All language subtitles for The Scotts s02e04.enng

We are resurrecting the Vincent
and Vonny Scott

fancy dress ball.

Mine's a voddy and orange.

You know what we should dress up as?

Oh, Danny and Sandy from Grease?

God, you look hot.

Trying not to look at you tonight
was the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my whole life.

Where's your costume?

It's one thing me no feeling
attractive,

but if he stops thinking
I'm sexy?

I fancy you know more than ever.

Does that make me a freak? It's
not like I'm actually asking us.

It's my da'.

He's a big gob.
He never told me anything.

Hold the line, hold!

I've been playing that tournament
every year since I was ten,

and I've never got past
the quarters.

But he's never teamed up with his
Uncle Vincent before,

MC Warhammer.

Can't touch this.

Right, hold the subjective.

And we've won this. Look at it.

Look at that.

Bring the meat to mama. Come on!

You've got this, Jason.
You've got it, you've got it. Here we go. Here we go.

Yes! Yes, yes, yes, yes!

Oh, yes, yes, yes.

Up yours. Bastard!

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Behave.

My boy's first ever trophy.

I am such a proud mum right now.

40k champions.

Come on!

You won 40 grand?

No, 40K's the name of the game.

It's set in... If it isnae money

I'm nae interested.

You'd think you were a couple of
gladiators

just back from a shift at the
Coliseum.

Hey, we are.
Are you not entertained?

By you and a bunch of speccy guys
with beards,

pushing some wee men around
a dining table.

That trophy might as well
say Captain Virgin on.

Warhammer' cool,

like Henry Cavill plays it.

Oh, and that man is my vulva's
kryptonite.

Oh! Exactly.

Superman himself plays it.

How can yous get so excited
about that daft game?

Just because you don't get
excited about anything, Henry.

Oh, that's not fair.

Have you never been with Henry
when he sees a skip in the street?

"Here, that's a good bit of wood,
that."

"Erin, climb in this skip and help
me with this toilet pan."

I'm getting all tingly just
listening to these.

Do you know the only thing
that would have made that nicer?

If it was you and Jason
winning that tournament.

Oh, as if.

I would really like it if you'd
spend a bit more father-son time together.

We spent an hour together last
night watching videos of guys falling doon escalators.

But wouldn't
you like to really talk?

Maybe have a wee cuddle

and say
how proud you are of each other?

No!

Well, I would like it
if you would make more effort.

If Laura wants us to do something
together,

Fine. Happy wife, happy life.

But Jason and me are sound.

You're such a sweetie.

I'll call you later.

Bye.

Well, I hope that wasnae a customer
that you were flirting with,

because apparently that's
inappropriate these days.

It's not a customer.

It's a boy I'm seeing.

Seeing a boy? Aha.

And you didnae think
to mention this?

It's not serious.

Listen, if that boy breaks
your heart,

this man will break his face.

Vincent!

He'd better respect you.

Hi, Mrs Scott.

I wish I was.

Vincent's giving it
overprotective dad again.

Honestly, ever since Collette...

See, when I was young, there was not
a soul alive protecting me.

Not a soul.

Yeah.

You all right, darling?

It's Cynthia.

She's come home.

Oh, BEEP.

Two glasses.

My mother, Cynthia,

ran out on me
when I was a teenager,

and every few years she likes to
turn up

like that cold sore
Vincent gave me.

Hey, you give ME that cold sore.

Technically, Dad and Dee
gave you that cold sore.

Oh!

The only reason I know she's in
Scotland is cos she posted a picture of herself at the bloody Kelpies.

Oh, she's already got me on edge.

Right, how do you want to play this?

If you want to play it nice,

I'm your charming, handsome husband.

But if you want to sneak into her
hotel room wi' a length of rope,

a hacksaw and a suitcase,

I'm your willing accomplice.

You are very Bonnie and Clyde.

This time I don't stand
for her shit.

This time I will dump
bonny wee Cynthia in the Clyde.

OFF-SCREEN: You see some guy sitting
having a pint with their boys, but

Jason and me have got
a different kind of relationship.

