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♪ Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie ♪
2
00:00:14,996 --> 00:00:17,664
♪ Louie, Louie, Louie Louaaa ♪
3
00:00:19,602 --> 00:00:22,438
♪ Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie ♪
4
00:00:24,374 --> 00:00:27,008
♪ Louie, Louie
you're gonna cry ♪
5
00:00:28,911 --> 00:00:31,613
♪ Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie ♪
6
00:00:33,650 --> 00:00:36,318
♪ Louie, Louie, Louie Louaaa ♪
7
00:00:38,220 --> 00:00:41,488
♪ Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie ♪
8
00:00:42,990 --> 00:00:46,161
♪ Louie, Louie
you're gonna die ♪
9
00:00:47,630 --> 00:00:50,133
♪ Louie, Louie, Louie
Louie... ♪
10
00:00:50,960 --> 00:01:00,090
Sync & corrected by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
11
00:01:10,158 --> 00:01:11,791
( audience laughing )
12
00:01:15,729 --> 00:01:16,567
Hey, what's up?
13
00:01:16,687 --> 00:01:18,764
You didn't open that on
the kitchen table, did you?
14
00:01:18,832 --> 00:01:19,981
Nope.
15
00:01:20,101 --> 00:01:22,000
Are you lying?
Yep.
16
00:01:22,068 --> 00:01:24,041
( audience laughing )
17
00:01:24,164 --> 00:01:25,098
Why do you do that?
18
00:01:25,166 --> 00:01:26,866
The opener's
right in the drawer.
19
00:01:26,934 --> 00:01:29,003
Yeah, well, the table's
right here.
20
00:01:29,070 --> 00:01:31,238
Louie!
21
00:01:31,306 --> 00:01:32,673
I love you.
22
00:01:32,741 --> 00:01:34,174
( audience )
Aww...
23
00:01:39,947 --> 00:01:41,447
Why would you say that?
24
00:01:41,515 --> 00:01:43,183
What?
25
00:01:43,251 --> 00:01:45,019
I mean, I just said
a really dick thing.
26
00:01:45,086 --> 00:01:48,289
Why-- why would you
say, "I love you"?
27
00:01:48,357 --> 00:01:49,757
What am I supposed to do here?
28
00:01:49,825 --> 00:01:51,426
Please?
( man ) Cut!
29
00:01:51,493 --> 00:01:52,928
( bell ringing )
What's wrong, buddy?
30
00:01:52,995 --> 00:01:55,063
I just...
31
00:01:55,131 --> 00:01:56,565
Why does she say that?
32
00:01:56,633 --> 00:01:58,434
It's cute.
33
00:01:58,501 --> 00:02:00,302
It's cute?
Yeah.
34
00:02:00,370 --> 00:02:01,804
Dude...
35
00:02:01,872 --> 00:02:03,306
I thought we were gonna
do a show about marriage,
36
00:02:03,373 --> 00:02:04,974
like a really honest,
real show.
37
00:02:05,042 --> 00:02:06,309
Yeah.
So what--
38
00:02:06,376 --> 00:02:08,144
This woman is trying to
raise two kids
39
00:02:08,211 --> 00:02:10,479
and her husband just
keeps shittin' all over her,
40
00:02:10,547 --> 00:02:11,913
chipping away at all
the furniture
41
00:02:11,981 --> 00:02:13,382
with his bad attitude.
Yeah.
42
00:02:13,449 --> 00:02:15,584
I mean, are you folks
seriously buying this shit?
43
00:02:15,651 --> 00:02:18,954
( audience cheering )
44
00:02:19,021 --> 00:02:20,255
Louie, the show's
gonna be great.
45
00:02:20,322 --> 00:02:21,656
No, it's not!
Yeah.
46
00:02:21,724 --> 00:02:24,225
No, man, it's gonna suck, like
every show on television.
47
00:02:24,293 --> 00:02:25,827
We're making
all the same mistakes.
48
00:02:25,895 --> 00:02:28,297
The wife that's way too hot
for the dude
49
00:02:28,364 --> 00:02:31,067
and the friend who
I would never hang out with.
50
00:02:31,135 --> 00:02:32,869
Bob, I love you, you're great,
51
00:02:32,936 --> 00:02:34,637
but there's no reason
for you to be on this show.
52
00:02:34,705 --> 00:02:35,806
I mean, honestly, no offense.
53
00:02:35,873 --> 00:02:37,141
None taken.
54
00:02:37,208 --> 00:02:38,308
You know what?
55
00:02:38,376 --> 00:02:39,843
Can you guys figure
this shit out, okay?
56
00:02:39,911 --> 00:02:41,946
This is my last go-around.
57
00:02:42,013 --> 00:02:43,881
All right, I am 38 years old.
