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1
00:03:01,600 --> 00:03:04,728
I'm going for a cup of
tea. Do you want one?
2
00:03:06,138 --> 00:03:09,574
- Do you want a cup of tea, Withnail?
- No.
3
00:03:58,857 --> 00:04:01,724
Thirteen million Londoners
have to wake up to this.
4
00:04:01,827 --> 00:04:04,728
The murder and all-bran and rape?
5
00:04:04,830 --> 00:04:08,322
And I'm sitting in this bloody
shack, and I can't cope with Withnail.
6
00:04:08,433 --> 00:04:10,492
I must be out of my mind.
7
00:04:10,602 --> 00:04:13,662
I must go home at once and
discuss his problems in depth.
8
00:04:16,475 --> 00:04:19,137
I have some extremely distressing news.
9
00:04:19,244 --> 00:04:22,236
I don't want to hear it. I
don't want to hear anything.
10
00:04:23,849 --> 00:04:27,444
My God, it's a nightmare, let
me tell you. It's a nightmare.
11
00:04:27,552 --> 00:04:30,544
We've just run out of wine.
What are we gonna do about it?
12
00:04:30,655 --> 00:04:33,146
I don't know. I don't know.
13
00:04:33,258 --> 00:04:36,284
Oh, God! I don't feel good.
14
00:04:36,395 --> 00:04:40,593
My thumbs have gone weird!
15
00:04:40,699 --> 00:04:43,964
I'm in the middle of a bloody overdose.
16
00:04:44,069 --> 00:04:47,038
Oh, God!
17
00:04:47,139 --> 00:04:50,199
My heart's beating like a fucked clock!
18
00:04:50,308 --> 00:04:52,742
I feel dreadful. I feel really dreadful.
19
00:04:52,844 --> 00:04:55,210
So do I. So does everybody.
20
00:04:55,313 --> 00:04:57,338
Look at my tongue.
21
00:04:57,449 --> 00:04:59,917
Gray yellow sock.
22
00:05:00,018 --> 00:05:02,748
Sit down, for Christ's sake.
What's the matter with you?
23
00:05:04,222 --> 00:05:06,884
Eat some sugar.
24
00:05:06,992 --> 00:05:10,359
Listen to this. "Curse of the supermen.
25
00:05:10,462 --> 00:05:14,262
"'I took drugs to win medal,'
says top athlete Jeff Wode.
26
00:05:14,366 --> 00:05:17,335
- Where's the coffee?
- "In a world exclusive interview,
27
00:05:17,436 --> 00:05:21,668
"33-year-old shot putter Jeff
Wode, who weighs 317 pounds,
28
00:05:21,773 --> 00:05:25,368
"admitted taking massive
doses of anabolic steroids,
29
00:05:25,477 --> 00:05:27,775
"drugs banned in sport.
30
00:05:27,879 --> 00:05:31,007
"'He used to get in bad
tempers,' says his wife.
31
00:05:31,116 --> 00:05:33,949
"'He used to pick on
me. But now he's stopped,
32
00:05:34,052 --> 00:05:37,351
he's much better in our sex
life and in our general life. "'
33
00:05:37,456 --> 00:05:42,257
Jesus Christ! This
huge, thatched head...
34
00:05:42,360 --> 00:05:46,922
with its earlobes and cannonball
is not considered sane.
35
00:05:47,032 --> 00:05:49,330
"Jeff Wode is feeling better...
36
00:05:49,434 --> 00:05:53,962
and is now prepared to step back into
society and start tossing his orb about. "
37
00:05:54,072 --> 00:05:56,438
Look at him! Look at Jeff Wode!
38
00:05:56,541 --> 00:05:59,476
His head must weigh
50 pounds on its own.
39
00:06:00,912 --> 00:06:03,506
Imagine the size of his balls.
40
00:06:04,983 --> 00:06:07,918
Imagine getting into a
fight with the fucker.
41
00:06:08,019 --> 00:06:09,953
Please, I don't feel good.
42
00:06:10,055 --> 00:06:14,048
That's what you'd say. But
that wouldn't wash with Jeff.
43
00:06:14,159 --> 00:06:18,186
No. He'd like a bit of
pleading. Adds spice to it.
44
00:06:18,296 --> 00:06:23,461
In fact, he'd probably tell you what
he was gonna do before he did it.
45
00:06:24,970 --> 00:06:27,336
"I'm gonna pull your head off. "
46
00:06:27,439 --> 00:06:30,101
"No, please don't pull my head off. "
47
00:06:30,208 --> 00:06:34,304
"I'm gonna pull your head off
because I don't like your head. "
48
00:06:38,416 --> 00:06:41,977
Have you got soup? Why
didn't I get any soup?
49
00:06:42,087 --> 00:06:44,055
Coffee.
50
00:06:44,155 --> 00:06:46,316
Why don't you use a cup
like any other human being?
51
00:06:46,424 --> 00:06:49,222
Why don't you wash up occasionally
like any other human being?
52
00:06:49,327 --> 00:06:53,093
How dare you! How dare you!
53
00:06:53,198 --> 00:06:55,666
How dare you call me inhumane!
54
00:06:55,767 --> 00:06:58,759
I didn't call you inhumane. You
merely imagined it. Calm down.
55
00:06:58,870 --> 00:07:01,703
Right, you fucker. I'm
gonna do the washing up.
56
00:07:01,806 --> 00:07:04,969
No, no, you can't. It's
impossible, I swear.
57
00:07:05,076 --> 00:07:07,806
I've looked into it.
Listen to me! Listen to me!
58
00:07:07,913 --> 00:07:10,746
There are things in there.
There's a tea bag growing.
59
00:07:10,849 --> 00:07:14,114
You haven't slept in 60 hours.
You're in no state to tackle it.
60
00:07:14,219 --> 00:07:16,687
Wait till the morning.
We'll go in together.
61
00:07:16,788 --> 00:07:19,416
This is the morning! Stand aside!
62
00:07:19,524 --> 00:07:23,483
You don't understand! I think there
may be something living in there.
63
00:07:23,595 --> 00:07:25,859
I think there may be something alive.
64
00:07:25,964 --> 00:07:28,728
- What do you mean? A rat?
- It's possible.
65
00:07:28,833 --> 00:07:31,893
Then the fucker will rue the day.
66
00:07:34,039 --> 00:07:38,476
Oh, Christ Almighty! A
sinew in nicotine base.
67
00:07:38,577 --> 00:07:42,035
Keep back, keep back. The
entire sink's gone rotten.
68
00:07:42,147 --> 00:07:44,047
I don't know what's in here.
69
00:07:44,149 --> 00:07:48,279
I told you, you've been bitten!
70
00:07:48,386 --> 00:07:51,116
Burnt! Burnt! The
fucking kettle's on fire!
71
00:07:51,222 --> 00:07:53,690
- There's something floating up.
- Fork it!
72
00:07:53,792 --> 00:07:57,284
- L-I-I don't... -
You must! You must!
73
00:07:57,395 --> 00:08:01,491
The poop will boil through the glaze. We'll
never be able to use our dinner service again.
74
00:08:01,600 --> 00:08:04,000
Here. Get it with the pliers.
75
00:08:04,102 --> 00:08:06,502
No, no. No, no. Give me the gloves.
76
00:08:06,605 --> 00:08:09,301
That's right. Put on the gloves.
77
00:08:09,407 --> 00:08:12,308
Don't attempt anything
without the gloves.
78
00:08:15,680 --> 00:08:18,581
- Ugh.
- What is it? What have you found?
79
00:08:18,683 --> 00:08:21,311
Matter.
80
00:08:21,419 --> 00:08:23,910
Matter? Where's it coming from?
81
00:08:24,022 --> 00:08:27,014
Don't look. I'm dealing with it.
82
00:08:29,094 --> 00:08:31,460
I think we've been in here too long.
83
00:08:31,563 --> 00:08:35,192
I feel unusual. I think
we should go outside.
84
00:08:40,271 --> 00:08:43,206
This is ridiculous. Look at me.
85
00:08:43,308 --> 00:08:46,800
I'm 30 in a month, and I've
got a sole flapping off my shoe.
86
00:08:46,911 --> 00:08:49,903
It will get better. It has to.
87
00:08:50,015 --> 00:08:52,950
Easy for you to say, lovey.
You've had an audition.
88
00:08:53,051 --> 00:08:55,519
Why can't I have an audition?
89
00:08:55,620 --> 00:09:00,319
It's ridiculous. I've been to
drama school. I'm good-looking.
90
00:09:00,425 --> 00:09:04,521
I tell you, I've a fuck sight more talent
than half the rubbish that gets on television.
91
00:09:04,629 --> 00:09:06,722
Why can't I get on television?
92
00:09:06,831 --> 00:09:09,061
I don't know. It'll happen.
93
00:09:09,167 --> 00:09:11,727
Will it? That's what you say.
94
00:09:11,836 --> 00:09:15,431
The only program I'm likely
to get on is the fucking news.
95
00:09:15,540 --> 00:09:18,008
I tell you, I can't
take much more of this.
96
00:09:18,109 --> 00:09:20,543
- I'm gonna crack.
- I'm in the same boat.
97
00:09:20,645 --> 00:09:22,545
Yeah, yeah.
98
00:09:22,647 --> 00:09:25,241
I feel as sick as a pike.
99
00:09:25,350 --> 00:09:27,477
I'm gonna have to sit down.
100
00:09:32,657 --> 00:09:35,751
You know what we should do?
101
00:09:35,860 --> 00:09:38,488
I say, you know what we should do?
102
00:09:38,596 --> 00:09:41,588
How can I possibly
know what we should do?
103
00:09:41,700 --> 00:09:45,227
- What should we do?
- Get out of it for a while.
104
00:09:45,336 --> 00:09:48,100
Get into the countryside, rejuvenate.
105
00:09:48,206 --> 00:09:52,233
Rejuvenate? I'm in a park,
and I'm practically dead.
106
00:09:52,343 --> 00:09:55,244
What good's the countryside?
107
00:09:55,346 --> 00:09:59,510
- What time is it?
- It's 8:00.
108
00:09:59,617 --> 00:10:04,020
Four hours till opening
time. God help us.
109
00:10:04,122 --> 00:10:06,522
Have we got any embrocation?
110
00:10:08,493 --> 00:10:10,961
- What for?
- To rub on us, you fool.
111
00:10:11,062 --> 00:10:14,156
We can cover ourselves in Deep Heat
and get up against the radiator,
112
00:10:14,265 --> 00:10:16,733
keep ourselves alive till 12:00.
113
00:10:18,536 --> 00:10:20,970
Jesus, look at that!
114
00:10:21,072 --> 00:10:23,870
Apart from a raw potato,
that's the only solid...
115
00:10:23,975 --> 00:10:27,103
to have passed my lips
in the last 60 hours.
116
00:10:27,212 --> 00:10:29,612
I must be ill.
117
00:10:31,883 --> 00:10:35,717
Even a stopped clock gives
the right time twice a day.
118
00:10:37,222 --> 00:10:41,181
And for once, I'm inclined to
believe that Withnail is right.
119
00:10:41,292 --> 00:10:45,729
We are, indeed, drifting
into the arena of the unwell,
120
00:10:47,565 --> 00:10:50,557
making an enemy of our own future.
121
00:10:50,668 --> 00:10:53,637
What we need is harmony,
122
00:10:53,738 --> 00:10:56,832
fresh air, stuff like that.
123
00:10:56,941 --> 00:11:00,433
Wasn't much in the tube.
Nothing left for you.
124
00:11:00,545 --> 00:11:03,844
Why don't you ask your
father for some money?
125
00:11:03,948 --> 00:11:06,917
If we had some money, we could go away.
126
00:11:07,018 --> 00:11:10,681
Why don't you ask your father?
How can it be so cold in here?
127
00:11:10,789 --> 00:11:13,121
Like Greenland in here.
128
00:11:14,893 --> 00:11:19,353
We've got to get some booze. It's the
only solution for this intense cold.
129
00:11:19,464 --> 00:11:23,560
Something's got to be done.
We can't go on like this!
130
00:11:23,668 --> 00:11:27,866
I'm a trained actor reduced
to the status of a bum!
131
00:11:27,972 --> 00:11:32,671
I mean, look at us! Nothing that reasonable
members of society demand as their rights!
132
00:11:32,777 --> 00:11:36,008
No fridges, no televisions, no phones!
133
00:11:36,114 --> 00:11:38,446
Much more of this, I'm gonna
apply for Meals On Wheels.
134
00:11:38,550 --> 00:11:42,452
- What happened to your cigar commercial?
- That's what I want to know.
135
00:11:42,554 --> 00:11:45,751
What happened to my agent?
Bastard must have died.
136
00:11:45,857 --> 00:11:47,757
September. Bad patch.
137
00:11:47,859 --> 00:11:50,987
Rubbish. I haven't seen
Gielgud down the Labor Exchange.
138
00:11:51,095 --> 00:11:52,995
Why doesn't he retire?
139
00:11:53,097 --> 00:11:55,998
Oh, look at this little bastard!
140
00:11:56,100 --> 00:11:59,433
"Boy lands plum role for
top Italian director. "
141
00:11:59,537 --> 00:12:03,598
'Course he does. Probably on a
tenner a day, and I know what for.
142
00:12:03,708 --> 00:12:07,542
Two pound ten a tit,
and a fiver for his arse.
143
00:12:10,248 --> 00:12:13,046
- Have you been at the controls?
- What are you talking about?
144
00:12:13,151 --> 00:12:15,813
The thermostats! What
have you done to them?
145
00:12:15,920 --> 00:12:19,083
- I haven't touched them.
- Then why has my head gone numb?
146
00:12:19,190 --> 00:12:21,681
I must have some booze.
147
00:12:21,793 --> 00:12:24,523
I demand to have some booze!
148
00:12:26,664 --> 00:12:29,394
- I wouldn't drink that if I was you.
- Why not?
149
00:12:29,500 --> 00:12:31,400
Because I don't advise it.
150
00:12:31,502 --> 00:12:34,403
Even the wankers on the site wouldn't
drink that. That's worse than meths.
151
00:12:34,505 --> 00:12:37,474
Nonsense. This is a far
superior drink to meths.
152
00:12:37,575 --> 00:12:40,442
Wankers don't drink it
because they can't afford it.
153
00:12:44,816 --> 00:12:47,785
Have we got any more?
154
00:12:47,886 --> 00:12:50,616
Liar! What's in your toolbox?
155
00:12:50,722 --> 00:12:52,781
No, we have nothing. Sit down.
156
00:12:52,891 --> 00:12:55,291
Liar! You've got antifreeze.
157
00:12:55,393 --> 00:12:58,294
You bloody fool. You should
never mix your drinks!
158
00:13:07,171 --> 00:13:11,073
All right, this is the plan.
We'll get in there and get wrecked.
159
00:13:11,175 --> 00:13:15,111
Then we'll eat a pork pie. Then we'll
drop a couple of Surmontil 50s each.
160
00:13:15,213 --> 00:13:18,649
Means we'll miss out Monday but
come up smiling Tuesday morning.
161
00:13:18,750 --> 00:13:22,151
- What's that appalling smell?
- Perfume on my boots.
