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1
00:00:07,549 --> 00:00:10,468
[People chattering]
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00:00:16,016 --> 00:00:18,643
- My fellow public servants,
3
00:00:18,727 --> 00:00:24,190
I stand here before you
with great responsibility.
4
00:00:24,274 --> 00:00:26,108
Some will say that
what I'm asking you to do
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00:00:26,192 --> 00:00:27,985
is impossible,
but to them, I say--
6
00:00:28,069 --> 00:00:31,447
And pardon my language--
Phooey.
7
00:00:31,531 --> 00:00:36,327
This is our day,
our hour, our moment
8
00:00:36,411 --> 00:00:39,372
to grab the bull by its horns.
9
00:00:39,456 --> 00:00:42,375
And later, of course,
gently set him free.
10
00:00:42,459 --> 00:00:46,170
We need to raise $60,000
in six hours.
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00:00:46,254 --> 00:00:50,967
I need each and every
one of you to step up.
12
00:00:51,051 --> 00:00:53,135
Damn the man.
Save "In the Know."
13
00:00:53,219 --> 00:00:55,972
It's pledge drive day!
14
00:00:56,056 --> 00:00:57,807
[Claps softly]
15
00:00:57,891 --> 00:00:59,768
- Fuck yeah! Whose house?
16
00:01:02,437 --> 00:01:03,229
Our house!
17
00:01:03,271 --> 00:01:04,606
I said, whose house?
18
00:01:06,191 --> 00:01:07,067
- It's fine.
19
00:01:07,108 --> 00:01:08,859
- Whoo!
20
00:01:08,943 --> 00:01:11,821
{\an8}[Jazz music]
21
00:01:11,905 --> 00:01:14,365
{\an8}♪ ♪
22
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{\an8}- I have a feeling
this is going to be
23
00:01:16,618 --> 00:01:19,036
{\an8}our most successful
pledge drive yet.
24
00:01:19,120 --> 00:01:22,540
{\an8}- Barb, you might be
content as a hamster
25
00:01:22,624 --> 00:01:24,208
{\an8}in the wheel
of late capitalism.
26
00:01:24,292 --> 00:01:25,992
{\an8}But I refuse to treat
our listeners
27
00:01:26,044 --> 00:01:27,461
{\an8}like udders to be squeezed.
28
00:01:27,545 --> 00:01:28,713
{\an8}Orange.
29
00:01:28,797 --> 00:01:30,381
{\an8}- That's fine, because
after your introduction,
30
00:01:30,465 --> 00:01:33,092
{\an8}Fabian will take over on air.
31
00:01:33,176 --> 00:01:36,220
{\an8}- Have you lost your
center-left bourgeois mind?
32
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{\an8}Fabian's not on-air talent.
33
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{\an8}- We're already most of the way
to our goal, thanks to one VIP.
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{\an8}He's dropping off his check
in person today.
35
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{\an8}And he specifically asked
for Lauren
36
00:01:48,441 --> 00:01:50,443
{\an8}to give him a studio tour.
37
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{\an8}- Oh, well, anything
for the almighty dollar.
38
00:01:52,654 --> 00:01:55,323
{\an8}Shall I give him
a wanky massage as well?
39
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{\an8}Oil myself all up? Hmm?
40
00:01:58,868 --> 00:02:00,077
{\an8}- How are you feeling, Fabian?
41
00:02:00,161 --> 00:02:02,079
{\an8}Ready to roll?
- [Scoffs]
42
00:02:02,163 --> 00:02:04,874
- Remember, all you have to do
is talk up our wonderful gift
43
00:02:04,958 --> 00:02:06,500
for sustaining members.
44
00:02:06,584 --> 00:02:09,295
It's a small Bluetooth speaker
that clips onto your belt loop
45
00:02:09,379 --> 00:02:10,922
with a carabiner.
46
00:02:11,006 --> 00:02:12,423
Here, I wrote it down
in case you--
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00:02:12,507 --> 00:02:15,176
- Don't condescend to me.
I'm not your underling.
48
00:02:15,260 --> 00:02:17,386
- Of course not. We're a team.
49
00:02:17,470 --> 00:02:19,013
- Don't pretend
there's no hierarchy
50
00:02:19,097 --> 00:02:20,306
in this fucking fiefdom!
51
00:02:20,390 --> 00:02:22,099
- Fabian, please.
52
00:02:22,183 --> 00:02:24,183
Part of why we need
donations so urgently
53
00:02:24,185 --> 00:02:26,312
is that
$20,000 lactation station
54
00:02:26,396 --> 00:02:28,147
you demanded we purchase
even though
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00:02:28,231 --> 00:02:29,941
no one here breastfeeds.
56
00:02:31,776 --> 00:02:32,861
- Oh!
57
00:02:34,237 --> 00:02:35,947
- And honestly,
I worry that thing
58
00:02:36,031 --> 00:02:38,824
has been bad for Sandy's mind.
59
00:02:38,908 --> 00:02:40,785
[Soft jazz music]
60
00:02:40,869 --> 00:02:43,162
- Today marks yet
another pledge drive.
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00:02:43,246 --> 00:02:45,414
And while I find this sort
of shilling distasteful,
62
00:02:45,498 --> 00:02:48,709
our producer, Barb,
crassly insists.
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We'll be sharing some
of our favorite clips with you,
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00:02:51,129 --> 00:02:52,797
our beloved know-it-alls.
65
00:02:52,881 --> 00:02:56,008
Let's kick things off
with a fascinating conversation
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00:02:56,092 --> 00:02:59,345
I had with
the documentarian Ken Burns.
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00:02:59,429 --> 00:03:03,474
{\an8}♪ Legendary Lauren ♪
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00:03:03,558 --> 00:03:06,519
{\an8}Ken, as a teenager,
I'd go to the video rental,
69
00:03:06,603 --> 00:03:09,730
{\an8}and I would hide your films
in the DVD jackets
70
00:03:09,814 --> 00:03:12,233
{\an8}of pornography films
so that the local perverts
71
00:03:12,317 --> 00:03:14,151
{\an8}would get a history lesson.
72
00:03:14,235 --> 00:03:17,071
- There's a lot of people
who hide pornography
73
00:03:17,155 --> 00:03:19,323
in our DVD jacket.
74
00:03:19,407 --> 00:03:22,785
So there's a kind
of reciprocity that
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00:03:22,869 --> 00:03:27,290
I think that you've kind
of appropriately brought up.
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00:03:27,374 --> 00:03:29,292
- And now maybe
those sex-watchers will
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00:03:29,376 --> 00:03:31,294
spend less time
yanking their trash
78
00:03:31,378 --> 00:03:33,921
and more time learning
about Sonny Rollins.
79
00:03:34,005 --> 00:03:37,216
- Well, Sonny Rollins was
called the Saxophone Colossus.
80
00:03:37,300 --> 00:03:39,885
So there might be some
kind of synergy there.
81
00:03:39,969 --> 00:03:41,679
{\an8}- [Chuckles heartily] Oh, Ken.
82
00:03:41,763 --> 00:03:43,306
{\an8}Oh, you dirty dog.
83
00:03:45,100 --> 00:03:47,518
- Remember, if you get nervous,
plant both feet on the ground
84
00:03:47,602 --> 00:03:48,853
and breathe through your nose.
