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1
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ALICE: How long do you have to leave
children's drawings up for?
2
00:00:51,217 --> 00:00:54,414
Is a question we'd all rather not face, isn't it?
3
00:00:54,937 --> 00:00:57,929
When they're presented to you with such glee.
4
00:01:03,097 --> 00:01:05,008
I mean, what is that?
5
00:01:06,497 --> 00:01:08,931
I don't want to look at that on my fridge
every morning.
6
00:01:09,017 --> 00:01:10,848
It's extremely disturbing.
7
00:01:12,217 --> 00:01:14,606
Five days, I'd say, is ample.
8
00:01:15,417 --> 00:01:19,046
And then you really shouldn't feel guilty
about putting them in a drawer.
9
00:01:19,137 --> 00:01:21,651
Of course, with my godsons it's more difficult.
10
00:01:21,737 --> 00:01:24,968
His mother has them all framed
before she gives them to me.
11
00:01:25,457 --> 00:01:28,972
Ever since I made the mistake of saying
he was a budding Michelangelo.
12
00:01:30,057 --> 00:01:33,891
Suppose I'll have to fish all them out again
this week when they come round.
13
00:01:34,177 --> 00:01:36,213
To avoid offence.
14
00:01:48,417 --> 00:01:51,773
If he asks me when I last had intercourse,
I don't know what I'll do.
15
00:01:51,857 --> 00:01:53,734
I'll just have to lie.
16
00:01:54,817 --> 00:01:59,254
Well, I did recently spend the night with a man
who pleasured my feet.
17
00:01:59,337 --> 00:02:02,613
But then it all got a bit awkward
when he came up for air
18
00:02:02,697 --> 00:02:05,291
and found me writing a shopping list.
19
00:02:05,377 --> 00:02:08,016
So we both turned over and went to sleep.
20
00:02:08,937 --> 00:02:11,405
How to sound like a lunatic.
21
00:02:11,497 --> 00:02:15,046
Oh, for goodness sake!
You're just here for some more Prozac.
22
00:02:15,137 --> 00:02:17,697
Why would he want to know
when you had intercourse?
23
00:02:18,097 --> 00:02:19,974
Alice Chenery, room 4.
24
00:02:20,057 --> 00:02:21,809
If he asks me, I'll have to lie.
25
00:02:25,417 --> 00:02:29,251
GIL: The sound of a blackbird.
Just has to be right up there, doesn't it?
26
00:02:29,337 --> 00:02:31,453
As one of the reasons for living.
27
00:02:32,497 --> 00:02:34,328
Of course, that's just my opinion.
28
00:02:34,417 --> 00:02:37,853
The birdsong critic of the Sunday Times
would probably find it
29
00:02:38,217 --> 00:02:41,812
''mawkishly fluting
and devoid of contemporary insight''.
30
00:02:42,737 --> 00:02:44,614
So what do I know?
31
00:02:45,817 --> 00:02:48,968
Well, I know I'm not going write
anything funny standing here.
32
00:02:49,897 --> 00:02:53,572
You think if you come out first thing
in the morning, it'll help clear your mind,
33
00:02:53,657 --> 00:02:57,809
you're going to start to free-associate
and come up with some great new ideas but...
34
00:02:58,897 --> 00:03:02,128
I don't know, when you're at one with nature
35
00:03:02,217 --> 00:03:04,572
it's very hard to contemplate the folly of man.
36
00:03:31,337 --> 00:03:34,454
Oh, now when did all this nonsense start?
37
00:03:36,217 --> 00:03:39,414
I have nothing against Charlotte.
I don't know who Charlotte is,
38
00:03:39,497 --> 00:03:42,330
I hope she has a really great time, but this...
39
00:03:42,577 --> 00:03:44,807
is just noise pollution for the deaf.
40
00:03:45,497 --> 00:03:49,046
It's like today I'm going to walk around
with my underpants on the outside.
41
00:03:49,177 --> 00:03:51,372
It's personal stuff, okay.
42
00:03:51,457 --> 00:03:54,255
You don't need to share it
with the rest of the world.
43
00:04:00,617 --> 00:04:04,007
Now this I quite like, I think.
44
00:04:05,257 --> 00:04:08,533
Let's see, I wonder if I can get a meeting
with Lloyd tomorrow.
45
00:04:22,297 --> 00:04:24,367
Hey! A little respect, okay.
46
00:04:42,657 --> 00:04:46,570
See, she's fallen for the old frosted glass myth.
47
00:04:46,657 --> 00:04:49,729
You think no one can see anything
from outside, but....
48
00:04:55,457 --> 00:04:57,413
Did I dream that the other day?
49
00:04:57,497 --> 00:05:00,170
She'd put my face on that photo
with her husband?
50
00:05:02,017 --> 00:05:05,646
Maybe just digital doodling of some kind.
51
00:05:06,377 --> 00:05:07,651
Possibly.
52
00:05:12,057 --> 00:05:15,572
For crying out loud!
Will you come away from this window?
53
00:05:18,017 --> 00:05:22,249
You're going turn into one of those guys
with the thick pebble glasses
54
00:05:22,337 --> 00:05:25,807
who stand at the bottom of escalators.
It's disgusting.
55
00:05:28,657 --> 00:05:31,649
Oh, my God! How did she see me? That's unreal.
56
00:05:36,937 --> 00:05:40,327
So that's that, then.
I'll have to sell my house and leave the country.
57
00:05:40,417 --> 00:05:42,169
A perfect start to the day.
58
00:05:43,177 --> 00:05:47,614
MAN: Could a member of the cleaning staff
go to checkout 4 please? Checkout 4.
59
00:05:48,537 --> 00:05:50,255
Is that....
60
00:05:50,897 --> 00:05:52,649
From the doctor's waiting room?
61
00:05:52,737 --> 00:05:56,127
Oh, God, it is as well. Oh, God!
62
00:05:57,577 --> 00:05:59,533
Come on, come on, hurry!
63
00:06:00,657 --> 00:06:03,012
Why did I pick them up?
64
00:06:03,097 --> 00:06:05,895
Because they got nothing smaller
and you're right out.
65
00:06:05,977 --> 00:06:09,652
Yes, but what's he going to think?
When you've just come from the doctor's?
66
00:06:12,417 --> 00:06:15,773
And what on earth possessed you
to buy that mop?
67
00:06:17,057 --> 00:06:19,696
Perhaps with any luck he won't see me.
68
00:06:22,097 --> 00:06:25,692
Yes! And there goes the air freshener!
69
00:06:26,937 --> 00:06:30,009
Thank you so much for this. Please can I just die?
70
00:06:53,777 --> 00:06:55,768
You have no messages.
71
00:07:17,897 --> 00:07:20,570
Sorry, what am I looking at here?
A message from your godson?
72
00:07:20,657 --> 00:07:23,012
His name's Terry. Now you read that.
73
00:07:23,097 --> 00:07:25,053
''Wishing you a happy birthday.''
74
00:07:25,137 --> 00:07:28,129
-When was this?
-Yesterday. Never mind, just read on.
75
00:07:28,217 --> 00:07:31,289
My God, you never said!
Why on earth didn't you say something?
76
00:07:31,377 --> 00:07:34,847
That's the third year running.
I'm now definitely going to write it in the diary.
77
00:07:34,937 --> 00:07:37,610
So what happened? Did you have a nice day?
What did you do?
78
00:07:37,697 --> 00:07:41,292
Well, you know. Just took things easy.
79
00:07:41,377 --> 00:07:44,528
Sat in the park for a while,
with the smell of the sweet peas,
80
00:07:44,617 --> 00:07:47,734
bit of reading, listened to the seagulls.
81
00:07:47,817 --> 00:07:49,853
Ali, that's so tragic.
82
00:07:49,937 --> 00:07:53,896
Why? Because I wasn't out till 3:30 in the morning
getting legless?
83
00:07:53,977 --> 00:07:56,207
And didn't spend half the night
with my head down the toilet?
84
00:07:56,297 --> 00:07:58,208
Now come on, look at this.
85
00:07:58,297 --> 00:08:01,289
I can't remember if he's just turned 1 2 or 1 3.
86
00:08:01,377 --> 00:08:04,369
But obviously loving his first mobile.
And see what he's put.
87
00:08:04,457 --> 00:08:08,006
''Went for a wamk on the hill today
and thought of you.''
88
00:08:08,097 --> 00:08:11,407
-Wamk?
-W-A-M-K.
89
00:08:13,097 --> 00:08:16,533
-Well, it's a typo obviously.
-Well, you say that.
90
00:08:17,497 --> 00:08:21,126
-''Went for a walk'' it's meant to say.
-I sincerely hope so.
91
00:08:21,217 --> 00:08:23,173
Ali, what else could it be?
92
00:08:25,817 --> 00:08:28,889
-Don't.
-I haven't seen him for two years.
93
00:08:28,977 --> 00:08:32,526
You know what it's like, they hit puberty suddenly,
it's like an explosion.
94
00:08:32,617 --> 00:08:34,687
Spots and hormones.
95
00:08:34,777 --> 00:08:37,007
Wondering now whether to say anything
to his parents.
96
00:08:37,097 --> 00:08:39,213
She was my closest friend at school.
97
00:08:39,297 --> 00:08:42,130
In any case, it's not the worst thing
he could write, is it?
98
00:08:42,217 --> 00:08:45,607
If someone was thinking about me
while they were doing it, I'd be quite flattered.
99
00:08:45,697 --> 00:08:48,131
I'm his godmother, Cleo.
100
00:08:48,257 --> 00:08:51,932
I'm supposed to be responsible
for his moral and religious upbringing.
101
00:08:52,017 --> 00:08:56,807
I mean, if I thought for a minute
he was starting to think of me in that way at 1 3....
102
00:08:59,337 --> 00:09:01,976
-Oh, it's obviously ''walk''.
-Of course it is.
