All language subtitles for Loaded s01e03 Joshs Mum and Dad.eng

Hey, Casey will be with you
in a moment, she's just...

I'd just rather not
say what she's doing.

Thanks for coming. New game.

- Pitch me, go.
- OK, well,

we had something in
the vault, an old idea.

Yeah, it's one we're
really excited about it.

It is a game we've
always wanted to make.

It's a racing game, set
inside the human body.

- Cavity Racers. Or an enzyme.
- You're a blood cell...

And you're racing along the arteries,

or the main pulmonary highways,
and then you get into the cavities.

Would you race to the bladder?

Oh, great idea. Could
be an expansion pack.

- Bladders full of piss?
- It is a bit grim.

Give me a chance to try

out my real-time 3D
fluid and particle rendering.

You've got a new physics engine
that renders realistic piss?

- I really do, yes.
- Big picture

it's a satirical intravenous

cart-style racing game
about body fascism.

For kids of all ages.

Wow, guys. I mean, that is a great idea.

And it sounds really commercial.

ALL: Uh-huh.

How's it going, my whole
British sarcasm thing?

Yes, you are really
getting the hang of it.

Thanks, Watto, I really appreciate that.

I don't really, I was doing it again.

Anyway, we just got back
The Cap Factory projections

from the third and fourth quarters,

and like my best friend
from high school,

Tania Devon, they are not pretty.

So. We're going to be
making some cutbacks.

- Like how?
- We're going to be looking

at efficiencies, doing
a full personnel audit,

finding out what everyone
in the company does.

That's a good idea because
there's one bloke, Tiny Barney,

- I have no idea what he does.
- Who's Tiny Barney?

Including you guys.

Us? We have to do it, too?

You mean we've got to
reapply for our own jobs?

Naomi will walk you through
it. It is a form you fill out.

Really. It's just admin.

OK, I've got somewhere to be.

No idea where. Naomi!

"It's just admin, really.
It's just admin."

Said Chairman Mao as he
released the great famine.

- Synced and corrected by medvidecek007 -
- www.addic7ed.com -

Now, I'm quite excited about this
because I love asking questions,

so if there's anything that
crosses the line, just say.

Sorry, a bit anxious, look

- at the state of those nails.
- Job title?

Officially, I am the code
wrangling monkey boy.

I've got it on my card, actually.

Leon had these printed
up for a bit of a joke.

First question, Leon, nice
and easy, what do you do?

- How do you mean?
- Obviously, I know what you do.

It is obvious, but if
it was not obvious,

- what would you say it is?
- Bus Dev.

Business development, more crucially

had a vision.

I'm the big picture
guy, Josh is details.

Lost in the desert, I am like,

'Let's drill for oil, make $1 billion.'

And Josh is like, 'Guys,
there's sand in the picnic.'

Lead designer, ideas
man, head of creative.

I'm the guy who keeps the train
on the tracks. Without me,

the wheels would fall off, and
Watto sets his beard on fire.

Both of which are examples of
things that have actually happened.

Artist in resident/office
weirdo/human totem.

I'm the spirit of the place.

- Keeper of the flame.
- But you do coding

- also? The old ones and zeros.
- I don't need to, not my thing.

It's like, is Captain Birdseye
an actual sailor? I don't know,

but he makes great fucking fish fingers.

So you come up with the ideas?

No, Josh is ideas, but
that's the easy hit.

How would you summarise your
position within the company?

I'm the brains.

- I'm the brains.
- And if Leon answers otherwise,

- he's a liar.
- He said you are the details guy,

and then something
confusing about picnics.

He said that?

- Josh says that he's the brains.
- Fine, I'm the face.

Obviously, the brain controls the face.

No, no, not to this face, this face
is disconnected from the brain,

this face does not always do
what the brain tells it to.

Like you have Bell's
palsy? Like my Nan,

- with the eyelid, ugh.
- I mean, kind of.

I'm the back. Not the backbone,

I'm just the flesh on the back.