58
00:02:43,949 --> 00:02:45,850
I hitched to this horse
59
00:02:45,918 --> 00:02:47,552
- because you guys said you
wanted to get on air. - Yeah.
60
00:02:47,620 --> 00:02:48,820
In another couple of years,
61
00:02:48,888 --> 00:02:50,355
these fake tits
are gonna look stupid.
62
00:02:50,423 --> 00:02:52,824
So if I'm wasting my time here,
you need to tell me now.
63
00:02:52,892 --> 00:02:54,226
You're wasting your time, you are.
Great!
64
00:02:54,293 --> 00:02:56,161
No, no, Jennifer,
this is gonna be fine.
65
00:02:56,229 --> 00:02:57,897
It-- we can't have a show
where everybody
66
00:02:57,964 --> 00:03:00,132
just says whatever
'cause it's cute.
67
00:03:00,200 --> 00:03:01,401
( audience )
Boo!
68
00:03:01,468 --> 00:03:03,002
Oh, you know what,
( bleep ) you people!
69
00:03:03,070 --> 00:03:04,070
Okay, okay, look..
70
00:03:04,138 --> 00:03:05,839
What do you want her
to say to you?
71
00:03:05,907 --> 00:03:07,007
What do I want her to say?
Yeah!
72
00:03:07,075 --> 00:03:08,308
You say the table is right here
73
00:03:08,376 --> 00:03:10,077
and then what does she say?
74
00:03:10,145 --> 00:03:11,445
"I'm leaving you."
75
00:03:11,513 --> 00:03:12,713
That's not funny.
76
00:03:12,781 --> 00:03:13,814
Yes, it is.
77
00:03:13,882 --> 00:03:15,449
That's hilarious.
78
00:03:15,517 --> 00:03:16,684
Come on.
79
00:03:16,752 --> 00:03:18,119
"The opener's right there."
80
00:03:18,186 --> 00:03:19,920
"Yeah, but the table's
right here."
81
00:03:19,988 --> 00:03:21,355
"I'm leaving you."
82
00:03:21,423 --> 00:03:22,890
And then she leaves!
83
00:03:22,958 --> 00:03:24,325
And she takes the kids
and then this dude
84
00:03:24,393 --> 00:03:25,960
has to finally face himself
85
00:03:26,028 --> 00:03:28,029
because she's gone
and there's nobody else
86
00:03:28,097 --> 00:03:30,164
to be an asshole to
but himself.
87
00:03:30,232 --> 00:03:32,366
Don't you wanna do--
don't you wanna do that show?
88
00:03:32,434 --> 00:03:35,303
Wouldn't you love
to do that show?
89
00:03:35,370 --> 00:03:37,071
Is everything okay at home,
Louie?
90
00:03:37,139 --> 00:03:38,673
Oh, Christ.
91
00:03:38,740 --> 00:03:40,508
No!
92
00:03:40,575 --> 00:03:42,175
All right, let's take a break.
93
00:04:10,539 --> 00:04:11,706
Oh, hi.
94
00:04:11,774 --> 00:04:13,641
Oh, okay.
95
00:04:13,709 --> 00:04:14,842
Okay, all right.
96
00:04:18,513 --> 00:04:20,814
Hey... hey.
97
00:04:25,320 --> 00:04:27,656
Oh, baby.
98
00:04:27,723 --> 00:04:30,792
Baby, baby, baby, baby.
99
00:04:30,860 --> 00:04:34,229
Your dad's not gonna have
a sitcom.
100
00:04:34,297 --> 00:04:35,565
Not gonna do it.
101
00:04:35,632 --> 00:04:37,333
I wanted to.
102
00:04:37,401 --> 00:04:40,203
I wanted to, so I wouldn't have
to be on the road all the time,
103
00:04:40,271 --> 00:04:43,574
away from you...
104
00:04:43,642 --> 00:04:45,208
and I just wouldn’t do it.
105
00:04:45,276 --> 00:04:46,476
Maybe I'm a coward.
106
00:04:48,079 --> 00:04:50,480
Sorry, baby.
107
00:04:50,548 --> 00:04:52,982
Your dad is a comedian.
108
00:04:53,050 --> 00:04:55,060
It's your tough luck.
109
00:04:55,544 --> 00:04:57,019
All right,
let's put you to sleep.
110
00:04:59,489 --> 00:05:01,556
♪ I had me a rooster ♪
111
00:05:01,624 --> 00:05:04,326
♪ The rooster pleased me ♪
112
00:05:04,393 --> 00:05:08,964
♪ I fed my rooster to
the green berry tree ♪
113
00:05:09,032 --> 00:05:11,534
♪ Little rooster says... ♪
114
00:05:11,602 --> 00:05:13,436
Lilly...
115
00:05:13,504 --> 00:05:14,537
Lilly, I love you.
