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1
00:00:02,508 --> 00:00:05,959
(banging)
(cries out)
2
00:00:06,011 --> 00:00:08,345
Sorry.
3
00:00:08,464 --> 00:00:15,684
Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
4
00:00:15,804 --> 00:00:16,896
You're Louie C.K.?
5
00:00:17,016 --> 00:00:18,188
Yeah.
6
00:00:18,273 --> 00:00:19,473
I'm here from the club.
7
00:00:19,525 --> 00:00:21,011
Oh, you work at the club?
8
00:00:21,131 --> 00:00:22,392
Yeah, it's my dad's club.
9
00:00:22,478 --> 00:00:24,060
I'm taking you to the condo.
10
00:00:24,229 --> 00:00:25,645
Okay.
11
00:00:25,731 --> 00:00:28,732
(breathing nervously)
12
00:00:36,825 --> 00:00:38,954
Look at that guy--
Look at that guy.
13
00:00:39,279 --> 00:00:40,911
Look at that guy's crazy
14
00:00:40,996 --> 00:00:43,713
in that car in front of us.
15
00:00:49,721 --> 00:00:53,807
So what is Oklahoma City like?
16
00:00:53,842 --> 00:00:54,925
It's okay...
17
00:00:55,010 --> 00:00:58,395
as long as you stay
out of downtown.
18
00:00:58,480 --> 00:01:00,847
Why? What's wrong
with downtown?
19
00:01:00,899 --> 00:01:03,683
Too many sickies.
20
00:01:03,769 --> 00:01:05,318
Too many what?
Sickies?
21
00:01:05,354 --> 00:01:08,738
What's that?
You mean like sick people?
22
00:01:08,824 --> 00:01:11,024
No, forget it.
23
00:01:11,193 --> 00:01:14,361
Sickies.
24
00:01:14,446 --> 00:01:17,414
Sickies, I never--
I never heard that.
25
00:01:17,499 --> 00:01:19,366
What is a sickie?
What are sickies?
26
00:01:19,501 --> 00:01:22,702
Mexicans.
27
00:01:22,754 --> 00:01:26,873
This is your condo.
28
00:01:29,044 --> 00:01:30,460
Hey!
This is Kenny.
29
00:01:30,596 --> 00:01:31,511
He's your opener.
30
00:01:31,630 --> 00:01:33,213
Hey, how you doing, man?
31
00:01:33,265 --> 00:01:35,048
Hey, uh, Eva, real quick.
32
00:01:35,133 --> 00:01:37,334
You mind if I cram my dick
in your asshole for a minute?
33
00:01:37,386 --> 00:01:39,386
Uh, I'll pick you guys up later.
34
00:01:39,555 --> 00:01:41,188
All right, later then.
35
00:01:41,223 --> 00:01:43,723
Hey, come on in, man.
Okay.
36
00:01:43,809 --> 00:01:45,892
How's in going.
All right.
37
00:01:46,228 --> 00:01:48,361
Louie C.K.?
38
00:01:48,397 --> 00:01:49,863
Yeah.
Yeah. Kenny.
39
00:01:49,948 --> 00:01:52,065
Good to meet you, man.
Hey, nice to meet you.
40
00:01:52,150 --> 00:01:53,283
Uh, this the living room
over here.
41
00:01:53,402 --> 00:01:54,401
Okay.
42
00:01:54,486 --> 00:01:55,318
Your bedroom
is right over there.
43
00:01:55,454 --> 00:01:56,446
Got it.
44
00:01:56,566 --> 00:01:58,205
Um, hey, you want
to get started?
45
00:01:58,240 --> 00:01:59,406
It's after 11 a.m.
46
00:01:59,458 --> 00:02:01,541
Oh, no thanks, man.
Thank you though.
47
00:02:01,627 --> 00:02:03,410
Oh, you're sober I guess, right?
48
00:02:03,495 --> 00:02:04,411
No, no, I just don't--
I don't--
49
00:02:04,463 --> 00:02:07,247
I don't start
drinking this early.
50
00:02:07,332 --> 00:02:08,215
I got kids and stuff, you know?
51
00:02:08,250 --> 00:02:11,276
Oh. All right, I mean.
52
00:02:11,396 --> 00:02:12,799
I got three myself, but...
53
00:02:12,919 --> 00:02:14,061
Nah, it's cool, whatever.
54
00:02:14,523 --> 00:02:15,327
- Okay.
- No problem.
55
00:02:15,447 --> 00:02:16,806
Alright man,
I'm gonna--
56
00:02:16,892 --> 00:02:18,091
Yeah.
I'll see you later.
57
00:02:18,260 --> 00:02:19,259
All right.
58
00:02:24,149 --> 00:02:25,181
(sighs)
59
00:02:31,607 --> 00:02:32,939
(Kenny)
Don't even--
60
00:02:33,025 --> 00:02:33,690
Don't even give a comic
a hand job, nothing.
