All language subtitles for Holy Flying Circus (2011).eng

- That's a bit controversial,
isn't it?

- Holy Circus.

♪♪

- ♪ Amen ♪

- I'll sit over here.

- Hello, Graham.
- Johnny.

- Morning, Murray.

- So...

What did you think?

- Of the rough cut?

Fantastic. Absolutely fantastic.

Loved it.

- I think it might be
the best thing we've done.

- Oh, easily. By miles.

Now, I've spoken to Chris,
who's head of North America,

and we'd like to open it first
in the States.

- Oh, terrific. Really terrific.

- So what's the thinking?
- Ah.

Well, the First Amendment
guarantees the right

to freedom of speech.

Plus it's a melting pot.

There's all kinds of
different religions out there.

And it's Hollywood.

And Chris reckons you're ready
to play with the big boys now.

- Jolly good.

I love Americans.

- Here in New York City,

Monty Python's Life of Brian

had its world premiere,

and Americans have come
from far and wide to see it.

Not to watch the film,
but to protest against it.

I'm going to ask them why.

- This film is disgusting.
- Enough with the stereotypes.

I mean, it's not funny.
How is this funny?

- Life Of Brian is an evil film.

And Monty Python is an evil man.

- I would like to say
it's morally repugnant.

And also, kill the blacks.

- I agree with him.

Except the bit about
killing black people.

Obviously, that's not cool.

- Well, that went well.

- I knew it. Americans.

- Total idiots.

Waste of space.

- Wasn't all bad.

I got this lovely jacket.

- Yes. Very nice.

- We won't have the same
problems here though, right?

- Protests here?

No, I wouldn't think so, no.

Because the great
British public,

they aren't quick to judge
or completely closed-minded.

Oh, no, sorry.

They are quick to judge
and massively closed-minded.

- Not the queers.
- Apart from the queers.

- Right, here are
the press cuttings

and early box office breakdowns.

- Oh, god.

Listen to this.
This is from Variety.

Rabbi Hecht says the film,
quote,

"Could result in violence."

- Oh, yes.

Copycat crucifixions.
I hadn't thought of that.

That is a worry, isn't it?
Cretin.

I mean, they've been
out of favor for 2,000 years,

but suddenly all
the kids'll be doing it.

"Hey, Johnny, want to come out
for a kick-about?"

"No, no, no.

Me and Gary thought we'd nail
his brother to a tree."

- Yeah, I think the Rabbi meant
violent protest,

as in violence against us.

- Right.
- Well, that wasn't clear.

- It sort of was.
- Wasn't.

- Was.
- Wasn't.

- Really was.
- Really wasn't.

- He goes on to say the film
was produced in Hell.

- Oh, I love that.

- Could we have a scene
where we show

some Christians
killing some babies?

- Oh, yeah, funny.
- That is funny. I like that.

- Jesus having sex with Judas?

- Good. Offensive. Put that in.

- Maybe a scene where Jesus
is on the cross

and gets quite turned on
and ejaculates over everyone?

- Oh, that is sick.

No, that's-
you've gone way too far.

That crosses a fucking line.

- Oh. Crap! Ugh.

- So while you're all
in the same room, gents,

I just need you to sign
these release forms

for distribution in France.

- Oh, so we're getting
released in France?

- Yeah.
- Have you seen French films?

It's all picnics and incest.

You can't shock that lot.

- And what about here?

- There's no need to worry.

- Uh, well,
I wasn't gonna worry,

but, um, now you've said
there's no need to worry,

I'm thinking I might worry.

- You're not getting cold feet,
are you, Barry?

- No, course not.

All I'm saying is, you know,

let's not project it on to
the side of Westminster Abbey

or, you know,

start selling Life of Brian
Christmas crackers.

- Have you seen.

Monty Python's Life of Brian
Christmas crackers?

- Knock knock.

- Who's there?
- No-one.

We're all alone
in a godless universe.

- Monty Python's Life of Brian
Christmas crackers.

Fun for all the family,

as long as you're not Christian,

easily offended,
or expecting good jokes.

- So...

it's all going okay here so far?

- Yes, there's been
the odd article.

Nothing too bad.
Mind you, we haven't opened yet.

If it wasn't going well,

if things got bad,

would you be okay?

- Even if all the religious
leaders in the world

denounce you,
I'll be there for you.

- Thank you.

- Until we die,

when I'll go to heaven,
and you'll be in hell.

- That's nice.
- Oh, I'm joking!

It's a joke.

- It's not a very funny joke.

- Terry would have
found it funny.

Terry's got a terrific
sense of humor.

- Can I have a cuddle?

- Oh, of course you can.

- Oh, God, gently, love!

- Sorry.

Sorry.

- I just came from Wildlife.

Shall we begin?

- Right! Listen up.

I'm in charge.

This is the office for
Friday Night, Saturday Morning?

- Yes.

- Good. Well, listen up.

I know you were all expecting
to be working with Trevor,

and I'm sure you were terribly
saddened by his sudden death,

but I'm in charge now,
and he's history.

Moving on.

Point two-that was point one-

Point two.

I don't care what you
think you were doing before.

You're not doing that now.

You, what did you think
you were doing?

- A chat show?

- Wrong!

Chat shows are bullshit.

I don't want to make
a chat show.

People chatting? Uh-uh.

Boring. People talking?

Now you're talking.

- I'm not sure I follow.

- I want this show to be about
where Britain's at today.

The '60s were all free love,
anything goes.

The '70s were
No Sex Please, We're British,

and everything's a downer.

We're about to head
into a new decade.

What will the Britain
of the future be like?

Will it be prim

or full of quim?

- Oh, dear God.

- You! Bring me a chair.

- So how are you going
to do all that

on what will essentially be

something quite like
a chat show?

. Okay-

Uh, random example.

We have a homeless guy.

- What?
- Hear me out, big man.

We have a homeless guy on
the same show as the Queen.

- Oh, right-Really?

- No, it's just an example.

I'm showing you what's possible.

I'm reaching into your tiny mind

and opening the doors
of the TARDIS.

It's a police box. Whoosh!

No it's not. It's Narnia.

You!

I want you to build me a set

that looks like I've dropped
acid in Hawaii.

Oh, yeah.

I'm out there.

It's gonna be like
when Dylan went electric.

That's what's happening,
so boo me, beardy,

or get on board.

- Sorry, who are you?

- Well, I'm Alan Dick.

I'm the new BBC Head of Talk.

- So, uh, I'm confused.

It's my first day.

Do I answer to you,

or do I work for the producer,
lain Johnstone?

- You answer to me.

- Oh.
- I know.

Brilliant, isn't it?

- All these 'orrible bags.

I dunno.

Oh!

This is a bit of script
from Life of Brian.

This looks like
it might be quite offensive.

I should pass this on to someone

who might find it
even more offensive.

- All right, Desmond,
the usual, is it?

- Yes, please, Keith,

and a pint of mild, thanks.

Arse! Balls! Prickshit!

- No problem.

- There's your pint of lager.
- You can keep the change.

- Ah, cheers. Grand.

- Sam tells me you've got news
on the Life of Brian.

- Prepare to be blown away...

I'm not queer!

- Where did you get
hold of this?

- A man found it
out walking his dog.

- You didn't steal it, did you?
- No, no.

A man really did find it
while out walking his dog.

Wanker!

- Is it real?

- I did it with stencils!

I didn't.

- I've got a friend
who is a comedy writer

and a committed Christian.

- Really?

- I know. It's odd, isn't it?

Anyway, I'll show him this,

and if he can verify
it's 100% genuine,

we can get the ball rolling.

- Balls!

Sorry.

- Well, I suppose
congratulations are in order.

Well done, Desmond. Cheers.

- Scrotums! Cheers.

Banjo fucker!

- The bad language...
- ls it, is it-are you...

- The doctor suggested
seeing a therapist.

- That's a bit American,
isn't it?

- Yank me! It is a bit.

- The irony is,
a few hundred years ago,

someone like me
would probably have

someone like you
burnt at the stake

for being possessed by demons.