162
00:13:22,253 --> 00:13:25,313
I had to scrub them
with essence of petunia.
163
00:13:32,563 --> 00:13:36,624
Two large gins, two pints
of cider, ice in the cider.
164
00:13:36,734 --> 00:13:39,294
If my father was loaded,
I'd ask him for some money.
165
00:13:39,404 --> 00:13:42,168
If your father was my
father, you wouldn't get it.
166
00:13:42,273 --> 00:13:44,673
- Here you are,
lads. - Chin-chin.
167
00:13:48,446 --> 00:13:50,346
Ugh!
168
00:13:51,883 --> 00:13:54,511
What about
what's-his-name?
169
00:13:54,619 --> 00:13:57,952
- What about him?
- Why don't you give him a call?
170
00:13:58,056 --> 00:14:01,492
- What for?
- Ask him about his house.
171
00:14:01,592 --> 00:14:04,686
You want me to call what's-his-name
and ask him about his house?
172
00:14:04,796 --> 00:14:08,129
- Why not?
- All right. What's his number?
173
00:14:08,232 --> 00:14:10,894
I have no idea. I've never met him.
174
00:14:11,002 --> 00:14:13,903
Well, neither have I. Who the
fuck are you talking about?
175
00:14:14,005 --> 00:14:16,337
Your relative with the
house in the country.
176
00:14:16,441 --> 00:14:19,103
- Monty? Uncle Monty?
- Same. That's the one.
177
00:14:19,210 --> 00:14:22,179
Get the Jag fixed up, spend
a week in the country.
178
00:14:22,280 --> 00:14:26,080
All right. Give us a tanner,
and I'll give him a bell.
179
00:14:26,184 --> 00:14:30,678
Here. Get a couple more.
I'm going for a slash.
180
00:14:37,628 --> 00:14:39,528
Ponce.
181
00:14:42,500 --> 00:14:45,196
I could hardly piss straight with fear.
182
00:14:45,303 --> 00:14:48,864
A man with three-quarters of an inch
of brain had taken a dislike to me.
183
00:14:48,973 --> 00:14:53,376
What have I done to offend him? I don't
consciously offend big men like this.
184
00:14:53,478 --> 00:14:56,379
And this one has a definite
imbalance of hormone in him.
185
00:14:56,481 --> 00:14:59,609
Get any more masculine than him,
you'd have to live up a tree.
186
00:14:59,717 --> 00:15:02,948
"I fuck arses. " Who fucks arses?
187
00:15:03,054 --> 00:15:05,750
Maybe he fucks arses.
188
00:15:05,857 --> 00:15:08,985
Maybe he's written this in some
moment of drunken sincerity?
189
00:15:09,093 --> 00:15:11,561
I'm in considerable danger in here.
190
00:15:11,662 --> 00:15:13,653
I must get out of here at once.
191
00:15:18,002 --> 00:15:20,163
Perfumed ponce!
192
00:15:22,040 --> 00:15:25,271
You'll be pleased to hear
Monty's invited us for drinks.
193
00:15:25,376 --> 00:15:27,571
Balls to Monty. We're getting out.
194
00:15:27,678 --> 00:15:30,806
Balls to Monty? I already spent
an hour flattering the bugger.
195
00:15:30,915 --> 00:15:34,851
There's a man over there doesn't like
the perfume. A big one. Don't look.
196
00:15:34,952 --> 00:15:37,682
We're in danger. We've got to get out.
197
00:15:37,789 --> 00:15:41,816
- What are you talking about?
- I've been called a ponce.
198
00:15:41,926 --> 00:15:45,054
What fucker said that?
199
00:15:50,601 --> 00:15:53,570
I called him a ponce,
200
00:15:53,671 --> 00:15:56,037
and now I'm calling you one.
201
00:15:56,140 --> 00:15:58,267
Ponce!
202
00:15:58,376 --> 00:16:00,708
Would you like a drink?
203
00:16:00,812 --> 00:16:02,837
What's your name? McFuck?
204
00:16:04,215 --> 00:16:07,776
I have a heart condition.
I have a heart condition.
205
00:16:07,885 --> 00:16:10,615
If you hit me, it's murder.
206
00:16:10,721 --> 00:16:13,417
I'll murder the pair of yous!
207
00:16:13,524 --> 00:16:16,220
My wife is having a baby.
208
00:16:16,327 --> 00:16:20,855
Listen, I don't know what my...
acquaintance did to upset you,
209
00:16:20,965 --> 00:16:23,490
but it's nothing to do with me.
210
00:16:23,601 --> 00:16:26,229
I suggest you both go outside...
211
00:16:26,337 --> 00:16:29,101
and discuss it sensibly in the street.
212
00:16:31,776 --> 00:16:33,676
Out of my way!
213
00:16:39,417 --> 00:16:42,409
Speed is like a dozen
transatlantic flights...
214
00:16:42,520 --> 00:16:44,886
without ever getting off the plane.
215
00:16:44,989 --> 00:16:49,085
Time change. You lose. You gain.
216
00:16:49,193 --> 00:16:53,220
Makes no difference, so long
as you keep taking the pills.
217
00:16:53,331 --> 00:16:56,164
But sooner or later,
you gotta get out...
218
00:16:56,267 --> 00:16:58,394
because it's crashing,
219
00:16:58,503 --> 00:17:01,495
and all at once those frozen hours...
220
00:17:01,606 --> 00:17:04,234
melt through the nervous system...
221
00:17:04,342 --> 00:17:07,505
and seep out the pores.
222
00:17:08,813 --> 00:17:12,010
Bastards! Just to suck...
223
00:17:12,116 --> 00:17:15,574
some miserable cheap cigar,
and the bastards won't see me.
224
00:17:18,122 --> 00:17:20,090
Why are we having lunch in here?
225
00:17:20,191 --> 00:17:22,182
It's dinner, and Danny's here.
226
00:17:22,293 --> 00:17:24,193
Danny? How did he get in?
227
00:17:24,295 --> 00:17:27,059
I let him in this morning.
He lost one of his clogs.
228
00:17:27,165 --> 00:17:29,793
He's come in because
of this perpetual cold.
229
00:17:29,901 --> 00:17:32,734
Oh, I hope tobacco sales plummet.
230
00:17:32,837 --> 00:17:36,773
I've got your saveloy.
Here. I don't want it.
231
00:17:36,874 --> 00:17:39,638
Then stick it in a soap
tray and save it for later.
232
00:17:39,744 --> 00:17:42,406
Don't vent spleen on
me! I'm in the same boat!
233
00:17:42,513 --> 00:17:45,346
Stop saying that! You're
not in the same boat.
234
00:17:45,449 --> 00:17:49,886
The only thing you're in that I
have been in is this fucking bath!
235
00:17:52,156 --> 00:17:56,388
Danny's here. Headhunter to his friends.
236
00:17:56,494 --> 00:18:00,396
Headhunter to everybody.
He doesn't have any friends.
237
00:18:00,498 --> 00:18:03,228
The only people he converses with...
238
00:18:03,334 --> 00:18:06,235
are his clients and
occasionally the police.
239
00:18:06,337 --> 00:18:11,240
The purveyor of rare herbs and
prescribed chemicals is back.
240
00:18:11,342 --> 00:18:14,368
Will we never be set free?
241
00:18:19,016 --> 00:18:22,543
- Danny.
- You're looking very beautiful, man.
242
00:18:22,653 --> 00:18:24,553
Have you been away?
243
00:18:24,655 --> 00:18:28,716
St. Peter preached the epistles
to the apostles looking like that.
244
00:18:28,826 --> 00:18:31,158
Have you got any food?
245
00:18:31,262 --> 00:18:34,663
Mmm. As a matter of
fact, I got a saveloy.
246
00:18:34,765 --> 00:18:37,632
How much is it?
247
00:18:37,735 --> 00:18:39,930
You can have it for nothing.
248
00:18:40,037 --> 00:18:43,097
- I see you're wearing a suit.
- What's it got to do with you?
249
00:18:43,207 --> 00:18:47,439
No need to get uptight, man. I
was merely making an observation.
250
00:18:47,545 --> 00:18:52,073
I happened to be looking for a
suit for the Coalman two weeks ago.
251
00:18:52,183 --> 00:18:55,414
For reasons I can't
really discuss with you...
252
00:18:55,519 --> 00:18:58,113
the Coalman had to go to Jamaica.
253
00:18:58,222 --> 00:19:00,986
Got busted coming back through Heathrow.
254
00:19:04,095 --> 00:19:05,995
Had a weight under his fez.
255
00:19:06,097 --> 00:19:10,227
We worked out, it would be very handy
karma for him to get hold of a suit.
256
00:19:10,334 --> 00:19:13,701
But he's a very low-temperature
spade, the Coalman.
257
00:19:13,804 --> 00:19:16,773
Goes into court in
his caftan and a bell.
258
00:19:16,874 --> 00:19:20,810
This doesn't go down at all well.
259
00:19:20,911 --> 00:19:24,472
They can handle the caftan,
but they can't handle the bell.
260
00:19:24,582 --> 00:19:28,143
So there's this judge sitting there
in the cape like fucking Batman...
261
00:19:28,252 --> 00:19:31,813
- with this really rather
far-out looking hat... - Wig.
262
00:19:31,922 --> 00:19:35,983
No, man. This was more
like a long white hat.
263
00:19:36,093 --> 00:19:38,618
So he looks at the Coalman and says,
264
00:19:38,729 --> 00:19:42,324
"What's all this? This is a court,
man. This ain't fancy dress. "
265
00:19:42,433 --> 00:19:45,129
And the Coalman looks at him and says,
266
00:19:45,236 --> 00:19:48,262
"You think you look normal, Your Honor?"
267
00:19:48,372 --> 00:19:51,398
Cunt give him two years.
268
00:19:53,411 --> 00:19:56,471
I'm afraid I can't offer
you gentlemen anything.
269
00:19:56,580 --> 00:19:59,310
That's all right, Danny. We
decided to lay off for a bit.
270
00:19:59,417 --> 00:20:03,183
That's what I thought. Except for
personal use, I concur with you.
271
00:20:03,287 --> 00:20:07,690
As a matter of fact, I'm thinking
of retiring and going into business.
272
00:20:07,792 --> 00:20:10,283
Doing what?
273
00:20:10,394 --> 00:20:13,625
- The toy industry.
- I thought you were in the bottle industry.
274
00:20:13,731 --> 00:20:17,895
No, man. That's a
sideline. You can have that.
275
00:20:18,002 --> 00:20:20,732
Instructions are included.
276
00:20:20,838 --> 00:20:25,002
Yeah, my partner's got a really
good idea for making dolls.
277
00:20:25,109 --> 00:20:29,671
His name's Presuming Ed.
His sister give him the idea.
278
00:20:29,780 --> 00:20:32,476
She got a doll on Christmas
what pisses itself.
279
00:20:32,583 --> 00:20:36,019
- Really?
- Yeah, and you gotta change its drawers for it.
280
00:20:36,120 --> 00:20:39,146
It's horrible, really. But
they like that, little girls.
281
00:20:39,256 --> 00:20:42,157
So we're gonna make one
that shits itself as well.
282
00:20:42,259 --> 00:20:44,853
- Shits itself?
- He's an expert.
283
00:20:44,962 --> 00:20:47,726
He's building the prototype now.
284
00:20:50,501 --> 00:20:52,662
Why is he behaving so uptightly?
285
00:20:52,770 --> 00:20:56,729
Because a gang of cheeroot vendors
considered a haircut beyond my abilities.
286
00:20:56,841 --> 00:20:59,742
I don't advise a haircut, man.
287
00:20:59,844 --> 00:21:03,007
All hairdressers are in the
employment of the government.
288
00:21:03,114 --> 00:21:05,275
Hair are your aerials.
289
00:21:05,383 --> 00:21:07,851
They pick up signals from the cosmos...
290
00:21:07,952 --> 00:21:10,750
and transmit them
directly into the brain.
291
00:21:10,855 --> 00:21:13,983
This is the reason
bald-headed men are uptight.
292
00:21:14,091 --> 00:21:16,423
What absolute twaddle.
293
00:21:17,862 --> 00:21:19,762
- Has he just been busted?
- No.
294
00:21:19,864 --> 00:21:22,094
Then why is he wearing that old suit?
295
00:21:22,199 --> 00:21:26,260
Old suit? This suit was cut
by Hawke's of Savile Row.
296
00:21:26,370 --> 00:21:30,329
Just because the best tailoring you've ever seen is
above your fucking appendix doesn't mean anything!
297
00:21:30,441 --> 00:21:32,932
Don't get uptight with me, man.
298
00:21:33,043 --> 00:21:37,571
'Cause if you do, I'll have
to give you a dose of medicine.
299
00:21:37,681 --> 00:21:41,777
And if I spike you, you'll
know you've been spoken to.
300
00:21:41,886 --> 00:21:44,616
You wouldn't spike me. You're too mean.
301
00:21:44,722 --> 00:21:47,623
Besides, there's nothing
invented I couldn't take.
302
00:21:47,725 --> 00:21:52,560
If I medicined you, you'd think a
brain tumor was a birthday present.
303
00:21:54,398 --> 00:21:57,492
I could take double anything you could.
304
00:21:59,403 --> 00:22:02,804
Very, very foolish words, man.
305
00:22:02,907 --> 00:22:05,307
He's right, Withnail. Look at him.
306
00:22:05,409 --> 00:22:08,310
His mechanism's gone. He's had more
drugs than you've had hot dinners.
307
00:22:08,412 --> 00:22:10,846
I'm not having this
shag sack insulting me.
308
00:22:10,948 --> 00:22:13,143
Let him get his drugs out.
309
00:22:13,250 --> 00:22:17,118
This doll is extremely dangerous.
310
00:22:18,956 --> 00:22:22,892
It has voodoo qualities.
311
00:22:31,936 --> 00:22:37,602
Trade, "Phenodihydrochrolide benzorex. "
312
00:22:37,708 --> 00:22:41,007
Street, "the embalmer. "
313
00:22:41,111 --> 00:22:43,341
Balls! I'll swallow it and run a mile.
314
00:22:43,447 --> 00:22:48,146
Cool your boots, man. This
pill's valued at two quid.
315
00:22:48,252 --> 00:22:51,153
- Two quid? You're out of your mind.
- That's sense, Withnail.
316
00:22:51,255 --> 00:22:54,782
You can stuff it up your arse for nothing
and fuck off while you're doing it!
317
00:22:57,294 --> 00:23:01,788
No need to insult me,
man. I was leaving anyway.
318
00:23:05,135 --> 00:23:08,298
Have either of you got shoes?
319
00:23:33,831 --> 00:23:36,299
Monty's car.
320
00:23:44,842 --> 00:23:47,834
Oh, hello! Come in.
321
00:23:55,920 --> 00:23:59,617
Sit down, do. Would you like a drink?
322
00:23:59,723 --> 00:24:01,816
- Sherry.
- Sherry.
323
00:24:04,929 --> 00:24:06,829
- Sherry?
- Sherry.
324
00:24:06,931 --> 00:24:08,831
Sherry.
325
00:24:12,870 --> 00:24:15,430
Do you like vegetables?
