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1
00:00:00,948 --> 00:00:02,381
I have running water
in a toilet--
2
00:00:02,449 --> 00:00:05,283
( men laughing )
3
00:00:07,251 --> 00:00:09,483
Some guy to
"Chang, Chang."
4
00:00:09,551 --> 00:00:11,417
I seduced a harp player.
5
00:00:11,485 --> 00:00:12,451
( man ) A harp player?
A harp player.
6
00:00:12,518 --> 00:00:14,018
He goes, "She's young, cute."
7
00:00:14,085 --> 00:00:15,384
He goes, "Oh,
she doesn't work here."
8
00:00:15,452 --> 00:00:16,584
( men laughing )
9
00:00:16,585 --> 00:00:16,985
Waitresses there hate
10
00:00:17,052 --> 00:00:19,321
me since then.
11
00:00:19,389 --> 00:00:20,690
Is that bad?
12
00:00:20,757 --> 00:00:22,626
I said to her,
13
00:00:22,694 --> 00:00:25,398
"You're my sister, and I want to
do open mics."
14
00:00:30,637 --> 00:00:31,969
( man ) Yes, honest to God.
15
00:00:32,033 --> 00:00:33,930
( man )
Behind a Dunkin' Donuts?
16
00:00:33,998 --> 00:00:35,688
Okay, okay, okay.
17
00:00:35,756 --> 00:00:37,622
Okay, sorry.
18
00:00:37,690 --> 00:00:39,423
Deal!
All right.
19
00:00:39,491 --> 00:00:41,291
All right, two gets a nine,
that's flushing.
20
00:00:41,358 --> 00:00:42,759
Queen gets a Jack.
21
00:00:42,826 --> 00:00:44,893
Wait, is this high-low?
Yes, it's high-low.
22
00:00:46,128 --> 00:00:47,628
You know what you can do
with this seven?
23
00:00:47,695 --> 00:00:49,495
Shove it straight up
your mother's shit maker.
24
00:00:49,563 --> 00:00:51,396
( man ) I don't think
it'll fit there.
25
00:00:51,464 --> 00:00:52,930
Her ass is so crammed
with all the dicks
26
00:00:52,998 --> 00:00:54,631
she finds behind
the bus station.
27
00:00:54,699 --> 00:00:56,132
That doesn't even make
any sense.
28
00:00:56,200 --> 00:00:57,767
See, what Nick is saying
29
00:00:57,834 --> 00:00:59,534
is that your mother goes
to the bus station
30
00:00:59,602 --> 00:01:01,568
and she gets, like, old,
thrown-away penises there.
31
00:01:01,636 --> 00:01:03,436
Like, out back,
where they keep those.
32
00:01:03,504 --> 00:01:05,204
Like in a bin.
33
00:01:05,271 --> 00:01:07,604
She does this so much,
her ass is just crammed.
34
00:01:07,672 --> 00:01:09,138
Your mom really does that?
35
00:01:09,206 --> 00:01:11,006
I don't know,
I don't talk to her every day.
36
00:01:11,074 --> 00:01:12,574
( Louie ) Let me finish.
37
00:01:12,642 --> 00:01:14,341
She just crams 'em into there
38
00:01:14,409 --> 00:01:16,309
and uses one of those
coffee tampers, you know?
39
00:01:16,343 --> 00:01:17,843
For espresso machines?
40
00:01:17,911 --> 00:01:19,878
You know, I got it earlier,
but now I--
41
00:01:19,946 --> 00:01:21,512
Wait a minute,
I'm not finished.
42
00:01:21,580 --> 00:01:23,280
And she just shoves 'em
in there, just--
43
00:01:23,348 --> 00:01:25,348
It's just compressed.
44
00:01:25,416 --> 00:01:28,016
It's like she's almost crushing
dicks into like a dick diamond,
45
00:01:28,084 --> 00:01:30,084
like a pink diamond.
46
00:01:30,152 --> 00:01:32,352
And so, you know,
try to get a card in there.
47
00:01:32,420 --> 00:01:34,554
Okay, that does make sense.
48
00:01:34,622 --> 00:01:36,255
What's that feel like, anyways?
What?
49
00:01:36,323 --> 00:01:37,989
A dick in the ass.
50
00:01:38,057 --> 00:01:40,091
You're asking me
because I'm gay?
51
00:01:40,158 --> 00:01:41,892
No, I'm asking you
'cause you're very learned.
52
00:01:41,960 --> 00:01:44,493
Yeah, I'm asking you 'cause
you're the only gay person here.
53
00:01:44,561 --> 00:01:46,728
Are you interested for any
particular reason?
54
00:01:46,796 --> 00:01:49,529
You need a breath mint,
my friend.
