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Sometimes, events in our lives come and go
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before we realize how important they were.
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00:00:25,220 --> 00:00:27,189
That Christmas when my Old Man gave me
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00:00:27,190 --> 00:00:30,989
a 200-shot Red Ryder range model air rifle,
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00:00:30,990 --> 00:00:33,199
with a compass in the stock.
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00:00:33,200 --> 00:00:35,459
Oh, boy, I'll never forget that.
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00:00:35,460 --> 00:00:38,829
It was the beginning of something
between me and my father,
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00:00:38,830 --> 00:00:41,839
but eventually I returned
to the jungles of kid-dom,
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00:00:41,840 --> 00:00:46,339
and the Old Man went back to
slugging it out in the adult world.
10
00:00:46,340 --> 00:00:47,879
Then the Ice Age ended.
11
00:00:49,180 --> 00:00:51,179
That's what we call winter in Indiana.
12
00:00:51,180 --> 00:00:54,119
Anyway, that summer everything changed.
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00:00:54,120 --> 00:00:56,649
It was the summer my Old Man, my mother,
14
00:00:56,650 --> 00:00:59,090
and I each had great adventures.
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00:01:10,230 --> 00:01:12,329
Ah, the steel mills.
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00:01:12,330 --> 00:01:14,839
Our own private Tyrolean Alps.
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00:01:14,840 --> 00:01:16,869
Now some people believed Hohman, Indiana
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00:01:16,870 --> 00:01:19,939
was the ugliest place in the entire universe.
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00:01:19,940 --> 00:01:23,709
But to a kid with one more day
to go before summer vacation,
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00:01:23,710 --> 00:01:25,649
oh, it was beautiful.
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00:01:25,650 --> 00:01:28,449
And if you think that blast
furnace was an eyesore,
22
00:01:28,450 --> 00:01:32,019
take a look at our hillbilly
neighbors, the Bumpuses.
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00:01:32,020 --> 00:01:33,689
Delbert, where'd you steal this wrench?
24
00:01:33,690 --> 00:01:35,159
Montgomery Ward.
25
00:01:35,160 --> 00:01:36,889
Well, next time steal it from Sears Roebuck.
26
00:01:36,890 --> 00:01:38,259
This thing ain't worth sheep dip.
27
00:01:38,260 --> 00:01:40,859
Now, there must have been 400 Bumpuses.
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00:01:40,860 --> 00:01:42,699
Then, there was the music.
29
00:01:42,700 --> 00:01:46,669
♪ ...and she was down in the
garden a-hoeing around tomaters ♪
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00:01:46,670 --> 00:01:48,839
♪ Had him run around the huckleberry bush ♪
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00:01:48,840 --> 00:01:52,309
♪ Then she hit him in the eye with a tater ♪
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00:01:52,310 --> 00:01:56,279
Yes, the "Bumpi," as we
referred to them in the plural,
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00:01:56,280 --> 00:01:58,249
loved hillbilly music.
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00:01:58,250 --> 00:02:01,049
My Old Man hated it. War was inevitable.
35
00:02:01,050 --> 00:02:02,349
Come on, Ralph!
36
00:02:02,350 --> 00:02:04,289
Yeah, Ralph, come on! Let's go!
37
00:02:04,290 --> 00:02:07,489
Oh, there's Flick and Schwartz,
waiting for me to start my adventure.
38
00:02:07,490 --> 00:02:11,129
And there's my Old Man, griping as usual.
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00:02:11,130 --> 00:02:12,530
Hot as hell.
40
00:02:14,360 --> 00:02:16,499
Hot in the morning.
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00:02:16,500 --> 00:02:19,899
Hot in the afternoon.
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00:02:19,900 --> 00:02:23,369
Hot at night. Hot.
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00:02:23,370 --> 00:02:24,769
Oh, there I am.
44
00:02:24,770 --> 00:02:26,679
Where you going? Out.
45
00:02:26,680 --> 00:02:28,879
Hey, hey, hey. You be back in 20 minutes.
46
00:02:28,880 --> 00:02:30,379
I don't want you late for school.
47
00:02:30,380 --> 00:02:32,279
Where's he going at 7:00 in
the morning? It's a kid thing.
48
00:02:32,280 --> 00:02:33,849
A kid thing? Don't worry about it.
49
00:02:33,850 --> 00:02:35,019
He's up to something.
50
00:02:35,020 --> 00:02:36,389
Go on.
51
00:02:36,390 --> 00:02:38,789
♪
52
00:02:38,790 --> 00:02:39,989
Hot coffee.
53
00:02:39,990 --> 00:02:41,459
It's about time, Ralph.
54
00:02:41,460 --> 00:02:43,329
Yeah, we're gonna be late.
55
00:02:43,330 --> 00:02:45,759
Come on.
56
00:02:45,760 --> 00:02:49,769
Now, kids through the ages have
waged war in one form or another.
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00:02:49,770 --> 00:02:52,299
Marbles, mumblety-peg, horseshoes...
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00:02:52,300 --> 00:02:54,269
In recent weeks, fighting tops
59
00:02:54,270 --> 00:02:56,099
had become our weapon of choice.
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00:02:56,100 --> 00:02:59,139
So, I had sent a message
out over the kid grapevine,
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00:02:59,140 --> 00:03:01,109
"Keep a lookout."
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00:03:01,110 --> 00:03:03,479
Last night, word had
come through about a shop
63
00:03:03,480 --> 00:03:05,909
that had a stash of killer tops.
64
00:03:05,910 --> 00:03:08,620
We were headed for the bad side of town.
65
00:03:19,060 --> 00:03:23,799
No day was complete without
a plunge down Suicide Hill.
66
00:03:28,540 --> 00:03:30,009
Skydiving?
67
00:03:30,010 --> 00:03:32,109
Bungee jumping?
68
00:03:32,110 --> 00:03:34,970
We were adrenaline junkies
long before it became fashionable.
69
00:03:43,920 --> 00:03:44,889
Oh, my God!
70
00:03:44,890 --> 00:03:46,589
Schwartz, you moron!
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00:03:46,590 --> 00:03:50,629
Did your mother have any
children that actually lived?
72
00:03:50,630 --> 00:03:52,699
Jeez, it's gold!
73
00:03:52,700 --> 00:03:53,899
Let's go!
74
00:03:53,900 --> 00:03:57,000
There it was. It was beautiful.
75
00:04:01,540 --> 00:04:05,809
Oh, she was lethal.
Gold Killer, I called her.
76
00:04:05,810 --> 00:04:10,309
World's Exposition. Beer from all
over the world. That sounds good.
77
00:04:11,550 --> 00:04:12,849
Barkley. Barkley.
78
00:04:12,850 --> 00:04:14,079
Come over here, come over here.
79
00:04:14,080 --> 00:04:16,589
Barkley was the smartest mutt I ever saw.
80
00:04:16,590 --> 00:04:18,519
He could do any trick ever dreamed up.
81
00:04:18,520 --> 00:04:20,389
Look, he did it!
82
00:04:21,920 --> 00:04:24,329
Except the easiest one.
83
00:04:24,330 --> 00:04:27,499
He was a continual
disappointment to the Old Man.
84
00:04:27,500 --> 00:04:28,829
Hey, what's the plural of moose?
85
00:04:28,830 --> 00:04:30,099
Moose.
86
00:04:30,100 --> 00:04:32,829
Yeah, what's the plural of moose?
87
00:04:32,830 --> 00:04:36,539
Moose. Moose is the plural of moose.
88
00:04:36,540 --> 00:04:38,570
These puzzles are tricky.
89
00:04:40,180 --> 00:04:41,809
I was ready.
90
00:04:44,680 --> 00:04:48,849
Ralph! Will you put that top away?
91
00:04:48,850 --> 00:04:51,589
And did you do your book report?
92
00:04:51,590 --> 00:04:53,189
Oh, no.
93
00:04:53,190 --> 00:04:54,989
Now, my father had some old books,
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00:04:54,990 --> 00:04:57,629
which he called his
collection of fine literature.
95
00:04:57,630 --> 00:05:01,999
But, somehow, I didn't think a
masterpiece like The Claw of Fu Manchu
96
00:05:02,000 --> 00:05:04,369
would bring joy to my teacher's heart,
97
00:05:04,370 --> 00:05:06,669
or the much coveted C-plus for me.
98
00:05:06,670 --> 00:05:09,199
Then, last week, I found the book
99
00:05:09,200 --> 00:05:11,709
he kept hidden under his mattress.
100
00:05:11,710 --> 00:05:15,179
Now, I should have known
right then, but it had big words.
101
00:05:15,180 --> 00:05:19,209
And the people wore old-fashioned
clothes, and stuff like that.
102
00:05:19,210 --> 00:05:21,649
Just the kind of thing my teacher would love.
103
00:05:21,650 --> 00:05:24,919
Wait'll Miss Shields sees what
great books I'm reading now.
104
00:05:24,920 --> 00:05:29,359
Oh, no! You're writing a book
report about a dirty book, stupid!
105
00:05:29,360 --> 00:05:32,799
"It's the best, most
interesting book I ever read.
106
00:05:32,800 --> 00:05:34,259
"It is by an Italian,
107
00:05:34,260 --> 00:05:37,229
"and I think this book is very interesting.
108
00:05:37,230 --> 00:05:39,969
"There was this one story,
about a man named Massetto
109
00:05:39,970 --> 00:05:41,569
"who worked in a garden
110
00:05:41,570 --> 00:05:43,369
"and he made believe he was dumb
111
00:05:43,370 --> 00:05:45,139
"and he did lots of funny things."
112
00:05:45,140 --> 00:05:47,279
"And there was this one
lady named the Abbess."
113
00:05:47,280 --> 00:05:50,679
"The Abbess said she
wanted to lieth with Massetto,"
114
00:05:50,680 --> 00:05:56,489
"and so they lived happily ever
after, just lying around together."
115
00:05:56,490 --> 00:05:58,389
Boy, that's great writing.
116
00:05:58,390 --> 00:06:00,959
Are you sure it isn't
"meese"? That would fit.
117
00:06:00,960 --> 00:06:04,920
Ralph! Downstairs in two minutes!
118
00:06:06,630 --> 00:06:08,529
I had learned through the years
119
00:06:08,530 --> 00:06:10,629
that if you want to impress your teacher
120
00:06:10,630 --> 00:06:14,599
it's very important to
have a part in your hair.
121
00:06:14,600 --> 00:06:16,199
I don't know why
122
00:06:16,200 --> 00:06:20,709
but parts in your hair make
you seem very intelligent.
123
00:06:20,710 --> 00:06:22,279
A lot of grease helps, too.
124
00:06:22,280 --> 00:06:24,750
Ten seconds or no movie tonight!
125
00:06:32,320 --> 00:06:33,959
What was that? I don't know.
126
00:06:33,960 --> 00:06:35,719
It could have been one of our children.
127
00:06:35,720 --> 00:06:39,529
Yeah, maybe. Up to something.
128
00:06:39,530 --> 00:06:41,799
Randy, will you eat your breakfast?
129
00:06:41,800 --> 00:06:43,999
There are people starving in China.
130
00:06:44,000 --> 00:06:46,499
Now, my little brother
and I could never figure out
131
00:06:46,500 --> 00:06:48,539
how our measly bowls of oatmeal were
132
00:06:48,540 --> 00:06:51,269
going to save the starving masses of China.
133
00:06:51,270 --> 00:06:54,539
But my mother always said that.
134
00:06:54,540 --> 00:06:56,880
Don't you dare.
135
00:07:14,130 --> 00:07:15,330
Randy!
136
00:07:17,470 --> 00:07:20,039
You are in big trouble, mister.
137
00:07:20,040 --> 00:07:22,340
You better eat every mouthful of that.
138
00:07:26,940 --> 00:07:28,779
And you better enjoy it.
139
00:07:28,780 --> 00:07:30,949
Mmm.
140
00:07:30,950 --> 00:07:34,849
Mmm, mmm.
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00:07:34,850 --> 00:07:36,420
Every mouthful.
142
00:07:44,930 --> 00:07:48,699
In northern Indiana, there
were two types of top spinners.
143
00:07:48,700 --> 00:07:51,399
Those who merely played with a top
144
00:07:51,400 --> 00:07:54,999
and those to whom a top was
a weapon in the purest sense.
145
00:07:55,000 --> 00:07:58,009
An instrument of calumny,
aggression and destruction.
146
00:07:59,310 --> 00:08:01,509
I was one of that lonely breed.
147
00:08:01,510 --> 00:08:03,649
Lug Ditka was another.
148
00:08:03,650 --> 00:08:07,149
Lug Ditka, the worst bully in
the history of Warren G. Harding.
149
00:08:07,150 --> 00:08:11,589
Scut Farkus, my old enemy, had
been demoted to bully, second class.
150
00:08:11,590 --> 00:08:13,459
Get the top, stupid!
151
00:08:13,460 --> 00:08:15,959
Right, Lug.
152
00:08:15,960 --> 00:08:17,859
I made my move.
153
00:08:17,860 --> 00:08:20,099
All right.
154
00:08:20,100 --> 00:08:21,760
Okay. Who's next?
155
00:08:23,370 --> 00:08:25,969
Lug turned his evil eye on me.
156
00:08:25,970 --> 00:08:28,669
How about you, Ralphie?
157
00:08:28,670 --> 00:08:30,569
Who, me?
158
00:08:30,570 --> 00:08:34,279
Yeah, Ralphie.
159
00:08:34,280 --> 00:08:37,049
I hated to be called Ralphie.
160
00:08:37,050 --> 00:08:40,019
Yeah, Ralphie. Wanna play Kill?
161
00:08:40,020 --> 00:08:42,119
The game of Kill was primal.
162
00:08:42,120 --> 00:08:45,989
A circle was drawn and the top
that was driven out of the circle
163
00:08:45,990 --> 00:08:49,359
or crushed was the loser.
164
00:08:49,360 --> 00:08:52,029
I don't know, Lug. I do have a new top.
165
00:08:52,030 --> 00:08:55,559
Ooh, a new top!
166
00:08:55,560 --> 00:08:56,869
Let's see it.
167
00:08:56,870 --> 00:08:59,099
Kids were arriving from all directions.
168
00:08:59,100 --> 00:09:00,499
The word had spread.
169
00:09:00,500 --> 00:09:02,799
There was a new fast gun in town.
170
00:09:02,800 --> 00:09:05,009
What is that? A Christmas tree ornament?
171
00:09:07,640 --> 00:09:09,440
Let's go. Now!
172
00:09:11,780 --> 00:09:14,119
Get your top. You get first shot.
173
00:09:14,120 --> 00:09:15,249
Come on, Ralph!
174
00:09:15,250 --> 00:09:16,350
Get him, Ralph!
175
00:09:18,190 --> 00:09:22,289
Lug's top, known as
Mariah, was a natural killer,
176
00:09:22,290 --> 00:09:27,259
with at least 50 or more
confirmed kills to its credit.
177
00:09:27,260 --> 00:09:29,329
True poison.
178
00:09:29,330 --> 00:09:31,260
And I had the antidote.
179
00:09:33,540 --> 00:09:36,839
Gold Killer circled like a hawk on the wing.
180
00:09:36,840 --> 00:09:38,139
Mariah quivered,
181
00:09:38,140 --> 00:09:40,779
fear vibrating from every pore.
182
00:09:40,780 --> 00:09:43,310
Or it would have if tops had pores.
183
00:09:45,110 --> 00:09:46,750
Mariah staggered.
184
00:09:48,780 --> 00:09:54,119
But somehow, miraculously,
the black demon recovered.
185
00:09:54,120 --> 00:09:59,129
Then both tops spun to a halt. No kill.
186
00:09:59,130 --> 00:10:00,529
Come on, Ralph!
187
00:10:00,530 --> 00:10:01,699
You got it, you can do it!
188
00:10:01,700 --> 00:10:04,629
Now, it was Lug's shot.
189
00:10:04,630 --> 00:10:07,570
A feeling of foreboding was creeping over me.
190
00:10:14,480 --> 00:10:16,579
Mariah hummed with a vicious whine
191
00:10:16,580 --> 00:10:18,580
like a dentist's drill from hell.
192
00:10:21,150 --> 00:10:24,189
As my first top skittered
like a drunken thing
193
00:10:24,190 --> 00:10:27,189
I felt the sinking sensation of total defeat.
194
00:10:30,630 --> 00:10:32,390
Get the top, stupid!
195
00:10:39,430 --> 00:10:40,969
A has-been at 10.
