was breaking records
and publishing research...

- You did it!

- ...he was taking one for the team.

Until freshman year when
our experimenting came to a hard stop.

- Oh!

AVERY: We decided to retire
our scholarly partnership

and just be friends.

- Sorry.

- Cute.
- Shut up.

Some of us experience
attraction to other humans.

- Yeah, and for some of us,
attraction is sapiosexual.

- Wha...

- Intellectual.

- Right, like with your imaginary
science camp boyfriend?

- Yes. Casper does my brain
like no one else.

You know he speaks fluent Vulcan?

- Vulcan? Why not learn a useful language
like Latin or Chinese?

- What do you mean, Mandarin or Cantonese?

Doesn't matter, he actually speaks both.

And there's actually a petition
circulating to make Vulcan

the eighth romance language,
so knock it off.

- Are you taking him to prom?

- Prom? Are you kidding?

- No.

- Do you really think prom
is on my list of priorities?

- No. That's my point.

You never do any
of the regular high school stuff.

You need to have fun.

- Nailing life is fun for me, Larson.

- We're seniors, and you still have
never been to a school dance.

Now, we both know you don't
do things you're not great at,

which makes me think you can't dance.

- Oh, I could dance if I wanted to,

but it won't win me a Nobel Prize.

- Okay, so go to nerd prom with Casper
and go to fun prom with me.

- Go to prom with you. Oh, no.

- Come on.
Senior single scene is dire.

Everyone's all coupled up.

- Well, why don't you ask that cute girl
who melted your brain seconds ago?

- She didn't melt my brain.
Besides, I have zero ins.

You, you're my oldest friend.

And next year, you'll be far away.

It's the end of an era.

Let's do prom.

It's like a rite of passage.

- That's really sweet, Larson,

but if you wanna do prom, you should
ask someone who would enjoy it.

[scoffs]

Just more concerned with academic
milestones than superfluous ones.

[Larson scoffs]

- It's a rough one.

- Yeah.

[school bell rings]

AVERY: I had 33 days to create
an app for STEMCON.

I never had a shortage of ideas,
but I had already optimized my life

so there were no areas of weakness.

There was nothing to improve.

Give me global warming,
give me world hunger.

But a personal problem?

♪ ringtone playing ♪

- Hey.
- So, 33 days.

- Yeah. You, me, STEMCON.

- STEMCON nights.

- It's like we chose
the challenge ourselves.

- I cannot wait for you to see
what I've been working with.

You?

- Yeah. I, uh...

got some aces up my sleeve.

- I've got an ace in my pants.

- What?
- Uh, I'm...

I'm saying, uh,

we have a lot of experimenting to do.

- Oh. Should I organize a control group?

- Avery...

We've been dating for a while now.

I'm DTF.

Babe, down to fuck.

- Oh.

- Babe?

Babe, I think you froze.

- Uh...
- Is it me? What...?

- Uh...
- Babe?

You there?
Do we have a bad connection here?

What's going on?

- Oh, thank God.

It's not like I was scared of sex.

I was raised in a progressive family.

But I just was not prepared for this.
Let me explain.

WOMAN 1: How are you feeling?
WOMAN 2: Yes, how are you feeling?

WOMAN 1: Name your feelings by name.

Do you understand what's going on?

- These are my moms.

Mama Suze is a steadfast lesbo,

and Ma Deb is an artist,

renowned for vulvic art that would
make Georgia O'Keeffe blush.

- We still love you.

- So much.

- And that's Kim, my bonus mom.

She doesn't do labels,
but she does do Ma Deb.

- And you can live with whoever you want.

- I'm going to split my time 50-50
so as to reduce the burden on all.

- Ohh!

AVERY:
I have no shortage of maternal support,

but they weren't exactly the ones
to turn to for advice on sex with men.

- Don't you think you'll feel better
if you just tell me?

- No, 'cause you'll just tell Ma Deb.

- Would you prefer I guess?

- [scoffs] Yeah. Good luck there.

- You and Casper are ready to have sex.

- How did you know?

- A mother always knows.

Hulu recommended 40-Year-Old Virgin
and Wet Hot American Summer.

- Damn algorithms.

- Listen, you shouldn't feel pressured
to do this if you don't want to.

- Okay, I know that,

but... I want to.

- Okay.

What have you two explored so far?

Kissing?

Probably kissing.

But like anywhere...

other than the mouth?

- Oh.

Um...

No, but I haven't seen him
since last year's STEM, so...

- Okay.

- God, I can't be bad at this.

- This is not the time
to be a perfectionist.

Sex is supposed to be messy.

It's fun.
- Oh, my God.

I'm gonna blow.

- You blow whatever
you're comfortable with.

Head, shoulders... knees and toes.

- I can blow his mind.
- Mm-hmm.

- I mean, we have
these braingasms together.

- [softly] Braingasms.

I'm gonna call Dr. Dwight

to make an appointment
to talk about birth control.

- I'm not even having sex.
- But you're thinking about it.

- No, you're thinking about it.

- Oh, okay...

[door closes]

[line ringing]

She's on the move.

♪ energetic music playing ♪

[murmuring to self]

- Oh, Jesus!
- We got a lot of options.

- Yes.
- Ribbed, lubed, flavored.

[laughs] Piña colada.

Such a complex flavor. Delicious.

[gulps]

- Tastes like sunscreen.

- You don't have to do
anything you don't wanna do.

- Can we not do this?

- We just want you to remember that
your body is perfect the way that it is,

especially your labia.

As far as I remember.

- She's just worried
you'll start judging your body

the second you're in the presence
of a naked man.

- Uh, the damage is already done.

I've been comparing my hoo-ha

to the country's top-rated snatch
for the last decade.

- We do not use that word
in this house, young lady.

- Take back the snatch.
No snatch talk, Ave.

- It's "hoo-ha" she knows I can't stand.

- Hoo-ha.
- Words like that promote vagina shame.

- Mm, ashamed of my lady parts?

- Hmm-mm.
- My cookie? My wittle kitty?

- Stop it right now.
- My hot dog bun?

My sprinkler?
- Pink taco.

- Wrong team, Kim.
- That's right.

- You guys have no idea what it's like
to lose your virginity.

- Yes, we do.
- Sure, we do.

- How? How would you define
when exactly that happened?

Because if someone finger-bangs me,
that's a measly second base.

- Only second?
[Avery groans]

[scoffs] Not the way I do it.

[door slams]
- Hmm, touchdown.

- No sports.

AVERY: How was I supposed to get
great at sex by STEMCON?

The thing is, Larson was right.

I don't do things I'm not great at.

I just have to master it,
like everything else in my life.

Avery Hansen-White can do
anything she puts her mind to.

♪

[softly] "Get good at sex."

That's it.

Utilizing AI, I could create an algorithm
that would take the data

and prescribe steps
for a successful sexual experience.

I... I'd have my app and be prepared
for STEM night with Casper.

This was a win-win.

My app would have a dictation feature,

so I programmed the AI
to sound like the sexiest of voices.

SPOCK-LIKE VOICE: Greetings.
Dictation feature is ready.

AVERY: Spock, of course.

I trained Spock to scan
all corners of the Web

for information regarding sex.

Spock, how does one have good sex?

SPOCK: Based on current data,
good sex is achieved by

butt plug, choking, stepmom, dick out...

- Ow!
SPOCK: ...naughty gorilla,

squirting, yoga pants--

AVERY:
I needed to refine the search.

What better resource to turn to

than the collective
high-school wisdom of the ages?

MAN: Like this!
[audience laughing, gasping]

- So this is what people watch.

SPOCK: Based on available data,
good sex is achieved by boobs, flashing...

MAMA SUZE: Everything okay in there?
- What? No, everything's fine.

SPOCK: ...boobs, kegger, pie...

AVERY: Apparently Hollywood
was not the best source either.

I hated to do it,
but I have to revisit sex ed.

- Mycoplasma, genitaliums,
the new chlamydia.

May I help you, Ms. Hansen-White?