Can't see me from the
front, but I'm always there,

just a giant dependable mound of...

of back flesh.

It's more of a floating role, really.

I'm less of an employee and more

like a gas that permeates the space,

like radiation. I definitely

do something that you
can't see what it is that I do.

Except, I don't give people
cancer. I don't do that.

Business development. I
develop the business.

Ding, ding, ding! Sorry, but
that's all we've got time for,

thanks so much for playing, Leon.

No, but seriously, thanks.

I also do this.

Aw.

- You can keep that if you like.
- Thanks.

And I really love what
you've done to the office.

Last one, bit of fun, favourite
wizard in literature?

Ponder Stibbons from the
Discworld universe.

Sorry, who?

Ponder Stibbons from the
Discworld universe.

I'm sorry, why would
you need to know that?

Don't worry, I'll just put Gandalf.

No, don't put that, it's too obvious.

Give me a minute.

- Sorry, I have other people coming in.
- Just give me a second.

Prospero.

- [PHONE RINGS]
- Yeah,

- put that.
- Yep.

Hi, Dad. How's the...?

Wait, what? What do you mean?

That was my dad on the phone,

they are back from holiday
two months early.

What, that boring holiday that you
bought them as a passive aggressive

fuck you for taking you to
Disneyland too many times?

Wow, I wonder why.

I ought to go and see them.

Watto, you got some packages.
I left them on your desk.

Right. Yeah, good, thanks.

[MUSIC: Broken Racehorse
by The Blind Snake]

Oh, sweet horny hell, that's good.

Watto?

[HE CLEARS HIS THROAT]

Yes, Ewan?

You OK in there, Matey?

Uh... Yes, thanks, I'm fine, Matey.

Do I need to go and fetch Josh and Leon?

What's in the box there, mate?

Are we talking pharmaceuticals, or...?

- Toby jugs.
- Toby...?

Just Toby jugs.

Ah, interesting. And
can I see them or...?

Recently, I have become
quite an avid collector

of Toby jugs.

Didn't have you pegged as
a Toby mugs kind of guy.

This is a fucking lovely
piece right here.

Wow, he's a biggie, isn't he?

I just like the smell of them, you know.

Sure, I know.

I know. Don't need to be
worried about this, mate.

- It's harmless, Ewan.
- Right.

I'm not doing anything I shouldn't be.

So, I have been going through

Naomi's fact-finding report
re-efficiencies... Where's Josh?

Oh, he just had to pop out.

Why is there so much
popping out in this office?

You know what's going to pop out
pretty soon? My semi-automatic,

and I'm going to shoot
the next motherfucker

- who pops out during office hours.
- Note to self, cancel podiatrist.

I'm joking.

OK, so, energy bills are huge,

you're paying way over
for your server hire.

And why is there always music
playing in the bathroom?

It's crazy making. Are
you aware of how many

different teas you are
providing for your staff?

- 13, one more than Google.
- 14, we just added Assam.

14, two more than Google.

Great, that is really
impressive. Well done.

Not really, I'm doing it again.

Watto, cut the teas, you're
not a 14-tea organisation.

Ewan, I need you to
lose three from coding.

- What, sorry?
- There's a duplication of roles.

We have coding guys in LA you can use,

so I need you to fire three people.

Redundancies, you think you
can handle that for me?

Absolutely not, categorically no way.

Great, Naomi get him the names.

Leon, some confusion over
what it is you do exactly.

What? How do you mean?

- I made this place.
- Now, we understand what you did

you raised the money,
you made the sale happen

but what do you do now?
What do you do now?

Like, what's the last thing
you actually did? Like, now.

Like, tell me now. Like,
tell me right now.

- I fixed a...
- Paper jam.

- Don't say paper jam.
- A paper jam.

Don't say paper jam.

Casey...

Casey...

Casey, this is me.

No disrespect, they're the
worker bees, that lot out there,

I am the Emperor bee.

I don't think there is such thing
as an Emperor bee, though.

I can't believe this,
Casey, I am basically you.

