All language subtitles for The Office Superfan Episodes S05E16 Lecture Circuit Extended Cut 1080p PCOK WEB-DL DD+5 1 H 264-playWEB_track3_[eng]

(Michael moans)

(Michael laughs)

This morning, the
phone guy comes in

and he shows Michael that our
phones have a PA function.

And then he just left.

This is your captain speaking.

The office will be flying at
an altitude of two stories.

Look out your left-hand window

and you will see Vance
Refrigeration. (laughs)

Attention Dunder
Mifflin shoppers,

we are having a special today

on Hispanic
accountants, aisle one.

Also, freshly-squeezed
female receptionists,

two for the price
of one, just today.

(imitates farts
squelching) Stanley.

(imitates farts
squelching) Kevin.

(Michael imitates
fart squelching)

(laughs)

Would you all please rise

for the national anthem?

I am the ghost of salesmen past.

Do not come near me. (laughs)

(coughing)

Yes, Michael Scott for
Dr. Johnson, please.

Hello, Doctor. I was
just following up about my mole again.

Now, I was looking online
about sebaceous cysts.

I have not been squeezing it.
(Jim groans)

Could I stick it with a pin?
(Pam groans)

Toby Flenderson to the
principal's office.

Your mother called
and it appears

that you wet the bed again,

so you have to get home
to wash your sheets

because they're yellow and
they're wet with your urine.

(knuckles rapping)

And, at 6'6",

from the University of
North Carolina, Jim Halpert!

[Jim] That's pretty funny.

Hey, you know what?
Did I drop my, uh.

- What?
- What the heck? Is that?

- You find it?
- I didn't.

I'll look somewhere else.

[Both] All right.

Would you like
fries with that?

Please drive around.

(bright upbeat music)

(car horn beeps)

(knuckles rapping)

Hello?

Good morning.

- Good morning.
- You ready?

And we're off. Like
a herd of turtles.

Well, Pam and I have eloped.

Actually, we just robbed a
bank and we are on the lam.

No, seriously, I am
on a lecture circuit.

Apparently, Scranton
has the best sales

of any regional branch,

so David Wallace has asked
me to go to all the branches,

except Nashua, still a
little bit raw there.

Um, but I am going
to these branches

and I am telling them my
secret recipe for success,

my eleven business herbs and
spices in a sales batter.

Oh, that. Well, that is Pam.

Pam is coming along as my
assistant and my driver

so I can focus.

And I like to pack heavy.

He brought a sled.

No, that is a toboggan.

You never know when you're
gonna find a snowy hill, so.

Every magician has
a hot assistant

and every rock star has a roadie

and Pam is my hot roadie.

Yeah, I love
being on the road,

but I especially love
the time and a half pay,

24 hours a day for three days.

'Cause I have a mortgage now.
Got to bring home the bucks.

No, don't say "bucks."
It's not ladylike.

Here we go.

Okay, so what we do
is we drive all day

and we stay in hotels
together at night.

Separate rooms.

Well, that goes
without saying.

I'm gonna say it anyway.

Hey, look at what
you're wearing again, Pam.

Have you ever seen a
magician's assistant? That's-

This is a new cardigan.

Kind of blech.

Maybe you could tie
it around your waist

or lose the shirt
underneath or something.

- No.
- No? All right.

Pam is off with
Michael earning money

for our nest egg.

Man, I love that girl.
You know what's funny?

Sometimes I'll just
wake up in the morning

and I'll be looking at
her in the early light

while she's still asleep,

and I'll drag the
shoelace across her face

and I'll yell, "Pam, wake up!
There's a bug on your face!"

and she wakes up screaming.

Hmm. I really miss that.

(door slams)

- Hey, Kelly.
- Screw you.

Excuse me. That is no
way to address a superior.

Oh, yeah? Screw you, too.

Whoa. What was that all about?

You forgot her birthday.
It was yesterday.

[Both] Go ahead.

You do it.

- Okay.
- I insist.

Basically, after Phyllis
blackmailed Angela,

Michael asked them
both to step down

from the Party
Planning Committee

'cause there was too much drama.

- What he said was-
- Just easy.

There was a problem
with having one head

of the Party Planning Committee.