- I'm collecting sources in preparation
for losing my virginity.

- Oh.

SPOCK: G-spot, premarital sex,
burn in hell...

- I know it's not in the manual,

but I could use a little tutorial
on the mechanics of the clitoris.

- I cannot tell you
how to pleasure yourself.

Ask your parents.
You have three months.

AVERY:
Clearly sex ed wasn't the answer.

I was back to the drawing board.

What would I tell Casper?
[phone buzzing]

I had made no progress.

Research was consuming my life.

The rest of my studies
were starting to slip.

I know you're new here,
so perhaps you didn't find value

in my argument that Romeo and Juliet
had total control over their tragic fate

and rather chose to weaken themselves
to adolescent impulse.

SPOCK: Booty, butt cheeks...

- Logic is the beginning of wisdom,
not the end.

- Yeah, I...

get that you were quoting Spock.

SPOCK: Slap my ass!

- And it's clear that you
understood the text,

but you missed that fundamental thing.

They were in love.

[scoffs]

Avery, I'm sorry, the grade stands.

[school bell rings]
- I don't have time for this right now.

But this isn't over.

♪ ringtone playing ♪

- Good morning.

[Avery groans]

[laughs] Wanna start
by naming your feelings?

- It's like my brain just froze
and now I can't even talk to him.

You know, like he just wants
to Google hang,

and all I can think about is,
what does his penis look like?

- Totally normal.

I mean, normal to think that.

[laughs] I don't know
if his penis is normal.

You know what, how about a book?

I might have a copy
of Fifty Shades of Grey.

- Eww. They should have called it
Fifty Shades of Grammatical Error.

The books are moot, trust me.

Which is why I fed my AI
all these teen sex comedies,

but those are all just like
these horny boys humping pie or...

- How about a Molly Ringwald flick?

Hmm, Ma Deb had a thing
for her, let me tell you.

I had this red wig and--
- Please don't.

- Okay.
- No. All of her movies end at the kiss.

Movies talk to girls
about falling in love,

not having sex.

How do I get an accurate representation
of the actual experience?

- Well, why not ask
your friends for advice?

- Hmm, Ms. Russell doesn't know
anything about boys.

- Okay, I meant your fellow students.

- You know, I knew you
wouldn't be any help.

I should be collecting data
from my fellow students.

- Well, I'm glad I couldn't help.
[school bell rings]

AVERY: Prompted by absolutely
nothing Mama Suze said,

I decided the best course of action

was to crowd-source
the necessary intel from my peers.

- Do you consent to the recording
of this conversation for the purpose
of data collection?

- Um... sure, why not?

- You see, chicks like
their asses slapped.

And if they're making lots of noise,
you know they're super into it.

- The louder they are,
the more they want it.

- Um, I haven't had sex yet.

- But cheerleaders are the most
sexually exploited of all the sports,

and therefore the most common object
of pursuit for your male classmates.

How are you not getting laid all the time?

- I'm not discussing anything
of a sexual nature,

but by saying the word "sexual" just now,
I did not mean to imply anything sexual.

- Sex just isn't a priority for me.

- Is that like code for "super Christian"?

- No, and despite what you've seen on TV,
we're not ruled by our libidos.

- Now my fave go-to is the titty fuck.

- Oh!

- Squeeze 'em together... pow, pow, pow.
- Yes!

- So, have either of you ever
so much as kissed a girl?

- I'm working on it.

- You're an exquisite physical specimen.

How are you not putting
those moves to good use?

- Because I'm not Danica McCallum.

- I'm saving myself for Danica.

- Yeah, babe, you know
what the fuck is going on!

- [straining] Why don't you just
talk to Danica?

- Danica, Danica, Danica! Oh, Danica!

AVERY:
Who was this mysterious sex goddess?

♪ dramatic music playing ♪

Danica...

Effin...

McCallum.

♪ They call me Miss Independence... ♪

- Jared, you're supposed to come
from stage left, you dumb fuck.

AVERY: If I was Frodo,
Danica was to be my Gandalf.

- I've come.

- Yeah, that's definitely
the vibe you put out there.

She was a mecca of sexual knowledge.

She'd been with several types of guys
of every religious background.

She'd seen so much cock,

she actually had a preference
on length and girth.

- I like a solid 5-and-a-half inches with
4-and-one-quarter centimeters in diameter.

That's about half a centimeter
larger than my vaginal canal

so there's, like,
the right amount of pressure.

What are you working with, like, 4 to 5?

- I don't know.

- Well, you gotta know.
Report back with measurements.

Now let's talk Kegels.

Okay, pretend like you're peeing
and you wanna stop that pee.

So clench.

Not your face but the cooch.

It's not supposed to hurt. Breathe.

Hold. Relax the face.

Clench the cooter.

And... release.

[exhales softly]

Yeah, you gotta keep that shit tight

or you're gonna need
a big dick for the rest of your life.

And trust me, those are hard to come by.

- Wow.

- Have you selected a fuck buddy yet?

- Excuse me?
- Somebody to practice fuck.

- Oh, no, I have a boyfriend.

- This is for his benefit too.

Look into it. This kind of
arrangement's quite equitable.

[exhales]

♪

- ...data and...

Spock, how does one have good sex?

SPOCK: Based on current data,
good sex is achieved by

Kegels, titty fuck,

giving Danica McCallum a blow job.

♪

- Hey, Spock, uh...

what are the moral stances
on using a practice partner

to enhance the experience
for the actual partner?

SPOCK: Fuck nuts. Toilet face.

- ♪ ...all I did is cry ♪

♪ And I just can't take it no more ♪

- ♪ What are you waiting for? ♪
[Larson sighs]

♪ Just wanna try... ♪

LARSON: [softly]
Like your guitar. Is that yours?

Yes, of course it's hers.
Is that original?

- Hey, Larson! Hey!

I need you to come over to my house and
hook up with me every day after school.

[student gasps]

- What?
- Yeah.

You, me, sex stuff.
Are you in or are you out?

- O... kay.

- Yes, no? I'm... What are we...?

- What are you talking about?

- Oh, I'm gonna see Casper at STEMCON,

which is at a hotel where we're
going to be staying in hotel rooms,

and he's gonna wanna do sex stuff,

and, you know, I've never done it
and I don't want to embarrass myself,

so, I need someone to practice with
in a safe and exploratory environment,

and since you and I have a history
of experimentation

and scientific rapport, I chose you.

- Ah! Thank you.

- Yeah, you're welcome.

Where are you...
Where are you going?

Could you slow down, please?

Okay, these are the things I need
to try and/or get better at.

Kissing, fondling, hand jobs,
blow jobs, fingering.

I wrote "butt stuff"
but then I crossed that out,

dry humping and, hey,
that sounds like...

- Whoa, whoa, hey, slow down!

Seriously?

You fired me when I even got
remotely close to you.

- Oh! You Afterschool Special' d me.

- I was 14 and I was trying to kiss you.

- By groping me!

- I grazed your boob, it's a move,

one I admit I executed poorly,
but I was nervous.

It was my first almost kiss

and you friend zone'd the shit out of me.

So hard! You sent me to friend jail.

- Well, I'm letting you out on parole

if you return to your position
as my test subject in this venture.

- How is this not cheating
on your boyfriend?

- No, I looked into it.

This arrangement,
it's actually quite common.

And let's be real,
how can I be exclusive

with someone I've never
done anything with?

So as long as we don't have sex
and there's no intimate feelings,

it's fair play.

- Technically it's foreplay.

- That's bad.
- Yeah.

So?

- I can't sexualize you.

I respect you too much for your brain,

for your independence, for...

My God.
- Oh.

- Hmm?
STUDENT: Look away, look away.

- So are you in?
- I can't believe you just did that.

- Well, it proved to be an effective
cinematic tactic across genres.

- [sighs] It's definitely tempting.

But, I-I... no.

Cute girl looked at me today.

I'm 90% sure.