196
00:10:40,970 --> 00:10:44,339
Too bad, Ralph. She was a beauty, too.
197
00:10:44,340 --> 00:10:46,569
Nobody can beat Mariah.
198
00:10:46,570 --> 00:10:49,809
At least you tried.
199
00:10:49,810 --> 00:10:51,040
Sort of.
200
00:10:55,020 --> 00:10:58,120
And thus began my quest
for the ultimate killer top.
201
00:11:02,220 --> 00:11:04,089
Good morning, class.
202
00:11:04,090 --> 00:11:07,399
Good morning, Miss Shields.
203
00:11:07,400 --> 00:11:10,229
Now, please pass your
book reports to the front.
204
00:11:10,230 --> 00:11:11,399
What book report?
205
00:11:11,400 --> 00:11:15,199
I'll grade them during lunch.
206
00:11:15,200 --> 00:11:18,269
Schwartz passed up his smudgy scrap of paper
207
00:11:18,270 --> 00:11:21,139
bearing the title, Sam, the Young Shortstop.
208
00:11:21,140 --> 00:11:22,409
Thank you.
209
00:11:22,410 --> 00:11:26,819
I added my magnificent
composition to the shoddy lot,
210
00:11:26,820 --> 00:11:29,689
violins playing in my soul.
211
00:11:29,690 --> 00:11:31,519
Ralph,
212
00:11:31,520 --> 00:11:34,859
I'd like to see you for a
few minutes during lunch.
213
00:11:34,860 --> 00:11:37,360
I want to discuss your book report.
214
00:11:39,560 --> 00:11:41,759
Hmm.
215
00:11:41,760 --> 00:11:42,760
Mmm.
216
00:11:44,570 --> 00:11:46,799
Ralph.
217
00:11:46,800 --> 00:11:49,569
About your book report.
218
00:11:49,570 --> 00:11:53,139
That was a very well-written book report.
219
00:11:53,140 --> 00:11:55,739
Good.
220
00:11:55,740 --> 00:11:58,309
Now, Ralph, I want you
to be very truthful with me.
221
00:11:58,310 --> 00:11:59,779
Truthful?
222
00:11:59,780 --> 00:12:02,019
Where did you get the book?
223
00:12:02,020 --> 00:12:04,019
Did you get it out of the library?
224
00:12:04,020 --> 00:12:07,320
My mind, working like a
steel trap, leaped into action.
225
00:12:10,590 --> 00:12:12,529
A--a kid gave it to me.
226
00:12:12,530 --> 00:12:15,729
A big kid. By the candy store.
227
00:12:15,730 --> 00:12:18,229
A big kid, by the candy store,
228
00:12:18,230 --> 00:12:21,869
gave you Boccaccio's Decameron?
229
00:12:21,870 --> 00:12:23,539
Yeah.
230
00:12:23,540 --> 00:12:25,940
And, uh, did he say anything to you?
231
00:12:28,240 --> 00:12:31,510
Yeah. Yeah, he said, "Here's a book."
232
00:12:33,250 --> 00:12:36,980
He said, "Here's a book",
and he gave you that book?
233
00:12:39,020 --> 00:12:40,219
Yeah.
234
00:12:40,220 --> 00:12:42,519
Are you telling me the truth?
235
00:12:42,520 --> 00:12:44,729
Uh, yeah.
236
00:12:44,730 --> 00:12:45,790
Are you sure?
237
00:12:47,800 --> 00:12:49,099
Yeah.
238
00:12:49,100 --> 00:12:50,629
Where did you get that book?
239
00:12:50,630 --> 00:12:52,499
Home.
240
00:12:52,500 --> 00:12:53,500
A-ha!
241
00:12:55,370 --> 00:12:56,569
Did you enjoy the book?
242
00:12:56,570 --> 00:12:58,139
Now
243
00:12:58,140 --> 00:13:02,679
I was definitely starting
to sweat up my corduroys.
244
00:13:02,680 --> 00:13:04,379
Yeah.
245
00:13:04,380 --> 00:13:06,709
It was a pretty funny book, wasn't it?
246
00:13:06,710 --> 00:13:09,319
I knew that this was a loaded question.
247
00:13:09,320 --> 00:13:11,419
No.
248
00:13:11,420 --> 00:13:14,819
Well, that's good.
249
00:13:14,820 --> 00:13:16,789
I had guessed right.
250
00:13:16,790 --> 00:13:19,799
I had chosen to go with
the truth, and it worked out.
251
00:13:19,800 --> 00:13:21,499
A long shot, for sure.
252
00:13:21,500 --> 00:13:24,069
Sometimes you gotta go against the grain.
253
00:13:24,070 --> 00:13:28,369
I should really send a note home about this.
254
00:13:33,110 --> 00:13:37,109
Will you promise you will not
sneak into your parents' room
255
00:13:37,110 --> 00:13:40,249
and take books anymore
256
00:13:40,250 --> 00:13:43,649
if I promise not to send a note home?
257
00:13:43,650 --> 00:13:45,449
Now, there was a deal.
258
00:13:45,450 --> 00:13:48,089
What did Miss Shields
think my answer would be?
259
00:13:48,090 --> 00:13:49,689
"Oh, no, Miss Shields,
260
00:13:49,690 --> 00:13:51,659
"I can't accept those conditions."
261
00:13:51,660 --> 00:13:53,389
"I took the book."
262
00:13:53,390 --> 00:13:56,359
"It was wrong. I want
you to send a note home"
263
00:13:56,360 --> 00:14:00,769
"so that my father will beat
the living bejesus out of me."
264
00:14:00,770 --> 00:14:02,339
Of course, I actually said...
265
00:14:02,340 --> 00:14:04,270
Yes. That's fair.
266
00:14:11,150 --> 00:14:15,110
Summer stretched ahead of us
like an endless dream of ecstasy.
267
00:14:24,360 --> 00:14:27,590
We headed immediately to
Pulaski's to check out his top supply.
268
00:14:34,800 --> 00:14:36,669
You want a top or don't you?
269
00:14:36,670 --> 00:14:39,769
Pulaski glared while the
Lithuanian and Polish housewives
270
00:14:39,770 --> 00:14:42,379
clamored for soup bones and pigs' feet.
271
00:14:42,380 --> 00:14:44,509
Come on, kid. I ain't got all day.
272
00:14:44,510 --> 00:14:47,179
Now, we all knew Pulaski didn't have all day.
273
00:14:47,180 --> 00:14:49,219
He stated this unequivocally,
274
00:14:49,220 --> 00:14:53,019
at least 540 times every day of his life.
275
00:14:53,020 --> 00:14:55,819
Do you have any other tops
besides those little ones?
276
00:14:55,820 --> 00:14:58,959
That's all there is.
277
00:15:00,860 --> 00:15:03,799
Pulaski slammed the case closed
and immediately dashed over
278
00:15:03,800 --> 00:15:06,229
and opened negotiations
with Flick and Schwartz
279
00:15:06,230 --> 00:15:07,569
at the candy counter.
280
00:15:07,570 --> 00:15:09,039
All right, kid, what's it gonna be?
281
00:15:09,040 --> 00:15:10,609
Quick, I ain't got all day.
282
00:15:10,610 --> 00:15:12,469
Give me some root beer barrels.
283
00:15:12,470 --> 00:15:14,179
How many?
284
00:15:14,180 --> 00:15:18,149
I want three root beer
barrels and one Mary Jane.
285
00:15:18,150 --> 00:15:19,949
I tell you every day,
286
00:15:19,950 --> 00:15:24,249
that root beer barrels are six for a
penny, Mary Janes are two for a penny.
287
00:15:24,250 --> 00:15:25,949
Now, how many you want?
288
00:15:25,950 --> 00:15:28,819
I want three root beer
barrels and a Mary Jane.
289
00:15:28,820 --> 00:15:30,229
For cripes' sake.
290
00:15:30,230 --> 00:15:31,559
All right, what do you want?
291
00:15:31,560 --> 00:15:32,959
Two black jawbreakers.
292
00:15:32,960 --> 00:15:34,659
Yeah. Me, too.
293
00:15:34,660 --> 00:15:36,329
No jawbreakers unless you take
294
00:15:36,330 --> 00:15:38,160
a red one for every black one.
295
00:15:40,400 --> 00:15:43,339
We hate red jawbreakers.
We hate red jawbreakers.
296
00:15:43,340 --> 00:15:45,469
No jawbreakers unless you take
297
00:15:45,470 --> 00:15:47,879
a red one to go with a black one.
298
00:15:47,880 --> 00:15:50,609
It was history's first tie-in sale.
299
00:15:50,610 --> 00:15:55,479
All right, come on, what's it
gonna be? I haven't got all day.
300
00:15:55,480 --> 00:15:56,680
Okay.
301
00:16:03,120 --> 00:16:05,589
All right, kid. What is it?
302
00:16:05,590 --> 00:16:08,729
Three root beer barrels and a Mary Jane.
303
00:16:08,730 --> 00:16:10,229
Oh, for cripes' sake.
304
00:16:10,230 --> 00:16:12,030
All right! All right!
305
00:16:14,640 --> 00:16:16,869
Three root beer barrels!
306
00:16:16,870 --> 00:16:18,440
One Mary Jane!
307
00:16:29,850 --> 00:16:32,649
We really hated red jawbreakers.
308
00:16:32,650 --> 00:16:34,590
But, oh, those black ones.
309
00:16:38,130 --> 00:16:40,529
When the proper cheek tension was reached,
310
00:16:40,530 --> 00:16:44,869
the soul-satisfying taste of
those rich ebony masterpieces
311
00:16:44,870 --> 00:16:47,199
began to course through our veins.
312
00:16:47,200 --> 00:16:48,839
It was almost worth the years
313
00:16:48,840 --> 00:16:51,469
of impacted wisdom teeth that were to follow.
314
00:16:51,470 --> 00:16:54,040
♪
315
00:17:00,780 --> 00:17:05,120
We'd been listening to this
stuff day and night for six months.
316
00:17:07,820 --> 00:17:11,429
Wars have started over less.
317
00:17:13,490 --> 00:17:15,799
But then there were the Bumpus hounds,
318
00:17:15,800 --> 00:17:18,260
all 43 of them, all named Big Red.
319
00:17:21,370 --> 00:17:23,239
Barkley!
320
00:17:23,240 --> 00:17:26,009
Now, the Old Man had been training
little Barkley for a rescue mission.
321
00:17:26,010 --> 00:17:27,470
Barkley!
322
00:17:32,480 --> 00:17:35,849
It worked. The Old Man got away clean
323
00:17:35,850 --> 00:17:37,789
except for stepping into some dog...
324
00:17:37,790 --> 00:17:39,649
Well, you know what I mean.
325
00:17:39,650 --> 00:17:42,759
Give it to me! I want it! I want it!
326
00:17:42,760 --> 00:17:45,159
Ralph! Randy! Stop it!
327
00:17:54,470 --> 00:17:56,170
What in the world?
328
00:17:59,440 --> 00:18:01,109
Oh, no, the gun went off.
329
00:18:01,110 --> 00:18:04,149
Ralph, don't shoot your eye out.
330
00:18:04,150 --> 00:18:05,679
I hadn't shot my eye out.
331
00:18:05,680 --> 00:18:08,279
In fact, exactly the opposite.
332
00:18:22,500 --> 00:18:25,160
What-What's going on? Did you shoot that gun?
333
00:18:30,370 --> 00:18:32,839
If my mother knew I had been hit with a BB,
334
00:18:32,840 --> 00:18:35,279
Ol' Blue would be banished forever.
335
00:18:35,280 --> 00:18:39,779
No one got shot. I backed into the bedpost.
336
00:18:39,780 --> 00:18:43,320
Well, well, put that thing
away and come here right now.
337
00:18:45,950 --> 00:18:49,159
Randy, the little rat,
couldn't stop giggling.
338
00:18:52,290 --> 00:18:54,259
Honey, come up here.
339
00:18:54,260 --> 00:18:55,660
All right!
340
00:18:57,300 --> 00:18:59,899
Honey, look at this.
341
00:18:59,900 --> 00:19:04,169
It looks like they're
building a closet outdoors.
342
00:19:08,380 --> 00:19:09,939
What is that?
343
00:19:09,940 --> 00:19:11,809
I'll be damned.
344
00:19:14,550 --> 00:19:15,949
I've got them now.
345
00:19:15,950 --> 00:19:17,349
But what is it?
346
00:19:17,350 --> 00:19:19,149
They're building a crapper!
347
00:19:19,150 --> 00:19:20,689
A what?
348
00:19:20,690 --> 00:19:22,619
An outhouse! A--a two-holer!
349
00:19:22,620 --> 00:19:23,959
An outdoor toilet!
350
00:19:23,960 --> 00:19:26,059
And you can bet it's not up to code.
351
00:19:26,060 --> 00:19:29,329
That crapper's gonna be their downfall!
352
00:19:29,330 --> 00:19:31,599
Bumpus!
353
00:19:31,600 --> 00:19:33,730
Hey, you! Bumpus!
354
00:19:43,880 --> 00:19:45,680
Good. Oh, yeah.
355
00:19:49,650 --> 00:19:50,819
Bumpus!
356
00:19:50,820 --> 00:19:52,419
Shh. Quiet up, down there.
357
00:19:52,420 --> 00:19:54,689
Now, you listen here! Stub your toe?
358
00:19:54,690 --> 00:19:56,489
You gotta watch them radiators.
359
00:19:56,490 --> 00:19:58,259
Never you mind about my toe!
360
00:19:58,260 --> 00:20:01,899
Where's your permit? Where's your 204-77042?
361
00:20:01,900 --> 00:20:03,199
Huh?
362
00:20:03,200 --> 00:20:05,169
I thought so. You don't have a permit
363
00:20:05,170 --> 00:20:07,869
to build an outdoor public convenience.
364
00:20:07,870 --> 00:20:11,509
Well, you walleyed, citified idiot!
365
00:20:11,510 --> 00:20:16,939
That ain't no pubic conveyance,
that there's a damn outhouse!
366
00:20:21,720 --> 00:20:25,549
All the Bumpuses started up
with snorts and whinnies and bleats
367
00:20:25,550 --> 00:20:29,559
and other sounds that
vaguely resembled laughter.
368
00:20:42,100 --> 00:20:44,109
All right! All right!
369
00:20:44,110 --> 00:20:46,339
Listen to me! Listen to me!
370
00:20:46,340 --> 00:20:49,309
That outhouse is a public nuisance!
371
00:20:49,310 --> 00:20:51,049
You don't have a permit!
372
00:20:51,050 --> 00:20:53,349
That shack is not up to code!
373
00:20:53,350 --> 00:20:56,019
It's a health menace and I want it torn down!
374
00:20:56,020 --> 00:20:59,119
You got that?
375
00:20:59,120 --> 00:21:02,019
It was a shootout.
376
00:21:02,020 --> 00:21:04,629
Only the Old Man made a tactical error.
377
00:21:04,630 --> 00:21:06,159
Well, you gonna tear it down?
378
00:21:06,160 --> 00:21:09,129
He thought Emil was unarmed.
379
00:21:09,130 --> 00:21:11,000
I want an answer now.
380
00:21:17,270 --> 00:21:19,339
Oh, Ugh!
381
00:21:19,340 --> 00:21:20,509
Ew!
382
00:21:24,110 --> 00:21:26,949
Luckily it was only a quarter load.
383
00:21:26,950 --> 00:21:30,549
A full load would've ended the
Parker line right then and there.
384
00:21:30,550 --> 00:21:34,089
If you don't tear that down,
385
00:21:34,090 --> 00:21:36,259
I'm gonna call the cops.
386
00:21:36,260 --> 00:21:37,529
Whoa!
387
00:21:37,530 --> 00:21:40,129
The Old Man had lost his mind.
388
00:21:40,130 --> 00:21:42,859
Now can I have your answer?
389
00:21:42,860 --> 00:21:47,699
Or do I have to explain what an answer is?
390
00:21:47,700 --> 00:21:50,639
I'll give you my answer.
391
00:21:50,640 --> 00:21:52,139
Big Dickie!
392
00:21:52,140 --> 00:21:53,909
Whoa!
393
00:21:53,910 --> 00:21:55,539
What happened next has become
394
00:21:55,540 --> 00:21:58,949
part of the lore and legend
of Cleveland Street forever.
395
00:21:58,950 --> 00:22:02,419
As long as old duffers sit on
porches and rocking chairs,
396
00:22:02,420 --> 00:22:06,089
Big Dickie's awesome feat will be remembered.
397
00:22:26,210 --> 00:22:28,339
The Old Man got the message.