55
00:01:49,597 --> 00:01:51,063
Hey, Rick.
56
00:01:51,131 --> 00:01:53,231
Is it true there's a gay club
in the city called "Jerks"
57
00:01:53,299 --> 00:01:54,933
where gay guys
just stand around all day
58
00:01:55,000 --> 00:01:56,567
and play with each
other's dicks?
59
00:01:56,635 --> 00:01:58,435
Yeah, City Jerks.
Oh, my God.
60
00:01:58,502 --> 00:02:00,102
What is wrong with you people?
61
00:02:00,170 --> 00:02:01,737
Wait, there's really
a club like that?
62
00:02:01,805 --> 00:02:04,005
It's not a club, per Se,
it's like a floating party.
63
00:02:04,073 --> 00:02:05,706
It meets in different
locations every week
64
00:02:05,774 --> 00:02:07,407
And what goes on there?
65
00:02:07,442 --> 00:02:08,909
Jesus, do we need to hear this?
66
00:02:08,976 --> 00:02:10,310
Why don't you just shut up
and learn something?
67
00:02:10,378 --> 00:02:12,044
Hey, why don't you shut up?
68
00:02:12,112 --> 00:02:13,546
Nice one.
Don't want to.
69
00:02:13,613 --> 00:02:16,414
City Jerks is a gathering,
sometimes in a hotel room,
70
00:02:16,482 --> 00:02:19,016
sometimes at a club and,
you know, different places.
71
00:02:19,084 --> 00:02:21,785
And it started, basically,
when AIDS did.
72
00:02:21,852 --> 00:02:24,253
They wanted to have a
club where guys could have,
73
00:02:24,320 --> 00:02:27,588
like a group sexual outlet,
but still play safe.
74
00:02:27,656 --> 00:02:30,323
You know, so at this--
75
00:02:30,391 --> 00:02:33,025
You know, at these meetings,
they get together,
76
00:02:33,093 --> 00:02:36,561
some guys go one-on-one,
some guys go in a huddle.
77
00:02:36,629 --> 00:02:38,763
Like do what, what goes on?
78
00:02:38,831 --> 00:02:40,898
You masturbate each other.
Oh, Jesus.
79
00:02:40,966 --> 00:02:43,299
I thought masturbation
meant only one person.
80
00:02:43,367 --> 00:02:45,234
So you just stand around
in a room
81
00:02:45,302 --> 00:02:47,002
and you jerk each other off?
82
00:02:47,070 --> 00:02:48,536
Yeah, that's why they
call it "City Jerks."
83
00:02:48,604 --> 00:02:50,705
Well, you could just watch--
a lot of guys like to watch
84
00:02:50,772 --> 00:02:52,639
while another guy
pleasures himself.
85
00:02:52,707 --> 00:02:54,808
Stop--
stop telling this!
86
00:02:54,875 --> 00:02:56,709
I'm gonna puke.
87
00:02:56,777 --> 00:02:58,410
Is there a lesser charge for
watching, like standing room?
88
00:02:58,478 --> 00:03:00,178
( Rick ) No, no, no.
89
00:03:00,246 --> 00:03:02,046
Like auditing a class?
No, because you're never--
90
00:03:02,114 --> 00:03:04,515
( laughing )
91
00:03:04,582 --> 00:03:05,916
What's a "huddle"?
92
00:03:05,983 --> 00:03:07,217
You said "huddle," what's that?
93
00:03:07,284 --> 00:03:09,719
It's a huddle, where you
huddle together in a group
94
00:03:09,786 --> 00:03:11,987
and everybody reaches in and
you kind of help yourself.
95
00:03:12,054 --> 00:03:13,688
To cocks and balls.
Sure.
96
00:03:13,756 --> 00:03:15,790
Oh, my God, what--
97
00:03:15,857 --> 00:03:17,858
What are they in,
98
00:03:17,926 --> 00:03:20,960
Jesus Christ,
what are you people thinking?
99
00:03:21,027 --> 00:03:23,095
Out of the huddle?
100
00:03:23,162 --> 00:03:25,163
Like, "You jerk him,
you jerk him.
101
00:03:25,231 --> 00:03:26,798
Break."
102
00:03:26,865 --> 00:03:28,699
( man ) "Break!"
( man ) On two!
103
00:03:28,767 --> 00:03:30,300
( man ) On two.
104
00:03:30,368 --> 00:03:31,935
What do you do if you're there
and somebody recognizes you?
105
00:03:32,002 --> 00:03:33,369
Say hi.
106
00:03:33,437 --> 00:03:35,170
( men laughing )
107
00:03:35,238 --> 00:03:37,705
Well, you'll be pleased to know,
everybody's naked,
108
00:03:37,773 --> 00:03:39,774
except for shoes and socks.