I'm laying track to ask her
to prom right now,

and I really can't have anything
throwing a wrench in that plan.

- Au contraire,
I'm offering you the multitool.

Countless features
and mutually beneficial.

I mean, if cute girl
ever fully looks at you,

you wanna be ready on prom night, right?

- Please don't blow this for me.

- Technically I'll be blowing you.
- Avery!

- Okay, your house, tomorrow, 3 p. m.

Study that.

[school bell rings]

- Why is "butt stuff"
before "dry humping"?

- You know, so we'll follow the same
protocol as all our other experiments.

And all the data will go straight
into the development of the AI,

which I'll use to conceptualize my app,

and then I've secured
my presentation for the challenge

and prepared myself for STEM night,

which, mind you, is in just 23 days.

Questions?
- You sure you want to do this?

For Casper?

- For me.

I may be a genius, but I imagine

I'll enjoy sex as much as
any other young adult.

- Okay then.

Yeah, you seem to have mapped this
all out quite thoroughly.

- Obviously.

So, our objective is
to master sexual excellence

by putting research
and physical skill into practice.

- How?

- Crowd sourcing
and simulating that information.

- Cool. So I'm a simulator.

Do I come with VR
or time travel capabilities?

- Simulation can involve real people.

- So I'm glad I'm a real person
as opposed to a non-real person.

Are you a real person?
- Of course.

Just with an advanced operating system.

- I have a hypothesis for our experiment.

- Hmm.
- Love is what makes a good lover.

- Oh, well, I can already disprove that.

[scoffs] Love and sex
are entirely different entities.

- You don't think that love leads
to sex and vice versa?

- Love is a choice.
- Right.

- Right. Right.
- Right?

- Right.
- Right.

- So... first on the list. Kissing.

Although perhaps
it should have been fondling.

No. No, kissing. Kissing, right?

- Okay, all right, I gotcha.
- That's right.

- How's this to start, is this good?

- Oh.

Yeah, okay, good.

Now kiss me.

- You gonna sock me in the nuts?

- I have a good reflex.
- Well, I need my nuts to work.

- Why would your nuts need
to work for kissing?

- Never mind.

On three, I'm going
to lean in and kiss you, okay?

- Okay.
Here we go.

[clears throat]

One, two, three.

Hmm. Turns out I'm a leftie.

- Ah, yeah? All right.

- Not bad.

Okay. Tongue.

- Sure.
- Cool.

I'd like to scrape it first.
- [groans]

Dead cells can get trapped
in the enlarged papillae.

- Avery.
- It's gross. What?

- How about some music? Hmm?

- Sure.

[Larson clears throat]

♪ funky '70s music playing ♪

- What is this?

- You don't like it?

- No. It's not working for me.

- Yep, yes.

♪ ...from his lips as he tells me
he can't get enough... ♪

- It's a little vampire love triangle,
isn't it?

- Hmm, next.
- Yeah. It's not gonna...

♪ Burl Ives singing
What Child is This? ♪

- Larson, what is this?

- In band, we play this
for the holiday concert.

It's got a killer brass arrangement,
just wait for it.

[horns blowing]

- Forget it, it's fine, this is great.
It'll do.

- Yeah, yeah, okay, all right. Yeah.

Okay.

[clears throat]
- Yeah.

[Larson clears throat]

BURL IVES:
♪ On Mary's lap is sleeping ♪

♪ Whom angels greet ♪

♪ With anthems sweet... ♪

- Hmm! Hmm-mm.

Ow, my arm.
- Oh.

- Sorry, my arm is a little stuck. Um...
- Sorry, sorry, yeah. Ah.

Sorry, maybe we should...
Maybe, uh...

Maybe we just lie here for a sec.

- Yeah. [clears throat]

[Larson clears throat]

- [laughs] My building plan
for Fort Larson.

LARSON: Oh, yeah.
Brilliant engineering on your part.

AVERY: Epic construction on yours.

- We made a good team.

- Well, we had symbiosis.

You're, uh... you're like
the Egyptian plover to my crocodile.

- What's a plover?

- Oh, it's like nature's dental assistant.

It literally survives off the rot
it picks out of a crocodile's teeth.

- What?

Why am I a mouth stank-eating bird
instead of the crocodile?

- Look, you're a bad-ass bird that lives
in the mouth of a Nile croc

while simultaneously relieving tooth pain.

Symbiosis.

It's a... it's a win-win.

- Yep. It's delicious.

- Fine. You're the crocodile.

- No, no, you're the crocodile.

Saw that swamp tongue of yours.

- Grab a boob.

- Huh?
- Yeah, yeah, go ahead.

Grab a boob.

- Ah, wha... which one?

- Just do it before I change my mind.

Hmm? That's not bad.

Um...

maybe your hand goes under my shirt?

- Y-You sure?

- Why not?

I mean, we've already...
dipped our feet in the pool.

LARSON: Okay.

[Avery giggling]

- Tickles.

Nice.

Um...

Maybe...

your head...

- Goes underwater?

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

[Avery giggling]

This is crazy.

♪ playful orchestral music playing ♪

- Do you like that?

- Mm-hmm.

- What about this?

[zipper unzips]
- Whoa!

What are you doing?

- Sorry, y-you said that...

- Oh, yeah. No, no, no, sure.
Um, but...

I forgot, I have, uh, homework to do.

- Sorry, I... really, I just...
- No.

You're fine. Just...

- No, with everything we talked about,
I wanted to make sure that...

- No, no, no, it's all good, all good.
Not that.

- Okay, as long as you feel--
- Okay, yep. Bye.

[Larson sighs]

♪ upbeat music playing ♪

AVERY:
It was just like our other experiments,

so why did this somehow seem different?

Hmm.

Trial one, kissing,
and trial two, fondling,

were both successful entrées
into foreplay,

but trial three would first require
extensive intel

on assorted dick stuff.

So, what's your penis like?

- Real thick.
- Long Dong Silver.

- No, uh, what does it like?

- A blow job. A blow job.

'Cause you can't pull that off yourself.
I've tried.

- Icy hot. [snarls]

- To be spoken to like a sad little boy
who accidentally ruined Christmas.

AVERY: What?
- The fuck?

- What?

- If you wanna become
a dick-sucking artist...

- You've gotta have
a strong hold on the base.

- This part, sensitive.

- A penis Picockso,
a Bonet, a Frida Cocklo.

- Then with the other hand,

you come up gently over the top.

- It's all about the tip.

- This is where it gets good.
[splatters]

Voilà!
- Pfft! Eww!

- No guy is splooging in my mouth.

Or on my face.

- Oh, that's hot.

- Why are we expected to act
like a dude's sperm

is some sugary sweet nectar
from the gods?

There's a reason they call it junk.

- It's not junk, it's something
my body works hard to produce.

- Thoughts on cradling?

- I do not consent to this conversation.

- Hey, let's say I successfully
perform oral to the point of ejaculation.

Am I expected to swallow the discharge?

- Okay.
[door clatters]

[school bell rings]

AVERY:
The more the data kept pointing to it,

the more I couldn't stop
thinking about "it."

I was seeing them everywhere.

[whistling]

[straining]

- These things are so hard to get off.

- I'm exploring a new series.

- This is my laughing clown nightmare.

With dicks.

- Oh, Deb's just trying
to desensitize you.

- And she's the perfect source, too,
because she's never been with a man.

- The gold star is a badge I proudly wear.

- Okay, there's a diversity of options.

You've got your lefties, your righties,
your straight shooters, your curvatures,

and there are some
really veiny ones out there, Avery,

just... keep that in mind.

- Are you some secret dick wizard, Kim?

- I saw a few in college.

Terrifying skin pickles, but you gotta
try things to know what you want.

Or don't want.

- Cool. I'll just be at Hometown Buffet
sampling the local beef.

- Okay, just remember, no matter the size,
it's the biggest you've ever seen.

- Oh, the fragile male ego.

Women don't measure
the size of their pussy.

- Mine's 4.3 inches deep.

- Period, that was a breeze.

