All language subtitles for The Office Superfan Episodes S05E07 Customer Survey Extended Cut 1080p PCOK WEB-DL DD+5 1 H 264-playWEB_track3_[eng]

Hey sport.

I heard someone got
engaged. You dog, huh.

Oww! God!

Oh, nothing can hurt you now.

You're a man in love.

I was there, and that
dude is not engaged.

I'm not a big
believer in therapy,

but, I'll go into my own
pocket to cover his co-pay.

Come on. How did
you propose? Spill it?

Were you wasted?

How did I propose? Let me see?

Well, I drove her up to
Nashua and I had the ring.

Big 10 carat diamond.
It was beautiful.

And I got down on
my hands and knees,

and shooting star
crossed overhead,

and it just split
up the diamond,

like a shooting star.

And we were in a restaurant,

and I put the diamond
into a cheeseburger.

[Kevin] Ooh. Yum.

And she took a bite,
started to choke.

So what do I do?

I have CPR training.

Go around, start
doing the Heimlich.

The ring pops out of her mouth,

hits her shrimp cocktail
right onto her finger.

Million to one shot.

All of the Greek people

in the restaurant
start screaming, "Opa!"

Which means congratulations.

[Jim] Oh.

So...

Oh, man. Big idea.
Double wedding.

Me, Angela. You, Holly.

No, we would never do that.

And if we did, it would
be with Jim and Pam.

- Yeah. We'd never do that.
- Yeah. So there you go.

Michael. I got my
bridesmaids dress.

Oh wow. So quickly.

Yeah. And you said I could
get it in any color I wanted.

So I picked white.

Oh, Michael, did
you tell your mom yet?

Nope. Nope. Not yet.

- You wouldn't tell your mom?
- You love your mom.

Call your mom. Michael.

I'll call her
later. Let's call her.

I'll call her and
tell her about it.

(chanting together) Call her,
call her, call her, call her!

Alright, I will call her.

She is going to freak out.

Speakerphone!

Not, thanks

[Mom on phone] Hello?

Mom, I'm getting married.

- [Mom on phone] No, you're not.
- Why do you always do that?

Whenever I'm getting married,
you don't believe me.

[Mom on phone] Are
you getting married?

No.

[Mom on phone] Are you--

I'm not. I'm not
getting married.

Psych.

(bright upbeat music)

So, I returned
my bridesmaid dress

and it was on sale, so
I'm out a hundred dollars.

And I'm out a fiance.

You know what that feels like?

It is like hot sand,

that you drink,

and then you go to
get a glass of water

and it's just more hot sand.

And then you start thinking,

why is hot sand coming
outta my faucet?

You wanna talk to
your fiance about it,

but she's gone.

That's actually how
I feel about my dress.

Are those the
customer surveys?

Yeah, um, this is all of them.

Jim, Dwight, Phyllis, Stanley,

Andy and oh.

Oh, it's the receipt to
my bridesmaid dress.

What's that doing there?

I'll take care
of that for you.

Thanks.

Kelly Kapoor, is our dusky
exotic customer service rep.

And once a year, she
will contact our clients

and find out how happy they
are with our sales people.

Sort of a Kapoor's List.

Schindler's List parody.

That's not appropriate.

Those reports
affect our bonuses,

which is kind of great for me

because you wouldn't
know from looking at her,

but Pam's a gold Digger.

[Pam on speakerphone]
Hey, New York ain't free.

Get back to work.

Aww.

It's the world's
tiniest Bluetooth.

I found it in a Japanese
gadget store, in the village.

I got one for Jim too.

Jim, say something.

[Jim] Testing, testing.
Hello, everybody.

We wanted to stay
on the phone all day,

but the company has a policy

against eight hour
personal calls.

So we're not telling anyone.

Pam, what do you
want on your coffee?

(Pam and Jim together)
Sprinkle of cinnamon.

I should go.

Customers felt well treated,

and well taken care, of by her.

Great marks, Phyllis.

