All language subtitles for Daffy.Ducks.Quackbusters.1988.1080p.WEBRip.x265-RARBG-English

[♪♪]

[♪♪]

DAFFY: "And then, Nose-man takes the ax

and chops his way into the
city's inner sanctum."

And then what? Then what?

Ah! Here it is. Nose-man says:

"This place is malodorous.
Chock full of malignancies."

Gads, this comic's a real page-turner.

It's slopping over with gripping suspense.

Let's see now, let's see. Uh, Nosey says:

"Do my nostrils detect the
overpowering stench

of a prehistoric monster?"

He turns around and--

Ah! Smogzilla.

"Story continued in Hideous
Tales, Issue Number 177.

Gee, that's nice.

"Story continued in Hideous Tales 177"?

Where is it? Where is it?

It's a veritable collector's item.

[♪♪]

[♪♪]

Quick, you're on in five seconds.

What? Who? Where? Huh?

[BUZZING]

[GROANING]

Gee, tough audience.

[FEEDBACK WAILS]

[AS MEL TORME] ♪ Mi-mi-mi-mi
Do-re-mi-fa-so-la-ti-do ♪

Hmm.

[SCATTING]

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Say, this
stuff works great.

Take it, Ghoulie.

[PIANO PLAYING]

[AS MEL TORME] ♪ They're
drenched in blood Or caked with mud ♪

♪ You yell and scream When one
of them arrives ♪

♪ There is no denying ♪

♪ Monsters lead Such interesting lives ♪

♪ They live in ooze ♪

♪ They've paid their dues ♪

♪ No brothers, sisters Moms or
dads or wives ♪

♪ Honest, I'm not lying ♪

♪ Monsters lead Such interesting lives ♪

[HOWLING]

♪ When you see them
Coming down the street ♪

♪ You better not have weights
Tied to your feet ♪

♪ They'll steal your heart ♪

♪ Tear you apart ♪

♪ Limb from limb ♪

♪ On a whim They'll suck your brains ♪

♪ And eat your remains ♪

They'll slice you up With
little forks and knives ♪

♪ They're never merry ♪

♪ They're oh so scary ♪

♪ Monsters lead Such interesting lives ♪

♪ They're independent fellas ♪

♪ They don't live Nnine-to-fives ♪

♪ Monsters lead Such interesting lives ♪

[CHEERING]

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Thank you. Thank you.

So are you folks enjoying yourselves?

[ALL CHUCKLE]

Hi, Frankie. How's the missus?

[HISSES]

Look, it's mummy dearest.

Still all wrapped up in yourself, I see.

[CHUCKLES]

And-- Whoa, it appears we have
a celebrity in our midst.

That 22-ton terror of Tokyo town,

that towering colossus of
scaly reptilian bulk.

Of course, I'm talking about--

Throw a spot on him, would you, fellas?

Smogzilla!

So, Smog baby, leveled any
major cities lately?

You know, folks,

Smogzilla's just like any unemployed actor.

Except that when he pounds the pavement,

it registers a 10 on the Richter scale.

[GROWLS]

Aw. What's the matter?

The public not buying those
cheap special effects anymore?

[GROWLING]

[DAFFY SCREAMING]

[SIGHS]

A dream. It was all a dream.

Heh-heh-heh. Smogzilla.

You was expecting maybe Calvin Coolidge?

[♪♪]

[♪♪]

[♪♪]

[♪♪]

[DAFFY SCATTING]

DAFFY: Right this way, folks.
Right this way.

It's a bargain at any price.

Step right up and get yourself
a brand-new DeLorean.

No household should be without one.

Just $60,000 in three easy
weekly installments.

Yes, sir, these little babies
are selling like hotcakes.

Plus, there's a free six-pack
of ice-cold Billy Beer

with every purchase.

They're sturdy, they're dependable,

they're factory fresh.

They're-- They're--

Hmm. Slightly used. They're--

[DOG BARKS]

[♪♪]

Sticky Glue.

So strong it can suspend this
cow from an iron girder.

[MOOS]

And so easy to use.

Just place between
the thumb and forefinger,

gently squeeze, and--

And, uh, it really sticks.

Uh, like that there.

[MOOS]

[♪♪]

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

I represent the Excelsior Appliance

and Appurtenance Company

with a complete line
of household appliances

[STAMMERING] and appurt--

Is the lady of the house in?

MAN: No!

[♪♪]

DAFFY: Here you are, folks.

Step right up. Step right up.

My company has authorized me
to offer, at slashed prices,

this complete line of laugh provokers.

The little gem flower squirter.

Now, don't crowd. Don't crowd.

Well, isn't anybody gonna crowd?

Anybody?

How about a Joe Miller joke book?

Eh. Laughs galore.

Ajax rib-tickler, ma'am. Amuse
your boyfriend.

It's used like a--

It's nice.

Special price on Chicken
Inspector badge, sir.

It's only 13 cents.

Amuse your friends with a
200-volt electric hand buzzer.

It's shocking.

MAN [ON TV]: We interrupt this program

for the latest news on the health of tycoon

and financier, J.P. Cubish.

Special bulletin. J.P. Cubish,
the multimillionaire,

is in a critical condition.

The ailing buzz-saw baron,

who has not laughed in 50 years,

has been quoted saying he'd
give a million dollars

for one good laugh before he passes on.