116
00:05:16,212 --> 00:05:17,808
( man )
Please put your hands together
117
00:05:17,875 --> 00:05:21,078
and make that loud clapping
sound for Louie C.K.!
118
00:05:21,146 --> 00:05:23,848
( cheers and applause )
119
00:05:33,058 --> 00:05:35,159
Thank you very much.
120
00:05:35,227 --> 00:05:36,594
Thank you, everybody.
121
00:05:36,662 --> 00:05:40,765
Uh, I have some notes
I'm gonna be working off of.
122
00:05:40,833 --> 00:05:42,166
I hope that's okay with you.
123
00:05:44,035 --> 00:05:47,204
I've never stopped anything
so cold in all my life.
124
00:05:47,271 --> 00:05:48,572
That was amazing.
125
00:05:48,640 --> 00:05:51,776
You guys were clapping so much
126
00:05:51,843 --> 00:05:56,080
and now you look like you've
never clapped in your lives.
127
00:05:56,147 --> 00:06:00,750
That applause is so far in
the rear-view mirror right now.
128
00:06:00,818 --> 00:06:04,187
That's amazing
how quickly--
129
00:06:04,255 --> 00:06:05,889
"Yeah !"
130
00:06:10,896 --> 00:06:12,430
Um...
131
00:06:19,640 --> 00:06:23,076
There was a girl
once who blew me
132
00:06:23,143 --> 00:06:27,947
who subsequently
hung herself... to death.
133
00:06:28,014 --> 00:06:30,082
It's true.
134
00:06:30,149 --> 00:06:33,618
Um, she didn't do it
right after, just so you know.
135
00:06:33,686 --> 00:06:36,387
She didn't do it, like,
immediately after.
136
00:06:36,455 --> 00:06:38,989
She did it two years later.
137
00:06:39,057 --> 00:06:41,859
Because that's how long
it takes--
138
00:06:41,926 --> 00:06:44,995
that's how long you
can live with having blown me
139
00:06:45,063 --> 00:06:46,897
before you need to
end your life.
140
00:06:46,965 --> 00:06:50,768
That's how long--
everyone who has blown me
141
00:06:50,836 --> 00:06:54,238
has died two years later of
their own doing.
142
00:06:54,306 --> 00:06:57,641
That's the gestation
period for suicidal shame
143
00:06:57,709 --> 00:07:01,278
that comes from having
144
00:07:01,346 --> 00:07:03,013
had my penis in your mouth.
145
00:07:03,081 --> 00:07:05,049
( crowd laughing )
146
00:07:09,521 --> 00:07:11,922
That's such an awful way to
describe blowin' somebody,
147
00:07:11,989 --> 00:07:15,825
"having had my penis
in your mouth."
148
00:07:15,893 --> 00:07:18,060
It doesn't-- it just
gives you an image of somebody--
149
00:07:18,128 --> 00:07:21,464
Oh, I got something...
150
00:07:21,531 --> 00:07:23,165
Oh, I got this dick
in my mouth.
151
00:07:26,689 --> 00:07:30,240
Do I still have this--
Do you see this dick there?
152
00:07:30,308 --> 00:07:32,820
Oh, shit, yeah, you got his
dick in your mouth.
153
00:07:40,400 --> 00:07:42,996
Did you like your party?
Mm-hmm.
154
00:07:43,064 --> 00:07:45,765
But it's nice just to be
here quiet with you.
155
00:07:45,833 --> 00:07:47,834
The party was hard.
156
00:07:51,538 --> 00:07:53,139
What's that?
157
00:07:53,206 --> 00:07:54,940
It's a present,
what do you think it is?
158
00:07:55,008 --> 00:07:56,040
For me?
159
00:07:56,160 --> 00:07:59,345
No, it's for the little old
lady who lives in your nose.
160
00:07:59,412 --> 00:08:01,280
Of course it's for you.
161
00:08:01,347 --> 00:08:02,481
What, did you really
think I was just
162
00:08:02,549 --> 00:08:03,482
gonna get you slippers?
163
00:08:03,550 --> 00:08:04,750
Can I open it?
164
00:08:04,818 --> 00:08:06,252
Not 'til your birthday.
165
00:08:06,320 --> 00:08:07,587
It is my birthday.
166
00:08:07,655 --> 00:08:08,788
Well, all right then.
167
00:08:12,927 --> 00:08:15,563
Tickets to...
To...
168
00:08:15,630 --> 00:08:16,797
Sabrina Bubble.
169
00:08:16,865 --> 00:08:17,998
That's right!
170
00:08:18,066 --> 00:08:19,767
Those were very hard to get.
171
00:08:19,835 --> 00:08:22,003
Nobody-- nobody gets tickets
to Sabrina Bubble,
172
00:08:22,071 --> 00:08:24,238
but it turns out, she
and I have the same promoter...