109
00:03:39,841 --> 00:03:41,608
Really?
Why the shoes and socks?
110
00:03:41,709 --> 00:03:43,109
Well, after awhile,
the floor is full of--
111
00:03:43,177 --> 00:03:44,310
All right!
112
00:03:44,378 --> 00:03:45,911
I get it!
113
00:03:45,979 --> 00:03:47,346
Christ!
114
00:03:47,413 --> 00:03:49,181
That much ( blank ), you
gotta put on some shoes?
115
00:03:49,249 --> 00:03:50,982
Like high-- like Timberlands,
you need some big shoes?
116
00:03:51,050 --> 00:03:53,017
No, just regular shoes
with a rubber sole.
117
00:03:53,085 --> 00:03:55,085
Sure-- something stylish,
though, still?
118
00:03:55,153 --> 00:03:57,253
Florsheim has some stuff,
you know.
119
00:03:57,321 --> 00:03:59,288
Snowshoes or something--
120
00:03:59,356 --> 00:04:00,422
Flippers. Flip-flops.
121
00:04:00,490 --> 00:04:01,523
Flip-flops.
122
00:04:01,591 --> 00:04:03,291
Mud cleats.
123
00:04:03,359 --> 00:04:04,425
That's another club.
124
00:04:04,493 --> 00:04:06,861
( men laughing )
125
00:04:06,928 --> 00:04:08,362
That's one of Jim's clubs.
126
00:04:08,430 --> 00:04:09,696
( Nick ) Mud cleats.
127
00:04:09,764 --> 00:04:12,031
You know, I know it's
a free country, Rick,
128
00:04:12,099 --> 00:04:14,267
and I don't care
what you guys do, but...
129
00:04:14,334 --> 00:04:15,701
Thanks, Nick.
130
00:04:15,769 --> 00:04:17,836
Next time I'm about to go down
on a big juicy cock,
131
00:04:17,904 --> 00:04:19,771
I'll remember,
it's all right with you.
132
00:04:19,838 --> 00:04:22,606
You should have that stamped
on the head of the cock.
133
00:04:22,674 --> 00:04:24,240
( man )
"Nick-approved."
134
00:04:24,308 --> 00:04:25,974
( man ) Nick's face.
"Nick-approved."
135
00:04:26,042 --> 00:04:27,775
Like I said, I don't care
and God bless you.
136
00:04:27,843 --> 00:04:28,976
But I gotta be honest.
137
00:04:29,044 --> 00:04:30,945
What you guys do,
it really makes me sick.
138
00:04:31,013 --> 00:04:33,316
And not on a political
Bible level, either.
139
00:04:33,384 --> 00:04:35,452
I mean, just picturing you
touch another guy's dick,
140
00:04:35,520 --> 00:04:37,487
that's gross.
141
00:04:37,555 --> 00:04:39,322
Is that how you feel
about what we do?
142
00:04:39,389 --> 00:04:41,023
What, sex with women?
143
00:04:41,091 --> 00:04:42,991
Yeah, do you get grossed out
thinking about pussy?
144
00:04:43,059 --> 00:04:44,960
I don't think about pussy.
145
00:04:45,027 --> 00:04:47,161
I don't care what you guys do.
146
00:04:47,229 --> 00:04:48,863
You're the ones who asked me.
147
00:04:48,931 --> 00:04:51,499
And you guys ask me this
shit every time I'm here.
148
00:04:51,566 --> 00:04:54,034
Really, I talk about gay sex
more with you guys
149
00:04:54,102 --> 00:04:56,336
than I do with
any of my gay friends.
150
00:04:56,404 --> 00:04:58,171
You guys are obsessed.
151
00:04:58,238 --> 00:05:00,105
Well, I'm curious-- I don't
know that I'm obsessed.
152
00:05:00,173 --> 00:05:02,441
Really?
153
00:05:02,509 --> 00:05:04,643
You, who says "faggot" onstage
more than you say "hello"?
154
00:05:04,710 --> 00:05:05,811
"Hello"?
155
00:05:05,878 --> 00:05:07,479
Who says "hello"
more than once onstage?
156
00:05:07,546 --> 00:05:09,013
( man ) Who says "hello"
onstage at all?
157
00:05:09,081 --> 00:05:10,414
Yeah, hello?
158
00:05:10,482 --> 00:05:12,283
I mean in life,
in life, he says--
159
00:05:12,350 --> 00:05:13,584
More than he says it in life.
160
00:05:13,652 --> 00:05:15,619
Rick, does it offend you
when I say that word?
161
00:05:15,687 --> 00:05:17,420
What word, "hello"?
No, "faggot."
162
00:05:17,488 --> 00:05:20,456
Yeah, does it bother you when
he says the word "faggot"?