85
00:03:48,937 --> 00:03:50,187
- Barb. [scoffs]
86
00:03:50,271 --> 00:03:51,939
I was part of
the people's microphone
87
00:03:52,023 --> 00:03:53,566
during Occupy Penn Station.
88
00:03:53,650 --> 00:03:56,694
I amplified messages
from the Acela Lounge
89
00:03:56,778 --> 00:03:59,071
all the way to the
Duane Reade with the bathroom.
90
00:03:59,155 --> 00:04:01,157
I think I can handle
a pledge drive.
91
00:04:01,241 --> 00:04:02,700
- You're our gal.
92
00:04:02,784 --> 00:04:03,868
- Don't call me gal.
93
00:04:03,952 --> 00:04:05,870
- You're our person.
94
00:04:05,954 --> 00:04:07,997
- Jesus, fuck, Barb.
95
00:04:08,081 --> 00:04:10,041
I am not your property.
96
00:04:10,125 --> 00:04:11,668
Wow.
97
00:04:13,420 --> 00:04:15,338
- The kids are being
hard on you today.
98
00:04:15,422 --> 00:04:17,006
- They're hard on me every day.
99
00:04:17,090 --> 00:04:18,390
[Laughs] But I don't mind.
100
00:04:18,425 --> 00:04:20,217
It just means they feel safe.
101
00:04:20,301 --> 00:04:22,428
It's like I'm the guest
of honor at a roast that
102
00:04:22,512 --> 00:04:24,680
goes on for my entire career.
103
00:04:24,764 --> 00:04:26,557
{\an8}- You know, for even
amateur historians,
104
00:04:26,641 --> 00:04:29,810
{\an8}the farther away you get
from an event, strangely,
105
00:04:29,894 --> 00:04:32,355
{\an8}sometimes paradoxically,
the closer you can get
106
00:04:32,439 --> 00:04:34,231
{\an8}to understanding it
more fully.
107
00:04:34,315 --> 00:04:36,233
- That makes
a great deal of sense.
108
00:04:36,317 --> 00:04:39,362
My ex-partner Grania
told me that she was
109
00:04:39,446 --> 00:04:41,739
best able to love me
from a great distance,
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00:04:41,823 --> 00:04:44,200
both geographically
and emotionally.
111
00:04:44,284 --> 00:04:45,326
- That's right.
112
00:04:45,410 --> 00:04:46,786
It's got to be
a little platonic,
113
00:04:46,870 --> 00:04:49,455
and it's got to have some
distance between it, yeah.
114
00:04:49,539 --> 00:04:51,040
- Because if history
touches you,
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00:04:51,124 --> 00:04:53,000
it makes her skin crawl.
116
00:04:53,084 --> 00:04:54,544
- Exactly.
117
00:04:56,546 --> 00:04:58,172
- And where exactly
did you find
118
00:04:58,256 --> 00:05:00,424
this dark-money malefactor
anyway, Barb?
119
00:05:00,508 --> 00:05:01,634
ExxonMobil?
120
00:05:01,718 --> 00:05:03,552
The Russian oligarchy? Mm?
121
00:05:03,636 --> 00:05:05,930
Barnes and Noble that
still carries J.K. Rowling?
122
00:05:06,014 --> 00:05:08,891
- He's the in-house counsel
at Pata Lulu.
123
00:05:08,975 --> 00:05:10,518
[Elevator dings]
124
00:05:11,895 --> 00:05:13,771
Ah, you must be Gene.
125
00:05:13,855 --> 00:05:15,439
- Hello. [gasps]
126
00:05:15,523 --> 00:05:17,858
It's really you.
127
00:05:17,942 --> 00:05:19,235
Lauren Caspian?
128
00:05:19,319 --> 00:05:20,861
- Yes?
129
00:05:20,945 --> 00:05:23,447
- Gene Jacoby. Huge fan.
130
00:05:23,531 --> 00:05:24,949
- Is that right?
131
00:05:25,033 --> 00:05:26,409
- Hi, Gene.
132
00:05:26,493 --> 00:05:29,287
I'm Barb, executive producer
of the show.
133
00:05:29,371 --> 00:05:30,579
[Clears throat]
134
00:05:30,663 --> 00:05:32,373
Would you like
to give me the check now or--
135
00:05:32,457 --> 00:05:34,207
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Slow down, Barb.
136
00:05:34,250 --> 00:05:36,210
Did you not learn
the art of introductions
137
00:05:36,294 --> 00:05:38,212
in your Podunk Ohio town?
138
00:05:38,296 --> 00:05:39,714
- I'm from Ames, Iowa.
139
00:05:39,798 --> 00:05:41,966
- More like "aimless" Iowa.
140
00:05:42,050 --> 00:05:44,510
- [Laughs] Aimless Iowa?
141
00:05:44,594 --> 00:05:47,722
Oh, God, that's some
Sarah Vowell-level shit.
142
00:05:48,765 --> 00:05:50,975
- Oh, come, Gene. This way.
143
00:05:51,059 --> 00:05:53,102
I'm going to show you
my personal minibar
144
00:05:53,186 --> 00:05:54,770
of drinkable cold soups.
145
00:05:54,854 --> 00:05:56,480
- Oh.
146
00:05:56,564 --> 00:05:58,149
[Mic beeps]
- First time on air?
147
00:05:58,233 --> 00:05:59,609
- Oh, no, no, no.
148
00:05:59,693 --> 00:06:01,986
I host a daily podcast,
"Black Lives Matter More."
149
00:06:02,070 --> 00:06:03,404
Which, it isn't live.
150
00:06:03,488 --> 00:06:05,156
But I mean--[chuckles]
151
00:06:05,240 --> 00:06:08,242
It's not like I have to follow
Edward R. Murrow here.
152
00:06:08,326 --> 00:06:10,661
{\an8}- I once self-financed
a documentary
153
00:06:10,745 --> 00:06:12,788
{\an8}about my ex-wife's
new husband, Glenn.
154
00:06:12,872 --> 00:06:14,957
{\an8}And I took pains
to be evenhanded.
155
00:06:15,041 --> 00:06:17,209
{\an8}But in retrospect,
certain sections are
156
00:06:17,293 --> 00:06:20,838
{\an8}just me making fun
of his botched LASIK surgery.
157
00:06:20,922 --> 00:06:22,214
- Okay.
158
00:06:22,298 --> 00:06:25,802
That clip is ending,
and we're back in three, two--
159
00:06:27,262 --> 00:06:28,930
- [Clears throat]
160
00:06:29,014 --> 00:06:31,933
[electricity humming]
161
00:06:33,518 --> 00:06:35,687
[beep]
Fabian, you're on.
162
00:06:37,856 --> 00:06:42,026
- Hello, and welcome
to the "In the Know."
163
00:06:42,110 --> 00:06:43,903
The more you know. [chuckles]
164
00:06:43,987 --> 00:06:46,489
Oh, no. [laughs]
165
00:06:46,573 --> 00:06:48,532
I am Absolutely Fabian,
filling in
166
00:06:48,616 --> 00:06:51,786
for your usual
Laurencini Alfredo.
167
00:06:51,870 --> 00:06:53,371
I'm your dad.
168
00:06:53,455 --> 00:06:56,415
Today, we've got so much
to make you listen.
169
00:06:56,499 --> 00:06:57,917
But enough of these things.
170
00:06:58,001 --> 00:07:00,378
Because when you, today,
here, right now,
171
00:07:00,462 --> 00:07:03,714
you take home one gift,
my babies, okay?
