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1
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With the
all-hands-on-deck
2
00:00:24,360 --> 00:00:27,880
harvest frenzy nearly upon us,
3
00:00:27,920 --> 00:00:31,640
I had to work fast to complete
all the other projects
4
00:00:31,720 --> 00:00:34,080
I'd started earlier in the
farming year.
5
00:00:35,280 --> 00:00:37,760
And so, with the sun continuing
6
00:00:37,760 --> 00:00:40,440
to blaze down from a cloudless
sky,
7
00:00:42,000 --> 00:00:44,640
I decided to begin with what I
thought
8
00:00:44,680 --> 00:00:47,560
would be the coolest job of
them all.
9
00:00:47,600 --> 00:00:50,960
Seven hundred glass bottles.
10
00:00:51,040 --> 00:00:51,960
Helping to set up
11
00:00:52,000 --> 00:00:55,320
our newly-finished water
bottling plant.
12
00:00:55,360 --> 00:00:58,880
This is a speed James May
would call supersonic.
13
00:01:04,640 --> 00:01:05,720
Like your hat.
14
00:01:05,800 --> 00:01:07,120
Groovy, right?
15
00:01:08,880 --> 00:01:11,760
I then discovered
that housing the bottling plant
16
00:01:11,840 --> 00:01:13,680
in a metal shipping container
17
00:01:14,920 --> 00:01:17,080
hadn't been my best idea.
18
00:01:17,160 --> 00:01:18,520
It's too hot for words.
19
00:01:18,560 --> 00:01:19,160
Okay. Hang on.
20
00:01:19,200 --> 00:01:21,040
Let me just show you how it
finishes off.
21
00:01:21,080 --> 00:01:23,920
48.6 degrees at that, at head
height.
22
00:01:24,040 --> 00:01:26,720
-Okay, and then...
-48.6 degrees.
23
00:01:26,800 --> 00:01:29,120
Okay, look, I'm gonna show you
how it kinda works.
24
00:01:29,200 --> 00:01:31,240
There we go. There's two going.
25
00:01:31,320 --> 00:01:33,320
The weight is a little under.
26
00:01:33,400 --> 00:01:35,440
Okay, that one is perfect.
27
00:01:35,520 --> 00:01:39,000
Then you take a cap, Jeremy,
okay?
28
00:01:39,080 --> 00:01:42,280
Screw that on,
keeping an eye on over yonder.
29
00:01:43,080 --> 00:01:45,120
And then you go to the hot box
30
00:01:49,040 --> 00:01:49,920
and go like that
31
00:01:50,000 --> 00:01:52,160
and then you're just
a quick second in here.
32
00:01:52,240 --> 00:01:54,480
-Ooh, is that the labelling?
-Yeah, but I haven't--
33
00:01:54,560 --> 00:01:54,800
There's a bit of--
34
00:01:54,840 --> 00:01:56,680
Oh, look, there we go. That
worked.
35
00:01:56,720 --> 00:01:57,640
-No, it didn't. You've made a
mess.
36
00:01:57,680 --> 00:01:59,040
-I didn't. No, it's perfect.
37
00:01:59,080 --> 00:02:01,200
It's not perfect.
- No--
38
00:02:02,560 --> 00:02:04,520
And then I take it off.
39
00:02:08,760 --> 00:02:10,200
Any more bottles?
40
00:02:13,040 --> 00:02:14,520
Okay, I need some more.
41
00:02:14,600 --> 00:02:18,160
Okay, and then, oh...
oh, okay, that's not good.
42
00:02:18,240 --> 00:02:21,160
Um, and then, sorry. Je--
43
00:02:23,720 --> 00:02:24,800
In your own time.
44
00:02:24,880 --> 00:02:26,040
There, a bottle.
45
00:02:27,800 --> 00:02:30,320
-49.7 degrees.
- It's really hot.
46
00:02:30,400 --> 00:02:31,760
If it reaches 50
degrees,
47
00:02:31,800 --> 00:02:33,360
we're allowed to go on strike.
48
00:02:34,040 --> 00:02:36,800
-It's hot.
-Holy shit!
49
00:02:40,120 --> 00:02:44,000
Finally, though,
England reverted to type.
50
00:03:14,120 --> 00:03:15,400
The end of the drought
51
00:03:15,480 --> 00:03:17,880
was all anyone in the area
could talk about...
52
00:03:19,280 --> 00:03:20,280
I think.
53
00:03:22,040 --> 00:03:22,960
I don't have to
hear about
54
00:03:23,000 --> 00:03:27,640
your one with a bigger...
55
00:03:27,680 --> 00:03:30,160
What have I put me head into
here?
56
00:03:30,240 --> 00:03:34,240
Well, you know, I mean, I've
done... Yeah.
57
00:03:34,320 --> 00:03:36,000
Excellent. All right, thanks,
Gerald.
58
00:03:36,440 --> 00:03:38,240
I went down the side of old
Green Wood
59
00:03:38,280 --> 00:03:40,320
on the old electric fence.
60
00:03:40,360 --> 00:03:42,440
I mean, that was, like,
you know, for horses.
61
00:03:42,520 --> 00:03:43,360
Okay.
62
00:03:43,440 --> 00:03:45,560
So up there, the guinea pig,
two of them there was
63
00:03:45,640 --> 00:03:47,240
and they tried to get out
before I could get in the gate
64
00:03:47,320 --> 00:03:49,880
and I thought, "Oh, my God,
they will be acting the goat."
65
00:03:49,960 --> 00:03:50,800
Yeah.
66
00:03:50,880 --> 00:03:54,280
Well, not at your age
now you wouldn't.
67
00:03:54,360 --> 00:03:56,480
Brilliant. All right.
We'll let you get on.
68
00:03:56,560 --> 00:03:57,440
Okey-dokey.
69
00:03:59,400 --> 00:04:01,600
I then headed for the
farm shop
70
00:04:02,680 --> 00:04:07,480
where Lisa had been hard at work
and finding new things to sell.
71
00:04:09,160 --> 00:04:10,800
It's an actual shop.
72
00:04:10,880 --> 00:04:14,000
I know. Smell the strawberries.
Aren't they delicious?
73
00:04:14,080 --> 00:04:16,200
No, no, no. Don't eat them.
74
00:04:16,280 --> 00:04:18,880
-Oh, they're so good.
-Unless you want to buy them.
75
00:04:18,960 --> 00:04:20,040
And cakes.
76
00:04:20,120 --> 00:04:21,920
Loads of cakes.
77
00:04:22,040 --> 00:04:24,080
Holy cow! It's a proper shop.
78
00:04:24,160 --> 00:04:26,360
Piccalilli, I love piccalilli.
79
00:04:26,440 --> 00:04:28,600
Fruity chutney.
God, we've got everything.
80
00:04:28,640 --> 00:04:31,040
Yes. The milkshakes, I've sold,
81
00:04:31,080 --> 00:04:32,880
and they apparently are
delicious.
82
00:04:32,920 --> 00:04:35,560
-So, we've got cheese,
milkshake...
83
00:04:35,600 --> 00:04:36,360
Cream.
84
00:04:36,440 --> 00:04:40,240
Oh, my word!
85
00:04:40,320 --> 00:04:42,360
We've had a run on the sausages.
86
00:04:42,480 --> 00:04:45,200
Sausages, bacon.
-Yeah, yeah. Sausage rolls.
87
00:04:45,240 --> 00:04:47,120
Rump steak.
-Yep.
88
00:04:47,200 --> 00:04:49,160
Burgers.
God, wait until the camp site.
89
00:04:49,240 --> 00:04:51,000
-You know they're reopening on
the fourth?
90
00:04:51,040 --> 00:04:51,640
-Yes.
91
00:04:51,680 --> 00:04:53,920
Can I... Can I just ask?
92
00:04:56,320 --> 00:04:57,600
Simple question.
93
00:04:57,680 --> 00:04:59,320
You know the planning permission
94
00:04:59,360 --> 00:05:02,000
says everything has to come
from within 30 miles?
95
00:05:02,080 --> 00:05:02,920
Yes.
96
00:05:03,000 --> 00:05:05,760
That it has to be a local shop
for local people?
97
00:05:05,800 --> 00:05:06,720
Yes.
98
00:05:08,360 --> 00:05:10,440
Is this a Cotswold pineapple?
99
00:05:10,520 --> 00:05:13,640
No. No, but I was low on stock.
100
00:05:13,720 --> 00:05:15,880
-Oh, and these avocados.
-Yes.
101
00:05:15,920 --> 00:05:18,800
Again, not that local.
102
00:05:18,880 --> 00:05:21,480
No. Well, they came
from one of the shires.
103
00:05:21,560 --> 00:05:24,120
-I'm not sure which one.
-You know, eating two of these--
104
00:05:24,200 --> 00:05:27,120
They don't come from a shire,
they come from South America.
105
00:05:27,200 --> 00:05:28,040
Shire.
106
00:05:28,120 --> 00:05:30,600
Eating two of these
does more environmental damage
107
00:05:30,680 --> 00:05:32,960
than driving a Volkswagen Polo
for a year.
108
00:05:33,040 --> 00:05:33,920
No way!
109
00:05:34,720 --> 00:05:37,760
That's bad. I'm not gonna
stock avocado anymore.
110
00:05:37,840 --> 00:05:41,440
So, apart from those eggs,
111
00:05:41,520 --> 00:05:43,360
okay, there's nothing in here
112
00:05:43,400 --> 00:05:46,840
that I can see which is from
our farm.