Suffering succotash, what am I waiting for?

I'll make that old sad sack
bust a seam laughing.

Hmm. Imposing-looking pile.

[DOORBELL BUZZES]

Yes?

Your troubles are over, Jeeves.

Lead me to your stricken master.

Be gone.

Can't go in, huh? Uh, no.

Oh, well, no hard feelings. Shake.

[YELLS]

Cigarette?

[LAUGHING]

Oh, you can see him. You can see him.

[LAUGHS]

Right this way.

And that's just a sample.

Just a sample, Ruggles,

of what I can do for your master.

Through here, sir.

Thank you, boy.

[SPLASH]

Watch that first step,
Meadows. It's a dilly.

♪ Singing in the bathtub La-da-dee-dah ♪

I was a bit dusty.

Zenith Little Giant Wall-Scaler.

[GARBLED] What did you do to my teeth?

What--?

[THUD]

[♪♪]

[CRASH]

[DOORBELL BUZZES]

[LIQUID SLOSHES]

Pop!

[IMITATES DRAINING SOUND]

Skol. Skol.

[BUTLER GROWLS]

[DAFFY YELPING]

Gulp.

Gulp.

Whoops! How are things in Glocca Mora?

Once and for all, I'm going to--

Not so fast, my man Godfrey.

It becomes increasingly apparent
that I'm not wanted around here.

Are we to assume that there is
anything significant

in this attitude of yours?

That A, a butler might not want his master

to recover his good health?

But I-- That B,

said butler should endeavor to
remove from the premises

the only person capable of restoring

said health to said master?

No, no.

Where were you the night of April the 16th?

I-- I--

A likely story.

I see it all now. You
and the upstairs maid.

"Do the old boy in," you said.

"Elderberry wine and old lace," you said.

Then, "The quick getaway," you said.

Rio de Janeiro, tropical nights, romance,

and a heavy bank account.

No. No. Yes. Yes.

But you weren't smart enough,
John, alias Johnnie.

Alias Jack.

Alias Jackie. Phew.

What's Humphrey
Bogart got that I ain't got?

But I-- But you--

But just to show you I'm not all copper

I'm gonna give you a 10-minute head start.

But I-- Don't try to fight me now.

Hurry, they're on your trail!

Run! Out this way!

Aah!

And stay on the straight and narrow.

Now to business. Lace your corset, J.P.

Here I come.

Mm-hm. Hmm.

Don't worry, gramps.

We'll have you fixed up in a jiffy.

[CHUCKLES]

[LAUGHING]

What's that for, bub? I
haven't even started yet.

What's the matter? You see anything green?

Any flies on me?

[LAUGHING]

[LAUGHING]

[LAUGHING]

[LAUGHING]

[♪♪]

"And to my beloved mascot, Daffy Duck,

"who has given me much solace
in my final days,

"I leave the bulk of my financial assets

"with the provision that
Daffy use the money

"to exemplify the highest spirit

"of American free enterprise

and display honesty in all
business affairs."

[LAUGHING]

Woo-hoo! Success at last.

[LAUGHS]

♪ I'm in the money I'm in the money ♪

♪ I've got a lot of What it
takes to get along ♪

Ah, upward mobility.

The smell of it.

Gads, that Cubish. What a rube.

[CHANTING] Honesty in business affairs

Honesty in business affairs

How corny can you get? I mean,
what's he gonna do?

He can't take it with him.

[THUNDER CRASHING]

CUBISH: Oh, no?

[CUBISH CACKLES]

Cubish.

[♪♪]

What? No.

Cut it out, would you?

CUBISH: You must use the money
for good in the world.

Yeah, use it for good.

Strange that you should mention that.

My very intention.

You took the words right out of my mouth.

CUBISH: You must provide a
service to the community.

Yup. Uh-huh. Sure, sure. Community service.

It's the American way.

Sheesh. What a hypocrite. What a gyp.

Community service, huh? I'll
give him community service.

I'll see to it that ingrate ghosts

are wiped from the face of the Earth.

I'll rid the world of
disgusting ectoplasmic slime

like J.P. Cubish.

[THUNDER CRASHES]

Uh, nice ectoplasmic
slime like J.P. Cubish.

Phew.

Quite artistic, if I do say so myself.

Things are really looking up.

Nice new office, appropriate decor

and me, set to embark

on a potentially lucrative
business endeavor.

[INHALES DEEPLY]

[COUGHS]

Yup, the supernatural is a wide-open field.

There are crackpots out there

who think they've seen
a spook or something.

It's supply and demand.

They supply the ghosts and I
demand the money.

All of which is safely ensconced herein.

Sixteen million, 17...

[MUTTERING]

Twenty-six, 27.

Okay, it's all here. What's
left of it, anyway.

Now all I need is some
underlings to boss around.

After all, somebody's gotta do
the dirty work.

Which reminds me, where is
that stupid rabbit?

He was supposed to be here an hour ago.

Thinks he's such a big star.

[THUNDER CRASHES]

Not again. Eek!

What'd I say? What'd I say?

I know, I know.

It was what I said about the rabbit, right?

Well, I take it back. He's a swell rabbit.

He'll be a valued and trusted associate.

All right, all right, I'll
make him vice president.

Cubish! I'll get you yet!

Well, seeing is believing.

"Daffy Duck, paranormalist."

That's right. Paranormalist.