398
00:22:28,340 --> 00:22:31,879
If Big Dickie could rip the
porch right off the house,
399
00:22:31,880 --> 00:22:35,079
imagine what he could do to
the Old Man's arms and legs.
400
00:22:35,080 --> 00:22:37,049
War, Bumpus!
401
00:22:37,050 --> 00:22:39,519
This is war!
402
00:22:43,120 --> 00:22:45,659
Into the house, everyone!
403
00:22:45,660 --> 00:22:47,760
Randy! Ralphie.
404
00:22:50,630 --> 00:22:51,899
Dinner's in half an hour.
405
00:22:51,900 --> 00:22:53,669
Ralphie, you go up and take a little rest.
406
00:22:53,670 --> 00:22:55,639
Randy, take a bath.
407
00:22:55,640 --> 00:23:00,639
I--I--I wonder what they
use their indoor toilet for.
408
00:23:00,640 --> 00:23:04,180
That's a picture I never want
to have come into my head.
409
00:23:07,050 --> 00:23:10,049
♪ ...have a home sweet home ♪
410
00:23:10,050 --> 00:23:13,089
Yes, the Bumpuses were playing
411
00:23:13,090 --> 00:23:14,789
another one of their classics.
412
00:23:14,790 --> 00:23:17,059
It sounded like a chorus of toad frogs
413
00:23:17,060 --> 00:23:20,389
trying to mate with an accordion.
414
00:23:20,390 --> 00:23:22,729
Ralphie, you love red cabbage.
415
00:23:22,730 --> 00:23:24,629
Shut up, over there!
416
00:23:24,630 --> 00:23:25,969
They're doing it on purpose.
417
00:23:25,970 --> 00:23:28,039
They've moved the Victrola
to our side of the house.
418
00:23:28,040 --> 00:23:29,599
Turn that racket down, Bumpus!
419
00:23:29,600 --> 00:23:31,139
I'm warning you!
420
00:23:31,140 --> 00:23:33,869
The Bumpi just cranked
the noise up a little louder.
421
00:23:33,870 --> 00:23:36,410
It's hotter than the hinges of hell.
422
00:23:38,250 --> 00:23:40,719
Barkley. Good boy, Barkley.
423
00:23:40,720 --> 00:23:42,549
Come over here. Come here, boy.
424
00:23:42,550 --> 00:23:44,549
Sit up, boy. Sit up. Good Barkley.
425
00:23:45,790 --> 00:23:47,719
The Old Man had this theory about Barkley,
426
00:23:47,720 --> 00:23:49,789
that he was half dog and half rat.
427
00:23:49,790 --> 00:23:52,589
That's why he couldn't stand up.
428
00:23:52,590 --> 00:23:53,729
What's this?
429
00:23:53,730 --> 00:23:56,129
Gravy boat.
430
00:23:56,130 --> 00:23:58,729
Ronald Colman gravy boat.
431
00:23:58,730 --> 00:24:01,029
It's part of a set of Pearleen Dinnerware.
432
00:24:01,030 --> 00:24:02,439
How much?
433
00:24:02,440 --> 00:24:03,569
Oh!
434
00:24:03,570 --> 00:24:04,570
Um, ah.
435
00:24:06,570 --> 00:24:08,110
About nothing.
436
00:24:09,940 --> 00:24:11,249
Nothing?
437
00:24:11,250 --> 00:24:13,209
What do you mean "nothing"?
438
00:24:13,210 --> 00:24:18,749
It's the first installment of the
Orpheum Theater's free dish promotion.
439
00:24:18,750 --> 00:24:21,259
By the end of the summer,
we'll be the proud owners
440
00:24:21,260 --> 00:24:23,519
of a 112-piece set
441
00:24:23,520 --> 00:24:26,429
of Genuine Artistic De
Luxe Pearleen Dinnerware,
442
00:24:26,430 --> 00:24:29,559
table service to the stars.
443
00:24:29,560 --> 00:24:32,599
Imagine that. Hey, I have an idea.
444
00:24:32,600 --> 00:24:34,399
After dinner, why don't we take our
445
00:24:34,400 --> 00:24:36,269
Ronald Colman gravy boat out on a lake,
446
00:24:36,270 --> 00:24:38,140
catch a mess of trout.
447
00:24:40,540 --> 00:24:42,279
Good one, Dad.
448
00:24:42,280 --> 00:24:45,579
Hey, that reminds me. You know,
449
00:24:45,580 --> 00:24:47,519
Zudoc and I and the boys are heading out
450
00:24:47,520 --> 00:24:50,849
to Cedar Lake tomorrow
morning to bag our limit of crappies.
451
00:24:50,850 --> 00:24:52,849
What do you think of that, Ragmop?
452
00:24:52,850 --> 00:24:54,419
When the Old Man was in a good mood,
453
00:24:54,420 --> 00:24:57,789
he gave me nicknames like
Rubber Band and Spare Tire.
454
00:24:57,790 --> 00:25:02,029
You know, Bullfrog, if you're
going, you gotta clean the fish.
455
00:25:02,030 --> 00:25:04,329
Going fishing? Wow.
456
00:25:04,330 --> 00:25:06,799
This is what I'd been dreaming of for years.
457
00:25:06,800 --> 00:25:08,439
No movie tonight.
458
00:25:08,440 --> 00:25:10,939
4:00 a.m. comes awful early.
459
00:25:10,940 --> 00:25:14,269
Fishing was the adult world. Oh, I wanted in.
460
00:25:14,270 --> 00:25:16,509
So what do you say, Gasbag?
461
00:25:16,510 --> 00:25:17,949
Yeah!
462
00:25:17,950 --> 00:25:20,479
I wanna fish! I wanna fish! I wanna fish!
463
00:25:20,480 --> 00:25:23,949
I wanna fish! I wanna fish! I
wanna fish! Hush, Randy, hush.
464
00:25:23,950 --> 00:25:24,950
Yeah.
465
00:25:26,890 --> 00:25:30,219
All right, Ralphie.
466
00:25:30,220 --> 00:25:33,259
But I don't want him to hear
any of those awful stories.
467
00:25:33,260 --> 00:25:35,859
Oh, he doesn't understand them anyway.
468
00:25:35,860 --> 00:25:37,899
Fish.
469
00:25:37,900 --> 00:25:39,899
Now, I had done a lot of
things with my Old Man.
470
00:25:39,900 --> 00:25:42,169
Baseball games, you
know, and stuff like that.
471
00:25:42,170 --> 00:25:43,739
Okay, pal?
472
00:25:43,740 --> 00:25:46,439
But usually he didn't
seem to know I was there.
473
00:25:46,440 --> 00:25:49,040
Now, I was going fishing with my dad.
474
00:25:51,550 --> 00:25:53,749
Ah, the Orpheum Theater
475
00:25:53,750 --> 00:25:57,619
and Leopold Doppler, manager and impresario.
476
00:25:57,620 --> 00:26:00,750
My mother's great adventure
began at the movies.
477
00:26:04,530 --> 00:26:06,429
It was free dish night.
478
00:26:06,430 --> 00:26:08,359
The dinnerware of the stars.
479
00:26:08,360 --> 00:26:10,529
You know, there's an
old saying in the Midwest.
480
00:26:10,530 --> 00:26:14,569
"Never stand between an Indiana
housewife and something free."
481
00:26:14,570 --> 00:26:18,269
The ushers opened the
doors and ran for their lives.
482
00:26:22,340 --> 00:26:24,239
Oh, no, we already have gravy boats.
483
00:26:24,240 --> 00:26:26,179
I--I don't know, ma'am.
484
00:26:26,180 --> 00:26:29,019
Uh-oh. A gravy boat snafu.
485
00:26:29,020 --> 00:26:30,649
Ladies...
486
00:26:30,650 --> 00:26:33,319
Doppler, ever the showman,
stepped into the breach.
487
00:26:33,320 --> 00:26:35,189
Do be calm.
488
00:26:35,190 --> 00:26:39,129
But there has been a little
mix-up in the shipments.
489
00:26:39,130 --> 00:26:43,899
So, if you'll kindly take your
Ronald Colman gravy boat tonight,
490
00:26:43,900 --> 00:26:46,369
next week you'll exchange them
491
00:26:46,370 --> 00:26:48,769
for a ZaSu Pitts consomme bowl
492
00:26:50,240 --> 00:26:55,309
or a Carmen Miranda compote service
493
00:26:55,310 --> 00:26:57,749
or some other equally
exquisite place setting.
494
00:26:57,750 --> 00:27:00,449
Now, thank you all very much.
495
00:27:00,450 --> 00:27:03,179
A Carmen Miranda compote service.
496
00:27:03,180 --> 00:27:05,049
That'll be nice.
497
00:27:05,050 --> 00:27:06,289
What's a compote?
498
00:27:06,290 --> 00:27:07,589
Stewed fruit.
499
00:27:07,590 --> 00:27:09,789
Oh.
500
00:27:09,790 --> 00:27:14,229
All right, folks, it's time once
again for that fun game, Screeno.
501
00:27:16,560 --> 00:27:20,869
Anyone filling out a diagonal or
horizontal line with candy corn kernels
502
00:27:20,870 --> 00:27:24,239
wins a magnificent grocery prize.
503
00:27:24,240 --> 00:27:29,009
Yell out "Screeno," and now here we go!
504
00:27:29,010 --> 00:27:31,449
The number is 58.
505
00:27:31,450 --> 00:27:34,049
Screeno!
506
00:27:34,050 --> 00:27:36,319
That's very funny, sir.
507
00:27:36,320 --> 00:27:38,719
We're all laughing, I'm sure.
508
00:27:38,720 --> 00:27:40,689
Round and round she goes...
509
00:27:40,690 --> 00:27:44,120
Amazingly enough, they
did show movies occasionally.
510
00:27:47,860 --> 00:27:50,560
Boop-a-doop-a-doop-a-doop. Boop-boop-a-doop.
511
00:27:58,510 --> 00:28:02,109
Napoleon, Eisenhower, Schwarzkopf...
512
00:28:02,110 --> 00:28:03,379
Amateurs.
513
00:28:03,380 --> 00:28:05,609
In his secret heart, the Old Man knew
514
00:28:05,610 --> 00:28:09,250
that he was the greatest
military strategist of all time.
515
00:28:20,490 --> 00:28:23,929
He and Barkley began their
campaign with a sneak attack
516
00:28:23,930 --> 00:28:28,399
against the Bumpuses' elite
guard, the Bumpus hounds.
517
00:28:28,400 --> 00:28:30,030
Go, soldier, go!
518
00:28:35,010 --> 00:28:37,809
What? Had Barkley lost his mind?
519
00:28:37,810 --> 00:28:40,749
Oh, the Bumpus hounds had him now.
520
00:28:40,750 --> 00:28:43,280
Only they had forgotten one thing.
521
00:29:09,310 --> 00:29:12,109
All right, Rat Trap, time to go. Move it.
522
00:29:12,110 --> 00:29:15,219
Come on, Ralph.
523
00:29:15,220 --> 00:29:17,480
Fish.
524
00:29:20,390 --> 00:29:22,789
Wait till they get a load of this.
525
00:29:22,790 --> 00:29:26,059
Oh, Parker, this is your masterpiece.
526
00:29:26,060 --> 00:29:28,459
What are you doing? Just watch and see.
527
00:29:28,460 --> 00:29:31,499
Mess with me, Bumpus, pay the piper.
528
00:29:31,500 --> 00:29:34,169
Never forget what you're
about to see tonight.
529
00:29:34,170 --> 00:29:39,009
And remember, vengeance
is a dish best served cold.
530
00:29:39,010 --> 00:29:40,969
The Old Man was losing it.
531
00:29:40,970 --> 00:29:42,309
Oh, I loved it when that happened.
532
00:29:42,310 --> 00:29:44,549
Cozy in our little beds, are we?
533
00:29:44,550 --> 00:29:46,849
Die, Bumpus.
534
00:29:46,850 --> 00:29:48,449
Die.
535
00:29:48,450 --> 00:29:49,979
♪
536
00:29:58,530 --> 00:30:01,389
Yep, the Old Man had lost it completely.
537
00:30:01,390 --> 00:30:04,929
He thought he was Nero
just before he torched Rome.
538
00:30:07,130 --> 00:30:08,800
What in the world?
539
00:30:15,910 --> 00:30:18,009
Welcome to hell, Bumpus!
540
00:30:18,010 --> 00:30:19,949
What is that?
541
00:30:19,950 --> 00:30:23,579
The Old Man was annihilating
the Bumpuses with classical music.
542
00:30:23,580 --> 00:30:25,520
What a brilliant stroke.
543
00:30:27,890 --> 00:30:30,559
What are you doing?
544
00:30:32,890 --> 00:30:34,629
Do you hear that, Bumpus?
545
00:30:34,630 --> 00:30:36,299
That's real music! Art!
546
00:30:36,300 --> 00:30:38,059
And that's what you're
gonna get next time you
547
00:30:38,060 --> 00:30:40,229
put on that hillbilly peckerwood junk!
548
00:30:40,230 --> 00:30:43,899
You hear me, Bumpus?
549
00:30:43,900 --> 00:30:45,909
Parker, what, are you crazy?
550
00:30:45,910 --> 00:30:47,879
It's 3:00 in the morning!
551
00:30:47,880 --> 00:30:50,939
But the Old Man was dancing a victory jig.
552
00:30:50,940 --> 00:30:52,440
Pest control!
553
00:30:54,820 --> 00:31:00,319
Suddenly, we realized something was wrong.
554
00:31:00,320 --> 00:31:04,359
The Bumpuses didn't seem annoyed at all.
555
00:31:04,360 --> 00:31:07,629
In fact, they were enjoying themselves.
556
00:31:07,630 --> 00:31:10,259
A lot.
557
00:31:10,260 --> 00:31:11,629
What are they doing?
558
00:31:11,630 --> 00:31:13,629
It was my father's worst nightmare.
559
00:31:13,630 --> 00:31:19,639
A hillbilly hoedown army was
massing right there on the porch.
560
00:31:19,640 --> 00:31:23,279
The Bumpuses thought the Old
Man was having a hootenanny.
561
00:31:23,280 --> 00:31:24,579
And they were invited!
562
00:31:24,580 --> 00:31:27,379
Hold on, Parker. We'll be right there!
563
00:31:29,380 --> 00:31:33,189
Hoo-wee. A-tootin' and
a-hootin', a-bangin' and a-clangin',
564
00:31:33,190 --> 00:31:35,159
it was an army of morons.
565
00:31:35,160 --> 00:31:36,760
Go back! Go back!
566
00:31:39,690 --> 00:31:42,059
No hoedown! No hootenanny!
567
00:31:42,060 --> 00:31:45,399
No wingding! There's no party!
568
00:31:45,400 --> 00:31:50,139
Get into the house. There's no...
569
00:31:50,140 --> 00:31:53,269
No! No! Oh, my God, they're coming!
570
00:31:53,270 --> 00:31:55,439
Should I make coffee?
571
00:31:55,440 --> 00:31:57,310
Are you crazy?
572
00:32:01,950 --> 00:32:03,519
Where's the vittles?
573
00:32:03,520 --> 00:32:06,219
You can't have a hoedown without the vittles.
574
00:32:06,220 --> 00:32:07,519
Get off my porch!
575
00:32:07,520 --> 00:32:11,729
I'll call the cops! I'll
call the National Guard!
576
00:32:11,730 --> 00:32:14,559
I'll call the exterminators!
577
00:32:14,560 --> 00:32:15,799
Uh...
578
00:32:15,800 --> 00:32:17,829
Does this mean the hootenanny's off?
579
00:32:17,830 --> 00:32:20,129
The Old Man just sputtered.
580
00:32:20,130 --> 00:32:23,599
We heard the Bumpuses
caucusing outside the door.
581
00:32:23,600 --> 00:32:26,309
I think he called off the hoedown.
582
00:32:26,310 --> 00:32:29,339
Remember, Emil, he ain't too bright.
583
00:32:29,340 --> 00:32:30,779
That's right. That's right, he's stupid.
584
00:32:30,780 --> 00:32:33,009
And all the other Bumpuses agreed
585
00:32:33,010 --> 00:32:36,949
that the Old Man was kind of
simple-minded and needed to be humored.
586
00:32:36,950 --> 00:32:39,119
We gonna have our own hoedown!
587
00:32:40,250 --> 00:32:42,090
No! No!
588
00:32:45,260 --> 00:32:48,460
♪
589
00:32:53,000 --> 00:32:57,339
I'll have to resort to my ultimate weapon.