113
00:05:47,880 --> 00:05:50,320
Well, meet me halfway.
Give me anything.
114
00:05:50,400 --> 00:05:53,080
-Grow something, make something.
-I am growing things.
115
00:05:53,160 --> 00:05:55,520
Do something.
I've nothing in here from you.
116
00:05:56,240 --> 00:05:59,600
At that moment,
His Cheerfulness arrived.
117
00:05:59,680 --> 00:06:01,720
Hello.
-Hey, Charlie.
118
00:06:01,800 --> 00:06:03,240
Charlie.
119
00:06:03,320 --> 00:06:05,720
Wow! This looks absolutely
fantastic.
120
00:06:05,800 --> 00:06:06,840
It's good, isn't it?
121
00:06:06,920 --> 00:06:09,720
Well, just 'cause Lisa's done
something, you like it?
122
00:06:09,800 --> 00:06:11,520
No.
-That's what it is.
123
00:06:11,600 --> 00:06:13,720
It looks... genuinely looks
smart, doesn't it?
124
00:06:13,800 --> 00:06:16,000
Uh, how local are the
pineapples?
125
00:06:16,080 --> 00:06:17,320
Cotswold pineapples.
126
00:06:17,400 --> 00:06:19,480
Are they really? Avocados?
127
00:06:19,560 --> 00:06:20,560
Cotswold.
128
00:06:21,520 --> 00:06:23,720
And... and what about
margins? Have we--
129
00:06:23,800 --> 00:06:25,920
We haven't really done a
budget, have we?
130
00:06:25,960 --> 00:06:26,600
I like budget.
131
00:06:26,640 --> 00:06:27,840
-You know how I like--
- I know.
132
00:06:27,920 --> 00:06:28,960
I like to know that the bottom
figure doesn't have...
133
00:06:29,000 --> 00:06:31,400
-I'm working on about 40%.
-Okay.
134
00:06:31,480 --> 00:06:33,000
It's 40% on everything?
135
00:06:33,080 --> 00:06:35,160
More or less.
-Okay.
136
00:06:36,360 --> 00:06:37,760
Ever the gentleman,
137
00:06:37,840 --> 00:06:42,320
Charlie then had a quiet word
with me out of Lisa's earshot.
138
00:06:42,400 --> 00:06:44,400
So, just on pricing,
139
00:06:45,880 --> 00:06:47,680
-with a 40% markup...
-Yeah.
140
00:06:49,200 --> 00:06:53,120
Wholesale price of strawberries
£2.80,
141
00:06:54,640 --> 00:06:57,400
sold for £3.50, 70p.
142
00:06:58,600 --> 00:07:00,000
It's 25%.
143
00:07:00,080 --> 00:07:01,640
That's Lisa's maths.
144
00:07:01,720 --> 00:07:04,880
So we ought to just-- I'm not
blaming--
145
00:07:04,960 --> 00:07:05,840
I didn't know.
146
00:07:05,920 --> 00:07:06,720
No, I'm just saying
147
00:07:06,760 --> 00:07:09,000
that they learn differently in
Dublin.
148
00:07:09,040 --> 00:07:10,160
-Maths.
149
00:07:10,240 --> 00:07:11,920
Well, we just need to check
that we've got
150
00:07:11,960 --> 00:07:12,720
appropriate prices for
everything.
151
00:07:12,760 --> 00:07:13,600
Okay.
152
00:07:16,120 --> 00:07:17,960
On the subject of
Lisa's plea
153
00:07:18,000 --> 00:07:19,560
for more farm produce,
154
00:07:19,600 --> 00:07:21,240
there was something I could do,
155
00:07:22,240 --> 00:07:25,160
because my quarter of a million
bees
156
00:07:25,200 --> 00:07:28,240
had had enough time to make
some honey.
157
00:07:34,160 --> 00:07:35,840
Burn, baby, burn!
158
00:07:40,200 --> 00:07:42,280
I'll have no biting from you
today.
159
00:07:43,000 --> 00:07:44,040
Here we go.
160
00:07:44,960 --> 00:07:47,120
When I got stung last time I
was here,
161
00:07:47,160 --> 00:07:49,280
my foot throbbed for four days.
162
00:07:49,320 --> 00:07:50,560
I mean, really throbbed.
163
00:07:50,640 --> 00:07:52,640
And then itched so violently
164
00:07:52,680 --> 00:07:55,080
I wanted to saw it off, my
whole foot.
165
00:07:55,800 --> 00:07:58,560
Here we go. Look at all that
bee juice.
166
00:07:59,960 --> 00:08:03,000
Holy Mother of God, that's a
lot of honey.
167
00:08:05,600 --> 00:08:06,720
Excellent.
168
00:08:06,800 --> 00:08:08,720
Oh! So exciting.
169
00:08:11,000 --> 00:08:12,080
I've just thought.
170
00:08:13,640 --> 00:08:16,160
I'm going to be
driving back
171
00:08:16,240 --> 00:08:19,000
and all the loose bees
are going to go in the car.
172
00:08:20,480 --> 00:08:22,800
Yeah, not much I can do about
that.
173
00:08:22,880 --> 00:08:23,720
Oh, shit!
174
00:08:23,800 --> 00:08:25,560
Oh, Christ!
175
00:08:25,640 --> 00:08:27,640
I've got one in my suit.
176
00:08:27,720 --> 00:08:29,600
How the fucking hell's that
happened?
177
00:08:29,680 --> 00:08:30,520
Argh!
178
00:08:30,600 --> 00:08:33,200
And it's stung me
right in the arse cheeks.
179
00:08:33,280 --> 00:08:36,080
Oh, this really, this is bad.
180
00:08:36,160 --> 00:08:37,120
Agh!
181
00:08:39,480 --> 00:08:41,720
Having taken a brave pill,
182
00:08:41,760 --> 00:08:43,520
I stacked up the remaining trays
183
00:08:43,600 --> 00:08:47,280
and set off with my unwanted
passengers.
184
00:08:48,360 --> 00:08:50,000
Oh, I can hear them. Listen.
185
00:08:50,080 --> 00:08:52,360
How can it be legal to drive
186
00:08:52,400 --> 00:08:55,160
with a beehive in the back of
your car?
187
00:08:57,760 --> 00:09:01,640
Agh, I can feel that buttock
growing a third buttock.
188
00:09:05,760 --> 00:09:07,160
Worst journey of my life.
189
00:09:08,520 --> 00:09:09,760
Talk among yourselves.
190
00:09:10,960 --> 00:09:14,040
I am just applying Wasp-Eze
to my own arse crack,
191
00:09:14,120 --> 00:09:15,600
'cause the crew won't do it.
192
00:09:16,080 --> 00:09:18,200
I just don't believe this.
193
00:09:18,280 --> 00:09:19,760
A lot of bees there.
194
00:09:23,280 --> 00:09:25,760
With my third buttock now
numbed,
195
00:09:25,760 --> 00:09:28,440
I started to sort out my bee
juice.
196
00:09:30,440 --> 00:09:32,760
Look at this. Look at that.
197
00:09:32,880 --> 00:09:35,600
A slab of beeswax, which could
be used
198
00:09:35,640 --> 00:09:38,000
as furniture polish, floor
polish.
199
00:09:38,040 --> 00:09:41,040
Percussionists use it to make
tambourines
200
00:09:41,080 --> 00:09:41,720
make a better sound.
201
00:09:41,760 --> 00:09:43,440
It's used in accordions.
202
00:09:44,360 --> 00:09:46,160
Madame Tussauds, they made
203
00:09:46,200 --> 00:09:49,240
all their waxwork models out of
beeswax.
204
00:09:49,280 --> 00:09:51,600
The wax, in the olden days,
205
00:09:51,640 --> 00:09:55,320
used to sell for 14 times more
money than the honey did.
206
00:09:58,240 --> 00:10:01,080
My next task was to extract the
honey
207
00:10:01,120 --> 00:10:03,320
using something called a
spinner.
208
00:10:04,280 --> 00:10:05,360
Look at this.
209
00:10:06,400 --> 00:10:09,120
The important thing here is to
be gentle,
210
00:10:09,200 --> 00:10:12,640
so you get the honey
without damaging the honeycombs.
211
00:10:16,080 --> 00:10:19,320
This is all honey down in here.
All honey.
212
00:10:21,120 --> 00:10:21,960
Um...
213
00:10:22,520 --> 00:10:24,400
Oh, God, look what's happened
here.
214
00:10:27,880 --> 00:10:30,520
But, despite the damage...
215
00:10:30,640 --> 00:10:32,400
Look, look, look, look, look,
look!
216
00:10:37,000 --> 00:10:39,240
My first jar of bee juice.
217
00:10:44,640 --> 00:10:48,200
The next day,
with the honey all packaged up,
218
00:10:48,280 --> 00:10:50,520
I picked some of my vegetables.
219
00:10:51,080 --> 00:10:52,000
Look at this.
220
00:10:52,080 --> 00:10:54,640
Whoa! That is vivid.
221
00:10:55,520 --> 00:10:56,960
And then, laden down
222
00:10:57,000 --> 00:11:00,000
with actual produce from my own
farm,
223
00:11:00,040 --> 00:11:02,000
I proudly headed to the shop.
224
00:11:03,600 --> 00:11:04,440
Oh, wow!
225
00:11:04,520 --> 00:11:06,640
Right, so that's the first
batch of honey.
226
00:11:06,720 --> 00:11:08,680
I've got more coming later. And
then...
227
00:11:08,760 --> 00:11:10,080
Oh, wow, how did you do this?