163
00:05:20,524 --> 00:05:22,958
No, it bothers me when
you say it,
164
00:05:23,026 --> 00:05:24,393
'cause you mean it.
165
00:05:24,460 --> 00:05:26,795
Yeah, but really, it's like,
as a comedian and a gay guy,
166
00:05:26,863 --> 00:05:28,563
you're the only gay comic
I know.
167
00:05:28,631 --> 00:05:30,798
Do you think I shouldn't be
using that word onstage?
168
00:05:30,866 --> 00:05:33,000
I think you should use
whatever word you want.
169
00:05:33,067 --> 00:05:35,168
When you use it onstage,
170
00:05:35,236 --> 00:05:37,670
I can see it's funny
and I don't care.
171
00:05:37,738 --> 00:05:41,040
But are you interested to know
what it might mean to gay men?
172
00:05:41,108 --> 00:05:43,476
Yeah, I am interested.
173
00:05:43,543 --> 00:05:46,645
Well, the word "faggot" really
means a bundle of sticks
174
00:05:46,713 --> 00:05:48,547
used for kindling in a fire.
175
00:05:48,615 --> 00:05:50,549
Now, in the Middle Ages,
176
00:05:50,616 --> 00:05:52,584
when they used to burn people
they thought were witches,
177
00:05:52,651 --> 00:05:55,052
they used to burn
homosexuals, too.
178
00:05:55,120 --> 00:05:57,321
And they used to burn
the witches at a stake,
179
00:05:57,389 --> 00:05:59,823
but they thought the homosexuals
were too low and disgusting
180
00:05:59,891 --> 00:06:02,192
to be given a stake
to be burned on,
181
00:06:02,259 --> 00:06:04,928
so they used to just throw them
in with the kindling,
182
00:06:04,995 --> 00:06:07,897
with the other "faggots."
183
00:06:07,964 --> 00:06:10,965
So that's how you get
"flaming faggot."
184
00:06:11,033 --> 00:06:13,234
So what you're saying
is gay people
185
00:06:13,302 --> 00:06:15,636
are a good
alternative-fuel source?
186
00:06:15,704 --> 00:06:18,939
That's where they get
the term "diesel Dyke."
187
00:06:19,006 --> 00:06:21,808
I'm sorry, go ahead.
188
00:06:21,876 --> 00:06:25,244
You might want to know that
every gay man in America
189
00:06:25,312 --> 00:06:28,146
has probably had that
word shouted at them
190
00:06:28,214 --> 00:06:30,081
when they're being beaten up,
191
00:06:30,149 --> 00:06:31,883
sometimes many times,
192
00:06:31,951 --> 00:06:34,318
sometimes by a lot of people
all at once.
193
00:06:34,386 --> 00:06:37,654
So when you say it,
194
00:06:37,722 --> 00:06:40,256
it kind of brings that
all back up.
195
00:06:42,793 --> 00:06:45,428
But, you know, by all means,
use it, get your laughs,
196
00:06:45,495 --> 00:06:47,129
but, you know,
now you know what it means.
197
00:06:53,201 --> 00:06:55,102
Okay, thanks, faggot,
we'll keep that in mind.
198
00:06:55,170 --> 00:06:56,970
( all laughing )
199
00:07:09,949 --> 00:07:14,552
♪ Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie ♪
200
00:07:14,620 --> 00:07:19,088
♪ Louie, Louie, Louie Louaaa ♪
201
00:07:19,156 --> 00:07:23,893
♪ Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie ♪
202
00:07:23,960 --> 00:07:28,330
♪ Louie, Louie
you're gonna cry ♪
203
00:07:33,302 --> 00:07:37,705
♪ Louie, Louie Louie Louaaa ♪
204
00:07:37,706 --> 00:07:47,706
Sync by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
205
00:07:50,449 --> 00:07:52,050
( Louie ) Getting
divorced is like a--
206
00:07:52,118 --> 00:07:53,951
It's like stepping out
of a time machine.
207
00:07:54,019 --> 00:07:55,719
That's what it's like.
208
00:07:55,787 --> 00:07:58,954
I got married when I was 28,
divorced when I was 42.
209
00:07:59,022 --> 00:08:01,590
Somebody please tell me
how long that is.
210
00:08:01,658 --> 00:08:03,058
( woman ) 14 years.
211
00:08:03,125 --> 00:08:04,859
Thank you--
that's my wife.
212
00:08:09,631 --> 00:08:11,932
I was married when I was 28,
I got divorced when I was 42,
213
00:08:11,999 --> 00:08:13,800
so I was married for 14 years.
214
00:08:13,868 --> 00:08:16,770
And so getting divorced is like
stepping out of a time machine
215
00:08:16,837 --> 00:08:19,406
that traveled you 14 years,
216
00:08:19,474 --> 00:08:21,942
but it's a really shitty
time machine.