Like you're more likely to see
Jason and me...

I'll take him for a pint. Aye.

Ah, should be a good laugh.

Do you ever do a jobbie so rank that
it left an aftertaste in your bum?

What?

What?

The silence was making me nervous.

That's just horrendous.

I can't have a conversation
with my own son.

I hate to admit it, but it was
a godsend when JP came over.

It was a relief when my dad's
pal came over.

But the relief soon turned
to terror.

JP says wee Tomo's broke his ankle.

Cannae play fives on Sunday, and
then he turns to Jason and goes...

"Do you want to play?"

The thought of a football landing
at my feet is scarier than my Blood

Angels Terminators being flanked

by a full strength brood
of Genestealers.

But I know what Jason's gonna say.

"No, I don't play football."

But I know my dad's making an effort
with me taking us out,

so I need to make an effort
with him.

"Aye. I'll play." I say.

And it just wouldn't be in the

spirit of the evening to say,
"Piss off, Jason."

So, this Sunday evening I'll be
playing my first game of football

since I was five years old.

I'm so happy about this.

I'm absolutely browning my briefs.

With Cynthia, the game begins from
the very first breath.

Hiya!

ON PHONE: Sorry?

Oh, my days. It's my darling.

I'm home, darling.

I had no idea.

Yes, Caledonia was calling me.

That's amazing. Um.

So, I was thinking
that we could maybe go out for...

Oh, but let me
tell you that I love you.

That I think about you
all the time

Caledonia, you are calling me

And now I'm going home.

I'm going to have to wait.

She's so dramatic.

I must take after my dad.

Caledonia's been everything
I've ever had.

Here's how we're playing it.

So, we're taking Vincent's mum
out for dinner on Sunday, and...

We arrange a meet. Our favourite
restaurant.

A home game in front
of our own fans - the waiters.

We would be honoured if you could
join us.

And we play like we're going to let
her just walk all over us again.

But this time, Goodfellas
style -

I whack her.

Well, we always have such
a marvellous time, don't we?

Abso-effing-MacLutely!

I'm gonna...
How does Collette put it again?

She's gonna get her telt. Exactly.

This time. I get her telt.

You text me the time and place
and I will be there.

Ciao, darling.

Ciao.

Whack.

MAKES GUNSHOT NOISES

Don't murder the metaphor, darling.

MAKES A GUNSHOT NOISE

OFF-SCREEN: Oooooh. Oooooh!

You two are so cute!

What's the lowest note you can do?

Mmmmmmm!

THE WOMEN LAUGH

Is there a purpose to this?

To get the baby used to
her daddy's voice.

Oh, I'll show you how to do that.

Er... Aye, Colette. No, Colette.
Please, Colette. Sorry, Colette.

I better stir the chilli. You two
are more than welcome to...

Er, thanks, Laura. We will.

Ooooooh. Ooooooh.

At least Darren isn't phoning

all and sundry to avoid playing
football with his wain.

See because Laura totally
pampers wee Ghoulies 2 there,

she's never out of my house.

Sticking her snib
in all my business.

Hey, I'm doing Jason a favour,
right?

I just don't want him feeling
embarrassed.

MOBILE RINGS

All right, Eddie? How you doing?

Right, listen, erm,

how do you fancy playing
fives tomorrow?

Did she?

When?

Well, how bad a heart
attack was it?

Can we stick you in the goal?

You're not worried about Jason
being embarrassed.

You're worried
about YOU being embarrassed.

Oh, shut up, you. And get AJ Piles
there to yodel into your belly.

I remember if my dad was with
his pals and Vincent talked to him,

my dad would cringe.

I'm not my dad.

You're him all over the back. Nah.

Two peas in a pod.

Two tollies in a toilet.

What do you know about fathers
and sons?

It's complicated.
Am I right, Darren?

Dunno. Never knew my dad.

Honestly, though, I hate
football, but I'd give anything

to have just one memory
of playing it with my old man.

Oh, for...

Right, fine.

Nae more phone calls.

Jason plays.

Today's the day.

I'm going to say things to Cynthia
that will ease decades of pain.