The losing the virginity,
this is what we've been training for.

[line ringing]

- Back to you!
- Yay!

MAMA SUZE: Got it.

AVERY: Dicks.

[gasps] Oh, my God.
What are you watching?

WOMAN ON TV: Ride 'em, cowboy!
- Oh, it's just... it was just on TV.

- Uh, that's not TV, that's porn.

- Now, how come a penis on screen
is considered porn,

but breasts aren't?

- Interesting.
Well, I don't know.

Maybe 'cause breasts aren't
ramming some chick in the ass.

- Language.

- This has Ma Deb written all over it.

- I told her this was a bit much.

- This is why I can't
tell you guys anything.

- You are right, this is, yecch!

Actually, I don't...
I really don't like this kind of porn.

I prefer a little softer.

Mostly cuddling.

And sharing feelings.

Actually, I think I just like
documentaries.

- Do not condone this.
- Mm-hmm.

- Learning how to have sex
by watching porn

is like learning how to drive
by watching Fast and the Furious.

♪ energetic music playing ♪

Okay, look, I just need to touch it.
I gotta get it over with.

- Jesus.
- Whip it out.

- Easy!

He's shy, he needs a little pep talk
before he comes out of the dressing room.

- Oh, mm-hmm, okay.

This is your moment to step
into your light and share your talent.

The world is ready for you to shine.

- Avery, maybe try with your hand?

- Yeah. Okay.

Oh. Hey. Oh!

Oh, it jumped.

- Yeah...
- Uh...

[zipper unzips]
Hey there.

Just kind of popped out
to say hello, huh?

Aww!
- No, don't "aww," you can't do that.

- Oh, no, it's nice.

And, you know, kind of sweet.

Like an enoki.

You know, the mushrooms.

Oh, no.

Oh, no, no, no, no.
It's going down.

- Yeah.
- Uh, the show is not over.

Rise for your encore.

- Oh, my God, I can't
believe that's working.

Uh, maybe a little louder
and a little closer.

AVERY: All right, buddy, you've got this.
I believe in you.

Are you ready?
- I was born ready.

- Ready.

How's that?

- Oh, actually, a little less pressure.

[monitor beeping]
- Copy.

- Uh... less pressure.

LARSON: Yes.

Oh, yeah.

Oh!

It's working!

- Your pulse is racing.
- Oh, yeah, yeah.

That's normal.

Ah, yeah.

- Hey, is everything okay?

- Everything's great, really great!

Oh! Whoa!

Heads up for...
- Takeoff?

- Yep!

Whoa!

[straining]

Oh! Oh!

Stay on course!

[straining]

It's happening!

Whoa!
- Ahh!

LARSON: Yeahhhhhh...
- [deep, slow voice] Oh, shit!

- Avery?

- Yeah?

- Thanks.

- Hmm. Mm-hmm.

- Do you want me to return the favor?

- Uh...

Yeah.

Okay.

- Okay.

So, what do you like?

- Uh...

You know what, actually, I think we can
call today's experiment a success.

Uh, we've hit a very important part
in the engineering process

in which one assesses the data,

and so I'll go analyze that
and get back to you.

- Wait, wait, where are you going?
I thought I was going to return the favor.

- Why? We achieved foreplay.

- Yeah, for me.

But getting a guy off
isn't rocket science.

It's only a successful mission
if we both enjoy it.

- I had a great time.

- No, I mean, I want to get you off too.

I mean, that's sort of how you know
it went well, if we both do, right?

- That's really sweet.

- Avery!

AVERY:
Larson knew what he liked, but I didn't.

How could I create
an app that provides users

with steps to take to achieve good sex
if I didn't even know what I liked?

A critical gap in my data.

With STEMCON around the corner,
I needed to consult

the ultimate expert in teen sexuality.

[computer chirping]

- So... you've never touched yourself.

What about when you wipe?

- I'm not doing it with my bare hand.

- Dude, are you fucking serious?

Did you measure?

- It wasn't for pleasure.

- Mid force?
- Roughly.

- Okay, good.
Have you ever heard of a dildo?

AVERY:
Have I heard of a dildo?

♪ funky music playing ♪

MAMA SUZE: Avery!

Debra, have you seen my magic wand?

BOTH: More than meets the eye!

- Eye!
MAMA SUZE: God dang it, Avery!

- I have a fundamental bias
against vibrators.

I would just want to be able
to operate my own machinery.

- Every captain should know how
to steer her own ship.

Hot tip.

When testing the waters,
Jacuzzi jets are the way to go.

Just do some exploring.

- I'm like the Voyager.

- You can't work in a vacuum.

This is gonna require
physical and mental stimulation.

- It's like how Wonder Woman
was given all this training,

but it wasn't until she was able
to channel her mental power

into her physical abilities that she
was able to defeat her opponents.

- Uh... yeah, sure.

I'm just saying like...

try to picture your object of desire.

- Right.

DANICA: Could I offer a suggestion?

Coconut oil.

- Mama Suze cooks with that.

- It's all natural, moisturizing,
a delightful lubricant.

Avery...

go home and do some finger painting.

- Okay.

[sighing]

♪ ringtone playing ♪
Oh, no, no.

- Well, hello.
- Shit.

- Con's coming up, I can't wait.
- Hey.

- Your response time suggests that
your fingers are equally excited

to explore our respective functionality.

What presentation group
were you assigned to?

- Uh, day two, morning group.

- Ooh, strong open.

I'm day one, late show.

Want a preview?

- Oh, wouldn't you rather
just relish in anticipation?

- Genius. Can't wait to see
yours in two weeks.

- Mm, yep, me too.

♪ energetic music playing ♪

Ooh!

[sighing]

Uncharted waters.

♪ pop orchestra playing '50s ballad ♪

♪

- Why, hello there, Avery.

I just finished my research paper
on toxic algae bloom,

and it's getting awfully hot in here.

- Ooh!

♪ Avery, baby ♪

♪ You're driving me crazy ♪

♪ My soul innovator ♪

♪ Our love calculator ♪

♪ Says you plus me ♪

♪ Equals mad sexy ♪

[straining]

♪ Ooh-ooh... ♪

[toilet flushes]

[pipes whining]

- Oh! It burns!
Oh, it burns, burns, burns!

Flush warning next time!

MAMA SUZE: Sorry.

[gasping]
[phone buzzing]

[clears throat]

- 'Sup?
- Nothing. I'm behind on my presentation.

STEMCON's around the corner,
and I still haven't figured out

the algorithm to provide
a successful outcome.

- Yeah, thought that was
why you were coming over,

so you could get all that data?

- Yeah, well, I'm blocked, so it's moot.

- Hey, what happened to all that
symbiosis we had going on?

Open up that croc trap of yours
and let me peck around.

- So you admit you're the plover.

- If it's working.

- Hmm. Nothing's working.

- Maybe you're too in your head.

- Where else would I be?

- No, I mean, maybe
you're thinking too much

about something that should
happen more naturally.

- I don't know, I mean, maybe...
talk me through what you do?

How do you get there?

- Are you suggesting we have phone sex?

- Am I?

Should we?

Do you know how?

- Maybe. I... I think I'm supposed to say
a bunch of stuff to turn you on.

- Okay.

Go!
- Uh...

Jeez, uh...

Uh, how's, uh...

[speaking Vulcan language]

- Wait, Vulcan?

Larson, no way.

[laughs]

Very impressed.

- Yeah.

Th-There was an online tutorial.
- Yeah, it's impressive.

But, uh... ineffective.

- Are you judging yourself?

- Oh, right.

Okay, hang on.

- Ah.

- Okay, continue.

[speaking Vulcan]

...sexy.

- Nothin'.

God, what am I doing wrong?

- No, maybe it's my Vulcan.

I should just recite the periodic table.

- Ha, ha.

- Or name an element after you.

- Wait...
Say that again?

- There should be an element
on the periodic table named after you?

Uh, a never-before-seen metal.

Avery Namium.

- Well, there... there was a tingle.