I did good too.

I knew it.

Don't leave me hanging.

Why are surveys important?

Okay. Hypothetical.

A man wants to buy
500 reams of carrots.

And, so he's like, what do I do?

Where do I go?

Do I go to the insensitive
carrot supplier?

The insensitive carrot salesman?

Or do I go to the
nice carrot salesman,

who will maybe charge a few
cents more per ream of carrot,

but guarantee next day
delivery on your carrots.

Most companies need their
carrots the next day.

Now, substitute
paper for carrots.

And that is why
surveys are important.

Alrighty Dwighty,
let's see how you did.

Bring it on.

Nooo.

Sorry.

What do I do with
my bonus check?

Simple. Purchase
paper from myself.

Boosts my sales,
which boosts my bonus.

Last year, I bought
even more paper

to make this year's
bonus even bigger.

Eventually I'll
get a bonus so big,

I can retire on it

and I'll use the paper
to write my memoirs.

Wow!

What does it say?

Dwight, your
feedback is horrible.

That's impossible.

A number of your clients
found your personal style

abrasive and distasteful.

- I sold more paper than anyone.
- No, no, no.

Wait, is this a joke?

I'm getting that queasy feeling

that sometimes
accompanies jokes.

Do I look like I am joking?

No, but that's
sometimes part of it.

If I were joking,
you'd be laughing.

Do you look like
you are laughing?

Impossible to say.
I can't see myself.

You're not.

My job is to manipulate the
customer into buying paper.

In return, they give me money.

I am the predator,
and they are the prey.

Would a mouse give a
positive review to a hawk?

Should the hawk even care?

Excuse me, I've got work to do.

What are you doing now?

[Jim] Looking for a mug.

What are you doing now?

[Jim] Finding a mug.

What are you doing now?

[Jim] Pouring the coffee.

You, Tommy tuna.

Did you get your scores yet?

Nope.

I got mine. They
were really good.

I miss him.

You must be really proud.

Yeah. Pretty psyched.

Whoa, that's my mug.

Oh, sorry.

It was just, it was right here.

Right, well it's mine.

So, if you could pour it
out and get another one.

Okay. Or maybe I
could finish the coffee,

that's in here. And
you could use, uh...

Oh! Snoopy, he's funny.

Don't give him
Snoopy. That's mine.

That is a great mug,
but it's not my mug.

That is my mug.
So, give it back.

How can you even be sure?

Well it has my face on it.

Make the face.
No, I don't see it.

Dude, that is my face!

(thud on desk)

[Pam] What was that?

Wow, that was Dwight.

He seems upset about something.

Describe him exactly. What
color mustard is his shirt?

Yellow or Dijon?

It is.

Oh, spicy brown actually.

What are you mumbling about?

How was your
meeting with Michael?

None of your business.

Was it your scores?

These can't be my scores, Jim.

For your information,
I'm being sabotaged.

Of course.

And I'm gonna find that
person, and punish them.

Absolutely, or you could
just be nice to your customers.

You're an idiot.

There's the charm.

Jimbo, let's do this thang.

- That is me. Wish me luck.
- No way.

- [Pam] Good luck.
- Thanks.

- I didn't say anything.
- [Pam] I love you.

I love you too.

What do you think
I'm saying to you?

Not talking to you.

I've caught Jim talking to
himself several times today.

What a loser?

Get a friend, loser.

Yeah, I'm looking
at it right now.

It's really gorgeous.

You guys do great work.

I found the best tent-ist
on the east coast.

He personally tented Giuliani's
first and third weddings

and I got him.

I got him. Would you be
able to do the same design,

but with walls of grey, and
the top that's grey too?

Fabulous.

And is there any
kind of flooring

that might discourage dancing?

Gravel. You're a genius.

[Pam] Ask how he's
doing since the breakup.

So, how you holding up?

I'm pretty much devastated.

[Pam] Ask if there's
anything you can do.

You know what you should
do? Take a vacation.