103
00:09:02,057 --> 00:09:04,173
Because he knows how much you like walking.
104
00:09:04,257 --> 00:09:08,933
And talking of doing it, I suppose you've heard
nothing else from, what was his name, Clive?
105
00:09:09,017 --> 00:09:12,168
She's quite convinced now she's scared him off.
106
00:09:12,257 --> 00:09:14,612
I mean, I don't know, do I?
107
00:09:14,697 --> 00:09:18,929
He was nice enough in his way, but
I just wonder if that's enough for me in a man.
108
00:09:19,017 --> 00:09:21,212
That he can take five toes in his mouth.
109
00:09:22,017 --> 00:09:23,848
I suppose he was quite dishy.
110
00:09:23,937 --> 00:09:26,531
And you spent the night together.
Must have seen some potential.
111
00:09:26,617 --> 00:09:30,656
Well, if he was still interested,
he'd have rung by now, wouldn't he? So....
112
00:09:30,737 --> 00:09:33,410
Yeah, and what if he's sitting at home
thinking the same thing?
113
00:09:33,497 --> 00:09:35,727
No one's going to ring anyone.
114
00:09:35,817 --> 00:09:39,093
-Let me give him a call. What was his number?
-Will you put that down?
115
00:09:39,177 --> 00:09:43,728
Look, isn't it time you were out spraying?
Jacquot Pour Homme?
116
00:09:43,817 --> 00:09:46,968
And try and forget the association
with diabetes mellitus
117
00:09:47,057 --> 00:09:49,696
and just concentrate on those targets.
118
00:09:50,617 --> 00:09:52,767
I might do it when you're not looking.
119
00:09:52,857 --> 00:09:54,768
Diabetes mellitus?
120
00:09:54,857 --> 00:09:58,611
Yeah, apparently it's one of the signs
when you pass out too much sugar in your urine.
121
00:09:58,697 --> 00:10:01,848
It gives it a kind of sickly sweet citrus smell.
122
00:10:02,457 --> 00:10:05,893
God, isn't that funny
how quickly you can go off something?
123
00:10:08,017 --> 00:10:10,372
-Excuse me.
-Yes, how can I help?
124
00:10:10,497 --> 00:10:15,207
Someone bought this eau de toilette
for my husband, but it's not really one he uses.
125
00:10:15,297 --> 00:10:17,333
I was wondering if I could have a refund.
126
00:10:17,417 --> 00:10:19,487
Yes, do you have the receipt at all?
127
00:10:19,577 --> 00:10:23,092
-Well, obviously not. It was a present.
-Right.
128
00:10:23,177 --> 00:10:28,012
I'm afraid we can't refund
without proof of purchase, is the problem.
129
00:10:28,097 --> 00:10:32,534
It may not even have been bought here.
And I notice the seal has been broken.
130
00:10:33,337 --> 00:10:37,967
I've never had any trouble here in the past.
I thought this store had a no quibble policy.
131
00:10:38,337 --> 00:10:40,726
Who is in charge of this counter?
132
00:10:41,057 --> 00:10:42,888
I'm afraid I am.
133
00:10:43,377 --> 00:10:48,451
I'll tell you what I'll do, I can let you have
another product or products to the same value.
134
00:10:48,577 --> 00:10:53,412
In fact, we've just got a new fragrance
in from Paris he might be interested in.
135
00:10:53,697 --> 00:10:55,289
It's quite bold.
136
00:10:55,937 --> 00:10:58,531
With a suggestion of oranges.
137
00:11:02,257 --> 00:11:05,408
Here he is, the thief of bad gags, Gil Raymond.
How the devil are you?
138
00:11:05,497 --> 00:11:08,057
Yes, still ticking over. How about you?
139
00:11:08,137 --> 00:11:10,731
Got quite a little empire going here now
by the looks of things.
140
00:11:10,817 --> 00:11:13,729
Brian, stop by
when you've got a moment. We need to talk.
141
00:11:13,817 --> 00:11:16,092
Sorry to keep you,
it's been one of those mornings.
142
00:11:16,177 --> 00:11:20,216
I've just taken on this new PA
as part of our disability quota.
143
00:11:20,297 --> 00:11:23,687
Narcoleptic, but a canny little worker
when she's awake.
144
00:11:23,777 --> 00:11:27,452
You got your travel sickness pills?
We're on the 1 3th floor.
145
00:11:30,617 --> 00:11:32,528
Thirteenth floor.
146
00:11:32,617 --> 00:11:34,494
So, how far did you get with Gina?
147
00:11:34,977 --> 00:11:36,376
In what way?
148
00:11:38,697 --> 00:11:41,655
You know she's taken six months off
to try and get pregnant.
149
00:11:41,737 --> 00:11:45,127
You're kidding! All my agent said was the project
had been passed to you.
150
00:11:45,217 --> 00:11:49,415
Right. Of course, she's happily shacked up
with this make-up girl as she probably told you.
151
00:11:49,497 --> 00:11:51,647
Make-up girl? No, she never said a word.
152
00:11:51,737 --> 00:11:55,093
The two of them are desperate to have kids
so apparently they decided
153
00:11:55,177 --> 00:11:59,170
if she could find some guy who was happy
to keep banging her till they got a result,
154
00:11:59,257 --> 00:12:02,090
no strings attached, she'd put some time aside.
155
00:12:02,177 --> 00:12:04,816
I think she said
he was some kind of street performer.
156
00:12:04,897 --> 00:12:08,936
You're not serious?
I mean, you know, we only met a couple of times.
157
00:12:09,017 --> 00:12:10,735
There was no suggestion, but....
158
00:12:10,817 --> 00:12:13,934
Yeah, well, Gina, I tell you.
That's between a rock and a hard place.
159
00:12:14,017 --> 00:12:17,327
And many men have been lured to their death.
So just be glad you weren't tempted.
160
00:12:17,417 --> 00:12:19,169
Yeah, right.
161
00:12:21,297 --> 00:12:24,892
So, yeah. There you go.
162
00:12:25,937 --> 00:12:28,849
It's tragic, really. Someone of her age, but....
163
00:12:29,217 --> 00:12:30,889
Sit yourself down.
164
00:12:32,337 --> 00:12:35,090
So how often does this....
165
00:12:35,177 --> 00:12:37,327
Two or three times a day? On average.
166
00:12:38,457 --> 00:12:42,336
Yeah, she'll just be taking some dictation,
whatever, and suddenly....
167
00:12:43,377 --> 00:12:45,129
Interesting background actually.
168
00:12:45,217 --> 00:12:49,813
Her parents are very strict Catholics,
which I always think, you know....
169
00:12:51,017 --> 00:12:52,735
Well, you know the old gag?
170
00:12:52,817 --> 00:12:56,014
Only two things are certain in life,
death and nurses.
171
00:12:56,097 --> 00:12:59,294
-With apologies to old...what's his face?
-Benjamin Franklin.
172
00:12:59,377 --> 00:13:03,689
I would expand that to death, nurses
and girls who went to convent school.
173
00:13:03,777 --> 00:13:07,008
'Cause, I mean, all those years of
repressed sexuality
174
00:13:07,097 --> 00:13:09,850
it's got to be like a time bomb.
175
00:13:10,857 --> 00:13:14,372
-Yes, can we....
-Yes! Sorry, Love Soup.
176
00:13:14,457 --> 00:13:17,972
-You've had some thoughts?
-Well, a concept at least.
177
00:13:18,057 --> 00:13:21,333
Basically, it would all be set
in the not too distant future.
178
00:13:21,417 --> 00:13:24,693
Democracy and the whole judicial system
have burnt out,
179
00:13:24,777 --> 00:13:26,893
and surrendering to the inevitable,
180
00:13:26,977 --> 00:13:29,571
the country's now governed
by tabloid newspapers.
181
00:13:29,657 --> 00:13:33,366
-Okay.
-And our story concerns two teenagers.
182
00:13:33,457 --> 00:13:36,733
Very much in love, respectable middle-class kids.
183
00:13:36,817 --> 00:13:39,934
He's 1 7, but she's still only 1 5
184
00:13:40,017 --> 00:13:44,488
and the two of them, obviously,
are consumed with adolescent lust for each other.
185
00:13:44,577 --> 00:13:46,454
But as law-abiding citizens,
186
00:13:46,537 --> 00:13:50,450
realise they can't consummate their passion
until she's reached the age of consent.
187
00:13:51,257 --> 00:13:54,966
So they're in a friend's house
on the eve of her 1 6th birthday,
188
00:13:55,057 --> 00:13:57,173
waiting for the stroke of midnight,
189
00:13:57,297 --> 00:14:00,448
when all their carnal desires will become legal.
190
00:14:04,977 --> 00:14:08,208
Half an hour later they surface and to their horror
191
00:14:08,297 --> 00:14:12,336
realise it's the last Saturday in October,
the night the clocks go back.
192
00:14:12,417 --> 00:14:14,328
And it's still only 1 1.:35
193
00:14:14,417 --> 00:14:18,569
which means the young man has just committed
a most depraved and perverted act.
194
00:14:19,857 --> 00:14:23,850
He immediately gives himself up,
throwing himself on the mercy of the authorities.
195
00:14:23,937 --> 00:14:28,374
But they are bound by their code of conduct
to exact the maximum penalty.
196
00:14:43,657 --> 00:14:46,774
I mean, you know,
that's about as far as I've blocked it, but....
197
00:14:46,857 --> 00:14:51,055
Controversial.
But no, that's nice, let's mix it up a bit.
198
00:14:51,137 --> 00:14:55,289
I don't say it'll be a shoo-in with the network,
so, you know, don't make it too....
199
00:14:55,377 --> 00:14:57,766
Didactic? I know. That's the risk, of course, but....
200
00:14:59,417 --> 00:15:01,214
Oh, can I take this?
201
00:15:02,617 --> 00:15:03,811
Hello?
