All language subtitles for Love Soup.S1Ep01.There Must Be Some Way Out of Here

Good morning. Is it Alice?
Julie Pirelli from Rush & Butcher.

My first appointment fell through so...

Tell me if I'm too early.

What do you think? I haven't done much to it.

I don't really get the time,
up and down to London every day.

Can't believe I've been here six years now.

No! Listen, I mean this room is...

15'3"by 12'8".

So you're looking for somewhere
a bit smaller, did you say?

- But still in the Brighton area?
- Not through choice but...

I mean, the service charge here now is sadistic.

- Prudently administered.
- Yes, is that what I mean?

I mean, it's a lovely block, lovely neighbours.

Except for the flat above.

There's a little boy likes to urinate
out of the window about six or seven times a day.

I have put a note through their door.

Everyone else seems to think
it's sweet, but then I'm odd.

Washer-dryer, very nice.

Are they any good these? Mine's just
totally packed up on me, damned thing.

We can put it down as included
or you might want to negotiate.

That was a moving-in present
from my mum and dad.

Now both...

I can't really bear to think about it at the moment.

Well, you have a ponder and let me know.

Okay, we'll get this printed up

and if I could have that key, please, we're all set.

Yes.

Can I ask, incidentally, what made you
decide to place your property with our firm?

Just the name I suppose.
Tends to stick in your mind, doesn't it?

Rush & Butcher.

Makes you think of Stalin's death camps.

I suppose everyone says that.

Not really. Fingers crossed then.
Got a couple of possibles for tomorrow.

- Will you be back at work then?
- Back on the rat run.

There's this lovely old chap actually,
two doors along,

he gives me a lift to the station.

Of course, he's not only lovely to me,
he's lovely to everyone,

which, obviously, I have to build into my schedule.

But, I don't know,
I just find myself wondering sometimes...

Move!

...when did those values go out of fashion?

What if that woman can read my mind?

Oh, God, that's a terrifying thought.
You're turning into a mad person.

But what if she can?

Hello?

Of course she can't. It's completely impossible.

Well, just don't think about her wig,
that's all, to be on the safe side.

And if you have to think about it,
think only nice things.

Do not think about how hideous it looks.

I mean, the colour for a start, it's a car crash!

Will you try and settle down?

What it must be like to just
breeze through life instead of feeling as if...

you're under this giant microscope all the while.

I don't suppose there's another person in the
whole world who gets hung up on these things.

MAN: Any second now it's going to change.
You know it.

'Cause, I mean, we're almost there.
GBP9, I give him a 10.

"Keep the change."It's perfect.

If it can just stay on nine
till we pull up, just a couple more yards.

There you go!

Now we're into a complete recalculation.

Now I've got to add to the note.
It's 80p, what kind of tip is that?

It's like, "Don't insult me."

So now, because I came out without coins,
I've got to give him two 10s.

Two GBP10 notes for a 9.20 fare.

And say what? "Take a pound for yourself."

It's so patronising.

And then he's going to have to fiddle about
in that big bag of change...

Oh, God, why is this always so difficult?

No wonder I've got hypertension.

163 over 90. Sorry about that.

The doctor said if it hadn't come down,
he'd try me on this... What is it?

- Bendroflumethiazide?
- Yes, it's a diuretic. It can often help.

Of course, you'll end up going a lot more.

So, any long car journeys, I'd keep a bottle handy.

No, I'm serious.
You could traumatise your bladder.

- Have you ever had this done before?
- No, but it's...

the same principle as the electric chair, right?

Of course, driving. I'm always a wreck anyway.

That's why I got a cab here, to try and relax.

Big mistake.

Of course, it didn't help
I'd read this story in the paper.

The Earth's going to be hit by an asteroid.

Did you see that?

Forty years from now,
they're talking a 12% probability...

of a headlong collision
that'll wipe out the whole of mankind.

Okay, now if you can just lie still
and breathe normally for me.

So, how's the comedy-writing going?

Don't think I've seen your name come up lately.

Not that I watch that much on the box these days.

- One or two of the nature programmes.
- Uh-huh.

The BBC, The Natural World.

Oh, right. Last night was the hyenas, yeah.

Ruined by all the canned laughter, of course.

- Sorry?
- No, I was just being fashionable.

Well, can't see any problems there,

but we'll get it all sent off
and properly checked over.

I've been doing a lot of work in the theatre so...

Though I am having lunch today
with this supposedly hotshot TV producer.

Said she wants to pick my brains.
Probably about some cranky new idea,

like, for a sitcom set in a hollow tree
or something.