Maybe go to Sandals, Jamaica,

or the other Sandals, Jamaica.

I just don't want
to go by myself.

[Pam] Tell him you'd
like to go with him.

Ahh, we should take a
look at those surveys.

Oh, come on!

What?

You too?

Did my scores drop a little?

Jim, they are poopy.

(clears throat)

(puts call on hold)

Jim?

Jim?

Are we even sure
that's my file?

No.

Yes.

I am sure, Jim it...

Well, there's gotta
be an explanation.

I agree.

Yeah.

So lets, let's see what we
can find out from reading.

Jim Halpert, is
smudge and arrogant.

Think you mean smug.

Arrogance.

Michael, I'm just trying to...

And there's our smudgness.

I need a decent bonus

because I'm actually
in the process

of buying my parents' house,
so that they can retire.

And if history
tells us anything,

it's that you can't go wrong

buying a house you can't afford.

Pam doesn't know
about the house.

So it's a fun surprise.

(resumes held call)

Pam, sorry about that.
Lost you for a second.

So as it turns out,

I may not have done so hot on
my customer reviews this year.

Maybe it's 'cos you
spent the whole year

flirting with the receptionist.

Little bit. Worth it.

(slams file on desk)

Dwight and I are both writing
letters to our clients.

I'm just sending a quick note,

to say how much I
appreciate their business.

And he is writing
notarized letters

to inform them that
lying on customer reviews

is a prosecutable form
of fraud and defamation.

Just, different styles.

Attention, all
problem Salespersons.

Jim Halpert.

Dwight Schrute.

Here.

Intensive one-on-one
retraining will begin after lunch.

That is all.

I am no longer the worst
salesman in the office!

Yes!

Oww!

Dammit!

I taught Jim and Dwight
everything I know about sales,

but there are certain things
that cannot be taught,

and it is these things
that I now must teach them.

Here's what's going to happen.

I am going to have to fix you.

Manage you two, on a
more personal scale.

A, a more micro
form of management.

Jim, what is that called?

Micro-gement.

Boom! Yes.

Now Jim is going
to be the client.

Dwight, you are going
to have to sell to him

without being aggressive,
hostile or difficult.

Let's go.

All right, fine.

(clears throat)

(imitates phone ring)

Hello?

Hello, this is Dwight Schrute

from the Dunder
Mifflin paper company.

Wow, that's great,
'cos I need paper.

Excellent! Then
you are in luck

because we are having a
limited time offer only

on everything.

Wow. This is my lucky day.

Ask him his name.

What is your name, sir?

I am Bill Butt-licker.

Really? That's your real name?

How dare you?

My family built this
country by the way.

Be respectful, Dwight, please.

Oh yes, Michael.

Could you hold on one
second? That's my other line.

What? No, but I...

Hello?

Yeah, no I'm just on the phone
with this stupid salesman.

He's so dumb.

Probably just gonna keep
him on the line forever,

and not buy anything.

Okay.

It's up to you
to change his mind.

Sorry that was a
family emergency.

Oh no, what's wrong?

You know what? That's private.

Boundaries, Dwight. Come on.

I'm sorry, Mr. Butt-licker.

As I was saying, we're
having a limited...

You just have to speak
up a little bit louder?

- I'm hard of hearing.
- He's hard of, he's an old man.

Okay. As I was saying,
right now we are...

- Gotta talk louder.
- Okay?

Our prices have
never been lower.

Son. You have to talk louder.

(speaking even louder)

Never been lower...

Louder son!

Butt-licker! Our prices
have never been lower!

What are you doing?
Stop it. Stop it

He...

That is totally inappropriate.

You never yell at the client.
You never yell at the client.

Now you listen to me, sir.

Here we go.

The three words I
would describe you as

- is aggressive...
- Yes.

Hostile and
definitely difficult.

- Please, Mr Butt-Li...
- I am irate right now.

- Give me the phone.
- Please give another chance.