173
00:08:26,608 --> 00:08:28,142
You don't like it.
174
00:08:28,210 --> 00:08:29,744
No, I do.
175
00:08:29,811 --> 00:08:31,779
Thank you, Daddy, thank you.
176
00:08:31,847 --> 00:08:33,815
It's so nice.
177
00:08:33,882 --> 00:08:35,516
It's so nice?
178
00:08:35,584 --> 00:08:37,685
It's supposed to be amazing.
179
00:08:37,752 --> 00:08:38,819
I'm sorry, Daddy.
180
00:08:38,887 --> 00:08:39,954
No, no, no, no, don't do that.
181
00:08:40,021 --> 00:08:43,524
I-- I thought you
loved Sabrina Bubble.
182
00:08:43,591 --> 00:08:44,758
Who do you like now?
183
00:08:44,826 --> 00:08:46,560
Lady Gaga.
184
00:08:46,628 --> 00:08:48,162
Lady Gaga?
185
00:08:48,230 --> 00:08:50,966
Jesus, honey,
she's pretty grown up.
186
00:08:51,033 --> 00:08:52,467
She's amazing.
187
00:08:52,535 --> 00:08:53,835
She's my favorite.
188
00:08:53,903 --> 00:08:56,806
I-- I appreciate
that you like her, but I--
189
00:08:56,874 --> 00:08:58,741
Lady Gaga's an artist.
190
00:08:58,809 --> 00:09:00,276
Honey, I wouldn't--
within reason,
191
00:09:00,344 --> 00:09:03,246
I would never tell you
what to listen to, but I--
192
00:09:03,314 --> 00:09:05,214
I want you to grow up to...
193
00:09:05,282 --> 00:09:08,651
to like yourself and have
a job and be strong
194
00:09:08,718 --> 00:09:11,754
and to think about
who you are, not...
195
00:09:11,822 --> 00:09:12,922
I don't want you to
think it's all
196
00:09:12,989 --> 00:09:17,059
about your looks
and glamour and stuff.
197
00:09:17,127 --> 00:09:19,228
Well, can't I grow up like that
198
00:09:19,296 --> 00:09:21,030
and still like Lady Gaga?
199
00:09:26,469 --> 00:09:28,672
So what cities are we lookin'
at for the fall tour?
200
00:09:28,739 --> 00:09:30,507
All right, so I'm thinking
we start in Texas.
201
00:09:30,575 --> 00:09:32,576
Gonna cover
Houston, Austin, Dallas,
202
00:09:32,644 --> 00:09:35,112
San Antonio, then El Paso--
that's one week.
203
00:09:35,180 --> 00:09:36,780
Then we're gonna--
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
204
00:09:36,848 --> 00:09:38,415
That's too
many nights in a row.
205
00:09:38,483 --> 00:09:39,950
I told you, I gotta
come home every week
206
00:09:40,018 --> 00:09:41,585
to be with the kids,
three nights a week.
207
00:09:41,653 --> 00:09:42,720
I told you that.
208
00:09:42,788 --> 00:09:44,389
I can't go out for that long.
209
00:09:44,456 --> 00:09:46,191
Dude, Louie, you could
make so much more money
210
00:09:46,258 --> 00:09:47,759
if you stay out longer,
I'm telling you.
211
00:09:47,826 --> 00:09:49,160
I know that.
212
00:09:49,228 --> 00:09:50,161
But I got my kids
Monday, Tuesday,
213
00:09:50,229 --> 00:09:51,429
and Wednesday nights.
214
00:09:51,497 --> 00:09:52,564
I can't work those nights.
215
00:09:52,631 --> 00:09:53,631
That's just the way
it is, Doug.
216
00:09:53,699 --> 00:09:55,900
Okay, fine, I get it.
217
00:09:55,968 --> 00:09:58,069
You know what, we gotta go
back to El Paso next year.
218
00:09:58,137 --> 00:09:59,937
Just ( bleep ) El Paso,
( bleep ) ri'em right in the ass.
219
00:10:00,005 --> 00:10:01,639
All right, all right,
okay, you don't have to...
220
00:10:01,707 --> 00:10:03,041
I'm sorry for cursing.
221
00:10:03,108 --> 00:10:04,909
I understand
about your kids, okay?
222
00:10:04,977 --> 00:10:06,311
I mean, I don't have kids
223
00:10:06,379 --> 00:10:08,145
but I have a father,
so I get it.
224
00:10:08,213 --> 00:10:10,281
Um, did your girl like
the Sabrina Bubble tickets?
225
00:10:10,349 --> 00:10:11,549
You know what,
I forgot to tell you,
226
00:10:11,616 --> 00:10:13,618
she doesn't wanna go.
She didn't wanna go?
227
00:10:13,685 --> 00:10:15,720
No, she likes Lady Gaga now.
