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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:13,694 --> 00:00:15,160 Oh, my God. 2 00:00:16,864 --> 00:00:19,498 (Intercom buzzes) 3 00:00:23,383 --> 00:00:26,624 God, I cannot believe you got a girl's number on the train! 4 00:00:26,658 --> 00:00:28,324 Well, I didn't... you know, I... It wasn't a pick-up, 5 00:00:28,376 --> 00:00:29,626 I just got her business card. 6 00:00:29,661 --> 00:00:31,461 Oh, my God, read it to me. 7 00:00:31,496 --> 00:00:33,630 Josh: "Laura Ferber, Marketing Liaison." 8 00:00:33,665 --> 00:00:35,415 God, I knew she was black! 9 00:00:35,500 --> 00:00:36,966 No, it... she's not black. 10 00:00:37,002 --> 00:00:38,551 Oh... well, whatever. 11 00:00:38,637 --> 00:00:40,136 Either way, I'm proud of you, buddy. 12 00:00:40,171 --> 00:00:41,337 The coolest part is that 13 00:00:41,389 --> 00:00:43,256 she seems so nice. 14 00:00:43,341 --> 00:00:44,257 Awesome. 15 00:00:44,342 --> 00:00:46,059 Like, I looked at her eyes 16 00:00:46,144 --> 00:00:48,144 - and I was like, these are nice, like... - Yeah. 17 00:00:48,179 --> 00:00:51,147 - You know, sometimes... - You want to jizz all in 'em or something. 18 00:00:51,182 --> 00:00:52,482 No, no. 19 00:00:52,517 --> 00:00:53,683 There's nothing semen about this. 20 00:00:53,735 --> 00:00:55,068 - Oh, okay. - I feel like, 21 00:00:55,153 --> 00:00:56,486 for the first time since we broke up, 22 00:00:56,521 --> 00:00:58,521 I'm actually over Maggie. 23 00:00:58,606 --> 00:01:00,440 Spectral voice: Maggie... 24 00:01:00,525 --> 00:01:02,075 You hear that? 25 00:01:02,160 --> 00:01:03,576 Spectral voice: Maggie... 26 00:01:03,662 --> 00:01:06,029 Nah. It sounds like your walls are whispering, "Maggie." 27 00:01:06,114 --> 00:01:08,698 That's-that's, uh, the old pipes. 28 00:01:08,783 --> 00:01:10,867 - The-the old pipes. - Ah. Uh-huh. Okay, all right. 29 00:01:10,919 --> 00:01:13,536 Anyway, you were, uh, saying? About being totally over Maggie? 30 00:01:13,588 --> 00:01:15,204 Wait, who's Maggie? That kind of thing. 31 00:01:15,256 --> 00:01:17,090 Like, it's just like it's off my shoulders. 32 00:01:17,175 --> 00:01:18,875 And right now, Josh is in a good place. 33 00:01:18,960 --> 00:01:21,044 Hey, is that a framed photo 34 00:01:21,129 --> 00:01:23,713 of you and Maggie spookily coming to life? 35 00:01:23,798 --> 00:01:25,548 That's a floating, uh, framed photo of 36 00:01:25,600 --> 00:01:27,383 two-two... Come here... 37 00:01:27,435 --> 00:01:29,719 two other... two other people that were in love. 38 00:01:29,771 --> 00:01:31,220 What about that pink razor 39 00:01:31,306 --> 00:01:32,555 crawling across the rug? 40 00:01:32,640 --> 00:01:33,639 That Maggie-related? 41 00:01:33,725 --> 00:01:35,641 No. No, that's... 42 00:01:35,727 --> 00:01:37,143 You okay, man? 43 00:01:37,228 --> 00:01:38,361 You're not dealing with Maggie, or... 44 00:01:38,396 --> 00:01:39,479 (Razor squeals) 45 00:01:39,564 --> 00:01:41,981 - Nope. Not at all. - Okay, Josh, 46 00:01:42,067 --> 00:01:43,816 if you're really over Maggie, why do you still have her stuff? 47 00:01:43,902 --> 00:01:45,034 I don't... what stuff? 48 00:01:45,070 --> 00:01:47,203 Just a cute framed picture 49 00:01:47,238 --> 00:01:48,571 and a little pink razor blade? 50 00:01:48,656 --> 00:01:50,406 I don't have anything else. (Booming sound) 51 00:01:52,744 --> 00:01:53,993 (Squeaks) 52 00:01:54,079 --> 00:01:56,662 (Squeaking) 53 00:01:57,082 --> 00:02:00,011 S01E02 Traib 54 00:02:00,259 --> 00:02:03,436 sync and corrected by ninh www.addic7ed.com 55 00:02:26,911 --> 00:02:28,778 (Wind howling) 56 00:02:31,950 --> 00:02:33,282 Father, thank God you're here. 57 00:02:33,334 --> 00:02:35,118 - Dove�? - Follow me. 58 00:02:38,423 --> 00:02:40,089 Dio mio. 59 00:02:40,125 --> 00:02:42,291 Mike, you really didn't have to hire an exorcist, man. 60 00:02:42,343 --> 00:02:43,868 Everything's fine. 61 00:02:44,128 --> 00:02:45,531 Aah! 62 00:02:47,298 --> 00:02:49,632 Maybelline. 63 00:02:49,717 --> 00:02:51,050 Maybe she's born with it. (Laughs) 64 00:02:51,136 --> 00:02:52,468 Ugh. 65 00:02:52,554 --> 00:02:54,270 (Speaking Italian) Josh: What? 66 00:02:54,305 --> 00:02:55,471 What's he saying? 