All language subtitles for Kid Sister s01e01 Standard Procedure.eng

[BELL TOLLS]
[SOMBRE STRING MUSIC]

[MOURNERS RECITE IN HEBREW]

[MOURNERS RECITE IN HEBREW]

- My first boyfriend was this,

like, semi-religious
Jewish guy -

semi-religious in the sense that
he would pray three times a day,

but also, we'd bang.

You know?

He wore one of those
little hats, a kippah,

and I remember every time
we were making out,

and it was clear things
were leading to sex,

he'd take it off
and set it aside.

It really became
part of the whole ritual.

Things got hot and heavy;
off it came.

It got to the point
where it legit conditioned me

so that when I saw
a kippah coming off,

I knew that it was on.

[PLAYFUL POP-ROCK MUSIC]

[MUSIC CONTINUES]

Pavlov's dog used to drool when
it heard a bell ring, right?

- ? Nothing can slow me down.

[MUSIC STOPS]

- Ding, ding.

- ? Oh, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah.

? Oh, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah! ?

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- Top comments of the day - go.
- Hmm. Mm-hm.

'Meet a special someone
in the States?'

- Mm.
- 'Your parents must be so happy

'you're back in the nest.'

And obviously,
'What's your plan now?'

You?
- Oh, the classics.

'When are you and
Bec gonna start trying?'

'What's the hold-up?'
And, 'If you wait too long,

she will dry up like a prune.'

- Mm. Little do they know
she's already a dried-up prune.

Emotionally. Emotionally.

- Hey. I just wanted to wish

you and your family a long life.

- Appreciate that,
Mikey. Cheers.

- So...

what is your plan?

- OK, you just physically
assaulted me.

- Come on.

You spent a year making
bead bracelets for tweens.

And you've been
back a while now.

It's time to get
back to reality.

- Exsqueeze me.
Jewish Camp America

was not like that at all.

'It was exactly like that.'

And I have plans.
- Mum!

- 'Obviously, I have no plans.'

- Oh, sorry, doll.

[QUIRKY MUSIC]

- Leo's a great brother.

When we were kids, I actually
thought we'd end up together.

But some things
just don't work out.

In all seriousness,

that would be extremely
on-brand for my family.

There are 5000 Jews
in New Zealand,

and I'm pretty sure I am
the most inbred of them all.

My grandpa's a survivor.

Not like Destiny's Child -
like the Holocaust and stuff.

Back in Europe,
we lived in ghettos

where we could only
marry our cousins,

so now my family's
like a genetic dead end.

But while I work hard
mixing things up,

sowing my absolutely
wild oats...

Leo somehow found...

[STEADY DRUM BEAT]

- Bec. My beloved.
- Hi. Could you go mingle?

- Yeah, I can go mingle.

? Gonna mix and mingle
to the jingle-?

- OK, go!
- Sorry. Yep.

- [CLEARS THROAT]

- You know
we're sitting Shiva, right?

Sitting Shiva?

- Your brother's trying to get
a new venture off the ground.

Did you know that?

- 'Ugh. I wonder if
she's finally pregnant.

'My mum told me Leo told her
they're definitely trying.

'They're probably just waiting
to announce it in case it,

like, dies or whatever.'

- So it's important, at mixers
like these, that he gets around

and talks to people,
you know, and, um, networks.

- Mixers like
my grandma's funeral?

- Maybe you two can
chat later, though.

- Come, guys!
We're doing the candle!

[MOURNFUL STRING MUSIC]

- just throw it up
and then pop it like that.

[WOMEN CHUCKLE]
Too easy.

- [GASPS]

WHISPERS: Why don't
you catch up with Mikey?

- He has a girlfriend.

They run a 'vegan meal prep'
TikTok together.

- They're engaged, actually.

- Is she Jewish?
- No.

- Huh. Well, then he's single.
- Well, I'm not.

I have a boyfriend.

- No!
- No, you don't.

- Yes, I do.

His name is... Yoni.

- Where'd you meet him?
- Camp.

- Oh, is that who
you've been instant-messaging?

I've seen that
little Mona Lisa smile, eh?

- Yep. That's my...

Yoni smile, so yeah.
- Ooh!

- Oh, must you drink
directly from the bottle?

- Oh, this isn't communal juice.

This is from
my own personal supply.

It's for my UTI.
- UTI. Yeah, I know.

- We all know.

Hey, Lulu has a boyfriend
in America. His name is Yoni.

- Huh.

- Shit. Hide me.
- What?

- Hide me. Quick! The rabbi -
he wants to cut my clothes!

- They're gonna
find out eventually.

- Oh, fuck off.

- What?
- What?

- You said, 'Fuck off.'
- No. I said...

I have a cough.

[CLEARS THROAT, COUGHS]

- You said, 'Fuck off.'
- Yeah, I did. Sorry.