217
00:08:22,010 --> 00:08:24,044
It's the kind of time machine
218
00:08:24,112 --> 00:08:26,413
where it takes
the real amount of time
219
00:08:26,481 --> 00:08:31,152
to take you to the future.
220
00:08:31,219 --> 00:08:33,454
It's basically just a--
221
00:08:33,522 --> 00:08:36,091
Like, if a time machine
was a box
222
00:08:36,159 --> 00:08:39,662
that you get in
and sit in it for two years
223
00:08:39,730 --> 00:08:42,632
and then it's two years later.
224
00:08:42,700 --> 00:08:45,635
That's really what marriage is.
225
00:09:20,624 --> 00:09:22,258
Well, that's it.
226
00:09:22,326 --> 00:09:24,260
You're divorced.
227
00:09:32,100 --> 00:09:34,702
Dude, you're divorced.
228
00:09:34,770 --> 00:09:36,937
That's just weird.
229
00:09:37,005 --> 00:09:38,205
Well, it's not that weird,
you know?
230
00:09:38,740 --> 00:09:40,440
I look at it positively.
231
00:09:40,508 --> 00:09:43,142
It's change--
change happens.
232
00:09:43,210 --> 00:09:44,710
It's weird.
233
00:09:44,778 --> 00:09:46,645
It's just really weird
that you're divorced.
234
00:09:46,713 --> 00:09:48,713
That's not the greatest thing
to keep saying to me right now.
235
00:09:48,781 --> 00:09:50,281
I'm just saying, you know.
236
00:09:50,349 --> 00:09:52,416
You've always been this guy,
Mr. Married,
237
00:09:52,484 --> 00:09:53,851
with the wife,
you had the kids,
238
00:09:53,918 --> 00:09:55,652
and now you got nothing.
239
00:09:55,720 --> 00:09:57,053
Nothing.
240
00:09:57,121 --> 00:09:58,755
I don't have nothing.
241
00:09:58,822 --> 00:10:00,623
I got my kids,
we're sharing custody.
242
00:10:00,691 --> 00:10:02,624
They're with me for
half of every week.
243
00:10:02,692 --> 00:10:04,659
Yeah, but still,
you lost your kids.
244
00:10:04,727 --> 00:10:06,994
Okay, you're just gonna keep
saying what you're saying.
245
00:10:07,062 --> 00:10:09,196
I'm just saying,
I'm worried about you, bro.
246
00:10:09,264 --> 00:10:11,298
I don't want you
to kill yourself.
247
00:10:11,366 --> 00:10:13,666
Jesus, Bobby,
I'm not gonna kill myself.
248
00:10:13,734 --> 00:10:15,068
I'm just saying,
249
00:10:15,135 --> 00:10:17,803
your life looks
pretty bleak, okay?
250
00:10:17,871 --> 00:10:20,138
I'm upset, I'm upset.
251
00:10:20,206 --> 00:10:21,973
Could you shut up?
252
00:10:22,041 --> 00:10:23,508
You know, I don't feel
negative about this
253
00:10:23,576 --> 00:10:25,510
and you're trying to make me
feel negative about it.
254
00:10:25,577 --> 00:10:27,578
I'm not talking
about how you feel.
255
00:10:27,646 --> 00:10:29,146
I'm saying I'm upset.
256
00:10:29,247 --> 00:10:31,014
I mean, I have feelings, too.
257
00:10:31,082 --> 00:10:32,315
I'm your brother and I'm upset.
258
00:10:32,383 --> 00:10:34,183
I get it, okay?
259
00:10:37,053 --> 00:10:39,187
You know, I'm trying to see
the positive in this thing.
260
00:10:39,255 --> 00:10:40,922
I'm-- I'm single now,
I can be with anybody I want.
261
00:10:43,692 --> 00:10:45,359
You know what's really sad?
262
00:10:45,427 --> 00:10:47,494
What?
263
00:10:47,562 --> 00:10:49,161
What's sad is that you're too
old to get anybody else.
264
00:10:52,132 --> 00:10:54,266
You signed a paper
that guarantees
265
00:10:54,334 --> 00:10:56,335
you're gonna die alone
266
00:10:56,402 --> 00:10:58,269
in a room with
a thin blanket over you
267
00:10:58,337 --> 00:11:01,038
and the nurse comes in and
just shuts the machine off.
268
00:11:01,106 --> 00:11:03,007
Dude!
269
00:11:03,075 --> 00:11:04,375
Picture that.
270
00:11:13,399 --> 00:11:15,066
Now, also, I'm 42.
271
00:11:15,134 --> 00:11:17,435
So I'm getting--
I'm really on the decline.