228
00:11:10,160 --> 00:11:11,200
Chard?
229
00:11:11,280 --> 00:11:15,400
Oh, you've brought it in a bag
from our closest competition.
230
00:11:15,480 --> 00:11:17,120
Oh, God, I have.
231
00:11:17,200 --> 00:11:18,880
It's a very fine
food shop
232
00:11:18,920 --> 00:11:20,840
half a mile down the road.
233
00:11:20,880 --> 00:11:21,840
The honey is fantastic.
234
00:11:21,880 --> 00:11:23,440
How much do you want to sell it
for?
235
00:11:23,480 --> 00:11:25,760
Well, I saw in Daylesford the
other day,
236
00:11:25,800 --> 00:11:27,840
half that was £20.
237
00:11:27,880 --> 00:11:28,760
Half that?
238
00:11:28,840 --> 00:11:32,600
And it was £20.
I think you can easily go...
239
00:11:32,680 --> 00:11:34,640
-£7?
-For those-- No, more.
240
00:11:34,720 --> 00:11:35,920
-Really?
-Yeah, more.
241
00:11:36,000 --> 00:11:37,360
I've worked bloody hard for
that.
242
00:11:37,400 --> 00:11:38,800
I've been stung twice.
243
00:11:38,840 --> 00:11:40,640
I'm not selling it for £7.
244
00:11:40,720 --> 00:11:41,640
£10.
245
00:11:41,720 --> 00:11:42,800
-£8.50.
-They stung--
246
00:11:42,880 --> 00:11:43,880
No.
247
00:11:43,960 --> 00:11:45,200
Sorry, are we holding you up?
248
00:11:45,280 --> 00:11:46,760
Sorry, there's a customer.
249
00:11:48,560 --> 00:11:51,400
Then the price issue got even
worse.
250
00:11:53,560 --> 00:11:54,680
A lady's just come in.
251
00:11:54,760 --> 00:11:55,000
She said,
252
00:11:55,040 --> 00:11:57,040
"Well, I'll give you £6.50
for it,"
253
00:11:57,080 --> 00:11:58,320
and Lisa said "Fine."
254
00:12:00,160 --> 00:12:03,200
She just happened to capitalize
on an argument
255
00:12:03,280 --> 00:12:06,480
and now she's getting
that honey for £6.50.
256
00:12:06,560 --> 00:12:08,440
Yeah. They arrived in this
morning.
257
00:12:08,960 --> 00:12:12,000
It's just, this isn't how Asda
is run.
258
00:12:12,080 --> 00:12:15,640
They don't ask the customers
how much they'd like to pay.
259
00:12:15,720 --> 00:12:17,440
-Yep.
- Do you take cards?
260
00:12:17,520 --> 00:12:19,200
We do. Only cards now.
261
00:12:19,280 --> 00:12:20,160
Oh!
262
00:12:20,200 --> 00:12:21,920
Yes. Um, if you'd
like...
263
00:12:21,960 --> 00:12:23,960
Whilst I was having a
sulk,
264
00:12:24,000 --> 00:12:26,040
Kaleb arrived in his new toy.
265
00:12:27,080 --> 00:12:28,840
Oh, look at this.
266
00:12:34,840 --> 00:12:36,200
That's actually very cool
267
00:12:36,240 --> 00:12:38,280
and I just heard you go by
earlier.
268
00:12:39,320 --> 00:12:41,720
-It does make a good sound.
-It's nice, isn't it?
269
00:12:42,640 --> 00:12:43,480
Nice.
270
00:12:43,560 --> 00:12:46,600
So, this was your styling then,
the black bonnet, black roof?
271
00:12:46,680 --> 00:12:48,560
Yeah, black bonnet,
black roof, black spoiler.
272
00:12:48,640 --> 00:12:50,560
I bought the new spoiler for it.
273
00:12:50,640 --> 00:12:52,560
-I had the windows tinted as
well.
274
00:12:52,600 --> 00:12:53,560
-Of course you did.
275
00:12:53,600 --> 00:12:57,120
So, basically, when I bought it,
two days after having it,
276
00:12:57,200 --> 00:12:59,640
driving out of Long Com
at 60 miles an hour,
277
00:12:59,720 --> 00:13:01,960
this comes up like that, folds
over that.
278
00:13:02,000 --> 00:13:03,120
That bit here was bent in.
279
00:13:03,160 --> 00:13:04,080
What, the roof?
280
00:13:04,160 --> 00:13:07,280
Yeah, the roof was about that
far from my head in the cab.
281
00:13:07,360 --> 00:13:09,560
-What, just from the bonnet?
-From the bonnet.
282
00:13:09,640 --> 00:13:11,320
Why did the bonnet catch give
up?
283
00:13:11,400 --> 00:13:13,200
Because apparently it's a thing
284
00:13:13,240 --> 00:13:14,480
you've got to look out for on
these.
285
00:13:14,520 --> 00:13:15,360
They rust away.
286
00:13:15,440 --> 00:13:17,040
And this is your first
proper car, isn't it?
287
00:13:17,120 --> 00:13:19,320
It's my proper dream.
This is my dream car, this,
288
00:13:19,400 --> 00:13:20,400
ever since I was a kid.
289
00:13:20,480 --> 00:13:21,880
-What, you wanted a 350?
-A 350.
290
00:13:21,960 --> 00:13:25,200
My only slight concern
is this is a GT car.
291
00:13:25,280 --> 00:13:26,840
-A Grand Tourer.
-Yeah.
292
00:13:26,920 --> 00:13:28,280
A long-distance car.
293
00:13:28,360 --> 00:13:30,680
But since you never go
further than three miles
294
00:13:30,760 --> 00:13:32,360
from where we're standing now...
295
00:13:32,440 --> 00:13:33,400
Yeah.
296
00:13:33,480 --> 00:13:34,960
-Where's the furthest you've
been in it?
297
00:13:35,000 --> 00:13:36,200
-Um, Banbury.
298
00:13:36,240 --> 00:13:39,120
-Ooh, 12 miles.
-Twelve miles. That's it.
299
00:13:39,200 --> 00:13:40,840
What, and then you got scared?
300
00:13:40,920 --> 00:13:41,920
Then come home.
301
00:13:42,000 --> 00:13:43,760
Also. Are you wearing a
hairband?
302
00:13:43,840 --> 00:13:46,640
Yeah. A hairband to keep my hair
out of my face.
303
00:13:46,720 --> 00:13:48,000
Is that because
304
00:13:48,080 --> 00:13:50,480
-you haven't had a haircut for--
-Yeah, for ages.
305
00:13:50,560 --> 00:13:52,760
On the 27th, though,
I'm getting it permed.
306
00:13:53,720 --> 00:13:56,200
You're going to drive around in
this car with a perm?
307
00:13:56,280 --> 00:13:57,200
Yep.
308
00:13:57,680 --> 00:13:59,800
-Watch out, Chippy!
309
00:14:10,960 --> 00:14:12,920
After Vidal Sassoon
had left,
310
00:14:13,000 --> 00:14:16,640
I went into the woods
to see my wasabi plants,
311
00:14:16,720 --> 00:14:21,640
which I'd decided were now ready
to be turned into cash.
312
00:14:23,280 --> 00:14:28,200
Sadly, though, the recent
heatwave had taken its toll.
313
00:14:30,680 --> 00:14:32,480
Um, as you can see,
314
00:14:32,560 --> 00:14:35,040
everything I've planted
at this end of the bed
315
00:14:35,120 --> 00:14:38,520
has not just died,
but totally disappeared.
316
00:14:38,600 --> 00:14:41,040
It's got 27 plants,
317
00:14:41,120 --> 00:14:45,040
which means 73 have died.
318
00:14:45,120 --> 00:14:47,320
This end, where there's still
319
00:14:47,360 --> 00:14:49,640
quite a lot of water coming
through,
320
00:14:49,680 --> 00:14:51,920
things aren't too bad, though.
321
00:14:54,960 --> 00:14:56,120
Oh, yes!
322
00:14:56,960 --> 00:14:58,440
Look at him.
323
00:14:58,520 --> 00:15:00,840
Hello, look at the size of him!
324
00:15:01,880 --> 00:15:02,560
The good thing is,
325
00:15:02,600 --> 00:15:04,320
all the restaurants recently
re-opened
326
00:15:04,360 --> 00:15:06,480
and the chancellor is even
paying people
327
00:15:06,520 --> 00:15:08,560
to go and eat in them,
328
00:15:08,600 --> 00:15:11,560
so I can get that down to
London,
329
00:15:11,640 --> 00:15:14,320
get it into some Japanese
restaurant
330
00:15:14,400 --> 00:15:16,320
and they'll be amazed.
331
00:15:17,840 --> 00:15:19,680
Because I was so busy,
332
00:15:19,760 --> 00:15:22,800
obviously I couldn't spare the
time to go to London.
333
00:15:23,400 --> 00:15:26,880
But, luckily, I knew just the
man for the job.
334
00:15:31,000 --> 00:15:35,320
He'd only been to the capital
once, on a school art trip,
335
00:15:35,400 --> 00:15:36,960
and he'd been so scared
336
00:15:37,000 --> 00:15:40,080
he hadn't dared get off the
coach.
337
00:15:40,120 --> 00:15:42,800
But he's all grown up now and,
at the very least,
338
00:15:42,880 --> 00:15:44,160
I figured the trip would give
him
339
00:15:44,200 --> 00:15:47,160
an opportunity to drive his new
car.