67 00:02:55,557 --> 00:02:57,723 Uh, he says you're being haunted by your ex-girlfriend. 68 00:02:57,743 --> 00:02:59,776 Haunted? Maggie's still alive. 69 00:02:59,811 --> 00:03:01,360 (Speaking Italian) 70 00:03:01,446 --> 00:03:03,279 That doesn't matter. 71 00:03:03,314 --> 00:03:06,816 She will continue to haunt you as long as you still still love her. 72 00:03:06,901 --> 00:03:08,920 I don't still love her. I am totally over her. 73 00:03:08,940 --> 00:03:09,952 Aah! 74 00:03:09,988 --> 00:03:11,788 (Speaking Italian) 75 00:03:11,823 --> 00:03:13,835 Yeah, then why do you still have her stuff? 76 00:03:13,855 --> 00:03:15,369 (Exorcist speaks Italian) 77 00:03:16,161 --> 00:03:17,627 What's that about? Seems weird. 78 00:03:17,662 --> 00:03:18,961 Or, like, um... 79 00:03:18,997 --> 00:03:20,329 What, "pathetic"? 80 00:03:20,381 --> 00:03:22,748 - Aah! - Mike: Or "desperate..." 81 00:03:22,834 --> 00:03:24,133 Uh, "unable to move on..." 82 00:03:24,169 --> 00:03:25,334 Something... yeah, something like that. 83 00:03:25,386 --> 00:03:26,919 Just lame. Just lame. 84 00:03:27,005 --> 00:03:28,638 Everything here is under control. 85 00:03:28,673 --> 00:03:31,257 (Bra squeaking) 86 00:03:31,342 --> 00:03:33,176 (Exorcist chokes, screams) 87 00:03:33,261 --> 00:03:35,178 (Grunts) 88 00:03:35,263 --> 00:03:37,647 (Chants in Italian) 89 00:03:37,682 --> 00:03:39,015 Whoa! No, no, no! 90 00:03:39,100 --> 00:03:41,434 (Squeals) 91 00:03:41,519 --> 00:03:43,236 Oh, that was my favorite one. Aah! 92 00:03:43,321 --> 00:03:45,321 I picked it out of the catalog. 93 00:03:45,356 --> 00:03:46,689 It was so cool. 94 00:03:46,774 --> 00:03:48,191 (Speaking Italian) 95 00:03:48,276 --> 00:03:49,492 Mike: You must get rid of all of 96 00:03:49,527 --> 00:03:51,444 Maggie's stuff, or else you will never move on. 97 00:03:51,529 --> 00:03:52,695 Hey, come on... 98 00:03:55,366 --> 00:03:56,866 Okay. Okay, okay. I'm in. 99 00:03:56,951 --> 00:03:58,034 Good idea. 100 00:03:59,871 --> 00:04:01,120 That was the last of it. 101 00:04:01,206 --> 00:04:03,539 (Chanting in Latin) 102 00:04:07,045 --> 00:04:09,045 (Hissing) 103 00:04:09,097 --> 00:04:11,514 (Continues chanting) 104 00:04:11,549 --> 00:04:12,932 (Deep growling fades away) 105 00:04:13,017 --> 00:04:16,552 Guess, uh... guess that's that. 106 00:04:16,638 --> 00:04:18,187 Uh, father, thank you. 107 00:04:18,223 --> 00:04:20,389 Grazie... Or, um... 108 00:04:20,475 --> 00:04:22,578 - (Whispering): Do... do I... Do I tip him? - Nah. 109 00:04:22,598 --> 00:04:23,559 - Nah? - Nah. 110 00:04:23,611 --> 00:04:24,810 Are we paying him at all? 111 00:04:24,896 --> 00:04:26,229 - Nah. - No. 112 00:04:26,281 --> 00:04:27,697 We'll just go to church or something. 113 00:04:27,732 --> 00:04:28,865 (Whispering): I... I'm Jewish. 114 00:04:28,900 --> 00:04:30,366 (Banging sound) 115 00:04:30,401 --> 00:04:31,901 (Rattling) 116 00:04:31,986 --> 00:04:33,286 I thought you said that was everything. 117 00:04:33,371 --> 00:04:34,704 It's, uh, almost everything. 118 00:04:34,739 --> 00:04:36,205 (All scream) 119 00:04:36,241 --> 00:04:38,241 Mike: What is that thing? 120 00:04:38,293 --> 00:04:40,576 Maggie won it for me at a, uh, fair. 121 00:04:40,628 --> 00:04:41,878 We called it Mr. heart, 'cause he's a little heart. 122 00:04:41,913 --> 00:04:43,629 - Oh, my God. - Mama Mia! 123 00:04:43,715 --> 00:04:44,797 - Ha! Ha! - Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. 124 00:04:44,883 --> 00:04:46,415 Please, please, please, please. 125 00:04:46,467 --> 00:04:48,134 Just let me keep this one thing. 126 00:04:48,219 --> 00:04:49,252 He's cute, he's fuzzy. 127 00:04:49,337 --> 00:04:50,636 Look, he speaks! 128 00:04:50,722 --> 00:04:51,837 (Distorted): I love you. 129 00:04:53,258 --> 00:04:54,640 (Speaking Italian) 130 00:04:54,726 --> 00:04:56,058 Gotta destroy it. Now. 131 00:04:56,094 --> 00:04:57,927 But it seems a tad wasteful. 132 00:04:58,012 --> 00:04:59,262 I mean, C-Craigslist. 133 00:04:59,347 --> 00:05:00,763 (Speaking Italian) Craigslist? 