Keep going.
- Th-This new element...

uh, you found it on your voyage to Mars.

- I went to Mars?
- After you graduated from MIT.

- Summa cum laude?

- Oh, yeah, and you got this grant.

- I got a research grant? Yeah.
- Yeah. Yeah.

So they sent you to Mars, and because
of this whole new element thing,

the capital of Mars is now Averyopolis.

- Yeah?
- Yeah. A thriving new colony.

And you're their leader,
and it's a super chill place

so no surprise, you were awarded
a Nobel Peace Prize.

- Oh, my God!
- Yeah.

- Oh, my God, oh, yeah.
Yeah, this is working.

- Are you there?
- Oh, almost there.

- Y-You'll win STEMCON, STEM awards.

[sighs]

[gasps] Oh, fuck!

Oh, God, oh, no.

Okay, I'm losing it, I'm losing it.
- Avery? You there?

- Yeah.

Yeah, no, it's, that's gone.

Mm.

[sighs]

STEM night was a week away

and I had yet to crack the code
for my night with Casper, or my app.

All right, people.
Insights on female pleasure. Go.

- I just want to point out that if I ever
said anything like that to you,

I'd be so canceled.

- Okay, clearly, since I'm the only one
here who's actually been with a girl,

I'll take this one.

Tell your partner to enjoy you
like an ice cream cone that's melting.

Catch every last drop.

- Maybe he doesn't do dairy.

- Hmm. Okay, does he like
to do the crossword?

- Be surprised if he didn't,
everyone does.

- Have him fill out the boxes
with a pointy tongue going across

and a flat one going down.

- Ah, la-la-la-la-la-la!
- Oh, my God, Troy!

I'm like destroying this equation
up here and you're missing it.

Just be less, 'kay?

Okay, we're going to put that
over a negative three...

- All right. Other techniques?

- Tactics?

Frank?

- There's a common misconception
that most women climax
from penetrative sex,

but statistics show
that 75% of women

can't achieve orgasm
from penetration alone.

Stimulating the clitoris
and other erogenous zones is key.

- Damn.

- And how does one locate said e-zones?

- My cousin said that it's best to think
of your body like a game of Twister

and eventually you'll find the spot.

- Avery, look at me.
Your body is a Costco, okay?

You're trying
all these different samples, right?

You're trying all these different samples.
Oop! Uh-oh. You found the one.

- Okay, but where
are the sample booths located?

- Avery, I cannot tell you everything.
Jesus.

- If I may, the G depends
largely on the individual,

but there are a certain number
of other erogenous zones

that occur across genders
and sexual preferences,

including toes, neck, ear, butt,
behind the knees, elbows.

The partner-pleasure approaches.

The rock-and-roll, the surf's up,
the double-action revolver,

the Spock, the reverse Spock,
the devil's advocate.

I'll email you a list later.
- Damn!

- Oh, no, no.

- Why does pleasing women
gotta be so complicated?

- I can orgasm.

Right here, right now.

- If I did that, I'd be suspended.

I would be suspended!

- Oh, my God, Troy, you so will be.
Okay, just take it down or take it out.

- Uh, Ms. Russell?
- Yeah, baby.

- Hi, mama. Uh...

Let's say Avery needs to solve for C.

- Ooh, participation! Yes!
[snaps fingers]

- But doesn't Avery also need
to solve for G?

Isn't G the super proof?

- But to solve for C and G,

should she maybe also solve for A too?

- Ooh!
- Whoa, whoa!

- Excuse me, some of us
like to solve for A.

- Oh, for sure, A is great, guys.

- I love you, Ms. Russell.
Everyone loves a pinkie.

Everybody.
- What about B squared?

- Oh, my God, loves B squared,

but we save that for our boy quadratic

when B squared is on top of 2A.

- Yeah, she is!

- You know, I do really love
the triangle angle sum theorem,

because we get
the all-powerful isosceles.

- Mm, preach!

- Ooh!
MS. RUSSELL: Avery.

- Let's say movement occurs
at the intersection of the angles.

How would we solve for G?

- We're talking magnitude, huh? Okay.

We're going to need a vector that
starts at D and goes deep into G.

- Yeah, we do.

- Now, it doesn't matter how big
this vector is or how long,

what matters is the angle, okay?

MARLA: The angle!

- Marla? You good there, boo?
STUDENT: She's really doing it.

MARLA: Yes, yes...

Yes!

Yes!

Yes!

- [device beeps]
SPOCK: You have sufficient data
to achieve orgasm.

- [gasps] Yes!

- They grow up so fast.
- I know. Go get 'em, girl.

MS. RUSSELL: ...take the test next week.
- [bell ringing]

- Ooh!

- Oh, shit, sorry. Sorry about that.
- Oh, you're all good.

These, uh, blank corners
will get you every time.

- What? Oh, yeah. Yeah.

- Um, you play the trombone, right?

We have band together?
- Uh-huh.

- I thought so. Um... I'm...
- Hey!

Larson.

Uh, we have that, um...

paper?

- Yeah, um, sorry.

Uh, I'll see you in band. There you go.

- Okay, thank you.
- Yeah, bye.

- Hey, I--
- No.

- I can't believe I didn't figure it out,
you know.

It's the chemistry plus the geometry.

You solve for G,
you trigger a dopamine receptor

so then the dopamine floods your body
in chemical ecstasy.

Marla can do it. She did it in class.
You should have seen it.

But I'm not that skilled.

- That's okay, I think I get
what you're saying.

But you know how it's always more
satisfying if someone else rubs your feet?

- Okay, great.

Rub my proverbial feet.

- Here we go.

- Godspeed.

♪ Like yeah, we so amazin'
yeah, we do it like that ♪

- Am I in the right place?
- Yep. Keep going.

- Oh, my God! [voice echoing]

♪ Like yeah, yeah, we the greatest... ♪

- This good?

Do you feel that?
- Oh, this is great.

- That's nice.

- Go a little to the left.

- My left?
- My left.

Oh, no, sorry, sorry.
Your left. [laughs]

- Oh, wait.

[sighs] I'm learning a lot of things.

Like this? Like that?

AVERY: Faster, yeah.

[both laughing]
Yeah... yeah!

What... What was that?

- This spot's speaking to me,
is it speaking to you?

- Yeah, no, move.
- Whoa!

- Wait a minute, where are you going?
- It's a lot to take in, you know?

Wow... [voice echoing] Wow!

Am I close?
- Oh, you sure are.

- Whoa! Think I found it.

You like that?

- Oh, I like what you're doing down there.

- Yeah?

Should I keep going?
- Don't stop.

- This feel good? Trying to get in.

- Go faster.
[door rattling]

- Oh, yeah, looks like
we're getting close.

Something's happening.
Oh, something's definitely happening.

- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Should I?
- Yeah. Yeah, yeah, go, go, go.

Oh!

♪ epic orchestral music playing ♪

Ooh! [laughing]

[sighing]

Wow!

[giggles]

- How was that?

- Wow! [laughs]

Sex Appeal.

- Hmm?

- That's what I'm gonna name my app.

- Oh. Great.

Yeah, yeah, just sometimes you have
to take your head off of something.

- Yeah, or keep it down.

[laughing]

One in three women have trouble
reaching orgasm while having sex.

29% of women ages 16 to 17
are actually having sex,

which meant that
without even having sex,

I was already in the top third

of the third who reached
sexual achievement.

My first orgasm.

I'd finally become a woman.

- You good?

- Yeah, real good.

Thanks, buddy.

- You bet.

Buddy.

- Larson?

- Yeah.

- So, when you have sex,
is it like this, just more involved?

- I haven't had sex.

- But you've had girlfriends.

Girls like you.

- But that doesn't mean I've had sex.

I... I'm waiting for the right person.

- But then how do you...
I mean, how do you know so much?

- I don't.

With you...

everything just feels right, I guess.

- Hmm! Whoa, whoa!

Ah, back it up.

- What?
- Uh, we're not doing that.