61
00:02:33,775 --> 00:02:35,075
They'll just beg for it.
62
00:02:35,110 --> 00:02:36,276
They'll go, "Look,
just give me a hand job.
63
00:02:36,328 --> 00:02:38,411
"You know, I'm gonna
go back to the condo
64
00:02:38,447 --> 00:02:39,663
and masturbate anyway."
65
00:02:39,748 --> 00:02:41,164
And a lot of them
want their finger in their ass
66
00:02:41,250 --> 00:02:42,499
as your jerking them off.
67
00:02:42,584 --> 00:02:43,416
Don't do that.
Jesus man!
68
00:02:43,452 --> 00:02:45,952
I'm trying to help her out.
69
00:02:46,004 --> 00:02:48,588
Just go back to school,
no finger in the ass.
70
00:02:48,707 --> 00:02:50,624
What, dude?
71
00:02:50,676 --> 00:02:54,261
If you've got a big penis,
or you got a lot of money.
72
00:02:54,296 --> 00:02:56,463
You look Irish so you obviously
have a lot of money then, huh?
73
00:02:56,548 --> 00:03:00,100
(crowd cheers)
74
00:03:00,135 --> 00:03:03,970
Look at those tits on her,
they're huge.
75
00:03:04,056 --> 00:03:06,106
She could breast feed Ethiopia
with those things.
76
00:03:06,141 --> 00:03:08,191
You don't mind
if I masturbate later
77
00:03:08,277 --> 00:03:09,726
thinking about them, do you?
78
00:03:09,811 --> 00:03:11,645
No? Good.
I might just do it right now.
79
00:03:11,730 --> 00:03:13,647
I got to have a good solid hour
80
00:03:13,782 --> 00:03:16,149
out of you every night,
all right?
81
00:03:16,234 --> 00:03:19,286
Now, I require my headliners
to wear a suit
82
00:03:19,321 --> 00:03:23,907
or at least a jacket
and not to swear.
83
00:03:23,992 --> 00:03:25,492
Okay, I don't wear a suit,
first of all.
84
00:03:25,544 --> 00:03:27,994
I don't wear a jacket, I don't
dress like that on stage.
85
00:03:28,080 --> 00:03:29,496
No, that's not gonna do it.
86
00:03:29,665 --> 00:03:30,964
Well, that's me.
87
00:03:30,999 --> 00:03:32,959
I mean, I've never worn
a suit on stage or jacket.
88
00:03:33,001 --> 00:03:36,336
So, that's just--
That's how I dress.
89
00:03:36,421 --> 00:03:39,339
I can send you home right now.
90
00:03:39,391 --> 00:03:40,840
(Kenny) ...you know I
got a small dick...
91
00:03:40,892 --> 00:03:42,258
(clears throat)
92
00:03:42,344 --> 00:03:44,094
Okay, yeah, I guess you could,
93
00:03:44,179 --> 00:03:46,563
um, but I'm not
gonna change how I dress.
94
00:03:46,648 --> 00:03:49,683
So what do you want to do?
95
00:03:49,768 --> 00:03:52,986
You're starting this week
inside of my ass.
96
00:03:53,021 --> 00:03:54,070
(Kenny) All right, thanks man.
97
00:03:54,156 --> 00:03:55,436
You guys ready
for the headliner?
98
00:03:55,440 --> 00:03:57,273
(crowd cheers)
99
00:03:57,359 --> 00:03:58,408
(Kenny) This guy's great, man.
100
00:03:58,493 --> 00:03:59,659
You've seen him
on David Lettermen,
101
00:03:59,695 --> 00:04:00,493
you heard him on the Tony show.
102
00:04:00,529 --> 00:04:03,363
Give it up for Louie C.K..
103
00:04:03,448 --> 00:04:05,949
(audience cheers)
104
00:04:13,458 --> 00:04:14,541
Thank you.
105
00:04:14,626 --> 00:04:15,542
Thank you, how you guys doing?
106
00:04:15,594 --> 00:04:16,459
(audience) Good!
107
00:04:16,595 --> 00:04:17,711
Good. Good.
108
00:04:17,763 --> 00:04:19,379
Pleasure to be here in Oklahoma.
109
00:04:19,514 --> 00:04:21,181
(audience cheers)
110
00:04:21,216 --> 00:04:22,849
All right.
I live in New York City.
111
00:04:22,884 --> 00:04:25,385
And it's, uh,
kind of a dif-- Weird, uh--
112
00:04:25,437 --> 00:04:26,811
I was reading in the paper
the other day
113
00:04:26,931 --> 00:04:29,146
that 85% of the people in New York
114
00:04:29,266 --> 00:04:30,595
are minorities.
115
00:04:32,834 --> 00:04:34,527
Don't you want to spot calling
the minorities
116
00:04:34,563 --> 00:04:36,312
when they get to 85%?