- That's not very nice.

Bell-end!

- What about this?

We get Harold Wilson.

- Harold Wilson
the former Prime Minister?

Okay, I can work with that.

- Yeah, Harold Wilson...

and a bin man.

Yeah, and we ask them
the same question.

Why is this country such a mess?

- But the bin men are on strike.

- No, you're right.

Shit idea. Fuck it. Bin it.

It's gone. It's history.
Moving on.

You! Any ideas?

Too slow. Forget it.

Yes?

- I didn't say anything.

- What about Life of Brian?

Did you see that news report
about the U.S. opening?

- Ah, yes, now, good,
because lain suggested-

- Okay, for the UK premiere,
we get the Pythons versus...

the Pope.

- The Pope? The actual Pope?

- Yeah, try the Pope. Aim high.

Start there
and work your way down.

- How about bishops?

- Bishops.

Fantastic.

I love bishops.

I can just imagine it.

- What have the Christians
ever given us?

- Well...

a moral code, charity,
good works,

inspiration,

a countervailing
and oppositional force

against the evils of capitalism.

- Yeah, apart from that,

what have the Christians
ever given us?

- Christian names?
- Mm-hmm.

- Yeah, yeah. Very useful.

- Yeah,
obviously Christian names.

Apart from that, what have
the Christians ever given us?

- Hot cross buns?

- Yes, I can see it now.

It'll be like one
of their sketches, hilarious.

- Do you want it to be funny,

or do you want it to be
a proper debate?

- I want it to be
a proper debate...

that is also funny...

and moving...

and edgy.

And I want it to win a BAFTA.

- I see.
- No, I'm serious!

This could be
the greatest TV show ever made.

Who else have we got
on that night?

- Paul Jones
and Norris McWhirter.

- Maybe not.

So who's heard about Sue Lawley?

Hmm?

- Now you've had a letter
off the BBC asking

if you want go on
Friday Night, Saturday Morning

to do a debate on Brian
with some religious types.

- Is there any money in it?

- Uh, no.

- On.

- I don't really want to do
anything for the BBC any more.

I got so bored and fed up
on Flying Circus

of them wanting us
to rework our scripts,

telling us.

"Uh, you can only have
three 'shits' or a 'bugger."'

Ridiculous rule.

Who came up with that, anyway?

- That was the BBC's
Head of Rude Words.

Lovely chap.

Used to get terribly
embarrassed though.

- So this is a list of the words

the sample group
found most offensive.

Yes.

Cunt.

So sorry.

Motherfucker.

- Is that two words?

- I think it's just the one.

- Right.

Then comes "fuck."

Good old fuck.

No. Sorry.

Moving on.

Cock sucker.

Shit.

We are now over the worst.

Bastard.

Tits.

Winky woo.

- Maybe you could
just give me the list?

- Good idea.

I could have done it
in the first place.

Saved this whole...

SCENE.

- So do we have a decision
on the show?

- What do you think?
- Fine by me.

I'm happy to plug the film.

- No. Absolutely not.

I forbid it.

- Why?
- Because.

- 'Cause what?
- No.

- Do you want to elaborate
on that position?

- We don't need
to explain ourselves.

It's all in the film.

- Well, look.
- I've got to tell them something.

I know you've got to do
your little vote thing,

so shall we just skip to that?

- All those in favor
of boycotting,

say, "Fuck Auntie Beeb."

Pi.

Right.

We're all on Mike's side,
are we?

Yes.

- Why?

Because he is
the nicest man in the world?

- Pretty much.
- Yup.

- So do you want to change
your mind, John?

- No.

- All right then, so you're
not unanimous, are you?

- No.

And we have to be unanimous.
Thus, I win.

- Does that make
you happy, love?

- No.

- Okay, I've had it verified.

It's as real as
the Turin Shroud.

- Oh, that is b-b-b-b-

- Bollocks!

- Brilliant? Yes, I know!

And if this is the route
that Python are taking,

then who knows what else
could be in the film?

- Tits!

- Probably.

Now, I've given it some thought,

and what we don't want is
to give them free publicity

or turn them into martyrs.

So I'm suggesting
a back-door approach.

- Gaylord!

- So w-w-w-w-w...

- What's the plan?

Well, we lobby the BBFC
and urge them

to think of the consequences of
allowing the film to be shown.

- Oh, you know w-w-what else
we could do?

W-w-w-we could ask people
to pray,

You know,
just let God sort it out.

- Yes.
- Could do.

- Let's not rely on that though.

Okay, everyone.

Let's get out there
and spread the word.

- Marmite!

- Right. Come on!

- They turn the crucifixion
into a song-and-dance number.

- They ridicule
the Sermon on the Mount.

- You see Jesus' willy.

- Apparently, if you watch
the film backwards,

it implies that Jesus
made the healthy sick

and went round blinding people.

- I heard they burn a puppy

in the belly
of a giant wicker kitten.

- Why?
- Exactly.

- That's fucked up.

- But, I mean, what if
we have overstepped the mark?

- Oh, hey, come on.

We all knew that Mary Whitehouse
and the Festival of Light

weren't gonna like it.

You worry too much.

- I can't help it. I do.

Why is that?

- Why do you worry about what
other people think?

Gee, I don't know.

Maybe it's because you're
the nicest man in the world.

- That's ridiculous.

Oh, excuse me, miss.

- Miss, you dropped this.
- Thank you.

John just likes saying that
as a dig.

- You see?
- What?

Morning, Bill.

Get yourself some lunch.

- Yeah, very well. Thanks.

- You're constantly doing
nice things.

- I really don't think
that's true.

- You're all self-deprecating
about it.

- I'm no more self-deprecating
than the next man.

- You're even self-deprecating
about being self-deprecating.

- Oh, great!
- What?

- I've trodden in some dog poop.

- Oh, Terry, I'm sorry.

That was probably my fault
for distracting you.

Have a tissue.

- It hasn't even come out yet.
- Sells papers.

- Hardly fair reporting, is it'?

- I'm not in the business
of fair reporting.

I'm in the business
of selling papers.

I notice you haven't
made fun of the Muslims.

- Why would we make fun
of the Muslims?

- Why not? You afraid of them?

- It's 1979.

No one in this country
knows anything about Islam.

No one's read the Koran.
Have you read the Koran?

- Yes.
- Y-have you?

- No.
- No.

And do you know why?

- Doesn't sell papers.

- Because this is
a Christian country

with a Christian heritage,

and we are brought up
within a Christian framework.

- Okay, imagine it's the future,

and there are 2 ½ million
Muslims living in Britain.

Would you make a film
about them then?

" No!"

That would still only be
4% of the population.

Assuming, of course,
the population had risen to,

let's say, 61 ½ million.

And I would still doubt,

given the general decline
in standards of education,

that your average Briton
would have read the Koran.

- That's just a cop-out.

- No, it isn't.

Christianity stands
as a metaphor

for all organized religions
and the abuse they're open to.

- You're just scared
of reprisals.

- Scared of reprisals?
- Scared of-

Hello. John Cleese here.

Sorry to interrupt.

Just wanted to point out

that this a fictional
representation of me

based loosely
on my Basil Fawlty persona.

- Oh, please, Mr. Fawlty!

Please! You breaking my head!

- In real life,
I'm a lovely man.

- Oh, a dolly,
thank you, that is so nice.

- So there you have it.

Just to reiterate, John Cleese,

in real life,
absolutely tremendous chap.

Thanks for listening.

- Yes, I'm very well.

Hang on a moment, please.

Michael!

Michael!

It's your mum for you.

- Hello, Mum.

- Michael,
have you seen the news?

About all these protests?

- Yes, Mum.

- I'm really worried, Michael.

I'm worried sick.

I can't tell you
how worried I am.

It's so worrying.

Oh, that's the door.
I've got to go.

- Bye then, Mum.

- I want the Pythons!

- We've asked them already,
and they said no.

- Oh, all right, so what?

We just give up?

No, this is
Friday Night, Saturday Morning.

I'm not here to make bland TV.

I want to make
something memorable.