- Give me the phone.
- Mr. Butt-licker?

Give me the phone.

I have to put you
on with my boss.

Well, I should hope so. Who is
this?

Hello, this is Michael
Scott, regional manager.

Well, this is
William M Butt-licker.

Hello Mr. Butt-licker.
How may we help you?

Michael, I like the
sound of your voice.

You know what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna buy $1 million
worth of paper products today.

See how it's done?

Thank you very much, sir.

I don't think you'll regret
it. You see what I did?

You're the master.

There is one
condition, Michael.

Yes.

You have to fire the salesman
that treated me so terribly.

Don't do it, Michael.

It's a million dollar sale.

So it's called
the Shangri-La tent.

It's two stories, heated,

and it has a bridal suite
for my bridal sweet.

It's just really
simple. Really tasteful.

I don't wanna be married
in a tent like a hobo.

Hobos live in trains.

Nana Mimi, can't be
in canvas that long.

Well, Nana Mim, ah...

Okay, look.

This tent is awesome,
and it's in high demand.

So I really think we should
put a deposit down now.

Okay, fine.

You can have your tent, but
only if it's in a field.

A hand plowed field.

Done, and Done-er.

There has to be a
barn, that's old enough,

that you can see the stars
through the roof slats

when you lay on your back.

And, antique tools to look
at when you roll over.

Do you have a
specific place in mind?

No, but anything within
a five to eight mile radius

is acceptable.

On it.

Dwight?

Dwight?

Get in!

Are you serious?

Get in.

- Okay, what are you...
- Shhhhh...

(plays car radio loudly)

- Might be listening to us.
- What's that?

- They might be listening to us!
- Who's they?

Customer service might be
monitoring this conversation.

In this car?

You never know.
Better safe than sorry.

(switches radio off)

- It...
- What are you thinking here?

Who stands to benefit
from our downfall?

The mob? Maybe NASA.

Could be the mob,
but then Dunder Mifflin

would need to be a front
from money laundering,

and there's little
evidence of that.

Is there some evidence?

- [Pam] Oh, cute shoes online.
- How many shoes do you need?

I don't know.
Two, maybe three.

If one wears out. How
many shoes do you need?

I'm not talking to you.

Who are you talking to?

Pam.

She's not here, Jim.

No, she's not.

(humming)

Yes!

I found it.

I found the perfect place.

A local bed and breakfast,
on a 60 acre beet farm.

And even better, I have
an in with the owner.

Oh yeah, we work together.

It's Dwight Schrute,
as in Schrute Farms.

[Customer On Phone] So I'd
like to redouble my order.

If you could put
me down for, um.

Wait, shut up.

[Customer On Phone] I'm sorry?

Shh. Do you hear that?

[Customer On Phone] Hear what?

Breathing. Is that you?

[Customer On Phone]
Well, I am breathing, yeah.

Well stop. Hold your breath.

I still hear it. Who's there?

Kelly is that you?

Hold on.

[Customer On
Phone] I need paper.

- Ha!
- Ahh! Oh my God. You scared me.

Hear anything interesting?

What are you talking about?

Ha ha, I think you know.

You always say that
and I almost never know.

What are you up to girl, huh?

Did Phyllis up to this?
Stanley? Are they paying you?

Are you accusing
me of something?

Of course I am. I know you're
the mastermind,

but you're too stupid
to do it by yourself.

- Okay.
- Ha!

Easy.

Let's just, let's
head back to the desk.

Yeah. You just can't come
into my nook and call me stupid.

And maybe if you were a little
bit more nice and polite,

then people wouldn't give you
such bad customer reviews.

The reason that I got
bad customer reviews

is because I didn't.

There is a massive
conspiracy going on here

and I know you're involved.

Dwight, get out of my nook.

That's what she said!
That's what she said!

That's what she said!

Good one.

Oh, I don't have
anything to say.

I'm just hiding from Dwight.

It's good to be paranoid.

People need to be more
paranoid. Case in point, JFK.