326
00:24:15,539 --> 00:24:18,269
I've always been fond of root crops,
327
00:24:18,375 --> 00:24:20,900
but I only started to grow last summer.
328
00:24:21,011 --> 00:24:24,606
I happen to think the cauliflower
more beautiful than the rose.
329
00:24:24,715 --> 00:24:26,615
Chin-chin.
330
00:24:26,717 --> 00:24:29,117
- Do you grow?
- Geraniums.
331
00:24:29,219 --> 00:24:31,312
Little traitors.
332
00:24:31,422 --> 00:24:34,653
I think the carrot infinitely
more fascinating than the geranium.
333
00:24:34,758 --> 00:24:38,216
Mmm. The carrot has mystery.
334
00:24:38,329 --> 00:24:41,355
Flowers are essentially tarts,
335
00:24:41,465 --> 00:24:44,491
prostitutes for the bees.
336
00:24:45,903 --> 00:24:48,963
There is, you will agree,
a certain "je ne sai quoi,"
337
00:24:49,073 --> 00:24:52,736
something very special
about a firm, young carrot.
338
00:24:52,843 --> 00:24:54,970
Hmm, excuse me.
339
00:24:55,079 --> 00:24:58,640
Do help yourselves to another drink.
340
00:24:58,749 --> 00:25:01,217
What's all this? The man's mad.
341
00:25:01,318 --> 00:25:03,878
- Eccentric.
- Eccentric? He's insane!
342
00:25:03,988 --> 00:25:06,582
Not only that, he's a raving homosexual.
343
00:25:08,692 --> 00:25:10,956
You beastly little
parasite! How dare you?
344
00:25:11,061 --> 00:25:13,825
You little thug! How dare you!
345
00:25:16,467 --> 00:25:19,027
Beastly, ungrateful little swine!
346
00:25:19,136 --> 00:25:22,867
- Shall I get you a drink?
- Yes, yes, yes, please, dear boy.
347
00:25:22,973 --> 00:25:25,533
You can prepare me a small
rhesus-negative Bloody Mary.
348
00:25:25,643 --> 00:25:29,773
You must tell me all the news. I haven't
seen you since you finished your last show.
349
00:25:29,880 --> 00:25:32,678
Rather busy, Uncle. TV and stuff.
350
00:25:32,783 --> 00:25:36,082
My agent's attempting to edge me
towards Royal Shakespeare Company again.
351
00:25:36,186 --> 00:25:40,088
- Oh, splendid.
- And he's just had an audition for rep.
352
00:25:40,190 --> 00:25:43,353
Oh, splendid! So you're a Thespian too?
353
00:25:46,797 --> 00:25:48,788
Monty used to act.
354
00:25:48,899 --> 00:25:50,799
One hardly says that.
355
00:25:50,901 --> 00:25:54,462
I cracked the boards in my youth,
but I never really had it in my blood.
356
00:25:54,571 --> 00:25:57,131
And that's what's so
essential, isn't it?
357
00:25:57,241 --> 00:25:59,675
The theatrical zeal in the veins.
358
00:25:59,777 --> 00:26:03,838
Alas, I have little more than
vintage wine and memories.
359
00:26:08,152 --> 00:26:11,883
It is the most shattering
experience of a young man's life...
360
00:26:11,989 --> 00:26:15,891
when one morning he awakes and
quite reasonably says to himself,
361
00:26:15,993 --> 00:26:21,454
"I will never play the Dane. "
362
00:26:21,565 --> 00:26:24,728
When that moment comes,
363
00:26:24,835 --> 00:26:28,293
one's ambition ceases.
364
00:26:30,674 --> 00:26:33,165
Don't you agree?
365
00:26:33,277 --> 00:26:37,077
- It's a part I intend to play, Uncle.
- And you'll be marvelous.
366
00:26:37,181 --> 00:26:39,479
Marvelous.
367
00:26:40,884 --> 00:26:43,444
"It's gone.
368
00:26:43,554 --> 00:26:46,751
"We do it wrong, being so ma'jestical...
369
00:26:46,857 --> 00:26:49,587
to offer it the show of violence. "
370
00:26:49,693 --> 00:26:52,787
Let's go. He's a madman.
371
00:26:52,896 --> 00:26:55,660
Any minute now, he's gonna rush
out and get into his tights.
372
00:26:55,766 --> 00:26:59,600
- Okay, okay. Any minute.
- The house or out.
373
00:27:01,538 --> 00:27:03,733
Could I have a word with you, Monty?
374
00:27:03,841 --> 00:27:06,776
Oh, forgive me, dear boy. Forgive me.
375
00:27:06,877 --> 00:27:09,937
I was allowing memory
to have the better of me.
376
00:27:10,047 --> 00:27:12,948
Shall I get you a topper?
377
00:27:21,892 --> 00:27:25,453
Indeed, I remember my first agent.
378
00:27:25,562 --> 00:27:27,689
Raymond Duck.
379
00:27:29,533 --> 00:27:32,525
He was a dreadful little Israelite.
380
00:27:32,636 --> 00:27:35,605
Four floors up on the
Charing Cross Road,
381
00:27:35,706 --> 00:27:38,504
and never a job at the top of them.
382
00:27:40,344 --> 00:27:43,142
I'm told you're a writer too.
383
00:27:45,082 --> 00:27:47,573
Do you write poems?
384
00:27:47,684 --> 00:27:51,643
No. I wish I could. It's
just thoughts, really.
385
00:27:53,357 --> 00:27:55,825
- Are you published?
- Oh, no.
386
00:27:55,926 --> 00:27:58,156
Where did you school?
387
00:27:58,262 --> 00:28:00,890
He went to the other place, Monty.
388
00:28:00,998 --> 00:28:04,229
Oh, you went to Eton?
389
00:28:04,334 --> 00:28:07,030
Get that damned little
swine out of here!
390
00:28:09,139 --> 00:28:12,939
It's trying to get itself in with you.
It's trying for even more advantage.
391
00:28:13,043 --> 00:28:15,204
It's obsessed with its gut. It's
like a bloody rugby ball now.
392
00:28:15,312 --> 00:28:18,611
- It will die! It will die!
- Monty. Monty.
393
00:28:18,715 --> 00:28:21,513
No, no, dear boy. You must leave.
394
00:28:21,618 --> 00:28:23,984
Yet again, that oaf
has destroyed my day.
395
00:28:24,087 --> 00:28:27,113
Listen, Monty. Could I just have
a quick word with you? In private?
396
00:28:27,224 --> 00:28:29,385
Oh... very well.
397
00:28:40,871 --> 00:28:43,863
- Good night, my dears.
- Good night, Monty.
398
00:28:43,974 --> 00:28:47,432
What's all this going off in private
business? Why did you tell him I went to Eton?
399
00:28:47,544 --> 00:28:50,377
Because it wouldn't
have helped if I hadn't.
400
00:28:50,480 --> 00:28:53,711
I'm just trying to establish you in
some sort of context he'd understand.
401
00:28:53,817 --> 00:28:57,514
- What do you mean by that?
- I mean, free to those who can afford it.
402
00:28:57,621 --> 00:29:00,385
Very expensive to those that can't.
403
00:29:08,098 --> 00:29:11,693
"All Along the Watchtower"]
404
00:29:44,635 --> 00:29:48,799
- Scrubbers!
- Up yours, Granddad!
405
00:29:48,906 --> 00:29:52,433
- Scrubbers! Scrubbers!
- Shut up!
406
00:29:52,542 --> 00:29:55,739
Little tarts. They love it.
407
00:29:55,846 --> 00:29:58,838
I'm trying to drive this
thing as quietly as possible.
408
00:29:58,949 --> 00:30:02,715
If you don't shut up, we'll
get stopped by the police.
409
00:30:02,819 --> 00:30:05,982
- Give me the bottle.
- Look at that. Look at that.
410
00:30:06,089 --> 00:30:09,320
"Accident black spot. "
These aren't accidents!
411
00:30:09,426 --> 00:30:12,918
They're throwing themselves
into the road! Gladly!
412
00:30:13,030 --> 00:30:17,228
Throwing themselves into the road
to escape all this hideousness!
413
00:30:17,334 --> 00:30:20,201
Throw yourself into the road, darling!
414
00:30:20,304 --> 00:30:22,864
You haven't got a chance!
415
00:30:59,977 --> 00:31:03,606
At some point or another, I want
to stop and get hold of a child.
416
00:31:03,714 --> 00:31:05,614
What do you want a child for?
417
00:31:05,716 --> 00:31:07,843
To tutor it in the
ways of righteousness...
418
00:31:07,951 --> 00:31:10,249
and procure some uncontaminated urine.
419
00:31:10,354 --> 00:31:14,688
This is a device enabling the drunken
driver to operate in absolute safety.
420
00:31:14,791 --> 00:31:19,694
You fill this with piss, take
this pipe down the trouser...
421
00:31:19,796 --> 00:31:23,960
and cellotape this valve
to the end of the old chap.
422
00:31:24,067 --> 00:31:27,935
Then you get horribly drunk,
and they can't fucking touch you.
423
00:31:28,038 --> 00:31:31,030
According to these instructions,
424
00:31:31,141 --> 00:31:34,201
you refuse everything
but a urine sample.
425
00:31:34,311 --> 00:31:37,041
You undo your valve...
426
00:31:37,147 --> 00:31:40,742
and give 'em a dose of
unadulterated child's piss,
427
00:31:40,851 --> 00:31:43,877
and they have to give
you your keys back.
428
00:31:43,987 --> 00:31:48,083
Danny's a genius. I'm gonna have a doze.
429
00:33:09,606 --> 00:33:12,200
- Are we there?
- No, we're not. We're here.
430
00:33:12,309 --> 00:33:15,642
We're in the middle of a fucking gale.
431
00:33:15,745 --> 00:33:18,305
You'll have to keep
a look out your side.
432
00:33:18,415 --> 00:33:21,248
If you see anything, tell
me. Get hold of that map.
433
00:33:21,351 --> 00:33:24,081
- Where's the whiskey?
- What for?
434
00:33:24,187 --> 00:33:26,747
I got a bastard behind the eyes.
435
00:33:26,857 --> 00:33:29,655
I can't take aspirins without a drink.
436
00:33:29,759 --> 00:33:32,660
- Where's the aspirins?
- Probably in the bathroom.
437
00:33:32,762 --> 00:33:36,459
We've come out here in the middle
of nowhere without aspirins?
438
00:33:36,566 --> 00:33:39,831
- Where are we?
- How should I know where we are?
439
00:33:39,936 --> 00:33:43,337
I feel like a pig shat in my head.
440
00:33:43,440 --> 00:33:47,001
Get hold of that map and look
for a place called Crow Crag.
441
00:34:04,127 --> 00:34:07,961
There must and shall be aspirin.
442
00:34:09,266 --> 00:34:12,326
Give me the keys. Get out of the way.
443
00:34:12,435 --> 00:34:16,132
If I don't get aspirin, I shall die...
444
00:34:16,239 --> 00:34:20,141
here on this fucking mountainside!
445
00:34:35,492 --> 00:34:37,790
Christ Almighty!
446
00:35:12,395 --> 00:35:14,625
Monty.
447
00:35:31,548 --> 00:35:36,417
- What are you doing?
- Sitting down to enjoy my holiday.
448
00:35:39,256 --> 00:35:42,555
Right. Now, we're gonna have
to approach this scientifically.
449
00:35:42,659 --> 00:35:45,457
First thing we've got to
do is get this fire alight.
450
00:35:45,562 --> 00:35:47,792
Then we split into two
fact-finding groups.
451
00:35:47,897 --> 00:35:50,331
I'll deal with the
water and other plumbing.
452
00:35:50,433 --> 00:35:53,095
You can check the fuel
and wood situation.
453
00:35:57,240 --> 00:36:00,141
- What's that?
- The fuel and wood situation.
454
00:36:00,243 --> 00:36:03,235
There's nothing out
there except a hurricane.
455
00:36:07,250 --> 00:36:10,378
- This place is uninhabitable.
- Give it a chance. It's got to warm up.
456
00:36:10,487 --> 00:36:13,581
Warm up? We may as well
sit around a cigarette.
457
00:36:13,690 --> 00:36:16,250
This is ridiculous.
458
00:36:16,359 --> 00:36:19,692
We'll be found dead in here next spring.
459
00:36:20,930 --> 00:36:23,694
I've got a blinding fucking headache.
460
00:36:23,800 --> 00:36:26,360
We must have heat.
461
00:36:29,606 --> 00:36:31,836
We've got to keep this bastard burning.
462
00:36:31,941 --> 00:36:34,603
Well, we've got enough
furniture for tonight.
463
00:36:34,711 --> 00:36:37,612
Tomorrow we'll go down
that farm and get some logs.
464
00:36:37,714 --> 00:36:41,912
Mistake, I'm telling you.
This was a dreadful mistake.
465
00:38:52,949 --> 00:38:55,509
- Who's there?
- Me.
466
00:38:58,955 --> 00:39:00,855
What do you want?
467
00:39:00,957 --> 00:39:04,188
I'm a friend of Montague
Withnail's. He's lent us his cottage.
468
00:39:04,294 --> 00:39:08,754
I wondered if you could sell
us some food... eggs and things.
469
00:39:08,865 --> 00:39:11,425
Hmm?
470
00:39:13,570 --> 00:39:17,097
What about wood and coal?
471
00:39:17,207 --> 00:39:20,176
I'm not from London, you know.
472
00:39:20,276 --> 00:39:23,541
I don't care where you come from!
473
00:39:23,646 --> 00:39:26,513
Not the attitude I'd
been given to expect...
474
00:39:26,616 --> 00:39:28,846
from the H.E. Bates novel I'd read.
475
00:39:28,952 --> 00:39:33,685
I thought they'd all be out the back,
drinking cider, discussing butter.
476
00:39:33,790 --> 00:39:35,690
Clearly a myth.
477
00:39:35,792 --> 00:39:39,888
Evidently, country people are no more
receptive to strangers than city dwellers.
478
00:39:42,966 --> 00:39:46,868
Do you think you could tell me
where I could buy some coal and wood?
479
00:39:46,970 --> 00:39:50,098
You'll have to see me
son. He runs this farm.
480
00:39:50,206 --> 00:39:53,198
- Where is your son?
- Up in top fields.
481
00:39:53,309 --> 00:39:57,405
You can't miss him. His
leg's bound in polythene.
482
00:40:21,871 --> 00:40:25,272
Wake up, you bastard! Wake up!
483
00:40:26,910 --> 00:40:30,243
Wake up, you bastard!
You gotta get wood.
484
00:40:32,181 --> 00:40:34,411
Jesus! You're covered in shit.
485
00:40:34,517 --> 00:40:36,417
I tried to get the fuel and wood.
486
00:40:36,519 --> 00:40:39,420
There's a miserable little
pensioner down there.
487
00:40:39,522 --> 00:40:42,252
- She wouldn't give it to me.
- Where are we gonna get it, then?
488
00:40:42,358 --> 00:40:44,656
There's a man on the mountain.
489
00:40:44,761 --> 00:40:48,288
Why he's up there fuck knows.
490
00:40:48,398 --> 00:40:51,128
But he's up there with
a leg in polythene.
491
00:40:51,234 --> 00:40:53,634
You can't miss him. He's your man.