I want people to come in
to work the next day

and talk about the show as
they stand around the water jug.

I want a water jug moment.

I'm creating
water jug television.

- What?

- What if people don't have
a water jug?

- And the next day
is a Saturday.

Most people don't work
on a Saturday.

- Shut up!

I want the Pythons,
so get me the bloody Pythons.

- Barbara Dixon is available.

The Two Ronnies
don't need her this week.

- Good.

Barbara Dixon is the closest
this country has to a true star.

And she's totty.

Very classy totty.

- So Barry here has asked me
to outline a defense

if a religious group tries
to get the film banned

for being blasphemous.

But before I do that...
can I just say,

huge fan.

Moving on.

The basis of the case
we would make

in that eventuality is that,
uh...

Is that Brian and Jesus
are two different people,

and that Jesus appears

as a separate character
in the film.

- So that's a robust defense,
is it'?

You're confident that will work?

- Uh, no.

It's a bit of a punt,
to be honest,

but, uh, let's hope it works,

because I don't want
to be the man

who sent the Pythons to prison!

- Right, yes.

And that's it, is it?

Fingers crossed? Touch wood?

Say a prayer?

- Afraid so.

Um, and I hate to say this
because I am a fan,

but, um, you did sort of
bring this on yourselves.

- I beg your pardon?

- Well, the blasphemy laws
remained unused

for about 60 years,

but about two years ago,

a poem was published
in Gay News, which-

which I believe Graham here
was instrumental in setting up.

- Well, I am gay.

I like news,

and it's very good
for film reviews.

- Yeah, fuck the film reviews.

What was the poem about?

- Um, it was a poem
about a Roman soldier

sticking things
into Jesus's stigmata

while he was on the cross

and becoming aroused by that.

- What?

Who the fuck would write a poem
about a soldier

sticking his knob in
a crucified man's spear wounds?

- I've had an idea for a poem.

- Is it about wound fucking?

- Yeah.
- Sounds good.

I'm writing a novel
about a dysfunctional family

in a Northern mining town.

- Really?
- No, I'm kidding.

It's actually about
a really hot guy

who likes to jizz over guys
in a burns unit.

- Oh, my God.
- That sounds amazing.

- It's actually very moving.

- Mary Whitehouse
didn't like the poem.

- No shit.

- And the upshot was,
she prosecuted Gay News,

and that reactivated
the blasphemy laws.

- And you lot knew about this?

- Oh, yes, they contributed
to the Gay News fighting fund,

which is a principled stand
I really admired.

Big fan of that.

Although, wearing my Q.C.'s
hat-or wig-

um, I would say
it was unhelpful.

Or to put it in the words
of my nine-year-old grandson,

"Jo-ey!"

No.

No, see, I thought
that would be quite funny.

- Whoa! Epic fail!

"Dear BBC,"

"the Joey Deacon reference"

"in Holy Flying Circus
is inexcusable."

"The story is set in 1979,"

"and Mr. Deacon did not appear
on Blue Peter until 1981."

"Therefore, a nine-year-old
would be unlikely"

"to be aware of his existence,"

"unless you're implying
he was a relative or neighbor,"

"which I doubt."

"Also, the sub-Python
self-referential"

"quasi-avant garde
posturing bullshit sucks arse."

New»

"hairy...

"nana...

arse."

- Come in!

Yeah, I want a three-part series
about canals,

a documentary about
Scandinavian jazz,

and some old footage of a barge.

That's all
we're gonna be showing

for the next six months.

- Um, we've had a complaint.

- Oh... oh...

Do you know what I like
about BBC Four'?

Nobody gives a fuck.

D'you like to dance, Lowry'?

Dance for me, Lowry.

♪♪

- Ah, you're here
about Life of Brian?

- Yes. Oh, uh, Barry Atkins.

I'm representing the film.

- Andrew Thorogood.

I'm here protesting
about the film.

- Oh. This is John.

- Yes, I know who he is.

- I'm Michael.
- I know who you are.

- So should we duke it out
right here?

- I don't like conflict.

Just here to register
our feelings.

- So what's the damage, Jim?

- Well, we're giving it a AA.

- A AA? On what grounds?

In what way is that film
suitable for a 14-year-old?

- There's no sex.

- There are buttocks.

- There's no violence.

- People are crucified.

- And there's no "C" -word.

- What about the 'B"-word?

- Bastard or bugger?

- Blasphemy.

This could undermine

a 14-year-old's faith
in Christianity.

- In our view, it's just
a bunch of silly jokes.

Very good ones, though.

- Thanks very much.
- Good? Bloody brilliant.

- I see.

In that case,
I shall have to take this up

with a higher authority.

- Who's that then, God?

- No. The council.

- Could you sign these for me?

- Certainly.

It would be a pleasure.

- What did he mean
about the council?

- Oh, the BBFC is only advisory.

Local councils can have
the final say

over what films are shown,

and they can reclassify films

if they don't like our rating.

- You're kidding.

- I kid you not.

- Right. Okay.

The BBFC have given it a AA.

- Oh, that is a sh-sh-sh...

- Shitbucket!

- A shame.

So what now?

- We write to local councils
asking them

to ban Life of Brian.

- ♪ Dun-dun-duuuuuun! ♪

- Or reclassify it as an X.

- Eczema!

- Maybe if the B-B-B-B-B-B-B-

B-B-B-B-B-

Maybe if they think it's okay,

then m-m-maybe it is okay.

- They make fun of the Lord,
and you think that's okay,

do you, Gareth?

- N-n-n-n.
- Good.

That's the end
of the discussion.

- Yes, b-b-b-b-

- Quite all right.
No need to apologize.

- Cunt!

- Oh, fuck.

Some councils are definitely
going to ask

for an X certificate.

So my question to you all
is this:

Are you happy
to take an X certificate

and at least get the film
seen by some people?

No.

- They show it with
the BBFC certificate,

or they don't get to show it
at all.

We can't give in to censorship.

- So you'd rather censor
yourselves?

Yes.

- It's half logical, half silly.

- Out of interest,
how much revenue will we lose?

- 50%? Maybe more.

- All those in favor of
refusing the X certificate,

say, "Eric is
a money-grabbing bastard."

Eric is
a money-grabbing bastard.

- Eric is
a money-grabbing bastard.

- All right. I'll let Doug know.

- I know various churches
are writing to their members

to ask them to put pressure
on their councils for a boycott.

Let's just hope that our
politicians do the right thing

and don't act out
of cowardly self-interest.

- ♪ Soldiers of Christ arise ♪

- Front bottom!

- ♪ And put your armor on ♪

♪ For His eternal son ♪

♪ Strong in the Lord of hosts ♪

♪ And in His mighty power ♪

♪ P-P-D-power ♪

- Oh, shit.

- Hello.

I thought you didn't like
conflict.

- We are merely
peacefully protesting,

exercising our right
to free speech.

- Right.

Thank you so much.

Piss off.

- You expecting anyone?

- No.

- Hello.

Can I talk to you
about Life of Brian?

- Yes, but can I talk to you
about Life of Brian?

- Great. Ca-what?

- No, never mind.

- We'd like you to sign
our petition to help

get Life of Brian banned.

- I don't think
it should be banned.

- We believe it's evil
and should be banned.

- Would you like to come in
and discuss it?

- No. Nothing to discuss.

It's blasphemous,
and it should be banned.

Can you sign our petition?

- Can you explain to me
why it should be banned?

- Look, you're wasting my time.

I have other people to talk to
who want to sign my petition.

- Well, don't you think
it's worth talking over?

Maybe you can persuade me
to sign?

Maybe I'll persuade you
why people shouldn't sign?

- Are you trying
to brainwash me?

- No, I just want to have
a conversation with you.

- There's no conversation
to be had.

Do you want to sign my petition?

- No.
- Why not?

- 'Cause I'm not convinced
the film should be banned.

- Why not?

Did you write it?

- Uh, yes.

- Oh, I see.

You're one of them.

- It's not
Invasion of the Body Snatchers.

- Deny it if you can.
- You're one of them.