Oh, she says this every time her
ma pops up, and then she just lets

the pair of us get peppered
with the woman's shite.

Bonnie and Clyde?

Armitage and Shanks more like.

20 minutes late.

She's not coming, is she?

Look, if she does nae come,
we'll have a lovely wee dinner

with a lovely example of a mammy.

Right up its own hole, this place.

Need a dictionary to understand
the menu.

Well, she's won already, so.

Right, darling? Settle. Right?

All will be well.

And your partner in crime's
right here. Right?

What you holding my hand for?

Do you want me to take you
for a pee-pee?

OFF-SCREEN: My dad and Jason.

It's like Roy Keane trying
to raise Kung Fu Panda.

Don't worry, when I'm out changing
the world, I'll make sure

I have time to come home

and destroy you at this.

HE CHUCKLES
Nae joy.

Oh, my God.
SHE CHUCKLES

Oh, here, you're not going dressed
like that, are you?

It's shorts, T-shirt and trainers.

This is what guys wear to play
football.

OH!

My boy's going to play his first
proper game of football.

Oh! Laura, he's 24.

Can I come and watch?

No. People's mas don't go to
watch them at the fives.

I'm coming to watch.
What's the team song?

It's fives.
There is nae a team song.

My Henry Scott

My Henry Scott scored
another goal, my Henry Scott

My Henry Scott
My Henry Scott

Scored another goal,
my Henry Scott

Go Jason! Go Jason!

It's absolutely burst me,
by the way.

It's dead touching to see a man
want to spend time with his boy.

Fives is a serious endeavour.

Guys work hard all week,
and when they play,

they don't want to look at some
jolly japester with neon shoes.

WHISPERS: You look lovely.

I hope they have the best time.

Up! Up! It's her.

Cynthia. I told them,

"Hands off the coat."
Don't you dare touch this coat.

This is hand spun yak hair.

Sounds like something on the menu.

Cynthia, this is Moira -
Vincent's mum.

Oh!

Nice to meet you, hen.

And of course,
you remember Vincent?

Cynthia. Ah! The son-in-law.

See? Kiss on the lips.

That's me weirded out.

One nil - Cynthia.

Cynthia, order anything you like.
It's on us.

Oh, I won't be eating. I've actually
brought a little bento box.

I just...
I can't support the philosophy of

transactional meals. It's bourgeois.

It's bourgeois!

And I am sorry, but the bourgeoisie
simply cannot have me.

I will have a mojito, though.

But don't let me stop you enjoying
your carbs, darling.

Right, you're starting in goal.
Try to stop the ball going in.

Don't jump out the way.

Don't turn your back.

What if somebody hits it
really hard?

Then your hands are going to sting.

You'll be FINE!

Go on. On you go.

On you go.

Jason?

BLEEP's sake, Jason.

Oh! Save it with your hands, Jason!

Dafty.

Oh, gonna save it
with your BLEEPING hands?

And flying they feet about like
a mad BLEEPING orange centipede.

Aw, hit him!

Sorry. On you go, wee man, hit it!

BLEEP's sake.

When's half-time?
It's fives, there isn't half-time.

But I'm dying.

We've only been playing for five
minutes. Five minutes?

What are you following me for? Ah...

BLEEPING hell, man.

Square ball, Jason! Square ball!

Square ball!

I don't know what that means!
It means square it!

I sent Jason my all-time
favourite Joe Wicks workout

to help with his fitness
before the game.

He'll be fine.

RETCHING

Oh, come on, you!

These kids.

I remember, Vonny tried to be
rebellious by coming home

with a wee tattoo on her lower back.

I mean, cliche.

Well, I love that tattoo.

Well, I gave Vonny a look
at my tattoo.

I said, who's the rebel now?

Where was the ink?

Right down there, upon my strength.

Sorry, upon your what?
Your strength?

That's what she calls it.
Oh, I'm sorry, Vonny,

am I not allowed to talk about
my strength in your favourite diner?

Oh, no, Cynthia, carry on.

I love it.
CYNTHIA CHUCKLES

I love it?