340
00:15:48,960 --> 00:15:50,080
But no.
341
00:15:55,160 --> 00:15:57,160
A few things you're gonna need
to know.
342
00:15:57,240 --> 00:15:59,040
Have you got your ULEV?
343
00:15:59,120 --> 00:15:59,960
What's that?
344
00:16:00,040 --> 00:16:01,320
Ultra-low emission.
345
00:16:01,400 --> 00:16:03,560
That diesel engine
was made before 2015, yeah?
346
00:16:03,640 --> 00:16:04,480
Yeah.
347
00:16:04,560 --> 00:16:06,920
So, you're gonna need to pay
that congestion charge.
348
00:16:07,000 --> 00:16:10,240
You're gonna need at least 15
apps for your parking,
349
00:16:10,320 --> 00:16:11,680
for all the different companies.
350
00:16:11,760 --> 00:16:14,840
And every single thing
you can do in the countryside
351
00:16:14,920 --> 00:16:16,200
you can't do in London.
352
00:16:16,280 --> 00:16:19,920
If you get stabbed, right,
they won't have that on CCTV.
353
00:16:20,000 --> 00:16:21,720
You make a cheeky left, they
will.
354
00:16:21,800 --> 00:16:23,160
How the fuck do I pay
355
00:16:23,200 --> 00:16:24,640
an ingestion charge and stuff
like that?
356
00:16:24,680 --> 00:16:26,240
-What is that about?
-You make a call.
357
00:16:26,320 --> 00:16:27,160
I can't just-- Why can't I...
358
00:16:27,240 --> 00:16:28,440
But don't make a call
while you're driving.
359
00:16:28,520 --> 00:16:29,560
Why would you do that, then?
360
00:16:29,640 --> 00:16:31,120
Or you can do it on an app,
361
00:16:31,160 --> 00:16:32,760
and the ULEV as well. Don't
forget that.
362
00:16:32,800 --> 00:16:35,040
It's about 28 quid
to drive into London in this.
363
00:16:35,120 --> 00:16:36,360
Well, it's free round here.
364
00:16:36,440 --> 00:16:37,920
Yes, I know everything's free
around here.
365
00:16:38,000 --> 00:16:38,640
Every single thing
366
00:16:38,680 --> 00:16:40,160
you can do around here,
everything,
367
00:16:40,200 --> 00:16:41,440
you can't do in London.
368
00:16:41,520 --> 00:16:44,920
I think we've got the jobs
a little bit wrong today.
369
00:16:45,000 --> 00:16:47,480
Go to London, sell wasabi.
370
00:16:47,560 --> 00:16:48,760
Don't take less than £300
371
00:16:48,800 --> 00:16:50,280
and I'll see you back here
tonight.
372
00:16:50,320 --> 00:16:52,680
-£300 per kg?
-Yeah.
373
00:16:52,760 --> 00:16:54,680
-All right.
-It's valuable.
374
00:16:54,760 --> 00:16:56,160
See you tonight.
375
00:16:56,240 --> 00:16:57,320
Yeah.
376
00:16:58,000 --> 00:16:59,720
He's genuinely nervous.
377
00:17:01,560 --> 00:17:02,760
In 100 yards,
378
00:17:02,800 --> 00:17:05,080
turn left onto Church Road.
379
00:17:05,120 --> 00:17:08,200
This route avoids congestion
on A40 in London.
380
00:17:08,280 --> 00:17:12,040
You are on the fastest route.
You will arrive at 9:29 a.m.
381
00:17:12,080 --> 00:17:13,760
What?
382
00:17:13,800 --> 00:17:17,680
There ain't congest--
congestion. I'm in Chadlington.
383
00:17:20,200 --> 00:17:21,880
-One mile.
384
00:17:23,560 --> 00:17:24,920
One mile for what?
385
00:17:25,880 --> 00:17:27,280
All right, here we go.
386
00:17:27,320 --> 00:17:31,560
I am officially leaving
Chadlington.
387
00:17:35,080 --> 00:17:36,640
My palms are really sweaty.
388
00:17:37,640 --> 00:17:39,040
Like, really sweaty.
389
00:17:44,320 --> 00:17:46,200
Going on the motorway? Eh?
390
00:17:47,320 --> 00:17:49,880
Right, here we go.
391
00:17:50,640 --> 00:17:53,480
-Continue on the M40 for 27
miles.
392
00:17:53,520 --> 00:17:55,520
M40 for 27 miles?
393
00:17:56,800 --> 00:17:58,160
Jeez!
394
00:17:58,240 --> 00:17:59,960
If Kaleb thought
things were
395
00:18:00,000 --> 00:18:02,640
bad for him, they were worse
for me...
396
00:18:05,000 --> 00:18:06,960
...as this is the time of year
397
00:18:07,000 --> 00:18:09,560
when farmers apply for their
grants.
398
00:18:10,560 --> 00:18:12,880
This meant I had to tell the
government
399
00:18:12,920 --> 00:18:14,880
exactly what I was growing.
400
00:18:15,960 --> 00:18:17,720
That meant paperwork.
401
00:18:19,560 --> 00:18:21,080
I've been looking forward to
today,
402
00:18:21,080 --> 00:18:22,720
'cause I love form-filling.
403
00:18:22,760 --> 00:18:23,720
Yeah, yeah, it's quite
404
00:18:23,760 --> 00:18:26,200
a useful few hours, because,
um...
405
00:18:26,240 --> 00:18:27,280
Hours?
406
00:18:27,320 --> 00:18:28,960
-Yeah.
- So, this form...
407
00:18:29,040 --> 00:18:29,880
Yeah.
408
00:18:29,960 --> 00:18:33,320
...which is hundreds of pages
long...
409
00:18:33,440 --> 00:18:34,920
It's 22 pages long.
410
00:18:35,000 --> 00:18:38,800
I've got better things to do
with my time than this.
411
00:18:38,880 --> 00:18:41,320
-But it's... We've got--
-How much do they pay?
412
00:18:41,440 --> 00:18:42,760
Because whatever it is,
413
00:18:42,800 --> 00:18:45,040
I'd rather pay it myself
than fill in a form.
414
00:18:45,080 --> 00:18:46,320
Really?
415
00:18:46,400 --> 00:18:48,080
-360 hectares you have...
-Yeah.
416
00:18:48,200 --> 00:18:50,920
...and they'll pay you £220.
So that's £82,000.
417
00:18:51,000 --> 00:18:52,480
Right, I'll fill in the form.
418
00:18:52,560 --> 00:18:53,160
So, the first thing we'll need
419
00:18:53,200 --> 00:18:55,760
is a farm map. So, there's the
map.
420
00:18:55,800 --> 00:18:57,160
And there are certain codes.
421
00:18:57,200 --> 00:18:59,640
So, you see that that there
says...
422
00:18:59,680 --> 00:19:02,000
AC66.
-So that's wheat.
423
00:19:02,080 --> 00:19:02,960
Why is it wheat?
424
00:19:03,040 --> 00:19:05,280
Because that's the code for
wheat, Jeremy.
425
00:19:05,320 --> 00:19:07,280
-What's AC17?
-Maize.
426
00:19:07,320 --> 00:19:09,800
-What's PG01?
-Permanent grass.
427
00:19:09,880 --> 00:19:12,560
-What's WO25?
-Those are woodlands.
428
00:19:12,640 --> 00:19:14,520
Have you ever flown
into a really, sort of,
429
00:19:14,560 --> 00:19:16,320
let's say developing world
country
430
00:19:16,440 --> 00:19:18,960
and they give you a massively
complicated immigration form?
431
00:19:19,040 --> 00:19:21,920
-Burma, for example.
-No.
432
00:19:22,000 --> 00:19:25,440
And you know when you fill this
in, which takes an hour...
433
00:19:25,520 --> 00:19:28,200
or Cambodia... they put it in
the bin.
434
00:19:28,280 --> 00:19:30,000
That's what going-- We are--
435
00:19:30,080 --> 00:19:31,800
This is developing world
nonsense, this is.
436
00:19:31,920 --> 00:19:32,800
So...
437
00:19:32,880 --> 00:19:34,240
Right, so there's how
many fields
438
00:19:34,280 --> 00:19:36,080
on the farm? I've forgotten.
439
00:19:36,160 --> 00:19:38,280
Uh, there's about 42.
So, there's Dead Man.
440
00:19:38,320 --> 00:19:39,400
-Yeah.
-So...
441
00:19:39,480 --> 00:19:41,760
-So, we have to go...
-That's got wheat in it.
442
00:19:41,800 --> 00:19:44,560
Yes, but it's got last year's
crop in it at the moment,
443
00:19:44,640 --> 00:19:46,920
which was oil seed rape.
So, we have to go through this.
444
00:19:47,000 --> 00:19:47,920
But it's got wheat in it.
445
00:19:48,000 --> 00:19:50,880
Yes, but as far as the
government are concerned...
446
00:19:50,960 --> 00:19:51,640
Well, it hasn't. It's got--
447
00:19:51,680 --> 00:19:53,720
I know it's got wheat in it.
I've seen it.
448
00:19:53,760 --> 00:19:55,200
They don't know that yet.
449
00:19:55,280 --> 00:19:57,800
You have to be accurate,
Jeremy, about...
450
00:20:00,440 --> 00:20:02,200
Meanwhile, 70 miles
away,
451
00:20:02,280 --> 00:20:04,320
Sir Ranulph had finally arrived
452
00:20:04,400 --> 00:20:07,720
in the center of a COVID-quiet
London.