134 00:05:00,815 --> 00:05:02,598 It's a piece of garbage. Nobody wants it, Josh! 135 00:05:02,684 --> 00:05:04,100 Actually, you know who might want it? 136 00:05:04,185 --> 00:05:05,434 Maggie might want it. Let me just call her. 137 00:05:05,486 --> 00:05:06,435 No! No, no, no! Just get rid of it, man! 138 00:05:06,487 --> 00:05:07,767 - Get rid of it! - No. 139 00:05:08,773 --> 00:05:10,670 Good-bye, Mr. heart. 140 00:05:11,242 --> 00:05:13,276 I love you. 141 00:05:13,328 --> 00:05:15,111 (Distorted): I love you. And now you're going to... 142 00:05:15,196 --> 00:05:17,029 (Demonic voice): suck my dick! 143 00:05:17,115 --> 00:05:18,781 Suck it! (Screams) 144 00:05:21,452 --> 00:05:23,452 Yeah, yeah! Oh, yeah! (Josh gagging) 145 00:05:23,504 --> 00:05:25,254 Suck him off, man! Finish him off! 146 00:05:25,290 --> 00:05:27,957 Somehow he has a penis now! 147 00:05:28,042 --> 00:05:29,292 Work the shaft, Josh. 148 00:05:29,377 --> 00:05:31,544 Come on. Now you get it. Oh, yeah. 149 00:05:31,629 --> 00:05:32,595 (Mike screams) 150 00:05:32,630 --> 00:05:34,964 (Rising scream) 151 00:05:35,016 --> 00:05:36,048 Get it off! 152 00:05:36,134 --> 00:05:37,934 (Growls) 153 00:05:37,969 --> 00:05:39,802 Aah! 154 00:05:39,854 --> 00:05:41,387 Do it! (Screaming) 155 00:05:41,472 --> 00:05:42,805 Suck that dick... 156 00:05:42,890 --> 00:05:45,107 (Mumbling) 157 00:05:45,143 --> 00:05:48,311 (Exorcist chants in Latin) 158 00:05:48,363 --> 00:05:50,313 Oh, God. Mr. heart... 159 00:05:50,365 --> 00:05:52,148 Oh, that stinks. 160 00:05:52,233 --> 00:05:53,399 I'm just happy it's over. 161 00:05:53,484 --> 00:05:54,483 Exorcist: No! Huh? 162 00:05:54,569 --> 00:05:55,818 (Speaking Italian) 163 00:05:55,870 --> 00:05:57,820 He says there is 164 00:05:57,905 --> 00:05:59,739 a final task you must complete before you're free of Maggie. 165 00:05:59,824 --> 00:06:01,324 Do I have to pray? Or is penance... 166 00:06:01,409 --> 00:06:04,377 Whatever... You must sex... new woman. 167 00:06:04,462 --> 00:06:06,879 Okay, well, I just got a number from Laura... 168 00:06:06,965 --> 00:06:08,331 Number? 169 00:06:08,416 --> 00:06:10,333 You must do sex. 170 00:06:10,385 --> 00:06:12,001 Huh? Capisce? 171 00:06:12,053 --> 00:06:13,002 - Yes. - Understand? 172 00:06:13,087 --> 00:06:14,670 I-I will... I will have... 173 00:06:14,722 --> 00:06:15,638 He doesn't understand. 174 00:06:15,673 --> 00:06:17,340 Balls deep, eh? 175 00:06:17,425 --> 00:06:18,724 Oh, my God... 176 00:06:18,810 --> 00:06:20,559 "P"... Yeah? 177 00:06:20,645 --> 00:06:21,811 - in "V." Huh? - Oh... 178 00:06:21,846 --> 00:06:22,895 Josh: Okay. 179 00:06:22,981 --> 00:06:24,180 - Empty balls. - Oh, my God. 180 00:06:24,232 --> 00:06:26,015 - Sex! Sex! - Yeah, okay. 181 00:06:26,067 --> 00:06:27,183 Mmm. That's... I will try. 182 00:06:27,268 --> 00:06:28,517 - Try what? Huh? - Oh, my God. 183 00:06:28,603 --> 00:06:29,685 - Huh? - I... I will try to... 184 00:06:29,771 --> 00:06:31,020 - Say what is you try! - Oh, my God! 185 00:06:31,105 --> 00:06:32,355 Exorcist: Say what is you try! 186 00:06:32,440 --> 00:06:33,689 - I will try to... - Huh? 187 00:06:33,775 --> 00:06:35,524 - Empty my balls. - Yes? 188 00:06:35,576 --> 00:06:37,026 - Fire my "P"... - Yes? 189 00:06:37,111 --> 00:06:38,611 into... into a "V." 190 00:06:38,696 --> 00:06:39,945 Ah! 191 00:06:40,031 --> 00:06:40,863 Josh: Okay, okay. 192 00:06:40,948 --> 00:06:41,914 Amen. 193 00:06:43,034 --> 00:06:44,250 A-amen. 194 00:06:44,335 --> 00:06:46,173 Hey, you're having sex. 195 00:06:47,218 --> 00:06:49,351 Okay, I think I got it. Can I read it to you? Uh-huh. 196 00:06:49,436 --> 00:06:52,214 "Hi, Laura, it's Josh from the train. 197 00:06:52,234 --> 00:06:53,537 "Great meeting you. 198 00:06:53,557 --> 00:06:55,440 Want to get dinner Friday?" 199 00:06:55,475 --> 00:06:57,843 - Oh, that sucks. - What's wrong with it? 200 00:06:57,863 --> 00:06:59,811 (Squeaky voice): "Great meeting you. I'm Josh from the train. 201 00:06:59,863 --> 00:07:01,029 You want to get dinner Friday?" 202 00:07:01,114 --> 00:07:02,314 Okay, I know what I sound like. 203 00:07:02,366 --> 00:07:03,982 So what... what should I write, then? 204 00:07:04,034 --> 00:07:05,650 Uh, "come over. 205 00:07:05,736 --> 00:07:07,319 Come and get this." Something like that. 206 00:07:07,404 --> 00:07:09,237 I can't say that. That seems a bit aggressive. 