228
00:10:15,787 --> 00:10:17,488
Oh, shit, Lady Gaga?
229
00:10:17,556 --> 00:10:19,357
Yeah, can you get tickets?
No.
230
00:10:19,424 --> 00:10:21,425
No, just like that?
No, I can't-- Lady Gaga?
231
00:10:21,493 --> 00:10:22,560
No way, man.
232
00:10:22,628 --> 00:10:24,095
Listen, we work with
Live Promotion Inc.
233
00:10:24,163 --> 00:10:25,730
She's AEG all the way.
234
00:10:25,797 --> 00:10:27,865
Oh...
235
00:10:27,932 --> 00:10:29,499
Does AEG handle any comedians?
236
00:10:29,568 --> 00:10:31,402
Only one.
Who?
237
00:10:31,470 --> 00:10:33,437
Dane Cook.
238
00:10:33,505 --> 00:10:35,039
Oh.
239
00:10:35,107 --> 00:10:36,374
Yeah.
Shit.
240
00:10:36,442 --> 00:10:38,477
Yeah, the arena dog.
241
00:10:38,545 --> 00:10:39,712
I mean, he's gonna be
at the Garden.
242
00:10:39,779 --> 00:10:41,347
If you want, I can
get you backstage passes,
243
00:10:41,414 --> 00:10:42,815
you can go talk to him.
244
00:10:57,315 --> 00:10:58,582
Hey, man.
Hey.
245
00:10:58,650 --> 00:10:59,850
What are you doin' here?
246
00:10:59,918 --> 00:11:01,285
I thought you hated Dane.
247
00:11:01,353 --> 00:11:02,587
I don't hate him.
248
00:11:02,654 --> 00:11:04,422
You should hate him,
he stole your jokes.
249
00:11:04,490 --> 00:11:05,823
I don't know
that he stole my jokes.
250
00:11:05,891 --> 00:11:08,393
Everybody says
he stole your jokes.
251
00:11:08,460 --> 00:11:10,061
He stole your jokes, stupid.
252
00:11:10,129 --> 00:11:11,429
I st came to talk
to him about something.
253
00:11:11,497 --> 00:11:12,997
I don't know...
254
00:11:13,065 --> 00:11:15,233
What are you doing here?
Pickin' up young pussy.
255
00:11:15,301 --> 00:11:17,835
All his fans are college age.
256
00:11:17,903 --> 00:11:20,271
You know... nice and snug.
257
00:11:20,339 --> 00:11:21,473
I get it.
258
00:11:21,540 --> 00:11:22,908
Dane says he'll see you.
259
00:11:22,975 --> 00:11:24,209
Come with us.
260
00:11:25,945 --> 00:11:27,312
All right, man, I'll see l you later.
All right, later.
261
00:11:27,379 --> 00:11:28,479
Take it easy.
262
00:11:38,524 --> 00:11:39,657
( man ) Comin' up on the right.
263
00:11:49,335 --> 00:11:50,369
Hold up for the hand-off.
264
00:12:26,572 --> 00:12:27,538
Crazy.
265
00:12:27,606 --> 00:12:28,673
He's coming down.
266
00:12:30,075 --> 00:12:32,710
Hey, Dane.
267
00:12:32,778 --> 00:12:35,113
Can I-- can I talk to
you for a second?
268
00:12:35,181 --> 00:12:36,882
Yeah.
269
00:12:36,950 --> 00:12:39,051
Um, can you guys just
give me a minute?
270
00:12:39,119 --> 00:12:40,720
Yeah.
271
00:12:45,927 --> 00:12:47,328
Thanks.
272
00:12:53,503 --> 00:12:55,938
Uh...
273
00:12:56,005 --> 00:12:57,506
I need to ask you for a favor.
274
00:13:01,778 --> 00:13:04,613
Well, this should be, uh...
275
00:13:06,849 --> 00:13:07,683
That's really something.
276
00:13:07,750 --> 00:13:09,451
Okay.
277
00:13:09,519 --> 00:13:11,320
Look, I--
I know that, um...
278
00:13:11,387 --> 00:13:13,655
"Um" what?
279
00:13:13,723 --> 00:13:15,490
I have a daughter
and, uh--
280
00:13:15,558 --> 00:13:17,492
What can I do for you?
281
00:13:17,560 --> 00:13:19,261
I have a daughter, she's ten,
282
00:13:19,328 --> 00:13:22,030
she just turned ten,
she had a birthday
283
00:13:22,097 --> 00:13:23,798
and she wants
to go see Lady Gaga.
284
00:13:23,866 --> 00:13:25,099
Lady Gaga.
285
00:13:25,167 --> 00:13:26,333
Awesome.
286
00:13:26,401 --> 00:13:28,469
And I know you have the same
promoter as her...
287
00:13:28,536 --> 00:13:30,104
Yeah.