- Why would I deny it?
- I just told you.

- You can't. You can't deny it.

- I don't want to deny it!

- You see!

- I do see,
'cause I just told you.

- You're one of them!

- God, are we still on this?

Yes, I am one of them.

- So will you sign
my petition or not?

- No.
- Why not?

- Oh...

- We want to have a debate
about the Life of Brian.

- Well, that sounds tremendous.

- And we wondered if you,

the People's Church
of St. Sophia,

would like to come on the show?

- Us?

On the show?

I don't think
that's a very good idea.

- Why not?

- Well, I can't.

I don't like conflict.

- What about you two?

- N-n-n-n-n-n...

- That's a no.

- Y-y-y-y-y-y...

y-y-y-y-y-y...

- That's a yes.
- As in yes, it's a no.

He has a stammer.

- And you, Desmond?

Would you like
to come on the show?

- Come on, speak up!

- I had no idea
he was going to say that.

I had n-Really, I had no idea.

- I've had that
Friday Night, Saturday Morning

on the phone again.

Want to know
if you've changed your minds.

The exact words were, "being as
it's all gone tits-up."

- No, there's no point.

Everyone's made their
mind up their minds already.

We can't persuade anyone.

- I think we should.

- You said no before.

- No, I didn't.
- Yes, you did.

- No, I didn't.

- Well, you said yes.

So I've changed my mind.

- Oh, so you're just
being contrary.

- No, I'm not.

No, I'm really not.

I think we can persuade people.

We are intelligent men, hmm?

Well, you might struggle
with your flabby Oxford minds.

No danger of that with our
sharper Cambridge intellects.

And I for one think it is vital
we exercise our right

to free speech
to defend free speech.

- No. Everyone's entrenched.

It's utterly futile.

- Fuck!
- We can't have spunked it.

There must be something
we can do.

- Try their agent again.
- Not gonna happen.

- All right. We ring Ken.

We get the 9:00 news
to pump up the story

even bigger so
they have to defend themselves.

- You can't do that.

- Or we send them death threats.

- That's not very nice.

- Someone will do it.
- I'm sure they will.

- All right.

- We send them a shit in the post.
- What?

- Something to rile them,
stir them into action.

- No, I don't want to do that.

- Shh.
- No, lain said-

- Shh.
- Don't tell me to-

- Shh.

- But I.
- Shh!

- And what did the police say'?

- They said,
"Can you think of anyone

who might want
to send you feces?"

- What did you say to that?

- I said, "Yes. Jesus."

"Anyone who likes Jesus.

"Businessmen, philosophers,

"upper class twits, Australians,

"women, TV presenters,

"Alan Whicker, The Beatles,

"Yorkshiremen,

"anyone who works
in the production

"or marketing of Spam,

"men who say 'Nudge nudge, '

"knights who say 'Ni!, '

"and anyone who doesn't like
jokes about ocelots.

You know, Officer. The usual."

- So what did you actually say'?

I said, "Have you tried",

"Derek 'So Mad
He Shits In A Box' McNee

at Number 24?"

- What did you actually say'?

- I said "No." You happy now?

I said,
"No, I do not know anyone

"who hates me enough
to send me poo in the post,

apart from the other Pythons."

- And what did they say'?

- They said,
"Nothing we can do, I'm afraid,

unless someone threatens you
or attacks you."

- Oh, for fuck's sake!

And they can't trace it?

- No, to be fair to them,

it's not like there was
a trail of shit

leading out the door to a man
trying to do up his trousers.

- And they can't do anything
forensic?

- No, each shit is not unique.

They're not fingerprints.

- Some of them
can be quite swirly.

- Yes,

but we cannot identify people
from their shit.

Shits do not look
like their owners,

which is lucky, really,

otherwise we'd have old ladies
standing round lavatories,

cooing,
"Ooh, it's the spit of you."

- Hello, Barry.

Have you heard
about Eric's shit in a box?

- Oh, right, you've had one too?

- Yeah, we've had some here.

Now, look,
while I've got you all here,

I've been told that in the light
of the current situation,

I need to ask you all
to make wills.

- It's just shit, Barry.

I think the worst
that can happen

is we go blind, isn't it?

- Yeah, we've also had
death threats...

- What?

- Oh, it's just jokes
for fuck's sake.

- What happened to sticks
and stones may break my bones,

but names can never hurt me?

- I told you!

What did I say, huh?

The great British public
are fucking bastards.

- It's a bit apocalyptic,
isn't it?

A third part of the sea
became blood,

and people didst shit into a box

and threaten to kill thy comedy
performers for no good reason.

- Look, do you want
to back down?

You could withdraw the film
like Kubrick did

with, um, Clockwork Orange.

All right,
don't answer that now.

Maybe just go away,
have a think about it,

talk to your families.

- All those in favor
of maintaining

our zero-tolerance stance
to censorship,

say "Mrs. Niggerbaiter."

Mrs. Niggerbaiter.

- You seem worried.

- How can you tell?

- Well, you're pacing,
which you don't normally do,

and you're smoking,
which you don't normally do.

- Well, I admit I am worried.

- You can't take it personally.

- How can I not take it
personally?

They're burning an effigy of me
in my own garden.

That's just weird.

- Close the window, darling.
- It smells of burning you.

- This is ridiculous.
- How did this get so out of hand?

- I think it's because
you made that film

making fun of their religion.

- Maybe I should go on
Friday Night, Saturday Morning.

Would that help?

- Don't ask me, darling,

I'm just a pretty face.

- What if it just makes
things worse?

Just fans the flames?

- Sorry!
- We set fire to your tree.

- Oh, for God's sake.

- Can I just say

it's been a tremendous honor
for me

to help prepare your wills,
and, um...

well, as well as getting your
signatures,

I wondered if I could
also get your autographs?

Wrong time?

Wrong time. Sorry.

- Terry says
you've had to make a will.

- It's just a precaution, Mum.

- It's nothing to worry about.
- Oh, no.

Why would I worry about my son
making fun of religion

and being murdered by a fanatic?

No, I won't be losing any
sleep over that one.

It's perfectly normal.

My friend, Elaine,
her son's just been stabbed

for pulling a face
at a Buddhist.

Happens all the time.

- Honestly, Mum.

They've just done it
to cover themselves.

Besides, if the protestors
wanted to kill anybody,

it would probably be John.

He's the annoying one.

- Did you make a proper will?

Or have you promised to leave
all your money to a penguin

and a rickshaw to a Spaniard?

- No, it's a proper will.

- So it is a proper will.
- So I should be worried.

What are you trying to do,
Michael, hmm?

Are you willy-waving at Jesus?

- Shh!
- Mum, we're in a restaurant.

- Why make fun of religion?

- We're not,
and even if we were...

is that so bad?

- Look how much
you're upsetting people.

Now, you might think
they're stupid people

or priggish people,
but they're real people.

Why are their thoughts
and feelings

less important than yours?

- Why are my feelings
less important than theirs?

- Oh...

I just don't understand why
you're doing this, Michael.

I want to understand.

I just don't.

- There we go.

I've changed my mind
about the debate.

I think we should do it.

- Why?

- Because this is getting
out of hand.

We've got an orchestrated
campaign against us.

We've been banned
by 39 local councils.

We're only opening
in one cinema.

People who work for us
are getting death threats,

and there are people outside
right now

praying that we withdraw
the film and renounce our sins.

- Renounce your sins!

. Go away!

You're sinister
and intimidating!

We are not sinister
or intimidating!

We are merely following
you and watching you,

like the Lord is watching you.

Always and forever.

- I'm Spartacus!

Wanker!

- We've got to stick up
for ourselves.

If we don't stand up
for ourselves,

who's going to stand up
for all the other comedians

who come after us?

Got to make a stand to allow
funny men and women everywhere

to make jokes about murder
and rape and projectile vomiting

and handicapped kiddies
and Mohammed in a bear suit

and-l don't know-

Olympic swimmers
with faces like spoons.

- Mike's got a point.

- I agree. You should do it.

- No. No way.

Not at all. I'm out.