She becomes too powerful,
so he appointed two heads.

- Party planning?
- I am a paper salesman.

This is literally
the stupidest thing

- I've ever done in my life.
- This is humiliating.

That's on my side.

So this is fun.

My birthday was yesterday,
and everybody forgot.

I got really dressed up and
excited and no one said a word.

There wasn't even a party.

I think sometimes
people are really mean

to the hot, popular girl.

Can I turn on the radio?

No, I need silence or
Sam Kinison to prepare.

But then you fall asleep and
there's nothing for me to do.

Then listen to your iPod, Pam.

That's dangerous.

Well, then, hey, you
know what? Let's just talk.

That's okay. I can, I'm fine.

I'll just play a song
in my head. (hums)

You nervous about
seeing Karen again?

Since she was the other woman?

Actually, you were
the other woman, so.

No, that was a long time ago.

Is that why you're
wearing makeup today?

No, I'm not even
wearing that much.

Maybe we should
steal her copier.

I doubt I'd fail at that again.

I guess I am worried
that she hates me.

I bet she does.

I hate the idea that
someone out there hates me.

I even hate thinking
that Al-Qaeda hates me.

I think if they got to know me,

they wouldn't hate me.

But Karen knows me and
she still hates me,

so maybe Al-Qaeda would hate me.

or maybe Al-Qaeda
would understand

that Jim and I are
supposed to be together.

What's this?

I reprinted my vendors
list for parties.

It's a list of birthdays,
half birthdays,

minutes from past parties
and an enemies list.

You're gonna need it.

If there's some cat
stuff mixed in here,

I'd appreciate you
returning it to me.

Of course.

I wish you two
the best of luck.

Thank you.

Angela?

Dwight and I would like to say

that we'd be honored
if you would stay on

as a member of the committee.

And we think you
could even run it

and take care of everything

and we would not
get in your way.

Well, that is a great idea.

Nice try. It's
your problem now.

[Jim] Run it? Coming
in a little hot, are we?

She responds to power.

You know what? Why don't
you start going through this?

We just wanna say
we are very sorry.

Screw you guys.
You're dead to me.

If you say screw
you one more time-

Yeah, screw you, beet farmer,

- I didn't forget your birthday.
- Guys, guys.

- I would never do that!
- Guys, guys!

- Hey! Hey!
- Guys.

We just wanna make it up
to you. What can we do?

I guess my only wish would
be that nothing so terrible

would ever happen to
anyone else ever again.

Oh, God.

- Okay.
- In a way,

it's good that it happened to me

because at least I can bear it.

What kind of cake
do you want, imbecile?

Ice cream.

Oh, this is a nice office.

You don't have to
lie. Through here.

(phone rings)

Um, Phyllis.

Who's that?

She's outta your league, Andy.

For information, I've been
with lots of beautiful women.

Sexually?

This conversation is over.

I am single now.

What we have here is
the ultimate SmackDown

between the Nard Dog
and crippling despair,

loneliness and depression.

I intend to win.

Yeah, we've got all of these-

Stanley, (tapping) have
you seen my saffron anywhere?

No.

No, all right.

'Cause I'm gonna
make my paella later.

You know, I just love mixing
exotic foods and spices,

and...

Hi, I'm Andy.

Hi, I'm Julia.

Julia. That is like one of
my favorite names of all time.

Oh God. Let's see,
Roberts, Child.

- Andy.
- Louis-Dreyfus.

Why are you
interrupting my meeting?

Like I said, just
looking for my saffron.

You need to leave.

- Well, if you see my saffron-
- Goodbye.

- Tell it I'm looking for it.
- Mm-hmm.

[Pam] Okay. Point
at the Dunder Mifflin.

(camera clicks)

Hello, Rolando, how are you?

Hi.

Rolando, I'd like
you to meet Pam.

She is our receptionist.
You know what?

Maybe you guys could go out

on a little friend
date sometime.

Ah. You're late.

Everyone's waiting in
the conference room.

Karen will be right
here to take you over.

Okay. Don't be nervous.

Just picture her naked.

Stop it.

That's what I
do. Steal my trick.

- Please cut it out.
- Hey.