If I had been JFK, I would've
seen all three gunmen.

I would've pulled out my
concealed Luger and fired first.

Man in book depository,
boom! Grassy, Knoll, boom!

Fake Jackie.

Boom!

Then I shoot myself, so
I don't change history

and create a paradox. Boom!

But right at the last minute,

I twist out of the
way of the bullet.

Nice try history.
Better luck next year.

Hey, sorry about
Dwight by the way.

Yeah, he is weird.

Well, we all handle
it differently.

I personally choose to handle
like a normal person, but...

Okay.

Hey, how are you and Darryl?

Um, we're cool. Bye.

Bye.

[Pam] That was weird.

Why was it?

Have you ever had a
conversation with Kelly

where she didn't go
on for 15 minutes

without taking a breath?

[Jim] No, actually.

Did you do something to her?

I don't think so.

[Pam] Well, something's off.

Hey, how's things?

All right.

Yeah?

Living in the moment.

Do you have any
reason to believe

that Kelly would be mad at me?

Oh, I don't play the
politics game anymore, Jim.

Didn't...

Can I tell you something?

I played it full-on in New York.

I played at high
stakes. For keeps.

Made it to the top,
but look what it cost.

Can I tell you what
else I learned?

Wait, that's pretty weird.

What?

Well, Andy has a
mug just like that.

Oh yeah. Kelly gave
them out his party favors.

Remember? You got one.

No. What party?

Her America's Got Talent
finale party, over the summer.

That's crazy. It was packed.

I thought everyone was
there. You were there.

I remember you being there.

I wasn't, but thank you.

Hey, do you know anything
about this party?

Yes. I said you
definitely should go,

but you wanted to
visit me instead?

I can't be the
only one who didn't?

Dwight. Let me see
your coffee cup.

No.

Is that it?

No. Why? No.

Okay. Gonna
assume that was it.

Here's the thing. I
think you're right.

I think it was Kelly.

I think she's mad at us for
not coming to her party.

Oh man, I knew it. Who are her
co-conspirators?

It's probably just Kelly.

Obviously. I knew it.

That's what I'm saying.

Yeah. What?

You were right?

I was, I was right.

You were right.

I was right.

You knew it.

I knew it.

You knew it the
whole time, buddy.

I knew it the
whole time, buddy.

Wow!

[Dwight] Yeah! Woohoo!

Right Dwight is loud.

Yes, I knew it! Yeah! Woo!

Boom! Kelly the whole time.

Let's get her.

No, no, no, no, no.

Dwight, Dwight, Dwight.
Let's just talk about it.

Let's figure out a plan.

What's going on?

Why don't you tell us?

Nothing's going on.

Let me paint you a picture

of a little girl
from Southern India,

who despite being
welcomed into this country

will now spend the rest
of her life in prison,

for a crime she did commit.

Dwight. I was informed
by these gentlemen

that the reports that you filed

may not entirely be accurate.

What?

I, I don't know what
you're talking about.

This is the first that
I'm hearing about this.

Oh, come on. You dupped
the stats, cupcake.

Called about a
dozen customers,

and they all said that
they gave us great marks.

[Michael] What's going on?

I love your tie, Michael.

Oh. Kelly.

I was raped.

You cannot say I was raped

and expect all of your
problems to go away, Kelly.

Not again. Don't
keep doing that.

I'll give you one last
chance to come clean.

Just tell me what happened.

Okay. All right.

Okay. I did it all right.

I lied. Whatever, just fire me.

But you know what?

I did it because you guys
didn't come to my party

and you said you would try to,

and then you didn't
even show up.

And so you're bad friends.

We have our confession.
I'm calling security.

Don't get away from
that, Dwight, please.

You know what? She's got
a point about you two.

You do have a problem
dealing with people.

See? I wasn't lying.

You were lying.

I was lying.

Yes. Jim, Dwight,
please excuse us.

But I wanna be here
when you fire her ass.