- Oh, please, John.
- I know you love being contrary.

- No, I don't.

- But on this, can't you see?

It's them we should be
disagreeing with,

not each other.

- I think you should do it.

You and John.

- And why us, pray tell?

- Because you're good
at shouting at people

and being enormously sarcastic,

and Mike's the nicest man
in the world.

You're the perfect team.

I can't do it, 'cause Christians
and homosexuals

can't be
in the same room together.

We're their natural predators.

Terry G. Can't do it,
'cause he's American,

and I think that deep down,

none of us like
or trust Americans.

No offence, Terry.

- Screw you, ass-monkey.

- Terry J. Can't do it
because he'll just prattle on

about the camera angles.

And Eric won't do it
because they won't pay him.

- Exactly.
- So you two have to do it.

All those in favor,
say Christ on a gondola.

Christ on a gondola.

- Come on, John.

You can shout at a man
in a dress.

It'll be like doing
the show again.

- I thought you said
there was no point,

that everyone
had made up their mind.

- I spoke to my mum.

She said she doesn't understand
why we've done it.

Said she wants to,
but she doesn't.

I think there might be other
people like that out there.

- And is this about them,
or about you and your mum?

- Oh, please, John.

I'm asking nicely.

- Well, you would, wouldn't you?

- Fine. Fine.

No, don't do it.

I'll do it myself.

- No, fine. Fine.

I can't let you have
all the fun.

I'll do it.

Christ on a gondola.

Christ on a gondola.

- Oh, sorry, love.

- Was Terry there tonight?

- Yes.

- I like Terry.

He's my favorite.

- John's coming round tomorrow.

Homework. For the debate.

- You sure it's a good
idea to do that show?

- Why?

- Well, what if
the debate doesn't go okay?

What if it makes things worse?

- Then we'll move to Mexico
and change our names.

I'll start a new life
as Miguel Palinez

and work
as a guacamole inspector.

- Well, don't expect me
to go with you.

- Hey, I thought you said

that even if all the religious
leaders of the world

denounced me, you'd stick by me?

- I just don't want
to see you get murdered

by some sort
of religious maniac.

You put that away.

- What?

- We got the Pythons!

Cleese and Palin confirmed
this morning!

- Yes!

Whoo! One-nil!

Kempes!

Bloody brilliant!

Come here and give me a hug!

- I don't want
to give you a hug, Alan.

- Come on. Give me a hug!

So how did we do it?

- I asked lain. He knows them.

I told you that.

- lain...

- lain. Lain Johnstone.

- Never heard of him.

So who's heard about
Frank Bough?

- You know, sometimes I truly
despise this country.

The descent into yobbery
goes on unabated.

Do you know I just saw

two teenagers
spitting in the street?

Do you think they know
that's how TB spreads?

Of course they don't.

Do they care?

No.

I blame the Tories.

Things would be a lot different

if the Lib Dems were in power,
that's for sure.

- The Lib Dems?

No such thing as the Lib Dems.

- Don't you mean the Liberals?
- Shh.

- So I've been doing
a spot of homework.

- Right. Crikey.

Someone's taking it all
very seriously.

- Any idea who we're up against?

- Funny you should ask that.

Not a clue.

- So who are we
gonna put 'em up against?

- Well, I still think we can
still get a couple of bishops.

- Two bishops?
- No, it's way too dry.

About as dry as a dry-roasted
peanut up a dead nun's noo-noo.

No, we need a comedy-type
person on.

You know there are comedy people
who are Christian.

- Really?
- I know.

Weird, isn't it?

What about Malcolm Muggeridge?

- Malcolm Muggeridge?

The hard-drinking,
chain-smoking,

womanizing Malcolm Muggeridge?

- Yeah, the hard-drinking,
chain-smoking,

womanizing,
born-again Malcolm Muggeridge.

- It says here
he's famously contrary.

His maxim is, "Only dead fish
swim with the stream."

- Great.

Whatever happens,
he'll be dynamite TV.

- Are you sure you want
this guy on the show?

- Yes. He'll bring gravitas.

- Look, he used to do comedy.

Now he does religion.

And he likes to go on TV
and say shit

that he knows
will wind people up.

He could only be better
if he had tits like Cleo Rocos

and did the splits
like Nadia Comaneci.

- But what if-
and I'm ignoring that last bit-

what if he ends up siding
with the Pythons?

According to this, he was in
a similar situation once.

There was some big outcry
about an article he wrote.

- The hell were you thinking?

- Have you read it?

- I don't need to read it,
Malcolm,

it's called, "Does England
Really Need A Queen?"

You might as well
have called it,

"I Think It's Acceptable
To Masturbate Into Marmalade".

What the bloody hell
were you thinking about, man?

- Fuss over nothing.

I said practically
the same thing

in another piece
about two years ago.

- Well, that's as maybe,

but no one complained
about that one.

They are complaining
about this one

because they find it offensive

and quite rightly so.

- How can it possibly be
offensive?

It's only a thought.

- I hear Beaverbrook's
cancelling your contract.

- Apparently.

- Well, I'm sorry to hear that,
Malcolm,

but you've brought
this on yourself.

We have to let you go.

It's the BBC, for God's sake.
We've got certain standards.

No hard feelings?

- Towards you?

Not at all.

- Good. Come on.

- I've shagged his wife.

- Who? Marjorie?

- No, Olivia.

- That's my wife.

- Oh, then I've shagged
your wife.

Sorry about that.

Lovely woman though.

Makes a wonderful breakfast.

- Maybe he'll side
with the Pythons.

Maybe not.
That's the beauty of it.

The guy's totally unpredictable.

He's a riddle wrapped
in a mystery inside a...

shit.

Maybe he'll argue with
the Pythons and the bishop,

and we get a three-way
fist fight.

Love it.

Post me my BAFTA.

- Okay, I'm the bishop.

- Right.

- Why have you deliberately set
out to offend people of faith?

- Uh, well, Bishop,

it wasn't our intention to
deliberately offend Christians

or to be blasphemous.

- I totally disagree with that.

- Sorry,
is that you in character,

or are you talking as you?

- No, I'm talking as me.

Talk to Graham about it.
Ask him what he thinks.

He's not that keen on Christians

because they're not that keen
on homosexuals.

- See, I don't think
we intended to be offensive

just for the sake of it.

- There's nothing wrong
with being offensive.

It's part of life.

If you get offended, so what?

In a way, it's a good thing.

It tells you
you're still alive at least.

Why can't I say things
to offend you, hmm?

Why can't I say
I don't like your hair?

Or your wife looks like a man
and makes fucking awful soup.

What is the worst
that could happen?

- Hello, John.

- Oh, hello.

Sorry, didn't realize
you were, uh...

- Cup of tea?

I can put the kettle on,

although I don't think
it'll suit me.

- Oh.

Very good! Very good.

Well done.

Most amusing.

Tres amusant.

No, we're fine, thank you.

Most kind of you to ask.

We're-we're-we're-we're fine.

- Sure I can't
I get you anything?

Glass of cordial?

Spot of soup?

- No, we're fine. Thank you.

Although your soup
is always delightful.

Right. Where was I?

- Um...
- Being offensive.

- Being offensive.
- Yes, thank you.

What is the worst
that could happen, hmm?

You'll stop talking to me?
Heaven forfend!

What will probably happen?

You'll be upset for a bit
and then forget about it.

What's the best that can happen?

Maybe you'll think
"John's got a point.

"My wife does look like a man,

"and her soup does taste
fucking awful.

Maybe I should leave her."

- I've been able to keep
my marriage together, thanks.

- Oh, well, that's the spirit!

Besides, we haven't
been offensive, Mike.

People just like complaining.

The British love complaining.

Complaining about the weather,

complaining about
the government,

the fucking darkies,
the fucking queers,

Noel fucking Edmonds
and his Multi-Cunting Swap Shop.

When it comes to the British,

you can't please any
of the people any of the time.

And you know why they like
complaining so much?

Maybe it's because deep down,

they know
there is no fucking God,

and it takes their mind off
the fact

that their lives
are a pathetic sham

that won't amount to
a hill of shitty beans.