590
00:32:57,340 --> 00:32:59,269
Time to go, fish are just waking up!
591
00:32:59,270 --> 00:33:00,909
Come on, Ralph, into the car!
592
00:33:00,910 --> 00:33:03,179
You're leaving me with
this? Out of the way, runt.
593
00:33:03,180 --> 00:33:04,749
I'm gonna go fishing.
594
00:33:04,750 --> 00:33:07,079
I wanna go fishing! I wanna go fishing!
595
00:33:07,080 --> 00:33:10,219
Ralphie, you're gonna get it!
596
00:33:10,220 --> 00:33:12,950
I wanna go fishing! I wanna go fishing!
597
00:33:15,160 --> 00:33:17,919
Hey, Parker! This is fun!
598
00:33:17,920 --> 00:33:20,759
We gonna have a hoedown every morning!
599
00:33:32,670 --> 00:33:35,579
The Old Man just shrugged
off the Bumpus defeat.
600
00:33:35,580 --> 00:33:37,909
It was the first battle in a long war.
601
00:33:37,910 --> 00:33:39,449
Hold up that Coleman, Gertz.
602
00:33:39,450 --> 00:33:40,909
I want to get some repellant on the kid.
603
00:33:40,910 --> 00:33:43,049
Everyone was coated with an inch and a half
604
00:33:43,050 --> 00:33:44,789
of something called Citronella,
605
00:33:44,790 --> 00:33:46,919
reportedly a mosquito repellant.
606
00:33:46,920 --> 00:33:49,689
But actually it's a sort of
mosquito salad dressing.
607
00:33:49,690 --> 00:33:51,289
Get some on his ears.
608
00:33:51,290 --> 00:33:53,229
These skeeters love tadpole ears.
609
00:33:53,230 --> 00:33:56,629
Ah, the wax and dirt in there is
too thick for any bug to penetrate.
610
00:33:58,460 --> 00:34:00,099
Shove off, Gertz. No, no,
wait a minute. Wait a minute.
611
00:34:00,100 --> 00:34:01,669
Start the engine before we shove off.
612
00:34:01,670 --> 00:34:03,369
No, go ahead and shove off.
613
00:34:03,370 --> 00:34:05,339
All right. All right. Shoving off.
614
00:34:05,340 --> 00:34:06,809
You wanna drive? All right.
615
00:34:06,810 --> 00:34:08,369
Me? Yeah.
616
00:34:08,370 --> 00:34:10,339
Drive something with a motor on it?
617
00:34:10,340 --> 00:34:13,849
I had died and gone to heaven.
618
00:34:13,850 --> 00:34:16,019
Hang her out. Take her over there!
619
00:34:16,020 --> 00:34:19,989
Look out, crappies. Here we come.
620
00:34:19,990 --> 00:34:23,259
As we neared the center of the
lake, I couldn't believe my eyes.
621
00:34:23,260 --> 00:34:25,859
Everybody was fishing in the same place.
622
00:34:25,860 --> 00:34:26,959
Why?
623
00:34:26,960 --> 00:34:28,899
Because this is the deep hole,
624
00:34:28,900 --> 00:34:33,799
and everybody knows the deep
hole is where the crappies are.
625
00:34:33,800 --> 00:34:35,299
All 47 of them.
626
00:34:35,300 --> 00:34:38,939
All right, Zudoc. There's an opening. Hit it.
627
00:34:38,940 --> 00:34:40,839
Come on, get out of the way, will you?
628
00:34:40,840 --> 00:34:43,039
Hey, watch out.
629
00:34:43,040 --> 00:34:46,109
Right here! This is it! The spot!
630
00:34:46,110 --> 00:34:49,849
In a 30-acre lake, the Old Man
knew within a foot "the spot."
631
00:34:49,850 --> 00:34:51,649
Shut up, you moron!
632
00:34:51,650 --> 00:34:54,219
He'd actually caught a
fish there just two years ago.
633
00:34:54,220 --> 00:34:56,619
So, without looking, he tossed the anchor
634
00:34:56,620 --> 00:34:58,920
and two guys' lines got caught up in it.
635
00:35:01,690 --> 00:35:03,529
The Old Man actually said...
636
00:35:03,530 --> 00:35:05,860
Hey, don't mess with that anchor!
637
00:35:08,300 --> 00:35:10,399
Hey, people are trying to fish here!
638
00:35:10,400 --> 00:35:12,309
For crying out loud!
639
00:35:12,310 --> 00:35:14,779
Come on, kid, let's get some
of those speckled beauties.
640
00:35:14,780 --> 00:35:16,939
Inside fishing talk he'd picked up from
641
00:35:16,940 --> 00:35:19,749
some moldy edition of Outdoor Life.
642
00:35:19,750 --> 00:35:21,709
Grab your pole. Here, it's all rigged.
643
00:35:21,710 --> 00:35:23,219
Now, grab a worm.
644
00:35:23,220 --> 00:35:25,689
How do I grab him?
645
00:35:25,690 --> 00:35:29,259
Hell, there's only two ends to a
worm and they're exactly alike.
646
00:35:29,260 --> 00:35:33,729
All right, now you just
stick him on the hook.
647
00:35:33,730 --> 00:35:35,159
Ew!
648
00:35:35,160 --> 00:35:38,329
Ah, don't worry about
it. They don't feel a thing.
649
00:35:38,330 --> 00:35:41,199
You wouldn't have guessed
that by looking at the worm.
650
00:35:41,200 --> 00:35:43,369
Now, just ease your pole out.
651
00:35:43,370 --> 00:35:46,769
That's it, that's it, just ease it out there.
652
00:35:46,770 --> 00:35:49,179
Isn't the worm gonna drown? No.
653
00:35:49,180 --> 00:35:51,109
No, worms are good swimmers.
654
00:35:51,110 --> 00:35:53,709
Go get them, Tadpole.
655
00:35:53,710 --> 00:35:56,249
So, here I am.
656
00:35:56,250 --> 00:35:58,789
I'm half blind with sleepiness.
657
00:35:58,790 --> 00:36:00,919
I'm squatting in the back end of the boat
658
00:36:00,920 --> 00:36:04,959
with 87,000 ecstatic
mosquitoes sucking Citronella.
659
00:36:04,960 --> 00:36:07,629
Oh, but I'm fishing...
660
00:36:07,630 --> 00:36:10,729
I'm out of my skull with excitement.
661
00:36:14,800 --> 00:36:17,969
All right, chum. Rained
out. Time to haul her in.
662
00:36:17,970 --> 00:36:20,739
Don't worry about it. That's fishing.
663
00:36:20,740 --> 00:36:22,279
Next time you'll get a boatful.
664
00:36:22,280 --> 00:36:23,939
That's what keeps you coming back.
665
00:36:23,940 --> 00:36:25,609
Really? Yeah.
666
00:36:25,610 --> 00:36:27,149
All right, fellas, pull her in.
667
00:36:27,150 --> 00:36:28,719
We're heading for shore.
668
00:36:28,720 --> 00:36:29,949
Can I come next time?
669
00:36:29,950 --> 00:36:32,019
Oh, well, sure you can. You're a regular now.
670
00:36:32,020 --> 00:36:33,189
Wow.
671
00:36:33,190 --> 00:36:36,019
Hey, where's my fish?
672
00:36:36,020 --> 00:36:37,559
Did you throw my fish out?
673
00:36:37,560 --> 00:36:39,159
If you call that a fish.
674
00:36:39,160 --> 00:36:40,689
It was a perfectly good-sized crappie.
675
00:36:40,690 --> 00:36:42,029
You're jealous.
676
00:36:42,030 --> 00:36:43,429
Come on, where is it?
677
00:36:43,430 --> 00:36:44,799
I put it in the bait can.
678
00:36:44,800 --> 00:36:48,739
I think one of the worms ate it.
679
00:36:48,740 --> 00:36:50,339
Zudoc, pull up the anchor.
680
00:36:50,340 --> 00:36:51,769
Yeah, right.
681
00:36:51,770 --> 00:36:53,869
I wonder why they weren't biting?
682
00:36:53,870 --> 00:36:55,409
Too early. Not hot enough.
683
00:36:55,410 --> 00:36:56,879
No, I don't think so.
684
00:36:56,880 --> 00:36:59,479
No, you know, it hasn't been the same
685
00:36:59,480 --> 00:37:01,579
since Sinclair Refinery closed down.
686
00:37:01,580 --> 00:37:04,349
This water's too clean. Crappies like oil.
687
00:37:04,350 --> 00:37:06,049
That's nuts. It's television.
688
00:37:06,050 --> 00:37:07,349
What?
689
00:37:07,350 --> 00:37:10,189
Television. You know,
that new experimental stuff.
690
00:37:10,190 --> 00:37:11,559
Radio with pictures.
691
00:37:11,560 --> 00:37:13,359
They got one down at Higbee's.
692
00:37:13,360 --> 00:37:16,599
They're sending television
waves all out everywhere.
693
00:37:16,600 --> 00:37:18,399
It's killing the fish.
694
00:37:18,400 --> 00:37:20,399
It's exploding their brains.
695
00:37:20,400 --> 00:37:22,799
Ten years from now, there won't be any fish.
696
00:37:22,800 --> 00:37:25,769
Just crappie brains splattered everywhere.
697
00:37:25,770 --> 00:37:26,869
Oh, yeah?
698
00:37:26,870 --> 00:37:27,870
Absolutely.
699
00:37:34,480 --> 00:37:36,219
As we moved into July,
700
00:37:36,220 --> 00:37:39,149
I still hadn't found my killer top.
701
00:37:39,150 --> 00:37:41,789
But then I heard another
rumor on the kid grapevine,
702
00:37:41,790 --> 00:37:44,189
about a mysterious shop
703
00:37:44,190 --> 00:37:49,159
that had gotten in a line of
illegal, Chinese killer tops. Whoa!
704
00:37:49,160 --> 00:37:51,199
Are you sure they were smuggled in?
705
00:37:51,200 --> 00:37:52,929
Yeah, they're banned in this country.
706
00:37:52,930 --> 00:37:55,399
You can go to jail if you're caught with one.
707
00:37:55,400 --> 00:37:59,369
Yeah, they got knives hidden in
them that come out at super speed
708
00:37:59,370 --> 00:38:04,109
and slash the other guy's top so
fast he'll never even see it happen.
709
00:38:04,110 --> 00:38:05,479
Ah, baloney.
710
00:38:05,480 --> 00:38:06,979
That's what Kissel said.
711
00:38:06,980 --> 00:38:08,579
This big kid told him.
712
00:38:08,580 --> 00:38:11,719
Yeah, and some of them are poisoned tops.
713
00:38:11,720 --> 00:38:13,689
A poisoned top?
714
00:38:13,690 --> 00:38:17,559
I wasn't exactly sure how one
top could poison another top,
715
00:38:17,560 --> 00:38:19,560
but it sounded promising.
716
00:38:22,030 --> 00:38:23,359
Wow.
717
00:38:23,360 --> 00:38:24,899
Beautiful, ain't they?
718
00:38:24,900 --> 00:38:26,769
The poison must be in the flower.
719
00:38:26,770 --> 00:38:29,239
Shoots or squirts or something.
720
00:38:29,240 --> 00:38:30,939
The only thing was that they had
721
00:38:30,940 --> 00:38:33,009
little bitty roses painted on them.
722
00:38:33,010 --> 00:38:34,569
I don't know.
723
00:38:34,570 --> 00:38:36,179
You want? Not got all day.
724
00:38:36,180 --> 00:38:38,579
Obviously, he and old man Pulaski
725
00:38:38,580 --> 00:38:41,149
were from the same school of shopkeeping.
726
00:38:41,150 --> 00:38:42,179
You got any others?
727
00:38:42,180 --> 00:38:44,819
No others. Only top.
728
00:38:44,820 --> 00:38:47,219
Beautiful. Hand-painted.
729
00:38:47,220 --> 00:38:49,219
Hand-painted. How much?
730
00:38:49,220 --> 00:38:50,789
Twenty-five cent.
731
00:38:50,790 --> 00:38:52,729
Twenty-five cents? Twenty-five cents?
732
00:38:52,730 --> 00:38:53,789
A quarter?
733
00:38:53,790 --> 00:38:55,399
Holy smokes.
734
00:38:55,400 --> 00:38:57,859
That's my allowance for two whole weeks.
735
00:38:57,860 --> 00:39:02,239
That's cheap. Top imported.
736
00:39:02,240 --> 00:39:03,769
Imported! Imported!
737
00:39:03,770 --> 00:39:05,909
Imported!
738
00:39:05,910 --> 00:39:08,439
Imported was right up there with smuggled.
739
00:39:08,440 --> 00:39:12,379
That did it. I was convinced
Lug's days were numbered.
740
00:39:12,380 --> 00:39:14,149
Yeah. Take the red one.
741
00:39:14,150 --> 00:39:15,780
Yeah, come on. Let's go.
742
00:39:20,250 --> 00:39:22,219
Whoa. She's a beauty.
743
00:39:22,220 --> 00:39:25,129
Listen to that hum! A natural born killer.
744
00:39:25,130 --> 00:39:26,889
Hey, wow! I saw the knife.
745
00:39:26,890 --> 00:39:28,589
No. I swear.
746
00:39:28,590 --> 00:39:30,799
Zip, zip, just like that. Hey, wait.
747
00:39:30,800 --> 00:39:33,899
We better not get too close,
it might shoot out poison.
748
00:39:35,100 --> 00:39:37,569
Lug Ditka bites the dust.
749
00:39:37,570 --> 00:39:38,909
Yeah.
750
00:39:38,910 --> 00:39:41,609
Invisible knives? Poison?
751
00:39:41,610 --> 00:39:44,439
Somewhere in the primitive
recesses of my brain,
752
00:39:44,440 --> 00:39:46,879
the warrior was trying to tell me something.
753
00:39:46,880 --> 00:39:49,649
But I'm not listening.
754
00:39:49,650 --> 00:39:51,819
Come on, Lug!
755
00:39:51,820 --> 00:39:53,989
Any on the lot.
756
00:39:56,460 --> 00:39:57,689
Shut up!
757
00:39:57,690 --> 00:39:59,789
What'd you say?
758
00:40:02,230 --> 00:40:04,299
Once, some kid from another planet
759
00:40:04,300 --> 00:40:06,299
had been stupid enough to tell Lug
760
00:40:06,300 --> 00:40:09,969
that playing marbles with
ball bearings wasn't fair.
761
00:40:09,970 --> 00:40:12,409
I don't want to talk about
what happened next.
762
00:40:12,410 --> 00:40:15,639
Well, old Lug did it again.
763
00:40:15,640 --> 00:40:19,349
Yeah, you gotta be a real
moron to go against old Lug.
764
00:40:19,350 --> 00:40:22,119
Flick and Schwartz were sent in to bait Lug.
765
00:40:22,120 --> 00:40:24,419
Where are you guys from? The moon?
766
00:40:24,420 --> 00:40:26,689
You're going up against Lug Ditka?
767
00:40:26,690 --> 00:40:30,689
They did it with their usual
savoir-faire and subtlety.
768
00:40:30,690 --> 00:40:35,699
Gee, you gotta be crazy to go
against Lug Ditka in marbles or in tops.
769
00:40:35,700 --> 00:40:39,899
We know a guy who's got a Chinese
killer top smuggled in from China.
770
00:40:39,900 --> 00:40:42,969
Even he won't go against old Lug.
771
00:40:42,970 --> 00:40:44,169
What'd you say?
772
00:40:44,170 --> 00:40:46,869
Uh, uh, nothing, Lug. Uh, nothing.
773
00:40:50,710 --> 00:40:53,449
Who's got a Chinese top? Who?
774
00:40:53,450 --> 00:40:55,750
Parker! Parker's got it!
775
00:40:57,850 --> 00:41:00,549
Suddenly, the air was charged.
776
00:41:00,550 --> 00:41:04,259
I stepped up, cockiness
oozing from every pore.
777
00:41:04,260 --> 00:41:06,289
All right, let's see it.
778
00:41:06,290 --> 00:41:08,859
In your face, Ditka.
779
00:41:08,860 --> 00:41:12,599
Then, there was a long,
silent, disbelieving moment.
780
00:41:12,600 --> 00:41:14,529
And I knew I was in trouble.
781
00:41:14,530 --> 00:41:16,139
What is that?
782
00:41:16,140 --> 00:41:19,469
It's got things painted on it.
783
00:41:19,470 --> 00:41:23,339
I'll be damned. Roses.