Hi, guys.

Oh, my God.

Is that Jim's?

- What?
- Michael!

- Of course not.
- Okay.

Wow, oh, man. My
head just exploded.

Whoo, thank God for
everybody, right? Whoo, okay.

Wow, you're huge!
That's incredible.

I God, sorry, sorry.
My head is, I'm just.

I'm trying to figure
out the last time

that you and Jim had sex, and-

Let's just get this
over with, shall we?

Okay, mm-hmm. 10, 10 months?

No.

Okay. Creed, how's it going?

Oh, my replacement bones
been acting up today,

- but, hey, cop a lean.
- Oh...

so I am collecting $3

from everybody
for Kelly's party.

- I'd like to contribute.
- Oh, great.

(phone rings)

There you go.

Are you kidding?

Well, I'm not done yet.

Dwight, this fits in
the palm of my hand.

You haven't blown
them up enough.

Why have you chosen
brown and gray balloons?

They match the carpet.

What is that?

"It is your birthday," period.

It's a statement of fact.

Not even an exclamation point?

This is more professional.

It's not like she discovered
a cure for cancer.

I can't believe
how bad this looks.

Are you trying to
hurt my feelings?

Because, if so,
you are succeeding.

Fortunately, my feelings
regenerate at twice the speed

of a normal man's.

Okay, good then.

Have you collected
the money from everyone?

I am working on it.

How much do you have?

$6.

That's how much you and I
contributed! Damn it, Jim!

I said I was working on it.

Trying to see
what CDs she's got.

It's good to know the deets
about the girl you're wooing.

Uh, ah-ha! Feist, yes!

(car alarms blaring)
Ah! Hey!

No!

Oh, my God.

Oh, no. That is so awful.

That is the worst news.

I have to go. I have
to do a presentation.

I'll talk to you.

(sighs) This is going to be
hard for me to speak today,

because I just learned
that my father has died.

(employees gasping)

No, he didn't. He is alive.

And this isn't
even a cell phone.

This is a calculator,
but you bought it

and now you can't return it.

Or can you? No, you can't.

Yes, Karen? Do you
need to go pump?

Not gonna have to do that
until after I have the baby.

No, I am wondering what
are you talking about?

I am talking about how you
all need to sell an experience.

Like I sold you on the idea
that my father had died.

But now we think
you're a liar.

Would a liar bring
mini Mounds bars?

I am a theatrical person.

Growing up I always thought
I would become an actor

because I have these
memorization tricks that I use.

Um, for instance,

I learned the "Pledge
of Allegiance"

by setting it to the
tune of "Old MacDonald."

♪ I pledge allegiance
to the flag ♪

♪ Of the United
States of America ♪

♪ And to the republic
for which it stands ♪

♪ One nation under God ♪

♪ With a woof-woof here ♪

♪ And a woof-woof there ♪

♪ Here a woof, there a woof ♪

♪ Everywhere a woof-woof ♪

Um, you get it.

I don't know you.

But I need to know you
in order to sell to you.

That is why I've
asked you to go around

and tell me your names.

I have an amazing
mnemonic device

by which I have now
memorized all of your names.

Shirty, mole, lazy eye,

Mexico, baldy,

sugar boobs, black woman.

I have taken a unique
part of who you are

and I have used that
to memorize your name.

Baldy, your head is
bald, it is hairless,

it is shiny, it is
reflective, like a mirror.

M, your name is Mark.

- Yes.
- Got it. It works!

Uh, it's very insulting.

But it works.

I would like you all to give
this a shot. What do you say?

But we already know
each other's names.

Well, then it will
be easier for you.

But I-I still think
it's worthwhile

to give it, give it a try.

Okay, all right,
everyone. Meeting's over.

But I still have more.

Can I please see you
in my office, please?

She is pregnant. She
is knocked up, K, Karen.

Pam, let's go.

I can't accept
these prices, Stanley.

They just cut our budget-

Brought you guys some coffees.

Stanley, I know you have
adult-onset diabetes,

so I put Splenda in yours.

Let's see, how many
did I put in there?