- You going to be like this
on the TV?

- Yes, I am.

- So what about our bishop?

He can't be too serious,
but he can't be too flippant.

How will we find
the best bishop?

Mm... no.

No. Nope.

Ah-Ooh, no.

Him. He's perfect.

- Are you sure?
- Oh, yes.

He's absolutely mad.

- You know what?

We should just go on this show
and make fun of God.

- Yeah.
- Yeah, that would be helpful.

- What if the Christians
just attack us?

- It's a rational argument.
- It's a debate.

- I think we go on the attack.

"Bishop, you work
for an organization

"that is closely associated
with kiddie fiddling.

"Where do you stand
on the issue of child rape?

Good Christian behavior?"

- Yes, that's helpful, John.
- Thanks.

- Well, let's not
take it too seriously.

We could go on in fancy dress.

I could go dressed as Christ.

You can go dressed as Satan.

We could both go dressed
as Mary.

Or babies wearing nappies.
Or apostles wearing nappies-

and bondage gear.

- No, you've got to take
this seriously, John.

There are people working for us
who have had death threats.

- Well, they're not important.

They're the little people.

They're expendable.

- What?

- Rm joking.

- It's not very funny.

- I think it is.

- I don't think it is.

You've gone too far.

- No, I haven't.

And even if I had,
you could pretend I hadn't.

You can ignore me.

Or you could stop
being my friend.

- Oh, God, you're difficult.

- No, I'm not.

- Yes, you are.

- Right. That's it.

Enough is enough.

- It doesn't have to be
like this.

- I look inside you, Palin,
and all I see is weakness.

- I look inside you,
and I see hatred.

- Give in to hatred.

Hating things is funny.

- No, never!

" No!"

- I'd rather be nice.

Sorry. No offense.

- Stop being nice,
you soppy bastard.

That's it, run away!

Run away from the fight,
you big chicken!

- You all right, John?
- Hang on, I'm coming.

- Got you!

- Bloody BBC, they should
have had stunt men for this.

- Who won?
- No idea.

- You should
have storyboarded it.

- I did do a storyboard it,

but I left it by the window,
and it blew away.

- Yeah, well, maybe shut
the fucking window.

- I know but it added
an interesting visual texture.

- I'll just see you at TV Centre
tomorrow then, shall I?

- John, what are you
going to say on the show?

- Well, I'm going to talk about

how Fawlty Towers is much
funnier than Ripping Yarns.

- Seriously, John.

- I'm going to be
as offensive as possible.

- This is important, John.

This isn't just the future
of comedy we're arguing for.

This is free speech.

- Oh, I believe
in free speech, Mike.

That's why I can't
let you censor me.

That's why I'm going to say
whatever the fuck I like.

Arse!

Balls!

Prick!

Shit!

Thank you and good night.

♪ Balls and bugger
and shits and tits ♪

♪ And a whole lot of fanny ♪

- How did it go with John today'?

- He thinks I'm taking it
all too seriously.

- Mm-hmm.

And are you?

- I don't know.

What's more important
than making fun of things?

If we're not allowed
to make fun of things

that take themselves
too seriously,

how are we supposed to stop them
from taking over the world?

- And what happens

if the comedians take
themselves too seriously?

- Comedians are allowed to
take themselves too seriously

because they're special
and better than everyone else.

- Oh, really?
- Yes.

Oh, I can't think straight
anymore.

- Come to bed.
- You've done too much homework.

If you don't know
why comedians are better

than God now, you'll never know.

- I should probably do
a bit more prep, love.

- Fancy a bunk-up?

- Yeah, go on then.

- Do you ever think

that we're persecuting
the Pythons?

- No.

They're persecuting us.

- Thousands of films
get made every year.

So one happens to be
a comedy about religion.

Is that them focusing on us?

Or are we focusing on them?

Weirdo!

- Are you having a moment
of doubt, Doubting Desmond?

- No... Patronizing tit!

No. No.

Just playing devil's advocate.

Piss off!

- Desmond, swearing-

- Yes, yes. I am aware of it.

- Is it-
It's never deliberate, is it?

- Oh, no. No.

Liar! No.

- Good. Good.

Oh, not again.

- You're not the nicest man
in the world.

You're a very naughty boy.

I'm sorry!

I'm really sorry!

- Oh, hello. You're awake.

Um, this is awkward.

The thing is,
I really don't like conflict,

but you made fun of my
all-loving, all-forgiving God,

so I'm going to kill you.

Tent peg.

- God.

- You're still dreaming.

- And then Jesus popped up
on a piece of toast.

And then there was John

dressed in
a giant rabbit costume

saying, "You're still dreaming."

What does that mean?

- We've always been quite close,
haven't we?

- Yeah.

- Well, until this is all over,
just stay away from me.

- I'm still dreaming, aren't I?

- Yeah, you are.

Please stop staring at my penis.

It's disturbing.

- Probably shouldn't
have had that cheese.

- Tonight on
Friday Night, Saturday Morning,

Michael Palin and John Cleese
will debate the film.

The Life of Brian...

- You'll be all right.

You're quite good
at public speaking.

Cup of tea.

I have faith in you.

- Thanks, love.

- The film The Life of Brian
has just opened in London.

I have not seen it,

and I suppose
I am unlikely to do so.

However, members
will have seen the reviews

and will be aware that there is
a great deal of concern

throughout the country about it.

For the immediate future,

it will be up
to Christian people

and others
who share this concern

to ensure that in this case,
as in other cases

where it seems that a film
has been made

which devalues humanity
in their own areas,

the local viewing committee
is alerted to the need

to see the film
before it is publicly shown,

and having done so,

to take responsible decisions

as to whether and on what
conditions it should be shown.

- "Be sober, be vigilant,

"because thy adversary,
the devil, is a roaring lion,

walketh about,
seeking whom he may devour."

- Christ is seen very definitely
at the beginning.

Three wise men arrive...

I can rely on you,
can't I, John?

John!

- Sorry, miles away.

Wondering what
I might have for dinner.

What do you think? Fish?

- God,
you're a difficult bastard.

- Mike, don't say that.

Doesn't suit you.

You are the nicest man
in the world.

- And you're the most
disrespectful, disagreeable,

objectionable, obnoxious,

and annoying man in the world.

- That's right,

and I fought very hard
for that title.

Wasn't easy to wrest it away
from Michael Winner.

- John, this is important.

- Don't put so much pressure
on yourself.

- It's only a chat show.
- It's not though, is it?

This is about the future
of comedy.

It might even be about
the future of religion.

- Well, I wish I believed
we were that important,

Mike, but I don't.

- Well, if we're not,

why are so many people
protesting against us?

This must be Harry.

Try to be nice.

- Of course.

- Hi! Harry Balls.

- Lovely to meet you, Harry.

- Harry Balls! Jolly good!

- Thanks for agreeing
to come on the show.

- Who can resist Harry Balls?

Everyone wants to see
Harry Balls.

I have a-

- Can't think of anywhere
we'd rather be.

- Tell me,
will we be seeing Mr. Dick?

- Yes, he'll pop in.

- Will he? Will he indeed?

Well, I'll look forward to that.

- Right, shall we-

- Remind me.

Is Dick above Balls?

Hey!

Look who's here.

- The sacrificial lamb.

- It's M-m-monty Python!

- Famous!

- Don't be seduced.

So was Adolf Hitler
and Aleister Crowley.

- Who?
- What?

- Michael, John.

Alan Dick, Head of BBC Talk.

So looking forward to seeing
who's going to win this one.

Tim!

This is your host
for the evening,

Tim Rice.

- Hello, guys. Hi.

Wow, thanks so much
for coming on the show.

Listen, obviously,
my role is to be impartial.

But I just want to say,

I know exactly
what you're going through.

When we did Jesus Christ
Superstar in 1971,

it got accused of blasphemy.

Admittedly, I did
co-write it with Beelzebub.

Now, of course, it's the height
of respectability.

- I tell you what...

I wouldn't mind
having a hit musical.