207 00:07:09,323 --> 00:07:10,872 It's not aggressive enough, man. 208 00:07:10,957 --> 00:07:12,374 How 'bout this, dude? 209 00:07:12,459 --> 00:07:14,409 Send her a picture of your penis. 210 00:07:14,494 --> 00:07:16,745 Ooh, shh. Yeah. Caption... 211 00:07:16,830 --> 00:07:17,962 "Guess who." 212 00:07:17,998 --> 00:07:19,497 (Whoops) 213 00:07:19,549 --> 00:07:20,832 I can't... 214 00:07:20,884 --> 00:07:22,467 I-I think I need another opinion. 215 00:07:22,502 --> 00:07:24,552 Josh, are you okay? 216 00:07:24,638 --> 00:07:26,838 I want to text Laura, but I-I don't know what to say. 217 00:07:26,923 --> 00:07:28,723 - You said it was an emergency. - Well, it is. 218 00:07:28,809 --> 00:07:30,425 I really like this girl, I don't want to blow it. 219 00:07:30,510 --> 00:07:32,177 - Oh, my God. - Wait, wait! Listen, listen to this. 220 00:07:32,262 --> 00:07:35,013 Uh, uh, "Hi, Laura, it's Josh from the train. 221 00:07:35,065 --> 00:07:36,348 Great meeting you. Come get this." 222 00:07:36,433 --> 00:07:38,337 That's pretty good, right? 223 00:07:40,153 --> 00:07:41,353 Cancel my 2:00. 224 00:07:41,405 --> 00:07:42,654 I have a family emergency. 225 00:07:42,689 --> 00:07:43,970 I got it. 226 00:07:43,990 --> 00:07:45,607 - Okay. - "Laura." 227 00:07:45,692 --> 00:07:47,525 - Period. - Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. 228 00:07:47,611 --> 00:07:50,195 "It's your stranger from the train. (Gasps) 229 00:07:50,247 --> 00:07:51,746 - Film reference. - Nice. 230 00:07:51,832 --> 00:07:53,748 Liz: "Would you do me the honor 231 00:07:53,834 --> 00:07:57,252 of joining me for dinner this Friday's eve?" 232 00:07:57,337 --> 00:07:59,254 I like it. That's pretty good, yeah. 233 00:07:59,339 --> 00:08:01,039 - "This Friday's Eve"? - Yeah. 234 00:08:01,091 --> 00:08:03,091 It's clever, it's quirky... 235 00:08:03,176 --> 00:08:04,542 - That sucks. - I've been in 236 00:08:04,628 --> 00:08:06,378 a long-distance relationship for three years. 237 00:08:06,463 --> 00:08:07,379 That's why you don't know anything. 238 00:08:07,464 --> 00:08:08,880 I have sex with women. 239 00:08:08,932 --> 00:08:09,964 - I know how to talk to women. - Do you? 240 00:08:10,050 --> 00:08:11,466 Or do you just say, "uh, uh, 241 00:08:11,551 --> 00:08:13,218 put your butt on my face." 242 00:08:13,270 --> 00:08:15,270 Yeah, I say, "put my butt on your face." 243 00:08:15,355 --> 00:08:16,354 Type that, 'cause that's better than "this Friday's eve." 244 00:08:16,390 --> 00:08:17,772 Thank you. Um... 245 00:08:17,858 --> 00:08:19,957 I think I need another opinion. 246 00:08:22,396 --> 00:08:24,229 To me, the course of action is clear. 247 00:08:24,314 --> 00:08:26,281 The text, above all, ought to be cute. 248 00:08:26,366 --> 00:08:27,899 I would deploy 249 00:08:27,951 --> 00:08:28,950 an emoji. 250 00:08:29,035 --> 00:08:30,318 Perhaps a crying 251 00:08:30,404 --> 00:08:32,737 wah-wah face or a winky kitten. 252 00:08:32,789 --> 00:08:35,323 I... I... a well-placed kitten, actually, could... 253 00:08:35,409 --> 00:08:37,125 Sir? If I may... 254 00:08:37,210 --> 00:08:38,076 Our research indicates 255 00:08:38,128 --> 00:08:39,327 that women enjoy texts 256 00:08:39,413 --> 00:08:41,246 in which you reference something 257 00:08:41,298 --> 00:08:42,163 that you talked about before. 258 00:08:42,249 --> 00:08:43,998 We... we have no idea why. 259 00:08:44,084 --> 00:08:45,750 Josh: Okay, well, let's-let's run with that, then. 260 00:08:45,802 --> 00:08:47,919 What are... what are some things I said to Laura on the train? 261 00:08:47,971 --> 00:08:49,721 Scientist: Okay... You talked about the weather... 262 00:08:49,756 --> 00:08:51,903 The fact that it was a weekend... 263 00:08:53,107 --> 00:08:54,175 Um... 264 00:08:54,261 --> 00:08:56,680 The fact that you were on a train... 265 00:08:58,598 --> 00:08:59,347 (Laughing): Wait. 266 00:08:59,433 --> 00:09:00,849 I've got it. 267 00:09:00,934 --> 00:09:02,267 "Choo-choo! 268 00:09:02,319 --> 00:09:04,519 "It's Josh from the train. 269 00:09:04,604 --> 00:09:06,654 Next stop, dinner!" 270 00:09:06,740 --> 00:09:08,523 (Laughs) Right? 