We'll be a pair of paranormalists. Get it?

Perhaps you were wondering why
I called you here today.

Well, actually, I was just in
the neighborhood, and I--

You couldn't wait to lend your support

to my little crusade against the undead.

I tell you, it's a crisis of
epidemic proportions.

All these vampires,

zombies and men from Mars traipsing about.

The streets aren't safe.

Something's got to be done about it.

Okay, okay, but why me?

It's your civic responsibility.

The public will listen to you.

A veritable paragon of
wholesome family entertainment.

Eck! Gee, I don't know.

This was supposed to be my vacation, and--

Vacation, did you say?

We offer marvelous travel opportunities.

Palm Springs?

Well, uh, close to it anyway.

How's the Bermuda Triangle?
We'll see what we can do.

Hmm. He looks cool-headed enough.

Time to test his mettle

under honest-to-goodness field conditions.

I'll give him the treatment.

[GROWLING]

Gasp.

[YAWNS]

[PANTING]

So is it a deal?

Sure, sure. Just call me if you need me.

And by the way, you never looked lovelier.

Heh-heh. I love these
novelty accoutrements.

They're a riot at parties.

But I wonder if that rabbit

will be able to cut the mustard.

Perhaps he needs a little backup.

Now, for some creative recruitment tactics.

Porky Pig, huh?

Well, you couldn't ask for a
better pigeon than that.

DAFFY: And then there are the
numerous fringe benefits,

such as our generous employee
insurance policies.

You may rest assured that if
anything happens to you

I'll be well taken care of.

So, are you in?

Oh, why, yes, Mr. Duck.

I would dearly love to join forces

with your brave band of a para--

Of ghost exterminators.

Do you think you have what it takes?

Oh, uh, yes, sir.

I'll give him the acid test.

Oh, and one more thing.

Anyone that works with me
should never get me riled.

Oh, and why not?

Because I'm a split personality.

That's why not. I'm two people in one.

A schiz-- A schizophreniac.

When people are nice to me,
I'm sweet, gentle and loving.

[IN FRENCH ACCENT] Hello,
baby. Nice, fat little butterball.

Oh, heh, now, stop.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] But when some
wise guy starts pushing me around,

look out.

I turn into a hideous monster.

[PANTING]

[GROWLING]

[CRASHING]

Get the idea, buster?

I do. I do. Indeed, I do.

And I'll be real nice and kind
and gentle to you.

[DAFFY GROWLS THEN PORKY SCREAMS]

[STAMMERING]

[LAUGHING]

Oh, brother. Have I got this chump going.

What a knucklehead,

falling for that split-
personality monster gag.

That treacherous trickster.

I'll show him who's a knucklehead.

I'll give him a dose of his own medicine.

I hope I look scary enough.

[LAUGHS]

Well, I think I'll go scare
some more daylights

out of the little butterball.

[PANTING]

Suffering catfish.

I didn't realize I was that hideous.

I'm not.

[PANTING]

[SCREAMS]

PORKY: Heh-heh. Gosh, what a scaredy-cat.

Anybody who'd be scared of a
masquerade costume

is a craven little coward.

[SCREAMS]

Take it easy, fat stuff. I was
just testing you.

Good news. You got the job.

[CRASH]

You passed with flying colors.

You are too kind.

[PHONE RINGING]

Hello. Daffy Duck, Bugs Bunny,
and Porky Pig,

paranormalists at large.

Porky Pig speaking.

Yes. Why, yes, we do. [PHONE RINGING]

We'd be happy to send
you our free brochure.

Daffy Duck's the name, the
supernatural's my game.

What's that? You say the Loch Ness monster

is living in your Jacuzzi?

Well, call Roto-Rooter.

Huh, crank call.

All I can say is,

never underestimate the power of the media.

The phone's been ringing off the hook

ever since we started advertising on TV.

What the--? Now, how did he get in here?

How many times do I have to tell you?

No pets in the office.

Why don't you ever listen to me?

You got wax in your ears? I--

[THUNDER CRASHES] Ooh!

Eeps!

I've heard of deflation, but
this is preposterous.

Cease. Desist.

Wait, I get you.

I gotta be nicer to my slave labor, right?

Chubby over there.

I thought so. Say no more.

I'll treat him with kid gloves.

Sorry, Snuggles. I didn't mean
to startle you.

I may be in the chips

but I don't forget the little people

I've stepped on along the way.

I'll give you a raise. Two raises.

Bonuses galore. I'll-- Oops!

Okay, that's it. Get out of here.

Why, I ought to--

What a sweet little fellow we are.

But my, don't we look peaked?

Sort of wan and sallow-like.

How thoughtless of me to have
left you cooped up

in this stuffy old office.

[YOWLS] There now.

Here's a nice spacious window ledge

for you to stretch out on.

[PIGEONS COOING]

[STAMMERING]

Pardon me, Your Eminence. I have some pap--

Some correspondence for you to sign.

Quiet. Our commercial's coming on.

MAN [ON TV]:
--and your entire family.

Hello, folks.

I don't know about you, but as for me,

there's nothing more upsetting

than having a bunch of
unwelcome ghosts and ghouls

clanking around the house.

Did you ever have one of those mornings

when you wake up to a whole series

of unexplainable phenomena?

Hey. Hey, hey, what's up, doc?

What--? Aah!