Incidentally, how are things with you?

You must be getting pretty excited.
What is it, a month to go?

Masses to do and no time to do it.
Never get married, Mr Raymond.

Ah! Well, now we're talking science fiction.

I used to think that, but...

You know, these days, with all
the stupid pressure you have to deal with.

And if you're in your 30s and
still single then you're Bridget Jones.

I mean, life is life, you can't make it happen.
I was just very lucky.

Yeah, 'cause I guess here we all are
in this great cosmic nature programme...

And you can never tell, believe me,
where your heart's going to take you.

- With my luck, the cardiology ward.
- Go away.

Look, do hang on to the receipt, just in case.

Thank you. Okay.

My God, Ali, I don't know.
You wouldn't recognise it, would you,

if it jumped up and bit you? Did you see that?

What are you blathering about now, Cleo?

Why do you think he comes in twice a week?
No one goes through that much aftershave.

And when you're not about,
I've seen him, he just goes away again.

- He's smitten, sticks out a mile.
- Grow up.

Anyway, I've too many other things
on my plate at the moment, I told you,

to get drawn into your fantasy world.

Think we could do with a new tester on here,

if you could uncouple your bottom
from that stool for a moment?

So why doesn't he say something, then?
You've just got a vivid imagination.

Trust me. I know the type he goes for.

He went out with Noleen in John Lewis for a while.

She said he was really nice, just not very pushy.

Noleen? In John Lewis?

- I don't think I find that very flattering.
- It should be perfect for you, shouldn't it?

To know he's not bothered about looks.

You're always saying the guys you meet
are too shallow.

The only thing, he has got this one little quirk,

which, of course, she couldn't deal with,
which is why she dumped him.

But then, of course, she hasn't got
your sense of adventure.

Listen, I'm not that adventurous...
if it's anything to do with eels

or mummification.

He just happens to have a thing for feet.
That's all it is.

It's hardly even a perversion by today's standards.

So long as your toenails are nice and clean.
You wouldn't want him to get a throat infection.

Can we talk about something else, please?

Is Milly all right this morning?

Oh, boyfriend trouble, I think.
I'll have a word at lunch.

- Gil? How are you? Gina Massey.
- Yes, good to see you.

- Hi. Have I kept you waiting long? I'm sorry.
- No, just a few minutes.

- Would you like anything to drink?
- I'm just going to have some still water with...

- Have you got any fresh lime?
- Yes.

That'd be great, thanks.

Can I ask, are you comfortable here?
We can move to another table.

This is perfect. Don't you just love the feel
of this place, the whole energy here?

Anything to get out of that high-rise sweat-box.

I'm really not an indoor person at all
if you want the truth, but...

So listen, did Karen explain to you
what we're up to?

Just that you were trying to get
some writers together for this new project.

Okay, basically, it's six hours,
each one self-contained,

which the network have already bought
in principle, called Love Soup.

The brief being as wide as you want to
make it, a comedy about relationships.

From there, it's over to you.

You know, because I'm not a writer,
that's what we pay you guys to do.

I'm a great believer in that.

Give good people the freedom
to express themselves, you'll get good work.

Love Soup? Did you come up with that?

- You hate it, okay.
- Your water.

- Thanks.
- No, not at all, it's good.

So should we order...?

I mean, I just think it's typical of my luck,
that's all.

I meet this really great bloke,
I'm completely mad about, he's mad about me.

And when he said, "I must warn you,
my grandparents came from Germany,"

- I was like, "Yeah, okay. So what?"
- It's not like they were Nazis or anything.

You know, it's ancient history, right?

And then when he told me
his surname was Alzheimer.

Because for two weeks
I'd just known him as Kevin.

Now, that is a bummer, Milly,
I've got to be honest. What are the chances?

I mean, he's all right at the moment,
obviously, but...

- How do you mean?
- Well, we don't know, do we?

If it was in his family to start with and it's still
lurking about somewhere in the genes?

That's where you lose
all your memory and everything, right?

That's what my grandad died of.

Well, it wasn't exactly what he died of, was it?
He just forgot to put his seat belt on.

You see, I don't think
it was the person who first had the disease.

I think it was probably named after
the doctor who discovered it so, you know,

he could have
quite a distinguished family history.

Yeah, but...

what kind of a name is that
to go through married life with?

Mrs Milly Alzheimer? "The doctor
will see you now, Mrs Alzheimer."

All the jokes you'd get,

like if our children were the first
to turn up at a party or something,

"Oh, dear, we've got early Alzheimers."