271 00:09:08,608 --> 00:09:09,991 That's really cute. 272 00:09:10,076 --> 00:09:11,609 It's really good. 273 00:09:11,695 --> 00:09:13,411 - It's good. - Josh: Yes. 274 00:09:13,447 --> 00:09:14,362 It's one... Yeah, okay, it's just... 275 00:09:14,448 --> 00:09:15,663 We have a lot of ideas. 276 00:09:15,749 --> 00:09:17,782 That's a classy problem to have. 277 00:09:17,834 --> 00:09:19,083 Tell you what. I'm gonna start it off. 278 00:09:19,119 --> 00:09:20,869 (Clears throat loudly) 279 00:09:20,954 --> 00:09:22,954 "Hey, it's Josh." 280 00:09:23,039 --> 00:09:24,255 General: See? Already, you've failed. 281 00:09:24,291 --> 00:09:26,207 You've got a comma after your "hey" 282 00:09:26,293 --> 00:09:27,959 and a period after "Josh." 283 00:09:28,044 --> 00:09:30,545 What's next, semicolons and footnotes? 284 00:09:30,630 --> 00:09:32,430 Okay, fine, no... No punctuation. 285 00:09:32,466 --> 00:09:34,632 No, I... If you look at the data, 286 00:09:34,684 --> 00:09:36,768 you will see that women are going nuts 287 00:09:36,803 --> 00:09:39,220 - for punctuation. - That is true. 288 00:09:39,306 --> 00:09:40,722 Exclamation points, in particular. 289 00:09:40,807 --> 00:09:42,774 I would... I would suggest 50. 290 00:09:42,809 --> 00:09:45,226 Fifty? 291 00:09:45,312 --> 00:09:47,695 - So now we're screaming at her? - Time is critical right now. 292 00:09:47,781 --> 00:09:49,397 - If you would just listen! - We only have one chance to do this right. 293 00:09:49,483 --> 00:09:50,398 I'll just masturbate. (Talking over each other) 294 00:09:50,484 --> 00:09:51,866 I'll just masturbate. 295 00:09:51,952 --> 00:09:53,818 Mike: Look at us! 296 00:09:53,904 --> 00:09:56,120 Panicking like a bunch of frightened children. 297 00:09:56,156 --> 00:09:59,491 What happened to us? 298 00:09:59,543 --> 00:10:01,826 What happened to America? 299 00:10:01,912 --> 00:10:04,245 ("Battle hymn of the Republic" begins) 300 00:10:04,331 --> 00:10:06,915 There was a farmer from Virginia. 301 00:10:07,000 --> 00:10:09,751 He had a funny little idea 302 00:10:09,836 --> 00:10:11,336 about starting a country based on freedom. 303 00:10:11,421 --> 00:10:12,804 You might have heard of him. 304 00:10:12,839 --> 00:10:14,973 His name was George Washington. 305 00:10:15,008 --> 00:10:18,059 Josh... 306 00:10:18,144 --> 00:10:19,677 Send Laura a dick pic. 307 00:10:19,763 --> 00:10:22,397 I'm sorry, did you just say "dick pic"? 308 00:10:22,482 --> 00:10:24,599 Through the boxers, fully erect, 309 00:10:24,684 --> 00:10:27,485 with a quarter in the frame to show its size. 310 00:10:27,521 --> 00:10:29,153 Look. 311 00:10:29,189 --> 00:10:30,688 We can send a normal text 312 00:10:30,740 --> 00:10:32,857 that's smart and funny 313 00:10:32,943 --> 00:10:35,193 and references a thing from before. 314 00:10:35,245 --> 00:10:37,362 And we could get that dinner on Friday. 315 00:10:37,414 --> 00:10:38,997 But where would that lead to? 316 00:10:39,032 --> 00:10:40,365 Another text? 317 00:10:40,450 --> 00:10:41,699 Another dinner? 318 00:10:41,785 --> 00:10:43,668 Text, dinner, text, dinner! 319 00:10:43,703 --> 00:10:46,704 The goal isn't texts and dinners! 320 00:10:46,756 --> 00:10:48,553 It's sex! 321 00:10:48,573 --> 00:10:50,621 We want sex! 322 00:10:50,641 --> 00:10:52,627 And if that's not something she wants, 323 00:10:52,712 --> 00:10:54,546 well, then, we need to know right now! 324 00:10:54,598 --> 00:10:55,713 Yeah! 325 00:10:55,765 --> 00:10:58,883 Perhaps it's fate that today is the fourth of July. 326 00:10:58,969 --> 00:11:01,135 It's November 12. 327 00:11:01,221 --> 00:11:03,271 Today let's not be coy. 328 00:11:03,356 --> 00:11:07,225 Let's not be smart or funny or quirky. 329 00:11:07,277 --> 00:11:09,394 Let's pull down our pants, 330 00:11:09,446 --> 00:11:11,813 take out our dick, 331 00:11:11,898 --> 00:11:15,149 jerk off a little bit to make it hard, 332 00:11:15,235 --> 00:11:17,735 and send her a picture of it with the caption... 333 00:11:17,787 --> 00:11:18,903 "guess who." 334 00:11:18,955 --> 00:11:19,904 Yes! 335 00:11:21,458 --> 00:11:23,157 All (Chanting): Dick pic! 336 00:11:23,243 --> 00:11:25,577 Dick pic! Dick pic! Dick pic! 337 00:11:25,662 --> 00:11:27,412 Yeah, uh, I don't, I don't, I don't really want 338 00:11:27,464 --> 00:11:28,880 to send her a picture of my dick. 339 00:11:28,915 --> 00:11:30,331 Yeah, it's a really bad idea. 340 00:11:30,417 --> 00:11:31,716 It's a terrible, terrible idea. All right. 