- I thought you wanted
to give everything a test run.

- Not that.

- Okay.

Okay, s-sorry, I just... I thought that...

- Well, then you weren't
thinking with your brain, Larson.

Well, you just launched a harpoon
without tying the rope off.

- I'll tie it off.

I have several ropes: ribbed ropes,
organic ropes, prelubed ropes...

- Okay, reel it in, Skipper.

- But... you want to?

Gilligan?

- Okay, first of all,
I am clearly Professor Roy Hinkley...

and that was never part of the plan.

Our dynamic needs to remain
strictly professional

for the sake of the experiment.

[Larson sighs]

- You know, my hypothesis...

- Which was null and void.
- By you.

But I think...

love leads to sex

and sex leads to love
and that's how you get chemistry.

It's intertwined.

- Wait, hold on.

Let me explain the chemistry to you.

So, even prolonged eye contact

sends signals to your brain
to release dopamine--

- Forget the chemicals.

I'm saying love and sex are interwoven.

AVERY: No, love has nothing to do
with good sexual experiences.

I mean, we had just proven that.

The experiment was a success.

I finally had all the data I needed.

Now I only had a week to put it
all together and complete the app.

NIKKI: Think of your body
like a game of Twister.

STUDENT: Oop! You found the one.

BIANCA: Gotta have a strong hold
on the base.

STUDENT: It's all about the tip.

LARSON: It's only a successful mission
if we both enjoy it.

FRANK: Stimulating the clitoris is key.
DANICA: Do some finger painting.

FRANK: Partner-pleasure approaches,
the rock-and roll...
MARLA: Yes!

FRANK: ...the surf's up,
the double-action revolver.

MS. RUSSELL: It starts at D...
MARLA: Yes!

MS. RUSSELL:
...and goes deep into G.

- Voilà!
MARLA: Yes!

Yesss!

SPOCK: Update complete.

How may I assist you?

AVERY:
Spock, how does one have good sex?

SPOCK: Based on current data,
good sex is achieved by:

one, self-exploration to discover
personalized pleasure;

two, communicate likes
and dislikes to partner;

three, give and receive consent;

four, engage in foreplay,

including ears, neck, back, buttocks,

nipples, clitoris...

[doorbell rings]

[door opens]

LARSON: Hey.
- Hey.

Uh... Uh...

- Oop.
- Yeah.

I saw that there was an exhibit
at the science museum

on bioluminescence.

It's only here for another week,
so you wanna go tonight?

- Oh, I caught that opening weekend.

Besides, I have STEMCON tomorrow.

- Right, yeah, that's why,
you know, I thought

maybe we could do something fun
before you go.

- Well, it's the night before the big day.

I need all my energy focused
on mental preparation,

but I appreciate your assistance
and support,

and, um, I'll see you when
I get back with all the details.

- Avery, every, everything that we did...

how did it make you feel?

- Um...

amazing. [laughs]

Think there was concrete evidence of that.

- Anything change for you?

- I'm in the top third
of the third percentile now?

- Did anything else change for you?

- Come on, I gotta get back to my prep.

- So that's it, if we're not doing
your experiment, we can't hang?

- Larson, this is my prom, remember?

I mean, like any teen girl,
it's rightfully consuming my thoughts.

- I get it, I get it.
Um...

Have a nice prom.

I got two tickets to the exhibit, so...

I'll just go twice.

Double matinee.

I'm gonna learn a shit ton
about biolumes.

I guess.

[softly] Ah, fuck.

- Hey, Larson.
- Have a good trip.

- Okay.

SPOCK:
Please upload your app logo.

Congratulations,
your Sex Appeal app is complete.

[phone buzzing]

- There's my girl.

[Avery humming]

Are you humming?

- Ah, yep.

Mm!

Whoa, these pancakes are delightful.

- Well, I used ghee.

I cannot find our coconut oil.

[Avery clears throat]
[Mama Suze sighs]

AVERY: Weird.

STEMCON was finally here,

my chance to cement my name
in STEM history

and kick off my scientific career.

[cheering]
- So beautiful!

[all talking at once]

- Okay, let me take one of the three...
[indistinct chatter]

- This is STEMCON, I don't...
- Oh, just take it.

- Be safe.
- Okay, bye. Love you!

- Use protection.
[door opens]

Aw, she is gonna nail it!

[door closes]

AVERY: But first, the big night.

I was gonna rock Larson's world.

Wait, did I say Larson?
[clears throat]

I mean, Casper. Casper's world.

- ...but the future of it all is...

- Casper, hi.
- Avery, oh, my God.

Oh, I'm so happy you're here.

AVERY: This was the night
I was to rock Casper's world.

- ...personal financial advice

just a tap away.

Fi-Tap.

Financing for college-bound...

AVERY: I said Larson a second ago
because there was all this adrenaline

from preparation
for the approaching event,

but it's not like I was suddenly
falling for Larson or anything.

Just wanna be clear,
'cause that was not the plan.

[applause]

[Avery giggles]
[head thuds]

Ow!
- Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh, Jesus. All right?
- Yeah, it's all right.

- All right.

SPOCK: To enhance the mood,
turn off the lights,

but have one main light source
from the left

for optional visibility.

- Oh, actually, I think it's that... No.
- Just do it.

- The left side, I think.
He said the left side.

- Left. Your left or mine?

[giggles]
- All right.

SPOCK: To heighten the experience,
employ music pleasing to the subject.

- No, I made a playlist.
- Oh.

Spot on. This is spot on.
- Yeah.

[both laugh]

SPOCK: Do you both consent?

- I do.
- I do. [laughs]

SPOCK: Foreplay may begin.

- Wha...
- It's...

SPOCK: Engage erogenous zones,

including ears, neck, back,
behind the knees, buttocks, elbows.

- Ooh!
- Jeez! Ow, God.

- I hit you.
SPOCK: Switch e-zones.

Nipples are stimulating
for both males and females.

- Nipples.

Are you there yet?
- Okay. Oop.

- Oh, yeah!
- Yeah?

- No.

SPOCK: When arousal has occurred,

subjects may employ choice contraception.

- Yeah, yeah! [laughs]

- Um...
- Uh, I have one.

Here you are.

- "Microthin extra lubricated."

"Piña colada."

Such a complex flavor.
- Oh! So I've heard.

SPOCK: Do you both consent?

- I do.
- Hell yeah.

- Oh.

- I love your brain.
- I love your brain.

SPOCK:
You are now achieving good sex.

Congratulations.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

- There you go.
- You sure?

- Mm-hmm.
- Um...

- Um...

- Do you maybe wanna try on top, maybe?
- Yeah.

- Okay?
- Okay.

- Nice.
- Ah, yeah.

- All right.
- Mm.

- Sh-Should we stop?

- Yeah.

- Okay. All right.

[clears throat]

[clears throat]

[Avery clicks tongue]

- Okay.

Uh...

- Okay.

♪ White silver stripes ♪

♪ Blue dot, black star ♪

♪ Big dreamin' little ants ♪

♪ It's just who we are ♪

♪ I want to change ♪

♪ I want to change what's to come ♪

♪ I want to change ♪

♪ I want to change the subject ♪

♪ I want to change... ♪

♪ rock band playing ♪

[applause]

EMCEE: Now, welcome to the stage
our reigning champion,

sure to dazzle us yet again,

Ms. Avery Hansen-White!

[cheering]

STUDENT: We love you, Avery!

AVERY: How was I going to sell an app
to an entire room of people

when I knew it didn't work?

I was terrified that my first
sexual encounter would be a failure.

We've all been there, am I right?

[audience silent]

[scattered murmuring]

What if you could erase
all that fear of failure

from your first time
with a sexual partner?

What if there was an app
designed to prepare its user

for a mutually appealing
and successful experience?

♪

Imagine if you had Sex Appeal.

[murmuring continues]

I'm really sorry, um...

I withdraw my, my presentation.

I... Thank you.

[confused murmuring]

EMCEE: Ms. Hansen-White?