784
00:41:23,340 --> 00:41:25,779
I-It's got little, bitty roses painted on it.
785
00:41:25,780 --> 00:41:29,779
A small ripple of laughter starts to swell.
786
00:41:29,780 --> 00:41:31,049
And then disaster.
787
00:41:31,050 --> 00:41:32,649
Well, I think it's pretty.
788
00:41:32,650 --> 00:41:34,289
Oh, no.
789
00:41:34,290 --> 00:41:35,850
Oh, no.
790
00:41:37,490 --> 00:41:39,720
The ripple turned into a tidal wave.
791
00:41:41,860 --> 00:41:44,659
Of course, Flick and
Schwartz stayed at my side
792
00:41:44,660 --> 00:41:46,369
right to the bitter end.
793
00:41:46,370 --> 00:41:49,400
It was only a joke. Can't you take a joke?
794
00:41:55,780 --> 00:41:58,509
Behind me, I heard Lug's parting shot.
795
00:41:58,510 --> 00:42:01,410
Be sure to water it when you get home.
796
00:42:08,420 --> 00:42:10,659
It's the tax collector, for crying out loud.
797
00:42:10,660 --> 00:42:13,759
Ralphie! You get up here right now!
798
00:42:13,760 --> 00:42:17,329
In those days, the Indiana
personal property tax
799
00:42:17,330 --> 00:42:20,369
was very, very personal.
800
00:42:20,370 --> 00:42:24,339
All personal property
was evaluated and taxed.
801
00:42:24,340 --> 00:42:26,269
All personal property.
802
00:42:26,270 --> 00:42:29,739
Footstools, footballs, fielder's mitts,
803
00:42:29,740 --> 00:42:33,309
egg beaters, dentures. Everything.
804
00:42:33,310 --> 00:42:36,319
It's the tax collector, for crying out
loud. Go ahead, hurry up, hurry up.
805
00:42:36,320 --> 00:42:38,749
Take the radio. Take it down to the coal bin.
806
00:42:38,750 --> 00:42:41,449
Bring up the old radio. Bring
up the old radio. It's all right.
807
00:42:41,450 --> 00:42:43,419
Okay, hurry up. That's old. That's old.
808
00:42:43,420 --> 00:42:45,289
Sit down, Randy! That's old.
809
00:42:45,290 --> 00:42:47,159
Let's see. That's old,
that's old, that's old.
810
00:42:47,160 --> 00:42:48,560
That's new!
811
00:42:50,300 --> 00:42:52,199
All right!
812
00:42:52,200 --> 00:42:54,769
Oh, no, she was forgetting
about the elephant foot end table.
813
00:42:54,770 --> 00:42:55,900
That's new.
814
00:42:57,870 --> 00:42:59,269
Old, old, old
815
00:42:59,270 --> 00:43:01,009
The fish!
816
00:43:01,010 --> 00:43:04,809
Numbskull! He's not gonna
ask how old the fish are.
817
00:43:04,810 --> 00:43:07,549
All right. Everything's old.
818
00:43:07,550 --> 00:43:09,949
Ralphie, Ralph. Come
here. Come here. Sit down.
819
00:43:09,950 --> 00:43:11,419
Sit up, sit up, sit up.
820
00:43:11,420 --> 00:43:13,289
Put your hands in your laps. Okay.
821
00:43:13,290 --> 00:43:14,519
Shh, shh, shh.
822
00:43:14,520 --> 00:43:15,589
Don't say a word.
823
00:43:15,590 --> 00:43:17,089
Don't open your little mouths.
824
00:43:17,090 --> 00:43:18,589
Just--just remain calm.
825
00:43:18,590 --> 00:43:20,320
We have nothing to hide anyway.
826
00:43:27,270 --> 00:43:30,500
Oh, smooth, Mom. He'll never suspect a thing.
827
00:43:32,910 --> 00:43:35,579
Mr. Winchell, what a pleasant surprise.
828
00:43:35,580 --> 00:43:37,009
New rug, how much?
829
00:43:37,010 --> 00:43:39,179
That floor lamp isn't on last year's list.
830
00:43:39,180 --> 00:43:40,449
How much?
831
00:43:40,450 --> 00:43:43,149
I presume the nylon
stockings are new. How much?
832
00:43:43,150 --> 00:43:45,279
End table made out of a hollowed-out foot
833
00:43:45,280 --> 00:43:46,719
of an elephant. How much?
834
00:43:46,720 --> 00:43:47,919
The elephant foot's table.
835
00:43:47,920 --> 00:43:49,289
My mother had to think fast now.
836
00:43:49,290 --> 00:43:51,159
Well, you see, the elephant died
837
00:43:51,160 --> 00:43:52,959
when the circus came through last year
838
00:43:52,960 --> 00:43:55,259
and they were going to
throw the foot out anyway.
839
00:43:55,260 --> 00:43:57,399
And my husband, he's very handy at... Uh-huh!
840
00:43:57,400 --> 00:43:58,699
A new refrigerator!
841
00:43:58,700 --> 00:44:02,599
Oh, oh, new when Washington
crossed the Delaware.
842
00:44:02,600 --> 00:44:04,499
No, we got that at the Salvation Army.
843
00:44:04,500 --> 00:44:06,569
It burns out all the time
and makes a funny noise.
844
00:44:06,570 --> 00:44:07,809
Uh-huh!
845
00:44:07,810 --> 00:44:09,839
This is the first time in months
846
00:44:09,840 --> 00:44:12,709
that it's stopped making that noise.
847
00:44:12,710 --> 00:44:14,649
Sounds pretty good to me.
848
00:44:14,650 --> 00:44:16,649
We can't even sleep when it's going.
849
00:44:16,650 --> 00:44:18,619
It's not worth the $4 we paid for it.
850
00:44:18,620 --> 00:44:20,649
What a gyp. Hmm.
851
00:44:20,650 --> 00:44:23,919
Fresh liverwurst. Twelve cents a pound.
852
00:44:23,920 --> 00:44:26,829
You're taxing our liverwurst?
853
00:44:26,830 --> 00:44:28,359
What about you, sonny?
854
00:44:28,360 --> 00:44:30,959
Were you with your mom
when she bought this refrigerator
855
00:44:30,960 --> 00:44:34,329
down at Higbee's department store?
856
00:44:34,330 --> 00:44:37,069
We got the refrigerator
at the Salvation Army.
857
00:44:37,070 --> 00:44:39,369
I remember we bought
two pencils at Higbee's once.
858
00:44:39,370 --> 00:44:41,439
Who did this guy think he was messing with?
859
00:44:41,440 --> 00:44:43,909
I was assessor-proofed years ago.
860
00:44:43,910 --> 00:44:45,279
What a rookie. Uh-huh.
861
00:44:45,280 --> 00:44:47,079
And what about you, little boy?
862
00:44:47,080 --> 00:44:49,779
I'm sorry, sir. He doesn't speak any English.
863
00:44:49,780 --> 00:44:53,020
Well, not with your hand
stuffed in his mouth, he doesn't.
864
00:44:59,490 --> 00:45:01,759
And what happened to the serial number?
865
00:45:01,760 --> 00:45:04,359
All the vibrations wore it off.
866
00:45:04,360 --> 00:45:06,069
Uh-huh.
867
00:45:06,070 --> 00:45:07,600
And he was off.
868
00:45:09,800 --> 00:45:14,509
Room by room, closet after
closet, all over the house they went,
869
00:45:14,510 --> 00:45:18,479
my mother keeping up a running counterpoint.
870
00:45:18,480 --> 00:45:21,479
He even checked the chimney
for a secret compartment.
871
00:45:21,480 --> 00:45:23,979
Hey, this guy was better than I thought.
872
00:45:23,980 --> 00:45:25,420
Do you mind?
873
00:45:29,820 --> 00:45:32,060
How old are these fish?
874
00:45:42,700 --> 00:45:43,700
Uh-huh.
875
00:45:47,470 --> 00:45:49,679
Little red wagon not new, either, l guess.
876
00:45:49,680 --> 00:45:53,749
No, sorry. Got it last Christmas.
877
00:45:53,750 --> 00:45:54,779
What do you got, Dad?
878
00:45:54,780 --> 00:45:56,519
Ammunition. You know what this is?
879
00:45:56,520 --> 00:45:58,919
No, what? The blueprint
from the Bumpus house.
880
00:45:58,920 --> 00:46:00,089
Here, let me show you.
881
00:46:00,090 --> 00:46:02,559
This is the whole ball of wax.
882
00:46:02,560 --> 00:46:03,919
There could be secret entrances.
883
00:46:03,920 --> 00:46:05,389
Ah! I think that could be one right there.
884
00:46:05,390 --> 00:46:07,059
That could be one right there.
885
00:46:07,060 --> 00:46:08,429
This'll be my ultimate weapon.
886
00:46:08,430 --> 00:46:09,759
They'll never know what hit them!
887
00:46:09,760 --> 00:46:11,829
Dad, can I talk to you for a minute?
888
00:46:11,830 --> 00:46:14,399
Yeah, sure. Fire away.
889
00:46:14,400 --> 00:46:17,569
There's this kid who always
beats everybody at everything.
890
00:46:17,570 --> 00:46:19,569
You know marbles,
slingshots, stuff like that.
891
00:46:19,570 --> 00:46:20,709
Yeah, yeah.
892
00:46:20,710 --> 00:46:21,839
Well, now it's tops.
893
00:46:21,840 --> 00:46:23,339
You know, spinning tops you fight with?
894
00:46:23,340 --> 00:46:25,309
Oh, don't get me started on fighting tops.
895
00:46:25,310 --> 00:46:27,049
I had a killer in my day.
896
00:46:27,050 --> 00:46:30,649
They had tops way back when you were a kid?
897
00:46:30,650 --> 00:46:32,649
Well, yeah, we made them out of mud then.
898
00:46:32,650 --> 00:46:36,789
We didn't have steel and wood and
stuff like that all the way back then.
899
00:46:36,790 --> 00:46:37,959
Huh?
900
00:46:37,960 --> 00:46:41,229
Ah, never mind, so w-w-what's the problem?
901
00:46:41,230 --> 00:46:42,899
I really want to beat this guy.
902
00:46:42,900 --> 00:46:44,699
But he's got a killer top, and...
903
00:46:44,700 --> 00:46:48,229
And you want to find a way to
get the greatest top ever made?
904
00:46:48,230 --> 00:46:50,399
I looked all over town.
905
00:46:50,400 --> 00:46:53,100
Let me see. Maybe I can make one for you.
906
00:46:54,740 --> 00:46:57,209
That's pretty tricky. You know what? What?
907
00:46:57,210 --> 00:46:58,879
The Exposition! The World's Exposition.
908
00:46:58,880 --> 00:47:00,309
Coming to Chicago at the end of summer.
909
00:47:00,310 --> 00:47:02,419
They have stuff from all over the world.
910
00:47:02,420 --> 00:47:04,179
Tops, too? Oh, yeah.
911
00:47:04,180 --> 00:47:08,719
They got tops from Russia, from
Japan, from Fiji, from Timbuktu.
912
00:47:08,720 --> 00:47:12,989
Gypsy tops. You name it. That's the ticket.
913
00:47:12,990 --> 00:47:16,399
Get yourself a gypsy top.
914
00:47:16,400 --> 00:47:18,729
Where you going?
915
00:47:18,730 --> 00:47:20,029
It's dish night.
916
00:47:20,030 --> 00:47:21,769
What are you gonna get, another gravy boat?
917
00:47:21,770 --> 00:47:23,370
What do you got, four already?
918
00:47:25,370 --> 00:47:26,709
Three.
919
00:47:26,710 --> 00:47:29,439
Oh, you may jest, but for your information
920
00:47:29,440 --> 00:47:32,249
tonight we have Mr. Doppler's
personal guarantee.
921
00:47:32,250 --> 00:47:36,580
We are receiving a Fay Bainter aspic tureen.
922
00:47:42,860 --> 00:47:45,059
Aspic tureen.
923
00:47:45,060 --> 00:47:46,729
I'll be in the war room.
924
00:47:46,730 --> 00:47:52,299
♪ Come away with me, Lucile ♪
925
00:47:52,300 --> 00:47:53,699
You guessed it.
926
00:47:53,700 --> 00:47:55,799
Another mix-up in the shipments.
927
00:47:55,800 --> 00:48:00,369
And now the housewives all had
four Ronald Colman gravy boats.
928
00:48:00,370 --> 00:48:02,509
Let's hear the sopranos!
929
00:48:02,510 --> 00:48:04,379
Talk about a tough audience.
930
00:48:04,380 --> 00:48:05,709
Okay.
931
00:48:05,710 --> 00:48:08,149
I pronounce you man and wife.
932
00:48:09,650 --> 00:48:13,049
Come on, come on, go to it.
933
00:48:13,050 --> 00:48:14,890
Hold tight, there's a quick one there...
934
00:48:17,320 --> 00:48:18,989
As the summer wore on
935
00:48:18,990 --> 00:48:21,489
the Old Man was spending
most of his spare time
936
00:48:21,490 --> 00:48:24,700
in the war room, working
on his secret project.
937
00:48:26,930 --> 00:48:30,339
At Cedar Lake, after six crappie-less weeks
938
00:48:30,340 --> 00:48:33,439
people began, at last, to
abandon the deep hole theory.
939
00:48:33,440 --> 00:48:35,669
One guy would move off to another area.
940
00:48:35,670 --> 00:48:40,040
At the first hint of a bite, all
17,000 boats would dash over.
941
00:48:44,220 --> 00:48:47,589
Every once in a while, a
Bumpus on his way to the outhouse
942
00:48:47,590 --> 00:48:49,850
would forget about the back porch.
943
00:49:11,310 --> 00:49:12,779
♪
944
00:49:12,780 --> 00:49:14,679
♪ Mairzy doats and dozy
doats and liddle lamzy divey ♪
945
00:49:14,680 --> 00:49:17,779
♪ A kiddley divey too, wouldn't you? ♪
946
00:49:17,780 --> 00:49:21,289
♪ Yes! Mairzy doats and dozy
doats and liddle lamzy divey ♪
947
00:49:21,290 --> 00:49:22,459
♪ A kiddley divey... ♪
948
00:49:22,460 --> 00:49:24,519
So, what do you think of the Cubs?
949
00:49:24,520 --> 00:49:25,789
Seventh place?
950
00:49:25,790 --> 00:49:27,659
I don't know. Maybe.
951
00:49:27,660 --> 00:49:31,099
♪ ... to your ear, a little bit... ♪
952
00:49:31,100 --> 00:49:33,829
Vacation was drawing to a close,
953
00:49:33,830 --> 00:49:37,639
and my frustration with Lug
and Mariah was boundless.
954
00:49:37,640 --> 00:49:40,509
But tomorrow was the
opening of the World Exposition,
955
00:49:40,510 --> 00:49:43,209
so, all in all, the summer
was rolling along okay.
956
00:49:43,210 --> 00:49:44,609
What's that? Come on! Hey!
957
00:49:44,610 --> 00:49:45,879
Then something strange happened.
958
00:49:45,880 --> 00:49:47,249
What does it say?
959
00:49:47,250 --> 00:49:49,349
It was Junior Kissel's house.
960
00:49:49,350 --> 00:49:50,949
And there was this big sign.
961
00:49:50,950 --> 00:49:52,989
What's an auction? Auction?
962
00:49:52,990 --> 00:49:57,919
Our old instincts, deep and
animal-like, told us that it was serious.
963
00:49:57,920 --> 00:49:59,759
Now, later that night,
964
00:49:59,760 --> 00:50:02,399
the Kissels came over and
we were sent to bed early.
965
00:50:02,400 --> 00:50:05,559
Downstairs, there was a
lot of quiet talk and crying.
966
00:50:05,560 --> 00:50:07,899
I lay there, unable to sleep,
967
00:50:07,900 --> 00:50:10,969
torn between the rising
anticipation of the Exposition
968
00:50:10,970 --> 00:50:15,539
and the vague unsettling atmosphere
surrounding the Kissel house.
969
00:50:15,540 --> 00:50:17,979
All right, sir.
970
00:50:17,980 --> 00:50:19,679
And that's item 38.
971
00:50:19,680 --> 00:50:22,979
Old furniture in the light of a bright sky
972
00:50:22,980 --> 00:50:27,019
seems more tired and worn
than anything else I know.
973
00:50:27,020 --> 00:50:30,489
In an eerie way, more human, too.