341 00:11:31,751 --> 00:11:32,667 Oh, my God, thank God. 342 00:11:32,752 --> 00:11:35,253 Oh, it's just all wrong. 343 00:11:35,305 --> 00:11:36,554 Doesn't add up. 344 00:11:36,590 --> 00:11:38,256 Think, Josh, think. 345 00:11:41,553 --> 00:11:43,116 I got it. 346 00:11:44,397 --> 00:11:45,513 Liz: What's he doing? 347 00:11:45,599 --> 00:11:46,848 Josh, be careful. 348 00:11:52,188 --> 00:11:53,938 Liz: It's in all caps. 349 00:11:54,024 --> 00:11:57,609 "Hi, Laura, it's Josh from the train. 350 00:11:57,661 --> 00:11:59,777 "Great meeting you. 351 00:11:59,829 --> 00:12:01,412 Want to get dinner Friday?" 352 00:12:01,448 --> 00:12:04,115 Liz: No jokes. No references. 353 00:12:04,167 --> 00:12:06,250 Well, it's just a normal thing, like someone would say. 354 00:12:06,286 --> 00:12:07,835 Will it work? 355 00:12:07,921 --> 00:12:10,121 There's only one way to find out. 356 00:12:12,626 --> 00:12:14,042 Here it goes. 357 00:12:14,127 --> 00:12:15,376 Oh, God. 358 00:12:15,462 --> 00:12:16,928 "Hi, Laura, 359 00:12:16,963 --> 00:12:19,764 it's Josh from the train." 360 00:12:19,833 --> 00:12:22,133 (Gasping, siren blaring) 361 00:12:22,185 --> 00:12:24,135 General: "Josh from the traib"? What the hell's a traib?! 362 00:12:24,187 --> 00:12:25,770 She's gonna think we're crazy. 363 00:12:25,805 --> 00:12:27,605 Josh: Oh, my God. Okay, delete, delete, delete, delete, delete. 364 00:12:27,641 --> 00:12:29,807 "It's Josh... 365 00:12:29,893 --> 00:12:32,360 from the train." 366 00:12:32,445 --> 00:12:33,778 (Relieved sighing, siren stops) 367 00:12:33,813 --> 00:12:35,063 (Groans) 368 00:12:35,148 --> 00:12:36,447 Josh: "Great meeting you." 369 00:12:36,483 --> 00:12:38,316 - Uh... - Liz: You got it. 370 00:12:38,368 --> 00:12:41,202 "Want to get dinner 371 00:12:41,287 --> 00:12:43,621 this Friday?" 372 00:12:43,657 --> 00:12:45,323 Here goes nothing. 373 00:12:47,327 --> 00:12:49,043 - May God forgive us. - Josh: Sending. 374 00:12:49,129 --> 00:12:50,545 Liz: Oh, it's so slow. 375 00:12:50,630 --> 00:12:52,830 Mike: Come on. What service do you have? 376 00:12:52,916 --> 00:12:54,549 Josh: Send, damn you. Send, damn you. 377 00:12:54,634 --> 00:12:56,050 Come on! 378 00:12:56,136 --> 00:12:57,358 Oh. Come on! 379 00:12:58,672 --> 00:13:00,505 Okay, it went through. 380 00:13:00,590 --> 00:13:02,507 The text went through. 381 00:13:08,181 --> 00:13:11,399 It's been almost 15 seconds since Josh texted Laura, 382 00:13:11,484 --> 00:13:13,518 and still no response. 383 00:13:13,603 --> 00:13:16,187 By this point, Laura must have seen the text, 384 00:13:16,272 --> 00:13:18,489 even if she was in the bathroom or something, 385 00:13:18,525 --> 00:13:20,491 and yet the silence continues. 386 00:13:20,527 --> 00:13:21,943 What does it all mean? 387 00:13:22,028 --> 00:13:23,945 Was the text too forward? 388 00:13:24,030 --> 00:13:25,329 Not forward enough? 389 00:13:25,365 --> 00:13:27,615 Did she hate the text? 390 00:13:27,701 --> 00:13:29,777 There's just no way to know. 391 00:13:39,175 --> 00:13:41,726 Maybe she doesn't want to seem too overeager. 392 00:13:41,761 --> 00:13:42,894 Maybe she's in the shower. 393 00:13:42,929 --> 00:13:45,030 She's not in the goddamn shower. 394 00:13:45,050 --> 00:13:48,833 She hated the text... she's never gonna respond. 395 00:13:48,869 --> 00:13:50,702 Hey, relax, my man. 396 00:13:50,754 --> 00:13:52,203 We have to save face. 397 00:13:52,289 --> 00:13:54,038 We have to pretend we were just kidding. 398 00:13:54,124 --> 00:13:55,790 Text "jk." 399 00:13:55,876 --> 00:13:57,625 Liz: Hey, get him out of here! Text "jk"! 400 00:13:57,711 --> 00:13:59,461 Get him out of here. 401 00:13:59,546 --> 00:14:00,712 Oh, my God. 402 00:14:00,797 --> 00:14:03,214 (Screaming) 403 00:14:04,551 --> 00:14:05,850 Text "jk." 404 00:14:05,886 --> 00:14:07,685 Text "jk"! 405 00:14:07,721 --> 00:14:09,554 Man: Sir? 406 00:14:09,606 --> 00:14:11,589 It's been over a minute. 407 00:14:11,658 --> 00:14:13,391 - It's not looking good. - Thank you, Wallace. 