Vonny was promising me
the St Valentine's Day massacre,

no the St Valentine's Day
full stop after day.

Wide, wide.

Jason!

Oh, the thought of Henry and Jason
playing football together

is so sweet!

Don't BLEEPING let him turn!

Come on!

I hope its all,
"Good header, Jason,"

and, "Thanks for the pass, Dad!"

How do you want me to stop a guy
from turning round?

Do you want me to put him
in a choke hold?

For BLEEP's sake!

Vincent started going bald at 17!

Oh, you mean that's not real?

As real as his suntan!

Baldy bastard schoolboy.

At school, like a grandad!

I wasn't bald at 17,
Mammy, I was thinning.

Son, when you were a schoolboy,

there was nothing thin about you.

Well, I must be honest,
when Vonny first sent me

a photo of Vincent, I thought
she was having a breakdown.

Cheers.

I mean, Vonny has been with
so many beautiful men.

Many, many, many of them.

A lot.

A LOT.

Well, life is for living, eh, Vonny?

So, when I saw Vincent I thought,
uh-oh, is this more rebellion?

Against the beauty aesthetic?

Any time you like, Vonny.

But there is something about him,
isn't there?

Eh, rich, doctor man?

Right, Cynthia...

Oh, Vonny has always hated it when
I talk to her boyfriends.

Always accusing me of flirting!

Always accusing me
of wearing coquettish clothes.

Or, indeed, no clothes.

Honestly, you offer someone a bowl
of miso soup naked one time.

It's happening again.

Sitting there,
meekly listening with no comebacks.

God, she makes me feel like Darren.

Eh, why am I in it?

Anyway, one day,
she brought back this older guy.

He was closer to my age.

He was four years older than me.

When Vonny went to the bathroom,
I said to him, "Why don't I kiss you

"and you can vote for who's the
best kisser in the family."

Oh, no, no!

Vincent!

Get up!

Vonny, Vonny, did you footsie me?

No. I knew it wasn't your foot,

I could feel the sinister slide
of American-tan tights.

Up just one moment.

Right, Jason, Jason!

See when a guy's running by you,
you don't need to wave him on like

you're a traffic polis, you're
allowed to put a challenge in.

Challenging guys is something
I actively try and avoid in my life.

Just tackle.

I knew the game was
going to be a nightmare.

Da, Da. Jason, out wide. Jason!

All I wanted was one wee moment
where my dad looked

at what I did and went...

..aye.

Right, Jason, he's yours.

That's your man, Jason.

Hey! What you doing, wee man?
BLEEP's sake!

What you BLEEPING doing?
Right, that's enough.

I'll rip your head off,
you BLEEPING donkey!

Vonny, Vonny, you promised me, you
promised me we wouldn't be sitting

there like a couple of arseholes
while she does her routine.

I know, but I have baggage with
this woman, Vincent.

I'm Heathrow bloody Airport
with this woman!

I know, but I'm not going
to sit there

and watch her humiliate us two.
Now, get her telt or I will.

No, I'll be doing
the getting her telt.

Well, there isn't much getting telt
happening there, Vonny.

It was my telting to get telt!

Telt her, then! Get her telted!

BOTH: Evening.

Now, come on.

Well, this has been fun, Moira.

I think I might be back more
often now that Vonny is, you know.

What am I, Cynthia?

Well, darling, your dance career has
always been a sore spot for me.

It's why I never came back
to see you perform in the West End.

You've never told me that.

Oh, I just couldn't bear it.

I was a dancer, you see, Moira.

More natural talent than Vonny,
for sure, and it's hard

for a mother to see her child get
opportunities that she never had.

I thought that was the whole idea
of parenting.

But I can be here now.

The jealousy isn't problem any more.

Oh?

Why is that?

Because I have done
so much work on myself in therapy.

And you're not really doing anything
now, are you?

Am I not?

Oh, sorry, I forgot,
you're a dance teacher.

That'll never work.

Why?

Because you're not going
to lead a collective.

Vonny Scott is
all about Vonny Scott.

I think you're about to see EXACTLY
what Vonny Scott is all about!