What's going on around here?
Where did--? Aah!

Where am I, anyway?

[SCREAMS]

If you've ever had this problem--

And who hasn't?

--just call Daffy Duck, Bugs
Bunny and Porky Pig,

paranormalists at large.

Spooks spooked, goblins gobbled,

UFOs KO'd, aliens alienated,

vampires evaporated and
monsters remonstrated.

Just call 555-5925.

Remember, that's the same as
dialing 555-KWAK.

A masterpiece.

Even better the 47th time you see it.

But too bad the rabbit had to
overact so much.

[♪♪]

[♪♪]

[CACKLING]

[CHUCKLES]

[PIGEONS COOING]

[♪♪]

[PANTS]

Just being a pussycat is a constant hazard.

[♪♪]

Phew! They still haven't perfected flying.

I thought I saw a pussycat.

I'd better hide,

or that bad old pussycat gonna get me.

[♪♪]

[CACKLES]

No use hiding, bird.

I know you're around here somewhere.

[CACKLES]

You bad old pussycat.

[CACKLES]

[♪♪]

[CACKLING]

Open up. Open up, I say.

Open this door or I'll knock it down.

[CRASH]

[♪♪]

I'll jump! I've got a choice? Aah!

Fly! Fly faster!

Fly harder! Fly! Fly!

He's a killer! Help!
Save me! Aah! Aah! Aah!

Save me! He's a killer! Help!

Ha! I gotcha.

And just to make sure you don't get out

and that goon don't get in,

I'm locking the door and
tossing the key out the window.

There.

And now, for that Tweety
sandwich I've been dreaming of.

Stop squirming.

I can't stand a sore loser.

Now for a little seasoning.

There's cloves,

Tabasco sauce,

mustard...

What? No ketchup?

Well, I guess I'll just have
to eat you without ketch--

Help! Open the door!

Help! I'm locked in with a killer!

Aah! Help! Help!

Aah! Aah! Aah! Help!

Help! Save me! Aah! Aah! Aah!

Save me! He's a killer! Help!

Sylvester.

Most outrageous exhibition of
wanton cowardice.

Tsk, tsk, tsk. Shameful.

Yeah, shameful.

Tsk, tsk, tsk.

Sylvester, now, where have you been?

What's gotten into you?

He's a complete basket case.

One word.

Rhinoceros?

Quasimodo?

Monster.

Why, that's just a little old canary bird

fluttering in the breeze.

You yellow dog of a
cowardly Sylvester, you.

[PHONE RINGING]

Now, Sylvester, come on off of there.

Yes, yes?

Hmm. Yes. You ought to be declawed,

you silly ninny, you.

Okay, that's it. You're done. Fired.

Pink-slipped without pay. [THUNDER CRASHES]

How's about you and your darling pet

taking a little excursion to--

To...

To the resort town of Dry Gulch.

There's something screwy going
on down there.

Terror in the tumbleweeds,
that sort of thing.

Never fear.

My eagle eye will be ever alert

to anything out of the ordinar-- Ordinar--

To anything unusual.

Gosh, Sylvester, isn't it wonderful?

An all-expense-paid vacation.

Hey, easy on the expenses, Jack.

And take that panicky feline with you.

Come along now, you
pusillanimous pussycat, you.

Well, Sylvester, here we are.

Dry Gulch, our first assignment.

Golly, I've always wanted to be--

Go out West. Haven't you, Sylvester?

It's so quaint and picturesque.

I don't think we're ever going
to find any gho--

Poltergeists out here.

Dry Gulch Hotel. How opportune.

I hope they're not full up.

Come on, Sylvester.

I'm afraid we'll just have to
wake somebody up.

[♪♪]

What the--?

Sylvester.

Oh, don't be ridiculous.

Now, come on. Get down from there.

I ought to clobber you.

Come on, you great yellow cat, you.

[♪♪]

What now?

Brother, the things I have to put up with

with this idiotic cat.

It's just a little teeny harmless spider,

you shameless craven, you.

Now, come on. I'm sleepy.

I'll just ring for the night clerk.

[RINGING]

PORKY: I guess they're all asleep.

So I think we'd better just
sign the register

and look up a room for ourselves.

We'll straighten the whole
thing out in the morning.

All right, what's the big idea pushing me?

Oh, don't be such an idiot.

What are you, a schizophre--?
A schizophre--?

A manic-depressive or something?

[CRASHING]

[GUNFIRE]

PORKY: Sylvester!

What are you trying to do,
wake everybody in the house?

Of all the screwball ideas.

Fighting with stuffed animals.

PORKY: Ha, ha! Weren't we lucky to
find an unoccupied suite, Sylvester?

Now, let's go to sleep.

You'll feel a lot better in the morning.

Psychopathic old pussy cat, you.

[♪♪]

Unh! What--? I can't breathe.

What's going--? Hey, hey, hey!

Sylvester,

what are you doing with that rope?

And that razor?

[PORKY MUMBLING]

That settles it. Out you go.

Out, out, out!

[♪♪]

PORKY: What--? Get off of me.
Get out of here.

What's the big idea?

What are you up to now, Sylvester?

Sylvester, you come out of
there this instant.

Uh, well?

Oh, cut it out.

Of all the nonsense.

I guess the only way you'll be
safe from the bogeyman

is to sleep here with me.

You poltroon of a chicken cat, you.