I will call you
when it his time.

I have an enormous
amount of trouble,

trying to get people
to come to my place.

And I hate it.

I can't tell you how
much leftover guacamole

I have ended up
eating, over the years.

I don't even know why I'm
making such great quantities.

Here's what we're gonna do.

We are going to sit here for
a while, make it look good.

And, maybe you should cry.

Can you make yourself cry?

No problem.

I think you should do that.

(fake crying)

(both laughing)

So, as it turns
out, Dwight was right.

How bizarre.

[Pam] I wonder what else
Dwight's been right about.

It is a fact that
major pharmaceuticals

do not want you to know

that beet juice has
medicinal value,

both as an aphrodisiac
and a laxative.

Every article by
Christopher J. Kelly

of the Scranton Times Tribune

contains five to
seven swear words,

hidden amongst the
letters of other words.

The Scranton Zoning
Board has a strong bias

against beet farmers.

The mayor is in the
pocket of big lettuce.

Battle Star Galactica isn't
a documentary. Exactly.

The book, All The
President's Men

is about a conspiracy.

Just not the one people think.

Jesus had a daughter, and
she was the Mona Lisa.

According to my
sources, Scranton mayor,

Chris Doherty, checked
out Patio Gardening

over nine weeks ago from
the Scranton Public Library.

No fines. No fees. No nothing.

Guess who appointed
the head librarian?

What we have come to
know as fake crab meat

is in fact real crab meat

and real crab meat is lobster.

Pam Beasley?

Hey, what are you doing here?

Who's that?

It's Alex.

It's Pam.

I came to kidnap you.

There's free wine and cheese

at the Chuck Close
retrospective. Let's go.

Oh, that's gonna be great.

Who's Chuck Close?

Oh, I love Chuck Close, and
his photo realist paintings,

but I have to work.

Well, actually,
there's something else

I'd love to talk to you about.

Can we go somewhere
else, to talk about it?

Okay.

That's it. I wanna talk to
this guy. Put me in his ear.

What's up?

I wanna take a big leap,
and I wanna tell you that

I think that you should
not move back to Scranton.

Wow.

I'm gonna make a bigger
leap here. He is into you.

Why did you come to New
York in the first place?

Because they have a
great design program.

I wanted to see if I
was any good at it.

And I wanted to
work on my art too.

Right. And that's why I
think you should stay here.

'Cos I mean, you, you really,
you just got here. You know?

And you can't do New
York in three months.

You know, it has everything.

It has... All the
opportunity is here.

All the, the whole art
scene is in New York.

You know, it'd be nuts
to go back to Scranton

without getting to
fully experience it.

Jim's in Scranton.

I know, but all I'm saying is

if there's even a
teeny tiny part of you

that really wants
to be an artist,

then I think you
should stay here,

because you don't want
to wake up in 50 years

and look back and wonder
what could have been.

And that is the
end of my speech.

I planned it all.

Anyway, I will see you tomorrow.

- I'll see you tomorrow.
- Okay.

Is that the Matsuhashi B400?

The world's tiniest bluetooth.

- May I?
- Don't.

for your wedding.

No, we haven't
decided on anything yet.

We're still reviewing
some options,

and it's gonna come
down to the numbers.

Well then. Why don't you look
over some of our materials?

Oh, hmm.

While I describe to you
the Excalibur package.

In addition to the
breathtaking natural beauty

and smell of Schrute
Farms, I can promise you

that our grounds can
be catered to fit

your exact specifications.

I will work tirelessly for
you over the coming months

and be at your
constant disposal.

Please, feel free to
call or stop by anytime

of the day or night.

It's very generous.

While you, my good friend,

have nothing more
to worry about.

This wedding is officially
out of your hands.

Oh, thank the good Lord. Deal.

Okay.

Um, what are we
talking, price-wise?

You already said deal.

Pay him whatever he wants.

Can't argue with that.

Dwight.

You are gonna make us so happy.

(bright upbeat music)