Finally. Do you know what I think?

I think that you've got this
parenting thing

all round the wrong way.

Jealous of your own wean's success?

If I were you, I'd be jealous of
anyone that had a heart.

Excuse me?

I know all about you.

You abandoned this lassie
when she needed you.

I might no make mother
of the year... Aye, you would.

Och, shush, arsehole.

But see,
I'm always there for my weans.

And I'm delighted that they've
got things that I never had.

And I love them.

I love them.

And I hope that tattoo on your big,
strong fanny's got a bull's-eye

so I can aim my left foot at it.

And you can hop away in that plane
back to that tropical rock that

you crawled out from under.

She doesn't need you.

She's got a mammy here.

Whack.

Well.

I suppose I should go
and compose myself in the ladies.

She won't be back. Trust me.

She'll be sneaking out a fire exit
this very second.

No. She doesn't get to sneak
out on me ever again.

Cynthia!

Cynthia.

This game we play, I'm the winner.

I've had a great career,

I have a great husband
and I have a great family.

And that is not about opportunity,

that is about character.

And life could have rolled you
double sixes all the way

and you still could never
have been me.

Not on your best day, Cynthia.

Can you not call me Mum?

Sure.

Now piss off out my life, Mum.

Ooh, look! There's marshmallows
and whipped cream and everything!

I thought you said you were just
passing through. Two hours ago?

Can you blame me?

I come in here and she makes me
feel like

I'm at a spa retreat or something.

DOOR OPENS

I am never playing football with him
again! Aye, you're right you're no.

Vinnie Jones there, animal.

Did you not have a nice time?
BOTH: No!

Why not?

Oh, "Play it up the line,
kick it into space" -

I don't even know what you're
talking about.

You nearly killed a guy!

You told me to put a challenge in!

Aye, a challenge,
no a deadly assault.

Trying to save shots like that.

What do you expect? Oh, you shut up.

You'd have done a big shite in the
middle of the football court

and he'd have been like that,

"Oh, well done, Erin,
that's brilliant."

CHUCKLING: Football court!

Could we not done something I like?
Oh, what?

Did you want us
to dress up as Chewbacca and R2-D2

and wander about
the Exhibition Centre?

You'd have done it for Erin.

Right, Henry, a word.

Was that Chewbacca
and R2-D2 thing a dig at us? No. Sh.

Jason has been into Warhammer since
he was eight years old

and do you know how many times
you've played it with him?

Off the top of my head? Never.

You've done other things,
things that you enjoy,

but that thing that he loves, no.

Jason. That you?

Aye.

We've not talked
much since the fives.

Come here.

But I guess we're finally accepting

that we're just different kind
of guys.

Just wondering if you fancied
a wee game?

A game of what?

I went on YouTube.

I think I've laid them out right.

Where did this come from?

I made it for you.
Down the workshop.

You made me this?

It's amazing!

Thank you.

Right, so, going to show us
how to play?

Aye, man.

Right, so these are, like,

augmented, super-soldier
kind of guys, so they're like...

It's never too late to make
an effort.

Just try, see what happens.

As long as you're still living
and breathing,

you can still play with your weans.

You're going to be better than
Lynn Weir's baby!

Oh-ho!

Right, Mammy, you're going
in my gullet.

DICE ROLL

About the football...

Och, don't spoil it. No, no, no.

The boys in the group chat
are wanting to know

if The Enforcer is going to
be back next week.

The Enforcer.

Buzzing with that.

If only I could get these
girls to respond.

Who brought a quarterpounder into
my church?

Maybe I do know what their problem
is. I'm too soft on them.

Put these lasses into competition
to win it.

What the hell? Let's win something!

Are you into it, Darren?
A wee fishing trip?

These things could reel in
a sperm whale.

Being a da makes a man of you,
that's for sure.

I'll even give you a free hit.
Shut my...

Don't actually take the free hit!
Nobody takes the free hit.

Here's why!

Hey, hey!

A restful fishing trip, they said.

Who nipped your nuggets?

Right, Darren,
let's get a wee sing-song on the go.

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