974
00:50:30,490 --> 00:50:34,559
No one wanted the mattress that had
come down from Mrs. Kissel's parents
975
00:50:34,560 --> 00:50:37,029
and had seen the raising of 10 kids.
976
00:50:37,030 --> 00:50:38,759
Ladies and gentlemen,
977
00:50:38,760 --> 00:50:41,799
genuine World War I doughboy helmet.
978
00:50:41,800 --> 00:50:45,199
75. Ought to bring something
like 75 cents, at least.
979
00:50:45,200 --> 00:50:47,539
75 cents for this doughboy helmet.
980
00:50:47,540 --> 00:50:48,869
Can I get 75?
981
00:50:48,870 --> 00:50:51,079
75 cents, who will bid 75 cents?
982
00:50:51,080 --> 00:50:55,579
Mrs. Kissel watched as Grandpa
Kissel's helmet went for a quarter.
983
00:50:55,580 --> 00:50:58,649
Only strangers from other
parts of town were bidding.
984
00:50:58,650 --> 00:51:02,659
All the Kissels' neighbors just watched.
985
00:51:02,660 --> 00:51:06,159
I sure hope they find Junior.
986
00:51:06,160 --> 00:51:07,889
Kissel was one of my best pals.
987
00:51:07,890 --> 00:51:10,329
He played on the same ball team with me.
988
00:51:10,330 --> 00:51:12,699
He'd been missing all morning.
989
00:51:12,700 --> 00:51:14,969
Now, I knew where Junior was.
990
00:51:14,970 --> 00:51:16,699
He was hiding in the attic.
991
00:51:16,700 --> 00:51:18,469
I didn't say anything.
992
00:51:18,470 --> 00:51:21,940
Even Randy had the good sense
not to fuss about the Exposition.
993
00:51:24,710 --> 00:51:28,709
Later, someone said the Kissels
had gone to stay with relatives.
994
00:51:28,710 --> 00:51:30,979
The next week a "For Rent" sign appeared
995
00:51:30,980 --> 00:51:32,849
on the Kissels' front lawn.
996
00:51:32,850 --> 00:51:35,889
Not long after, a new family moved in.
997
00:51:35,890 --> 00:51:38,220
I never saw Junior Kissel again.
998
00:51:40,160 --> 00:51:43,099
Now, I knew what an auction was.
999
00:51:43,100 --> 00:51:46,499
We were all very quiet
on the ride to the fair.
1000
00:51:46,500 --> 00:51:48,569
But that's the way things were then.
1001
00:51:48,570 --> 00:51:52,309
And they still are, for that matter.
1002
00:51:52,310 --> 00:51:54,409
Ah! The World Exposition.
1003
00:51:54,410 --> 00:51:59,109
A place where they had
everything a kid ever wanted to see.
1004
00:51:59,110 --> 00:52:02,479
But we were still two long blocks away.
1005
00:52:02,480 --> 00:52:04,719
Just as we were about to start moving,
1006
00:52:04,720 --> 00:52:08,919
the Buick in front of
us died a horrible death.
1007
00:52:08,920 --> 00:52:12,229
The Old Man was having the
time of his life being miserable.
1008
00:52:13,430 --> 00:52:14,629
It was what he did best.
1009
00:52:14,630 --> 00:52:15,789
Sleeping Jesus!
1010
00:52:15,790 --> 00:52:18,929
Are you gonna park that wreck or drive it?
1011
00:52:18,930 --> 00:52:22,839
After 40 steaming minutes,
we rounded a corner
1012
00:52:22,840 --> 00:52:25,970
and there it was in all its glory.
1013
00:52:31,980 --> 00:52:34,449
Oh, another five-minute wait.
1014
00:52:34,450 --> 00:52:36,749
The Old Man tried to sneak by.
1015
00:52:36,750 --> 00:52:38,219
Hold it!
1016
00:52:38,220 --> 00:52:39,720
Son of a bitch!
1017
00:52:42,220 --> 00:52:43,489
What was that, buddy?
1018
00:52:43,490 --> 00:52:45,389
The Old Man turned on his "innocent" voice.
1019
00:52:45,390 --> 00:52:47,159
I'm sorry, Officer?
1020
00:52:47,160 --> 00:52:50,459
Did I hear you calling me a "son of a bitch"?
1021
00:52:50,460 --> 00:52:51,829
I beg your pardon, sir?
1022
00:52:51,830 --> 00:52:54,069
He suddenly became hard of hearing, too.
1023
00:52:54,070 --> 00:52:56,939
Did you call me a son of a bitch?
1024
00:52:56,940 --> 00:52:59,409
Oh, heavens, no. Mercy me, Officer.
1025
00:52:59,410 --> 00:53:01,339
Good gracious, no.
1026
00:53:01,340 --> 00:53:02,979
You just watch your lip, buddy.
1027
00:53:02,980 --> 00:53:04,579
Oh, bless my buttons, sir.
1028
00:53:04,580 --> 00:53:06,279
I, I certainly will.
1029
00:53:06,280 --> 00:53:08,549
T-that is excellent advice, Officer.
1030
00:53:08,550 --> 00:53:11,449
I--I--I certainly appreciate that--that...
1031
00:53:11,450 --> 00:53:13,619
Heavens to Betsy, I certainly will.
1032
00:53:13,620 --> 00:53:15,719
Thank you very much, Officer.
1033
00:53:15,720 --> 00:53:17,920
The Old Man was certainly sincere.
1034
00:53:21,730 --> 00:53:23,030
Son of a bitch.
1035
00:53:24,930 --> 00:53:26,169
We were long gone.
1036
00:53:26,170 --> 00:53:28,200
The Old Man was a master.
1037
00:53:29,870 --> 00:53:32,769
Why don't we go to the World
Fun Center and ride the rides?
1038
00:53:32,770 --> 00:53:38,139
These look good. The Singapore
Sling, the Banzai, the Watusi Whip.
1039
00:53:38,140 --> 00:53:40,509
I wanna go on the rides!
I wanna go on the rides!
1040
00:53:40,510 --> 00:53:42,949
You'll just get sick again.
1041
00:53:42,950 --> 00:53:45,019
I wanna get sick! I wanna get sick!
1042
00:53:45,020 --> 00:53:47,949
I wanna get sick!
1043
00:53:47,950 --> 00:53:49,259
What about you, Ralph?
1044
00:53:49,260 --> 00:53:51,659
Oh, I know what you want.
1045
00:53:51,660 --> 00:53:53,329
"The International Bazaar."
1046
00:53:53,330 --> 00:53:56,899
"All the treasures on earth in two acres."
1047
00:53:56,900 --> 00:53:58,299
What does he want?
1048
00:53:58,300 --> 00:54:01,829
Never mind, woman, this
is man's business. Here.
1049
00:54:01,830 --> 00:54:04,339
Take a buck. Now, you gotta haggle.
1050
00:54:04,340 --> 00:54:06,069
They expect you to haggle.
1051
00:54:06,070 --> 00:54:08,109
What is all this about?
1052
00:54:08,110 --> 00:54:13,449
Never mind. Now, look for a
shop where the women go like this.
1053
00:54:13,450 --> 00:54:15,879
And that'll be your spot. What?
1054
00:54:15,880 --> 00:54:17,449
Don't worry about it.
1055
00:54:17,450 --> 00:54:20,149
Now I'm gonna go check
out "The Cars of the Cosmos."
1056
00:54:20,150 --> 00:54:21,389
Synchronize your watch.
1057
00:54:21,390 --> 00:54:23,550
We'll all meet back here in two hours.
1058
00:54:31,600 --> 00:54:35,329
I was seeing things I had
never seen before. Oh, boy!
1059
00:54:35,330 --> 00:54:36,699
It was definitely, for example,
1060
00:54:36,700 --> 00:54:39,139
my first glimpse of the
wrong side of a camel.
1061
00:54:39,140 --> 00:54:40,670
Now there's a sight.
1062
00:54:42,680 --> 00:54:45,279
Oh, this is so wonderful.
1063
00:54:45,280 --> 00:54:47,679
I wanna go on the rides!
I wanna go on the rides!
1064
00:54:47,680 --> 00:54:49,519
Ralphie, I...
1065
00:54:49,520 --> 00:54:52,919
Don't you dare leave the
bazaar area, do you understand?
1066
00:54:52,920 --> 00:54:54,219
We'll be gone for about an hour.
1067
00:54:54,220 --> 00:54:55,849
Do not leave this area.
1068
00:54:55,850 --> 00:54:56,889
All right.
1069
00:54:56,890 --> 00:54:59,329
All right.
1070
00:54:59,330 --> 00:55:02,129
And don't buy anything nasty. Do you hear me?
1071
00:55:02,130 --> 00:55:04,159
I'm not gonna.
1072
00:55:07,570 --> 00:55:11,969
At last, I was alone. Where to start?
1073
00:55:19,210 --> 00:55:21,849
Psst, psst!
1074
00:55:21,850 --> 00:55:24,549
Psst, psst!
1075
00:55:24,550 --> 00:55:26,750
Over here, sonny.
1076
00:55:28,590 --> 00:55:33,129
You're looking for a very special top, yes?
1077
00:55:33,130 --> 00:55:34,659
You got tops?
1078
00:55:34,660 --> 00:55:36,529
Tops? Yes!
1079
00:55:36,530 --> 00:55:40,130
We got tops! Come in, come in.
1080
00:55:45,770 --> 00:55:48,109
Stay right here, sonny.
1081
00:55:49,880 --> 00:55:55,279
I wouldn't sell this top
to just anybody, sonny.
1082
00:55:55,280 --> 00:55:59,819
I can tell you really need a top, sonny.
1083
00:55:59,820 --> 00:56:03,489
A vague hint of rare incense struck me.
1084
00:56:03,490 --> 00:56:07,389
I didn't recognize a
single object in the place.
1085
00:56:07,390 --> 00:56:09,189
This had to be it.
1086
00:56:09,190 --> 00:56:10,599
There you are.
1087
00:56:10,600 --> 00:56:12,529
Great Scott! Cradled in her talons
1088
00:56:12,530 --> 00:56:16,339
lay a malevolent duplicate of Evil Mariah.
1089
00:56:16,340 --> 00:56:20,209
This is what you need.
1090
00:56:20,210 --> 00:56:22,039
A gypsy top!
1091
00:56:22,040 --> 00:56:25,709
I swear, a heavenly chord
echoed through the tent.
1092
00:56:25,710 --> 00:56:30,550
It's a gypsy top. And just $1.
1093
00:56:39,120 --> 00:56:40,690
Okay, pal.
1094
00:56:47,030 --> 00:56:49,739
You went through a lot
of trouble here, mister.
1095
00:56:49,740 --> 00:56:52,099
Yeah.
1096
00:56:52,100 --> 00:56:53,670
Must be a good kid.
1097
00:56:55,510 --> 00:56:56,870
Yeah, he's okay.
1098
00:57:01,950 --> 00:57:05,179
Are you reading under the blanket again?
1099
00:57:05,180 --> 00:57:08,489
Turn that flashlight off and go to bed
1100
00:57:08,490 --> 00:57:11,119
and put the top away.
1101
00:57:11,120 --> 00:57:14,559
And off l drifted, ablaze with imagined glory
1102
00:57:14,560 --> 00:57:17,129
and filled with reckless
courage, as I looked forward
1103
00:57:17,130 --> 00:57:21,369
to sunrise and the showdown
between Mariah and Wolf,
1104
00:57:21,370 --> 00:57:23,269
as I had dubbed her.
1105
00:57:23,270 --> 00:57:28,309
♪
1106
00:58:05,310 --> 00:58:06,709
We're gonna play keepers.
1107
00:58:06,710 --> 00:58:07,740
Right.
1108
00:58:09,820 --> 00:58:12,989
Keepers meant that one
kid would own both tops.
1109
00:58:12,990 --> 00:58:14,919
If his top could drive the other top
1110
00:58:14,920 --> 00:58:17,989
out of the chalk circle, he owned it.
1111
00:58:17,990 --> 00:58:20,189
It was Wolf against Mariah.
1112
00:58:20,190 --> 00:58:25,029
A battle of titans. A shoot-out.
1113
00:58:25,030 --> 00:58:30,099
First one with five kills
wins the other guy's top.
1114
00:58:30,100 --> 00:58:31,699
You're on.
1115
00:59:11,340 --> 00:59:14,179
I sensed a great life
lesson was in the offing.
1116
00:59:14,180 --> 00:59:15,979
What was the lesson?
1117
00:59:15,980 --> 00:59:17,879
"Kill or be killed"?
1118
00:59:17,880 --> 00:59:20,349
"To the victor belongs the spoils"? What?
1119
00:59:20,350 --> 00:59:21,990
What lesson?
1120
00:59:30,500 --> 00:59:32,829
Only one man would walk away.
1121
00:59:32,830 --> 00:59:34,399
It was do or die.
1122
00:59:34,400 --> 00:59:35,899
Do or die!
1123
00:59:35,900 --> 00:59:39,369
Dog eat dog. May the best man win.
1124
00:59:39,370 --> 00:59:41,040
Teach me, life, teach me.
1125
00:59:57,190 --> 01:00:01,089
Suddenly, it was as if
they had wills of their own.
1126
01:00:01,090 --> 01:00:03,699
We were no longer in control.
1127
01:00:03,700 --> 01:00:05,099
They were.
1128
01:00:05,100 --> 01:00:07,029
And it was a battle to the death.
1129
01:00:07,030 --> 01:00:09,599
Only one top would walk away.
1130
01:00:09,600 --> 01:00:11,569
If tops could walk, that is.
1131
01:00:11,570 --> 01:00:14,169
But, then, with a headlong rush,
1132
01:00:14,170 --> 01:00:17,339
they headed out of the circle.
1133
01:00:17,340 --> 01:00:18,979
Only they didn't stop.
1134
01:00:18,980 --> 01:00:21,249
They toppled over the curb into the gutter.
1135
01:00:21,250 --> 01:00:25,019
Clicking, snarling, crazily out of control.
1136
01:00:25,020 --> 01:00:27,449
We saw them down in the drain.
1137
01:00:27,450 --> 01:00:30,359
Mariah turning and lunging at Wolf.
1138
01:00:30,360 --> 01:00:33,389
Wolf pursuing Mariah.
1139
01:00:33,390 --> 01:00:37,190
Fierce. Relentless. Savage.
1140
01:00:38,900 --> 01:00:41,269
We could hear them below in the sewer
1141
01:00:41,270 --> 01:00:44,839
for a long time still locked
in a death's embrace.
1142
01:00:44,840 --> 01:00:49,039
And then, just like that it was over.
1143
01:00:49,040 --> 01:00:53,079
They were gone. Forever.
1144
01:00:53,080 --> 01:00:55,780
A tie. A lousy tie.
1145
01:01:12,230 --> 01:01:13,730
Good try, Ralph. Good try, Ralph.
1146
01:01:15,870 --> 01:01:17,099
Good try, Ralph.
1147
01:01:17,100 --> 01:01:18,769
This was the lesson life had to teach me.
1148
01:01:18,770 --> 01:01:20,509
A lousy tie!
1149
01:01:20,510 --> 01:01:22,779
That's a lesson for you. Nobody wins.
1150
01:01:22,780 --> 01:01:24,210
Son of a...
1151
01:01:34,190 --> 01:01:35,489
Dinner's on the table!
1152
01:01:35,490 --> 01:01:37,419
If you want it hot, come now.
1153
01:01:37,420 --> 01:01:39,520
Randy, stop picking at that food.
1154
01:01:41,260 --> 01:01:45,529
Did you hear what I said? Get up here!
1155
01:01:45,530 --> 01:01:47,469
Yes, dear. Yes, dear. Right away, dear.
1156
01:01:47,470 --> 01:01:48,969
If I'm gonna go to the trouble to cook,
1157
01:01:48,970 --> 01:01:51,130
then the least you can
do is eat it. Yes, dear.
1158
01:01:52,840 --> 01:01:54,469
Mmm.
1159
01:01:54,470 --> 01:01:56,739
It was dish night.
1160
01:01:56,740 --> 01:01:59,279
These days, everyone tiptoed very gently
1161
01:01:59,280 --> 01:02:03,249
around my mother on dish night.
1162
01:02:03,250 --> 01:02:05,849
I want the dishes done and your
room cleaned when I come home tonight,
1163
01:02:05,850 --> 01:02:08,089
or no fishing. Got it?
1164
01:02:08,090 --> 01:02:12,789
And if you say one word to
Randy about fishing, I'll kill you.
1165
01:02:12,790 --> 01:02:14,290
Okay, sweetie?