172
00:07:03,798 --> 00:07:06,008
I'm your dad,
and that gift is--
173
00:07:06,092 --> 00:07:08,511
It's a--a small Bluetube--
174
00:07:08,595 --> 00:07:10,054
Bluetube? [laughs]
175
00:07:10,138 --> 00:07:11,222
[beep]
- Bluetooth.
176
00:07:11,306 --> 00:07:12,932
- A Bluetube speaker.
177
00:07:13,016 --> 00:07:15,101
And it doesn't just sing,
ladies and gentlemen.
178
00:07:15,185 --> 00:07:16,686
It can do a carabiner.
179
00:07:16,770 --> 00:07:18,771
Yes, you heard that right.
180
00:07:18,855 --> 00:07:22,316
Now let's get back to the stuff
you love with more Lawrence.
181
00:07:22,400 --> 00:07:24,611
Goodbye, and stay Black.
182
00:07:27,280 --> 00:07:29,073
That felt a little weird.
183
00:07:29,157 --> 00:07:30,658
- The fuck?
184
00:07:31,576 --> 00:07:32,868
{\an8}[Bright notes chime]
- ♪ Lauren ♪
185
00:07:32,952 --> 00:07:35,329
{\an8}Finn Wolfhard,
your career began as a boy
186
00:07:35,413 --> 00:07:38,332
{\an8}of just nine years old
responding to Craigslist ads
187
00:07:38,416 --> 00:07:40,751
{\an8}for freelance acting gigs.
188
00:07:40,835 --> 00:07:43,254
Are you grateful
to still be alive?
189
00:07:43,338 --> 00:07:44,630
- I am, yeah.
190
00:07:44,714 --> 00:07:46,465
I'm grateful that I didn't
answer any Craigslist ads
191
00:07:46,549 --> 00:07:49,594
that had me killed, for sure.
- Mm.
192
00:07:49,678 --> 00:07:51,929
I've still never forgiven
my ex-partner
193
00:07:52,013 --> 00:07:55,349
for listing my nude body
as "for sale"
194
00:07:55,433 --> 00:07:59,103
under "furniture,"
subsection old brooms,
195
00:07:59,187 --> 00:08:00,688
which makes no sense, does it?
196
00:08:00,772 --> 00:08:03,899
Because Finn, is a broom
a piece of furniture?
197
00:08:03,983 --> 00:08:06,235
- No, I would say
it's a cleaning supply.
198
00:08:06,319 --> 00:08:07,695
- That's exactly right.
199
00:08:07,779 --> 00:08:09,155
Finn, I just want to
have you on record
200
00:08:09,239 --> 00:08:12,783
as saying that Lauren Caspian
is nobody's broom.
201
00:08:12,867 --> 00:08:15,828
- Uh, Lauren Caspian
is no one's broom.
202
00:08:15,912 --> 00:08:19,290
- Oh, I love how playful
you are on the air.
203
00:08:19,374 --> 00:08:20,791
- Interviews, to me,
204
00:08:20,875 --> 00:08:22,877
are like making love--
- Uh-huh.
205
00:08:22,961 --> 00:08:24,837
- But without all
of the awful smells.
206
00:08:24,921 --> 00:08:28,466
- Huh. You were about to
show me your loose leaf teas.
207
00:08:28,550 --> 00:08:29,800
- Ah, yes.
208
00:08:29,884 --> 00:08:31,636
I stick to
the high-end chamomiles.
209
00:08:31,720 --> 00:08:34,472
I once had
a blood orange rooibos,
210
00:08:34,556 --> 00:08:36,891
and I completely lost my mind.
- Mm.
211
00:08:36,975 --> 00:08:38,851
- I had to take Narcan
to level out.
212
00:08:38,935 --> 00:08:40,311
- [Laughs]
213
00:08:40,395 --> 00:08:41,729
[Barb laughs]
214
00:08:41,813 --> 00:08:44,106
- Barb, what are you
doing loitering here?
215
00:08:44,190 --> 00:08:47,151
- Yeah, I thought
the break room was VIPs only.
216
00:08:47,235 --> 00:08:49,445
- Wouldn't that be nice?
217
00:08:49,529 --> 00:08:50,905
- Chase, what's that?
218
00:08:50,989 --> 00:08:52,281
- When I found out
it was pledge day,
219
00:08:52,365 --> 00:08:53,824
I ran out and got a keg.
220
00:08:53,908 --> 00:08:57,078
- Chase, we're asking our
listeners to pledge donations.
221
00:08:57,162 --> 00:09:00,331
Mr. Jacoby here is
our most generous donor.
222
00:09:00,415 --> 00:09:02,166
- Hey, I was a frat bro myself.
223
00:09:02,250 --> 00:09:03,251
Sig Ep.
224
00:09:03,335 --> 00:09:05,294
- Sig Ep? Are you serious?
225
00:09:05,378 --> 00:09:06,588
- Wait--
226
00:09:08,673 --> 00:09:11,133
Both: Woof, woof, woof,
woof, woof, woof, woof!
227
00:09:11,217 --> 00:09:12,468
- Oh, wow.
228
00:09:12,552 --> 00:09:14,095
- [Grunts] Yeah!
- Whoo!
229
00:09:14,179 --> 00:09:15,179
- Ah, yes. That's good.
230
00:09:15,263 --> 00:09:17,265
And that's enough.
Shall we continue?
231
00:09:17,349 --> 00:09:18,641
- But of course.
232
00:09:18,725 --> 00:09:21,852
I must see where
the Caspian genius is hatched.
233
00:09:21,936 --> 00:09:23,396
- I've been shopping
the film rights
234
00:09:23,480 --> 00:09:25,106
of my life story for years.
235
00:09:25,190 --> 00:09:27,441
I think you could make
a great young Lauren,
236
00:09:27,525 --> 00:09:30,653
so I'd like to offer you the
chance to audition right now.
237
00:09:30,737 --> 00:09:32,154
Let me set the scene.
238
00:09:32,238 --> 00:09:35,700
You're 14-year-old me,
and you're asking Belinda,
239
00:09:35,784 --> 00:09:37,785
the school nurse, to prom.
240
00:09:37,869 --> 00:09:39,203
- Do I have to do this?
241
00:09:39,287 --> 00:09:40,705
- Mm-hmm.
242
00:09:40,789 --> 00:09:43,339
So Lauren, I understand
you've come to the infirmary
243
00:09:43,375 --> 00:09:47,128
because you've been having
panic attacks and passing gas.
244
00:09:47,212 --> 00:09:48,879
- Yeah, I can't stop.
245
00:09:48,963 --> 00:09:51,215
Oh, God, it won't stop.
246
00:09:51,299 --> 00:09:53,217
Jesus, it won't stop!
247
00:09:53,301 --> 00:09:54,927
- Okay, can I--can I
pause you for a second
248
00:09:55,011 --> 00:09:56,220
and give you
a little direction?
249
00:09:56,304 --> 00:09:57,430
- Mm-hmm.
250
00:09:57,514 --> 00:09:58,931
- I think the distress
is right.
251
00:09:59,015 --> 00:10:01,559
But young Lauren had
a lot more charisma.
252
00:10:01,643 --> 00:10:03,394
Okay, let's jump
to the sex scene.
253
00:10:03,478 --> 00:10:04,895
- What?