117
00:04:36,398 --> 00:04:37,480
(audience faint laughter)
118
00:04:38,293 --> 00:04:39,973
You know, it's very much
white people math.
119
00:04:40,029 --> 00:04:42,452
You know, it's like you can
take a white guy to Africa,
120
00:04:42,537 --> 00:04:45,288
and he'd be like, "Look at all
the minorities they got over here."
121
00:04:45,374 --> 00:04:49,325
I'm the only majority here.
122
00:04:49,411 --> 00:04:51,778
Anyway, I was, uh--
123
00:04:59,981 --> 00:05:01,688
Hey, good morning, man.
Hey, how you doing?
124
00:05:01,808 --> 00:05:02,768
You want some breakfast?
125
00:05:03,141 --> 00:05:04,474
No, thank you very much.
126
00:05:04,526 --> 00:05:06,359
No? Uh, girls, this is Louie.
127
00:05:06,445 --> 00:05:09,979
He's the headliner.
This is, uh...
128
00:05:10,065 --> 00:05:12,075
Stacy, this is Karen.
129
00:05:12,774 --> 00:05:15,368
That's not actually their names
but close enough.
130
00:05:15,454 --> 00:05:16,768
Right.
131
00:05:17,018 --> 00:05:18,621
I'm just gonna go for a walk.
132
00:05:18,657 --> 00:05:19,656
So I'll see you later.
133
00:05:19,708 --> 00:05:20,990
You're gonna go for a walk
around here?
134
00:05:21,076 --> 00:05:25,128
Yeah. Anyways,
nice to meet you.
135
00:05:25,163 --> 00:05:26,329
All right.
136
00:05:26,414 --> 00:05:28,164
See you later.
137
00:05:28,250 --> 00:05:29,382
Enjoy your walk.
138
00:05:29,468 --> 00:05:31,417
(chuckling)
139
00:05:31,503 --> 00:05:37,807
140
00:06:15,597 --> 00:06:25,181
(violin playing)
141
00:07:09,383 --> 00:07:14,654
Oh, my God, this is gorgeous.
142
00:07:14,739 --> 00:07:16,105
Hi, there.
I'll be right with you.
143
00:07:16,191 --> 00:07:19,192
Oh, no, that's okay, thank you.
144
00:07:19,277 --> 00:07:21,879
And this--
Oh, this is perfect for you.
145
00:07:21,990 --> 00:07:23,457
Oh, wow.
146
00:07:23,542 --> 00:07:25,826
Yeah, we want to do
the Civil War one.
147
00:07:25,911 --> 00:07:27,994
Oh, you know what,
we need a man.
148
00:07:28,080 --> 00:07:29,746
Can you take
the picture with us?
149
00:07:29,798 --> 00:07:31,838
I have to take the picture,
so, no, I can't do that.
150
00:07:31,902 --> 00:07:34,084
Oh.
151
00:07:34,169 --> 00:07:36,136
How about you?
152
00:07:37,002 --> 00:07:38,255
Sorry.
153
00:07:38,375 --> 00:07:40,257
Will you take a picture with us?
154
00:07:40,392 --> 00:07:43,260
Oh, no--
No, no, no.
155
00:07:43,395 --> 00:07:44,811
Oh, come on, please.
156
00:07:44,897 --> 00:07:45,846
It'll just take
a couple of minutes.
157
00:07:45,931 --> 00:07:47,764
We want to get
a really complete scene.
158
00:07:47,850 --> 00:07:49,399
No, I got--
It'll be fun.
159
00:07:49,568 --> 00:07:50,767
Please.
Please.
160
00:07:50,853 --> 00:07:52,352
You mean like dress up in--
Yes!
161
00:07:52,488 --> 00:07:53,103
No, that's--
I can't--
162
00:07:53,155 --> 00:07:55,322
Oh, come on.
163
00:07:55,407 --> 00:07:56,656
You can dress up.
Please.
164
00:07:56,742 --> 00:07:58,191
Be a general.
165
00:07:58,277 --> 00:08:00,410
It'll be really fun.
166
00:08:00,496 --> 00:08:02,079
Please.
Okay.
167
00:08:02,114 --> 00:08:03,246
Thank you!
All right.
168
00:08:03,282 --> 00:08:05,832
All right.
Great.
169
00:08:05,918 --> 00:08:11,705
170
00:08:15,961 --> 00:08:18,128
Okay, you guys look great.
171
00:08:18,297 --> 00:08:19,880
Mama, look at this.
172
00:08:19,965 --> 00:08:20,964
Oh, my God.
173
00:08:21,049 --> 00:08:23,383
Is our designated man ready?
174
00:08:23,469 --> 00:08:25,352
(Louie) I think so.
175
00:08:25,521 --> 00:08:27,457
Okay.
176
00:08:29,141 --> 00:08:30,891
Oh, my heaven.