202
00:15:04,857 --> 00:15:09,692
Oh, Irene?
Actually I'm in a meeting at the moment, but....
203
00:15:12,017 --> 00:15:13,006
Uh-huh.
204
00:15:14,657 --> 00:15:17,649
No. I'll be in then.
205
00:15:18,257 --> 00:15:20,407
Okay. Right. Yeah, bye.
206
00:15:21,897 --> 00:15:22,966
Irene?
207
00:15:24,257 --> 00:15:27,693
My next door neighbour. Yesterday morning....
208
00:15:28,177 --> 00:15:30,532
Can you believe this? I'm in my office,
209
00:15:30,617 --> 00:15:34,166
she's right there opposite
in the bathroom window completely naked.
210
00:15:34,577 --> 00:15:36,772
I mean, frosted glass, but....
211
00:15:37,337 --> 00:15:40,374
And I'm standing there gazing out like a moron.
212
00:15:40,457 --> 00:15:43,210
Suddenly she looks across and gives me the wave.
213
00:15:43,897 --> 00:15:46,331
I felt like such a creep. So....
214
00:15:46,417 --> 00:15:50,729
And now she wants to pop around this evening.
Said she'd like to have a quiet word with me.
215
00:15:50,817 --> 00:15:53,854
What do you mean, gave you a wave?
It sounds as if she was being friendly.
216
00:15:53,937 --> 00:15:55,256
She had no clothes on!
217
00:15:55,337 --> 00:15:58,488
You see, this is where life
always passes you by, Gil.
218
00:15:58,577 --> 00:16:01,330
You never see the opportunities.
You hang around too long
219
00:16:01,417 --> 00:16:04,853
trying to second-guess people's motives.
You can talk yourself out of anything.
220
00:16:04,937 --> 00:16:06,928
Well, this time, Lloyd, I don't think so.
221
00:16:07,017 --> 00:16:10,248
This was like, ''Hey, there!
Getting a nice look at the goods?''
222
00:16:10,337 --> 00:16:12,897
I tell you, my luck, she'll probably file a complaint.
223
00:16:12,977 --> 00:16:15,855
It'll be me that's named and shamed
in the papers.
224
00:16:19,217 --> 00:16:20,491
Ooh!
225
00:16:20,577 --> 00:16:21,646
Gosh!
226
00:16:21,737 --> 00:16:25,776
-Er, sorry.
-That's okay, sweetheart, you relax.
227
00:16:25,857 --> 00:16:27,575
Don't worry about it.
228
00:16:27,657 --> 00:16:28,976
This is Gil Raymond.
229
00:16:29,057 --> 00:16:32,447
One of our finest living comedy writers.
Gill, Natalie Brown.
230
00:16:33,177 --> 00:16:35,486
-Hi.
-How do you do?
231
00:16:37,057 --> 00:16:38,376
Erm....
232
00:16:38,457 --> 00:16:41,813
Sorry. Do you mind if I just....
233
00:16:43,897 --> 00:16:45,091
Two minutes.
234
00:16:51,017 --> 00:16:52,166
Oh!
235
00:16:52,257 --> 00:16:54,009
The complete first series of Friends!
236
00:16:54,097 --> 00:16:56,736
When did you sneak out and get this,
you little rascals?
237
00:16:56,817 --> 00:16:58,808
I remember you said you'd never seen it.
238
00:16:58,897 --> 00:17:03,732
Yes! Well, I actually said I never watch it,
which is almost the same thing.
239
00:17:03,817 --> 00:17:06,854
-But, no, thank you.
-Happy birthday to Alice!
240
00:17:06,937 --> 00:17:08,814
Slightly belated.
241
00:17:09,817 --> 00:17:11,136
Thank you.
242
00:17:11,217 --> 00:17:14,892
So, come on then, what on earth's happening
with you and this Clive bloke?
243
00:17:15,017 --> 00:17:17,326
Sounds to me as if
you haven't even given it a chance.
244
00:17:17,417 --> 00:17:19,647
I'm not even sure how I feel about him.
245
00:17:19,737 --> 00:17:23,093
On the plus side, obviously,
he's very sweet, good-looking,
246
00:17:23,177 --> 00:17:24,656
terribly charming.
247
00:17:24,737 --> 00:17:26,534
And the minus side?
248
00:17:26,617 --> 00:17:28,972
He's very sweet, good-looking
and terribly charming.
249
00:17:29,057 --> 00:17:33,767
I mean, that does seem to be it.
You know, the length and breadth of him sadly.
250
00:17:34,417 --> 00:17:37,773
Deep down I've just got this feeling
he may be a bit of a bimbo.
251
00:17:38,417 --> 00:17:40,647
That's what I thought about Greg to begin with.
252
00:17:40,737 --> 00:17:44,013
Then you get to know him
and there's actually quite a lot going on up there.
253
00:17:44,097 --> 00:17:47,214
And I tell you this much,
he's very creative in the bedroom.
254
00:17:47,297 --> 00:17:50,016
What? Maximising wardrobe space,
that kind of thing?
255
00:17:50,097 --> 00:17:52,531
They do it to Elvis records.
256
00:17:52,617 --> 00:17:53,891
Say again?
257
00:17:53,977 --> 00:17:57,128
Fifties Revival, Ali.
It's now the key to our love life.
258
00:17:57,217 --> 00:18:02,052
It's like, he makes up these special collections
with different numbers on a CD.
259
00:18:02,137 --> 00:18:06,050
So we'll start off to a nice slow ballad,
like Love Me Tender
260
00:18:06,137 --> 00:18:08,253
and then, as the numbers get a bit funkier,
261
00:18:08,337 --> 00:18:11,374
-gradually up the tempo until....
-Rock 'n' roll.
262
00:18:13,577 --> 00:18:15,852
It's not all plain sailing, of course.
263
00:18:15,937 --> 00:18:18,929
He's been having a right go at me this week,
about my shoes.
264
00:18:19,017 --> 00:18:21,577
But you know,
any relationship, you have to work at it.
265
00:18:21,657 --> 00:18:23,568
'Cause how many pairs have you got now?
266
00:18:23,657 --> 00:18:26,046
Well, he says 86 is too many for anyone.
267
00:18:26,137 --> 00:18:29,493
It's like living with a centipede
and that I should give some to charity.
268
00:18:29,577 --> 00:18:31,727
I said, ''Let me have a think about that.''
269
00:18:31,817 --> 00:18:35,207
I'll have a word with my oracle first
and see what she has to say on the subject.
270
00:18:35,297 --> 00:18:37,367
-Sorry, your what?
-My oracle?
271
00:18:37,457 --> 00:18:40,972
She's got this little centre where you go
for a consultation in the Finchley Road.
272
00:18:41,057 --> 00:18:43,412
What, you mean like a fortune-teller?
273
00:18:43,497 --> 00:18:46,057
-Sort of.
-With tea leaves and....
274
00:18:47,097 --> 00:18:49,167
It's a bit more sophisticated than that.
275
00:18:49,257 --> 00:18:51,725
No, she mostly uses tarot cards.
276
00:18:51,817 --> 00:18:55,287
And what they call phrenology,
which is where they feel the bumps on your head.
277
00:18:55,377 --> 00:18:59,689
Only, because I've got an abscess there
at the moment it could give a false reading so....
278
00:18:59,777 --> 00:19:03,406
Or sometimes she goes into, like, a trance,
and talks backwards.
279
00:19:03,497 --> 00:19:07,695
I think I've heard of her.
Isn't she some kind of adviser to the Treasury?
280
00:19:08,137 --> 00:19:12,972
The thing is, Gil, I don't know why
I find this so difficult to say but...
281
00:19:13,057 --> 00:19:14,570
yesterday morning....
282
00:19:14,657 --> 00:19:19,890
Maybe it's best if I say and just start with
a great, big, grovelling apology, you know.
283
00:19:19,977 --> 00:19:24,448
I mean, for looking, Irene, not leering.
284
00:19:24,537 --> 00:19:27,495
I swear to God, you know, 'cause....
285
00:19:27,577 --> 00:19:30,091
I'm sorry, Gil, you've completely lost me.
286
00:19:30,737 --> 00:19:33,888
In the bathroom yesterday?
287
00:19:34,257 --> 00:19:36,088
First thing, by the window?
288
00:19:36,177 --> 00:19:38,452
Of course, with the rippled glass and everything
289
00:19:38,537 --> 00:19:42,610
obviously we're talking about contour here only,
definitely no detail.
290
00:19:42,697 --> 00:19:44,847
But you could see that I was....
291
00:19:46,177 --> 00:19:49,692
'Cause I think you had some net curtains
up there before, if I'm right.
292
00:19:49,777 --> 00:19:52,689
Yes. I thought they needed a wash.
293
00:19:54,657 --> 00:19:57,296
Anyway, that wasn't what I came to see you about.
294
00:19:57,377 --> 00:19:59,686
I was just going to say that...
295
00:20:01,617 --> 00:20:05,166
yesterday morning,
I happened to run into an old friend of mine
296
00:20:05,257 --> 00:20:07,327
I haven't seen for ages and....
297
00:20:07,417 --> 00:20:09,214
Well, to cut a long story short
298
00:20:09,297 --> 00:20:12,607
we decided to have a bit of a dinner party
tomorrow night and....
299
00:20:12,697 --> 00:20:15,655
I mean, for goodness sake,
I can't think why you'd want to join us
300
00:20:15,737 --> 00:20:20,333
but it'll be the first time since Bob left
that I've been involved in any kind of social....
301
00:20:20,457 --> 00:20:21,936
-Intercourse?
-Activity.
302
00:20:22,017 --> 00:20:25,976
And you know what it's like when you're there
with everyone else, without a partner.
303
00:20:26,057 --> 00:20:30,414
Anyway, you'd be very welcome.