[♪♪]

Mice.

[GUNFIRE]

Tell me, Sylvester, is there
any insanity in your family?

[♪♪]

[PORKY YAWNS]

PORKY: What a lovely morning.

This really is a restful place.

You know, I think we'll just
stay here for a week or 10 days

and get really rested up.

♪ Oh, give me a home Where the
buffalo roam ♪

♪ And the deer And the antelope play ♪

[BANG]

♪ And the deer And the antelope play ♪

♪ And the deer And the antelope play ♪

♪ And the deer And the antelope play ♪

♪ And the deer... ♪

[♪♪]

[SIGHS]

[ANNOUNCER READS ON-SCREEN TEXT]

Yow! Yipes! Yow!

[YELPS]

Bothered by monsters?

Not to worry.

Our highly-skilled professional staff

is equipped to handle any
supernatural emergency

using only the most advanced techniques.

My associate shall now demonstrate.

My stars.

Where did you ever get that awful hairdo?

It doesn't become you at all.

Here, for goodness' sake. Let me fix it up.

Look how stringy and messy it is.

What a shame.

Such an interesting monster too.

My stars, if an interesting monster

can't have an interesting hairdo

then I don't know what
things are coming to.

In my business, you meet so
many interesting people.

Bobby pins, please.

But the most interesting ones
are the monsters.

Oh, dear, that'll never stay.

We'll just have to have a permanent.

Now, I've gotta give an
interesting old lady a manicure

but I'll be back before you're done.

So, folks, call Daffy Duck,
Bugs Bunny and Porky Pig,

paranormalists at large.

Spooks spooked, goblins gobbled,

UFOs KO'd, aliens alienated,

vampires evaporated, and
monsters remonstrated.

Just call 555-5925.

Remember, that's the same as
dialing 555-KWAK.

Daffy Duck, anything for a buck.

Mr. Duck, I seem to be having trouble

with my kitchen appliances.

Listen, lady, this ain't no electrician's.

Well, it isn't quite that kind of trouble.

Your ad says paranormal expert, and--

Oh, I get it. Monsters in the microwave,

bats in the blender, that sort of thing.

No problem.

Just slip into something out of this world

and I'll be right over.

A damsel in distress, and in a
swanky part of town.

Okay, so where's the fire?

It's in the oven, I presume.

Whoops!

My mistake.

Nothing a little Uzi-Off couldn't fix.

Hmm, must be the frost-free kind.

Phew! I could use some liquid refreshment.

Say, lady, where do you keep your glasses?

WOMAN: They're in the cupboard.

[TRAIN HORN BLOWING]

Hmm. It's getting a little crowded in here.

What say we mosey on

into someplace a little more cozy-like

and talk things over.

So you have these Tupperware parties often?

[GIGGLES THEN GROWLS]

Ahem. Oh, Daffy, you're so witty.

Yes, I am witty at that.

How very perceptive of you to notice.

Oh, Daffy, I'm so scared.

And it's so comforting to have
a short, dark, handsome duck

like you to protect me.

You will help me, won't you?

Sure, sweetums. It's in the bag.

With a little cooperation, and
the proper setting,

we could hold hands and have a séance.

Handy things, these séances.

Gosh, I don't know my own strength.

Come on down to Papa, baby.

Oh! Big, strong Daffy-waffy

gonna protect little itty-bitty me?

Oh, brother, not another
schizophrenic dame.

Hey, Sybil, any more
like you in the family?

Could you send back that older
sister of yours?

[SHRIEKS THEN MOANS]

Ou-yay upid-stay erk-jay.

And I thought French was a
romantic language.

Mary had a little lamb

but I ate it!

[IN GERMAN ACCENT] So tell me,
mein fraulein,

when did you start hearing these voices?

Was it something in
your childhood, perhaps?

Buried deep in your subconscious mind?

Search your memory.

You're blocking.

[SHRIEKING]

This is a little over my head.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Here we are.
How to Exorcise. Just the ticket.

If this doesn't get her, nothing will.

"One and two and three and four.

One and two and three and--"

Whoops. My error.

Ah, here it is. The real McCoy.

"Of utmost importance in the
exorcism of spirits

is to keep them amused."

Keep them amused, huh? I'll slay them.

A guy came up to me,

said he hadn't had a bite in weeks

so I bit him.

Howdy, stranger.

Just flew in from another world, huh?

I'll bet your arms are tired.

Hmm. They don't seem all that amused.

Maybe it's a culture gap.

I'll try something a little closer to home.

Did you hear the one about the girl

who didn't pay her exorcist bill?

Her soul got repossessed.

Oh. What? Who? Huh?

Why, I feel like my old self again.

Nothing to it, really, for one
of my sophisticated wit.

[WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY]

Uh-oh!

[GIGGLES]

That tickles.

Oh, my hero.

[♪♪]

[SCREAMS]

Y'all come back now, you hear?

[DAFFY LAUGHING]

[PANTING]

Phew! What a fiasco.

House calls are definitely
hazardous to my health.

Cubish.

Let's see what my nemesis has
been up to in my absence.

Yow!

The money supply is dwindling.

I'm down to my last million.

[PHONE RINGING]

Yes, please, anything.

Porky Pig reporting for duty,
O noble leader.

Oh, it's you. So, what's the story?

Any ghouls in them there hills?

Sorry, sir. A perfectly uneventful trip.