288
00:13:30,171 --> 00:13:33,440
... so I was hoping
that you could, uh...
289
00:13:33,507 --> 00:13:35,842
you could help me...
290
00:13:35,910 --> 00:13:39,079
to get her tickets...
291
00:13:39,147 --> 00:13:41,515
for her birthday.
292
00:13:41,583 --> 00:13:43,017
I could totally
do that for you,
293
00:13:43,084 --> 00:13:45,119
uh, easily.
294
00:13:45,187 --> 00:13:46,687
I know Lady Gaga.
295
00:13:46,755 --> 00:13:49,257
You do?
296
00:13:49,325 --> 00:13:54,196
And, uh, yeah, I could
get you tickets, backstage,
297
00:13:54,263 --> 00:13:57,866
and, uh, I could help you
to make your daughter
298
00:13:57,934 --> 00:14:00,402
very, very happy.
299
00:14:00,470 --> 00:14:03,138
Mm-hmm.
300
00:14:03,206 --> 00:14:05,974
All you have to do is
301
00:14:06,042 --> 00:14:07,843
go on YouTube
302
00:14:07,910 --> 00:14:11,245
and tell everybody that
I did not steal your material.
303
00:14:13,181 --> 00:14:14,548
I never said that
you stole my jokes--
304
00:14:14,616 --> 00:14:16,350
You never said it.
305
00:14:16,417 --> 00:14:17,884
But you let other
people say it.
306
00:14:17,952 --> 00:14:18,885
What let?
307
00:14:18,953 --> 00:14:20,287
I can't tell
people what to say.
308
00:14:20,355 --> 00:14:21,989
You're full of shit!
309
00:14:22,056 --> 00:14:23,223
Dane, look--
310
00:14:23,291 --> 00:14:25,292
You know what?
311
00:14:25,360 --> 00:14:27,528
I'm excited that you're
in this room right now
312
00:14:27,595 --> 00:14:29,963
'cause I waited four years
313
00:14:30,031 --> 00:14:31,198
to tell you this.
314
00:14:32,767 --> 00:14:35,168
Do you know the year
2000 and six?
315
00:14:35,236 --> 00:14:36,837
2000 and six?
Yes.
316
00:14:36,904 --> 00:14:38,438
2000 and six.
317
00:14:38,506 --> 00:14:40,440
You don't really
say "2000 and six."
318
00:14:40,508 --> 00:14:42,943
It's 2006.
319
00:14:43,010 --> 00:14:44,944
"2000 and six" is like saying
320
00:14:45,012 --> 00:14:47,446
the year 2000 and, by the way,
the number six.
321
00:14:47,514 --> 00:14:49,648
"2000 and six"
322
00:14:49,716 --> 00:14:51,950
was the greatest
year of my entire life.
323
00:14:52,018 --> 00:14:53,919
I had a double-platinum
comedy album.
324
00:14:53,987 --> 00:14:55,387
First one ever to exist.
325
00:14:55,455 --> 00:14:57,689
I had a massive HBO special.
326
00:14:57,757 --> 00:14:59,458
I was on
the cover of "TIME."
327
00:14:59,526 --> 00:15:00,759
Well, you were on the corner,
328
00:15:00,827 --> 00:15:01,694
the little corner thing.
329
00:15:01,761 --> 00:15:02,962
It wasn't the--
330
00:15:03,029 --> 00:15:04,497
Not like when the president
is on the cover.
331
00:15:04,564 --> 00:15:06,966
2000 and six.
332
00:15:07,034 --> 00:15:09,202
That should've
been like my triumph,
333
00:15:09,270 --> 00:15:12,373
and I enjoyed it, Louie,
for maybe two months.
334
00:15:12,440 --> 00:15:15,009
Two months before
it started to suck
335
00:15:15,077 --> 00:15:16,545
because everything
I read about me was about
336
00:15:16,612 --> 00:15:19,247
how I stole jokes from you,
which I didn't.
337
00:15:19,315 --> 00:15:21,116
I kind of think you did.
338
00:15:21,183 --> 00:15:23,518
Dude, why would
I steal three jokes from you
339
00:15:23,586 --> 00:15:25,120
when I have hours of material?
340
00:15:25,187 --> 00:15:26,388
Why?
Why would I do that?
341
00:15:26,455 --> 00:15:28,056
Risk my reputation!
342
00:15:28,124 --> 00:15:29,758
'Cause they were funny jokes.
343
00:15:31,661 --> 00:15:33,162
You know what, Louie?
344
00:15:33,230 --> 00:15:34,497
You know what the biggest
lie in the world is?