254
00:10:04,979 --> 00:10:07,440
- Maybe we can come up with
a little mnemonic device
255
00:10:07,524 --> 00:10:10,401
to help you reset, like BTS.
256
00:10:10,485 --> 00:10:11,986
Breathe, Think, Speak.
257
00:10:12,070 --> 00:10:13,237
- I'm good.
258
00:10:13,321 --> 00:10:15,781
- BTS can also stand
for Bluetooth Speaker.
259
00:10:15,865 --> 00:10:17,241
So that might help you
in two ways.
260
00:10:17,325 --> 00:10:19,493
- Yeah, I think it was just
the last time
261
00:10:19,577 --> 00:10:20,995
you said "three, two,"
262
00:10:21,079 --> 00:10:22,663
and I expected you
to say "one,"
263
00:10:22,747 --> 00:10:24,081
and it threw me off.
264
00:10:24,165 --> 00:10:25,416
But I'm--[chuckles]
265
00:10:25,500 --> 00:10:27,251
I'm ready now.
266
00:10:27,335 --> 00:10:29,337
Small Bluetooth speaker,
belt loop carabiner.
267
00:10:29,421 --> 00:10:30,546
- Perfect.
268
00:10:30,630 --> 00:10:32,131
Real words in the right order.
269
00:10:32,215 --> 00:10:33,341
And here we go.
270
00:10:33,425 --> 00:10:35,051
Three, two--
271
00:10:36,594 --> 00:10:37,595
- Hello.
272
00:10:37,679 --> 00:10:39,513
Welcome, again.
273
00:10:39,597 --> 00:10:41,098
Ahh!
274
00:10:41,182 --> 00:10:44,977
I'm sorry, that was my
throat and body screaming.
275
00:10:45,061 --> 00:10:49,023
The time is now 30:40
in the FM,
276
00:10:49,107 --> 00:10:50,441
so don't be shy.
277
00:10:50,525 --> 00:10:51,776
The water's fine.
278
00:10:51,860 --> 00:10:55,279
Let's hop on in
and make pledge pie.
279
00:10:55,363 --> 00:10:56,781
- [Breathes deeply]
280
00:10:56,865 --> 00:10:58,783
- During our last break--
This is Babian, by the--
281
00:10:58,867 --> 00:11:00,785
Babian? [laughs]
282
00:11:00,869 --> 00:11:02,536
That's not my name.
283
00:11:02,620 --> 00:11:04,121
[In baby voice] I'm a baby.
284
00:11:04,205 --> 00:11:05,373
[Laughs]
285
00:11:05,457 --> 00:11:06,540
- No, you're a grown person.
286
00:11:06,624 --> 00:11:08,459
- [In baby voice]
The mafia did kill JFK.
287
00:11:08,543 --> 00:11:09,585
- [Whispering] BTS.
288
00:11:09,669 --> 00:11:12,129
- [Clears throat] BTS.
289
00:11:12,213 --> 00:11:13,923
Be Tooth Strangler.
290
00:11:14,007 --> 00:11:16,759
It is so small,
yet the sound is large.
291
00:11:16,843 --> 00:11:20,263
With a handy loop
to crimp your wiener.
292
00:11:20,347 --> 00:11:21,806
Belt! Belt!
293
00:11:21,890 --> 00:11:26,644
Use this "squaribiner" to clam
your favorite wiener today.
294
00:11:26,728 --> 00:11:28,604
What is happening?
295
00:11:28,688 --> 00:11:30,189
- It's okay. I've seen worse.
296
00:11:30,273 --> 00:11:32,149
- When?
297
00:11:32,233 --> 00:11:34,233
- YouTube compilations
of monkey attacks.
298
00:11:34,235 --> 00:11:35,403
- Oh, God.
299
00:11:36,738 --> 00:11:38,990
{\an8}- Now, when asked
in an interview
300
00:11:39,074 --> 00:11:42,451
{\an8}if you could star in any movie
you wanted, what would it be,
301
00:11:42,535 --> 00:11:44,704
{\an8}your answer was, "'Jaws.'
302
00:11:44,788 --> 00:11:46,455
{\an8}"I'd like to be
an ocean creature
303
00:11:46,539 --> 00:11:48,708
{\an8}with an appetite for ass."
304
00:11:48,792 --> 00:11:50,835
{\an8}Can you please elaborate?
305
00:11:52,504 --> 00:11:54,672
What did you mean by that?
306
00:11:54,756 --> 00:11:55,965
- I don't know.
307
00:11:56,049 --> 00:11:58,217
I think you can
tease apart the subtext.
308
00:11:58,301 --> 00:12:00,678
Any kind of
public radio listener
309
00:12:00,762 --> 00:12:03,347
could understand what
I was saying from that.
310
00:12:03,431 --> 00:12:05,641
- An appetite for ass.
311
00:12:05,725 --> 00:12:07,852
- [Laughs]
- That's lovely.
312
00:12:08,937 --> 00:12:10,237
[Loon calls]
[bright chime]
313
00:12:10,271 --> 00:12:11,939
- Whoo!
314
00:12:12,023 --> 00:12:15,234
- The call of the common loon
means we have a new pledge.
315
00:12:15,318 --> 00:12:19,071
And the donor is entitled
to an "In the Know" T-shirt.
316
00:12:19,155 --> 00:12:21,198
Gene, would you like
to help us grab one
317
00:12:21,282 --> 00:12:23,075
to pack up and send out?
- Yeah.
318
00:12:23,159 --> 00:12:24,869
And then maybe Gene would
like to take out the garbage
319
00:12:24,953 --> 00:12:26,603
and put toner
in the copy machine.
320
00:12:26,621 --> 00:12:28,247
- I just thought
he might enjoy--
321
00:12:28,331 --> 00:12:30,081
- Come, Gene.
Let's get you a shirt.
322
00:12:30,125 --> 00:12:33,127
We keep them in
the lactation station.
323
00:12:33,211 --> 00:12:34,378
[Knocks]
324
00:12:34,462 --> 00:12:35,755
- What do you want?
325
00:12:35,839 --> 00:12:37,131
- We were just
grabbing a T-shirt.
326
00:12:37,215 --> 00:12:38,674
- Why?
- It's for a donor.
327
00:12:38,758 --> 00:12:40,051
- Who?
328
00:12:40,135 --> 00:12:42,803
- Gene, this is Sandy,
the studio's hobgoblin.
329
00:12:42,887 --> 00:12:44,931
- Ten bucks for the shirt.
330
00:12:45,015 --> 00:12:47,224
- Sandy, the T-shirt is a gift.
331
00:12:47,308 --> 00:12:48,726
- I-it's fine.
332
00:12:48,810 --> 00:12:50,811
Got to respect an
entrepreneurial spirit.
333
00:12:50,895 --> 00:12:52,521
Here's $20,
and you know what?
334
00:12:52,605 --> 00:12:54,231
Keep the change.
335
00:12:54,315 --> 00:12:55,775
- [Sniffs]
336
00:12:55,859 --> 00:12:57,652
[grunts]
337
00:12:57,736 --> 00:12:59,636
- Well, if we could
fire him, we would.
338
00:12:59,654 --> 00:13:02,323
But every time we do, he gets
picked up for prostitution.
339
00:13:02,407 --> 00:13:03,783
- Huh.
340
00:13:03,867 --> 00:13:05,910
- Evidently, he's a legal
alternative for necrophiliacs.