[applause]
- Thank you so much. Thanks.

GIRL: Thank you.

- Thank you.
- Thank you. Thank you.

[applause continues]

- All that build-up, you know,
all the anticipation,

and it wasn't really anything.

And, you know, given that it was
technically a milestone event,

it was so uneventful.

[scoffs] And I don't know,

I thought I'd feel...

different?

- Well, maybe that's the problem, Avery.

You don't seem to feel anything.

Or care about anyone.

- What?

That's not true.
I mean, I care about you.

- Right.

Okay, well, I have homework, so...

- Cool. I'll do it for you,
and then we can hang.

- I can't do that with you, Avery.
- Why not?

- Do you actually think
I'm into bioluminescence?

- I mean, I'm guessing you're not
for the sake of your argument,

but... everyone should be.

- Well, they're not.

Avery, let me explain something to you.

I have always cared about you.

That boob graze, I...

I was an idiot 14-year-old getting advice
from other idiot 14-year-olds

who told me if I wanted to be
more than friends with you,

I needed to make a move.

So I did.

And you rejected me, and that's fine.

But I spent the next three years
trying really hard to move on.

And I finally did.

But then you suck me back in
with this thing that I didn't want to do

and here I am again.

And I'm done.

I'm done waiting for the moment
where you...

change your mind about me.

About us.

- Us?

I mean, Larson, I'm moving
to Massachusetts in the fall,

so it just wouldn't be practical.

- Practical? Jesus, Avery!
What about emotional, huh?

- Okay, well, you do seem
to be getting a little emotional.

- Yeah... You know what?

You... you're right.

I have no place to be upset.

This grew for me.

It didn't grow for you, and that...

that just sucks.

- Well, I never said
that it didn't grow for me.

- Do you have feelings for me?

- I mean, I...

- You...?

- I mean...

- Come on, Avery,
you always have an answer.

- Yeah, well, I wanna have
the right answer.

I...

- I don't wanna be
your guinea pig anymore.

- Hey, you're not.

- Really?

Then why do you always ask
to experiment on me and never with me?

- Larson... hang on.

We both were practicing...

- For you, Avery!

- We both agreed to everything.

Are you upset that I slept
with Casper instead of you?

- No.

No, I'm glad we didn't.

Because I'm waiting to be
with someone who cares about me

as much as I care about them.

So... it would have been a big mistake.

AVERY:
Maybe Larson was right.

Maybe I should have considered
his hypothesis

that love and sex were intertwined.

Was that the missing data?

Had I disregarded
a crucial piece of intel?

- The best part about sex
is for sure the love.

- There is no greater feeling.

It's beyond a physical feeling.

- The idea that you could be
completely naked with someone

and be totally comfortable, that's...

that's incredible.

That's like next level trust.

- You just want to spend
every second with them,

want to share everything with them.

If you lose them...

- If that trust is broken...

- The emptiness, it's...

suffocating.

- My ex broke up with me over text, and...

he didn't even give me a reason.

- Best way to get over someone
is to get under someone else.

Doesn't really work like that.

- When Melissa Delazzo started sitting
with Dwayne on the bus instead of me...

it was like I lost the rudder
to the ship of myself.

- To quote T. Swift, "I never heard
a silence quite this loud."

[sobbing]
- I know.

Just... please.

- Feelings.

You can't control shit.

- Rejection can have you shattered
into a million pieces.

- All of a sudden,
you're reaching out for this person

who was always there before,
but now they're gone.

- Truth is, you don't... you don't
just lose a piece of your heart,

you lose...

you lose your best friend.

- Hey, hon, how are you feeling?

- Fine. Shut the door.

MAMA SUZE: Are you su...

Need to just talk a little? Okay.
- Shut the door. Nope. Nope.

- What are you feeling?
Name your feelings by name.

- Shut the door!

MAMA SUZE: I told you
she's not gonna talk to you.
- Please!

[Avery groans]

MAMA SUZE: Get in there! Go!
AVERY: Oh, my...

- Oh, yay, it's my turn.

- [whines] Maternal figures multiplying.

- I know.

Go easy on me.

Look, I...

I'm here for you,

and I'm just gonna sit here
till you ask me to leave.

- I lost...

- STEMCON?

- That too, I guess.

- Oh, your virginity.

- Hmm, that too.

No, that's not what I mean.
- Oh, shit. What else did you lose?

- The only real friend I've ever had.

- Oh.

So that means they lost someone
special to them too.

- I hadn't considered that.

- Yeah, that's the thing
with friendship or sex.

- You may continue.

- Yeah, so the key
to a good friendship or good sex

is, um, it's about giving, not taking.

So luckily, like sex,
friendship is something

that you can get better at
with practice.

- That lands.

Good job, Kim.

- Cool.

[sighs] Glad I could help.

This teen crisis has been so stressful.

Okay, good.

- What did she say?
Tell her to name her feelings and...

- Oh, my God.
- Don't ask me to name my feelings.

- Okay.

But...

he probably needs to know how you feel.

So...

when you know, you should tell him.

- Like I gotta go get the guy?

- Yeah. And speak from the heart.

It's the best way back into his.

Okay.

I don't know why I did that. Okay.

I did it.
MAMA SUZE: That went great!

MA DEB: Yay!

♪ playing Sousa march ♪

- Ahem. Excuse me. So sorry.

Larson, your hypothesis was correct.

Love and sex are absolutely intertwined.

I've got an answer for you.

[Burl Ives singing
What Child is This?]

My answer is that there is no answer.

There is no answer because
this isn't math or physics

or some kind of equation.

We got into this
under the pretense of an experiment,

and you're right, it evolved
into something much more.

♪ music continues on phone ♪

- [softly] Avery, please.

- Wait... Larson.

Larson!

- Look, I knew it would backfire,
and now things, they're just different.

But I'm good with it, okay?

AVERY: Wait, wait, hang on.

Larson, it's not that I don't
feel something for you.

Okay?

Look, I... I do.

I feel more than I've ever felt
for a person, and...

if I had known that I was hurting you,
I never would have--

- Would have what?

- The experiment.

But it wasn't for nothing.

Because I learned how much
I truly care about you.

- Avery, you were right.

You're the crocodile.

But the crocodile can live alone
in that swamp.

And that is okay.

'Cause we need people like you
who are gonna change that swamp

with their achievements
and discoveries and...

but we need birds like me
who are gonna love them

for being exactly that.

But for that symbiosis
to work in the world...

the bird really needs
to go fly with other birds.

AVERY: Larson, wait!

Go to prom with me.

- [scoffs] What?
- Yeah. Let's go to prom.

- No.

- Why?

- You said it yourself, it's just a bunch
of overhyped, superfluous--

- No, you were right, okay?

We never did any
of the fun high school stuff.

- I don't wanna go. I'm over it.

- I don't... I don't believe that.

Come on, we should go.

You, me, prom.

- I thought STEM was your prom.

- Larson.

- Avery, I gotta go.

- Well, I'll walk with you.
- I'm good.

- Look, I may not show it
in the same way, but...

I...

I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

Larson!

Larson!

[door clangs open]

Larson...

[door closes]

[sniffles]

- What are you doing here?

- I come up here every day
to cry and smoke.

Why are you in my spot?

Oh, shit.

All right.

Talk to me.

AVERY: I told her everything,
about the sexperiments,

failing STEMCON,
realizing I love Larson.

I messed up.

I was so focused on doing things right...

that I didn't...

I didn't realize that I was hurting him.
I failed him.

- Didn't Einstein fail a bunch of times
before he got it right?

- That is an exhausted anecdote,
overused by underachievers.

- You kids are overly worried
about getting good at the sex stuff.

That's the easy part.

It's the relationship that takes practice.

- How much practice?

Because I don't think I ever want
to feel like this again.

- All right, if your heart hurts,
your heart works.

You got one rep in, it'll be easier
to go there next time.

- Next time?

- Yeah.
- But what about Larson?

Is there any saving of friendship
that went beyond friendship?