453
00:20:07,760 --> 00:20:09,480
Not that he saw it that way.
454
00:20:12,320 --> 00:20:13,440
Where am I?
455
00:20:14,240 --> 00:20:16,800
In there, in here? What is
going on?
456
00:20:17,800 --> 00:20:18,880
In 100
yards,
457
00:20:18,920 --> 00:20:20,960
use the second from the left
lane
458
00:20:21,000 --> 00:20:22,480
to turn left onto Piccadilly.
459
00:20:22,560 --> 00:20:24,480
Then use the second from the
left lane
460
00:20:24,560 --> 00:20:27,400
to turn slightly right
onto Duke of Wellington Place.
461
00:20:27,480 --> 00:20:30,440
What? No, not a chance in hell.
I'm going straight on.
462
00:20:30,520 --> 00:20:32,800
-At the roundabout turn left.
463
00:20:32,880 --> 00:20:34,640
Turn left onto Constitution
Hill.
464
00:20:35,000 --> 00:20:36,760
-Take the first
left on the roundabout.
465
00:20:36,800 --> 00:20:38,960
I don't understand. Don't keep
telling me to turn left!
466
00:20:39,320 --> 00:20:40,560
-Turn right into Grosvenor
Place.
467
00:20:40,640 --> 00:20:42,400
-What are you beeping me at?
468
00:20:42,440 --> 00:20:44,640
Dickhead!
469
00:20:44,680 --> 00:20:46,720
Hello. Just cut right in front
of me, why don't you?
470
00:20:46,800 --> 00:20:48,160
-From the right lane,
471
00:20:48,240 --> 00:20:49,800
turn slightly right onto
Piccadilly,
472
00:20:49,880 --> 00:20:50,960
then use the left two lanes
473
00:20:51,000 --> 00:20:52,720
to turn left to stay on
Piccadilly.
474
00:20:52,760 --> 00:20:56,200
What? No, no, no, no. I need to
go there.
475
00:20:57,640 --> 00:20:58,640
Sorry, friend.
476
00:20:58,720 --> 00:21:01,480
Congestion charge. Jesus!
477
00:21:01,560 --> 00:21:02,800
Ultra-low.
478
00:21:02,880 --> 00:21:06,880
-Turn left onto Old Park Lane.
479
00:21:06,960 --> 00:21:09,880
Great. No left turning.
Ah, you're fucking having me on!
480
00:21:09,960 --> 00:21:13,040
I'm meant to go left down there.
I've got to go left here.
481
00:21:15,440 --> 00:21:18,200
I am looking for a restaurant
called Nero.
482
00:21:19,680 --> 00:21:21,320
Nero, Naro,
483
00:21:22,200 --> 00:21:24,320
Nero, Noro, Naro.
484
00:21:24,440 --> 00:21:25,800
Eventually, Kaleb found
485
00:21:25,880 --> 00:21:27,920
the restaurant he was looking
for.
486
00:21:30,040 --> 00:21:31,960
All right, where do I park?
Come on, park.
487
00:21:35,080 --> 00:21:36,440
Pay by phone.
488
00:21:37,040 --> 00:21:41,800
027125.
489
00:21:41,880 --> 00:21:42,720
Sorry.
490
00:21:42,760 --> 00:21:44,920
We're unable to park you in
this location
491
00:21:44,960 --> 00:21:47,560
as its restrictions
do not allow your vehicle type.
492
00:21:47,680 --> 00:21:50,800
Please look for alternative
parking locations nearby.
493
00:21:50,920 --> 00:21:51,560
Thank you for calling
494
00:21:51,560 --> 00:21:53,720
Westminster's pay-to-park
service.
495
00:21:53,760 --> 00:21:55,560
To find out more available ways
to pay,
496
00:21:55,560 --> 00:21:57,360
change your card or vehicle
details...
497
00:21:57,400 --> 00:21:58,400
What is going on?
498
00:21:58,480 --> 00:21:59,880
...or download VAT receipts.
499
00:21:59,960 --> 00:22:01,840
Please visit www...
500
00:22:06,120 --> 00:22:08,280
Enter your card's expiry date
501
00:22:08,360 --> 00:22:10,840
exactly as printed
on the front of the card.
502
00:22:10,920 --> 00:22:13,440
To find out more
about alternative ways to pay,
503
00:22:13,520 --> 00:22:15,880
change your card or vehicle
details or...
504
00:22:15,960 --> 00:22:16,880
Shut up.
505
00:22:17,880 --> 00:22:18,760
Right.
506
00:22:20,200 --> 00:22:21,480
That's that done.
507
00:22:21,560 --> 00:22:24,320
Ten quid just to park here for
an hour.
508
00:22:24,400 --> 00:22:25,480
Hello.
509
00:22:28,120 --> 00:22:30,360
What are you doing?
510
00:22:30,440 --> 00:22:32,040
Trying to open the door.
511
00:22:32,680 --> 00:22:33,720
Why?
512
00:22:34,480 --> 00:22:37,280
I haven't got any gloves and
it's London.
513
00:22:37,360 --> 00:22:38,560
How are you doing? Are you all
right?
514
00:22:38,600 --> 00:22:40,560
I've got some wasabi for you...
515
00:22:40,600 --> 00:22:41,960
-Oh, la, la, la, la, la.
-...off the farm.
516
00:22:42,040 --> 00:22:42,880
Yep.
517
00:22:42,960 --> 00:22:43,880
So...
518
00:22:50,880 --> 00:22:52,160
Jesus!
519
00:22:52,200 --> 00:22:53,680
Have you tried your
wasabi?
520
00:22:53,720 --> 00:22:55,920
-To eat?
-Yeah, yeah, yeah. Nice.
521
00:22:56,000 --> 00:22:58,280
I like it. I didn't have it
on any fish, mind.
522
00:22:58,360 --> 00:23:01,040
I had it on, like, a ready
salted crisp.
523
00:23:01,120 --> 00:23:02,240
Yeah.
524
00:23:02,320 --> 00:23:04,240
I'm more like a roast dinner
chap, you know?
525
00:23:04,320 --> 00:23:06,120
-Mm-hmm.
-A proper roast dinner.
526
00:23:06,200 --> 00:23:09,280
Well, we try, yeah, your wasabi.
527
00:23:09,360 --> 00:23:12,360
Nice, like, creamy. I can smell.
528
00:23:14,680 --> 00:23:17,000
Nice one, nice one. Very good,
very good.
529
00:23:17,080 --> 00:23:18,800
And do you want to buy the
wasabi?
530
00:23:20,000 --> 00:23:21,560
Are you interested in--
531
00:23:21,640 --> 00:23:23,600
Not too much. Not too much.
532
00:23:23,680 --> 00:23:24,360
If you look at it, though,
533
00:23:24,400 --> 00:23:27,240
it's top-quality Chadlington
wasabi, that.
534
00:23:27,280 --> 00:23:30,080
Quality good, right.
535
00:23:30,160 --> 00:23:32,160
But the wastage, there's so
536
00:23:32,200 --> 00:23:33,920
much wastage
because of the size.
537
00:23:33,960 --> 00:23:34,800
Yeah.
538
00:23:34,880 --> 00:23:36,160
So, we need to have,
like, a bigger
539
00:23:36,200 --> 00:23:37,880
size, otherwise, like, too much.
540
00:23:37,920 --> 00:23:39,440
-Too much waste?
- Yeah.
541
00:23:39,520 --> 00:23:40,920
Ah, right. Okey-dokey.
542
00:23:41,000 --> 00:23:42,680
-Well, thank you very much for
everything.
543
00:23:42,720 --> 00:23:43,760
-Thank you very much.
544
00:23:43,800 --> 00:23:45,520
-I'll try my best to grow a
bigger one.
545
00:23:45,560 --> 00:23:46,600
-Good stuff.
546
00:23:50,320 --> 00:23:51,400
Oh, no!
547
00:23:57,800 --> 00:23:59,280
Sixty-five quid?
548
00:24:01,160 --> 00:24:03,120
Full charge 130 quid?
549
00:24:06,960 --> 00:24:08,000
Oh!
550
00:24:10,320 --> 00:24:10,960
With Kaleb
551
00:24:11,000 --> 00:24:13,240
losing the profits he
hadn't made,
552
00:24:13,960 --> 00:24:18,680
I was busy regretting planting
so many different vegetables.
553
00:24:18,760 --> 00:24:22,520
Broad beans, beetroots,
chard, peas, swede,
554
00:24:22,600 --> 00:24:25,520
kohlrabi, turnip, cabbage,
leeks, pak choi,
555
00:24:25,600 --> 00:24:28,240
rhubarb, broccoli, cauliflower,
kale and marrow.
556
00:24:28,320 --> 00:24:30,560
Yeah. Now, the government has a
code,
557
00:24:30,600 --> 00:24:31,360
obviously, for all of those.
558
00:24:31,400 --> 00:24:33,680
-Yeah.
-Broad beans has got a code?
559
00:24:33,760 --> 00:24:35,080
Broad beans has a code.
560
00:24:35,160 --> 00:24:37,400
-I have to look those codes up.
-Yeah, look them up.
561
00:24:37,480 --> 00:24:39,760
And then tell them exactly how
much.
562
00:24:39,800 --> 00:24:41,280
What do they want it, in
centimeters?
563
00:24:41,320 --> 00:24:43,480
-Square meters will be fine.
-Square meters.
564
00:24:43,560 --> 00:24:45,400
You've got to do it
to four decimal places.