It's fine, Leon. It's fine, really,

we just need to find you a new role.

OK, so teas, firing, Leon,
good. We are all done.

Excellent. Thank you guys
so much for your time,

I really appreciate it.

I don't! I don't, I was doing it again.

So, you just bailed on
your holiday, did you?

What, too much culture for you?

Couldn't wait to come back home and
watch Doc Martin and eat crumpets?

- No, we had a good time.
- I had arranged

a very special dispensation for you both

to visit the site of the Hanging
Gardens of Babylon in Iraq.

But maybe we'll just
cancel that, shall we?

Maybe go to the garden
centre, eat a ploughman's?

- Where's Mum?
- In the caravan.

- Why is she in the caravan?
- Ask her.

[KNOCKING]

Mum?

Hey, darling.

- Why are you in the caravan?
- It doesn't clean itself, does it?

- What's up with your...?
- What?

- Let me see her teeth.
- What?

- Show me your teeth. Show me.
- No need to see my teeth.

- Nothing.
- Show me, Mother.

Holy shit.

- What have you done?
- Oh, there's a place in Prague.

Right, so you thought you'd get
yourself some new teeth, did you?

- A pair of massive gnashers.
- With the money Leon gave me.

Did you have anything else done?

Oh, my God.

Have you got a new pair of boobies?

Jesus Christ, Josh! No, there's
nothing else. All right?

- There's just, you know, that, so...
- What?

- Just, you know, a little...
- What?

Nothing, just...

- Just that.
- A tattoo?!

Beats for breakfast, bass for tea.

- What does that even mean?
- You know, have fun.

This isn't about mildew, is it, Mum?

I'm a grown-up.

Whatever it is, I can take it.

I want some space, Josh. I need

some space away from your
dad. The travel, the trip

you gave us, it... it
really awakened me.

I'm having a wobble, Josh.

Thank you for your
honesty, I appreciate it.

Right.

[HE RETCHES]

I can't fight people. I'm a coward.

Confrontation's basically my kryptonite.

Along with pastry, lactose and brains.

I'm stressing about these teas.
I've got to lose seven teas.

Hold on. I'm not a coder.

I'm a visionary. You don't hire
Monet to creosote your decking.

Seriously, fuck this new regime.
It's like that thing, you know,

the lunatics have taken over the asylum.

Only the other way round, the
authorities have taken back,

regained control of the asylum.

- Here you are. OK.
- Oh, here he is.

Something's happened. Something
bad with my mum and dad.

- Like what? What do you mean?
- Well, she's basically

living in the caravan
with massive teeth,

which she bought with the money
you gave her, so thanks for that.

No, not Jeff and Linda, surely?

- They're Fred and Wilma.
- What about Monday night roast?

Are we still going to be able
to go for Monday night roast?

- What's going on?
- I don't know, Leon.

OK, eyelid. I don't expect
any of you to see this, but

my eyelid is now going
twitch, twitch, twitch.

- There it goes again.
- So, what are they saying, Josh?

She said she's having a wobble.

- She said she wants some space.
- It could be an affair.

Second family.

- What, like in a cellar?
- We haven't got a cellar.

Garage, loft?

Is your dad OK? You don't
think he had, you know...

Jesus Christ!

How about a bit of sensitivity, guys?

- A bit of mindfulness.
- Apologies, Josh,

for not being more mindful.

This is all my fault. I should have
just paid off the bloody mortgage.

How I going to make this better Leon?

Josh, this is what I do.

I use my mouth and I get people talking.

I make things happen. I'll talk
to your mum and I'll fix this.

What are you doing?

Showing you that I care.

[INAUDIBLE]

_

Paula, Paula!

- Hi!
- Hello. Can I have a quick word?

- Yeah.
- Inside the office.

Is everything OK?

Fabulous. Listen...

... I've been thinking and,

various reasons, throughout the company,

I've had to have a long think.

- You OK?
- I'd like to give you a bonus.

- Another one. Yes.
- Yes!

