All language subtitles for Married with Children S11E19-Birthday Boy Toy

Okay.

Somebody broke
into my piggy bank again.

The long strand of red hair...

...and these bonbon wrappers...

...clearly indicate that you, Mother,
saw who did it.

Now, who was it?

Oh, gee, honey, I really don't know.

Hey, look at
this lovely Don Knotts hologram...

...I got from QVC.

Don't try to distract me, Mom.

It's shiny.

Mr. Furley.

Barney Fife.

Furley...

...Fife. Did you see that?

Peg?

I hope one of these bills is
for a coffin...

...because your shopping is
killing me.

Something shiny.

- I got you one, Al.
- I'm not interested in that...

...Pe--

Ginger.

Mary Ann.

Ginger.

Oh, cut this out.

Not only is this QVC thing useless...

...but you've bought a membership
to the Buff and Tuff Health Club.

Well, how else am I supposed
to stay young and attractive for you?

Buy a time machine.

Peg, I'm cutting off your shopping
cold turkey.

Right now.

Traitor.

Oh, Al, don't make me stop shopping.

You'll destroy my life.

Good, then we'll be even.

Yeah, I like this one
even better than...

...that clog cabin we built last week.

It is stunning.

We ought to go into business.

Oh, what business would that be,
Griff?

The shoe box lid
house-building business?

- Not much demand for that.
- Well, I beg to differ.

I think you're overlooking
the homeless dwarf problem.

Now, somebody has got
to clean that up.

Hey, guys.

Hey.

Well, Jefferson, I see you're having
your typically hard day at the office.

You know, looking this good is
a full-time job.

You think these pores
just exfoliate themselves?

You better watch out, Jefferson.

Now you're heading
for the big 4-0...

...Marcie might trade you in
for a new model.

Yeah, when you hit 40,
everything starts going to hell.

Your alignment gets all out of whack...

...then your tire start
to get a little bald and then...

...comes that horrible day
when you realize...

...no matter how hard you turn
that knob...

...that antenna
is only coming half way up.

Then you start getting
that uncontrollable backfiring.

Well, don't tell me you don't have
that problem!

Well, that may hold true
for you old clunkers...

...but I look the same today
as I did 20 years ago.

I've been looking for you forever.

And I hope I was worth the wait.

Sorry, sir,
I thought you were my dad.

Hey, hey.

Happy birthday, Mr. D'Arcy,
happy birthday.

Oh, sure, rub it in, you brats.

Gee, old man D'Arcy is getting
pretty cranky, huh?

Dad, guess what?

Gary hired us to shoot a commercial
for the store.

Well, why would she hire you two?

Well, because she wanted somebody
fast and cheap.

Which explains our actress.

I, on the other hand, will be directing.

It will be 30 seconds of pure magic.

Oh, now, Bud, don't waste
your best pick-up lines on dad.

We've got the setting.
We've got the customer.

Now, all we need is
a shoe salesman.

Well, how much does it pay?

Four hundred dollars a day.

Earth days?

Hey, I'm your man for the job.
Nobody sells shoes better than me.

Bud, did I ever mention to you
that I played Dorothy...

...in my high school production
of The Wiz?

- All-male school?
- No.

You want to see great acting?

How about those seizures
I used to throw at IHOP?

All right, Dad, so you scammed us...

...a few Rooty Tooty
Fresh 'N Fruity breakfasts.

It doesn't exactly make you
Oscar material.

Hey, you didn't seem to mind
my performance...

...when you were shoving pancakes
in your pockets.

I'm really good.

Hoover High School Gazette says
my Dorothy was...

..."captivating, charming
and strangely intimidating."

Oh, Griff, how pathetic are you?

A man your age hanging on
to faded high school glory.

What?

Frankly, I don't buy either one of you
as a shoe salesman...

- ...but if you want to try out for the part--
- Listen, Mr. Director.

I think that you and I should see
eye to eye on this thing.

I think we found our star.

So...

What do you want for your birthday,
my little boy toy?

Is that all I am to you, a boy toy?

Jefferson, it's just an expression.

Like, freeloader...

...or trophy husband.

Honey...

Do you notice any little lines
around my eyes?

You have to come in close to see.

You mean, those crow's feet?

They are not crow's feet.

They are laugh lines.