345
00:15:34,565 --> 00:15:35,898
Is that I'm a rock star,
346
00:15:35,966 --> 00:15:38,101
I'm a millionaire,
I'm-- I'm a comedy behemoth
347
00:15:38,168 --> 00:15:40,503
and you're like a comic's comic
348
00:15:40,571 --> 00:15:43,072
and you're an inside-joke guy
and I'm a sellout
349
00:15:43,139 --> 00:15:45,675
and-- and I sold my soul
350
00:15:45,743 --> 00:15:48,244
and you have-- you have
artistic integrity
351
00:15:48,312 --> 00:15:50,714
and you're a--
you're a good guy.
352
00:15:50,782 --> 00:15:52,249
We're in this room right now,
you and me.
353
00:15:52,316 --> 00:15:54,251
You looking at me.
354
00:15:54,318 --> 00:15:57,921
You let your name
be used to hurt me.
355
00:16:00,358 --> 00:16:03,093
And now you're sitting here,
asking me to use my fame
356
00:16:03,161 --> 00:16:06,430
to get you
tickets to Lady Gaga.
357
00:16:06,497 --> 00:16:09,633
I mean, how shitty do you
feel right now?
358
00:16:09,701 --> 00:16:10,934
Very.
359
00:16:11,002 --> 00:16:12,269
So you admit that
this is all bullshit.
360
00:16:12,337 --> 00:16:14,371
You wanna know what I think?
361
00:16:14,439 --> 00:16:15,839
You wanna...
362
00:16:17,441 --> 00:16:19,710
I don't think that you
saw me do those jokes
363
00:16:19,777 --> 00:16:21,411
and said, "I'm gonna
tell those jokes, too."
364
00:16:21,479 --> 00:16:23,447
I don't think there's a world
where you're that stupid
365
00:16:23,514 --> 00:16:24,815
or that bad a guy.
366
00:16:24,883 --> 00:16:27,284
I-- I do think, though,
that you're like--
367
00:16:27,352 --> 00:16:29,653
you're like
a machine of success.
368
00:16:29,721 --> 00:16:31,855
You're like-- like a rocket
369
00:16:31,923 --> 00:16:34,057
and you're rocketing
to the stars
370
00:16:34,125 --> 00:16:36,759
and your engines
are sucking stuff up.
371
00:16:36,827 --> 00:16:38,595
Stuff is getting sucked up
in your engines,
372
00:16:38,662 --> 00:16:41,764
like birds and bugs
and some of my jokes.
373
00:16:43,633 --> 00:16:45,401
I think you saw me
do them--
374
00:16:45,469 --> 00:16:46,835
I know you saw me do them
375
00:16:46,903 --> 00:16:49,304
and I think they
just went in your brain
376
00:16:49,372 --> 00:16:51,606
and I don't think you
meant to do it,
377
00:16:51,674 --> 00:16:54,308
but I don't think
you stopped yourself, either.
378
00:16:54,376 --> 00:16:56,811
And that's why I never felt
the need to help you
379
00:16:56,878 --> 00:16:59,280
not be hated
by a lot of people.
380
00:17:04,519 --> 00:17:06,621
But I feel bad.
381
00:17:06,689 --> 00:17:09,123
I mean, I do, I feel bad.
382
00:17:09,191 --> 00:17:11,125
That's great that you
feel bad, right here,
383
00:17:11,193 --> 00:17:15,496
in this room, just, y'know,
the two of us, alone.
384
00:17:15,564 --> 00:17:18,633
Maybe if you felt bad publicly,
385
00:17:18,700 --> 00:17:20,601
on the Internet, then this
could all be behind us--
386
00:17:20,669 --> 00:17:22,437
Well, well, are you
willing to admit,
387
00:17:22,505 --> 00:17:25,207
even for a minute, that
maybe-- maybe you inadvertently
388
00:17:25,274 --> 00:17:26,441
took 'emok or some--
389
00:17:26,509 --> 00:17:28,143
maybe you had some part of it?
390
00:17:28,211 --> 00:17:30,512
Maybe they got in your brain
and you shat 'em out.
391
00:17:30,580 --> 00:17:33,516
Maybe it was inadvertent,
but maybe it did happen.
392
00:17:36,486 --> 00:17:37,853
I-- I shouldn't have
come here, man--
393
00:17:37,921 --> 00:17:40,489
Louie, do you want the tickets?
394
00:17:40,556 --> 00:17:41,990
Because I'm sure that your--
395
00:17:42,058 --> 00:17:43,325
Honestly, I think
that your daughter--
396
00:17:43,393 --> 00:17:45,093
I bet she's really nice.
397
00:17:45,161 --> 00:17:46,628
But you got a lot of
nerve comin' in here, man.
398
00:17:46,696 --> 00:17:48,697
I don't know, it's like
I don't have kids,
399
00:17:48,765 --> 00:17:50,766
so I don't--
I don't get it,
400
00:17:50,833 --> 00:17:54,402
but it must mean a lot
for you to, you know,
401
00:17:54,470 --> 00:17:56,137
come in here and do this,
402
00:17:56,205 --> 00:17:58,874
so, um...
you want the tickets?