- I'd love a bonus.
- Me, too.

- Me, too.
- Yes.

Amazing.

The thing is, it would be
kind of a redundancy bonus.

Because we've actually
kind of spent the last

one, we put it towards
a new flat, because...

- Good for you.
- Urn, we need an extra bedroom.

Because...

Ah, Christ!

- Cos of a baby.
- A baby.

- Congratulations.
- Thank you so much.

- No, it's wonderful.
- Thank you.

It's wonderful.

I'm pretty sure it was the
day you gave us the first

- bonus.
- Was it really?

I took Mark out for dinner
to celebrate and then...

Next thing you know, buff.

- There you go.
- Bish, bash, bosh!

I know what happens.

- Yeah.
- That feels sick.

- Just... Happiness.
- Sure, yeah.

Cos Casey said that there
are guys in LA who...

- Doesn't matter.
- So, another bonus!

What's it for? Because I'm Paula.

Just general bonus attitude.

- Bonus. OK.
- Amazing.

- Great. Thank you.
- Lovely.

There you go. That's fabulous.

5K to Gryffindor.

She's delighted.

Fucking hell.

[TV ON]

You seen my SNES? We're
designing a racing game.

- I wanted to play Mario Kart.
- Ask your mother.

Mum, have you seen my Super Nintendo?

- I think we threw it away.
- Of course we did.

It's only my whole entire childhood.

Why wouldn't we?

Do you know what, Dad?

I feel really bad, like
somehow this is all my fault.

I feel so guilty.

It's like my act of generosity has
basically wrecked your marriage.

I don't know. I just can't
help but blame myself.

Dad, Dad?

Yeah, it does look a bit
like that, doesn't it?

- What do you mean?
- Well,

we never had this problem when
we went to Disney World, did we?

We just went on the Dumbo
ride and came home again.

Right, so you think
it's my fault, do you?

- It's someone's fault. My fault?
- Maybe it's your fault, Dad?

- Maybe you're boring.
- Your holiday was fucking boring, son.

Minsk Botanical Gardens?

Disney World, we never
had to talk to each other.

- [DOOR BELL RINGS]
- That's what made it so great.

I heard. Your mum texted my mum.

Didn't know the mums were still talking.

- Brought gin?
- Don't want to give my dad gin.

- He's depressed enough as it is.
- It's not for your dad, Josh.

Spent a lot of time in this caravan.

- Played a lot of games.
- Burned a lot of holes in the carpet.

I don't mean to shock you, Linda,

but our weed intake back
then was pretty high.

This caravan was
basically a mobile bong.

And I know it gets pretty cold out

there at night, and just in there...

Big old, lovely Jeff. And you know Josh

- is worried about you.
- Josh worries too much.

He's a millionaire. Should be living.

Yeah, I tell him that that all the time.

But Jeff, right, let me give
you the hard sell on Jeff.

The three USPS of Jeffrey Connors.

One, he's funny.

You remember when those
trousers fell down in Brighton?

That was, that was gold.

Two, durability.

He's never not been there
for me, for any of us.

He came and got me from the
police station that one time.

Three, he's a sweetheart.

All right, he might not
know how to always show it.

He's not exactly Captain
Cuddles, but he loves us.

- You know he does.
- I don't know, Leon.

I... I just feel like,

what if there's more out there than

doing jigsaw puzzles of Westie dogs

- and a pair of leggings.
- Linda, listen to me.

As your surrogate second
son, I've seen the lifestyle.

It's not as good as you think.

Nothing is better than Jeff. Trust me.

Apart from maybe my helicopter.

You've got a helicopter?

- It's amazing.
- Where would you rather be?

Up here, or down there, curled up in
front of Countryfile with lovely,

- lovely Jeff?
- Oh, sorry, darling.

I wasn't listening. It's amazing.

Linda, it's hollow.

Trust me, the novelty
wears off really quick.

Does it, though?

OK, no. It's basically
brilliant all the time.

Look how high we are!