- And he's coming over.

And he's arriving.

- Keren. Hi.
- And he's here. Hi. Hi.

- Um, sorry, we should've
done this before the funeral,

but do you have any scissors?

- For what?
- Um...

for your... clothes, for kriah.

- Oh, no. No, this is
new. This is Zambesi.

- Keren, we have to do this.

- Do I have to do it?
- Yes.

- Did I have to be
your mother's primary companion

till the day she passed,

caring for her as if
she were my own mother? No.

Did I? Ja. But this,

tearing up a sensational
designer garment - no, no, no.

For what?
Hannah was a seamstress.

She would never
have wanted this.

And Rabbi, quite frankly,

I don't believe
God would want it either.

- Well, you could always
just wear a black ribbon.

- Ah, well, that I'll do.

Next time, open with
that if it's an option.

[QUIRKY MUSIC]

- I mean, there's no Yoni.
That goes without saying.

But the only thing more painful
than this UTI would be

my parents finding out who I'm
actually seeing right now.

[CELL PHONE RINGS]

Ollie.
- How's the, uh...

- Not good. I feel like I'm
pissing out a ghost pepper.

Ollie and I have
been molesting each other

on and off
our entire adult lives.

There's just one thing
I always forget to do -

pee after.

- Sorry, Lu.

[LIGHT POP-ROCK MUSIC]

- She's not all there.
She's, like,

telling him to mingle
and telling him to network,

and it's like, 'OK, bitch,

'maybe don't tell me when
I can chat to my brother.

'Thanks so much, Bec.
Thank you [!]'

- Oh, and did you hear
when she told me

we're out of salad tongs?

She's like, 'We're out of
salad tongs.' And I'm like,

'Well, why don't you
use the pair you have

'shoved up your arse?'
- [LAUGHS]

- Can't you see?
She's hormonal.

I'd know. I was there
through all the pregnancies.

I know hormonal women.
They're not right in the head.

- What makes you think
she's pregnant?

- The nose knows.

- SIGHS: OK...
- This again.

- You can't smell pregnancy,
Hershey.

- No, no.
And even if it is true,

Bec's been with our family
for, like, 10 years.

So unless she's been pregnant
that entire time,

I think it's safe to say

it's probably not
so much the hormones

as her personality.
- [CHUCKLES]

- Aw. Bye, my darling.
- Darling. Thank you so much.

- Love you, Dad.

- You and Siggy...
- We'll see you tomorrow.

Bye, love.
- Bye.

- Bye, darling.
- Bye.

- I know! I know.
I was like, 'Hmm.'

I know.

Well, you know, I got that far.

I got halfway through,
and then I had to-

- Ooh, sorry, Keren.

Hey, next time you're here,

would you mind
swinging by my office?

- What's wrong?
- We don't have to do it today.

- No, you brought it up,
sweetheart. Let's go.

- Uh, OK.
I just wanna say again

how heartbroken
we are to lose Hannah.

She was the sweetest lady.

- Thanks, honey. What's up?

- Um, OK...

Hershey was a wonderful partner,

but I think as Hannah's state
worsened, he grew lonely.

And I suppose he started

looking for
companionship elsewhere.

Bye, John.

And it's gotten to
the point where I think

someone needs to
talk to him about it,

cos we've really tried.

- Talk to him about what?

- Safety.

When a parent enters a home,
it's like going to college -

like, lots of people in
a small space, sparks fly.

And with the guys having Viagra

and the ladies not
having pregnancy concerns,

things happen.

And, uh,
things are really happening.

- Sofia, I buried
my mother-in-law today.

I just wanna go home, take a
bath and watch my murder shows,

so whatever it is you're trying
to say, please just say it.

- Um...

Hershey's been spreading
chlamydia like the plague.

[BIRDSONG, INSECTS CHIRP]

[LAUGHTER]

- SIGGY: Hey, Lu?
- You were like,

'Thank you for letting
me know. She's like,

'Any questions?'
- Ja, and I'm like,

'Um, every question.'
- [LAUGHS]

- Lu?

I need your help.

- Oh. We look a bit... old. Were
we a bit old to be doing that?

- No, it's sweet.

You'd often poo in there.

We'd have no idea
until Leo started screaming.

- [CHUCKLES] What do
Kim and Avi need these for?

- Uh, one of their
famous slideshows.

It's for Mum.
With Shabbos coming up,

they thought it might be nice.

- Are you OK?
Must've been a bit...

shit saying goodbye today.
- With the strokes,

I feel like I said goodbye
to Mum a long time ago.

But it is sad.

I do feel for Hershey, though.

He must have got lonely
over all these years.

Look how close you two were.

- We're still close.
- Yeah, I know,

but it's different.

He's got Bec now. He'll have
kids of his own soon.