1166
01:02:16,630 --> 01:02:18,499
A death sentence. Sure, why not?
1167
01:02:19,560 --> 01:02:20,830
It didn't matter now.
1168
01:02:23,840 --> 01:02:26,069
Tonight's the night, chum.
1169
01:02:26,070 --> 01:02:28,369
The ultimate weapon is on the line.
1170
01:02:28,370 --> 01:02:30,109
Just us and the Bumpuses.
1171
01:02:30,110 --> 01:02:33,749
Eyeball to eyeball.
1172
01:02:33,750 --> 01:02:36,280
What's the difference? It'll just be a tie.
1173
01:02:38,150 --> 01:02:40,520
There's worse things than a tie, kiddo.
1174
01:02:42,820 --> 01:02:44,819
I had met my Waterloo
1175
01:02:44,820 --> 01:02:48,059
and now my parents were
marching off to meet theirs.
1176
01:02:48,060 --> 01:02:49,859
By daybreak, the Parker house
1177
01:02:49,860 --> 01:02:53,699
would be a festering pit of despair.
1178
01:02:53,700 --> 01:02:57,199
Futile, Randy. Utterly futile.
1179
01:02:57,200 --> 01:02:58,200
Yep.
1180
01:03:09,680 --> 01:03:11,879
Ladies, we have at long last
1181
01:03:11,880 --> 01:03:14,189
resolved our delivery difficulties.
1182
01:03:14,190 --> 01:03:18,589
And next week we'll be proud to
present the Bela Lugosi finger bowl.
1183
01:03:18,590 --> 01:03:20,029
A-and the week after that,
1184
01:03:20,030 --> 01:03:22,529
the Tallulah Bankhead buffet decanter.
1185
01:03:22,530 --> 01:03:26,499
Our shipping problems
will have come to an end.
1186
01:03:26,500 --> 01:03:27,600
I promise.
1187
01:03:32,170 --> 01:03:33,709
Psst.
1188
01:03:33,710 --> 01:03:35,510
Fred. Don't put the light on me.
1189
01:03:37,440 --> 01:03:39,509
Don't put the light on me.
1190
01:03:39,510 --> 01:03:41,179
Fred, don't put the light on me.
1191
01:03:41,180 --> 01:03:43,449
Fred, you mongrel son of a...
1192
01:03:43,450 --> 01:03:47,319
Ladies, ladies, good news, good news.
1193
01:03:47,320 --> 01:03:49,649
I've talked to the manufacturers.
1194
01:03:49,650 --> 01:03:54,129
And they're on the trucks
now, wending their way here.
1195
01:03:54,130 --> 01:03:57,599
Your Sonny Tufts big boy platters.
1196
01:03:57,600 --> 01:03:59,099
One unknown housewife
1197
01:03:59,100 --> 01:04:01,160
began to cackle insanely.
1198
01:04:03,700 --> 01:04:08,869
Driven bonkers by the
endless flood of gravy boats.
1199
01:04:08,870 --> 01:04:11,209
Fear flashed in Doppler's eyes.
1200
01:04:11,210 --> 01:04:13,979
Hallelujah, hallelujah.
1201
01:04:13,980 --> 01:04:18,449
We have our usual rib-tickling cartoon...
1202
01:04:18,450 --> 01:04:20,149
The cackle got louder.
1203
01:04:20,150 --> 01:04:23,259
It was joined by a barely audible hissing.
1204
01:04:23,260 --> 01:04:25,519
...a newsreel,
1205
01:04:25,520 --> 01:04:28,329
and, oh, joy, a short subject,
1206
01:04:28,330 --> 01:04:32,399
the imports and exports of Kuala Lumpur.
1207
01:04:32,400 --> 01:04:35,499
Ladies! I'm very displeased.
1208
01:04:35,500 --> 01:04:39,199
The hissing swelled like
the sound of cold venom
1209
01:04:39,200 --> 01:04:41,669
landing on boiling lava.
1210
01:04:41,670 --> 01:04:45,439
Now, I'm getting very cross with you.
1211
01:04:45,440 --> 01:04:47,679
And then it happened.
1212
01:04:47,680 --> 01:04:51,679
A dark shadow sliced through
the hot beam of the spotlight.
1213
01:04:53,090 --> 01:04:54,489
What was it?
1214
01:04:55,550 --> 01:04:56,720
Bull's eye.
1215
01:04:59,020 --> 01:05:01,589
My mother had hit Doppler with a gravy boat.
1216
01:05:01,590 --> 01:05:03,929
What a great idea!
1217
01:05:03,930 --> 01:05:07,869
The ladies were struck dumb
by the sheer audacity of it.
1218
01:05:07,870 --> 01:05:12,369
Then they were thunderstruck
by the sheer rightness of it.
1219
01:05:12,370 --> 01:05:15,909
Of course Leopold Doppler
should be struck with a gravy boat.
1220
01:05:15,910 --> 01:05:17,509
In fact, he should be struck
1221
01:05:17,510 --> 01:05:20,009
with as many gravy
boats as they could muster.
1222
01:05:20,010 --> 01:05:22,049
And so they did.
1223
01:05:22,050 --> 01:05:28,319
As one, the people rose up
and smote Leopold Doppler
1224
01:05:28,320 --> 01:05:30,120
with gravy boats.
1225
01:05:35,990 --> 01:05:38,229
Whoa!
1226
01:05:38,230 --> 01:05:43,069
Thus the great days of Leopold
Doppler passed into history.
1227
01:05:43,070 --> 01:05:46,440
Top of the world, Ma! Top of the world!
1228
01:05:51,980 --> 01:05:53,980
Rosebud!
1229
01:05:56,510 --> 01:05:59,519
So, my Mom became the first in our family
1230
01:05:59,520 --> 01:06:01,719
to spend time in the pokey.
1231
01:06:01,720 --> 01:06:04,389
It was the greatest adventure of her life.
1232
01:06:04,390 --> 01:06:07,129
I learned a great lesson
from my Mom's adventure.
1233
01:06:07,130 --> 01:06:09,999
Sometimes, even if it means
a few Leopold Dopplers
1234
01:06:10,000 --> 01:06:11,459
have to bite the dust,
1235
01:06:11,460 --> 01:06:13,269
you just have to stand up for yourself.
1236
01:06:13,270 --> 01:06:14,630
Thank you.
1237
01:06:25,610 --> 01:06:26,980
All right.
1238
01:06:36,960 --> 01:06:39,119
All right, downstairs in two minutes.
1239
01:06:39,120 --> 01:06:40,889
Hell's a-popping.
1240
01:06:40,890 --> 01:06:42,489
You up?
1241
01:06:42,490 --> 01:06:43,530
I'm up.
1242
01:06:50,270 --> 01:06:53,409
You know, the Old Man
was a keen psychologist.
1243
01:06:53,410 --> 01:06:55,909
What better way to snap a kid out of it
1244
01:06:55,910 --> 01:06:58,339
than to let him help his father?
1245
01:06:58,340 --> 01:07:01,079
Anyway, the gloom had lifted somewhat.
1246
01:07:01,080 --> 01:07:04,179
And there was still fishing
and little brothers to torment.
1247
01:07:11,190 --> 01:07:13,729
Okay, Greasepit, here we go.
1248
01:07:13,730 --> 01:07:16,329
Precision. Planning. Brain power.
1249
01:07:16,330 --> 01:07:17,529
The key to success.
1250
01:07:17,530 --> 01:07:19,499
Understand? Yeah.
1251
01:07:19,500 --> 01:07:22,569
Barkley. Reconnoiter.
1252
01:07:22,570 --> 01:07:24,739
Now, you know what this is?
1253
01:07:24,740 --> 01:07:25,939
What?
1254
01:07:25,940 --> 01:07:28,969
This is a sound effects record from Higbee's.
1255
01:07:28,970 --> 01:07:33,479
These are the moments that
make life worth living, Shortcut.
1256
01:07:33,480 --> 01:07:37,149
Okay, Commando, you take this record upstairs
1257
01:07:37,150 --> 01:07:39,119
and put it on the Victrola.
1258
01:07:39,120 --> 01:07:40,289
Really?
1259
01:07:40,290 --> 01:07:42,849
Yes. Go, Trooper.
1260
01:07:42,850 --> 01:07:44,159
Another record?
1261
01:07:44,160 --> 01:07:46,859
Blasting the Bumpuses with sound effects?
1262
01:07:46,860 --> 01:07:49,229
This was the best the Old
Man... Waterloo, Bumpus.
1263
01:07:49,230 --> 01:07:50,629
...could come up with? After all that talk
1264
01:07:50,630 --> 01:07:53,429
about ultimate weapons and war rooms?
1265
01:07:53,430 --> 01:07:55,169
But I thought it was great.
1266
01:07:55,170 --> 01:07:58,569
Just me and the Old Man. Against the world.
1267
01:07:59,800 --> 01:08:02,110
Die, Bumpuses. Die.
1268
01:08:09,980 --> 01:08:14,149
Bumpuses, this is the
Internal Revenue Service
1269
01:08:14,150 --> 01:08:18,319
and the Bureau of Alcohol,
Tobacco and Firearms.
1270
01:08:18,320 --> 01:08:20,989
You are surrounded.
1271
01:08:20,990 --> 01:08:23,729
Do not attempt to escape.
1272
01:08:23,730 --> 01:08:28,269
Do not attempt to remove
any illegal distilleries.
1273
01:08:28,270 --> 01:08:30,169
Do not attempt to remove...
1274
01:08:30,170 --> 01:08:31,439
Unbelievable.
1275
01:08:31,440 --> 01:08:33,739
...any outhouses that are not up to code.
1276
01:08:35,140 --> 01:08:39,979
Do not attempt anything of
a strange or unusual nature.
1277
01:08:39,980 --> 01:08:42,749
Oh, Randy. Oh, my God.
1278
01:08:42,750 --> 01:08:49,049
...this is J. Edgar Hoover.
1279
01:08:49,050 --> 01:08:52,719
Come out with your hands in the air
1280
01:08:52,720 --> 01:08:56,459
and you won't get hurt!
1281
01:08:58,960 --> 01:09:01,029
Parker, you lunatic!
1282
01:09:01,030 --> 01:09:02,429
What the hell are you doing?
1283
01:09:02,430 --> 01:09:04,399
Ralphie, you are gonna get it!
1284
01:09:04,400 --> 01:09:05,899
What did I do?
1285
01:09:05,900 --> 01:09:08,539
Don't give me that. You
tied Randy's feet together.
1286
01:09:08,540 --> 01:09:10,379
Well, he put his turtle in my oatmeal.
1287
01:09:10,380 --> 01:09:12,210
Oh, good grief.
1288
01:09:14,580 --> 01:09:17,349
Where do you think you're going?
1289
01:09:17,350 --> 01:09:22,119
Bumpus, this is J. Edgar Hoover. Junior.
1290
01:09:22,120 --> 01:09:24,659
Remember this, Bumpus,
the next time you're thinking
1291
01:09:24,660 --> 01:09:27,489
of playing Gene Autry at midnight.
1292
01:09:27,490 --> 01:09:30,929
And there's plenty more where that came from.
1293
01:09:30,930 --> 01:09:33,099
Parker, you numbskull!
1294
01:09:33,100 --> 01:09:36,369
The Bumpuses moved out today!
1295
01:09:36,370 --> 01:09:37,639
What?
1296
01:09:37,640 --> 01:09:39,639
Lock, stock and barrel.
1297
01:09:39,640 --> 01:09:41,540
Yeah! Look for yourself, jerk!
1298
01:09:44,140 --> 01:09:45,979
Barkley!
1299
01:09:45,980 --> 01:09:49,279
He sent Barkley over to check it
out, but the neighbors were right.
1300
01:09:49,280 --> 01:09:51,179
The Bumpuses were gone.
1301
01:09:51,180 --> 01:09:53,589
That's what the Bumpuses
did. Move into a neighborhood,
1302
01:09:53,590 --> 01:09:57,419
run up a bunch of bills,
and then beat it out of town.
1303
01:09:57,420 --> 01:09:59,789
Once again the joke was on the Old Man.
1304
01:09:59,790 --> 01:10:02,759
Of course, he thought they
did it just to frustrate him.
1305
01:10:02,760 --> 01:10:07,699
They pulled out just as I was
about to hand them my crusher.
1306
01:10:07,700 --> 01:10:10,469
They did it on purpose.
1307
01:10:10,470 --> 01:10:13,639
I say we get the Bumpuses
back and get rid of Parker.
1308
01:10:13,640 --> 01:10:15,210
Yeah!
1309
01:10:23,320 --> 01:10:24,579
Uh-oh.
1310
01:10:24,580 --> 01:10:27,449
It was the real cops.
1311
01:10:27,450 --> 01:10:29,289
He cooked up another scheme.
1312
01:10:29,290 --> 01:10:30,659
It was a beauty.
1313
01:10:30,660 --> 01:10:32,019
Play dead. What?
1314
01:10:32,020 --> 01:10:33,529
Play dead. Just play
dead. What are you doing?
1315
01:10:33,530 --> 01:10:36,429
Are you out of your mind? Come back here!
1316
01:10:36,430 --> 01:10:39,159
Sick child! Can't talk! Can't talk!
1317
01:10:39,160 --> 01:10:42,729
Oh, no! It was the cop
from the World Exposition.
1318
01:10:42,730 --> 01:10:44,869
Sick child! Coming through! Can't talk!
1319
01:10:44,870 --> 01:10:46,370
Can't talk!
1320
01:10:49,470 --> 01:10:53,649
What happened next was
one of his greatest moments.
1321
01:10:53,650 --> 01:10:56,009
Son of a bitch!
1322
01:10:56,010 --> 01:10:58,650
Truly a master.
1323
01:11:04,390 --> 01:11:06,989
The Old Man had stopped
at the good old Bluebird
1324
01:11:06,990 --> 01:11:09,959
and spent 10 minutes or so
on the phone with my mom.
1325
01:11:09,960 --> 01:11:12,059
And, somehow, he got out of it.
1326
01:11:12,060 --> 01:11:13,799
And ten minutes later we were on the lake,
1327
01:11:13,800 --> 01:11:16,669
but, you know, our hearts weren't in it.
1328
01:11:16,670 --> 01:11:20,169
The Old Man and I were still
brooding about our respective ties,
1329
01:11:20,170 --> 01:11:21,939
because that's what you'd have to call
1330
01:11:21,940 --> 01:11:24,509
the Bumpus confrontation. A tie.
1331
01:11:24,510 --> 01:11:27,709
That's what life is, a tie. A lousy tie.
1332
01:11:27,710 --> 01:11:29,109
You know, I was thinking.
1333
01:11:29,110 --> 01:11:31,079
You were thinking?
1334
01:11:31,080 --> 01:11:33,519
You were thinking? Whoa, boy.
1335
01:11:33,520 --> 01:11:36,089
The Old Man always did that.
Pretend an earthquake was happening
1336
01:11:36,090 --> 01:11:37,689
when somebody said they were thinking.
1337
01:11:37,690 --> 01:11:39,459
Only nobody ever got the joke.
1338
01:11:39,460 --> 01:11:41,459
They thought the Old Man had palsy
1339
01:11:41,460 --> 01:11:43,429
or epilepsy or something like that.
1340
01:11:43,430 --> 01:11:45,259
This had been going on for 30 years.
1341
01:11:45,260 --> 01:11:48,269
About those television waves.
1342
01:11:48,270 --> 01:11:49,969
You know, that could happen.
1343
01:11:49,970 --> 01:11:51,769
I remember, when we first got radio
1344
01:11:51,770 --> 01:11:54,309
up at the cabin, all hell broke loose.
1345
01:11:54,310 --> 01:11:56,739
Raccoons being born with fox's heads.
1346
01:11:56,740 --> 01:11:59,439
Deer giving birth to squirrel.
1347
01:11:59,440 --> 01:12:01,009
They said up on the peninsula,
1348
01:12:01,010 --> 01:12:04,149
a lady dropped a litter of toad frogs.
1349
01:12:04,150 --> 01:12:05,949
That's absolutely true.
1350
01:12:05,950 --> 01:12:07,789
There's gonna be crappie
brains all over Indiana.
1351
01:12:07,790 --> 01:12:09,749
That's a scientific fact.
1352
01:12:09,750 --> 01:12:13,789
Hey, you rocket scientists
want to shut up and fish?
1353
01:12:13,790 --> 01:12:16,559
Ordinarily, that would have
started a 10-minute row.
1354
01:12:16,560 --> 01:12:17,859
But the Old Man just said...