492
00:40:53,736 --> 00:40:56,432
And have another look in
that shed. Find anything.
493
00:40:56,539 --> 00:40:59,440
If you can't find
anything, bring in the shed.
494
00:41:03,880 --> 00:41:07,008
How come Monty owns such
a horrible little shack?
495
00:41:07,116 --> 00:41:09,050
No idea.
496
00:41:09,152 --> 00:41:11,712
You never discuss your family, do you?
497
00:41:11,821 --> 00:41:14,619
I fail to see my family
as of any interest to you.
498
00:41:14,724 --> 00:41:17,284
I have absolutely no interest in yours.
499
00:41:17,393 --> 00:41:21,022
I dislike relatives in
general, my own in particular.
500
00:41:21,130 --> 00:41:24,463
- Why?
- Because... I've told you why.
501
00:41:24,567 --> 00:41:28,526
We're incompatible. They
don't like me being on stage.
502
00:41:28,638 --> 00:41:31,300
Then they must be
delighted with your career.
503
00:41:31,407 --> 00:41:34,069
- What do you mean?
- You rarely are.
504
00:41:34,177 --> 00:41:36,372
You just wait! Just you wait!
505
00:41:36,479 --> 00:41:39,539
When I strike, they
won't know what hit them.
506
00:41:39,649 --> 00:41:41,844
Tractor approaching.
507
00:41:41,951 --> 00:41:44,920
Now get after him. That's the man.
508
00:41:47,390 --> 00:41:50,655
- Hey, stop!
- Stop!
509
00:41:50,760 --> 00:41:52,728
Stop! Please!
510
00:41:52,829 --> 00:41:55,525
Stop, please! Please stop!
511
00:41:58,701 --> 00:42:01,397
Please stop!
512
00:42:01,504 --> 00:42:04,405
- Are you the farmer?
- Shut up! I'll deal with this!
513
00:42:04,507 --> 00:42:06,600
We've gone on holiday by mistake.
514
00:42:06,709 --> 00:42:09,075
We're in this cottage
here. Are you the farmer?
515
00:42:09,178 --> 00:42:12,238
Stop saying that, Withnail! Of
course he's the fucking farmer!
516
00:42:12,348 --> 00:42:15,476
We're friends of Montague Withnail.
517
00:42:15,585 --> 00:42:18,179
We desperately need fuel and wood.
518
00:42:18,287 --> 00:42:21,586
Montague Withnail. You must know him!
519
00:42:21,691 --> 00:42:23,852
Fat man, owns the cottage.
520
00:42:23,960 --> 00:42:26,861
I seen a fat man.
London type. Queer sort.
521
00:42:26,963 --> 00:42:29,193
Think his name's French, or summit.
522
00:42:29,298 --> 00:42:31,926
- French?
- Aye. Adriene De La Touche.
523
00:42:32,035 --> 00:42:34,595
He ain't been here
for a couple of years.
524
00:42:34,704 --> 00:42:38,003
- Last time I saw him he was with his son.
- Yeah, that's him.
525
00:42:38,107 --> 00:42:42,305
Listen, we're bona fide. We're not from
London. Could we have some fuel and wood?
526
00:42:42,412 --> 00:42:45,779
I could bring you some logs up later.
I've got the cows to feed first.
527
00:42:45,882 --> 00:42:48,316
- When?
- Shut up! That would be very kind.
528
00:42:48,418 --> 00:42:51,581
What about food? Do you think you
could sell us something to eat?
529
00:42:51,688 --> 00:42:54,657
I could bring you a chicken, but
you'll have to go to the village.
530
00:42:54,757 --> 00:42:56,816
- That would be very kind, Mr...
- Parkin.
531
00:42:56,926 --> 00:42:59,827
Mr. Parkin. What happened to your leg?
532
00:42:59,929 --> 00:43:03,262
Got a randy bull up there.
Give me one in the knee.
533
00:43:16,879 --> 00:43:19,746
You wanna go out back?
Get some spuds up?
534
00:43:19,849 --> 00:43:23,580
Sorry, I can't. My
boots are in the oven.
535
00:43:23,686 --> 00:43:26,416
- You'd go if you had boots?
536
00:43:26,522 --> 00:43:28,513
Gladly.
537
00:43:53,783 --> 00:43:56,274
- I've got one!
538
00:44:21,944 --> 00:44:25,175
- Great. How much do we owe you?
- Pay us when you come down.
539
00:44:25,281 --> 00:44:27,545
- What about this chicken?
- He's on the back.
540
00:44:38,127 --> 00:44:41,062
With. With.
541
00:44:41,164 --> 00:44:44,258
Parkin's been. There's our supper.
542
00:44:44,367 --> 00:44:47,165
- What are we supposed to do with that?
- Eat it.
543
00:44:47,270 --> 00:44:49,204
Eat it? The fucker's alive.
544
00:44:49,305 --> 00:44:51,205
- Yeah, I know that. You've gotta kill it.
- Me?
545
00:44:51,307 --> 00:44:55,334
- I'm fire lighter and fuel collector.
- Yeah, I know that, but I got the logs in.
546
00:44:59,849 --> 00:45:02,545
It takes away your
appetite looking at it.
547
00:45:02,652 --> 00:45:05,143
No, it doesn't. I'm starving.
548
00:45:05,254 --> 00:45:08,382
- How can we make it die?
- You have to throttle them.
549
00:45:08,491 --> 00:45:13,121
I think you should strangle it instantly,
in case it starts to make friends with us.
550
00:45:13,229 --> 00:45:16,995
All right, get hold of it. You
hold it down. I'll strangle it.
551
00:45:17,099 --> 00:45:21,160
I can't. Those dreadful,
beady eyes. They stare you out.
552
00:45:21,270 --> 00:45:25,138
It's a bloody chicken! Just think
of it with bacon across its back.
553
00:45:25,241 --> 00:45:27,766
All right, I'll deal with this.
554
00:45:27,877 --> 00:45:30,437
You'll have to get its guts out.
555
00:45:37,820 --> 00:45:40,948
Never point guns at people!
It's extremely dangerous.
556
00:45:41,057 --> 00:45:43,890
What about this roasting dish?
What are we gonna cook it in?
557
00:45:43,993 --> 00:45:47,724
You're the food and plumbings man. I have
no idea. I wish I'd found this an hour ago.
558
00:45:47,830 --> 00:45:50,594
I'd have taken great pleasure
in gunning this pullet down.
559
00:45:54,036 --> 00:45:57,062
- Shouldn't it be more bald than that?
- No, it shouldn't.
560
00:45:57,173 --> 00:46:01,769
Right. We're gonna have
to reverse the roles.
561
00:46:01,878 --> 00:46:06,076
We can bake the potatoes in the oven...
562
00:46:06,182 --> 00:46:08,878
and we can boil this
bastard over the fire.
563
00:46:08,985 --> 00:46:11,749
- Let's get its feet off.
- No.
564
00:46:11,854 --> 00:46:14,345
It's gonna need its feet.
565
00:46:29,538 --> 00:46:32,268
It can stand with its legs
on either side of that.
566
00:46:39,749 --> 00:46:43,014
I've already put two shilling pieces in.
567
00:46:43,119 --> 00:46:45,883
No, I haven't got another.
568
00:46:45,988 --> 00:46:49,287
It's not my fault if
the system doesn't work.
569
00:46:51,694 --> 00:46:54,060
The bitch hung up on me.
570
00:47:08,444 --> 00:47:11,413
Hello? How are you?
571
00:47:11,514 --> 00:47:14,176
Very well.
572
00:47:14,283 --> 00:47:18,652
A what? Why wouldn't they see me?
573
00:47:18,754 --> 00:47:21,120
This is ridiculous.
574
00:47:21,223 --> 00:47:23,919
I haven't been up for
a job in three months!
575
00:47:24,026 --> 00:47:27,518
Understudy Constantine? I'm not
going to understudy Constantine.
576
00:47:27,630 --> 00:47:29,860
Why can't I play the part?
577
00:47:29,966 --> 00:47:32,196
This is ridiculous.
578
00:47:32,301 --> 00:47:35,168
No, I'm not in London. Penrith.
579
00:47:35,271 --> 00:47:37,398
Penrith!
580
00:47:37,506 --> 00:47:39,531
Well, what about TV?
581
00:47:40,776 --> 00:47:43,540
Listen, I pay you ten
percent to do that.
582
00:47:43,646 --> 00:47:47,207
Well, lick ten percent
of the asses for me, then!
583
00:47:47,316 --> 00:47:50,046
Hello? Hello? Hello?
584
00:47:50,152 --> 00:47:54,714
Hello? How dare you? Fuck you!
585
00:47:57,226 --> 00:48:02,027
The bastard asked me to understudy
Constantine in The Seagull.
586
00:48:04,367 --> 00:48:08,497
I don't want to understudy anybody,
especially that little pimp.
587
00:48:10,006 --> 00:48:12,600
Anyway, I loathe those Russian plays.
588
00:48:12,708 --> 00:48:15,609
Always full of women
staring out of windows,
589
00:48:15,711 --> 00:48:17,770
whining about ducks going to Moscow.
590
00:48:28,491 --> 00:48:31,119
What do you think of Desmond Wolfe?
591
00:48:31,227 --> 00:48:34,355
- In respect of what?
- I'm thinking of changing my name.
592
00:48:34,463 --> 00:48:37,626
It's too like Donald Wolfit.
593
00:48:37,733 --> 00:48:39,758
Changeover point.
594
00:48:44,373 --> 00:48:46,933
- Think he's happier than us?
- No.
595
00:48:52,114 --> 00:48:54,241
I suppose happiness is relative.
596
00:48:54,350 --> 00:48:57,080
I never thought it would be a
polythene bag without a hole in it.
597
00:48:57,186 --> 00:49:00,314
- Hey!
- What's the matter with him?
598
00:49:00,423 --> 00:49:03,756
- Shut the gate!
- You didn't shut the gate!
599
00:49:03,859 --> 00:49:05,850
Stop that bull!
600
00:49:07,696 --> 00:49:09,994
Stop that bull!
601
00:49:13,302 --> 00:49:16,362
Grab its ring! Keep your bag up!
602
00:49:16,472 --> 00:49:18,838
Out-mind him.
603
00:49:18,941 --> 00:49:21,967
Hey, show no fear. Just run at it.
604
00:49:22,078 --> 00:49:24,410
That can't be sensible, can it?
The bastard's about to run at me!
605
00:49:24,513 --> 00:49:26,811
- Well, he's randy!
- Yes, I know he is!
606
00:49:26,916 --> 00:49:29,214
Wants to get down there and
have sex with those cows.
607
00:49:29,318 --> 00:49:31,445
Shut up!
608
00:49:31,554 --> 00:49:35,650
- Run at it, shouting!
- Do as he says, start shouting.
609
00:49:38,060 --> 00:49:41,723
- He won't gore you.
- A coward you are, Withnail!
610
00:49:41,831 --> 00:49:45,062
An expert on bulls you are not!
611
00:49:57,513 --> 00:49:59,413
Shut that gate and keep it shut!
612
00:50:02,318 --> 00:50:05,219
I think an evening at the Crow.
613
00:50:07,990 --> 00:50:11,824
If the Crow and Crown ever
had life, it was dead now.
614
00:50:11,927 --> 00:50:14,452
It was like walking into a lung,
615
00:50:14,563 --> 00:50:18,795
a sulfer-stained, nicotine
yellow and fly-blown lung.
616
00:50:18,901 --> 00:50:23,031
Its landlord was a retired alcoholic
with military pretensions...
617
00:50:23,139 --> 00:50:25,505
and a complexion like
the inside of a teapot.
618
00:50:26,509 --> 00:50:29,774
By the time the doors opened,
he was arse-holed on rum...
619
00:50:29,879 --> 00:50:32,006
and got progressively
more arse-holed...
620
00:50:32,114 --> 00:50:35,379
till he could take no more
621
00:50:38,320 --> 00:50:41,016
We'll have another
pair of large scotches.
622
00:50:58,674 --> 00:51:01,609
Thought I was going for a minute.
623
00:51:01,710 --> 00:51:03,701
No man's put me down yet.
624
00:51:03,812 --> 00:51:05,905
Have you had any training
in the martial arts?
625
00:51:06,015 --> 00:51:08,415
Yes, as a matter of fact, I have.
626
00:51:08,517 --> 00:51:11,384
Before I became a journalist,
I was in the Territorials.
627
00:51:11,487 --> 00:51:14,285
You know, when you first came in,
628
00:51:14,390 --> 00:51:17,359
I knew you were a services man.
629
00:51:17,459 --> 00:51:20,917
You could never, never disguise it.
630
00:51:23,532 --> 00:51:26,763
- What were you in?
- Tanks.
631
00:51:26,869 --> 00:51:30,134
Africa Corps. Little before your time.
632
00:51:30,239 --> 00:51:32,969
I don't suppose you've
engaged, have you?
633
00:51:33,075 --> 00:51:37,239
- Ireland.
- Ooh, crack at the Mick?
634
00:51:37,346 --> 00:51:40,281
We'll have another
pair of large scotches.
635
00:51:40,382 --> 00:51:42,942
These shall be my pleasure.
636
00:51:48,324 --> 00:51:50,292
What are you doing up here, then?
637
00:51:50,392 --> 00:51:52,360
We're doing a feature for Country Life.
638
00:51:52,461 --> 00:51:54,361
Survey of rural types.
639
00:51:54,463 --> 00:51:58,797
You know, farmers, traveling tinkers,
640
00:51:58,901 --> 00:52:01,267
milkmen, that sort of thing.
641
00:52:01,370 --> 00:52:03,270
Have you...
642
00:52:05,774 --> 00:52:07,901
Have you met Jake?
643
00:52:08,010 --> 00:52:10,570
Poacher. Works the lake.
644
00:52:10,679 --> 00:52:14,206
But, uh, keep it under your hat, hmm?
645
00:52:25,060 --> 00:52:27,153
What's all this army bollocks?
646
00:52:27,263 --> 00:52:29,891
We got a drink, didn't we?
647
00:52:32,635 --> 00:52:35,195
Time, gentlemen.
648
00:52:37,539 --> 00:52:39,530
I think he means it.
649
00:53:10,606 --> 00:53:13,700
- Go ask him if we can have one.
- What for?
650
00:53:13,809 --> 00:53:17,438
So we can eat it.
We're fed up with stew!
651
00:53:23,786 --> 00:53:26,778
Excuse me. Could we have an eel?
652
00:53:26,889 --> 00:53:30,484
- You've got eels down your leg.
- You leave them alone.
653
00:53:30,592 --> 00:53:34,426
Nothing down there of interest to you.
654
00:53:34,530 --> 00:53:37,294
Help us out, Raymond.
655
00:53:37,399 --> 00:53:41,563
These be fed from asshole to beak.
656
00:53:43,405 --> 00:53:47,432
How about one of those
pheasants? Go on, ask him.
657
00:53:49,211 --> 00:53:52,977
Excuse me. We were wondering if we
could purchase a pheasant off of you?
658
00:53:53,082 --> 00:53:55,414
No. I've got nothing to sell.
659
00:53:55,517 --> 00:53:58,486
Come on, old boy. What's in your hump?