♪ One, two, three, four Splendas
in your coffee, Stanley ♪

♪ None in yours, Julia, 'cause
I don't know how you take it ♪

♪ But if you'd rather ♪

Four Splenda? Are you crazy?

Well, no, I actually
only put in two,

but that's not
how the song goes.

- Are you out of your damn mind?
- Are you out of your damn mind?

You bring an angel like
that into this office

and you don't even
set me up with her.

We're not friends. I
didn't think about it.

We are friends.
Stanley, we're friends.

And you let me down.

You really like her, huh?

Yeah, I really like
her with all my heart.

Give me two clients for her.

People do crazy things
for love, and I'm a person.

I grab this, and I
turn it on and I say,

"Prepare yourself for the
'Utica Chain Store Massacre.'"

No, that, that is
incredibly dangerous.

No, don't worry,
the chain is off.

No, it's not.

You know, I think I'm just
gonna distill all of this

and send it in an
email to my team.

E-mail's not scary. This is
an opportunity, don't blow it.

So when are you due?

Uh, in about a month.

Wow, that is wonderful. Congratulations.

Thank you. It just
all happened so fast.

It's really amazing.
Congratulations, Karen.

Thanks.

So is there a guy or a person

or a sperm machine that
did this to you or?

Yes, Michael. My
husband impregnated me.

[Michael] Oh. Great.

His name is Dan.

Uh, this is us.

- We're so dorky.
- Oh. That's cute.

Yes, thank you.

He's a dermatologist.
We met at a bar.

Can you believe that?

- What is happening there?
- Oh, yeah, don't even.

That's really dorky.
(Pam laughs)

[Pam] It's really sweet.

No, it's really dorky.

You were right the first time.

You should have
been Juno, right?

With a little hoodie
sweatshirt, hamburger phone.

"I'm preggers look what other
shenanigans I can get into."

So how are things in
Scranton? How's Jim?

Uh, they're good, uh,
Jim's good.

We're engaged.

That's so great. That's great.

Thank you.

Oh, my God. I'm
so happy for you.

Oh, wow. Thank you.

Old hatreds dissolve
into new friendships.

This is really a
wonderful moment.

so Andy will be taking
over things here.

You are in good hands, and
give my best to your mother.

So, Julia, um, let's see.

With regards to billing,
should we send bills

to you or to your
boyfriend's house, or?

No, it can go straight
to our business address.

Oh, okay. All right,
that makes sense.

How does your boyfriend deal
with your phenomenal success?

Is he just, like, totally
threatened by you, or?

Actually, I-I don't
have a boyfriend.

Do, really? Is that,
wow, that's so weird.

Guys, stop everything.

I'm about to ask out this girl
and I'm completely panicking.

Oh, my desk is over...

This gal, she's
really into you?

Yeah, yeah, I mean,

I've seen her like
three times today

and we love all the same music

and whenever I walk into a
room she totally looks up.

- Ah-ah, say no more.
- So.

This is how I
got Squeaky Fromme.

No small talk. Just
show her who's the boss.

Just go right in and kiss her.

Okay, it sounds risky.

Have I ever steered
you wrong, Jim?

Wait, what?

I would give that
lecture a solid B-plus.

Although, for the record,
Karen, wow, kind of mean.

I like her.

Really? No, honestly, tell
me what you really think.

I'm serious. Um, I'm
really glad I came.

Why?

Because, um, because I'll
never wonder ever again

if I did something wrong,
and now I have closure.

She's happy, and, I don't
know, it feels good.

Thanks for walking me out.

Oh, my pleasure.

Yeah, there's all kinds of
weirdos out here, so. (laughs)

(laughs) You must be freezing.

I am about to die. (laughs)

Will you wait here while
I go get my jacket?

Oh, no, it's okay.
This is my car.

Okay, okay, well, listen,

you're a new client and
as one of my new clients,

you will always be taken care of

and that is the
Nard Dog guarantee.

What's a Nard Dog?

This is the Nard Dog.

Whoa! What the hell?

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Oh, I-I thought
we had this energy

and I'm a mess and I
just had my heart broken

and you came in today
and you're so pretty.

You're, like, incredibly pretty.

I just got out of
a relationship, too. It's really hard.

Yeah, right? Wow.