Except for this terrible headache.

I guess I'm not used to the
brisk desert climate.

[CHUCKLES]

DAFFY: Well, there's something screwy

going on around there, buddy.

I've been getting lots of calls
about suspicious-like activity.

Why don't you head on down to
the Superstition Mountains

and do some more snooping?

You're bound to find some rich nut

who's superstitious enough

to pay us royally for our services.

Boldly go where no pig has gone before.

Great news, Sylvester.

We're off to the Superstition Mountains.

Bills, bills, bills.

It's positively stultifying.
[THUNDER CRASHES]

But I don't mind paying them.
Nice bills, good bills.

Can't get enough of them.

Some rich sucker for the supernatural

better materialize soon.

[RINGS]

Daffy Duck, paranormalist par excellence.

WOMAN: Hello, this is a
person-to-person collect call

to Mr. Daffy Duck from outer Transylvania.

Go ahead, please.

MAN 1: I want to bite your neck.

MAN 2: No, no. Don't drive that
wooden stake through my heart.

[MAN 1 CACKLES THEN GROWLS]

Transylvania? Yuck! What a
gruesome assignation.

But still, somebody's gotta go there.

I can't afford to leave any stone unturned.

Ah, I got it! I'll stick the nasty job

on that underemployed rabbit.

After all, I did promise him
travel opportunities and--

Go ahead, it's your quarter.

DAFFY: Guess what, pal?

I pulled a few strings,

sliced through some
bureaucratic red tape, and--

You mean I get to go to Palm Springs?

Well, not to Palm Springs exactly,

but someplace even balmier.

Scenic Transylvania,

tourist spot of the Western world.

I hear it's simply
breathtaking this time of year.

Just call me when you get there

and we'll map out your strategy.

[♪♪]

Oh! Wow, what a belt.

These Transylvanian hardwoods
ain't too soft.

Who is that delicious
young creature, Emily?

Uh-oh. Uh, good morning, ladies-- Lady.

Could you direct me to the
nearest telephone?

Doesn't he look sweet and crunchy, Agatha?

Oh, well, uh, never mind.

I'll just check at that motel over there.

Boy, they don't make places
like this anymore.

Be a wonderful place for a vacation.

[BELL CHIMES]

Sorry to disturb you, sir. I'd
like to use your telephone.

I know it's late, but--

BLOODCOUNT: Oh, no, it's never too late.

Come in. BUGS: Yeah, well,

you see, I just wanna call my
partner in the U.S.A.

to tell him I've arrived in
your charming country.

Boy, keen-looking lobby they got here.

Uh, telephones, telephones.

Why do hotels always hide the telephone...

...booths.

Oh, uh, yeah. You must be the head waiter.

Count Bloodcount, at your service, sir.

Yeah. Well, look, Con, about
those telephones.

Telephones? Telephones?

Oh, yes. Right this way.

Say, nice little place
you've got here, doc.

Interesting decor. Homey, comfortable.

Nice recreational facilities.

Nothing like family portraits

to brighten up a place, I always say.

BLOODCOUNT: This is your room.

Yeah, sure, doc, but I don't want a room.

I just want a telephone.

Rest first. Telephone tomorrow.

Rest is good for the blood.

[YAWNS]

Well, I am a little fatigued.

Goodbye, little friend.

I mean, good night.

Asleep yet?

Nope.

Well, ring if you need anything.

Cyanide or like that.

Same old problem.

I just can't sleep in a strange bed

no matter how nice the place is.

Hey, that's what I need, something to read.

Hmm. "Magic Words and Phrases."

Sounds interesting. Yeah.

Uh... "Magic can be performed
either by potions

"or by the use of magic words and phrases.

"Among the most powerful of these

is the word aba-- Abracadabra."

Yeah. Oh, sure it is. Sick humor.

"It is to laugh magic words--"

Golly, what big mosquitoes
they do have around here.

Hold still, you little devil. There.

"Another highly useful magic
word is hocus-pocus."

Anyone we know, Agatha? No.

Splendid-looking specimen, though.

Boy, I hope the restaurant's still open.

I haven't eaten since I left Cucamonga.

[BUGS HUMMING]

♪ Abracadabra ♪

Another one? They ought to
screen this place.

[COUGHING]

[BUGS HUMMING]

♪ Hocus-pocus ♪

I am a vampire.

Oh, yeah? Well, abracadabra.

I'm an umpire.

Hocus-pocus.

I'm a bat.

Okay, I'm a bat too.

Abracadabra.

You wouldn't hit a bat with
glasses on, would you?

Hocus-pocus.

Now I crush you.

Abracadabra.

[THUD]

[MUFFLED] Hocus-pocus.

BUGS: Abracadabra.

Hocus-pocus.

BUGS: Abracadabra.

Abraca-pocus.

Hmm, uh... Pocus-cadabra.

Newport News.

Wow, I can do better than that.

Walla Walla, Washington.

Oh, uh, girls.

Emily, look. It's our little friend.

Look, Emily.

Isn't it romantic?

I always said, four heads are
better than one.

Well, a telephone at last.

Hello, operator?

Could you please connect me
with a certain Mr. Daffy Duck

in New York City, U.S.A.?

[HUMMING]

♪ Abraca-pocus ♪

So, what's the bad word?

Anything inexplicable to write home about?

No, nothing special.