And I know they'd all love to meet you,
304
00:20:30,497 --> 00:20:34,854
-but you've probably got something else on so....
-Well...actually....
305
00:20:34,937 --> 00:20:38,134
And if you hadn't,
I wouldn't blame you for inventing something.
306
00:20:38,937 --> 00:20:42,373
Tomorrow night? I'll look forward to it.
307
00:20:42,457 --> 00:20:45,529
MILLY: So you reckon I should go and see
this oracle about Brian?
308
00:20:45,617 --> 00:20:47,972
CLEO: Definitely, babe. If it's still worrying you.
309
00:20:48,057 --> 00:20:52,414
-Brian. What's he been up to?
-She thinks he might trying to pull her mum.
310
00:20:52,497 --> 00:20:56,126
God, it's always something with you two.
Based on what?
311
00:20:56,217 --> 00:20:59,015
Based on every time we go round
to see my parents,
312
00:20:59,097 --> 00:21:01,406
whereabouts does he always kiss her?
313
00:21:01,497 --> 00:21:03,886
-On the mouth.
-So?
314
00:21:09,377 --> 00:21:12,335
''Dear Harriet. I've noticed that when
my husband greets other women
315
00:21:12,417 --> 00:21:14,772
''he always kisses them on the lips
rather than the cheeks.
316
00:21:14,857 --> 00:21:16,973
''Is this something I should be worried about?''
317
00:21:17,057 --> 00:21:21,050
Harriet writes, ''This is certainly not normal.
318
00:21:21,137 --> 00:21:23,526
''Mouth-to-mouth contact
invariably signals sexual desire
319
00:21:23,617 --> 00:21:25,926
''and should be practised only with your partner.
320
00:21:26,017 --> 00:21:29,168
''By the sound of things it might well be time
to question your husband's motives.''
321
00:21:29,257 --> 00:21:30,576
Please.
322
00:21:30,657 --> 00:21:34,047
She's 4 7, Ali. She's old enough to be his mother!
323
00:21:34,137 --> 00:21:35,775
Well, she's your mother.
324
00:21:35,857 --> 00:21:37,529
Exactly!
325
00:21:37,617 --> 00:21:39,608
I never thought anything of it before.
326
00:21:39,697 --> 00:21:42,291
I just thought he was being friendly
till I read this.
327
00:21:42,377 --> 00:21:45,687
Some people kiss on the mouth
and some on the cheeks, what does it matter?
328
00:21:45,777 --> 00:21:50,055
It doesn't automatically mean he wants to rip
your mum's clothes off and pin her to the floor.
329
00:21:50,137 --> 00:21:53,209
Oh, don't! I can't even imagine my dad doing that.
330
00:21:53,297 --> 00:21:56,812
-It's of no significance whatsoever.
-Well, why does she say it, then?
331
00:21:56,897 --> 00:22:01,812
Because she's an idiot. How dare she sit there
Judging people she hasn't even met?
332
00:22:01,897 --> 00:22:05,128
Look at her.
Grinning at the camera with her chin in her hand.
333
00:22:05,217 --> 00:22:09,574
Any woman, I'm sorry, who poses for a photo
with her chin in her hand is a phoney.
334
00:22:09,657 --> 00:22:12,455
Do you reckon? I'm just being stupid?
335
00:22:12,577 --> 00:22:17,128
Come on, you're not going to find the most
sensible advice, are you, on a page like this?
336
00:22:17,217 --> 00:22:20,175
-What's your horoscope say?
-Oh, that's a point.
337
00:22:20,257 --> 00:22:24,967
Horoscopes, oracles, agony aunts.
Going to have to leave you to it, I think,
338
00:22:25,057 --> 00:22:26,968
if I want to get back tonight.
339
00:22:27,057 --> 00:22:29,491
God knows what I'll do tomorrow
with this rail strike.
340
00:22:29,577 --> 00:22:31,613
What time does it start? 1 :00?
341
00:22:31,697 --> 00:22:33,767
I suppose there's always
the dreaded coach service.
342
00:22:33,857 --> 00:22:37,213
Well, why don't you stay in town, Ali?
For once in your life.
343
00:22:37,297 --> 00:22:39,174
I can always put you up.
344
00:22:39,257 --> 00:22:40,815
Oh, well.
345
00:22:42,457 --> 00:22:46,166
-Actually, would you mind?
-No, no problem. Just bring a toothbrush.
346
00:22:46,257 --> 00:22:47,451
Okay.
347
00:22:47,537 --> 00:22:51,246
Well, see you all, folks, then. And thank you.
348
00:22:51,337 --> 00:22:53,646
Oh, don't forget your Friends!
349
00:22:53,737 --> 00:22:55,614
Whoops-a-daisy!
350
00:22:55,697 --> 00:22:58,165
-Okay, then, bye.
-Bye.
351
00:23:00,017 --> 00:23:01,928
What you thinking?
352
00:23:02,017 --> 00:23:04,736
Thinking what she needs is a damn good....
353
00:23:04,817 --> 00:23:06,569
-Nudge?
-Definitely.
354
00:23:10,137 --> 00:23:13,686
Well, why don't you ask her
as I seem to be second choice at the moment?
355
00:23:13,777 --> 00:23:15,210
No, I can't!
356
00:23:15,297 --> 00:23:18,528
Anyway I'm back at work now so.... Well, tough!
357
00:23:19,777 --> 00:23:21,813
Oh, don't tell me.
358
00:23:21,897 --> 00:23:23,774
He's been kissing your mother
on the mouth again?
359
00:23:23,857 --> 00:23:26,815
-You said that didn't mean anything.
-No, absolutely not.
360
00:23:26,897 --> 00:23:28,569
So what's this about, then?
361
00:23:28,657 --> 00:23:31,615
You'll just think I'm being totally moronic,
as usual.
362
00:23:31,697 --> 00:23:34,689
Don't be silly. What's happened?
363
00:23:34,777 --> 00:23:36,893
You know I said he's just got this BMW?
364
00:23:36,977 --> 00:23:40,731
Second-hand but it's got this navigation thing
where you programme in
365
00:23:40,817 --> 00:23:43,377
where you want to go
and this woman's voice comes on
366
00:23:43,457 --> 00:23:47,006
giving all the directions,
where to turn right, or whatever.
367
00:23:47,977 --> 00:23:51,652
Well, why did they have to make her so posh
for a start?
368
00:23:51,737 --> 00:23:55,889
'Cause you know what guys are like
with that Joanna Lumley type. All deep and husky.
369
00:23:56,377 --> 00:24:00,086
Or they could easily have made it a man's voice.
Instead of which...
370
00:24:01,097 --> 00:24:04,692
making me seem like
a right old bit of tat by comparison.
371
00:24:07,297 --> 00:24:09,492
You see? I knew you wouldn't understand.
372
00:24:10,817 --> 00:24:11,806
Hello!
373
00:24:13,257 --> 00:24:15,009
I'm sorry. Who's calling?
374
00:24:15,337 --> 00:24:16,531
Erm....
375
00:24:16,617 --> 00:24:19,814
-Excuse me.
-I know, I know! Sorry.
376
00:24:19,897 --> 00:24:21,853
I had to get this asparagus for Greg's tea
377
00:24:21,937 --> 00:24:24,007
and there was a queue a mile long
in Marks & Spencer.
378
00:24:24,097 --> 00:24:27,567
Well, you should give yourself more time
in the first place. You didn't go out....
379
00:24:28,617 --> 00:24:29,891
Pardon?
380
00:24:30,017 --> 00:24:33,976
He'll probably be watching me down in the office.
On the security cameras.
381
00:24:37,057 --> 00:24:41,130
Someone called Larry for you.
Voice seems very faint, I can't make it out.
382
00:24:41,497 --> 00:24:43,408
Larry Shytus?
383
00:24:44,017 --> 00:24:45,973
I don't know anyone called Larry.
384
00:24:46,057 --> 00:24:47,206
Oh.
385
00:24:47,297 --> 00:24:48,616
Oh. Ah....
386
00:24:48,697 --> 00:24:51,370
Now, don't freak out or anything
387
00:24:51,457 --> 00:24:53,891
but I took the liberty of ringing him up for you.
388
00:24:53,977 --> 00:24:55,171
Clive.
389
00:24:55,257 --> 00:24:58,852
I said you were quite keen to see him again,
but were a bit nervous about getting in touch.
390
00:24:58,937 --> 00:25:00,211
You what?
391
00:25:00,297 --> 00:25:04,688
And he said he would have called
but he's got this very bad laryngitis, okay?
392
00:25:04,817 --> 00:25:06,694
But he did want to meet up again
393
00:25:06,777 --> 00:25:09,655
so I said how would tonight be
as you were staying in town anyway.
394
00:25:09,737 --> 00:25:11,056
Cleo!
395
00:25:11,137 --> 00:25:15,289
You are completely and totally out of order!
How could you.... He said that?
396
00:25:16,017 --> 00:25:18,326
-He wanted to meet up?
-Oh, God.
397
00:25:18,417 --> 00:25:22,126
You know what it said in your stars?
For those with a birthday this week?
398
00:25:22,217 --> 00:25:25,254
Your celestial bodies are uniquely aligned.
399
00:25:25,337 --> 00:25:27,726
That means this could be
the one moment in your life
400
00:25:27,817 --> 00:25:32,095
that'll never come round again
when you get to meet your perfect partner.
401
00:25:32,177 --> 00:25:33,895
You've got to go for it.
402
00:25:42,337 --> 00:25:43,531
Hello? Clive?
403
00:25:46,697 --> 00:25:50,372
-WOMAN: Oh, God! Slime.
-Excuse me while I puke.
404
00:25:50,457 --> 00:25:53,449
-I mean, I'm sorry, so sordid.
-The lies and deception.
405
00:25:53,537 --> 00:25:56,529
I mean, if it hadn't been for Gil,
who happened to make that comment
406
00:25:56,617 --> 00:25:59,689
that caught him out,
he'd probably still be at it behind my back.