272
00:11:17,502 --> 00:11:20,137
There's never gonna be another
year of my life
273
00:11:20,205 --> 00:11:22,939
that was better
than the year before.
274
00:11:23,007 --> 00:11:25,808
That's never gonna
happen again!
275
00:11:25,876 --> 00:11:28,645
I've seen my best years.
276
00:11:28,712 --> 00:11:30,680
And not only-- I thought,
"Okay, now, I'm gonna start
277
00:11:30,747 --> 00:11:32,381
seeing it kinda, like,
go up like this."
278
00:11:32,449 --> 00:11:33,849
Then I thought,
"You're gonna start--"
279
00:11:33,917 --> 00:11:35,417
No, it's exponential.
280
00:11:35,485 --> 00:11:39,354
The loss of ability,
agility and breath
281
00:11:39,421 --> 00:11:41,521
is exponential.
282
00:11:41,589 --> 00:11:44,858
Last year, I lost 90%
283
00:11:44,925 --> 00:11:48,094
of my health
and well-being.
284
00:11:48,161 --> 00:11:51,764
So I had-- I had 10% of what
I did the year before.
285
00:11:51,831 --> 00:11:55,633
Now, this year,
I've lost 90% of that 10%,
286
00:11:55,701 --> 00:11:57,969
so now I have 10--
287
00:11:58,036 --> 00:12:00,871
You get-- you don't understand
what "exponential" means.
288
00:12:00,939 --> 00:12:02,673
So...
289
00:12:47,444 --> 00:12:49,011
Oh, my God, nightmare.
290
00:13:00,256 --> 00:13:01,589
( chuckling )
291
00:13:07,362 --> 00:13:10,331
Tammy.
292
00:13:10,398 --> 00:13:12,165
Tammy Wickilinis.
293
00:13:39,055 --> 00:13:39,988
( bell ringing )
294
00:13:40,056 --> 00:13:41,856
What are you looking at?
295
00:13:41,924 --> 00:13:44,492
Uh, nothing.
296
00:13:44,559 --> 00:13:46,293
You're funny-looking.
297
00:13:50,831 --> 00:13:52,664
No, sir.
298
00:13:52,731 --> 00:13:54,999
You look just normal.
299
00:14:07,642 --> 00:14:09,375
Hey.
300
00:14:09,443 --> 00:14:11,111
You wanna see something?
301
00:14:11,179 --> 00:14:13,380
Uh, sure.
Come over here.
302
00:14:22,185 --> 00:14:24,518
What's that?
303
00:14:24,586 --> 00:14:26,453
It was my dad's
at the hospital.
304
00:14:26,521 --> 00:14:28,022
He had a car accident.
305
00:14:28,090 --> 00:14:30,258
He died.
306
00:14:30,326 --> 00:14:31,860
Some creepy shit, right?
307
00:14:34,230 --> 00:14:35,864
You're holding that.
308
00:14:35,931 --> 00:14:38,298
My dead dad wore that.
309
00:14:38,366 --> 00:14:40,399
Friggin' creepy, right?
310
00:14:40,467 --> 00:14:42,134
You want to keep it?
311
00:14:57,622 --> 00:14:59,323
Oh, my God.
312
00:15:28,423 --> 00:15:29,389
Hey.
313
00:15:29,457 --> 00:15:31,292
Hey, what's up?
314
00:15:31,359 --> 00:15:32,894
You want a shot?
315
00:15:32,961 --> 00:15:34,295
Uh, no.
316
00:15:34,363 --> 00:15:35,563
Come on!
317
00:15:35,630 --> 00:15:37,730
It's only Peppermint schnapps.
318
00:15:37,798 --> 00:15:38,997
No.
319
00:15:40,399 --> 00:15:42,400
Okay, so I'll see you later.
320
00:15:42,468 --> 00:15:44,268
Okay.
Hey!
321
00:15:44,336 --> 00:15:46,069
What are you, stupid?
322
00:15:46,137 --> 00:15:49,138
What?
Do you like me?
323
00:15:49,206 --> 00:15:52,241
Do you like me,
like, as a girl?
324
00:15:52,308 --> 00:15:54,742
Uh...
325
00:15:54,810 --> 00:15:57,411
Okay, so, whip it out.
326
00:15:57,478 --> 00:15:59,546
What ? Come on,
whip it out.
327
00:16:27,631 --> 00:16:29,565
( clattering )
328
00:17:03,793 --> 00:17:05,527
Tammy.
329
00:17:05,594 --> 00:17:07,628
Oh, my God, you showed up.
330
00:17:07,696 --> 00:17:09,230
Yeah, hi.
331
00:17:09,298 --> 00:17:10,497
Hey.
332
00:17:10,565 --> 00:17:12,232
Well, come in.