660
00:53:58,587 --> 00:54:03,490
Now look, you. Them pheasants are for
his pot. These here are for my pot.
661
00:54:03,592 --> 00:54:06,527
Now what makes you think I should
give you something for your pot?
662
00:54:06,628 --> 00:54:09,392
- What pot?
- Our cooking pot.
663
00:54:09,498 --> 00:54:13,195
He knows. Hey, give us
a wheeze on that fag.
664
00:54:17,005 --> 00:54:20,441
I might come and see you lads in a
week. I might fetch you up a rabbit.
665
00:54:20,542 --> 00:54:23,306
We don't want a rabbit.
We want a pheasant.
666
00:54:23,412 --> 00:54:26,438
Listen, you young prat.
I ain't got no pheasants.
667
00:54:26,548 --> 00:54:29,073
I ain't got no birds,
no more than you have.
668
00:54:29,184 --> 00:54:32,312
Of course you have. You're the poacher.
669
00:54:32,421 --> 00:54:35,413
If I hear more words out of you,
670
00:54:35,524 --> 00:54:38,755
I'll put one of these
here black pods on you.
671
00:54:38,861 --> 00:54:41,921
- Don't threaten me with a dead fish.
- Half dead, he may be.
672
00:54:42,030 --> 00:54:45,693
But I'll come up after you, and
I'll wake you up with a live one.
673
00:54:45,801 --> 00:54:49,760
Sod your pheasants! You'll
have to find us first.
674
00:54:49,872 --> 00:54:52,705
I know where you are, at Crow Crag.
675
00:54:52,808 --> 00:54:54,901
I've been watching you.
676
00:54:55,010 --> 00:54:57,774
Especially you, prancing like a tit.
677
00:54:59,548 --> 00:55:02,346
You want working on, boy.
678
00:55:02,451 --> 00:55:06,251
If I see that silage heap
hanging about up here,
679
00:55:06,355 --> 00:55:09,586
I'll take the bastard axe to him!
680
00:55:09,691 --> 00:55:13,593
Bastards! You'll all suffer!
681
00:55:13,695 --> 00:55:16,163
I'll show the lot of you!
682
00:55:16,265 --> 00:55:19,701
I'm gonna be a star!
683
00:55:23,505 --> 00:55:25,598
Vegetables again.
684
00:55:25,674 --> 00:55:28,336
I'll be sprouting bloody feelers soon.
685
00:55:28,444 --> 00:55:31,311
Must be 20,000 sheep out
there on those volcanoes,
686
00:55:31,413 --> 00:55:34,007
and we got a plate full of carrots.
687
00:55:34,116 --> 00:55:37,483
- There's black puddings in it.
- Black puddings are no good to us.
688
00:55:37,586 --> 00:55:40,384
I want something's flesh!
689
00:55:51,967 --> 00:55:54,731
Look! Come here! Down here. Look.
690
00:55:54,837 --> 00:55:57,567
Under the rock. I can see it.
691
00:55:58,807 --> 00:56:01,503
See him? Look.
692
00:56:01,610 --> 00:56:03,840
He's over there. Look. Here.
693
00:56:03,946 --> 00:56:06,779
There's two of them here.
Look. Come on, come on.
694
00:56:06,882 --> 00:56:09,043
Where?
695
00:56:32,174 --> 00:56:35,371
I think I'll call myself Donald Twain.
696
00:56:36,478 --> 00:56:40,608
Stop. Get down.
697
00:56:42,184 --> 00:56:44,652
It's him. What does he want?
698
00:56:44,753 --> 00:56:48,120
- Go down there and ask him.
- Don't be a fool. He's got a gun.
699
00:56:48,223 --> 00:56:50,885
Bastard's psychotic. You've
only got to look at him.
700
00:57:01,203 --> 00:57:04,434
This place has become impossible.
701
00:57:04,540 --> 00:57:07,998
Perpetual rain, freezing cold.
702
00:57:08,110 --> 00:57:10,874
Now a bloody madman on the
prowl outside with eels.
703
00:57:10,979 --> 00:57:13,743
All right, you made your point.
704
00:57:13,849 --> 00:57:17,012
We pack up. We get out tomorrow.
705
00:57:17,119 --> 00:57:19,212
- What are you doing?
- I'm going for a slash.
706
00:57:19,321 --> 00:57:21,915
No, you're not. I can't get
my boots on when they're hot.
707
00:57:22,024 --> 00:57:24,754
- I'll go alone.
- You're not leaving me in here alone.
708
00:57:24,860 --> 00:57:28,421
- Those are the kind of windows faces look in at.
- Then I won't have a slash.
709
00:57:28,530 --> 00:57:30,760
And in both our interests, I think
we should sleep together tonight.
710
00:57:30,866 --> 00:57:33,926
Don't be ridiculous. He's not
gonna come up here in the dark.
711
00:57:34,036 --> 00:57:36,436
Of course he is. If
he catches one of us,
712
00:57:36,538 --> 00:57:39,268
he's got a better chance
of dealing with the other.
713
00:57:39,374 --> 00:57:41,968
No.
714
00:57:55,023 --> 00:57:58,390
What's the matter with you?
What are you laughing at?
715
00:57:58,493 --> 00:58:00,859
I was dreaming. What do you want?
716
00:58:00,963 --> 00:58:04,421
You frightened the piss out of
me. Move over. I'm getting in.
717
00:58:08,971 --> 00:58:12,463
Oh, this is ridiculous. I'll
have to sleep in your bed.
718
00:58:12,574 --> 00:58:14,974
- I'll have to come with you.
- Will you get out?
719
00:58:15,077 --> 00:58:17,841
- No.
- All right, then I will.
720
00:58:26,288 --> 00:58:29,189
All right, you can stay,
but the gun doesn't.
721
00:58:29,291 --> 00:58:31,987
No. I have to keep the gun.
I intend to remain awake.
722
00:58:32,094 --> 00:58:34,688
- This is my bed, and I demand precedence.
- No!
723
00:58:40,435 --> 00:58:43,666
Mad fucking bastard!
724
00:59:06,328 --> 00:59:09,297
Shhh! Shhh!
725
00:59:09,398 --> 00:59:12,526
- Listen.
- There is nothing! Get to bed!
726
00:59:12,634 --> 00:59:15,034
I heard a noise.
727
00:59:15,137 --> 00:59:17,037
I must get in.
728
00:59:18,840 --> 00:59:22,298
Oh, for fuck's sake.
729
00:59:22,411 --> 00:59:24,606
- What was that?
- That's it. That's it.
730
00:59:24,713 --> 00:59:27,307
- What is it?
- It's the killer.
731
00:59:27,416 --> 00:59:31,375
- It's probably foxes looking for grub.
- Listen. Listen.
732
00:59:31,486 --> 00:59:34,216
Maybe it's the farmer.
733
00:59:34,322 --> 00:59:38,156
At 2:00 in the morning? It's the killer.
734
00:59:38,260 --> 00:59:41,752
He's come to kill us.
What are we gonna do?
735
00:59:44,332 --> 00:59:47,267
He wants to come in.
He's trying to get in.
736
00:59:47,369 --> 00:59:50,361
He can't. He'll go away.
737
00:59:50,472 --> 00:59:52,565
He's going away.
738
00:59:57,946 --> 01:00:00,073
This is all your fault.
739
01:00:00,182 --> 01:00:03,151
You've even given him the fucking gun.
740
01:00:08,056 --> 01:00:11,253
He's coming through the
window. He's getting in.
741
01:00:11,359 --> 01:00:14,522
- Give me the matches.
- Downstairs.
742
01:00:16,198 --> 01:00:20,760
He's in. He's sharpening
a fucking knife.
743
01:00:22,971 --> 01:00:26,372
We'll have to tackle him. You stay
in bed, pretending to be asleep.
744
01:00:26,475 --> 01:00:29,376
He'll go for you. When he
does, I'll jump on his back.
745
01:00:29,478 --> 01:00:32,413
No, no, no. It'll be too
late. I'll be knifed by then.
746
01:00:32,514 --> 01:00:35,347
We'll have to try and
make friends with him.
747
01:00:41,389 --> 01:00:44,756
They're going into your
room. It's you he wants.
748
01:00:44,860 --> 01:00:48,023
Offer him yourself.
749
01:00:58,774 --> 01:01:02,107
We mean no harm!
750
01:01:02,210 --> 01:01:06,544
Oh, my boys! My boys! Forgive me!
751
01:01:06,648 --> 01:01:10,744
- Monty! Monty, Monty!
- Monty, you terrible cunt!
752
01:01:10,852 --> 01:01:14,083
Forgive me. It was inconsiderate
of me not to have telegrammed.
753
01:01:14,189 --> 01:01:17,181
What are you doing, prowling around
in the middle of the fucking night!
754
01:01:17,292 --> 01:01:21,228
I had a punctured tire. I had
to wait an eon for assistance.
755
01:01:21,329 --> 01:01:24,628
I'm sorry if I frightened you.
I should have knocked, but...
756
01:01:24,733 --> 01:01:28,726
- I- I-I'll sleep in the other
room, if I may. - Anywhere you like.
757
01:01:28,837 --> 01:01:32,329
Uh, yes, well. Uh... good night.
758
01:01:36,511 --> 01:01:39,674
Brrr! Ah, good morning.
Did you sleep well?
759
01:01:39,781 --> 01:01:41,681
Mm-hmm.
760
01:01:46,254 --> 01:01:49,621
Um, I-I-I do apologize
for last night.
761
01:01:49,724 --> 01:01:53,626
- It was perfectly inconsiderate of me.
- It's perfectly all right, Monty.
762
01:01:53,728 --> 01:01:56,561
- You've been busy in here?
- As a bee.
763
01:01:56,665 --> 01:02:00,601
- How did you repair the window?
- Oh, I didn't break it.
764
01:02:00,702 --> 01:02:05,366
Merely forced it a little.
Sorry if I frightened you.
765
01:02:05,473 --> 01:02:08,567
There was an empty wine
bottle on the ledge.
766
01:02:08,677 --> 01:02:11,805
Oh, tomatoes. Yes.
767
01:02:17,452 --> 01:02:20,910
Why don't you go and wake
him? Breakfast in 15 minutes.
768
01:02:21,022 --> 01:02:25,356
The old order changeth,
769
01:02:25,460 --> 01:02:28,952
yielding place to new.
770
01:02:29,064 --> 01:02:33,797
And God fulfills Himself in many ways.
771
01:02:33,902 --> 01:02:36,370
And soon...
772
01:02:37,472 --> 01:02:39,770
I suppose...
773
01:02:39,875 --> 01:02:41,968
I shall be swept away...
774
01:02:42,077 --> 01:02:45,376
by some vulgar little tumor.
775
01:02:46,848 --> 01:02:49,282
Oh, my boys.
776
01:02:49,384 --> 01:02:52,842
My boys, we're at the end of an age.
777
01:02:52,954 --> 01:02:56,253
We live in a land of
weather forecasts...
778
01:02:56,358 --> 01:02:59,259
and breakfasts that 'set in,'
779
01:02:59,361 --> 01:03:03,297
shat on by Tories, shoveled up by Labor.
780
01:03:03,398 --> 01:03:07,198
And here we are... we three...
781
01:03:07,302 --> 01:03:11,705
perhaps the last island
of beauty in the world.
782
01:03:14,809 --> 01:03:18,677
Now, which of you is going
to be a splendid fellow...
783
01:03:18,780 --> 01:03:21,772
and go down to the Rolls
for the rest of the wine?
784
01:03:21,883 --> 01:03:25,148
- I will.
- No, I'd better go. I wanna dig the car out anyway.
785
01:03:25,253 --> 01:03:29,019
- But we have my car, dear boy.
- Yes, but if it rains, we're buggered.
786
01:03:29,124 --> 01:03:31,456
- I mean...
- Stranded!
787
01:03:31,559 --> 01:03:35,051
- We'll leave the car till later. Leave this to me.
- I'll come. I fancy a walk.
788
01:03:35,163 --> 01:03:38,997
No, I hear you're a little wizard in the
kitchen. I shall need you, to work the joint.
789
01:03:39,100 --> 01:03:43,969
- Yeah, you're the cook.
- And... what on earth are those?
790
01:03:44,072 --> 01:03:46,404
- We forgot to bring our Wellingtons.
- Oh, but how dreadful.
791
01:03:46,508 --> 01:03:49,739
Do you mean you've been up here in all this
beastly mud and oomska without Wellingtons?
792
01:03:49,844 --> 01:03:52,642
Well, this afternoon I shall
take you both into Penrith...
793
01:03:52,747 --> 01:03:56,376
and get you fitted with some
good quality rubber boots.
794
01:03:59,988 --> 01:04:03,480
Garlic, rosemary and salt.
795
01:04:05,226 --> 01:04:08,218
I brought two of these in case either
of you was any good in the kitchen.
796
01:04:08,330 --> 01:04:11,595
- I'm not.
- Of course you are. Cooking is one of the natural instincts.
797
01:04:11,700 --> 01:04:15,431
Listen, Monty. This is
all very kind of you,
798
01:04:15,537 --> 01:04:18,005
but I really think I ought to be out
there getting work done on the car.
799
01:04:18,106 --> 01:04:20,700
You haven't time. We're
taking late luncheon at 3:00.
800
01:04:20,809 --> 01:04:23,869
- I'm afraid we have to leave by 3:00, Monty.
- Leave?
801
01:04:23,979 --> 01:04:26,846
Oh, didn't he tell you? We
have to get back to sign on.
802
01:04:26,948 --> 01:04:32,443
- Sign on? At the Labor Exchange?
- Yeah.
803
01:04:32,554 --> 01:04:36,923
It's sort of fashionable, actually.
All the actors do it. Even Redgrave.
804
01:04:38,593 --> 01:04:42,962
But surely you could forego
for just this one occasion.
805
01:04:43,064 --> 01:04:45,897
I've come a very long
way to see you both.
806
01:04:46,001 --> 01:04:50,938
Can't, actually. I mean, I'd love to stay,
but he's more adamant to get back than I am.
807
01:04:51,039 --> 01:04:54,167
Then we must choose our moment...
808
01:04:56,411 --> 01:04:59,676
and have a word with him.
809
01:05:02,283 --> 01:05:05,047
I'm sure together we could persuade him.
810
01:05:07,622 --> 01:05:11,114
There. Now, garlic,
811
01:05:11,226 --> 01:05:13,888
rosemary and salt.
812
01:05:13,995 --> 01:05:17,192
I can never touch
meat until it's cooked.
813
01:05:17,298 --> 01:05:20,563
As a youth, I used to
weep in butcher shops.
814
01:05:20,668 --> 01:05:23,831
- I can't find the rosemary.
- Ah.
815
01:05:25,907 --> 01:05:28,774
Can't find the rosemary.
816
01:05:30,445 --> 01:05:32,413
I'm sure we could find it together.
817
01:05:35,316 --> 01:05:38,410
- Perhaps it's in the other bag.
- Perhaps it is.
818
01:05:38,520 --> 01:05:40,420
Shall we look?
819
01:05:44,259 --> 01:05:46,784
Oh, sorry. Sherry's in there.
820
01:05:52,267 --> 01:05:55,327
What do you mean, "sorry"? What's
going on? What's he doing here?