403
00:17:58,942 --> 00:17:59,942
Thank you, I--
404
00:18:00,009 --> 00:18:01,510
Yes, I'd like the tickets.
405
00:18:01,578 --> 00:18:03,045
How many?
Two, please.
406
00:18:03,113 --> 00:18:05,013
You got 'em, mm-hmm, okay.
That's good.
407
00:18:05,081 --> 00:18:08,217
Thank you, I appreciate it
a lot, seriously.
408
00:18:08,285 --> 00:18:09,586
You know, the one thing
that, like,
409
00:18:09,653 --> 00:18:13,324
really just...
410
00:18:13,391 --> 00:18:15,926
gets to me
is the whole thing about,
411
00:18:15,994 --> 00:18:18,396
um, people saying that
I stole the joke about
412
00:18:18,464 --> 00:18:20,698
the itchy asshole?
413
00:18:20,766 --> 00:18:26,304
Because... I-- I get
an itchy asshole... a lot.
414
00:18:26,372 --> 00:18:28,406
So for you to think that
you're the only person
415
00:18:28,474 --> 00:18:30,408
who got an itchy
asshole in America--
416
00:18:30,476 --> 00:18:33,411
I mean, that's like, that's...
that's bullshit, y'know?
417
00:18:33,479 --> 00:18:37,082
You should try a...
a natural laundry detergent.
418
00:18:37,149 --> 00:18:38,751
What?
419
00:18:44,490 --> 00:18:45,690
Your daughter is ten?
420
00:18:45,758 --> 00:18:47,325
Yeah.
421
00:18:47,393 --> 00:18:49,160
Why are you
getting her tickets?
422
00:18:49,228 --> 00:18:51,596
What do you mean?
423
00:18:51,664 --> 00:18:52,664
She's ten.
424
00:18:52,732 --> 00:18:54,466
I mean, I remember being ten.
425
00:18:54,534 --> 00:18:57,268
An envelope when
you're ten is...
426
00:18:57,336 --> 00:18:59,270
it's a bummer.
427
00:18:59,338 --> 00:19:02,407
You know, when you're a kid,
you want, like, a box.
428
00:19:02,474 --> 00:19:04,375
You know, why don't
you go get her something?
429
00:19:04,443 --> 00:19:06,344
Get her something, like
a gift that you found,
430
00:19:06,411 --> 00:19:08,913
from her daddy, you know?
431
00:19:08,980 --> 00:19:10,180
A box is exciting
when you're a kid.
432
00:19:10,248 --> 00:19:12,115
An envelope is, you know...
433
00:19:20,891 --> 00:19:22,292
Oh, shit.
434
00:19:29,233 --> 00:19:30,600
Hey, you want a snack?
435
00:19:30,668 --> 00:19:32,101
Oh, yeah, thanks, Dad.
436
00:19:32,169 --> 00:19:34,671
No, not yet, this first.
437
00:19:34,739 --> 00:19:35,672
Can I open it?
438
00:19:35,739 --> 00:19:36,706
Yes!
439
00:19:48,717 --> 00:19:50,151
Thanks, Daddy.
440
00:19:50,219 --> 00:19:51,452
That's nice.
441
00:19:56,290 --> 00:19:57,925
Okay, happy birthday.
442
00:19:57,992 --> 00:19:59,360
Thanks.
443
00:20:17,306 --> 00:20:18,807
( audience laughing )
444
00:20:25,001 --> 00:20:25,947
Hey, what's up?
445
00:20:26,015 --> 00:20:28,384
You didn't open that on
the kitchen table, did you?
446
00:20:28,452 --> 00:20:29,585
Nope.
447
00:20:29,653 --> 00:20:31,421
Are you lying?
Yep.
448
00:20:31,489 --> 00:20:32,822
( audience laughing )
449
00:20:32,890 --> 00:20:33,836
Why do you do that?
450
00:20:33,880 --> 00:20:35,925
The opener
is right in the drawer.
451
00:20:35,993 --> 00:20:38,195
Yeah, but the table's
right here.
452
00:20:38,263 --> 00:20:40,130
Louie!
453
00:20:40,198 --> 00:20:41,599
I love you.
454
00:20:41,667 --> 00:20:43,800
( audience )
Aww...
455
00:20:47,038 --> 00:20:48,205
I love you, too.
456
00:20:48,272 --> 00:20:49,839
Aww.
457
00:20:49,907 --> 00:20:51,474
You're everything to me.
458
00:20:51,542 --> 00:20:53,476
( crowd applauding )
459
00:20:56,788 --> 00:21:06,824
Sync & corrected by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
460
00:21:06,874 --> 00:21:11,424
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
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