But I did manage to bring
together two lovely couples

who have a lot in common.

What do you think we're running here,

a matrimonial agency?

Just like that rabbit.

The company's crashing down around me

and he gets sentimental.

Let's see, now. Let's see. Form A, 62-B.

I can deduct 30 thou

because of my winning
personality, but wait.

According to schedule 77,

since I was born in a month with an R in it

I can write off this, subtract that,

carry the one and--

These new simplified tax forms
are driving me nuts.

Setbacks, setbacks.

[SOBBING]

[CUBISH CHUCKLING]

Ah, I got it.

I'll claim my deceased Uncle
Robespierre Duck

as a dependent. Ha-ha-ha!

What the IRS don't know won't
hurt them. Heh-heh.

Nothing simpler than a little
juggling of the books.

[THUNDER CRASHES]

Oh, come on, I like to juggle books.

It's good, clean, harmless
fun. See? Juggling.

It's my hobby.

[PHONE RINGS] Uh, hello?

Himalayas. A giant monster running amok,

ruining tourist trade.

Come quick. Help!

[ALL SHOUTING]

The Himalayas. Duty calls.

I'll hop down there,

make short order of this Bigfoot thing

and they'll generously reward me

with Tibetan beads and trinkets.

But, you know, giant monsters
aren't exactly my forte.

I could use a front man to
take some of the lumps.

Hmm. Sounds to me like another menial task

for that dumb bunny.

Transylvania, Transylvania.

Where is that stupid number?

[PHONE RINGING]

[RINGING CONTINUES]

Yes?

Hello, Bugs? Daffy here.

How's about a nice executive junket to--?

No, not Palm Springs.

To the rugged Himalayas.

Seems the local yokels have a
problem with some giant.

Must be some kind of a native superstition.

Here we are, the Himalayas.

What a way for a duck to
travel: underground.

Crimenetlies, it's cold.

Good thing I packed my winter wardrobe.

I don't see any giant.

Hey, come to think of it, I
don't even see any Himalayans.

You know, if we just reroute
through Albuquerque,

we could probably hit Palm
Springs by this afternoon.

You and your one-track mind.
First things first, buster.

There's still the little matter
of this giant to take care of.

Guess I'll backtrack a bit.

I must have missed something on the way.

[♪♪]

All right, what's holding up the works?

What's all the--?

[SCREAMS]

Oh, what a cute little pink bunny rabbit.

Just what I always wanted. My
own little bunny rabbit.

I will name him George, and I will hug him

and pet him and squeeze him.

I'm not a bunny rabbit.

SNOWMAN: And pat him and pet him and--

You're hurting me. Put me down, please.

SNOWMAN: And rub him and caress him and--

I ain't no bunny rabbit!

Not a bunny rabbit, George?

Then how come you have long ears?

How come? Long ears? Oh, heh-heh.

Those aren't ears. Those are sleeves.

So now put me down, please, huh?

Oh, George, you were naughty to pretend

you was a bunny rabbit.

I will punish you good.

Bad old George.

Look, doc, I know where
there's a real bunny rabbit.

A very cuddly and a fuzzy rabbit...

And then, after a carrot
burger and a malt in Albuquerque--

Oh, Bugsy. Bugsy, buddy.

Oh, hi. What's up, duck?

Come here, old pal. Hmm?

My own little bunny rabbit.

Hey, an abominable snowman.

I will name him George and I
will hug him and--

Oh, sure. I know I'm a louse.

But I'm a live louse.

SNOWMAN: And I will give him security.

And I will keep him warm like a mother hen

so he will never feel rejected
or lack for love.

Poor old Bugs.

But anyway you look at it,
it's better he should suffer.

After all, it was me or him,

and obviously, it couldn't be me.

It's a simple matter of logic.

I'm not like other people.

I can't stand pain. It hurts me.

Okay, Abom, here's your bunny rabbit.

A bunny rabbit, George?

Bunny rabbit? Me? Yes, you, doc.

Ho, ho. Very funny. Ha, ha. Very droll.

Hey, Shorty, what do you consider to be

the distinguishing
characteristics of a rabbit?

Uh, distinguishing character--

Yeah, yeah. What makes a
rabbit look like a rabbit?

Why, the long ears.

And whom around here has long ears?

Sorry to have to do this to you, bud.

Eh, don't give it a second thought.

Oh, boy. Just what I always wanted,

my own little bunny rabbit.

They really do make a charming couple.

SNOWMAN: Pet him and
squeeze him and rub him

and stroke his bill and rub
his pretty feathers.

Hey. Wait a minute.

Bunny rabbits don't
have feathers and bills.

I know. I know. There goes
your bunny rabbit.

Hey, uh, George.

Wait.

Ha, ha! Look out, bunny
rabbit. This I gotta see.

[♪♪]

And I searched and I searched.

Phew. It's hot.

But I never caught up with my
little bunny rabbit.

Gee, that's tough, Mr. Adomin-abable.

And now I'll never--

Gosh, it's hot.

--never see my bunny rabbit again.

Don't give up hope, yet, doc.

If you love him, he'll come back.

Well, here I am.

Massacre started yet? Fireworks gone off?

Balloon gone up?

Oh, boy. A bunny rabbit.

Just what I always wanted.

I will name him George.

And I will hug him and squeeze him

and pet him and pat him and--

Hey.