- But don't you think
it's weird?

Like, there's a whole world
of people out there,

and he chose Bec.

- Well,
Jews have limited options.

He opted to import,
just like me.

- What if I don't wanna do that
weird mail-order bride option?

- You mean go local?
Yeah, there's heaps of guys -

Mikey Gold,

the list goes on.

- Does kinda seem
like that was the list.

- What do you want
me to say, Lu?

You find someone Jewish.
You make it work.

That's how it's always been.
- See, that...

that kind of thinking is
exactly why I needed braces,

laser eye surgery, orthotics.

I've had a constant UTI
for the last decade,

because we've basically
been marrying

the same five families
since the 1800s.

It's actually not
good breeding, Dad.

- You know,
you sound like a eugenicist.

- OK, Lucius Malfoy.

You're the one who's
pro keeping the bloodline pure.

I'm the one who wants to,
like, mix it up a little bit.

- We're trying to keep
something ancient alive

in a world that wants
us to give it all up.

Everyone in our line
for thousands of years

has kept
the Jewish flame burning.

Do you really wanna be
the one to extinguish it?

- And you're about to
guilt me with the H-bomb.

- Firstly, 'H-bomb' is

an inappropriate term for...
[CELL PHONE BUZZES]

the Holocaust.
- There it is.

- And second,
I don't even need to,

because if I've
done my job right,

you should be old enough
to guilt yourself by now.

- 'I need to break up with him.'

- ? I could be your number one.

? I could be
your Anthony Bennett.

? I'd be your Anthony Bennett.
I ain't no one and done.

? I could be
your Anthony Bennett.

? I'd be your Anthony Bennett.
And if you call my number,

? I can run in like them Rebels
up in UNLV.

? I know my roof is higher
than that old cathedral spire

? I see cutting through
the trees. Yeah.

? And I know
there's Rudy Goberts

? who be wanting to know ya.

? You could pick Vic Ola-D

? and be fine, girl.
He'd be fine, girl.

? Yeah.

? I ain't perfect,
but I'm worth it,

? and I'm willing to show ya.

? Throw the dice
and roll with me,

? and in time, you might find

? you're so glad
that you're mine.

? Although sometimes, I have to
pretend that I'm flawed a bit,

? I might make a mistake

? if I'm bored a bit.

? Now I know

? all I need

? is that Florida scene

? and Florida Keys. ?

[ARCADE GAME DINGS]

- 'I'll break up
with him tomorrow.'

[PROXIMITY SENSOR BEEPS]

- Now...

you sure you're gonna be
OK in there on your own?

- At the doctor's?
Mum, I'm, like, 50 years old.

- OK, so I can stop calling
and booking your appointments,

then.
- You know I have phone fear.

- Well, can't I come in
for, like, two seconds?

I need to ask Danya
about that mole.

- Ooh, that does look a bit...

No, no. It's not normal
that we do these,

like, Groupon doctor's visits

where the whole fam rolls in
and shares their ailments

in front of each other.

It should be one at a time.
- Since when, Nunu?

- Since I asked people
and they said.

There are some things I need to
see a doctor about on my own.

It's about boundaries, actually.

- We have good boundaries,
you and I -

strong, surrounding us
from the outside.

- You're not in
my boundary, Mum.

I have my own one.
- Wha-?!

Mm!

- No!

Mm!
- No, no, no, no, no.

I don't like it. You're gonna
get cold in there and hungry.

I think we should
join boundaries.

- Goodbye.
- Well,

I'm gonna be here
when you get back,

cos I can't come with you.
- Thank you for the lift.

- Bye.

LOUDLY: Good luck with the UTI!

- Love you.
- Love you, Nunu!

- Three rounds of antibiotics
and still no dice.

[SIGHS] This is
one tough motherfucker.

- And I've been drinking
cranberry juice like a fish.

- [CHUCKLES]
Well, that does nothing.

- What? Are you serious?
- Yeah, it's a myth.

I think it prevents E. coli.
- [SIGHS]

- Now, have you been
wiping front to back?

- I have.
- Fully voiding

after urinating?
- I think so.

- Peeing after sex?

Hmm. Still seeing the goy-boy?

- Danya. They prefer
the term 'Gentile'.

- Well, the cousin's
still single -

when you're ready
for a nice Jew-boo.

- That is deeply unprofessional,

especially since
I know for a fact

Asher had warts on
his palms at primary.

- All right. Let's have a
listen to the bits and bobs.

- Yeah,
the preferred medical term -

bits and, of course, bobs [!]
- [CHUCKLES]

All right. Little bit cold.
Deep breath.

- In my family, marrying Jewish

is the most hectically
important thing ever.

As my dad says,
you can 'import',

aka find someone from overseas,
like he and my brother did.