Ah. Do you wanna talk about it?

Go to a mall or something,
just walk around?

No, I don't think so.

Sure, yeah, you're
right. It's too soon.

Definitely too soon for me,

so I'm glad we got
that out of the way.

I'm gonna be in touch
with you in three months.

I'm gonna call you
about that order.

And maybe about that mall walk.

Okay.

- Take care, Julia.
- Thank you.

(engine roars)

Sorry I tried to kiss you.

We lost the account.

(Dwight grunting)

(air hissing)

(Dwight panting)

(Dwight grunting)
(phone rings)

Damn it!

- Dwight Schrute.
- How old is Kelly?

Who is this?

[Jim] It's Mose. Who
do you think it is?

Mose doesn't know how to
use a phone, so joke's on you.

[Jim] Look, I'm
at the supermarket

and they only have
numbered candles.

How old is she?

Uh, 24, 37.

[Jim] Do you think
I'm calling you

- for your best approximation?
- (sighs) I'll call you back.

I have here Kelly Kapoor's
personal and confidential file.

Allow me to share.

"Kelly Kapoor spent April
1995 to December 1996

at Berks County
Youth Center," juvie.

"According to past employers,

it in no way affects
her job perfor-"

Blah, blah, blah.

Are you asleep?

No. Just thinking
about what you said.

About Karen, about closure.

You remember Holly? She
used to work for HR.

No, remind me.

Blonde hair, nice boobs.

Not too big, not too small.

Perfect boobs. Of
course, I remember Holly.

She was the love of my life.

What you and Jim have times 100.

Just she, she just
left and I didn't,

I never got closure, you know?

I never got closure with her.

I haven't talked to her since.
I haven't seen her since.

And I feel like I need to go
to Nashua and get closure.

I feel like I need that.

Okay. Let's go.

Oh, just blow off the
lecture at Rochester?

Yeah. Screw them,
let's do this.

(signal indicator clicking)
(Michael scoffs)

Two.

I didn't eat lunch. I
didn't eat all my lunch.

Hello, everyone.

Oh, ice cream.

Nice, Kevin. Looks good.

It... yeah.

Angela, you're more
chipper than usual.

As you may know, I am no
longer in a relationships.

It's been really stressful here.

So I decided to treat myself

to one of God's most
perfect creations.

I am proud to announce that
there is a new addition

to the Martin family.

(exhales) She's hypo-allergenic,
she doesn't struggle

when you try to dress her,

she's a third-generation
show cat.

Her father was in
"Meet the Parents."

Needless to say, she's
very, very expensive.

- How much?
- $7,000.

For a cat? I can get
you a kid for that.

Where did you get
that kind of money?

I sold Andy's
engagement ring on eBay.

Wait, you didn't give it back?

He wouldn't have wanted that.

Her name is Princess Lady.

Seven grand. I've got
to see that little bitch.

I have something better
than a picture. Come on.

[Oscar] You have
your cats on Nanny Cam.

Yeah, I mean, I
usually try to take leave

when I get a new cat, but
I'm out of vacation days,

and this company still doesn't
recognize cat maternity.

I mean, somebody has a kid,
"Oh, sure, take off a year."

She's right. I had my second
kid just for the vacation.

Right, anyways, I
just wanna make sure

Princess Lady is
acclimating well.

She means more to
me than anyone.

Any cat, you mean.
(cats meowing)

And person.

So detour, we're now adding
Nashua to the lecture circuit,

so Michael can confront
Holly and get some closure.

Nashua actually sounded
very excited on the phone.

I don't think they
get a lot of visitors.

Because their office
is only accessible

by cross-country
skis, ay-oh. (laughs)

I've been driving too long.

- What did you do?
- Stop yelling at me!

- What did you do?
- I didn't do anything.

[Dwight] What did
you learn in there?

I'll bet you
learned things, huh?

Like how to fashion a shiv. Hmm?

Hey, what the hell's going on?

Why don't you tell Jim where
you were from ages 14 to 15?

I was kicking it.

In juvie.

What?

Juvenile detention center.

- Where they send teenagers.
- Yep.

- For re-
- Got it.

What did you do, huh?