- Sometimes.

And sometimes a person or friendship
is just part of the journey

to figuring your own shit out.

- Thank you.

- Eh, I got a few good ones in me.

[clicks tongue]

Stay safe.

Be prepared.
- Yeah.

- I will be back in ten minutes
to smoke this joint.

You better be gone.
- I'll be gone.

- Okay.

♪ student singing ballad ♪

[students chattering]

♪ But I'm dying to feel something ♪

♪ Oh-oh-oh ♪

♪ Oh-oh-oh ♪

♪ But you're still away ♪

♪ But I want you to stay ♪

- Hey.

I'm Avery.

- Hey.

- So, my buddy Larson really likes you.

- Larson? Like Larson Hecht?

- Yeah.
- Aren't you guys a thing?

- No. [laughs]

But, um, he's liked you for a while now.

He's incredible.

He's gonna make the right girl
so damn happy.

So...

if you like him,
you should ask him to prom.

- Well, why won't he just ask me?

- 'Cause he's been hurt.

And...

he doesn't want to put himself out there
in case he gets hurt again, so...

Or maybe you could just ask him.

He's worth it.

I promise.

- Okay.

Um... I think I will.

Thanks.

- [clicks tongue] Hey, cute girl.

You have a personality, right?

- Excuse me?

- Well, you're not just
some attractive object of pursuit.

I've seen this a lot
in the films I watched

in preparation for losing my virginity.

- Okay.

First of all, "cute" is a term I reserve
for instafamous hedgehogs.

I'm not a girl, I'm a young woman,
with an extensive list of interests,

and just because I practice
active listening,

doesn't mean I'm inarticulate
or submissive.

Hi.

My name's Lyssa.

- Nice to meet you.

Go get the guy, would ya?

TEACHER:
Why, such is love's transgression,

griefs of mine own lie heavy in my breast.

[knock on door]
- Can I help you, Avery?

- Excuse me, sorry.
I, uh...

Just refer to your textbooks
for the rest of that enchanting passage.

I'll just be a moment.

Sorry, uh...

I... I just... I regraded my paper.

Um... you gave me an 89
and I deserved...

- An A-plus?

Avery, I'm a massive Trekkie.

None of the references were lost on me.

I just didn't find them relevant
in an essay about...

love.

Wow. That's a B.

That's a big ugly B regular.

- While those references were spot-on...

I missed the point.

You can't calculate for love.

You can only experience as much love
as you're willing to give.

That's the real choice.

I didn't get that, so...

I concede.

I don't deserve an A.

- That's very mature of you, Avery.

- Well, I am a woman now.

[muffled laughter]

Not because I popped my cherry.

Relax.

It's, I just...

learned that sometimes
you have to fail to grow.

- Well, you didn't fail.
I mean, that's a B.

And your grade won't be compromised
with a 105 average.

- Yeah, the move was strategic,

but relish in the sentiment, will ya?

[whispering] I'll see ya later.

[teacher clears throat]

- Okay.

So where was I, breast?
I leave off at breast?

[students murmuring]
STUDENT: Uh, yeah.

♪ romantic pop song playing ♪

[indistinct conversation]

AVERY:
I set the whole thing up.

I had to make sure
it went according to plan.

And it did.

- Don't be weird, be reals.
- Okay.

AVERY: I thought high school
was about setting yourself up

for the rest of your life,
and it kind of is.

- Come on.

AVERY:
Just not in the way I expected.

SINGER: All right,
let's turn this party up!

AVERY: Don't get me wrong,
I'm proud of my GPA,

and I can't wait to go to MIT.

But the most valuable lesson
from high school...

came from Larson.

Not how to be good at sex,

but to be good to others.

Because it turns out, making
other people happy makes you happy.

- Avery!
♪ dance music playing ♪

AVERY:
And that's a pretty epic win.

♪ All we need's a bit of each other ♪

♪ To feel new ♪

♪ I've got a lot of steam ♪

♪ To blow off ♪

DIRECTOR: Scene 1, actor take 1, mark.

[snickers]
- ♪ Bam bam bam bam ♪

[crew laughing]

AVERY: I'm sorry.
- I... I don't know what to tell you.

Yeah, babe, I mean,
we can't do this all for you.

What, am I gonna suck his dick for you?

[laughing]

- Yeah, I will.

Ooh. We both would.

- Well, speak for yourself.
- Just let us know.

[crew laughing]

- Feel like... I forgot the line.

[crew laughing]
Wow.

DIRECTOR: Can you touch a little longer?

LARSON: Whoa.

[crew laughing]

- Math does the body good!

- Oh, yeah. [laughs]

[needle scratches record]
Wha...?

- What? I didn't mean it like that.
I didn't mean it like that.

- Chill out, bro.
- No, no, no, we're good.

- We're seniors, and you've never been
to a school dance,

and we both know you don't think--
do things you're not-- Sorry.

- I'm willing to let you out on parole if
you return to your test position... to...

Fuckin'...

[imitating rewinding audio]
AVERY: Fuck. I'm sorry.

[crew laughing]

Combo.

DIRECTOR: Oh, that's cool.

- Spock.
- [laughing] Very nice, Spock.

- Reverse Spock.
WOMAN: Reverse Spock! [laughing]

- Can I just go for it?

The rock star, the surf's up,
the devil's advocate,

the Spock, the reverse Spock,
the scissors beats paper,

the sideways dancing man.

Today's episode is brought to you
by the letter G.

What's up, G?
I'll email you a list.

[laughter, indistinct shouting]

- Oh, my God,
I can't believe it's working!

- There's a microphone under there.
[laughing]

[kids speaking nonsense, laughing]

- Do you know, Deb's batteries
are all in her vibrators, so...

do you think she's gonna take those out
and put it in the remote?

I don't think so.

[crew laughing]

- Piña Colada. Such a complex flavor.

- Tastes like sunscreen.

I licked it again, what is wrong with me?

- Even Hemingway fucked it up
on the first go.

Cut yourself-- Oh, I said "fuck."

Is this a fuck production?

- Sexual intimacy is
something to be gained.

KIM: That's beautiful, sweetheart.

- Why are you so far away from me?
I have a short arm.

- Uggh! Uggh! Uggh!

Ohh!

Uggh!

DIRECTOR: Good timing.

- That got really close that time.

- Yeah. It looked good though.
- I'm really sorry.

- Were you not entertained?

So now while you are here...

fuckin' love...

[crew laughing]

- Okay, so we'll follow the same protocol

as all-ov-our previous experiments--

- [laughs] Oh, yeah?

- I'm sorry.

- Oh, yeah?

[laughing]

Say it again.
[mimicking] "As all-ov-our..."

Ha, ha!
Sorry. Blooper reel.

- I think it went well.
- Pretty good.

- It didn't feel good,
but I think it was good.

- Yes.
- Yes.

[crew laughing]

DIRECTOR: Cut! Great.

♪ romantic ballad playing ♪

♪ Sometimes ♪

♪ Two people in love aren't meant to be ♪

♪ Because sometimes ♪

♪ They can't give each other
what they need ♪

♪ For them to be happy ♪

♪ Because happy
isn't just a one-way street ♪

♪ So before you go ♪

♪ I hope you know ♪

♪ That I wish you all the best ♪

♪ I hope you fly like a bird ♪

♪ Who can finally leave the nest ♪

♪ I cannot wait to see ♪

♪ When you are happy ♪

♪ Though the world of us
is just a memory ♪

♪ After a while, I hope you'd smile
if you remember me ♪

♪ That I don't want to forget ♪

♪ I can't regret anything ♪

♪ At all ♪

♪ I wish you all the best ♪

♪ I hope that you get the world ♪

♪ And you're given all the rest ♪

♪ I cannot wait to see ♪

♪ When you are happy ♪

♪ I wish you all the best ♪

♪ I hope you fly like a bird ♪

♪ Who can finally leave the nest ♪

♪ I cannot wait to see ♪

♪ When you are happy ♪

♪