341
00:13:05,994 --> 00:13:08,412
His body is 64 degrees.
342
00:13:08,496 --> 00:13:09,831
- Hmm?
343
00:13:13,126 --> 00:13:16,420
- ♪ Legendary Lauren ♪
344
00:13:16,504 --> 00:13:19,966
Norah Jones, as a girl,
you were given multiple solos
345
00:13:20,050 --> 00:13:21,676
in your church choir.
346
00:13:21,760 --> 00:13:23,094
Because even
in the House of God,
347
00:13:23,178 --> 00:13:24,845
you were the real star.
348
00:13:24,929 --> 00:13:27,014
- [Chuckles]
I didn't get all the solos.
349
00:13:27,098 --> 00:13:28,891
I remember auditioning once
for the part
350
00:13:28,975 --> 00:13:31,435
of Mary in a church program.
351
00:13:31,519 --> 00:13:34,021
And instead, I got
the part of Joseph.
352
00:13:34,105 --> 00:13:35,690
- Mm.
- I was upset,
353
00:13:35,774 --> 00:13:37,149
'cause I really wanted
the Mary solo.
354
00:13:37,233 --> 00:13:39,527
Also, I was about
two feet shorter
355
00:13:39,611 --> 00:13:40,961
than the girl who got Mary.
356
00:13:41,029 --> 00:13:42,613
- And did you ever think
about taking matters
357
00:13:42,697 --> 00:13:45,491
into your own hands
and pulling a Tonya Harding
358
00:13:45,575 --> 00:13:47,368
with that unholy giantess?
359
00:13:47,452 --> 00:13:50,037
- I do think that her mom
was the choir director, so...
360
00:13:50,121 --> 00:13:52,039
- Ugh!
- I'm not saying that's why.
361
00:13:52,123 --> 00:13:55,501
{\an8}- The original nepo baby
was Mary on Christmas.
362
00:13:55,585 --> 00:13:57,045
{\an8}- [Laughs] Yes.
363
00:13:58,463 --> 00:13:59,797
- Yo, Carl.
364
00:13:59,881 --> 00:14:01,090
You ready to pledge?
365
00:14:01,174 --> 00:14:03,384
- What? Also, no.
366
00:14:03,468 --> 00:14:05,886
- Okay, I know today isn't
literally about frats.
367
00:14:05,970 --> 00:14:07,972
But it's still
the perfect opportunity
368
00:14:08,056 --> 00:14:10,808
to traumatize our
sweet little livers as a fam.
369
00:14:10,892 --> 00:14:12,101
- I'm good.
370
00:14:12,185 --> 00:14:13,687
How you doing, Fabian?
371
00:14:17,107 --> 00:14:18,399
- I can help you.
372
00:14:18,483 --> 00:14:20,651
Suck on this tube
till you hit foam.
373
00:14:20,735 --> 00:14:22,069
- [Groans]
374
00:14:22,153 --> 00:14:25,281
- Honestly, Fabian, that
might be a good idea.
375
00:14:25,365 --> 00:14:27,074
- This is not an
endorsement of Greek life
376
00:14:27,158 --> 00:14:29,035
or its rapey wolf culture.
377
00:14:29,119 --> 00:14:32,288
- Chug, chug, chug, chug!
378
00:14:35,041 --> 00:14:37,251
{\an8}- Ah.
379
00:14:37,335 --> 00:14:39,462
This office is so impressive.
380
00:14:39,546 --> 00:14:42,381
- Oh, you're the first person
who's reacted that way.
381
00:14:42,465 --> 00:14:43,966
- Look at this.
382
00:14:44,050 --> 00:14:47,094
- That's the blue ribbon
I got for fastest recovery
383
00:14:47,178 --> 00:14:49,138
from pediatric bone spurs.
384
00:14:49,222 --> 00:14:52,266
- What a fun piece
of memorabilia.
385
00:14:52,350 --> 00:14:53,768
My God.
386
00:14:53,852 --> 00:14:55,102
- It's my childhood recorder.
387
00:14:55,186 --> 00:14:56,354
- Oh, my gosh.
388
00:14:56,438 --> 00:14:57,897
- My first interview
was with my father.
389
00:14:57,981 --> 00:14:59,774
I was five years old.
390
00:14:59,858 --> 00:15:01,275
It's a simple question.
391
00:15:01,359 --> 00:15:02,944
Why did Mommy leave?
392
00:15:03,028 --> 00:15:04,362
- God damn it, Lauren!
393
00:15:04,446 --> 00:15:05,613
Put on your jacket.
We're going to school!
394
00:15:05,697 --> 00:15:07,573
- You're pivoting.
395
00:15:07,657 --> 00:15:09,241
- A child prodigy!
396
00:15:09,325 --> 00:15:11,953
- He never did
answer the question.
397
00:15:12,037 --> 00:15:13,871
- Lauren,
398
00:15:13,955 --> 00:15:17,208
I didn't come here today
for a studio tour.
399
00:15:17,292 --> 00:15:19,669
I came here for you.
400
00:15:19,753 --> 00:15:21,337
- Are we about to kiss?
401
00:15:21,421 --> 00:15:23,005
- We could.
402
00:15:23,089 --> 00:15:24,939
But I think I've got
something better.
403
00:15:26,426 --> 00:15:28,636
I'm starting a podcast network,
404
00:15:28,720 --> 00:15:31,889
and I want you to host
our flagship show.
405
00:15:31,973 --> 00:15:33,349
- Oh, wow.
406
00:15:33,433 --> 00:15:34,809
Podcasts.
407
00:15:34,893 --> 00:15:37,353
- We'll be rolling
in Casper money.
408
00:15:37,437 --> 00:15:41,399
- Gene, I'm experiencing
a full body blush.
409
00:15:41,483 --> 00:15:44,151
But I could never
leave public radio.
410
00:15:44,235 --> 00:15:45,569
- I'm going to write
a number down.
411
00:15:45,653 --> 00:15:47,488
- No, there's no point.
412
00:15:47,572 --> 00:15:49,573
Gene, public radio
is not a career,
413
00:15:49,657 --> 00:15:50,992
it's a calling,
414
00:15:51,076 --> 00:15:53,035
to disturb the comfortable,
415
00:15:53,119 --> 00:15:55,288
to comfort the disturbed.
416
00:15:55,372 --> 00:15:57,665
It's about giving voice to--
417
00:15:57,749 --> 00:15:59,709
Oh, heavens to fucking Betsy.
418
00:15:59,793 --> 00:16:01,627
- Yeah.
- [Gasps]
419
00:16:01,711 --> 00:16:02,962
- Knock knock.
420
00:16:03,046 --> 00:16:05,172
- Does she always knock
and say, "Knock knock?"
421
00:16:05,256 --> 00:16:06,716
- She does. You do.
422
00:16:06,800 --> 00:16:08,350
- Gene, can I get you anything?
423
00:16:08,426 --> 00:16:09,510
Coffee?
424
00:16:09,594 --> 00:16:12,013
Maybe a pen if you
need to sign anything.
425
00:16:12,097 --> 00:16:14,849
- Could you get us
two 38-ounce Pom Boys?
426
00:16:14,933 --> 00:16:17,518
Cold pressed pomegranate juice
for men.
427
00:16:17,602 --> 00:16:18,853
- 38 ounce?