Hey, Dwight, sounds
like she was 14,

so maybe we wanna
go a little easy.

If she's old enough
to get married,

she's old enough
to follow the law.

What did you do?

My boyfriend dumped
me, so I stole his boat.

I mean, he told me
it was his boat.

It was actually his father's.

And I just thought it'd
be really romantic,

like Thelma and Louise,
but with, like, a boat.

And it was the worst
year of my life.

And I can't believe
that you guys

are making me talk about
this on my birthday.

I thought you said
yesterday was your birthday.

Hey, you know what?
I got you a cake.

You did? I wanna see the cake.

And, ta-dah.

[Kelly] I hate it.

How do you hate
it? It's a cake.

Well, there's no
flowers or toys or,

I mean, there's nothing on it.

Where did you even
find a cake like this?

I mean, it doesn't even
have my name on it.

Do you guys know
what my name is?

- My name is Kelly.
- Right.

I forgot if there was an
E between the L and the Y.

I still don't know.

I mean, I don't even
know what the theme is!

What's the theme?

- It's birthday.
- Frosting.

Those aren't themes.

There's always a theme.

There's always a theme.

Nice job on the cake, bozo.

Okay, you know what?

Next time, I'll let
you get the cake

and I get to scream
at the birthday girl.

[Pam] Okay, a little bit
more closer to the sign. Yeah.

(camera clicks)

Do I look okay?

[Pam] You look good.

Hi.

Hi, can I help you?

Yes, you can.

I am Michael Scott, regional
manager of the Scranton Branch.

Yes, we were expecting
you. Have a seat.

Thank you.

Um... Is, uh, Holly Flax
anywhere here?

Actually, she's on an HR
retreat for the next three days.

She's not here?

But if you need to get in
touch with her immediately,

you could talk to AJ.

He's a salesman here.

AJ?

Yeah, he's her boyfriend.
He's just over there.

(phone rings)

She has a boyfriend.

[Pam] I'm so sorry, Michael.

How could she do
this to me, Pam?

She's not doing
it to hurt you.

I can't do the
presentation, I can't.

Just, ho, thinking
about seeing him,

and thinking about him
getting to hold her

and getting to kiss
her is just, oh, God.

Listen, when Jim
was dating Karen,

I didn't want to come to work,
it was awful, I hated it.

- I wanted to quit, but-
- Just, please, come on.

I'm going through
something, okay? (exhales)

You know, when
Holly gets back,

everyone will tell her
what a great job you did.

And then she'll realize
what she's missing.

And then she'll
move back to Scranton,

and her boyfriend will die.

Yeah, maybe. Maybe.

One step at a time.

(Michael exhales)

You can do this.

I can do this.

It could be snacks or-
(cats howling)

- But why would we-
- What?

Is that what I think it is?

Good God!

(gasps) That one ugly cat
is humping Princess Lady.

- No!
- Awesome.

Stop it, Mr. Ash! Bad
cat, that is very bad.

You stop it right now.
I swear he is fixed.

I know fixed,
that ain't fixed.

- No way.
- No, now listen,

you can't let what you see
here sully your image of them.

They are good, decent cats.

I got to go. I'll
be back in an hour.

Oh, stop that! Oh!

[Kevin] The other
one's watching.

Okay, so all we
need is a theme.

And cups, and ice,
and punch, and a cake.

[Dwight] Busy.

Hey, what's that show that
she's always talking about?

Oh my God. Is this
how you are with Pam?

'Cause she must wanna
shoot herself in the face.

You know what? I
could use a little help.

You know what?
I'm a little busy.

We have a lot to do,

and you are putting up
a very effeminate sign.

Is that what you've been doing

- is making a sign?
- It's not effeminate.

- It's festive.
- You've been making that sign

for something that we
could just announce

to the whole office?

Hey, everybody, the
party's now at 3:00!

I know, I just
read it on the sign.

[Oscar] How could
that not move you?

Just 'cause I
didn't like the book

doesn't mean I approve
that a rape of Nanking.

You know the apathy
is killing me, Toby.

Hey, can I talk
to you for a second?

- I'm kind of busy.
- No, we're done.

You're being so dramatic.