333
00:17:12,300 --> 00:17:14,266
You still want
to come in, right?
334
00:17:14,334 --> 00:17:16,268
Yeah, sure, of course.
335
00:17:28,215 --> 00:17:30,983
So do you remember me much?
336
00:17:31,050 --> 00:17:32,551
Nope.
337
00:17:32,618 --> 00:17:34,919
To be honest, no.
338
00:17:34,987 --> 00:17:37,189
But you remembered me.
339
00:17:37,256 --> 00:17:39,124
Obviously, you looked me up.
340
00:17:39,192 --> 00:17:41,994
Yeah, yeah, I guess so.
341
00:17:42,061 --> 00:17:44,999
So what do you remember?
342
00:17:45,067 --> 00:17:47,670
Uh...
343
00:17:47,738 --> 00:17:49,839
What?
344
00:17:49,907 --> 00:17:51,775
Just nothing.
345
00:17:51,842 --> 00:17:53,677
We had a moment.
346
00:17:53,745 --> 00:17:55,479
You and me had,
like a--
347
00:17:55,547 --> 00:17:57,451
like a moment.
348
00:17:57,518 --> 00:18:00,054
And it kind of stuck with me.
349
00:18:00,122 --> 00:18:02,056
Really?
350
00:18:02,124 --> 00:18:03,390
What?
351
00:18:03,458 --> 00:18:05,556
Nothing, just--
352
00:18:05,624 --> 00:18:07,923
Whip it out.
353
00:18:07,991 --> 00:18:09,756
Something you said
to me that--
354
00:18:09,824 --> 00:18:12,056
It just kind of, it just--
355
00:18:12,124 --> 00:18:14,290
Come on, whip it out.
356
00:18:14,390 --> 00:18:16,057
You know, when you're kids.
357
00:18:16,125 --> 00:18:18,025
Like, we were kids, so--
358
00:18:18,093 --> 00:18:20,027
We ain't kids no more, huh?
359
00:18:20,094 --> 00:18:21,461
Nope.
360
00:18:21,528 --> 00:18:23,062
I used to be a pretty hot
361
00:18:23,130 --> 00:18:24,796
little shit back then,
wasn't I?
362
00:18:24,864 --> 00:18:27,164
Yep.
Not anymore.
363
00:18:27,232 --> 00:18:29,265
Well, don't say that,
I mean--
364
00:18:29,333 --> 00:18:31,566
No, that's all right,
nobody stays like that.
365
00:18:31,634 --> 00:18:33,868
I'm 42, I got three kids,
husband.
366
00:18:33,936 --> 00:18:36,536
And here I am.
367
00:18:36,604 --> 00:18:38,839
What about you?
368
00:18:38,907 --> 00:18:41,440
Well, I got married
and I got two girls.
369
00:18:41,508 --> 00:18:42,808
Nice.
Yeah.
370
00:18:42,876 --> 00:18:44,676
I'm divorced now.
371
00:18:44,744 --> 00:18:46,310
Oh, that's why you're
Facebooking.
372
00:18:46,378 --> 00:18:48,044
Playing "could have been."
373
00:18:48,112 --> 00:18:50,512
Yeah, I guess so.
Yeah.
374
00:19:02,194 --> 00:19:03,494
Well.
375
00:19:03,561 --> 00:19:05,362
Yeah, thanks for stopping by.
376
00:19:05,430 --> 00:19:07,497
Okay.
377
00:19:07,565 --> 00:19:09,766
It was good to see you.
Yeah.
378
00:19:09,834 --> 00:19:11,635
Bye, Tammy.
379
00:19:11,702 --> 00:19:13,336
What did I say to you?
380
00:19:13,404 --> 00:19:14,904
What?
381
00:19:14,972 --> 00:19:16,572
You said I said something
that stuck out.
382
00:19:16,640 --> 00:19:18,840
What'd I say?
383
00:19:18,908 --> 00:19:21,511
Well, you told me to--
384
00:19:21,579 --> 00:19:24,747
You-- you said,
"whip it out."
385
00:19:24,814 --> 00:19:27,249
Really?
Yeah.
386
00:19:27,316 --> 00:19:29,985
Wow.
387
00:19:30,052 --> 00:19:31,554
Did you?
388
00:19:31,622 --> 00:19:33,757
No.
389
00:19:33,825 --> 00:19:35,492
I didn't have the guts.
390
00:19:35,560 --> 00:19:36,994
Hmm, well.
391
00:19:41,866 --> 00:19:45,535
So, whip it out.
392
00:19:45,603 --> 00:19:47,937
Come on, whip it out.
393
00:19:48,005 --> 00:19:49,905
Just whip it out.