Do you think he'd consider changing it, then?
To something like Bruckheimer...

Did anyone read about this asteroid?
It's absolutely incredible.

That's not going to embarrass the little ones, is it?
One of the co-producers of Batman.

Forty years from now, they're saying if it hits us,
it will be the end of life on this planet.

That's a bit of a worry, isn't it?

Why is it only on page five?

Well, I don't suppose there's anything
we can do about it.

But doesn't that totally terrify you,
that one day we might all just be complete...

Is it my imagination or have you...

perked up a bit in the last half hour?

She just wants to get noticed
by the new security guy when he comes in.

If he comes in. Suppose there's still time.

All right, I had to cheat a little.
Sometimes nature needs a helping hand.

And Plasticine's so versatile.

Yes, all the same,

if you can make sure Wallace and Gromit
are gone by the time we get back to the counter.

I don't know, what is it with you people?
The only topic of conversation is men.

How to get them, what happens when
you've got them, and then how to get rid of them.

God, it's all I ever hear, is men.

She needs a man.

Come on, Ali, it's not rocket salad.

And you know what I said before,
if you're looking for a dead cert...

Thank you, Cleo, no.

I am not going out with a foot fetishist.

I caught a few Lollipop Men,

which I thought,
considering it was quite a safe, ensemble piece,

there were some nice edgy things in there.
Did it do well?

Sadly, yes. But I said no to the next series
'cause I feel I've been there too many times.

Because you did a lot of sitcom work back home.

Eight years, making shit-loads of money and...

I mean, just sitting in a room all day
with a bunch of guys trading lines,

you know, and everyone's there
trying to top each other's gag, but...

It's all so mechanistic, you know,
with wall-to-wall put-downs

and smart aleck remarks.

You've got all these Neanderthals
from the network

who think
they've discovered the secret of comedy,

which actually no one in the world knows,
certainly not me.

Like it's just a recipe for a soufflé or something.

- Sorry, I didn't come here to sermonise.
- No, it's really interesting.

Because, it's like,
intellectuals can only intellectualise.

Anything that's just intuitive
that they can't dissect, or explain,

frustrates the hell out of them.
I've always thought that.

Absolutely. Yes, that's absolutely it.

- So, then, what brought you to England?
- What else? A woman.

Her name was Lucy.
She worked for an English production company

I was involved with for a while.

And it was, you know, a life-changing decision.
I sold my house in the valley, everything.

Bought this lovely old place in the country here

where we were going to grow old together and...

You know, I'm off the plane three hours...

How can you have found someone else?
Is this a joke?

All right!
Stop making me feel so shitty about it, okay?

I mean, how do you think I feel
as the guilty party in all this?

It's not as if I planned for it to happen,
he just landed in my lap.

- I'll bet he enjoyed that.
- I can't explain it, Robby can't explain it.

It's just like the two of us have this chemistry.

Yeah, so did Watson and Crick,
they didn't sleep together!

So here I am, jilted for a man named Robby.

Gosh, we're so fickle, aren't we?

But there you go, if all that hadn't happened,
I wouldn't be sitting with you here today so...

- Great.
- Thank you very much.

- Incidentally, that was great, thanks.
- You're very welcome.

Listen, I've written this play,
I don't know if it would interest you.

It's kind of like a little fringe thing
on Friday, about a couple of young guys

who were working the clubs in Greenwich Village,
New York, back in the '60s,

who are one day destined to grow into
these two great cultural icons.

One's a comedian and one's a folk singer.
It's a kind of a, what do you call it,

a roman à clef, called The Joker To The Thief.

I mean, you know, I don't suppose

- it's something that really falls within your...
- It sounds great.

- Next Friday? Can I come?
- Yeah, I'd love you to come.

I mean, as long as you're aware, that's all,
that we're still breaking it in.

So, great, I'll organise...

- two tickets, then?
- Would you?

And let me make a note of that
or I know I'll forget.

- The Joker and the Thief.
- No, that's The Joker To The Thief.

It's from All Along the Watchtower.
You know, "There must be some way out of here."

Hang on. I've got a meeting at 5:30.
Might go on for a bit.

Okay, well...

Why don't you leave my ticket at the box office?
Just in case I'm not there in time.

And maybe we could have a drink
afterwards, whatever, and talk about it.

Move!

Well, who else could it be?
She's the only one with a key.

Besides, I recognised the colour.

And it's obviously been more than once,
the way that fabric conditioner's gone down.

Well, you want to complain. Definitely.

Because, I mean, that is seriously not on.

Good morning. What's happening?
What've I missed?