Hey, you're pretty good
friends with Kelly, right?

Uh, I sit next to her-

Right. What kind of party
do you think she wants?

- We need a theme.
- Oh my God.

You guys are still
on this. Yikes.

200,000 dead Chinese
civilians is meh.

But a office birthday
party is yikes.

It's unfair and
out of context so.

Jim figure out what you'd
like to have at your party

and just do that.

- I was gonna say that.
- And you didn't.

Demolition Derby. Good, done.

Nope, not done, but thank you.

That really helps.

Oh my God. I love this book.

I love, love, love,
love this book.

Good morning, Viet-Nashua!

Sales. Sales is what
brings us together today.

How do we deal with
clients who say,

"Frankly, my dear, I don't
give a damn about paper,"

and get them to
show us the money?

Well, we are going
to find out today.

Show of hands, how many
of you are salesmen?

Let's see the
salesmen. Ooh, okay.

Well, I know what the
rest of you are thinking.

"Wow, yuck, salesmen are
the worst, they are awful.

They are so arrogant.

They think the whole place
revolves around them.

Handsome, good listeners, funny.

Mr. Wonderful."

So, okay, you're a salesman,
what's uh, what's your name?

AJ.

AJ? What kind of name is AJ?

What do you race cars?

I'm a salesman, that's
why I raised my hand.

Ooh, ouch. Okay, good.

You're funny, very
good and funny.

Tell me, AJ, are you dating?
Is there somebody you date?

Yeah. Why, you interested?

(all laughing)

I have a question about
discounts from distributors.

Yep, we will get to you.

Okay, so you're dating somebody.

Um, is it serious?

It's pretty serious. Yes.

(Michael coughs)

Does she ever talk about me?

Oh, God.

Excuse me?

What does this have
to do with sales?

It's all connected, shut up.

Does she ever mention
Michael Scott?

No. What are
you talking about?

(Michael exhales)

Does it feel good?

Does what feel good?

Your life.

Oh, wow.

(exhales) Ah. My legs
are sort of giving out.

Long drive in the
car, so let me just,

I'll just continue. (exhales)

Oh, wow. (inhales) Okay.

Michael, get off the floor.

[Michael] Yeah, yeah,
I can't do this, Pam.

Just read the cards.

No, no, no. Michael,
you have to do it.

[Michael] No, I'm okay.
I'm all right. (exhaling)

Okay. Okay.

That was weird, huh?

It's all part of
the presentation.

It was confusing, right?

Because confusing situations
happen to us all the time

in our jobs.

I'm just trying to bridge the
gap between what just happened

and the fact that I'm going

to be doing the rest
of the presentation.

Sales is like a
box of chocolates.

You never know which vendor
you're gonna get.

Forrest Gump?

Blazer, freckles, penguin,

K.D. Lang, Holly's boyfriend.

These mnemonic devices
help to make a connection,

and then also to help
you memorize names.

I have a chainsaw!

(imitates chainsaw buzzing)
Cutting down the competition.

(cats howling)

[Angela] Where is that bad
cat?

Oh, you know who you are.

Excuse me, Petals, I'm
looking for Mr. Ash.

He's a bad cat. Bad, bad cat.

Do you hear me?
Bad, you are bad.

No, you look at me
when I talk to you.

Do you hear me, Mr. Ash?

You look at me when
I'm talking to you.

(Kevin chuckles)
(Angela meows)

(Angela hisses)

This is getting weird.

(cats meowing)

Is she cleaning the
cat with her tongue?

(cats yowling)

Oh!

(phone rings)

(Michael snickers)

(door thuds)
(cats meowing)

Has this been on
the entire time?

I have no idea.

I was looking at pictures
of food on my computer.

Well, sorry I'm late. Ahm.

(Angela coughs)

I wanna get that
image out of my head.

The psychological issues
that go behind licking a cat

are not things I
want to go into.

Also, I'm pretty sure she
coughed up a hairball.

(Angela's voice squeaks)

For a rainy day.

(Kevin laughs)

Don't look up. Don't look up.

(trunk thudding)

- Want some pie?
- No.

I went through Holly's things.

What?

I stole a sleeve
of her sweater.