408 00:14:13,477 --> 00:14:14,559 You're just doing your job. 409 00:14:14,611 --> 00:14:16,043 Yes, sir. 410 00:14:16,897 --> 00:14:18,730 Okay, um... 411 00:14:21,735 --> 00:14:23,638 Let's pack it up, people. 412 00:14:25,238 --> 00:14:26,654 You sent one hell of a text. 413 00:14:26,740 --> 00:14:28,206 Thank you. We-we all, we all sent 414 00:14:28,241 --> 00:14:29,741 one hell of a text. 415 00:14:29,793 --> 00:14:31,493 Look! 416 00:14:31,578 --> 00:14:33,344 Th-the things, th-the little bubbly things! 417 00:14:33,413 --> 00:14:34,996 She's writing back, she's responding. 418 00:14:36,299 --> 00:14:37,966 (Cheering) 419 00:14:56,686 --> 00:14:58,676 I'm going out with Laura. 420 00:15:45,294 --> 00:15:47,127 Just wanted to make sure he had his order. 421 00:15:47,162 --> 00:15:48,461 Oh, okay. 422 00:15:48,497 --> 00:15:49,829 Well, we did it. 423 00:15:49,915 --> 00:15:50,830 We did it. 424 00:15:50,883 --> 00:15:51,831 We're here. 425 00:15:51,917 --> 00:15:53,383 Yep. 426 00:15:53,468 --> 00:15:57,137 It's, uh, you know, it's pretty, uh, crazy that we, uh, met on the train. 427 00:15:57,172 --> 00:15:58,471 Yeah, y-y-yeah. 428 00:15:58,507 --> 00:15:59,973 It's so... It's so crazy. 429 00:16:00,008 --> 00:16:01,346 Yeah. Um... 430 00:16:01,366 --> 00:16:02,562 But, you know, not, like, crazy bad. 431 00:16:02,582 --> 00:16:04,227 No. No, it-it's definitely good crazy. 432 00:16:04,313 --> 00:16:05,696 It's definitely... Oh, y-y-yeah. 433 00:16:05,781 --> 00:16:07,564 Like something from a romantic comedy. 434 00:16:07,649 --> 00:16:09,412 Yes, like, uh, um... 435 00:16:10,986 --> 00:16:12,369 When Harry met Sally. 436 00:16:12,454 --> 00:16:14,237 Yes, th-that's a romantic comedy. 437 00:16:14,323 --> 00:16:15,822 Yeah. 438 00:16:15,874 --> 00:16:18,241 Um... Sleepless in Seattle. 439 00:16:18,327 --> 00:16:19,376 - Also a romantic comedy. - Yeah. 440 00:16:19,461 --> 00:16:20,627 - Y-y-y-yeah, yeah. - Yeah. 441 00:16:20,662 --> 00:16:22,629 Must love dogs. 442 00:16:22,664 --> 00:16:23,797 What? 443 00:16:23,832 --> 00:16:25,165 Uh... uh... 444 00:16:25,217 --> 00:16:26,917 It's a romantic comedy. 445 00:16:27,002 --> 00:16:28,468 Oh, I'll have to see that one. 446 00:16:28,504 --> 00:16:30,456 Yeah, oh, y-you definitely do. 447 00:16:33,142 --> 00:16:35,008 Hmm. 448 00:16:37,229 --> 00:16:39,012 J-Jerry Maguire. 449 00:16:41,850 --> 00:16:43,850 What? 450 00:16:43,902 --> 00:16:45,685 J-Jerry Maguire. 451 00:16:56,624 --> 00:16:59,199 Is it, is it... H-how is it? 452 00:16:59,251 --> 00:17:01,034 It's really sweet. 453 00:17:01,086 --> 00:17:02,919 Do you want, do you want to get, uh, something else? 454 00:17:03,005 --> 00:17:04,838 No, it's fine, it's, um... 455 00:17:04,873 --> 00:17:06,206 It's also there were... 456 00:17:06,291 --> 00:17:08,041 It's also has... 457 00:17:08,093 --> 00:17:10,127 Is good... and fine. 458 00:17:10,212 --> 00:17:11,545 - I feel bad, do you want...? - No, n-n-no. 459 00:17:11,597 --> 00:17:13,180 I-I'll just... I can just watch you eat. 460 00:17:13,215 --> 00:17:15,265 It's fine. 461 00:17:15,350 --> 00:17:17,551 Got water. (Chuckles) 462 00:17:19,605 --> 00:17:21,388 Uh... 463 00:17:21,440 --> 00:17:23,390 - Oh, you first. - No, no, you-you go first. 464 00:17:23,475 --> 00:17:24,608 You go first. 465 00:17:24,693 --> 00:17:25,725 No, you-you go first. 466 00:17:27,062 --> 00:17:28,228 You. 467 00:17:28,313 --> 00:17:29,896 Okay, (Stammers) 468 00:17:29,948 --> 00:17:33,050 I was just gonna ask you, a-are you having an okay time? 469 00:17:34,440 --> 00:17:35,452 Yeah. 470 00:17:37,456 --> 00:17:38,572 Are you gay? 471 00:17:38,624 --> 00:17:39,873 What? Um... 472 00:17:39,908 --> 00:17:41,408 (Mouth full): No... 473 00:17:41,460 --> 00:17:42,492 No. 474 00:17:42,578 --> 00:17:43,460 Right. 475 00:17:44,663 --> 00:17:45,662 Whenever you're ready. 476 00:17:45,747 --> 00:17:47,380 Both: Thank you. 477 00:17:47,416 --> 00:17:49,082 I-I got this. 478 00:17:49,168 --> 00:17:50,467 Um, how about we split it? 479 00:17:50,552 --> 00:17:52,419 Oh, n-n-n-no, please, I'm, uh, a gentleman. 