Ali found an estate agent's bra
in her washing machine.

- Get out of town! That's outrageous.
- Can you believe that?

When she's supposed to have been showing
people around. I don't know,

you give people access to your property,
suddenly they're bringing in laundry.

No, that is crossing the line,
I'm sorry, of professional conduct.

You do not want someone else's underwear
anywhere near your food surfaces.

Underwear and God knows what else.

I left home in the morning, that dial
was definitely set to colour-fast cotton.

- And then when I get home...
- Don't tell me, acrylics?

The sheer gall of the woman.
I mean, when you think of it,

she could be doing anything in that place
while I'm out.

That's a point. She could be using it
to have an affair with a married man

- or something.
- Oh, God, yeah!

And then washing all the sheets and everything
afterwards to cover her tracks.

Do you think? What, and then ironing them?

That depends. I suppose the fitted
undersheet you wouldn't really need to.

And you wouldn't want it to look too perfect
or it'd be obvious what was going on.

- So you think she'd just rough-dry them?
- Then go over them with a cool iron.

Might want to open the window for a bit
to let it air.

Yes, have you two finished?

I mean, let's not build this up too far, shall we?
Into a global conspiracy.

She's been found out and that's that.

And I shall be straight round their office
tomorrow, I can tell you, to get that key back.

Well, that's not going to be good enough, is it?
What if she's made copies?

- Are you serious?
- Oh, God, Ali, you're so trusting.

That's how people take advantage of you.

If that was me, no argument,
I'd get the locks changed.

ANNOUNCER: Would all staff please return
to your stations. The store is now open.

GIL: No, that sounds very generous.

Even minus your percentage, that's going to be...
Yeah, fine.

Sorry?

Oh, surprisingly...

Not what I expected, no.

In fact, I think, you know,
it could be quite a fun thing to do

and quite liberating.

Plus, she's coming to see the play on Friday so...

Well, you know... Anyway, we'll see.

Now...

I think I got my next door neighbours
looming here so I'm going to have to go.

No, they're nice people, it's just...

they never wear enough clothes
for my liking in this weather.

And, you know, I could do without all
that moist flesh on my upholstery.

Okay, Tim, I'll see you tomorrow.

- Hey, how are you?
- Gil, how are you doing?

Not interrupting your creative flow, are we?

Probably glad of a breather, I'll bet.
Hot day like this.

- It's gorgeous!
- Isn't it?

- Erm... can I get you anything to drink?
- We can't stay long.

But, thank you. A little water, I think,
would be nice, wouldn't it?

- Yeah.
- Water? Yeah, okay.

Yes. Just wondering if we could ask
our usual favour of you, Gil?

Saturday week, we're off to Irene's sister's
for a long weekend.

- You know, down in St Ives.
- It should be nice.

With my new digital camera
someone bought me for my birthday.

Yeah, she's been having fun with that thing.
She's gone real digital junkie.

- Stuck in front of that computer.
- I'm guessing you'd like

the old tomatoes watered while you're gone.
No problem.

- Would you mind? Just be four days.
- Absolutely. No, my pleasure.

- Good.
- Bless you, that'll be a real big help.

So, are things good with you, Bob?
You're looking well.

Well, not missing the bank, that's for sure.

I think I told you,
I'm at the gym three times a week now.

I try and eat sensibly, you know.
Now I just have to watch the old whisky levels.

- You are very disciplined.
- That's right, I meant to say.

- You go to the Pineways Health Club, right?
- Yeah.

I was down there this morning, signing up.

You know, I'm on all these diuretics and stuff
for my blood pressure...

- Of course.
- Got to get more exercise in.

- You'll have a great time in that place.
- You've been going there, what, three years?

They got all the gear, personal trainers...

I know, if they can just come around and prise me
out of bed in the morning. That would be...

You know, with a tyre lever or something.

Oh, but what about that guy Tuesday morning?

Collapsed and died on the running machine. Wow.

Right in front of everyone. I mean,
he was in his 70s, these things happen, but...

You were at the gym Tuesday morning.
You didn't say anything about this.

Well, no, obviously because
it would have upset you to hear about it so...

- Well, it would.
- I mean, God, it upset me.

I mean, poor old guy just lying there.
Terrible thing.

Incidentally, if you find any ripe ones out there,
you know the drill, just help yourself.

- They're lovely and sweet.
- Yeah. Great. I'll do that.

- We're going to have masses, as ever.
- Definitely. I'll keep my eye out. Thanks.

Yeah. 'Cause we got to
look after our prostates, right?