821
01:05:55,437 --> 01:05:57,701
We can't stay. He won't leave me alone.
822
01:05:57,806 --> 01:06:00,206
All right. We'll get the lunch
done, and then we'll leave.
823
01:06:01,943 --> 01:06:05,504
I'm afraid we must drink from these.
824
01:06:10,585 --> 01:06:13,850
I trust their shapes will
not offend your palates.
825
01:06:13,955 --> 01:06:18,358
- Chin-chin. - To a delightful
weekend in the country.
826
01:06:42,884 --> 01:06:45,216
I do think you could have shaved.
827
01:06:45,320 --> 01:06:48,414
What on earth will people think
of me turning up with you two?
828
01:06:48,523 --> 01:06:50,821
You look like a pair of farm hands.
829
01:06:56,898 --> 01:06:58,798
Tsk!
830
01:06:58,900 --> 01:07:00,800
This is most embarrassing.
831
01:07:03,037 --> 01:07:05,505
Get away from the car.
832
01:07:05,607 --> 01:07:08,508
Buy the Wellingtons.
833
01:07:08,610 --> 01:07:12,011
I'm going to buy some
razors and shaving soap.
834
01:07:12,113 --> 01:07:14,877
I'll see you over there in half an hour.
835
01:07:14,983 --> 01:07:17,884
- Pair of blues.
- One each.
836
01:07:19,387 --> 01:07:21,855
- I think a drink, don't you?
- What about the Wellingtons?
837
01:07:21,956 --> 01:07:23,856
Oh, bollocks to the Wellingtons.
838
01:07:23,958 --> 01:07:26,859
We'll tell them they had a farmer's
conference and had a run on them.
839
01:07:36,337 --> 01:07:39,431
Okay. Yeah. Promise.
840
01:07:39,541 --> 01:07:41,907
Bye.
841
01:07:45,213 --> 01:07:50,173
No, hasn't heard a thing. Apparently,
they're still seeing people.
842
01:07:50,285 --> 01:07:53,277
You don't want to go to Manchester
anyway. Play a bloody soldier?
843
01:07:53,388 --> 01:07:55,720
Don't I? I damned well do.
844
01:07:55,823 --> 01:07:58,519
- It's a bloody good little theater.
- It's not much of a part, is it?
845
01:07:58,626 --> 01:08:00,594
Well, it's better than nothing.
846
01:08:00,695 --> 01:08:04,096
- They'll make you cut your hair.
- So what? You'd lose a leg.
847
01:08:04,199 --> 01:08:07,168
- Time gents, please.
- All right. We're gonna have to work quickly.
848
01:08:07,268 --> 01:08:10,931
A pair of quadruple whiskies and
another pair of pints, please.
849
01:08:15,109 --> 01:08:18,601
Where is he? I'm utterly assholed.
850
01:08:18,713 --> 01:08:20,613
We're early.
851
01:08:22,617 --> 01:08:25,415
We want to get in there, don't we?
852
01:08:25,520 --> 01:08:28,353
Eat some cake, soak up the booze.
853
01:08:39,634 --> 01:08:41,932
- All right here?
- What do you want?
854
01:08:42,036 --> 01:08:46,166
- Cake. All right here?
- Uh, no. We're closing in a minute.
855
01:08:46,274 --> 01:08:48,674
We're leaving in a minute.
856
01:08:53,815 --> 01:08:58,013
- We want cake and tea.
- Didn't you hear?
857
01:08:58,119 --> 01:09:01,384
She said she'd closed.
What do you want in here?
858
01:09:01,489 --> 01:09:05,016
Cake. What's it got to do with you?
859
01:09:05,126 --> 01:09:07,822
I happen to be the proprietor.
860
01:09:07,929 --> 01:09:10,363
Now, would you leave?
861
01:09:10,465 --> 01:09:13,662
Ah, I'm glad you're the proprietor.
862
01:09:13,768 --> 01:09:16,703
I was gonna have to have
a word with you anyway.
863
01:09:16,804 --> 01:09:19,238
We're working on a film up here.
864
01:09:19,340 --> 01:09:21,865
Location, see.
865
01:09:21,976 --> 01:09:24,638
We might want to do a film in here.
866
01:09:24,746 --> 01:09:29,376
- You're drunk.
- Just bring out the cakes. Cake and fine wine.
867
01:09:29,484 --> 01:09:32,817
- If you don't leave, we'll call the police.
- Balls!
868
01:09:32,920 --> 01:09:35,548
We want the finest wines
available to humanity.
869
01:09:35,657 --> 01:09:38,023
And we want them here,
and we want them now.
870
01:09:38,126 --> 01:09:40,492
Miss Blenehassitt, telephone the police.
871
01:09:40,595 --> 01:09:44,998
It's all right, Miss Blenehassitt.
872
01:09:45,099 --> 01:09:49,297
I'm warning you, if
you do, you're fired.
873
01:09:49,404 --> 01:09:51,895
We're multimillionaires.
874
01:09:52,006 --> 01:09:54,338
We shall buy this place
and fire you immediately.
875
01:09:54,442 --> 01:09:59,379
Yes, we'll buy this place, and we'll
install a fucking jukebox in here...
876
01:09:59,480 --> 01:10:03,007
and liven all of you stiffs up a bit.
877
01:10:03,117 --> 01:10:05,483
The police, Miss Blenehassitt.
878
01:10:05,586 --> 01:10:09,545
Just say there are a couple of drunks in the
Penrith Tea Rooms, and we want them removed.
879
01:10:09,657 --> 01:10:13,024
We are not drunks. We
are multimillionaires.
880
01:10:13,127 --> 01:10:16,528
Hurry up, Mabs. We'll keep
them here till they arrive.
881
01:10:16,631 --> 01:10:18,792
You won't keep us anywhere.
882
01:10:18,900 --> 01:10:21,027
We'll buy this place
and have it knocked down.
883
01:10:21,135 --> 01:10:23,433
- Right, right, right.
- Police, please.
884
01:10:23,538 --> 01:10:26,166
Right. We're going.
885
01:10:26,274 --> 01:10:29,266
Our car has arrived.
886
01:10:29,377 --> 01:10:31,902
We'll be back.
887
01:10:32,013 --> 01:10:36,006
We're coming back in here.
888
01:10:41,022 --> 01:10:43,684
- Where is he?
- Sulking up the hill.
889
01:10:43,791 --> 01:10:46,157
He says he won't come in
for lunch without an apology.
890
01:10:46,260 --> 01:10:48,660
Suits me. He can eat his fucking radish.
891
01:10:50,431 --> 01:10:52,331
It's all your fault.
892
01:10:52,433 --> 01:10:56,335
- You lead him astray.
- I beg your pardon, Monty.
893
01:10:56,437 --> 01:11:00,567
Don't tell me you're not aware of it.
I know what you're up to, and so do you.
894
01:11:00,675 --> 01:11:04,167
- Sherry?
- Sherry? Oh, dear, no, no, no.
895
01:11:04,278 --> 01:11:08,840
I'd be sucked into his trap. One
of us has got to stay on guard.
896
01:11:08,950 --> 01:11:12,113
He's so mauve. We don't
know what he's planning.
897
01:11:22,663 --> 01:11:25,894
I'm preparing myself to forgive you.
898
01:11:27,869 --> 01:11:30,804
I think you've been punished enough.
899
01:11:32,540 --> 01:11:35,907
I think we'd better release
you from the legumes...
900
01:11:36,010 --> 01:11:38,501
and transfer your talents to the meat.
901
01:11:45,987 --> 01:11:48,820
You shouldn't treat each other so badly.
902
01:11:48,923 --> 01:11:52,017
This boy's been out there
frozen to the marrow,
903
01:11:52,126 --> 01:11:54,526
and you just sit in here drinking.
904
01:11:54,629 --> 01:11:58,759
Come along. He's going to revitalize himself,
and you're going to finish the vegetables.
905
01:11:58,866 --> 01:12:01,300
- I don't know how to do them.
- Well, of course you don't.
906
01:12:01,402 --> 01:12:03,802
You are incapable of indulging
in anything but pleasure.
907
01:12:03,905 --> 01:12:06,840
Am I not right? You don't
deserve such loyalty.
908
01:12:06,941 --> 01:12:11,571
Now, come along. I'm going to
teach you how to peel a potato.
909
01:12:16,918 --> 01:12:20,149
Isn't it stimulating, getting back
to a basic sort of life for a while?
910
01:12:20,254 --> 01:12:23,018
- Yes.
- Surrounded by trees and nature,
911
01:12:23,124 --> 01:12:26,116
one feels a glorious
stirring of the senses...
912
01:12:26,227 --> 01:12:28,525
a rejection of poisonous inhibition...
913
01:12:28,629 --> 01:12:31,120
and a fecund motion of the soul.
914
01:12:31,232 --> 01:12:36,295
Except, of course, the problems tend
to take the edge off the pleasure.
915
01:12:36,404 --> 01:12:40,898
I mean, with no proper facilities.
916
01:12:41,008 --> 01:12:44,705
All the glorious trials
of youth, dear boy.
917
01:12:44,812 --> 01:12:50,478
When I was a lad, I'd rocket off on my tandem
with Wrigglesworth, and we'd just ride and ride.
918
01:12:50,585 --> 01:12:55,352
And at night we'd find
some barn and fall asleep,
919
01:12:55,456 --> 01:12:59,017
with the perfumes of
nature sighing on our skin.
920
01:12:59,126 --> 01:13:02,653
Would it be in bad form
to plagiarize a toast?
921
01:13:02,763 --> 01:13:05,596
It depends entirely on
the quality of the wine.
922
01:13:05,700 --> 01:13:08,965
In this instance, it
most certainly would not.
923
01:13:09,070 --> 01:13:13,632
In that case, to a delightful
weekend in the country.
924
01:13:13,741 --> 01:13:15,641
Oh, splendid!
925
01:13:19,514 --> 01:13:22,312
We expected a volley of
argument concerning Mr. Redgrave.
926
01:13:22,416 --> 01:13:26,079
- We're forgetting about Jake...
- Not another word.
927
01:13:26,187 --> 01:13:28,382
Not another word. Jake can wait too.
928
01:13:28,489 --> 01:13:31,947
Jake isn't a friend, Monty. I'd
hoped to avoid telling you this,
929
01:13:32,059 --> 01:13:34,823
but there's a psychotic on
the prowl outside this house.
930
01:13:34,929 --> 01:13:38,763
Ask him if I exaggerate. He's
threatened us, and he's dangerous.
931
01:13:38,866 --> 01:13:40,891
Is this true?
932
01:13:41,002 --> 01:13:44,062
Well, there's this
local type hanging about.
933
01:13:44,171 --> 01:13:48,631
A poacher. We got into a tiff, and
he threatened me with a dead fish.
934
01:13:48,743 --> 01:13:51,507
Yes, it was rather amusing, actually.
935
01:13:51,612 --> 01:13:54,809
When you came in, we thought it was him.
936
01:13:54,916 --> 01:13:59,012
And we thought that you
cleaning your boots...
937
01:13:59,120 --> 01:14:01,020
was him sharpening his knife.
938
01:14:03,824 --> 01:14:06,952
Oh, how delicious.
939
01:14:07,061 --> 01:14:10,588
Mmm, more meat?
940
01:14:10,698 --> 01:14:13,166
No, thank you. I'll go out for a walk.
941
01:14:13,267 --> 01:14:17,294
Oh, wait for us to finish,
dear boy. We'll all go.
942
01:14:19,740 --> 01:14:23,836
Listen, I know what you're
thinking, but I had no alternative.
943
01:14:23,945 --> 01:14:26,709
The old bugger's come a long way, and
I didn't want to put the wind up him.
944
01:14:26,814 --> 01:14:28,975
Your sensitivity overwhelms me.
945
01:14:29,083 --> 01:14:32,610
If you think you're gonna have a
weekend's indulgence at his expense,
946
01:14:32,720 --> 01:14:35,280
which means him having a
weekend's indulgence at my expense,
947
01:14:35,389 --> 01:14:37,619
- you've got another thing coming.
- I give you my word.
948
01:14:37,725 --> 01:14:40,489
- We'll leave first thing tomorrow morning.
- Tomorrow? What about tonight?
949
01:14:40,595 --> 01:14:42,995
- He's not gonna try anything.
- Of course he is!
950
01:14:43,097 --> 01:14:46,931
- He means business.
- Anyway, he sent me out to tell you coffee's ready.
951
01:14:47,034 --> 01:14:50,435
I couldn't drink it. I've got a
cramp in the mouth from grinning.
952
01:14:50,538 --> 01:14:53,006
- Well, stop smiling at him.
- I can't help it.
953
01:14:53,107 --> 01:14:56,201
I'm so uptight with
him, I can't stop myself.
954
01:14:58,379 --> 01:15:02,179
"Laisse-moir respirir,
955
01:15:02,249 --> 01:15:07,152
longtemps longtemps L
'odeur de tes cheveux. "
956
01:15:07,254 --> 01:15:10,417
Ah, Baudelaire.
957
01:15:10,524 --> 01:15:14,187
Brings back such memories of Oxford!
958
01:15:14,295 --> 01:15:16,286
Oh, Oxford!
959
01:15:16,397 --> 01:15:19,924
Followed by yet another anecdote
about his sensitive crimes...
960
01:15:20,034 --> 01:15:22,195
in a punt with a chap called Norman...
961
01:15:22,303 --> 01:15:24,203
who had red hair and a book of poetry...
962
01:15:24,305 --> 01:15:26,432
stained with the butter
drips from crumpets.
963
01:15:26,540 --> 01:15:29,634
I often wonder where Norman is now.
964
01:15:29,744 --> 01:15:32,042
Probably wintering with
his mother in Guildford.
965
01:15:32,146 --> 01:15:34,046
A cat and rain.
966
01:15:34,148 --> 01:15:36,048
Vim under the sink.
967
01:15:36,150 --> 01:15:39,176
And both bars on.
968
01:15:39,286 --> 01:15:42,187
But old now... old.
969
01:15:42,289 --> 01:15:44,951
There can be no true
beauty without decay.
970
01:15:45,059 --> 01:15:50,554
"A requiem for England. "
- How right you are. How right you are.
971
01:15:50,665 --> 01:15:54,157
We live in a kingdom of rains...
972
01:15:54,268 --> 01:15:58,068
where royalty comes in gangs.
973
01:15:58,172 --> 01:16:01,505
Come on, lads. Let's get home.
The sky is beginning to bruise.
974
01:16:01,609 --> 01:16:05,136
Night must fall, and we
shall be forced to camp.
975
01:16:06,781 --> 01:16:09,341
He's not in my room, all right?
That's the condition, all right?
976
01:16:09,450 --> 01:16:11,918
- All right.
- I want the room with the lock. Agree to that, or I'm off.
977
01:16:12,019 --> 01:16:13,919
All right. All right.
978
01:16:21,328 --> 01:16:25,264
Good ol'Jake, eh? I told you. He's back.
979
01:16:25,366 --> 01:16:28,267
And that's precisely the
reason I'm off to London.
980
01:16:28,369 --> 01:16:31,065
Let's all have a good
laugh, eh, Withnail?