177
00:08:32,895 --> 00:08:34,515
Look at him.
178
00:08:35,589 --> 00:08:37,799
I do declare,
179
00:08:37,919 --> 00:08:40,447
Captain Whoever, you look dashing.
180
00:08:40,734 --> 00:08:41,784
Why, thank you, mam.
181
00:08:41,904 --> 00:08:44,821
Doesn't he look
wonderful, Mother?
182
00:08:44,907 --> 00:08:47,824
He is a proper escort,
my dear girl.
183
00:08:47,876 --> 00:08:49,409
My I have the pleasure
of this dance?
184
00:08:49,495 --> 00:08:52,212
Why, Beauregard, if you must.
185
00:08:52,331 --> 00:08:57,050
186
00:09:36,176 --> 00:09:38,041
That was really
nice of you, thanks.
187
00:09:38,126 --> 00:09:39,042
Oh, sure.
188
00:09:39,127 --> 00:09:40,933
Here, here's yours.
189
00:09:41,053 --> 00:09:44,214
Oh... oh, thanks.
190
00:09:44,266 --> 00:09:46,216
Welcome.
Bye.
191
00:09:46,301 --> 00:09:48,134
Bye, thanks again.
192
00:09:48,220 --> 00:09:50,937
Sure, bye.
193
00:09:58,313 --> 00:09:59,229
(Kenny) Yeah, and I'm like...
194
00:09:59,281 --> 00:10:00,480
(imitates farting)
195
00:10:00,566 --> 00:10:02,983
Thanks, babe,
I just lost my hard on there,
196
00:10:03,068 --> 00:10:04,543
you know what I mean, you know?
197
00:10:04,663 --> 00:10:06,036
(audience laughs)
198
00:10:06,071 --> 00:10:08,405
You're not offended by
the fart joke are you, ma'am?
199
00:10:08,490 --> 00:10:10,824
Come on, you farted before.
You've never farted?
200
00:10:10,909 --> 00:10:13,076
But yeah, right,
women don't fart, you know?
201
00:10:13,128 --> 00:10:14,327
You know what,
can I borrow your lighter?
202
00:10:14,413 --> 00:10:15,745
I'm gonna light a fart
right on stage.
203
00:10:15,797 --> 00:10:17,414
What do you think of that?
You guys want to see this?
204
00:10:17,583 --> 00:10:19,916
(audience cheers)
205
00:10:19,968 --> 00:10:20,917
All right
what I'm gonna do--
206
00:10:20,969 --> 00:10:22,085
Don't light your fart.
207
00:10:22,170 --> 00:10:23,587
Please, don't light your fart.
208
00:10:23,672 --> 00:10:24,921
...the second boom,
you guys go nuts,
209
00:10:25,007 --> 00:10:26,207
and I'm lighting it, all right?
210
00:10:26,225 --> 00:10:28,425
All right, ready?
Boom, chica, boom!
211
00:10:28,594 --> 00:10:29,690
Oh, God damn it.
212
00:10:29,810 --> 00:10:31,428
(audience cheers)
213
00:10:31,480 --> 00:10:32,262
(Kenny) Am I right?
214
00:10:32,347 --> 00:10:33,480
(audience cheers)
215
00:10:33,565 --> 00:10:34,598
All right, that's it for me.
216
00:10:34,650 --> 00:10:35,890
You guys ready for a headliner?
217
00:10:35,899 --> 00:10:37,267
(audience cheers)
218
00:10:37,352 --> 00:10:38,568
Direct from New York City,
219
00:10:38,604 --> 00:10:39,819
you saw him on
the David Letterman Show,
220
00:10:39,905 --> 00:10:41,271
give it up for Louie C.K.
221
00:10:41,356 --> 00:10:44,774
(audience cheers)
222
00:10:51,283 --> 00:10:52,988
Hey, folks, how you doing?
223
00:10:54,014 --> 00:10:57,213
It's nice to be here. I am Louie.
224
00:10:57,333 --> 00:11:00,389
I'm 47, which means I'm...
225
00:11:00,778 --> 00:11:01,924
half-dead.
226
00:11:02,044 --> 00:11:03,293
About half way there.
227
00:11:03,378 --> 00:11:04,427
(audience faint laughing)
228
00:11:04,463 --> 00:11:06,930
If I'm lucky,
you know, we'll see.
229
00:11:06,965 --> 00:11:08,932
You never get to find out
how old you got to be.
230
00:11:08,967 --> 00:11:10,350
You never get to find out.
231
00:11:10,435 --> 00:11:12,218
Everybody else knows,
"Well, he died at 80."
232
00:11:12,304 --> 00:11:16,523
But you don't know.
You just-- You're dead.
233
00:11:20,871 --> 00:11:22,538
All right, guys,
thanks a lot, you've been great.
234
00:11:22,623 --> 00:11:27,042
Thank you, very much.
Thank you.