Didn't I read that somewhere,
tomatoes are really good for all that?

So I believe, especially when
they're in a tin for some reason.

Personally, I would never
keep my prostate in a tin

because, you know, it is inconvenient,
to say the least.

No, I just think it's odd you didn't say anything.
That's all.

Because I distinctly remember
when you came home I asked you,

"How did it go today?"
And you made a big joke about it.

You said, "Oh, I think this exercise
is really doing me good."

And then suddenly clutched your chest
and started staggering about

as if you were having a heart attack. I mean...

after you've just seen someone
having a fatal coronary?

- Doesn't sound as if you were that upset.
- No, I suppose, in hindsight maybe...

it was my way of dealing with it. Sorry.

You know, I didn't really think it through.

Well, we should go, I think.

- Let you get on with your life.
- Okay, well...

While we get on with ours.

Don't you dare talk to me about the truth
when our whole relationship has been one big lie.

Sweetheart, please.
Can't we just sit down and talk about this?

- This is yours, I think.
- Steady on.

- And these are all yours.
- Oh, God, no.

Bob, what the hell's going on?

I just hope you're happy now.
You've totally destroyed my life.

- Thank you very much.
- What did I do?

What didn't you do?

Opened your great big mouth
so now the genie's out of the bottle.

And I'm out on the street. Thanks a bundle.

Just because you didn't tell her
what happened in the gym?

I wasn't in the gym. I never go to the bloody gym.

For God's sake, I get my exercise elsewhere.

What are you talking about?

Do you know how hard it is
to effect that kind of cover?

Have you any idea the work involved?

- I don't understand.
- No, you don't understand anything

about how a marriage works after 25 years.

How much I still love my wife
and how a little stress relief

three times a week with a professional lady
never hurt anything or anyone

until you came along.

- That's yours and that's yours and this is yours.
- Please.

And aren't we forgetting one more thing?

No, Irene.

I think this is yours.

Oh!

For mercy's sake, Irene, please.

Now just go!

God, this is just...
I mean, what are you trying to do to me?

- God Almighty.
- And don't ever come back!

Maybe I'm overreacting, I don't know.
She was so apologetic on the phone.

I mean, practically in tears.
How unprofessional it was.

What would happen if her boss found out?

She's promised faithfully to send me
another bottle of Comfort.

No, you're being very sensible.
A thing like that happens, you don't take chances.

Some of the stories I could tell you.

Right, I bet you get to hear about
some real nasty happenings in your business.

An old girlfriend of mine once
said to me, "People are gross."

I always remember that.

We are supposed to be
evolving as a species, don't they say?

- God help us in 100 years' time.
- I know, it's like even when you look back

at those quiz shows from just 20 years ago.

People who went on them
had a certain humility and dignity.

Today it would just be seen as wet.

Let not Ambition mock their useful toil

their homely joys, and destiny obscure.

Gray's Elegy.

It was one of my father's favourite poems.

It just completely summed up
the sort of man he was.

All his life...

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to...

No, no, no.

It's just, my father only died a month ago so...

Oh, no.

He'd been very poorly for about 18 months.

But it didn't help that some
bastard, pardon my language,

broke into his flat and started
knocking him about for his pension.

If you'd seen the state he left him in.

Five broken bones,

33 stitches needed in his face.

And I don't suppose they ever caught him.

Caught him...

but couldn't make the charges stick
because my dad was half blind.

But he knew who did it.

Anyway, I don't suppose we're going to put
the world to rights, are we, between us?

However hard we try so...

No, but then again...

we could try a bit harder.

Look, apart from anything else,
don't you think that's a public health hazard?

And, frankly, I don't see
why I should have to put up with it.

You have got a lavatory in this flat, I take it?

Excuse me, would you mind lowering your voice?

I've got a six-month-old baby in there
trying to sleep.

It's a good thing I haven't got a window box.

You call yourself a mother, I suggest
you try bringing him up a bit better.

I don't think I need a lecture
on parenting skills from you.

How many children have you brought
into the world, I wonder?

I've told him it's wrong and he mustn't do it.

He's just going through a dysfunctional phase
where he needs to express himself.

Yes, well, maybe you need to make the point
a little more firmly.

- Are you suggesting I should hit my son?
- When did I say that?

Give him a good clip round the ear?
That'll soon knock some sense into him.

Now you're just putting words in my mouth.

I think we all know
where you stand on the issues of the day.

Maybe you hadn't noticed.
We're not living in Victorian England anymore.

- You should learn to be a bit more tolerant.
- Victorian...