Oh, my God! Leon, Leon.

I'll tell you what else I've
always really wanted to do.

- No, no, no. That's a bad idea.
- Oh, please, Leon.

I just need to get it out of my system.

Do you promise you'll go back
to Jeff if I buy you cocaine?

Leon, I totally, totally promise.

Boom, nailed. Take us to Colombia!

Let's go the whole hog. Let's
cut camomile and fennel.

Basically, cut all the Twinings.
Is that what you want, Ewan?

I don't thump people very often but
I will thump you upside the head.

Maybe we should just cut peppermint.

Are you kidding me right now?

You know that's my only
IBS-friendly hot drink option.

You cut peppermint and I will literally

shit in my pants every day for ever.

God. It's so hard.

This is just like Sophie's Choice,
only if Sophie had had 14 kids.

I'm sorry. I think I'm letting
it all get on top of me.

Do you think I've got to fire
these people personally?

Can't I just send him one of
those bomb disposal robots,

with a note saying, sorry,
and some Ferrero Rocher?

- [DOORBELL RINGS]
- I'll get that.

Thinking about getting a
mediator for Mum and Dad.

Either...

The guy who settled
Apple versus Samsung...

... or

this is a potentially stupid idea

- ... Blair.
- Tony?

You can get him for like half an hour.

It's like ?100,000.

You want to get Tony Blair to
keep your parents together?

It's ridiculous.

But worth a try?

Josh, I think maybe you just
need to leave them to it.

Sometimes things don't work
out like you think they will.

Like me and you?

Or me and Greg.

- I know you hate him, Josh.
- Hate is a very strong word, Abbey.

But in this case, it's
entirely acceptable.

I mean, piddle puddle puddle...

Weird being back in here.

Mm.

You know, we never finished
coding Vagina Miner.

- That video game we started.
- Abbey, I remember Vagina Miner.

Essentially, Manic Miner, but
set inside the Queen's vagina.

Maybe we should...

... try and finish it again sometime.

Don't know.

Only if you wanted to.

I've got a build of it in
an old laptop somewhere.

- I'd like to see that build.
- I'd like to show you that build.

All right.

- [TAPPING]
- Open!

Open!

- Is that peaches?
- If it's a small tin,

it could be tuna, it could
be salmon. Probably salmon.

- It's only a tin of salmon! Just open!
- Yeah, it's salmon.

And why is he hitting the can
of salmon with a hammer?

Oh, God.

It's quite simple, isn't it?

All you need to do is open up...

Tin of salmon. The electric
tin opener won't work.

Dad, don't worry about it.
We'll get a new one.

Do you think she's ready
to come back in the house?

It's going to be OK, Dad.

Leon's talking to her, all right?
Everything's going to be fine.

Oh!

Look at me. I'm the MILF of Wall Street.

I needed this, Leon.

Jeff doesn't get it.

He's boring. He never wants
to do anything, ever.

I mean, that's why we fell out.

Inverness, yeah? Stayed in the room.

Stayed in his room in
Venice, playing Sudoku.

- What's that about?
- You're definitely going back to him?

- Definitely. Definitely do that, yeah.
- Boom. Sorted, see?

Casey thinks I don't do
anything. This is what I do.

I find unconventional solutions
to unconventional problems.

- That is what you do, Leon.
- That is exactly.

They think I can't develop the business?

I'm not businessly-minded?

- I am businessly-minded.
- So businessly-minded.

- I'm so businessly-minded.
- So businessly-minded.

I am so businessly-minded, it hurts.

Is businessly definitely a word?

I don't know.

- Is businessly a word?
- It isn't a word. No.

I should stop using it,
because I am a businessman.

I am going to sit up all night and
write a massive business plan and

then we'll see who the
big businessman is.

[THEY SNIFF]

[HE LAUGHS]

- Linda, come here.
- Why, what's going on?

[HE SNIFFS]

[MUSIC: Gonna Make My
Own Money by Deap Vally]

[MUSIC STOPS]

- I've written a business plan.
- Right.