That's got to be worth
a few quid, eh?

If only I had an idea for one.

- Well, you could always do
what we did

and lovingly rip off a story
that already exists.

So, John, will we be seeing
any Basil Fawlty tonight?

- Actually, Tim,
if you don't mind,

I'd rather you directed most
of your questions at Michael.

- Oh, right. Okay, yes.

Fine by me.

- We're ready.
- Okay.

See you in there.

- Um, what?

- Suddenly feel quite nervous
for some reason.

- What about me?

- Well, it's all right for you,
isn't it?

You draw confidence
from your spirituality.

- Malcolm Muggeridge.
- Good evening.

Good evening. Hello, hello.

- Wow, that is one big
motherfuckin' Bishop.

- Ah, Bishop. Alan Dick.

Let me introduce you
to your opponents.

John, Michael, this is a bishop.

- Best of luck for the show.

Break a leg, as they say.

- This is not the bishop
I wanted.

- lain said he'd be better.

- Who the fuck is lain?

- Are you expecting vampires?

- Come on, Joan.

You'll have to be funnier
than that.

You pompous arse.

I'll take that crucifix,
and garrote you with it.

Lovely cassock, Bishop.

Very flattering.

- Thank you, Joan.

You're too kind.

- Ready to go?

- So remember,

the key points are
we didn't kill Jesus.

That was the Jews.

Gonna get angry with anyone,
blame the Jews.

Plus the MONTYPYTHONSCRAPBOOK
available now

in all good bookshops.

- How do we look?

- Good.
- Fine.

- Shit scared.

- We should probably be going.

- Okay, let's shake a leg,
people.

Let's smash the arse off of it.

- Cue titles.

- ♪ Friday night ♪

♪ Saturday morning ♪

♪ By yesterday's dawn ♪

♪ There's a weekend dawning ♪

♪ Friday night ♪

♪ Saturday morning at last ♪

- Do you know what?

I actually find these opening
credits quite offensive.

- Yes.

- As a woman.

- Yes.
- Yes, I knew what you meant.

- ♪ Friday night ♪

♪ Saturday morning at last ♪

- This is all a bit
heterosexual, isn't it?

- Yes, I rather like it.

- Please welcome
⅓ of Monty Python,

Michael Palin and John Cleese.

- Cracked.

BBC cutbacks.

- So why the name Brian?

- It's one the funny names,
isn't it?

Like Trevor or Kevin.

It's just funny.

- So you must have known
you were heading for

some criticism and controversy,

A, because you were well-known,

and B, because,
to put it mildly,

the subject matter
is quite well known.

- Yes but we...
- we wrote an awful lot

which was then just thrown away

because it was sort of

struggling too hard to be
sort of controversial or-

- Well, actually, I don't know
if I agree with that.

Because I don't know that we
were coming in

with stuff about Christ.

And we all started
writing around the edges.

All the people who arrived

five minutes after
the miracle being done.

- Come on, Tim.

No more Mr. Nicey-Ricey.

Poke them.

Prod them. Get a reaction.

- Weren't you in some
danger of splitting up?

Or at least there was
some internal conflict?

Did the film in fact
bring you closer together?

- Yes, I mean, I think it did.

After the Grail,
there was about a year

spent sort in the wilderness,
as it were.

- Also there was the stage
where we hated each other.

- We're ready for you now.

- I never hated you.

- If He calls, we must answer.

- Whatever any of the others
may say, I always liked you.

- Good luck, God bless.

- A-a-a-men.

- Hymen!

- What about your solo projects?

- Are there going to be any
more Ripping Yarns?

Any more Fawlty Towers?

- There'll be no more
Fawlty Towers, no.

- Okay, in a moment,
we'll be joined by two men

who don't usually review films.

- So this is it, then.

In the red corner,
organized religion,

the beliefs of billions,
and if He exists, God.

In the blue corner,

some men who like to get naked

and talk about moose
choreography.

Let battle commence.

- We're joined now
by Mervyn Stockwood,

the Bishop of Southwark,

and Malcolm Muggeridge.

- What do you think's going
to happen?

Who's going to win?

- Well, obviously,
I know already.

- Don't tell me!

I hate it when you tell me
how everything ends.

- Well, let's just say...

- I'm not listening!
- Not listening.

- You've turned the beer
into water, haven't you?

Christ! I wish you'd grow up.

- Bishop, what was your review?

- People have said to me,

"Bishop, you'll be horrified."

But I wasn't the vicar of the
University Church for nothing.

I am familiar
with undergraduate humor.

I'm also a governor
of a mentally-deficient school.

- Oh, I like this guy!

He's my kind of bishop!

Horrible.

- It's the sort of thing,
I'm sorry to say,

that at Cambridge,

the Footlights did
on a damp Tuesday afternoon,

or the lower fourth
when I was a schoolmaster.

- Strange.
- That's not very constructive.

- I thought this was supposed
to be a constructive debate.

- I wouldn't worry about it.

It's just a bit of banter,
innit?

- Why lampoon death?

I think this is the thing
that really worried me.

I don't think you'd make
a farce about Auschwitz.

- Good!

Always good to play
the Auschwitz card early.

- Yeah, he won't have any
trouble topping that later.

When I look at that figure,

I mean, I know you're going
to say that Brian isn't Jesus,

but, I mean,
that is just rubbish.

The whole thing is quite clear.

If Jesus hadn't lived,

that film would not have been
produced.

- Come on, Tim!
- Stir it up some more!

Call someone a shitbag.

Pull a face like a mong.

Kick the bishop.

- Oh, dear God.

- Could I just bring in Malcolm

and ask what your review
is like?

- Yes.

Um, remember that I was engaged
for four years

in the appalling task of trying
to make English people laugh

as editor of Punch.

It's almost
an impossible thing to do.

But I couldn't help feeling
enormous envy of the ease

with which this particular film
aroused laughter.

You simply had to use
a four-letter word

or display a man's private
parts in the window,

and the place fell on the ground
with laughter.

- What's wrong with that?
- Swearing is funny.

- Windows are funny.

- My genitals are funny.

- And that shot
was beautifully framed.

Even the framing was funny.

- Also, of course, I agree
entirely with the Bishop.

It's quite humbug

to say that this is not
a ridiculing

of the founder of the Christian
religion

and of the Incarnation

in an extremely cheap
and tenth-rate way.

- Rummenigge! Two-nil!

Great stuff.

Malcolm's even better
than the bishop.

- Don't just believe because
someone tells you to.

Someone in the
pulpit says something,

question it,
work it out yourself.

- Are you seriously suggesting
that someone who saw that film-

say a young kid who knew nothing

about the gospels
or about history-

that the figure of Christ
that would emerge from it

would be a noble one?

- Well, it's not supposed
to be about him,

so people shouldn't go
and see it to learn about him.

- Well, it's no good saying
it's not about him.

- I'm not being dishonest.

- You're being utterly
dishonest, my dear chap.

- They're n-n-not letting
the Pythons

h-h-have their s-s-s-say.

- Mouth Nazi!

- I am very confused
and perturbed by a religion-

an established religion,
in this country,

where people can go
into church on a Sunday morning,

and the same people
can sing hymns and say prayers,

and at the same time,

these people can stand by

while their money
is spent making bombs,

making guns.

Building up appalling
weapons of destruction-

they can sit by and-

- I would urge you not to make
careless generalizations

which are not dependent
on evidence.

- L-l make them in all humility.

- I think the Pythons
are on the ropes here.

- But I have observed people-

- Because what you're saying-
if I may say so-

is a great load
of sheer rubbish,

and you've made the most
ridiculous generalizations

which are unworthy
of an educated man.

- This whole thing is wrong.

Wong and weally,
weally repugnant.

- Your lisp is getting worse.

- It weally is.

- If you made that film
about Mohammed,

you see, there would be absolute
hullabaloo in this country.

The racial,
anti-racialist people

would rise up in their might.

The same people who
approve of this

would have thought it quite
disgraceful.

Behind people's minds
would be the thought

that they might lose
a bit of oil.