480 00:17:52,471 --> 00:17:54,004 I... allow me. 481 00:17:54,089 --> 00:17:56,139 Let's split it. 482 00:17:59,845 --> 00:18:01,094 Laura: Okay, bye. 483 00:18:01,180 --> 00:18:03,013 (String quartet music plays) 484 00:18:05,416 --> 00:18:07,463 _ 485 00:18:08,554 --> 00:18:10,788 _ 486 00:18:10,912 --> 00:18:14,710 _ 487 00:18:47,809 --> 00:18:48,725 O-okay, guys, that's... 488 00:18:48,810 --> 00:18:49,969 Y-you can stop. 489 00:18:50,242 --> 00:18:51,384 Where is Laura? 490 00:18:51,404 --> 00:18:52,525 When does she come? 491 00:18:52,545 --> 00:18:53,890 Uh, sh-she doesn't come. 492 00:18:53,910 --> 00:18:56,186 Uh, the date didn't really go very well. 493 00:18:56,206 --> 00:18:58,018 (Sighs) This is disappointment. 494 00:18:58,104 --> 00:19:00,688 I have high hopes that this was going to happen. 495 00:19:00,773 --> 00:19:02,156 Yeah, yeah. 496 00:19:02,191 --> 00:19:03,691 I, uh, I kind of felt the same way. 497 00:19:03,743 --> 00:19:06,843 (Gasps) I know, we do concert for one. 498 00:19:06,863 --> 00:19:08,279 (Music begins) 499 00:19:08,364 --> 00:19:10,081 Uh, that's very nice of you, 500 00:19:10,166 --> 00:19:13,000 but, uh, I kind of think I just want to be alone right now. 501 00:19:13,035 --> 00:19:14,535 So if you guys just want to pack it up, that's... 502 00:19:14,587 --> 00:19:16,705 Oh, okay, I understand. 503 00:19:17,375 --> 00:19:18,690 Thank you. 504 00:19:20,093 --> 00:19:21,342 Eh. Love. 505 00:19:21,377 --> 00:19:22,888 (Chuckling) 506 00:19:22,908 --> 00:19:24,911 It's a crazy thing. 507 00:19:24,931 --> 00:19:29,068 One day you're up, and then you're down. 508 00:19:29,088 --> 00:19:30,371 But you listen to me. 509 00:19:30,391 --> 00:19:35,003 One day you will find a beautiful woman. 510 00:19:35,023 --> 00:19:37,407 And she will be warm. 511 00:19:37,492 --> 00:19:38,858 And giving. 512 00:19:38,944 --> 00:19:42,862 And she will deserve... your love. 513 00:19:42,915 --> 00:19:44,197 Okay. 514 00:19:44,283 --> 00:19:45,699 Thank you, thank you. 515 00:19:45,784 --> 00:19:47,617 I-I appreciate... I needed to hear that. 516 00:19:47,703 --> 00:19:48,702 Okay. 517 00:19:48,754 --> 00:19:49,869 And one more thing. 518 00:19:49,955 --> 00:19:51,871 Yeah. 519 00:19:51,924 --> 00:19:54,841 Can I use your bathroom? 520 00:19:55,447 --> 00:19:56,626 Oh, yeah, of course, yeah, right-right there. 521 00:19:56,712 --> 00:19:58,962 Oh, thank you. 522 00:19:59,047 --> 00:20:01,131 Eh... 523 00:20:01,216 --> 00:20:03,049 Is a number two. 524 00:20:03,101 --> 00:20:04,384 Uh... okay. 525 00:20:04,436 --> 00:20:06,019 Jan, he makes a joke. 526 00:20:06,054 --> 00:20:08,555 We have pierogi for dinner, 527 00:20:08,640 --> 00:20:10,473 and he take pepper flake top off, 528 00:20:10,559 --> 00:20:13,310 and he put too much. 529 00:20:13,395 --> 00:20:15,061 - Oh, my God. - I did not see it. 530 00:20:15,113 --> 00:20:16,529 And then, you know, eat, no, I... 531 00:20:16,565 --> 00:20:18,231 - Like, four big bites. - Oh, God. 532 00:20:18,317 --> 00:20:22,152 And now feels like a big storm in my tummy 533 00:20:22,237 --> 00:20:23,320 and is gonna explode. 534 00:20:23,405 --> 00:20:24,404 Oh, okay. 535 00:20:24,456 --> 00:20:25,322 Yeah, that's... That's good. 536 00:20:25,407 --> 00:20:26,573 Is gonna be stinky. 537 00:20:26,658 --> 00:20:28,375 - Uh, okay. - Is okay? 538 00:20:28,410 --> 00:20:30,794 Yeah, yeah, I don't know what to do with that information. 539 00:20:30,879 --> 00:20:32,746 - I apprec... - Well, fair warning, right? 540 00:20:32,831 --> 00:20:34,323 - Yeah. - Eh. 541 00:20:38,839 --> 00:20:39,970 Violinist: Uh, Joshua? 542 00:20:40,055 --> 00:20:41,171 Yeah. 543 00:20:41,256 --> 00:20:42,756 You have wet wipes? 544 00:20:42,808 --> 00:20:45,091 Uh... oh, my God. 545 00:20:45,143 --> 00:20:46,926 Uh, can you bring me a wet towel? 546 00:20:46,979 --> 00:20:49,596 - It shot out like cannon. - Oh, for...beep... sake. 547 00:20:55,061 --> 00:20:56,920 - I have more to come. - Okay. 548 00:20:57,005 --> 00:20:58,004 I jumped the gun. 549 00:20:58,090 --> 00:20:59,472 No, no, come in here. Come... 550 00:20:59,508 --> 00:21:01,007 - No, I'm not... no. - No, I can't reach it. 551 00:21:01,059 --> 00:21:03,810 It's on the floor, man, I can't pick it up. 552 00:21:04,289 --> 00:21:07,528 sync and corrected by ninh www.addic7ed.com 553 00:21:07,578 --> 00:21:12,128 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 36705

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