1355
01:12:17,860 --> 01:12:19,560
Ah, hold your water.
1356
01:12:32,480 --> 01:12:34,979
A cool, fresh breeze had escaped somehow
1357
01:12:34,980 --> 01:12:36,779
from the Canadian glaciers
1358
01:12:36,780 --> 01:12:38,849
and swept across Cedar Lake.
1359
01:12:38,850 --> 01:12:41,620
Maybe that was the reason
for what happened next.
1360
01:12:47,730 --> 01:12:50,029
Aw, I got some action here.
1361
01:12:50,030 --> 01:12:51,299
That's it.
1362
01:12:51,300 --> 01:12:52,660
Ah, take it, fishie.
1363
01:13:02,640 --> 01:13:05,339
For crying out... For crying out loud!
1364
01:13:05,340 --> 01:13:07,409
And that started it. The
dreaded cane-pole gridlock.
1365
01:13:07,410 --> 01:13:11,649
Once started, these gridlocks could
stretch to boats half a mile away.
1366
01:13:11,650 --> 01:13:13,949
They spread like a mysterious bacillus.
1367
01:13:13,950 --> 01:13:17,419
Some of these monster tangles
have been known to last three days.
1368
01:13:17,420 --> 01:13:19,059
Don't you guys know how to fish?
1369
01:13:19,060 --> 01:13:20,489
And then it happened.
1370
01:13:20,490 --> 01:13:22,989
I got a bite!
1371
01:13:22,990 --> 01:13:24,359
Dad, I got a bite!
1372
01:13:24,360 --> 01:13:26,099
Bite! Who, who's got a bite?
1373
01:13:26,100 --> 01:13:27,269
Bite?
1374
01:13:27,270 --> 01:13:28,799
Who's got a bite?
1375
01:13:28,800 --> 01:13:29,929
Dad, I got one.
1376
01:13:29,930 --> 01:13:32,199
♪ Hallelujah ♪
1377
01:13:32,200 --> 01:13:34,939
♪ Hallelujah ♪
1378
01:13:34,940 --> 01:13:36,839
A real speckled beauty!
1379
01:13:36,840 --> 01:13:39,009
A speckled beauty! Look at that! God!
1380
01:13:39,010 --> 01:13:40,849
Get the fish. What do I do?
1381
01:13:40,850 --> 01:13:42,779
Get ahold of his head...
1382
01:13:42,780 --> 01:13:47,449
The Old Man is going berserk
trying to get his pole untangled.
1383
01:13:47,450 --> 01:13:49,250
There's another one, Dad!
1384
01:13:51,120 --> 01:13:54,159
Holy smokes! I have never
heard... How about this?
1385
01:13:54,160 --> 01:13:56,629
Anchors are being hauled up everywhere.
1386
01:13:56,630 --> 01:13:58,699
And boats are being sucked to our spot
1387
01:13:58,700 --> 01:14:01,869
like matter into a black hole.
1388
01:14:01,870 --> 01:14:03,829
This is the best ever. Another one!
1389
01:14:03,830 --> 01:14:08,439
A phalanx of boats are crushing
against us but they are getting skunked.
1390
01:14:08,440 --> 01:14:11,739
What's the matter, Parker?
1391
01:14:11,740 --> 01:14:13,139
Hey-hey!
1392
01:14:13,140 --> 01:14:14,449
You've never seen anything like it.
1393
01:14:14,450 --> 01:14:16,349
Crappies are jumping into the boat.
1394
01:14:16,350 --> 01:14:18,549
We are catching all the fish.
1395
01:14:18,550 --> 01:14:19,979
This is the best ever.
1396
01:14:19,980 --> 01:14:21,149
There's another one.
1397
01:14:21,150 --> 01:14:22,249
Another one, Dad.
1398
01:14:22,250 --> 01:14:24,520
This is the best! This is the best!
1399
01:14:26,360 --> 01:14:28,660
You guys are all getting skunked. Wow.
1400
01:14:31,100 --> 01:14:32,429
And there's another one!
1401
01:14:32,430 --> 01:14:34,369
There's another one.
1402
01:14:34,370 --> 01:14:37,839
I don't remember my Old Man
ever once in actual words saying,
1403
01:14:37,840 --> 01:14:39,739
"You did a good job, kid."
1404
01:14:39,740 --> 01:14:42,769
But one way or another he
always found a way to say,
1405
01:14:42,770 --> 01:14:44,909
"You did a good job, kid."
1406
01:14:44,910 --> 01:14:46,679
Hey, everyone, back off here!
1407
01:14:46,680 --> 01:14:48,449
We got a fisherman working here!
1408
01:14:48,450 --> 01:14:50,149
Get out of here! Get out of here!
1409
01:14:50,150 --> 01:14:52,249
At last, a win.
1410
01:14:52,250 --> 01:14:56,119
Fishermen, 47. Crappies, zilch.
1411
01:14:56,120 --> 01:15:00,019
Get out of here! Hey,
back out of here! Back up...
1412
01:15:00,020 --> 01:15:02,530
This here's a professional
fisherman working...
1413
01:15:04,800 --> 01:15:06,929
♪ ...bottles of beer on the wall ♪
1414
01:15:06,930 --> 01:15:09,099
The file clerks were in full song,
1415
01:15:09,100 --> 01:15:11,269
celebrating their victory over the elements.
1416
01:15:11,270 --> 01:15:13,539
♪ And if one of those
bottles should happen to fall ♪
1417
01:15:13,540 --> 01:15:15,539
♪ 99 bottles of beer on the wall ♪
1418
01:15:15,540 --> 01:15:17,840
And they hadn't even been drinking.
1419
01:15:31,590 --> 01:15:32,959
That's it! I'm never going back.
1420
01:15:32,960 --> 01:15:34,459
That lake's dead!
1421
01:15:34,460 --> 01:15:35,489
No luck?
1422
01:15:35,490 --> 01:15:36,689
I'm through for the summer.
1423
01:15:36,690 --> 01:15:37,899
No more fishing for me.
1424
01:15:37,900 --> 01:15:39,129
I'm going back to gardening.
1425
01:15:39,130 --> 01:15:40,799
What? Not, not even a little bite?
1426
01:15:40,800 --> 01:15:42,229
Ah, he caught a couple of minnows.
1427
01:15:42,230 --> 01:15:44,199
Did you? Yeah, should've thrown them back,
1428
01:15:44,200 --> 01:15:46,569
but since you brought them
home, show them to your mother!
1429
01:15:49,140 --> 01:15:52,039
Ralphie, so many! Look at the size of them.
1430
01:15:52,040 --> 01:15:54,209
I wanna fish! I wanna fish! I wanna fish!
1431
01:15:54,210 --> 01:15:57,850
Ralphie, you didn't drag those
across the living room rug, did you?
1432
01:16:03,350 --> 01:16:04,850
Oh, my God.
1433
01:16:08,630 --> 01:16:11,629
All right, Toggle Switch, you go out
on the back porch and clean those fish.
1434
01:16:11,630 --> 01:16:12,859
I wanna fish! I wanna fish!
1435
01:16:12,860 --> 01:16:14,029
All right.
1436
01:16:14,030 --> 01:16:15,499
All right, you are gonna fish.
1437
01:16:15,500 --> 01:16:17,369
You are gonna fish.
1438
01:16:17,370 --> 01:16:20,569
He's gonna fish? Yes.
1439
01:16:20,570 --> 01:16:21,939
Now, when you put the bait in,
1440
01:16:21,940 --> 01:16:25,609
the bobber sits on top
of the water like this.
1441
01:16:25,610 --> 01:16:28,349
And when the bobber goes
under, you pull them up. Got it?
1442
01:16:28,350 --> 01:16:29,979
Oh, brother.
1443
01:16:29,980 --> 01:16:33,719
It's just some bacon tied up with string.
1444
01:16:33,720 --> 01:16:35,989
You should have seen the kid.
1445
01:16:35,990 --> 01:16:38,590
He was hauling them in left and right.
1446
01:16:41,760 --> 01:16:44,029
I have thrown up three times already.
1447
01:16:44,030 --> 01:16:48,399
Fish that are taken out of
muddy, rotten, lousy, stinking lakes
1448
01:16:48,400 --> 01:16:51,469
have muddy, rotten, lousy, stinking guts.
1449
01:16:51,470 --> 01:16:54,469
It's as simple as that!
1450
01:16:54,470 --> 01:16:58,839
Then the Old Man brought out
a two-pound liverwurst sandwich.
1451
01:16:58,840 --> 01:17:00,809
Oh, oh, oh, boy.
1452
01:17:04,050 --> 01:17:05,819
I got one. I got one!
1453
01:17:05,820 --> 01:17:08,389
He got one? Impossible!
1454
01:17:08,390 --> 01:17:10,289
I got one. I got one.
1455
01:17:10,290 --> 01:17:11,359
But he did!
1456
01:17:11,360 --> 01:17:13,219
I got one. I got one. I got one.
1457
01:17:13,220 --> 01:17:14,929
Oh, look at that. Look at
that. He caught Geppetto.
1458
01:17:14,930 --> 01:17:16,559
He got the bait right through his gills.
1459
01:17:16,560 --> 01:17:19,359
Poor Geppetto.
1460
01:17:19,360 --> 01:17:20,629
I wanna eat him!
1461
01:17:20,630 --> 01:17:21,929
Randy!
1462
01:17:21,930 --> 01:17:25,199
Randy, you can't eat Geppetto.
1463
01:17:25,200 --> 01:17:26,839
I wanna eat him.
1464
01:17:26,840 --> 01:17:29,739
You cannot eat Geppetto.
1465
01:17:29,740 --> 01:17:31,179
Your Mom is right, pal.
1466
01:17:31,180 --> 01:17:34,510
I said, I wanna eat him.
1467
01:17:38,380 --> 01:17:40,619
All right. Man gets to eat what he catches.
1468
01:17:40,620 --> 01:17:42,649
Rule of the jungle.
1469
01:17:42,650 --> 01:17:46,859
All right, take this in the
kitchen and clean it for him.
1470
01:17:46,860 --> 01:17:48,259
Come on, Randy.
1471
01:17:48,260 --> 01:17:50,360
I'm gonna eat him. I'm gonna
eat him. Go ahead. Go ahead.
1472
01:17:53,200 --> 01:17:55,069
He's gonna be a great fisherman.
1473
01:17:55,070 --> 01:17:56,169
The kid's a cannibal.
1474
01:17:56,170 --> 01:17:57,999
Good boy! Hey! Hey, that's a good boy!
1475
01:17:58,000 --> 01:17:59,999
Good Barkley! Good Barkley!
1476
01:18:00,000 --> 01:18:01,769
Give me a "B". B!
1477
01:18:01,770 --> 01:18:05,079
Oh, the Parker day of triumph was complete.
1478
01:18:05,080 --> 01:18:06,809
Little Barkley came through.
1479
01:18:06,810 --> 01:18:08,179
Give me a "Y". Y.
1480
01:18:08,180 --> 01:18:09,279
Barkley!
1481
01:18:09,280 --> 01:18:10,779
Barkley!
1482
01:18:10,780 --> 01:18:13,379
My mother fried up the whole batch.
1483
01:18:13,380 --> 01:18:16,089
Of course, I had to filet a
tail of one of the crappies
1484
01:18:16,090 --> 01:18:18,119
and pretend that it was Geppetto.
1485
01:18:18,120 --> 01:18:19,220
I ate him.
1486
01:18:21,190 --> 01:18:24,729
Well, anyway, there was
this Hungarian bartender
1487
01:18:24,730 --> 01:18:26,499
who had a cross-eyed daughter. Now...
1488
01:18:26,500 --> 01:18:29,229
Oh, no, you don't. No, you don't.
1489
01:18:29,230 --> 01:18:31,139
Come on, Ralphie, you're going up to bed.
1490
01:18:31,140 --> 01:18:32,769
Yes, you are. Come on, Randy! No. No, no, no.
1491
01:18:32,770 --> 01:18:36,469
He's a man. He knows what
it's all about, don't you, Ralph?
1492
01:18:36,470 --> 01:18:39,309
I didn't know what it was,
much less what it was all about.
1493
01:18:39,310 --> 01:18:42,109
I don't think he knows
quite what it's all about.
1494
01:18:42,110 --> 01:18:44,049
Come to think of it, I still don't.
1495
01:18:44,050 --> 01:18:46,079
Out, woman! Out! Out with you.
1496
01:18:46,080 --> 01:18:47,449
Out, out, out.
1497
01:18:47,450 --> 01:18:49,689
And the Old Man came through one more time.
1498
01:18:49,690 --> 01:18:51,259
This is men's stuff, woman. Stop it!
1499
01:18:51,260 --> 01:18:53,719
That lad went out a boy
and he's come back a man.
1500
01:18:53,720 --> 01:18:55,690
He's one of us now. You can't have him.
1501
01:18:59,160 --> 01:19:01,469
All right. I'm going. I'm going.
1502
01:19:01,470 --> 01:19:04,399
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Women.
1503
01:19:04,400 --> 01:19:09,139
You can't live with them
and you can't live with them!
1504
01:19:09,140 --> 01:19:10,509
That's telling her,
Parker. That's telling her.
1505
01:19:10,510 --> 01:19:12,479
All right, Gertz! Let her rip!
1506
01:19:12,480 --> 01:19:15,279
Okay. So this Hungarian...
Did I say Hungarian?
1507
01:19:15,280 --> 01:19:18,219
It's a Romanian bartender
with a cross-eyed daughter.
1508
01:19:18,220 --> 01:19:21,149
Wait a minute, a Romanian
bartender with a cross-eyed daughter?
1509
01:19:21,150 --> 01:19:22,519
I've heard that one!
1510
01:19:24,990 --> 01:19:27,259
Did I ever tell you the one
about the monkey that ate the...
1511
01:19:27,260 --> 01:19:29,929
But they reeled off one
rotten story after another,
1512
01:19:29,930 --> 01:19:33,099
I swear, not one word of which I understood.
1513
01:19:33,100 --> 01:19:37,329
...you know, 'cause the second
one's coming, and he was going...
1514
01:19:37,330 --> 01:19:40,299
But every time they laughed, I laughed.
1515
01:19:40,300 --> 01:19:41,539
This went on for an hour.
1516
01:19:41,540 --> 01:19:44,579
Guy goes, guy goes
to a jungle for vacation...
1517
01:19:44,580 --> 01:19:48,009
Yeah, they, they called him,
they called him zoo breath.
1518
01:19:48,010 --> 01:19:49,010
Zoo breath.
1519
01:19:56,290 --> 01:19:57,550
That's bad taste.
1520
01:20:01,390 --> 01:20:04,259
Suddenly, and for the first time,
1521
01:20:04,260 --> 01:20:06,929
I realize that I am in.
1522
01:20:06,930 --> 01:20:11,399
The Eskimo Pies and Nehi
Oranges are all behind me
1523
01:20:11,400 --> 01:20:14,739
and a whole new world
is stretching out endlessly
1524
01:20:14,740 --> 01:20:19,509
and wildly in all directions. I am a man.
1525
01:20:19,510 --> 01:20:24,719
Then Zudoc told one so rank
my mother's ears started to sizzle
1526
01:20:24,720 --> 01:20:26,950
and the icebox started to hum.
1527
01:20:30,660 --> 01:20:32,490
You people are sick.
1528
01:20:35,560 --> 01:20:38,360
He said he was in the
closet all the time! No.
1529
01:20:40,330 --> 01:20:45,399
And 90 seconds later, I'm in bed.
1530
01:20:45,400 --> 01:20:48,409
Somewhere, off in the dark,
1531
01:20:48,410 --> 01:20:50,839
the Monon Louisville Limited wails
1532
01:20:50,840 --> 01:20:52,939
as it snakes over the Gibson hump
1533
01:20:52,940 --> 01:20:55,249
on its way to the outside world.
1534
01:20:55,250 --> 01:20:58,919
The cats are still fighting
over the crappie heads
1535
01:20:58,920 --> 01:21:01,949
and fish scales are itching in my hair.
1536
01:21:01,950 --> 01:21:03,649
The giant Indiana moths,
1537
01:21:03,650 --> 01:21:07,889
five pounds apiece, are
banging on the screen.
1538
01:21:07,890 --> 01:21:09,989
I slide off to the great beyond,
1539
01:21:09,990 --> 01:21:15,029
secure in the knowledge
that life is not always a tie.
1540
01:21:15,030 --> 01:21:17,770
It was the greatest summer of my life.
1541
01:21:27,111 --> 01:21:29,111
---oOo---
112702
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