Honey, nothing is that funny.

Oh, don't pout.

I know something...

...that will make you feel a lot better.

I don't feel like playing Hop on Pop.

No, I'm talking
about the perfect birthday gift:

A health club membership, huh?

Night-night.

Do you really think I need it?

I'm sure my thighs jiggle a little
when I settle into the tanning bed...

...but whose don't?

I'm just worrying over nothing,
right?

I mean--

I still turn you on, don't I, Marcie?

Last chance to buy
this lovely Tom Jones locket...

...containing his actual chest hair.

Well, if that's not unusual.

Twenty-five seconds.

Twenty-two seconds.

Damn you, Al.

Hey, Peggy.

I brought over Marcie's tool belt
like you asked.

Oh, you're a life savior.
Needle nose.

Hey...

Peggy.

Do you ever have a fear
that Al is gonna leave you?

Well, I wouldn't call it a fear
so much as a fantasy.

Screwdriver. Why do you ask?

Well, I know that--

You know, I haven't confided
in you much.

And I appreciate that.

But lately I'm just feeling so old
and unattractive...

...and unloved and I just wondered--

How do you handle it?

Well, usually I just thank God...

...I'm not that aging gigolo
that lives next door.

See, if Marcie thinks
I'm losing my looks...

...it's just a matter of time
before she dumps me...

...for some younger guy.

- Stripper.
- Maybe.

With her money
she could have anyone.

Well, I tell you what.

Why don't you just spend
all her money...

...and then she can't afford
to trade you in?

- Think that would work?
- Absolutely.

- Do you have a credit card?
- Yeah, I have one right--

Oh, platinum.

The good stuff.

What's Marcie's limit?

On a good night, six or seven.

The card.

It doesn't have a limit.

Let's do some home shopping.

Wait a minute. Isn't that addictive?

Oh, no. You can stop
any time you want.

What's that for?

So we don't drop the phone.

Hi, baby, mama's back.

"Gary's Shoes," take 28.

And action.

Excuse me, kind sir.

Do you have any purple pumps?

Certainly, we have purple pimps.

At Gary's Shoes, we feet your treat.

Cut.

Okay, Dad, that was--

It was good
but you're still a little stiff.

Any stiffer, you could wax him
and use him as a toboggan.

Could you keep the gofer quiet?

All right. Look, let's just try it again,
all right?

Take 29.

If anybody's still counting.

And action.

Excuse me, kind sir--

Certainly, we pump your purple...

...at Gary's Shoes,
where we treat your feet.

- Cut.
- What?

Those are the right words.

But they were in the wrong order.

Well, can you edit them together?
What kind of a director are you?

You know, I give up.
Okay? You talk to him.

Okay.

So--

Nice weather we're having, Daddy?

I mean, about the part.

Oh, oh, I'm sorry. Okay.

That was perfect, Daddy.

But I think that you need
to emphasize certain words. Like this.

Here at Gary's Shoes,
we treat your feet.

- See what I'm saying?
- Like this.

Okay.

Here at Gary's Shoes,
we treat your feet.

That's-- It's much, much better,
Daddy. Really.

Can his ass.

Bud, I'm starting to get the hang of it.

I'm rolling with it.
I'm grooving with it.

- Dad, you're fired.
- I know. Fired up, ready to go.

No, Dad, it's over.

Over, my stage fright is over.
I'm ready to go. Action. Roll them.

Listen to me.

You're fired. You're out.
You're finished. You must flee TV.

Wow, that came out of nowhere.

Why the sudden change of heart?

No, no, it's not sudden.
Your acting sucks.

It sucked when we started.
It sucks now. It will always suck.

Well, that's just one person's opinion,
isn't it?

- It sucks.
- It sucks.

It sucks.

Attention, shoppers,
Al Bundy sucks.

Oh, look.
A genuine faux leopard muff.

Let's not wait for the price.
Just dial.

Okay. Okay, but--

Tell me again how this stuff is going
to keep Marcie from leaving me.

- Is that a liver spot?
- Okay...

What?

Don't you play dumb with me,
Peggy Bundy.

You've always been
a shopping junky.

But now you've turned into a pusher
and corrupted my innocent Jefferson.

Innocent?

Yeah, I may have provided
the TV and the phone...

...but he did his own dialing.