Now just a minute. I beg your pardon.

Well, that could have gone better.

So now I feel like Rhodes Boyson or someone.
Why didn't you stop me?

- Is this the final damage?
- Lf you wouldn't mind.

To Adam Coates, please. C-O-A-T-E-S.

I don't know.
Don't see me ever selling this place now.

I'm obviously just stuck here.

With one expense after another.

Oh, dear. Sounds like you need cheering up.

No, come in.
I was just sorting out some more things.

Trying to get my head around it all.

I'm probably the last person
you'd want to see right now,

but when I heard that gunshot...

Yes, well...

That was just me being bitter and twisted.

Something else for him to collect in the morning.

Have a seat.

All that stuff out there with you and Bob

really churned me up inside,
you know, the whole thing.

I mean, you make one innocent remark
like that and...

It's not the fact that he was seeing a prostitute.

It's the fact that he lied to me.

Is that how it's supposed to go? Well, I'm sorry.

It is the fact that he was seeing a prostitute.
And the fact that he lied to me.

I mean, how does he think
I'm going to react to something like that?

That I'm just going to roll over,
like she does, and take it?

Still, as long as I know now that you're okay...

And what's that supposed to mean?
May I be so bold as to ask?

"It was only sex."

Like that's some kind of
mitigating factor or something.

And it's all okay
because he doesn't love her or respect her.

I said, "Listen, if that's how you show
your respect for me, I can live without it."

You'll probably want some time
on your own right now,

to get your thoughts together...

Sex, right? Seems to be what it's all about.

The wonderful F-word. God!

Don't you think we were like that to begin with?

Of course we were.
F-wording each other's brains out!

The way you do when it's all still an adventure.

Sex is what brings you together.

It's not what keeps you together.

That's something else entirely.

Black.

He always had this thing for me in black.

Whenever we'd go out for the night,

I'd put on some short, clinging black dress.

Really showed off my legs.

I had great legs in those days.

In sheer black tights.

You know, that really fine, silky nylon that
almost whispers when your thighs brush together.

Black high-heeled shoes.

God, he couldn't wait to get me home.

And, of course, there'd be more
of the same underneath.

I mean, I could never see it but...

he said that's how it was for most men.

I can see the appeal.

I mean, we all have our fantasies.

I mean, I've never seen anything wrong with that.
It's just...

when you start putting them into practice
is when it gets dangerous.

Don't know if you're involved
with anyone at the moment, Gil.

Well, maybe something in the pipeline.
Who knows?

It's just so hard, you know, in this world.

I mean, don't you ever wonder sometimes?

What are the chances
you'll ever meet that one human being...

who's just really right for you?

And so perfect?

Not perfect in themselves but...

perfect for you.

So you know that whatever happens,
they'll see it through your eyes

and you'll see it through theirs.

And there isn't anything life can throw at you

that you won't get through together.

I mean, I really used to believe that...

in my soppy girlie way.

That there was one person
fate had put on earth for each of us.

And that with Bob I'd found him.

But, of course, the awful thing is...

that person could exist...

and we may never get to meet them.

Here we go again.

IRENE: Hello? Yes.

Please, don't you dare start up
with all that bullshit

because it's all bullshit and you know it.

Really? Well, you can just forget that idea.

No chance. You've said all there is to be said, Bob,

and if you want to collect
the rest if your things tomorrow,

they'll be in a box on the front lawn.

Don't give me all that whinging hypocritical crap.

What am I? Some kind of moron?

God, I can't believe I could have been so naive.

All this time, you lying, underhand piece of shit!

For God's sake, don't waste your breath.

Well, I'm sorry, I don't want to talk about it.

Because I don't want to talk about it
and you needn't bother ringing again

because I won't be answering!

Er, look, I've got some work
to catch up on actually

and lunch with my agent tomorrow, in town.

So that's going be half the day gone.

Okay, well.

Thanks for all your concern, anyway, about me.

And, you know, don't be a stranger.

GINA: Stop it, now it's hurting.

- I think I'm getting a stitch.
- Hurting? By this time, I'm about to implode.

- And then when I get in there...
- You couldn't do it because...

Anatomically, it's like,
it just switched over to the other channel.

And then of course,
the more you try and make it go away,

the worse it gets.

You know, as I'm standing there,

thinking about chess problems
and Ernest Borgnine.

You see, this is what
you should be putting in the script.

I've always said the best comedy
is based on truth and observation.

Yeah, I can hear the calls now.

"I don't pay my licence fee
to watch people getting

"involuntary erections at funerals.
Thank you very much.