407
00:25:59,777 --> 00:26:02,450
Three times a week? God, it turns your stomach.
408
00:26:02,537 --> 00:26:05,335
I don't know if it's worse when they pay for it
or when they do it for love?
409
00:26:05,417 --> 00:26:08,773
-He's paid for it now, the little shit.
-Well, he certainly has.
410
00:26:08,857 --> 00:26:12,611
Er, you know, I'm wondering if you ladies
would be happier if I just....
411
00:26:12,697 --> 00:26:16,212
Oh, God, Gil, I'm sorry!
We must seem like a real bunch of men-haters.
412
00:26:16,297 --> 00:26:20,051
It's just that with all of us now
coming from broken marriages....
413
00:26:20,137 --> 00:26:23,129
I don't think we've ever actually compared notes
to this extent, have we?
414
00:26:23,217 --> 00:26:24,855
Welcome to The Witches of Eastwick!
415
00:26:24,937 --> 00:26:28,293
-Are we making you feel uncomfortable?
-He's a big boy. Stop worrying.
416
00:26:28,377 --> 00:26:32,689
No, we should talk about something else.
I think, don't you, Sally? Change the subject.
417
00:26:32,777 --> 00:26:35,245
Otherwise it's not fair on the poor young man.
418
00:26:35,337 --> 00:26:38,135
-Oh, no.
-Very true. Where are our manners?
419
00:26:41,457 --> 00:26:44,494
Like it wasn't fair when I came home early
that day with a migraine
420
00:26:44,577 --> 00:26:46,727
and found it there, on the floor of the lounge.
421
00:26:46,817 --> 00:26:49,251
This monstrosity of naked, throbbing flesh.
422
00:26:49,337 --> 00:26:51,805
I couldn't tell where one of them finished
and the other one started.
423
00:26:51,897 --> 00:26:55,287
Like in some of those gruesome figure studies
by Francis Bacon.
424
00:26:55,377 --> 00:26:57,129
Twenty-seven! Can you believe?
425
00:26:57,217 --> 00:26:59,094
He was only six years away from his bus pass.
426
00:26:59,177 --> 00:27:02,647
I mean, the contempt they show
for your feelings is just beyond belief.
427
00:27:11,657 --> 00:27:13,932
And as for the lovely Ronald...
428
00:27:14,897 --> 00:27:17,331
did he ever understand
what I was going through at the time?
429
00:27:17,417 --> 00:27:19,647
Trying to keep my own business afloat,
virtually single-handed,
430
00:27:19,737 --> 00:27:22,774
while he was out playing golf
with his buddies from Cambridge.
431
00:27:22,857 --> 00:27:25,894
He had no idea what was going on in my head.
432
00:27:25,977 --> 00:27:30,334
The pressures I was under,
the stew of hormones I had to contend with.
433
00:27:30,817 --> 00:27:35,288
Well, of course, the arguments got worse
and worse. Inevitably, I ended up beating him.
434
00:27:35,377 --> 00:27:37,015
Black and blue.
435
00:27:37,097 --> 00:27:40,612
It was a cry for help.
I was hitting the bottle every night,
436
00:27:40,737 --> 00:27:44,696
screwing other men, he turned me into a monster!
437
00:27:44,777 --> 00:27:49,646
I mean, you just wonder how we all put up with
this kind of treatment for so long.
438
00:27:52,617 --> 00:27:54,369
I'll just go and see to the pasta.
439
00:28:36,097 --> 00:28:37,576
Hi, Clive.
440
00:28:42,337 --> 00:28:44,328
That went a bit skew-wiff.
441
00:28:44,817 --> 00:28:47,411
Been so much debate this week on the counter...
442
00:28:48,457 --> 00:28:51,733
about lip kissing and face kissing,
and what it all means.
443
00:28:52,737 --> 00:28:55,615
-Thank you.
444
00:28:56,457 --> 00:28:59,017
Oh, dear, not much improvement, then?
445
00:29:02,897 --> 00:29:04,330
Erm....
446
00:29:16,297 --> 00:29:18,208
Not brilliant, but....
447
00:29:19,137 --> 00:29:21,253
-Here's the menu.
-Thank you.
448
00:29:40,897 --> 00:29:43,411
Oh, God! No, no. I'm sorry.
449
00:29:44,057 --> 00:29:47,572
Anyway, you couldn't really, could you?
So, I mean....
450
00:29:52,297 --> 00:29:53,525
Ah!
451
00:29:54,897 --> 00:29:56,888
And I did. Very much.
452
00:29:58,377 --> 00:30:01,767
The only reason, I suppose,
I haven't been in touch was because....
453
00:30:03,097 --> 00:30:05,292
I don't know, I'm terrible like that.
454
00:30:05,377 --> 00:30:08,050
You know, if you don't hear from someone,
you just...
455
00:30:08,137 --> 00:30:10,526
automatically assume, I mean, I always do...
456
00:30:11,217 --> 00:30:14,209
that I'm a complete dead loss.
457
00:30:23,617 --> 00:30:24,811
Oh!
458
00:30:25,417 --> 00:30:27,692
Well, that's very sweet of you.
459
00:30:59,417 --> 00:31:02,648
Well...I wouldn't say that.
460
00:31:42,697 --> 00:31:45,894
GIL: You see,
you should never have come here tonight.
461
00:31:46,897 --> 00:31:49,775
Why do you let people talk you into these things?
462
00:31:50,657 --> 00:31:53,217
If you could only be strong enough to just...
463
00:31:53,297 --> 00:31:56,255
make up your own mind now and again.
464
00:31:56,937 --> 00:31:59,815
No, I'll stand corrected if I'm wrong...
465
00:31:59,897 --> 00:32:03,207
I just thought I detected
a little something back there, that's all.
466
00:32:03,537 --> 00:32:06,370
-A little frisson?
-Come on, Sally! You're imagining it.
467
00:32:06,457 --> 00:32:09,130
No, I mean, a wife assaulting her husband?
468
00:32:09,217 --> 00:32:13,210
Be just the sort of thing, wouldn't it,
that would go into one of your scripts?
469
00:32:13,297 --> 00:32:15,731
Good bit of comic mileage there, I imagine.
470
00:32:15,817 --> 00:32:17,330
Personally, I....
471
00:32:18,017 --> 00:32:21,726
You know, domestic violence, I think,
is a very sensitive issue,
472
00:32:21,817 --> 00:32:25,014
in whatever form,
so therefore not generally very funny.
473
00:32:25,097 --> 00:32:28,009
-Hear, hear!
-SALLY: Well, I'm glad we're agreed on that.
474
00:32:28,097 --> 00:32:30,816
Because the number of times these days
you see serious issues
475
00:32:30,897 --> 00:32:32,933
reduced to knockabout farce on the box.
476
00:32:33,017 --> 00:32:35,372
What happened to a little wit, for God's sake?
477
00:32:35,457 --> 00:32:37,971
Some of those sitcoms they put out nowadays,
478
00:32:38,057 --> 00:32:40,446
you wonder if standards can sink any lower.
479
00:32:40,537 --> 00:32:42,175
Well, that's certainly true.
480
00:32:42,257 --> 00:32:46,011
What was that one where a woman
kept talking about her pussy all the while?
481
00:32:46,097 --> 00:32:48,167
Did you have anything to do with that?
482
00:32:48,257 --> 00:32:50,851
I can say with enormous pride that I didn't, no.
483
00:32:50,937 --> 00:32:52,973
You see, that I found quite funny.
484
00:32:53,057 --> 00:32:56,970
Well, it had an innocence to it, for a start,
that I think everyone could relate to.
485
00:32:57,057 --> 00:32:59,855
Sort of commedia dell'arte via Donald McGill.
486
00:32:59,977 --> 00:33:03,174
Yes, I actually heard an American say once
what they liked about the show was that
487
00:33:03,257 --> 00:33:05,248
it didn't insult your intelligence.
488
00:33:05,337 --> 00:33:08,135
But, I mean, you put a lot of thought
into what you write.
489
00:33:08,217 --> 00:33:11,175
What was that script
you were telling me all about yesterday?
490
00:33:11,257 --> 00:33:15,296
This man, who is trying to get
a 1 5-year-old girl into bed,
491
00:33:15,377 --> 00:33:17,368
before midnight, was it?
492
00:33:17,457 --> 00:33:21,291
Because she was underage, or after midnight?
Sorry, that was....
493
00:33:21,377 --> 00:33:24,972
Yes, well, there's actually kind of
a broader concept to it beyond that
494
00:33:25,057 --> 00:33:26,854
about the way our lives are governed.
495
00:33:26,937 --> 00:33:29,531
It must be very tempting,
I suppose, for male writers
496
00:33:29,617 --> 00:33:32,290
to put all their private fantasies into their shows.
497
00:33:32,377 --> 00:33:35,847
Anything that secretly turns you on,
you just dress it up as a joke
498
00:33:35,937 --> 00:33:38,610
and the BBC'll go away and make it for you.
499
00:33:38,697 --> 00:33:42,133
Well, yeah,
what a professional perk that would be.
500
00:33:42,217 --> 00:33:44,970
But happily, for all of us,
it doesn't quite work that way.
501
00:33:45,057 --> 00:33:48,970
So many of the producers and commissioning
editors out there now are women....
502
00:33:49,057 --> 00:33:51,617
Come on, Sally, credit him with a bit of integrity.
503
00:33:51,697 --> 00:33:54,336
You make him sound like some kind of voyeur.
504
00:34:55,177 --> 00:34:57,452
Oh, God, Ali.
505
00:34:57,537 --> 00:35:00,847
I don't know what to say. You must feel awful.
506
00:35:01,617 --> 00:35:03,767
Why should I feel awful?