428
00:16:18,937 --> 00:16:20,187
- If that's too--
- No, no, no!
429
00:16:20,271 --> 00:16:21,522
I'll be right back.
430
00:16:21,606 --> 00:16:22,565
- Hurry, Barbo.
431
00:16:22,649 --> 00:16:24,066
We're thirsty.
432
00:16:24,150 --> 00:16:28,696
And that, my friend, is how
you create a no crone zone.
433
00:16:28,780 --> 00:16:32,074
I'm not even sure
they make a 38-ounce Pom.
434
00:16:32,158 --> 00:16:34,035
In fact, I know they don't.
435
00:16:34,119 --> 00:16:35,662
[Chuckles]
436
00:16:37,205 --> 00:16:39,124
[exhales]
437
00:16:40,291 --> 00:16:43,210
- Asked for $10, but I got $20.
438
00:16:43,294 --> 00:16:46,130
Asked for a bit,
but I got plenty.
439
00:16:46,214 --> 00:16:47,757
- Hey, Sandy.
440
00:16:47,841 --> 00:16:49,216
- Who told you my name?
441
00:16:49,300 --> 00:16:51,093
- Look, I'm starting
an office frat.
442
00:16:51,177 --> 00:16:52,929
Want to be our first member?
443
00:16:53,013 --> 00:16:55,431
- Waive the dues,
and it's a deal.
444
00:16:55,515 --> 00:16:56,725
- Hell yeah!
445
00:16:58,643 --> 00:17:00,061
- Let's go, girls.
446
00:17:00,145 --> 00:17:01,813
Time to have a little fun.
447
00:17:03,231 --> 00:17:04,566
- Hard core.
448
00:17:08,653 --> 00:17:11,072
- It couldn't have been easy
living in the shadow
449
00:17:11,156 --> 00:17:12,531
of your famous father,
450
00:17:12,615 --> 00:17:15,576
{\an8}Darth Vader himself,
James Earl Jones.
451
00:17:15,660 --> 00:17:17,578
{\an8}- [Laughs]
452
00:17:17,662 --> 00:17:18,788
{\an8}That's not my dad.
453
00:17:18,872 --> 00:17:20,039
- Are you sure?
454
00:17:20,123 --> 00:17:21,749
- No, my dad is Indiana Jones.
455
00:17:21,833 --> 00:17:23,584
- Ah, Harrison Ford.
456
00:17:23,668 --> 00:17:25,836
And was it confusing
to have a father
457
00:17:25,920 --> 00:17:29,048
who would steal artifacts,
even in fictional form,
458
00:17:29,132 --> 00:17:30,800
from developing nations?
459
00:17:30,884 --> 00:17:32,260
- I'm messing with you.
460
00:17:32,344 --> 00:17:35,346
My dad was an Indian musician
named Ravi Shankar.
461
00:17:35,430 --> 00:17:37,890
- I mean, so they
call him Indiana Jones
462
00:17:37,974 --> 00:17:39,350
because he's Indian?
463
00:17:39,434 --> 00:17:41,978
Oh, hateful and confusing.
464
00:17:42,062 --> 00:17:45,231
- No, I did--
I didn't say that.
465
00:17:45,315 --> 00:17:47,275
- You think you can
handle a few calls?
466
00:17:47,359 --> 00:17:48,734
- I'm gonna crush this.
467
00:17:48,818 --> 00:17:50,111
I talk every day.
468
00:17:50,195 --> 00:17:52,321
To the mailman, Starbucks.
469
00:17:52,405 --> 00:17:53,698
- That's right.
470
00:17:53,782 --> 00:17:56,082
You're just gonna talk,
just like to Starbucks.
471
00:17:56,159 --> 00:17:58,786
- No problem-o, Barl.
472
00:17:58,870 --> 00:18:01,747
- And we're on in three, two--
473
00:18:01,831 --> 00:18:03,131
- Let's go, motherfuckers.
474
00:18:04,751 --> 00:18:06,502
Wow, and it's back.
475
00:18:06,586 --> 00:18:10,256
Drivers, pledge your engines.
476
00:18:10,340 --> 00:18:12,383
- How did she get sober
that fast?
477
00:18:12,467 --> 00:18:14,719
[Buzzer]
- We have a caller.
478
00:18:14,803 --> 00:18:15,886
Jaynar.
479
00:18:15,970 --> 00:18:17,388
Am I pronouncing
that correctly?
480
00:18:17,472 --> 00:18:19,140
- It's actually Shayna.
481
00:18:19,224 --> 00:18:21,225
Hi.
- I'm so sorry, Jaynar.
482
00:18:21,309 --> 00:18:23,477
- No, it's okay. It's Shayna.
483
00:18:23,561 --> 00:18:26,188
I'm scared for you personally,
and I'm worried
484
00:18:26,272 --> 00:18:27,732
you're putting the station
in jeopardy.
485
00:18:27,816 --> 00:18:30,192
- Thanks so much, Jaynar.
486
00:18:30,276 --> 00:18:33,487
Send that fatty a speaker
with one long Blacktooth.
487
00:18:33,571 --> 00:18:36,824
It's great for women,
pets, teens!
488
00:18:36,908 --> 00:18:40,244
Give it to a young boy,
and they will scream.
489
00:18:40,328 --> 00:18:42,872
Everyone must die,
but, Bluetooth,
490
00:18:42,956 --> 00:18:45,499
me love you long time.
491
00:18:45,583 --> 00:18:46,709
Carabiner.
492
00:18:46,793 --> 00:18:49,337
Next up, Carl!
493
00:18:51,464 --> 00:18:52,840
- What are you doing?
494
00:18:52,924 --> 00:18:54,300
- I was a problemo, Carl.
495
00:18:54,384 --> 00:18:56,260
- No. Dead air is a problemo.
496
00:18:56,344 --> 00:18:58,054
- Yeah, so, go get on the mic.
497
00:18:58,138 --> 00:18:59,805
I already introduced you.
- Oh.
498
00:18:59,889 --> 00:19:01,766
- [Groans]
499
00:19:03,643 --> 00:19:04,936
- Hello.
500
00:19:05,020 --> 00:19:06,854
[Chuckles]
501
00:19:06,938 --> 00:19:09,858
[electricity humming]
502
00:19:14,446 --> 00:19:17,031
[electronic music playing]
- Libations, please.
503
00:19:17,115 --> 00:19:18,449
- Whoo!
504
00:19:18,533 --> 00:19:20,284
- I'm going to live forever.
505
00:19:20,368 --> 00:19:21,410
- You go, girl.
506
00:19:21,494 --> 00:19:22,995
[Both grunting loudly]
507
00:19:23,079 --> 00:19:26,415
- It's strange because
we're around the same age,
508
00:19:26,499 --> 00:19:27,959
but I must confess,
509
00:19:28,043 --> 00:19:30,795
{\an8}I have an odd desire
for you to be my mother.
510
00:19:30,879 --> 00:19:32,679
{\an8}Has anyone ever
told you that before?
511
00:19:32,756 --> 00:19:33,965
{\an8}- Never.
512
00:19:34,049 --> 00:19:35,216
{\an8}That is strange.
513
00:19:35,300 --> 00:19:36,634
{\an8}- Mm. Follow-up.
514
00:19:36,718 --> 00:19:39,387
If you were my mother,
how would you sleep train me?
515
00:19:39,471 --> 00:19:41,055
Assume I'm already swaddled.