Jefferson, is that true?

- Yes.
- Well, that's it, mister.

Your freeloading days are over.

And you're going to pay back
every cent.

How am I supposed to do that?

Three little words.

I love you?

Try again.

Hop on Pop?

Get a job.

You know, this exercise stuff
is really challenging. Yeah.

I think I'm starting to "feel the burn."

That's heartburn.

You think you could stop chewing
for one second...

...and help me out of this mess
you got me into?

Oh, yeah, like it's my fault
you're not aging well.

Don't get your varicose veins
in a knot.

There must be some job
that you're qualified for.

I'm just not good at anything.

All right. And launch and twirl.
And launch and--

All right. Fine. Stay fat.

At Gary's Shoes, we treat your--

Cut.

Dad...

...we're trying to work here.

So am I.

Al, you haven't vacuumed
in 25 years.

Then it's high time, isn't it?

Anyway, that was great, Griff.

Great. Great.
You couldn't even tell he was acting.

Let's just do it one more time.
Okay?

Fine. Fine.

Take 32, which is three more
than it took me by the way.

That's because you've ruined
every one of mine.

It's because we had a couple
of accidents.

Oh, dropping a light on Griff's head?

Freak occurrence.

The fire in the stock room?

Act of God.

Rollerblading through here
with your pants down, playing a tuba?

Hey, what I do on my break
is my business.

Admit it, Dad. You're trying
to sabotage the commercial.

Get out of here.

- Don't come back until we're finished.
- Fine.

You Hollywood types are so touchy.

- Ready?
- Yes.

And action.

Excuse me, kind sir,
do you have any--?

Peggy?

What in the world are you doing
here?

Working out.

Excuse me, you can't just walk
into a Jefferson D'Arcy class.

Are you on the list?

Well, no...

...but I'm his wife.

Nice try, honey.
We get four wives a day...

...and a couple of husbands.

Well, maybe if you gave up your spot
they'd all fit.

You just better be glad
I am weak from dieting...

There he is.

Jeffersize. Jeffersize.

Hello, all you lovely ladies.

Are you ready to get hot
and bothered?

Okay, here we go and on our right--

Jefferson. Hi, honey.

Oh, hey, Marcie. Gee, what a surprise.
Okay. Here we go and--

Bend and stretch.
Reach for me, ladies. That's it.

Okay, here we go, grapevine and...

That's it. Beautiful.

That's it.

She won't let me through.

Hey, Marcie, I have a secret weapon.

My Snickers slipped.

Here we go.

One, two--

Hey, Marcie, thank you so much
for making me get this job.

I'll be able to pay you back
in no time.

Well, honey,
you don't have to pay me back.

Consider it a birthday present.

It's Jeffie's birthday.

Spanking machine.

Oh, no. Oh, no-- Okay.

Yes, yes, yes.

Jefferson, I hate to see you like this,
slaving away at a job you hate.

Jeffie, can you massage
my cramp again?

I'll give you a cramp.

Jefferson.

I want you to quit your job.

But why, Marcie?
If I keep working here...

...I'm going to have the body
that you've always wanted me to.

- That I've always wanted?
- Yeah.

Jefferson, I love the way you look.

The reason I sent you
to a health club is...

...that I thought you were feeling
insecure about yourself.

Well, I was. I'm--

I'm getting older. I just--

I thought you were gonna...

...trade me in for someone new.

Oh, booberry.

I don't want anybody new.

It took me years to break you in.

You mean, you'll still love me
even when I'm old and grey?

Of course, just like you'll still love me
even if I lose all my money?

Right.

You know, this is great.

I always wanted
my own personal trainer.

Well, well, well.

Looks like my commercial
has made me a few fans.

Yeah, I knew TV added 10 pounds.
I didn't realize it all went to your head.

You're even cuter in person
than you are on TV.

You're a shoe hunk.

Al, help me.

Yeah, they are all yours, shoe hunk.

Think I'll just ease on down the road.

Ladies, please, please.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Hey, hey, that is not for sale.

Don't go away we'll be right back.

Oh, I don't believe this.

- We'll take it.
- We'll take it.

I told you so.

Hey, weren't you Dorothy
in The Wiz?

Yes, I was.

I was the mayor of Munchkin Land.

Your honor.