The next 30 years of Idyl
Hands, totally mapped out,

- Chinese expansion, brethren.
- 30-year business plan.

- So who you sending it to?
- Everyone.

Casey, you, Branson.

Musk. All those pricks at Google.

- What about my mum?
- Yeah, she's got a copy.

No! With my dad.

Oh, er, yeah, yeah. That's sorted.

She's going back to him.

Oh, man. That's huge.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was
nothing. It's what I do.

OK, so I've set up a shell
company, Field Mouse Media.

I'm not going to fire anyone.
I'm going to offer them all jobs.

- Where?
- At my fake company.

Field Mouse Media.

Doing what?

Making fake games.

I don't think that's going
to work out, you know?

Are you all right, mate?

Yes, thanks.

- What are you up to, man?
- You know, this and that.

Right, there's a bear, yeah?
Everyone sees the bear.

Oh, it was a bargain all right.

Yep, this was a very, very
wise investment indeed.

You've certainly moved on from
the Toby jugs there, mate.

Anyway...

- We should give you a hand.
- No, no.

It's fine, it's fine. Don't go in there.

That's my bedroom. Don't go in.

Crikey!

Hello, everyone.

How does a man find sleep in here?

That's quite the inventory, Walter.

Yeah, well, you need three
of everything, don't you?

One to use, one to keep,
one to trade as basics.

And would you say you're addicted, mate?

No, Josh. I wouldn't. It's harmless.

It's just you've been acting
a bit shady, you know?

- Old habits.
- Yeah, I found a pottery

Winston Churchill in the toilet
cistern. I thought it was a bit weird.

I don't tell you lot
what you can and can't

spend your money on, do I?

I didn't stop you from getting that
investment linked annuity, did I?

I wish you had, to be
honest. It's been a total...

And Leon, helicopter and Ferrari?

What, am I not allowed to buy a
couple of mugs and a big brown bear?

Yeah, all right. Fair point.
We're just trying to

- look out for you man, that's all.
- Well, you know what?

Leave me alone. Seriously.

Get out.

Go on. Just leave me alone.

Get out. Go on, all three of you.

Get out.

Judging me.

Judging me and my stuff.

Unbelievable!

Mum.

Oh, what time is it?

Reconciliation time, Mum.

No, Josh, I've been thinking...

OK, let's not dwell on that now.

Let's go inside the house, Dad's
bought some Tunnock's Teacakes.

Cos I was over the city last
night, in Leon's helicopter.

And I looked down and I
thought, yeah, Josh is right.

- The world is a big place.
- You went in a helicopter?

I was opening a tin of
salmon with a hammer.

Mum, Mother, what's this, Mother?
Here? What's that, there?

Please? What's this
here, Mother, please?

Oh, let's just stay calm, all right?

Let's all just stay calm, shall we?

Oh, my God! You're a fucking cokehead!

Did Leon do this? Did he spike you?

Bloody hell, Linda.
Coke and helicopters?

All of a sudden, it's like I'm
married to fucking Van Halen.

- It's not a wobble, OK?
- OK, OK, OK.

Just an indiscretion.

- Just a one off.
- No, Josh, no, it's more than that.

I think maybe I've started to
figure out who I really am.

Yeah, new Linda, with your stupid
horse teeth and your shit tattoo.

- See?
- You're not helping, Dad.

I've been thinking about doing
the album of jazz standards.

Oh, no. Not the album.

Mum, I know that it must seem like

life's really exciting right
now. But it isn't, not for you

because you've had your
life, really, haven't you?

It's actually quite selfish to
start thinking about yourself.

In...

Really...

I want a divorce.

Where's Leon? I'm going to kill him.

Oh, hey, Leon. I'm just
reading your business plan.

Oh, yeah? How is it?

Well, I'm on page 320, so
only about half way through.

But, yeah, it's interesting.

Big fonts. Lots of caps.

Yeah, obviously it
needs a bit of an edit.