235
00:11:27,461 --> 00:11:29,378
All right, give it up
for Louie C.K., come on!
236
00:11:29,463 --> 00:11:33,465
Come on, give him hand,
Louie C.K.
237
00:11:33,551 --> 00:11:35,467
He just killed
for an hour up here, huh?
238
00:11:35,636 --> 00:11:38,303
(audience cheers)
239
00:11:39,557 --> 00:11:41,523
You know what,
we got to leave Quiznos.
240
00:11:41,609 --> 00:11:43,308
Let's get out of here,
all right?
241
00:11:43,360 --> 00:11:46,194
So, listen, uh, we're gonna
change things up a bit
242
00:11:46,280 --> 00:11:48,113
for tomorrow night.
243
00:11:48,148 --> 00:11:50,006
We're gonna have Kenny there,
244
00:11:50,126 --> 00:11:52,778
he's gonna come up at talk 20 minutes
or so...
245
00:11:52,898 --> 00:11:56,425
Then I'm gonna cut you down to 30 minutes
246
00:11:56,657 --> 00:11:59,041
and then he's gonna go on at the top,
gonna come back on
247
00:11:59,126 --> 00:12:00,375
and do another 20 or so
248
00:12:00,461 --> 00:12:06,248
just so we have more
energy at the end, okay?
249
00:12:07,501 --> 00:12:10,836
Do I get paid the same?
Yep.
250
00:12:10,921 --> 00:12:13,889
I don't really care.
You should.
251
00:12:15,259 --> 00:12:16,425
(Kenny)
Hey you guys like impressions?
252
00:12:16,510 --> 00:12:17,426
(audience) Yeah!
253
00:12:17,511 --> 00:12:18,510
Come on, you guys
like impressions?
254
00:12:18,562 --> 00:12:19,478
(audience) Yeah!
255
00:12:19,513 --> 00:12:22,598
All right, hold on a second.
256
00:12:22,683 --> 00:12:24,733
You guys are gonna
love this one.
257
00:12:31,108 --> 00:12:33,492
(audience laughs)
258
00:12:38,565 --> 00:12:40,666
Uh, hi, everybody.
259
00:12:40,834 --> 00:12:43,502
Nice to be here, uh...
260
00:12:43,537 --> 00:12:50,092
You know, uh...
I'm very depressing.
261
00:12:50,177 --> 00:12:52,344
Um, I'm from New York.
262
00:12:52,379 --> 00:12:55,547
I'm getting old man, you know?
263
00:12:55,616 --> 00:12:57,766
You know, you're
getting old when--
264
00:12:57,851 --> 00:13:00,519
I'm 47, I'm fat,
I'm old, you know?
265
00:13:00,554 --> 00:13:04,222
I don't get laid.
266
00:13:04,274 --> 00:13:07,559
I found my first
gray pubic hair.
267
00:13:07,611 --> 00:13:10,228
You know,
gray and red pubic hair...
268
00:13:10,314 --> 00:13:13,732
(laughing)
269
00:13:13,817 --> 00:13:15,233
I don't know,
it just sucks getting old.
270
00:13:15,319 --> 00:13:17,619
47, what can I do, I can't--
I don't have sex.
271
00:13:23,053 --> 00:13:25,051
Hey, man,
how are you this morning?
272
00:13:32,503 --> 00:13:36,221
Hey, you weren't like offended
by what I did last night?
273
00:13:41,812 --> 00:13:44,012
Hey, can I say something, pal?
274
00:13:46,567 --> 00:13:47,733
Go ahead.
275
00:13:47,768 --> 00:13:52,771
Okay, you know what,
you're a real bummer.
276
00:13:52,856 --> 00:13:54,823
I worked all over the road,
worked with everybody,
277
00:13:54,992 --> 00:13:57,025
but you're just a drag.
278
00:13:57,111 --> 00:13:59,528
You are, man, look,
I tried to be nice to you.
279
00:13:59,613 --> 00:14:03,594
Right, I offered you food,
I offered you drinks.
280
00:14:03,714 --> 00:14:05,667
The party with the girls I get.
281
00:14:06,656 --> 00:14:09,154
And what?
Oh, you're too good for me?
282
00:14:09,274 --> 00:14:10,128
Is that what it is?
283
00:14:10,665 --> 00:14:12,550
You're better than me cause you're a dad?
284
00:14:13,427 --> 00:14:15,761
You know I got three kids,
two are in college.
285
00:14:17,185 --> 00:14:18,797
And I'm a great dad.
286
00:14:18,882 --> 00:14:20,859
But you know what,
I like to have fun.
287
00:14:21,559 --> 00:14:23,635
All right, and the two
are not mutually exclusive.
288
00:14:23,687 --> 00:14:26,188
Okay, well, I--
289
00:14:26,273 --> 00:14:28,273
I don't-- I don't want
to party with you.