The option he often fails
to mention is 'to outsource',

meaning find a partner who'll
convert. The challenge there is

finding a boy who's willing
to get the old salami koshered.

Marrying out, however,
is not an option.

[WINCES]

[GROANS PAINFULLY]

- Yeah. I'm gonna
need some of your wee.

[TRICKLING]

- [WINCES]

[MUZAK PLAYS]

Oh.

[MUZAK CONTINUES]

[MUZAK STOPS]

[DOOR OPENS]

- All right.
So the good news is

I think we've discovered
the reason

behind your super
drug-resistant UTI.

- Oh my God. Is it a worm?
I'm convinced I have a worm.

- You're pregnant.

- With a worm?
- No, it's...

a human foetus.

- That's right. There are two
things you're supposed to do

when having sex -

pee after...

and use protection.

- SIGGY, QUIETLY: May the Lord
bless you and keep you.

May the Lord make
His face to shine upon...

make you like Ephraim and
Menashe and grant you peace.

- May the Lord make
you like Sarah, Rebecca,

Rachel and Leah

[WHISPERS] and Cindy Crawford

and Goldie Hawn.
- [CHUCKLES QUIETLY]

- And the Lord grant you peace.

- Shabbos.
- Shabbos.

- Shabbos.
- HERSHEY: Good Shabbos.

Good Shabbos. Good Shabbos.

- KEREN: Now,
extra kneidel for Leo.

And, Hershey, do you want balls?

- Good Shabbos. What?
- Do you want balls?

- What?
- FIRMLY: Balls.

Do you want them?

- No, just soup, please.
- Right.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER, LAUGHTER]

- LEO: It's a groundbreaking
new app.

- Got a job yet?
- Nope. Thank you.

- Good Shabbos, sweetheart.
- Good Shabbos, Hershey.

- Mmm.
- [KISSES]

- [SNIFFS]

- [GASPS] WHISPERS:
The nose knows!

- Who wants to invest?

[INDISTINCT CHATTER, LAUGHTER]

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,
fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,

fuck, fuck, fuck.

[EXHALES QUIETLY]

Fuck!

[DISTANT APPLAUSE,
FLUTE PLAYS SLOW TUNE]

- Oh.
- Aw.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

- [PLAYS SLOW TUNE]
- Remember that one.

- There it is -
first love, then marriage,

then babies.

How did I miss the memo?

I'll break up with him tonight.
Family planning tomorrow.

- [CHUCKLES] Thank you.
It's wonderful.

[KEREN CONTINUES PLAYING]

Ohh!
- Oh wow.

- Whoo-hoo.
- Who is this?

- KEREN: No.
- [CHUCKLES]

- Did you say something?
- Well, I told them.

It's a family simcha.

- OK. Uh...

Well...

Bec and I have been
trying for a baby.

[GASPING]
- Oh my good-!

- But... But... Sorry.

That was a bad place
to pause. Um...

We recently had some tests done,

and unfortunately,
it turns out...

- [CLEARS THROAT]
We're carriers.

- Oh my God.
- We both have the gene for

Tay-Sachs.
- Oh, which one's that again?

Is that when
your pee smells like

maple syrup?
- No, no, no.

That's maple syrup
urine disease.

- Oh.
- I might as well add that

Bec and I have been trying
IVF for the last few years,

and we haven't had... any luck.

So, um, if everyone
could just take a break...

from asking about
kids for a little while,

that'd be very cool.

- You weren't tested
when you got engaged?

- SIGGY: Dad.

- It's standard procedure.

Tay-Sachs kids die at 3.
- Hershey.

- The Orthodox Jews have
a database. They wouldn't have

even let you two meet!
- Oh!

- Now how are you
gonna have kids?

- Ugh, Jesus Christ.
- Hershey,

do you think
they wanna hear that?

- Lulu.
- No, are you kidding?

Hershey's pointing fingers?

Hershey has chlamydia.

- Lu!
[GASPING]

- He's been spreading it through
the entire nursing home.

I'm not kidding, by the way.
- Louisa, go to your room.

- I'm 29 years old.
- I said room! Now.

- Fine.

[GENTLE, MELANCHOLIC MUSIC]

[GATE CREAKS]

[GATE SQUEAKS, CLATTERS]

- ? Oh, oh, oh, boy,

? you're the man for me.

? Oh, oh, oh, boy,

? I hope you see.

? They say you're not right,

? but you hold me tight,
and I know...

- I'll do it tomorrow. I will
definitely do it tomorrow.

- ? If you treat
me like a queen,

? if you treat me like a queen,

? you'll be
the king of my heart.

? The king of my heart.

[POP-ROCK MUSIC CONTINUES]

? Oh, oh, oh, boy,

? I don't care what they say.

? I'd upturn the world
just to be your girl.

? I love you anyway. ?

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