I don't think I've ever
seen a business plan

- with so many emoticons.
- Emoticon? Really?

Wow. You can't read that many, then.

So, I'm just printing
out a copy for Casey

and I'm sure this is intentional,

but there's quite a lot
of photos of your face.

Actually, it's just the
same photo, just 40 times.

That was...

Just for a bit of context, really.

- You can bin them. Bin them.
- Will do, thanks.

I'll pass it along.

Finally!

OK, I'm only going to say this once.

Did you give my mum cocaine and
take her up on a helicopter?

Josh, who cares how I did
it? The point is it worked.

Except I didn't, though,
did it? Because now

- she's asking for a divorce.
- What!?

- She promised.
- That's weird isn't it?

Someone made a promise while they
were high and didn't keep it.

Like the time we got stoned
and said we were going to

- open a fucking bakery.
- I still think it's an option.

I think she's just going
through a difficult time.

So, you're on her side, are you?

It's not about sides, mate. They're
my mum and dad too, you know that.

They're all of our mum and dad, really.

Because you have to think about
her, too, Josh, not just yourself.

She really wants to make that album.

Jesus, Leon! You can't
do anything, can you?

You're so fucking useless.

Anyway, I should go.

Mate, I...

- It's Ewan.
- Why are they still not fired, Ewan?

Do it now, or I unleash
the fires of hell.

Don't look at me.

I need a favour, Naomi.

Bad.

Hi, Mum.

I've got a proposition for you.

It's about the album.

Greetings!

- Hello, everybody.
- OK, you're on your own.

- Thank you, Naomi.
- What is this?

I'm sorry I can't be
there. I had to nip out.

I'm currently working in
an off-site capacity.

Thing is,

things change, don't they?

Seasons, train timetables,

the terms and conditions
of the iTunes Store.

But change can sometimes
be a good thing.

Hang on, are you firing us?

No!

No...

No, but if I were,

I'd be offering a very
generous remuneration package.

- Are you in the toilet?
- What!? No!

No, I'm in a digital rendering facility,

- somewhere in Dulwich.
- Oh.

Paula? Paula! Paula!

I'm sorry!

Ewan, I know you're in there.

Come out here and fire
me like a real man.

Ewan!

This is not how you treat people, Ewan.

I thought Leon was bad!

So, we thrashed it out.

And, basically... Mum?

I'd like to move back in.

Well, I'm not sure if I want you to.

Mum?

I'd really like to give it another go.

Great! Let's eat.

I got lunch: catered, natch.

Oh, my God, it's the Monday night roast!

Bit heavy for 11am, but who cares?

Not me. Dig in, guys.

Dig in.

Dad.

Mum.

Mmm.

Mmm-mm!

I bet you missed this on
your travels, didn't you?

Do you know what? I can't do this.

I'm sorry, Josh, you
can keep your money,

- but I just can't.
- You paid her to come round?

Look, can we just be
adults about this, please?

Because everybody knows you need an

inducement to enter into a relationship,

whether it's sexual, or emotional,

or a cash lump sum. No, didn't pay her.

- I just said I'd help fund the album.
- Oh, not the album.

Maybe get the sound engineer
that worked with Il Divo.

Look,

I realise I can't stay with you

just because I can't cook
my own sodding dinner.

It's over, Josh.

And it's going to be OK.

Honestly, this is the
best thing for all of us.

Look, it's not your fault, Josh.

Probably just going to
go to my room for a bit.

Everyone! I've got
something I need to say.

I'm addicted to stuff.

That's the truth. Josh was right.

It's nonsense, I'm just
addicted to stuff.

But we all are. We're slaves to it.

We're spoiled. We're all
just a of spoiled cunts.

And not just me, but everybody.

We go out for lunch

with our spelt flour wraps and
our buttermilk fried chicken.

We lose our shit the minute
they run out of harissa.

Since when has that been
a reasonable reaction

to the lack of a fairly niche condiment?

Now, apparently the suits

want us to cut back on
the number of free teas

that we provide in that kitchen.