"You're just another example of lazy writing."

Have you noticed how the phrase "lazy writing"
has itself become an example of lazy writing?

And what's ironic, of course,
if she hadn't said that to me the other night,

I'd probably never have noticed.

Oh, this is your neighbour
who's just thrown her husband out.

You want to watch yourself there,
now she's a single woman again.

Hey, you do not know of what you speak.

I tell you, when she said, "We all have
our fantasies," she wasn't kidding.

I mean, if someone had cloned your face
onto their partner's body in a photo,

how worried do you think I should be about that?

- You are joking?
- It was in a bag full of trash

of stuff she was throwing out. But I mean...

It was like a picture of me cuddling up to her

that she'd put together on the computer.

I mean, I didn't say anything,
I wouldn't have known what to say,

but kind of weird, don't you think?

Sounds as if there were a few cracks
appearing on both sides of the marriage.

Well, I don't know, she had just got this camera.

She was probably just like a child with a new toy,

playing around, seeing what she could do with it.

I mean, and she had just thrown it away.

So, maybe I shouldn't read too much into it.

God, this is the place to be, isn't it?
Not like my chicken coop.

It's seen better days obviously.

My grandfather first moved here
after the war and, I mean, you know,

I try and keep it ticking over.

How long were you away for, then, in the army?

- Bet you couldn't wait to get back.
- Fourteen years in uniform.

Knocks a lot of sense into you, you know,

when you just wake up one day to the reality of it.

Politicians, it suits their purposes
to paint you all as heroes but...

you'd be surprised how few of us
Join up for the posthumous recognition.

So you saw a lot of action?

Unfortunately, so did my wife, while I was gone.

And after she moved out,

there weren't a whole lot of options open to me,
so eventually got into this game.

And how many other customers
have you invited round for dinner?

Don't suppose I'm the first.

I'll be honest,

after what Sharon did to me,
it was such a kick in the teeth,

I just thought, "Do I really want to
put myself through that whole..."

Game of soldiers.

I mean, I don't know, because...

I just think the chances for me now
that something's actually going to...

work out, you know...

But then again...

Most of us need the eggs.

No, it's... Didn't you ever? Annie Hall.

The way we're all still drawn
into relationships over and over again.

Even though we know
it's complete insanity most of the time.

We're gluttons for punishment.

Oh, those potatoes aren't burning, are they?

Oh, God.

I went out with a girl from Montana one time,

who was a real, you know,

Rocky Mountain, country type of girl.

With, you know, I think I would describe it
as a rustic sexuality.

You know, her underarm hair was all in pigtails.

And with the gingham teeth.

Looked really cute, you know.

And I went back one night.

She invited me back to her log cabin in the forest.

And I said to her,

"I think you should know this about me,

"because it's something you're going to
have to deal with,

"that I am like an animal in bed."

So she got out her gun and shot me.

So what are you telling me,
you have feelings for him, are you serious?

Based on what?

You know, he has absolutely no contact
with his audience.

No warmth.

Jesus, you come to my show, it's real funny, right?

You have a good time.

This guy, you know, he can't open his mouth

without it's all bleakness and misery
and premonitions of doom.

You know, you have sex with me, you get all that.

Will you hush your mouth? He's about to start.

Hush my mouth?
What are we, in downtown Dixieland?

You should lay off the grits. I think I told you that.

♪ One time I came upon

♪ A crooked canyon in the east

♪ Far from the frozen bone yards

♪ Where the kings and prophets feast

♪ The buzzards they were circling

♪ As the Prince of Fools came by

♪ And bared his broken teeth to grin

♪ Whilst pointing at the sky

♪ And in the temple no one wept

♪ But for a blinded child

♪ Who fled to where a hundred broken bodies

♪ Were all piled

♪ And cried into a hurricane

♪ That from the west did blow

♪ Saying I have seen the future that

♪ No man will ever know ♪

So, anyway, you weren't bored?

I'm sorry?

I just worry the subtext could be clearer.

You know, that the clown will always lose out
to the poet who's going to steal the girl

because he's got depth and mystery.

Because. You know, you capture their mind,
you capture their heart.

Well, there I'd take issue with you

because don't they say that

laughter is a great aphrodisiac?

Hmm, don't know.

Would you rather go to
bed with Keats or Laurel and Hardy?

Personally, I'd rather go to bed...

My flatmate. Hi, Mel, what's up?

When?

Oh, God.

Oh, dear.

Did you see it happen?

No, no.

Okay. What can you do?

Thanks for calling.

Bye.