565
00:24:45,480 --> 00:24:47,080
If you see, we've got four
decimal places.
566
00:24:47,160 --> 00:24:49,600
They want it to with--
They want it that tight?
567
00:24:49,680 --> 00:24:51,600
Yeah, it's very accurate now.
568
00:24:51,680 --> 00:24:54,360
Can't you just write vegetables?
Can we guess?
569
00:24:54,440 --> 00:24:55,360
There isn't just--
570
00:24:55,440 --> 00:24:59,080
Uh, you could, but then if
you're wrong,
571
00:24:59,120 --> 00:25:01,160
they might implement a penalty,
572
00:25:01,200 --> 00:25:01,560
and, you know,
573
00:25:01,600 --> 00:25:03,640
they have got eyes in the sky
now,
574
00:25:03,680 --> 00:25:05,680
so, you know, there's satellite
images.
575
00:25:05,760 --> 00:25:07,400
Are you telling me
576
00:25:07,480 --> 00:25:09,360
the British government
577
00:25:09,400 --> 00:25:12,480
is photographing my farm from
space
578
00:25:12,520 --> 00:25:14,680
to see what I'm growing and
doing with it?
579
00:25:14,760 --> 00:25:15,840
Absolutely.
580
00:25:20,720 --> 00:25:23,280
Desperate to make some
money from the trip,
581
00:25:23,360 --> 00:25:25,880
Sir Ranulph, aided by his
chatty satnav...
582
00:25:25,960 --> 00:25:27,600
Harley
Street, then turn left onto...
583
00:25:27,680 --> 00:25:29,920
...was now
looking for the next restaurant.
584
00:25:30,000 --> 00:25:30,920
Turn left onto
585
00:25:30,960 --> 00:25:33,000
Curzon Street, then turn...
586
00:25:33,040 --> 00:25:36,040
Head southeast on Stanhope Row
towards Shepherd Street,
587
00:25:36,120 --> 00:25:37,960
then turn right onto Hertford
Street.
588
00:25:38,040 --> 00:25:39,280
Oh, my God!
589
00:25:41,240 --> 00:25:42,800
Turn left onto The Mall.
590
00:25:48,560 --> 00:25:50,160
Oh, look at that.
591
00:25:50,960 --> 00:25:53,040
Is that where the Queen lives,
in there?
592
00:25:54,760 --> 00:25:56,640
At the next
restaurant...
593
00:25:56,720 --> 00:25:58,080
What have you got to offer?
594
00:25:58,160 --> 00:25:59,360
This is the wasabi
595
00:25:59,400 --> 00:26:00,920
that's grown on the farm in
Chadlington.
596
00:26:01,000 --> 00:26:01,960
-Do you know where Chadlington
is?
597
00:26:02,000 --> 00:26:03,720
-Chipping Norton?
-No.
598
00:26:03,800 --> 00:26:07,080
Kaleb was in full
salesman mode.
599
00:26:07,720 --> 00:26:11,280
I've been told, come away from
my boss, £300 a kg.
600
00:26:11,360 --> 00:26:13,840
£300 a kg? You're dreaming,
mate.
601
00:26:14,920 --> 00:26:16,080
Let's have a look here and see
602
00:26:16,160 --> 00:26:17,720
what you've actually
managed to produce, eh?
603
00:26:17,800 --> 00:26:19,000
Yeah, let's have a
look.
604
00:26:19,040 --> 00:26:19,880
-So, there you go.
605
00:26:19,920 --> 00:26:21,160
204 grams.
606
00:26:21,240 --> 00:26:23,520
Really, if you're gonna clean
it down
607
00:26:23,600 --> 00:26:26,240
you've probably got more like
150 grams, let's be honest.
608
00:26:26,320 --> 00:26:28,240
Yeah, all right. 150 grams.
609
00:26:28,320 --> 00:26:30,680
-What's that? A tenner?
-Eh?
610
00:26:30,760 --> 00:26:33,160
I'll give you ten quid for it,
mate. That's a good deal.
611
00:26:33,240 --> 00:26:35,400
I reckon we do a deal. Go £15.
612
00:26:35,480 --> 00:26:37,320
-I'll give you ten, mate.
-Twelve.
613
00:26:37,400 --> 00:26:38,920
Ten it is.
614
00:26:39,000 --> 00:26:39,920
Okay, deal.
615
00:26:40,000 --> 00:26:41,760
It just cost me £10 to park.
616
00:26:41,840 --> 00:26:43,600
There you go.
You pay your parking for free.
617
00:26:49,320 --> 00:26:51,160
In 200 yards, turn left onto
618
00:26:51,200 --> 00:26:53,560
Lancaster Place. A301.
619
00:26:53,600 --> 00:26:56,800
Uh, we are off to the Shard now.
620
00:26:56,880 --> 00:26:58,480
Something called the Shard.
621
00:26:58,560 --> 00:27:02,120
I want to get in there, get it
sold, get out of there, go home.
622
00:27:02,200 --> 00:27:03,280
I've had enough.
623
00:27:04,560 --> 00:27:07,280
This is probably
a good time to reveal
624
00:27:07,360 --> 00:27:12,160
that the only thing Kaleb hates
more than cities is heights.
625
00:27:12,240 --> 00:27:16,920
Oh, don't tell me that's the
Shard. You are winding me up.
626
00:27:17,000 --> 00:27:18,480
Oh, Jesus!
627
00:27:19,880 --> 00:27:21,720
Jesus, Jesus, Jesus!
628
00:27:23,680 --> 00:27:25,360
Oh! Don't look at the levels,
629
00:27:25,440 --> 00:27:28,000
don't look at the levels,
don't look at the levels.
630
00:27:32,960 --> 00:27:34,840
32nd
floor.
631
00:27:36,520 --> 00:27:37,680
That's horrible.
632
00:27:39,240 --> 00:27:40,920
-Doors open.
-
633
00:27:42,720 --> 00:27:46,320
Still, at least the
trip was completely pointless.
634
00:27:46,400 --> 00:27:48,640
£25, 100 grams.
635
00:27:50,320 --> 00:27:52,400
-Let me digest that and I'll--
- Yeah?
636
00:27:52,520 --> 00:27:53,960
Yeah, I'll give you a call.
637
00:27:54,040 --> 00:27:55,360
-You're sure you don't want to
buy it now?
638
00:27:55,400 --> 00:27:57,680
-Unfortunately, not now, no.
639
00:27:57,720 --> 00:27:59,880
Shit! Okey-dokey. Cheers.
640
00:28:01,200 --> 00:28:03,000
-Mum.
641
00:28:03,080 --> 00:28:05,040
Hello. My signal is bad.
642
00:28:05,840 --> 00:28:07,040
I'm up the Shard.
643
00:28:07,560 --> 00:28:08,520
Ever heard of it?
644
00:28:08,600 --> 00:28:11,400
It's like a big building in
London. It's not very good.
645
00:28:11,480 --> 00:28:13,560
It's like 1,000 feet up in the
air.
646
00:28:13,640 --> 00:28:15,880
Look, I've got to go, all right?
647
00:28:17,280 --> 00:28:19,800
Who was that, Kaleb?
-That was my mum.
648
00:28:19,880 --> 00:28:21,160
She was worried about me.
649
00:28:22,640 --> 00:28:24,600
She's seen me on the family map
thing and said,
650
00:28:24,680 --> 00:28:27,360
"Why are you in London?"
I'm like, "I'm up the Shard."
651
00:28:27,440 --> 00:28:31,240
She goes, "Where?" "The Shard
in London."
652
00:28:33,480 --> 00:28:35,960
I must admit, it's quite a nice
view, actually.
653
00:28:36,040 --> 00:28:39,040
It would be better if there was,
like, a farm, fields, hills.
654
00:28:40,400 --> 00:28:43,240
Are you all right?
-No, not really.
655
00:28:43,320 --> 00:28:45,280
Today I have made...
656
00:28:47,240 --> 00:28:48,120
nothing.
657
00:28:53,640 --> 00:28:57,440
After Kaleb's failure
to sell the wasabi in London,
658
00:28:57,520 --> 00:28:59,040
we put it in the farm shop...
659
00:29:00,680 --> 00:29:01,800
where it rotted.
660
00:29:03,040 --> 00:29:05,200
And that wasn't the end of the
bad news.
661
00:29:05,920 --> 00:29:07,040
God above!
662
00:29:07,880 --> 00:29:11,520
Because Lisa's definition of
local produce
663
00:29:11,600 --> 00:29:14,400
had come to the attention
of the authorities.
664
00:29:15,960 --> 00:29:19,200
I've had an annoying email
from the council
665
00:29:19,280 --> 00:29:21,800
which says that, um,
666
00:29:21,840 --> 00:29:24,680
the stuff we sell in the farm
shop
667
00:29:24,720 --> 00:29:26,120
has to be from a producer
668
00:29:26,200 --> 00:29:27,360
based solely within
669
00:29:27,400 --> 00:29:30,040
West Oxfordshire's district
boundaries
670
00:29:30,080 --> 00:29:33,560
and they're saying that some of
the pâté
671
00:29:33,600 --> 00:29:35,120
and cheese and what-have-you
672
00:29:35,160 --> 00:29:36,360
is from Gloucestershire.
673
00:29:36,440 --> 00:29:38,520
I mean, there's a pandemic
going on.
674
00:29:38,600 --> 00:29:41,160
Millions of people are
unemployed.