But you see the difference.

- 400 years ago.

We would have been burnt
for this film.

Now I'm suggesting
we've made an advance.

- I've never seen Mike
this angry.

This isn't good.

- This great drama
of the Incarnation,

you have reduced
to a sort of comic film.

You don't make people open

by producing
the sort of buffoonery

that you have produced.

- You keep making
the basic assumption

that we are ridiculing Christ
and Christ's teaching,

and I say we are not.

- Do you imagine
that your scene, for instance,

of the Sermon on the Mount
is not ridiculing

one of the most sublime
utterances

that any human being has ever
spoken on this earth?

Course it is.

- No.
- Absolutely not.

- No, it's making fun of the guy

who's remembered it wrong

and the people
who've missed the point.

- Christ is played
by an actor-Ken Colley.

He speaks the words
from the Sermon on the Mount.

He's treated absolutely
respectfully.

The camera then pans away,

right to the back of the crowd,

to someone
who shouts, "Speak up,"

because they cannot hear him.

Now if that utterly undermines
my faith in Christ, then I-

- No, of course
it doesn't undermine it.

Now, I started off by saying

that it is such
a tenth-rate film,

I don't believe it would disturb
anybody's faith-

- Yes, I know.

You started with an open mind.
I realize that.

- Palin's lost it!

Stay on Palin! Stay on Palin!

- This is aw aw-awful.

- They're behaving
like total shits.

Shits!

- Yes. It's not very Christian.

- The question I put to you...

Could you really put your hand
on your heart

and say that film is going
to help the younger generation

in its pilgrimage for truth?

- And the lampooning
of Christ's death

is the most disgraceful part
of the whole thing.

You have succeeded
in reducing something

which has inspired
the greatest art

into something
which is presented

in terms of the lowest art.

That's your feat!

That's your achievement!

- My face! My beautiful face!

' Oh. Yes!

I have just come in my pants.

- You're not funny!

- Go on, Mike!
- Give him what for!

- Please don't.

- Stay out of it, Rice!

This is gold!

Sit down or join in...

or fuck off!

- Oh, I do love physical comedy.

- What's going on?

- I think we might be

in Michael Palin's
fantasy sequence.

- Oh, piss on me
through a sieve!

Another fantasy sequence?

This is lame!

- Gentlemen, I'm going
to have to call a halt.

I think you've made
people happy.

You've made people think
and made them laugh.

- Although you will get
your 30 pieces of silver,

of that I'm quite sure.

- That's ridiculously harsh.

- Ow!

- Fuck.

- R-really?
- Yahtzee!

- Krankl! It's all over!

Is that a BAFTA in my pocket?

No, I'm just pleased to see me,

and I've got a massive erection.

- You're seeing it
in those terms,

and it's utterly tragic.

Utterly tragic.

- Gentlemen, thank you.

Now here's Paul Jones
and his Blues Band

with Boom Boom,
Out Go The Lights.

- Shit! Shit! Shit!

Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!

Damn and blast it all to hell!

- You okay, Mike?

Pissed off?

I can put you in touch
with a very good therapist.

Mike, sorry.

Joke.

Couldn't resist. Sorry.

I understand why you're angry.

Of course I do.

- They didn't listen.
- They didn't debate.

They just shouted us down
and played to the gallery.

We took it seriously,
and they took the piss.

- I know.

- And I thought you were going
to be swaggering and offensive.

- Yes, well,
I was kidding about that.

- Oh. Shame.

It might actually have been
useful out there.

- You've changed your tune.

- They mauled us, John.

They tore us to shreds.

- Come for a drink.

- No.

- No?
- No.

"No?" No!

- Why?

- Don't mock me, John,
all right?

I'm not in the mood!

- I do...

love you, M-Mike.

- I know you.

You're Michael Palin.

- Yes.

- You been doing some more
of your TV show, have you?

That Flying Circus one?

- No.

- No? Probably just as well.

It was very hit-and-miss,
wasn't it?

That's the problem
with sketch shows.

Very hit-and-miss.

So what were you doing then?

- I've been on a debate.

Sorry, can we just go?

- Oh, yeah?
- The Life of Brian thing, is it?

- Mmm.

- You want to know what I think?

I think that sounds pretty
bloody offensive, actually.

I mean, I haven't seen it,

but I don't think people
should have to see it.

- Do you know what?
- I couldn't give a shit.

So just shut the fuck up,
do your fucking job,

drive me home, and don't be a-

- I know you!

You're Michael Palin.

- Yes.

- You're my wife's favorite,
you are.

She loves you.

- Thank you.

It's nice to feel loved.

Hey.

Oh, come on!

- What are you laughing at?

- Oh, your faces, you idiots.

Look, you didn't come off
badly out of it.

They did.

Hey! The champion!

Well done.

That couldn't have
gone any better for us.

- So where's Mike?

- Gone home.

- Why?

- Bit miffed.

- Bishop's Stortford!

- That was aw-aw-aw...

- Awe-inspiring?

- Thank you, love.

Pretty good display, I thought,

seeing as we saw the film
for the first time today, yeah?

And we missed
the first 15 minutes.

- Oh, I see.

So you missed
the part of the film

where the wise men
go to visit Brian,

thinking he's Jesus

then realize their mistake
and go to visit Jesus?

- Oh. Hmm.

- Yes.

- So you make it clear

that Brian isn't Jesus, hmm?

- Yes.

- Great show, guys!

Best piece of television
I have ever seen.

Thought you'd be funnier.

But still, great to see
Michael looking so angry.

Unmissable.

- Oh, well, there you go.
- All's well.

- I'm sorry to say this
because I don't like conflict,

but I thought
you behaved disgracefully.

You didn't represent us
or our beliefs.

- Have you seen the film?

- No.

But rest assured,

we'll be going to the
first screening in the morning

and making up our own minds.

- You don't have to
make up your own minds.

The Church has spoken for you.

- I think we'll do what
we think is right, thank you.

- Good man.

Won't you join us for a drink?

- Oh, God, love.
- You're squashing me.

- Sorry, love.

- What was that for?

- You won.

- Really?

- Absolutely.
- You absolutely won.

- But...

we were serious, and they did
jokes and made fun of us.

- Yes. It was weird.

But that's part of why you won.

It was good
you took it seriously.

And they looked very silly.

- Oh, Michael, it was awful.

- Yes, Mum.

- No, I mean they were awful.

What awful men.

They were complete bullies.

I can see what you meant,
Michael.

You can criticize religion.

It's not all perfect.

- Thanks, Mum.

- Ooh, what a face though.

- Yeah, thanks, Mum.

- Glass of sherry?

- "L am writing in my diary.

"The camera is tracking
slowly towards me.

"L am thinking about
summing things up

"because it will be
the end credits soon.

"L look meaningfully out
of the window for a moment.

"L suppose this particular
episode is nearly at an end.

Nearly."

- Hello, Michael.

- Hello.

I'm sorry to say I'm not sure
I believe in you any more.

- Oh, well, I suppose
that's the sort

of intellectual, fashionable
thing of the moment, isn't it?

- I hope you're not offended.

- Oh, good lord, no.

God is love and so on.

- So is it over now,

this conflict between
religious institutions

and freedom of speech?

- Um, no.

- Oh, won't people get less
offended by jokes at least?

- Oh, no.

No. No, no, no, no, no.

No, you see,
the trouble is, Michael-

and this doesn't apply
to you, of course-

but a lot of people
aren't very nice.

- So what happens?

- Well, where do I begin?

Satanic Verses,

Jerry Springer the Opera,

Danish cartoons,

South Park, Richard Dawkin-

None of this makes any sense
to you whatsoever, does it?

- Not really.

- Probably form the basis
of the ending

of some rather
heavy-handed BBC Four drama.

- Gosh!

Is there a BBC Four
in the future?

BBC must be doing
very well for itself.

- No.

No, you couldn't be further
from the truth.

- I am dreaming this, aren't I?

- Yes.
- You should stay off the cheese.

- Yeah.

♪♪

- Ow!

- You know, I think we'd think
twice about it now.