516
00:19:41,139 --> 00:19:44,892
- Oh. I would teach you
the 4-7-8 breathing technique.
517
00:19:44,976 --> 00:19:46,060
- Teach me right now, please.
518
00:19:46,144 --> 00:19:47,228
As though you were my mother.
519
00:19:47,312 --> 00:19:48,729
- Okay, sweetie.
520
00:19:48,813 --> 00:19:51,065
Now, now, breathe in
for four counts.
521
00:19:51,149 --> 00:19:52,316
Ready?
522
00:19:52,400 --> 00:19:53,567
Two, three--
523
00:19:53,651 --> 00:19:54,902
- I ran out of lung capacity.
524
00:19:54,986 --> 00:19:57,322
- I don't think
you're doing it right.
525
00:19:59,657 --> 00:20:00,992
- [Groans]
526
00:20:01,076 --> 00:20:02,326
- Isn't that nice?
527
00:20:02,410 --> 00:20:03,703
- [Hoarsely]
It's smooth as hell.
528
00:20:03,787 --> 00:20:05,621
- And, look,
we're just getting started.
529
00:20:05,705 --> 00:20:07,081
Picture it.
530
00:20:07,165 --> 00:20:10,084
You, me, and Malcolm Gladwell
531
00:20:10,168 --> 00:20:14,338
loading up on veggie samosas
before we go out and slay.
532
00:20:14,422 --> 00:20:15,548
I want to tell you something.
533
00:20:15,632 --> 00:20:18,843
Podcast chicks
are out of control, Laur.
534
00:20:18,927 --> 00:20:22,805
It's like a women's march
straight to your fucking futon.
535
00:20:22,889 --> 00:20:24,265
- Gladwell has
a lot of intercourse?
536
00:20:24,349 --> 00:20:25,683
- Are you kidding?
537
00:20:25,767 --> 00:20:28,185
His dick's so dirty, when
he swam in the East River,
538
00:20:28,269 --> 00:20:30,271
the river got sick.
539
00:20:30,355 --> 00:20:32,356
- But Gene, I'm actually
more of a sapiosexual,
540
00:20:32,440 --> 00:20:33,983
attracted to ideas.
541
00:20:34,067 --> 00:20:37,194
- Well, here's an idea
to make your dangle tingle.
542
00:20:37,278 --> 00:20:38,863
Public recognition.
543
00:20:38,947 --> 00:20:40,448
- Mm.
544
00:20:40,532 --> 00:20:42,700
- I haven't heard a pledge loon
in a long time.
545
00:20:42,784 --> 00:20:45,286
Why is that?
- I don't know.
546
00:20:45,370 --> 00:20:47,330
- "In the Know" is
third-tier Public Radio.
547
00:20:47,414 --> 00:20:49,373
- Oh.
- It's not your fault, though.
548
00:20:49,457 --> 00:20:52,418
My uncle PJ,
he used to say this,
549
00:20:52,502 --> 00:20:54,462
and he used to say it
all the time.
550
00:20:54,546 --> 00:20:58,174
Without proper support,
even the most beautiful boob
551
00:20:58,258 --> 00:20:59,800
just looks like a silly tit.
552
00:20:59,884 --> 00:21:01,594
- You know, I always
wanted a guy I could
553
00:21:01,678 --> 00:21:03,471
just talk brassieres with.
554
00:21:03,555 --> 00:21:05,056
- Lauren, you're
the most beautiful boob
555
00:21:05,140 --> 00:21:06,641
I have ever heard.
556
00:21:06,725 --> 00:21:11,146
But your squad treats you
like an old broom.
557
00:21:12,564 --> 00:21:16,233
- Lauren Caspian is
no one's broom.
558
00:21:16,317 --> 00:21:17,526
[Knocks]
559
00:21:17,610 --> 00:21:19,487
- I guess I'll say,
knock knock.
560
00:21:19,571 --> 00:21:21,864
- [Chuckles]
Where'd you get them, Taiwan?
561
00:21:21,948 --> 00:21:25,368
- I did actually have to
take the PATH out to Jersey.
562
00:21:25,452 --> 00:21:26,827
[Electronic music playing]
563
00:21:26,911 --> 00:21:30,915
- Boobs are like a keg,
but the beer is milk.
564
00:21:30,999 --> 00:21:32,250
- Hey.
565
00:21:32,334 --> 00:21:33,793
Hey.
566
00:21:33,877 --> 00:21:34,835
[Pump whirring]
567
00:21:34,919 --> 00:21:36,588
- [laughs]
568
00:21:38,214 --> 00:21:40,174
{\an8}- Oh, shit!
569
00:21:40,258 --> 00:21:41,384
{\an8}- Oh!
- [Grunts]
570
00:21:41,468 --> 00:21:43,344
{\an8}Hey!
- Dude.
571
00:21:43,428 --> 00:21:45,221
{\an8}Shit. Shit.
572
00:21:45,305 --> 00:21:47,556
{\an8}- It's dragging me
into a black hole!
573
00:21:47,640 --> 00:21:49,850
- Sandy! Sandy!
574
00:21:49,934 --> 00:21:54,397
- Ergo, it is not furniture,
but a cleaning supply.
575
00:21:54,481 --> 00:21:55,690
- What?
576
00:21:55,774 --> 00:21:57,108
- You need me to
spell it out, Barb?
577
00:21:57,192 --> 00:21:58,401
Today's the last--
578
00:21:58,485 --> 00:22:00,695
- Sandy's inside a machine
and might be dead.
579
00:22:00,779 --> 00:22:03,198
- I'm merging with the past.
580
00:22:07,410 --> 00:22:08,619
{\an8}- [Groaning]
[pump whirring]
581
00:22:08,703 --> 00:22:09,745
- Oh, my God.
582
00:22:09,829 --> 00:22:11,080
- What is--oh.
583
00:22:11,164 --> 00:22:12,456
- Sandy, stay calm.
584
00:22:12,540 --> 00:22:14,959
- It thinks my whole body's
a tit!
585
00:22:15,043 --> 00:22:16,752
{\an8}[Groaning]
586
00:22:16,836 --> 00:22:18,087
{\an8}- [grunting]
587
00:22:18,171 --> 00:22:19,505
{\an8}[whirring stops]
588
00:22:19,589 --> 00:22:20,756
{\an8}- Oh.
589
00:22:20,840 --> 00:22:22,842
{\an8}- You're okay now.
590
00:22:22,926 --> 00:22:24,093
{\an8}It's over.
591
00:22:24,177 --> 00:22:25,761
- All right, beautiful moment.
592
00:22:25,845 --> 00:22:26,929
Let's go, Laur.
593
00:22:27,013 --> 00:22:28,347
- Where are you going?
594
00:22:28,431 --> 00:22:31,601
- I'm going to be a host
at Amuse Bouche Media.
595
00:22:31,685 --> 00:22:32,810
I'm leaving.
596
00:22:32,894 --> 00:22:34,521
- He's leaving. Lauren's out.
597
00:22:35,939 --> 00:22:37,440
- What?
- Oh, come on.
598
00:22:37,524 --> 00:22:39,066
You didn't see it coming?
599
00:22:39,150 --> 00:22:40,526
Lauren fucking Caspian
isn't gonna
600
00:22:40,610 --> 00:22:42,111
waste away with you losers.