507
00:35:03,857 --> 00:35:07,088
Can someone explain that to me, please,
because it makes no sense.
508
00:35:07,657 --> 00:35:12,014
I'm sitting there looking at him thinking,
''You're right. We have nothing in common.''
509
00:35:12,377 --> 00:35:15,892
So why do I feel as if all my insides
have been scooped out?
510
00:35:15,977 --> 00:35:19,970
Because, I suppose, whichever way you look at it,
you've been dumped.
511
00:35:20,857 --> 00:35:22,256
Thank you.
512
00:35:22,337 --> 00:35:24,692
But in the nicest way. From what you're saying.
513
00:35:24,777 --> 00:35:28,167
But I didn't want it to be nice.
How am I supposed to cope with ''nice''?
514
00:35:28,257 --> 00:35:30,691
In fact, I'll show you how nice he was.
515
00:35:30,777 --> 00:35:32,096
Look.
516
00:35:33,537 --> 00:35:36,768
He asked me if I wanted to keep
the transcripts of his conversation.
517
00:35:36,857 --> 00:35:38,893
As something to remember him by.
518
00:35:39,937 --> 00:35:44,089
He's even signed the last page
with a little smiley face underneath, bless him.
519
00:35:44,177 --> 00:35:45,496
Sod him.
520
00:35:46,297 --> 00:35:47,810
Yeah, sod him.
521
00:35:48,737 --> 00:35:50,967
The thing is, I don't know,
522
00:35:51,057 --> 00:35:55,130
I came out of that restaurant tonight
feeling so sorry for myself and then...
523
00:35:55,217 --> 00:35:59,847
you walk 1 00 yards down the road and you realise
you don't know what real misery is so....
524
00:36:02,817 --> 00:36:05,047
Ready for a bit of shuteye now, I think, Cleo.
525
00:36:05,137 --> 00:36:07,446
Well, the bed's all made up and ready for you.
526
00:36:07,537 --> 00:36:10,688
But there's no rush.
If you want to just sit and talk....
527
00:36:11,377 --> 00:36:14,813
I get the feeling I might be keeping you up.
528
00:36:15,657 --> 00:36:17,693
That's no sweat, Ali.
529
00:36:17,777 --> 00:36:21,656
And don't worry on that score.
We're not going to disturb you, I promise.
530
00:36:21,737 --> 00:36:25,650
Of course, I forgot, yes. With your Elvis numbers.
531
00:36:25,737 --> 00:36:27,136
That's right.
532
00:36:27,217 --> 00:36:31,529
No, 'cause, actually,
Greg's come up with this really nifty little idea.
533
00:36:33,977 --> 00:36:38,175
-That is utterly insane, Cleo.
-Well, of course it is!
534
00:36:38,697 --> 00:36:41,848
But, you know,
we just want you to get a good night's sleep.
535
00:37:03,617 --> 00:37:05,608
You're still in one piece?
536
00:37:05,697 --> 00:37:08,848
-What, the linguine?
537
00:37:08,937 --> 00:37:10,609
No, no, I thought you....
538
00:37:10,697 --> 00:37:13,211
Well, yes, because.... No.
539
00:37:13,817 --> 00:37:16,331
I did rather land you in it tonight, didn't I?
540
00:37:19,817 --> 00:37:21,296
You know...
541
00:37:21,377 --> 00:37:24,050
I think we all got our wires a bit crossed
542
00:37:24,137 --> 00:37:27,812
because right up to the last minute,
I just assumed they'd be bringing partners
543
00:37:27,897 --> 00:37:31,685
and by the time I found out,
obviously having invited you round....
544
00:37:34,617 --> 00:37:37,177
You know, I'm sorry about Sally.
545
00:37:37,257 --> 00:37:38,770
I don't even know her that well.
546
00:37:38,857 --> 00:37:41,371
She's a...character.
547
00:37:41,457 --> 00:37:44,494
God, she went for you, which really wasn't fair.
548
00:37:44,577 --> 00:37:45,976
Well....
549
00:37:48,937 --> 00:37:50,416
Oh, I...
550
00:37:51,297 --> 00:37:52,810
put those curtains back up.
551
00:37:52,897 --> 00:37:54,046
In the....
552
00:37:54,777 --> 00:37:57,291
-No offence or anything.
-Oh, good, good.
553
00:37:58,297 --> 00:38:00,288
Long as I'm forgiven, anyway.
554
00:38:00,377 --> 00:38:02,447
Of course. Hey.
555
00:38:03,897 --> 00:38:05,569
Well...
556
00:38:05,657 --> 00:38:07,648
I'll let you get some sleep.
557
00:38:12,537 --> 00:38:15,449
-Good night.
-Yes. Good night, Irene.
558
00:39:44,657 --> 00:39:45,692
Hello?
559
00:39:45,777 --> 00:39:48,371
WOMAN: Was I a complete cow to you tonight
at Irene's?
560
00:39:48,457 --> 00:39:50,368
Oh, I was, wasn't I?
561
00:39:50,457 --> 00:39:52,334
Er, sorry, who is this?
562
00:39:52,417 --> 00:39:56,205
Which I can't even blame on the wine.
I only had two glasses.
563
00:39:57,497 --> 00:39:58,930
Sally?
564
00:39:59,017 --> 00:40:01,326
Er, no, don't worry about it.
565
00:40:01,417 --> 00:40:04,170
You see, the thing with me, Gil, it's all insecurity.
566
00:40:04,257 --> 00:40:07,294
Because of that awful time I went through.
I told you about it.
567
00:40:07,377 --> 00:40:10,972
I still find it hard to take the blame
for my own stupidity.
568
00:40:11,057 --> 00:40:14,891
And then I get all defensive
and hung-up on gender issues.
569
00:40:14,977 --> 00:40:17,172
End up making phone calls like this.
570
00:40:17,257 --> 00:40:21,170
So, you know, I just wanted to apologise.
571
00:40:21,617 --> 00:40:25,246
-No, listen, it was just....
-I think I owe you lunch.
572
00:40:25,377 --> 00:40:27,891
At the very least. What do you say?
573
00:40:27,977 --> 00:40:30,571
Take away the nasty taste.
574
00:40:30,657 --> 00:40:32,409
Erm....
575
00:40:32,497 --> 00:40:36,285
See? Oh, God, you're going to turn me down,
I can hear it in your voice.
576
00:40:36,377 --> 00:40:38,413
Make me feel dreadful.
577
00:40:38,497 --> 00:40:41,136
Come on, let me cook for you.
How about tomorrow?
578
00:40:41,217 --> 00:40:42,366
Erm....
579
00:40:42,457 --> 00:40:45,369
Tomorrow, I think I'm free.
580
00:40:46,417 --> 00:40:47,850
Why not?
581
00:40:50,857 --> 00:40:54,133
ALICE: How do other people
run their lives so efficiently?
582
00:40:56,297 --> 00:40:58,652
Just doing the things
they know are right for them.
583
00:40:58,737 --> 00:41:02,207
Being able to say no when it matters.
It's such a gift.
584
00:41:05,897 --> 00:41:08,809
Now, hang on, I know this, as well as anything.
585
00:41:09,977 --> 00:41:11,535
I think....
586
00:41:19,377 --> 00:41:22,210
Is it Jailhouse Rock?
587
00:41:25,897 --> 00:41:30,175
I mean, you knew full well that was never
going to go anywhere tonight, you knew.
588
00:41:30,257 --> 00:41:33,249
Or are you just saying that now after the event?
589
00:41:34,897 --> 00:41:38,128
Oh, this is a tricky one, what is that?
590
00:41:39,697 --> 00:41:43,849
This is turning into one of those strange
music rounds on University Challenge.
591
00:41:44,337 --> 00:41:47,090
It's not Return to Sender, we've had that.
592
00:41:51,177 --> 00:41:55,375
Oh, oh! Viva Las Vegas. Got it.
593
00:41:55,457 --> 00:41:56,856
Hooray.
594
00:41:58,977 --> 00:42:01,491
Oh, God, I wish I was at home.
595
00:42:06,377 --> 00:42:08,971
So did you ever find out any more,
I meant to ask you,
596
00:42:09,057 --> 00:42:11,207
about that text message from your godson?
597
00:42:11,297 --> 00:42:16,132
Oh, I think I managed to convince myself
it was all perfectly innocent.
598
00:42:16,777 --> 00:42:19,814
Reminds me,
they're coming round for lunch on Sunday.
599
00:42:19,897 --> 00:42:24,015
-I need to get some food in.
-I'm sorry that other was such a washout.
600
00:42:24,097 --> 00:42:26,611
I hope you got a decent night's sleep in at least.
601
00:42:26,737 --> 00:42:31,765
Yes, I think I managed to nod off
somewhere around Blue Suede Shoes.
602
00:42:33,297 --> 00:42:36,448
Talking of which,
I see what he means about your collection.
603
00:42:36,537 --> 00:42:39,335
Oh, don't. I've made the big decision now.
604
00:42:39,417 --> 00:42:42,056
This weekend half of them
are going to the Oxfam shop.
605
00:42:42,137 --> 00:42:46,210
I said, ''But don't expect me to pick which ones.''
That's like Sophie's Choice.
606
00:42:46,297 --> 00:42:48,367
I don't even want to be there when he does it.
607
00:42:48,457 --> 00:42:51,688
But don't worry, it'll give you
a nice warm glow inside afterwards.
608
00:42:51,777 --> 00:42:53,130
It'd better.
609
00:42:54,937 --> 00:42:59,453
I mean, it's strange sometimes
when you look back on a period in your life.
610
00:42:59,537 --> 00:43:03,496
You can't believe it was you doing all those things,
but there we are.
611
00:43:03,577 --> 00:43:08,093
Bit of detox, a lot of counselling.
I had to work at it.
612
00:43:08,297 --> 00:43:10,731
But then you do, don't you,
if you want to reap the rewards in life?