981
01:16:31,172 --> 01:16:34,266
Good ol'Jake is back.
982
01:16:34,375 --> 01:16:36,809
He's going away. He's leaving.
983
01:16:36,911 --> 01:16:40,108
Come on. Let's pack up and get
out of here before it gets dark.
984
01:16:57,598 --> 01:17:01,329
"Here hare, here. "
985
01:17:02,436 --> 01:17:04,700
"Here hare, here. "
986
01:17:04,805 --> 01:17:06,705
Good ol'Jake.
987
01:17:16,050 --> 01:17:21,010
Ace bets. Ace bets two
and it's over to you.
988
01:17:21,088 --> 01:17:24,785
Your two and up two.
989
01:17:24,892 --> 01:17:26,792
- Mmm.
- So that's four?
990
01:17:26,894 --> 01:17:29,089
That's four.
991
01:17:31,031 --> 01:17:36,594
- Four.
- This is for the raise. We'll see the two.
992
01:17:36,704 --> 01:17:39,639
Now, last card up.
993
01:17:39,740 --> 01:17:41,765
"Looking a bit lonely, isn't he?"
994
01:17:41,876 --> 01:17:44,902
" He needs a queen to
come to the rescue. "
995
01:17:47,381 --> 01:17:50,111
And... oh!
996
01:17:53,087 --> 01:17:55,647
There she is.
997
01:17:55,756 --> 01:17:59,192
Oh!
998
01:18:03,430 --> 01:18:06,558
Well, it's the two queens to beat.
999
01:18:20,581 --> 01:18:22,776
Another hand?
1000
01:18:26,654 --> 01:18:29,623
I think we'd better get him to bed.
1001
01:18:29,723 --> 01:18:32,157
No, no. He's down here.
1002
01:18:34,528 --> 01:18:36,758
You're in my room, I'm in
his room and he's down here.
1003
01:18:36,864 --> 01:18:40,960
I wouldn't dream of depriving the dear fellow
of his bed, especially in that condition.
1004
01:18:41,068 --> 01:18:43,764
- But it's agreed. It's what he wants.
- No, I don't.
1005
01:18:43,871 --> 01:18:45,771
I wanna get to bed.
1006
01:18:47,341 --> 01:18:50,310
All right then, lovey.
Let's get you to bed.
1007
01:18:50,411 --> 01:18:52,845
Early night will do us both good.
1008
01:18:54,982 --> 01:18:59,078
- Night-night, then,
Monty. - I want to be alone!
1009
01:19:01,856 --> 01:19:03,756
I wanna be alone.
1010
01:19:26,213 --> 01:19:28,773
I think he'd better sleep alone tonight.
1011
01:19:30,918 --> 01:19:35,355
- He doesn't want to sleep with you.
- Right.
1012
01:19:35,456 --> 01:19:38,948
Well, you're in there,
1013
01:19:39,059 --> 01:19:41,527
and I'll take these
and I'll have the couch.
1014
01:19:43,030 --> 01:19:45,464
I'll say good night, then, Monty.
1015
01:19:45,566 --> 01:19:49,798
You already have... twice.
1016
01:20:18,399 --> 01:20:21,960
What is it, Monty? I'm terribly
tired. I need to go to sleep.
1017
01:20:22,069 --> 01:20:25,505
But not that tired, eh?
1018
01:20:30,644 --> 01:20:35,638
- Are you a sponge or a stone?
- What do you mean?
1019
01:20:35,749 --> 01:20:39,241
Do you like to experience
all facets of life?
1020
01:20:39,353 --> 01:20:42,845
Or do you shut yourself
off from new experience?
1021
01:20:42,957 --> 01:20:45,221
- I voted Conservative.
- Are you faithful?
1022
01:20:45,326 --> 01:20:48,762
- To whom?
- Faithfulness isn't selective.
1023
01:20:48,862 --> 01:20:52,798
I agree. It's more a question of
selecting to whom one will be faithful.
1024
01:20:52,900 --> 01:20:57,098
- Have you selected?
- I'm terribly tired.
1025
01:20:57,204 --> 01:21:01,140
I've been watching you all evening.
1026
01:21:01,241 --> 01:21:04,404
You've been avoiding
my eyes, haven't you?
1027
01:21:04,511 --> 01:21:06,911
- Your eyes?
- Mmm.
1028
01:21:07,014 --> 01:21:10,381
At luncheon, you couldn't
tear your gaze from mine.
1029
01:21:10,484 --> 01:21:13,044
This evening, you barely looked at me.
1030
01:21:13,153 --> 01:21:15,314
What did he say to you?
1031
01:21:15,422 --> 01:21:18,289
- Nothing.
- You can tell me.
1032
01:21:18,392 --> 01:21:21,020
I assure you, nothing, M-Monty.
1033
01:21:21,128 --> 01:21:25,030
I'm terribly tired. I need to go to bed.
1034
01:21:25,132 --> 01:21:28,067
Yes, you must, mustn't you?
1035
01:21:28,168 --> 01:21:30,796
Off you go, then.
1036
01:21:30,904 --> 01:21:32,997
I'll sleep here.
1037
01:21:33,107 --> 01:21:37,134
It won't be the first time
I've been left with the couch.
1038
01:21:54,054 --> 01:21:56,545
Boy.
1039
01:21:58,459 --> 01:22:01,257
Boy.
1040
01:22:01,361 --> 01:22:05,388
I know you're not asleep, boy.
1041
01:22:05,499 --> 01:22:09,333
But he is.
1042
01:22:09,436 --> 01:22:13,031
I've been into his room.
1043
01:22:13,140 --> 01:22:15,938
He won't hear a thing.
1044
01:22:18,912 --> 01:22:20,812
I know you're not asleep, boy.
1045
01:22:20,914 --> 01:22:24,077
No, I'm not. What is it, Monty?
1046
01:22:24,184 --> 01:22:28,143
What do you want?
1047
01:22:28,255 --> 01:22:32,089
I had to come. I tried not to.
1048
01:22:32,192 --> 01:22:34,820
Oh, how I tried not to.
1049
01:22:34,928 --> 01:22:37,226
Monty, there's something
I have to explain to you.
1050
01:22:37,331 --> 01:22:39,731
You needn't explain.
He's told me everything.
1051
01:22:39,833 --> 01:22:41,733
He told me that first
day you came to Chelsea.
1052
01:22:41,835 --> 01:22:46,363
- What's he told you?
- He told me about your arrest in the Tottenham Court Road.
1053
01:22:46,473 --> 01:22:48,941
He told me about your problems,
1054
01:22:49,042 --> 01:22:51,772
how you feel, your desires.
1055
01:22:51,879 --> 01:22:55,610
- Problems? What problems?
- You are a toilet trader.
1056
01:22:55,716 --> 01:22:58,344
- He told you that?
- You mustn't blame him.
1057
01:22:58,452 --> 01:23:02,616
You mustn't blame yourself. I know
how you feel and how difficult it is.
1058
01:23:02,723 --> 01:23:07,990
And that's why you mustn't hold back, let
it ruin your youth as I nearly did over Eric.
1059
01:23:08,095 --> 01:23:11,155
It's like a tide. Give in to it, boy.
1060
01:23:11,265 --> 01:23:15,668
Go with it. It's
society's crime, not ours.
1061
01:23:15,769 --> 01:23:18,897
- I'm not homosexual, Monty.
- Yes, you are!
1062
01:23:19,006 --> 01:23:22,737
Of course you are. You're simply
blackmailing your emotions...
1063
01:23:22,843 --> 01:23:25,505
to avoid the realities of
your relationship with him.
1064
01:23:25,612 --> 01:23:28,740
- What are you talking about?
- You love him.
1065
01:23:28,849 --> 01:23:31,249
And it isn't his fault
he cannot love you...
1066
01:23:31,351 --> 01:23:34,377
any more than it's
mine that I adore you.
1067
01:23:38,158 --> 01:23:41,321
Couldn't we allow ourselves just
this one moment of indiscretion?
1068
01:23:41,428 --> 01:23:43,328
- No!
- He need never know.
1069
01:23:43,430 --> 01:23:46,524
I don't care what he knows! Monty,
you've gotta go! You've gotta leave!
1070
01:23:46,633 --> 01:23:49,158
If you want to humiliate
me, humiliate me.
1071
01:23:49,269 --> 01:23:51,203
I adore you.
1072
01:23:51,305 --> 01:23:54,001
Tell him, if you must. I no longer care.
1073
01:23:54,107 --> 01:23:58,066
I mean to have you, even
if it must be burglary!
1074
01:23:59,913 --> 01:24:01,813
It's not me, it's him!
1075
01:24:07,855 --> 01:24:10,380
He lied to you. We're an affair.
1076
01:24:10,490 --> 01:24:13,220
We have been for years, but
he doesn't want you to know.
1077
01:24:13,327 --> 01:24:17,229
He doesn't want anybody to know. We're
both in it. We're obsessed with each other.
1078
01:24:17,331 --> 01:24:20,960
But he's ashamed. He refuses to
come out and accept what he is.
1079
01:24:21,068 --> 01:24:23,866
That's why he's rejecting
me while you're here.
1080
01:24:23,971 --> 01:24:28,738
On my life, Monty, this is the first night
we haven't slept together for six years.
1081
01:24:28,842 --> 01:24:30,867
I can't cheat on him. It would kill him.
1082
01:24:30,978 --> 01:24:34,414
But he told me you were in purgatory
because he couldn't love you.
1083
01:24:34,514 --> 01:24:37,506
He's lying. Lying!
1084
01:24:37,618 --> 01:24:41,884
Oh, my dear boy.
1085
01:24:41,989 --> 01:24:45,117
If I had known that, I would never
have attempted to come between you.
1086
01:24:45,225 --> 01:24:47,659
I know that, Monty.
1087
01:24:47,761 --> 01:24:50,229
I respect you for your sensitivity.
1088
01:24:50,330 --> 01:24:52,594
I thank you for it,
1089
01:24:52,699 --> 01:24:54,963
but you must leave.
1090
01:24:57,204 --> 01:25:00,332
Yes.
1091
01:25:00,440 --> 01:25:03,807
Yes. You'd better go to him.
1092
01:25:03,911 --> 01:25:06,106
Oh, I intend to.
1093
01:25:06,213 --> 01:25:08,340
This instant.
1094
01:25:08,782 --> 01:25:12,115
Withnail, you bastard. Wake up.
1095
01:25:12,185 --> 01:25:17,213
Wake up, you bastard, or I'll
burn this bastard bed down.
1096
01:25:17,324 --> 01:25:21,784
I deny all accusations.
What do you want?
1097
01:25:21,895 --> 01:25:24,125
I have just narrowly
avoided having a buggering.
1098
01:25:24,231 --> 01:25:27,200
I've come in here with the express
intention of wishing one on you.
1099
01:25:27,301 --> 01:25:29,861
Having said that, I now
intend to leave for London.
1100
01:25:29,970 --> 01:25:32,495
Hold on. Don't let your
imagination run away with you.
1101
01:25:32,606 --> 01:25:34,904
Imagination? I just finished
fighting a naked man.
1102
01:25:35,008 --> 01:25:37,476
How dare you tell him
I'm a toilet trader!
1103
01:25:37,577 --> 01:25:40,137
It was a tactical necessity.
1104
01:25:40,247 --> 01:25:43,080
If I hadn't told him you were active,
we'd never have got the cottage.
1105
01:25:43,183 --> 01:25:45,083
I never have wanted
it... not with him in it!
1106
01:25:45,185 --> 01:25:48,951
Geez. He'd come all this way.
1107
01:25:49,056 --> 01:25:53,356
- Monty? He'd go to New York.
- It was a calculated risk.
1108
01:25:53,460 --> 01:25:56,054
What is all this tactical
necessity and calculated risk?
1109
01:25:56,163 --> 01:25:58,859
This is me naked in a corner!
1110
01:25:58,966 --> 01:26:01,560
And how dare you tell him I love you.
1111
01:26:01,668 --> 01:26:04,501
And how dare you tell
him you rejected me.
1112
01:26:04,604 --> 01:26:07,539
- How dare you tell him that!
- Sorry about that.
1113
01:26:07,641 --> 01:26:11,008
Got a bit carried away. Sort
of said it without thinking.
1114
01:26:11,111 --> 01:26:14,638
Let me tell you something, Withnail. If
he comes into my room again, it's murder,
1115
01:26:14,748 --> 01:26:17,740
and you will be held responsible in law.
1116
01:26:23,690 --> 01:26:26,887
"Perhaps it is appropriate
justice for the eavesdropper...
1117
01:26:26,994 --> 01:26:30,361
"that he should leave as
his trade determines...
1118
01:26:30,464 --> 01:26:34,560
"in secrecy and in the dead of night.
1119
01:26:34,668 --> 01:26:38,365
- "I do sincerely hope that
you will find the happiness...
1120
01:26:38,472 --> 01:26:42,033
"which, alas, has
always been denied to me.
1121
01:26:43,977 --> 01:26:47,037
"I am yours ever faithfully,
1122
01:26:47,147 --> 01:26:49,047
Montague H. Withnail. "
1123
01:26:50,751 --> 01:26:53,185
Poor old bastard.
1124
01:26:53,286 --> 01:26:55,186
I would say...
1125
01:26:56,723 --> 01:27:00,819
that that represents
a degree of hypocrisy...
1126
01:27:00,927 --> 01:27:05,523
I've hitherto suspected in you but not
noticed, due to highly evasive skills.
1127
01:27:05,632 --> 01:27:09,591
Christ, Withnail.
You'll suffer for this.
1128
01:27:09,703 --> 01:27:12,137
What you have done will
have to be paid for.
1129
01:27:12,239 --> 01:27:14,207
I will say one thing for Monty.
1130
01:27:14,307 --> 01:27:16,502
He keeps a sensational cellar.
1131
01:27:26,319 --> 01:27:28,947
- Who's there?
- Telegram.
1132
01:27:52,946 --> 01:27:55,380
Well done.
1133
01:27:55,482 --> 01:27:59,384
Well, it doesn't mean to say I've got it.
They probably just want to see me again.
1134
01:28:02,355 --> 01:28:05,415
Well, that settles it, then.
We'll leave immediately.
1135
01:28:05,525 --> 01:28:08,289
What?
1136
01:28:08,395 --> 01:28:11,558
- Get your kit together. We're leaving in half an hour.
- Half an hour?
1137
01:28:11,665 --> 01:28:14,566
Don't be ridiculous. I need
at least an hour for lunch.
1138
01:28:23,343 --> 01:28:27,302
You've got a truck coming
up. About 200 yards.
1139
01:28:27,414 --> 01:28:31,009
Followed by a left slow hander.
1140
01:28:31,118 --> 01:28:33,951
This is insanity! I can't keep this up!
1141
01:28:34,054 --> 01:28:37,615
Stay in this lane.
Bear right. Bear right.
1142
01:28:37,724 --> 01:28:40,284
What lane? What lane? I
can't see the fucking lane.
1143
01:28:40,393 --> 01:28:42,827
Bear right! Bear right! Bear right!
1144
01:28:45,799 --> 01:28:50,202
That's it. Next garage, I've gotta
do something about that wiper.
1145
01:28:50,303 --> 01:28:54,034
And I've got to get some sleep.