Bad news?

My cat's been run over.

- Oh, shit.
- Yeah, I know.

I had him five years, since he was born.

- My longest-ever relationship.
- Oh, God.

Yeah.

Oh, dear.

Oh, well.

So...

where were we?

- What breed was he?
- Sorry?

Oh. Just big old moggie, you know.

- What's the matter?
- No, I'm just...

- Sorry.
- Are you okay?

Yes, thanks. I'm okay.

I mean, five, you know.

That's no age at all.

No. I guess not.

No, I don't even know now how I got into retail.

Just always been a bit of a drifter, I suppose.

Gadding about too much early on
when I should have been putting down roots.

I mean, they're a lovely bunch,
do anything for you, incredibly loyal.

But sometimes it's like...

they could be talking Martian
for all the sense they make.

There's one of them been trying to
pair me off with this bloke

who comes in the store.

Who's very nice, as it happens,
but apparently, likes women's feet.

So, today there's this
big discussion going on about

what the technical term for that is.

Is he a "paedophile"

- or a "pedestriophile"?
- Okay.

Either way, he's likely to get
a petrol bomb through his door.

So I'd do well to avoid him.

Oh, God.

And every day I have to listen to this.

You feel like you're the only sane voice
in a mad world.

That's exactly it.

Little kid does his toilet job out the window.

You try and complain.

- You're accused of harassment.
- I know.

And look at that bloke who attacked your father.
God rest his soul.

You knew who it was and he gets away with it.

That must have been very hard to take.

- It was hard, yeah.
- Should have been put away for 10 years at least.

And he's still walking round scot-free.

How can that be right?

ALICE: Well, now I've seen a live barn owl,
I think my life is definitely complete.

Ooh, what have you got for me in here?

Something you might get a little kick out of.

- Come here.
- It's not going to bite me?

Look, I know we only met
for the first time yesterday, Alice.

But I think you know, don't you,
when someone's on your wavelength.

Well.

We see eye to eye on a few things.

And I think we'll see eye to eye on this thing.

You said 10 years, I thought 15.

Which means he's got just under 14 left to serve.

Way I see it is if we get no joy from the courts,

it is down to us to make our own justice.

Isn't that right, Jeffrey Gordon Blunstone?

You bastard! You're insane, you are.
A bloody mental case!

Can't you see what he's done?
You can't keep me here, it's illegal!

Let me out, you bloody psycho! Let me out!

You can't keep me here. Tell him.

It's getting a bit chilly now. You fancy a coffee?

Here, here, look!

Hey, you, leave my dog alone.

Gosh, you have no idea
what that smile of his does to me.

I think we've got a pretty good idea.

Sorry?

Think he wasn't so much smiling
as doubling up, Cleo. He's not the only one.

That's never happened before. God!

Ali, you just missed it.

You know that fellow that she fancies
over there, he was just at the...

What's happened? What's the matter?

You're not still moping
about that nutter the other night?

The man who gives me a lift
to the station every day...

some yob tried to steal his car the other morning

and his dog was still in the back.

- Jumped up and bit his ear off.
- Well, good for him.

I know, except...

Frank just rang me, he said...

he'd just had a letter.

They're saying the dog's got to be destroyed.

What is wrong with this world?

Well, actually not that well right now.

I thought I had something,
but now it's all unravelling in my head

and, as usual, I'm losing faith
in the whole premise so...

Listen, last Friday night...

ended on a bit of a strange note.

I'm sorry about that. Sometimes I just get this...

I don't know what it is, sense of alienation that...

But listen, I was wondering if you wanted...

Oh! Really?

Okay. Is that someone you just met or...

No, no, there's no need for you
to feel bad about anything.

As someone said, you never can tell
where your heart's going to take you so...

But let me take a wild guess,
he's got to be a poet, right?

GIL: I don't know,
the mysteries of sexual attraction.

I guess I'll never manage to fathom.

And now I'm going to have that awful feeling.

Where she's eating away at me inside,

invading every thought in my head
every minute of the day.

Face it, you know,

there aren't too many people out there who are
going to take on a major basket case like you.

It's like it was such a little thing, surely.

Why did you have to go and blow it like that?

ALICE: Maybe he had the right idea after all.

Doesn't seem to matter who does what,
we're all punished for it in the end.

God, he was such an athlete as well,
by the look of him.

I probably missed out
on the experience of a lifetime there.

Yes, or he could have snapped my spine.

Anyway, I'm sure it pays
to keep trying different things.

I must remember
to get some more milk tomorrow.

And I think I'm out of eggs.