613
00:43:10,817 --> 00:43:12,170
-Cheers.
-Cheers.
614
00:43:17,377 --> 00:43:21,290
So, what kind of business
were you in exactly when....
615
00:43:21,377 --> 00:43:23,129
I ran a nursing agency.
616
00:43:23,217 --> 00:43:27,369
Well, home care,
support for the elderly, terminally ill.
617
00:43:27,457 --> 00:43:30,608
I worked as a nurse myself for 1 2 years but....
618
00:43:32,217 --> 00:43:36,210
A lot of pressure for very little gain, I'm afraid.
619
00:43:36,297 --> 00:43:39,289
-It got too much for me.
-You were a nurse?
620
00:43:39,377 --> 00:43:43,814
Yes, look deep, it's in there. A spark of humanity.
621
00:43:48,897 --> 00:43:51,616
No, I mean, it's all very well living on your own
622
00:43:51,697 --> 00:43:54,814
on the proceeds
of a generous divorce settlement but...
623
00:43:56,897 --> 00:43:58,455
it's not enough, is it?
624
00:43:59,457 --> 00:44:02,051
-Isn't it?
-Not for me, it isn't.
625
00:44:03,137 --> 00:44:07,449
The days and nights can get very empty
if you're not careful.
626
00:44:08,577 --> 00:44:12,775
The nights especially, if you're at a loose end.
627
00:44:16,217 --> 00:44:20,256
You may think I had an ulterior motive
inviting you here today.
628
00:44:21,617 --> 00:44:23,255
And you'd be right.
629
00:44:31,537 --> 00:44:33,129
What's this?
630
00:44:33,217 --> 00:44:35,572
I've shown it to two of the women
in my Pilates class
631
00:44:35,657 --> 00:44:39,013
and they both think it's hilarious.
But written with wit and intelligence.
632
00:44:39,097 --> 00:44:42,294
Wow. So you've been busy on the laptop?
633
00:44:42,377 --> 00:44:45,687
-For an old witch.
-Used the spell check, obviously.
634
00:44:46,377 --> 00:44:50,529
With your contacts, I thought you might be able
to place it for me with a TV company.
635
00:44:50,657 --> 00:44:55,128
It's basically an Alan Bennett-type treatment
of a single woman facing the menopause.
636
00:44:57,057 --> 00:44:59,525
Final draft. That's impressive.
637
00:44:59,617 --> 00:45:02,450
-Obviously, I don't expect you to read it now.
-No.
638
00:45:02,537 --> 00:45:04,573
You can wait till after we've eaten.
639
00:45:04,657 --> 00:45:08,935
Glass of wine, put your feet up
and I'll await your verdict.
640
00:45:09,697 --> 00:45:11,608
MILLY: I'm not speaking to you anymore.
641
00:45:11,697 --> 00:45:14,575
You know full well why. Just listen to this, Ali..
642
00:45:14,657 --> 00:45:20,129
WOMAN'S SEXY VOICE: At the roundabout
take the first exit. Then continue straight on.
643
00:45:20,217 --> 00:45:22,208
BRIAN: Milly, are you still there?
644
00:45:22,297 --> 00:45:24,447
WOMAN'S VOICE: You are deviating
from the designated route.
645
00:45:24,537 --> 00:45:27,688
-BRIAN: I can hardly hear you.
-If possible do a U-turn.
646
00:45:27,777 --> 00:45:30,166
BRIAN: Milly, what the hell is this all about?
647
00:45:30,257 --> 00:45:33,727
WOMAN'S VOICE: If possible, do a U-turn.
You are deviating....
648
00:45:33,897 --> 00:45:35,808
Oh, God! You see what I'm saying?
649
00:45:35,897 --> 00:45:38,730
You are not telling me he had both hands
on that steering wheel!
650
00:45:38,817 --> 00:45:41,854
Milly, can we just pause for breath here a second?
651
00:45:41,937 --> 00:45:44,770
Two nights ago you were convinced
he was after your mum.
652
00:45:44,857 --> 00:45:48,691
Now he's having unnatural relations
with a satellite navigation system?
653
00:45:49,897 --> 00:45:53,526
-I've got very bad PMT.
-And I sympathise.
654
00:45:53,617 --> 00:45:55,812
But just try and be sensible.
655
00:45:57,017 --> 00:45:59,008
That's never him!
656
00:45:59,097 --> 00:46:01,816
-ALICE: My God, it is as well.
-What?
657
00:46:01,897 --> 00:46:03,615
ALICE: That bloke.
658
00:46:03,697 --> 00:46:06,848
Last night, I'd stake my life on it,
he was sitting in a doorway
659
00:46:06,937 --> 00:46:09,007
pretending to be a homeless person.
660
00:46:09,817 --> 00:46:11,375
I gave him five pounds.
661
00:46:11,737 --> 00:46:14,410
When you say the humour could be a bit stronger,
662
00:46:14,497 --> 00:46:16,886
which lines in particular are we talking about?
663
00:46:18,017 --> 00:46:21,009
Well, it's not a question of lines.
664
00:46:21,097 --> 00:46:24,294
It's not something you can label, you know,
or quantify, it's...
665
00:46:25,297 --> 00:46:26,935
there or it isn't.
666
00:46:27,017 --> 00:46:30,612
Look, I'm the worst person in the world
for judging other people's material.
667
00:46:30,697 --> 00:46:35,407
I have enough trouble with my own,
it's just...you pressed me for an honest reaction.
668
00:46:35,817 --> 00:46:38,411
I think I see what you're saying here.
669
00:46:40,057 --> 00:46:42,696
If Alan Bennett had written it...
670
00:46:42,777 --> 00:46:46,008
basically, it would be from a cosy,
middle-class, male perspective
671
00:46:46,097 --> 00:46:49,726
whereas this is too dangerous,
challenging and feminist for you.
672
00:46:49,817 --> 00:46:54,288
No, I'm saying if Alan Bennett had written it,
it would be funny.
673
00:46:55,857 --> 00:46:58,655
-I think it's time you left.
-I tend to agree.
674
00:47:01,097 --> 00:47:02,371
Yes? Hello.
675
00:47:03,337 --> 00:47:04,770
Oh, hello. Can I help?
676
00:47:04,857 --> 00:47:06,609
You probably don't remember me.
677
00:47:06,697 --> 00:47:09,291
You sold me an eau de toilette for my husband
678
00:47:09,377 --> 00:47:12,653
which, I'm afraid,
wasn't at all suitable for his skin.
679
00:47:12,737 --> 00:47:14,568
It caused the most terrible flare-up.
680
00:47:14,657 --> 00:47:18,570
You say you don't test these things on animals.
Do you actually test them at all?
681
00:47:18,657 --> 00:47:22,013
Personally, I don't. No.
But I do remember you, madam.
682
00:47:22,097 --> 00:47:24,213
And I remember I didn't sell you this.
683
00:47:24,297 --> 00:47:27,130
I exchanged it for another item you brought in.
684
00:47:27,217 --> 00:47:30,414
Er, obviously,
I'm sorry if it's caused him problems....
685
00:47:30,497 --> 00:47:33,728
Yes, two minutes.
I'll meet you outside after I've sorted this out.
686
00:47:37,977 --> 00:47:40,411
-Is that your husband?
-It is.
687
00:47:40,497 --> 00:47:42,215
And this time, if you don't mind,
688
00:47:42,297 --> 00:47:45,607
I'll just have a straight refund please.
I haven't got time to....
689
00:47:47,017 --> 00:47:48,370
What?
690
00:47:48,457 --> 00:47:51,608
No, I was just thinking. Isn't it funny...
691
00:47:52,457 --> 00:47:58,009
when I last saw that man, he appeared to be
some kind of vagrant in a cardboard box...
692
00:47:58,097 --> 00:48:00,133
begging for money in the street.
693
00:48:00,217 --> 00:48:03,254
-What exactly are you implying?
-Well....
694
00:48:04,017 --> 00:48:08,727
I'm very sorry, but it's just we do have to
be careful, obviously, about the risk of fraud.
695
00:48:08,817 --> 00:48:13,413
It's not unknown for people to acquire cut price
versions of our products from a dubious source
696
00:48:13,497 --> 00:48:17,376
and then go around shops
trying to trade them in at full value.
697
00:48:18,657 --> 00:48:21,330
-I think I'd better go.
-I tend to agree.
698
00:48:21,417 --> 00:48:25,330
I think I'd better go
before I do something I may later regret.
699
00:48:30,217 --> 00:48:35,166
Have you ever heard of a coronary condition
called a vasovagal episode?
700
00:48:35,697 --> 00:48:38,769
-Er....
-No, I didn't imagine so.
701
00:48:39,497 --> 00:48:44,776
Well, just pray you never have one because
the effect on your body is fairly terrifying.
702
00:48:44,857 --> 00:48:48,736
And if you should ever be unfortunate enough
to suddenly collapse
703
00:48:48,817 --> 00:48:51,695
shivering in a doorway one night
on your way home,
704
00:48:51,777 --> 00:48:56,373
Just pray some idiot doesn't come along
and shove money in your hand
705
00:48:56,457 --> 00:48:59,574
when what you desperately need is an ambulance.
706
00:49:01,097 --> 00:49:03,088
Oh. Really?
707
00:49:05,337 --> 00:49:08,886
And the redness on his neck....
708
00:49:08,977 --> 00:49:12,936
And, unlike you, I'm quite happy to give a refund.
709
00:49:23,497 --> 00:49:25,886
It wasn't really your night last night, was it?
710
00:49:29,657 --> 00:49:34,526
Oh, God! And here comes our favourite sales rep,
Mr Tildsley.
711
00:49:35,057 --> 00:49:37,446
I don't think I'm quite in the mood
at the moment.
712
00:49:37,537 --> 00:49:39,732
-Cleo, would you mind?
-Of course.