They want me to cut 7 out of 14 teas.

Well, I'm not going to be
cutting seven teas today.

Or eight, or nine, or ten.

We are going to be bringing it back,

we are going to bring it
back down to one tea.

Let us all drink the same
slightly disappointing brew.

For that is the British way!

Now, give me my English

breakfast or give me death!

I fired them.

- It was horrible.
- Oh, mate.

Also,

inspirational as that was,

you just cut the one hot drink
that doesn't make my tummy ache.

Ta.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Hey, man.

Your mum called.

I brought you this.

The SNES.

Sorry for fucking up your mum.

It's OK.

I think she was pretty
fucked up already.

- I can't believe it, man.
- I know, man.

This is a lot slower than I remember.

Is nothing from my childhood sacred?

I got this.

What for?

I just thought I should probably
figure it out, make myself useful.

You're not a coder, man.

- It's not what you do.
- What do I do, Josh?

Because I re-read the business
plan and it's bullshit.

Some of it was written
in Wingdings, Josh.

Wingdings!

OK.

Ewan's the little turtle
cos he's fast and bright,

but he doesn't have any clout.

Watto's the mushroom because
he does a lot of mushrooms.

I'm the track cos I keep
everything together.

You know what you are, man?

You're the power-ups.

You're the things that
make it go quicker

and knock people out of the way.

If it wasn't for you, I'd still
be right here in this bedroom,

broke and normal.

- I'm the power-ups?
- Yeah.

You know something else?

Right now, after
everything that's happened,

you're the most stable thing in my life.

- Thanks, man.
- No problem.

I'm the power-ups.

Right, let's go down the office.

I want to speak to Casey.

Actually, do you know
what? I'll see you there.

I just need to pop out for a bit.

Vagina Miner.

I thought we could pick
it up where we left off.

Oh! Hey, Leon. Just reading
your business plan.

You know, I haven't
done blow since 1989.

- Makes me miss it.
- We're not firing anyone.

Oh, yeah. We've already
made some reductions.

- Painful, but necessary.
- You bought this,

us, and I know you might be thinking,

"What the fuck have I bought?" I
mean, you might not be, but...

OK, apparently you are.
But the fact is, it worked.

We worked. Forget the
projections, forget the burn rate,

don't look down at the piece of paper.

Look up at the next thing.
Ten years, I've never known

if we're going to keep the lights on
in this place. But check this out.

The point is, we shouldn't
be firing good people.

We should be keeping them and

backing ourselves to grow
this place, hire more people.

Expand the office. Fuck
it, let's go 20 teas.

Let's tea-bag Google right here.

Bollocks.

That's what you are, Leon.

You're the bollocks of this place.

Man, it's fun to say bollocks.

That's, like, the one
benefit of working here.

I knew it!

I knew you had it in you.

I just had to see it for myself.

Well, I...

I just prefer to be like a
quiet figure of authority.

Keep your staff, hire them back.

This new game, I want
you to head that one up.

- No, Josh is lead designer.
- He answers to you on this one.

Don't let him get tangled
up in the weeds, hm?

All right, yeah.

Good job, Leon.

I mean that.

No sarcasm.

Man, I am really getting good at that.

So, me and Abi are going
to give it another go.

Oh, yeah? Congratulations, man.

- No, I'm happy for you.
- Thanks, man.

- I really appreciate that.
- Right, here we go.

Monday night roast is served.

Thank you, this looks amazing.

No it doesn't, it looks
abject and repellent.

But I'll keep trying.

The good news, you
don't have to fire anyone,

- they can all have their jobs back.
- Great!

So, the people I just fired, they'll
be back at work, will they?

- Yes.
- Next to me?

- Yeah.
- Sat next to the people I just fired?

Everyone's a winner

with the obvious exception.

[CRASHING AND SCREAMING]

It's all right, I'm OK.

Office dildo.

Don't mind if I do.

OK. Nobody panic,

but I think I might be
addicted to smashing things.

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