675
00:29:41,240 --> 00:29:42,760
We have a little business that
676
00:29:42,800 --> 00:29:45,320
now has five people on
the payroll,
677
00:29:46,320 --> 00:29:48,800
we're supporting local farms
and local businesses
678
00:29:48,880 --> 00:29:49,960
and now we have to have
679
00:29:50,000 --> 00:29:52,280
an enforcement case
opened on us.
680
00:29:54,160 --> 00:29:56,320
I mean, God, give me strength!
681
00:29:59,520 --> 00:30:03,000
Fortunately, I had already
had a genius idea
682
00:30:03,080 --> 00:30:06,200
for making the produce very
local.
683
00:30:06,280 --> 00:30:10,480
All right. I put the bee
honeycomb stuff.
684
00:30:10,560 --> 00:30:15,320
I'd decided to turn my spare
beeswax into scented candles.
685
00:30:15,720 --> 00:30:16,600
Oh!
686
00:30:16,680 --> 00:30:21,040
Taking my inspiration for the
scent from a Hollywood A-lister.
687
00:30:22,280 --> 00:30:23,600
What do you think of that?
688
00:30:25,840 --> 00:30:27,480
And not just lavender.
689
00:30:29,320 --> 00:30:30,600
A spring onion.
690
00:30:34,520 --> 00:30:36,440
Just a hint of broad bean.
691
00:30:40,000 --> 00:30:41,280
And there we are.
692
00:30:42,560 --> 00:30:43,760
Let that set.
693
00:30:46,200 --> 00:30:51,000
At the shop, Lisa was delighted
with the results.
694
00:30:51,080 --> 00:30:56,560
You cannot label that
"This smells like my bollocks."
695
00:30:57,560 --> 00:30:58,680
You just can't.
696
00:30:59,360 --> 00:31:01,280
Gwyneth Paltrow has made a
fortune
697
00:31:01,360 --> 00:31:03,440
from her candles which smell
like her...
698
00:31:03,520 --> 00:31:05,000
vagina.
699
00:31:05,080 --> 00:31:06,200
Do you think these will sell
more
700
00:31:06,240 --> 00:31:07,760
because it smells like your
bollocks?
701
00:31:07,800 --> 00:31:10,240
I've also-- Look,
"These beeswax scented candles
702
00:31:10,320 --> 00:31:11,720
were handmade by Jeremy
Clarkson.
703
00:31:11,800 --> 00:31:13,360
You'd never know it, but it's
true,"
704
00:31:13,440 --> 00:31:15,560
and I've signed it to prove I
made them.
705
00:31:18,360 --> 00:31:21,120
Meanwhile, down at the trout
pond,
706
00:31:21,200 --> 00:31:24,560
Kaleb, now safely back
in his natural habitat,
707
00:31:24,640 --> 00:31:27,720
was busy protecting
another source of revenue.
708
00:31:29,400 --> 00:31:32,760
I am putting a fence up.
An electric fence up.
709
00:31:32,840 --> 00:31:36,360
We've seen a couple of dead fish
on the side.
710
00:31:38,520 --> 00:31:42,760
Oh, poor fishy. It's got some
puncture wounds on it.
711
00:31:42,840 --> 00:31:47,400
So, Jeremy put a trap camera
down here
712
00:31:47,480 --> 00:31:50,240
to see what was causing the
fish to die.
713
00:31:52,640 --> 00:31:54,200
Turned out there was an otter.
714
00:31:55,400 --> 00:31:58,360
So, I'm putting up an electric
fence
715
00:31:58,440 --> 00:32:01,000
around the outside of the pond
where the fish are,
716
00:32:01,080 --> 00:32:03,640
to try and stop that otter
getting in.
717
00:32:03,720 --> 00:32:05,840
But we've also had to put this
up because
718
00:32:05,880 --> 00:32:07,120
the heron keeps
coming in.
719
00:32:09,000 --> 00:32:11,120
That's another thing
that will take a fish.
720
00:32:11,200 --> 00:32:12,920
So, I've had to put this fence
up,
721
00:32:13,000 --> 00:32:15,800
put the owl up to try and scare
the heron away...
722
00:32:18,680 --> 00:32:20,560
and put a metal man up
723
00:32:20,640 --> 00:32:22,640
to try and deter him as well.
724
00:32:23,760 --> 00:32:25,600
There's a lot of work in fish.
725
00:32:30,360 --> 00:32:32,280
A week later, my local
pub
726
00:32:32,320 --> 00:32:34,760
agreed to put our trout on its
menu.
727
00:32:35,960 --> 00:32:38,680
So, I went down to the pond
with a net,
728
00:32:38,720 --> 00:32:41,200
feeling weirdly conflicted.
729
00:32:41,240 --> 00:32:43,040
-The only reason this fence is
here...
730
00:32:43,080 --> 00:32:43,680
-Yeah.
731
00:32:43,720 --> 00:32:45,760
...is to stop the otter eating
the fish,
732
00:32:45,840 --> 00:32:47,840
so we can sell them
to rich people in the pub.
733
00:32:47,920 --> 00:32:48,760
Yeah.
734
00:32:48,840 --> 00:32:50,880
The whole point of this was
wilding.
735
00:32:50,960 --> 00:32:54,560
I then decided
I didn't really care about that,
736
00:32:54,640 --> 00:32:56,160
so we got to work.
737
00:32:56,240 --> 00:32:58,080
You throw some
food in.
738
00:32:58,160 --> 00:32:59,280
Put the food in
first?
739
00:32:59,320 --> 00:32:59,960
-Yeah.
740
00:33:00,000 --> 00:33:01,080
Yeah.
741
00:33:01,160 --> 00:33:03,320
Then I'll be ready to pounce
with the net.
742
00:33:03,400 --> 00:33:05,520
Fish, fish, fish, fish.
743
00:33:05,600 --> 00:33:07,720
You can't call them.
They're not like dogs.
744
00:33:07,800 --> 00:33:08,840
Well, I do normally.
745
00:33:08,920 --> 00:33:10,880
Right. You can see
where my net's gonna go in?
746
00:33:10,960 --> 00:33:11,080
-Yeah.
747
00:33:11,120 --> 00:33:12,640
-That's where you've got to
chuck it.
748
00:33:12,680 --> 00:33:14,440
I need to get them food first.
Fish, fish.
749
00:33:14,520 --> 00:33:16,560
No. Fish, please, please.
750
00:33:16,640 --> 00:33:17,160
-Will you just put it where the
net is?
751
00:33:17,200 --> 00:33:18,880
-Okay, fine. There.
752
00:33:18,920 --> 00:33:21,040
-Thank you.
-See, they know you're there.
753
00:33:21,800 --> 00:33:24,640
They don't-- They're not
Stephen Hawking.
754
00:33:28,880 --> 00:33:30,240
Shit!
755
00:33:33,560 --> 00:33:35,000
-Ready?
-No.
756
00:33:35,080 --> 00:33:37,400
Steady and go.
757
00:33:38,480 --> 00:33:40,120
Oh, dear, I think I've
got some.
758
00:33:40,160 --> 00:33:41,200
-Oh, well done.
759
00:33:41,240 --> 00:33:42,120
Oh, my God! Yeah, I've
got like...
760
00:33:42,200 --> 00:33:43,840
Quickly, in the bucket,
before they do dying.
761
00:33:43,920 --> 00:33:44,960
...eight. Oh!
762
00:33:46,000 --> 00:33:48,720
Thanks to my accuracy
with the fish food,
763
00:33:48,800 --> 00:33:51,080
Lisa had landed a good catch.
764
00:33:51,160 --> 00:33:53,920
That's awesome. My God,
they just look delicious.
765
00:33:54,000 --> 00:33:55,560
Now we've got to get them to
the pub.
766
00:33:55,640 --> 00:33:56,920
Come on, because it's
lunchtime in a minute.
767
00:33:57,000 --> 00:33:58,000
Okay.
768
00:33:58,960 --> 00:34:01,520
They've got to go in there
and then, hilariously,
769
00:34:01,600 --> 00:34:06,320
the law of England says
they have to be oxygenated.
770
00:34:06,400 --> 00:34:07,840
So, I have to have an oxygen
tank
771
00:34:07,880 --> 00:34:09,520
to keep the water oxygenated
772
00:34:09,560 --> 00:34:11,760
for the, what is it, six-minute
journey,
773
00:34:11,800 --> 00:34:13,160
seven-minute journey to the pub
774
00:34:13,160 --> 00:34:14,920
where they're going to be
killed.
775
00:34:15,000 --> 00:34:16,080
Right.
776
00:34:20,800 --> 00:34:23,000
Very steep. Sorry about this,
fishes.
777
00:34:24,320 --> 00:34:26,120
Come on, car. You know you can
do it.
778
00:34:26,160 --> 00:34:27,680
You know you want to do it.
779
00:34:35,040 --> 00:34:38,480
Delivered fish before, of
course, in, um, Mozambique.
780
00:34:39,760 --> 00:34:40,800
That went well.
781
00:34:44,320 --> 00:34:45,520
All right, it's heavy.
782
00:34:47,440 --> 00:34:50,000
Vincent, look what I've got.
783
00:34:50,080 --> 00:34:51,160
Wow!
784
00:34:51,200 --> 00:34:53,400
Just caught them a
minute ago.
785
00:34:53,480 --> 00:34:54,880
-Trout.
-Baby trout?
786
00:34:54,960 --> 00:34:57,840
Well, you say that. Succulent.
787
00:34:57,920 --> 00:34:59,480
That's the one. That's got the--
788
00:34:59,560 --> 00:35:02,120
you can just turn him over.