601
00:22:42,195 --> 00:22:43,195
- I'm not gonna waste away--
602
00:22:43,279 --> 00:22:44,947
We don't have
to call them losers.
603
00:22:45,031 --> 00:22:46,365
- Are you being serious
right now?
604
00:22:46,449 --> 00:22:48,034
Look at this group of people.
605
00:22:48,118 --> 00:22:50,786
Look at this
dreadful group of humans.
606
00:22:50,870 --> 00:22:52,121
- [Clears throat]
607
00:22:52,205 --> 00:22:54,707
- I mean, this guy looks
like a C-list mummy man.
608
00:22:54,791 --> 00:22:56,500
You know, one of those guys
they threw in the pyramids
609
00:22:56,584 --> 00:22:58,669
so the pharaoh
would have company.
610
00:22:58,753 --> 00:23:00,254
- Easy, Gene.
611
00:23:00,338 --> 00:23:02,256
- This one over here
is like if Lena Dunham
612
00:23:02,340 --> 00:23:04,383
had a kid with Lena Dunham
613
00:23:04,467 --> 00:23:06,510
and was raised
by an au pair Lena Dunham.
614
00:23:06,594 --> 00:23:07,678
- No. Yeah.
615
00:23:07,762 --> 00:23:09,680
I mean, it's uncanny,
but it's mean.
616
00:23:09,764 --> 00:23:10,973
- Oh, come on!
617
00:23:11,057 --> 00:23:12,975
Look at this guy.
618
00:23:13,059 --> 00:23:14,518
Nerd.
619
00:23:14,602 --> 00:23:15,854
Straight up.
620
00:23:17,230 --> 00:23:18,648
- Just cool it.
621
00:23:18,732 --> 00:23:19,899
- Give me a break.
622
00:23:19,983 --> 00:23:21,233
This one looks like a
sad child who dressed up
623
00:23:21,317 --> 00:23:22,767
in her father's ugly sweater.
624
00:23:22,819 --> 00:23:24,028
- No.
625
00:23:24,112 --> 00:23:26,489
- It actually belonged
to my deceased husband.
626
00:23:26,573 --> 00:23:28,658
- Was he shot
by the fashion police?
627
00:23:28,742 --> 00:23:29,909
That's my question.
628
00:23:29,993 --> 00:23:31,077
- Gene, enough!
629
00:23:31,161 --> 00:23:32,370
- I'm just having some fun.
630
00:23:32,454 --> 00:23:34,246
- No, this isn't fun!
631
00:23:34,330 --> 00:23:35,730
I don't know how things work
632
00:23:35,749 --> 00:23:37,208
in the world
of luxury athleisure.
633
00:23:37,292 --> 00:23:40,086
But here at NPR,
having money doesn't mean
634
00:23:40,170 --> 00:23:41,379
you get to be cruel.
635
00:23:41,463 --> 00:23:43,339
- But Lauren,
these people suck.
636
00:23:43,423 --> 00:23:44,840
- Maybe they do.
637
00:23:44,924 --> 00:23:46,384
But they're also my friends.
638
00:23:46,468 --> 00:23:47,969
And I'm not gonna just
stand here
639
00:23:48,053 --> 00:23:51,097
and let you ridicule their dead
husband's horrible clothes.
640
00:23:51,181 --> 00:23:52,932
- Aw.
641
00:23:53,016 --> 00:23:54,225
- Come on.
642
00:23:54,309 --> 00:23:55,768
- No, I think it's time
for you to leave.
643
00:23:55,852 --> 00:23:58,229
You're probably late
for an Indian lunch
644
00:23:58,313 --> 00:24:00,440
with Malcolm Gladwell's
dirty old penis.
645
00:24:01,983 --> 00:24:03,651
- Do you still want the check?
646
00:24:04,694 --> 00:24:05,736
- Yes, please.
647
00:24:05,820 --> 00:24:07,238
- Yeah.
Well, you're not gonna get it.
648
00:24:07,322 --> 00:24:08,948
Fuck you. And fuck them.
649
00:24:10,450 --> 00:24:11,867
Stop looking at me.
650
00:24:11,951 --> 00:24:13,661
Weirdos.
651
00:24:13,745 --> 00:24:16,122
And fuck whatever the hell
that lame-ass gift for donors
652
00:24:16,206 --> 00:24:17,707
was supposed to be.
653
00:24:17,791 --> 00:24:19,250
- [Shouts]
654
00:24:19,334 --> 00:24:21,043
- [grunts]
- Oh, shoot.
655
00:24:21,127 --> 00:24:23,963
- It is a small
Bluetooth speaker
656
00:24:24,047 --> 00:24:27,466
that clips onto your belt loop
with a carabiner,
657
00:24:27,550 --> 00:24:30,595
you arrogant sack of shit!
658
00:24:30,679 --> 00:24:33,889
Carl, turn up my mic. Let's go!
659
00:24:33,973 --> 00:24:35,475
- You got it.
660
00:24:36,643 --> 00:24:38,343
- Listen up,
all you needle-dicked,
661
00:24:38,395 --> 00:24:40,771
neoliberal, piss pants pricks.
662
00:24:40,855 --> 00:24:44,025
[Shouting]
I am done messing around!
663
00:24:44,109 --> 00:24:45,901
Donate, and we will give you
664
00:24:45,985 --> 00:24:49,405
a motherfucking small
Bluetooth speaker that
665
00:24:49,489 --> 00:24:53,826
clips onto your belt loop
with a motherfucking carabiner.
666
00:24:53,910 --> 00:24:59,248
It is the perfect size to
shove up your little buttholes.
667
00:24:59,332 --> 00:25:01,542
But don't just take
my word for it.
668
00:25:01,626 --> 00:25:06,797
Pledge right now and see
for yourself, perverts!
669
00:25:06,881 --> 00:25:08,633
Fabian out!
670
00:25:08,717 --> 00:25:09,676
[Mic thuds]
671
00:25:11,094 --> 00:25:14,014
{\an8}[Loon calling]
672
00:25:17,017 --> 00:25:19,519
{\an8}- Holy shit.
673
00:25:20,395 --> 00:25:23,272
- I guess deep down,
public radio listeners
674
00:25:23,356 --> 00:25:25,858
are just a bunch
of progressive pay pigs
675
00:25:25,942 --> 00:25:27,902
begging to get dommed.
676
00:25:27,986 --> 00:25:29,529
- Who knew?
677
00:25:33,658 --> 00:25:34,951
- And how long will it take
the ambulance
678
00:25:35,035 --> 00:25:36,161
to get here?
679
00:25:39,456 --> 00:25:40,581
Mm.
680
00:25:40,665 --> 00:25:42,083
- Voila.
681
00:25:42,167 --> 00:25:45,003
- Sandy, that's like
the "Mona Lisa" of wieners.
682
00:25:46,004 --> 00:25:47,964
What's she smiling about?
683
00:25:49,674 --> 00:25:52,093
- Whose house?
684
00:25:52,177 --> 00:25:53,428
- Our house.
685
00:25:54,721 --> 00:25:57,223
- Gene's definitely
going to sue us.
686
00:25:58,558 --> 00:25:59,558
Sandy, no!
687
00:25:59,642 --> 00:26:02,520
{\an8}[Jazz music]
688
00:26:02,604 --> 00:26:09,736
{\an8}♪ ♪
689
00:26:09,786 --> 00:26:14,336
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