Hey, what do you know? He melted.

He really was a snowman.

Abominable, that is.

[ANNOUNCER READS ON-SCREEN TEXT]

Aahh! Eek!

Still bothered by monsters?

Don't despair.

Our company offers a fine line
of magic potions and unguents.

Guaranteed to rid the home of
your supernatural pests.

Oops, here they come.

[♪♪]

BUGS: Hmm. Not bad.

[GROWLS]

So, folks, call Daffy Duck,
Bugs Bunny and Porky Pig,

paranormalists at large.

Spooks spooked, goblins gobbled,

UFOs KO'd, aliens alienated,

vampires evaporated, and
monsters remonstrated.

Daffy Duck, ace paranormalist,
at your service.

MAN: Hello? Hello, Mr. Duck?

I wanna report an elephant in my birdbath.

[BIRD CHIRPING]

I beg your pardon, sir.

You say there's an elephant in
your birdbath?

Uh-oh. An obvious nutcase.

So there's an elephant in your birdbath.

Uh-huh. Yeah.

Yeah, well, how does he fit in it, sir?

Yeah. I see.

The elephant in your birdbath

is only 5 and a quarter inches tall.

Definitely non compos mentis.

Better summon the authorities.

No, no. You wait right there, sir.

Somebody will be coming to
call on you very shortly.

Now, what was that address again?

112 North Highland.

Yeah, that's right. Please, hurry.

[CHITTERING]

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Steady, now, lad. Easy does it.

But I did. I did see an
elephant in my birdbath.

Sure, sure, I know.

I keep a giraffe in mine.

[♪♪]

[SCREAMS]

[♪♪]

[BANG]

[♪♪]

[TRUMPETS]

You're late.

He always used to be pink.

And Mother used to scold me
when I was only 3.

She'd say, "Dolores, you're not seeing

little lavender men in the sugar bowl."

But I did, doctor.

And then, when I went to nursery school,

my teacher, Mrs. Swanson--

She was a synthetic blond.

Well, Mrs. Swanson used to spank me,

spank me hard, even with--

I think it all began

when Father refused to take me
to the circus.

I was a fragile child of 6.

[♪♪]

Say, this teensy-elephant
thing has spread like wildfire.

Right up my alley.

A golden opportunity to go on TV

and placate the citizenry.

It can't fail.

I'll soothe their troubled brows

and be showered with goodies
by a grateful populace.

Good evening, I'm Zed Toppel,

and this is Frightline.

Tonight, the miniature elephant.

Is it real, or is it merely a figment

of our overactive imaginations?

A product of our troubled times.

Our guest is the noted
metaphysician, Mr. Daffy Duck,

who may be able to shed some light

on this otherwise dark corner

of our national obsession with--

Uh, yeah, sure. Thank you, Zed.

Folks, this so-called miniature elephant

couldn't possibly exist.

Now, I can accept something plausible.

Ghosts? Okay. Vampires? Fine.

But itsy-bitsy elephants? That's silly.

[ZED LAUGHING]

That's just stupid. That's not even--

[TRUMPETS]

Yikes!

[LAUGHING]

The insult. The ignominiousness.

Publicly disgraced on a coast-
to-coast hookup.

Wait a minute. I can still get out of this.

It's that TV station. I'll sue them.

It's their fault.

No, wait. I was simply misinformed.

It's my advisor, that pig. The
perfect patsy.

Nobody will believe him. He's a nincompoop.

Yeah, that's it. It was his fault. Yeah.

Who's to know? What the hay?

There's nothing wrong

with a little dishonesty in
business affairs.

What am I saying?

[♪♪]

I'm finished.

Strapped. Kaput.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Aha! It's the door. Opportunity knocks.

[CUBISH CHUCKLES]

Telegram for Mr. Daffy Duck. Ha-ha-ha!

From the Cheapskate Savings and Loan.

♪ We're sorry But we must confess ♪

♪ Your rent's not paid You're in a mess ♪

It's amazing.

♪ Vacate to a new address ♪

♪ You can't stay here ♪

♪ You're dispossessed ♪

♪ Good evening, friends ♪

It's unbelievable.

MAN: Heads up, moving men.

But honest and truly, the
check's in the mail.

MAN: Sorry, Mac.

[DOOR RATTLES]

Now what?

One thing's for sure.

I got nowhere else to go but up.

[RUMBLING]

[SCREAMS]

[♪♪]

Too bad. Too bad.

So much trouble in the world today.

Hey, garçon.

How about another
carrot juice on the rocks?

Isn't this wonderful, Sylvester?

Camping way out here in the
middle of nowhere.

So peaceful and quiet.

[COYOTE HOWLING]

PORKY: Hey. What--?

[MUFFLED GRUNTING]

Relinquish me, you foul,
gibbering feline, you.

That's just a little old scraggily coyote

baying at the moon.

You yellow dog of a cowardly cat, you.

[THUNDER CRASHING]

[♪♪]

DAFFY: Come and get them, folks.

Come and get them while they last.

Trick spiders, plastic blobs,

ghost goop, garlic wreathes

and other miscellaneous
supernatural knickknacks.

Well, how's about these simply
adorable windup dolls?

Just $1 apiece.

MAN: Why, yes, I'll take one of those.

You will? Really?

Gee, thanks.

Cubish!

[♪♪]

[♪♪]

[♪♪]