713
00:49:43,057 --> 00:49:44,285
-Hey.
-Hey.
714
00:49:44,377 --> 00:49:46,572
How's my favourite girl?
715
00:50:22,137 --> 00:50:23,729
Hi. How are you?
716
00:50:24,537 --> 00:50:29,008
Lloyd asked me to get this tape to you ASAP.
The pilot of Love Soup.
717
00:50:29,537 --> 00:50:33,610
He thought it might be, you know,
useful as a reference so....
718
00:50:33,697 --> 00:50:36,052
Oh, right, thanks.
719
00:50:36,137 --> 00:50:39,049
And did he ask you to deliver it in person?
720
00:50:39,497 --> 00:50:43,331
Oh, well, I was all done
for the weekend anyway and....
721
00:50:44,657 --> 00:50:48,206
Well, actually, I thought
you might ask me in for a cup of tea.
722
00:50:49,737 --> 00:50:51,853
What happened to your forehead?
723
00:50:51,937 --> 00:50:54,815
Oh, this woman hit me.
724
00:50:54,937 --> 00:50:59,965
'Cause there I am thinking, I don't know,
she's about to come onto me or something.
725
00:51:00,057 --> 00:51:03,811
And then, it turns out
she thinks she's got a future as a humorist,
726
00:51:03,897 --> 00:51:07,128
which is the only reason
she invited me around in the first place.
727
00:51:07,217 --> 00:51:12,086
I mean, it's bad enough I got this weird thing
going on with my next door neighbour.
728
00:51:12,177 --> 00:51:15,453
Who just broke up with her husband
after, like, 25 years.
729
00:51:15,537 --> 00:51:20,008
Any second, I've got this horrible feeling
she's going to make some kind of move which....
730
00:51:22,017 --> 00:51:26,249
Wow, sounds like you're a real hit
with the HRT brigade.
731
00:51:26,337 --> 00:51:29,727
And what would you do if she did?
732
00:51:29,817 --> 00:51:32,411
I don't know. Just think on my feet, I guess.
733
00:51:32,497 --> 00:51:35,295
Deal with it when it happens.
734
00:51:37,017 --> 00:51:39,485
So, how you getting on with Lloyd?
735
00:51:39,577 --> 00:51:41,295
Oh, well.
736
00:51:42,297 --> 00:51:45,528
There's a lot of mental undressing goes on
I'm quite sure.
737
00:51:45,617 --> 00:51:50,532
And I could do without some of the jokes,
but, no, we get on pretty well actually.
738
00:51:51,137 --> 00:51:53,332
I mean, he's actually very supportive
739
00:51:53,417 --> 00:51:57,012
of me and my condition and everything so....
740
00:51:57,097 --> 00:51:59,657
Oh, yeah, I mean, Lloyd is Lloyd, you know.
741
00:51:59,737 --> 00:52:02,615
I've known him...must be about three years now.
742
00:52:02,697 --> 00:52:05,495
You know, we did this real pile of junk series
for Granada
743
00:52:05,577 --> 00:52:09,286
which, I guess, came under the heading
of a steep learning curve....
744
00:52:09,377 --> 00:52:12,574
Oh, God! Okay.
745
00:52:14,177 --> 00:52:15,405
Here.
746
00:52:25,017 --> 00:52:27,053
Oh, hell.
747
00:52:27,137 --> 00:52:28,411
No.
748
00:52:29,057 --> 00:52:31,093
Now what am I going to do?
749
00:52:31,617 --> 00:52:33,847
Just think on your feet.
750
00:52:44,017 --> 00:52:47,646
Now that was kind of underhand,
wouldn't you say?
751
00:52:47,737 --> 00:52:49,648
Right. Really?
752
00:52:51,057 --> 00:52:53,855
Oh, God, I suppose it was. Do you think?
753
00:52:54,937 --> 00:52:57,007
Oh, God, why did I do that?
754
00:52:57,617 --> 00:52:59,767
'Cause I'm not like that, honestly, I'm not
755
00:52:59,857 --> 00:53:03,452
and now you're going to think
I'm just, like, this complete slut.
756
00:53:03,537 --> 00:53:06,768
Well, that would be a rather harsh way
of putting it.
757
00:53:06,857 --> 00:53:10,247
I had absolutely no right
to assume that you would....
758
00:53:10,337 --> 00:53:13,215
Oh, God! I didn't mean to assume anything.
759
00:53:13,777 --> 00:53:17,087
What am I even doing here?
I should never have come here.
760
00:53:17,217 --> 00:53:21,051
I've just completely humiliated myself
by being so wanton.
761
00:53:21,137 --> 00:53:24,527
No. Listen, I would never accuse you
of being wanton.
762
00:53:24,617 --> 00:53:30,010
And weak 'cause this is what happens, you see,
when you give in to lust and temptation.
763
00:53:30,097 --> 00:53:34,648
-Hey, Natalie, stop worrying, you know. It's okay.
-No, it's not okay, Gil.
764
00:53:35,537 --> 00:53:37,971
I've sinned in the eyes of God.
765
00:53:38,657 --> 00:53:42,491
-I am so sorry.
-Oh, nothing happened, come on.
766
00:53:42,977 --> 00:53:44,535
Please forgive me.
767
00:53:46,137 --> 00:53:49,049
Oh, God, look, I've got to go to the station, now!
768
00:53:53,217 --> 00:53:57,130
GIL: Oh, God, a Catholic narcoleptic,
perfect combination!
769
00:53:58,017 --> 00:54:00,212
How do I get into these situations?
770
00:54:00,297 --> 00:54:03,494
It's okay, it's just a thunderstorm, you know.
771
00:54:03,577 --> 00:54:07,092
It's not the Book of Revelations.
You'll get through it.
772
00:54:13,337 --> 00:54:17,376
With all due respect, I think you're getting
this Wrath of God thing out of proportion.
773
00:54:17,457 --> 00:54:20,733
The sins of intent
are just as real as those we commit.
774
00:54:20,817 --> 00:54:24,253
And for what I've done today...
775
00:54:24,337 --> 00:54:26,692
I know he will judge me accordingly.
776
00:54:48,017 --> 00:54:49,496
Hiya!
777
00:54:51,217 --> 00:54:53,253
Are you back yet?
778
00:54:55,977 --> 00:54:58,013
Anyone in?
779
00:55:23,377 --> 00:55:25,095
Sorry, I don't understand.
780
00:55:25,177 --> 00:55:28,613
When you say he got rid of half your shoes,
I thought that was what you'd agreed.
781
00:55:28,697 --> 00:55:32,053
You were going to leave him to choose
which ones because you couldn't bear....
782
00:55:32,137 --> 00:55:35,891
Yes, I left him to choose
and he got rid of half my shoes.
783
00:55:36,737 --> 00:55:38,489
One from each pair.
784
00:55:40,697 --> 00:55:43,450
One cupboard full of left, one full of right.
785
00:55:43,537 --> 00:55:45,653
I couldn't believe what I was seeing.
786
00:55:45,737 --> 00:55:48,490
What am I going to do with 86 odd shoes?
787
00:55:49,817 --> 00:55:52,377
But he must have realised what you meant.
788
00:55:52,457 --> 00:55:54,254
Of course he realised.
789
00:55:54,337 --> 00:55:58,489
He saw me kissing that goofy Tildsley, didn't he?
On the lips.
790
00:55:58,577 --> 00:56:01,375
And that's put paid to our relationship.
791
00:56:01,457 --> 00:56:04,176
Please don't make me go out spraying today.
792
00:56:04,697 --> 00:56:06,892
I feel like some kind of circus freak.
793
00:56:11,737 --> 00:56:16,811
GIL: Maybe she was right,
it was the voice of God warning her off me.
794
00:56:17,577 --> 00:56:20,887
See, if I put that in a script,
people would say it was contrived.
795
00:56:22,257 --> 00:56:24,771
Yeah, like the garbage that Sally woman wrote.
796
00:56:24,857 --> 00:56:28,247
Page after page of unredeemed bitterness
and bile.
797
00:56:28,337 --> 00:56:30,293
I mean, lighten up, you know.
798
00:56:30,377 --> 00:56:35,212
Go and watch Stan and Ollie dance
in front of the saloon. That's comedy.
799
00:56:37,497 --> 00:56:41,251
Think I'm just going to lose all that tabloid
newspaper stuff.
800
00:56:41,337 --> 00:56:43,532
It's such a sledgehammer approach.
801
00:56:43,617 --> 00:56:45,812
The whole thing needs to be more organic.
802
00:56:46,297 --> 00:56:48,492
With real people like you meet in life.
803
00:56:49,737 --> 00:56:53,446
Except, when do I ever meet any real people?
804
00:56:54,817 --> 00:56:57,172
Therein lies the problem.
805
00:56:59,297 --> 00:57:02,573
ALICE: Whatever happened to trust
between a man and a woman?
806
00:57:02,657 --> 00:57:05,125
Does it even exist anymore?
807
00:57:05,497 --> 00:57:08,569
I suppose they'll both find the right person
eventually, but...
808
00:57:09,337 --> 00:57:12,249
is there even such a thing as the right person?
809
00:57:12,337 --> 00:57:17,172
Or are all our relationships, in a sense,
destined to be just a pair of odd shoes?
810
00:57:19,777 --> 00:57:21,176
Oh, shut up.
811
00:57:21,657 --> 00:57:24,808
Got your little godson coming tomorrow.
That'll be nice.
812
00:57:25,177 --> 00:57:28,249
Remember how a few days ago
you were worried about him?
813
00:57:28,337 --> 00:57:30,487
That he was growing up too fast?
814
00:57:30,577 --> 00:57:33,296
And that's half your trouble, if truth be told.
815
00:57:33,657 --> 00:57:38,526
You spend far too much time
worrying yourself sick over nothing at all.
816
00:58:18,617 --> 00:58:20,209
Do you like it?
71395
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