Oh, Michael.

I also stole something
off of her computer.

A document called
"Dear Michael."

- You did what?
- I shouldn't have done it.

It just, I couldn't help it.

- She never sent it to you?
- No, she didn't.

I'm gonna read it.

- No.
- Yes.

No, under no circumstances
can you read that letter.

It's a violation of her trust.

How?

Because she didn't
send it to you.

I know, I know. You're
right, you're right.

I could read it.

No, I wouldn't.

Yeah, I could read it.

No, you don't have to do that.

- Go get your laptop.
- Okay.

What? I'm not
in love with her.

(air hisses)
(Dwight panting)

You have to write my
suggestions down, too.

I'm not writing horse hunt.

I don't even know
what that means.

It's in the name.

(phone rings)

Okay, so far our ideal
party consists of beer,

fights to the death, cupcakes,
blood pudding, blood,

touch football, mating, charades
and, yes, horse hunting.

You're right, forget
horse hunting. It's stupid.

Look, is there a birthday

that you remember
that you loved?

Here's one. It
was dark, warm, wet.

A sudden burst of light,
an intense pressure

like I'd never felt before.

Father dressed in
white pulls me forward,

mother bites the cord.

Okay, stop. Forever
stop that story.

That's disgusting
and it doesn't count.

So give me another one.

Schrutes don't celebrate
birthdays, idiot.

It started as a
Depression-era practicality

and then moved on to
an awesome tradition

that I look forward
to every year.

What about you?

Actually, when I was seven,

my dad took me to the Natural
History Museum in New York,

and we looked at
fossils all day.

And at the end of the day,

he got me a little
plastic triceratops.

It was awesome.

That's cool. Hey.

You know what's even
cooler than triceratops?

Every other dinosaur
that ever existed.

Didn't see that one coming.

It's deleted.

Well?

She still has
feelings for you.

She said that?

Is that what it said?
What did it say?

I can't tell you specifically,

but it's not over.

You're sure?

(Michael chuckles)

Okay.

- Happy birthday.
- [All] Surprise.

It's, hey, hey,
it's not a surprise.

This doesn't look good.

What? You have a cake.

You have a delicious cake with
your name spelled correctly?

I told you.

You haven't heard
our theme, though.

You don't hear a
theme. You see it.

Why is there a
Chiclet on my cake?

That's the best part.
That represents a pillow.

Or a television.

Our theme, if you will.

Because the fun part
is you get to decide

on an hour of television
or an hour of napping.

That's our theme.

- Cool.
- Yeah?

I love it.

Oh, yes! Okay, good.

So what's it gonna be, Kapoor?

Ooh! Can she pick
a half hour of each?

- No.
- No.

Oh. Then pick TV.

- Take a nap.
- No, no. TV.

Watching TV at
work is really cool.

Pick a nap. Nothing
good is on right now.

Bonnie Hunt is on.

You know what? I have
been watching TV all week.

I choose nap.

- All right.
- Okay, nap it is.

Everyone out! Get out.

We're gonna be eating
cake at our desks.

- Let's go. Move it.
- Surprise.

Let's go, go, go, go,
go, come on. I got this.

Ah-hmm, this is for you. And...

Happy birthday, Kell.

(giggles) Thank you.

Okay. You've got one hour.

(door slams)

I'm too excited to sleep.

Parties have
changed around here.

I like it, good.

(printer screeching)

Mm. Great cake.

Thanks.

(door clicks)

(metal clanking)

Birthday time is over.

Now go make up for all
the work you missed

when you were taking your nap.

Many happy returns.

I feel great. So
good to have closure.

Ah! We should go apologize
to Roy or something.

No. We don't need to do that.

Who have I wronged?
Who have I wronged?

Oh, oh, what about that fat guy

from Stamford that I insulted?

We should find him.

You mean Tony.

Jabba the Hutt, Pizza the Hut.

Fat guys like pizza, pepperoni
pizza, Pepperoni Tony.

Oh, Michael.

Man, was he fat.

So, so fat.

You know what? Forget it.

I know me.

When I saw him I would never
be able to apologize to him.

Too fat. Big, fat fatty.

(bright upbeat music)