290
00:14:28,308 --> 00:14:29,308
Okay--
I mean, does that--
291
00:14:29,309 --> 00:14:29,975
Does that--
What does that make me?
292
00:14:30,027 --> 00:14:31,560
It makes me a bad guy?
293
00:14:31,645 --> 00:14:33,945
No, because you're
totally unfriendly.
294
00:14:34,064 --> 00:14:35,530
I don't know, you know?
295
00:14:35,616 --> 00:14:38,817
I don't even know what
they call it where you're from.
296
00:14:38,902 --> 00:14:40,736
But around
the rest of the world,
297
00:14:40,904 --> 00:14:43,455
you're an asshole.
298
00:14:45,492 --> 00:14:46,575
Wow.
299
00:14:48,624 --> 00:14:49,877
So, can I go now?
300
00:14:49,878 --> 00:14:51,135
Can I say something to you?
301
00:14:51,255 --> 00:14:52,964
Yeah, shoot.
Okay.
302
00:14:53,328 --> 00:14:55,262
Kenny, you're--
you're a hack.
303
00:14:56,186 --> 00:14:58,858
You're a moron
and you're barely a comedian.
304
00:14:59,506 --> 00:15:01,673
You're a disgrace
to the art form.
305
00:15:02,608 --> 00:15:04,931
I hate following you on stage.
I really hate it.
306
00:15:05,051 --> 00:15:07,729
You get up there
and you act like a jackass.
307
00:15:07,848 --> 00:15:09,648
And it's gross.
308
00:15:09,683 --> 00:15:12,601
And I resent that
I have to go on after you.
309
00:15:12,686 --> 00:15:14,402
I hate being in the same
profession as you.
310
00:15:14,488 --> 00:15:17,127
I hate being on the same
stage as you every night.
311
00:15:17,247 --> 00:15:19,658
Yeah, you know what, dude,
at least I'm getting laughs.
312
00:15:19,693 --> 00:15:22,444
Yeah, by-- by telling shit jokes
and fart jokes.
313
00:15:22,529 --> 00:15:24,696
Hey, don't knock the fart jokes.
314
00:15:24,748 --> 00:15:27,667
Those are my babies.
315
00:15:28,016 --> 00:15:29,534
Those are my fart babies.
316
00:15:31,872 --> 00:15:34,256
What, you don't like farts?
317
00:15:34,981 --> 00:15:36,392
Mr. New Yorker?
318
00:15:36,512 --> 00:15:37,603
Is that what it is?
319
00:15:38,178 --> 00:15:40,513
You're gonna sit there and
tell me farts aren't funny.
320
00:15:41,765 --> 00:15:44,716
Serio-- Look me in the eye and
tell me farts aren't funny.
321
00:15:44,885 --> 00:15:46,218
Come on.
322
00:15:46,303 --> 00:15:48,386
Look me in the eye.
323
00:15:54,969 --> 00:15:56,645
Dude.
324
00:15:57,791 --> 00:15:59,731
What?
325
00:15:59,817 --> 00:16:00,732
Oh, man, dude,
what are you doing?
326
00:16:00,784 --> 00:16:01,664
You crying?
(sniffling)
327
00:16:01,735 --> 00:16:04,569
Oh, God.
328
00:16:04,655 --> 00:16:06,705
Dude... (groans)
329
00:16:06,907 --> 00:16:08,990
Jesus.
330
00:16:09,126 --> 00:16:10,242
Oh, Louie, here.
331
00:16:10,327 --> 00:16:13,078
Here, wipe your face,
here, take this.
332
00:16:13,130 --> 00:16:14,713
Here. I only
came in it twice.
333
00:16:17,050 --> 00:16:18,839
(sniffling)
(sighing)
334
00:16:18,961 --> 00:16:20,744
Dude, you want me to go?
335
00:16:20,829 --> 00:16:21,745
I'll go, man.
No.
336
00:16:21,830 --> 00:16:23,080
No, no, seriously, I'll go.
337
00:16:24,066 --> 00:16:25,652
Dude, take deep breaths. Something.
338
00:16:26,701 --> 00:16:29,523
Let it out, let it out.
What, what do you want? Tell me.
339
00:16:30,172 --> 00:16:33,056
I love--
I love fart jokes.
340
00:16:33,142 --> 00:16:35,092
Farts are hilarious.
(chuckling)
341
00:16:35,177 --> 00:16:37,177
What?
Farts are funny.
342
00:16:37,263 --> 00:16:38,428
Of course farts are funny.
343
00:16:38,514 --> 00:16:40,397
(chuckling) See, I told you.
344
00:16:40,482 --> 00:16:42,015
I knew it!
I knew it!
345
00:16:42,101 --> 00:16:43,433
They make a little toot noise
346
00:16:43,519 --> 00:16:45,185
when they come out
of your asshole,
347
00:16:45,271 --> 00:16:47,020
and they smell bad.