394
00:20:16,733 --> 00:20:19,668
( Louie ) If nobody ever told
me not to ( bleep ) animals...
395
00:20:22,137 --> 00:20:24,872
If no one...
396
00:20:24,939 --> 00:20:28,909
If no one ever said, "You should
not have sex with animals,"
397
00:20:28,976 --> 00:20:32,345
I would totally have sex
with animals all of the time.
398
00:20:34,848 --> 00:20:37,583
The only reason I don't have sex
with animals
399
00:20:37,651 --> 00:20:41,053
is 'cause I'm not supposed to
and somebody told it to me.
400
00:20:45,794 --> 00:20:49,163
I would totally have sex
with most monkeys, probably.
401
00:20:52,901 --> 00:20:55,336
Why not?
402
00:20:55,404 --> 00:20:57,138
No, you know what,
I wouldn't, for one reason.
403
00:20:57,206 --> 00:20:59,274
'Cause I think it would
be rape.
404
00:20:59,342 --> 00:21:03,842
I don't think any animal is
attracted to any human being.
405
00:21:03,909 --> 00:21:06,608
I don't think it's morally
wrong, I really don't,
406
00:21:06,676 --> 00:21:08,910
except for that I don't
think the animal's into it.
407
00:21:08,977 --> 00:21:12,244
If you can get an animal horny,
go ahead, man.
408
00:21:12,312 --> 00:21:14,311
Go ahead and (beep ) it.
409
00:21:14,378 --> 00:21:16,444
If you can--
410
00:21:16,511 --> 00:21:18,377
If you can finger a monkey
and the monkey's like,
411
00:21:18,445 --> 00:21:21,113
"Ooh..."
412
00:21:26,184 --> 00:21:29,051
Get in there, man,
you earned it.
413
00:21:29,119 --> 00:21:31,386
You earned it.
414
00:21:31,453 --> 00:21:33,520
I really think
if there was--
415
00:21:33,621 --> 00:21:35,522
If I was alone on the Earth,
416
00:21:35,589 --> 00:21:37,957
if I found myself alone on
planet Earth,
417
00:21:38,024 --> 00:21:39,657
no other humans,
418
00:21:39,725 --> 00:21:41,893
I would have sex with a monkey
in, like, two minutes.
419
00:21:44,963 --> 00:21:46,630
Two minutes.
420
00:21:46,697 --> 00:21:49,098
That's really not long enough
to be sure you're alone
421
00:21:49,166 --> 00:21:50,966
on the Earth, even.
422
00:21:51,034 --> 00:21:53,735
That's-- that's,
like, getting a little--
423
00:21:53,803 --> 00:21:56,371
I walk outside, it's-- there's
not much traffic.
424
00:21:56,438 --> 00:21:58,372
"Oh, my God, it's just me!
425
00:21:58,440 --> 00:22:00,908
"I'm gonna have sex
with a monkey right now.
426
00:22:00,975 --> 00:22:02,743
Oh, no, that's a person."
427
00:22:10,007 --> 00:22:11,874
Is it bad to brush your teeth
after you suck a guy's dick?
428
00:22:11,942 --> 00:22:13,308
Because then it causes blood
429
00:22:13,376 --> 00:22:15,143
and you can actually
catch AIDS that way?
430
00:22:15,211 --> 00:22:16,678
Is it better just
to not do anything?
431
00:22:16,746 --> 00:22:18,413
That's actually
a legitimate question.
432
00:22:18,480 --> 00:22:20,147
( man ) That is legitimate, I
know it's a good question.
433
00:22:20,215 --> 00:22:21,648
( Nick ) I want to know why
you're bringing it up here!
434
00:22:21,716 --> 00:22:23,249
Because the pulp
from your teeth--
435
00:22:23,317 --> 00:22:24,983
What are you doing that you
gotta ask that?
436
00:22:25,051 --> 00:22:26,618
You guys think
it might be funny,
437
00:22:26,686 --> 00:22:28,186
but I think about that
all the time.
438
00:22:28,220 --> 00:22:30,521
What are you-- is there
cock meat all over your mirror
439
00:22:30,589 --> 00:22:32,056
in the bathroom after
you floss?
440
00:22:32,124 --> 00:22:34,024
No, I have a good imagination.
441
00:22:38,195 --> 00:22:39,762
I can visualize it.
442
00:22:39,830 --> 00:22:41,864
I don't need the meat to
actually be on the Mir
443
00:22:43,199 --> 00:22:45,267
I mean, it...
444
00:22:45,335 --> 00:22:47,635
I thought you meant cock meat
'cause you're flossing your--
445
00:22:47,703 --> 00:22:50,137
That's what I meant,
that's what I mean!
446
00:22:50,205 --> 00:23:00,404
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447
00:23:00,454 --> 00:23:05,004
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