789
00:35:02,200 --> 00:35:04,680
That's where the heron's beak
nearly got him,
790
00:35:04,800 --> 00:35:06,400
so he's a lucky fish.
791
00:35:06,480 --> 00:35:08,480
Not for long, not
for long.
792
00:35:09,600 --> 00:35:11,280
And they're two quid
each.
793
00:35:11,360 --> 00:35:11,960
-Let's get them inside then.
All right.
794
00:35:12,000 --> 00:35:13,440
-All right, you do that.
795
00:35:13,480 --> 00:35:15,320
-Yeah.
-All right, chaps. Bye, fish.
796
00:35:15,400 --> 00:35:16,520
Yeah, take care.
797
00:35:21,880 --> 00:35:23,360
As June ended,
my new farm projects
798
00:35:24,680 --> 00:35:27,760
were starting to tick over
quite nicely.
799
00:35:29,000 --> 00:35:31,080
-Hello. How are you?
-Hello. I'm good. You?
800
00:35:31,160 --> 00:35:32,160
Good, good. Fine, thanks.
801
00:35:32,200 --> 00:35:34,400
Super. I've got some bags here.
802
00:35:34,480 --> 00:35:37,760
Thanks to a brief
respite from lockdown,
803
00:35:37,840 --> 00:35:40,440
more people were visiting the
farm shop.
804
00:35:40,520 --> 00:35:42,400
It's really good
to be finally open.
805
00:35:43,680 --> 00:35:47,440
And the pub had more
customers for our trout.
806
00:35:50,800 --> 00:35:54,040
However, these ventures were
all sideshows
807
00:35:54,080 --> 00:35:56,520
compared to the main event.
808
00:35:56,560 --> 00:35:58,640
The engine room of the farm.
809
00:36:00,360 --> 00:36:01,640
The crops.
810
00:36:01,680 --> 00:36:05,400
Which had been in the ground now
for eight months.
811
00:36:40,040 --> 00:36:41,280
For most of that time,
812
00:36:41,320 --> 00:36:44,960
nature had been a vindictive
bastard.
813
00:36:45,000 --> 00:36:49,480
But somehow, the barley wasn't
all completely ruined.
814
00:36:53,840 --> 00:36:57,280
Actually, it looks
okay. It looks pretty good.
815
00:36:57,360 --> 00:36:59,800
Given the year it's had,
you know, it was late drilled.
816
00:36:59,880 --> 00:37:01,640
-Very late.
-Really wet.
817
00:37:01,680 --> 00:37:03,040
Very wet.
818
00:37:03,120 --> 00:37:04,400
Really dry.
819
00:37:04,480 --> 00:37:05,680
Then it was very hot.
820
00:37:05,800 --> 00:37:09,600
And actually, you know, it's a
perfectly good crop of barley.
821
00:37:10,480 --> 00:37:13,920
Charlie then announced
that harvesting was imminent.
822
00:37:14,360 --> 00:37:16,320
Probably four or five,
five or six days away.
823
00:37:16,400 --> 00:37:17,040
-There's a bit of green on the
stem.
824
00:37:17,080 --> 00:37:18,120
-Oh, really?
825
00:37:18,160 --> 00:37:19,960
Yeah. This is the worst bit.
The middle.
826
00:37:20,000 --> 00:37:21,840
The rest of it is pretty ready.
827
00:37:21,880 --> 00:37:23,080
-Really?
-Yeah.
828
00:37:26,200 --> 00:37:28,480
We then moved onto the
next crop.
829
00:37:28,560 --> 00:37:31,320
So, this is oil seed
rape, as you well know.
830
00:37:31,400 --> 00:37:32,320
Yes.
831
00:37:32,400 --> 00:37:35,360
And these are the oil
seed. They come out of the pods
832
00:37:35,440 --> 00:37:37,800
and they should be
nice and black all over.
833
00:37:37,880 --> 00:37:39,360
Mmm, it's a few days.
834
00:37:39,400 --> 00:37:41,640
It's probably a good ten days
away yet.
835
00:37:41,640 --> 00:37:42,760
-Ten days?
-Ten days.
836
00:37:42,840 --> 00:37:45,640
-And then we can harvest it?
-Then we can harvest it.
837
00:37:45,680 --> 00:37:46,880
Excellent. So, is there
838
00:37:46,920 --> 00:37:49,120
anything else left
to do with this?
839
00:37:49,160 --> 00:37:50,880
Kill it, to make sure it's dead.
840
00:37:52,160 --> 00:37:53,160
I'm sorry?
841
00:37:53,200 --> 00:37:55,600
Well, I know it sounds a little
bizarre.
842
00:37:56,680 --> 00:37:59,760
The rape is dying naturally
and the top is ready,
843
00:37:59,840 --> 00:38:02,880
but the bottom is still very
much alive.
844
00:38:02,960 --> 00:38:04,960
But you're saying you want to
kill off
845
00:38:05,000 --> 00:38:06,640
the living bit of the oil seed
rape?
846
00:38:06,640 --> 00:38:07,800
-The living bit of the oil seed
rape.
847
00:38:07,840 --> 00:38:08,200
-Why?
848
00:38:08,280 --> 00:38:10,160
Because it will,
849
00:38:10,160 --> 00:38:12,200
it just makes it easier to cut
the crop.
850
00:38:12,280 --> 00:38:14,480
So, what does a combine do?
It comes on, cuts it there.
851
00:38:14,560 --> 00:38:16,320
It cuts that,
so that'll, you know, the knife.
852
00:38:16,400 --> 00:38:17,280
Right, which could do that.
853
00:38:17,360 --> 00:38:19,040
Or do you want it--
Is it easier when it's dead?
854
00:38:19,120 --> 00:38:20,160
-It's easier, much easier when
it's dead.
855
00:38:20,200 --> 00:38:20,840
-Okay.
856
00:38:20,880 --> 00:38:22,200
Much, much easier
when it's dead.
857
00:38:22,320 --> 00:38:25,680
And we're not killing the seeds,
because the seed's encapsulated.
858
00:38:25,800 --> 00:38:27,760
So we just drive
a harvester through it?
859
00:38:27,840 --> 00:38:29,000
Yeah. Have you got one?
860
00:38:29,080 --> 00:38:31,440
-No. We're gonna rent one.
-Very good.
861
00:38:31,520 --> 00:38:32,640
-So, you've got a contractor
coming in?
862
00:38:32,680 --> 00:38:33,080
-Yep.
863
00:38:33,120 --> 00:38:35,400
-A few things to be wary.
-Yeah.
864
00:38:35,480 --> 00:38:36,880
Moisture.
865
00:38:36,960 --> 00:38:38,280
-Moisture?
-Moisture.
866
00:38:38,360 --> 00:38:40,440
It needs to be between
six and nine percent.
867
00:38:41,440 --> 00:38:42,960
So, moisture is the main thing
868
00:38:43,040 --> 00:38:46,560
and the contractor
will possibly want to just say,
869
00:38:46,640 --> 00:38:48,960
"Oh, it's only ten and a half
percent,
870
00:38:49,000 --> 00:38:50,160
we'll come and combine,"
871
00:38:50,160 --> 00:38:51,840
and you say "No."
872
00:38:51,920 --> 00:38:53,280
I said you say...
873
00:38:53,360 --> 00:38:54,280
You say?
874
00:38:54,360 --> 00:38:56,360
-I won't be here.
-Can you imagine-- Can you--
875
00:38:56,440 --> 00:38:58,000
What do you mean, you won't be
here?
876
00:38:58,080 --> 00:38:59,800
-I'm going on holiday.
-What?
877
00:38:59,880 --> 00:39:01,400
Well, you'll be fine.
878
00:39:01,480 --> 00:39:03,000
You don't need me by then.
You'll be fine.
879
00:39:03,080 --> 00:39:04,360
-I do need you.
-You'll be fine.
880
00:39:04,440 --> 00:39:05,160
Hold on a minute.
881
00:39:05,160 --> 00:39:07,280
All this and then it comes to
harvest...
882
00:39:08,280 --> 00:39:10,840
I'm no use. Like, what do you
want me for?
883
00:39:10,920 --> 00:39:12,040
Well, how am I gonna be able to
tell
884
00:39:12,120 --> 00:39:12,760
whether that's got three
885
00:39:12,800 --> 00:39:14,960
percent moisture
or 17 percent?
886
00:39:15,000 --> 00:39:17,000
Well, you put it in your
moisture meter.
887
00:39:17,080 --> 00:39:18,920
Is there a moisture-o-meter for
that?
888
00:39:19,000 --> 00:39:20,560
-Have you not got a moisture
meter?
889
00:39:20,600 --> 00:39:21,960
-No.
890
00:39:22,000 --> 00:39:23,160
Ah.
891
00:39:23,200 --> 00:39:25,040
Oh, God!
892
00:39:26,960 --> 00:39:28,800
My first harvest.
893
00:39:28,880 --> 00:39:30,880
This is so much harder.
894
00:39:30,960 --> 00:39:33,160
Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit,
shit!
895
00:39:33,280 --> 00:39:34,520
Wait, wait! Whoa!
896
00:39:37,440 --> 00:39:38,440
I have no idea.
897
00:39:38,520 --> 00:39:40,160
Twenty lorries you should have
organized.
898
00:39:40,280 --> 00:39:41,280
Twenty lorries?
899
00:39:41,360 --> 00:39:43,080
Twenty lorries.
And it's gonna rain tonight.
900
00:39:43,520 --> 00:39:44,520
You've fucked up.
64215
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