348
00:16:49,101 --> 00:16:50,574
There's never been a day
349
00:16:50,659 --> 00:16:51,491
where a fart has not been funny.
350
00:16:51,527 --> 00:16:53,160
Every fart is funny.
Never.
351
00:16:53,195 --> 00:16:54,111
Even-- a funeral.
352
00:16:56,282 --> 00:16:58,198
I've laughed at every
fart I ever heard.
353
00:16:58,250 --> 00:17:01,034
Of course, how can you not?
354
00:17:01,120 --> 00:17:03,086
How can you not?
355
00:17:03,172 --> 00:17:05,622
I'm sorry, Kenny,
I really am, I...
356
00:17:07,209 --> 00:17:09,293
I don't know, man.
I love comedy, you know?
357
00:17:09,428 --> 00:17:11,845
I always loved it.
358
00:17:11,880 --> 00:17:14,181
But you got-- I mean,
you got to give so much,
359
00:17:14,266 --> 00:17:15,636
it's so hard.
360
00:17:15,936 --> 00:17:17,267
I know, brother.
361
00:17:18,604 --> 00:17:20,354
You know, all the years...
362
00:17:23,559 --> 00:17:26,526
...uh, just alone
out here, and...
363
00:17:26,612 --> 00:17:27,894
I just wanted to be good at it,
364
00:17:28,030 --> 00:17:30,397
it's all I wanted, was
to be really, really good,
365
00:17:30,482 --> 00:17:33,533
and I don't-- I don't know
what happened.
366
00:17:33,569 --> 00:17:35,850
You know what happened is you
tried to be good at it, man.
367
00:17:37,539 --> 00:17:38,872
See, somebody put it
in your head,
368
00:17:38,907 --> 00:17:40,657
"Oh, I gotta be
a great comedian."
369
00:17:40,743 --> 00:17:42,492
That's all you New York dudes.
370
00:17:42,661 --> 00:17:44,138
It's comedy.
371
00:17:45,325 --> 00:17:48,584
Look, it's about being funny and
having fun and being outrageous.
372
00:17:50,090 --> 00:17:51,906
I mean, think about it,
we're on stage,
373
00:17:52,026 --> 00:17:55,055
you just go up there,
you act like a big asshole.
374
00:17:55,090 --> 00:17:58,675
People laugh, they go
home, they make love.
375
00:18:00,729 --> 00:18:03,397
It's not an art, stupid,
it's a bar trick.
376
00:18:05,067 --> 00:18:06,149
It's a blast!
377
00:18:06,235 --> 00:18:07,351
Dude, I've been
doing it for 30 years
378
00:18:07,436 --> 00:18:09,603
and I love it
and I still love it.
379
00:18:10,939 --> 00:18:12,072
(chuckling) See?
380
00:18:12,107 --> 00:18:13,940
You've got to get out
of your head, man.
381
00:18:14,026 --> 00:18:15,776
The funny is in your ass.
382
00:18:15,861 --> 00:18:18,111
I know, man,
I really-- I know.
383
00:18:18,197 --> 00:18:19,579
You're right.
384
00:18:19,615 --> 00:18:21,248
I just-- goddamn it,
I'm a mess.
385
00:18:21,283 --> 00:18:23,200
Jeez--
Sorry, man.
386
00:18:23,285 --> 00:18:25,535
No, no, it's all right.
I'm really sorry.
387
00:18:25,621 --> 00:18:26,953
I've been a dick, and I'm sorry.
388
00:18:27,039 --> 00:18:27,954
That's all right, man.
389
00:18:28,040 --> 00:18:29,506
Look, look--
I mean, look,
390
00:18:29,625 --> 00:18:30,874
we both hate each other,
391
00:18:30,959 --> 00:18:32,459
and we just said it, but...
Yeah.
392
00:18:32,594 --> 00:18:34,177
Hey, we're still here.
393
00:18:35,597 --> 00:18:36,797
I got an idea, man.
394
00:18:36,849 --> 00:18:39,038
Me and you, start and
finish this bottle.
395
00:18:39,158 --> 00:18:40,398
I'm not taking no for an answer.
396
00:18:40,402 --> 00:18:41,268
Come one, man.
397
00:18:41,388 --> 00:18:42,642
I'll take her for a swig.
398
00:18:46,141 --> 00:18:48,024
Ahh! Come on.
399
00:18:48,110 --> 00:18:50,193
You gotta, man, what the hell.
All right, okay.
400
00:18:50,362 --> 00:18:53,280
All right.
401
00:18:53,315 --> 00:18:55,115
Nice! See?
There you go.
402
00:18:55,150 --> 00:18:56,450
(coughing)
(laughing)
403
00:18:56,568 --> 00:18:59,870
(retching)
404
00:18:59,955 --> 00:19:01,488
(groaning) Oh, dude.
405
00:19:01,623 --> 00:19:02,656
Get out of the way, man.