1146
01:29:20,800 --> 01:29:24,201
- What's going on?
- I'm making time.
1147
01:29:38,251 --> 01:29:41,687
Are you out of your mind? Pull
over. You haven't got a license.
1148
01:29:41,788 --> 01:29:43,756
No. I'm making time.
1149
01:29:54,267 --> 01:29:56,667
- Where are we?
- We're approaching London.
1150
01:29:59,839 --> 01:30:04,105
- Here comes another fucker.
1151
01:30:12,219 --> 01:30:14,847
- Oh, no!
1152
01:30:14,955 --> 01:30:17,822
Perfectly all right. Leave him to me.
1153
01:30:17,924 --> 01:30:20,722
You're full of scotch, you silly tool.
1154
01:31:31,331 --> 01:31:34,789
A bit early in the morning
for festivities, isn't it?
1155
01:31:34,901 --> 01:31:37,199
These aren't mine. They belong to him.
1156
01:31:37,304 --> 01:31:41,104
- You're drunk.
- I assure you I'm not, officer.
1157
01:31:41,207 --> 01:31:44,472
Honestly, I've only had a few ales.
1158
01:31:44,577 --> 01:31:48,570
Out of the car... please.
1159
01:31:48,682 --> 01:31:50,582
Sir.
1160
01:31:57,624 --> 01:32:00,559
I want you to take one deep
breath and fill this bag.
1161
01:32:02,162 --> 01:32:05,859
- Are you refusing to fill this bag?
- I most certainly am.
1162
01:32:05,965 --> 01:32:09,196
- I'm placing you under arrest.
- Don't be ridiculous. I haven't done anything.
1163
01:32:09,302 --> 01:32:11,497
- Come on.
- Look here, my cousin's a QC.
1164
01:32:11,604 --> 01:32:13,504
Get in the back of the van!
1165
01:32:26,619 --> 01:32:29,019
Hey, sarge, what's that clown doing?
1166
01:33:04,824 --> 01:33:08,225
- Where's our checks?
- Didn't sign on.
1167
01:33:08,328 --> 01:33:11,559
That wouldn't make any difference
in last week's payments.
1168
01:33:39,826 --> 01:33:42,590
What are you doing in my bed?
1169
01:33:42,695 --> 01:33:47,189
- I've been asleep.
- Who is the huge spade in the bath?
1170
01:33:47,300 --> 01:33:49,700
Presuming Ed.
1171
01:33:49,803 --> 01:33:52,670
You've got ten minutes, right? I
want you out 'cause I want to get in.
1172
01:33:52,772 --> 01:33:55,400
Ten minutes, right? You
better be on your feet.
1173
01:33:58,778 --> 01:34:01,975
- How did you get in?
- Ingenuity, man.
1174
01:34:02,081 --> 01:34:04,345
Come up the drain pipe.
1175
01:34:04,451 --> 01:34:07,511
- Would you like a smoke?
- Yes.
1176
01:34:07,620 --> 01:34:10,054
No, thanks. I've got a call to make.
1177
01:34:14,561 --> 01:34:16,495
What are you gonna do with those?
1178
01:34:16,596 --> 01:34:20,930
The joint I'm about to
roll requires a craftsman.
1179
01:34:21,034 --> 01:34:23,525
It can utilize up to 12 skins.
1180
01:34:23,636 --> 01:34:26,605
It is called a Camberwell Carrot.
1181
01:34:26,706 --> 01:34:29,106
It's impossible to use
12 papers in one joint.
1182
01:34:29,209 --> 01:34:32,906
It's impossible to make a
Camberwell Carrot with anything less.
1183
01:34:33,012 --> 01:34:35,776
- Who says it's a Camberwell Carrot?
- I do.
1184
01:34:35,882 --> 01:34:39,682
I invented it in Camberwell,
and it looks like a carrot.
1185
01:34:39,786 --> 01:34:42,880
Do you realize this gaff's
overwhelmed with rodents?
1186
01:34:42,989 --> 01:34:45,549
When I come in, I seen one
the size of a fucking dog.
1187
01:34:45,658 --> 01:34:48,786
That is a dog. Belongs
to the fellow downstairs.
1188
01:34:48,895 --> 01:34:51,056
Does his dog get in the oven?
1189
01:34:51,164 --> 01:34:54,395
- No, his dog doesn't come up here.
- Then it was a rodent.
1190
01:34:54,501 --> 01:34:57,698
Opened the oven door, and it
was in there looking at me.
1191
01:34:57,804 --> 01:35:02,070
Quite freaked me at the
time. I was gonna cook onions.
1192
01:35:02,175 --> 01:35:04,370
- Are you going to bed now?
- No.
1193
01:35:04,477 --> 01:35:06,377
Phone.
1194
01:35:08,548 --> 01:35:11,540
- Who's he going to telephone?
- Squat Betty.
1195
01:35:13,019 --> 01:35:16,386
His agent. He's wasting his
time because he won't be in.
1196
01:35:40,413 --> 01:35:43,610
This'll tend to make you very high.
1197
01:35:46,853 --> 01:35:51,381
This grass is the most powerful
in the Western Hemisphere.
1198
01:35:51,491 --> 01:35:55,621
I have it specially flown
in from my man in Mexico.
1199
01:35:57,096 --> 01:35:59,394
He's an expert.
1200
01:35:59,499 --> 01:36:01,967
His name is Juan.
1201
01:36:02,068 --> 01:36:07,165
This grass grows at exactly
2,000 feet above sea level.
1202
01:36:09,409 --> 01:36:11,741
You got the part, man?
1203
01:36:16,282 --> 01:36:20,651
I got a different one. They
want me to play the lead.
1204
01:36:20,753 --> 01:36:24,587
- Congratulations.
- Where exactly have you two been?
1205
01:36:24,691 --> 01:36:28,855
- Holiday in the countryside.
- That's a very good idea.
1206
01:36:28,962 --> 01:36:31,954
London is a country
coming down from its trip.
1207
01:36:32,065 --> 01:36:36,263
We are 91 days from
the end of this decade,
1208
01:36:36,369 --> 01:36:39,497
and there's gonna be a lot of refugees.
1209
01:36:42,408 --> 01:36:46,708
They'll be goin' round this town
shoutin', "Bring out your dead. "
1210
01:36:48,982 --> 01:36:52,076
There was a geezer around here
the other day lookin' for you.
1211
01:36:52,185 --> 01:36:54,449
- What geezer?
- Some bald geezer.
1212
01:36:54,554 --> 01:36:58,888
Reckons you owe him 266 quid back rent.
1213
01:36:58,992 --> 01:37:03,986
I told him there's no question of payin'
rent on a property cut with rodents.
1214
01:37:04,097 --> 01:37:06,224
He takes exception to this.
1215
01:37:06,332 --> 01:37:08,823
Starts comin' on really bald with me.
1216
01:37:08,935 --> 01:37:12,302
- You mean ratty.
- I told him to piss off.
1217
01:37:12,405 --> 01:37:14,635
You bloody fool. We'll
end up in court again.
1218
01:37:14,741 --> 01:37:18,177
- No we won't. It ain't legal.
- I assume we can quote you.
1219
01:37:18,277 --> 01:37:21,940
The law rather appeals to me, actually.
1220
01:37:27,153 --> 01:37:30,145
Just high.
1221
01:37:31,958 --> 01:37:33,858
Stop laughing, Withnail.
This is serious.
1222
01:37:33,960 --> 01:37:37,794
No, it ain't. I looked
into it, studied the papers.
1223
01:37:37,897 --> 01:37:40,957
- What papers?
- Legal papers.
1224
01:37:41,067 --> 01:37:43,695
What papers, Danny?
1225
01:37:53,746 --> 01:37:56,977
He's got our checks. What
are you doing with these?
1226
01:37:57,083 --> 01:38:00,712
I was gonna cash 'em in for you.
1227
01:38:08,828 --> 01:38:12,821
For Christ's sake, Withnail, stop
laughing. This is a notice of eviction.
1228
01:38:19,939 --> 01:38:22,237
Will you stop laughing?
They wanna throw us out.
1229
01:38:24,544 --> 01:38:27,945
For God... Will you shut up, for
God's sake? You're giving me the fear.
1230
01:38:28,047 --> 01:38:30,106
Give me a downer, Danny.
My brain's capsizing.
1231
01:38:30,216 --> 01:38:32,343
- I've gone and fucked my brain!
- Change, man.
1232
01:38:32,452 --> 01:38:35,853
Find your neutral
space. You've got a rush.
1233
01:38:35,955 --> 01:38:39,118
It will pass. Be seated.
1234
01:38:45,998 --> 01:38:47,898
Aren't you getting absurdly high?
1235
01:38:48,000 --> 01:38:51,367
Precisely the reason I'm smokin' it.
1236
01:38:56,642 --> 01:38:58,667
I couldn't. I'm spaced.
1237
01:38:58,778 --> 01:39:00,803
Not as spaced as your rodents.
1238
01:39:00,913 --> 01:39:05,043
- Don't talk about them.
- I imagine they're talkin' to each other.
1239
01:39:07,453 --> 01:39:09,887
- What do you mean?
- I've dealt with 'em.
1240
01:39:09,989 --> 01:39:11,889
Dealt with 'em. What
the fuck do you mean?
1241
01:39:11,991 --> 01:39:15,654
Dosed 'em. I expect
they're dead down the drain.
1242
01:39:15,762 --> 01:39:18,731
Dead down the drain? What
have you done to them?
1243
01:39:18,831 --> 01:39:22,289
Given them all drugged onions.
1244
01:39:22,401 --> 01:39:25,234
Jesus Christ! Why have
you drugged their onions?
1245
01:39:25,338 --> 01:39:28,501
Sit down, man. Take control.
1246
01:39:28,608 --> 01:39:31,338
Give me a Valium. I'm getting the fear!
1247
01:39:31,444 --> 01:39:33,742
You have done something to your brain.
1248
01:39:33,846 --> 01:39:35,746
You have made it high.
1249
01:39:35,848 --> 01:39:40,785
If I lay ten mils of Diazepam on you,
you will do something else to your brain.
1250
01:39:40,887 --> 01:39:45,085
You will make it low. Why trust
one drug and not the other?
1251
01:39:45,191 --> 01:39:47,091
That's politics, isn't it?
1252
01:39:47,193 --> 01:39:49,093
I'm gonna eat some sugar.
1253
01:39:50,696 --> 01:39:53,426
I recommend you smoke some more grass.
1254
01:39:53,533 --> 01:39:56,161
No way. No fucking way.
1255
01:39:56,269 --> 01:39:59,568
That is an unfortunate
political decision,
1256
01:39:59,672 --> 01:40:02,072
reflectin' these times.
1257
01:40:09,248 --> 01:40:11,808
- What are you talking about, Danny?
- Politics, man.
1258
01:40:11,918 --> 01:40:14,443
If you were hanging
on to a rising balloon,
1259
01:40:14,554 --> 01:40:17,216
you're presented with
a difficult decision...
1260
01:40:17,323 --> 01:40:19,689
let go before it's too late?
1261
01:40:19,792 --> 01:40:21,783
Or hang on and keep getting higher?
1262
01:40:21,894 --> 01:40:26,524
Posing the question, how long
can you keep a grip on the rope?
1263
01:40:28,467 --> 01:40:31,163
They're sellin' hippie
wigs in Woolworth's, man.
1264
01:40:32,705 --> 01:40:36,869
The greatest decade in the
history of mankind is over.
1265
01:40:38,744 --> 01:40:42,771
And as Presuming Ed here has
so consistently pointed out...
1266
01:40:43,883 --> 01:40:47,080
we have failed to paint it black.
1267
01:41:37,136 --> 01:41:40,196
My Dad'll pick up the boxes in a week.
1268
01:41:40,306 --> 01:41:42,570
And he's gonna do
something about the car.
1269
01:41:44,677 --> 01:41:46,668
- I'm off now.
- Already?
1270
01:41:46,779 --> 01:41:49,304
But I've got us a bottle open.
1271
01:41:51,050 --> 01:41:53,416
I confiscated it from Monty's supplies.
1272
01:41:54,587 --> 01:41:57,715
'53 Margaux. Best of the century.
1273
01:41:58,991 --> 01:42:01,289
I'm sure he wouldn't
resent us a parting drink.
1274
01:42:01,394 --> 01:42:04,557
I can't, Withnail. I've gotta
walk to the station. I'll be late.
1275
01:42:04,664 --> 01:42:07,792
- There's always time for a drink.
- No.
1276
01:42:07,900 --> 01:42:10,232
I don't have the time.
1277
01:42:10,336 --> 01:42:13,999
All right. I'll walk
with you through the park.
1278
01:42:16,008 --> 01:42:18,408
We can drink it on the way.
1279
01:42:26,519 --> 01:42:29,044
No. No more, thank you.
1280
01:42:29,155 --> 01:42:31,646
Listen, Withnail. It's a
stinker. Why don't you go back?
1281
01:42:31,757 --> 01:42:34,692
- Because I wanna walk you to the station.
- Well, don't.
1282
01:42:34,794 --> 01:42:37,262
Please don't.
1283
01:42:37,363 --> 01:42:39,422
I really don't want you to.
1284
01:42:48,474 --> 01:42:51,932
I shall miss you, Withnail.
1285
01:42:52,044 --> 01:42:56,674
I shall miss you too. Chin-chin.
1286
01:43:15,134 --> 01:43:18,695
"I have of late, but
wherefore I know not,
1287
01:43:18,804 --> 01:43:21,568
"lost all my mirth.
1288
01:43:21,674 --> 01:43:26,111
"And indeed it goes so
heavily with my disposition...
1289
01:43:26,212 --> 01:43:28,612
"that this goodly frame the earth...
1290
01:43:28,714 --> 01:43:32,172
"seems to me a sterile promontory.
1291
01:43:35,321 --> 01:43:38,779
"It's a most excellent canopy, the air.
1292
01:43:38,891 --> 01:43:43,351
"Look you, this brave,
o'er hanging firmament.
1293
01:43:43,462 --> 01:43:47,455
"This majestical roof
fretted with golden fire.
1294
01:43:47,566 --> 01:43:49,761
"Why, it appeareth nothing to me...
1295
01:43:49,869 --> 01:43:54,966
"but a foul and pestilent
congregation of vapors.
1296
01:43:55,074 --> 01:43:57,668
"What a piece of work is a man,
1297
01:43:57,777 --> 01:44:00,109
"how noble in reason,
1298
01:44:00,212 --> 01:44:02,942
"how infinite in faculties,
1299
01:44:03,049 --> 01:44:05,574
"how like an angel in apprehension.
1300
01:44:05,684 --> 01:44:08,084
"How like a god!
1301
01:44:08,187 --> 01:44:10,451
"The beauty of the world:
1302
01:44:10,556 --> 01:44:13,582
"Paragon of animals:
1303
01:44:13,692 --> 01:44:18,720
"Yet to me, what is this
quintessence of dust?
1304
01:44:18,831 --> 01:44:21,459
"Man delights not me.
1305
01:44:21,567 --> 01:44:25,867
"No, nor women neither.
1306
01:44:25,971 --> 01:44:28,565
Nor women neither. "
108006
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