406
00:19:02,741 --> 00:19:03,824
I gotta take a pizza dump.
407
00:19:03,909 --> 00:19:05,710
Get out of here, man!
Come on, man, just move.
408
00:19:05,828 --> 00:19:07,911
Move.
I-- What? I can't--
409
00:19:07,996 --> 00:19:08,879
I'm puking, man.
410
00:19:08,964 --> 00:19:10,164
All right,
you know what? Fine.
411
00:19:10,215 --> 00:19:11,298
I'll take an upper decker,
man, I don't care.
412
00:19:11,333 --> 00:19:12,466
What does that mean?
413
00:19:12,501 --> 00:19:13,417
Don't worry, just--
you're fine where you are.
414
00:19:13,552 --> 00:19:16,303
(coughing)
415
00:19:16,338 --> 00:19:18,922
I'll take it right up here,
416
00:19:19,007 --> 00:19:20,140
I don't give a shit.
417
00:19:20,175 --> 00:19:22,676
I just want to go, man.
What are you doing, man?
418
00:19:22,728 --> 00:19:23,894
I gotta (bleep) go.
What are you--
419
00:19:23,979 --> 00:19:26,646
Jesus Christ, are you crazy?
420
00:19:30,102 --> 00:19:32,652
(groaning) Jesus Christ.
421
00:19:32,688 --> 00:19:36,106
Oh, shit.
Jesus Christ, man.
422
00:19:36,191 --> 00:19:38,775
Oh, shit.
Oh, shit.
423
00:19:40,431 --> 00:19:43,413
Oh, dude, man,
I hit my head hard.
424
00:20:00,145 --> 00:20:01,561
What the hell happened?
425
00:20:01,646 --> 00:20:03,313
What the hell happened?
Oh, okay, okay, okay.
426
00:20:03,398 --> 00:20:05,532
Hi, how is he?
427
00:20:05,617 --> 00:20:06,950
He didn't make it.
428
00:20:06,985 --> 00:20:08,985
Sorry, he just lost
too much blood.
429
00:20:09,037 --> 00:20:10,453
You-- You mean he's dead?
430
00:20:10,539 --> 00:20:12,205
Yes, sir.
431
00:20:13,892 --> 00:20:16,209
Oh, my...
(sighing)
432
00:20:16,294 --> 00:20:18,328
I'm never hiring you again.
433
00:20:18,413 --> 00:20:20,413
I'll tell you that right now.
434
00:21:15,637 --> 00:21:16,469
What's that?
435
00:21:19,140 --> 00:21:21,557
- Oh, my gosh, is that you?
- (chuckles) Nope.
436
00:21:21,610 --> 00:21:25,395
Nope, that's my great-great-great-
great-grandfather.
437
00:21:25,480 --> 00:21:28,364
Mm-hmm.
His name was Bash--Bush--
438
00:21:28,400 --> 00:21:29,616
Blackbottom, uh, Bottompit.
439
00:21:29,701 --> 00:21:32,568
Blackbottompit.
Mm-hmm.
440
00:21:32,654 --> 00:21:34,454
Hmm.
He was a soldier?
441
00:21:34,539 --> 00:21:39,329
Yeah. He was
a great soldier,
442
00:21:39,449 --> 00:21:44,664
and, uh, he was at the last,
uh, battle of the Civil War.
443
00:21:44,749 --> 00:21:47,083
Um...
Hmm, at Appomattox?
444
00:21:47,168 --> 00:21:50,420
Yeah, and, uh,
he got killed by snakes.
445
00:21:50,472 --> 00:21:53,006
Really?
Yeah. He shot the last shot
446
00:21:53,091 --> 00:21:55,091
of the Civil War, and he missed.
447
00:21:55,143 --> 00:21:57,260
So they just quit, that's
why they quit the war,
448
00:21:57,395 --> 00:21:58,978
'cause it was such a bad shot.
449
00:21:59,064 --> 00:22:01,481
But then he went home and his
wife had been eaten by a snake
450
00:22:01,566 --> 00:22:03,766
so he killed the snake
that ate his wife.
451
00:22:03,852 --> 00:22:05,568
Wait, I thought he was
killed by the snake.
452
00:22:05,603 --> 00:22:08,821
Yes, a whole other snake,
totally unrelated snake,
453
00:22:08,907 --> 00:22:10,740
about a week later on a Wednesday.
Oh.
454
00:22:10,775 --> 00:22:12,408
What else?
Snake ate him.
455
00:22:12,444 --> 00:22:13,676
Well...
456
00:22:13,745 --> 00:22:16,779
On a highway
457
00:22:16,831 --> 00:22:19,666
It all looks the same
458
00:22:19,751 --> 00:22:20,783
On a highway
459
00:22:39,832 --> 00:22:50,252
Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
460
00:22:50,302 --> 00:22:54,852
Repair and Synchronization by
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